#like remember the episode where mike had this fantastic day and checked everything off his to do list

[felixcosm]

WOE.BEGONE is a very funny, silly podcast about a man playing an online game where nothing bad happens ever! trust me :)

#woe.begone #wbg #w.bg #like remember the episode where mike had this fantastic day and checked everything off his to do list #had breakfast with a friend went on a nice date talked to his boss #and everything turned out perfectly fine #thats the kind of wholesomeness you can find in this podcast!! :)

[timeagainreviews]

My Series 10 Rewatch: Knock Knock

Hello, my fantastic friends! I am sorry I have been so quiet. I got coronavirus in February and it really wiped out my energy. I am finally starting to bounce back and feel like leaving the house once more. This beautiful Scottish spring we’re having has definitely helped. I also lost my grandpa this week, so I've been all over the place, emotionally. Obviously, such a big pause in the middle of a series 10 rewatch is disruptive, so I would rather just dive back in if it's all the same. When last we were gathered, I was talking about "Thin Ice." Since then, the ice has thawed and I am now up to series 10 episode four- "Knock Knock," by one-time Doctor Who writer Mike Bartlett.

An aspect of Doctor Who which I love about Steven Moffat’s era is that the Doctor and his companions didn’t spend every waking moment of their lives together. Unlike companions of the past, who basically left behind their family lives to galavant across time and space, the companions of the Moffat era had home lives. Not only did this make for some humorous moments, such as the Doctor landing his TARDIS in Clara’s bedroom on date night, it also set up the characters for something of an actual life. "Knock Knock," uses this separation of worlds to establish one of its central themes- can you have a normal life with the Doctor? 

Being a poor student in London, Bill is forced to look for a flat with a group of people she only sort of knows. This is your typical group of students, eclectic and young. The biggest commonality they have is they can’t afford a place on their own. One of the ways in which this makes the episode suffer is that none of them has much chemistry together. However, it does enable Bartlett to explore deeper concepts, such as the fear of meeting new people. Our characters are forced to deal with a deadly situation with people who are basically strangers. 

The other commonality they have is Bill’s mate, Shireen. I got momentarily excited the first time I heard her name, but only because I thought it was going to be Rose’s best mate Shareen. Also, it would mean that Rose and Shareen had like a 10 year age difference, which would be weird. Shireen is a bubbly sort that seems gung-ho about everyone getting on. This doesn’t stop 90% of their interactions from being a total cringefest. Not one of these characters is particularly likeable. Pavel, the musician of the group, and the one character with maybe a bit of culture becomes a wall pretty early on, so it’s a bland time from there on out. But that’s getting a bit ahead of ourselves. 

After a montage of disappointing flats ("Oh my god, the toilet is is what room?") the gang stands defeated. But like a beacon of light, comes a glimmer of hope in the form of John, a man who clearly prowls the streets for groups of youths. The gang is willing to overlook the obvious stranger danger about John because he has something they need- a giant house at a reasonable price. It’s another one of those deeper concepts being explored here that I think Doctor Who does so well. The show operates well when it preys upon basic fears. In this case, it’s the fear of the creepy landlord. The fear that your home life may be dictated by a creepy man who carries a tuning fork and forbids you to enter certain parts of the house like it’s Beauty and the Beast. 

 Arriving as if to say "No, Bill, you can’t have a normal life," is the Doctor. After using his TARDIS to move her belongings, Bill is quick to send him off. She even foregoes the traditional six-pack of beer and pizza, the universal payment for friends helping one move house. Of course, the moment the Doctor enters the derelict abode, his Time Lord senses are pinging. The Doctor isn't just an embarrassing "grandfather," type, but also a threat to any semblance of a normal life Bill can hope to have. As I said, this is familiar territory in the Moffat era. A funny side effect of the Doctor's attempts at allowing his companions to live normal lives is it only adds to the sharp contrast between both existences. Perhaps this is immersion therapy on the Doctor's behalf. Letting his friend remember what the world is actually like so as to not disassociate her from her own time and place. Or perhaps it is the Doctor softening the blow of eventually losing his friend.

The Doctor leaves long enough for two things to happen. Firstly, Pavel is listening to some music and suddenly is eaten by the house. Nobody seems to notice. Secondly, the new housemates have a bit of a games night for their first night at 11 Cardinal Road. There's no cellphone reception and the house is nowhere near up to code. I applaud them for trying to build up these characters, but it never really gels. Their merriment is cut short after hearing a noise in the kitchen. Scooby-Doo style, Bill leads them to the pantry where she finds the Doctor never actually left. They decide to head to bed, but the Doctor decides he's going to stay up with Felicity and Harry and listen to music. He also reminds Bill to maybe check on Pavel who has not been seen all day.

Now back in the sitting room, the gang is surprised to find John present. He addresses their problems with the amenities and waxes strange about having a daughter to look after. The Doctor asks John who the Prime Minister is, but he is unable to answer. Before they can ask more questions, John disappears down the hallway, but not before sounding his tuning fork against the wood. On her way to bed, Bill has the most cringe conversation with her new housemate, Paul. Paul fancies Bill. Bill fancies girls. I get that they may have wanted a scene where Bill flat out says to the audience that she's gay, but Paul comes off as super creepy. I wouldn't have an issue with this, but I feel like we're meant to find Paul endearing. It's hard for me to place what exactly they were going for in this scene. Paul, mate, you just met her. You just moved in together. Maybe let the paint dry first.

Luckily, like a shot from the dark, the plot saves us from having to stand in the hallway of awkwardness. Paul, having gone to his room, screams. Thinking he's having a laugh, Bill and Shireen go knocking on his door, only to find the return knock sounding across the hallway wall. The house begins to creak and shudder while doors slam shut. It's like something from a haunted house movie. In many ways, it follows a familiar trope from Doctor Who. The house haunted by aliens. We've seen it in "Ghost Light," "Hide," or even Edward Grove from "The Chimes of Midnight." Though I would argue that here, there is less grist for the mill. "Knock Knock," is a more stripped back, simple story. And in that way, I find it begins to lose me as the mystery unravels. 

As the housemates run through the house, trying to escape whatever is happening, they find Pavel in a state of flux. Something about the music on his record player skipping has kept him from being completely absorbed by the house. I will say, this is a great bit of body horror on the makeup department's behalf. Everything about Pavel looks like a guy getting eaten by a wall. As it turns out, the tuning fork and the music have more to do with what's going on as the Doctor discovers the house infested with alien lice known as "Dryads." Using his sonic screwdriver, the Doctor is momentarily able to draw the bugs out from the grain of the wood. The Dryad is not your common woodlouse, as it appears to move through wood like water. Even in my second viewing, I found myself wondering if this is kind of cool or kind of dumb. I vacillate between the two. 

In many ways, this is both Doctor Who's greatest strength and its greatest weakness. The surreal nature of a time-travelling police box affords us things like sentient planets, talking chair frogs, and killer mannequins. On the other hand, it gives us farting aliens, gamma radiation in the form of lightning, and the Doctor screaming until a window smashes. I remember reading an Eighth Doctor book where horse people read books on their planet by licking them and tasting the story. Sometimes, Doctor Who is bloody brilliant, and other times, it's bloody embarrassing. But that's partly why I love it. This kind of freedom gives it freshness. One week we get a priest buzzing like a wasp as he talks, the next we get River Song and the Vashta Nerada.

Now, I'm not saying "Knock Knock," is bad, but it is a little dumb. I've already complained about the dopey kids nobody cares about, and the silly aliens that aren't that scary, but the end of this episode is where it really kind of evens itself out. As I said, I vacillate between this being a good and a bad story. We learn that the reason John doesn't want anyone up inside the tower of the house has nothing to do with safety, and everything to do with a dark secret. After discovering the unclaimed belongings of previous occupants over the span of decades, the housemates learn that they are just the latest in a long line of people being fed to the house.

I found the motivation of the Dryads a little hard to understand. It seems weird to me that a woodlouse would want to eat people, but here we are. As it turns out, John has found a way to keep his "daughter," Eliza, alive using the Dryads. After noticing they respond to sonic vibrations, John has been using the tuning fork the make them do his bidding. It's a simple arrangement- he feeds students to the Dryads, the Dryads keep Eliza alive as a wooden woman, hidden away in the tower like some forgotten ghost. Once again, the makeup department has done its job. You genuinely believe Eliza is a woman made from wood. I especially like how they used papery twine for her hair.

They do a good job giving reasons why the housemates can't call for help. No wifi, no reception. But it is hard to imagine that over the course of decades, nobody came looking at this giant house for clues of their missing loved ones. Maybe they did and the house ate them as well. All I know is that it's mighty convenient that not one prospective tenant said to their mum or dad "Hey, I'm moving into a giant house at 11 Cardinal Road." Hell, even the Doctor helped move Bill in. What was John's big plan for when the Doctor came around looking for his "granddaughter?"

By this point, several of the housemates have been eaten by the house. Honestly, I could care less about which ones. I think Paul got his, and of course poor wooden Pavel. Or would that be wooden panel? I can't stress how little I care about these characters. Am I cold? I don't think so. We never see them on the show again. They don't matter in the slightest. With the Dryads closing in, the Doctor and Bill have to think quick. Which is when they realise that the timelines don't match up. If John were Eliza's actual father, he would be long dead. Seeing as he is not also made of wood, they deduce that he is in fact not Eliza's father, but her son. Unable to say goodbye to his ailing mother, John has been preserving her. Eliza has been through so much trauma that she has completely forgotten this fact. It's all rather depressing if I'm honest.

Depressing is okay though. What's Doctor Who without the occasion trudge through misery? Of course, it's not all doom and gloom, as Eliza restores all of the young people, once again leaving me to question why they were eaten in the first place. Were they transmuted into energy and simply recombined? It's the best explanation we're going to get, which is fine. David Suchet gives a powerful performance as he begs his mother not to end their lives. His performance is, by far, one of the strongest elements of this episode. Eliza and John are both overtaken by the Dryads, who are off presumably forever. I suppose the threat of Dryads is no longer looming now that their puppet master is no longer pulling their strings.

All in all, I find myself without much to say about this episode. It's not bad, but it's not a banger either. Even writing this review has been a bit of a slog. I find myself hard-pressed to really have any strong feelings one way or the other, and sometimes, that's just how it is. I will say it is the brownest episode of Doctor Who I’ve seen since the ‘70s. The BBC really knew how to dull down colour back then. Sigh... The best I can say about "Knock Knock," is that it's fine, really. There's nothing really wrong with it other than being kind of dull. I think if they'd have tried harder to make the characters more relatable it could have helped. Not every villain needs to be the new Daleks or Weeping Angels. Unlike some of the other episodes in my series ten rewatch, my opinion on this episode has changed very little. I would be as equally surprised to hear someone say this episode was terrible as I would be to hear it's their favourite. This is the kind of Doctor Who you can have on in the background. 

Much like we followed the lacklustre "The Unicorn and the Wasp," with the transcendent "Silence in the Library," I am very excited for the next episode in my rewatch- "Oxygen." Another anti-capitalist romp in the vein of "Smile," is just what I need right now. Now that I am back and feeling up to writing again, you should expect to see a bit more output. I wanted to cover the BBC's Youtube Dalek series, of which I have not watched a single frame. I've been putting it off because I wanted to talk about it on here. I have a few non-review articles in mind, but I don't like to promise too much. What I am saying is that you can expect more, soon! Take care!

#doctor who #series 10 #knock knock #David Suchet #bill potts #Pearl Mackie #Twelfth Doctor #Peter Capaldi #dryads #wood #bbc #tardis #rewatch #Time and Time Again

[hellyeahomeland]

“Fucker Shot Me” | Directed by Lesli Linka Glatter, Cinematography by David Klein

Sara: I truly stan G’ulom and his collection of capes. He is the villain in the shadows we need! 

Gail: G’ulom’s character arc has really come a long way since Carrie blackmailed him back in episode two. Feels like a year ago.

Sara: Mike is highly annoying. He is so annoying I’m starting to feel sorry that he keeps asking Jenna to do things. Why did he have Jenna tell Saul what happened? Why did they wait until the next day? Why couldn’t he have done all this himself or at least delegated? What I’m saying is Mike is a drama queen. 

Gail: It’s interesting that you see Mike as an antagonist to Carrie when he is literally doing the right thing by reporting her. Carrie’s lucky he only went to Saul at first. It gave her the opportunity to get a head start on her mission to find Max. This small meeting of the minds in the middle of a bustling CIA station says a lot too: all of her secrets are about to be laid bare.

Gail: This surveillance shot was when I realized that Yevgeny is intentionally feeding into the suspicions around her. His government must know and approve of what he is up to. He might have some affinity for her, but he is definitely on his own mission here.

Sara: Couple’s first photo together.

Sara: Truly the road trip of my dreams! On a more analytical note, almost all the camerawork in these scenes is done outside the car, looking in, with the barrier of the windows between us. This is continuing a motif from earlier episodes that saw Carrie often shot from behind the car window, trapped on the inside. And now she’s “trapped” with Yevgeny. 

Gail: I love how the camera shots in this scene give us a feeling of eavesdropping on them. Makes me wonder who else is listening?

Sara: I really loved this shot, with the reflection of the countryside visible. The scenery and remoteness of it all (uh… not to mention them literally being on the run together) really reminded me of Carrie and Brody in “The Star.” 

Gail: Yes--and she’s not the one driving this time. Yevgeny is literally and figuratively in the driver’s seat.

Gail: I love that we are getting Carrie’s perspective here. We can’t see or hear what Yevgeny is saying. We are as in the dark as Carrie is when it comes to his true motivations.

Sara: Yevgeny shot from behind again. This continues another motif of Carrie watching him walk away (repeated in the first three episodes of the season), his back turned to her. 

Sara: Before I caught on to what was happening, I saw the light blue burqa and thought something was super fishy. This is the same color burqa that Samira Noori had. There was also a woman wearing a blue burqa walking by Haqqani at the end of last week’s episode when Carrie spots him outside the embassy. I feel like this is super ominous and must be intentional…. Right?

