#i try to talk about anxiety and am rebuffed with 'everyone gets nervous sometimes' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aries-writingblog · 3 years

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Atlas (2)

Summary: After years of being imprisoned on the Raft, Tony negotiates freedom for his sister Tessa. When she’s free- so is her past, and it will never stop hunting her.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OC(Stark)

Chapter Word count: 2299

Warnings: PTSD (subtle ish), trauma, torture (in later parts), suicidal behaviors and thoughts, mentions of death, character death, injury, violence, angst, and a lil bit of fluff in there

Disclaimer: Atlas is my own, original work with characters belonging to Marvel (except Tessa and Dr. Clifton). Plagiarism is not cool kids.

A/N: this is my first work I'm posting to this platform and I’m really excited and nervous about it. Hope you enjoy- constructive criticism is always helpful as well!!

“i’ve about had it with two starks around this place.” bucky grumbled, pushing the bar another rep. sam scoffed, and leaned on the bar as bucky huffed, trying to push it up.

“you’re just upset cause she’s a pretty girl that doesn’t want to talk to you and doesn’t care what you think.” he rebuffed, pressing down more. steve sighed from across the room, seeing the tension building between the two.

“that is not what i think at all-“ he pushed sam up and hooked the weight bar, sitting up on the bench. “i’m glad she’s making herself comfortable- she was locked up for six years, that’s wonderful but there’s something about her... i feel like she’s hiding things. big things.”

for the past week, tessa had been mostly hiding away on her floor. the few times she did come down she didn’t speak much. she did, however, leave socks on the common room floor, seemingly at night when no one was there. she also left dishes at the counter, also at night. bucky only knew for certain it was her because on the nights he couldn’t fall asleep, he would see her, slipping back into the stairwell as he approached the common floor. and every time she looked at him, she would scowl and sneer at him. granted, he had killed her parents and of course he felt bad about it, the guilt keeping him awake, but he didn’t even know if she knew it was him. she had been away for years with no contact.

the only person she seemed to be normal around was tony. she would go to the mechanics lab some days and help around there. the only other person she spoke to every day was sam and he had to rub it in everyone’s faces. anytime he got the chance.

“she’s still leveling out, buck. give her a chance.” steve called out, using his t shirt tail to wipe at his forehead.

“do we even know why she was locked up? sam said she served in the army- what did she do to be in the raft?” bucky countered. sam sighed and put his hands to his hips.

“i don’t even know. i never met her officially, our teams worked closely once- on the same mission but we never spoke. i saw her maybe twice that whole time- leading her group on the ground while we worked from the air. she was an amazing leader- her men trusted her with their lives. but... she’s nothing like i saw years ago. not even the same person.” sam shook his head. “but that could’ve been anything- war changes people. there’s no telling what she’s seen. what she’s done. tony won’t explain?”

“oh, sure- he’s my best friend and he’ll answer any question about his family i have.” bucky snarked, rolling his eyes.

“no, i’ve asked why she won’t join us at dinner or when we’re all around.” steve interrupted. “never answers it, goes around it.”

“she’s hiding something.” bucky insisted. “i don’t trust people like that. they mean one thing- trouble.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pain. searing, white hot pain ran through her veins. bursting vessels and capillaries. a high pitched whine drawled on through the haze of pain. she wasn’t going to make it through this- she couldn’t take it anymore. the heat was too strong. too intense.

tessa jolted awake, panting heavily. there was an intense heat surrounding her. she cursed loudly as she leapt from her bed, the sheets on fire. for the third time this week.

“Friday!” her voice was croaky and rough. “extinguish the sheets! and turn off those damn alarms!”

“yes, miss tessa.” the AI complied immediately, performing her intended actions. tessa ran a hand over her eyes, rubbing them harshly. tessa quickly moved across the room and snatched a hoodie from the desk chair. yanking it on, she left the room, slamming the door behind her. she had to get her control back. calm. collected. control. And that started when she could get the smell of smoke out of her nose.

Wandering, she made her way to the kitchen, stumbling into the room. She took a deep breath and opened the fridge. She had skipped dinner again. The whole team ate together and she didn’t want to chance it. She didn’t want them in her business. She didn’t want them in her head- she was well aware of the witch. And she certainly didn’t want a flare up at dinner. How embarrassing would it be if she killed one of her ‘new teammates’ while shoving rice and turkey in her face?

So she ate at midnight when there was no one around. Except sometimes when Barnes came a little too close to finding her. Then she would abandon everything just to sprint to her room. She was aware of his transgressions- Tony thought it wise to tell her when she wouldn’t rage on the tower. He told her when she was being transported, obviously a great idea. But, Tessa had accepted the news graciously. Being upset, of course, but also understanding. She knew it wasn’t his fault- he’d been forced. She was well acquainted with accidents...

