#me after the race reading them: mental illness luv

[babygirl-riley]

I was thinking of this, if you'd be willing to write it, something based on "Redeemer" by Palaye Royale where simon's s/o is depressed and suicidal... it's ok if you don't want to thanks anyway luv ya<3

Every Step

Reader is struggling with their mental illness

A/N: This is a HUGE trigger warning, if you cannot read any sort of suicide please do not read. It gets dark in this one. And Anon! This really broke me, this song really just wow! Beautiful and damn sad. Good one 🖤

“Will you please pick up the phone?And I'm waiting for you to come home. And I'm screaming all on my own”

Warnings: suicide attempt, thoughts of suicide, depression, anxiety, mentions of anxiety attack, mental breakdowns, angst, soft!simon, husband!simon

simon x reader guide

simon x reader fluff/angst

You sat curled in the corner of your bedroom. Everything seemed to fall apart in the last 5 months. You had a job you loved just to be let go due to company being bought, your rent was becoming overdue for a month, job hunting going South, your family starting to become more distant after the death of your mother, and Simon and you have been at each others throats.

You have tried to just smile and move on, that life will eventually piece itself back together. Mask your true self-feelings. Even when Simon had been around it was ‘fake it to you make it.’ Little to your knowledge that he noticed, mind you, it wasn’t always your fault when starting fights. However, it was most. He would ask what was the matter and you would blow up.

You never mean to, never wanted to, that’s just how it goes when you get into these ruts. Just not too long ago you and Simon fought, it wasn’t pretty both things from each other were said that shouldn’t have been. Not meant. It got to the point where

Simon left the house, didn’t say a word and left.

You threw things, punched things, broke things. Now you are here, curled up with bloody knuckles and a stained red teared face. You didn’t know how long you were sitting there. Everything ran through your mind of what was going on. What has been happening. Your mind trailing to dark places. It started to panic you slowly, things you have never thought of before.

You thought about ways to make yourself not here anymore. Ways to make the pain go away. You thought how everyone around you would be better off than to handle a bitchy person. Simon would. Your parents would. You friends would. No one truly thought of you as important or loved. You were only loved because it was an inconvenience to them.

You looked at your bathroom and thought about all the pills that were stacked inside the cabinet. Sleep then not wake up. That would be the best way. No pain. You got up to walk to the bathroom, mind racing on how rude and feeling like you have been fake. You shut and locked the door, grabbing each bottle and opening them.

You heard a soft knock on the door then the handle moving. “Love, let me in,” Simon started to put things together, he didn’t hear the water but he did hear pills. Panic rushed through his veins. “Open this door now.” He was stern yet soft at the same time. That’s when he heard the soft crying.

Simon backed up to kick the door. One. Twice. And it slammed open, he scanned the room as you were in the corner in the bathtub. He looked at the pill bottles and froze. Empty. He stormed towards you with panic on his face. “How many!”

You cried even harder. You shook your head, as he grabbed your cheeks gently yet firm. “Y/N how fucking many!”

You looked at him your tears spilling harder. “None! I threw them down the drain!” Simon stood up quickly to look in the sink, the cover go on the drain open.

You sobbed harder as Simon inhaled deeply. He walked to you and gently picked you up. You leaned more into his chest and sobbed harder. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You kept repeating.

Simon hushed you softly as he placed you on the bed with him following. Laying your head on his lap while he used his fingers to comb through your hair. You just sobbed and sobbed, it felt like hours until you were able to stop. It was silent. Dead silent.

Simon inhaled deeply. “What made you want to take ‘em?”

You sniffled a bit. “I don’t know.”

Simon’s heart hurt before remembering all the phone calls. All the ones he missed just to think it could have been your last. He knew that you were going through something, he tried to be there but you seem to push it off or push him away. “I don’t think anyone would miss me,” His mind lost track of his thoughts when you mumbled those words. “I have been so angry, so upset, and so not happy. I just thought that you and everyone else would be better off without me.” Your voice choked at the end as you sobbed again.

