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ladychlo · 2 years

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Hello:) srry for the rant... so all the shit talking from literally queer people about Harry today (this has nothing to do with Harry btw it could be anyone) ... It just upsets me as a young queer person that there's people in this community (lot of them) who think you must be out to be a part of the community. I mean the community was created to keep safe each other. Not to pick and choose who's going to be valid. Also I identify as a queer person and I don't want to label my gender bc to me it's something I don't see... Why is that wrong that I don't want to comment on my gender? I'm i not valid; or lying? I don't get it..

Also saw someone say that if Harry is queer he should come out bc he's a public figure and that will help other queer people?? Like what?

Why people think just because they are a part of the lgbt+ community they can pick and choose who to support and who's valid? I don't get them. It's sad

hi love,

you're absolutely right! and I've talked about this while ago and I cant stop screaming it:

Gatekeeping queerness does nothing but perpetuates the same system that oppresses queer people.

it pains me when its queer people who vocalize negative opinions about other people's queerness. that queer people invalidate other queer people's experiences just because it doesn't align with theirs. the core of the queer experience is survival and resilience and joy, this core is shared by the community but every queer person has their own experience and I think some queer people ignore how nuanced that situation can be.

some feel entitled over others' queerness, this sort of entitlement is absolutely everything against what the community is about. once you as a queer person feel like you owe other people their queerness you should stop and say what the fuck am I doing?

check your entitlement and check your privilege as well, not everyone can be out, not everyone is safe to be out, god there are people who don't even know that they're queer because they are isolated, denied any space, any representation, any words or voice, there are queer people who can't even reclaim their bodies and their identities, they cant step out of their house without the fear of being muted, there are countries that still jail, kill, torture, suffocate the life out of queer people, and not every queer person lives in a place where they are recognized or protected by any Anti-discrimination law, some queer people just want to survive in their own way, just in silence. do you know how is it hard to even accept yourself when you dont even know who you are? let along the feeling of other queer people invalidating it. all this, and you feel like you have the right to decide who can claim queerness for themselves or not? how fucking entitled can you be to say that out loud, to say someone if not out they cant be valid, they cant claim their queerness the way they want.

check your entitlement and if your queerness is used to invalidate other queer people then you are doing nothing but regurgitating the same system that made you realize you were queer, the same system that isolated you and denied you your rights, the same system that oppressed your people. and being queer is far away from that, it's absolutely the opposite of that, all your anger shouldn't be aimed against queer folks, but the system that enabled and created an environment that made queer people have to fight and resist and come out. the community was never and will never be exclusionary, far opposite from that, it's a safe place for you to breathe, to be heard to see that there is nothing fucking wrong with you, and to claim your queerness the way you want it, literally your queerness is whatever you want it to be, however you want to express it.

your queerness shouldn't oppress, it shouldn't judge, it shouldn't invalidate, and certainly shouldn't create interpersonal opression.

also just to add on the matter of Harry and Louis, I'm not gonna talk about their self-expression and how they express and see their queerness, because that's their fucking business and it up to them to feel safe and comfortable to share that. but I'm talking about how it's unfortunate not everyone outside the fandom can see their act of community, have you seen their shows? who the fuck has a full venue or arena drenched with pride flags and rainbow light? they created a safe environment for queer people to be, to exist, to express themselves, and that's fucking brave man, they don't need to come out to inspire other queer people, they don't need to come out to make other queer feel validated and seen. stop centering queer experience around coming out, stop invalidating queer experiences because they don't align with your expectations and fuck just stop gatekeeping queerness.

#I am sorry about the long ass rant but I had too

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oh-for-fic-sake · 3 years

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It’s A Match Chapter One

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Summary: Filming is over and Henry returns home to and empty house. And he doesn't like it, things are getting to him and he doesn't want to be alone anymore. Then his brother suggests online dating, it sounds mad but henry decides to give it a shot. If worst comes to worst he just deletes the profile. He has nothing to loose right?

Warnings: Angst, Swearing, Cheese, Self Indulgent Fic, Rpf, Plus sized reader.

A/N: so I wrote this before the whole 'girlfriend' shock and everything that has followed. I was of two minds whether to ever post it but honestly, this is my blog and I've clearly stated that i am going to continue writing Rpf. I want to do a little ficlet/mini fic and well here we go. It wont be smutty just somewhat angsty then fluffy. Enjoy~

Taglist: In Reblogs.

Henry slumped back on the seat in his conservatory and sighed, from here he could see his brothers and their wives outside, each snuggled up on the out door wicker sectional he had got to have the family over. It was the first family get together for over a year. He was happy, god it was amazing to see them but... He couldn't help being a tad envious.

They all had a family, wife and kids to go through this shitstorm in. He had no one, well he ha Kal. But that was it he sighed and looked away sipping from his cup slowly takeing a moment for himself. He needed to just chill, but it was getting hard... This year had really knocked him back he was at an all time low he hadn't felt like this for a long time. He knew he was depressed, he felt stupid there was no reason to be but there we go.

Henry had been getting himself all twisted for a while now, filming the Witcher helped but now that was over and he was home alone. Left with his thoughts in a big empty house.

"Sooo little brother want to tell me what's going on or am I gonna have to get mum in here?" Henry jumped at the voice and spun around to face his brother who was keeping a safe distance at the door. Wiping his hands down clearly just having washed them again.

"I ah its nothing, you know me I'm a worry wart" he said waving off his older brother he didn't want to bring down the mood of the small gathering, it was why he had come in here to take a breather.

"You called us all here for a visit hen, out of the blue when lockdown is still being eased out. Its clear you don't want to be alone, yet your sitting in here alone." His older brother said leaning on the door frame folding his arms trying to figure out what was really going on. He could see his little brother was hurting he wanted to help.

"I've got Kal" Henry said with a chuckle and looked about for the bear only to frown and sigh seeing the room was empty apart fro him and his brother.

"Kal's outside with the kids hen, what's up? You can tell me you know" henry sided as his sibling moved sitting in the small seat across from him. He knew that his family would listen but he felt so... spoilt like he was asking too much and was being selfish. It wasn't like him.

He grunted leaning back choosing not to look at his brother instead focusing on the cup in his hand. He spun it slightly then heaved a sigh. He wasn't getting away with not speaking about it, he was going to air out his worries one way or another. With his brother or his mother, and he loved his mother but this was? He wanted to keep this issues close to his chest. So far only Kal knew about his problems.

