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thekidultlife · 4 years

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I Want Your Midnights | Lee Jihoon

Pairing: Jihoon x fem!reader

⍟ AU: Idol AU (?)

⍟ Genre: Fluff, a bit of angst on the side

⍟ Warnings: -

⍟ Word Count: 4.3k

⍟ A/N: Alright I know you guys are already sick of me just posting Jihoon fics, but it’s my birthday today, so just...humor me pls. This is almost a self-indulgent fic;;; I’ll be tagging @nrhfzh and all those jihoon stans who sent anons last time!!

(this should be posted on Friday which is Leanne’s schedule, but we decided she won’t post anything this week and I won’t post next Moday;;;)

btw, the song featured here is New Year’s Day by Taylor Swift. I recommend you listen to that song while reading this skkssk

-Hyeri

It was like an ordinary night. Like any night that you have spent before and will spend more in the future. Nothing extraordinary could be noted in particular between you and Lee Jihoon as you both sat eating in the quiet and privacy of his studio, between out of place candles and almost empty chicken buckets. It was as normal as a night can be.

Yet at the same time, in your own little way, it was also special.

Not being overly expressive with your love for each other, subtle gestures and acts of love screamed more than a thousand words could ever do. It never felt lacking or boring or empty like people thought it would be. In fact, your relationship was an adventure, even barely starting, it had been an uphill battle, and you both knew that.

As you came back from the comfort room washing your hands, you made a small scheming grin at your boyfriend who was still gobbling up the last remains of his chicken wing. Taking notice of that, he glanced at you with a smirk of his own.

"I know that look. What are you planning?" He asked as you sat across him, your arms folded confidently.

"Are you done eating?" You replied, watching him with a childish cheekiness in you.

"Well yeah," he dusted off the crumbs on his shirt with an innocent look. "What are you thinking though?"

With a coquettish smile, you stood up from your seat and went to his side. "Nothing really. Though I do want you to close your eyes and trust me."

Jihoon glanced at you with a bewildered look at first, wondering what you were scheming again this time, but when he saw that mischievous glint in your eyes, he knew it was something he shouldn't really worry about and simply chuckled at you.

"Fine, but don't do any funny business!" He finally agreed as he closed his eyes and waited for you.

He could hear you walking away and some wheels rolling. "I've never done any funny business." You denied teasingly.

He scoffed, even with his eyes closed. "Yeah right. Except that time when you drew on my face when I was drunk!"

He knew you were making an incredulous expression right now.

"C'mon! I was just trying to see what you would look like with a mustache," you laughed, walking towards him and reaching for his hands. "Don't open your eyes yet. I promise I won't draw a third eye on your forehead this time."

"Please don't. And please stop sharing meme faces of me to the other members. My reputation as vocal boss is on the line," he retorted back with a toothy grin as you chuckled, guiding him somewhere in the room.

"Can't promise that, Ji. I like my status as the official Lee Jihoon meme distributor," you replied, making him laugh out loud at how ridiculous that title was, before the both of you stopped walking. "You can sit now. I promise there's a chair to catch your butt."

For a while he feared that there really wasn't any chair for him to sit on, yet when he felt the soft foam of his swivel chair, he relaxed for a bit and sat down. Turning the chair around before you backed away, you allowed him to finally open his eyes. As soon as his sight came back, he was greeted by the image of you sitting in front of the electric keyboard with a soft smile on your lips.

"I can't promise you my voice or my playing would be up to your standards, but just…it's the thought that counts right?" You suddenly rambled, giggling.

Blinking, Jihoon was still processing what you were planning until it dawned on him the next second. "Are….are you going to sing me a song?"

You smiled at him bashfully. "Yeah, though I wish it was a song that I made myself, but I guess I'll put my feelings into somebody else's words for now. So you better listen."

Gazing into your eyes, he could sense the sincerity deep in you. You were someone who wouldn't make an effort just for the sake of being romantic. Everything you do for him meant something and was done with great consideration, he understood that, that's why right now, he could feel his heart swell with emotion.

A gentle smile on his lips, Jihoon leaned back. "I'll listen. Don't worry, I won't judge."

“You promised that, okay?” With a sheepish grin, you turned your attention back to the piano and placed your fingers on the correct chords.

With a small nervous breath, you began playing.

"There's glitter on the floor after the party

Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby…"

Soft chords accentuate your raw and amateur voice. It didn't need to be technically perfect, the genuine emotions which surfaced on your voice reflected beauty in Jihoon's ears. It didn't need to be perfect, but it was real. He always loved that about you. Your brutal honesty, the unapologetic optimism you had. It gives him strength to look forward to another day.

He remembered as he watched your fingers dance on the keys, the first time you met. It wasn't that special. He just saw you on the internet as he monitored his own social media presence, posting stuff about Seventeen and what not. He found your comments funny, your reactions interesting, that he found himself going through your posts every day. He knew he'd love to be your friend if he could.

