#like what if i started reading house of leaves at 3 am bc im anxious whaf then

[hauntedpearl]

reading a romance novel where i like everything but the romance this is not a fun experience but i am 78% in and i jst need to. finish it.

#i can't let the story go unfinished but i am so close to thr end. #like what if i started reading house of leaves at 3 am bc im anxious whaf then #(it's a bad idea i have been told that that book is legit scary) #maybe dig by a s king? #i need A PRETTY BOOK. #like LYRICAL PROSE BOOK #like something like anna marie McLemore of dark and deepest red pretty

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

#purity culture #sex talk #christianity #sex and relationships #sex and religion #mylife #answered asks #aspec #cw sex

[hoekageyama]

cmfrt

yaku morisuke x reader

warnings: nsfw, smut, uhhhh grey sweatpants (ik im sorry ew)

wc: ~3k

a/n: hi hi! this is my first piece, so pls go easy on me ._. this started off as something fluffy bc my desire for yaku content is thru the roof (as it should be), but ofc i got off the rails and went the soft smut route lmao oops. anyway, i hope u enjoy! 

~ also! please don’t consume this content if you are not of age, thnx <3 ~

You and Yaku had been best friends for years. Having gone to the same middle school and practically being next door neighbors. Needless to say, you spent a lot of time together; you two were pretty much attached at the hip. So when Yaku told you that he’d also be going to Nekoma for high school, you were pretty excited but not really surprised. 

Throughout high school, the two of you spent as much time together as possible, proving to be difficult at times with every ounce of Yaku’s free time being devoured by volleyball and the endless amounts of studying that was required for prepping for uni. All that aside, the two of you always found time for each other. Whether it be little lunch dates on the weekends, small study sessions in the library, or even facetime hangouts when you were both exhausted and too lazy to actually meet up face to face.

It felt like any other Friday when you and Yaku met up in the early morning to walk to school together. “Y/n, did you finish that history report yet? I’m almost done, but I need someone to review it so I don’t look like an idiot when I present on it.” Yaku ran a hand through his light brown hair and looked over to your slightly shorter form.

You turn to Yaku, noticing how his cheeks were slightly flushed due to the cold wind blowing directly in your faces. “Just about. I just need to finish my conclusion, but it shouldn’t take me too long to power through it. Also, yeah, I can take a look at it. No worries.” You turn away after answering the boy, and continue on your walk, thinking that was the end of that conversation. You can feel his gaze on you suddenly, leaving your cheeks to tint to that familiar shade of red. “Thanks. Also… are you free tonight?” he asks with slight notes of hesitation in his voice. You glance at him through the side of your eye noticing his fidgeting hands. “Yea, I’m free. What’s up?”

Without looking at you or answering, he slows his pace until he’s stopped. Standing and gazing out at the trees that lined the roads, watching as the Maple leaves are shed from their branches, showing the first true signs of winter. You stop alongside him and nudge him slightly with your elbow, “Why’d you ask so suddenly, Mori? Something up?”

He jumps slightly being pulled from his thoughts. He glances over at you, “Oh, uh, no reason really. I was just wondering if you’d wanna come over tonight to study and hangout. We can chill and watch movies like the old times. I have the house to myself and all so…” When you see his raised eyebrow and sly smirk grace his features, you feel your face heat up slightly.

You turn to him giggling, “Oooooh, Mori! I didn’t know you could be such a flirt!” He wraps an arm around your shoulders and forces you to start walking again. “If that’s what you call flirting, then the guys you talk to must be braindead.” He pulls you a little closer into his chest, laughing along with you now. You nuzzle your head into his chest, breathing in his familiar scent, “Of course I’ll come. As long as you treat me to some takeout tonight.” He nods and smiles, looking at your slightly smaller form clinging to his for warmth. “Deal. We can stop by the store on our walk home, and I’ll get you whatever ya want.” You only nod in agreement, leaving the two of you to walk the rest of the way in a comfortable silence.

As the day moved on, you found yourself getting a bit anxious for your hangout with your best friend. It’s not like you haven’t slept over at his house before. In fact, you and Yaku practically slept at each other’s houses every weekend for as long as you can remember. But what was so different now? Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s because now you were painfully aware of your burning crush on the mighty libero. 

The final bell signaling the day’s end rings as you make your way through the double doors of Nekoma. Making your way towards the gym, you see Kuroo and Kai standing by the entrance chatting. “Yo Tets! Kai! You guys seen Mori anywhere?” The two both wave in greeting as you move closer to the duo. “Yea, I think he’s getting changed right now. Should be out in a bit.” Kai states. “You two still aren’t dating yet? You guys act like you're married already.” says Kuroo, rustling your hair. “Oh shut uuuuup already.” you hear Yaku groan from inside the gym. “You’re so worried about our relationship when you can barely hold a conversation with a girl without looking like a nerd.” Yaku scoffs, punching Kuroo’s arm. 

The four of you eventually split off into your own groups, making your way home for the weekend. The walk home doesn’t take very long. It’s filled with Yaku telling you about Kuroo’s horrible chemistry pickup lines and complaining about the test you both had coming up. Midway through, you both stopped at the store, picking out ample snacks for your movie night and some dinner for later.

Upon finally trudging through the icy winds, you arrive at Yaku’s house. He unlocks the door, but steps aside to let you in first. “What a gentleman!” you say jokingly as he laughs from your reaction. You slide your shoes off at the door and make a beeline straight for Yaku’s bedroom, plastic bag filled with goodies in hand. Yaku lets out a happy sigh and soon follows suit. 

Once in Yaku’s room, you lie face down on his bed groaning. “What’s wrong now, princess?” he asks as he closes the door. Plopping down on the bed next to you with two juice pouches already in hand he nudges you gently to sit up. “I completely forgot to stop by my house to pick up clothes for tonight. All I have in my bag are gym clothes.” you sigh in exasperation as you take the pouch from his cold hands.