"I... I've had enough... just had enough of fucking covid and being alone... i felt isolated before all this shit kicked off and now?" He vented releasing all the fears he had. It was tough, he was a family man without his own little family, he hadn't managed to find anyone to share his life with and it got to him. He tried being sincere and polite, he took care of himself and tried staying true to himself but... something was missing it had to be! On paper he was a safe bet a good man! Yet his relationships never worked. There were different opinions or his other half couldn't handle the life style or they tried changing him or they couldn't put up with the way he loved so furiously- so openly wanting to always hold and kiss them. It just never quite worked.

"Its- fuck everything has just caught up with me...worries I've had for a few years now I could ignore them you know? I had other stuff going on, was always out and about meetings and press tours I was busy! But now?" He tried putting his feeling into words but he was conscious, he didn't want to whine or bitch about his life. He loved his work and the life he had made for himself he just? Wanted someone to share it with.

"Now after covid you've got all the time in the world to think?" Henry nodded agreeing with his brother. Covid had made him face these fears head on. He has been alone for the best part of a year with the uncertainty of his work and filming quarantines and isolations.

"Yeah, it hurts I'm... I'm in deep and I? I don't know how I'm getting out of this slump" henry finally said outloud, his brother dipped his head listening to him as he ranted. Started letting out all the frustration and anxiety out but stopped short with another growl closeing his hand around the cup tightly hissing in frustration then looked away.

"And what's caused it? I know you hate being alone but?" Henry sighed shaking his head as his brother tried coaxing more out of him. He drew in a shaky breath wanting to cry, he was just so lost and upset over being upset and alone.

"Two lock downs... Two alone- I? If this carries on for the next few years I don't... I don't want to be alone anymore! I want to settle down, I want an actual personal life! A relationship a family and? How? How am I gonna find all that? They want fame or money or something! Women never seem to want me for me, they say the do then judge me for my hobbies- I'm a geek I like tech and games and fantasy! And women don't like that" he spewed the words like they were venom, half ashamed of being so dramatic but the fear was real. Henry was scared, he wanted love. He wanted a family of his own, and it seemed impossible, now more then ever.

"I want to meet someone who will take me as I am, for me and I just I'm giving up. I'm giving up on it I can feel it, almost forty and look, alone unmarried no kids-I have no one to share my life with, it hurts am I not good enough for that?" He hung his head as he spoke the final words put loud. He felt so vain and full of himself when he said them out loud, his skin crawled.

But it was how he felt, being the muscular decent looking man he was didn't go with his personality. He was a geek and the woman who were drawn to him didn't want that. And the woman that shared his hobbies normally weren't confident enough to even speak to him. Society's views on acceptable couples had put Henry in no mans land.

"What about online dating?" His brother spoke up but Henry just grunted rolling his eyes frustrated.

"What? No I cant do that I'd be fucking swamped" he hissed in irritation frustrated at the mere suggestion of him trying to date online.

"Whoa hold your horses let me finish I mean come on Hen there's bound to be hundreds of shy sweet women on there, I mean girls that are into your hobbies and stuff aren't usually the ones out and about partying and stuff, so its more likely they will be online" his brother quickly explained before Henry could pop off on one and shut him down.

Henry opened his mouth and stopped himself. That was a good point. Many of the women he would click with weren't going to be in bars or fancy parties. They were normally shy and at home most of the time reading or playing games.

"I... You really think i could meet someone? Meet the one online?" He asked in a small voice warming to the idea. His sibling smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes little brother, your a down to earth guy, just make a profile and have a look, if you don't like what you see you can delete the profile" henry nodded slowly thinking it over. There'd be no harm if he failed well he'd be no worse off, a little disheartened but that's about it.

"Look write down a few things you want in your dream girl, have a pseudo name like fucking I don't know Hank! Or something and say your a runner on set or something" his brother spoke up quickly as Henry sat back and actually thought about it seriously. He was right, henry could tweak things and be careful about what he shared and if he did meet the one then she'd understand... He could explain the predicament he was in. That he just wanted someone who liked him for him. And he would only reveal himself to her if she was the one and he was sure she would understand. As long as he was himself and honest about everything else in his life then there was no harm... and if he used proper photos of himself just... half cropped out then? It wasn't catfishing? Because he was being himself just using the nickname his mother used to call him.

"O-okay so be myself but... Just tweak a few things? So they don't know its me?" He reiterated to his brother still trying to figure out the morality of this whole idea.

"Yes! No full on pictures, no photos of Kal either new photos henry not old, maybe of your eyes up or something? Girls love blue eyed boy- not your right that brown will give you away... you could even fuck em up with a behind the scenes character photo? I mean come on how many men use a superman photo for their profile these days?" He encouraged wanting more then anything to cheer up his little brother.

"I yeah... That could work ,thank you- I'm sorry I got so worked up it... Its just getting to me now" henry apologised but his brother shook his head and chuckled standing up to go back outside to the others that were all happily chatting in the garden.

"I know Hen, look just give it a go, you might be surprized... come on lets get back out there, after all you are the host~ you cant just run off and hide" henry grinned standing and following his brother. It was decided, he'd give online dating a go!

A week later Henry sat at the computer everything was ready, he'd taken some precise photos and had spent the last half hour writing a profile up. He had felt a little guilty about this... Was he lying? Technically it was him, he was going by Hank which was a nickname his parents gave him as a child, luckily this site didn't require a surname because honestly? He had no clue! To fend off some guilt he had thrown in a behind the scenes photo of himself as superman it wasn't much but it helped take the edge off. The other photos were cropped and there were a good few just so that the women knew he wasn't technically a catfish; he even did one with him covering half of his face with a piece of paper with Hank scrawled across it. At the time he felt silly but it helped with his anxiety over the whole thing.

He paused for a second eyeing the screen rereading the profile over and over trying to make sure it was alright and honest. And it was, he had explained a little about himself, his hobbies and interests and his job... Only brushing over he worked for the film and tv industry recently working for Netflix he hadn't exactly explained what he did but there was enough information.

With a deep breath he clicked the button his mouse hovered over going live with the profile. Now all he had to do was wait and hope he caught a good womans eye. Within moments a few profiles popped up, matches. He scanned them flicking through some of the profiles and felt his heart crack. They were all full of badly filtered photos and used slang that to be honest he didn't even understand. What was so hard about using plain English?

He growled growing frustrated clicking through what were clearly a bunch of wannabe sugar babies. Each profile had a main photo a little bit of info then a few more pictures added to them. He scanned each one quickly going through the motions judging each one. 'Too far away... Your clearly not even eighteen?... Oh you like dc? Really hate to break it to you but thor is not a dc character' Henry grunted as he bypassed what felt like hundreds of women each with their own 'duck face' selfie most advertising their Instagram pages some even ballsy enough to add their only fans pages.

