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inkofamethyst · 4 months

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December 23, 2023

November/December is kind of screwing me up a little because money anxiety (which I feel like I'm definitely exhibiting signs of) makes me want to maintain consistently high saving levels each month, including my "bonus savings" at the end of every month. By most/all accounts, I'm literally doing fine when you consider my age and the fact that I'm in graduate school. I need to write this out to remind myself that not having "bonus savings" at the end of this month does not mean I did not save anything for this month. This should be obvious, but alas. I do all of my monthly saving (for all goals) at the beginning of the month and have consistently (even this month !!!) allocated a relatively big chunk toward my brand new Roth to get it off the ground. So it's okay that gifting has limited the amount leftover for "bonus savings" because I'm still very much on track to reach my goals before the mostly arbitrary deadlines I set for myself.

God, sometimes the overachiever energy is just too much. It feels like.. like a cavity. Like how too much sugar without proper cleaning will lead to a cavity and potential infection, maintaining overachiverness without regular reminders of how I'm doing in reality will lead to that awful "never good enough" feeling because I keep raising an arbitrary bar to keep it ever out of reach to maintain the sense of a "challenge".

So, to reiterate, it is fine and okay to not have much in the manner of bonus savings, as long as I 1. saved at the beginning of the month and 2. did not actually spend more than I earned that month (emergencies and planned purchases excluded).

[edit: I'm also ever thankful for familial help financially actually because it's only due to their assistance that I've been able to save so aggressively these past few months without ever worrying whether I was going to be able to buy food or something (campus events with free food are also helpful). I mean I still clip coupons and watch for sales but if I want to be a little frivolous and buy frozen dumplings or something I still can, you know? I mean yes, sure, I could probably still get by without their help on my stipend, but the fact that I have help means that it may not be a totally financially ruinous decision (in a year or so, I'm sure, I will have settled into a comfortable routine and will not be as nervously obsessive over all of this, but what am I if not a bundle of obsessive nerves).]

Today I'm thankful that the discord chat gathering I hosted yesterday went really well!!! I haven't hosted anything big at my house in eight years and of those who came (all seven of us in the same place for the first time since 2019--four years!!) only my dnd-friend had actually been in my house before lol. I was lowkey anxious about hosting but my parents helped me set up a lot so I'm thankful for that too. We had a potluck which was lovely and we chatted and played games and it was just nice to see everyone again without having to work around a time zone spread of eight hours (though that's going to last for at least a couple more years). (Also thankful that the two dishes I tried for the first time went really well! Love adding new foods to the arsenal.)

Working on mini twists, should all be done tonight or tomorrow. It'll be nice to have them back in but the shrinkage is still crazyyyyy. Like my hair is def mid back length (though in need of a trim) but if I let it be after washing then it looks like it's three inches, and even with twists in it barely reaches my neck. I want a silk press so baddd. May have to add another savings goal for a $200 silk press at a salon somewhere near my school :/ UGH but I haven't been to a salon in like ten years and I'm so dreadfully tenderheaded. But I need to find someone to trim my ends.

Last thing: started reading Tress of the Emerald Sea by Brandon Sanderson and it's very.. quaint, so far, I'd say. The narration is very storybook-y which can be fun to read though wasn't quite what I was expecting (but some lines are just so silly and out of the box that they put a smile on my face, and I love somatic reactions to media so much). I'm about a third of the way through after three days, so going steadily. Getting faster lol.

Actual last thing: Superman TAS is fun and interesting, but the music doesn't feel quite as special as BTAS. Like it's fine, it's heroic in the ways that it should be. I do like the animation a lot though, and maybe that's just the nostalgia haha it can be a lil visibly jerky sometimes :P

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eagesoldartblog · 4 years

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Not sure if you remember but you reblogged a post a while back (and tagged it #antagonist au if that helps) and talked in the tags abt Lewis trying and failing to be a villain and like. I'd love to hear more abt that

Ay! So fun fact! I accidentally mish-mashed a bunch of aus together so have fun~

EDIT: ALSO! Please be sure to check out the tags for the Trigger warnings!

Antagonistic Lewis

I can be a villain, Lewis reassures himself, taking quick, long paces as he circled the dark, Stoney room. You’ve done this plenty of times before! Sure that was on stage, everyone knew their part- but you can do this…!

If he still had a neck, a throat, he’d be gulping back his worry. But unfortunately that form of him hardly came up and right now, he wasn’t sure how to deal with the ordeal that would have been needed to bring up his face.

