#ill do it next week. this right here

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany. #and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

[todayisafridaynight]

obsessed with the bullets from my 'physical impacts from 'gaming'' notes for class cause they all talk about violence and aggression an yeah that sure is a thing in videogames but have you considered ichiban deserves to enact a lil violence. just a bit. also he's the light of my life and the ray of sunshine in the dark and

#snap chats #the videogame segment funny as hell in general cause theres bullets where its like #'yeah youre putting yourself in the position of these hyperviolent and dangerous people' #and then im thinkin of ichiban calling a fuckin crawfish on his phone like yeah. deadly stuff right there youre right professor #tho now that i mention ichiban Aw Fuck he might be the worst/best example of videogames and the correlation of violence #if not solely because his fighting method is literally influenced by dragon quest but i repeat hes valid and its ok <3 #anyway sorry i have to be sick in the head stop reading now if youre a fish. or daigo bear GET OUT #theres a note here like 'increase in arousal' and Honey. if my eyeballs observing this community have a comment on that-- #im not guiltless tho 😔 saw that forbidden masato katsu screenshot and i got sick <- still obsessed with how gorg he is #AND WHY DID THEY REMOVE THAT SCENELVKLVKJ ITLL FOREVER BE FUNNY AS HELL #THERES JUST THIS GORJUS AS CHRIST SHOT OF KATSU AND ITS LOST TO THE RGG VAULT #rgg please one high-rendered cutscene of ishin masato is not enough for me. his smile was so cute in the scene pleeaaaaasssee bro #im so ill. anyway im gonna lay in bed for the next five hours until my last class #i thought i was gonna stream but if i even try talking i just might throw up. also i should prob do my comm work instead OOP #luckily its just sketches this week so.... maybe i can stream tomorrow or thursday... #dont quote me on that i suck. anyway bye

[sanchoyo]

guess who got a JOB 👈👈😎

#idk how itll actually be but it sounds good in theory!!! #they can do my hours + benefits!!! on part time!!! (GOOD benefits too!!!) PLS LET IT WORK OUT....PRAYER CIRCLE #i dont start until MAYBE next week (or later depending on the speed of the background check/drug test stuff) BUT....it SOUNDS good to me #ill be workin Alone for the most part...just Vibin in my Own Area...free food/drinks too!! #i rly would like for it to work . bc this was GREAT TIMING i lose my dads insurance v v soon like 1 month T_T was starting to sweat over it #AND ITS NOT FAST FOOD OR RETAIL (HUGE W IF I HAD TO GO BACK I WOULD START BAWLING) #+ the boss seemed v nice and chill (and had sick tats) (I DONT HAVE TO DYE MY HAIR A NORMIE COLOR EITHER!!! DOUBLE W) #sanchoyorambles #very very happy. and so nervous i will probably puke #there were no interview questions btw it was just us cracking jokes + paperwork i got hired on the spot B) #i mean /i/ had questions but like none of the usual bs like #'where do u see urself in 5 years. why is this ur ideal job' type shit which was GREAT bc i hate those qs SO MUCH #we all know im here for money. and benefits. we do not need 2 play these games #but actually dishwasher or janitor kinda IS my ideal job?? so??? lol actually #i LIKE chill jobs where im cleaning things im GOOD at it when i had a higher pressure job where my work actually like #could influence HOW WELL AMBULANCES WORKED. IF I MISREAD A BLUEPRINT OR DIDNT DO MINOR THINGS RIGHT. THATWAS SCARY AND TOO MUCH PRESSURE #i mean my real dream job is artist/writer/otherwise creative in nature but. yknow! not realistic rn so....we r doing what we gotta 😤 #i...will try very hard this time #i NEED that debt to be paid off fr

[bloodyke]

family brought some bug into the house im gonna take a covid test tomorrow

#zenith.txt #beyo d frustrating that i do literally everything right by not leaving my house and if i do i wear a kn95 every single time #and i dont eat at resturaunts and i dont go into enclosed spaces with other people and yet bc of other people being irresponsable #they mightve guven it to me..... im beyond pissed #if it is covid im going on a rampage no one will be spared my wrath they KNOW im immunocompromised #everyone hope for the best and its just strep throat or the common cold #ill still be incredibly pissed off that my supposed family put my life in danger like this but at least i wont be in actual danger #anyways if you dont wear a mask and you dont take covid precautions and act like its over give all disabled people $500 and kill yourself #im also gonna buy a portable HEPA air filter for my room #im just so annoyed i beg them to take it seriously and they refuse to... #im going to die out of spite to make them guilty.... #anyways i have like 8 vovid tests stockpiled so ill take one every day for the next week just in case i get a false negative #im.even more frustrated bc i havent gotten it this entire time like i did literally everything in my power and avoided it for years #and now if i got it bc i of shit ass family visiting whom i didnt even want here..... #die die die die kill yourself jump off a bridge etc

