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endeavoring-doctor-blog · 7 years

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Entry #2

Hello again. First things first, let me give you an update on my day so far. It’s only 4 PM, so who knows what might happen. It’s been an off-day, which is quite annoying seeing that yesterday was such an on (right?) day. I was so productive yesterday and feeling so awake and energized but today, anxiety was through the roof. I’m shaky, anxious, and have a general feeling of fogginess, like I’m floating through today in the clouds. I don’t feel 100% present because I just feel so confused in my own thoughts & irrational fears. My first guess at this is because I just started to take vitamin supplements. Just a simple one-a-day women’s multivitamin with some magnesium and turmeric supplements on the side. I noticed yesterday that an hour or so after I took them, my energy sky-rocketed. I was a little uncomfortable at first, but I sort of eased into it and got my work done. Today however, it was a little too much. I felt super uneasy, restless, fatigued, and unable to concentration. It was almost as if I was going into some sort of manic state. I’m thinking it might be the B vitamins in the multivitamins that are making me feel a bit bonkers. I’m going to test this tomorrow by cutting my multivitamin in half and taking that with my magnesium and turmeric and see how that makes me feel. I’ve taken magnesium by itself before in the past and it never caused be any problems, so I have a feeling these vitamins might be the underlying issue. Readers, you’re going to have to get used to this. I tend to try and diagnose myself or try and figure out the underlying issues of my current-state-of-mind on my own. There’s no one that knows myself better than i do and being so constantly in my head all the time, I know when something isn’t right. With that being said, I love to analyze every crevice of my brain, personality, and everything about myself to better understand not only what the issue is but also to better understand myself as a whole. This past year and a half has been a lot of that. A lot of self-reflection and figuring out exactly what makes me, me! It’s scary, but at the same time, very exciting. This feeling of uneasiness and restlessness led me to start pondering about the various irrational fears and stresses in my life. For example, I woke up this morning to me remembering the conversation I had with my boyfriend on the phone. It was a usual conversation, like any other, filled with lots of “i love you” and “i miss you” but then we started getting into finances. When he came up to visit this past weekend (we do long-distance even though we only live about 1 hour away from one another) and we just splurged. Needless to say, we spent a lot. He started discussing other job options that he could take and mentioned going back into restaurant-managing. As he said, if he were single, he’d go do it and make a lot more money that way. The words “if I was still single” resonated in my head like not other. The logical side of me knows that he didn’t mean he wished he were single or that this relationship was a burden to him, but my irrational side just wouldn’t have it this morning. All I could think about this morning was whether I was burdening him with our relationship or that he’d be better off without me because he would be spending less money, would think of himself rather than both of us, etc. I know these fears are irrational, HOWEVER, I am unable to stop thinking of them. The perks of anxiety am I right? Because I was already thinking of our financial topics talk, I began to stress about money. I don’t have a job, well kind-of. I walk dogs and pet-sit on the side to earn some form of income. I’ll be going to Vegas this weekend for my best-friends birthday and lets just say I have to be very stingy with my money. I have a couple of walking and house-sitting gigs coming up soon but they’ll be in the next 2 months, whereas I could really use the money like NOW. On-top of that, I also have to buy her a birthday present. This was brought to my attention when she told me about her wonderfully spent birthday yesterday, leaving me feel inadequate and that I have to do more for her. I was so happy to hear about her day and how well she spent it, but the conversation made me feel bad that I didn’t send her a package or something on her birthday and was waiting until I saw her in Vegas. Irrational thoughts again. Next came the wonderful stresses over school! Yay! My Favorite. I have a midterm coming up this week in my Physics of the Environment class. Let me remind you, I am NOT a physics major, I actually despise the subject (sorry) and my brain simply doesn’t understand it as well as it understands biology or other concepts. It’ll be open book, open laptop, open note, open EVERYTHING but I’m just scared I’ll have a huge brain-fart and just completely forget how to do any math! Hopefully it’s not too bad. On top of that, I have a group project in that class and having to manage my time during the week is difficult (because I’m almost always occupied every weekend). And who could forget worrying about the future? Certainly not me. I’ll be taking the MCAT this summer after I complete my course and the idea of that test honestly scares the living shit out of me. Not only the content and the length of the exam, but the fact that it LITERALLY is my ticket to medical schools (at least through the primary application process). My GPA is not at the average 3.7-3.8 so my MCAT score is what’s going to be making me a competitive applicant. I’m scared to study for it, I’m scared to take it, and I’m scared that my score will not be good enough. Overall, I’m just scared. It’s a giant hurdle, no no, scratch that, a giant fucking WALL that I need to learn to park-core over or some shit. I know I can do it, I’m just scared. FINALLY, everyone is already getting post-grad jobs and everything! Meanwhile I have to still do my course and finish up two more classes in the Fall before even considering working anywhere. I know everyone is on different time-lines but I can’t help but compare myself to others I surround myself with and question whether I should be looking for a job too? So that’s it for my daily anxiety and worries. Onto more productive things! I’ve wanted to create a Goal List for the month of May. I used to create the bullshit “New Years Resolutions” but let’s be realistic here, you almost always forget those after a month or two. So let’s try and be realistic by taking it step by step, or in this case, one month at a time. By hopes in creating this is that when the month ends, I’ll be able to look back at my list, see which ones I’ve accomplished (or haven’t) and use that to brain-storm another set for the following month. So here goes. —————————————————————————————————- List of Goals for May 1. Eat healthier (seriously, stop snacking on junk food, resist!) 2. EXERCISE - Start running like you used to! 3. Practice breathing techniques; they’re not as stupid as you think they are 4. Draw at least one piece of artwork 5. Have a nightly face-washing & flossing routine 6. Create an MCAT study plan for the summer 7. Express yourself more; don’t hold it in and DO NOT be afraid of being “too much” 8. Call to check in with your parents & best-friends more, one simple call can make a HUGE difference 9. Write these entries at least once a day - keep writing it all out! 10. Continue to think of at least 3 things that make you happy throughout the day —————————————————————————————————- I think that’s enough for now, and in accordance with Goal #10, I’ll also put in my 3 happy things for today (even though I know the day is only half over). —————————————————————————————————- May 2nd; 3 Happy Things 1. Making a goals-list (that’s do-able) 2. Calling one of my best-friends from home to see how she was doing 3. The tree’s rustling in the wind and how beautiful they look —————————————————————————————————- Ahh. Officially done. Thank you.

