#if i wasnt so tired id do an analysis or something | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

brightokyolights · 4 years

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I just saw your tags on the "harry was oppressed" post. Might elaborate on that when you are not tired? How Zayn was oppressed? His relationship to ot4. Other celebrities? I love your thoughts!

*cracks knuckles* buckle your seat belts folks we’re in for a wild ride here lmao.

also for context *here* is the post this anon is referring to

I think to start off i should just make a little disclaimer, everything i am going to discuss will be based in my biases probably seeing as I am also a brown British Pakistani person who is Muslim. Zayn has been someone that especially when i was younger I looked up to and was very essential in my journey of learning to love and accept myself and my culture tbh. It’s cheesy as hell but it’s true and i think this is important to know before I go into this more because like I said i am definitely biased towards him. Another thing is that I’m just going to be discussing my personal opinions and also my memory is not very good so i will probably miss out a lot of other things that happened/could be discussed. please dont take this as anything more than just. my opinion.

A thing that really opened my eyes to racism and especially the racism in the 1d fandom was the day that zayn left. I dont think thats what the post above was about btw and ill go into that but i kind of just want to talk about this. The day he left was. a severe mess. Not only because it was obviously upsetting but because of all the bs that people were spouting about a situation that absolutely no one had any context on. the statement that was released on facebook gave us nothing. literally just stated that zayn was leaving the band and the accusations and hatred people were directing towards zayn when we didnt know what actually fucking happened (and still dont might i add) was disgusting. people accusing him of being selfish and how they hated him and why he had to ruin everything. Accusing him of using mental illness as an excuse and lying about it and so much more. i had unfollow more than half of the people i followed that day. it really opened my eyes to the fact that these were all thoughts and opinions people had underneath it all and zayn was fine as long as he was part of 1d and giving people what they wanted. which was essentially being the token in the group and once he wasnt providing that anymore? people turned and people turned fast.

i think its also important to point out the flip side of it and that was zayn stans saying that 1d were nothing without 1d etc. i want to talk about why this was different from ot4 stans hating zayn. of course it wasnt nice to see or hear EVERYONE arguing with each other. i hated it so much. but i think what people failed to realise was that when it comes to situations like this you need to look deeper and think about all the nuances of the situation. zayn stans being happy about zayn leaving the band and saying 1d was going to die i did not agree with. anyone who knew me then and knows me now knows that i am a 1d stan regardless (preferably ot5 but i supported 1d until the end even as a 4some) BUT these opinions were rooted in his mistreatment in the band and the racism he was having to face as a result of being in the band etc etc i apologise for not being a person who can better describe and explain this situation but hopefully you are getting the picture. when fans were hating on zayn. with no context with nothing. that was based on racism. point blank. the amount of tweets FROM 1D FANS talking about how he was leaving to join isis and how upset fans were gonna be vulnerable and join etc etc all this deplorable bs. and he had to deal with comments like that throughout his whole time with one direction and i imagine even now.

Another thing id like to talk about is who zayn stans at least from my point of view usually were. For me i remember when i first got into the fandom i actively made the decision that i didnt want zayn to be my favourite because i didnt want to be a stereotype and this was a point in my life when i still tried to shun and push my culture down because i was ashamed of it. it was only as i slowly saw that zayn was considered as cool and hot and everyone else liked him that i kind of understood that maybe. being brown was alright and it was something cool and that maybe i was cool. it sounds fucked up and honestly i dont even know if i want to be admitting this so adamantly but argh if it helps someone understand then maybe its worth it. (mortifying ordeal of being known eh?) anyways i noticed as i engaged more in fandom and looked for more diversity, more fans like me, majority of non white fans were also... zayn stans. and honestly it makes sense because we all tended to flock towards the closest diversity we could find it seems. im not saying that there werent white zayn stans and that the other boys didnt have non white stans but i just wanted to point out this trend. so when you also take this into account and the fact that on the day zayn left it was majorly... white stans who were criticizing zayn it puts it in perspective for you. majority of fans who still like and support zayn are also not white.

there is a lot more to do with fans but hopefully thats enough of an insight and you can understand the kind of vibes that were present during 1ds prime and what not only zayn had to go through but also as a result the racism we ended up having to deal with as well tbh.

