#i wasnt meant to be here i dont belong in this family or this house or this fucking year i belong in the woods

[fleshdyke]

fghsgrf

#my dad is yellinng and slamming doors and there are people on my roof and every time they nail something in i get scared really bad #and im just hiding in the bathroom and im scared out of my fucking mind rn #my hands are shaking so fucking bad and i eish i was anywhere else but here #i dont want to die but i wish i was fucking dead rn i wish i could kill myself temporarily just to prove a fucking point #bc i feel like he forgets im here half the time and im so fucking tired of flinching every time he talks or moves or does fucking anything #i wish my mom was home rn but i feel like she would just be even more disappointed in me and i cant fucking handle that #i wish he would just go and fucking drink until he was friendly again bc im so fucking scared of him when hes sober #and i would bet anything in the world that hes not even going to apologize after hes just gonna pretend it never happened #and i wont be able to do anything bc im too scared of him to do anything about it and im stuck here for the next who knows how many years #i wish my family wasnt broken and i wish it was more broken so somethingc coild be fucking done about it bc im in that sweet spot where im #terrified of everything he does and like all of my ttrauma can be traced back to him but no one will believe me that im being abused #i dont wanr to exist right now i want to just fucking vanish #i wasnt meant to be here i dont belong in this family or this house or this fucking year i belong in the woods #rambles #vent

[babysizedfics]

I know the dark sides kinda accidentally bullied Virgil for regressing but did they know/realise that he has autism? Did they know how to help his sensory issues or did he just have to try and cope himself?

EDIT 31 oct 2020: this info is slightly outdated now as i have decided vee does not get diagnosed until he is 14

This is a little bit heavy so scroll past if u want fluffy happy stuff!! mention of internalised ableism

Janus was basically his father so yeah he definitely knew Vee was autistic and accommodated him to the best of his ability at the time - but he wasn't the most educated on the smaller aspects of autistic life, he knew the big things like meltdowns (which he was adequate at getting virgil through) and stimming (he actively encouraged it but did tease virgil about being embarrassed about it which only made v more embarrassed) and vee not liking certain textures or bright lights (not necessarily an issue in their house) but he wasn't that aware of the things that go unnoticed like small sensitivities to food and poor emotional regulation and other things i can't think of atm.

He was guilty of thinking Vee was simply picky and fussy as a child and didn't really click that it was just another part of being autistic and should have been taken more seriously. Also Janus thought it was standard for Virgil to have a proper meltdown every week, but once vee moves to the light sides its more like once every 4 weeks because its a much more accommodating environment

Also he is canonically pretty selfish, I'm not sure he would have actually sat down to research accounts of autism from autistic peoples persoectives, he probably researched just the standard medical info and considered that enough

(quickly mentioning here that janus is not bitter that virgil left. he was at first but when he saw how much better virgil was doing in the other house he was satisfied that virgil was where he belonged, even if it was still upsetting to him that it wasn't with him. it's not until he wants in on the regression family dynamic that he recognises he COULD have helped virgil feel better in the dark sides house, and begins to educate himself on virgils specific needs so that he wont make the same mistakes again as nana janus)

back when vee was a child Janus explained to remus what autism is and Remus was pretty indifferent tbh he didn't really listen and janus didn't explain vee's specific needs in detail. remus was not very considerate or observant, so tended to accidentally trigger virgil's sensory overload by being loud and stuff. occasionally he felt a little bad about it but would just roll his eyes - but he wouldn't do any loud pranks for at least a few hours after. he never made things harder for vee on purpose out of cruelty, he just wasn't necessarily willing to adapt his behaviour for the sake of virgil if it meant he wouldn't personally have as much fun.

as much as janus knew how to get virgil through a meltdown, virgil had to deal with all the smaller details on his own. he had to pick certain foods off his plate and wear ear plugs when the others refused to turn down the volume on their horror movies and he struggled a lot with internalised ableism because no one helped him with these things so he thought it would be burdensome for him to ask for help but he also realised he wasnt coping well on his own and really wanted help, he just wouldnt let himself ask for it

in conclusion, they were aware of his autism and didnt make fun of it in any way because thats mean. Still, they weren't very educated on it or considerate at the time and didn't adapt the environement much to make it easier for virgil to cope, which is one of the things that led up to virgil moving out

I want to point out again that these are realistic experiences that explore a family who did not have the tools to effectively make things easier for Vee at the time, it is not abuse and it is not "unsympathetic", though it was undereducated and inconsiderate - A lot of the reason things were so bad in the house was because the dark sides just dont communicate effectively.

janus and remus are awkward with feelings, their idea of a heart to heart is grumbling a slight reassurance veiled in 8 layers of sarcasm then immediately calling each other names to brighten the atmosphere. theyre the friends who say they thoroughly hate you when you make them laugh and they threaten to decapitate each other as a form flattery. and they dont need to change that about thrmselves, some people are just like that, to janus and remus thats their favourite way of communicating and showing affection and it makes them happy. its just a bad match with virgil who is very sensitive to even the slightest insinuation that someone doesnt like him. janus and remus arent bad people they just are not the right people for virgil to live with

I am basing this specific storyline/concept on my experiences with my family and their gradual acceptance and understanding of me being autistic. Yes it would be nice if every family instantly knew exactly how to make things easier for someone who is autistic but it's just not always that idealistic. It's not black and white, it's not either 100% supportive or 100% abusive. it's not always a linear line, sometimes families make mistakes and accidentally make things worse at some point, but what matters is they recognise and acknowledge them, apologise sincerely, educate themselves and unlearn misconceptions, and work to be better in the future!

#i am begging u not to come for janus because hes based on my mum WHO IS NOW CERY UNDERSTANDING AND HELPFUL about my autism #so pls have open minds #im not even sure i want to address this in the series at least not directly because its pretty heavy #can u tel im nervous and defensive about this one #ableism mention #nana janus #chaotic cousin remus #little/big insights #little angst #asks #indent anon

[originalexcerpts]

I made a short ACOTAR fanfiction of Rhys and Y/N. It takes place several centuries after Feyre dies in a war. You purchase her human home in a town near an ocean and find Rhys sitting on a bench overlooking the ocean from your backyard.

I couldn't sleep so here you go:

I slid the pale pink robe tighter across my chest as the wind rustled by. The night was colder than any I had experienced since moving here a few weeks ago.

I knew I would need a new coat for winter with how close to the ocean the property was.

It was almost a dream the day the house went on the market. I had been scouring local ads for months, just praying something would be available. My new writing job required plenty of time at home and in a city like Vickzens, it was difficult to find something that wasnt a 2-story walk up in the city center. I didnt need any distractions. Which is why the moment this place went on the market I called immediately.

It didnt take much convincing for the seller to turn over the keys. She said the place had been in her family for years, but no one lived there. It wasnt until her grandmother passed a three months ago that she was even allowed to list it. She said her family had some weird attachment to it, and that I was more than welcome to take it off her hands. It was only her and her children left anyways, and they had spent too much time in this city, at her grandmother's nursing home, to be good for their mental health.

I felt bad for her, and gave my condolences, but a part of me was really thankful to her as well.

I moved in a few days later, and barely cared to notice the chipped wood floors or broken chandelier in the main entryway. The walls were dusty, but still held a magnificent glow from the gold flecked paint. There were murals along the stairwell of stars and the moon. Little crevices threatened to peel away at the paint, where the stairs had expanded over the years. That only meant the wood was real.

Small drawings done in what I believe was crayon and pencils swirled throughout three of the bedrooms. Maybe there were children here once.

Each room had it's own fireplace, and each fireplace had it's own story to tell. From flames and glittering silvers that almost formed blades, to flowers and autumn leaves.

The kitchen exploded with gold in the sink, the cabinetry, and the thin lines throughout the marbled countertops. How was I able to afford this place?

You could barely see the aging of the bathroom tiles beneath what I believe were hand stitched rugs. The thread pulled in places, but shared images of sunset intertwined with nightfall.

An artist. The original owner, or those who followed, had to have been an artist.

I made my way through the cobblestone trail leading from the back door towards the cliff's edge. My hair whipped against my cheek, but the ocean's waves lulled me closer.

The garden behind me now must have once been amazing. Hedges, withered from the seasons, line the stone path way and lead out on both sides to stone statues and tall old trees. I remember gasping when I saw it for the first time in daylight. But then the fireflies and lanterns glowed that first night and I fell in love. I decided then and there that I would try to find any bit of green my thumb could offer. I wanted to remake it. I wanted to see it for what it originally was.

It's been a few weeks now, and it definitely has a long way to go, but I almost dont want to go back inside at the end of each day. Anytime I take a break from writing, i am right back in the garden plowing away the weeds and planting fresh life.

I close my eyes and listen for a moment as the wind rocks the sea and little insects hum. This is my life, now. I get to be free from the bustling outside world and forget the heartbreak that led me to running away in the first place.

When I opened my eyes the moon was half hidden behind the clouds. I turned to go back inside, but then I saw him. A dark shadow of a man resting against a stone bench less than twenty feet away.

I was supposed to be alone here. I owned the land for miles.

Fear raked through me as I debated confronting him. What if he was dangerous? Should I call the police? What would the police even do?

Just as I stepped back to hurry inside, he swiftly moved from bench. His frame faced me, but I couldnt make out any features other than his impressive height.

"Who-who are you?" My words were choked, and I wasnt sure he could even hear me.

He didnt say a word, but I saw his shoulders straighten.

Then he was moving forward. He was walking towards me in the most graceful and demanding way I had ever seen.

I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. But I couldnt. I just stayed completely still while trying to convince myself I wasnt insane and that this man wasnt a murderer.

"Hello, dear," he stopped just far enough in front of me to half-bow and take my hand. His lips brush my knuckles before he released it. "Why is it that you're here?"

Why am I here?? This is my house. Why is he here??

The words werent forming, but he nodded his head anyways.

"I use to know someone that lived here once. A long time ago." The clouds released the moonlight just enough for me to glimpse sadness in those deep violet eyes. "Forgive me for intruding. I was unaware that Janna relinquished the deed."

So, he knows the woman who sold me the house? I wonder what relation they had. She looks much older than him, from what I can tell. But it's almost hard to determine his age. Part of him screams ancient and deadly, but his features are so beautiful and delicate that he couldnt be more than mid-twenties.

"I'm flattered you think so." He chuckled and looked away. "I have known Janna all her life. This home belonged to a distant ancestor of hers. But was abandoned some time after her death." He walked towards the cliff. "War is a cruel cruel thing." His inflections were playful. Dangerous. But his words were heartbreaking.

I wanted to reach out to him. To touch him. Comfort him. But I couldnt move. My feet were almost glued to the spot.

"Why do you come back here if it reminds you of something sad," I blurted out before I could stop myself.

He turned back to me, and was now fully drench I'm the light of the moon. It seemed to almost glow from within him. His dark hair was riddled with loose curls, and his purple suit was nearly the shade of dusk.

"A dear family member's funeral brought me to town not too long ago, and I havent wanted to leave, since."

The wind picked up with his last word and my robe parted slightly. I watched his eyes trail below my chin and immediately wrapped myself up again. Pervert.

"There is blood across the base of your neck." It was almost a reply, but couldnt have been, because the word never left my lips.

Before I could lift a finger, he already had my chin in his hands and was wiping away the cut with a silk white cloth. How had he moved so quickly?

"You should be more careful, dear." With that, he slipped the cloth into a pocket and disappeared. There were specks of glittering dust and shadows where he once was.

Was it just a dream? Had he been an illusion?

Who was that man?

#acotar #fanfiction #fanfic #acotar fanfic #a court of thorns and roses #a court of mist and fury #acomaf #rhysand #rhys #y/n #rhys x y/n

[a-wanderin-whirlybird]

Sole Ender AU Its the Little Things

It's the little things that made Ryan feel safe with the Fakes. Like how Gavin and Michael always walk on his right side, never his left, so he can always see them. It's how Geoff makes sure that any Heists outdoors are occurring when it doesnt rain. It's how Jack always has an extra umbrella or Eye Patch for him. How Jeremy and Lindsay make sure to never make direct eye contact. Jeremy looks at his mouth, Lindsay watches anywhere and everywhere else.

Those little things always made Ryan feel welcome. Even after they found out about the experiments, the Lab, the Eye. But still, something felt missing, Ryan could never put his finger on it. But he felt, lost still. He didnt realize the Emptiness was caused by something so simple until one night while playing Trivial Pursuit.

