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kurou3gi-blog · 5 years

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its my gut/rational fell (?) same as i feel like fans are worrying about ks ,but this actor trip was s/m green light that ks will be back at acting and goes his own way distance of ex0, like tae*yeo did with gg. which for them separete kd from public eyes perfectly, because less ex0 schedule, less kd. Im more 'worried' career wise with ji. I still don´t feel like s/m know what plan to him, but i do wonder if kd will show themselves to us again. this seem like a blank page. what do you think?

Tbh at first I worry about kd cb and hunnie’s career…

But when I saw soo with bald head I thought maybe he already had a new deal now or he already to enlistment………

And if we think he had enjoy time with his sunbaenim actor squad… Yes and I think they chose to travel together to make soo relax from something….

Why I think like that because I saw yesterday(19/05/19) clip that kwangsoo is massaging soo’s nape back at the airport. And you know? Men like to do this when they want to encourage friends or make them relax when their friend facing a hard time…. But at that counter????

Yeah I think you know I don’t think he has problem with airport staff but if we think after that they will separate from soo again and soo come back to facing with his hard obstacle again….. So,….

And why I worry about cb and hunnie’s carreer too. Because if we think about how esm promote chen solo with how they promote chan and xiu solo….. I think you can see how different between their promote marketing even they are from same group and release at the same time in the name of same project…

And if you don’t forget like me that cy already had created youtube channel you can see that esm didn’t promote his channel like what they did with chen and bh… So,…..

Then about bh….

Once I told that I worry about him after I saw his ig live first time with his driving until now and when I knew he has channel on youtube now but only trolled his vlog life not his music cover activity like chen….

Tbh I feel like because esm don’t know what to do with him with long term work so they troll the youtube channel to him to kill a time and make money with his steamer live like diva of ow at the same time…..

And about hunnie….

Although a few days ago we saw him went to music studio with cy but now he went to visit lay?

I think if them (kd cb and hunnie) has ekso work schedule now I don’t think they should do like this. Their life now is already like a unemployed life - -”

Sorry to not say they look like a freelancer because it’s hard to make a long term holiday with freelance life like they do now….

It like they showed us to know that they have their own way not only ekso way….

This is that’s why when you told about you think that “s/m green light that ks will be back at acting and goes his own way distance of ex0″ and I think that esm pressed them to show us that they have own way that even they are not one at tomorrow but don’t worry about their future…. And I think esm pressed them to keep the range from ekso too….

And even I said I worry about ji’s career but I don’t think esm didn’t know what to do with him if we think that they don’t want to deal him with fenty that it’s a one of Rihanna’s business that has men cosmetic but can sent him to deal with nature re and gucci that main with girl cosmetic and fashion if we think they sent cy to Tommy Hilfiger that main men fashion…..

Some of my dumb cell think that they have many plans to do with him but him deny it until they prefer a good thing to soo too. Like a kind of exchange between them and esm….

Then if esm not send a good deal with soo… I no wonder to see ot2-6 again and again…..

About good deal… I not mean soo’s work because I don’t think he is so demanding if we think about his work with 100 day prince and that web drama series…. So, good deal is what I mean about their privacy…..

And if we think about not ot7 new work again after jk confirmed so,…..

I think I no wonder if jk issue has more toxic effect to kadi than we think.

Because if we think that it’s only real love between men idol x girl idol not fake issue to cover something like delulu shipper think that they want to cover that they are gay couple… Why did e xo especial soo become like this?

So, now I not worry about kadi work career only but I worry about e x o are one or not too…..

Sorry, if my bad bad dumb brain cell made you disappointed about my answered….

And hope you understand what I mean…… Tbh I want to talk with more detail than this about what I think but it’s hard to describe to easy understand in english…..

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argotmagazine-blog · 5 years

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Making Less Money than My Partner is Damaging My Self Esteem and Mental Health

Capitalism has a hold over each and every one of us. For most, it offers a grueling choice: be financially stable, or be happy. Unfortunately, not many people get to have both. I know I don’t.

I quit the world of ‘stable’ work back in 2014 when I decided to become a full-time freelance writer. By stable I mean it gave me a monthly pay cheque. I’d previously worked in retail and office environments, and both triggered severe depressive and anxious episodes for me. Verbal abuse from customers, long shifts that took time away from my university education.

I had panic attacks after sexist customers shouted at me for problems I had nothing to do with. One man called me a bitch for politely telling him the store was closing. Apparently the store “should have closed when he was done shopping.” I threw my back out several times being told to carry boxes much too heavy for my 5 foot 99 pound frame (yes, I lifted with my legs), which caused me to miss class more often than I should have. So not only was I getting physically and emotional damage from the work, I was also failing classes.

I didn’t feel like I was doing anything rewarding with my life either. I’d stopped writing since I didn’t have the time, and I was barely out in the sun for more than an hour or two per week. Needless to say the depression I thought was getting better, was pulling me back in. I dreaded going to work, and the mood swings began affecting everything and everyone around me.

All in all, it was just an awful time for me and for my existing mental illnesses.

I’d always been neurodivergent

I’ve had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety, and Depression for as long as I can remember. I don’t remember a time when my living situation didn’t exacerbate each of them. In fact, these conditions have always heavily affected my ability to work in public spaces. Though all of my service jobs gave me a good pay cheque, I knew if I didn’t quit immediately, I’d destroy my mental health.

That being said, the creative industry does not pay well, at the very least for emerging creatives. So in exchange for my mental safety, well-being, and happiness, I sacrificed my finances. I’ve never felt more relaxed, yet at the same time I’ve never felt so guilty. I also sacrificed the idea of financial equality between myself and my partner.