Simon felt his chest tighten, looking at his band on his ring finger. For better and for worse right? He couldn’t fathom the world without the woman he married. Has the last couple of months been hard? Yeah but both of you said in your vows, you would always be with each other. “Baby, I couldn’t live without you. It would-it would kill me.” Simon said softly feeling his throat closing. Softly gliding his finger over your stained cheek. “I’m sorry you felt like you weren’t loved or shown differently.”

You sighed as you started to calm down. “It’s not your fault.”

Simon slowly shifted you to look up from him from his lap. You could tell the worry and hurt in his eyes. The emotion that you caused, he frowned like he read your mind. “I think we should call your therapist.” Simon suggested softly rubbing your arm with one of hands.

You rolled your eyes sitting up, your back towards him. “I don’t need to see her. I can…”

“Baby you attempted...” He said his voice breaking a bit before sighing, he saw your shoulders tense then soften. He gently rubbed your shoulder. “Please.”

You nodded slowly as he heard sniffling. He stepped up and walked over to you kneeling in front of you. Simon’s expression softened even more as he watched you cry again. He rubbed his thumbs against your knees. You sighed and wiped your eyes. “I will call her tomorrow. Can you be next to me while I do so?”

Simon smiled and nodded. “‘ll even dial her up.” You half smiled and nodded placing a hand on his. “Let’s get food?”

You nodded and looked out in the hallway. “Can we eat in here and watch tv?”

Simon stood up and kissed your forehead closing his eyes. “Of ‘ourse.” He stood back having his hand on your cheek before grabbing out his phone. He glanced over at the door and the scene that was once live. His heart tightened. Simon will fight whatever demons you have, he won’t lose you. In sickness and health. He will be there every step of the way.

#simon ghost riley #simon riley #call of duty modern warfare #simon ‘ghost’ riley #call of duty #call of duty mw2 #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost #simon ghost x reader #simon ghost riley x f!reader #simon riley x you #simon ghost riley x female reader #simon ghost riley x wife!reader #simon ghost riley angst #simon riley angst #anon asks #anon answered

[vettelcore]

do you guys read the posts you make during a race after you've calmed down and wonder what the fuck was up with you

#my lb: AAAHHBEBFDJSJD WAAAHAHHHHH FGNFNFNFUXUUJE EEEHHOOOOOOAAAAHHHHHFHFFN RJFJFKFKKFDNSN #me after the race reading them: mental illness luv #i was fairly calm today tbh

[thedefinitionofbts]

In Memory of Your Wings

Pairings: Jung Hoseok x Reader

Genre: Dancer!Hoseok, Dancer!Reader, Angst

Words: 3K

Description: As requested by anon: “A Hoseok scenario where he meets a girl who's passionate about dancing and ends up getting some tips from her. They eventually fall in luv but when she faints one day he rushes her to the hospital and finds out that she has an illness she’s been hiding from him and doesn't have much time to live.”

A/N: I cried so hard. It’s only a short scenario but daaaamn. Thank you for sending in the request! I hope you like it :) 

“Your moves lack emotion.”

Hoseok’s head jerks around at the sound of a girl’s voice reverberating through the empty dance studio. The lights weren’t even on and the only source of brightness making anything visible was the subtle glow of daylight flowing in from the glass windows.

“Well, I’m not exactly a dancer.” He continues to look at you, titling his head to the side and pursing his lips. “I was just waiting for a friend.” Referring to Park Jimin, his actual dancer friend, who ought to be here by now. Where the hell is he anyways?

“But you’re here and you’re dancing” You point out the obvious, albeit what he was doing wasn’t technically what you considered to be dancing, but he had potential, that’s for sure.

“You’re point is?”

You chuckle lightly. “You won’t know how good you are until you try. Are you interested in becoming a dancer?”

Hoseok ponders over your question. He had never seriously considered it, although he has been amazed at Jimin’s skill every time he watches the younger male dance, he’s never categorized it as something he could actually pick up, let alone excel in the way his super talented friend was able to.  

He shrugs. “I guess.” Can’t hurt to try, right?