Yet being an idol wasn't easy. You were so close yet so far away. It wasn’t as easy as typing the words ‘hey i wanna be your friend’ to just another person. His name held weight and Jihoon knew that. With his workload and all the responsibilities he had in his hands, he just couldn’t tell you what he felt. As he listened to your voice reverberating with the acoustics of his studio, he remembered how it took him years to finally stir up the courage and to finally see the opportunity to talk to you.

He was glad he did. If he hadn’t, his heart wouldn’t feel as full as it has been since he met you.

“If you’re really Woozi of Seventeen, then post a picture of yourself in Weverse and in the captions write what’s the last anime you’ve watched.” Jihoon remembered you telling him over chat, it was nerve-wracking back then but it felt silly now. Of course, you can’t just trust a random person claiming himself to be an idol. There were a lot of those these days.

“Let’s be friends first,” you wrote to him with a heart and a smiley face emoji back then. “I want to get to know you.”

“Don't read the last page, but I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away…”

Jihoon gazed at you, even then and until now, you were still beautiful in his eyes. No matter how many songs he’d composed about you, the emotions that reside in his chest would never run dry. The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you’d do just about anything—he only had you in his eyes. Yet things weren’t always roses and butterflies.

You were so frustrated at him at that time when he had gotten scared of his own emotions. Jihoon knew, deep inside, that he had grown to love you over chats on SNS; your witty sarcasm and wonderful conversations were like water and sunlight to the love growing, rooting deeper and deeper into his heart.

He wasn’t unfamiliar to this feeling, yet he had been betrayed by this same emotion in the past and he wished he’d never had to be again this time. He was frightened that you could easily leave him, broken and empty, like the others did. Admittingly, he had lost hope for a love that was unconditional. He didn’t believe that there would be anyone out there who could love him wholeheartedly as much as he did, even through his flaws and his mistakes.

But you suddenly popped into his life, unaware of how much power you hold over him.

“You annoy me so much!” you told him over one fateful video call. “Jihoon, I feel so confused, you know? What am I really to you? Do you want to be just friends or do you want something more? If you want to stay as friends, then fine! I won’t force you. But that doesn’t mean I’d wait for you forever when you’re ready to take this to another step.”

He didn’t enjoy fighting with you. Not at all. Yet he was scared and stuck and didn’t know what to do. Being more meant more risks of hurting you unintentionally.

“But I can’t decide, Y/N! Dating means people will talk, and I don’t want them to talk about you! But I can’t just make everything I feel about you disappear!” he replied, and you were taken aback. “But if letting you go is the price I have to pay for your peace, then I don’t mind hurting.”

Tears were already threatening to slide down your cheeks, and if only you knew how much it pained him to see you like that back then. To hear you trip on your words, to hold back small sobs as you tried to find coherent words to keep the conversation going, it felt like a thousand knives piercing through him.

“Stop that…please. Do you think I won’t feel anything when you say that?” you replied. “Jihoon, I can understand where you’re coming from but don’t ever think that you’re the only one carrying this relationship, or whatever this is. For this to work, you have to share your burdens with me, you have to trust me, to depend on me.”

“I know that all your life, you’re used to doing everything by yourself, and I’m no different. We’ve achieved so many things just by ourselves. But we can’t be like this forever. A relationship isn’t just you or just me. It’s us both. So lean on me, let me carry those heavy feelings and I’d do the same with you. I want this to work, Jihoon. I don’t want to give up.”

Even if it was only through some shitty PC screen that he could see you, it didn’t diminish the weight of those words. He could feel it back then, he could still feel it right now as you played on the piano, singing a simple song—you were the one he wanted, tomorrow and forevermore.

“You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi, I can tell that it's going to be a long road…”

Jihoon would forever be thankful for you. Everything that you did for him, even if unintentionally on your part. He couldn’t admit how much he appreciates you in his life—through early morning calls when you were still far apart, and now through your warm presence in his studio as he worked.

“I’m considering moving there in the next year or so,” you suddenly told him over a phone call as you did your work. “Now that I’m breaking through the Korean webcomic scene, I think it’s better to stay close to my audience. And I think it’s better that we can finally be together, geographically at least.”

He could still remember it as fresh as that day. His heart began beating so fast, a wide grin broke out on his lips. He was worried that it’ll be too much for you to handle, but he had learned as your relationship progressed, that you’re someone who doesn’t get pushed back by hurdles so easily. Besides, you had him.

Jihoon was glad that he can now keep you closer more than ever.

It wasn’t easy, like everything else in life. But there was nothing the both of you couldn’t handle. It took so much silence and deception to hide your relationship from the public—a decision the both of you agreed upon long before. Jihoon knew that the both of you were private people, and more than anything, you didn’t want anyone to become privy to your intimate relationships.

