#it took me somewhere like an hr+ to fight him btw | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

praphit · 5 years

Text

Ad Astra: Dammit, Brad!

Just Ad some Astra, people! - and everything will be alright. There's a joke there somewhere; it's not in what I just said, and wherever it is, it's probably a bad one, but it's there! Sometimes, I like jokes that are bad. We all have a family member or two who tell the same bad joke over and over again, but love them for it. Or sometimes it'll be the same joke that people tell at work, you know?? - about the weather, or the weekend or something:

I'm always hearing jokes like "I'm off to HR. So-and-so grabbed my butt again. They'd better fire his ass this time!" - AND THEN WE’D ALL LAUGH. ... ... in retrospect, that's not really a joke. ... Ok, better example - sometimes people will be like "Oh no! My wife is leaving me. She found me in bed with another woman... she's taking the kids." - AND THEN WE’D ALL... ... Hmm... I 'm starting to realize what assholes we've been. But, y’all know what I mean, right? There are jokes that are bad, and then there are bad jokes! *sigh* That leads me to this movie.

Brad Pitt, baby! Look at those eyes! Damn he's pretty! I hope I look that good when I'm his age. I'm here for them sending Brad Pitt anywhere. Send him to the jungle - I'm there! Send him under water - I'm there! So, of course, if you're sending him to space - I'm there! The prob is, it's a bad joke. They sent him to space and he didn't do nothing! - I mean NOTHING! All he did was float around and narrate. Idc how pretty he is, nobody wants to watch that!

Brad Pitt, with this movie, joins that special list of actors:

with Tom Hanks, and Meryl Streep, and George Clooney, and Denzel.

We love them. They're extremely talented. Critics love them. AND their movies are boring as hell - this one is no different. Don't believe me?? - go to RT and you'll see a critical rating of around 80% and an audience rating of around 46% (tho it might be less by now). Normally, I say the truth is in the middle, which is still in the 60's, so... yeah, "Ad Astra", everybody *slow clap*

There's a lot of beauty to behold in this flick (especially in the beginning), so it might win awards in that arena, but damn the plot and characters! Dag gon you, Brad Pitt! It's not his fault that the movie is boring. It IS his fault for being in this boring movie.

Brad's character has daddy issues, and decides to work them out in space. Critics will say how deep this movie is... this ain't deep. Brad, your dad is a jerk - THE END.

Either make peace with that fact or say "bleep it" and move on with your life - don't drag us along for this boring ride.

Dammit, Brad!

You could have been a diva! You could have been like "I know we're in space, but imma take off this suit, and my shirt... trust me, the ladies will love that. I'm Brad Pitt. And I know in this scene there are dangerous highly flammable substances around, but Brad Pitt needs a smoke; make it work in the story! I know this is an Oscar craving drama, but I feel like fightin a mutha bleeper or two. Hey you! Yeah! Jamie Kennedy! Donald Sutherland! I've always wanted to punch y'all. Let's fight! Come here! I'm Brad Pitt! Where ya going?!

Hey, Liv Tyler!

Where the hell have you been? I know this scene doesn't call for it, but let's you and me make sweet, sweet love. What?! Why not?! I'm Brad Pitt!"

But, instead he kept his mouth shut (except for when the director made him narrate in monotone), and just floated around in space. Every now and then, Ruth Negga would appear or Tommy Lee Jones... and every now and then something beautiful would appear, but then back to Brad's thoughts about daddy in space.

DAMMIT, BRAD!

I mean...

I....

*deep sigh*

Grade: D

Plus, we've already made this movie! - several times! It doesn't have to be complex. They did... what was it? - Armageddon, with um... Bruce Willis, and... Ben Affleck...

... and wasn't Liv Tyler in that too? - Was that her last movie? And I think Chris Tucker showed up and started singing... with a crazy hairdo... that doesn't sound right at all, but that's what I remember.

They did Apollo 13!

The Hanky Pank Man went into space and probably won an Oscar or something.

Didn't Ryan Gosling go into space recently?

I don't remember much of that movie. He was probably crying, cuz that's his strength. He builds up to a cry for the whole movie, then at the end he makes us cry with him. Sorry, cuz that's pretty much a spoiler for all of his movies.

Matthew McConaughey went into space... something about time travel or something, I think.

Was Liv in that too?! Maybe she has actually been stuck in space. All of these movies are connected - they're just trying to get Liv Tyler out of space and back into Hollywood.

... nah, it was some other pretty pale white woman.

Sandra Bullock went into space.