[bericas]

fun announcement!

in honor of my finals ending this week, i’ve decided that i want to have some fun with my followers! so i present to all of you: a link for a gifset request form! 

some disclaimers (which are also listed on the form): 

i won't gif age gaps ships (yes this includes any combo of derek and the teens) or kate argent

you can submit as many as you want, but please only one per form

i probably will not be able to fulfill all of these! you could check tags on my blog to see if i've made/reblogged stuff for your character/ship to maybe get an idea of how likely i'd be to make your set, though i'm always open to new things!!

what i make may not be exactly what you were thinking, though i will certainly do my best to honor your thoughts!

ASIDE from all of that: no rules! let’s have some fun! wooooooooooo!!

#how do i tag this #should i make a tag for it? #bericas summer break* #like i will probably keep some of these that i like and make them eventually #but the intention is to get a Solid Amount out in the next few weeks #i have a week off and then summer classes and then all of july and august #so like again depending on the amount of interest they might be coming out for a while #but AGAIN #the intention is to get a lot done in the next few weeks #cat.txt #thats a fun tag for me talking right #i dont know that ill have many posts here that are just #me talking #but id like a fun tag for it #ANYWAY #im gonna rb this during a better time tomorrow lmaoooooooooo im just excited

[spoopy-fish-writes]

I have six artist research pages due tomorrow and I haven't started any of them which means that I've been keeping myself from Tumblr for absolutely no reason not going on this hellsite has done nothing for my productivity 🙂

#i have gotten NOTHING done #everything i need to do is due within the next week and I have started nothing #yolo i guess time to speed run 6 research pages and pray that the teacher doesnt get mad at me for not putting it onto slides #i have the research done or at least i will she wont be able to say shit to me #but also like im praying man 😭 #after this week im gonna be right bakc to my ususal bullshit on here i just hav eto get my shit together real quick #its like upwards of 60 pages of work plus a bunch of stuff online but ill made it work ill make it work #spoopy fish rambles

[notjanine]

i am so beyond tired beyond burnout, i went out for coffee this morning and when i placed my order, the barista so gently asked “would you like an extra shot of espresso in that? it’s on the house” and i almost cried. people good sometimes

#that extra shot did me good too #this whole internship has been a race between me finishing and my chronic illness getting more and more severe and #it’s down to the wire and they’re neck and neck #i started my last week of my last rotation by fainting for the first time in over five years since before i resumed school before my surgery #it’s real bad over here 🥹 #BUT me n books had a good conversation about how to better support each other and they’ve been here for me which has been nice #but i don’t LIKE asking for help and relying on other people like this so i’m gonna have to make Getting Better my summer project this year #which will be hard bc the summer depression hits harder at this lower latitude but #i’m gonna do my best. and i won’t have school! for the first time in so long i won’t have school 😶 #i’m so excited to get back into RECREATIONAL learning. just for me. because i like it and i’m curious and that’s good for me #me n Books are planning to move in together around the end of the summer and i was like #Every few months i’ll have to tell you what i’m thinking about studying next so you can pick what you’d most want to hear me infodump about😂 #it’ll be fun! i already have a rabies lesson plan ready to go (downloaded the most recent textbook on it for free from the uni library 😎) #but i also have good resources to learn about the chemistry and oropharyngeal physiology of taste/flavor AND #i found a great book on ancient meso/american cuisine #plus i’ve flagged so many MOOCs for later. about all kinds of stuff #ANYWAY. it’s been a rough couple weeks/months/years but the end is like. right here. i just have to finish

