#my head hurtsssss I just wanna go home

[nsliyjeonju2018-blog]

July 2 [7월 2일]

“I almost missed the bus today. It was pulling into the stop as I was crossing the road. I barely made it. 

“With 강선생님 we sang an introduction song, played 3.6.9. and made little ID cards. [They were more like stickers. I still have mine, it’s on the folder I got in Korea.] After lunch, we had music class and started 아리랑 [a traditional song] on the 소금 [a traditional korean instrument, it’s kind of like a flute] It’s like a flute and a recorder combined. That was fun, but Gilda and I couldn’t stop making jokes. After that, our tutors took us to 객사. We went to Gongcha and then to Artbox, a little stationary store. It had more than just stationary though. I’ll probably get little gifts from there.

“On the way home, an 아주마 and I were standing by the exit door for our stop but the bus driver just,,,,, kept going. I learned that you gotta press the stop button no matter what, just to be on the safe side. One day, I’ll be able to get off on the right stop. 

“우정언니 helped me with homework. But my head hurtsssss. I still have to review numbers but I think I’ll ask another 언니 for that. Both 다정언니 and 진언니 are tutoring right now. So I’m just chilling, writing this. Today was actually the first time eating with all five of the family. Fun. That sounds sarcastic, but it’s not. It was good. 

“Oh yeah, Fatima met with my host mom today and they talked about me. Apparently, they want me to talk more. Plus, 이모 said I’m too polite. Did Ammi raise me wrong? I mean, I don’t know how to interact with them. Like, when I meet people, I need them to talk to me. me + initiating conversation = massive N O P E. never. Fatima said they like the cutsey type thing, so maybe I should lean against 언니? UGH this is hard. I wanna go home, come home, whatever. HOMESICK. That is me. 

So basically, I think it’s really important to pay attention to your host family and what they say in the beginning. I do have regrets yet, I do think I should have tried harder to get close with my host family, but what happened, happened, ya know?

#nsli-y #nsliy #nsli-y summer #jeonju #nsliy experience #american councils #nsliy jeonju #study abroad #Korea #korean #south korea #korean summer

[inhalareexhalare]

Patterns and People and Common Fucking Sense

Everything was dandy up to this one moment.

Here's the stuff I got to tell Isla:

I'm on my first day so it hurtsssss

Also I'm attending a little album launch for [Theodore's] old band. Lots of awesome bands out here x_x

It's been all fun, and I hate to admit this but I'm still kinda sulky

Because the guys went ahead inside without me huhu. It's just really me though. Maybe they thought I was too scared of the crowd to enter or something.

I'm outside now since I can't focus on the music anyway. My head understands, but my emotions still are sulky. Guess I still haven't accepted the fact that they went ahead

Just takin a break from the scene~

...

Better now but I still don't want to see [Karu's] face. I feel sorta hurt :< but I know it's really just me. Cuz I'm also partly envious of how they're having fun right now without a care in the world, and I could just vanish and they wouldn't mind you know? I feel like a kid who craves for attention. Maybe I didn't really get over that from when I was an actual kid haha

Isla suggested that I could tell these people that I'm not so comfortable with being left out, and ask them if they could tell me next time when they have to go.

To Isla:

Yeah. Actually that sounds like a lot more reasonable thing to do HAHAHA

Thanks.

I feel a lot better now. :) I might even be able to face him now!

To Isla it's important that the person involved is informed so that you know that you've done your part, and it's up to them if they can adjust to it or not. If not, better have another conversation.

I feel it's important too.

Ugh why am I so stubborn? I slapped Karu's hand away by the way. I found out they went ahead without me and gathered my courage to go to the crowd and found them, and I tried to show him my hurt by pouting but it seemed too vague so he acted naturally and clasped my hand with his, as we had been doing one hour before I went alone, and I brushed it off with my other hand quite violently. Wordlessly.

Then vanished from the scene. That's when I saw I could "just vanish​ and it wouldn't matter" and I was too sad to think straight.

I actually am still sad. Even though I talk calmly and gently now, and am not aggressive/antagonistic towards Karu or anyone. I wasn't lying when I told Isla I feel a lot better. It's just that I have a completely independent internal conflict. A belief system, in my sleep, in my unconscious, rearing its horns again.

I am completely convinced that I'm a worthless piece of shit and that I don't matter and I'm ironically too self-important while knowing all these things.

I want to go away. I want to disappear.

I've been considering jumping off after I vanished. Twice maybe. But it feels too stupid. I got many things I still want to learn.

Not that I'm worth it.

Aaaah. I wanna cry alone once everyone's asleep. It's one way to take care of myself.

This un-worth belief is so persistent. And deeply rooted. I literally have to get to the bottom of it if I want to calm it down and understand it. Which is scary.