“Oh stop. You know you can always just use some of my clothes.” he shrugs while taking a sip of his juice. “I mean.. You’ve done it before. It’s not that big of a deal. I- if you’re ok with it, that is.” he says looking over to you, waiting for your response. You nod in response moving to lie in his lap.

If you didn’t know Yaku well enough, you wouldn’t have noticed the way he tenses slightly, ears the tiniest bit redder than they were moments ago braving the cold of the outside world. “Well then, get me something comfy because I need to get out of this skirt asap!” you say brushing down the edges of your skirt, putting them into place. “I’ll say..” he mumbles. You barely heard it, but it makes your cheeks grow a little red.

After you both finish your drink, you see him disappear into his closet only to emerge moments later with two sets of clothes in hand. He tosses a black t-shirt and a pair of red shorts to you on the bed. Both of which, landing right on top of your face. “I’ll go shower up first since I don’t take ages like some people.” he says with a smirk as he reaches the door.

You giggle hearing his mocking tone “Ok that was one time! And to be fair, it was all your fault. My hair smelled like Yakuult for days after!” He blushes slightly remembering the incident, but chooses to only shake his head laughing to himself as he continues his pursuit for the bathroom.

You lie in his bed scrolling through some app on your phone when you hear the door open. Yaku returns, toweling off his lightly dampened hair, clad in just a pair of grey sweatpants that seem to barely hand onto his waist. You feel your thighs press together tightly as he throws a hoodie on, turning to see your flustered state. “What? Am I too hot for ya?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows. “Oh shut up!” you groan, rushing passed him and right out the door. You quickly hop into the shower once in the bathroom to cool off your burning cheeks, praying that you can keep it together for the rest of the night. 

Soon enough, you’re all dry, dressed, and heading for Yaku’s room. As you close the door, you see Yaku sitting at his desk running his fingers through his hair. Yaku had been working on his history paper while you were in the shower, and it seems he isn’t making much progress. You grab your back and move to sit by him, brushing against his leg with your own on the way down. He feels a shiver rush down his spine at the sudden delicate touch. “You ok, Mor?” you ask when you see him nodding profusely in response. “Yeah just can’t get this paper done. It’s like my mind is racing, but I can’t focus.” You rub his back and lean over to view his paper in front of him. The way you’re positioned isn’t helping Yaku’s brain one bit. 

Yaku places a hand on your lower back, ogling at the way your back arches naturally reacting to his touch. He smooths out the back of your shirt, admiring the swell of your ass. He flushes a bit, feeling a dull throb and a tightness beginning to form in his sweatpants, when he notices how short you made the shorts after rolling the waistband up a few times to ensure they’d fit. 

You subconsciously rub your thighs together a little while reading through his history report. You hoped that Yaku wouldn’t notice, but unlucky for you he did. He continued rubbing your back, slightly lowering his hand little by little until you felt his rough hand caress your ass. You turned around to look at him, but were met with eyes glazed over in lust. “Hey Mor, you ok?” you ask confused. “I’m fine, baby. Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.” he says as he drops his hand into his lap in an attempt to conceal the bulge that began growing in his sweats. You shake your head giggling, moving back to your original position next to him. “Nah it’s all good, babe. Just…” you lose all train of thought you possibly had when you glance down and notice the outline of something in his sweatpants. “Hey, y/n, listen. I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean for this to happen, I promise. I- I just think you look really good in my clothes…. Sorry.” he quickly spits out. 

He began shuffling to get up from you when you reach out and clamp a hand around his wrist. “Why are you apologizing, babe? I should probably be the one apologizing. Especially when you’ve made me like this.” you say bashfully, leading his hand to the wet spot that was now visible in the red shorts you wore. He groaned upon feeling the dampness. “What’s all this, princess? Why so wet already?” he coos into your ear, continuing to rub his rough hands against your clothed core. 

After building up the courage to get this far, you threw all caution to the wind. “You, Mori. Fuck! I want you to touch me, please.” you let out a little moan as you palmed him through his sweats. You could tell just how hard he was through his pants. “Fuck, baby, I’ll do whatever you want. Just please let me fuck you.” he groans when you press a little harder onto his hardened cock.

Everything that happened next was a blur. Lips smashed together, tongues dancing, teeth clashing every now and then. You finally part lips, gasping for air as he tugs his hoodie off over his head. You follow suit, removing your shirt and shorts, leaving you standing nearly bare in between his legs as he lounged in his desk chair. 

His eyes never leave yours as he unhooks your bra, allowing it to fall to the floor with a thud. His hands smooth over your breasts, rolling and pinching a nipple in between the rough pads of his fingers. He places open mouthed kisses from your jawline down to the swell of your breasts. Leaning back to take in the view once more he groans, saying, “You’re so beautiful, baby. I can’t believe you’ve been hiding these from me all this time.” you only moan as he moves in to nip at one of your pert nipples. Your hands immediately reach for his light brown locks and begin to tug in response to the stimulation. 

His hands move to your lower body pulling off your lace underwear until they drop to the floor. You kick them aside before he grips your hips tightly. “Mo- Mori please, let me ride your cock.” you say through moans as he lightly trails a finger through your soaked folds. He removes his mouth from your chest with a lewd popping sound. He stands up to pull his sweats lower and sits back down in his seat. You take a moment to ogle at the sight before you. His cock, painfully hard, dripping precum from the swollen head. You grab his shoulders and move in to kiss him as his grip returns to your hips. 