She floated around for a while... but she didn't do that for hours whining about daddy issues like a lil bitch, BRAD PITT! (sorry, again, not your fault). SANDRA eventually did stuff... though I can't remember what. I remember ghost George Clooney ( at least I think he was a ghost) showing up in her space pod ... and then he made them both space martini's,

and.... and then she took off her pants. There was a butt shot, and roll credits.

Again, that doesn't sound right, but that's what I remember. Why did she take off her pants? Or is that what ladies do when in the presence of Clooney?

And I think Mark Hamill might have went into space and did some stuff as well.

I seem to have forgotten a lot about these movies, but that's kinda my point! Just go up into space, do some shit, and come back! We're going to forget most of it anyway; just entertain us in the moment! You don't just go into space and float around, BRAD PITT!

DAMMIT, Brad! Those are hours of my life wasted listening to you drone on and on about NOTHING!

Again, I'm projecting my anger onto Brad, but it's not really his fault.

A better movie would have been this -

Brad decides to go to space, and take with him a handful of other actors who got stuck playing boring roles. They'll all revisit one of their more memorable exciting characters:

Brad - Tyler Durden

Hanks - Woody

(yep, yep... that’s weird)

Streep - the witch from "Into the Woods"

Denzel - the guy from Training Day

(Wow, did they think Denzel was going to grow into that jacket during filming?)

Clooney - Batman

(his nipple game was immaculate)

Let's put Damon in there, cuz... yeah... - he'll play... what part was it when his movies started to... you know... ??? Was it "The Informant!"? He'll play that guy.

We still need more color, I think. And another woman... a lil older... um... Rosie Perez!

I hear that she's coming back to acting. Maybe I shouldn't call it a come back, but... has she done anything since "White Men Can't Jump"? or had she been in space with Liv Tyler? She's supposed to be in that "Birds of Prey" movie next year... why they grabbed her for that movie when she hasn't done anything in like 40 years, idk. BUT, she's going to be in MY movie dag gonit! - she'll play... Idk, we'll just throw a "White Men Can't Jump" T-shirt on her, and give her a basketball.

BOOM! The team!

They'll go into space in hopes to do something interesting or fun or.. something that generally doesn't suck ass.

And why does it always have to be about exploring the moon or mars? And why do we only meet stereotypical aliens? There always either cute and marketable or they want to kill us.

We wouldn't even have to go the alien angle. What about other entities? Ooo! Or what about God? Scientists often joke that they haven't yet found some white bearded old man surfing through space yet. But, what if they did?

How about this?!

Brad and his team find Jesus and the Holy Ghost surfing through the cosmos, looking for the Father.

(Jesus played by Lil Wayne and HG played by... Lady Gaga - sure)

BUT the Father (spoiler alert) is actually on earth. He came down in the form of... idk... Neil Degrasse Tyson.

Btw - did y'all know that Neil was Metoo'd? Somehow I had missed that. So, the Father takes that form, somehow forgets that he's God... maybe gets metoo'd, and now Jesus and the HG have to look for him. Brad and his gang have an interesting encounter with them, and end up joining their quest, and in the process come across... idk... a malfunctioning Optimus Prime (crossover, baby!) with a thirst for blood and vengeance!

All of that stuff gets handled in about 2 hours or so, and Brad Pitt and friends come back to earth and do a musical number with BTS.

THAT, Bradley is how you do it!

DAMMIT, Brad!

To be fair, "Once upon a time in Hollywood" is good! So, maybe we'll look back and give Brad a pass for this.

Sooooo, hit me up, and let's make THAT movie, Brad!

Annnnd don't make no more bullshit. Thanks.

3 notes · View notes

streetcornertwoam · 7 years

Text

currently watching some different videos of hannah hart and right now watching a livestream thing she did for her book buffering, where she was signing copies and answering questions...fun stuff

ANYWAY...

so...it’s nearing the end of the video, and she read this question from a girl named becca (i’m assuming spelling lmao) from aurora, IL (which if you happen to know anything about me...I live in IL...and that’s only a few hrs away from me) so initially that was like really like ‘oh fun!’

but then...she read then question...

i’m gonna paraphrase it ‘cause i’ve had to pause the video and like...stop for a minute ‘cause shit got real fucking Quick lmao

basically just ‘what advice would you give to someone who has just come to terms with the fact that they’re bisexual and unsure if they’ll ever be able to come out’

like...Holy Fuck

it’s...too real right now lmao

admittedly I probably would have reacted this way regardless of where they live...but the fact that it’s somewhere so fucking near me is just like O.O