Hard work just never seems to be enough

As a neurodivergent queer writer who works solely from home, I made less than two grand last year. And this was working every single weekday on more or less a 9-5 schedule. As someone with a white collar office job, my boyfriend can make that amount in a couple of weeks. So needless to say, I’ve been dipping into my savings since my creative career began. It has also affected how I view myself as his girlfriend; I feel incredibly guilty that I can’t contribute to the household expenses as much as he can. It’s a vicious cycle where I feel guilty and financially unsafe, therefore my mental health suffers.

I’m not the only one living pay cheque to cheque. According to PayScale.com, a part-time freelance writer salary is put somewhere in the range of $24,000 – $115,000 per year. This doesn’t sound terrible at first for take home pay, but this doesn’t take into account the lack of medical insurance, pensions, and other benefits that affect quality of life built into a 9-5 income. Those statistics also don’t take into account how much less writers of color, LGBTQIAP+ writers, and disabled writers make. These numbers? Well they’re a lot smaller.

The 50% rule

That feeling of not being able to contribute more to the household expenses is a huge strain on my mental health. My OCD symptoms in particular have increased significantly ever since I started dipping into my savings.

During my time in retail my anxiety symptoms greatly outnumbered my OCD symptoms. I was prone to crying spells, my breathing became more laboured, and heart palpitations were plenty. OCD wise I was mostly having an issue with germaphobia, as the store warehouse was very dusty. But it wasn't until I began working from home when my symptoms became a lot more tourettic. I physically twitch a lot more, I act out more specific rituals more often - such as tapping things and experiencing constant intrusive paranoia thoughts about homelessness - and all in all I feel less control of my own body.

The anxiety created over being at home alone all day, and constantly fretting about money, manifests physically. In retail it almost didn't have a chance to manifest as often as I was too busy being yelled at or lifting impossibly heavy boxes.

At least being freelance, I feel less attacked and less stressed by the work itself. Actually, the work itself isn’t stressful at all. I adore writing, and I love social media strategy. So it always made more sense to me to do something I loved, even if it came at the cost of my finances. But in a way even this makes me feel guilty. The work isn’t stressful, but I make less money; is this even allowed? When there are people out there who would be in an even worse position than I if they quit their day jobs, why did I deserve to make that choice?

The guilt is real

For women and feminine people, this guilt is particularly tough considering society expects us to do twice as much as cishet men, for half the thanks.

My boyfriend doesn’t particularly like his job as he once described it as “it’s not terrible, but it’s sort of soul destroying.” This to me seemed like a massive contradiction in terms. But maybe he was being brave because he didn’t want to make me feel bad. We’ve discussed it a lot, but in a way I feel like he is also dealing with guilt of his own. That he feels he doesn’t have the right to complain because of his privileges. The fear that his own mental health is suffering from his work, in turn affects my own. It’s a Catch-22; I sense his anxiety, my anxiety spikes. My anxiety spikes; my OCD symptoms increase; my mood suffers. Then in turn, I can’t sleep, I get dizzy spells, and so on.

The desire to pay 50% of everything is strong, especially with a feminist partner such as myself. Personally I find myself trying to make up for it in other ways, by beating him to the dishes when we’ve finished dinner. Taking out the trash before he gets home, overly apologising for how the apartment isn’t 100% spotless. I know he’s had a long hard day in the office, so if I can’t give him 50% of the rent then I can sure as hell give him 100% of the housework. But that in and of itself seems so unfeminist to me. I’m taking time away from my own poorly paid work to spend extra time on the housework. I’m taking on the role of a housewife, rather than a partner. In a perfect world, I’d hope we could split all of that 50/50 too.

People don’t really understand

People kept telling me “You have a degree in psychology, why not do something in that field? And do writing on the side?” But why is my chosen career deemed as a hobby? I don’t want to ‘do it on the side.’

Creative jobs are always deemed no better than a hobby, but as soon as you become successful that’s suddenly not the case anymore. No one would tell the Russo brothers “Yeah the Avengers films are cool, but is it a realistic career? Why don’t you make the next one on the side of a bank job?” No one tells JK Rowling, “You’d be better getting a PHD, save the latest Harry Potter prequel for your free time!”

This is because they’ve already made it, and because the art these people create is already in the zeitgeist. Countless artists quit their day jobs to pursue a life of creation, it’s very common. And a lot of people make it big. JK Rowling, originally a single mother who lived on welfare benefits, is now said to earn a whopping £142 per minute from Harry Potter royalties.

These are special circumstances, and they often happen to people with (white cishet) privilege. The average artist, and particularly marginalised artists, wade through mountains of debt and awful pay cheques before they get anywhere. How much money these franchises eventually generate is a huge factor in how ‘valuable’ they are deemed.

But when it comes to up and coming artists, they’re suddenly all starving artists that are taking advantage of those around them. JK Rowling would have been deemed a so called welfare thief, if the world hadn’t fallen in love with the Boy Who Lived. And if Hollywood hadn’t seen what a great money making machine it turned out to be.

I just want to make a stable wage. I don’t need Harry Potter levels of fame and fortune. Yet it seems that is too much to ask.

So, what can I do now?

Luckily my partner understands that my career has to move slowly right now. So in order to help my anxiety, I know I have to get in that same mindset. Otherwise my symptoms will just get worse.

I don’t want to take advantage of my boyfriend, to pay only a quarter of the rent, I want to pay 50% of everything. We can share other responsibilities; the cooking, the cleaning, helping each other out emotionally. One day at a time. But until the industry pays better, and until my mental health sorts itself out, I just have to accept that this is all I can contribute financially. And that’s okay.

May is a feminist writer from the UK. She enjoys reading, gaming, and protesting.

#money #class #bisexuality #misogyny #love #non fiction #sexism #home #work #career

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