'Wait a second who was that?' He paused and scrolled back up and eyed the image on screen. It was a face on photo a cute woman smiling uncomfortably. Unlike everyone else's there was no distorting blur or heavy editing, the only make up was in the form of eyeliner in a set of black slightly uneven cat eyes. A slightly skewed black flicks making a point of no editing on the photo.

She was a full figured woman with proper kissable round cheeks and a sweet nervous grin. Her eyes were what got him, they were kind and genuine he could see she was uneasy about the photo but she was beautiful. She lived about half hour away which wasn't to bad.

Henry clicked the profile and scrolled down she didn't smoke, drunk occasionally and had no children. She did however have a college education in animal care and ran a small business. Centred on dogs by the looks of it. He moved further down reading the profile.

Y/n, 30, business owner, e/c, 5'4, curvy

I'm shy so will take a while to warm up to you. A honest woman, sometimes to honest I don't seem to have a filter 🤗 I'm laid back and tend to be sarcastic and I love animals I'm a kc certified dog breeder as well as run a small successful business that caters to dogs. So if you are allergic or don't like dogs then leave now but thank you for clicking🙃

I spend most of my free time gaming or reading. I enjoy the fantasy genre and love dc and marvel (though I love dc just a tad more🤫)

I have one fur baby in the form of my lovely girl Amii who is a three year old malamute. Yes malamute not a husky or Akita so again if you don't like dogs or big dogs I'm not the girl for you.

I'm looking for someone to have fun and maybe build a life with. Covid has been tough being single and decided that it was about time I tried this whole online dating thing. If you want to chat pop me a message 🥰

I do not have a personal Instagram, snapchat or only fans! Stop asking for pictures!😠😠

Henry's face split into a huge grin. She seemed to good to be true. She was wholesome, successful in her own right and looked fun. She didn't seem to be full of kale and bullshit. Just genuine and? Henry couldn't put his finger on it but there was something drawing him to this woman.

True to her word there was no Instagram link, no only fans or snap chat or anything. He scrolled further seeing photos of her and the biggest fluffiest dog he had ever seen in his life. She was sitting down next to who he assumed was Amii her dog and he melted. Y/n looked happy and content, living her best life.

There was nothing that sent alarm bells ringing, no racey photos or 'Netflix and chill' innuendos. The profile was clean and genuine. He was right the woman was a little chunky but extraordinarily beautiful. The curves suited her and made her look more... cheerful and he could tell she was strong aswell, you had to be to have a huge dog like that about you.

There were photos of her walking a large pack of dogs in the wood; that he recognised! They were the very same he took Kal to only ten minuets down the road, he even recognised the small logo of her company on the jacket she wore. He had seen dog walkers wearing the same jacket so he knew of her brand. I he remembered correctly the company offered dog walking, grooming and kennel facilities as well as offering Breeding services helping stud dogs and stuff. They also helped advertise registered breeders and took in rescues for rehoming. It was a brilliant little company that he had even used for Kal once or twice to get his teeth cleaned and nails clipped, because Kal was a bugger for his pedicures!

He moved further down seeing more photos of the woman a small section with the games and tv she liked. Witcher was in both the tv and games category aswell as peaky blinders, Vikings and a few other shows.

Henry paused as he saw the chat button. Should he? He but his lip twisting on the spot in he chair rocking from side to side. What harm is there? He could just send a message she looked like a fun loving woman, he shared the same interests and stuff... so why not?

His fingers hovered over the keys ready to type out the words. But he choked. His mind ran blank what does he say? Hi? I saw your profile? Does he ask for a date? What does he do?

He let his hands fall and growled. Then scanned over the side of the message bar seeing a few pre-typed responses.

'It's a match!' 'You look fun, lets chat' 'I like your profile picture'

He winced they all seemed... wrong? Somehow they were polite and all but it- they wasn't personal or anything just... not quite right. He looked down as Kal came padding over and slumped next to him resting his chin on his foot with a loud sigh. With that Henry had an idea typing away a little message and hitting send before he could really think.

You sighed typing away the latest wage slips and added up all the various overtime, you really needed some more staff on now that lockdown was coming to an end. Thankfully animal care was essential so you hadn't been hit too hard a few staff were on furlough as they were extreme high risk and shielding but you were going out of your way to make the premises covid safe. Luckily it wasn't too hard as much of the business was just a few staff and lots of dogs.

You frowned when a chat icon popped up in to corner of your screen. 'Hank?' You though trying to remember if you knew a Hank? Maybe a client or some old friend... but you honestly couldn't recall. You l saved your document and clicked the small icon bringing up a chat and frowned a you read the little message.

'I call my dog bear but he has nothing on Amii, Shes the fluffiest dog I've ever seen in my life she looks perfect for bear hugs😅'

'what the hell?' You cursed scrunching your nose up at the screen rereading the words. That's a bit random... you clicked his icon a small photo of half of his face then froze as a dating profile opened up. 'Oh... shit' you said seeing that your own profile you'd set up a few days ago out of curiosity had garnered the attention of the handsome blue eyed stranger. You swallowed biting you lip thoughts of finishing updating your records now gone as you scanned Hanks profile and a small smile crossed your face.

Hank, 37, works in the film industry. Blue eyes, 6ft, muscular.

Decided to finally try this online dating, unsure what to say other then I'm looking for a life partner. I like to think I'm funny and laid back. I'm fit and active but that doesn't mean you have to be, but maybe my lady could come for walks with me and my four legged son? I promise he's my best freind and a good boy.

My job is tough and I'm away for long periods of time, but when I'm home I like to play games and am into warcraft. I paint miniatures when I can. Fantasy and superheroes are a big part of my hobbies so if you don't like all things geek then I'm probably not for you.

But if they are? Then feel free to message me, I will reply when I can.

You read and re-read the profile And your hands hovered over your chicklet keyboard. Biting your lip, do you respond? He seemed sweet and real... if that made sense. You took a deep breath. What was the worst that could happen? Asking for a plane ticket? You decided to take a chance and typed back a reply hitting send whilst you had your nerve and then flushed.

"And they say fluffy dogs only lure in women~" You giggled to yourself moving a hand over the huge fluffy girl beside you giving her pets whislt thinking of a reply.