Gail: I noticed that too! I love how colorful the market is here too, it reminded me of the donkeys heading up the mountain in the last episode.

Gail: IJLTP.

Sara: Gotta have that parallel! This must be intentional. The positioning of the camera and choreography here is identical to the pilot.

Sara: IJLTP.

Gail: Even in a crowd of people, Carrie is always alone.

Gail: Such a contrast to the colorful market and busy streets nearby.

Sara: This is a really stunning shot and you can feel the emotional weight of these rows and rows of tombstones--all of which Carrie is responsible for.

Sara: I noted this in TCWTW, but they’ve dressed Carrie and Yevgeny similarly here. Notably they’re both in jackets with pockets on both breasts. Also notably, Carrie’s ensemble is in shades of grey, while Yevgeny’s is darker. Also also notably: height difference.

Gail: His constant and consistent nonchalance is such a vibe.

Gail: We are on the outside looking in at their relationship again. So much we don’t know about it, and by “we,” I mean the audience and Carrie.

Sara: This is a cute bookend shot to the final scene of last week’s episode where Yevgeny is staring at Carrie, who stares straight ahead.

Sara: The Jesus light shines on Max! 

Gail: Max’s living conditions keep going from bad to worse.

Sara: What the actual hell was this? The speed with which Yevgeny prevented a total and full-blown Carrie freakout was certainly admirable and positively weird as hell. 

Gail: Yevgeny sure knew how to calm her down quickly: bends down to eye level, holds her forcefully in place, and even does the sympathetic head tilt. He knows way more about her than “we” can imagine.

Sara: I just picked this shot because was anyone else surprised that Linus is still the Chief of Staff? I thought for sure he would have been transferred to an ~advisory~ role when Keane left but both Beau and now Hayes are keeping him? Let’s all admit that Linus is really the cockroach that creepy doctor in Caracas said Brody was. 

Gail: I loved the scale of the empty airplane hanger against the optics Hayes is trying to convey. Empty attempt with an even emptier coffin.

Sara: Don’t sleep on Tasneem! She’s always lurking around every corner and that is why we continue to stan. Also shout out to blog member Angela who remarked on the way they dressed Tasneem in virginal white a few episodes ago, and now this Madonna-esque blue. What does it mean?

Gail: Now Tasneem is looking over her shoulder too.

Gail: The distance between Saul and Bunny/Tasneem speaks volumes.

Sara: The choreography in this scene is really something. I mean… LOL. Could they hate Saul anymore?

Gail: Even though Mike has reported Carrie to the FBI, he still takes her call in private. Interesting.

Sara: Why does Mike have encyclopedias in his sad office?

Sara: This is such a great shot. G’ulom looming in the background, out of focus but still totally in control. Everyone gets an over-the-shoulder shot this year. 

Gail: G’ulom in a tie < G’ulom in a cape.

Sara: Yevgeny took the night shift and let Carrie sleep in the back of his car. I repeat: CARRIE SLEPT IN THE BACK OF HIS CAR. I can’t with them. 

Gail: I didn’t think she was sleeping, Carrie doesn’t sleep! I thought she was laying low since she’s a fugitive now and was hiding from the drone(s) that she was hoping the CIA would send to check for Max. Ugh, poor Max!

Sara: Dammit, Gail! You’re probably right.... but a full night has passed so she had to have slept, for at least 15 minutes, in his car. Let me have 15 minutes!

Sara: First, I think this shot is totally gorgeous (Jesus light shines on Max again!). Second, I’m not getting too freaked out because remember how totally dumb Jalal is? We don’t have much to worry about, folks. 

Gail: Such a gorgeous shot, I agree. Another empty space that illustrates just how alone Max is.

 Gail: Another parallel to the end of season three: Carrie calling for an extraction team that isn’t coming.

Sara: And this shot, too. Damn… this episode was visually quite gorgeous, if substance-wise quite dull.

Sara: Total Brody vibes with the cage and also Haqqani’s general air of acceptance here. They wanted us to feel bad for Brody at the end too! Later, again like Brody, Haqqani is surrounded by a crowd of raucous people who want him dead when he’s sentenced to his fate. Although this specific shot with the cell in the center of the courtroom reminded me a lot of those scenes with Hugh Dancy in Hannibal (can’t find a pic, you’re just gonna have to trust me!).

Gail: I agree and really loved this scene.

Sara: I love shot because of how small Saul looks. I don’t mean this in a shady way! It really puts into perspective (literally) how futile his attempts are to save Haqqani and secure the peace deal (again). Saul states at the beginning of the episode that Haqqani and the Taliban control half the country… that necessarily means that half the country would also probably like to see him dead. He’s just one man, one small man, and the sun is setting on him. 

Gail: Great insight. The loss of control and chaos surrounding Saul is only growing in scale through this episode, culminating in this fantastic shot.

Sara: I have to laugh. Best facial expression of the century goes to Mr. Linus Roache. 

Gail: Wellington is literally biting his lip! Love it and love the villainous John Zabel, menacing beard and all!

Gail: Carrie is very much “in the weeds.”

Sara: Carrie sure is trying hard to be stealthy given she’s tracing the perimeter of a fence that’s more or less see-through. I LOVE YOU, CARRIE.

Gail: Everything happening to Max feels extremely ominous to me.

Sara: It’s official, this show has an eyeglasses complex. Saul and Max are both glasses-wearing people, and I tend to think the scenes where they’re without them (whether in captivity or otherwise), and the scenes where they get them back, suggest a loss of humanity. They’re being stripped down to the barest and most vulnerable forms of themselves.

Sara: This reveal is really very clever and would have been a lot more so if it hadn’t been spoiled in 46 promos.

Gail: I love how Carrie and Yevgeny are off center in this shot, just like Carrie.

Sara: IJLTP. IJLTP.

Sara: And again with this eyes wide, hands on shoulders, controlled and direct response. I would be creeped out if I didn’t think he was doing it out of ~*~LOVE~*~. But seriously, what do you think this is and why is it so effective? 

Gail: I think he had a lot of practice. (Ugh)

#homeland #homelandedit #in the director's chair #fucker shot me #* #by: sara #by: gail #lesli linka glatter

[aion-rsa]

Best Marvel Comics to Binge Read on Marvel Unlimited

https://ift.tt/2UR4Tzi

With an enormous swath of the world involved in varying degrees of social distancing, many of us suddenly find ourselves with a lot of time on our hands. Never fear! There are more options for streaming comics than ever before, and that means we have access to more of comics history, more hidden gems, and more epochal runs than ever before. But the variety of options to read can be daunting. That’s why we’ve put together a recommendation list of some of our favorite comics binge reads to help you through quarantine. Marvel Unlimited has been around for more than a decade. It runs about six months behind print release of books, so it’s a good way to stay sorta-current with the stories you love. But the real draw is the back catalog: with 25,000 issues in its library, you’ve got access to some of the most important and most entertaining runs of superhero books of all time. From Lee and Kirby creating the modern superhero comic in the pages of Fantastic Four through Chris Claremont and John Byrne revolutionizing the X-Men, and through several Wars (Secret, Infinity, or Civil), everything is here. 

You don’t need us to tell you to read some of these stories. You know “The Dark Phoenix Saga,” Kraven’s Last Hunt, “Demon in a Bottle,” or Jonathan Hickman’s behemoth are all important and good. And some of them, Marvel’s even giving you for free. We’re going to skip over some of the obvious ones and point you towards hidden gems, the harder to find stories that fill in the edges of the Marvel Universe and make it such a rich, lush experience. We are also looking for monster runs that will keep you occupied – you can read six issues in one sitting with no danger of nearing the end. Some of these might take you an entire round of social distancing to finish. 

A quick note about the reading guides: We’ll list out the issue numbers for most of these. Many of them may have their own separate entry under Marvel Unlimited’s reading lists – those are helpful, but these are definitive. One of them, we’re going to refer you to the events – to find those, you can go to “Browse”, then scroll over to “Comic Events.” And for one of these, we’re linking to the inordinately helpful Comic Book Herald. They’re a great site for comic reading orders in general, and have helped me through several other binge reads before. 

Walt Simonson’s Thor

Thor (1966) #337-360, Balder the Brave (1985) #1, Thor #361-362, Balder the Brave #2-4, Thor #363-382

This probably shouldn’t be on the list. It is in the conversation for the greatest runs on any superhero comic ever. But if you’ve never read it, you’re truly missing out.

If you watched Thor: Ragnarok and loved how it looked or any of its story, chances are you are going to adore this, the run that Ragnarok borrowed so much from. Walter Simonson took the Asgard realized by Jack Kirby, the mythological realm pumped full of color and Kirby dots, and turned everything way up to create the most iconic Thor run of all time. Simonson started the run on art before handing off to Sal Buscema, and Simonson and Buscema are two of the artists I could recognize by style the soonest. Everything is HUGE. 

Read more

Movies

Thor Comics Reading Order: Ragnarok for Beginners

By Marc Buxton

Movies

Thor: Love and Thunder Release Date, Cast, and Story Details

By Mike Cecchini and 1 other

It’s paced immaculately, with whatever story is in the foreground holding your complete attention, but always with something drip drip dripping in the background that will eventually crescendo. This run made so many characters wonderful, but Loki, Volstagg, and Beta Ray Bill are highlights. And have I mentioned the art? It’s incredible, and doesn’t suffer one bit when Buscema takes over. This is my favorite run on any comic of all time. You absolutely must read it. 

X-Men: the Messiah Cycle

Messiah CompleX, Messiah War, and X-Men: Second Coming

The hottest take you’re going to find on the internet today is this: the Messiah Cycle is the best era of X-Men comics. It has everything I want from the X-Men line: books have distinct voices and missions, but contribute to the overarching direction of the line. There IS an overarching direction to the line. New characters are brought to the front, and new ideas are injected into the line.

Read more

Comics

First New Marvel X-Men Crossover Revealed

By Jim Dandy

TV

X-Men: The Animated Series – The Essential Episodes

By Michael Mammano

You get all of that from the Messiah era. Messiah CompleX picks up with Cerebro identifying the first mutant birth in years; Messiah War has the members of the Mutants with Claws and Swords era X-Force heading to the future to check up on that baby; Second Coming is when she returns to present day. Each one has a different tone; Messiah CompleX and Second Coming bring together every book in the line to tell their stories, but also let each creative team keep telling their stories and end up being the best-handled X-crossovers since Inferno. And Second Coming is the best straight action X-book I think I’ve ever read. 

If you like these crossovers, you should absolutely check out other books from this era. Utopia X, a crossover between Uncanny X-Men and Dark Avengers, is amazing, as is Duane Swierczynski and Ariel Olivetti’s Cable and Zeb Wells’ New Mutants.

Mark Gruenwald’s Captain America

Captain America (1968) #307-422, 424-443

Full confession: this is my current binge read. After years of hearing about how wonderful Gruenwald’s Cap was, I finally decided to jump in and within three issues, I was texting people to scream at them for not forcing me to read it sooner. For starters, the goddamn Serpent Society turns into a union. In fact, the Serpent Society’s union meeting is the most fun I’ve had reading a comic scene in a while, and the fact that it is based on a real meeting of comic book creators from 1978 makes it both more accurate sounding and HILARIOUS (I think Constrictor is Gil Kane, when you read it).

Read more

Comics

Avengers: Endgame – The History of Captain America’s Climactic Moment

By Gavin Jasper

Movies

Captain America Comics Guide and Reading Order

By Mike Cecchini

But the real appeal is how much movie Cap is based on this era. Gruenwald’s Steve Rogers is a really nice guy. Everybody loves him, everyone respects him, and there’s not a lick of condescension or mean spiritedness about anything he does, from sparring with Black Knight to taking on a gang of criminal jugglers with Hawkeye to trying to help joke villains like Rocket Racer. He’s also extremely competent, and Gruenwald and artist Paul Neary do an incredible job of showing this, as Cap breaks into the West Coast Avengers’ headquarters while trying to figure out, through his jet lagged brain, what day it is. It only gets bigger and more traditionally superhero as it goes on, with artistic contributions from the likes of Kieron Dwyer, Ron Lim, and others.

You’ll see even more of this run’s influence in Marvel’s The Falcon and The Winter Soldier TV series on Disney+, as it introduces key characters who we’ll see on screen there, so get reading, and pay attention!

Runaways 

Runaways (2017) #1-current

Rainbow Rowell’s current run as writer on Runaways captures the Marvel spirit better than just about any comic coming out right now. It’s a masterful mix of superheroics, joyful immersion in Marvel continuity, and soapy teenage drama. A lot of people are doing good work at Marvel right now, but nobody is hitting these notes as consistently well as this crew. 

This book is remarkably accessible for something so steeped in its own history. If you’re new to comics, or if you’re here because of the Hulu show, you’ll find plenty to love. But if you liked the original series from Brian K. Vaughan and Adrian Alphona, you’re going to be shocked at how much this feels like if that same book had never ended. Even though the characters have grown and changed substantially, their voices are distinct and seamless. This is one of my favorite Marvel comics being published right now, and once you’re all caught up, make sure you add it to your pull list at your shop.

Darth Vader

Darth Vader (2015) #1-12, Star Wars: Vader Down #1, Darth Vader #13, Star Wars (2015) #13, Darth Vader #14, Star Wars #14, Darth Vader #14-25

Remember that moment in Rogue One where Vader just kicked the shit out of everyone without looking like he was trying? And how everyone squealed in delight at old, force of nature, badass villain Darth Vader being back? If you were reading the comics at the time, that moment had already happened for you a full 18 months before the movie came out, in Darth Vader #6. 