Tessa sat at the counter, at two AM, eating leftover, cold Chinese food because it was safe. It was control. Stability. She scrolled through her phone, stared at the wall. The usual. Until she heard steps coming down the hallway. She was quick to get up, abandoning her things. But, she’d underestimated how far the steps were. She turned to walk out and collided with a broad chest.

Looking up, she saw Barnes, leering down at her. His blue eyes ice cold. She backed away, looking down and scowling. Angry at herself for letting him touch her. She could have hurt him. She should’ve been more aware.

Bucky noticed how stiff and quiet she was, as well as the scowl on her lips. He also took notice of her dark under eyes, the frizzy nest that was her hair and the slight smell of smoke and fire that lingered on her skin. At first, he felt slightly concerned. He recognized the signs of insomnia and sleeplessness. But then, it was taken over by an irritated, angry shadow.

“What the hell is your problem?” He demanded, using his body to block the only exit from the kitchen. He saw the shift in her face as she clenched her jaw.

“I’m sorry.” She muttered, moving to try and step around him. He blocked her again. She scowled deeper. “Look, I’m sorry alright- didn’t see you coming.”

“Not about that-“ Bucky sighed, running a hand down his face. “Why do you run out of here so fast when I’m coming in? And the fucking socks on the floor in the living room- pick the fuckers up, it isn’t that hard!”

Tessa flinched and her eyes shot up to meet his. She didn’t realize he saw her leaving every time. Bucky noticed the flinch and softened his gaze. He took a deep breath before trying again.

“Sorry- I guess I could’ve said that a little kinder.” He explained. “Every time I come into a room you leave. I just... I thought it was something against me.” Tessa furrowed her brows, quickly taming the anxiety boiling in her stomach.

“No- no it’s not because of you- it’s more of for you... it’s hard to explain.” She stumbled over words before shaking her head. “Just... I’m sorry.”