He hoists you up onto his lap, making you straddle the length in his lap. When your wet core makes contact with the length below you, you let out a lewd moan and grind in his lap. He hisses at the contact and tightens his grip on you to stop you from moving. “Patience, princess.” he groans out as you finally stop your ministrations. He lifts you slightly, aligning himself with your hole before looking up to you for approval. You simply nod your head and lower yourself onto his cock little by little. It isn’t too above average in length, but damn did he make up for it in girth. 

You both hiss at the feeling of him being sheathed completely inside your tight cunt, neither of you moving to allow for you both to regain some composure. “Fuck baby, you’re so tight!” he groans, “Just let me know when you want to start moving.” You only nod your head, savoring the delicious stretch in your core. 

As soon as you regain your bearings, you look up to him with glazed eyes, “Mori, mo- move please.” He attaches your mouth to his and gently lifts you, gripping your ass tightly. Before long, he let you take control. The pace you set is slow at first while you kiss him tenderly, running a hand through his hair, tugging gently every so often. His cock hits a particularly sensitive spot inside you, causing you to erupt in another lewd moan of his name. You feel him twitch inside you, he speeds up the pace a bit bringing your ass down harder each time he lifts you. 

Before long you feel that familiar heat in your core building inside you. “Ah fuck, I’m c- close” you moan out as he snaps his hips up to meet yours. The sound of his balls slapping your ass is nearly enough to set you off, but when he reaches a hand down to place sloppy circles around your clit. The coil of heat building up finally snaps, and you’re thrown head first into the bliss of ecstasy.

Yaku groans feeling you tighten around his length. He continues fucking you through your high, and his pace begins to get sloppy before he pulls out frantically. Before he can ask you, you get on your knees in front of him and take him into your mouth. He hisses at the feeling of your tongue gliding over his swollen head and throws his head back in pleasure. With one hand in your hair, he pulls you lower onto his cock as he bursts ribbons of heat down the back of your throat. 

After removing himself from your mouth and tucking himself back into his sweats, he pulls you back into his lap. He places a gentle kiss on your lips, holding you tightly in his arms. “Mori, I’m cooooooold.” you whine into his shoulder. “Let’s get you cleaned up and ready for bed, huh?”

He moves you onto his bed and quickly disappears to the bathroom. You see him return with a damp washcloth and a cup of water in hand. You let him clean you off as you look around the room for your clothes. “I’ll get you some new clothes ok? Just relax and drink your water while I put these washing.” he says, motioning to the pile of clothes on the floor. He hands you some garments and you quickly get dressed as he moves about the house.

He later returns, only to see you waiting for him with the takeout you had gotten earlier. He plops down beside on the bed for the second time tonight and pulls you into a hasty kiss. “You’re mine, right? I love you so much. I’ve dreamt of this for years. Please stay with me.” he says as he looks deep into your e/c eyes, while cupping your cheeks with his hands. “How can I say no?” you giggle, smashing your lips into his once more before chowing down on your takeout meals. The rest of the night is spent with the two of you cuddled up watching terrible rom-coms. The history report, long forgotten. That can wait for tomorrow.

- again, i’m so sorry at how trashy this is written lmaodfadfj 

- if u did read it tho, tysm! ily & maybe send me some suggestions on what to write next. i’m down for whatever rlly. i’m trying to write more often so this is kinda just a warm up for now.

#yaku #yaku morisuke #yaku x yn #yaku x reader #yaku morisuke x reader #yaku morisuke x yn #yaku smut #yaku morisuke smut #all these tags make my head hurt #hoekageyama #haikyuu smut #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x yn #yaku.txt #hq.txt #hq_xx.txt #maddlibs

[getoutofthewater]

depression post, will delete later

What are you supposed to do when something happens, and you spend years trying to not let go of yourself, but you are certain you have been irreversibly changed for the worst?

it’s been 3 years since my uncle kicked us out and i have spent them trying not to be depressed (but i am anyway) and not to be angry (but i am anyway) and not to become a bitter cynic (but i am anyway) at first i thought that once the shock of everything passed i would feel better and i would feel like myself again.

but these past weeks, with the third year coming closer i have been the most depressed i have been yet, i feel even more defeated, and i don’t know how to change that, because i have already spent these last years trying to go up, but failing anyway.

I’m just too dumb for life. I’m literally afraid of everything, I have had anxiety since i can remember and depression since i was 13. Something stupid like going to the store is a struggle. I don’t have the spare money to go to the doctor, and with my anxiety and fear of everything is not only find a doctor, is painstakingly trying to find someone that’s ok in this third world country, and then struggling to go, and it not working out and having to start all over again and not knowing from where to get the next one. There’s nothing in my town and going to the city costs me $15 already, which for me is a lot of money, my options are limited.

My first therapist when I was 19 (and that’s 11 years ago) was someone I went to completely open, in the hopes of fixing something. I explained how I was so afraid of people I couldn’t even really talk to them through the internet without being incredibly anxious. and how I hardly left my house. how men in particular scared me.

and his first question after that was: do you masturbate?:

BITCH i just told you men scare me, and you are an old fuck, and im TELLING YOU my main worry is that i can’t leave my house and talk to people. That was our first session, i went back twice after that but he creeped me out too much.

My other experiences have not been much better, newer ones latch onto my sexuality and I’m like, BITCH I want to talk about my anxiety, and how i want to harm myself just thinking of going out. When my sexuality/gender identity came up with the last one, she asked me if some teacher had abused me when i was little and i..... a childhood friend did actually abuse me, and it’s something i don’t talk about, bc we both were 10, and who knows why she did it, she was probably being abused herself. but i think it irrelevant to either my anxiety, depression or sexuality because all of those were happening well before i met her.

i had to lie to this therapist because i didn’t want to focus on that, i wanted to talk about my fear of just being out and talking to people, not about how me being gay/gender non-conforming may be a result of childhood abuse. it was just our third session when she told me I played the victim too much, and now i second guess myself ALL THE TIME about it, even though i think it’s nonsense to tell that to a patient you have seen for a total of 3 hours, I had hardly talked about anything, that with dodging questions about childhood abuse and trying to steer her into talking about my anxiety, I never even confessed to the self harm.