#henry cavill #henry cavill x reader #rpf #henry cavill fic #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill x you #henry cavill x ofc #henry cavill x y/n #henry cavill imagine

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somnilogical · 4 years

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transfem protestors released info that moved 350000$ of donations from miri. because miri is an evil org, they decided to lie about why they think it happened and say its really confusing. i know the answer to this ~mystery~, i know why this year was different; i can talk about it in public, they cant. cuz im freeee from CDT PR. i can decide to lazily choose an algorithm that optimizes utility in multiverse, not just institute whatever choice seems to give most utility "going forward".

<<Our fundraiser fell well short of our $1M target this year, and also short of our in-fundraiser support in 2018 ($947k) and 2017 ($2.5M). It’s plausible that some of the following (non-mutually-exclusive) factors may have contributed to this, though we don’t know the relative strength of these factors:>>

https://web.archive.org/web/20200214061634/https://intelligence.org/2020/02/13/our-2019-fundraiser-review/

they then go on to list eight pretty thin excuses. you know perfectly well why this year is different from all other years, MIRI. your ""speculations"" are fake.

a small group of transfems moved ~350,000$ from your ineffective charity.

i suppose eight of these factors also account for why CFAR extended their fundraiser 5 days longer than announced after donations were super low?

or maybe there is a more compact generator for both of these events: whistleblowers protested what you have been doing releasing lots of marginal information and donors saw this.

i know why this year is different, you know why this year is different. Colm Ó Riain you are facilitating MIRI lying, hoping that if one doesnt mention something, people wont pay attention to it.

like lying in such a way that you wouldnt be held legally culpable, because you could say in front of a court with low schelling reach "you cant prove what i was thinking". except i dont care about legal culpability, i care about causal entanglement. you heard about the protests (or, much less likely, were kept from hearing about these protests somehow by a distributed version of this algorithm set one personstep back), you have > 1/100 intelligence. your omission of this is deception.

is <<In past years, when answering supporters' questions about the discount rate on their potential donations to MIRI, we've leaned towards a "now later" approach. This plausibly resulted in a front-loading of some donations in 2017 and 2018.>> really more plausible than "there was an entire protest against MIRI and CFAR's support of UFAI. people reacted strongly to this, it shows up in the donations.¹"?

it would have come up on a list that scrapes the bottom of the barrel for plausible causes in a counterfactual world in which you werent optimizing for good PR. an AU in which you were searching for and publicising how things were causally entangled.

¹see, for instance, the Patrick LaVictoire who had aggregate donations of:

25,885$ november 26 2018

35,885$ august 29 2019

117,199$ february 14 2020

giving diffs of 10,000$ and 81,314$ to estimate 2018 and 2019 donation periods. iirc at some point the diff was 81,000$, id guess at some point afterwards they donated \floor{100π}$. https://web.archive.org/web/20200601000000*/https://intelligence.org/topcontributors/

and then went on to do the standard antitransfem thing calling ziz a "gross uncle" style abuser who just wants status like brent.

https://pastebin.com/TUZ7EThz

with their evidence being someone kaj said it, and kaj's evidence being that ziz said:

<<> I asked Person A if they expected me to be net negative. They said yes. After a moment, they asked me what I was feeling or something like that. I said something like, “dazed” and “sad”. They asked why sad. I said I might leave the field as a consequence and maybe something else. I said I needed time to process or think. I basically slept the rest of the day, way more than 9 hrs, and woke up the next day knowing what I’d do. [...]

> In the case that I’d be net negative like I feared, I was considering suicide in some sense preferable to all this, because it was better causal isolation. However, despite thinking I didn’t really believe in applications of timeless decision theory between humans, I was considering myself maybe timelessly obligated to not commit suicide afterward. Because of the possibility that I could prevent Person A and their peers from making the correct decision for sentimental reasons. [...]

> I was very uncomfortable sharing this stuff. But I saw it as a weighing on the scales of my personal privacy vs some impact on the fate of the world. So I did anyway. [...]

> I tried to inner sim and answer the question. But my simulated self sort of rebelled. Misuse of last judge powers. Like, I would be aware I was being “watched”, intruded upon. Like by turning that place into a test with dubious methodology of whether I was really a delusional man upon which my entire life depended, I was having the idea of Heaven taken from me. [...]

> I made myself come up with the answer in a split second. More accuracy that way. Part of me resisted answering. Something was seriously wrong with this. No. I already decided for reasons that are unaffected. that producing accurate information for person A was positive in expectation.>>

which doesnt sound at all like brent or other people ive encountered who were chronically angsty about status.

im going to write more about this and others in another post but like okay:

[1] ppl with high current or natal testosterone (centrally but not exclusively cis men) keep doing this thing where they mind-project that everyone else has the same degree of status sensitivity and unreflecticity upon it as them when actually this is hormonally mediated.

ziz has a natally & currently estrodized brain and from my observations doesnt have that submodule testosteronized. people with PCOS like ilzo have mentioned that they had masculinized status sensitivity modules, lex somni and some cis guy all tried increasing testosterone and noticed status-sensitivity went up, without looking for this effect in the first place. there are papers on it. your experiences are not universal.

[2] but also this isnt really a "belief", its a coordination mechanism. in the same way "its in black peoples nature to be servile" was a coordination mechanism for slavery rather than a "belief". humans actually can use evidence efficiently and see, for instance, in the antebellum south that black people were human just the same as anyone else. but the local social positionality and what they valued made it more advantageous to verbally report otherwise.

similarly for any minority. "*phobia" is the wrong word, its not fear its a schelling coordination mechanism that humans can expect most of society to have their backs on when bad times happen. which tracks what social justice theorists mean by this stuff being "structural". its not about some emotion of hatred or fear against the specific phenotype of "black skin" or "gender divergence" its about what humans can coordinate against.

hence the use of "antitransfem" instead of "transphobia", i picked this up from ziz and gwen and later noticed it mirroring the form of "antiblack". i wonder if antiblack was coined after encountering a similar issue.

[3] you parted with a marginal 71,000$ (compared to what id expect in a counterfactual world without a protest given your lifetime donation total was 35,885$ and you donated 10,000$ last year.) to protect a UFAI org. is this not an amazing amount of "subservience" to MIRI? anarchotransfems getting together to protest the present omnicide isnt "subservience". the transfems protesting against google being evil werent "subservient", but the employees at google who fired them out were.

its amusing watching this one narrative being tiled everywhere, but with different targets. the authoritarians did the same thing to emma goldman. ▘▕▜▋ says emma and somni are haxing a clueless ziz to "bully" people, linta said somni was infohazardously corrupting people, CFAR affiliates say ziz was 'whipping people into a frenzy' and 'demanding subservience' from them. im going to write a post about this.