She slipped around his side and forced herself through the opening. When her skin grazed his, he felt the heat rolling off her in waves. She was too warm. Suspiciously, he took note of the Chinese boxes on the counter and decided there was something suspicious about her. He wanted information, he didn’t like how secretive everything was around her. Bucky Barnes was determined to find the bottom of this whole thing.

~~~~~~~~~~

Tony knew a storm was brewing when the door to his mechanics shop was slammed. Tessa whirled around the corner, eyes on fire and veins glowing in anger. She slammed her hands onto the metal table, a sizzling noise instantly coming from the surface.

“You didn’t tell any of them?” She demanded, loud and disbelieving. Tony pursed his lips before turning to face her. He didn’t even have to respond verbally for her to know the answer. She scoffed loudly and threw her hands up. In the place where they used to lay were two scorched hand prints identical to her flesh hands. “I can’t believe this Tony- none of them know what they’re getting into bed with you’ve set them all up for a wicked end!”

“Well, I wasn’t expecting any of them to get into bed with you, however...” Tony’s voice trailed off when Tessa’s scalding glare fixated on him again. “Okay, okay. So none of them are aware of your talents“ Tessa scoffed. “It wasn’t my news to tell.”

“It’s not that- it’s... I thought- it’s stupid.” She muttered, beginning to cool off, feeling the room temperature lowering. Tony gave her a look, telling her to spill her guts. And she did. “I thought that’s what all the stares were for... they always stare at me when I come around. I thought it’s because they knew...”

Tony looked at his sister, at the dejected, defeated look she wore. He knew it would be hard for her to adjust. But he didn’t know that she would shut herself off completely. He sighed before responding.

“That’s because all you do is stay locked in your tower, Rapunzel.” He jabbed, tossing his tools to the table and leaning on it. “Give them a chance. Be around a little more and maybe they won’t stare. Come down tonight and eat dinner with the group. I’ll be there the entire time, it’ll be good. We’re eating pizza.”

Sure enough, when seven thirty rolled around, Tessa found herself wandering downstairs to the common area. The whole team was lounging around, passing a box of pizza around the circle they were all sat in. She hesitantly exposed herself from the dark doorway. Steve took notice of her first, putting his plate down and standing up.

“Tessa, hey. Why don’t you come sit down and eat with us?” He gestured to his seat. Tessa shook her head slightly, seeing as he was seated right between Bucky and Natasha. She couldn’t risk that close contact.

“I’ll sit here, thank you.” She sat on a separate armchair, one that would keep any accidental flames near her own body. Contained. Controlled.

“Well, I’m glad you’ve joined us.” He responded, sitting back down. She squirmed slightly, feeling Wanda’s lingering gaze, as well as Sam’s. Sam, however took it a step further.

“So what have you been up to since the army days, Atlas?” He asked, with the purest of intentions. Tessa’s face fell flat as she cast a devilish gaze to him.

“Prison.” She responded. The conversation halted to an abrupt stop. Tessa knew she’d made a mistake- she hadn’t meant to. It was supposed to come out lighter than it had but it seemed she didn’t have that much light in her to portray. She looked down to her lap, clasping her hands tightly.

“Well, none of us know much about you- except Tony and he won’t breathe a word.” Natasha explained. She gave Tessa a warm smile. “Tell us about yourself.”

“Nothing to tell, really.” She muttered. Then she bit her tongue and glanced up to the faces around her. You’ll never get anywhere if you never try. You have to give them something to work with here, Tess. “I served in the army, the 95th, for three tours. Overseas when I was fresh out of high school. Two nine month tours and one twelve month. After that I was... I was chosen for a project by the US government.”

“What kind of project?” Steve asked, trying not to be too pressing as it seemed she had enough trouble trying to steel her nerve to talk to them. Tessa responded well to the prompt, picking up the conversation and handling it delicately.

“It was called Project Fire Maelstrom. It was run by Dr. J.R. Clifton. His original intent was super soldier serum but something went wrong and he created me instead.” Tessa explained carefully, choosing words precisely.

“Created you?” Vision asked. “I’m afraid I don’t understand. What was created?”

Tessa brushed a hand over her neck before extending her palm. Then, she snatched it back and leapt from her seat. She quickly backed away, into an open area. She took a deep breath and focused before extending her palm again. She bit the inside of her cheek and - there it was. Fire bloomed over her palm, dancing It’s way out to her fingertips. There was a quiet awe in the room and she quickly extinguished it, feeling the embarrassment creep up her neck.

“The serum was off- Dr. Clifton created something different. A new type of soldier.” She explained, taking her seat again, carefully keeping a watch on her focus. It was rare but flare ups have happened after using her powers.

“So what landed you in the Raft?” Wanda asked cautiously. Tessa turned her face to look at the witch, a curious gaze met her eyes. “You were a soldier- how did you end up in prison?”

Tessa swallowed harshly. Bucky watched as she seemed to space out, but only for a moment, before she snapped back to attention. But he had caught it- that dead eye, thousand yard stare. He’d perfected it over the years. So why was it mirrored on her face now? Tessa gave a small, half hearted smile to Wanda as she picked at her pizza, disinterested in eating it. When she did answer, it was quiet and apologetic.

“That’s a story for another day...”

#james barnes #james buchanan bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky x oc #bucky barnes x oc