And now, at 30 I’m like, maybe on top of the depression and the anxiety and the stupidity, maybe I’m autistic, maybe that’s the wall i have always felt between me and other people, and even with myself. my body has always felt wrong and uncomfortable, i can never get it to work like i perceive others do, my brain never listens to me, though that may be the depression... but I have no idea who i can go to, to actually get diagnosed and treated and not just dismissed.

This is all over the place but i just wanted to write it down to get something out of my system, and see if that helps at all with the levels of depression I have been experiencing lately. if you read this far i appreciate it.

#i was going to tweet about this but it was just too much #delete later #[please don't interact with this post] #thank u

[britishb3atlemania]

ive been stressed tf out since last night bc my friend invited me to a new years eve party downtown and my ma would gaslight the shit outta me so i wouldnt b able to go (im super easily manipulated even as an adult and bc my younger brother has been a complete asshole to the whole fam recently i dont wanna ~add~ to that and theres just a bigger expectation for me to b perfect) but my dad talked to her and last min let me leave after dinner to catch a train downtown (40min away) but it was like... a lil late notice basically i spent midnight at the subway lmfao but thats whatever like i got the the party fine and friend was already sloshed

which was nice to see her have a good time and i started drinking but keeping in mind not to b too fucked just to make sure she ok bc i love her right

but she gets so disastrous (drunk and high on weed AND two bums of coke) and calls this shit white guy she had a crush on 3 yrs ago who ghosted her and she now HATES and basically drunkenly tries to convince him to let her come over to have sex

and like her friend (lets say Doug) and I are here hearing this and know she caNNOT go out is in NO condition to let alone go fuck someone atm bc its hella fukin yikes...

we keep pipping over the phone (she was on speaker) to this white dude named Asswipe that she is too intoxicated on a lot of stuff to go out, and this is a terrible idea and as the sober one on this he should give her a definite “no” so she can leave it be. 

He doesnt (bc men are scum lmaooo)

Basically makes me extra anxious for many reasons, from less to most important:

-My ma/grandparents are pissed at me for ditching new years for the first time and my abuelita has depression and when shes rlly upset will call me crying and manipulate me so i was terrified of that lmao

-I have terrible social anxiety and I begged fam to let me come to be with my best friend for a special night, even though its at her friend’s house with so many ppl i dont know. Also bc the plan was i was allowed to crash the night there with her but now shes trying to run away ALONE to this dudes house and leave me. And im selfish and felt rude and anxious to spend the night at a strangers house w/o her.

-I reminded her i came here for her and im anxious if she leaves and she just told me ~jokingly~ that she cant fuck me bc im taken and neither cant Doug bc he’s also taken so at least with Asswipe she can fuck someone. Which i think is like... a ginormous low but she was sloshed so i tried not to let that get me all upset

-I had a p similar experience of a ~friendly acquaintance~ taking advantage of me when i was drunk and it has fucked me up since and i told her abt this in confidence so she knows how bad that is and it was rlly getting to me thinking my friend could go through that tonight

-Additionally, if someone is so fucking intoxicated they CANNOT give consent in that state SORRY but idc how many times u say ur consenting “despite being high/drunk” if you keep stumbling over ur feet and about to vom all night and drop ur phone every 2 sec, etc, u ARE NOT in a condition to make such a heavy decision

She ends up tricking us and runs away ALONE to this guys house who I DO NOT KNOW the address of. Asswipe knows perfectly NO ONE approves of this, knows she is PLASTERED, and hes not, heard me say this is INCREDIBLY YIKES AND TAKING ADVTANGE OF SOMEONE

So 3 of us at the party rlly care for my friend and are super pissed/concerned/anxious, Doug, her friend who through the party, ie. Karla, and I. Doug has to go home, Karla and I take an uber with friends to a house party someone overheard her talking about going to. turns out she tricked them and didnt go there obvi

Karla has Asswipe on fb, messages him and demands him to call her an uber and send her home, even offering to pay it herself. He gave a bs answer of “idk if she wants to/// she’s fine”

My friend basically ignored all our calls/texts for 1.5 hrs, finally mssgs back Karla (bc even tho weve been friends forever i know and am self aware shes closer to Karla now and her uni friends which is an insecurity but i get it lol), then me. Mostly interacts with Karla but barely says much.

Wont call us when we ask, tells us not to blame Asswipe, thats shes fine, some happy new yr bs

Idk i was so worried and pissed and anxious so i just flat out told her that i love her but if she thinks she is sober enough to make that decision then she should be sober enough that it was a shitty move on her part to leave us like this when she knows we’re worried sick.

Hasnt replied to me since lmao. But she DID mssg back Karla in the morning to tell her shes fine. I leave Karla’s house early bc fam stuff, but she shows up later to pick up her stuff. I guess theyre fine now

But she hasnt replied to me all day, hasnt mssgd shit.