"Authors last names? Fuck that! Every last bastard whose ever written a book has a weird ass last name! They could be Hilda Sasquatch or some shit!" Jeremy shouted. Jack laughed and Gavin snorted.

"Jeremy, you wrote a book." Michael reminded him.

"Well Dooley is a funny last name!" Gavin pointed out as Jeremy growled and slapped the Brit on the back of his head.

"Yeah, like Free is any better!" Jack was losing it in the background as the Lads began to bicker and wrestle. Ryan's nose scrunched as his chest tightened and the empty feeling began again.

"What's with the face Rye?" Geoff asked breaking Ryan's stare. His left eye was covered with a glittering purple and blue eye patch Gavin had made out of his Sparkles. It was a fine gift, one that Ryan treasured.

"Its, it's nothing really." Ryan insisted a bit hesitantly. Geoff shook his head.

"Suuuuuurrrre, it's really nothing." Geoff drawled sarcastically. Ryan rolled his eye.

"Your like a security camera." Ryan muttered. "You keep digging and digging."

"Yeah that's not weird at all." Geoff sighed. "But fine, I'll stop. Just remember you Can talk to us."

"I... I know Geoff." Ryan muttered as the fight before them settled. "Just. Not now?"

Geoff nodded and they all turned back to the game. Ryan hoped that he could bury that empty feeling and never touch it again.

It was just a Last Name after all.

Turns out Ryan couldnt avoid the feeling for long. It was another game night a few weeks later. Jack and Geoff were out with Gavin, so Michael, Jeremy and Lindsay insisted Ryan joined them for Mario Party.

"Right so what's got you so fucked?" Michael asked never looking away from the mini game on the screen.

"Oh elegantly put Jones." Jeremy teased. Michael knocked into Jeremy who went tumbling away and Ryan felt the hole in his chest open again.

"I dont know what you mean." Ryan said as Lindsay pressed into him.

"Bullshit you keep wincing at random! Your eye bugging you?" Lindsay asked this time. Ryan shook his head, he felt stupid he just wanted these people to stop caring so much!

"We arent going to stop caring dipshit that isnt how this works." Jeremy said. Great, Ryan thought, he said that out loud.

"Yeah! We're a crew and shit we ain't gonna not care! Somethings bugging you and we want to help!" Lindsay declared throwing her arms around Ryan and pulling him into a hug.

Ryan tensed then mumbled.

"Sorry what was that?" Michael smirked. "Cant hear you through Lindsay dude."

"I dont have a fucking last name alright? It's a small stupid thing but it drives me nuts! I feel even less human!" Ryan shouted, pushing away from Lindsay. Michael and Lindsay began to laugh.

"Dude chill. It's just a name it doesnt mean shit!" Michael wheezed.

"Yeah dude. No need to get your panties in a twist over it." Lindsay added. Ryan growled and silently rose to his feet.

"Ryan?" Jeremy started but with a Vwoop, Ryan teleported away leaving the three others behind. In a cloud of dull sparkles.

Ryan could teleport pretty far. The farthest he ever went in one go was 20 miles. But now he didnt want to go far, just hide. And what better place to hide than one of the safe houses?

It was a small apartment closer to the suburbs of Los Santos, it was nice, if small. It was usually reserved for when someone was on a solo mission and needed to lie low, which meant that Ryan was there most. So he got to decorate.

Back at the Labs he never got to make any space his own. Everything was sterile and empty. He hated to remember the open space and clean white walls and the smell of bleach and chemicals.

Which was why this space was filled with stuff. Sure it was tidy, nothing was rotten or moldy, but Ryan used every space available. If the floor didnt have a rug there was a table or chair. If the tables didn't have Flowers, TVs, knickknacks or something on it there was usually a cup of Diet Coke. It was filled to the brim with bright plants, paintings, photos you name it.

Ryan plopped down on the couch feeling stupid. Why was he so hung up on a name? He had given himself the name Ryan sure, why not a last name?

Ryan knew why, and as that thought rose up he pushed it away. He didnt want any memories of the Labs in his head right now. Now he wanted to just sleep, he wanted to feel less... less stupid and childish.

So Ryan went off to the bedroom and buried himself deep under the covers, like he used to, and blocked out the rest of the world.

Ryan was 13 again and he sat on his cot, swinging his legs absently.

"Why dont I get one?" He heard himself ask. "Why am I only a number?"

"Names are given by family to people. You have no family and you are no longer human. You are far better than that." One of the blurred figures said. The second scoffed.

"Better? It cant even run the most basic excersise without failing ten times. Its isnt anything but a waste." Ryan couldnhear the sneer in the figure's voice as pain shot through every nerve on his body. "Failure doesnt get you a name of any kind. You are a tool, and a broken one at that. Dont forget that."

Ryan woke up with a start. Turning to the clock Ryan cursed. 3 am. He wasnt going back to sleep. Again.

Getting to his feet Ryan didnt bother to change into fresh clothes. He had slept in his jeans why not just use them again? But he grabbed a jacket and went out into the night.

Mount Chilliad loomed in the distance as Ryan walked the dark streets of Los Santos. He could have teleported where he wanted to go, or even driven. But he didnt want to. Walking felt better, it gave agency, he decided where his feet went, no one else.

"Oh Thank Fuck! I've been looking everywhere for you!" Ryan jumped, ready to fight and run from the handlers. When recognition snapped his mind from bad memories.

Standing before him was Jeremy, holding a tiny wiggling bundle of fur. A cat from what Ryan could tell. Jeremy smiled nervously, but relief was evident in the smaller man's eyes.

"Look, uh. Fuck I suck at this shit. Let's go inside yeah? We are near a place I own. Come on." Jeremy ushered Ryan towards a nearby apartment building. Ryan followed wordlessly, but obediently. At the door Jeremy hopped around a little.

"Keys, keys. Uh Hey Rye mind.holding him for a sec?" Jeremy then thrust the cat into Ryan's hands who finally got a good look at the little fur ball.

They were a tiny black kitten, fuzzy and wiggling furiously. What stood out the most was that it was missing a front leg.

The door clicked as.Ryan made eye contact with the little kitten. His chest tightened and his mind whirled as he looked into the kittens little eyes. Then it looked at Ryan's jacket and started burrowing into one of the interior pockets. Ryan felt a purr resonating out of the tiny cat from in his jacket and through his ribs. His chest began to unclench and suddenly he was.aware he was inside a studio apartment.

There were art supplies everywhere. Everything from Yarn and Knitting needles, to paints and canvases to wood sculptures, and musical instruments were strewn about. Jeremy hopped around the room over to a ragged old bed, kicking off his shoes as he went.

"Well, make yourself at home. Dont mind the mess things just get thrown around alot." Jeremy said sheepishly. Ryan picked his way through the room, his eye moving around and soaking up all the little pieces. The space felt lived in not just visited like the safe houses.

"Is this a safe house?" Ryan asked as he sat down on the bed. Jeremy shook his head.

"Nah. It's my apartment. Before I joined the Fakes I lived here. Still try to come back, sometimes you just need your own place you know?" Jeremy explained. There was a tense silence for a few minutes then Jeremy spoke.

"Michael and Lindsay were being a bitch." Ryan tensed ready to run. "No please just, hear me out?"

Ryan froze, suddenly aware he had gotten up to leave. Jeremy had his arm, and the Kitten purred even louder than before. Ryan sank back onto the bed.

"Look. I dont know what your life was like before you joined us but it obviously wasnt even a little bit good. Actually it sounds like it was fucking awful." Ryan laughed dryly.

"That's putting it lightly."

"Yeah no shit. But it's not stupid to feel shit." A pause. " If not having a Last name bugs you why dont you give yourself one?"

"Its not..."

"Not that simple yeah?" Jeremy finished Ryan nodded as the kitten crawled out on Ryan's lap.

"Alright, well. Do you think you can tell me why?" Jeremy asked. Ryan thought, eye down on the kitten as the little guy curled up on his lap without a care.

"Its not the same. It belongs to a family. I cant be a family of one." Ryan insisted and Jeremy shook his head.

"Ok two things. One. Thats a load of horseshit and who ever told you that was dumb as fuck. And two. There is more to it isnt there?" Ryan stayed silent. Running his fingers through the Kitten's fur. Jeremy began to whisper. "You're human, Rye. Just cause someone says you arent doesnt make it true. I know that one."

Ryan froze he didnt expect anyone to pick up on that. The whole Not human but was always somewhere in the back of his mind, eating at him. Jeremy wrapped himself around Ryan hugging him tightly. Ryan shook as he melted into the other man's touch, a few tears spilling out.

"You know. My family abandoned me when I was a teenager. Said I was a monster just cause I kissed both guys and girls. Not exactly dubious experiments but it is dehumanizing all the same. I kept my last name though. I did it as a big old fuck you to them. They died during one of the Fake's heists. Got to watch then burn myself. But the name never connected me to them, a name connects you to who ever you want it to." Jeremy was quiet as he spoke, his voice against Ryan's skin as he pressed into Ryan's neck.

Something was bubbling in his brain, but Ryan had no idea what it was. And right now was not the time to figure that out.

A small Meow pulled the two away from one another. The little kitten was trying to climb up Ryan's jacket between the two. As it scrambled up Jeremy laughed, and Ryan felt a chuckle escape his throat. The kitten then flung itself over Ryan's shoulder, it's one front paw kneading his shoulder blade and purring up a storm.

"I forgot this little guy was here." Jeremy said through a laugh. A pause, then Jeremy smiled softly. "Ya know, I was going to take him to the shelter. Geoff won't let me keep any animals. But I think you should take him."

"You just said-" Ryan began but Jeremy shook his head.

"I'm not allowed any animals. Geoff never said anything about you keeping a pet. And hey! Now you have another family member! You can give him a first name and a Last name of your choice!" Jeremy beamed at Ryan who smiled a little.

The sun rose as the Battle Buddies walked into the penthouse. The morning news was filling the living room, telling the story of several Petstores that had been robbed of supplies in the night.

"And what a coincidence, you both have Pet stuff." Geoff hissed as he sucked back more.coffee.

"Yeah well, Ryan's got a cat now so you gotta have toys and a litterbox to you know?" Jeremy said as he dropped a giant bag of cat food next to the kitchen Island.

"I thought I said no pets!" Geoff shouted, his voice cracking.

"Yeah but only for Jeremy." Ryan pointed out. "Abd Finnieas isnt a pet. He's family."

Geoff paused, Ryan knew the gears were turning. Geoff groaned.

"Ugh! Fine! You can keep the damn cat!" Geoff hissed. "And Finnieas? The hell kind of name is that?"

"Ih his full name is Finnieas Gavallo Haywood thank you." Ryan insisted with an air of dramatics. Jeremy giggled and kept in front of Ryan who held the kitten before him.

"A poud name Haywood! Ancient and divine! Dating all the way back to 4 hours ago!" Jeremy exclaimed. Geoff laughed.

"Alright you dolts get a move on. I'm going to text Jack and let them know you two caused the morning rukus." Geoff said. Jeremy took off down towards Ryan's room, a bag of cat toys in hand. As Ryan went to follow, Geoff got up off the couch. He placed a hand on Ryan's shoulder and gave a lop sided smile.

"Haywood's a good name. You know. I picked Ramsey myself when I built this crew. Jack took Patillo at that time to." Geoff then walked away, pulling out his cellphone and typing.

Finnieas purred as Ryan took in the unspoken message.

A name may seem like a Little Thing, but it holds importance all the same. And sometimes you need to give yourself those Little Things to heal.

#Sole Ender AU #Ender!Vagabond #A kitten has joined the party #Ryan Haywood #yes he named himself #FAHC

[grace30102]

Please.... be my bestfriend

Chapter 1: New days

If I had one wish, I'd go back and live life all again. Although this time I'd choose where id go and who I'd love.

Since I was a child I loved south korea and dreamt that one day id have the opportunity to live there. Everything captivated me, the music, the cuisine. But I think what really drew me in truly was their attitude towards plastic surgery. You see, as a baby i was born with a birthmark, a port wine stain birthmark right across my lips and left ear. Growing up in the uk, it isn't the norm to have gone through 2 surgeries by the age of 14 to get them removed. Plus the bullying definitely didn’t help. But by 15 i had had enough, i wanted to go somewhere where i felt i belonged and wouldnt be ridiculed for the issues i had with my self-image. So with alot of Korean practice and alot of persisting to my mother...i was on my way to korea.