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tahlreth · 7 years

Note

How about ♠ with Starkquill? Please and thank you.

AN: This was so much fun! I’ve never written Peter Quill before, and honestly this prompt got me to finally watch GOTG. I’ve had it forever, but had never sat down and watched it. D: Terrible of me, I know. But I watched it to write this and OMG. I LOVED IT. Obviously I still have not seen the second movie, so uh... there’s probably wrong stuff in here? But I tried?

Also, this fic turned into a beast, and I maybe didn’t focus on the prompt enough. D: But I hope you like it anyway, @silver-twilight!

Beware of the ‘Read More’ thingy.

Peter had noticed Tony’s anxiety almost as soon as they’d met. It maybe wasn’t obvious to the unitiated , but Peter could recognize it easily. There wasn’t a person (or alien or experiment gone AWESOME) in his crew that wasn’t damaged or scarred in some way. They all had moments of panic, times when fear and regret took hold of them hard enough to reduce them to a pile of tears and the shakes. Peter’d had panic attacks before, and regularly found himself coaching his teammates - especially Drax and (strangely enough) Rocket - through their own. And while Tony wasn’t in a full-blown panic when they’d been introduced, Peter could see the warning signs.

He also noticed the way Tony’s eyes kept darting over to a stern faced man holding a brightly colored shield and the people standing behind him, a few looking actively hostile. Okaaaay… so there was probably some bad blood there. Like, maybe sorta like what had existed between him and Yondu. Because Tony was willing to stand with the group (the Vengeance Group or Renegades or something? he’d stopped trying to keep track of every team’s name) in the face of disaster, but it didn’t look like there was a whole lotta love lost between them. He could be wrong and regularly was, but he just got this sense that Tony was desperately looking for the blond leader’s approval even as he wanted that whole group as far away from him as possible.

Man, could he ever relate.

So instead of going on with the introductions, Peter stepped away from his own team, ignoring Gamora’s knowing groan and the way Rocket got his gun ready, and reached out to grab Tony’s hand. “Hey, I’m Peter Quill, better known as Star-Lord in the best, coolest parts of the galaxy. I was part scavenger, part mercenary and part thief before I became a hero - still am all those things sometimes. So I’m gonna steal you now, okay?” He waited just long enough to see Tony’s eyes go wide, but not long enough for anyone to protest. Laughing merrily at the start of this new adventure, Peter turned and pulled Tony after him, going through the members of his team - the team that would form a wall between them and any pursuers. He just hoped the Earth teams wouldn’t turn things violent, because they really kinda needed everyone alive to fight Thanos and his team wasn’t very good at holding back.

The way Tony was running behind him instead of trying to pull away or slow him down was telling. Peter was pretty sure he’d made the right call, especially when they rounded a corner and Tony started to laugh. Pride, warm and bright, took shape in his chest - part of him would always love making people smile. He was allowed to be in the lead all the way down that hallway, until another turn of a corner led them to an intersection. Peter came to a brief halt, furrowing his brow as he tried to make a decision. Just as he was about to do ‘eeny meeny miney moe’, Tony tugged on his hand and started down the right-hand branch. With Peter following instead of 'stealing’, their progress was quick without going into an all-out run again. He lost track of the turns Tony took and the stairways they used; he had the distinct impression that Tony was backtracking and going through hallways and stairwells they didn’t need to. Peter just wished he knew if it was to throw off pursuit or if Tony didn’t want him to be able to get to… wherever they were going alone.

Eventually they came to a halt, stopping in front of what looked like a flat, bare wall. After a few seconds where Tony did nothing but stare, hand starting to go clammy, Peter broke the silence. “I like it.” he announced, gesturing to the wall with their entwined hands. “Nice and sparse. I mean, I like a little more decoration myself usually, but… this is good too. You got nice walls, Tony. The Zry'Khul would love 'em.”

Tony, who’d startled when Peter first spoke, looked over at him. Though he was trying to look curious, his glazed eyes and quick, shallow breathing gave him away. “The what?”

“Zry'Khul. Nice people - weird hands though. Like… like crab-claws mixed with hooves, which is as weird as it sounds let me tell you. They don’t like a lot of decoration. I think it’s 'cause they can’t lift a lot of things - their dexterity is crap. So yeah. They’d like this very nice wall you’re showing to me.”

“Oh. Right.” Tony really didn’t look so hot; now that the adrenaline of their escape was fading, Peter’s attempt at distraction clearly wasn’t enough. There was sweat at his temples, and his breath was continuing to speed up. “I brought you here. It’s not-”

“Hey, you know what?” Peter let go of the man’s hand and held his hands up in a non-threatening gesture. “I just wanted to get you away, and it let me escape too. I hate long, boring introductions. If you need to do… whatever is probably behind there without me, that’s totally cool. I can just go away and not tell anyone about this really nice wall or give any hints about where you are. Or… if you want, I can go in there with you. Gamora hates letting anyone see her when she’s having a hard time, so if you don’t either, I get it. Drax likes me to be quiet and keep a hand on his shoulder, and Rocket doesn’t want to be touched, but needs me to talk at him. Groot… I don’t really know about Groot. That’s Rocket’s territory.” Tony was staring at him, so he gave the man a lopsided smile. “I do best when somebody touches me and lets me listen to my music. It’s soothing for the soul - keeps me from going to a real bad place in my head, you know?”