Read more

Comics

Star Wars Canon Timeline in Chronological Order

By Megan Crouse and 1 other

Movies

Star Wars: Darth Vader’s Best Moments from the Marvel Comics

By Marc Buxton

This entire series is Vader killing everything he can. It’s like watching a space tornado. What’s especially surprising, though, is how Kieron Gillen manages to sneak some important character development into the book. While Vader slices through Sith intrigue and Rebel scum and the entire royal line of a mining planet and a bunch of others, we’re also learning about why he’s the way he is. This series takes place between A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back, so some of the lines that get filled in add to the rest of the OT as well. There have been several very good Star Wars comics since Marvel got the license back, but this run on Darth Vader is the best. 

Ultimate Spider-Man 

Ultimate Spider-Man saved Marvel Comics. Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley didn’t do it with flashy variants or crossovers. They did it by telling good, pure, core Spidey stories. 

It’s hard to separate Peter’s origin from Ultimate Spider-Man from Peter’s origin in the 616. The Ultimate origin is so definitive and iconic in how it fills in the spaces between the necessary beats. Bagley’s art especially – even now, thinking about this series that I haven’t read in forever, I can still pull up Peter jumping over Norman’s car, or MJ’s face when she and Peter have “the talk.” 

Read more

Movies

How Shifting MCU Release Dates Could Impact Spider-Man 3

By Don Kaye

Movies

Spider-Man 3 Story Is “Absolutely Insane” Says Tom Holland

By Kirsten Howard

For the absolute best, and purest this book can be, just read the first 38 issues, ending with the first Venom arc, but the book stays solid for its entire run. Bendis’ work with both Peter Parker and Miles Morales is my favorite work of his career, especially when Miles joins the cape world, but nothing will ever match just how fantastic these first few arcs of Ultimate Spider-Man are.

The Annihilation Era

Annihilation, Annihilation: Conquest, War of Kings, Realm of Kings, and The Thanos Imperative

You will be hard pressed to find better comic book space opera than the Abnett/Lanning era of Marvel’s cosmic characters. Marvel’s cosmic line was an afterthought when these first started coming out. By the end, it was a widely beloved corner of the Marvel Universe that was popular enough to be mostly transcribed whole by the movies.

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Movies

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3: Cast, Release Date, Director, Story, and News

By Mike Cecchini and 1 other

Comics

Guardians of the Galaxy Reading Order

By Gavin Jasper

The nice thing about this era of the cosmic line is how neatly the main books move from event to event. Annihilation tells the story of a cataclysm that befalls the universe, and how the remaining heroes – Nova, Star Lord, Silver Surfer, Drax, Gamora, Ronan the Accuser, and Super-Skrull, among others – fight a war to survive. Rich Rider gets his own solo Nova comic from there, and it leads right into Annihilation: Conquest, about the catastrophe that follows in Annihilation’s wake. It also sees the formation of the Guardians of the Galaxy as we know them and launches their book, before tying both comics together in War of Kings where the Shi’ar and Kree empires collide. Realm of Kings is the aftermath of that war (and has one of my favorite Shi’ar Imperial Guard stories of all time), and that leads directly into the conflict that mostly closes out the era, The Thanos Imperative. This is a great introduction and immersion in Marvel’s cosmic universe, and will have you hooked by the halfway point of the first crossover.

Black Panther

Black Panther (1998) #1-22, Deadpool (1997) #44, Black Panther #23-62

There are certainly better parts to this run, but there is a scene where Namor, T’Challa, Doctor Doom, and Magneto stand around an apartment outside of the United Nations shouting at each other about diplomacy, and to this day I still have not found a comic book more specifically designed for my interests than this one. 

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Movies

Black Panther 2 Cast, Release Date, Villain, Story, and News

By Mike Cecchini

Movies

Best Black Panther Comics: An Essential Reading Guide

By Jim Dandy

Priest is one of the sharpest minds ever to write comics. He’s so good at misdirection and storytelling – he will overwhelm you with style and flash, and you won’t even notice the subtle clues he’s dropping, or the way themes and characters weave together to show key parts of the story. This run on Black Panther is probably the definitive one for the character, and contributed a ton to the movie version, but there’s so much more depth (and humor!) that Priest puts into the Marvel Universe that it’s very worth reading.

Incredible Hercules

Hulk (1999) #106-112, Incredible Hercules (2008) #113-115, Hulk Vs. Hercules: When Titans Collide, Incredible Hercules #116-137, Assault on New Olympus Prologue, Incredible Hercules #138-141, Hercules: Fall of an Avenger #1-2, Heroic Age: Prince of Power #1-4, Chaos War #1-5

Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente are two of the best people writing comics right now. Each individually writes really good comics, but the two of them working together almost always put something special out. Incredible Hercules spun out of World War Hulk and came out better than it had any business being. 

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Movies

Hulk Movies Marvel Should Make

By Marc Buxton

TV

Who is She-Hulk? A Guide to Marvel’s Next TV Star

By Gavin Jasper

Hercules exists in a unique place. Pak and Van Lente used him as a gateway to the mythology of the Marvel Universe – the Greek pantheon, but also the Norse pantheon, Japanese gods, Inuit gods, even Skrull deities. And several of these aren’t exclusive to Marvel, so you get a very clear and obvious statement about some of the differences between the Big 2 universes, some clever in-jokes, and the requisite moving story about godhood. This all comes with wonderful characterization, clever plotting and a great sense of humor. 

Nextwave: Agents of H.a.T.E.

Read Nextwave after you’ve read everything else, not because it’s a good capstone to your Marvel experience, but because it’s aggressively anti-continuity, and (lovingly) EXTREMELY disrespectful of the rest of the Marvel Universe. It’s also one of the funniest comics Marvel’s ever put out. 

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This whole story is Warren Ellis brutalizing superheroes. Boom Boom from X-Force, Monica Rambeau (sometimes Captain Marvel, sometimes Photon), Machine Man, monster hunter Elsa Bloodstone, and Captain &#($$&*#!@ (or The Captain) are brought together by the Highest Anti-Terrorism Effort (H.A.T.E.) to fight Unusual Weapons of Mass Destruction. It’s aggressive nonsense, less anti-continuity than acontinuitous which isn’t a word but also fits the spirit of the book – characters make no sense even from issue to issue, and only serve the plot, but that nonsense later serves the plot. And it is an absolute tour de force from Stuart Immonen, who draws every type of comedy you can imagine – slapstick, absurdity, somehow sarcasm, puns – with incredible layouts and storytelling. This is not a good Marvel comic, but it is an incredible comic book that you’re going to love.

The post Best Marvel Comics to Binge Read on Marvel Unlimited appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Comics – Den of Geek https://ift.tt/39RbFsI

#aion-rsa #Comics – Den of Geek

[laisvega]

Dreams 1 - 24/3/18

This is an extremely random post, I know. But I’ve come to a decision to write out all those dreams that are extremely vivid. Those that can be recalled as if they happened in real life.

They make scarcely to no sense at all. Also the narrative is messy, as I try my best to be very specific.

You may read it and let me know what you think. Or not.

The dream starts in the middle, or close to the end.

I can see myself with a group of five more people. Sometimes from my own eyes, but also as a separate entity. Sort of depersonalised.

The person that's supposed to be me is standing by a wall at what seems to be a hotel lobby, and we're checking out. The clothes she wears are fit for cool summer. A white shirt, black sweat-pants and a comfortable knitted jumper. She's reading the newspaper and laughs at something she read in the front page.

The point of view now shifts and I'm looking at the paper with my own eyes. The aura around is still relaxing, nothing feels out of place.

A maroon carpet is beneath my feet. The walls are of burgundy wood, and there are many frames hanging about. Paintings are about boats.

The headline reads: 'Movie stars, cheap even if they have it all.' The main picture showed Jennifer Lawrence with a nice, simple orange dress, slippers, and she's carrying a lot of bags. The bags are around the tones of orange, beige, and light brown. Reading further at the note, it said that she had removed all unchargable things from her room.

My mother and I had seen her earlier at the hotel's restaurant. We pointed at her, excited that we'd seen her. She's a fantastic actress.

What she had removed from her room were those little things that the hotel gifts, like shampoo, creams, soap, etc. But she took more, apparently.

So I tell my mom, "Look, she did it like Ross."

"A what?" said my mom.

"Ross Geller, from Friends. He removed everything possible from every hotel he stood in. Do you remember that episode with Chandler in Vermont? Ross took the batteries off the remote, toilet paper, lightbulbs of each lamp, even the salt!"

My mother remembers it and laughs. We had done closely the same just hours ago.

The point of view changes again, as well as the scene around. I'm looking from the outside, my mother is gone, I see myself standing at the same spot, with the same clothes, but everything is different.

She is scared, as if she's running from something.

Now the group of people comes into the dream. I've never seen their faces before, in real life. But they don't match any actors, actresses, singers, either. They're just entirely new faces.

There's a dark-skinned girl, a little bit shorter than me with sort of chestnut-coloured dreadlocks. She wears clothes that are for heavy winter: grey sweatpants, boots, a white scarf and caramel-coloured jacket—those with fur on the inside and for rain on the outside.

Another girl is standing by her side; she's light-skinned, blonde with hair shoulder-length. She's also heavily dressed with a faded-pink coat, a grey hoodie popping at the back.

At the other side of the girl that's supposed to be me, stands another boy. Short and nerdy-looking, with think rimmed glasses over his black eyes. His coat is checkered with red, green and blue. There's a cheeky feeling coming from the person that is me: she's thought the coat of that boy is very similar to a Scottish kilt. His hair is shaved close to the head. He is scared, too.

Right in front of my physical body there is a boy much taller than all. His hair is dark brown, some flecks over his face, and his eyes are grey. The colour of a storm. His skin is fair and I make the remark that he is quite handsome with that navy blue jacket.

The point of view changes and I'm staring at them with my own eyes, feeling lost. Not quite grasping what is happening. The only thing I can understand is that we're running, hiding, and trying to escape.

Where the wooden walls of the hotel stood before, behind me it had turned to moss-green. As if the place had been abandoned for decades. Across the hall, the wall was gone. There was . . . a beach instead. I can notice it is dark outside, must be very late at night.

The girl with the caramel coat says to me, "You're going to freeze with those clothes, don't you have anything else to wear?"

And it's just then that I notice the howling wind. And fuck it is cold. My body trembles and I hug my charcoal jumper closer. My sweatpants don't cover my ankles and the shoes either.

They all catcall and run towards the beach. It's then that I notice there was another person with us. Short, chubby, blond hair curly, but shaved.

"C'mon lads!" he shouts at the very lead.

I think he sort of reminded me of Peter Pettigrew. But there's no distrust.

I want to follow them. And depersonalised again I see myself walking through the corridor looking for winter clothes.

Around the corner there are some things hanging by the wall. Back in first person I count three jackets, Ugg-like boots, and a cocoa-brown scarf that had seen better days.

I grab the army-green jacket, button up my jumper and when I'm trying to put it on I sense someone talking to me.

For an impossibly fleeting second I glimpse at some lad sitting on the bench looking at me. He's just said something that I didn't hear. When I try to ask him what he's just said, he is gone. All I can remember is that his hair was wavy and black. There was an air of Tom Riddle there somewhere—not the darkness.

The group calls me to hurry up, and I'm desperate to catch up.

But the second I took a step with the boots I'd just put on, we're at a different place. It's the same hotel, but the scenery just feels strange. Now we're even more scared. Terrified.

It's then that I realise that what we're running from is the IT clown, that Pennywise or whatever the name is. I've never watched the films, not the old version, or the new one. All I know from the new film is that Mike from Stranger Things is there, and the youngest Skarsgard—brother to Floki of Vikings. Nothing else.

When I catch up to my group—like in dreams you just know things—I know there are plenty other people trapped inside the same place. I never got to see them though.

My group is talking to a couple of men. One of them looks like Jack Nicholson, the other one. . . I didn't get to see his face.

I'm looking at myself, the group, and the men from on top. As if I was a drone. These men are explaining them how to escape that place, or how to defeat IT. She can't listen to what they're saying.

I watch myself turn around and look at the place. Back through my eyes I see we're at the hotel's entrance hall. The place is massive, at my right two grand staircases rise on each side of the hall. A grand balcony at the top, some closed doors can be seen, but they are not bedrooms. I know that at any moment, something can come out from those doors or from the hallways that lead to the rooms.

At my left, up a couple of steps, three large double doors are shut, locked from wall to wall. That could have been an escape route. It was too obvious.

We are all so fucking scared.

The place has been abandoned for ages, walls are mossy, and the floor is black with dirt. Everything is rotten.

It seems that we've gotten to the last phase of whatever we were doing inside this place. It suddenly feels like a game, but it's the real life—inside the dream.

Nerdy-Boy tells us that some other group has trapped IT within the hotel, so that is our chance to find a way to get out.

At my right, two men pass by with frustrating calm. We're all scared shitless and they just stroll by.

One is sitting on a wheelchair, and the other one is pushing. Apparently these were the men my people were just talking to.

The men remove their wigs and beards and the blonde girl says, "You were the ones that defeated Pennywise in the very first film!"

They nod, extremely proud, and then say, "This one is not the same as before. He's new."

And I say, "Yes, he's that Skarsgard lad. I don't know his name. Phillip? Louis?"

Why was that helpful, I have no idea.

But the men just continue their way without another word.

I feel like there's been a jump of about two hours, where chaos had already ensued. My group is scrambled; the boy that looked like Peter Pettigrew is missing. We're all at our nerve's end. Frightened, because we know that IT is closing in on us.

We've gone somewhere else in those two hours I know have passed but cannot remember what happened. But we're back at the entrance hall.

We're sweating ice cold, shaking with fear. Knowing somehow that we only have minutes left. And it's just me, the handsome boy, and likely the blonde girl. Nerdy-Boy and the girl with dreadlocks are a few feet away, but already too far.

Handsome Boy and the blonde are arguing over something. Meanwhile I'm looking at the massive double doors. Its wood black, uncared, decayed.

I look beneath the doors; there is a small space between them and the floor. Outside I first see a small road where chauffeurs leave their passengers. Then green lawn, bases of trees.

And so many people.

As if whatever we were doing inside the mansion-like hotel was something worth watching. Like the way parents wait for their kids outside school.

