#im really unhappy with this bc i rushed it all today :( | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mean-hare · 2 years

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third fuckin chapter of my diary lifestory (mhwnbcb)

achtung: boring, whinning, bullshit, stoopidness, mistakes of non-englisher. every character is real, everything is true, wtf

july, 1 nothing to eat but plently of coffee to drink. perfect. i started to drink more coffee. i started to even like it

july, 2 i wonder how many calories extreme sweating burns. i hate to wake up in such wet clothes under that hot sun rays

july, 3 my mom gets a kitten. i suggested to name him ronald. its tiny orange and white creature with blueish eyes and too loud voice. mom is happy but i am already overwhelmed

july, 4 asked mom to buy icecream and choko bar. thats the only things i ate today. all the day i watched long unhappy movies. dont want anything

july, 5 too many caffeine and once again million thoughs rushing my head at once, winding out my already poor powers. i thought i need to eat but when i ate i realised its not a hunger pain. i made bracelet of horse hair i found at the village field few weeks ago and my fingers tired. kitten walks on dark corridor, meows awfully loudly, annoying. i killed a moth attracted by the light of my phone.

july, 6 today i liked what i saw in the mirror and i thought maybe i am not fat and my weight is just a muscle weight. but then i decide i was wrong and that "muscle weight" is just an excuse for me to eat more and gain. so i declined this thought

july, 7 absolutely messed up with pancakes

july, 8 i started to do some little workouts. idk maybe its uncouscious wish to be good for my friend who is going to gym. i dont want to have muscles, i dont want to be strong, my body goal is more like live bjd doll. but he says that i am really very strong, one of strongest guys he know already. maybe i shouldnt waste this

july, 9 i binging to celebrate birthday of my dearest friend who probably doesnt like me and doesnt want to talk with me

july, 10 i pretended and considered about random shit and ideas and one idea was clown energy drink with eyestrain design and cursed pics on can and with weird tastes (like strawberry and seaweed or milk soup or meat icecream or peach buckwheat or what) and it also should be bright colored. and of course it should be zero kcals. i think i am gone abnormal and need more fucked up stimulation for all my senses

july, 11 bags and napkins and cans and bottles all around my room for few days long and i have no will and no powers to clean it up so i sleep in trash once again

july, 12 i tried to not hold the grudge for everyone who doesnt care about me, how everyone forget about me. i ate sweet bullshit to hold myself in better mood but it makes everything worse as always. at least i have no energy for crying and psych around. i am so ugly. as always. i think about sleeping in clothes like my dear danny does. clothes can hide my bodys ugliness from my eyes

july, 13 everything so pointless and maybe i should stop and doing nothing. everything i tried fails and i cant even die no matter how i want to. now all i can is just sleep, eat and watch something just to kill time not spended in sleep.

july, 14 i crush bodies of insects with my own bare hands. im living in dirt and dont take a bath or shower so it doesnt make difference

july, 15 i felt asleep at 2 am. i woke up at 4:55 am because of fuckin air alarm sound. you better leave me under their bombs but let me sleep, заїбали

july, 16 stuck in binge and cant purge bc this can make my severe headache become more severe

july, 17 i found girl online who lives in same city and we met irl. we both have tatoos and scars. she also has blueish hair, collar with chains and glitter makeup. . we sat in park and listened free music show of not really good bands. we may be friends. or not. i think i look and behave as an idiot. if only she is so lonely that shed like to have any friend, even miserable ones like me. and also i am too shy

july, 18 i didnt realise how touch starved and deprived i am until i took ride on tram. there stood very handsome man near me. he had long hair and shirt with dragon and hieroglyphs. all the time i thought about him. why that man? i dont know. but i was desperately wanting to embrase him, to lean to his chest. pet his skin etc, i was almost shaking, i dont even know, i felt something like this only when met danny at first time but we knew each other before, i think i never felt something like this to a stranger never seen before and may be never seen after and i am not horny, i didnt wanted sex, i just wanted touch. i so desperately wanted it and never get. i had an panic attack(i think it may be it) that night. danny was online and he tried to calm me. i asked him to stay with me online and we chatted a little, i cried and whinned to him and then exhaustingly felt asleep