#more institutional gaslighting #justice justice #这个时候你在路上遇到的所有人都是向你索命的孤魂野鬼 #why is this year different from all other years #lots of people at miri besides this person looked over their post and did nothing

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eclecticsublimeparadise · 4 years

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We Must Protect This House.

Woooo! It has been a MINUTE. HUGE changes in both myself and the world around me this year. I don’t know about you guys, but I felt this coming. I felt SOMETHING coming. You may remember me from my spiral blogs/vlogs. One compliment I can give myself is that I was brave AF for speaking out on unpopular issues before it was socially acceptable to do so. I spoke out on a lot of ugly that was happening around me and challenged ideals on mental health. It is imperative that now more than ever, mental health becomes a conversation. In this fast paced world we have been given the BLESSING of slowing down and it is crucial we do not take this time for granted. Greed, envy, lust (pretty much all of the seven deadly sins) were thriving prior to COVID and are still lingering. A force greater than us is sending a very clear message. Someone is telling us to sit down and shut up because we definitely do not have it all figured out. In a society where arrogance and corruption reign, someone, something, stopped us dead in our tracks and said “now wait just a minute.”

Today I was blessed with a day off to reflect all that is happening within myself and the world around me. I see the pain and suffering and I am certain it is going to get way worse before it gets better. I fear for my brothers and sisters battling the silent killer that no one seems to really be addressing. Yes, COVID is horrific. But so are all of the domestic violence calls, child abuse, and overdoses that are correlated I am sure, to being confined to our homes. My dad has a scanner and I am connected enough with first responders to hear what actually is going on. And it is terrifying. I finally heard enough to say “alright carrie, its time to speak up. words are your power. your test is your testimony now.” I am basically the Slumdog Millionaire of surviving depression, anxiety, and a knapsack of other issues. Life has adequately prepared me to hopefully prepare you. I may be the advocate you never knew you needed.

It sounds so simple. Stay the f*ck at home. But it is not. It is not. When I was home alone, jobless, wondering where my next meal was coming from, waiting on an unemployment check..my anxiety and depression skyrocketed. When my mental health plummeted, I lost my sense. I acted out in deplorable, desperate ways. I used alcohol too early or too much. I went on medication that is dangerous and almost impossible to stop taking. I went numb at the wrong times. I got aggressive at the wrong times. I lost myself. Then I spiraled into this self pity of “I know this is not who i am but this is who the world thinks i am so why even try.” I would hide my struggles which, like infections, grow in the dark. Mental health issues swept under the rug are some of the most dangerous issues you could face. Face them head on. As uncomfortable as it is, face your shit, unedited, head on, and sober.

Speaking of sobriety, no matter what your viewpoint is on addiction, if you have friends or family that have ever struggled in this area..reach out. Addiction almost always stems from pain and poor mental health. If the addict has children, it is even more imperative for you to reach out and offer UNCONDITIONAL support. Being isolated, hungry, jobless, home with kids 24/7....ALL of the triggers are there for an addict to snap. So how do we help someone with substance use issues? You listen to their needs, without judgment. I would rather someone call me at four AM dopesick and needing help with their child than have that mom (who was stressed out and overextended and using to cope) snap and OD or have CPS take that baby. I am asking that all of you be kind, especially to mothers in addiction (to the moms that drank before noon some days, or popped that xanax to cope, I love you. I am here for you. I will never judge you. If you have done it, I have a name for it. ) We need a safe form of support and communication. I have spent the last ten years building coping skills. I am one of the most educated individuals about my illness but the illness still kicks my ass if I don’t pray. Prayer, education, honesty, courage and endurance (physical and emotional) will get you through these times. Even if you think you are dead alone and no one gives a rats ass...I promise that is not the truth. My story would have been over if it were meant to be over. I was that alone and dark. Anyone reading this, call me if you get dark thoughts. They arent embarrassing, they are dangerous.

I saw people hoarding toilet paper and that was my first sign that people were panicking and their sense of control is being lost. My second thought was omg I used to live off of government assistance/paycheck to paycheck and had i not have had the job I was blessed with this year, my kids would be absolutely fucked. We are fucking over the working poor that are desperate to care for their little ones as well. Please stop freaking out. Stop hoarding. If feels SO GOOD TO GIVE. I promise you, God gives you back what you let go of TEN FOLD. Not allowing others to purchase essential items due to our own anxieties is going to make the children pay. I cry every day, because all of this is making our children pay. Moms are too overwhelmed. Dads are out of work. We cant feed our children and they are hungry. They keep saying they are hungry. There is no schedule. There is no school as a safe haven for children with parents struggling with addiction or any other mental health issues. All of these stressors are the perfect storm for disaster, even bigger than COVID.

I revamped my blog because I am not a victim anymore. I have stories so strong they will make you believe. It is time to start telling those...pain shared is pain lessened.

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jess-oh · 5 years

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prayer

hey God,

it’s been a while. i guess a part of me is afraid to say these things aloud in fear that claire might hear me. i would rather be alone.

i think there are a lot of factors concerning my relationship with you. I know when I was in Turkey, I had full faith in you and really witnessed and experienced you move. I felt so much of your pain and how much your heart breaks for your people that do not know you. i had full trust in you.

a few days later, i went to cross conference and felt incredibly convicted and cried and cried bc of the amount of guilt i felt. i prayed to you and you answered in a way that only you could. i gained clarity and was determined to properly equip myself before returning for a year. which is something that i still want to do.

but after the drive by happened only a couple weeks later, i felt incredibly hurt, broken, afraid, traumatized, helpless, and betrayed.

even now, the biggest thing on my heart is why. why god. i dont understand why you continue to put me through so much pain. what did i do so wrong to deserve so much suffering. if you really loved me, why would you purposefully put me through so much? i feel like my life is a living hell. there are times when i really genuinely hate being alive bc it just feels like too much pain. i cant take it. i would rather die and cease to exist than to go another day feeling such a heavy weight in my chest.

i want to get over it. i really do. and i am starting to accept that sometimes life just sucks and we just have to accept it as it is and move on. and ive started to move on from the fact that these things even came into existence. but i am still so upset that it was God that put me through this. i dont understand. i really truly dont understand. i want to understand but i dont. the actual experience isnt so bad anymore but the weight that these two events have carried haunts me to this day. and i cant take it anymore. i cant. i honestly really cant. God please. Why. I really just don’t understand why.