I stand back up. The place I'm inside so much different to the world outside. My friends are still bickering. Time is short.

I kneel down again and look outside. I see adults cheering, smaller kids laughing. There are balloons, people with costumes on.

There is one that calls my attention particularly. It's Woody, from Toy Story. He's waving his arms, the massive head the person underneath is wearing has a big creepy smile.

I stand back up. Then kneel down. The action is repeated four more times, and each time I peek outside, Woody's face turns more sinister.

That's when I know there is no more time left.

I stand back up and exclaim to whoever is close to me, "Help me, these doors have to mean something! There must be a way of unlocking them!" My voice is desperate. I'm terrified.

The first set of doors is locked. The second one is not. I turn the handle . . . and it opens.

The clarity of outside hurts my eyes at first. But we run.

The people outside run towards us; stampede actually. But they're not friends. I know that if they catch us, they're going to put us back inside the house. I'm naturally fast and in my dream I have the athletic body I once had during high school. So I slip away easily from those that try to catch me. I feel heavy though, and that heaviness slows me down to the point I dread the others will catch me.

I know two more had managed to come out with me before the door closed again.

While running for our lives I see across the lawn several parked vehicles.

I shout, "Silver pickup truck!" and make my way to a Mazda truck. Quite new.

The truck's owner is closing in on me, I just know. Not once I looked back at the house.

I get in on the driver's seat, my friends at the back and I know that more people had also jumped in the car. People that weren't trapped inside the house with us.

Stepping on the gas we drive away. I hate automatic cars so I curse at it's delay in reaction. But we're free.

It's then that I notice the person that sits besides me is my volleyball teacher, and he's leading us somewhere else.

I trust him, don't know why. So I obey and follow his directions.

The road ahead is straight and it seems we drive through a dessert like scenery. There is nothing on either side of the road. Somehow that does not worry us.

It's night again when we get to wherever we were going. We all get out of the car and the strangers that were in the car with us turned out to be allies. They are around my age and I learn there that these people had also been trapped in that terrifying mansion. They don't actually say it, but then again I just know.

My teacher stays outside, so as to guard the place. We're at a sort of abandoned Napa Valley-style house—or Tuscany-like—with vines growing on the walls, crystal doors. Like the house of that film The Parent Trap.

There are a lot more people in the house. All around the same age. As we walk inside I look at their faces. Still I don't recognise a single one from my real world. They all seem friendly and accepting of us, but I shut down. I feel odd, uncomfortable. Maybe it's the adrenaline and fear that are keeping me on edge. Not sure.

It walls are cream coloured, the only light comes from the telly set these youngsters are watching. Few vines creep the inside of the house. But they somewhat fit with the frames that hang. Across the hall there are three doors that lead to bedrooms. Behind us, a makeshift kitchen.

A girl that seems to be a younger version of Dr. Bailey from Grey's Anatomy but with blue eyes urges us to sit on the floor. They are all cuddled around in front of the television eating popcorn.

The only two that managed to get out of the house were the handsome boy and a girl that I realised used to be an old schoolmate. She wasn't part of my group inside the house, but she was in there with us.

Handsome Boy sits behind me. He puts his arms on my shoulders and his knees on each side of mine. I realised there that I really like him. My heart's slamming in my chest and swallowing gets hard. His hand suddenly travels down my belly, slowly, caressing, and fuck I was so ready.

"We're in public." I hissed.

I feel his chest rumble. So I plan on getting up and walking to one of the rooms at some point.

We're changing channels, searching for something light and funny. To help us calm down.

My schoolmate has sat a few feet away and already made friends. I on the other hand glare at these people and exchange the remote for popcorn.

There is another jump in time again, two hours I believe. Someone rings the bell.

Dread is what I see on the faces of everyone around.

A girl taller than me gets up and walks to the door. It's ocean blue like her shirt. Her hair is chocolate, straight and long, reaching her waist.

"Stop!" I say, walking behind her, "See who it is, first."

She nods and looks through the peep hole. I walk to the kitchen and stare from the large window.

A girl stands outside. Scared shitless. She wasn't part of my group, but I know who she is. Her hair is dark brown, shoulder length, damp from sweat. Her light skin shivering. By the road, stood my teacher looking away.

I suspect her immediately. Maybe because she is Handsome Boy's girlfriend—which would leave me with zero chance.

The girl that looked like Dr. Bailey says that the reason they are there, mingling with the public outside the mansion, and in this house, is to guard all those that manage to escape that horrific place.

Something just does not sit right. Where are the people that are part of this safe heaven, meant to guide those that escape? How did she escape? How did she get here? Why isn't the teacher with her?

They open the door nonetheless, and the girl barges right in. She shouts her boyfriend's name and hugs him around the waist. He stands there gobsmacked, then hugs her equally fiercely. There is a pang in my chest.

Everyone coddles her and sit her by the telly. I am left behind, still suspicious.

As I close in on the group, someone vociferates my doubt. But another reasons, "Pennywise cannot escape that house, not physically. It’s trapped inside."

The girl's grey eyes shimmer and Handsome Boy pulls her closer. Just a breath away.

'Not physically' I repeat in my head. The thought that next comes to mind is what if IT somehow managed to get into the girl's body?

The girl looks up at her boyfriend; she raises and goes in to kiss him. He is lowering to meet her halfway—

"Hold on!" I snap and grab her arm.

Then I wake up.

#yeah this is odd #very awkward indeed #it was exciting though #sort of a nightmare but not quite at the same time #dreams #writing

[howinteresting]

"Are you a little bit crazy?”, a life roundup.

Heather telling me “you’re not her” when I showed her a magazine photo of Kirsten Dunst before my hair cut, aged 9.

“You must take risks”, Uber driver, 1.43am.

People who laugh with their tongues out.

A kookaburra laugh is suppressed insanity.

“Yeah gotcha, gotcha”.

It’s 2020 and I still obey the fashion dogma of Trinny and Susannah. 

Pringles are not chips.

Why have I convinced myself that if I cut off 30cm of hair I will become a new whole being?

Why is everything I like automatically over $80?

Running is like that rat scene in the 1989 film The Abyss.

In a different life i would have liked the nickname ‘Barbie’.

I have bought a sleeveless stripe shirt that makes me look like Bert from Sesame Street.

The amount of times I pretend to talk to my Mum on the phone outweighs the amount of times I talk to my Mum on the phone.

Alice Cooper has great dental work.

I imagine iCloud to work in the same way WonkaVision does. Mike Teavee becomes particles of just digital shit you know?

I get it.

Download Tinder and delete immediately. When you recognise some in public from their profile a part of you dies forever, did you know that?

A poor person who has won the lottery is just a poor person who has won the lottery.

The trick to making consistently good tofu is to compress, dust and fry. Put it on a plate lined with paper towel. Squash it down with another plate holding tinned tomatoes. Leave it, check after a while if not overnight to reveal a drier, firmer block. Chop into pieces. Chuck them into a plastic bag with salt, pepper and cornflour, tie the bag up and shake it around like a maraca. Tip batches into scalding hot oil and rotate the sides. Fantastic.

Why is it easier to believe in RapidLash than it is God?

An otherwise innovative and fantastic cook, Ottolenghi makes awkward af television.

$88,999 for eternal happiness?

My humour is at the crossroad of Australia’s Funniest Home Video meets this:

When my aunt from the UK was here I made a blatant remark on the dry heat here, 40 degrees and over, being manageable compared to the eastern seaboard where 28 degrees but humid is deplorable and unlivable. On a 43 degree day we went into the Botanic Gardens solely because she was a tourist and therefore the trek had to happen. Inside the temperature controlled, rainforest lush Bicentennial Conservatory her glasses instantly fogged up and my Mum started to suffocate and cough. I was proven correct.

Do you become Old the instant you place a filled jar of liquid inside a plastic bag and tie it up for transportation?

No one remembers when I wore cowboy boots for a period. This makes me inexplicably sad.

This and then this, and then maybe he was right. 

“Put it in Sylvia Plath over there”, my eyes follow his hand to the oven.

Feeling sentimental I make a stretched jpeg of Microsoft’s Windows XP, ‘Bliss’ my iPhone wallpaper.

Scars: permanent accessories you wear over a lifetime.

A man at the Fisherman’s Market spoke to me as I walked past him “$15 for 20 minutes. You won’t get better value than that”. For a tarot reading he was right. 

“That’s not Wiccan” says boomer wearing Naturalizer sandals

“The kids call me Granina, it’s a cross between Grandma and Nina”

Indifferently watch the cooking channel. The Hairy Bikers cook through South-East Asia and with each shot of humid kitchens, wife-beaters and sweat soaked kerchiefs tied across their foreheads it dawns on me that I have basically slept with a version of one of them before. This sickens me.

My brother has started using a netted bag. He is neither Fisherman nor Brigitte Bardot in an open air market in Toulouse.

What I think anytime someone (still) says coronoavirus.

Strava confessionals in the titles of runs. It’s like Livejournal on another platform.

eBay handle envy: haunted_hamburgers, pacman_fever1, thisistheafterlife, happy4everbc, rapgamebergdorfs, Ilovetobuyandsellstuff2, wheres_my_silver_lining, acarrotparrot. They turned this sob-inducing but fantastic if not also unsettling episode into a short film (not as good imo but still good).

Hearing about people stockpiling on toilet paper rolls, flour and tinned chickpeas reminds me of that rancid meat scene in Battleship Potemkin pre-revolt and well, massacre. And also Communist Russia and then also I guess China??

Staring directly into a solar eclipse mood.

[shittybutgood]

So, nothing says relevant coverage like a sleepy four day lapse, but here I am, and I’ve made a chicken-clusive photo collage to show my level of seriousness (10). 

So we start off by checking in with Becca, sweet Becca, and are vigorously reminded that she has “been through everything,” having been lost at sea for 283 days and then winning the lottery only to lose it all to drugs and sex-addiction, or actually just being dumped after a 10 week relationship by a 36 year old from *Scottsdale, Arizona*.

We all feel very sympathetic for Becca because of this, I think, or maybe sleepy. From what I can tell about her, she is fond of saying things like “hey,” and “Becca,” she’s got some nice brown hair, some good sturdy winter jackets, and well heck, one helluva good attitude! She is also very capable of hanging from a ceiling ribbon & driving some sort of Saturn convertible so the clear message there is she is mentally ready to wed an acquaintance so let’s do it!

Rachel and the elder bachelorettes gather round to tell her it’s all about her by talking about themselves and trying to eek out airtime like it’s oxygen in a flooding submarine, but it’s a smidge better than Becca speaking, I’m sorry but you have to agree on this.

While Becca may be less than spicy, the guys courting her are really fantastic, in that they’re even less exciting and I forgot almost everything they did and said.  It was hard to take accurate notes because they were so boring and I was so grumpily drunk.  An example of these notes from which I’m working is “Minnesota accent ahole but then 100 percent normal, psychotic? Reno.” 

So, to get into it finally, I guess, whatever, ugh, couch-flop, sigh, here we go; I suppose the stars of the show include Jordan, the shark-suited male model who continuously looks afraid, confused, and surprised to be alive on this particular planet, but marches on.  Sometimes he’ll share thoughts on pocket squares and clicky-clacky shoes, so he is trying.  When watching him go on, my brain emits alternate instructions; punch in face or give hair a fatherly ruffle and tell him to keep it up, slugger.

We then have Clay, whose voice has the weepy tone of a widow doing a public reading of an emotionally-fraught poem, but is kind and already genuinely, passionlessly in love with Becca.  

Then Garrett, who is immediately introduced as annoying as fuck, but then quietly fly-fishes and everything seems nice.  But surprise, his brave acceptance of mini-vans far outweighs his acceptance of women getting the vote, and -blech!- other cultures. It’s a dingy new America though and xenophobic rage is on the same shock and awe level as hobby taxidermy, so see you at hometowns ya lil’ closet racist buttwad.

Next, we have Jean Blanc, who interestingly loves accouterments (yes, here we go!) as well as smelling (in general), and his mission is summed up as “blowing Becca’s nose away” which I’m nervous but hopeful about!

Then we have Chris, who has that je nes sais qouis, which always means ‘an eerie similarity to Chandler Bing’s roommate who thought goldfish crackers were living creatures.’ 

Mike, sports analyst and bringer of a strange, triggering Arie cutout, has the ODDEST man bun I’ve ever seen and it’s really all I’ve taken away from this episode. It’s elegant, neat yet wispy, and ready for it's first night as a principal dancer in the Moscow ballet.

There are some other guys, obviously, including an unkempt Yianni; a fella wearing a 1950s doo-op suit who rides in on an ox suffering from scene-stealing nasal drip; and the infamous social media participant who shows off an arguably misogynistic but sturdy grasp of mathematical percentages.  

There is also the guy who rides in via hearse and and debuts a rip-roaring death pun, eliciting an “aww, so clever,” from Becca, which we all know means “my face aches from feigning mirth.”  My face aches from 50 minutes of disinterested frowning.

So, some very low-key snitfits happen between Chandler’s Chris and a guy who is not here for the right reasons, where it’s like aliens performing a play, trying to prove they know what the human word drama means, but their alien teacher fails them because what even was that.

Then Becca sends a guy from her hometown packing, who apparently had met her 32 times prior to this televised “fun” but never asked her to smooch. However, a quick-thinker, he comes up with a crackerjack lawyerly defense summed up as “oopsies me forgetsies.” Heart-breakingly, this does not save him. 

Then some people we’ve never met go home and the night is over and we can all mentally prepare for another week, by purchasing horse-tranquilizers and remembering, like the Rascal Flatt’s once trilled, “God bless the broken road that led me here to [BACHELOR IN PARADISE].”

[airadam]

Episode 93 : (for small values of infinity)

"All that happy, 'let's be friends' shit? Yo, this is the opposite."

- Konny Kon

As usual, we pay tribute to J Dilla, Big L, and Big Pun this month, but also two giants from a previous generation who both made a massive impact on Hip-Hop; Clyde Stubblefield and David Axelrod, who both passed in the last few weeks. Besides that, we have some great recent tracks from Manchester, some US classics and a few tracks that may have passed you by! Let's get it going...