“please be good to your host family, they're letting you into their home so make sure to be clean!”

“yes mum, i know, i will”

“make sure to text us on the plane and when you get off and when your coach comes and...”

“mum, i will, everythings gunna be great. I know it”

“i know, but its a different country and you know how i worry”

And she does worry, alot...too much for her own good. I'd know id miss them but this is truly what i wanted to do. I could tell my dad was getting nervous for me, but never said too much to me that day. I think he knew that if he spoke, his voice may crack, so he kept it to hard short sentences..

“right honey, lets let her go”

“okay okay, be good, love you so much, be safe”

“i will love you too”

And like that, i was gone.

Honestly i LOVE travel. I dont know where it started or why, but i loved the idea od sitting on a plane for hours by myself. I think it has something to do with music and finding just that right mixture of joy and meditation. I slept most of the way there, knowing that when i arrived it would probably be almost 5 in the morning and id have school a few hours later.

By the time i landed in korea i was shaking, not only because it was extremely cold, but because i was so scared. I wished to have good friends here. That maybe being here was where i was meant to be.

On the couch the landscape was incredible, to be honest it wasnt alot different from where i lived. But sooner we travelled further into the city of seoul, the scenery changed and as well so did the pace of my heartbeat.

I was dropped off at a small building complex with my bags. Not more than 6 flats where in this building and all not looking too big. My host family were at number 3, so i plucked up my tired feet and all the confidence i had left in order to greet my new roomates with a bright smile.

“hello, im y/n. Its a pleasure to meet you”

“ah finally, yes, nice to meet you. Come in”

Okay...od but whatever. We wont judge her tone too harshly. Maybe she's tired, i means its only 7am.

“thankyou so much for letting me stay in your home this year”

“yes okay, here you are. Breakfast is in the top shelf. Dinner is at 8. Curfew 9.”

Idk why she said the fist part in English but okay....she opened a door just next to the front door, turned on the light and walked away.

Well...okay then. The room was..not huge...well it wasnt really medium either. It was quite small. Kinda like a bike closet. But whatever, it will do for this year. I don't take up much space. Plus, I'll be cleaner if the rooms smaller. Though...the bike and rack of coats crowding the space wasnt really helpful. But at least the window was pretty. There was a little withered What i think was a rhododendron. ..But i might be wrong.

“dont worry little fella, we’re gunna grow nice and strong”

I couldnt really eat i was so scared for school. I had to pick up my uniform there so i figured it wouldnt hurt to be early. The school was about a 40 minute walk but i kinda enjoyed it...again..i like travel. By the time i got there, the gates were open. No one was around so i guess that was a good thing that i wasnt sticking out too much. I had an idea of where the front office was due to prior phone calls with some of the staff who were eager for me to arrive. One of these teachers was miss. Joun. She was very excited about me coming over and having a foreign exchange student from the uk. I guess i was the first British person they've had in a while?

It wasnt long before i met her in person, her smile was infectious and exactly what i imagined it to be. He helped me with my uniform and personally dropped me to my first class of the day.

Not too much happened in class, everyone welcomed me nicely and cheered for me but after that it seemed really hard to talk to someone. My anxiety was getting the best of me and i knew i had to be confident and at least attempt some talk. But the words just didnt come out. Lunch rolled around fast, but that wasnt really that much fun either. I didnt really sit with anyone and i was shaking like a mad man..so that wasnt helping. I kept hearing the word “pig”. I knew i wasnt as skinny as alot of the other girls im the school..but it was only because of the puppy fat. I dont know, maybe i was a little chubby. Ive never really thought about it too much before.

School seemed to move slower after that and i was actually feeling a little relieved to be walking home again. Though i found a little bench outside a park on my way back and decided to do a little extra korean before i got back. Maybe id try to make my new host family laugh or want to spend time with me. I dont know.

By 8 i was starving. The house was empty when i got home so i resided in my room till i had the confidence to venture out for food. I was half hoping someone would knock and call me sweetly . But alas nothing. When i reached the kitchen they were all there cleaning up their plates. I kinda felt like crying. But then again i couldnt blame them. I was knew here, i didnt know their schedule.

“hello, good afternoon”

“heres dinner”

The wife had but down a small plate infront of me with what looked like a few overdone kimchi pancakes and an apple. Not gunna lie i was kinda confused. But thanked her none the less. This was my fist encounter with the husband.

“hello, its nice to meet you, i’m y/n”

“hello, lin-ah i want a beer”

Well..okay . And just like that they both left me to watch the tv. Their son was still at the table studying. So i tried not to disturb him with my eating. Wwhen i was done i wasnt sure what to do with the plate.

“excuse me, what should i do”

“what are you saying, clean it”

Okay kinda rude. But sure. I did just that.

I went back to my room quicker than i thought was possible. I kinda just wanted to sleep. Today wasn't the best, but hey, it was a big one, an important one. It didnt have to be good by other people. You made it here. And that's all that mattered.

#jimin #bts angst #kim namjoon imagine #yoongi #kim namjoon #park jimin #jung hoseok #park jimin imagine #jungkook #V #seokjin jhope #jin #hoseok #btsxreader #ot7 #polybts #poly #jhope #rm #suga #taehyung #jk #be my bestfriend #please #please.... be my bestfriend

[flyingcookierambles]

so i finished reading the northern caves

hey its a book ramble! after uuhhhhhh.. a year. anyways the northern caves! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/3659997/chapters/8088522)

i binged it in a whole day. and i have feelings. i think?

so ppl hyped it as a lovecraft-ish/otherworldly horror story and i think i got a bit sucked into that and let down a bit because to me the horror story wasn’t the implied dark magic connections the author had with uh. the Mundum. it was the unreliable narration and betrayal of friends. spoilers below!

so, if you’ve read the northern caves, you know what the Mundum is. it was just kinda introduced as some mystical thing in the universe that the author believed in. whether or not it was real was kinda left open ended i think.

if you for some reason haven’t read the northern caves (which will just be either the caves or tnc for typing speed’s sake), it’s about a group of online friends in a 2004 internet forum dedicated to a children’s book series called Chesscourt by Leonard Selby. the author died before he could publish his final book, The Northern Caves. thankfully, one of the ppl in the forums, metamarsh, is actually distantly related to the author, and in the event of leonard selby’s death and then marsh’s aunt’s death (i think she was selby’s sister or something), marsh’s family got all the belongings of leonard selby. all his journals, notes, and unpublished works left behind. TNC was one of them. marsh (or his aunt or some other relative) scanned the pages and released it online ig sometime before the story. and so the events of Spelunk 04! starts, in which the friend group of this forum plans an irl meet up at marsh’s house so they can go over the author’s belongings and try to make sense of tnc. tnc is, to put simply, a mess. there’s lucid parts and non-lucid parts, by which i mean that there’s entire pages of nonsense and also it’s mentioned that there are 3 entire pages that are just the letter “a.” this can easily be dismissed as the writings of a senile old man, until the revelation of the Mundum (mentioned above) comes up. 

then things so super wrong. 

so, the entire story is a “report” by a man on the forums named Paul. his handle is GlassWave. he is a person who went to Spelunk 04! and is part of the reason why the meeting went so wrong. around the part where the journals abt the Mundum come up, he totally gets into it. the narration around this part gets uh. kinda creepy. it also definitely doesnt help that there were drugs involved - adderall.

so uh. basically. paul and another guy, Arron/Errent Knight, get the Mundum. they dont understand why their friends dont understand it. the solution according to paul? put adderall into the coffee and stay up for 60 hours straight reading tnc in a group circle.

yeahhhhh.

so i personally wasnt super scared abt the entire lovecraft-ish/other worldly implications of mundum being real or not. it was the paul’s state of mind when he spiked the coffee with drugs. it was the entire betrayal thing. 

i personally haven’t really had the entire internet friends experience bc im p shy irl and online. i dont usually go talk to strangers in chatrooms/discord or anything. also stranger danger lol.

but i hear a bunch of stories abt that kind of stuff, the early 2000′s internet experience before ppl had more awareness of internet stranger danger. also i’ve been watching and reading abt a lot of internet drama thru commentary channels i watch nowadays (therightopinion is p good), and uh the whole parasocial relationship thing (so ive seen it be described as) is on my mind a lot now. since we view ppl as relatable and feel like we know them. now, of course, there’s a difference in the personal experience one can have between a youtuber or internet celeb and a person on an interactive forum/social media platform. i would think that more interactive platforms like forums or discourd would feel more personal to some than a celebrity but still. 

the entire narration of paul’s during the spiking the coffee scene was so rational-seeming to him. and then the betrayal that his friends, the ones at Spelunk 04! and online felt hit me. like, i’ve never personally experienced that kind of betrayal since i dont have internet/stranger friends, but still i think it’s really relevant now. on the 26th chapter (2nd to last), the forum comments of JimWind and Sally’s Lil Sis hit especially hard. 

JimWind:

Wow. Wowwowow. I just finished reading the whole thing through the latest bit GW's posted. I had heard things about Spelunk 04 having something to do with restaurant workers dying, but I just figured that was a baseless rumor because it seemed so hard to understand how that could have happened. But what really shocks me here isn't even that, it's the fact that GlassWave dosed his/our friends with hard drugs. (Adderall is just prescription amphetamine, AKA speed! WTF!!!) "GlassHole" indeed! TBH it really makes me uncomfortable with GW and getting this whole story from him. Of course when I first read this

“maybe not even the other forum members, not even the best among them, not even Jim, say”

I was flattered, especially cause GW's always seemed like one of the sharpest and nicest posters around these parts (until now!!). But now it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want this guy to think I'm one of the "best" Cafe people. And I'm holding back judgment on all this Spelunk nonsense until I hear about it from someone WHO ISN'T GLASSWAVE. (Plus, this is stupid, but there's something that makes it even worse about the fact that the diner has my name :P) No matter how you slice it, it's a sad day for the Cafe. D:

Sally:

Yeah me too JimWind. I'm literally crying rn. First Spelunk went wrong, then we have to wait to hear about what happened, then we finally get the report but it's from this jerk! I'm really sad bc this forum has meant a lot to me over the last year (its been a really tough year for me) and now I'm worried that everyone here might be some sort of drug-pushing creep :( :( :(

before this, everyone felt connected in some way w/ chesscourt and safe. and paul/glasswave was a decent person in the community! he talked to other ppl. ppl trusted him enough to invite him to this thing and meet up irl. and then he just. spikes coffee with adderall.

idk, maybe its just me since i was too young to be on fandom spaces in 2004 and be on chatrooms and stuff, but i feel like when the internet first came out everyone felt safe on it to some degree and the internet and real life were seperate spaces. now, esp with social media like facebook, real life and the internet are super connected. 

the fact that paul caused harm to his friends by spiking their drinks without consent is horrible. but like i feel like to ppl from 2004 who might not have experienced this kind of closely tied internet/real life drama before and also might not have the same sense of internet stranger danger that ppl have today, the idea of a person from the internet harming you in real life could be terrifying. today, i think that horror stories of ppl meeting online and then things going wrong is so common and in the news that we don’t bat an eye to it. but i guess maybe to 2004 ppl, this is like the ultimate nightmare.

when i finished the book, i felt a bit let down by the ending and stuff. it felt a bit anti-climatic. but after thinking about this from (what i think is) a 2004 person’s perspective, this is p awful. and the whole unreliable narration thing was very good.

i thought of midsommar a bit when i was thinking abt the ending. like, sure a bunch of horrible gory stuff happened and ppl died. but the real horror sets in afterwards when you realize that the movie is abt a vulnerable lonely woman in a neglectful relationship being indoctrinated into a cult thru drugs, isolation, and love bombing, and it was kinda shown as a “good thing” bc the protag finally found a place she belonged. when really, she was being further trapped in life, this time in a cult.

idk, but i guess that’s my ramble on the northern caves.

tl;dr - i read an original story from AO3 that was kinda hyped up for a lovecraft-ish horror, but i ended up interpreting the horror aspect differently and didn’t really get the mundum/lovecraft-ish part i think?

#a book review i guess #gummytruck rambles #the northern caves

[tumblunni]

Wow i had such a weird dream?? The story itself wasnt too unusual, just an emotional moment of an anime that doesnt exist, but the way the dream delivered it was really confusing!

The plot of this apparant anime was that there was some sort of ragtag group of monster people wandering the earth looking for a place they could belong without being hated. And i got the feeling here that they'd just found a place where things were going good, but the show's recurring villains appeared and revealed their secret to the town and now they had to flee again as everyone they thought was a friend took up pitchforks against them.