now!!!... something i dont really like talking about lol so this will probably be short but the other boys. so as far as i can remember liams always been kind to zayn since hes left (no surprise there <3 also please correct me if im wrong), niall was kind of indifferent/didnt say anything really, and then there was louis and harry *awkward smile*. hahaha. from my memory i remember when asked about what the most difficult thing was about zayn leaving harry said ‘the paperwork’ which was *awkward smile* and he also kicked that monkey mask/pinata? i cant remember with naughty boys face on it and honestly im sure theres more but his overall reaction to zayn leaving was kind of not caring and maybe being slightly nasty which :) with louis there was the massive twitter fight which literally tears my soul in half so lets not go into that haha and honestly other things where it maybe seemed like he was upset with zayn leaving as well. honestly i am a bit in two minds about these reactions because at the end of the day we dont know what occurred behind the scenes and we probably never will as much as we can speculate or whatever. not to mention that this 10th anniversary it seems maybe everyones on good terms which, who knows really im going to try be optimistic. i think whats important to note about heir reactions is that we dont know anything about their situations but the problem was really how fans reacted tbh (btw i forgot to mention earlier this is about basically everything except for harry and the nb thing. that is inexcusable). the boys reactions were understandable but the problem is that fans of course vicariously are influenced by the boy they stan so when one of them acted a certain way of course that ended up reflecting in fandom and resulted in more racism etc.

another thing with zayn was that there were many files leaked with like promo or whatever basically describing what kind of role the boys would take on/ their image etc. and of course all the other boys got things like bubbly/funny/charming etc and zayns descriptors? moody, mysterious, dark horse etc etc like from the inception of 1d zayn has been victim to racist stereotypes being pushed on him. and i think this is where harry comes in because of course the image pushed onto him was also extremely harmful and i definitely dont think we should not talk about that but often you'll see that... thats all that is talked about because people are uncomfortable admitting racism and talking about it.

When i mentioned other celebrities my point was basically just that while ive only talked about zayn in one direction this... is so present among any and every fandom. 5sos, Little Mix, Fifth Harmony... any fandom you can think of, i promise you it is there. racism in fandom is a real thing and a big problem and honestly this is why i always say representation is so important. and when i say that i mean everywhere!!! because if I didnt seek out non white fans to follow then maybe i would’ve had a completely different perspective on all of this.

The thing is also that a lot of this is just stuff that we’ve been able to get our hands on and also fan analysis and theories etc. there is probably so much more to talk bout or go into or stuff we’ll never even know about. I’ve kind of had to make peace with the fact that with celebrities you just really don’t actually know anything about them.

I think i’ll end this here if there’s any more questions you have about anything feel free to ask! and again this is all just my opinion but hopefully i’ve been able to help answer you <3 have a nice day and i hope youre hydrated!!!

#ask #anon #1d #zayn #long post #i also have links to posts for proof of how zayn was treated on the last day if youd like but i thought id simplify #and just talk about what i though #there really is so much more that can be said

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modiintrainguy · 5 years

Text

Message to the Mrs

February 26, 2019

On Wednesday last week I had a bit of a bad evening - as usual i built up an expectation of how i was finally going to start organising and deal with things that evening and then i didnt. i sat in the dark when the kids went to sleep and when mrs came home i said id look for a job while she went to the therapist but instead i went to bed and watched some tv programme about a year off on iplayer. then when she came home she said shed been discussing litlun and that even if there are other issues, my “mood swings” have obviously been a big factor. and that was it i felt awful. all i could think of was “they fuck you up your mum and dad”. the mrs saw i wasnt feeling good and asked me why but i just couldnt talk - maybe i gave up too easily but i just shut down. so in the morning i started wrtiting to her on whatsapp to try and explain what happened. then i felt my manager would see, cos i was writing on the computer, so i started writing in a word doc. but i never finished it.

anyway thought i might as well put it here.