Twitter : @airadam13

Playlist/Notes

D.I.T.C. : Best Behavior (Showbiz Remix #2)

From "The Remix Project", we go heavy in multiple ways right from the jump. Big Pun may not have been a charter member of D.I.T.C, but Fat Joe certainly is, and it's via Joe that we end up with this connection to one of the fiercest MCs of all time. One verse each over this Showbiz beat which somehow manages to be even darker than the excellent Amed-produced original. 

David McCallum : The Edge

I'd imagine a good number of you thought this was about to be an entirely different record :) This track from the "Music: A Bit More Of Me" album is definitely the most famous track by the actor/musician David McCallum, and one of the most well-recognised by the producer, the brilliant David Axelrod, who passed away this month. That intro is just a monster.

Big L & Jay-Z : Freestyle

Given the origin and the content, I hope you can excuse the sound quality! This is one of the great freestyle sessions of all time, with the then-rising Big L and Jay-Z trading serious bars over the beat for Miilkbone's "Keep It Real"; as it turns out, they'd already battled off-mic earlier the same night! While that clash is lost to folklore, it's good to have this back-and-forth preserved for posterity, thanks to Stretch & Bobbito.

Ras Kass : Soul On Ice (Remix)

Diamond D remixes the title track from Ras' debut, blessing Ras with a David Axelrod-sampling instrumental that is probably better known than the original. Ras is in the political lyrical mode many people would associate him with here, but as always managed to blend that with just vicious battle lines. "The waterproof MC, you ain't wettin' me/You need to stop rapping and start robbing banks like Steady B"? *Ouch*...

SoundSci : The Remedy (Jonny Cuba Remix)

This one has just missed the cut a few times but it fit nicely here! Super relaxed vibe all the way through on this closing track from the "Dig For Victory" EP.

James Brown : Funky Drummer (Parts 1 & 2)

We join this track about a minute and a half in - the full track is seven minutes long. At 19:25 though, one of the most famous, sampled, re-used, re-formulated pieces of audio of all time appears to grace our eardrums. Clyde Stubblefield claimed to not particularly like this song as a whole all that much, but these few seconds of solo drumming when he was given his shine have immortalised it - and him. 

[Jay Dee] Slum Village : Climax (Instrumental)

Easily one of my favourite Dilla beats, from the "Fantastic, Vol.2" album - a fantastic blend of samples and that clap on the two and four are perfectly crisp and clean.

Busta Rhymes : Genesis

Busta was one of those MCs who caught on to J Dilla relatively early and the two artists combined for some excellent tracks over the years. On "Genesis", Busta's fifth album, Dilla contributed this title track and "Make It Hurt", which sounds like it was done by a completely different producer, which just goes to show his versatility. 

Gang Starr : Mass Appeal

It just seemed to go well with the Busta record, and it's a great single, taken from the "Hard To Earn" LP. What you might not know about it is that DJ Premier essentially put the beat together as a bit of a mickey take! The track is supposed to sound like catchy elevator music, in keeping with the lyrical theme of rappers simplifying their material for a popular audience - but it just sounds so good! 

Souls of Mischief : 93 Til Infinity (Remix)

Do I prefer this to the original? Absolutely not - however, that doesn't mean it's not a quality track in its own right. If you listen carefully, you'll hear that it's an actual re-record, with the lyrics being very slighly different and the delivery also tweaked to better fit this alternative beat by A-Plus. The easiest place to find this is on the original 12" single, though it has been released by itself as well.

Masta Ace Incorporated : Saturday Night Live (L.A. Jay Remix)

Staying in '93 for a remix of a track from the "SlaughtaHouse" album - an LP notable for largely being a parody which a lot of people either took literally or assumed wasn't about them! This particular track has its own dark humour, showing about how live a Saturday night can actually get, and feaures Uneek, Eyce, and Lord Digga on the mic. L.A. Jay from the Pharcyde crew rocks the same sample heard on Gang Starr's "Jazz Music" for a beat that manages to surpass the album version!

Pete Rock : Dilla Bounce (R.I.P)

A fitting instrumental to include this month. Dilla came up idolising the work of Pete Rock, so it's poetic that after his passing (as in life), Pete pays respect to him in return. I feel that "Petestrumentals 2" may follow the same path as its predecessor - underrated on release, and retrospectively hailed as a classic.

Run The Jewels ft. Joi : Down

The "RTJ3" album came out on Christmas Day and ensured that we all got at least one present :) This was the opener and a worthy one - a look back at Killer Mike and El-P's pasts, and a look forward to where they plan to go. There's a kind of warmness to the beat which isn't a word I'd usually use to describe an El-P track, but it envelops your ears and draws you in to focus on the lyrics.

Ellis Meade : Kings & Queens

Ellis was kind enough to send me a copy of this a few months back and I finally found a good place to showcase it in a mix. The flow is crazy over a double-timed, almost southern-style Pro P beat. Another win for the Room 2 Records crew!

Chamillionaire : You Gotta Love Me

"Mayn, let the truth free". That shout-out to the then-incarcerated Pimp C firmly dates this one, a longtime headphone favourite for me finally making it onto the show! From the DJ Whoo Kid (hence the annoying adlibs) collaboration mixtape "The Truth", Cham focuses his anger on Mike Jones ("who?", you may now ask?) - that beef lasted for several years. I haven't been able to find out who produced this but that sped-up vocal sample is a serious earworm!

Don Jagwarr : The Cure

I've had this one hanging around for a long while, not sure it's everyone's speed but it fit tempo-wise into this selection and I think was a reasonable follow-up to the soul sample in the previous track. Don Jagwarr is almost certainly best known to most as the guest on Ice Cube's "Wicked", but he did have his old LP, "Faded", from which this track is drawn. The beat and hook are based around a replay of Diana Ross' "Love Hangover", which is a chilled backing for Jagwarr to spin his tale over.

Jake One : Oh Lord

We go back to the gospel-themed "#PrayerHandsEmoji" beat tape for this instrumental, a perfect warm-up for this month's closer...

Children of Zeus : Crown

An anthem already (wow, alliteration)! Tyler Daly goes straight rhymes alongside the always-ready Konny Kon over a no-drums track based around a stirring gospel sample; both MCs turn it out in fine style! Absolutely huge track from the "Two Syllables, Volume Thirteen" compilation and one that deserves as much shine as possible - on top of everything else, it also has one of the best videos I've seen in ages, so no excuse not to share and share again!

Please remember to support the artists you like! The purpose of putting the podcast out and providing the full tracklist is to try and give some light, so do use the songs on each episode as a starting point to search out more material. If you have Spotify in your country it's a great way to explore, but otherwise there's always Youtube and the like. Seeing your favourite artists live is the best way to put money in their pockets, and buy the vinyl/CDs/downloads of the stuff you like the most!

Check out this episode!

[aion-rsa]

RiffTrax: A Guide to Christmas and Holiday Episodes

https://ift.tt/3p3xspq

Since its inception, RiffTrax has regularly visited the crazy world of Christmas movies and shorts because when you get down to it, Christmas is a crazy time and Santa’s such a rich concept that it’s easy to go completely off the rails with him. Here’s a look at all the various Christmas-related movies they’ve watched. Luckily, all of them are available on-demand, so you can buy them and download the entire movie with the audio already synced up.

A handful of the shorts were featured in previous editions of RiffTrax Live, but are also available on their own. Then there’s the Christmas Shorts-stravaganza, which not only featured a bunch of Christmas-based short films, but also a film about serving pork and some kind of competitive swimming event. Weird Al was there too! At the show…not…not the swimming event.

Like when I discussed the 30 Most Insane RiffTrax Shorts, I’m going to give both the lucid explanation of what each short or movie is supposed to be in a sane, reasonable world and what we actually get.

You can check out RiffTrax’s collection of Christmas movies and shorts right her.

“Now, come on. Let me show you the rest.” “No, really, I have to go, I…”

NESTOR THE LONG-EARED CHRISTMAS DONKEY (1977)

The Idea: Remember how great the Rankin/Bass stop-motion version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was? It was such a classic that people watch every year as a holiday tradition. Expanding on that world, the same company released Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, figuring they’d spin another classic out of a more religious context. In it, Nestor undergoes some hardships due to the massive size of his ears, but is chosen to help Joseph and the pregnant Mary make it to Bethlehem.

The Output: You remember how Rudolph went, right? He was teased for a bit for being different, but that led to him discovering lovable, memorable characters and getting into fantastic adventures before proving his worth and showing that his so-called deformity was really his greatest strength. Okay, now imagine that exact story, only remove the lovable, memorable characters.

Then take that part of the movie where he’s teased and stretch it so it makes up 95% of the story. Hell, just make the thing completely depressing. There. You have Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.

Read more

Movies

MST3K: A Christmas Episodes Guide for Mystery Science Theater 3000

By Gavin Jasper

Movies

The 21 Best Christmas Horror Movies

By Rosie Fletcher and 5 others

This is an earlier RiffTrax release, so the only one on it is Mike. Hearing one riffer can be a little off-putting, but it’s worth it to see such a terrible rewrite of Rudolph without any of the magic. Oh, and spoilers for a 40-year-old holiday special, but Nestor ends up becoming best buddies with the man who killed his mother and it’s never explained because it’s at the very end of the movie. I guess Jesus being born really packed a punch.

“Introducing Chewbacca’s family!” “And many scream-yourself-awake nightmares!”

STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)

The Idea: In a time when Empire Strikes Back was far from release but the studios wanted to keep Star Wars in the public’s mind so they’ll keep buying their merchandise, it was decided to bring the cast in for a prime-time holiday special in the ’70s. Based on Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca home to his family in time for Wookie Life Day, the special features everyone from Luke to Vader with special guest stars Art Carney and Bea Arthur. It also has an animated short that gives us the very first appearance of Boba Fett!

The Output: Whenever I try to explain the Star Wars Holiday Special to someone who has never seen it or even heard of it, I point out that George Lucas, known for being a pretty greedy guy, refused to make money off of it in any way. He would never release the Holiday Special in any format because he was that disgusted by it. I don’t blame him because if not for Mike, Kevin, and Bill, I wouldn’t have been able to sit through it myself.

Read more

TV

Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader Had a Rematch Before A New Hope

By John Saavedra

TV

100 Best Christmas TV Episodes of All Time

By Wesley Mead

Each segment appears to be more horrific than the last. We get huge stretches of time where Chewbacca’s family just kind of meanders around their household, growling at each other, with no subtitles. There are “comedy” and musical bits that are just a slog to sit through. One such bit appears to be Chewbacca’s father Itchy watching virtual reality porn. Not even kidding. Mark Hamill is covered in enough makeup to put the studio in the red from their cosmetics budget, Harrison Ford looks like he’d rather be doing anything else, Carrie Fisher is pretty high, and Bea Arthur sings lyrics over the “Cantina Song.” It’s a glorious Hell.

As the cherry on top, the version they watch has all the 1970s commercials completely intact. One of which features Schneider from One Day at a Time!

“He always has loads of fun.” “Why, here he is in Dallas in 1963!”

A VISIT TO SANTA (1963)

The Idea: A couple of kids send a letter to Santa Claus, asking to visit him at the North Pole before Christmas. Santa decides it’s a good idea and has them picked up and brought over in a magic helicopter. He shows Dick and Ann around his home and talks for a moment about how he spreads yuletide cheer through Thanksgiving parades. Then they ride around on a rocket and look at Santa’s prized train set.

The Output: It’s summed up perfectly when Kevin notes, “Interesting. I didn’t know that David Lynch made a Christmas film.” The whole production is very creepy, reminiscent of Manos: Hands of Fate’s cinematography. With all the many Santas that the RiffTrax guys have seen over the years, this one is probably the least jolly (that is, until A Song for Santa). He comes off as a deranged murder suspect trying to lay low with a disguise. In fact, everything about this short is suspect, like the elves, who are really just little kids in miniskirts.

Read more

Movies

Why Chronicles of Narnia’s Santa Claus Celebrates Christmas with Weapons of War

By Juliette Harrisson

Movies

Christmas Movies: A Complete Holiday Streaming Guide

By Alec Bojalad and 1 other

Dick and Ann only have a few lines in the opening and thank God for that. We can understand maybe five percent of anything they have to say.

“Ah, good. Finally, on the silver screen, the be-top-hatted spider-dog of my nightmares. Unless…I’m just having another nightmare.”

CHRISTMAS TOYSHOP (1945)

The Idea: As two kids are put to bed on Christmas Eve, their father tries to set up the tree and all the gifts downstairs. He stumbles around and the ruckus makes them think – in their dreams – that Santa just fell down the chimney. Sharing the same dream, they go downstairs and greet Santa. The little girl asks about where the toys come from and Santa tells the story of a magical toy shop. From here, it becomes a cartoon about living toys having fun when the shop owner is gone.

The Output: The animated sequence is your usual old, black and white cartoon fare. A bunch of toys do stuff for several minutes, including a forgettable musical number, then a plot suddenly happens at the end. Here, it’s an evil spider showing up to try and kidnap a toy of Little Miss Muffet, causing the toy soldiers to come to her rescue.

Read more

Movies

20 Christmas Movies for Badasses

By Michael Reed

Movies

The Mystery Picture on the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation DVD Cover

By Daniel Langrish-Beard

Somehow, the live-action segment is supposed to be a framing device and everything about the cartoon is being related by Santa. Why he’s telling them about a spider kidnapping a toy, I don’t know, but there you go.

This won’t be the last questionable piece of Santa Claus storytelling. We’ll get to that in a bit.

“Wow. I have literally never seen anything as small and of no account as this tree.”

CHRISTMAS RHAPSODY (1947)

The Idea: A lonely, tiny tree sits in the middle of the snowy forest, feeling itself worthless and meaningless. To its surprise, it’s taken in by a family and set up in their cabin. They decorate it for Christmas and give it the meaning it had been wanting for all this time.