I am in so much pain and suffering and you did this to me and I cant even begin to understand why. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to please you and glorify you and live my life for you and it feels like instead of a reward, im being punished with this awful sinking hole inside my chest that i can never seem to escape.

i want to be better. i do.

i just dont know how or what to do anymore.

it’s been a while since my depression lingered and has stayed with me. i just cant seem to find the motivation to actually do my work and stay focused and be studious. if anything, i want to do so in order to honor and please my grandparents. it’s the least i can do to help them during this trying time.

did i push people away?

i know i started to keep secrets and didnt trust them as much and isolated myself to just suffer alone which is probably what made everything even harder and even worse in my own mind.

i dont want to fight this battle alone anymore. and i am really grateful and glad that i have jeanne to help me but

i do wish i wasnt alone here. which is partly my fault for not being more open and willing to share my current struggles and problems.

but i wish more people would reach out to me to check up and see how im doing. which i guess is also my fault for not being totally honest about how much pain i am in.

sigh.

and i dont know if it’s just me in my own head or what but whenever i am at church on sundays or retreats or lockins or whatever else, i always feel really self conscious. that im too loud or im going to expose myself by crying and really falling on my knees before God. I’m too afraid to take that risk.

im too afraid to really go before God honestly bc im afraid Claire or someone else is going to hear me and judge me.

but in the grand scheme of things, why do i really care what she thinks or anyone else? this life is so temporary and i do genuinely enjoy being at lakeview. i think people do genuinely care and love me and i do work really hard to be involved and to make a name for myself. and i think if news came out that i had killed myself, i think people would be shocked and affected.

but at least as of right now, im too afraid to really reach out for help. i dont know how theyll react or what theyll say or how their perception of me would change. i do want to seek therapy but i dont think i even fully understand what im feeling or going through. i dont even know what i would tell them.

i do want to worship God genuinely instead of feeling like im just saying a bunch of empty words over and over again. I want to actually believe the words im saying.

it did feel nice singing that turkish song on labor day

and living hope strung a chord with me too.

i just dont feel like i can truly praise Him anymore. I don’t think I can truly praise you anymore, God. Because I don’t believe the words I’m saying. I’m not totally convinced that I love you this much that im willing to dedicate my life to you. and really believe you are worthy of all this praise when i feel so betrayed.

but, i need to go work on my homework now.

but at least i do feel a little better after writing this.

real quick before i forget,

To Amanda-

hey amanda. honestly, a part of me is glad that you decided to break up with johnathan bc it had such a negative impact on me. i felt like i had been replaced by him. you were always hanging out with him and i now know that it was actually just exhausting for you to be that social but i felt hurt. i always just gave you your space when you needed it and chalked that off to your personality and believed you wouldnt take the time to hangout with anyone multiple times a week or anything. but then i saw and heard about you hanging out with johnathan constantly and it made me feel like i had been replaced and i just wasnt worth hanging out with. i didnt give you enough for you to want to hangout with me more. i wasnt worth it but he was. all of a sudden, it seemed like you and him were really close and you didnt need me anymore.

and i know you generally dont reach out for help and hermit unless prompted but. i felt like i lost you. and because of that, i distanced myself from you and even when i was going through tough things, i didnt always tell you anymore.

but i never told you that this was how i felt bc i didnt want you to break up with him bc of how i felt. bc i didnt know if i didnt want you guys together bc i saw the negative effects it was having on you or bc i just felt upset about losing you specifically myself.

this is actually how i felt before with jason and angela too. i wanted to tell jason that i didnt think their relationship would last and it was a bad idea but i wasnt sure if i wanted to tell him that bc i liked jason or bc i genuinely cared for them both and didnt think it was a good idea. so i didnt say anything at all.

and they ended up breaking up anyway.

and the same for you.

even though i didnt say anything, you guys ended up breaking up anyway. which i kinda thought might happen.

and i dont know if it was right of me to stay shut or if i shouldve spoken up but this is how i feel. and i didnt want to say anything until after you guys had officially broken up.

but im sorry.

i also feel like it shifted our dynamics and changed a lot. like tbh, i was salty towards you indirectly about jasons graduation. bc i know jason was close to johnathan and pjosh. but i knew you guys were never that close. i was more hurt that i wasnt invited but you were out of proxy of being johnathan’s girlfriend bc i knew jason and i were closer than you and him. and yet, he invited you instead of me.

and i was hurt.

#prayer

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vebging · 4 years

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You think you love but you dont no you cant Its not safe You think youre so in love all the affection you feel only comes from how you perceive it you love someone cause you see good in them something you can connect to, something that is relateable something that is shared something that is valueable something you wanna see in the world something you want to protect a quality or a behaviour You think you love no you dont no you cant its never gonna be safe You think you like your friends no you dont you dont like anyone You like how your boyfriend is soft You like how your best friend is intelligent You like how your female cousin is admireable You like how your other friend is creative You like how your other friend is.. list could go on but if you lie on it if you doubt hey dont you wanna focus on the bad instead? Your boyfriend is overly dependant and cant do anything by himself without guidance, gets insecure way to easily Your best friend catches on to late, sabotages himself with his own anxiety and then blames it on his diagnosis and you cant tell him cuz it only makes it worse, Your female cousin is half a monster and never actually wanted to take care of you anyway, only wanted to take care of something she could call her own, it was never personal, when you wouldnt be hers anymore she quickly turned on you & picked whatever suit her best at the time, which was your rapist, Do you wanna sleep over it? Wanna put it on re-set? Wanna replay it again? You might not mean it, but I do You might not think about them that way, but I do You cant let anyone to close You wanna be stable? Be stable in isolation