And i hate it bc i just hope she was fine (Karla says shes good) but i know my friend and she is more attached to her than me and it just kind of breaks my heart that they can make ammends but me who was worried sick and was with her the most to make sure she was ok and all the same jazz as Karla and Doug, she wont mssg me. I already caved and sent her a mssg asking if she was ok and she still hasnt replied and im just... not doing ok now lol i turned this into a selfish thing abt me but i am so worried for her and i just hate that im not allowed to be worried for her or be angry ever bc its like... any excuse for her to stop being my friend...

this was so long and if someone read it i love you ugh im just so... lost idk what to do. usually i apologize even when something is not my fault bc i dont want us to not b friends. But this fuked me up and i just sincerely hope it doesnt fuck her up wtvr the fuk went down with her and asswipe so i dont think its an ok situation to make myself into the one that is wrong... bc i dont think i am... but ugh idk second opinions gr8ly appreciated

#super long ass vent but im stressed and anxious #if anyone actually reads this and has advice like... #anythin #i will be eternally grateful #im just heartbroken and worried lmao

[boomtick]

this is long lol! pls like if u read

at the end of the day there is no clear-cut way to say from the outside whether or not I was abused. which. honestly? whatever. I’m going to label my experiences as Bad and definitely traumatizing and move on to better things.

I do want to make a list of stuff that I spent a lot of time being hyper cognizant of which I can now just do normally:

1. communicate. what used to be “intentional” communication turned into a literal nightmare -- everything I said was construed as “you’re being passive-aggressive” or “are you mad?” when I wasn’t being either of those things! so I had to watch how I said everything lest it come across as anger or something. also I don’t think I’ve talked about this much but it was CONSTANT. like there’s “it’s really fun to talk with this person, I want to talk with them a lot” and then there’s feeling anxious bc u haven’t texted them in an hour & they’re probably upset. like. been there before, done that. not fun at ALL. putting my phone in airplane mode bc otherwise it would blow up with texts... putting people on Do Not Disturb bc they wouldn’t stop texting me (and it wasn’t stuff like “where are you” or whatever, it was just a lot of texts, but even so??? idk. it was 2 much)

2. what I wear. every morning I used to get up & be met with “you’re so hot” or “you’re so attractive” which is nice at first but not when it’s relentless (& not returned on my end). I noticed which outfits got the most compliments & stopped wearing them. I wanted not to experience “ooh this shirt is so soft” and then someone feeling up my arms. idk it was just kind of creepy? like friend flirting is fun but it started feeling possessive. so, what I wear, how I look -- I am back to doing my own thing and it’s the best.

3. how much time I spend with other people. say I was free on a wednesday. if I made plans with someone else & it wasn’t a scheduled weekly activity, she would get pouty/pissy/??? jealous as far as I could tell? bc I wasn’t spending that afternoon with her. never mind how much time I was spending with her otherwise. if it wasn’t an outing, it didn’t count as the two of us hanging out (which she only communicated to me later, after being upset about this, which ok. but still). 

4. talking about my partner!! she refused to talk about my partner which is tbh one of the most fucked up things. I also am like no offense but u have mistreated my partner & also u have mistreated me & have no right to hear about our happiness so stay away from my personal life bc u do no good. no good!!

5. going to bed. bedtime was always an ordeal of like - not wanting me to go to bed in a way that made me feel like a jerk for wanting to sleep so I could wake up in the morning for work!

6. have facial expressions that aren’t :D or :) or some variant of mild smile etc! naturally I have a very moody face actually. but it was always like “you’re so moody” or thinking I was mad based on my facial expression (which I understand as it can be an abuse response but let me live!!) or ! just anything tbh.

7. look at my phone without anyone complaining that im not “present”

8. go places without specifying where I’m going!! this was an interesting one bc it was never like “you NEED to tell me where you’re going.” but if I didn’t say where I was going it would be interpreted as “you don’t want to be friends with me” or “you’re keeping things from me” come to think of it as I type this... kinda... yikes lol

9. leave for work on time. it used to be SO hard to leave the house bc she would be like “I don’t want you to go” (which ok whatever, mild) and would then follow me to the door, hug me really long, etc... it was fine at first and often I didn’t mind being late, but then she would start thinking stuff was wrong if I left on time & it wasn’t, I just wanted to be on time!! it started feeling like a relief when I had to be at work at 5:30 because then I didn’t have to justify it.

10. not come home immediately after work. this is... truly wild because I don’t ever know what to do with myself bc I’m not used to being able to wander freely! like I still feel guilty for not going home immediately. staying out in the park and drawing feels like a luxury.

the more I write about this the more controlling of a relationship this seems in retrospect, come to think of it. I think that it was hard to pinpoint because nothing was like “if you don’t xyz, you’re a bad person” verbatim; it was more like little critical things & tweaking my behavior. and to a degree it makes sense to be like “hey this thing might improve our friendship” but the second I started thinking, “you only like me like this bc you manipulated me into being this way”? problemmmmm. like the attention on me was literally constant and even though I wasn’t like ~punished~ for anything it was still weird.

like I am a pretty consistent person -- I am myself around most people I know. so when only one person has an issue with me, it’s hard to believe that it’s on me 100%. I could go a night without saying goodnight to someone else and it wasn’t an issue, I could let my face exist naturally without there being any comment or complaint...

huh...

writing it out like this is actually very interesting lol. bc I keep thinking of my actions as Terrible & what if I’m dropping this person as a friend in a cruel way... ok but consider this huh! maybe this person demanding literally all of ur time & then being upset when u can’t give Literally All Of Your Time is the problem?! and you taking space away from that is not a harmful thing inherently?

I just want to say, there are many people in my life who have been really great lately & have not made me feel like my every action was under scrutiny. and thank you so much for that.