 His response leads to the two of you exchanging phone numbers and setting up a time and date to get your “private lessons” started. Since he was a novice, you had suggested personally teaching him the basics before throwing him in a dance group. All of this almost leads Hoseok to believe that if getting a gorgeous girl’s number was this easy; he would’ve signed up for dance a long time ago. That is, until he finds out how serious you are about your coveted art form.

“You have to think of as the act of you telling a story.” You explain, demonstrating a short piece so can visualize what you are talking about. “You know, like how music can tell a story without lyrics or how a picture is worth a thousand words.”

Hoseok nods, trying to grasp the main point of your spiel while at the same time rooted in the spot, mesmerized by the way your body is able to flow so effortlessly.

“Once you get the basics down, it’s all about practice and perfecting each little movement that act as the building blocks of the story you are painting with the motion of your body.”

“Does that go for all kinds of dance?”

You nod. “You need to learn and understand how your body moves before choosing your area of specialty. But from the looks of your sharp movements and natural tendency for adding your own…flare, I think you’d be good at hip hop, but don’t limit yourself to only one type of dance because many styles can overlap and result in unique combinations. Just like your friend the other day.”

“Jimin?”

“Yeah, he was dancing hip hop, but I can tell he’s had training in contemporary.”

“Oh, wow, you’re good” Hoseok flashes you a thumbs up.

“Shall we get started then?”

Hoseok gives you the okay to proceed.

 Dancing is a lot more physically taxing than Hoseok had previously thought. He learns that it is as mental as it is physical, especially in the beginning when the movements haven’t solidified as muscle memory yet, and he would mess up if he wasn’t thinking or started spacing out.

“So I can tell you’re really passionate about dancing.” Hoseok comments, trying to keep up with your more advanced moves. Your turn and glance at him with a cheerful nod before signaling for a short break.

You walk over and grab a bottle of water while tossing one to Hoseok as the two of you sink to the ground in exhaustion.

“I love it more than anything. There’s nothing else in the world that makes me feel like I can express everything I’m feeling the way that dancing does. It makes me feel sort of unstoppable, you know?” You laugh, light and carefree, and Hoseok wonders why he can’t seem to tear his eyes off of you at that moment. 

“Wow” Hoseok whispers, not knowing how else to respond.

“Dancing gives me wings.” You state, standing up and getting ready for more practice.  

“Wings?”

He doesn’t understand it then, but he figures he might someday.

 …

 Jung Hoseok’s group of friends is a rowdy bunch and sometimes they do things that make him wonder why he even hangs out with them. At the moment, he was watching Taehyung down a bottle of coke as quickly as possible while crowded in a booth at their favorite diner in town.

“New record!” Jungkook hoots like a frat boy. 

“Yaaassss” Taehyung cheers, giving the younger boy a high five. He turns to Hoseok right after the celebration dies down. “Oh, hyung, I heard you’ve met a girl recently.”

“Yeah, he scored private dance lessons with Y/N. Y.N.” Jimin cuts in, crossing his arms and shaking his head like it was unbelievable. “Like dude, how the fuck did you get her number, when I’ve been secretly crushing on her for years?”

“She came to me.” Hoseok reminds. “But yeah, she’s pretty amazing. I can see why you were heads over heels for her.”

Jimin almost chokes on his water. “Thanks.” He mutters sarcastically. “I’m glad we can agree on one thing.”

“What I got out of the story is that you shouldn’t have invited Hoseok to the dance studio that day, and then arrived twenty minutes late.” Jungkook comments.

“Or maybe she just thinks he’s better at dancing than you.” Taehyung adds nonchalantly.

“Guys, stop rubbing it in.” Jimin sighs. “I’m over it.”

“That’s because you were never in it to begin with.” Jungkook cackles, and it’s so obnoxious that Jimin punches him in the shoulder.

To be completely honest, Hoseok didn’t understand it either. He didn’t know why you had offered to teach him how to dance and subsequently opted to spend your precious time with him almost everyday since, when you literally could have any other guy you wanted. You were beautiful, sweet, super talented, and sought after by every guy at the dance academy (according to Jimin) and he was just…Hoseok.

“Remember when I said your moves lacked emotion the first time I met you?”