july, 19 my face looks unfamiliar. something wrong. my eyes, my face look different. it also looks thinner but im sure that i lose no weight

july, 20 i send mails for 3 people and appeared in a group chat. and nobody answered

july, 21 success day. i stayed on my limit. goin to slaap. wantin cookies

july, 22 i bought and ate cookies. and chips. and choc. oh shit what have i done

july, 23 i ate so much (bag of spicy chips, 7 pieces of toasts with cheese, milky way bar) drank so much caffeine drinks (can of cold coffee, 0,5 l of energy drink, 2 l of pepsi black, many cups of tea)and i didnt sleep. i actually didnt sleep yesterday, i couldnt. i am home alone today. i walked my dog in hot concrete suburbs and then it the thunderstorm came. i singed for 3 hours and send, recorded this and sent records for dani bc he loves my voice.

july, 24 i didnt sleep so it wasnt hard to walk my dog at the morning. i was already awake and we walked in fields. fields looked very weirdcorey at the morning but after 30 minutes nature started to irritate me. we went back. i bought pack of cookies. then i drank a few cups of tea and coffee and started to feel nauseous because of too much of it.i slept a little on a couch at 12. then i wake up but was still tired so i slept few more hours. and then again. woke up at 16-17 completely and go to market and bought few more energy cans, 1 pack of chips and 1 pack of milk. then i walked with dog again. i ate and drunk so much but i hope that my long walks burned all of it. i am really so fuckin tired.

july, 25 toys are so expencive. i spent money on overpriced but so cute plastic horse. maybe i looked stoopid. brutal metalhead in black clothes with spikey bracelets that buy pink girlish toy. but i glad that i did it. i also bought some snacks and zero drinks. i sat on a bench, drank an energy drink, looked at the sunset and felt myself the coolest guy at the playground

july, 26 people joking about night crawing, night overeating etc but when else i should feel this crawings if i usually go to sleep at 6 am and waking up at 17 pm? how fucked my daily shedule is. but i have no regrets about it.

july, 27 no limit overtake bc theres no eadible (for me) food in house

july, 28 classical gross feeling after food. the guy writing this is Stupid

july, 29 i almost didnt eat, i cried almost all day and all night. i cried and cried. my parents was in same room sometimes and they didnt noticed bc i cried silently, i dont want them to see it. i miss my friend dani. he doesnt talk with me and i do not understand why.i miss him and i tried to be a good friend but nobody wants me now. i cried about my loneliness stopless guy from the shyzo chat calm me down finally. he likes me, i even dont know why but it is soo good. he sees something unique in me

july, 30 i trought that i tried everything and got hella bored but then i found a market with many snax and drinx to try. i missed new experiences

july, 31 i bought and drank so much caffeinated sugarless cheap drinx that i suffered all night… it becomes my bedtime routine lmao

#mhwnbcb #mental disorder #male ed #ed bllog #ed life #disorder #disorder eating #bpd #binging #purge #pain #whining #stupid

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nightglider124 · 4 years

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U doin okay night? Saw ur posts from yesterday and u seemed rly low? Hope ur feelin happier today? :/

Ha... you know... not really tbh. Ive been feeling really shit for a while and honestly... i just feel really alone. I dont feel i have anyone around me and i feel like... most of my friends, both in real life and on here merely tolerate me nowadays rather than wanting to speak to me.

Not that anyone does really try to speak to me much anymore. I feel like most people ignore me or just dont actually like me anymore, even people who i consider friends. Nobody seems interested in things i say or do much anymore and its okay, i’d get sick of me too after a while ha.

But ya know thats the thing about depression. It cant be helped and tbh, its been getting steadily worse for me. Its gone downhill and im finding it harder to be happy go lucky and positive nowadays.

Despite what some people might think, i hate me too bc I know all i do is complain and be unhappy lately and im no fun so im not surprised people have stopped bothering with me. I know i whine and i moan and I just am not really joyful to interact with. I get it and i dont blame people for wanting to leave me to it.

Im a hassle and im a burden and i feel that already. I know it so its fine.

Just like i know there are probably people who i consider friends reading this and shrugging or rolling their eyes bc yet again, im posting about being upset. Like i said, i get it and i know im a bother.

