#im so tired of being stuck in my house

[the-yearning-astronaut]

.

#☉ #already getting stress induced nose bleeds again lmao #bro's not even back in the house yet but him and dad were going at it tonight #yelling at each other in the kitchen and i could hear them from my room in the basement #im so tired of it all #especially since my mom and i get to listen to them bitch about each other afterwards #before he moves back in im setting a firm boundary: unless i ask about something specifically *i don't want to hear about it* #ive hit minute 22 with this nose bleed now #i thought it was gonna be a short one (10-15 mins) but nooooo #i can feel it getting worse #based off my experience last summer im pretty sure that if i could just.... #get out of this fuckin house #80% of my health problems will improve on their own #since all of them are triggered/aggravated by stress #too bad im fuckin stuck here for the foreseeable future #tbd #edit: 25 mins in and i think it's stopped for the time being... #i can hear my dad bitching about my brother to my mom rn while she's trying to get ready for bed #because she just got home with working her second job #and has to be up in 7hrs for her first one 😭 #i want to yell at him to shut up or yell at my mom to tell him to shut up #neither of us will do such things tho #and so it goes

[pepprs]

bad enough that i am stuck in my life but even worse when i have to work through / around the stuckness in front of people i care about / explain it / be perceived in experiencing it. UGH!!!!!!

#purrs #i live in my childhood home i share a bedroom withy sister it hasn’t been redecorated since before we were born i don’t even have a license #ive never dated or even been liked like that by someone i know except one time ive never done like 75-80% of the things ppl my age do and im #gonna show up empty handed and empty brained to everythi ng and be seen as stupid and uncaring and whatever when really im just tired and my #life is so flat rn and i don’t have the strength to pull it up by myself and give it shape again but i have to. i don’t think i have covid ( #thank GOD) but i can say even without having ever gotten it and hopefully never getting it that it has ruined my life like genuinely. i mean #good things have come out of it too but i was already socially / emotionally stunted and then being locked down for a year and a half like l #literaly not leaving my house for anything but medical stuff until july 2021 was so PRPFOUBDLY damaging. i feel like someone has taken a the #motion blur tool i. photoshop and just drawn like a scribble over me so some parts of me are stretched to where they need to be and other pa #parts are stuck at like age idk 16 and i think i need to have most of the parts motion blurred to like… move forward! but i can’t make that #happen and i have to explain it and move around it and it’s so EMBARRASSING omg. girl help i am flowering on the wall i am blooming late i a #am hiding in my shell and i want to come out but i also DO NOT so i am cowering in fear forever and never standing up for myself or standing #up at all to be honest!! lol 😸👍 #anyways this post is brought to you by how INSANELY much i do not want to reply to a particular email in my inbox or spend my time tonight #[redacted] on express when i am already so exhausted. and if that makes me a bad person then so be it i guess i am one #* i don’t even have a LEARNERS PERMIT let alone a license. lawl <3

[grantihare]

mother in law stole my fave pj pants cant have shit in this house

#i have to joke abt it bc if i dont ill have a break and the last straw being pj pants would b pathetic of me lol #vent post #i have been looking for them for over a month and just assumed they were in our laundry #and the only place she couldve gotten them is from our pile downstairs #so now im just. stuck thinking abt how many other of my favorite things have gone missing in the wash and wondering how many are just gone #like the matching shirt is missing. does she have that? did she take both? shes stretching the pants and im hoping theyll recover but the #shirt cant stretch that much so is it in the pile or did she take it or did she get rid of it or is it going to show up burned with holes #like most of my other shirts do #i cant even have fucking clothes in this house i cant eat i cant shower i cant exist downstairs for the majority of the day i cant make #noise i get yelled at and walked in on for using the bathroom i cant fucking exist without my partner or their brother as a chaperone #i fucking hate it here i cant fucking take it i wish shed tell me to kill myself again so i could get it on recording and get a fucking #restraining order and never see her again i want her to leave me alone i want to feel safe again i want to stop being terrified to breathe #too loudly i want to be able to leave my partners fucking room i want to have somewhere to call home i want to not be hated for existing #im so fucking tired i cant keep doing this fuck me #were supposed to move out in april or may and if we cant find a place that soon idk what im gonna do bc i cant hold out much longer here

[wabblebees]