“Yeah.” Hoseok clearly remembers that unexpected day that changed his life in a way he couldn’t have even dreamed of. It was one of the most memorable things that has ever happened to him and had been less than a month ago, so of course he remembers. He always will.  

“Well that wasn’t entirely true.”

“What do you mean?”

“There was a indecipherable kind of sadness I felt when I watched you dance. Has anything traumatic ever happened in your life? Sorry if I’m being nosy, but I think that emotion is still there even as I watch you dance now.”

Hoseok is stunned by your ability to analyze expression in dance, because never in a million years would he suspect anyone to be able to read him like a book the way you do. He hasn’t told anyone about his past, about being raised by a single father after his mother left him. He had become an expert at hiding these things, not wanting to bother anyone with his old scars that he thought had faded completely.

But you somehow became his soothing balm because he’s never felt this comfortable talking about his vulnerabilities with anyone, and certainly not this early on in any kind of relationship. He wonders if you’ll ever feel comfortable enough to open up to him in the same way he has to you because you were much stronger than he was on many levels, and yet he didn’t feel the need to outcompete you or prove himself in order to impress you. He liked the way you guided him and showed him the world through your eyes because everything you saw was artistic and breathtaking just like you. And thinking back, maybe he shouldn’t have made you feel like you had to be his stability in the turbulence that is life because it’s much easier to balance on a moving train when two people are leaning on each other.  

 …

 “Are you ready for your first performance?” You voice echoes through the dance studio once again as Hoseok’s gaze is still trained on his moving reflection in the mirror.

Another month had passed, and you had finally deemed Hoseok ready to enter into a dance competition. You’re team needed an extra person, and Hoseok had improved immensely just like you had predicted he would, so he was the perfect person to take the spot.

“Oh god, Y/N, I’m so nervous. I think I’m going to shit myself.”

You laugh out loud. “Come on Hobi, you’ll be fine. You’re dancing with a group, and I’ll be on stage with you.”

“I-I can’t do this.” Hoseok shakes his head, trying to calm his erratic breathing. “I haven’t been able to sleep and my hands are clammier than they’ve ever been.”

“Be brave, I believe in you.”

Hoseok doesn’t know if it’s because of your angelic voice or the determined look in your eyes as you lift a hand to caress his cheek, but in that instant he forgets about his nerves and worries about messing up or forgetting the steps on stage, because he would do anything for you, and if you believed in him, he was unstoppable.

  …

 It was on a cold rainy night when you faint in the dance studio for the first time. All Hoseok remembers is hearing a loud thump on the ground and panicking as he sprinted over to shake you awake in vain. There were a million thoughts racing through his head at the time. He didn’t know what to do and his mind wasn’t clear enough to be rational, so he lifts you up on his back and runs.

He runs and runs and runs. Faster than he ever has in his life, through the pouring water that is trickling into his eyes and blinding him, choking his airways as he tries to breath while he sprints through the dark and empty streets, fueled by pure panic and limitless adrenaline. He doesn’t know how serious this is, and he’s praying that it’s only a side effect of fatigue. And for a moment he’s actually able to persuade himself it could be just lack of sleep or the result of skipping a meal, but what it actually was, was something Hoseok could’ve never been prepared for. Even in retrospect, he still doesn’t know how he survived the ultimate revelation of your disease.

You had been diagnosed with a type of incurable cancer several years ago. Initially the chemotherapy had kept the malignant tumor at bay, but as expected of such vile diseases, it relapsed not too long ago. You had wanted to tell Hoseok, you really did, but you didn’t want to be responsible for tainting his sunny smile with the crimson from your dying body, not when his past wounds were just beginning to heal and his laugh had become your favorite sound in the world. But you were a fool to believe you could hide it from him forever.

“I’m sorry Hoseok. I’m sorry I’m scaring you like this. I wanted to tell you, but-”

“It’s my fault.” Hoseok shakes his head, biting his hands that are balled into fists. He hates himself for being the weak one. He hates the fact that you could never lean on him the way he leaned on you. It made him realize just how small and pathetic he was, and even now with tears streaming down his face uncontrollably as he watched your limp body lay on the hospital bed, he’s still fucking powerless.