But at the same time... it really hurts when my feelings dont even get acknowledged meanwhile someone else has an upset episode and people rush to make them feel better immediately. Idk i guess im just tired of feeling like i dont matter to anyone.

Im... just really not in happy spirits most days as of late and... idk if its gonna go away. Tomorrow i might be happy and positive and “back to normal” but then it might all go to shit again the next day.

I didnt mean for this answer to turn into a vent and im sorry for being a depressing little shit.

I truly see it and understand why people dont like me much nowadays. Its why im trying to stay off here some more and why ive stayed logged out of discord the last couple days too.

Just feels better if i stay in my little corner and keep to myself where i dont annoy others haha.

But thanks for checking in. It really is appreciated. 💜

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idsb · 4 years

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@ self harm / eating disorder anon from last night, i don’t want to risk triggering or upsetting anybody but publishing your asks, so i’m responding to them under the cut here

Anonymous asked: so recently like this past week especially I’ve had a lot of trouble w/ eating and yesterday I like full-on broke down over the fact that I had ghosted this person like almost three months ago and I felt so bad and I went into like a very depressive state for hours and like eventually I dmed them and told them that I was sorry about ghosting them and stuff and that made me feel I little bit better but yesterday I also started cutting and today after not being able to eat anything when I went to lunch with my mother we got into an argument about portion sizes which made me eat even less so I barely had anything to eat then and when I got home I felt so bad again that I cut and actually drew blood this time. It just hurts a lot of the time and I just feel bad about ghosting that person even though I've genuinely apologized. The cutting wasn't just from me feeling bad but like it was kinda like the last straw. I just feel v bad abt everything and I tried to also eat earlier but I could barely keep that down without wanting to throw up either. I don't want to die or anything like that like im mainly over my depressive episode from yesterday but like it still hurts a lot and im just still in such a state of shock abt cutting myself. Tumblr deleted like my second ask so I might be repetitive bc I don't remember exactly what I put in that ask; thank you for letting me vent chicken nugget.

i thought for a while about how exactly to respond to this, because reading it hurt my heart a lot and more than anything, i’m sorry you feel that way.

I can relate to these things you’re feeling for a lot of reasons; 1) that i’ve accidentally ghosted people quite a few times before due to anxiety and BEAT myself up over it, 2) i completely understand how mothers being completely inconsiderate about body weight can affect you; my mom used to tell me i was going to grow up to be “fat like Britney Spears” (as if Britney Spears has anything but a perfect body, tf), and 3) i cut up until i was like, i think 17(?) and the thing is, there’s a reason why people do it - when that happens, your body tries to protect you from the pain with a surge of dopamine, aka chemicals that make you happy, and you get a rush from doing it that, if your sad makes you feel better, and makes you addicted to doing it. it also makes it so easy to cave into when things go wrong or feel like the last straw, and i know far too well the feeling of shame that follows; knowing you’re so unhappy that you’re addicted to doing that as a means to be even for a second. I know how painful all of those things are. Two of them are hallmarks of the very worst moments of my teenage years, and i’m so deeply sorry that they’re things you’re experiencing.

I’ve never had an eating disorder, really, so I don’t have a lot of advice to offer in that regard and i don’t feel completely equipped to help, but please, whenever you’re feeling down about that or you feel it getting to you, remember what Taylor said: you’re a person, not a coat hanger. Your primary function in life is not to stand around being stick thin. You are supposed to live and have experiences and memories, and eating is a part of that. i know that can be hard when there’s a potentially overbearing parent sticking two cents into it, but try as hard as you can to not take a word of it to heart. say okay if that gets her to shut up in the moment, and as soon as she’s out of sight just go back to living your life as-is. if you need to see a doctor for not being able to keep food down, please go and see one. there is absolutely NO shame in asking for help and the last thing i want is for you to be seriously hurt. i think you sending this ask shows that you know you need help; you knew it enough to come to me, so PLEASE take it a step farther if medically necessary.

And as far as the ghosting, just know those are mistakes that everybody makes. you’re allowed to mess up. everyone messes up; everyone does stuff like that sometimes. it’s okay.

i hope today has found you a bit better than yesterday and please just know my heart is with you.

#tw: eating disorder #tw: self harm #asked

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