I didn't even check my phone to see if anyone left a message. I wanted an excuse. Something to confirm my inner worthlessness. Psychology calls this confirmation bias. Yes. That's how bad this is.

2019-02-24 02:00 Philippines Sunday

I ended up crying my eyeballs off anyway (figurative).

After reading my last entry, Karu went and talked about his perspective to bring additional clarity to the situation.

I took it as a reprimand. Again, the victim reflex. His voice sounded hurt and tired. I ran off to cry in secret for several minutes after my voice broke saying, "I weren't wrong, I never said that!" (meaning, I knew all along that I wasn't making sense, and that these people were just doing what they thought was right.

With the bare minimum courage necessary to move, I managed to get out of the bathroom and reenter our room. I apologized. My voice kept breaking and I didn't like it. But I had to keep apologizing. Because I seriously thought he'd want to break up tonight. I think he must be getting tired of me. I just seem to be getting worse. Or I'm just really the same and just running out of excuses to hide from.

He expressed that he was truly affected by the hand slap, since his problem is anger and rage, and he reacts especially differently when it comes to physical attacks.

But assured me that he doesn't want to break up for "a stupid reason" like getting tired of me.

Getting tired isn't a valid reason to quit training altogether, he said. 

"If I'm tired, what I need is rest (not quit)."

How stupid. It's really that simple.

He encourages me to keep going, despite it being unknown how any of us can be fixed.

Well, each individual really just has their own struggles. We define some people broken and others fixed, but maybe we're all just the same; undecided. We're all people with struggles, most of them hard to accept, even as we try hard to. And we get tired along the way.

But when you're tired, you must rest.

It's okay. So you made a mistake. Learn what you can from it. Move on to the next mission: rest. And then your next move shall depend on what you want to do about what you learned.

Okay, this time, I'm faced with a feeling of being left out again. My instinctive move is to assume these people meant to harm me, and my self worth is heavily compromised for a transient sense of comfort in a familiar hell (which is self depreciation).

(1) Find an appropriate means of communication to help them understand what you feel and what your fears are telling you. Hopefully, they make that dialogue with you and share their perspective to you, so you can understand things from a farther standpoint. (Bigger picture.)

It's important not to delay. But the point is also, however, to keep calm. So next...

(2) Focus. Breathe in deeply, and out. Look into their eyes. Don't treat them as persons in relation to you. Treat them as they are—independent complex individuals.

Okay. More things to try out.

2019-02-24 03:22 Philippines Sunday

Okay, I'm awake. I'm not done assessing myself yet.

Why is it that there are things I want to do which I think requires Karu's common presence?

Example 1, even if I had my own funds last night, I wouldn't go if Karu wouldn't. Even if I really was curious to go.

Example 2, even of I could, I wouldn't go to Cavite alone, if Karu wouldn't be coming with me. Even if I really wanted to visit.

But it's not applicable to everything.

Examples 3, If it were about visiting Isla's home or hanging out with Nynaeve, or having lunch with the Dean Team or going out with them somewhere, I would love to go on my own.

The pattern is that my decision is made partly according to the developed identity around a certain group.

Examples 1 and 2 involve groups which involve me only as a person that is related to Karu. Meaning, in those scenarios, I consider myself as an identity that won't survive, or even exist, if Karu wasn't there to be a connecting point to relate me to the group.

Examples 3 involve the groups to which I am related to as my own person. I am directly related to the mentioned people.

Okay, I get it now.

I need to step up. I need to make authentic, direct relationships with the groups that I really want to support

Yes, I do like the people from Examples 1, and 2. It's just that I developed a twisted way of relating to them, from being too overwhelmed the first time we interacted, that I didn't get to relate to them directly.

I knew it was weird that no matter what the people from those two groups found it hard to relate to me even though they seem to be used to my presence.

Mission: Focus In Crisis—Communicate with Independent Complex Individuals

Mission: Make Authentic, Direct Relationships

I'm more organized with thoughts now, but I still have some leftover demotivation. I feel like I can't do these things.

2019-02-24 10:39 Philippines Sunday

We're here, celebrating birthdays! I'm surprisingly doing well talking with people old and young. I am blending well with the kids, and I was able to extend conversations with the adults who I am not really close to yet. It really is easier to talk with them when I disconnect the fact that Karu and I are related in relation to these adults.

There are about three sibling families here~

The kids have crazy energy but I seemed to be working well with them hahaha because I'm more of a buddy to them than a babysitter I guess. Konten and Yani avoids Jerry because the little boy has an uncontrollable tongue and very poorly developed empathy and tact. He seems smart enough to be able to talk to though, so we're all cool.

2019-02-24 10:39 Philippines Sunday

#chrono7 #social #sad #cry #anxiety #mission #progress #party #marriage #pattern