The Output: You know, this one is almost decent, at least in concept. The basic Christmas moral buried in there is rather touching. Too bad the short has two things working against it. One, it’s really boring. Two, the tree is such a sad sack and won’t shut up about how much it sucks. It keeps explaining itself as being small and of no account, which will get your eyes rolling after the eighth time it repeats that.

There’s really nothing else to talk about here. Well, maybe the father’s creepy scalp.

“I need you tonight.” “WHOA!”

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (1948)

The Idea: No, not the Rankin/Bass cartoon we all know and love. This animated short is a completely different adaptation of the Rudolph song, predating the stop-motion special by decades. Rudolph is still made fun of for his nose and Santa needs his help due to a foggy night, but don’t expect to see his elf dentist buddy or the abominable snowman.

The Output: Other than the missing characters (which isn’t a criticism, since this came first and those guys weren’t mentioned in the song), the biggest difference in this telling is Rudolph’s status. The Rankin/Bass version made sense in that Santa had a bunch of reindeer living at the North Pole, so of course Santa would come across Rudolph. Here, Rudolph lives in a reindeer civilization. According to this short, animals live like humans around the globe in different sectors (ie. a rabbit-only town) and the only known human being is Santa Claus.

Read more

TV

Doctor Who: revisiting Steven Moffat’s Christmas specials

By Mark Harrison

Movies

17 Movies Secretly About Christmas You Need to Watch

By Mike Cecchini and 4 others

Oh, man. Maybe this is a sequel to Peace on Earth. Pretend you know what I’m talking about.

Another high spot is Rudolph’s mother, who is for some reason shown completely dressed, walking on her hind legs, and having almost human proportions. The riffers all find themselves sexually confused by this.

“Watch this!” “I saw Bam Margera do this on Jackass!”

A CHRISTMAS DREAM (1946)

The Idea: A little girl is happy to receive a few new toys on Christmas. So happy that she discards her older, rattier doll. As she goes to sleep that night, Santa decides to teach her a lesson about the value of one’s belongings by giving her a dream where her old doll comes to life to plead for her attention.

The Output: This is live-action and the doll is depicted with stop-motion animation. To this short’s credit, the animation is incredibly well done, especially for such an old film. It’s also really horrifying and the riffers don’t stop harping on that. The little girl is so excited when any sane person would be in a fear coma.

Read more

Movies

The Strange History of the Die Hard Movies

By Ryan Lambie

TV

Doctor Who: revisiting Russell T. Davies’ Christmas specials

By Mark Harrison

Also, Santa can make you dream whatever he wants. I didn’t know that. That’s disturbing and a far bigger threat than getting coal in your stocking. All he needs are elves in the background, playing jump rope.

“One, two…you better not shout… Three, four…you better not cry… Five, six…you better not pout… Seven, eight…I’m telling you why…”

“Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!” “Well, Happy Christmas to the one household I visited! The rest of the planet can ram it for all I care!”

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1946)

The Idea: We all know the famous poem A Visit from St. Nicholas by Clement Clarke Moore. This is another adaptation of it, though without the bickering cartoon mice. Rather, we see Santa as he visits a home, delivers gifts, and flies off into the night.

The Output: This is one of the most reasonable of all the entries here because there isn’t much you can do to screw up that classic. The only questionable stuff is how rather than have any kind of special effects budget, shots of Santa flying off on his sleigh are done through animation and go back to live-action in close-ups. Otherwise, it’s fairly forgettable amongst the other freaky shorts and movies they watch.

Still, it is a dick move of Santa to give one kid a tiny toy shovel for Christmas. Who the hell would want that?

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150-plus movies, RiffTrax has nothing to say.” “Just this…enjoy.”

SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)

The Idea: Santa is stranded in the sands of Florida. His sleigh is partially buried in the sand and his reindeer have abandoned him. He calls over a group of children to help him get the sleigh out of the ground, but to no avail. Santa insists that they don’t give up and relates their situation to the story of Thumbelina (or Jack and the Beanstalk). Luckily, the kids know one magical creature who just might be able to help Santa and make sure Christmas is saved.

The Output: God, where do I even start with this? It’s hard to sit through, but this is one of the most must-see riffs.

The Ice Cream Bunny is practically a mascot for RiffTrax (sorry, Disembaudio). It’s bad in every way. It’s an inconceivable mess. The Santa parts are embarrassing to watch and make you feel really uneasy in its disturbing, low-rent cheesiness. Then you’re rescued from it thanks to Santa telling the story of Thumbelina. By that I mean that they play a completely separate movie with a higher budget that has absolutely nothing to do with the Santa situation. This “flashback” is 50 minutes long and the entire movie is an hour and a half, so yeah. The Thumbelina stuff is also creepy to watch, if not boring at times, but it’s worth powering through.

Read more

Movies

A Complete History of RiffTrax Live

By Gavin Jasper

Movies

The Rod Serling Christmas Movie You Never Saw

By Chris Farnell

Once we return to Santa, we’re finally introduced to the Ice Cream Bunny. Words cannot do this justice. It’s a guy in a terrible rabbit suit driving a fire truck filled with kids when the guy most certainly can’t see what he’s doing and almost runs over a dog. There’s this really unsavory feeling watching what’s supposed to be a delightful movie for children and Bill kills it by adding a horrifying, demented laugh whenever the Ice Cream Bunny is on screen.

RiffTrax has two different versions of the movie. One is the classic VOD released in 2010, where the movie takes a lengthy break to show us the stuff with Thumbelina. In 2015, they did a RiffTrax Live edition with a different print of the movie. In it, the Thumbelina stuff was replaced with Jack and the Beanstalk. Comparing the two is a no-brainer as Jack and the Beanstalk is far more entertaining on its own and is 70s as hell. Plus the RiffTrax Live version includes several bonkers shorts beforehand.

“The sequel to The Ice Cream Bunny’s Amos and Andy!”

SANTA CLAUS’ PUNCH AND JUDY (1948)

The Idea: Santa visits a large group of children (orphans?) and delivers their presents, but one of them asks for a Punch and Judy puppet show. Santa uses his magic to summon such a performance to the delight of the children.

The Output: Have you ever watched a Punch and Judy show? Yeah, nobody goes out of their way to see one. There’s nothing all that wrong with the kids, Santa, or the setup in this short. The focus is just on what I imagine to be a skilled exhibition of puppeteering that hasn’t aged well. Just a puppet beating his girlfriend with a stick, as well as various animals, and we get a break where two minstrel show puppets have a boxing match. So yeah, fun for children.

“He’s like some horrible Soviet Bloc animated version of Santa.” “His nose looks like an infected thumb!”

THE SHANTY WHERE SANTY CLAUS LIVES (1933)

The Idea: A poor little boy live alone and in the cold, doomed to freeze on Christmas Eve. Luckily, he’s discovered by Santa, who takes him away to his own home, where the kid sees all sorts of wonders.

The Output: First thing’s first, the Santa Claus in this movie is rather horrific, one of the scariest of all the Santas in all of these movies, which is impressive for a cartoon. Despite being the title character, he only gets about a minute of screen time anyway. The rest is either the kid being depressed and cold or the kid watching yet another old-timey cartoon scenario where the toys just kind of do stuff and sing for several minutes until something resembling a plot happens at the end. In this case, the tree accidentally catches on fire and the boy has to help put it out.

The most striking thing about this short is the never-ending parade of racism. Lot of uncomfortable toys lounging in the shanty where Santy Claus lives.

“Ooooooh, I’m full grown, all right!” “Kids, if you ever hear someone say that in that voice, call the cops.”

MAGIC CHRISTMAS TREE (1964)

The Idea: A child befriends a witch around Halloween and is given a seed that will eventually sprout a magical Christmas tree. Not only does it talk, but it will also grant him three wishes! Unfortunately, the power goes to the boy’s head and his poor decisions put Christmas in some serious danger.

The Output: While it may not be the absolute best RiffTrax, it’s the best kind of bad movie for them to tackle. The movie is incredibly strange, but it gradually builds on it. In the beginning, it’s almost straightforward, but it gets more and more questionable as the minutes pass. For instance, there’s a scene where the main character’s family leaves to go Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. The boy makes a wish to have ultimate power for a limited time (why a limited time? I don’t know) and uses his power to make it day and then goes around messing with people who are doing their usual daily routines, not at all aware that it’s supposed to be the night before Christmas.

Read more

Movies

The Best Alternative Christmas movies

By Mark Harrison

Movies

Disney+ Christmas Movies for Kids: The Best Family Films to Watch this Holiday Season

By Alana Joli Abbott

By the end, we have a greed-loving giant living in the mountains showing up out of nowhere. What Christmas movie isn’t complete without a greed-loving giant living in the mountains showing up out of nowhere?

“And in the second place, ice cream break was over more than an hour ago!” “Ah, kids love it when furries have labor disputes.”

SANTA’S ENCHANTED VILLAGE (1964)

The Idea: As a sequel/extension of the Mexican Santa Claus movie (more on that later), we see a village where Santa’s various helpers get toys ready for the holiday season. Unfortunately, Stinky the Skunk would rather take extremely long breaks, much to the chagrin of his supervisor, the Ferocious Wolf.

The Output: By “sequel” I mainly mean that the guy who made this had the rights to the Santa Claus movie and would occasionally toss in clips from it. The original footage in this short (and the two that follow) are incredibly low-rent, mainly in the form of the mascot costume characters and their terrible voices. Most notable is how the Ferocious Wolf is accompanied by loud, obnoxious accordion noises whenever he walks around. Which is a lot.

Read more

Movies

The Best Christmas Movie Soundtracks of All Time

By Ivan Radford

TV

The Best Christmas Movies Available on Netflix

By Alec Bojalad

One of the true highlights is when the Ferocious Wolf visits Santa’s office and rants about how Stinky the Skunk is such a bad employee. Santa’s reaction is to just sit there the entire time, nodding and laughing his ass off like a lunatic. Which reminds me, the Ferocious Wolf complaining about his ulcer is – I kid you not – his catchphrase.

“Hey! Right here at this moment, this officially became the craziest thing ever made by man.” “Seriously, Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas.”

SANTA CLAUS AND HIS HELPERS (1964)

The Idea: The Ferocious Wolf, Stinky the Skunk, and Puss’n Boots get in a big argument and Santa is none too pleased. Watching from space along with his good friend Merlin, Santa decides to go give his angry employees a visit and set them straight.

The Output: This installment of the Santa’s Village of Madness Trilogy is easily the least coherent. Seeing the costumed characters is complete bedlam and even the riffers give up in awe of the chaos. Not only is half of the footage of this short taken directly from Santa Claus, but a couple minutes are taken from Santa’s Enchanted Village! But hey, no angry accordion music this time, so that’s something.

“Whoa! He’s got a face like a squid’s anus!”

SANTA’S MAGIC KINGDOM (1966)

The Idea: Puss’n Boots is the head of security in Santa’s Village and he confronts a visitor. It turns out to be a princess on the run from a giant ogre that’s out to destroy Santa Claus and end Christmas! Puss needs to gather an army together to face this beast and save Christmas.

The Output: So this giant ogre? They never actually show him. Well, except for a shot of a lame dinosaur statue that we see for a second. I don’t know if that’s actually supposed to be the ogre. Whatever. Otherwise, the narrative is just another fever dream filmed with the tiniest budget. Merlin ends up being the one to challenge the big monster and what a fight it is! I think. They never actually show any of it. We just hear them off-screen while everyone else reacts. The elves couldn’t even do that right.

“Ladies and gentlemen, a third-string ballerina on painkillers.”

SANTA CLAUS AND THE FAIRY SNOW QUEEN (1951)

The Idea: A six-inch tall woman called the Snow Queen visits Santa on Christmas Eve, but is annoyed to see him sleeping in her presence. As a joke, she gives life to a handful of nearby toys. The various toys dance and laugh, but are reluctant to be given off to children as lifeless gifts. Not only have they taken to being alive, but they’ve also grown attached to each other. Whatever will Santa and the Snow Queen do?

The Output: This whole thing is incomprehensible and it doesn’t help that the Snow Queen has a really thick European accent that you can barely cut through. The real star of this short is the Candy Lion. See, while you have understandable, recognizable toys hanging around like a toy soldier, a ballerina, a ragdoll, a Jack-in-the-box, and so on, you also have the Candy Lion. Described as a half-mummified Chewbacca, the dead-eyed toy stands around in the background for the most part and gets one memorable line when he excitedly brags to Santa, “I can eat candy!”

Read more

TV

13 Craziest Interpretations of Santa Claus to Ever Slide Down a Chimney

By Daniel Kurland

Culture

The Beatles Christmas Messages Were Carols to Be Played at Maximum Volume

By Tony Sokol

The Jack-in-the-box is easily one of the more annoying characters in RiffTrax history, though. Goddamn that repeating freak. This is all hosted by Snoopy, a high-pitched “brownie” (which appears to be no different than an elf) who I’m not sure if I’m repulsed by or attracted to.

“My finger isn’t tired!” “Oh, God! What is he about to do?!”

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)

The Idea: On Mars, children have become joyless and robotic due to the planet’s lack of fun and insistence on constant studying and good behavior. The only thing that brings them any happiness is watching Earth programs, such as news on this Santa Claus character. Afraid for the future of his planet, Kimar and his crew visit Earth to kidnap Santa (and eventually two children) and bring him to Mars so that he can spread joy to their world…whether he wants to or not!

The Output: While this movie may be on the IMDB bottom 100, I consider it a guilty pleasure. As I discussed when speaking with Kevin Murphy, I think at its core, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a great concept for a children’s movie. It has its own unique whimsy. Unfortunately, it’s hurt by bad, hammy acting and the kind of bad costuming and effects you’d expect from a movie like this.