Unless. Lewis pauses for just a moment, eyes snapping over to a chair in the middle of the room. Well, not just a chair, it just so happened to be holding the very man who forced Lewis into a position such as this. Killed him, snatched a life of opportunity away. If it was to show him, then maybe. Maybe he could shove aside the swamped feeling of despair, inturn for the reward of watching his killers face becomes contorting with the knowledge that his victim was back. Then Arthur would know. He would be able to comprehend just how serious he was.

Bitterness almost drips from the ceiling and clings to his clothes and skull like glue, fueling his thoughts to spiral and grow restless and angry, how He wanted to be a father and have a family, Kingsmen. A family where you were in it.

His fist tightens, glare honing in so much he could see the hairs on the back of Arthurs neck stand on end. How his shoulders shake and tremble and rise with shallow breaths. Earlier Lewis had been worried he had restrained too tight. But now? Lewis wanted to grab the knotted ends of the rope, and pull and pull until he could watch Arthur’s organs come up his throat.

No. No… not yet. Lewis hisses to himself, shoving his rage and making it subside into something more manageable. Disdain. Sure, annoyance and hatred threatened to climb up his body and consume him entirely in a sheet of flame. Flash out and have the roar echo against the walls. But he forced himself to stay silent, calm. It was better to keep his bitterness hidden for now.

Not yet. Lewis reminds himself, echoing it through his head like a mantra and Lewis takes slow, careful steps. Relishing the click, click, click of his heels. Each one marking the smallest jolt in his captives’ shoulders, who slowly began to sir.

Wait until he was conscious. And show him the true meaning of fear.

Lewis’s smile stretches across his cheeks, listening to the smallest moan creeping out of Arthurs mouth. Able to watch that peaceful expression become one of confusion, disbelief, and slowly blink to awakeness. Lewis could almost commend himself on the dramatic timing, because just as Arthur lifted his head, he gasps, eyes snapping up to meet his expression. Fear and confusion taking hold of his body, covering his face like a rat stuck in a trap.

It fills Lewis with a glee so immense he could giggle with delight. Jitteriness taking hold of his entire body.

”Good evening, Arthur,” He hums, unable to make out the euphoric feeling of finally being able to speak these words for real now. No more reciting, no more imagining. Arthurs racing heartbeat was real and Lewis could feel its pound in every part of their small room, ”I’m so glad we could finally meet in person. No more running away, hiding away in that van of yours,” Oh yes, Arthur will pay handsomely, one for taking away his life and spitting on it with the pathetic excuse of a search, and two, for wasting all of his precious time.

His smile tightens, teeth grinding and straining against his jaw. The noise grinding into his ears and making his body nearly convulse. Had he cared just a bit more for himself and his bony form, he would have paid it more mind.

Instead.

SLAM. Arthur screams, jerking his body like he was trying to leap away, only to be bound by the tight ropes around his chest and the hand gripping his shoulder. The fist- had it been lacking a glove- would be noticeably growing red. Knuckles would have bulged out from his skin. And if Lewis was being serious, he wouldn’t doubt it if the bone ripped through. That’s just how anger was.

And, just like how he imagined, so many times before, it hurt.

When he grabbed it, Arthur had most likely gasped, tried to wriggle out. Now his shoulder was clamped to the chair and Lewis was inches away from his face. Unable to properly examine how Arthurs eyes snap from him to his shoulder, make out how he desperately tries to push and wriggle his arm out. So much that he slams his elbow against the chair to force it out. But to no avail.

Now to deliver his next lines, ”You know, I was thinking of how I should kill you ever since you trespassed onto my property.” he made sure to whisper, low and soft, to drive home just how little he cared, as if being quiet would show this despicable man how serious lewis is.

His grip tightens. ”I’ve been imagining every possible death I could bestow upon you. Should it be the way I died? Should it be in a bathtub?” As he speaks, his hand latches to Arthurs chin and jerks his head to the side. The room shifted, morphed, the walls opening up and staining with water-damaged wallpaper. A single tub, covered in rust standing at the furthest wall.

Drops of tears hit Lewis’s fingers, snatching his attention down before directing his gaze to Arthur’s face- his eyes were wide and his neck strains, breath coming out in shallow, panicky breaths. The severity of the situation finally hitting him.

To think, Suddenly, A voice in the back of Lewis’s head whispers, you had to save him from many of these types of situations before.

…Huh?