For the first time, in such a long time, Jihoon was able to hold you close. Gazing at you, at your real eyes, at that time, felt surreal. Jihoon always thought he knew almost everything about you, yet he had never anticipated that there were still a lot of things about you which he hadn’t discovered yet.

He never had thought how warm your touch was, how bright your grin was when you were scheming some prank, how loud your voice got when you were so passionate about something, how soft your lips were when you finally kissed for the first time. No matter how much technology brought you two together, nothing compared to actual, real life affection shared between lovers.

“I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe or if you strike out and you're crawling home...”

Jihoon remembers, as you sang, how you silently embraced him on nights when he felt the world was too heavy on his shoulders. You wouldn’t say anything to him until he would open up; patiently waiting as you tapped an irregular beat on his back. As easily as that, you’d erase all the stress that he had accumulated over time.

You didn’t need to say anything grand or moving, or make all of his problems disappear. Your simple gestures were already enough. You were already enough for him.

“I don’t deserve you, Y/N,” he whispered to you one night as he buried his face on your shoulder. “You’re everything that I want, but I’m not sure if I’m giving you everything that you want.”

You giggled, sighing as you brushed your fingers through his newly dyed hair.

“You don’t have to worry, Jihoon. You’ve given me so much that you never even realized it.”

He pouted, not liking how vague you were. “Like what?”

“Aren’t you just conveniently forgetting how many songs you’ve written for me?” you replied, a smirk on your lips as you twirled a lock of his around your finger.

“But…those are just songs! It’s not as special as the things you’ve done for me…”

“Don’t underestimate them, Ji,” you told him as you pulled back, cupping his cheeks and looking into his eyes. “I know how important music is to you, how it’s an extension of your feelings, and to be a part of it is something I’d consider meaningful.”

For a moment, Jihoon gazed at you; his eyes holding so much emotion. There it was that he knew—he was truly, deeply, madly in love with you.

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you…”

Feeling a strong urge, he leaned into you, capturing your lips into a deep and passionate kiss. Everything, everything that he felt for you at that time, he poured into that kiss, making you gasp for air. You cling to him for support, wholly surprised at his sudden intensity, yet not unwelcome at all.

As the both of you pulled away, Jihoon once again returned to your arms, allowing himself to be vulnerable before you.

“I truly don’t deserve you,” he whispered on your shoulder..

“After that incredible kiss?” you teased, “Statement denied.”

Jihoon groaned and you chuckled.

“I know you’re overthinking again, so I’ll say it clearly. You’re more than I ever wanted, Lee Jihoon.”

You paused, patting his head, tightening your arms around him.

“Whenever you call just to check up on me despite your busy schedule, whenever you share funny stories about the members, whenever you act cute and pouty when I ask you to do aegyo for me…what else…?”

He grunted disapprovingly at your comment and you giggled. “I don’t act cute.”

“You do, you know? You’re naturally and inherently cute,” you replied. “You’re cute when you make ramyeon for me even when I just eat the noodles, you’re cute when you offer to hold my bag or open the door for me, or when you insist on paying for dinner, and you’re so cute when you hold me close whenever I feel down and insecure about myself and my work.”

Jihoon was silent, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. He thought you didn’t really catch on those little things he did, but he had underestimated your memory and your powers of observation.

“There’s a lot more I can say, you know? I should make a list for you and maybe stick it on your desk whenever you begin to question yourself again.”

He snorted. “No, thank you. The members would see it and I don’t want them to.”

“I’ll do it when you annoy me,” you joked, despite your words. “Now, I hope I’ve reassured your worries for tonight.”

Snuggling against your shoulder, Jihoon smiled. “Yeah, thank you.”

“Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere…”

As your words fell like chants into his ears, Jihoon was mesmerized by the image of you singing, his eyes wandering. A bitter memory relapsed into his mind, and a reminder that not everything was golden in your paradise.

It was a cold January night, snow had finally ceased falling at one in the morning. The both of you were inside his studio just like normal; a habit the two of you took comfort in. He was holding your hand tight, keeping it warm with his hands in his pocket, as you scrolled on your phone.

For a while, it felt normal. The sounds of the clock ticking, the gentle thrumming of your heartbeat, the soft breaths you both shared. Yet, just like that, everything gradually became colder. It wasn’t the actual temperature, but your mood as he watched your expression turn from amused to a deadpan frown.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, kissing your temple. For some reason, he had developed a rather intuitive connection with you over time, where he can easily sense your change of moods despite your lack of expression.

You sighed as you looked up, leaning against him. He wondered if you were pondering on telling him the truth, or just keep your thoughts hidden. Before he could actually express to you his own thoughts, you sighed and nestled yourself on his shoulder, closing your eyes.

“Jihoon, is this all a mistake?” you asked, your voice small.

He blinked, furrowing his brow at the complex question. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve read a few things online.”

