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stopwiping · 6 years

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The one time I had my ass cleaned

As the title if this short story says, yes I once had my ass cleaned, yes you read that right I once had my ass CLEANED.

It all started in college, shortly after my celebrity boyfriend and I broke up (who will remain anonymous to protect his privacy so let's just refer to him as "Bort Thompson"). I have developed a crush on a guy named Larry. He had short blonde hair and always wore sleeveless shirts and basketball shorts to class and also had a pink earring on his left ear.

Larry and I never really talked much, he was on the basketball and swim team while I was in the Non-Wipers Club or NWC for short. One day I saw him alone and I thought that maybe this is my chance to ask him out so I approached him and said hi and then he responded with a monotonous "Hello" and then I asked "I am not sure if you have ever noticed but I have liked you for a while and was wondering if you would like to go out with me?". He looked at me with a strange look in his face and then he said "I would date a dirty hippy that smells like cow shit" while bursting into laughter. He laughed so hard that he broke 3 ribs and had to be taken to the hospital. As I watched him get taken away from the ambulance, I began to cry. I really liked him and I was sad and hurt but I was mostly angry and then I remembered what my father told me to do when someone made me angry and that is to strip naked and sit on the jackass that pissed you off.

3 weeks later Larry was finally coming home from the hospital and I was still really angry and have decided to follow my fathers advice and strip naked and sit on him. When Larry was leaving the hospital I had already broke in his house so I can surprise him with my naked body randomly sitting on him, however I broke in his house a little bit early and I got bored and saw a lighter on his coffee table and decided to see what would happen if I tried to light up one of my farts.

As I lit up the lighter I let out of the biggest, smelliest, Juiceist fart that I have ever had, however it also turned out to be extremely flammable as his entire house have just caught on fire. I called the fire station so they could put out the fire I have accidentally created.

The firefighters came very quickly but one of the firefighters started coughing and said "Holy fuck you smell like whale diarrhea". I looked at him with a pissed off look on my face and yelled "DO YOU WHO THE FUCK I AM? DO YOU?". The fireman laughed and said "who are you?". I gave him a death glare and said "I'm Mark Skidz you stupid bitch". I stripped naked and he started running on Larry's front yard and screaming "HELP MARK SKIDZ IS NAKED AND TRYING TO SIT ON ME".

While I was chasing the firefighter that insulted me, I tripped and fell face first in the grass. The other firefighters took out their house and sprayed water into my ass, causing an excess amount of shit to be washed away into the grass. My ass was clean for the first time and it was a horrible feeling. One of the firefighters went to check on me, for some reason he kept starring at my ass and then said "wow your ass is clean I bet I could eat off of it if I wanted to" another firefighter said "that's a great idea lets have a picnic and use his ass as a plate".

As the firefighters were eating off of my freshly cleaned ass, Larry came home from the hospital and saw me laying on his grass naked with a bunch of weird ass firefighters. I tried getting up but one of the firefighters pushed me back on the grass and said "dude we haven't even finished eating yet". I was freaking out inside fearing he would make fun of me or worse, try to kill me.

Larry walked to me and crouched down to me and said "look Mark I owe you an apology, I didn't mean to laugh at you, the reason I was such a asshole to you was because I secretly liked you back for a long time now and didn't know how to react". I was In shock and just starred at him for a few minutes then he said "I also stopped wiping my ass when I was in the hospital, here I'll show you". Larry stood up and took off his shorts exposing his ass that was filled with excess shit. I was amazed and happy, however the firefighters threw up all over me. I got up and used Larry's shorts that were still on the floor to wipe off the puke on my body then went up to him and said "I love you so much Larry" he looked at me and smiled saying "I love you too" and we kissed and then walked into the sunset holding hands.

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