#nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kniferottt · 3 years

Note

Since requests are coming in slow, I got a little request for you since you havent written with her for a bit. Think we could get some headcannons of stuff Nyx would do if you were dating them or headcannons in general- well I guess they would be headcannons- even though it's your oc- it'd help introduce her more since I adore her :3

Shiiiii- silver skdbsj okay so I've only briefly mentioned my oc Nyx but not by much so I'll do dating Headcanons giving a bit of an introduction

❦

Dating Headcanons

Nyx is one of the many overlords in hell but she is one of the only select few females, because of it she makes sure to really keep to herself but she hasn't lost what made her.. human, though she makes sure to keep it hidden within public eye

when in love with someone she isn't exactly subtle as she'll flirt constantly though it can come off as normal since with her personality of being naturally sensual (yet she's rather sadistic her intentions may not be entirely pure..)

She prides herself in her charisma and ability to gain whatever she pleases so she does have a bit of a god complex

the god complex totally isn't there to hide her issues

She'll tone it down if she notices you're not the type to enjoy someone like that

She'll give you little gifts whether it be handcrafted or bought she always tend to make sure it's sincere taking into thought what the person is like

She has sketchbooks upon sketchbooks full of drawings of you but that is something she keeps to herself unless asked to see

She practices brujería, her powers are derived from it so you may not know but she'll place protective spells and such over you in certain circumstances if she's not able to keep a watchful eye on them

She'll constantly cleanse you while chastising you for either being reckless or being around bad people but will take into count if she sees how great the urge of someone wanting to harm you is

She creates poppets of you and herself for her to keep the one of you and you keep hers. Its an intimiate little thing please care for the doll as if you were holding her.

Having never exactly been in a proper relationship she may come on a little to strong or to forward, if it makes them uncomfortable she'll quickly back off and look over where she went wrong

Please for the love that is unholy be gentle with her over it, her emotions play immensely into how she reacts and if it's a poor reaction her powers go a bit haywire and it's likely she'll end up harming herself or you

She'll constantly ask to cook for you, or simply bring you meals out of fucking nowhere. It's as if she senses when you're craving something or simply hungry

"what do you mean you're full? You're practically malnourished have some more!"

-proceeds to serve you more than one could physically eat-

Will take care of you if you fall ill or injure yourself without hesitation

Similar to the whole food situation she just knows, don't ask.. she just does and good luck getting her back off as she'll likely accidentally baby you over it

Will adore dancing with you and teaching you, she was raised in a family where it was simply tradition to have little dance Partys every weekend

Bachata, Merengue, Salsa, even Reggaeton and then throw in ballet she took as a child and then likely having learned Swing from Alastor most likely

She will be patient and teach you, she recalls how difficult it was for her when learning so she'll be kind. The look of pride and adoration on her face when you succeed is precious

Will sing when you dance, Will sing to you in general primarily in Spanish finding it to be something more endearing due to her native tongue being referred to as a romantic language

Nyx can and will not hesitate to kill for you if even a single hair on your head is harmed.

She's far to protective and possessive for her own good and if she were to find out anyone had harmed you in any form no one would be able to stop her from going ballistic

If you're in her presence when it happens she'll do her best to keep herself contained but it doesn't help when her physical appearance is affected by her anger to which she'll likely cover your eyes with a hand wanting for you to see how she normally is, not like this.

On days where she's more emotional and her powers are rather unstable she'll likely end up locking herself away from you to keep you safe but as well keep your image of her as she places it untainted

Okay this one is really fucking funny to me but she died a gen-z girl, she died in 2020 so the way she ends up speaking to you is a little off as it almost sounds strange or doesn't make sense (if you're not from her time that is) but if you've spent enough time around her the slang she uses in a loving way just makes sense

Or if you're from her time then you're all good

It's a little strange from how elegant and proper she goes to a gremlin of sorts the next

"I'm a little preoccupied at the moment, though I suppose Im able to spare a minute for you mi amor, proceed."

"i'm finna yeet myself out this window, and commit un alive and take myself out a second time thanks."

Both are said to you in likely the span of 5 fucking minutes or less

All in all Nyx may be an overlord but when in love with you the title means nothing to her, she'll worship the ground you walk on and devote herself to you forgive the obsession she gains over you

Understand that once you're with her if you choose to try and leave her? There's no guarantee you'll make it out the relationship alive that is..