And the main focus character was really interesting? I dont think he was actually the protagonist but he got the focal role in this episode. Cos the monsters had to disguise themselves as humans to live in this town, and this was the youngest monster who didnt know how to do that yet. He had a really emotional struggle of pushing himself so hard to try and master this skill, because he was actually unique amoung the group for being a monster that was actually once human. So it was a combination of frustration at being a burden to his new friends, with desperation to finally see his own face in the mirror again.

And I feel like maybe before he became a monster he was bigoted against them and scared of them? Within the dream i recalled watching that other episode some other day, and apparantly it was super emotional. It started off just seeming like another 'we find the town of the day along our journey and meet some friends and/or solve a conflict' type thing. And this kid was mostly antagonistic through the episode, a dumb naive kid who believed everything negative about monsters and now struggled with the situation of being the only one who knew the truth that these guys are monsters but also now theyre doubting whether they should reveal it because these people seem so..normal?? And scared?? Starts to doubt whether all the other monsters executed by the corrupt church in their town were fully sentient too, and every time the 'nice' priest was teaching them how to spot liars he was really teaching them how to kill innocent monster people who were just as scared as the humans are of them. But the roots of gaslighting and abuse from this priest ran deep, so the kid struggled with the choice and ultimately made the wrong decision. Also i think maybe theres a reveal that the priest was actually their biological dad too, just for even more levels of why theyd make that wrong decision. And more reasons why its horrifying that the priest dad just treats his kid like shit once they outlived their usefulness. Im thinking something like the kid tries to make up for their mistake and save the protagonists but they get captured by their dad and like.. Ok holy fuck this dude is outright willing to murder his son and he's eminantly aware that these monster people are 100% sentiebt because he's using the threat of killing his son as a way to get them to lay down their weapons and agree to be recaptured. And then i think there was something super messed up when it was revealed all the monster attacks that happened to the town to get them so scared and paranoid were actually orchestrated by the priest as a form of control over his citizens. He had some sort of Ominous Doom Science to both turn people into monsters and control them to do his bidding. And like the predictable asshole he is, even after the protagonists gave up in order to save the kid he still killed him anyway. And after snapping his neck he threw him down into the prison cell with the protagonists and was like 'lets torment them by making them fight the kid they wanted to save'. Because it turned out he'd been doping the kid with a special dose of the monster formula ever since birth, and he was his 'secret weapon' all along without knowing it. Ultra super mega concentrated doom form of the artifical monsters he uses in his army, activated upon the moment of the kid's death. But then it turns out the ultimate experiment was too much for him to control and the kid was able to keep their mind in their new form, and turn against him to save their new friends. But when they realized what had happened to them, they broke down in fear. And everything was super depressing cos the protagonists knew this poor kid was now doomed to share their fate as monsters, and theyd have to take them away fron everythung theyd ever known in order to keep them safe. But also heartwarming at the same time because the kid had never known a truly loving family before, and as they passed out in the arms of main protagonist mom friend werewolf they felt like maybe this is what having a real family is like...

So anyway that led to a bit of an angsty team dynamic with this new recruit? The kid was obviously all new to monsterness and terrified of everything. But also even now they were struggling with that 'what if my abusive dad is right' instinct drilled into them from all those years. They still struggled with really believing that monsters arent evil, and like 'no i must have only disobeyed him because i was infected and i didnt know it, monsters are evil and i became one because i'm evil too'. Unwilling to believe that their dad did that to them and trying to find excuses where it would be their own fault. Maybe the kid was even tricked by another villain at some point who lied about having a cure? Like even whenthey became more able to trust their new monster friends they were still like 'theyd be happier if they became normal right?' Lots of angst and messing up and this poor kid feeling not only weak and useless to the team but also outright toxic to them.

So all of this led to this situation where disguising yourself as a human is a skill all the other team members already mastered and this kid is struggling real hard to accomplish it in order to save the day. Ans its extra depressing cos they havent seen their original human face in months, and theyre trying to cling onto the memories but scared they migjt forget what it was like to be human. And then i cant really recall all the details but i feel like the writing and cinematography were just super amazing emotional on this scene of the kid struggling to Do The Thing in time to save their friends, and like.. Atone for all their mistakes.

Also i think like the kid had this big super kaiju ultimate chimera form which was what their dad designed them to be, but also most of the time they were poofed into a tiny mascot sized version of that. And theycd never actually managed to control their powers enough to turn into their battle form willingly until now. Just this super depressing and also uplifting scene of this fuckin tiny monster kid being pinned to the ground underneath the villain's heel, trying desperately to turn human again to save their friends. And i think it was an awesome moment where they did manage to regain their old face for just a few seconds, but instead of actually learning to master the human transformation they learned to master their battle form instead. Like, accepting that that old face isnt who they are anymore, and it wont help like they thought it would. What they really need now is their REAL face! Some sort of dramatic badass speech about this that cuts the villain's philosophy right in half, and then a badass scene of tiny kid finally being able to control (and not be scared of!) their beast form, and fight the whole damn army singlehandedly to save their friends!

Also i think there was an extra emotional moment somewhere along the way where one of yhe villain generals was like 'no, stop, i want to see if they can do this', and actually started motivating the kid. Like i think they were a brainwashed soldier of the old priest bastatd who was sent to kill these monsters supposedly to avenge the priest's dead kid but they were actually starting to have doubts when this terrifying monster that 'killed them' seemed to act so much like a child. So this was the big moment of them finall believing the kid, and getting to see proof it really was them and the priest really was a manipulative evil bastard all along. So i think they switched sides and joined super powered up kiddo in fighting their fellow knights, giving them the keys to go free their friends. And possibly this knight person also joined the team after this and was the first proper human ally theyd ever had? And probably had loads of emotional plots of atoning

ANYWAY that was the cool really engaging story of my dream that i wish i could watch a real anime about!

But the weird part was that this was all delivered really fragmented cos of how little sleep ive had lately. I was seeing it in the form of (for some reason) laying down on the stairs at my abusive father's old house, listening to it playing on the tiny tv he had in his room. And you may have noticed i kept mixing up the kid's pronouns, thats because everyone in the dream was represented visually by a character from some other franchise and it was REALLY confusing! The kid was like an amalgamation of all the dudes from Wolf's Rain which i guess is where the concept of wandering monsters in human illusion came from. (Tho they werent all reverse werewolves like in that show) It was weird cos i knew this character was meant to be a child but they looked like five ripped teenagers smooshed together? Cos i havent seen that show in ages and couldnt even remember the protagonist's name. (Was someone called Hide or is that a guy from tokyo ghoul? I think they had the outfit of the tokyo ghoul guy.) And then predictably the evil priest dad was cornello from full metal alchemist mixed with my old doctor who had the same name. But less predictably the redeemed villain holy paladin knight guy was replica riku from kingdom hearts?? Ans specifically his medal from the app game, like he came with a floating medal attatched to his waist like a mermaid who was also a coffee table.

Also it just ended with a floating box of hair dye that turned to face the camera and it was actually coffee in a hair dye package. Like an exact replica of the blonding bleach i usually use, right down to every detail, but all the text was replaced with coffee info. I..i dont know what that has to do with anything else that just happened...

Oh also i think maybe one of the other teammates was a big cuddly 50-something circus ringleader type guy? He was the friendly comic relief but actually deep downn the most tormented of all of them. He'd been imprisoned as a circus attraction for most of his entire life and dressing up like a ringleader now he was free was kinda a way of coping? But yeh i think he bonded well with the kid cos they both didnt have much experience with being free and everything seemed new and scary. This guy also didnt have much experience of monster society either cos he'd been enslaved since he was a child. Man this anime sounds so fuckin intense and dark and emotional but also full of powerful friendship!! Why cant i watch any more episodes!! give me a sequel dream!!

#weird dream tag

[bishiglomper]

Who wants to learn about my family drama? Too bad I'm gonna post about it anyway.

So mom got pregnant at 16. Married the guy. He went into the military. I came along 8 years after my sister. It was all fine and good I guess until he came home from a deployment when i was... 12 maybe.

I bring this up because i took a 3 hour roadtrip alone with dad's wife. She spilled all sorts of beans..

So anyway. That was at least his 2nd or 3rd deployment and i guess he sent mom 70k. When he came home, there was no money. No one ever figured out where it went. Figured mom spent it. We have no idea on what. Looking back I can't think of anything she could have spent it on. I dont remember her leaving for secret trips or anything. No new items. No strangers coming around. Its a mystery.

So shit didnt really start take a turn for the worse until we moved to Ohio when I was around 14. Dad had another deployment, but this time he acquired PTSD. I never questioned why, i just figured war was obviously bound to leave you fucked up.

Dad's wife told me differently. I had to twist her arm just to give me vague cryptic keywords. Like "murder" "people who ought not be murdered" and "practically coerced him into being involved" 😳

My poor daddy. No wonder he ended up locked in his room with a swat team surrounding the house.. Until mom donkey-kicked the door in to get to him and take his gun. He witnessed some fucked up shit, even though I'm not quite sure what.

But the real juicy bit is something i didnt even know about until my late 20s. Sissy told me while we were in Ohio, my parents were involved in swinging. Knew no details other than thats where a couple of their friends came from.

The new light she'd on this topic though, was it was mom's idea. I always figured it was dad. But apparently he only did it for mom.

(His now-wife is named Stacy. I love her but i just cant call her stepmom.)

Sje said she researched the topic, and typically swingers are middle-aged couoles who married too young. (So, typical case)

Anyway. I guess mom gradually started breaking rules. Like getting permission from dad first. And she snuck around during his next deployment..

During this time, we jad a daughter of familt friends staying with us. I was only 14 but i knew this woman was trouble. She was the type who could and would totally kick your ass if you pissed her off. Questionable choices. Wild child. All that shit. But she was good to us, so.

Anyway. My niece has brought back stories from her bio-dad's side of the family. One of which being that one time whilst mom and our guest were at a bar, mom tried to get into (bio-dad's family member's pants)

I always thought wow, never knew mom couod/would do that; crazy..

But Stacy filled in some swinger drama from that time and it all fits.

(Took a break from posting to actually discuss and compare notes with my sister)

The only discrepancy is sister is adamant that this WAS dad's idea to swing.

So anyway.

The next bit of drama was my sister having the niece. We all went to Iowa because we spent summers with the aunt and everyone.

At this point we were already planning on the move to Iowa that winter.

So dad, being fed up with my 23yr old sister who was a slob, refused to get a job and support her child.. He's just like "so you can either stay here and I'll send your shit or you can come back for your shit and gtfo"

He sent her stuff. But because she had a child that half belonged to someone else and essentially moved several states away, he sued. Thankfully dad helped with the lawyer and while not perfect, my sister got the best possible deal for the situation.

But all through this, dad absolutely loved his granddaughter. And it was an asshole move, but dad only agreed to support my sister and let her stay with us if he got to name her daughter. He picked Dominatrice. (Doh-min-ah-treece) Because you can get Trixie out of it. We were all like Wtf but ok.

So the last biggest drama was the events that led to dad ghosting my niece.

So one thing that happened was dad wanted to take little niecey out to lunch. She was 5ish. Sister couldnt get work off though, but hes all "its fine, I'll just pick her up and drop her back off"

But sissy was able to leave and met them. But as soon as she did he's like "you know what, im actually gonna go ahead and take off"

Which created a slurry of suspicious thought like "wtf is going on, did i foil plans to whisk my daughter back with them?"

When sissy told me this, I figured it was either just a weird mix of coincidence that set off alarm bells or weird timing. Or both. I'm 100% confident dad didnt plan anything. What was he going to do with her? Its not like he'd be able to kidnap her and go off grid never to be found again. Also was he going to just raise her? None of that makes sense.

Anyway. The big blowout didnt happen until dad was on his way back to virginia and the niece was due to be picked up from ohio. He offered to pick her up along the way and we were supposed to go up after them and spend vacatipn with them.

Sister told him no, he couldn't do that. He asked why. She tried to avoid answering him, but eventually told him that it was in the court order that he not be left alone with the child. Probably because he CAUSED the whole custody fiasco.

But this was the first he'd heard of it. So he was understandably upset. And then he tried hounding her for answers, for proof. Send him the document stating this. It escalated until he would jusy be yelling and svreaming over the phone and make sissy cry until mom had to shut down the phone calls.

I asked my sister why she didn't just show him the proof. Like, thats all he wanted.