People are flawed dont bother trying to get them to get better dont bother trying to get them to see things from your point of view theyre not willing anyway You think you wanna be connected? Youre never gonna last that way, youre gonna let other people down, cause youre used to being disconnected you hide so quickly when people get to close, you think youve changed? Just try me You believe these people care about you? Dont make me laugh. Your boyfriend only is desperate to prove his own worth through gaining your love, he may be gentle to you time and time again, but take his core insecurity away and he’d see you as a burden just like anybody else did, Your best friend only loves you cause youve known each other for so long and he cant make new connections easily, he only chose you cuz you were the only one patient enough to stay by his side no matter how slow he was to open up, you think thats personal? He’ll drop you when he gets better. Its cause there werent many other people with that patience around. Your female cousin never wanted to protect you, she just wanted to feel shes not all alone, the only worth you had to her was not judging her for bad sides of her, she only tried not to hurt you with those sides cuz she feared youd leave her all alone otherwise, its not cuz she cared about you, its just cause and action, had she had full control over you, shed have never bothered trying for you The only safety in this world consists of figuring peoples core out and manipulating them into feeling what they think is “love” for you just figure out their script, read the lines, show your -empathy- and get them wanting you, “loving” you, but its never gonna be personal, nobody is gonna love you for you, only for how you make them feel about themselves Only for how well you ease their core anxiety how well you can control them without them knowing Youre not strong enough to make it on your own youre to spoiled to stop wanting the comfort relying on others, then throwing them away, Youre not strong enough to make it on your own cause making it on your own would mean having to stand in some sort of limelight, being in the middle, having to take in attention, having to be available, having to make yourself touchable, always take the least exposure, let only few people know youre there, hide behind someone until they are out of use dont depend on them for much more than that do everything yourself, dont let them control you, have the upper hand only use them for the shadow you can stand in they provide If you hate living that way so much If you hate seeing people in a negative life if you want to take the risk if you want to care youll get hurt again youll get hurt badly You think you like your friends you dont care what does care matter if you can cut it off? its not stable enough You think you love then you dont lets just leave it at dont, then You think you like people You like to focus on their flaws You like to turn from wanting to help to ceasing to care now theyre bothersome If this isnt the sort of life you bargained for why dont you just kill yourself? If you wanna bitch and moan about how living this way is terrible, why dont you just kill yourself? Im not imprisoning you Im protecting you The outside world isnt safe for you you cant ever win and you can never be in the limelight and enjoy it too youre scared, and for good reason theres bad things out there I just want to protect you I just want to protect you I just want to protect you I just want to protect you I just want to protect you I just want to protect you Im not the bad guy here Im not the bad guy here Im not the bad guy here You think im robbing you of your potential and your happiness? Im the only one that has ever cared about you in the entire world dont trust anybody but me Let them think you belong to them, tell them “I am yours” that always gets to them then when they no longer serve you stab them in the back you cant hold back, and you cant ever hesistate just pull the knife down theres no time to feel guilt you can cry about it later cry bout how they really meant the world to you cry all you want when youre all alone again on your own like it should be

why are you crying over people who dreamt of making you “all theirs” just how your dad tried to do it to you, too? Youre always so sentimental, I think its a waste of time Your “innocence” goes best unseen You wanna connect, to be around people? You say, its the safest when youre surrounded by people that mean well for you? Well, arent you just flipping the script on me? Suddenly trying to tell me that going where the sun shines is safer than depending on the darkness you can remain unseen in? That the bad things only ever truly happen where nobody can keep track of? That its the safest to be in the limelight? That were people gather its the safest? You wanna tell me everything ive known is wrong? You wanna try asking your dad for some attention then? You wanna ask your mom to be there for you properly then? You wanna ask your family to stop accusing you of being a liar then, without even having talked to you about any of these things, once? You wanna tell me, that you wanna ask your female cousin for help again after she took your rapists side? After the only person you ever thought you could in any capacity depend on, stabbed you in the back bcz she couldnt get you to be -hers- again? If people wanted for you not to aim for their weak spots they should have made it safe for you to reveal yours If people didnt want to get hurt by you they should have been trustworthy If people want to tell you you deserve it watch them change their opinion if you hurt them in any capacity suddenly thats all your fault but if it happens to you oh its your fault too! You wanna trip on peoples hypocritical reasoning so badly, mh You wanna trust people being kind to you but if youre kind back to much it might become a habit thats hard to break always stay one foot out always leave before youre left or push people into leaving first you cant be seen this heartfelt you wanna be independant? youre lying to yourself cause the only reason youre managing to bear intimacy is when youre in an dependency so you have a reason not to let me convince you to leave

cause you dont want to be alone you like hiding behind someone you like the excuse of it you like it you like being weak cause if you were strong youd have to be alone and you dont want that so you stay weak so you cant just give into me and stay all alone youre keeping yourself down cause you dont want to listen to me youre scared that if you let yourself succed in life youll no longer need others around you and then youll give into me and listen to me and repulse them and then youll be just as isolated youll flee into work, youll only flee into work so you keep yourself small so you dont have to be alone do you need me? do you need me to go? do you want to outgrow me? you cant outgrow me im the only one you truly have ill still be with you when nobody else is so what do you need them for?

you want me to trust you? you? yeah, thanks no

you dont need others you dont truly need to hide behind them you need to use them to get fully in control of your life you can do that now then youll abandon them then when youre secure and safe youll abandon them lets see how much you really “love” them once you no longer have a use for them, that would hurt your boyfriend so much mhh? maybe thats all he was good for anyway funny

so what, you gonna sabotage your own school progress so you can stay in an relationship with your boyfriend? Force yourself to need others, so you can stay in connection so you dont have to listen to mean mean me telling you its better just to depend on yourself? you were weak then when you were still a child, but youre not a child now, you can take charge of your life, you can be totally in control of it, just like you want, you could be a great success, youre just to scared to be youre scared to no longer need others cause you know ill win and youll be all alone cuz of it

you hide behind excuses because deep down you dont wanna get better you only wanna get better enough as to not burden others but you dont want to actually get good cuz if you did, youd be to strong to need them and if you dont need them, youd have no reasons to resist what im telling you about the people you love, right? you dont want that to be your life lonely on your own you dont wanna succeed in life and do good for yourself just to find you lost the feeling that made you want to share it with others you will never succeed in life unless you make up with me so stop trying to push me away stop trying to tell me im all wrong or all bad stop trying to ignore your own pain just so you can pretend youve completely healed

you just keep pretending youre scared of stuff like doing your drivers license making appointments you just keep pretending youre actually scared you always fought when you had to you can do it for others you only cant do it for yourself cuz the more you become independant in those ways the less you need others the less of a reason do you have not to listen to me the more you fear ending up all alone so if you dont want to make a decision between either living a dependant life, or living a highly successful independant but lonely life, you better start actually accepting me or making up to me or actually winning me for your side but suppressing me is NOT going to cut it if you want to make this a fight, we can fight either you or I will win but neither of us is going to be really happy with that so prove to me that these people are safe prove it to me prove to me that you do not have to choose between yourself and others

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sarahburness · 6 years

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Why I Can’t Always Be the “Strong One” and What I Do Now Instead

“You are not your struggles. You are the survivor who keeps moving forward in spite of them.” ~Lori Deschene

My mom was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was seven years old. It’s a chronic condition that doctors say can be managed but not cured. The symptoms included manic high energy, depression, delusions, hearing voices, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality.

There were many times of stability for her, when she was on the right medication, taking it routinely, and attending regular psychotherapy. But if any of these elements were missing, those moments were often short-lived.

She was the type of woman who would speak to anyone in eyesight, make an instant connection, and fill the atmosphere with the kind of joy and laughter that would make anyone think of happy times.