You're her piece of heaven in this hell, she will not give it up without a rather gruesome fight

❦

I hope you guys enjoyed these little headcanons with my oc, if you'd like to know more/see more of her I'm more than happy to do so and thanks again to silver for requesting this sjfhdjs

#hazbin hotel #multi fandom blog #hazbin oc #hazbin original character #multi fandom imagines #x reader blog #hazbin hotel blog #x reader imagines #oc x reader

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solletichi · 4 years

Text

Self-Improvement

okay so i havent tortured kokichi in a long time and i had this WONDERFUL idea where basically kokichi wants to start lying less and stuff to get shuichi to like him more (bc i love oumasai) so he asks miu for help, and miu ends up making him a uniform that tickles him whenever he lies or is a brat or WHATEVER and yeah so enjoy!!!

~~~~~~~

“This is stupid.”

“Hey! Don’t call my invention stupid! It’s pure genius!”

“You made a shirt that’ll tickle me whenever I lie? What do you think I am, five?”

“Listen up shota!” Miu lifted her goggles up from her face, stepping away from her workbench. “You wanted something that’ll stop you from lying so you can impress Shuichi and this is what I came up with!”

Kokichi glanced down at the shirt he was wearing, which Miu practically shoved him into. Appearance-wise, it looked exactly like his usual shirt, as it was made from one of his spare uniforms. However, lining the inside of the shirt were dozens of feathers and even miniature claws, ready to launch into action at any time. And to make it even worse, it was programmed so that only Miu could take it off of him.

“How does this thing even work?” he asked curiously.

“The shirt is activated by this remote right here, so that the person controller it can remotely tickle you every time you misbehave!” She held up a small, grey remote with a single switch on it. “It’s a homemade masochism machine, gyahaha! It’s perfect for you!” she sneered, cackling.

“Sooo... you’ll just activate this shirt whenever you feel like it?” he questioned. “No offense, but I don’t trust a pea-brained bitchlet like you to control something like this.”

“Well it’s a good thing I’m not gonna be the one controlling it!” she smirked.

“Yeah, yeah... Wait, what?”

Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of someone knocking on the door to Miu’s lab.

“Miu? Kokichi? Are you guys in there?” the voice asked. The door creaked open and in came Kaito, who grinned once he saw the other two. “There you guys are!”

Kokichi whipped his head around and glared at Miu, causing her to smirk even wider. He pulled her to the side, whispering to her.

“You did not rope him into this!”

“Relax! He’s around Poo-ichi all the time, so he’ll be there to stop you from lying in front of him!”

Kokichi sighed, rubbing his temples. Miu’s reasoning did make sense, but having Kaito be the one in control... This was going to be interesting...

“Fine!” Kokichi whispered before turning around to walk back over to Kaito, with Miu following him.

“Thanks for helping us out with this!” Miu cheered, beyond herself with excitement.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world!” he smirked, looking at Kokichi.

Miu tossed the remote over to Kaito while Kokichi sulked. “Here, catch!”

Kaito caught the remote and held it in his hand, observing it.

“Mind if I test it out?” he positioned his thumb over the switch, preparing to turn it on.

“Go ahead!” Miu leaned back on her desk, preparing herself for the show.

Kaito switched the remote on, activating the shirt. Immediately, Kokichi was attacked with tickles from all angles as the shirt worked its magic.

“PFT- AHAHAHAHAHA!” Kokichi doubled over with laughter, clutching his sides. Feathers wiggled under his arms and on his stomach, paying special attention to the area in and around his navel. Meanwhile, tiny claws squeezed at his hips and sides, as well as drumming into his ribs. The sensation was intense and visceral, like electric shocks coursing throughout his entire body.

“Ha! This is amazing!” Kaito spoke over Kokichi’s crazed cackles. “Who knew Kokichi was so ticklish!”

“Hell yes! It works!” Miu shouted triumphantly.

“P-PLEHEAHEAZE!” Kokichi felt his body growing weaker, and he could do little but laugh as his torment continued. “NAHAHAHAHA!”

Reluctantly, Kaito pressed the switch back on the remote, turning the shirt off for now. Kokichi just stood there panting, blinking tears out of his eyes.

“Hah... That was torture...”

“You better not be a brat or I’ll tickle ya for twice as long!” Kaito said confidently, holding the remote up. Kokichi winced.

“Well, off you go!” Miu was surprisingly quick to shove the two of them out of her lab. “Let me know if you need anything!” Shutting the door in their faces, she left Kaito and Kokichi alone to go about the rest of their day.

As soon as they had been shoved out of Miu’s lab, Kokichi immediately tried to make a run for it, but Kaito grabbed him by the arm before he could go anywhere.

“Not so fast!” Kokichi pouted in response. “What do you say we go get lunch? Shuichi and Maki Roll are waiting for me.”