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ok. so the guy from school i visited emailed me today like: good news! we unanimously voted to extend u an offer here #so expect the formal offer in the next week. and im like uuuugh i wanna say yes so bad #bc in the us i would have more flexibility in the program than i would in the uk #and my options in the us r either to b a big fish in a small pond at this schoolor a little fish in a big pond at the other #bc this school is underfunded and a bit isolated out in the mountains but the staff r pretty great and big egos dont seem like a big issue #but if i go to the other school its like a big well funded school. the application was like 75 dollars. fuck u and really annoying #and i mean id have to live in new jersey. so in the city with city driving and prob a more high pressure school environment #and more of a chance of dealing with big egos. but like career wise im sure it would b good. assuming i don't mentally collapse #but i mean that doesnt seem as fun as spending 5 years out in the rocky mountains #like thry have fucking moose and bears! there were deer and turkeys in town! #and my dad just sent me a video of all the spring peepers singing back home and im like 😭 bc froggies and he was like i bet u could find #frogs out in [redacted city] and im like 😭 ur right. it just seems like the better choice for my poor overtaxed brain and the project is #so cool too. i want to get the cyano species as my computer background asap. and the guy is nice and apparently super supportive #and i could probably walk to hiking trails. god. i mean i have to say yes to that. i wanna say yes so bad. send me the formal offer bro #ill fucking take it before i even hear back from the other schools lol. ugh. i hate making choices #oof i am so excited to kno where im going and plan my departure. its gonna b such a pain moving tho i pray that my mum or dad can drive #with me bc otherwise the 20hr drive by myself might kill me. thats almost as bad as my initial move out here lol. the us is so big #ugh. again choices. is this the right choice? probably one of the biggest decisions of my life. the project feels so right. cyanobacteria #my algal group of choice. and hot springs. how tf do u say to no to that? i mean. id b doing that in new jersey too but with red algae #ugh. put me out of this misery lol. also as an aside. shout out to my fucking disaster brain for not being able to focus on a single thing #my boss in a meeting: so glad to have students and staff so excited to b working on this project!! me: lady i hate that im on this project #bc im just sitting in until they can get an actual student. i just do what im told but appreciate the enthusiasm lol #ay. im so tired. i wanna see the snow and mountains. and fix my head. and get outta the desert. and listen to frogs 🐸 😌 #unrelated

[todayisafridaynight]

never think of ichi getting a haircut and being upset with the result while getting your own hair cut lest you also be cursed with a cut You Did Not Want

#snap chats #everyone was here the last time i had a mental breakdown over a haircut i got right #part two baby !!!!!! #II WANT TO DIE SO BAD #i didnt have money to get it cut properly so i just had my mom do it since shes cut our hair for years #and she cut it too short and now i just feel dysphoric and ugly and i want to scream and die #‘snap youre making a mountain out of a mole hill’ LET ME BE UPSET #ITS MY HAIR MY FACE MY FEELINGS so if i wanna cry like a baby let me #esp since im going back to school this week like UGH I WANTED TO LOOK NICE THE FIRST DAY #i guess this is better than having my hair longer but still.... day ruined #at least ichi’s hair looked great.... i dont wanna look in the mirror for the next half year #ok im done being dramatic bye. im gonna cry on the couch <- exagerrating. hopefully. #ill probably judt try to draw to distract the fact my self consciousness is worse now LMAO WE’LL COPE SOMEHOW WE ALWAYS DO

[bitegore]

(not actually serious post) someone send me $20 so i can buy a burger

#i have money for this i just feel weird spending it. like as in i have my “mid semester mental health stutter takeout budget' #that i deliberately and carefully set aside for this current and next like three weeks because i always stop eating and being willing to #cook for myself and stop sleeping around now. and i am no longer cooking or sleeping #like my circadian rhythm right this second is more of a circadian jazz freestyle solo lmao #like i will not *turn down?* twenty dollars. but i have money for this i just am either going to say something here or ill be like 'pay me #for art!!' and i literally cannot do that. i still need to do the other art other people paid me for #its not done yet. ive been slowly working at it but its not up to my standards of professional behavior to be like 'and now ill drop #everything to take ANOTHER commission! :D'' #but thats like my usual goto

[jimingyue]

Cat Tumblr Dashboard Simulator

🖋️ meowful-musings Follow

🕊️ birdwatching Follow

what's wrong with dry food??? my humans feed me it all the time and i think it's fine

💀 elusivehider-deactivated948204

op wheres the natural feeding option

🌲 outdoorsy Follow

you guys are getting fed?

#im a barn cat so maybe im missing something here #meowtthew don't look

7,192 notes

☀️ pawsitive-affurmations Follow

ITS OKAY TO BE A MOGGIE

ITS OKAY TO BE A MOGGIE

YOU ARE NOT LESS VALID IF YOU ARE NOT A SPECIFIC PEDIGREE!!!!!

☀️ pawsitive-affurmations Follow

extra special shout out to cats who have "common" coat colors. grey tabbies and black cats i am rubbing against your head affectionately <3

🪤 m0usetrap01 Follow

as a grey tabby i really needed to hear this :"3

#i feel like i never see positivity posts for moggies even tho we're the most common type of cat....