For me, as I knew her well, any extreme traits that did not resemble these were signs that her body was not responding to the medicine and she was having what doctors call an “episode.” These were the times I knew she had to be hospitalized for stabilization. Some episodes were milder than others, but all resulted in my sister and I having to make the tough decisions, for my mother’s well-being, that deep down inside hurt us to the core.

We were like the three amigos, my mother, little sister, and me. We had a powerful bond, and my mother, being a single parent, taught us to be strong, independent, confident women. Growing up, I didn't know that my mom having her episodes would become the norm, and taking her back and forth to the hospital would become routine.

Years later it would never get easier, and each time felt like the first time. Each time I had to put on my armor jacket of strength, suck up my feelings of sadness, and be strong for my mother when she was not able to do that for herself. I had no idea back then that learning how to be so “strong” would eventually be my downfall.

I remember my first time taking my mom to the hospital. My heart raced and my chest filled with so much pressure it felt as if I was about to explode. I was filled with such overwhelming sadness, anger, and helplessness that I couldn't even express if I wanted to. It wasn't the time.

As we sat with my mother in the emergency room, waiting for her to get called back, everything moved in slow motion. Her rage of being taken to the hospital without her initial consent filled my ears with such vulgar slurs and hurtful words that I regularly had to remind myself it was her “condition” talking, not her.

Life can put us in situations where we are forced to be strong even when we feel weak inside. Society will give you the impression that being strong is a good thing. We are programmed to show strength and not express our weakness. It’s almost this hidden outlook as if expressing your weakness will allow someone or a situation to break you, and once we are broken, we can’t put the pieces back together.

We become so good at portraying strength; we fool others into believing that we have everything under control and do not need help. But, as I found over the years of being the strong one and continually putting on my armor jacket of strength, I was doing more harm to myself than good.

Here are some lessons I've learned since realizing that being the “strong” one is not always the best solution:

1. Don’t isolate yourself from others.

There were many times when my mother's episodes were extreme, and I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone in my inner circle. I felt like no one would understand what I was going through, and it felt like I was in a battle all by myself. Unlike a physical disease, there are so many negative stigmas that can come with having a mental disorder. The fear of both my mother and I being judged and ridiculed was enough to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself.

During these times being social was the last thing on my mind. I avoided social outings with friends and family like the plague because I felt like I was going through things they wouldn't understand.

The more I isolated myself, the more toxic my mind became. When I was by myself, I would constantly dwell on my negative thoughts. They would race through my mind all day, and it was extremely hard for me to see the positive.

On the days when I did have a brief interaction with my friends, I was no longer the voice of reason but instead the “Debby Downer” who no one wanted to be around. The calls eventually slowed down, and my circle of friends became smaller and smaller.

Contrary to what I believed, when I finally decided to open up it made a world of difference for me. When I told a close friend the details of what I was going through, she said she could sense something was wrong with me and extended her listening ear. Even though she wasn't able to directly relate, she had a close friend whose sister had a similar diagnosis, so she was able to understand my concerns and offer a few stress management tips.

This one little moment speaking with my friend felt so freeing. I was finally able to open up to someone and not feel as if I was in a battle all by myself. Moments like those helped me realize that isolating myself was not aiding my strength but actually adding unnecessary stress.

When you isolate yourself, you tend to feel like you’re in battle alone and forget that it's innate for people who care about you to want to be there for you. Your friends and loved ones will be able to sense when something is wrong and will naturally want to offer support. By opening a dialogue, you might be surprised by how many people can relate in some way.

Even if someone is not able to directly relate, there are hidden messages of encouragement that you can receive when you least expect it. Allowing yourself to be around others during these times can make a shift in your energy, which can help make your days brighter.

2. Don’t hold your feelings inside.

I think one thing many tend to forget is that holding your feelings inside doesn’t make them go away. When you bottle your emotions inside you are allowing the pressure of the build-up to take control of your body. These feelings cause more harm than good. When worrying becomes excessive, it can lead to feelings of high anxiety and cause you to become ill. Stress, according to the American Psychological Association, is the leading cause of some of the most severe chronic diseases.

In the early years of my mother’s diagnosis, I would allow stress to consume my life. When high levels of stress would occur, I frequently became sick. I would frequent the doctor for stomach pains and was soon told that continuing on that path could result in causing a stomach ulcer.

Being “strong” does not mean that you need to keep things bottled up with no outlet. This is an unconscious thing we tend to do without thinking about the long-term effects. It is vital that we allow ourselves to handle the crisis by finding a positive outlet. Meditation and exercise can be great tools to use that will allow you to release the energy needed.

3. Let yourself be vulnerable.

In every healthy relationship, there must be a sense of vulnerability. Whether we’re talking about a romantic relationship or a friendship, vulnerability is needed for each person to be in their truth and for the connection to be genuine.

When you are put in situations where you have to be strong at all times you tend to build a wall up, what I like to call the “wall of protection.” This is a wall that builds over time and grows as you are forced to overcome more adversity.

The more you are forced to be strong and fight your battles, the higher the wall gets. In these moments of struggle, you are forced to take on an intensive militant mindset, figure out the problem quickly, and find the solution. You have no room for errors or mistakes. Because you are the strong one, your mind thinks if you allow a mistake everything will crumble.

I spent years unconsciously pushing people away without knowing it. I was accustomed to handling every battle that came my way on my own. My “wall of protection” eventually turned into this hard exterior that pushed everyone away, including men I was dating. It shielded my soft, playful side and turned me into someone who was a pro at masking her emotions.

How can you have a genuine relationship with no vulnerability? How can anyone get to know you if they only see and understand one side of you? Eventually, that relationship will drift away because it has no foundation to stand on.

By putting on your strong masquerade, you block others from seeing the real you. Without allowing someone to get to know you, including your fears and what makes you happy and sad, they are just getting to know your representative, not your true self.

What if you didn't have to fight the battle alone? By allowing yourself to be vulnerable and admitting when you are going through hard times, you allow yourself to receive love. And love is by far the most prominent weapon one needs to overcome whatever obstacles come his or her way.

About Lauren Marie Williams

Lauren Marie Williams is a transformational business coach for ambitious women and new entrepreneurs. She created a Morning Routine Plan that will help you make a powerful shift in your life in only five days. You can download your FREE copy here www.bit.ly/theultimatemorning.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-i-cant-always-be-strong-one-what-do-now-instead/

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jess-oh · 5 years

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reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine.

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine.

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that.

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that.

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too.

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

#reflection #im not fine #im not even close to okay

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