“No, Hoseok, please don’t blame yourself. Don’t you dare ever blame yourself when someone else leaves you. Listen to me, it’s not your fault, it never is and it never will be.” Your voice is barely stern enough to sound cutting, but it was as sharp as you are able to manage with your vocal cords growing weak.

“Y/N, why didn’t you tell me?”

Your mouth curves into a faint smile. “Because I’ve always wanted to be strong, so I can show you what it feels like to have wings.” Your voice is weak, and your eyelids are droopy, but Hoseok’s grip is firmly latched on to your hand and somehow you’re able to convince yourself he’ll never let go.

 …

 One month.

That was how long your projected lifespan was according to the doctor, and as short as that may seem, as unfair as it was, you were thankful that you at least had that amount of time.

You couldn’t dance anymore, and that was perhaps what hit you the hardest, to have the one thing you loved most in this world ripped away from your soul. But you had Jung Hoseok, and you soon came to consider him to be the best trade-off you were lucky enough to be granted because he had become your sun on the gloomiest of days, the sweet scent of honeysuckle in the summer when you were banished into an endless winter. And it was precisely because he was the thing that replaced your long-held passion that made you realize just how deeply you had fallen in love with the him.

“How was your day?” You ask as he walks into your hospital room with a bouquet of flowers and a first place dance medal in his hands.

“It was great! We won Y/N! Your choreographed routine got first place!” He chirps, hoping over to your bedside and handing you the shiny gold medal.

You smile sadly. “I wish I was there to watch you perform.”

Hoseok takes a deep breath and sits down, taking your free hand and cupping it in both of his. “I was thinking about you the entire time I was dancing. I think that’s what made the performance perfect.”

You laugh. “So cheesy, I’m cringing.”

“Hey, I’m just speaking the truth.” Hoseok defends. “You’re the one who told me dance can allow you to express anything. I was dancing as if you were right there on stage with me, so technically you were the one who won this.”

Whenever he has time, Hoseok comes to visit and pushes you in a wheelchair around the hospital grounds. It was a good way to let you breath some fresh air and feel the rays of the sun hit your skin and warm your soul. Winter was coming to an end, and spring was just around the corner, so Hoseok hopes you can see the flowers bloom at least one last time.

“I’m glad that I met you, but I’m also sad I’m putting you through this.” You voice as you gaze at the empty trees that are just barely beginning to sprout green leaves. The wind was a bit chilly, but you felt strangely warm because your world now had two suns.

“I’m glad that I met you, and I’m grateful you’ve shared so much of yourself with me.” Hoseok repeats. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Hoseok.”

 …

 You left this life when the wild flowers started blooming in the spring. It was a peaceful death, although not without pain, but Hoseok was by your side the entire way through, like he always was, like he always will be, and like you always will be there for him. He was able to send you off because you had made him brave enough to face loss with a strong heart, to forgive misfortunate events because they give birth to everlasting memories that make you stronger.

And to this day he still misses you like the sun misses the moon, like star-crossed lovers miss each other from across chasms that separate worlds. He doesn’t think he’ll ever not miss you. He knows his heart will continue to search for you endlessly, reaching out towards that light he’ll continuously be racing towards and maybe he’ll never reach it, but at least he knows exactly where to find you.  

He can still hear the airy sound of your voice each time he steps on stage. When he’s trembling with nerves and has to take that deep sedative breath right before stepping under the limelight with the cheer of the crowd encouraging him to move like the wind, which he’s now able to do because you gifted him your wings.

 “Be brave, I’ll always believe in you.”

...

#bts scenarios #bangtan bookclub #btswriters #sfwbangtan #armiesnet #hoseok scenarios #bts fanfic #jung hoseok #jhope #bts angst #please excuse my ugly sobbing #requested

[ohsangwoozi]

Rant time | A letter for Antis.

Killing Stalking is a horror manhwa, for those of you who don't know. Not a BL manhwa. It may be tagged as BL because of the high amount of homosexual content, but as someone who's read it in it's entirety, I can assure you that most who read it don't get butterflies in their stomach because of it's sweet and heartfelt moments.