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#i just think if yr assignment in yr college poetry class is to share a poem with a small group of yr fellow students who u dont know at all #& yr poem is abt self harm in the most triggering graphic way possible. maybe dont fucking share that one for feedback from yr classmates. #bc. holy fucking hell dude. like thats still fucking me up hours later #ill be fine i promise #but. god. holy shit. #im not saying you cant write abt that bc!! i sure fucken do!! but id never fucking share that shit without at the VERY least including a tw #beforehand. and i certainly wouldnt be sharing it in a situation where other people's fucking grades are dependant on engaging with #that particular piece of writing and giving me FUCKING FEEDBACK on how to ~improve my prose~ and shit?? #after reading it i wound up moving all of my... shit. into the common area in the house and going on a long-ass walk to get away from it #but my brain is still. yeah. it just blindsided me really hard out of nowhere and now im just kinda. stuck. #especially since im too restless to fall asleep and too tired to be awake. otherwise im being very deliberately careful with meself tho #which is!! certainly a vast improvement!! so that i will take!! #self-harm mention in tags #sh ment in tags #self-harm ment in tags #like i said ill be fine! its just been. a lot!! on top of a day+week+month thats already been very brainweirdbad #and i needed an extra place to vent after talking to some of my people abt whats up #bee speaks

[lilgynt]

CRINGE. i judge my reactions to my situation like a media character but in a bad way bc i’m insane :)

#personal #oh i’m not bearing this struggle silently with no complaints #ready to help my dad everyday for the rest of my life #i’m not getting another job while making sure my mom and dad are okay and feel loved #i’m being snarky and mean at times #im constantly crying #i’m not thinking of my father kindly #i’m not just bearing it im talking about it all the time with my friends and siblings and sometimes at work #stoicism brrrrrrr lame boo boo be earnest and open yeah i know but also hm. why aren’t you just. dealing with it #so i get all of that and i start thinking if i was like a character in a book or movie or if someone was watching me #and to be polite let’s assume under their analysis of me they have a knowledge of my -back story- and inner dialogue and then i also have #to edit and adjust my thoughts anyway that’s another issue ongoing issue but just now with the dad situation #but! fun part of being insane and having some actual disposable money and not caring! #i got some clothes jewlery to symbolize how stuck i feel in subtle way and also would be sexy hot and goes with my style #and sure i’m just spending just to get out of the house or to just look forward to something im too tired to use n im my moms kids etc etc #but still sexy hot is the main focus. look at me. sexy hot. #sometimes the whole character analysis thing is comforting too. topic change but sometimes it’s :/

[fleshdyke]

fghsgrf

#my dad is yellinng and slamming doors and there are people on my roof and every time they nail something in i get scared really bad #and im just hiding in the bathroom and im scared out of my fucking mind rn #my hands are shaking so fucking bad and i eish i was anywhere else but here #i dont want to die but i wish i was fucking dead rn i wish i could kill myself temporarily just to prove a fucking point #bc i feel like he forgets im here half the time and im so fucking tired of flinching every time he talks or moves or does fucking anything #i wish my mom was home rn but i feel like she would just be even more disappointed in me and i cant fucking handle that #i wish he would just go and fucking drink until he was friendly again bc im so fucking scared of him when hes sober #and i would bet anything in the world that hes not even going to apologize after hes just gonna pretend it never happened #and i wont be able to do anything bc im too scared of him to do anything about it and im stuck here for the next who knows how many years #i wish my family wasnt broken and i wish it was more broken so somethingc coild be fucking done about it bc im in that sweet spot where im #terrified of everything he does and like all of my ttrauma can be traced back to him but no one will believe me that im being abused #i dont wanr to exist right now i want to just fucking vanish #i wasnt meant to be here i dont belong in this family or this house or this fucking year i belong in the woods #rambles #vent

[quitedisastrous]

life was so much easier three days ago when i was detaching myself from reality and spending all of my free time shiny hunting