She said it was not her job to prove it to him. It was public record, he could do it him damn self.

Stacy told me he tried, but couldn't get it because niece was a minor.

When I told Sissy this, she gave me the SNOTTIEST facial expression which i think meant "well, shit." Mixed with a mocking sort of "he's still a whiny-piss-baby"

So yeah. We're only visiting because after like 9 years dad reached out after forcibly pushing all this anger and feels down in effort to reconcile. Sissy is attempting to but at the same time feels he's too toxic to bother with and doesnt want him near her kids.

All because after this went down, he then ghosted the niece. He used to call her and send her gifts all the time. Her little heart was absolutely broken when he started ignoring her. Stacy told hom not to do that, so the general consensus was that it was indeed a dick move.

His reasoning though was "my daughter thinks i want to kidnap my grandchild, how can i reach out and have a relationship with her without incriminating myself?"

So yeah. Stacy and I are very alike in the fact that we both are able to see both sides of an argument. I'm glad i got to see the other side because apparently dad told her (about the dicorce and everything) "they'll figure out what happened and realize its not all my fault"

Like, uh. No? How were we supposed to reach that conclusion? And i dont know about my sister, but i was a self-absorbed naive teenager, I wasnt aware of jack shit. 😂

And that is the story of the day. :D

In other news, I wrote this while dad finally got his gallbladder surgery and we worried he'd either bleed out or have a heart complication and die. Aaaand he was out in like an hour and a half. So far he's good. Now we can visit the aquarium without stewing in anxiety. Hooray!

#long post #family drama #sordy i cant put it under a cut #i feel slightly better now #still not sure where my sister stands... #i hope tensions dissipate #i want to come visit again dammit i fucking love visiting them

[anathemanonymous]

Spilling it in the first person: truths I need to accept

Well, it's not going well. I feel like I am not moving forward,but backward. I held myself back by trying to do the right thing.

I gave you the whole house in trade for my freedom. There was no end date on the agreement. It simply stated you would get the property and all the responsibility of the associated bills. It also stated you would agree to hold me harmless.

Well, that didnt happen.

I'm still stuck 4 years after leaving. The attorney told me not to pay off the foreclosure but I did. Twice. I stopped the process of filing contempt in August. She was livid. She offered me the option to have you removed from the house and I could keep it. Well, I had just signed the apt lease. A one year contract. How was I supposed to afford two house payments? I didn't want that responsibility. I left the house to prove I wasnt married to this man for the money. He refused to leave. So I did.

Both our names remain on the title. Bank cant take me off. You refuse to sell. You cannot afford to refinance.

What are you trying to do here?

As I am being held in place by obligation you insist upon complaining about how it is my fault that you are suffering. How you are refusing to cooperate. Refuse to work or pay bills. Refuse to accept that I left. Refuse to reach out or grow in healthy ways. Refuse to stop drinking or doing drugs. Refuse to try to improve our shitty relationship. Refuse to reach out to your own child. Refuse to sell the house. Refuse to clean it. Trick me into calling off the attorney at the last foreclosure: you say you will pay me back the $5500 and we can fix up the house. I tell you how uneasy I feel about this deal. You tell me to trust you.

I clean and clean on my days off work and you sit and ridicule and drink. You tell me it's no rush. You literally have no money to fix it up. I have gone round and around with Fred at the agency to get him to agree to put the house on the market and how we need to sell to a qualified buyer. How to ensure no consequences from this home being doomed. How to do the right thing. How to honor the promises to the agency and to the bank. Its ridiculous how often I've triaged with your mother. How many phone calls and notes kept on the research of creating a plan to salvage the property and you.

And you. I have given you money. I have paid your debts. I have taken you to the doctor. I set you up for evaluation of ADHD. You cry about your health. You cant get off the couch. You cry about being broke, depressed with no reason to live. When I speak to you, you continue to put me down, to accuse me of never caring. You accuse me of malicious crimes against you for the past 16 years. You claim I just used you. My entire life was built around supporting you. You accuse me of going against you deliberately. You blame for your behaviors of rude comments and refusals to cooperate or participate in anything related to parenting or household chores or budgeting or my feelings. I was threatened by your recklessness. I was doomed to being overly responsible but got nothing but contempt in return.

There wasn't peace. There wasnt love. No support. Constant arguments and blow ups. Constant strife. Constant pain. Carrying your weight twice my size. Trying to rape me. Trying to negate me. Trying to minimize me. Criticizing every fucking thing I did or said or believed. Faking it in front of your friends and parents. Giving nothing but expecting me to provide for your every need on a whim. Needing help with your business books, spending hours only to be discredited and rejected. You put your shit first. You blocked my path with your messiness. You left it all up to me but gave me no credit, no control and no power. Then accuse me of doing the same to you. You ridiculed my hobbies, my goals, my dreams. You chose your friends over me. You drank to the point of black out every day. You stopped working. Your buisness partner abandoned you even after he stole from the business account, you kept him around. You kept giving him your share of our household bills instead of pay our bills. So I paid. You stole my tax returns for years. You were rude and inconsiderate toward how any of your shitty choices affected me and our family. You have withheld love and given only pain. You ignored my feelings and needs. And now you complain and claim to suffer worse than me?

What about me??

To top it off: after moving out and returning on a regular basis to check in with you even as you deliberately were harming me financially and emotionally...I get hate when I remove the loaded guns in the house bc you're suicidal from all the drugs and no sleep and not eating and not working and I worry and I feel sorry and I want to keep things normal so I see the mess and try not to do the cleaning, the yardwork.

I play with the dogs and feed them and you always leave when I arrive ...or start an argument until you chase me away.

After 4 years of being ridiculed and blamed....instead of being heard and validated.

I have to actually accept that you are openly and intentionally holding me hostage financially and emotionally. You admit it on text. Your mother claims you were just drinking and you didnt mean it. What will it take to justify my actions?

Its been 4 years of waiting on pins and needles. Of not breathing. Or being stuck. Not to mention the 7 years before I left the house. Trying to fix things.

Looking back, I've never received emotional support from you. Other than to stay away from my family.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that you didn't improve yourself when I left. You got worse. You stopped trying long before I left. And I hoped you would recognize how awful you'd become. I was risking a chance that you would change into a responsible adult. Learn to care for me in real ways. Appreciate me, quite frankly. I was looking for appreciation. Recognition. Acceptance. Acknowledgement. The elements of love.

I left because there was no love.

It was the right thing to do.

Unhealthy relationships are meant to fall apart.

Blame me or blame you. It doesn't matter. It takes two to have a relationship. It becomes one sided.

Wait. It was always one sided. I wanted to believe it was a mutual relationship. I dreamed it. I created the illusion of it. But it could not be felt. Bc it was a mirage. It only looked like something real. It felt empty. Like a shell. Like a home without a foundation. Ready to fall apart like a Hollywood studio prop.

I was lying to myself the whole time.

The only way out now is to tell the truth. To let shit fall apart by not adding to it. To stop putting in.

But it feels wrong to let my house go into foreclosure. It feels wrong to file with a lawyer. It feels so wrong to do nothing to help, on purpose. Yet it is the right way. Right? This world is absolutely ridiculous. Just fucking back breaking and disheartening. People are so viscous. Banks and lawyers. Without hearts. Empty motherfucking shells of humans.

I knew the truth but didn't want to face it. Denial is so powerful. It can change the way you see things. Or exclude what you do not want to see. Or feel.

I wanted to believe love could make my dream come true, become real. Make me real.

All the proof was in your actions. Fighting me every step of the way. Calling me crazy. You're right. It is crazy to live that way. I agree.

So if it's TRUE : then I have to accept the reality that you don't care about me. Either you cant, or you are just unwilling. You say you love me. But what does love mean? It seems you only care that I care for you. How much I can give and prove that I care. Prove by sacrificing my needs, time, money, energy.

Every fiber of my being is going against the fact that the only way out of this situation is divorce and foreclosure of my home. Abandoning you. Why does it feel unethical and immoral? Huge conflict within.

I tried to help you and to salvage my credit, I have spent over $15,000 to bail it out . ..because I'd already put so much into it that I want to keep on the same path. I dont want a different anonymous path. I want to stay where its familiar. But then again, why? I've never been happy on this path. From experience, moving on does not guarantee happiness either.

I'm standing my ground. I'm honoring my values of integrity and refusing to tolerate abuse and nonsense.

But yes it's hard to move on bc I am ever-wanting to keep convincing myself and the world ...proof of how mature and dedicated I am, of my own goodness, my own kindness, my own value.

If my value rests on a successful career in marriage then I have discredited myself. I have failed to be a quality product. Yikes.

..because I hid behind it, and I'd do anything to keep up the facade. I am afraid to be seen as alone, maybe. I am afraid to stand up against the abuse bc it means I have failed. That I am faulty. Not worthy. Maybe I asked for it. Or deserve it.

Shame is a terrible feeling.

By the virtue of which I choose to honor, I thereby become less valuable. I protected your reputation. I kept silent. I protected my own reputation as well. Now I am throwing it out the window. Breaking a promise to myself to never do that again. Yes, I have experienced this all before. Many times. Throughout my lifetime. I had to destroy my own identity.

Because I could pretend I belonged. I could pretend I had a healthy relationship and family. But the sacrifice was too much. And I was so off-balance. I was shut off. Closed down. Depressed. Sick.

You refused to lie for me. So I left. We dont have to keep pretending to play house. Maybe that disappointed me. You want to play cops and robbers. I refused. Lol. Whatever.

And maybe the ultimate cage I try to break free from is being forced to stay small, a repeating pattern from throughout my entire childhood. It is the shame I carry. The unworthy nature of my wounded inner child.

When confronted with opening up I remain skeptical and scared. I beat myself up. I feel rejected, disillusioned, hurt, betrayed, and I am ashamed of showing that I am being harmed. I am am afraid to speak up. When I do, I get shut down by you, your family, my attorney, the court, society.

This triple whammy has knocked me off my feet every time I try to stand up. I feel insulted by the slights of neighbors, the sounds of the outside world. I speak up against emotional manipulation and I feel the feather of rejection like a sledgehammer.

... I am accused of being crazy. I post on social media. I get very little support. The message I'm receiving is: your perception is inaccurate, we all have a human right to happiness and respect but you should be ashamed of exposing yourself like that. It makes you look vulnerable, it tarnishes our code of taboo subjects, think about your reputation, bc we as a society are not comfortable with displays of vulnerability. Call a hotline or something.

You know what? I dont need a fucking hotline. My counselor didnt even recognize me during our last phone session. Fuck this system. I'm on my own. And if I have to become more viscous and bitter to fit in, I prefer to stand alone.