I would like to take a moment to highlight some of the arguments Antis have:

• We don't really like it for the psychological horror aspect.

• Everyone who reads it condones and supports abusive relationships.

• We are all terribly insensitive to rape/abuse victims.

• We all, especially heterosexual women, get some twisted high out of seeing Bum abused and then them having 'make-up sex'.

I'm sure there are more, but this text post is going to be long enough, as is. Let's start with the first argument.

Psycological horror. One of my favourite subjects. When I first heard of KS, I pictured it as some disgusting BL manhwa. Then I actually read it, because one of my close friends convinced me that I would like it, due to my high interest in psychology. After reading the first few chapters, I was completley intrigued. Was it because I was all, "OMG, Bum belongs with Sangwoo. Tru luv forever. Sangbum will prevail because Sangwoo is actually a good person who deserves all of his wrongs forgiven and forgotten!"? Hell no. I was amazed with Sangwoo from chapter one. Not because of his 10/10 undercut, but because of how interesting his mind was. I'm currently a student who's planning on attending university to become a psychologist. I'm not some basement stalker who's completely messed up. Koogi excellently depicts how a person with a really scary mind could have mood swings, unpredictable behaviours, or even go as far as to make murder a sexual thing in their mind. I am going to take a moment here to show you all an exert from the official Wiki page.

"Killing Stalking became a popular manhwa in early 2017 due to its dark themes, display of psychological manipulation, and depiction of physical abuse and violence. It gives an insightful look of how people with mental illness think, how they see the world and how abuse leaves impacts on their mental development."

Point two; condoning abusive relationships. As a person who was apart of an abusive relationship, I can gaurentee wholeheartedly that I do not support them in any way, shape, or form. People, regardless of sexuality, gender, race, etc. should be in treated with tremendous amounts of respect and care, both physically and emotionally. In saying that, Sangbum is a fictional ship. I don't ship the two together because I think their dynamic is healthy and normal. I think the two, due to Bum's Stockholm syndrome, are an interesting pair to watch, especially when it comes to how their dynamic grows and changes. This isn't the recipe for a healthy relationship in real life, but it creates an engaging dynamic between Sang and Bum that keeps the stakes perpetually high. Do I think they'll ever be a healthy, loving ship? Fuck no. Would I ever wish their circumstance on any people in the real world? Fuck no.

Side Note: Why do you Antis never have a problem with any other shows/literature that depicts unhealthy relationships, like OITNB and Hannibal?

Point three. The insensitivity to rape and abuse victims. This argument is just bullshit. For starters, I would like to say that, for those of you non-victims who feel the need to baby these people, take a step back. Multiple victims have come forth and said that they're not baby's to coddled and protected; they're human beings too who are quite capable of finding their voice, and are even stronger because of their experiences. I have so many friends who are survivors of rape and abuse, and I can gaurentee I'm not insensitive. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the Mom Friend™ and am a loving and caring person. I understand that some people find the content triggering and disgusting, and that's okay. That's more than okay. Just don't read it. Block all of the tags.

Point four. The sexual high. Thank you, stranger, for telling me how I think and feel. As a bisexual woman who reads this for the psychological experience and beautiful art, thank you, kind fucker, for putting words into my mouth. There are going to be people who sexualize it. Just like in everything else. There are people who sexualize the cannibalism in Hannibal. Where's your letter to them?

Listen, I'm just tired of going through the tag and feeling attacked. There's even an anti KS tag. A tag completley dedicated to bullying others for something they love. As a bullying victim, I can say with certainty that it is not alright in any situation. Take something you love. Think about it. Think about it for a long time. And now imagine someone picked every little flaw out of it and bullied you for liking it. Tadaa, Antis. That's you.

If you don't like it, stay out of the tag. Stop bullying others and making excuses for it. There is NO EXCUSE for telling someone they're a bad person because they like a piece of work. NO EXCUSE for bullying, in general.

I'm sure most of you stopped after the first paragraph, but for those of you who didn't, thank you for your time.

— a message from Woozi.

#killing stalking #anti killing stalking #anti ks