It was a simple thing to say, yet Jihoon immediately knew what you were talking about. With a sigh, he adjusted his position where he could wrap his arms around you tightly.

“People always talk, Y/N. We can’t do anything about it but continue living our own lives and ignore them.”

“But what if they reveal our relationship as a scandal and you’re forced to leave Seventeen? They could do that so easily, you know!” You asked with a weak voice, clinging to him tightly. “I don’t want that to happen. I’ll never let that happen, Jihoon!”

“Then we’ll announce before they do,” he easily replied, brushing his fingers through your hair. “Have you forgotten how strong the relationship between Carats and Seventeen is? Of course, some will react negatively, but I know that they would be accepting.”

Once more, Jihoon heard you sigh. “Sometimes I feel like I’m just being selfish by being with you. A lot of people look up to you, Ji, and they all want a piece of your world. I don’t want to be possessive of you but sometimes I just question myself, like what if this is wrong? What if this was a mistake?”

Gazing into your eyes, Jihoon felt all of your concerns. It was already given that dating an idol would be hard, and moments of weakness like these could make your anxieties grow into deeper, darker shadows.

“It’s gonna be weird for me to say this but it’s ok to be selfish,” he told you, his words firm and certain. “Oh god, how do I say this…but look, Y/N, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with me. We’re a couple, and that’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with being a couple.”

“But you’re an idol! If they knew, people would say a lot of bad things about you, and I don’t want that!”

“No matter how many times they say I’m an idol, I’m a human being, first and foremost, and just like everybody else, I have my own personal life which doesn’t revolve around my job. People will always say a lot of bad things about me no matter what I do, but what’s important to me is that I have you by my side, I have everyone by my side. So don’t ever think that this is wrong. You and I are never wrong. Who are they to judge what is wrong or right for me when they don’t know who I am?”

Jihoon realized that after his speech, you turned silent, and instead buried yourself deeper against his chest.

“You’re important to me, Y/N. What other people say doesn’t matter to me anymore. As long as you’re here with me, I’m able to do anything.”

In a quiet voice, Jihoon caught your words. “Thank you for this, Ji…”

“But I stay when it's hard or it's wrong or we’re making mistakes…”

There was always a strange quality to time whenever he was with you. Sometimes time would slow down, sometimes it would pass by in just a blink of an eye. As he began to reminisce instead of actually listening, he realized just how much time had passed between the both of you.

“I want your midnights, but I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day…”

On that certain night, when the both of you were wrapped between sheets, when the bright lights of Seoul reflected on the stark white ceiling, when you were tangled in each others arms, listening to your own fast paced heartbeats after a long night, he remembers you pulling him close, brushing stray locks from his face.

“Jihoon...” you whispered under your breath, your fingers tracing circles on his cheekbones then down his jaw and to his lips. “You’re very handsome, did you know that?”

He smirked at you, placing a chaste kiss on your lips. “What? You still haven’t gotten enough?”

In an instant your face heated up as you hit his toned chest playfully, making Jihoon laugh. “Ehh...! Don’t mention that now!”

As his devious eyes turned soft, he smiled at you, wrapping his arms around your waist. “What is it then?”

You sighed, gazing at the ceiling. “I just thought that someday, I know, things wouldn’t be this way anymore.The spark wouldn’t be as strong as before, the butterflies will eventually disappear. Things would become mundane between us...”

There was a melancholic tone in your words; a detail which hadn’t escape his attention. Yet Jihoon knew that what you were talking about was reality. As the both of you would eventually be consumed by work, by responsibilities, by day to day obligations, it wasn’t a far off thought that the way you felt for each other would turn dim. He knew that, and he feared it.

“But, you know...” you continued, breaking him away from his own thoughts. “Even if that happens, I’m not scared. Even if love do fail us someday, I’m confident that we would still be together, that we can still fix it. Rather than lovers who’re friends, we’re friends who became lovers. Even if you and I will eventually drift off, we still have a strong friendship. And we can rebuild everything from there.”

Jihoon oftentimes wondered how you’re able to get these epiphanies. Your mind was deep and thoughtful, and that was one of the things he loved about you. Conversations with you were never dull as you bounced off ideas at one another. You would always say well-said ideas, often describing how he feels better than he ever will.

“I want to share exciting things with you, Jihoon. I want to be helplessly all over you. I want to feel aroused, flustered, or dying of laughter. But when things get boring or nothing is really happening, or when we have to face bills, chores, or responsibilities, I’ll stay with you.”

A hundredfold, you were better at making him feel loved. He admits that.

“You know, sometimes, I wonder what I’ve done in my past life for you to choose me,” he replied, a wide grin plastered on his face. “You’re everything that I could ever ask for, Y/N. Even if you don’t have to, you still take care of me so much. I swear I’ll make you happy even if I have to walk through fire or sleep on nails.”