Lewis couldn’t help but blink, eyebrows screwing together as his mind suddenly freezes. Frozen- not like he’s been hit by a bullet, but instead watching a travesty occur and being unable to process any of it. And for a moment, Lewis can’t help but be shocked at the tone of it. Indifference? Boredom? Ple-

“P-please stop it-” Arthur chokes out. His eyes squinting shut as tears fill his eyes and begin to drip, rolling down his cheeks and- and suddenly Lewis’s thoughts stall. His plan, his- his script jumbled and losing itself in a wave of confusion and-

What is he doing? Why are they there- ”Why should I? I’m dead, don’t you remember?”

Arthur throws his shoulder again. But to no avail. His eyebrows twist up, and he looks up at Lewis once more and a pleading look is all that Lewis can make out. Except instead of filling Lewis with rage, it throws him further into the murky depths of confusion. Is-is he seeing this right now? Why-

He didn’t even notice, but his grip loosened. So much so that Lewis took a step back- floated away and he could barely make out his hand simply dangling there.

“I just- I just want to find my fr-friend.” Arthur chokes out, more tears rolling down his face as he dissolves into that awkward shuddery sob. Unable to breathe but with so much trying to leap out of your throat and there’s nothing else you can do to lock it up.

It was… pathetic. Horribly pathetic. But- …

Lewis shakes his head, reminding himself that there was no way this bastard is being honest! He lied for years- excellently crafted a lie beyond any logic that ultimately ended in shoving him off a cliff and to his doom-

And he continues to lie? Even- even fucking now?

But Arthur doesn’t stop crying, his shoulders shaking and the rest of his body beginning to tremble. The only thing preventing him from slumping over and really seal the deal of his supposive despair was the rope that Lewis was now seriously regretting.

…What was he thinking? Lewis demands of himself, tearing through his thoughts as he circles the side of Arthur and his fingers lace the ridges of the rope.

”H-hey, I’m sorry, Arthur.. I didn’t mean to- fuck- I shouldn’t have done that-” He stumbles over his words, fumbling with the intonation, as well as whether or not he had the right to even apologize for- for kidnapping him! For threatening him with death-! Lewis should be ashamed of his actions. The rope unravels, and disintegrates. Arthur brings up his arms slowly, eyeing his palms in shock before he’s up and standing and turning to Lewis. Distrust covering his face as he backs away like a frightened cat and almost pressing himself against the wall behind him.

Lewis, wasn’t exactly sure how to respond. Something about this scenario was off, it was wrong, and he couldn’t tell what exactly it was. Perhaps it was just the guilt that was already beginning to swell.

He- he’s seen this before, hasn’t he? Lewis could only recall a faint image- when they were much younger. Lewis was trying to practice for his role in a play, and Arthur had come over to help.

Lewis was a villain, and they were dangerous. He was dangerous. He only- took out his frustration through his roles.. And…

Lewis faintly could remember the scream. Arthur begging him to stop because he was hurt.

How did Arthur ever forgive him for breaking his arm-?

“Wh-here’s the exit?” Arthur asked, his voice wavers and Lewis is once again forced to see the sorrow etched into his exhausted face, and Lewis had to remind himself that things were different now. He-

Silencing his thoughts, shooing away the memories, Lewis sighs and nods to the door just a yard away from Arthurs feet, keeping his head down. ”Down the hall, then take a left and go up some stairs, the exit will be on your left.”

He flicks his wrist, and several deadbeats fizz into existence, ”here, they’ll guide you out-

Click

BANG!

There’s an explosion. One that rocks through the room, and tears into him. Somehow Lewis was still standing, but that could have been the shock, as his eyes flicker down and peer at his chest… and make out.. A hole.

A small one, barely big enough to chip anything major- being his anchor and ribs- but… a hole. That’s for sure.

Lewis blinks, slowly raising his gaze and…. Only able to make out…

Arthur. Has a gun. A gun that is pointed directly at him now. Smoking lightly and shaking even more. Matching the look of complete, utter terror on his face.

”Ar-”

Another bang, but this time Lewis was plunged into a world of black.

#Mystery skulls animated #Msa #Mystery skulls Fanfics #Lewis pepper #Arthur kingsmen #Eage writing #Anonymous #So fun fact I fuckin #pressed enter too early #bc i was worried i wouldnt tag it #whoops #Well anywAY HERE U Go #tw captivity #tw torture #tw drowning #threaten to drown #tw rope #tw gun violence #tw gore mention

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