[swampgallows]

the tv is always on in my household. because of this, if i enter the kitchen or cross the den to go in the backyard, i see glimpses of what’s on tv. my dad or mom is usually watching. but i never sit and watch anything with them, particularly because they pause and talk throughout the whole thing and keep the captioning on because they don’t hear well. which is fine, but i’m not much of a “watcher” anyway. 

there is a scene i remember watching. just the one scene, just the few frames. i don’t remember how old i was. i could have been twelve, i could have been eighteen. it could have been here or at my childhood home. i don’t remember. but the film (or at least this part of it) was about a young girl who could see different moments in time. either past, or future, i couldn’t tell. and she was certain their house would burn down. her father assured her it wouldn’t happen. she looked over at her shelf of stuffed animals and saw the flames licking up behind them, her stuffed bunny’s ears wilting as it folded in on itself and burned, molten plastic dripping down from its eyes. she looked back at her dad, and then at her intact shelf.

i am feeling that way with my relationships, no matter how superficial. a friend sends me a song and i immediately feel a sense of nostalgic bitterness, feeling like one day I will stumble across it or listen to it again and will be able to do nothing but regret the time i spent with them and mourn our relationship. i see our friendships ending before they’ve even begun and wonder what i’m doing wasting their time. i will say the wrong thing and they will come to hate me, and all the things they kept under wraps or bit their tongue about while we were on good terms will come spilling out, and then i’ll get to hear their true thoughts. things that they wished, desperately, that they could make fun of me to my face about. 

four years ago i got an Anonymous ask (on my previous url) back when i was hit by the car. it said something along the lines of how i’m too ugly for my rave family, or that it’s a good thing i wasnt able to hang out with them (since i was in recovery) because i made them look ugly. there was a tidbit floating around tumblr that if you blocked the anonymous message it would reveal their IP with a certain addon/extension, but it ended up not working and just deleting the message. statcounter revealed it was someone in socal, which made me even more upset. because it meant somebody who knew me and might have even been friends with me secretly thought i was ugly and was bringing down the look of my friend group as a whole by daring to show my ugly face.

and now that the jnco kids photoshoot is floating around again with its 10k+ notes all i think about is how i didnt go to the photoshoot because i was sick, but also because i was broken out and disgusting and i felt hideous. and it’s clear from the other photos that i dont belong, i dont gel with the style at all, i dont know how to pose or what to do with my hands, and i just hate having my picture taken, and i knew i should stay out of the pictures because nobody was going to want to buy a product that i was wearing. im not a model, which isn’t necessarily any ...fault or detriment or defect or something on my part, i mean, not everybody’s a model... but all of my friends are stylish and fashionable and generally good looking. and i’m not. but i mean, i dont make the effort. because i dont really care about that thing. because if i care about it too much, all i do is see the flaws i cant fix, like the size of my nose and my protruding cheeks and my hard chin that everybody tells me is “too sharp” for me to hug them. 

and i know it’s not healthy to think about these things or to sabotage myself into thinking that there’s no point in trying to be healthy or cute just because i have a nose like a stalactite and skin like no-man’s land. but it doesn’t change the fact that i do, and i worry all the time about bringing down the people around me by just being an entity. the best thing about raves is that i can hide in a corner and dance without caring about people looking at me (because nobody is), i dont get hit on, people just leave me alone, and it’s just me and the music and that’s all i care about. i dont have to worry about looking professional or stylish or cute, i can just wear what i want and what i’m comfortable in and all of my fun kandi and just do what i want. 

i couldn’t pull off the outfit that [redacted] is wearing in the photoshoot. she’s fucking 5′2″ or some shit and under a hundred pounds. her ears are the size of a silver dollar and her nose is like a gumdrop. her thighs have the same amount of fat she did coming out of the fucking womb. i’m built like a lethargic vrykul, or maybe a rubenesque woman with a foot in the grave. my body looks like somebody put all the sliders in the middle. it’s a disaster. and my posture is so fucking insanely bad that im pretty sure my gait is fucked up permanently. 

i dont put effort into it because i dont want people to look at me. i dont want people to be physically attracted to me. i dont want people to hit on me. i dont want to be singled out. but i also dont want to loom in the back of my friend group like their fucking personal lurch addams and make them feel like they brought some kind of charity case along. that’s how i felt at burning man and i cried about it for almost a full day. nate told me “You’re one of my best friends” and i said “but I dont understand why.”

ive been such a fucking wreck all week. i cant seem to fix my sleeping schedule to something more preferable or make an effort to do fucking anything. i tried to get at those prompts today and i jsut felt drained of creativity and completely dead. and as my departure date approaches i realize i spent these months fuckking around and i have no idea what im going to wear while im in holland and im just going to be the fucking “not as stylish” ugly outcast a-fucking-gain with my three cute baby-faced friends and then me looking like a half-shucked cornstalk. i wanted my tattoo by thunderdome and i didnt do it; i have to treat my roots again before we go, and i have no fucking idea what im going to wear for ten fucking days. and not only that but a bunch of my clothes don’t fit anymore or are way too tight on me. i gained a little bit of weight but it’s mostly that the shape of my hips changed since college (obviously a 19 year old and a 27 year old are not built the same way. i just didnt think my change would be so drastic as to fuck me out of half my clothing.)

it’s not that i dont want to go. i just feel like somebody better should go instead. somebody better should have been here all along. i dont know why i bother taking up their space.

#blathering

[frigfridge]

constant regrets of my childhood:

~7 years old, grandpa got me a hardcover copy of the book “rinkitink in oz” for my birthday. was during a phase where i was very concerned with seeming grown-up and dismissed it as a book for babies (which of course it isnt). my interest in books waned and i ended up never reading any of the oz series, mostly out of embarrassment at my 7yr old selfs reaction. still worried i hurt grandpas feelings for disliking his gift. (even worse: i dont remember if this is the grandpa who passed away recently)

~9 years old, on a trip to arizona with my family. we were going to get dinner at “organ stop pizza,” which is an amazing restaurant chiefly for the fact that its basically built like a theatre with a huge pipe organ at the end of a wide dining room. so, every night, thered be an organist there who would give a breathtaking live performance while you ate your pizza and ice cream. heres the bad part: we almost didnt go, because of me. see, i didnt know how incredible it was going to be, and at 9 years old i didnt like eating anywhere unfamiliar. so, on the way there, i saw a restaurant i knew better, and begged my parents to go there instead. i basically threw a tantrum in the car. im still ashamed i didnt know any better.

~11 years old, being visited by a previous neighbor. the house right next to ours belongs to a local automotive plant, which is owned by a japanese car company. so, our next-door neighbors have always been an employee of the car company, presumably assigned to manage our local plant, and his family, all transferred from japan. when our family moved into our house, the residents of the car company house were a woman named Sumiko and her husband (who i dont think i ever met.) she was really nice and welcoming towards us while we were new in town, and our family was friends with her until she and her husband moved back to japan, to be replaced by another work transfer family. a few years had passed since then, and she was back in town for a day (i dont remember why) but she paid us a visit and brought myself and my sisters some gifts from japan. i was sick in bed at the time, though, so my memory of receiving them is very hazy. i know now that i got a headband that says “pass exam” on it in japanese, meant to bring good luck during finals, and a pack of ultraman fruit snacks. the second one is the important one. the packaging was in japanese, so i wasnt sure if it was meant to be food or a toy, and i didnt remember anything she had told me about it. so... i put it on the shelf in my room until i could figure it out... and forgot about it for years. so theres a pack of japanese ultraman fruit snacks in my house thats almost 10 years old. i feel stupid when i think about it, but i keep it around because the packaging looks pretty (and for sentimental reasons). so now, basically, its probably impossible to eat, but its also hard to throw away. it just sits there next to the headband and makes me feel dumb. oops!

#death mention /- #long post /- #personal /-

[sarcasticlykaeon-blog]

Caught Between Worlds

Stuck. Thats how it felt, every hour of every day, for as long as I could remember. Like i was some sort of freak, on the outside looking in. I can remember when i was small, barely old enough to really walk and talk, two and a half, three...and i hated dresses. I hated pink. I hated lace and frills. If i could choose or make my will known it was pants. Tshirts and sweatshirts. Childrens overalls. I hated games in preschool. The girls always wanted to play house, with husbands and babies in some sort of elaborate roleplay. The boys wouldnt let me play with them. "No girls," theyd say. "You wont know how," or "girls arent any good at this. Go play with dolls." somehow...just because i didnt have the same lower regions i wasnt good enough. So i played alone, with blocks or toys, making up elaborate adventures or stories in the process. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother...they all wanted me to be a girl. They tried to take me underwing in baking, playing with makeup, dressup, dolls...they tried to teach me about playing with hair. Me? I just wanted to test out the new computer, watch ninja turtles, and kick butt like she-ra. My one concession to female marketed programs was Jem...but honestly? I loved the story and drama, not the glamour, glitter, fashion, or fame. I was the oldest...five years between me and my brother meant i was dads son substitute until i was almost 11. I learned things like changing the oil in a car, ms-dos programming and how to kick ass in Doom, how to tackle and fight back if grabbed by a bigger opponent. Of course...the instant my middle brother was old enough to do son things....fwip! I was ignored. About the only thing i could get the old man to do was D&D. My grandfather insisted it was a phase i would grow out of, that id become a seeker of a strong man and an actual woman eventually. My mother tried to force me to conform to gender standards. My aunt was disappointed. My father only started caring about gender normativity when i hit puberty. I never told them things like "i want to grow up to be a boy" because even at three, i knew it didnt work that way, on some instinctual level. But i dod wail and growl about the unfairness. Why is x okay for boys but not girls? Why are girls expected to be like this but boys arent? And the answer...oh the answer just upset me and angered me. "Because youre expected to be a young lady." By puberty, the words "young lady" were guarenteed to trigger a huge emotional fit of rage...but i couldnt explain why. Just like the fact that i had to fight for my place amidst whatever boys lived in the neighborhood. I had to work twice as hard to prove i was worthy of being allowed to hang out...and still they sought to ditch me at every opportunity. School was even worse. I was overly tall, strong, and hyper intelligent. I was part of the "Gifted Program" (which in most school systems is naught but busy work or a careful way to set up classes in high school to fix the averages of a class.) I was, in every concievable way the outcast. And then puberty found me. Early. The first time i bled in sixth grade, i cried myself to sleep, hiding blood ruined underwear in the back of my closet until i could throw it away. I didnt tell my mother until i was sixteen--hiding this horrid, agonizingly painful thing that happened to me once a month. When i grew breasts i hated them. I hated bras. And of course, i have breasts that grew huge. I survive with super tight sports bras and tshirts because nothing else fits my fucked up frame: ive got broad shoulders, long legs, and huge feet (size 12 womens, which is impossible to find), and im like 5'8". Id be taller but my arms and torso are short, and ive got wide hips and huge breasts and butt. I hated my body and i still do. I feel like i was a crapshoot built out of the mismatched leftovers of several people. And the shit my parents tried to enforce for gender conformity to this "new identity of a young lady." first was acne management. I wasnt a pizza face, but i did and still do have a bit of an issue with blackheads (Glasses have that effect.) But my parents tried to force me to pop my zits...and when i refused because it hurt, they basically held me down and popped them for me. Then was "shaving my legs". Okay. Underarms i get because pits stink. I shave those because it feels less stanky when i do. But their issue? My legs. I refused to do it. "Boys dont, why do i? Thats not fair!" i fought. Hard. But...like the zits...theyd hold me down and buzz my legs for me from knee to foot while i thrashed and begged...all to force on me a title i never wanted, a mold i didnt fit. And i didnt understand WHY. Why was my behavior, my life and interests and hobbies and clothing all supposed to be dictated by something so unimportant? And then...when i was sixteen, i met a person i hit it off with. A sweet and funny youth my age with hair as long as mine and a goofy smile on his face. In a few months we were dating long distance and i suspect my family sighed in relief that i wasnt a lesbian. Our fathers got to be friends(which was useful, since 200miles between us put a crimp in relations.) But this had another side effect. You see, that next year i learned something id never heard before. Something id never considered until that day in 2002. His father...felt he was a woman trapped in a mans body. I was floored. This could happen? What? So i researched what i could to understand (there wasnt much, back then.) And...i began to wonder....because all I could find was for males becoming females. Even joked with my boyfriend that the universe "got us backwards" (he agreed, seeing as how he was girlier than me) And then it all crashed to a halt one night at dinner. His father, him, me, another mtf person and two other adults were at a restaurant, and the kne guy at the table with no knowledge on trans folks was asking questions. I listened, enraptured as the emotions and disconnects id always felt were described from the other side. Emboldened, 17, and perhaps seeking some form of connection or...validation for my feelings, i piped up, expressing how i felt the universe had gotten me backwards. That was the worst thing to say, as his father unloaded on me verbally for being mocking and insensitive and jumping on a bandwagon i had no business on. Treated me like i was being scum--damn near drove me to tears and made me feel small and useless. And i thought "if this is what trans ppl are like...i dont want to be like them ever." it crushed my desire to understand my gender identity and sexuality for years. It didnt help that as time went by ot seemed every trans person i encountered was one of two things: a dramawhore with the emotional stability of a 14year old girl, or someone like my bf's father who decided that i couldnt belong to his elitest club in a fashion that echoed years of "no girls allowed" from boys everywhere. The internets vast collection of professionally offended "keyboard warriors" who spew bigotry and hate and small minded idiocy while calling it "truth" or "just what X group deserves" is a steaming cesspit of shit I dont want to be part of on any level, and unfortunately many of them claim to be whatever "alternate" gender identity or sexuality is the fad this month. Its not winning me over at all, and made me shy further away from actual people i might be able to relate to...maybe who can help me. I finally did own up to something when i was 23--I was more sexually attracted to women than men. In fact...beyond a few emotion driven crushes as a teen, the only male i have ever found attractive was that same goofy, funny, smiling boy with the long hair...except these days hes my supportive, goofy, smiling mate with the softest heart of gold ive ever known inside a powerful and intimidatingly sized viking-esque exterior. But again...because on the outside, our relationship seems very "normal" im not welcomed much by the vocal minority and so im super wary of all parts of the lgbt crowd. I dont advertise or tell my relatives--my parents and their respective siblings are between 50 and 70 years old. They barely believe this stuff exists. I still dont want to be a girl. I dont want the societal expectations of it. I hate having breasts that risk knocking my teeth loose if i move too fast. And dont get me started on the fucking shit show that is my sex life. Its a complicated shit show that starts with the disconnect of parts and ends with kinks i can never actually engage in because, guess what? Im a GIRL. But at the same time, i stare at the only transmen examples and stories i can find, which seem to be rare and hidden somewhere, at places like fb and tumblr and twitter...at pride rallies and news stories...at stuff recounted by friends...and i dont want to be associated with people whose actions turn them into examples of literal human garbage. And so here i sit, caught between two worlds, never part of either one and feeling like im slowly drowning. It seems like one doesnt want me and the other i dont want... Im so tired of being stuck.