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Movies

10 remarkable things: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

By Ryan Lambie

TV

The Best Christmas Movies Available on Amazon Prime

By Alec Bojalad

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the only RiffTrax movie to also be featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Cinematic Titanic (the offshoot where the other MST3K cast members went off to), and RiffTrax, all with their own unique set of jokes. There’s a good reason for that. The movie is incredibly silly and ripe for mockery, yet at the same time completely and utterly watchable. The RiffTrax version features the movie in its entirety, rather than the abridged version from MST3K.

“Don’t you wish that your school bus looked like this?!” “Packed with bearded lunatics and flanked by grim clowns? No!”

FUN IN BALLOON LAND (1965)

The Idea: A little boy goes to sleep and dreams of a world of giant balloon people and other children to play with. After getting into a variety of adventures, he and a little girl watch a holiday parade filled with all sorts of balloon floats.

The Output: This 1960s nightmare is the perfect B-side to Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. The first third of it is complete and utter nonsense. This little boy would just wander around a warehouse, stumble upon some kind of big balloon statue, someone would voice said statue by shouting from across the room off-screen, and then it would move on to a completely unrelated scene. There is a group of ballerinas who show up to dance for absolutely no reason. At one point the boy is inexplicably walking around in only a gold lamé diaper and Kevin wonders, “Is this movie even legal?” The boy proceeds to hit on mermaids and plays hide-and-seek with a lobster thing.

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Culture

25 Unsung Christmas Icons

By Gavin Jasper

TV

The Best Christmas Movies Available on Hulu

By Alec Bojalad

Then it becomes old footage of a holiday parade that lasts about a half hour and has more clowns and majorettes than I have ever seen in one place at one time. It’s pretty dry, but the woman narrating it is completely insane and the RiffTrax crew show absolutely no mercy in painting her as some kind of drunk lunatic. She ends the movie with a “guessing game” where she keeps changing the rules every three seconds and you don’t even know what the hell is going on.

“Still going? If this was a game of Ski Free, the Abominable Snowman would have gobbled them up hours ago.”

ZLATEH THE GOAT (1973)

The Idea: A boy named Aaron reluctantly has to bring his family’s prized goat Zlateh to the butcher in order to sell her. During the journey, the weather takes a horrible turn and Aaron and Zlateh are forced to hide out under a pile of hay for several days. The two form a bond that allows them to survive the ordeal.

The Output: This Hanukkah story is absolutely miserable. Despite being just a short, it feels like it goes on forever and pads itself out with many shots of the kid having to drag the goat through the snow. And you know how I just said that they form a bond that allows Aaron to survive? Yeah, that’s from him drinking milk directly from Zlateh. It’s nasty.

“It’s fun to make things of sugar. And they are good to eat.” “WHAT?!” “Just grab a slice of instant diabetes, kids!”

AT YOUR FINGERTIPS: SUGAR AND SPICE (1970)

The Idea: The At Your Fingertips series is all about arts and crafts using stuff around the house. Here, we see how you can use sugar to create festive Christmas ornaments. Through creativity and hard work, you can make decorating a blast!

The Output: The At Your Fingertips series is all about spending way too much time on ugly and insane crap that really looks far from fun. This Christmas-related one is no different. Things come off as less festive and more gross and unpleasant. And that’s before the children start eating pure sugar. Ugh.

“If she’s already sleeping, we might be able to see her dreams.” “We’re in, children. Let’s get ready to begin our Christmas inception. I won’t lie to you: we might have to shoot our way out.”

SANTA CLAUS (1959)

The Idea: In a Mexican adaptation of the Santa Claus myth, we see the jolly one as he spends the night delivering presents. Some children get extra focus for the movie, including a little boy whose parents don’t seem to have time for him and a poor, little girl who only wants a doll to play with. As Santa tries to make right by them, he’s vexed by Pitch, a devil sent to ruin Christmas for everyone.

The Output: This is another MST3K double-dip, but for good reason. It’s delightfully insane. See, Santa is already a nutty concept, but we get into Drunk History territory here where the people behind the movie don’t quite get it and his mythology gets even stranger in translation.

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Movies

The Strangest and Most Disturbing Santa Claus Movie of Them All

By Jim Knipfel

TV

The 12 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

By Chris Longo and 1 other

Did you know Santa is good friends with Merlin the Magician? Did you know that he has a burly blacksmith working for him? Or that Santa lives in space with little children from all around the world doing his bidding? Or that he regularly fights the minions of Satan?

The MST3K version might be better, but it is nice getting to see the full cut of the movie for once.

“Who and what are you?” “I am—“ “Meryl Streep. I am good in everything.”

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1952)

The Idea: The Alastair Sim version of A Christmas Carol, otherwise known as Scrooge, is considered an outright classic. Perhaps the greatest telling of the Charles Dickens story of a hateful rich man realizing his own humanity thanks to being visited by ghosts. Here, we get to see the movie in its abridged form and get through it in minutes.

The Output: Listen, A Christmas Carol has a pretty solidified structure. Scrooge is a dick, his dead friend warns him, he gets led around by three other ghosts, and he comes out of it a better person. Abridging it simply does not work. Basically, Marley introduces him to the Ghost of Christmas Present and that’s enough to make a change. Bridget puts it best: “They edited the Dickens out of the movie!”

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Movies

A Christmas Carol: The Best and Worst Adaptations

By Robert Keeling

TV

The Most Disturbing TV Christmas Specials

By Wesley Mead

This short is part of Have a Mary Jo Christmas and a Bridget New Year, which is done by Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson instead of the usual riffers. It features some non-riff stuff in-between this and the following short…

“Man, I wish I hadn’t gone commando today…”

THE LITTLE LAMB (1955)

The Idea: During storytime, a group of children ask to hear a story about an animal while one girl wants to hear a story about Jesus. Their mother figures to cover both by telling the story of Jesus’ birth from the point of view of three shepherds. While two of them brave strong winds to save a lost, little lamb, an angel appears to them to tell them about the birth of Christ. They and their curmudgeonly associate go off to find the new king.

The Output: Honestly, this one isn’t all that bad, really. It’s a pretty solid production and the only part that really gets a rise out of Mary Jo and Bridget is when they warm baby Jesus’ body by laying the lamb next to him. It’s not the most memorable little short, but it’s fine for what it is.

Plus I’m always distracted by how much the guy playing Joseph looks like CM Punk. It’s downright uncanny in some shots.

“A real child’s actual tears! I know I’m ready for Christmas!”

I BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS (1984)

The idea: Simon is a bullied child whose parents have been kidnapped by African soldiers. Desperate to get them back, he and a friend sneak off from a school field trip and board a plane in hopes to find where Santa Claus lives. Alongside a Christmas Fairy (who looks an awful lot like Simon’s kindly teacher), Santa goes to Africa to rescue the captives. Meanwhile, the children are captured by an ogre.

The Output: Did any of that sound lucid? Because this French film is out there, man. It’s cute, but it also decides that being a kid’s movie means it doesn’t have to be logically coherent. You know, even though there’s an entire plot thread about African warlords kidnapping people. Kids like that stuff, right?

You know that, “I’m the captain now!” part of Captain Phillips? Imagine Tom Hanks replaced with Santa in that scene and you’re just hitting the tip of the iceberg of how bizarre this Christmas film is.

“Monkeys, you know, are very much like human beings in many ways. And sometimes they do the very same things that we do.” “Why, here’s a monkey Black Friday stampede!”

SANTA CLAUS’ STORY (1945)

The Idea: It begins with Twas the Night Before Christmas and ends with the, “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus,” speech. In-between, Santa tells two children about how monkeys also celebrate Christmas and have their very own Monkey Santa Claus.

The Output: Monkey Santa Claus. Really.

This short is barely being held together by a narrative. They basically have a bunch of footage of monkeys and chimps doing stuff and since this includes 20 seconds of a chimp wearing a horrifying Santa Claus mask and costume, they decide that there’s a Monkey Christmas and write everything around that.

Somehow, this was the sanest thing shown at the RiffTrax Live for Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

“Bricks on his face. Sure! He’s a dragon.” “All dragons have bricks on their face.”

THE TALE OF THE CUSTARD DRAGON (1965)

The Idea: Ogden Nash’s poem for children comes to life. A little girl has a pet dog, cat, mouse, and dragon. The dragon, named Custard, is a bit of a coward and only wants to be let alone. But then on one Christmas Eve, when his friends are attacked by an evil pirate, Custard has to stand up and save their presents.

The Output: The poem is acted out via a handful of kids in little Halloween costumes, including Custard being a dragon with a brick facemask. The short takes place in somebody’s den and aesthetically, the whole thing is a weird mess. Custard also straight-up murders the pirate, which makes sense on the page, but feels a bit off the reservation when we see a child viciously attacking an adult in a lame costume.

“AAAAAHHHH! Hannibal Lecter’s Christmas trees!” “Good God, he’s keeping them alive!”

THE CHRISTMAS TREE (1975)

The Idea: This short tells us the story of three pine trees who are cut down and go through the process of becoming Christmas trees. This means being sold, being decorated, enduring Christmas, and, sadly, being discarded. Shown in live-action, the trees are portrayed by mimes in tree costumes and facepaint.

The Output: It’s cute, but also bewildering. With zero dialogue, we watch these three guys mug at each other while Christmas stuff happens around them. As strange as it is by default, it loses its mind in the final minutes when we see the trees thrown in the garbage as they start to die. Not only do the trees-with-faces die, but we get to see their trees-with-faces ghosts fly up into the sky.

Tree ghosts. Yup.

“GAH! His face looks like a series of horrible wounds!” “That just started healing.” “What are the dots..?!”

SANTA’S CHRISTMAS CIRCUS (1966)

The Idea: Hey, kids! It’s time for Whizzo the Clown! This local TV clown has a special show in store for everyone as he and his audience of kids play around and pretend to be circus performers! Then they check out some motorized Christmas-based decorations before getting ready for the main event: riding a magic carpet and visiting Santa himself!

The Output: This one’s best summed up right after the opening credits end. As Whizzo walks out and mumbles loudly like he’s having an episode, Mike laughingly wonders if they’ve gone too far, knowing that the three of them are about to sit through some rough shit. While Whizzo certainly has energy and some kind of charisma, he’s also the poster boy for why people are frightened of clowns without having to go the easy serial killer route. No, he’s a friendly and jokey clown, but he’s also completely horrifying to look at.

This low-budget affair not only features Whizzo’s catchphrase of, “Now I have that to worry about,” but also the catchphrase of one girl in the audience loudly coughing throughout the hour. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to sit through.

“Yeah… Celebrate the nativity… That’s what daddy likes…”

GIFTS FROM THE AIR (1937)

The Idea: A poor boy wanders through the snow, enduring Christmas Eve without food, family, or toys. He comes across a toy store where a dancing toy soldier annoys the store owner enough to have him thrown out. The boy takes the soldier in to his humble home and his good deed is rewarded as the toy soldier happens to know how to summon Santa Claus himself!

The Output: Dancing toy cartoons with poor kids is nothing new for RiffTrax, but this one is certainly unique enough to be a must-watch. The moment Santa delivers the toys to the little boy, it becomes complete and utter madness. It’s a bunch of bizarre toys who talk like what appears to be 1930s celebrities. Like there’s a goat that sings like Bing Crosby, so even though I know who Bing Crosby is, that doesn’t make the toy goat make any more sense.

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Movies

MST3K Turkey Day: The Long History of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Thanksgiving

By Gavin Jasper

Culture

Best Holiday Gifts for Geeks in 2020

By Chris Cummins

The highlight is when a Santa Jack-in-the-box pops out and tells another toy something so indistinct that Mike notes, “‘How the hell are you, scramble puss? Smelly Christmas to you,’ is what I heard.”

“Well. This place looks cozy. I LIVE HERE NOW!”

SANTA CLAUS’ WORKSHOP (1930s)

The Idea: Once again, we get to see how Santa Claus performs his duties. From his home in the North Pole to the home of a nice middle-class family, we see Santa get letters from kids, fly on his sleigh, and deliver the presents themselves. We also get a look at the family in question, who celebrate the holidays via singing a lovely rendition of “O Come All Ye Faithful.”

The Output: It’s your usual fare on this one and not too much that sticks out. That’s not to say that it’s meant to be skipped, as Kevin singing “Pretty Woman” over “O Come All Ye Faithful” makes this worth the dollar.

The one part of the short that makes it seem off is the revelation towards the end that Santa doesn’t simply fly across the world to deliver presents in one go, but instead flies back and forth for every single household. I mean, Santa can only carry so many presents in that sack of his, right?

“And so, they started out together, not realizing they were being followed.” “Well, they were easy to track…thanks to a long trail of spunk.” “DAMN IT, KEVIN!” “(Sorry.)”

SPUNKY THE SNOWMAN (1958)

The Idea: When a group of children write a letter to Santa, it’s up to their newly-created snowman Spunky to deliver it to Santa himself. Spunky and the little dog Jeff go on a quest, only to be opposed by a fox, an owl, and a wolf. Each creature wants to steal that letter and bring it to Santa, figuring that they can then steal the gifts. Spunky and Jeff are soon aided by a bear, but can even he keep them safe?

The Output: The guy’s name is Spunky. You know exactly what kind of jokes you’re getting the second you see that title.

Otherwise, it’s an animated story that tries to be whimsical, but is really just nonsense. It takes a bunch of Christmas cliches like magic snowmen, letters to Santa, talking animals, and desire for Christmas trees and badly pastes it all together into a confusing package.

“When you’re not shaking that over our heads to make us work, you can hobble around on it and enjoy your sciatica!” “A zinger from TV’s Frank!”

BEYOND CHRISTMAS (1940)

The idea: Three old rich men feel lonely during Christmas night and one comes up with an idea of throwing wallets with $10 bills out onto the sidewalk and inviting anyone kind enough to return them to enjoy dinner with them. The gambit pays off and leads to a romance between a Texan with a golden voice and a schoolteacher. Unfortunately, tragedy strikes the old men and they have to help the couple out from beyond the grave.