#mental health #diary #my fears #anxiety #health professional #health #aspiring doctor #doctor #college student

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realtalk-princeton · 6 years

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I feel like I'm doing terribly in all my classes. I'm behind in all the readings and material and I know that all my midterm grades were really low. What do I do/who do I talk to? I feel like everything is spiraling and I'm getting more lost

Response from Opal:

I do wish you had sent this ask at the beginning of fall break, so that I could have given you advice on how to use this past week to get back on your feet! At this point, since classes are gearing up for the second half of the semester in just a day and a half, it is probably no longer feasible for you to catch up on everything in one fell swoop. Therefore, in order to pump the breaks on this spiraling sensation and do your best going forward, I recommend really putting your nose to the grindstone and doing damage control whenever you can.

What this looks like is going into class on Monday ready to attack the upcoming material. Put midterms and the grossness of the past few weeks completely behind you for now. Turn to a fresh blank page in your notebook, inhale the scent of that unsullied lined paper, and swear to yourself that you are going to take the best goddamn notes of your life for every single lecture. Get yourself a planner, if you don’t have one already; treat that thing like your personal Bible, and the deadlines inside it like your commandments. You want to feel like you are on top of your schoolwork again? Then you are going to DO your readings AS SOON AS THEY GET ASSIGNED; you are going to START your psets (if you have them) AS SOON AS THEY GET ASSIGNED; you are going to COMMIT to setting aside time every day to meaningfully chip away at longer assignments, in whatever predetermined method makes sense to you, AS SOON AS THEY GET ASSIGNED. None of this requires any special skills that you do not already possess. It’s just discipline. Do anything you need to do to grip your fear of tedium/mental pain/failure/whatever it is that makes you procrastinate by the throat and chuck it out the window - the more aggressive you are, the better. Another thing: Put the office hours of all your professors and preceptors into your calendar, and arrange the rest of your schedule around those hours. Whenever you come across material that is stumping you, take your butt straight to the appropriate office, and do not leave until you understand.

Now, the damage control part is about using any and all free time you have to begin making up for everything that you let slide earlier in the semester. Definitely prioritize any classes where the material is cumulative - if you don’t get what’s going on because it draws on stuff that was taught before, then waste no time in doing those old readings, reviewing old lecture slides, and studying with any friends or acquaintances who are taking the class with you. I have also made appointments with professors in which I literally asked them to review entire lectures with me. Make use of EVERY DROP OF TIME THAT YOU HAVE to get yourself fully up to speed as quickly as possible. I’m talking multitasking during meals and reading during awkward 70-minute breaks between classes. You will basically be working double-time for a couple of weeks, but you want to know your shit, right? You want to end this semester well, right?? If you have any time remaining after doing all of the above, then start making up the material for classes with discrete weekly units as well. Thanksgiving Break can serve as a fallback during which you cram whatever is left to study, but try not to have anything backlogged by the time that rolls around. Take it from me, a veteran of playing catch-up - I was basically in your exact situation last year, when I had to miss three whole weeks of class in the first half of fall semester, but this is entirely doable.

If you can access tutoring and believe it may be of use, hit up McGraw. If you need more structured emotional and mental support, get in contact with CPS as soon as possible. If your dean of studies is a kind and approachable person, let them know what’s going on, and they might be able to offer you more concrete help and resources. If you want me to hover over your shoulder late at night and yell at you (in a loving way) to get your work done, drop your netID. Please remember to keep drinking water, eating meals, and sleeping throughout it all. You are a smart and rugged and hardworking individual. You are capable of anything. I believe in you!!!

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