...and I mean like...I guess I’d say I’m ‘out’ like on here...but that’s different, ‘cause...no one really knows me on here (or talks to me lbr haha) so y’know...it is different

and like...I still kinda...pause when I’m talking aloud to myself and saying it

I mean...it’s not even been a year since I started thinking ‘i...might be bisexual’

I wish I could remember when the thought like first permeated my head, but I know it was sometime last yr...and probably in like...April-May

...and like the second it came up, I was like ‘DEAL WITH THIS ANOTHER DAY’

and just ignored it basically...and then like every few weeks, it’d kinda pop back up again...and then finally sometime during the summer...I was like...ok...let’s...look at my life and the facts and...think about this

and it still took me a few weeks, thinking about it off and on...but then after actually asking the advice of someone on here (anonymously of course lmao)...that...definitely helped

i still thought about it, but after that...i did feel more confident in saying it and knowing it to be true about myself

like...i’m 26 right now, and in a few weeks i’ll be 27...

it’s hard to change a perception you’ve held of yourself for so goddamn long, but...fuck i was so in denial about things

just a few weeks ago i was thinking about something and i was like ‘christ you should have realized when you were still in fucking high school dude’

but y’know...there were always guys...and y’know...ahaha...i definitely was never popular, i wasn’t and still wouldn’t consider myself an attractive person

so i mean...even the few guys that i went to HS with that i would maybe find attractive were all assholes anyway, so that totally ruined it

and i dated guys...i kissed...a lot of guys lol...like...just a lot

y’know and my last day of HS i started dating this guy i’d known like...since i was fucking 5 dude

and he was the first (and unfortunately so far only) person i’ve had sex with

and we dated for like... 3 1/2 yrs and then...long story short, he became a fucking ass and we broke up

(that’s not really what happened...i was terrible too...i was...yea i was a bad girlfriend...in the...manipulative way i guess i’d say now...i hate saying that...i hate knowing that i was like that...but...he wasn’t great either...we should have broken up long before we did...and i think that was a huge issue for us...but he still did some Fucked Up shit...and it’s been...4 yrs now??? and like...I still can’t think about him or anything without just...yea...i’m still not over it...i’m over him, but the situation? it’s all just so fucked...so like...probably not everything he did was entirely his fault...but...y’know...there were just...he lied about things...a lot...they were little things....but....they were lies nonetheless...and then when i’d days...weeks later find out the truth i’d obviously be Pissed...and then it’d be a big fight, and y’know i’m ‘overreacting’ and ‘this is why i didn’t tell you’ and blah blah blah’ LIKE NO OK...SO...for like...i don’t know...a week or two before I turned 21 I didn’t hear from him AT ALL...like...I had no fucking idea where he was...what he was doing...if we were still together...fucking Nothing...expected to hear from him on my birthday...Nothing...i was obviously initially pissed but I got hella fucking wasted and then it was whatever... and then like...i don’t know...another week or something went by...(i might be remembering this wrong...maybe it was like...a bit before my bday i didn’t...whatever anyway) basically i didn’t hear from him at all for like...2 weeks or some crazy shit and then one night I’m sitting in my room watching Torchwood (yea you bet I fucking remember this...it was the ep where Tosh and Jack go back in time and they meet the real Jack Harkness just fuck my shit up) anyway so I’m watching that and I hear the doorbell ring...and I just instantly Know. I don’t get up, I just keep watching the show...and then I hear a knock at my door...I don’t answer. Knocks keep coming....still don’t answer...(my door is locked but i don’t have a lock on my door...the way the knob is if you like...push it in and turn it it locks) so there’s a tiny little hole on the other side that you can push a very small screwdriver (or the stick of a dum-dum sucker lmao) into and you can unlock the door...so after a few minutes my door opens this way...and it’s Fucking Him...I just...like straight up ignored him and kept watching my show ‘cause like...you don’t talk to me for WEEKS...and then just show the fuck up?? fuck you (at this point we’d been dating for not even 3 yrs) anyway...eventually i have to pause the show and y’know what he fucking tells me? what he’s been doing? before we even started dating he had planned on going into the marines...like he signed some shit saying he was interesting or whatthefuckever i don’t remember what it was anymore...so keep in mind that was like..3 yrs ago almost....says...’so you remember when i was gonna go in the marines’ etc etc etc..basically...they like...got in contact with him (after all this fucking time????) and said that he was now recruited or whatever (i honestly don’t remember what he said...christ it’s been 4-5 yrs now) so he had been in Missouri doing training something or other...and like...i’m immediately fucking Suspicious...and he’s wearing a fucking marines t-shirt and has a lanyard like that’s Proof...and just...eventually it got ‘worked out’ and then it was just like...this thing that was gonna be happening...he was gonna in the next few months be leaving to go do that...and like...there’s even more to the story than just this...but...it’s such a fucking lie right??? but i was so goddamn desperate to keep him...like...that was my problem...i’d had boyfriends before, and like..only one that i would even say was vaguely as serious (and not even really ‘cause y’know...i was like 12 but...the feelings...and it was only for a few months but at the time...that was the most real) anyway...so y’know...first real serious honest to god we’re gonna get married boyfriend...first person i’d ever had sex with...huge thing....huge moment in my life...and...i didn’t want to lose this person...i put up with the most ridiculous shit ‘cause i didn’t want to be fucking alone...i ruined one of the best friendships i ever had ‘cause i never spent time with her...and just...would spend it with him...or wouldn’t hang out just in case i could ever see him (his parents were fucking...omg the actual worst) just..just...so much Bullshit