“I… guess?”

“I’m just… I just want you to know that whatever you need, it’s cool. Just let me know, okay?”

“I’m fine.” Tony told him defensively, eyes narrowing as he made an obvious effort to control his breathing. But he was still sweating, and it took only a heart beat before his eyes started to dart around the hallway again, showing way too much white.

“'Course you are.” Peter agreed amiably. “You’re fine until you tell me otherwise. Now do you want me to stay or should I head back to the absolute mess of suck I probably left behind me?” Tony’s lips twitched just a little, which Peter was pretty sure was a victory for him.

“… you can stay. Just don’t-” Tony paused, looking nervous, defiant and needy all at the same time. “They don’t know about this room. None of them. So don’t… if you could not…”

“Dude - your secret dies with me. Really far away too - probably in a whole other star system. So your secret’s gonna be pretty secure.”

Tony gave the smallest of nods, then bit his lower lip. “Fri? Open it up please.”

“Yes Boss.” The fuck-ton of weirder shit he’d seen that kept Peter from jumping at the sound of the disembodied voice. As soon as the lady-voice spoke, he heard the sound of gears whirring and parts moving. Before his eyes, the whole wall in front of them slid back a few inches, then retracted to the right enough to create a doorway. A low whistle left his lips, because he was impressed. Sure he’d guessed there was something behind the wall, but it was only because Tony had purposefully brought them there. If it wasn’t for that, he probably wouldn’t have noticed; the design was seamless, designed to make the eye turn away because it was just as bland as the rest of the walls around them.

When Tony grabbed his hand, the move was hesitant and the guy began to pull back almost immediately. Peter figured he was just afraid that the gesture would be rebuffed, so he quickly wrapped his fingers around Tony’s and gave a squeeze. “After you,” he told the other man gallantly before grinning. “I learned when I was just a kid to never go through a door first - never know who’s waiting inside to eat you.” Again, his humor didn’t seem to help Tony escape the panic he was experiencing… but it didn’t make his face go any more pinched either. Wouldn’t hurt to keep trying until the guy told him to knock it off.

Once they were through that little door, the wall closed behind them and a soft light filled the space. It wasn’t nearly as bare and boring as the wall that hid it. Peter could tell that Tony coped by tinkering, by creating, by doing. There were two workbenches on opposite sides of the sizable room. One had a chair and was full of finicky tech things that were laughably out of date even to Peter’s inexperienced eyes - though by Earth standards, it was all probably ahead of its time. The other workbench was larger but had no chair; it was clearly where Tony did some heavier lifting. He could make out a soldering iron lying amid bits of half-assembled creations. Peter wondered how many of them were ever actually finished, and how many designs were left behind once Tony was okay again.

Tony seemed reluctant to let go of Peter’s hand, leading him all the way to the first workbench. In fact, he slowed just enough that his side was pressed against Peter’s, and he could tell the man he’d stolen was someone who liked touch when he was having a hard time. Touch-starved even, maybe, if he always ran here to handle his issues and no one even knew about the place. The man came to a stop beside the chair, blinking several times. “I don’t have another one,” he said almost stupidly, eyes a bit glazed again. “I forgot-”

“It’s no problem. I don’t mind the floor - after the Kyln, everything else is comfortable, believe me. Or I can sit in the chair and you can sit on top of me. Bet I’m comfier anyway.” Tony shook his head immediately, so Peter held up his free hand again. “Just a suggestion. What you say goes.” Letting go of the man’s hand, he dropped to the floor and sat cross-legged, shifting until the bottom of his coat was fanned out around him and not pulling anymore. “This is totally good too. Do you need me to be quiet to work?”

It was an out - Tony knew it too, from the relief on his face. Whether he said 'yes’ or 'no’, it wasn’t about helping him calm down - it was about what he needed in order to work. Tony was 'fine’ with very heavy quotation marks, so Peter was sure he’d need the excuse.

“You can talk. Might not answer though. I’ve got… I have a lot of work to do.”

“Got it. Sometimes I talk to a tiny tree that just goes 'I am Groot’ over and over - even non-answers are music to my ears.” Tony watched him for a minute, like he was waiting for Peter to go 'gotcha’ and reveal how this had all been a trick. Peter just kept his most disarming smile on his face until Tony finally eased into his chair. Once he was sitting, it was like it sent a signal through his body and brain - he hunched over and hid his face in his hands, entire body beginning to tremble like a swarm of Slinrhs in a strong breeze. His breathing got harsher and quicker, and he was mumbling to himself though Peter couldn’t make out the words. He wanted to help… but Tony was 'fine’. So Peter waited for a little while, letting Tony have his moment… until he began to worry that Tony was going to start hyperventilating.

“So the floor is fine, but my back is killing me.” Peter offered conversationally, like Tony wasn’t having a panic attack a foot away from him. “Mind if I lean on you for a bit?” Tony stopped abruptly, going completely still and silent; Peter bit his tongue to keep from cursing himself. Still, he stayed quiet and waited, not wanting to take back the offer if Tony wanted it or make it seem like Peter had noticed Tony’s distress.

“Yeah. That’d fine. I need… I’m going to be working on some designs for a bit.” His every word was carefully measured and precisely spoken; Peter was sure it was taking the man everything he had not to fall apart. “You can… it’s fine.” Tony pushed away from the desk a little, and the chair squeaked when he turned to face Peter. “Gimme a blueprint, Fri.”