#im fr gonna be stuck having the worst week so far this year just to have to force myself to play through ultra sun so i can beat it #solely because i need to trade blacephalon for the ultra moon exclusive before the online stuff goes down on the 8th. god #starting to tire of shiny hunting and whatever the fuck has been going on with me today has just made it worse #also tried to draw for the first time in a few weeks (which is a shit load of time for me since i normally do it every couple days at least) #but i just. couldn't. so that was fun #i gotta deal with all this shit from college just to 1) get a job 2) get a job in a workforce that is totally going to cause some sort of #strife in some capacity most likely (going into web development as a woman as far as i need the public to be concerned) #ghm i give up on spelling these all out. i'm a freak who gets freaked the fuck out over situations that i'm not familiar with #can't drive (also scared of that because responsibility for unfamiliar things freaks me out) #never had a job in my life. has never experienced a life outside of academics. queer. genderqueer. i haven't seen my friends since last may #man. i don't know. i could point out a million other things about being queer and probably neurodivergent and scared and sad. #i just want to go on and have a place of my own and a romantic partner and a pet beetle and to bring some of the outdoor colony cats from my #grandmother's house inside with me. and stuff. #i don't know #i just want to be happy with meaningful connections and not scared and not whatever the hell is going on with me today #maybe i'll just go do my final project proposal for the class this freakout is stemming from in the first place and sleep and #see if that does anything. maybe #what is wrong with me

[leatermouth]

i feel so miserable rn

#my bf is in college and im so fucking jealous #i feel a little Bitter almost #because my life is going nowhere right now #im still here im still miserable in a house that im weary of living in #im only getting poorer #its impossible to get a job try as i kight #i feel stuck and lost at the same time #i need to DO something but everything i set out to do i feel like i fail somehow #i get too tired and just lie down and never get back up #i just want to do sokething #i want to study science for my funeralcare career #and i want to go to a university #i want to just leave here and DO something be with other new people im so tired of being stuck here #and seeing my friends get out and do stuff #and my boyfriend get out and do stuff and its all paid for #i just feel bitter #i dont know how to fix it #cynfael speaks #vent #ive been inside just painting all day #im so So tired #im seeing him tomorrow ill feel better soon #i just feel jealous and bitter

[deadwolfpack]

Wow wow wow everything is so unbelievably bad I've almost been put in dormancy like 5 times this summer. I wanna kill myself so bad I'm so absolutely exhausted trying to find reasons to live. Idk, maybe I'll stick around for Em's wedding so at the very least she'll have some good memories of me and won't have to live knowing her dead friend was supposed to be at her wedding. I genuinely cannot see myself surviving this Christmas bc I am always so fucking alone and I always relapse and drink for 2 weeks straight and think abt pills the whole time

#confidential.talks #idk maybe its selfish #i should probably at the very least wait until my parents come back from holiday in december so at least the dogs taken care of properly #ik my partner is struggling a lot rn too and i dont blame them at all #but fuck im so tired of being thr strong one of the two of us #ive lost count of the amount of times ive broken down crying asking them what im doing wrong they dont talk to me anymore #idk idk rhis is selfish #at least they arent screaming at me and gaslighting me and using trauma holders and frags to sign away my life to them like my ex did #im just so so tired and it feels never ending #its not fair everyone gets to play happy families and im stuck in the house ive been abused in my entire life #ive lost count of the amount of times ive tried to kill myself in this room #i feel so selfish for wanting to die but i cant keep doing this back and forth

[vaultbuggo]

Wow today's been a shit day when will it end

#like. wow. shitty fr. thanks ❤️ #probably months of repressing a lot of shit catching up with me and that ever constant anxiety of the future and naturally the paternalism #of both parents #21 and ive done what fucking shit with my life? oh yeah. gets a bachelors in a degree that's practically usrless #but they pushed me into university immediately and i had no fucking clue what i wanted to do #and now I've got a degree and what the fuck am i supposed to do with it #and no job experience #and jackall #i want to die so bad i need a job or i will literally end up getting depressed being stuck ina. fucking house #where the only thing that makes me worth anything. any sort of fucking value #is my Work and Effort. #not even allowed to fucking. play a game no its go find a job oh go do the chores oh no do this for me im too busy #and sure. im not doing anything. but ive been doing. EVERYTHING. for the last four years of uni and then before that ive been doing #high school exceling #ive been so fucking. patient. so fucking #patient #im so tired im so fucking tired im so

[cottagecryptic]

.