sorry that’s just all one big long fucking pile of shit right there lmao...if anyone actually reads that then...good on ya, but also im super sorry

so...then at the beginning of 2012...i’m single...and i was a fucking mess...like...he left (btw...not to join the marines...he just...like fucking left the state so y’know...super legit dude) and...i’m still not sure if it’s just...a coincidence or whatever, but like...immediately after that I got So Fucking Sick

like...i had the worst ear ache...like i was crying it hurt so bad, so finally had to go to the doctor...yea the ear infection i thought i had? turns out it was like a fucking terrible case of strep...like Awful...but my throat didn’t even hurt...it was just my ear...so that happened...

and for like...months i didn’t leave the house really...i mostly stayed in my room, i like...barely talked to my parents...it was...hard

and then summer came, and i went to the swim and golf club that my parents own (and which is now closed and i wish they could sell it) and i started hanging out there again...and i made new friends...and it was honestly? like the best summer...it was...so fucking great

there was this lifeguard...and he was just so cute, and I had the Biggest crush on him...but he was like 5-6 yrs younger than me lmao

like...I was so fucking pathetic...you could see the goddamn hearts in my eyes

and one of the reasons that i’m bringing this up is ‘cause...that first summer then...there was this girl that was also a lifeguard that I had ‘known’ sorta ‘cause she had grown up coming to the pool and had been friends with my sister and knew my mom and they were all really close and whatever...but i never really hung out up there so i didn’t know her...anyway...she had like...just come out to everyone as gay...it was a huge... (she was also like...a few yrs younger than me) and anyway...we eventually became like...Really Good friends

like...we talked a lot, and y’know...just hung out and shit...and...hahaha...i remember this one time...she said to me she’d like to just once take me out on a date...like...just a really nice proper date, and blah blah blah...and asked what my mom would think and i kinda laughed and said she probably wouldn’t care and asked if i would and i said ‘yea i definitely would we should!’ and it was just like...we were Cracking Up (we did that a lot....we both had super loud obnoxious laughs) and like...I was seriously really excited about this idea??? like i remember telling TJ (that was the cute lifeguard) Elaina (that’s the gay lifeguard lmao) is gonna take me on a date! like...I had HUGE smile...and he kinda got wide eyed and was like ‘uhh...what?’ and I was like ‘no no no...just...’ and tried to explain it in such a way that was like...basically i was pulling the ‘no homo’ bullshit...

and i mean even looking back now, I didn’t have a thing for her...I really enjoyed her company, and I thought she was funny and fun to be around, but like...it was never like secret gay crush shit. but the fact that i was So Excited and interested about a girl taking me on a date??? like...fucking Hello Self

and then I got engaged to a few of the lifeguards lmao

...one of which happened to be another girl who I was like...kinda intimated by ‘cause she was just...like real quiet and I didn’t think she’d like me...and then we just started talking one day and got on really well

like...she made me a duct tape ring and everything...i think i still have it somewhere...and again...i don’t think i ever was like ‘fuck i think i really like her’ (but that could be ‘cause like everyone knew that TJ had had a Thing for her for a long time...so it was like...Awkward for me lmao) but she was really nice and very pretty

y’know...i’ve done this a lot throughout my life...which (i think?) it’s a fairly normal thing...but...y’know been ‘engaged’ or ‘married’ to different friends of mine that were girls y’know...and i just...never thought into that much or anything...and i don’t know if that’s ‘cause there really was never any sort of attraction or just because i was just so in denial about things that i just...didn’t let myself think about it...i really don’t know

the first time that i can remember thinking about another girl that i ‘knew’ i was like...18-19...and it was when i was really involved on twitter lol...and i made lots of new friends all over the world and it was honestly one of the best times of my life