“I don’t think that’ll make me very happy,” you replied, grinning. “But...wanna know what else that could make me happy?”

Jihoon arched an elegant brow at you, his lips curving into a smirk. Ah yes, he definitely knows. “I was absolutely right when I said you still haven’t had enough.”

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you…”

Thinking of how much time has passed, how much the two of you had been through, almost left him in tears. The memories the both of you shared over the years was incredible that it was hard to let them go.

As he watched you finally sing the last few seconds of the song, Jihoon was sure that this moment would become another beautiful memory he would reminisce about one day in the future. It filled his heart, thinking about a pleasant future with you. A long time ago he had sang a song—doubting what kind of future was in store for him, yet now he already knows that it was something bigger, more beautiful that he had ever expected.

“Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you…”

As the final chord resounded across the room, both your eyes met in soft glances. You smiled at him, the sweetest, most loving smile you could ever muster, and then finally sang:

“...And I will hold on to you.”

Allowing the note to dissipate and disappear, you then turned to Jihoon with a bashful smile on your lips. “Well? Did you like your surprise?”

Already a blushing mess, Jihoon simply burst out giggling as you looked at him in confusion.

“Ya! Why are you laughing?” you exclaimed as you sulked, pulling on the sleeve of his shirt.

Still chuckling, he stood up, pulling you towards his arms as he captured you in a tight embrace. He felt at peace with you more than anywhere.

As it was apparent to you that he was in a rather good mood, you made a bemused smile as you wrapped your arms around him, also laughing on your own.

“What’s gotten into you now?” You asked as he pulled away, now able to gaze into your eyes.

“Nothing. I just thought you’re absolutely cute,” he replied as he cupped your cheeks, squishing them much to your chagrin.

“Seriously, Jihoon! Why’re you so happy?”

“Am I not allowed to be happy now?” he replied, his eyes turning into crescents.

You raised your brows at him with a grin. “You like my song, didn’t you?”

“And what if I did? It was a really nice song, you know.”

This time, it was your turn to burst out into giggles. It was hilarious how Jihoon was being so roundabout with admitting that he liked it; it was incredibly adorable.

“You’re so cute, Hoonie~”

It was no secret that he doesn’t appreciate being cooed at, as he made a small frown upon hearing your nickname for him.

“Now I don’t think I’m so happy anymore.”

“Oh c’mon!” You hit his chest lightly with a chuckle. “Tell me what you really think about it!”

His eyes filled to the brim with endearment for you, Jihoon stared into your eyes, trying to communicate how much he was so thankful that you entered his life.

“I like it. I love it, Y/N,” he replied, caressing your cheek. “It made me remember everything we’ve been through, and how much we’ve grown together.”

“And we’ll continue to the next year and in the future. Thank you for giving me your midnights, Jihoon.”

“My midnights would always be yours, as you will always be my mornings,” he gave you another embrace, embedding the feel of your skin against his, the way your hair brushes through his hands, the sound of your voice and the your scent—he will burn them all into his head so he won’t ever forget how much he loves you.

There were so many words that he could say so he could just express how he was thankful that you became a part of his life, yet none of them seemed fitting to say at that moment. Instead, as Jihoon finally decided upon, that it was best to leave them for future songs and say the words that he really wanted to say for such a long time now.

“I love you.”

-Hyeri

#seventeen #svtcreations #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #seventeen fluff #seventeen angst #seventeen woozi #lee jihoon

76 notes · View notes

rabbiaharon · 7 years

Text

Purim: The Extended Universe

BS"D

I would like to explain the story of Purim briefly (i’ll do my best to stay brief!) according to Midrash Rabbah. The following post will not be including details from the talmud or other midrashim, with the exception of Seder Olam Rabbah (a historical text which I will use to help outline the time frame of the story). I’m mentioning this particularly because sometimes the Midrash will argue on the talmud about specific details of the Story, and before people send me “It didn’t happen that way, it happened such and such a way, it says so in Tractate Megillah”, the Midrash Rabbah may disagree, and they both have an aspect of truth to them. In addition, I will be trying to stay (mostly) within the physical reasons for everything, rather than expounding on all the MANY conversations between angels, prophets, and G-d which took place during the time of the Megillah, which are recorded in Midrash Rabbah. It’s not that they’re not relevant - on the contrary, they’re a vital part of the story. However, my goal here is to tell over the story of Purim with a little bit of extra historical background, which is brought in midrash, rather than explaining what was going on above to warrant the sequence of events as they happened - that will be for another post. In addition, I will be only filling up until the point where Haman himself gets executed, the point at which everything turned over in favor of the Jewish people. Get ready to reel.

First, I would like to outline what happened before the Megillah starts.