The output: This movie (originally known as Beyond Tomorrow) is actually pretty damn good. It’s a little sluggish in the second half, but it’s original, has some likeable characters, and never really gets too stupid. Even Bridget and Mary Jo find themselves getting invested in what’s going on when they should be telling jokes. With them, it feels more like you’re watching a movie together rather than just watching them rip it apart.

Personally, I think it would make for a better Christmas movie if the first act took place during Thanksgiving and built towards an ending happening during Christmas. Might have made the supernatural and uplifting stuff pop more.

“Seriously, what the Hell is going on with the mitten tree?!”

CHRISTMAS CUSTOMS NEAR AND FAR (1955)

The idea: As some children prepare for a Christmas pageant, one asks their teacher about the origins of the Christmas tree. This leads to her explaining how children from different countries celebrate Christmas in varying ways.

The output: As we all know, different = funny. While some of the customs might be normal, it doesn’t help that most of them are depicted by children dressing up as foreigners while standing in front of a curtain. So it’s a Christmas pageant within a short about the attempt to rehearse a Christmas pageant. Crazy.

Through the short, we get to see a weird kid dancing around in an elf hat, a Christmas tree covered in mittens, and a thing about how kids in China do a big ceremony to celebrate the events of Christ’s birth.

“Whaddya know?! Armed and dangerous!” “None of my quips are funny but some…make very little sense!”

JACK FROST (1997)

The idea: Not to be confused with the Michael Keaton family film from the same time, Jack Frost deals with a serial killer who escapes captivity, only to be seemingly vaporized by a chemical spill. In actuality, he survives as living snow and uses his new form to attempt revenge on the police officer that arrested him in the first place. Even when the officer and his family know what they’re up against, they don’t even know if there’s a way to stop him.

The output: I remember renting this baby back in the late-90s and, hoo boy, it’s a lot worse than I remembered it being. As a horror villain, Jack Frost wants to be like Freddy Krueger or Chucky, where he kills his victims while belting out memorable one-liners. The problem is, everything he says falls flat or is complete nonsense. He constantly stumbles on his own attempts at charisma.

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Movies

MST3K: The Landmark Episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000

By Gavin Jasper

TV

Doctor Who: The Weird Anomaly of the 1965 ‘Christmas Special’

By Andrew Blair

Despite taking place in a town in winter that’s supposed to support the existence of snowmen and sledding and the like, it’s obviously taking place in a hot and sunny area with weak attempts to hide it.

It’s still better than the sequel, which was one of those cringeworthy “intentionally bad” gems.

“God… Oh no, have they been hypnotized?” “I…I…I think it might be a cult. They’re quietly chanting to that tree right now.” “…I think the tree might be marrying them.” “This is horrible!”

A CHRISTMAS FANTASY (1962)

The Idea: Two children admire their Christmas tree before falling asleep on the couch. As they dream of trees in the winter, Santa Claus appears to deliver gifts. It’s only just over five minutes, so there isn’t much happening here.

The Output: Despite its short runtime, this one really meanders. The way the kids stare at the tree like they’re about to be murdered by the Blair Witch. The endless shots of trees with no leaves on them.

The money shot of this short is when Santa shows up. Rather than just get a guy to wear a beard and call it a day, they instead have him wear a mask. It seriously looks like Leatherface is pretending to be Santa here and it’s HORRIFYING. As the guys put it, even Krampus is freaked out by this Santa.

“Santa, I wrote you a new song!” “Oh, good! A song! That’ll get me hammered.”

A SONG FOR SANTA

The idea: A trio of lost boys find themselves in a church and sit down to enjoy the warmth and chorus. One child nods off from the music and finds himself in Santa’s domain, where he offers to create a new and original Christmas song to delight Santa and his angels.

The output: The first half is normal enough, despite little of interest happening. Right when the Santa stuff happens, things get weird and creepy. Instead of elves, Santa has little girls dressed as angels and disturbingly leers at them like there’s no good that can come out of whatever’s happening. The boy’s attempt to write Santa a new song goes nowhere, as he just sings him an old song with the justification that, “I didn’t know this song until now, so it must be new to you too.”

This is another one of those oddball shorts or movies where there’s a framing device that’s forgotten about. The boy never wakes up from his dream or anything. It just ends with him hanging out with creepy Santa and his underage harem.

“Spirit…tell me if Tiny Tim will live.” “I see an empty chair in the chimney corner.” “Oh, so he not only lives, he walks?!” “No!” “It’s a Christmas miracle!” “No, no!”

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1959)

The idea: I explained Christmas Carol earlier. Luckily, we finally have a version that’s the full story and not abridged like what Bridget and Mary Jo watched.

The output: This one’s by Coronet Films, meaning it’s old as hell and feels cheap. To its credit, despite running at just over 20 minutes, it tells the complete story without feeling rushed. It just feels a bit under budget, what with the limited quality in costumes and several sets being some props on a fog-filled sound stage.

Still, it’s A Christmas Carol and you have to go out of your way to do a bad job with that. This one’s still fairly watchable, even if the riffs are well-deserved.

“This isn’t so much A Miracle on 34th Street as it is A Horse Who Took a Dump on 34th Street.”

SANTA’S SUMMER HOUSE (2012)

The idea: A group of travelers get lost in a fog and end up at the doorstep of a kindly couple who allow them to stay in their mansion for a couple days. Little do these visitors realize that their hosts are none other than Santa Claus and his wife! The two try to use their wisdom and magic to improve the lives of these visitors and mend their relationships.

The output: This piece of shit is written and directed by the same guys who gave us A Talking Cat!?! It even takes place in the same house. At least with Talking Cat!?! there were two separate houses used. Here, it’s just the one.

It’s a hell of a lineup of actors. Mrs. Claus starred in RiffTrax target Honor and Glory. The egomaniac scientist guy in this movie is the JCVD knockoff from MST3K’s Future War. Santa himself is played by Robert Mitchum’s son. Even though he isn’t all that overweight and doesn’t have a beard, he’s still identified as looking a lot like Santa.

The movie is just bad dialogue said by bad actors, occasionally broken up by wipe edits featuring Christmas Clip-Art. It never reaches Talking Cat!?! levels of batshit, but it’s still stupid as a pile of rocks.

“They’re buying a brother?!”

CHARLIE’S CHRISTMAS SECRET (1984)

The idea: A young Seth Green plays Charlie, who feels that he’s outgrown Christmas. The commercialism does nothing for him and makes him feel hollow. At first, his instincts are vindicated when he comes across various others – a bitter, old woman, a poor single mother, and a scheming homeless man – but soon he realizes the meaning of Christmas by putting their needs first.

The output: Again, this one is halfway decent. All in all, it tells a really sweet story. It just happens to have a few awkward aspects to it. The whole thing has subtitles and they almost never match what’s actually being said, instead going for the simplest way of conveying whatever thoughts. Like instead of saying, “No thank you, I’m not hungry right now,” it would just say, “No.”

The most questionable part of this special, and something that I’m glad is called out by the riffers, is that Charlie apparently has to buy his own Christmas gifts. Part of the plot is that he has his eye on a stereo and instead of asking Santa for it or having his parents buy it for him, he has to save up the money from his paper route, get the stereo, and then have his mother wrap it and place it under the tree.

What the Hell?

“No. No way. There’s no such thing as Santa Claus. You’re just someone in a Santa suit.” “That’s why YOU never get anything for Christmas!” “Also, ’cause you made Feeders!”

FEEDERS 2: SLAY BELLS (1998)

The Idea: Previously, aliens invaded and feasted on a handful of confused and horrified Earthlings. Now a second UFO has arrived to conquer again, this time with its aliens creeping around and causing havoc through a suburban town. As one family gets ready for Christmas, they gradually come to realize how doomed they truly are.

The Output: RiffTrax was kind of slick on this one. On Halloween of 2019, they put out a riff for an utterly terrible low-budget piece of garbage called Feeders, which is about a bunch of laughable alien puppets invading Earth and killing some of the ugliest people to ever show up on film. Then, just a couple months later, they released a riff on its Christmas-themed sequel.

While I do suggest watching the first one, you won’t be too lost if you don’t. A survivor from the first movie goes about summarizing the first movie’s events in a series of loose framing devices that aren’t directly connected to the rest of the movie. It is pretty funny on its own, though, because a character who died in the first movie and is featured prominently in the flashbacks is played by the very same guy who is the protagonist of this movie.

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Movies

The 16 Best Winter Horror Movies

By Daniel Kurland and 3 others

TV

The Twilight Zone Marathon: A History of a Holiday Tradition

By Arlen Schumer

Not only does the climax take place on Christmas Eve, but Santa gets involved! Santa, who for some reason sounds like Homsar from Homestar Runner, is attacked by aliens (who look even worse than in the first movie) and proceeds to be the secret weapon in saving the world. He’s up there with the over-the-top boss character and the silliest-looking dead cat special effect in reasons why you should watch this one.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

“And now I will read you this editorial.” “‘The Rent is Too Damn High!’ by Virginia O’Hanlon”

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS (1974)

The Idea: A young girl, teased by her classmates, wonders about the existence of Santa Claus. Various adults try to assure her of his existence despite admitting that they’ve never actually met him. She ends up writing to the newspaper and asks them. Egged on by an ambitious paperboy, the newspaper’s editor decides to publish his response for everyone to read.

The Output: Imagine watching a Peanuts special that features absolutely none of the Peanuts cast and is at about 75% the quality. That’s what this cartoon is. It’s also very dull, what with them trying to add a narrative to the whole newspaper editorial.

There is some real heart in it, but it doesn’t work as a whole. Probably my favorite part is when the “Yes, Virginia” editorial is read out loud. Despite the simplistic animation, the people’s reactions are emotional. Some kids seem humbled. Some adult couples embrace. Then all of the sudden, the local Irish cop character does a happy jig that probably cost them half the animation budget.

“All of this was in Dickens’ first draft, by the way. Even the goofy music.”

BANKS: THE MONEY MOVERS (1977)

The Idea: Due to his familiarity as a popular literary character, Ebenezer Scrooge (er, Arthur Scrooge?) is used as a window to help people learn about how banks work and why they are a worthwhile place to put your money. As a stand-in for the viewer, Scrooge learns about deposits, withdrawals, interest, loans, and other aspects of the business.

The Output: This is all explained via a version of Christmas Carol where Scrooge is taught a lesson by ghosts for being stingy with his money. Namely that he keeps it in his mattress. As Mike points out, it’s incredibly messed up that Marley is suffering eternal damnation because he never got a Wells Fargo account. I get trying to map your lesson onto a preexisting story, but think it through a little!

Also wild in this is how despite his old-timey appearance, Scrooge exists in modern times and is even seen using a check to buy a motor scooter. It’s completely inane, but at least the guy playing Scrooge seems like he’s having a fun time.

“The birth of Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen. That’s what it’s all about.”

ALIAS ST. NICK (1935)

The Idea: As a family of adorable mice get ready for Christmas, a scheming cat decides to get through their defenses by dressing up as Santa Claus, delivering their gifts, and then devouring them. His plan appears to be working extremely well, but there’s one mouse child who doesn’t believe in Santa and is quick to see through his disguise.

The Output: Although the guys don’t bring it up, it’s kind of odd that the kid who spends the whole cartoon being loudly and annoyingly skeptic about the existence of Santa Claus is absolutely 100% vindicated. There isn’t some kind of last-second evidence of Santa or something. It just ends.

Otherwise, this is just your average off-brand Looney Tunes cartoon. Probably the most bizarre moment is when the cat puts together his Santa costume and strips a doll naked to make his beard.

“And now the ancient tradition of giving a present to Tommy Lasorda.”

DECEMBER HOLIDAYS (1982)

The Idea: A narrator explains three of the bigger December holidays: Posadas, Chanukah, and Christmas. Through what appears to be fly on the wall footage, various families celebrate these holidays with their festive traditions. The narrator tries to educate the viewer on the families’ behavior and how it relates to the origins of the holidays.

The Output: I mean, that’s…pretty much it. There’s nothing wacky about this short. It’s pretty dull, but it’s a decent enough target for Mike, Bill, and Kevin. Sometimes you don’t need an Ice Cream Bunny to have a good time.

“When are you planning on going back to Florida?” “I think we’re going to wait until you have your baby. Just want to make sure you’re okay.” “And that you don’t give birth to a CGI vampire baby.”

BABY OF THE BRIDE (1991)

The Idea: A made-for-TV movie starring Rue McClanahan is actually the second in a trilogy about a dysfunctional, all-grown-up family filled with all kinds of interpersonal problems. In the previous movie, Margaret Becker married a much younger man and it took her children some time to adjust. Now things are getting crazy as not only is one of her daughters pregnant, but Margaret is pregnant too! She, her new husband, and her four kids all have to deal with a ton of drama, which all culminates at midnight mass!

The Output: This is another Bridget and Mary Jo installment and the two have a habit of tackling movies that aren’t so much the worst thing ever, but are too corny to ignore. That’s Baby of the Bride, pretty much. It’s very much a watchable movie, but it’s also a movie about Blanche from Golden Girls being pregnant, which is buried among all kinds of different subplots about how dysfunctional her family is. This family collectively gets divorced more than they get their cars’ oil checked.

The whole narrative is about eight months long because of the whole double pregnancy thing, but the climax is during Christmas Eve, so I guess it ultimately counts as a holiday movie. It just takes a long time to get there.

“I think this guy was a boss in Cuphead.”

THE SNOWMAN (1932)

The Idea: Somewhere in the arctic, an Inuit child and his animal friends enjoy their slightly-less-chilly summer by building a snowman. After happily putting it together and throwing snowballs at it, the snowman comes alive and goes on a rampage. Can the child destroy what he created before the malevolent snow beast goes too far?

The Output: This cartoon is all over the place and is one of the absolute best holiday shorts RiffTrax has commented on. So much crazy shit is compressed into this package. Snowman buttcracks? Check. Jimmy Durante impressions? Check. Penguin church? Check. I won’t even spoil how the snowman is defeated other than saying that it’s completely ridiculous and makes zero sense.

Still, it’s better than that Snowman movie with Harry Hole getting all the clues.

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