...and i remember...lmao...’cause our initial bonding thing was over craig ferguson, and that’s how i was introduced into fanfiction and all that stuff...and i eventually wrote some (absolutely Dreadful) fics...and anyway...one of them...AHAHAHAHHA christ this is embarrassing...

one of them...I uh...wrote about me and this friend of mine...and uh...well...anyone remember the movie Hot Tub Time Machine? yea basically...that’s where i got my idea...we got into a hot tub...went back in time...to...sometime in craig’s past (i fucking wish this wasn’t true...but it so embarrassingly is) and uh...we had sex...the three of us...

....yeaaaaaaa

and like...it was...mainly just...basically we didn’t do much sexual things to/with each other...but we...did kiss at least i remember...and...something else, i can’t remember what lmao...and like...i remember being So Embarrassed writing this thing (she knew all about this btw...i mean I fucking posted it for everyone to see on the website they created for him...i think it’s all still up and if I wanted to i could go and find it but I’m definitely Not doing that) and like...I don’t honestly even know how or WHY i was like ‘I should write about you and I going back in time and having a threesome with Craig Ferguson’ like...i could have made it just me...or just...anyone else...but the fact that it was fucking self insert....with another girl...who was a good friend of mine at the time...

OH YOU KNOW WHAT...I...might have decided to do it ‘cause...ahahhah...she ended up in a dream of mine...her and Craig...and...did we kiss? fuck I don’t remember, but I remember her and Craig in the dream...and kisses were exchanged but I don’t remember with who or whatever...it’s been so many years...anyway

and y’know...she was (still is) a very pretty lady...she was a couple yrs older than me...and we talked a lot about real things...and she gave me advice on things...and, lol...she actually taught me some German words and stuff (she was German herself) and uh...she would like...help me learn how to say things correctly...we never got real far or anything, but it was fun...and I think I was probably...a little bit attracted to her...yea

but...y’know I was again...18-19...I had a boyfriend...it was...there was a lot of New Things

...actually by the time this all happened I was probably at least 20...but still

and then I eventually after a few yrs...was able to be like ‘oh this celebrity lady is really pretty’

‘cause oh yea...i also was that person that was like ‘i can’t say if another girl is pretty/cute/hot/whatever ‘cause that’s gay’ so...sorry about that lmao

and i eventually got over that...and then i was more comfortable with saying so and so is really pretty

and then...Billie Piper happened...oh that beautiful lady

and then it was ‘oh i have a girl crush on billie haha’

and then karen gillan with those ‘legs that go on for miles’ that’s an actual thing I used to say about her All The Fucking Time

i shit you fucking not

but nope...still just a total hetero girl crush....

and there have been various and many others...

(i’m skipping A LOT of other little things that are like ‘dude...you’re at least a bit attracted to girls...you’ve watched videos on youtube of girls hardcore making out and gotten off to it...you were like 15 then dude...accept it’)

so...there’s that

...and loads of other things

wow this...really went off the rails lmao

if anyone fucking reads this whole thing you deserve a goddamn medal ‘cause holy shit is a fuckton of embarrassing shit

but...i honestly feel better getting it off my chest

...i still don’t know if/when i’ll be able to totally come out to my family/people i know in RL as bi but i hope that the day does eventually come...

i had thought the other day about how...i really maybe should wait til my grandma passes ‘cause...well, there’s lot of stuff there (she’s great and i love her so much but she’s very much a church lady and gays go to hell and she’s still sure that my uncle who was gay is there and it’s upsetting to her and etc)

but like...i hate to have to hide this from her, but...i don’t know it’s hard and confusing

which is another reason why I’d like to as I said the other day get a tattoo of a violet on like the inside of my forearm...just..a little something for me that i can look at and know...and then...eventually work on telling people

(funny how i was thinking last yr during coming out month and all that stuff like ‘oh maybe i can do this next yr’ HA! good joke self...that...probably won’t happen)

so yea...anyway it’s probably time that i finally wrap this shit up

seriously if any of you read this...well fucking done, i’m sorry i’m such a mess and type like shit

#personal #this one is fucking long #like...i really went off on a tangent #that was...not what i meant to do #sexuality #...that's mainly what it's about #or rather that's what started the whole thing lmao #i can't believe i'm gonna post this with the potential thought of people reading it #wow self

0 notes