Around 48 years prior, Nebucadnezzer destroyed the temple in Jerusalem, and sent the Jews into exile. At the end of that time, after the death of Nebucadnezzer, Belshatzar was the king, and he made a great feast using the vessels and tools from the Temple, and afterwards was killed. His kingdom collapsed, and dissolved into a series of warring city-states, with tremendous political instability and rife poverty. Immediately after the collapse, many jews went back to the Land of Israel, and began to build the temple in Jerusalem.

There was a certain very wealthy man, a billionaire of sorts - and a man who was driven entirely by lusts and egotism-, whose name was Achashveirosh (Ahashueris), who had quite a bit of influence in a small area with around 7 provinces. He decided to go for the gold - and used his influence within that small area to capture 20 more provinces which surrounded a large uncaptured area in the center (100 provinces), and after he had established his influence there, he orchestrated a political takeover of the 100 provinces in the center (According to Rebbi Nechemiah in Midrash Rabbah).

He established himself as king, and married Queen Vashti, who was the grandaughter (and last in the line) of Nebucadnezzer. Shortly after he became king, he had a vision - a dream of sorts - that a jew would take over his throne, and so he became paranoid with regards to the jewish people, constantly keeping an eye on them. Vashti and Haman took advantage of this fact; They came to him and said “These jews rebelled against Nebucadnezzer, and he destroyed their temple, and if you let them rebuild it, they’ll rebel against you.” As a result, Achashveirosh made a decree to prevent the building of the Temple in Jerusalem.

The megillah begins in the third year of Achashveirosh’s rule, with him throwing a big party. The reason for the party is a matter of dispute - according to one opinion it was to celebrate the completion of his throne (a pretty detailed piece of art he commissioned), and another opinion claims it was to celebrate 3 years since the temple’s construction was stopped. Either way, he presented the spoils of the Temple as decorations at the party, which lasted between 180 days and 14 months (according to the opinion who said that it lasted 14 months, it started earlier, and ended in the third year of his rule). During that party he did many things in order to prove his wealth - including presenting a list of daily expenditures to give us all an idea of how wealthy he was. Hmmmm.

At the end of the party, while he was drunk, he and (some of) his ministers were bragging about their wives. Achashveirosh said that he has a more beautiful wife than all of them, a Babylonian (they were all married to Persians or Midias), and they wanted to see her beauty. So Achashveirosh ordered that she appear in front of the men, almost completely naked - just wearing the royal crown, so that everyone would know that she was the queen. First, she asked to appear scantily clad - as opposed to naked, then when he refused, she asked to appear not wearing the royal crown, so that she could later deny that it was her - and he refused. As such, she refused altogether - an action that the Midrash praises as modest. However, Achashveirosh in his drunken stupor, got angry, and asked his ministers what should be done with her. A certain individual named Memuchan (who we learn in midrash was actually Haman) spoke up (for a variety of stupid personal reasons, either she didnt invite his wife to her womens’ only party, or she was slapping him in the face with a sandal, or because he had a daughter he wanted to marry to Achashveirosh) and claimed that Vashti should be killed, and replaced by a Queen more fitting for the position. She was executed naked, via stoning, and on Shabbos. The midrash comments that the reason for her punishment to be exactly as such (speaking here about what the spiritual cause is) is because she forced Jewish women to do work on Shabbos (where the punishment is stoning), and naked. As a result, she was punished in in kind.

As the king’s anger subsided, he realized what he had done - wrongfully executing his wife for a ridiculous and unwarranted reason, and he asked his ministers to come up with a plan to find another wife for him. They sent out letters to bring all of the young women under his rule for a gigantic beauty pageant, during which he would evaluate each one to see if she was going to be the one for him to marry. Sounds rather familiar.

There was a Jewish man (from the tribe of Benjamin, not from the tribe of Judah) living in Shushan the Capitol, and his name was Mordechai. Mordechai was not just any Jew, but he was the accepted leader of the entire Jewish people - the head of the Sanhedrin. He (and Esther too!) were both from the Royal line of Saul - direct descendents of the first appointed King of Israel. So in many ways, Esther was a princess a long time before she was married to Achashveirosh. Mordechai was also a general in Achashveirosh’s army, and had quite a bit of influence in the non-jewish Royal Court (Although I should mention that he had NO part whatsoever in the incident with Vashti). He raised Esther - because she was an orphan - and he was hid her from the agents of Achashveirosh, for almost 4 years. In the 7th year of Achashveirosh’s rule (and 4 years after the beginning of the Megillah - according to Seder Olam Rabbah), Esther became the Queen of Modai, and the wife of Achashveirosh. While she did hide the fact that she was Jewish, there was a thought bouncing around among the royal court that she was. Since she behaved like a queen, even before she became the queen - her behavior was naturally Royal, they believed that she must have come from a royal line going back much further than the Babylonian Exile. But the only recognizable Royal lines from back then, which were still intact (more or less), Since Sancheriv mixed up all of the peoples, were that of Vashti (which was terminated at the beginning of Megillah), and those descended from David, and those Descended from Saul (both of them Jewish Royal lines). Regarding halachic issues involved - the midrash rabbah does not address the issue of having relations with Achashveirosh, but it does suggest that Esther had a child with Achashveirosh, a son, who would be the crown prince and Heir to the throne. The midrash does, however, address that since Achashveirosh was driven almost entirely by lusts, Hashem only gave him the lust for relations when Esther was outside of menstruation (According to the Etz Yosef’s commentary on Midrash).