“Which one Boss?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Tony answered quickly, tersely. The lady-voice didn’t seem offended though, because a holograph sprung to life between Tony’s hands. The guy was definitely light-years ahead of the rest of Earth’s tech, which was awesome and impressive. He took it in, then made a point of messing with a few of the lines before glancing at Peter. “You can lean, if you want. I can work above you.” Again with the very careful words, expression striving for one of nonchalance and only projecting anxiety.

“Great!” Peter scooted close and turned away from Tony, then leaned back against the man’s legs. For a second he could feel Tony’s tension… and then he seemed to let some of it go as he also let out a long breath. He was still shaking though, and when Peter peeked up at him again, he could tell Tony’s breath still hadn’t slowed to its normal pace, and he was still sweating more than he should be. Tony had said he didn’t mind if Peter talked… so he launched into a tale about the time Gamora had been accidentally engaged to a Krylorian, and he only had to embellish a little. It took that story and half of another before Tony seemed to have calmed completely. He started talking back, and brushed his hands over Peter’s shoulders or hair when he did.

Neither one of them mentioned that Tony hadn’t done a thing more with the design he’d had his lady-voice project.

~.~.~

The next time Tony brought Peter to his panic room (ha, the term was even more literal than usual), there was a second chair. He didn’t comment when Peter sat in it, but his jaw did go tight. At first, he didn’t think much of it… but four stories in - most of them amazingly entertaining if he did say so himself - Tony still hadn’t seemed soothed in the slightest. So since Tony was still 'fine’, Peter casually mentioned that the chair wasn’t very comfortable and slid to the floor; Tony instantly turned his chair so Peter could lean against his legs. Almost as soon as he started talking again, Tony started to breathe easier.

The chair disappeared, and a cushion for Peter to sit on turned up in its place.

~.~.~

The first time Tony admitted he wasn’t 'fine’, his panic attack had started in the presence of the group as a whole. They’d been talking strategy and tactics against Thanos, and FRIDAY put up a very realistic projection of space as Peter and the rest of the Guardians talked about the way Thanos was likely to approach and what they and some of Tony’s unmanned suits might be able to slow him down. Busy discussing tactics with Captain America (who was okay, even if he and Tony seemed to have a lot of trouble communicating), he didn’t see the signs until it was too late. Even then, it was Rocket who suddenly jabbed him the ribs to get his attention, then directed it to Tony. Tony, who hadn’t spoken in five minutes - a long time for him. Tony, who was gripping the edge of the metal table so hard that it had dug into his skin - Peter could see drops of blood starting to drip down his palm. Tony, who was staring at the projection with wide eyes, pupils pinpricks - whatever he was seeing, it wasn’t in the room with the rest of them.

Now that Peter was looking at him, the attention of everyone else shifted to Tony as well. Maybe feeling the weight of their stares, the man came back to himself… only to start gasping for breath, face going pale as he cringed back in his chair. He had his left hand clasped over his heart, with the right holding his left arm; he must feel like he was having a hear attack. Tony wouldn’t answer when anyone spoke his name and didn’t react to touch either… not until Rhodey grasped his shoulder. The reaction was instant and violent - Tony turned and took a swing at the man Peter knew to be his best friend. He missed and fell to the floor in the process; once there he scooted until he had his back to the wall. Knees at his chest, arms wrapped around them so he could hide from the world, Tony continued to try and catch his breath, shivering and shaking terribly.

“Shit, I forgot - Tony I forgot, I’m…” Rhodey sounded distressed, but Tony wouldn’t allow him to approach… maybe because he was trying to talk to Tony from above him.

Peter slipped to the floor, then walked on his knees to Tony. “My back hurts.” he offered with no explanation to the rest of the room, most of who were watching with horrified fascination. Peter had a feeling Tony had hidden these attacks from all but a few of his team members, past and present. Turning around, Peter plopped down onto his bottom, then leaned back against Tony’s legs like they were in that hidden room. Tony shifted just enough to accommodate him, then buried his face in Peter’s shoulder. To help him calm down and shift the attention of the group, Peter regaled them all with the time Yondu had let Peter believe for weeks that they were fattening him up so that when they ate him the whole crew of Ravagers would get more than a mouthful.

Once it was over and Tony had stopped shaking, Peter stood and offered him a hand up. Tony took it and they left without a word. When Peter looked over his shoulder, he saw his team staring after them with understanding and empathy on their faces. Rhodes looked thankful, giving him a small nod when their eyes locked, and Captain America looked worried and made an aborted step after them. The door slid shut behind them, and they started toward Tony’s special, secret room. When Tony’s knees failed him halfway through the walk and he started to say 'I’m having a heart attack’ over and over, Peter scooped the man into his arms and jogged the rest of the way to that blank wall. FRIDAY opened it without needing to be told, and Peter smiled just a little. “Thanks lady-voice.”

“Of course, Star-Lord Quill.”