#Gender dysphoria #gender identity #emotional stress #confusion #feeling like a freak

[nicotineandtears-blog]

The Prologue.

It's been 2 nights since my whole world came to an burning end. I had lost all 14 of my friends within the matter of a few hours and I had no idea it happened. I found out after they decided to vote me off the island. Why? That’s the burning question in my head.

That may sound stupid and like an excuse, but I promise you, it's not. I don't know what I did, I dont even know what Im being accused of all I know is theyre upset with me and dont want to speak or see me. But I guess before I get to that part I should explain some backstory.

It started last year. I came to college to sort of become “my own” as my mom would say. Did I want to move 8 hours away from all of my friends? leave my family? No. All of my friends were 20 or 21 and going to the university in my hometown. They all were starting their careers and we all shared the same dream. My friends and I spent more time together than we needed to. We were inseparable. But me, being the 18 year old baby of the group, with my mother in my ear, I moved 8 hours away with no friends.

I hated my life, and when I say hate, I'm not being dramatic. It seemed as if no one understood me. I didn't have friends who shared the same ideals and dreams as me (which is actually very important FYI), I had no family, the food was horrible, it was about 15 degrees colder at all times and the beds were extremely small. But anyways, I hated my life. Till one day I decided to get in contact with an old friend from middle school. I saw she was attending the same Uni and I thought it would be cool to reconnect. Which it was, when I went to her dorm room, I instantly felt a connection and group dynamic between her friends and roommates.

That night was the start of a beautiful nightmare.

We all became so close within the matter of months. Me, Jenna, Briana, Donna, Dionne, Joe, Grace, and Rachel. These are the main characters of the this story and my daily diary entry and for privacy reasons I chose not to use their real names. There was 15 of us in total but those are the main ones you need to remember as I vent on here. But anyways, yes we all became a very close knit group, laughing every chance we got, getting dinner together every night, studying together, hanging between classes, walking to classes, going out on the weekend, or even staying in on the weekend. We were always together.

At first it was really hard for me to blend in with the group because they all went to high school with Jenna. Grace and I went to high school together (and eventually got really close but we will get there) and actually requested to be roommates with each other, we just weren't that close on a personal level at first. We were both very quiet and reserved people and didn't like to be public about our feelings. But with the majority of the group having gone to high school together, it was hard to blend easily. They had all these inside jokes and memories. They knew each other so well.

It's not that I was jealous of that, cause I wasn't. I missed my friend group. I didn't want to start over and blend with these people. I barely knew them. I was so different from everyone else. I didn't like secrets and it was apparent that this group had A LOT of them. They hid secrets from each other so easily it was 2nd nature. It was hard to accept and be apart of that. I dont show my feelings very well, I don't like expressing when I'm sad, mad, or something offends me. I have a thick skin and nothing gets to me. It's the way I was raised and brought up. 

Group chats was also an adjustment. This group ran and operated under one thing. Group chats. They had group chats for everything and that's how they all communicated. If only a few of us were going to the student union, there was a group chat about that. If someone annoyed the majority of the people in the room, someone would make a group chat specifically about that annoying person. The members of that group chat would then make fun of the person being talked about it right then and there. (DISCLAIMER; Im not innocent of this by any means, I did everything that I will explain about this group but it was an adjustment and chipped away a piece of who I really was as I made it my normal) I hated group chats in high school. I hated all the notifications and how many conversations would go on at once. It seemed like nothing could get done. And that's exactly how it happened with this group. So many messages that it was easy to miss plans.

If someone was left out of certain plans it was the end of the world. Even it was posted in the group chat, talked about for 45 minutes, and made a solid plan, if someone missed the messages, wasnt online, or couldn't make it, we were horrible friends and they would make a scene about it. (This is what I mean when I talk about sensitive)

Now, I was desperate to find where I belonged. At that time, I had no where or no one. So I made sure that I belonged in this group. I changed my views and ideals on things. I put my dreams on hold. All to fit into a group who then later chewed me up and spit me out without a second thought. But I was so blinded by wanting to be accepted, I actually made it in and they became my normal and I became theirs.

Before I move on to a new topic, there is something you should know. The group, one of their favorite pastimes was, shit talking. They shit talked about absolutely everything and everyone, including members of the group. If someone annoyed them, if someone wore an ugly color, if someone looked at us funny, etc. You get the point.

From the moment I entered, I knew there was something off about them and there was shadiness within the group. 

I did my best and actually became really close with Jenna again. We were both a mess and didn't want to be in that boring city, if you could even call it that. It was like we were in middle school again, fan girling over stupid boys, making stupid jokes about anything and everything, and spending hours on end together. It was nice to have one of my close friends again. I felt normal and it was like a piece of home. But It was very apparent that other people in the group didn't fuck with her as heavily as I did hence a shadiness that I mentioned earlier. I tried my best to stay out of it. But it got messy a long way. But my point is, they talk so much shit, even about each other.

Now I had a hidden paradise within all of this high school drama madness was, Taylor. I met Taylor at freshman orientation, we were in the same group and we partnered up in a game and dominated together without knowing anything about each other. That's when we knew we were meant to be together. The best part of Taylor was he loved guys just as much as I did. So we were a match made in heaven. We were competitive, stubborn, funny, smart, driven, insensitive, and both loved men. After orientation, I expected to never really see him again, we exchanged each other's numbers but I didn't expect to become close. I never do with those kind of encounters. But turns out we were destined to be together and once again faith did its job. We ended up just a few doors down from each other in the same dorm hall and on the same floor. What are the odds of that.  We saw each other everyday and I honestly never got tired of his presence. We think alike and hes is very blunt and honest about everything. He didn't like to express how he felt and he didn't like secrets. So we got along very well. (Now I am actually roommates with him in a house) 

He was my escape and my little paradise. I could tell him anything and he would either agree with me or give me his honest opinion. I think what I like most about him is that he reminds me of my true self. Even though I didnt realize this until recently. He reminds me of the old Valerie. 

I tried to bring him around the group but they hated him. Taylor is complicated for people who don't have a complex mind. He is too smart for his own good, he literally knows everything about everything, and at times it could get really annoying, but it's charming, he doesn't show emotion and he's very robotic. He doesnt like to be wrong, but does anyone? You could say that Taylor and the group were the same but the group does not admit when they're wrong and anyone who isnt in their inner circle, is irrelevant. They were right and never wrong. But Taylor, he was hardly ever, ever, ever wrong but when he was, he owned up to it. So Taylor was hated for how strong of a person he was, something I was afraid to be around these people.

This group was the death of a girl I use to call Valerie. No thats not my real name. (I refuse to use real names.) I ruined myself and everything I believed in and tried to accomplish, but I'm definitely not innocent in all this either. I destroyed my friendship with them without even meaning to. Its hurt me more than I expected. Their is an emptiness inside me, I feel alone. My whole life for the past year is now gone except for a few pieces. Its like it never happened and they never came into my life. They vanished so quickly and I didnt get the chance to even say goodbye. But after some thinking and long deliberation, I came to the conclusion that they damaged me just as much as I damaged them.

[mintyicee]

Warning: skip this post if want

It’s a rant...and i absolutely hate you tumblr app bc i had to redue this twice now! >:(

Anyway, I’m used to being ignored. Everyone around me since i was little to being a young adult now has left me to own thoughts and corner in my home since forever. Though i am partially to blame being an introvert and an absolutely horrible friend in keeping contact with friends online, I mostly do so if i feel no one wants to hear, see, speak, or look at me. I will personally disappear and hide myself bc i feel it will make others happy if i wasnt around. As if i didn’t exist. True, not everyone in your life will be around forever and true, being oneself is your greatest friend. But, as shy or quiet as i am, I love being around other ppl. I dont want to be around ppl 24/7 but i do want to connect with ppl i feel can appreciate me at my fullest and without feeling like im weird or the odd ball that doesnt belong.

With that being said, I may be USED to it but i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. As any human being would of coarse and a lot of ppl have it worse dont get me wrong. Making this rant already makes me feel selfish and in need of pity which isnt why im writing this. Simply put i want to push this anger out of me and get it out of my system bc i feel i cant move forward until i do so. And when it comes to my problems i suck at communicating it to others bc i feel they have much more important things to be doing then to babysit someone who is feeling down (but id drop everything to listen to others sadness bc i care way too much). 

I hate feeling like i did back when i lived in my hometown. Very lonely and sad. Constantly crying. I wouldn’t do anything all summer but cry in my room bc of how alone i felt. And i gave a very important part of me away just to make sure i had at least one person hanging around. I regret it very much but my efforts to hang out with the friends i saw at school outside of school would be very close to zero. Everyone is either busy or just low key didnt want to hang out with me. Tho i was lucky to have at least one friend I would see more in certain grades, it wasnt constant. And once all the drama with my nuclear family subsided, i was much more alone in the house than before middle school. 

I didnt have a cellphone or home phone, no internet either till i moved and started high school. The things that kept me going usually was my writing, music, and cartoons. Seriously being serious here. The way Id touch base with any of my school friends was to walk to their house and be lucky if they had time or were home. When i moved i had so much hope that Id find ppl to share and spend time with. Not only that but i was in the real world and no longer stuck in a house like a prisoner or place for that matter. But like stupid ppl or racists, the same ppl pop up everywhere as well as the loneliness i was hoping to leave behind. Only it came in a new form: even when im around others. I am/was happier here tho. No longer confined in my hometown house. But recently it feels like i am. This summer has been my loneliest since the move and the feeling like no one cares about me at all have all come back at my lowest and most crucial decision making time of my life. Not being in school this semester/school year is hitting me hard and no job call backs for a whole month now either. 

Partially my fault tho. The new friend crew ive been spending time with have been ignoring anything i said in the group chat. Id be skipped over and lately it feels as if im just upsetting certain ppl and end up talking about me behind my back. Really nothing new but I’ve just had enough of it. Like always I distanced myself and stopped talking all together. I’ve been more political upset in recent days due to certain issues on twitter but I’ve only been talking to my boyfriend and my mother. In hindsight tho, they really are my best friends. They are here for me at my highest and lowest no matter how many times i cry or how suddenly i get upset or frustrated. They are the ones to accept me for who i am. No one else has done this to the extent as they have and really thats all i need. Even if i dont get any other long term friends i dont care bc i know they will be by my side till the end. 

But I also want to say that if you didnt want to be my friend in the first place or you wanted me to initiate the conversation first then u should at least comment back at what im saying. If i said something dumb or something that didnt add to the convo then tell me dont just ignore me like im stupid. I refuse to be your “friend” that you only want around to be made fun of. I’ve been through a lot and yes ik u have your share of problems but if your going to only look at yourself and care about yourself then i dont need you. Im good without having that in my life. Ive had my fill of people who act like that to me. And im also tired of people who dont care about others and present issues. I CRY ABOUT PPL I DONT KNOW THAT ARE ON THE NEWS WHETHER NAMED OR NOT. HELL I CRY EVEN IF THEY ARENT ON THE NEWS! There are soooo many ppl who have it way worse than myself who suffer daily and im sick of hearing ppl dont care about the ppl and situations around them! I wont sit here making an excuse as to why i cant help its the same old issues no money (no job as mentioned above) hell even no car but that doesnt matter. I still pray! I pray for safety of others and i pray that ppl will be alright and i pray that things will get better! And also mentioned earlier, ive been reposting about current issues on twitter! This is small but i want to try!