“Oh great, I’d love to spend my afternoon with you and your loser friends.” Kokichi complained. “Sounds exciting.”

Kaito promptly switched the remote on, sending Kokichi into hysterics once more.

“FAHAHACK! OKAYOKAYOKAHAHAY I’M SOHOHOREEE!” Kokichi cried. Heeding his apology, Kaito switched the remote off.

“Any other smart comments you wanna make?” Kaito kept his thumb on the switch as a silent threat. Kokichi shook his head, gathering his composure.

“Good. Now let’s go.”

Kaito and Kokichi made their way to the cafeteria, mostly walking in silence. That was, until they ran into Kiibo.

“Sup, Kiibo?” Kaito greeted.

“Hello. Where are you two going?” Kiibo responded.

“We’re heading to the dining hall to grab some lunch! Wanna come?” Kaito offered.

“I would, but... I don’t have the ability to eat. Professor Idabashi didn’t equip me with that function.” Kiibo said sadly.

Kokichi scoffed, giggling a bit to himself. “Poor Kiiboy! Guess that just proves that...” He cut himself off, noticing the way that Kaito was smirking at him. Kokichi gulped.

“Hm? What was that, Kokichi?” Kiibo asked.

“Yeah, Kokichi...” Kaito teased. “What were you saying?”

Backed into a corner, Kokichi had no choice but to say something next. Given that he couldn’t lie or insult Kiibo, there were little options as to what he could say.

“Uh... I said, why don’t you come with us anyway, Kiibo? We would... love to have you with us...?” Kokichi stammered glancing at Kaito for approval.

Kiibo hesitated with his response, clearly having been expecting a robophobic comment. “I wish I could, but I’m scheduled for maintenance in Miu’s lab. Next time, perhaps.” Kiibo looked towards the small remote that Kaito was still holding. “What is that device that you’re holding?”

“Oh, this? It’s, uh...”

“It’s the detonator for a bomb I hid somewhere in the school! I gave it to Kaito so he could take the blame for the explosion!” Kokichi said excitedly, before realizing that he just doomed himself.

“What?! Now that has to be a lie, Kokichi!” Kiibo pointed accusingly at him.

“W-Wait! That’s not what I meHEHEANT!! EEYAHAHAHAHA!” Kokichi started cackling once more as Kaito flicked the switch on, but fortunately he switched it back off after only a few seconds.

“Um, Kokichi...? What’s so funny?” Kiibo asked, clearly confused.

“N-Nothing! I mean...” Kokichi pondered his options mentally before settling on the safest one. “See ya, Kiiboy!” He bolted off towards the cafeteria, with Kaito soon following after he gave Kiibo a small wave.

Kaito chuckled once he caught up with Kokichi, “Is it really that hard for you to not harass Kiibo?”

“Yes. God I wanted to insult him so bad.” Kokichi confessed, surprisingly honest.

The two of them walked a little more before arriving at the dining hall, where Shuichi and Maki were waiting. Kirumi was also there, serving them food as diligently as always.

Kaito waved to them, “Hey guys! I hope you don’t mind, but I brought Kokichi with me!”

In response to seeing Kokichi, Maki scowled, while Shuichi just laughed a bit nervously. They sat down across from Maki and Shuichi, while Kirumi placed down a plate of mini sandwiches.

“I, uh, didn’t expect you two of all people to be hanging out together...” Shuichi stammered.

“Since when are you two friends?” Maki narrowed her eyes at the two of them.

A mixture of half-assed excuses came from both boys, equally frazzled in their attempts to cover up the truth. At least Kaito hid the remote in his pocket this time, so that it wasn’t visible. At least not to the others.

Kokichi, however, could clearly see the remote, only inches away from his hand. Screw trying to lie less... if he could grab that remote, he could say all the mean things that he wants! He waited until Kaito was adequately distracted, and then...

He carefully plucked the remote out of Kaito’s pocket and closed his fist around it. Kokichi grinned to himself, having successfully completed this operation.

“...What are you smiling about?” Maki directed her question at Kokichi, who in turn smiled even wider.

“Is the killer girl worried about me? How adorable!” Kaito searched his pocket for the remote but it was nowhere to be found. Kokichi smirked. “And here I was, thinking you had no heart!”

Checking his other pocket and doing a quick scan of the area around him, it didn’t take Kaito long to realize that the remote had been stolen.

“Looking for this?” Kokichi held the remote just out of Kaito’s reach, snickering when he tried but failed to grab it.

“Kokichi! Give that back!” The two bickered, ignoring Shuichi and Maki’s confused questions of what it was that Kokichi was holding.

“No can do, spaceman!” Kokichi stood up from the table, closing the remote in his fist again. “See ya!”

Before Kokichi could sprint off, Kaito stood up and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him towards him. Being considerably stronger, Kaito was able to force Kokichi’s hand open and grab the remote, switching it on as soon as possible.

“AH! GAHAHAHAHA NOOO!” Kokichi yelped as the shirt got back to work, tickling him with renewed vigor. “SHIHIHIHIT NAHAHAHAHA!”

“Ha! That’s what you deserve you little shit!” Kaito said proudly, holding the remote up in the air.