This is what i wrote on word:

>>>>>>>>>>>>> One thing that really frustrates me is that we don’t plan things most of the time and then we don’t really do as much as I feel like we should. I feel like we are wasting our lives – we have the opportunity to do things and go places and experience things and we don’t do them. We don’t go on holiday, we don’t go to places. We don’t make plans with other people. This is my fault and your fault but I know that if I knew how much money we had and we planned things properly we could do so much more and get so much more out of life. But of course it means researching where to go, speaking to people, planning things etc. I always feel like we have some sort of amount of money to use on doing stuff and going places and we could use it so much better. also i know this bothers me alot more than it bothers you.

And I forgot to write about how im so confused about my mind/mood issues. I just don’t know what exactly is wrong with me and who I can go to see to work it out and therefore what I should do to improve it. I know something is wrong. Obviously. But I get upset that people are so easy to tell me its depression and I should take antidepressants – because it is such a simplified analysis. all these medications do is increase the amount of serotonin (or dopamine or Norepinephrine) in the brain, and theres no reason to think I have a lack of serotonin/dopamine/Norepinephrine in the brain apart from people kind of guessing that the lack of these neurotransmitters could perhaps be the cause of mental disorders. So by agreeing to take these antidepressants that its like saying the low level of serotonin/dopamine/Norepinephrine must be one of the main reasons for my problems and now we are well on the way to improving things. There is a lot of evidence that these drugs don’t even help and could even make it less likely there will be an improvement in the long term also. And the potential long-term affects are not clear at all – as far as I have seen in the limited amount ive looked into all this, these drugs have permanently change the way your brain works in the long term. Of course, I know that mindfulness and breathing and meditation can help – and I try to do them - but I don’t think they are overall solutions. So im all confused and uncomfortable because I feel like ive got stuck, like im at an impasse.

The one thing ive read/heard about that sounds interesting is called “Critical psychiatry” – a network of psychiatrists who are sceptical about the efficacy of medication and the focus on medication as a cure and on using catch-all terms like depression to describe an individual persons situation. So I thought is should find a psychiatrist who comes from this perspective. Im just uncomfoirtable with spending so much money on sessions unless it really feels like its going to be worth it. Like instead of going to 2 psychology sessions or just one psychiatrist session I could have a brand new pair of trainers.

So the thing is, each day when im in the office all these things rush through my mind. And I think I cant deal with it now so I’ll have to deal with all or at least some of it in the evening.

So I start imagining how in the evening I’ll sit with the computer and plan money and my amazing intermittent fast-keto diet food plan and an exercise plan and jobs and all of our food and supermarket plan and a holiday plan and work out yoga and stuff, and look into the theories and writings about psychological disorders and “critical psychiatry” and possible therapists. and I also know I need to clean up and do washing and stuff and I feel terrible that I leave you to deal with the clothes washing as well as organising money and all the million other regular things u do just to keep our household running normally.

But when I get home I feel overwhelmed - with the reality of the situation and how bad I feel about how you are tired because I feel like its my fault for not doing enough and for making you feel upset and uncomfortable in your own home because I have what you recently started describing as “mood swings” but really its me getting frustrated with things and expressing that frustration in a negative way.

And im also tired and I feel I deserve to have a rest and I know im going to have to get up early – either 5.30am or 6.30am so I feel like if I don’t go to bed soon im going to be tired.

If I’ve picked up the kids then I can’t do anything till ive put them to sleep, and then I usually sit in the dark for a bit because I don’t want to disturb them once I leave their room and I cant work out what I want to do and also I feel like I cant do anything till I have at least cleaned up the kitchen and organised my draws in my room and dealt with the washing. And I get frustrated about the mess and the dirt and the lack of real organisation and how I can never remember how to do the washing machine and drier.

And if I don’t pick up the kids and get home after they’ve gone to bed I see you sitting there trying to just relax and take yourself out of the stresses of your situation by watching video clips on your phone or on the tablet. And I feel even worse because of what ive done to make you feel like this, even though I know its not only because of me – its because of your stress at work and your dad and you miss your mum and how you feel a bit uncomfortable in Israel and how you worry about the girls and all this other stuff. But still I blame myself because I am to blame for a significant part of this.

And then I start regretting and feeling upset about how ive not stuck to the diet and I fucked up the job interview and I cant work out what I really want out of my job or my life and im never going to have time to organise a holiday or even things to do on Fridays and people to invite and how much we can afford to spend on people.

>>>>>>>

Then i sent this message:

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