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eddieheart · 2 years

Text

LOVER

Fandom: Stranger Things

Pairings: Steve x Billy

Words: 541

Description: Billy’s thoughts on love and loving Steve

Warning: internalized homophobia, homophobia

To the naked eye Billy Hargrove looked like someone who kept nothing to himself. He was pompas and constantly peacocking, the kind of person who'd brag about his conquests. But he wasn't, Billy was an extremely private person, mostly because of his father.

Everything that everyone else saw was a perfectly manicured version of everything his father wanted. A 'man's man', strong, confident, hypersexual, angry, so so very angry.

It had been beaten into him his whole life, be a man, be a man, stop with the pansy shit Billy, be a man. He was always hiding, his grandmothers locket, his stuffed bunny, his lover, his real lover.

He’d gone to camp, he’d prayed, he’d dated women but he couldn’t get rid of his sickness, it festered under the surface, waiting to break free.

It's not that Billy didn't love women, he did, but he also had a problem. He was head over heels, bewitched by Steve fucking Harrington. It couldn't be anyone else, no matter how badly he wanted it to be someone else.

Jeanie, Susan, Maria, Mariam, Laura, Beatrice, even Mrs. Wheeler, none of them compared to him and Billy had no idea why. Was it the hair, the voice, the body, he had no clue. All he knew is that he loved every inch of that boy and he couldn't do anything about it.

At first the girls were enough to take his mind off of it. It was enough. But then it changed, it wasn't enough anymore. He moved onto men, they were a good distraction, dangerous, but good. But they didn't work now either.

He’d succumbed to his illness, he’d given into temptation, to sin. He’s a sinner now and for some reason a part of Billy was determined to drag Harrington down with him.

That's why they'd moved, not because of Harrington, because of his last infatuation, Mathew 'Mattie'. Normally he could brush off his fathers worries, but when he'd caught them red handed, Mattie half naked on top of the other boy, there was no way to brush it off.

Billy was beaten black and blue, out of it for weeks before is father packed everything up and moved them to bum fuck nowhere. Neil thought it'd keep Billy away from any 'distractions', it didn't.

Keep him away from distraction, help fend off his perversions, Neil had kept him away from Max for weeks after he found the two of them together. Deprived him of his only living family just so father Calihan could cure him.

It was wrong, he knew it was, his father and the father had told him so. It’s wrong to lust after another man, he knows, but he can’t help it. Butterflies flutter in him stomach every time he sees Harrington.

In another life maybe they’d be friends, or even lovers, but Billy could think like that. He can’t get his hopes up just to have them crushed again. So he uses violence, Steve can’t like him if he’s mean. If Steve hates him it betters his own chances.

Not matter how much he wishes he could be cured, Billy Hargrove loves Steve Harrington and there's nothing he can do to change that, no matter how hard he tries.

@buggylad

#fanfiction #fanfic #billy hargrove #stranger things #hurt steve harrington #hurt billy hargrove #billy hargove imagine #neil hargrove #susan mayfield #max hargrove #susan hargrove #internalized queerphobia #internalized homophobia

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janicecpitts · 5 years

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