154,688 notes

🎵 rage-against-the-meowchine Follow

i cant believe there are cats ACTUALLY advocating for kittens to be separated from their mothers before 12 weeks??? kittens still need to learn how to interact with other cats before being placed into their furever home omg you guys know you're advocating for undersocialized and aggressive cats right

❤️ loving-paws284 Follow

um op some of us??? matured early??????? i was separated from my mother at 7 weeks and i turned out fine... interesting how you assume that kittens being separated from their mothers at a younger age will lead to the degeneracy of the next generation...hmm i wonder where i've heard that before...

🐈 fluffy-the-cat Follow

OP got bit too hard during a play-fight as a kitten and it shows XD

🐟 tunafeesh Follow

also op have you ever considered that just because somecat is kind of scared and unable to deal with strange cats or humans, it doesn't mean they don't deserve to be adopted?? you sound like a vet psyop honestly

🎵 rage-against-the-meowchine Follow

oh meow god saying that kittens should be fully weaned before leaving their mother is NOT veterinarian rhetoric and i never said that they deserve to be euthanized!!! my mother literally died when i was 3 weeks old and it seriously messed up my development so stop putting words in my mouth, thanks

anyway friendly reminder that underweaned kittens are prone to illness and often struggle with basic cat behaviors like litterbox usage, and in some nyavinces it's even considered kitten abuse

#discourse #cant believe "kitten abuse is bad" is controversial now

32,456 notes

🍃 naturalliving Follow

BORN TO DIE

WORLD IS A FUCK

猫神 Kill Em All 1989

I am trash cat

410,757,864,530 DEAD BIRDS

#outdoorliving #outdoorcats please interact #outdoorcat friendly

48,971 notes

🎣 salmonpurina Follow

can't believe cats are uncritically reblogging that born to die world is a fuck post. i know it's funny but op is literally an outdoor cat truther

#like cmon now you just have to go to their blog #lulu speaks

34 notes

💀 tabbystripes-deactivated098712

gentle reminder that pushing cups off the table is not cute and can cause a lot of distress in your human!!!! gentle reminder that our teeth and claws can easily hurt them more than they can hurt us!!!!

🐰 evil-tabbystripes Follow

evil reminder that the cup should always be pushed off the table. evil reminder that you should always bite and claw at your human no matter what. you can do whatever you want forever

💀 tabbystripes-deactivated098712

make your own pawst

💀 laser-point-deactivated8574721

umm i know a tomcat who did that and his human ended up putting him down so...

👬🏻 nyasunaruenjoyer Follow

Nyaverage shelter cat behavior

#not nyaruto #re-nyab #pickles shut up

545,460 notes

🌈 nyaoi-warrior Follow

saw two male cats sleeping together on the porch today. homeow behavior imo

💡 discourse-meows Follow

hey um what the fuck??? it's really not okay of you to go assuming other cat's sexualities, especially cats you don't even know???? as a queer cat i'm VERYY uncomfortable. real-ass cats didn't consent to your nyaoi fetish, thanks

🌈 nyaoi-warrior Follow

1. i was making. a joak

2. i'm literally gay???

#literally what's your pawblem

7 notes

🎩 amazingcatshow12 Follow

reblog if you've ever caught the laser pointer

🎩 amazingcatshow12 Follow

i know you fuckers are lying

🍭 gaykittens Follow

this tom hasn't caught the laser pointer

🎩 amazingcatshow12 Follow

shut the heull up

988,653 notes

🐾 b-e-a-n-t-o-e-s Follow

grey toebeans >>>>>>>>> pink toebeans and don't let the haters make you believe otherwise

🐁 ladymouser Follow

op shut the fuck up ALL toebeans are beautiful!!! just bc you're miserable and insecure doesn't mean you can bring others down based on things they can't control

🐾 b-e-a-n-t-o-e-s Follow

oh so the cat-human separationist wants to preach to us

#long post #cat #fake dashboard #unreality #dashboard simulator

[kotaromita]

a lot of things are happening to me recently, huh? usually i'm just an observer of the most interesting on-goings in my friends lives but lately i've been tagging along in all the most significant of chaoses

if i told myself from a few months ago that was my current day to day he'd be scared shitless but luckily everything happening has been pretty good

#originals #my best friends sister is living with me #after their house burned down #im going on a date soon #and taking my brother to PXL next week #also i finally totally finished the bgm for the single im doing right now #i mean of course ill futz with it here and there #while i add the vocals but #in terms of as an instrumental its completed #the lyrics are a little bit #different from what i usually do #but hopefully i can still make it feel like a mita song

[honeyednights]

.