#pls like if u read!! #and if u read all of this tysm!! #it's so long oh my god I have so much to process 24/7 #abuse

[cassbeewrites]

1-100 also im personally Offended that u will not let me be gay binch and tag u 85 times........ im requesting a divorce

oh boy okay fuck u 

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 

pandora does that make me basic

is your room messy or clean?i’m a minimalist with hoarder tendencies. 

what color are your eyes?kind of like a hazel-green

do you like your name? why?i used to hate it but now that i’m older it kind of ? distinguishes me? plus i love the nickname cass so there

what is your relationship status? married 2 u elm, always

describe your personality in 3 words or lessobsessive, destructive, gay

what color hair do you have?light brown but it actually used to be red when i was born! god i miss those days… being an infant, having cute hair….

what kind of car do you drive? color?i have a 2013 subaru impreza hatchback. it’s a rly pretty dark grey with purple undertones and a skeletor decal on the back. literally i love my car 

where do you shop?target. jo-anns. teavana. 

how would you describe your style?i like earth-tones or dark muted colors 

favorite social media accountfacebook?? it’s where i run my cosplay page idk

what size bed do you have? twin 

any siblings?i have one sister but i also have 2 half-sisters and possibly 2 half-brothers who i’ve never actually…. met…..

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?wales. research them arthurian legends. love some pet sheep.

favorite snapchat filter? i rarely take pics of my face so idk maybe the flower crown one?? is that still a thing

favorite makeup brand(s)neutrogena or almay bc they’re hypoallergenic lmao

how many times a week do you shower?realistically, 5-6. ideally……. i would never leave the shower……

favorite tv show?fuck this question i don’t want to think about it

shoe size?9-9.5-10 depending

how tall are you?5′6

sandals or sneakers? mmmmm i do love my hiking shoes but i also love sandals so? both

do you go to the gym? nah my dad is a fitness nut so we literally have like 6 or 7 types of exercise equipment at my house

describe your dream datedying

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?$6 in ones. i handle too much cash during the day to want to keep it in my wallet. 

what color socks are you wearing? …. i’m not

how many pillows do you sleep with?just one

do you have a job? what do you do? i’m a teller at a credit union. i count cash until my fingers are literally black from how gross bills are

how many friends do you have? 0i have like? elma. also a few of my coworkers and some cosplay friends

whats the worst thing you have ever done? be born lol. start writing. learn how to sew. 

whats your favorite candle scent? fresh linen

3 favorite boy names1. Loren2. Liam3. Mothman

3 favorite girl names1. Eowyn2. Ruby (don’t judge me my dog is CUTE)3. Mothman 

favorite actor? leslie odom jr

favorite actress? phillipa soo my gf

who is your celebrity crush?………. leslie odom jr and phillipa soo my gf

favorite movie? right now it’s moana but i love tangled and lotr, unwaveringly 

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i can’t pick a favorite fuck off

money or brains? ?!?!?!?!

do you have a nickname? what is it? cass, sass, sarcassidy, sketch, 

how many times have you been to the hospital?like twice maybe

top 10 favorite songsjesus christ ok. okay1. Hot Gates by Mumford and Sons2. Whispers by Passenger3. Above / Below by Birds of Tokyo4. Minor War by Birds of Tokyo5. If This Ship Sinks (I give in) also by….. Birds of Tokyo6. I’ll Be Good by Jaymes Young7. Tag! by Scarves8. Despite What You’ve Been Told by Two Gallants9. Young God by Halsey10. Wildflowers by Tom Petty

do you take any medications daily? i’m on that nightly melatonin fix

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)clear. blessedly clear. 

what is your biggest fear? never being someone worth remembering :)))

how many kids do you want? 1. MAYBE 2. or maybe 0? 

whats your go to hair style?Half up, half down. I’m lame

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) my house is actually… pretty big? it’s like. very upper middle class

who is your role model? my old debate coach from high school :’)

what was the last compliment you received?idk elma what was the last gay thing u sent me

what was the last text you sent?“thank u for providing”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?i had my suspicions as early as 5 but honestly. my mom tells me i have to believe in him for the sake of our dogs because she wants to maintain the illusion that he’s real… for them…. she’s so weird

what is your dream car? actually i’m pretty happy with the car i have. the 2017 imprezas are WAY cute and nice and sporty tho and i would love to upgrade someday 

opinion on smoking?smells yucky. makes our drive through tubes & cash smell yucky.

do you go to college? yes but i am TIRED

what is your dream job?DYING! DEATH AND DYING! being a literary agent actually tho

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? well i actually grew up in a pretty rural area but it was also only like… 15 minutes from a big city and is surrounded by smaller cities. it’s not a bad place to live. very safe and quiet, lots of horses

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? no i have a hair Routine and cannot break it

do you have freckles? no :( I have a few and i have some cute moles tho

do you smile for pictures?no go away

how many pictures do you have on your phone?jesus christ 9,564

have you ever peed in the woods? reluctantly 

do you still watch cartoons? i watch disney movies but like? i think cartoon fandoms are VERY annoying so i avoid them at all costs COUGH stev///en univ//erse

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?chick fil a or die. but i wouldn’t turn down wendy’s or mcdonalds nugs u feel

Favorite dipping sauce?honey mustard fuck me up. chick fil a sauce got me goin too

what do you wear to bed? big shirts!!!

have you ever won a spelling bee?um no i tried bc i’ve always been a spelling hoe and the written portion went well but the speaking portion was an anxiety ridden mess

what are your hobbies?dying. sewing. suffering. cosplay. petting dogs. hiking. being dead. writing

can you draw? i used to draw a lot but fucking jill heiner in 11th grade told me i sucked and i will never forget that

do you play an instrument?i played piano for 12 years and i was never like naturally gifted but i certainly tried my hardest. i haven’t played since i graduated high school 2 years ago tho

what was the last concert you saw? i’ve never been to a concert and may never go

tea or coffee?both but like. there’s a time and a place for both

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?starbucks

do you want to get married?i fear physical relationships 

what is your crush’s first and last initial?V(iktor)N(ikiforov)

are you going to change your last name when you get married? no i’m attached to my initials 

what color looks best on you? greens and dark purples

do you miss anyone right now? my dog :( he’s sleeping in the hall and not in my room

do you sleep with your door open or closed?closed unless my parents are out of town so my dogs can sleep with me

do you believe in ghosts?i believe in mothman

what is your biggest pet peeve? when people acknowledge my physical existence as if i am more than just a semi-transparent blob. also when people call their checking account a “checkings” account. fuck right off it’s not plural and checkings isn’t a word FUCK YOU

last person you called`my mom 

favorite ice cream flavor? pistachio

regular oreos or golden oreos? um if i’m going to spend calories on a cookie it sure won’t be some kind of… prepackaged nonsense