Shortly after Esther became queen, 3 things happened:

1) Haman was promoted to be the head over all the generals and second to the king. There is a difference of opinion as to why this happened. The midrash rabbah says that he found the storehouses of treasure left behind by the kings of Judah, and so he became very wealthy, very quickly. He then bribed Achashveirosh to promote him. Seder Olam Rabbah claims that the reason is because killing Vashti (Haman’s Idea!) resulted in Esther becoming the Queen, and Esther was SOOOOOO much better than Vashti.

2) Mordechai caught 2 soldiers of the King, Bigsana and Teresh, plotting to assassinate Achashveirosh. Mordechai sent a message to Esther, who informed the king of the plot. Bigsana and Teresh were executed, and Achashveirosh wrote down in his book of remembrances that he owed a favor to Mordechai the Jew.

3) Achashveirosh made a decree that anyone who comes to his presence without being called will be executed.

Right after Haman gained power, he began to nag Achashveirosh about getting rid of the Jews. Achashveirosh’s response was generally “I hate them too, but we won’t be able to succeed, look what happened to all of these other kings who started up with them”. However, Achashveirosh did order that everyone in the country should bow down to Haman. Haman tattooed upon himself many forms of idol worship, in order that anyone who bowed down to him would be bowing down to idolatry. When Mordechai, being the leader of the Jewish people, refused to bow down to Haman, the rest of the Jews followed suit, refusing to bow down. Haman became angrier every time, and continued to nag achashveirosh to conduct a genocide. After 5 years of nagging (bringing us to the 9th year since the Megillah started, and the 12th year of Achashveirosh’s rule), he decided to make a meeting with the UN - yep, you heard that right, an organization of all the leaders of non-jewish countries in the world that come together to bash the jews, that’s pretty familiar - to give Haman a platform to speak. Haman gave a long speech, filled with historical revisionism (antisemites now are just copycat criminals - they get it from Haman), painting Pharaoh as the hero for enslaving the jews, Amalek as the hero for standing up against them, etc, etc going down the line. He convinced them to go against G-d by claiming that the G-d who drowned Pharaoh in the sea had already become old and powerless - after all, look at what happened to his Temple, and his people are still in exile. Haman met afterwards with Achashveirosh and “bought” the jewish people -bought their lives- from him for 10,000 silver coins.

After this, Haman conspired with Achashveirosh JUST TO MAKE SURE that the Jews wouldn’t have any help from above. He made another party (according to some meforshim, and according to others a detail from the original party, but that leaves difficulties and so...), and invited the jews of Shushan - but this time he brought in prostitutes and idol worship to make them sin - an idea he got from Bilam in the Chumash. Mordechai saw this, and told the Jewish people not to attend, but they didn’t listen to Mordechai - they went, they got drunk, and they sinned, and this caused a decree from above against them.

Now, this was within the first half of the month of Nissan, shortly before Pesach. Mordechai sent a message to Esther about the decree, and she asked them to fast and pray for her 3 days, before she would go in to see the king, violating the King’s decree that nobody should come to see him without being called. They fasted and prayed for 3 days - including the First day of Pesach, on which Esther went in to see the king, and ask him and Haman to come to a little party she would host, where she intended to get the king drunk, in order that he would be angered easily, and then expose Haman’s plot to kill the jewish people, including herself… and including her son, the crown prince. She went to the king on the first day of Pesach, and asked him to attend her party, with Haman (who was present, and overjoyed to hear that the Queen wanted HIM to attend her party)

In the meantime, Haman went to consult his wife about how to deal with Mordechai in particular. His wife, Zeresh, was an “expert” in plotting and planning, and particularly when it had to do with the Jews. She said that he would need to find a way to execute him which G-d had not clearly saved someone before. He couldn’t drown Mordechai, because Moshe was already saved from that fate in the basket on the river. He couldn’t throw him in a pit with scorpions and snakes, because Yosef was already saved from that fate. He couldn’t throw him into a fiery furnace, because Chanania, Mishael, and Azarya were already saved from that fate. She said that the only way he would have success is to hang him on a gallows, which he made 50 cubits tall, symbolically referring to the 50 levels of understanding which the jews reached by the Giving of the torah - in a way saying to G-d, “Choose me instead of them.” He went to the king late into the night, to ask for permission to execute Mordechai.