Instead of putting Tony in his chair, Peter brought the man down to the floor with him, settling them on the cushion. He kept holding Tony, though he shifted so that Tony’s back was to his chest and he could put his face in Tony’s shoulder like the man had done to him. He pressed one hand against Tony’s chest, over his racing heart, using it as another way to both comfort Tony and monitor the attack. This time when he started to talk, it was in a soft, soothing voice. He told Tony about the moments of quiet wonder he’d experienced on his travels, the things he’d seen that had awed him in a way most humans would never experience. Peter talked about all the beauty he’d found in his travel across the galaxy, though he did his best not to talk about space itself. He talked himself hoarse before Tony finally settled and his heartbeat returned to normal. Peter expected him to pull away and go pretend to work… but he didn’t.

Tony half-turned in his arms to tuck his head under Peter’s chin, then let out a shaky breath. “I’m not fine, Quill.”

“I know.”

“I can’t remember the last time I was.”

“I know, Tony.” He reached up with one hand to gently wipe away the man’s tears with his thumb, but didn’t otherwise draw attention to them. “It’s okay not to be fine sometimes. And it’s okay to tell people you aren’t.” Tony’s laugh was self-deprecating and miserable.

“I don’t think I’ll have to. They couldn’t have missed it after that shit-show.”

“They won’t think any less of you.”

“Wrong.”

“Well then I don’t think any less of you. I’d be totally cool with you letting me know when 'not fine’ turns to 'really bad’. You shouldn’t have to go through it alone if you don’t want to. And if you can’t tell me but want me to know, you can always have lady-voice tell me.”

“That’s not her name.”

“No, but she likes it.”

“I do, Star-Lord Quill.”

“You’re both ridiculous.” Tony sighed and shifted a little before turning his head and yawning against Peter’s throat. “I’m tired.”

“You can sleep. I’ll stay.”

“Thanks Peter.”

After that, FRIDAY usually found a way to let him know when Tony’s anxiety had reached a level where he needed (or just wanted) Peter. He and Rhodey talked a little, sharing tips and tricks. Peter learned to never touch Tony’s shoulders or head without warning and he mentioned that Tony seemed to like it when he talked about everything except the panic attack and why it was happening. Rhodey was pretty cool - Gamora seemed fond of him too, though she threatened Peter heavily whenever he mentioned it.

Thanos drew ever closer, but Peter made sure Tony didn’t have to attend the meetings that used the projections of space.

~.~.~

The first time they kissed wasn’t in the panic room. Tony hadn’t been having an anxiety attack or been distressed at all. The genius had been spending time with Rocket, both of them seeming to delight in having someone to talk tech and weapons to. Honestly, Peter was kind of worried (and really, really excited) to see the sort of stuff they’d come up with together. That day, they were all on the Milano, taking a bit of a time out from the other teams. Tony and Captain America had been arguing so much that the genius had stormed off hours before, Drax had just about come to blows with Spider-Man because of the kid’s jokes, and Natasha and Gamora had been eyeing each other with increasing hostility and ever-more-deadly weapons to sharpen in their laps. Peter was starting to get irritated with Hawkeye - his caustic personality just rubbed him the wrong way. Even Groot had started to get grumpy, his cheerful nature disappearing under very cranky 'Groot’s.

They’d all needed some air.

Tony and Rocket had already been aboard, getting along like a house on fire. It would have been irritating if Peter didn’t find it so heartwarming. He hadn’t ever seen Rocket take such a shine to anyone but Groot, and he liked seeing his friend excited and happy instead of snarling and hurling insults at the world. Part of it was probably Tony’s obvious respect for him - he never treated Rocket like an animal, didn’t make jokes about him being a 'rodent’, and would seek Rocket out for advice about tech - an acknowledgment of Rocket’s intelligence. Peter sort of wished he’d started out treating Rocket like that, with the dignity he deserved… but at least he’d gotten there in the end. All the Guardians had, and despite contentious beginnings, Peter thought they were one of the more solid teams that had come together to defeat Thanos.

To have Tony fitting into that group made Peter smile and feel sort of tingly in the regions of his heart and stomach. Tony and Rocket hadn’t even greeted them when they all filed onto the ship, too busy cheerfully debating the merits of focusing on damage or area of effect. Peter’d left them to it, clasping Drax on the shoulder before leaving him with Gamora - the ex-assassin would be able to help him soothe the last of his temper. Everyone would be hungry soon (except Groot, who seemed to live on sunlight and Rocket’s attention), and he’d like to keep the Guardians away from the Avengers for a little while longer. The Fantastic Four and the X-Men were only a little better, and Peter sometimes thought that maybe the Guardians were just too… different to fit in. They’d all been losers, freaks and criminals before they saved a planet. Even then, their quest hadn’t started out as any grand, noble gesture. It was them fighting desperately against the inevitable and managing to overcome the odds by sheer chance.

Even now, they didn’t really consider themselves heroes. They weren’t like the other teams, and that had to be why being around them for too long had all the Guardians getting a bit twitchy.

Shaking away his serious thoughts, Peter pulled on his headphones and pushed play - he could get lost in his mother’s music while he made them all dinner. He was so busy singing along and dancing between cooking them dinner that he didn’t realize Tony was in the room with him until the man took hold of the hand he’d just flung out in time to the beat. The food was ignored as they fell seamlessly into a dance for two; Peter even slid his headphones back around his neck and cranked up the volume so they could both hear the music. Tony sang right along with him, eyes lit up with joy, cheeks slightly pink from exertion. Song after song they danced and belted out, both of them slightly out of tune and neither caring even a little.