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow 

what shirt are you wearing? wearin a loose knit dress. it’s olive and strappy

what is your phone background?pic of my sweet dog :’)))

are you outgoing or shy?easily irritated and anxious

do you like it when people play with your hair?no

do you like your neighbors? they are what they are

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?i wash it in the shower but if i wash it too much it will dry out

have you ever been high? no

have you ever been drunk? no

last thing you ate? i had a steak burrito for lunch?? that was like 10 hours ago i should probably eat something else

favorite lyrics right now“all i need’s a whisper in a world that only shouts”or“in a place that’s safe from harm, but i have been blessed with a wilder mind”

summer or winter?why aren’t autumn or spring options

day or night? dusk

dark, milk, or white chocolate? dark

favorite month? october or may

what is your zodiac signtaurus lol

who was the last person you cried in front of? i actually cannot remember 

[gaylilfireball-blog]

Rant time (open for discussion if you want)

(Hey sheridan if you could just not read this thatd be great thanks)(but tbh i mean i cant stop you so🤷‍♀️)

Okay so yesterday i spent a better part of the day cuddling with this guy. Hes someone ive been friends with for almost a year and a half but its been a friendship mostly revolves around heloing each other through depression. Anyway last few months ive been working on actually making it a more thoughtful friendship bc he is genuinely a sweet guy.

About a week ago i hung out with him for the first time and we just walked around the mall being obnoxious teenagers and i walked with him to his apartment because he wanted to show it to me and i didnt want to make him walk by himself. Well then i was leaving and he ended up walking me back to my car at the mall. A few days after that we had planned to hang out again but this time at my house (wanted to meet the cats)

Like a day or two after that i kind of had a crisis and wasn't sure if i was developing feelings or not. I had a little crush but i wasnt sure if it was because i actually genuienly like him or if i was just latching on because he paid attention to me. He also has been pretty flirty for most of the time ive known him but its a small enough that it can still be considered friendly and him jusy being nice. I had asked about it previously and he mentioned that he tended to come across as flirty to a lot of people on accident. Anyway i did the ol' 20 questions thing and hinted out that there was a possibility of a crush but didn't mention anything after it

Hours later into the conversation he said that crush was mutual. I did make it fairly clear that i needed to figure out my jead and that i didnt know what was going on and that i wasnt promising anything. We continued the random q n a over the next day or two and it was a generally pretty open 20 questions. Didnt really not answer anything.

Well on the day he was coming over he planned to bring a movie (Rango) and i wanted to watch the black mirror movie so it was like already pre established we planmed to have casual movie day. We had both been keeping up the casual flirting and whatnot and like the night befire he had asked me if i wanted to cuddle as we watched movies. I did one of those like half answer things and basically did the "theoretically yes, realistically im anxious" but it was fine🤷‍♀️.

(I should probably preface with the fact that about 2 years ago i came out as pan rom and ace but like thats still very confusing bc honestly sexuality is hard? Ive dome some things that def werent ace and i enjoyed them kinda? More if the emotional aspect rather than any physical pleasure? But i still have very mixed feelings about said things so i dont even kmow anymore. Its kind of like i want to do and experience those things with another person (boy or girl) but like the thought if a dick kind of rly grosses me out and i dislike General nudity. So that aspect of my life is super wacky.)

(My first and only relationship was with a girl and it lasted about a year and 4 months. We lived pretty far away from each other (like a 30 min drive which was a lot bc neither of us amhad our license at the time) but we had been best friends for years prior. We did practice on the same team 12-16 hours a week together but we werent able to actually be a couple at the gym. Anyway we were already pretty close and comfortable with each other and it became like that physically as well. However i was very conflicted physically because i wanted the emotional bond that came with physical intimacy but the actual like pleasure aspect wasnt quite there. In the moment it was generally fine and enjoyable but ive never really understood like the big deal kind of? And afterwards it was kind of uncomfortable to think about so i mostly just ignored it. I also think i allowed myself to go too fast bc we knew each other really well but not necessarily in the relationship aspect. So we had been dating for 3 months maybe but i would have only seen her outside of practice like 4 times? I domt know im just kimd of scared of doing that again)

But anyway back to my story. Yesterday the boy camw to my house and it was pretty casual playing uno and joking around with each other. We started watching rango and were sitting on two pieces of a sectional together but not really together id you know what i mean. It was more of like separate cushions and i was leaning up against the wall on a pillow but our legs were touching. (He totally thought at one point he was playing footsie with me but it actually my shin. That was pretty hilarious) He also made a terrible joke "why are you using that pillow when theres a 6'2" one right here" (yes he is tall boy but i am tall girl so its fine) (i didnt take him up on the offer either.)

We had later moved to my bed to watch black mirror on my phone and were laying on our stomachs side by side. Totally ended up pressed together along oir sides and he was playing with my feet but it was warm and nice but goodness i was nervous. There was so much like tension.

I ended up flipping onto my back (bc i can only lay on my front for so long befire my shoulders and arms absolutely die) and told him he could do whatever but that i was laying on my back. He took that as an invitation to cuddle on me (it kind of was ) and thank god bc i was losing my mind. It just started out with his head on my shoulder/chest but as we got more comfortable his arm was around me and i was leaning into him.