That night, Achashveirosh’s sleep was disturbed, he dreamt that night that Haman was standing over him with a sword to kill him. He awoke with a start, and just then, his servants came in and announced that Haman was waiting for him in the Courtyard. He thought to himself “this dream is true, he’s only come to kill me”. Then he said “Bring my book of remembrances”. The servants brought it, and read inside that he owed a favor to Mordechai the jew, for saving his life. Haman then came in, to ask Achashveirosh for permission to hang Mordechai. The king asked Haman - what should be done for a man whom the king wants to honor. Haman - as it states in megillah- thought that Achashveirosh was referring to him, and said “take the king’s robes, and the king’s crown, and dress this man, then parade him down the street on the king’s horse, announcing ‘this is what is done for a person whom the king desires to honor’”. The king realized that Haman was speaking regarding himself, and hearing that Haman wanted to don the royal crown validated his fears that his dream was true. He said “If that is the case, take the royal robes, and put them on Mordechai the Jew, and do as you said, parade him around on the King’s horse, and announce 'this is what is done for a man the king wants to honor’”. Haman then went to find Mordechai.

Mordechai was sitting in the study hall teaching Torah, and learning with his students. Because who is the leader of the jewish people, if not a modest teacher? Two of the students came in, and said “Haman is here to see you.” Mordechai exclaimed to his students “Run! leave here now, because Haman has come to kill me, leave so you are not burned by my coals.”

His students replied “No, Rebbi. If you will die here, we will die with you.”

He responded “If that is the case, stand for prayer now, and you will die during prayer.” Shortly afterwards, the students finished their prayers, and they sat down to learn. They began learning the halachos of the Omer offering - the barley offering which was offered on that day - the second day of Pesach. Haman came in, and he asked them what they were learning.

They said “We are learning the laws of the Omer offering”.

He asked “Is this omer given of silver, or of gold” - he thought, it must be something expensive, because it outweighed my 10,000 silver coins.

They responded “It isn’t of silver, and not of gold… and not even of wheat! It is offered from barley.”

He inquired back, “If that is the case, the omer measure must be huge, to be worth 10 kantarin (10,000 silver coins)”

“No,” they answered “Even 10 maneh (relatively speaking, a very small amount of money) would suffice.”

“I see,” Haman said “So your 10 maneh of barley has been victorious over my 10,000 silver coins”

He came to Mordechai who was sitting and learning, and he pushed at him the royal garments, and said “Don these”. Mordechai answered “Why are you going to profane the royal garments! I’ve been fasting and growing out my hair for 3 days (and not bathing either, as was the custom in intense and serious fasts).” In short, he got Haman himself (an expert in these particular things) to sponge-bathe him, cut his hair and clean him up, and then he climbed onto Haman’s back in order to get onto the horse (Mordechai was in his 70’s at least at that point, if not much older. He relied on Haman’s fear of what Achashveirosh would do to him if he let anything bad happen to Mordechai, directly against the King’s orders). Haman paraded him around Shushan, announcing “This! This is what is done for a man whom the king wishes to honor”. Haman went home, head hung, and upset. For 2 reasons - the simple reason, because of what had happened with Mordechai, and the deeper reason, because when his daughter saw/heard what had happened, she committed suicide.

Haman’s wife told him “If he’s from the seed of Ya'akov, once you’ve begun to fall in front of him, there’s no more hope.” No sooner had she said it, then Achashveirosh’s officers came to bring Haman to Esther’s party. After Achashveirosh was sufficiently drunk, she told him “There is a man who is plotting to kill me, my son (the crown prince, remember) and all of my people… and it’s Haman”

Achashveirosh realized 2 things at that moment: 1) Esther was jewish… and so was his child. The dream he had so many years before, that a jew would take over his throne? That jew would be his own son. and 2) His dream from the previous night, in which Haman was standing over him with a sword was also true- Haman’s plot was to kill the crown prince, and the queen, effectively ending Achashveirosh’s line of succession. Achashveirosh got up in his anger and went out to the garden, where he saw someone (in this case, Michoel the Angel, in the form of one of Haman’s sons) cutting down trees in the garden, and when he saw that his garden was being destroyed by one of Haman’s sons, he became even angrier. In the meantime, Gavriel the Angel pushed Haman down onto the bed where Esther was sitting, as he was begging for mercy from her, and when the king got back, and saw Haman on Esther’s bed, he became even angrier. Chorbona (Who in this case was Eliyahu HaNavi, according to midrash rabbah), one of the ministers, said “If this is the case, you should hang him on the Gallows which he prepared for Mordechai.” And so it was.

In the merit of telling over the story of Purim again, and learning Midrash Rabbah, we should be taken immediately out of Exile, without any further delay!

–Aro the Jew

P.S. this is the longest post I’ve ever put on tumblr.

#purim #divrei torah #tw genocide #tw suicide #history #midrash rabbah #judaism #religion #hashem is in charge #extra points if you get the political hints and parallels to the federal botch in 2017

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