At the end of 'Come and Get Your Love’, Peter bent Tony back, making the man laugh so hard he nearly brought them both to the floor. He hurried to reel Tony back up, but Tony was trying to get there himself, and they both stumbled and lurched around the ship’s tiny kitchen, tripping over air and each other’s feet. When they finally, finally came to a stop, it was with Peter’s back pressed to the wall, Tony pressed against him, and both of them laughing hard enough to make tears come to their eyes. They kept laughing until they couldn’t breathe, Tony’s head on his shoulder and his breaths coming in soft pants that tickled Peter’s skin. After a few minutes, Peter started to run his hands over Tony’s back, head tipped back and eyes closed as he reveled in the feeling. He’d known he was attracted to Tony for a while, and he thought the feeling was mutual. Even if he wasn’t, he was always glad when he got to hang out with Tony outside of panic attacks. It was nice to smile and laugh with him.

Tony shifted and Peter looked down at him with a quirked brow; in answer, Tony gave him a sweet smile. He leaned up at the same time Peter bent his neck, and their mouths met in a perfect first kiss.

Or it would have been, if the food hadn’t caught fire and the smoke sent alarms peeling through the entirety of the ship. They laughed against each other’s mouths as the went to take care of the issue, moving in a much more awkward dance across the floor because they refused to let go of each other. By the time the attempt at dinner was extinguished, the rest of the Guardians were in the doorway of the kitchen, watching them.

They didn’t stop kissing while Drax congratulated them on their future copulation or when Groot started to tug on Tony’s pant leg, chiming in with cheerful 'I am Groot!’s continuously. Rocket jeered at them and Gamora said she would never understand human mating rituals, and they were still kissing. It wasn’t until Peter’s stomach let out a rumble that they finally separated. When he started dinner over again, Gamora teasingly towed Tony out by the ear, saying she didn’t want another meal burned to a crisp because of Peter’s distraction.

So Peter and Tony’s first kiss didn’t happen in the panic room, and they couldn’t seem to stop kissing everywhere once it had happened.

~.~.~

Tony wasn’t the only one who had anxiety. He wasn’t the only one who sometimes felt his lungs seize, who felt his heart start to stutter and gallop in his chest. Sometimes Peter remembered the last time he saw his mother, or all the fear he’d felt when he’d been kidnapped by Yondu and his Ravagers. Sometimes he remember the feeling of being unmade, his everything being unraveled and consumed by the power of the Infinity Stone. Sometimes he thought of Thanos, and was completely overwhelmed with the thought that Thanos might be able to harness the power of six of them. Before Earth, before Tony, Peter had handled his panic attacks the same way almost all the Guardians did - they latched onto the nearest member of the team to help them through it. They all knew how to handle each other’s attacks, and Gamora was the only one who wanted and needed to be away from all of them when her past and fears for the future caught up with her. Peter had preferred Drax only slightly - the hulking warrior didn’t mind casually touching him, while Rocket did it but was uncomfortable with it and Gamora could only bring herself to awkwardly pat his back.

Once he’d met Tony though, things had changed. While he would turn to his teammates if Tony was busy or otherwise unavailable, he mostly went to his boyfriend, who would lead him to the panic room. There they could cuddle on the couch that had made its appearance soon after their first kiss. Tony would run fingers through his hair and over his back; he didn’t mind that Peter sometimes held him a little too tightly. He wrapped himself around Peter and didn’t talk, because Peter wouldn’t hear him anyway.

With Tony as an anchor to the real world, he would sink into the music of his mother’s playlists completely. He let himself (and all his thoughts, all his feelings) go. Sometimes it felt like he’d ceased to exist, like he was part of the music, of the music was him. It was a feeling that was both strange and perfect, and usually he was ready to come back to the world by the time one side of the cassette tape had played.

The times that he wasn’t, the times that were so bad he came close to hyperventilating as soon as he heard the 'click’ that meant the music had ended, Tony always knew just what to do. He would shift the headphones off just one of Peter’s ears and speak quietly against it. Sometimes he would sing, and sometimes he whisper words of love and affection. If he was having a bad day of his own, he would ramble about his latest project as his fingers fumbled more clumsily than usual at the Walkman.

No matter what though, he always got it open and would turn over the tape, talking all the while so Peter wasn’t left hanging in silence. Once the Walkman shut with another 'click’, this one helping calm Peter down again, Tony would carefully tuck the player back in its proper place. Clever, calloused fingers would straighten and untangle the wires leading up to Peter’s headphones. Before he reached back down to start play, he always, always sang a short phrase that made Peter smile briefly before Tony settled the headphones back over his ears and Peter lost himself again

“Gimme the beat boys and soothe my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away… drift, drift away…”

It wasn’t exactly how that song was supposed to go, but that was okay. Peter thought Tony’s version was perfect for them.

#my fics #prompt answer #StarkQuill #Tony Stark/Peter Quill #Iron Man #Star-Lord #The Avengers #Guardians of the Galaxy #Tony Stark #Peter Quill

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