Anyway(how amny times do you think ima say this lord) it was real nice and all but what inspired this rant was that i wish id like participated more in cuddling or like done something more with it. But then again im also like noooo dont go too fast calm doooown.

I also have the problem of like not being completely attracted to him. More of emotionally attracted but maybe im alao just attracted to the idea of him and i really could put anybody in that place? But he keeps fishing for compliments and its rly hard bc im not one to be untruthful but i look at hom and its just ?? I dont know. Thinking back to my ex girlfriend i never particularily found her attractive until we agreed there was mutual feelings and right before we dtarted dating? Then she basically became the light of my life and was perfect in my eyes. Kind of hoping that happens with this boy but i dont know.

I really just dont wanna like get his hopes uo and like keep it going that hey i like you and thrn jist kind of throw it all away later? But i also really love this whole like casual awkward flirting and im desparate for cuddles in my life. But it could also just be with anyone and i feel terrible for it.

So yeah what do??

Also thanks for actually reading through this clusterfluff mess of writing. Gosh this actually could be like a fanfic i wrote wow. Idk feel free to leave your thoughts ig. Do you want you want😂🤷‍♀️🙃

[brasenie]

listening to the autumn in hieron post mortem and the way jack talks about lem is both 1. relatable and 2. really helped me in figuring out bell later on and i guess now that tfk is over i might as make a post on this secret blog about it lmao

liking bell less as a person (or rather, more being able to acknowledge his flaws) was like... INCREDIBLY important for me in the sense that i don’t think i’d be coping as well with his ending/it not  being a super solid. ending ending for him if i was still as... personally connected as i was i am STILL nervous about him being an npc but i think ollie and i will have enough time to talk about things before then? we have a year. and also i SORT of trust ollie with him

but for the first... 3/4s of the campaign bell was very very me. he was depressed and anxious and that was like... a good thing for me to work out? i don’t regret it bc up until his death it really gave me a chance to explore what depression had meant for me re: my family, and how long i wanted to run away, and how anxiety hurt my friendships and how i looked at myself and playing bell genuinely gave me a chance to mess with that. but it almost stopped being good when we got to the deadlands arc bc the first part of that episode it was just like... i wasn’t having FUN. he was in such a dark place and it wasn’t like when i had the letters to marie and 1. when he died i realized i needed to separate myself from him a little bc the emotional distress was like. it’s a game. it’s a game and if he had died i would have been wrecked and that’s just not fun and 2. him being emotionally healthy was the first time i started to see his flaws which like... i REALLY enjoyed and which really played into why i went so far with his ending (also re: his ending i was just so Taken Aback and didnt see it coming that i was making the decisions INCREDIBLY in the moment and didnt see where things were going until i was in way too deep narratively lmao)

of course there was the stuff like. he blames himself for failing to keep people safe, puts too much pressure on himself, and is a perfectionist etc etc. but also like... he’s overdramatic? he doesn’t like attention on a large scale e.g. from his family but from the people he cares about he’s definitely needy! he loves being doted upon and i think voyages emotional distance is probably one of the roughest parts of where he is at the start of pof. but also his care for the people he REALLY really deeply cares about goes so deeply he’s willing to put them over his values - and this to a certain extent has always been true? like he’s always been willing to............. just sortaaaaa let ciks necromancy fall to the side (maybe that’s why pelor’s always been a little pissed lmao), and even with orna never took any actions besides yelling at her like, once. his love for people can be a little selfish! and i keep thinking about the line/concept ‘he’s only good at lying to himself’ a lot bc he has always had myopic morals in a sense, it’s just that his love and loyalty have shifted those morals to a... darker place where he’s much more tolerant of uh, Bad things. 

and like... idk part of me DOES want to say that i think deep down he’s a good person? but he’s also a deeply flawed person who’s been willing to abide a lot of things for what voyage wants (and later what he wants!) and so idk if i could even say that anymore! bc the “worst” thing is that he pretends things are okay? i don’t think it’s like... weak willed of him bc i don’t think he is weak willed, i think his decisions to stay with voyage have been very deliberate (and im VERY resolute on like. making sure i continue to think of him as his own person instead of an extension of voyage. like as an npc he may have that role just bc like... that’s how it works narratively when your husband is a main npc). 

but there’s definitely some self-deception going on - which i thought about a . and i think maybe that’s what tips his current situation over the line from “not great” to straight up tragic, bc i see there being 3 main outcomes. 1. he eventually cracks, he’s eventually forced to realize that what they’re doing isn’t justifiable and he either finally leaves (but where would he go?) or stays with voyage but is like. miserable 2. he stays, but he can’t keep up his hopeful facade anymore? and this isnt quite as bad in some ways bc at least he’s not lying to himself as much but like idk how voyage would deal with that lol 3. he manages to keep lying to himself (and mostly voyage) until the day he dies, very, very very tired. 

anyways this got WAY sadder than i thought but here’s some slightly happier notes? his hope still is genuine. the kindness he gives is still gentle and he still wants to heal more than hurt, and if he believed at this point there was hope beyond violence, he would. his justification is that he genuinely believes imura is cruel and that daggertooth is the one chance at happiness for them and a lot of other people, mostly. mostly he just loves. he loves the people he loves so so deeply that it eats away at him and mostly i think he just wants to be happy? like he wants to keep voyage alive so they can fight in this war, he wants imura to leave them alone. he misses baths, he misses books, he misses his friends a little (both the KC and then also the crew of the curse? obviously his heart is voyage but he sailed with them for 20! years!). i think he’d be content if they had a small house in daggertooth by the water and he and voyage could grow old together and he had time to like, read. he just wants to be happy and like part of me wishes he could get happiness in this universe. but also i’ve separated myself from him enough that if he doesn’t get that i’m like... okay with it