#i hate being so low energy #i feel stuck in a viscious cycle - cant do shit bc im exhausted. if i do things im exhausted. i can literally get out of bed #and exist in my house for two hours #and im immediately exhausted #all i did was do basic care for my bestie and then took a shower #yet im exhausted #i have shit to do and i cant do it bc im exhausted #but i also cant sleep all the time bc all it does it make me more tired #i have mobility issues and they give me so many issues #i cant even skate anymore #i cant run #li cant excercise the way i need to in order to lose weight #i feel trapped and i fear itll last forever #i hate this so much #why cant my body just work?? #tez talks #tbd #vent

[harrowharkwife]

having an ableist #Autism Mommy narcissist for a mother never gets less tiresome/hurtful/infuriating/disappointing/just plan embarrassing, huh?

#will delete later don't rb #im just. sick and fucking tired of getting my feelings hurt #this is why i don't talk about her and this is why i can't handle dwelling on how bad of a mother she is. #it always just ends with me crying and feeling like a pathetic and unwanted and embarrassed little freak #some part of me is stuck being the weird little middle school version of me #who constantly felt sad and jealous and just. sad. whenever i went to friends houses or heard them talk about their moms. #because all my friends moms loved them. and all my friends were best friends with their moms. #and i never got to have that. and i never will. and it makes me so fucking jealous and envious and furious and just. sad #is the word for it really. just sad. #your mom is the one person on earth who's supposed to love you no matter what. and you're bombarded with that message as a kid #so if your mom doesn't love you... what's wrong with you? #i know NOW that that's not how it actually works & that it's not my fault & that it's her problem not mine #but. sometimes one stupid text from her will still just derail my whole day and suddenly I'm 12 years old again. #it is such a lonely and isolating feeling growing up as a girl who isn't best friends with her mom. #some part of me is always going to want to grovel and bend over backwards and disregard all my own emotions just to feel like she loves me. #or hell even LIKES me! #and i know it's not a healthy instinct and its one i need to fight and ignore for my own good. but like. #i just want my mom. :( and i just want her to be proud of me and like spending time with me and care about how i feel. #i want to feel safe going to her for help with things. or even just a hug when I'm sad. but i don't get to have that. and it sucks. #yes i AM watching b*ck b*gins what about it. anyway. sorry for having mommy issues on main. gonna go dig a hole and die in it now #the eternal struggle between standing up for myself vs jumping thru the hoops required to make my mom give a shit about me

[ff2-soda-pop]

So I think the fact that every single day for the past week has been the exact same with literally no difference is starting to bug me—

#I have not been anywhere but this fucking house for a week and I cannot stand being in here anymore AT LEAST I USUALLY HAVE SCHOOL BUT #HAVING BREAK MEANT NO SCHOOL FOR A WEEK AND I DONT. LIKE IT #BECAUSE IF I DONT HAVE SCHOOL I DONT GET TO DO ANYTHING BUT BE AT HOME AND EVERY DAY IS LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME #like not even the stuff my mom puts on tv is different anymore it’s just the exact same cop drama -> news -> exact same talk show over and #over 24/7 and my sister always plays the exact same videos on loop so I’m hearing that all day every day and it’s the EXACT SAME and then #even if I do something different it’s still just a different version of the shit I always do so even that’s not even That different #and it just feels like the same day on an endless loop because nothings changed and it’s been a week straight of this pretty much #and no one here does anything. my mom only ever seems to get in facebook arguments or watch the repeating tv shows my sister just plays her #videos and lines her toys back up when they get knocked over and so literally everything is the exact same every single day and yeah I like #routine BUT THIS ISNT ROUTINE it just feels like I’m stuck in this endless loop and I hate it so much #‘well if you wanna go somewhere go on a walk’ BUT IM ONLY ALLOWED TO WALK THE SAME CIRCLE I ALWAYS DO AND THATS BEEN THE SAME FOR YEARS AND #MY MOM GETS PISSED IF I WALK ANYWHERE ELSE AND ITS NOT EVEN AN INTERESTING CIRCLE TO WALK OVER AND OVER FOR YEARS #and aside from school I pretty much Never see my friends and it’s not like I’d be able to go see them anyways because my mom always screams #at me if I wanna go on the bus for anything BUT getting to school and back and she wouldn’t ever drive me because she never ‘feels like it’ #and there’s literally no one my age in this neighborhood anymore so I can’t hang out with anyone here either so basically if I don’t have #school then the only people I see are the people who I am always stuck with and I just- UGHH #I don’t know. I’m just tired of things having been the exact same for a week straight like it ALWAYS IS but now I don’t even get the slight #break of getting to go to school so at least I’m not stuck here 24/7 #vent