#death cw #cancer cw #dying grandmother cw #so from the tags you probably already know what this little rant/diary entry is about #so my nans cancer returned this summer after many years and it quickly got worse #so when i came back from my summer holiday i travelled up to her and spent a week with my grandparents and that was so nice (and sad ofc) #but it was like already thought that she probably wouldn’t have like a year left but rather months #and she’s gotten worse but not like she’s dying right now worse but a gradual thing since july right #and i was supposed to travel up last week but i got ill with a corona/cold/the flu kinda thing and that’s obvi an absolute no to be around #and this week she was hospitalised but i didn’t stress too much about it bc she’s been so a few times with infections etc #and then this morning my mum called and said i should get up as quickly as possible #so three hours later i was on the flight to them and like almost crying with regualr intervals and i managed to hold it together and not #break down on the train nor on the flight #and i got to the hospital and just… seeing how badly she’s doing and that she’s going to die within the next few days is just…. #like we’re superclose we’ve always been superclose she’s my closest grandparent #and like these months of knowing she’s going to die soon and grieving her while she’s alive and okay has just been so weird #and i’ve been sad but also a little bit pushing away the thought that she’s dying while preparing myself #so it’s felt like unreal but a little real you know? #anyways the whole family is here and so when i got to the hospital we all sat in the room and a i cried a few tears here and there #after a while i got some alone time with her ans i just broke down #like i tried to talk but i just kept crying and not being able to control my voice and i hate that feeling so much #my nan can talk and she’s there but she doesn’t have the energy to lead the conversation #but we said we love eachother so much and she was very comforting while i had my breakdown #which btw i have a raging headache from crying so much<3 it really helps the situation i think to have a headache as well #anyways i feel bad that i didn’t say more or had anything in particular to say #but she said that’s fine and that she didn’t have a lot to say either but she loves me so much and it’s just #like i know this is grieving and being sad about death and it’s heartbreaking to see her this bad and i’ll be fine life will keep going but #her not being around is just Not Right at all #i’m just sad and i want to be comforted but i don’t want to at the same time and just i don’t know #i’m just sad and a mess idk sorry to anyone if they read all this

[florida3exclamationpoints]

Everyone kept saying a bunch of things that made me feel bad about quitting but I slipped my resignation letter on the desk and RAN AWAY anyway

#ig they hired someone who is technically a sales associate but they want her trained in the bakery too #but idek if she'll be here on mon/tues next week???? #will i have to deal with it???? idk!!! #but they asked me if i was ok with showing her stuff and i was like ahaha yeah ok #what am i SUPPOSED to say????? #and then he also asked if i was doing smth right bc he thought he might have confused me with smth he said before #and i was just like yep! got it! #this is 2 MINUTES BEFORE IM CLOCKING OUT #i feel so weird being like yep i know how to do this yeah i can train that person but also im leaving next week #but literally what else are you supposed to do how do people quit omg #so i almost freaked myself out too bad and didn't do it #but i slipped the letter on the desk. in a hopefully kinda descrete place so he wont see it immediately #and i usually sit in my car for a few minutes before i leave but i just booked it out of there 💀💀 #SCREAM #i have to text the manager when i get home to make sure he sees it... i have to work 2 days next week.... #and who knows what that's be like. normal? awkward if the manager is there probably #will i have to train someone?? who's to say #but then. :) im going on vacation :) and ill worry about another job when i get home :) #AAAAAAAAAAH #she was a baker girl

[zeawesomebirdie]

Today's dilemma: do I leave the weeds in the garden because they mean I don't have to worry about watering on days I physically can't; or do I do a little weeding because I don't want my toddler pumpkin plants to be choked out by the weeds and today is the last (forecast) day where my asthmatic ass is safe working in the garden before the smoke comes back

#my plan is going to be make my tea then go out into the garden and take a good long look #i might not even physically be capable of weeding too #that is *also* a possibility here #because today im exactly 4 weeks post-op #and weeding is like the exact opposite of the movements im supposed to be doing right now #well #no harm in going out and looking and deciding then #were also expecting a string of 90°F/32°C+ days until like monday #as in today's high temp of 93°F/34°C is the quote on quote coolest it will be until like mon/tues #so if i dont remember to water my garden....... #the weeds *do* compensate for my being physically incapable of watering i will give them that #next year ill have to plant wildflowers to do this job for me #ill still have to thin out and 'weed' anything that gets too close to my pumpkins (or other veggies) #but sheesh

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose #very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body #so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with #energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we #can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like #losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my #ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things #less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out #but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional #range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes #so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like #oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to #understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have #to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make #me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain #fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like #lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes #me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs #will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u #plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im #trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying #to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me #more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something #how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at #first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into #academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u #gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer #then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement #well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw #unrelated