“Kaito...? What is that thing?” Shuichi asked, speaking more than enough for him and Maki, both of them bewildered and confused.

“Oh! This is a remote that Miu made! When you switch it on it tickles the crap outta Kokichi!”

“And you had it because...?”

“Miu wanted me to turn it on every time Kokichi lied or was being annoying...” he glanced at Kokichi, who was clutching at his stomach, doubled over with laughter. Kaito smirked when Kokichi’s knees buckled and he fell to the ground. “I’d say it’s working pretty well.”

“GAHAHAHAHAD MAHAHAKE IHIHIT STOHOHOP!” Kokichi practically screeched. “I’M SOHOHOREEHEE!!”

“Alright, that’s enough. I guess I should- oof!” As Kaito turned around he bumped into Kirumi, who was carrying a tray of drinks. A few glasses of water spilled onto his arm and on the remote, causing it to short-circuit.

“...Uh oh.”

“My apologies. I will fetch towels for the both of us. Excuse me.”

Kaito wasn’t even thinking about the water that was spilled on him. All he could focus on was...

“BWAHAHAHAHA FUHUHUHUCK EHEEHEEHEE!” Kokichi was kicking and squirming, flailing like a madman on the ground. The others watched in awe, too shocked to figure out what to do. Eventually, the tickling abruptly stopped, leaving Kokichi in a haze of shivers and after giggles.

Panting quite heavily, he stood up on shaky legs, muttering curse words under his breath.

“Gotta... f-find Miu... get me out of this thing...” Kokichi wobbled out of the cafeteria, off to get Miu to help him out of the shirt.

Meanwhile, Kaito, Shuichi and Maki continued their lunch, trying to ignore the spectacle they had just witnessed. Eventually, Kirumi returned with towels, and the trio went on with their day, completely forgetting about the incident.

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nomorevanillabeanicecream · 4 years

Text

no more vanilla bean ice cream

they were out of vanilla bean ice cream, they had vanilla, french vanilla, sweet cream vanilla and cheesecake vanilla, but not vanilla bean, when did everyone all of a sudden get into vanilla bean, everyone was a pig they could not care less about the bean in the vanilla or not, but now apparently everyone was into vanilla bean ice cream because last week there was a full row of umpqua vanilla bean ice cream and now there was none

so I’m waiting in line at safeway with my subpar vanilla ice cream after I had gone on a much needed quarantine run right after spending two hours texting my friend and she was telling me about how google owns all the data in the world and not only has enough data to know me better than myself, but since they know everyone else’s data too, they know my friends data so they know me in context, the whole thing was very depressing so depressing i didnt even want to use a period in my writing anymore because what the fuck was the point of punctuation anyway in this world, i would still be nice and use commas, just to give my fingers a break and be able to get a thought in or so.

i guess i could also accommodate for paragraphs break at visually appropriate times, it didn't matter if it was contextually appropriate or not, i was going to drop a paragraph break because i know people like paragraphs, charles dickens and dostoevsky and jane austen and leo tolstoy never made paragraph breaks that's why no one ever read their books, people just say they read them to seem smart but they never really read them they just knew it was the right thing to say that they were literary geniuses because their books were so long, see people like to lie and say they know the work of a great author even though they only read a few quotes by them, but that was enough to say good and bad things about writers without ever knowing what the hell they did, few understand the theory of relativity but everyone calls einstein a genius.

the thing about quarantine was that at this point i had gotten used to seeing very few people in my life and i was enjoying it so whenever i had to go to the supermarket i had to see all these people and boy were they gross, maybe i would not have seen them as so gross if had gotten my vanilla bean ice cream but i had not so, they were gross, they were all getting so fat, and fat in like weird ways, not like fat on the sides like the michelin tire guy or a cute belly like the pillsbury dough boy or like that kinda funny superfat like homer simpson or peter griffin they were just gross fat, like it looked like they had just been eating garbage and watching netflix fat, like this one guy seemed like if you got a pillowcase filled it up with hot lard and then poked two pool cues on the bottom of it, this other lady looked like a minifridge emptied into a potato sack.

the asses were the worst part, it was kinda hot so everyone was wearing shorts and it was not appropriate when they wear shorts always have that like red line right under the shorts and it does not look that great, the oddest one was the skinny ass but with fat legs, i did not get that one, the person would have no ass mass at all but then the legs were super fat i did not understand what they were doing to get their bodies to look this way, a lot of people were also walking around with wedgies, a lot of people were also walking around in pajamas covered in animal hair and it was gross, its like you have nowhere to go, you are all complaining about not having the right to go out, so when you do go out why not maybe spruce things up, honour life, honour your fellow human, no, screw that we are all going to behave like the whole entire public sphere is a big ass pijama party,