So please if you had no intentions of sticking around me at any of my current moods, dont appreciate the person i am, or relatively dont give a fuck then dont involve yourself in my life. Yes it hurts to be alone but Id rather have that and be alone then FEEL ALONE WITH PPL IVE COME TO CARE FOR! Also, if I have helped you through thick n thin and you think u can pop into my life whenever you feel like it only to stop talking to me or purposely upset me and even threaten me? GTFO of my life and dont come back! Ever (yes this is about a certain friend who moved away and i helped not commit suicide that im holding a grudge at)!  And if you honestly are going to get upset at the actions ive done and say you do good things when you have zero sign of love for others in your hearts, live in a bubble of your own world, and follow the bible “word for word” get out of my face too bc i dont need ppl who say they are here to help others only to shun me if i dont constantly keep verses in my head or do things the way you want them to be and to have me fight my own demons while going against your beliefs and saying that im not doing what im supposed to (yes this is about church)! I DO THINGS AND CARE WAY MORE THAN YOU DO TRUST ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM EVER GOING TO SELFISHLY SAY SO BC ITS BETTER TO BE HUMBLE AND NOT ARROGANT. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU YET YOU GET TO JUDGE ME? NO I DONT THINK SO YOU SHOULD START AT LEVEL ONE AGAIN AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (still about church not friends here). Also dont worry about the level one thing; you would know what this means if you went to the same church. 

I’ve been couping with the idea that all i need is two friends. I’m so grateful and blessed to have them in my life and if im truly meant to have more than it will be so. I know two others of whom i need to apologize for hardly emailing or sending a message to. I feel so bad i have neglected them only bc ive been feeling so down about this and other issues (like before: school, no job/car, possibly changing career and life goals, etc) but really is no excuse. Welp I’ve said all i wanted to say for the moment. There is another topic i wish to vent about but it will have to be for another day bc i have no energy to complain about that topic. If anyone read all this im sorry i took time out of your day and that I hope you are doing well. I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest and to celebrate the good things not the bad that comes along. I just really needed to vent these emotions so i can finally concentrate on what i need to do. Thank you for listening <3

#rant #venting #feelings #loneliness #sadness #anger #friends #people #depression #life #church

[adambstingus]

Leave Lauren Alone: ‘Summer House’ Recap

Catch up on last week’s recap here!

What better way to continue the momentum from last nights unpredictable Oscars ceremony than with an episode of? Say what you want about Warren Beatty but I think we can all agree that years from now, will stand along with in the cultural zeitgeist.

As if losing best picture wasnt upsetting enough, now they tell me theres only 3 weeks left of ! How could they do this to me?

We pick up where we left off: Lindsey finding out about Everetts potential foursome.

She confronts him. Everetts first response is What? which is a sign he’s definitely about to lie his face off.

Everett: Well thats just impossible because I physically cannot fit in a bed with four people.

Airtight logic. Wow.

Im sorry, but Id trust Stephen over my own boyfriend. And Ive never even met Stephen (a sad but true fact).

Lindsey: Did you bring me a coffee?

Everett: I brought you something better *pulls out a sunflower*

Id be like bitch but where my coffee at tho.

Cristina says she loves to break a story which is a fancy way of saying she loves to gossip.

Just when you think Stephen cant get any better, he stops a workout to puke in the bushes. Honestly Im a little concerned for myself due to how much Im stanning for this random man.

Kyles like Theres two weekends left, Im a single guy, its a marathon and theres no quitting. I think thats what Kendrick Lamar meant when he said I pray my dick gets big as the Eiffel Tower so I could fuck the world for 72 hours.

Lets take a moment to discuss Lindseys shirt.

“Fridays we be like squad goals”? It’s so bad I’m convinced it has to be satire.

Lauren: I feel like I need to have a conversation with Carl.

NO YOU DONT. You went to froyo and he went to one dinner with your family. It was one time!

Lauren: IDK where you got this assumption that I wanted some grandiose gesture.

Strong words coming from the girl who took her hookup of a few weeks to meet her parents.

Lauren: I dont hook up with someone for three weeks and then expect a proposal.

Nobody said you were expecting a proposal but we all think you’re expecting a relationship.

SURPRISE this convo ends in a kiss. I will begrudgingly give Ashley a +1 for predicting this.

Lauren: IDK if Carls crazy because he keeps coming back, or if Im crazy because I keep taking him back.

You. Its you. Youre the crazy one.

Everetts doing some fundraiser race thing that I cant reasonably make fun of. America! For the troops!

Damn this group of like 10 people raised over $25K? How rich are they?

I said I wouldnt make fun of this, but this race is a bootleg version of Thats all Im gonna say.

Did Ashley break her ankle without even falling? That’s impressive.

I was super into my fruit salad until Lindsey said together Everett and I can take over the world. THANKS FOR THAT. You owe me $2.79. (What I meant is, I threw it up. OK I’ll go fuck myself now. Mahalo.)

Oh my God if Lauren is gonna overreact that much over Ashley rolling her ankle she should talk to me after my twin tore her ACL. Ill spare you the details of that trying ordeal for me, but long story short I I lived. Against all odds.

So shes in a cast but her ankle is not broken

Do you really need training on crutches? You put them under your arms, you walk.

Ashley on the couch:

DAMNNN BRAD LEVEL 5 ADVANCED PETTINESS: Well you wouldnt have rolled your ankle if you were here in California.

Ashley is more upset over leaving her sister than about leaving her husband. #Priorties

I would rip on the fact that this group hired a party bus to go to a brewery, but Im honestly jealous. Are you guys gonna be in Montauk this summer? Pls tweet us if so.

Fuck a party bus, this is like a party jitney. Im dead.

Kyle holding an entire cooler of mojito for himself is my spirit animal.

Carl: What are you supposed to do on a party bus? They dont call it a chill bus.

Insightful.

Ashley: Lauren and Carl are PDA like theyre in seventh grade.

Also Ashley: I just want Lauren to find a guy and be married like, yesterday because shes really missing out on life.

And again, Ashley: What is Lauren gonna do without me? I dont trust her to make decisions alone.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, she is hooking up with a guy whos not that into her, shes not shooting heroin! Jesus fucking Christ, leave Lauren alone! (Yes, I wrote that in my head in Chris Crocker’s voice, in case you were wondering.)

OK but cmon Jaclyn WAS all up on Carl at the bonfire. Objective, non-alternative fact. Check my recap, I wrote it down word for word in the event that something like this would happen. Check the receipts.

Carl probably just came watching Lauren do that beer bong. Honestly, I did.

Actual footage of me when Ashley said Crashley:

STEPHEN IS BACK. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? DONT EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN.

Jaclyn, you can join me and Stassi on team forever alone. Consider this your formal invitation.

Honestly, Stephen said what I was gonna say: Why do we GAF that people made out? Are we in the 4th grade? Let me know when someone fucks.

Damn has this shit really been going on for 10 weeks already? Jesus Christ. What has happened to my brain cells.

Everett tries to deny the bed incident.

Stephen: You said it.*Sips drink*

ScrewStephen really belongs on

Not even going to summarize this argument. Fuck all this, I side with Lindsey on this one. That shits hella inappropriate and Everett obviously knew it, otherwise he wouldnt have lied about it. BOOM. LAWYERED.

Cristina got cornered and shes forgotten what words are and her voice just went up like 3 octaves. Anddd that’s all for this week, folks.

Check out our Vanderpump Rules recap!

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/21/leave-lauren-alone-summer-house-recap/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/163245115087

[samanthasroberts]

Leave Lauren Alone: ‘Summer House’ Recap

Catch up on last week’s recap here!

What better way to continue the momentum from last nights unpredictable Oscars ceremony than with an episode of? Say what you want about Warren Beatty but I think we can all agree that years from now, will stand along with in the cultural zeitgeist.

As if losing best picture wasnt upsetting enough, now they tell me theres only 3 weeks left of ! How could they do this to me?

We pick up where we left off: Lindsey finding out about Everetts potential foursome.

She confronts him. Everetts first response is What? which is a sign he’s definitely about to lie his face off.

Everett: Well thats just impossible because I physically cannot fit in a bed with four people.

Airtight logic. Wow.

Im sorry, but Id trust Stephen over my own boyfriend. And Ive never even met Stephen (a sad but true fact).

Lindsey: Did you bring me a coffee?

Everett: I brought you something better *pulls out a sunflower*

Id be like bitch but where my coffee at tho.

Cristina says she loves to break a story which is a fancy way of saying she loves to gossip.

Just when you think Stephen cant get any better, he stops a workout to puke in the bushes. Honestly Im a little concerned for myself due to how much Im stanning for this random man.

Kyles like Theres two weekends left, Im a single guy, its a marathon and theres no quitting. I think thats what Kendrick Lamar meant when he said I pray my dick gets big as the Eiffel Tower so I could fuck the world for 72 hours.

Lets take a moment to discuss Lindseys shirt.

“Fridays we be like squad goals”? It’s so bad I’m convinced it has to be satire.

Lauren: I feel like I need to have a conversation with Carl.

NO YOU DONT. You went to froyo and he went to one dinner with your family. It was one time!

Lauren: IDK where you got this assumption that I wanted some grandiose gesture.

Strong words coming from the girl who took her hookup of a few weeks to meet her parents.

Lauren: I dont hook up with someone for three weeks and then expect a proposal.

Nobody said you were expecting a proposal but we all think you’re expecting a relationship.

SURPRISE this convo ends in a kiss. I will begrudgingly give Ashley a +1 for predicting this.

Lauren: IDK if Carls crazy because he keeps coming back, or if Im crazy because I keep taking him back.

You. Its you. Youre the crazy one.

Everetts doing some fundraiser race thing that I cant reasonably make fun of. America! For the troops!

Damn this group of like 10 people raised over $25K? How rich are they?

I said I wouldnt make fun of this, but this race is a bootleg version of Thats all Im gonna say.

Did Ashley break her ankle without even falling? That’s impressive.

I was super into my fruit salad until Lindsey said together Everett and I can take over the world. THANKS FOR THAT. You owe me $2.79. (What I meant is, I threw it up. OK I’ll go fuck myself now. Mahalo.)

Oh my God if Lauren is gonna overreact that much over Ashley rolling her ankle she should talk to me after my twin tore her ACL. Ill spare you the details of that trying ordeal for me, but long story short I I lived. Against all odds.

So shes in a cast but her ankle is not broken

Do you really need training on crutches? You put them under your arms, you walk.

Ashley on the couch:

DAMNNN BRAD LEVEL 5 ADVANCED PETTINESS: Well you wouldnt have rolled your ankle if you were here in California.

Ashley is more upset over leaving her sister than about leaving her husband. #Priorties

I would rip on the fact that this group hired a party bus to go to a brewery, but Im honestly jealous. Are you guys gonna be in Montauk this summer? Pls tweet us if so.

Fuck a party bus, this is like a party jitney. Im dead.

Kyle holding an entire cooler of mojito for himself is my spirit animal.

Carl: What are you supposed to do on a party bus? They dont call it a chill bus.

Insightful.

Ashley: Lauren and Carl are PDA like theyre in seventh grade.

Also Ashley: I just want Lauren to find a guy and be married like, yesterday because shes really missing out on life.

And again, Ashley: What is Lauren gonna do without me? I dont trust her to make decisions alone.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, she is hooking up with a guy whos not that into her, shes not shooting heroin! Jesus fucking Christ, leave Lauren alone! (Yes, I wrote that in my head in Chris Crocker’s voice, in case you were wondering.)

OK but cmon Jaclyn WAS all up on Carl at the bonfire. Objective, non-alternative fact. Check my recap, I wrote it down word for word in the event that something like this would happen. Check the receipts.

Carl probably just came watching Lauren do that beer bong. Honestly, I did.

Actual footage of me when Ashley said Crashley:

STEPHEN IS BACK. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? DONT EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN.

Jaclyn, you can join me and Stassi on team forever alone. Consider this your formal invitation.

Honestly, Stephen said what I was gonna say: Why do we GAF that people made out? Are we in the 4th grade? Let me know when someone fucks.

Damn has this shit really been going on for 10 weeks already? Jesus Christ. What has happened to my brain cells.

Everett tries to deny the bed incident.

Stephen: You said it.*Sips drink*

ScrewStephen really belongs on

Not even going to summarize this argument. Fuck all this, I side with Lindsey on this one. That shits hella inappropriate and Everett obviously knew it, otherwise he wouldnt have lied about it. BOOM. LAWYERED.

Cristina got cornered and shes forgotten what words are and her voice just went up like 3 octaves. Anddd that’s all for this week, folks.

Check out our Vanderpump Rules recap!

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/07/21/leave-lauren-alone-summer-house-recap/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/07/21/leave-lauren-alone-summer-house-recap/