the whole facemask thing, wait before, i start talking about the facemask thing, everytime i start a new paragraph, google is trying to force me into capitalizing the first letter, it doesn't even ask me if i want to capitalize it, it just goes ahead and does it, google is such an presumptuous douche sometimes, now when i write in gmail, it autocompletes all my sentences, great so we can all sound like robots, and it does it like automatically, so i ending having to erase the lame sentence it wrote, i mean i would have probably come up with something similar or exactly the same too, after all there are only so many ways to say goodbye, but id like to think it was my idea, these engineers had no savoir faire, just so you know, so now i hope that everytime you start to read a new paragraph you imagine me hitting the backspace button to delete their fascist capital letters, and its frustrating because im really trying to write as fast as i can, i bet you can tell

see it happened again, and its not that i just have to hit the delete, i have to get my mouse and put my cursor there so it like detects its not just on mistake i am trying to delete their smartass capital letter, so yeah to the facemask thing, the whole facemask thing was pretty dumb, i mean if the facemask was the windshield to the coronavirus i didnt get how casual people were being about, they would just pull it right down under their noise, oh great now you have all your coronavirus on your nostrils, what the hell, i didnt get it, im pretty sure noone in that safeway store had coronavirus, and it was coronavirus not covid19, what is it about us having to find dandy little names for things, it was the coronavirus and thats that, so yeah we were all carrying about these facemasks that if they were really protecting us from the coronavirus lingering in the air then we were being flagrantly irresponsible in our use, but deep down we all felt it wasnt, but we just had to wear one because it was the rule, but we all knew noone in the store had coronavirus

it may sound weird, but i think you know when someone has coronavirus, its like you can just tell, you know like other things you can just tell about a person, i remember i once went up to san francisco about a month ago, and i saw this guy on the muni line headed to the bayview that for sure had coronavirus, he wasnt coughing or anything, but i saw him and i knew he definitely had coronavirus, it wasnt because he was black or chinese or anything, this isnt like a hidden racist joke, i could just tell, i freaked out , and i havent gone up to the city since then, and then, lo and behold they announced that a muni driver got the corona and that the bayview district had the most corona cases in the cities, see sometimes you can just tell

im pretty sure that day i even had the corona on me, i mean i didnt get it, but im pretty sure it landed on my hand, but i washed it before i touched any of my mucous parts, but it was there with me, i dont think it was from the guy on the bus thought, i think it landed from this other guy, i went to a deli to buy water, bananas, coca cola and chocolate and this guy was kinda drunk and talking real loud and coming real close and i could feel the air get really moist when he passed by me and my hand was exposed and i know that at that moment some of it got on my hand, but i didnt panic, i knew i couldnt lose my cool, i had to just play it smooth, and wait till i could get to the studio and wash my hand and everything else, i was really thorough i walked the whole way back to the studio with my hand outstretched so it wouldnt touch my jacket or anything, i could feel it was there, it was for sure there, but i played it cool and washed it and nothing happen, but i was that close

and thats why you have to wash your hands because you could be that close too to having coronavirus, so see im not that crazy, that the reason they recommend us all to wash our hands, because at some point it could be that close to you, and if you don't wash your hand before your touch your eye, boom you got coronavirus, crazy to think that you too could have had coronavirus on you, and you could have, but now i think there isnt that much coronavirus on things anywhere, i think the coronavirus is like hiding or something, i think the coronavirus are like finding their niches and stuff, like if you ask me i think the coronavirus right now is probably somewhere where the sun dont shine, i bet it like flew to a a dirty dive bar that was totally shut down windows boarded and everything, but its there just chilling on the sticky counter, waiting to come back in the summer, i also think it might be at like some nasty to-go food place, like there is this wing place open till midnite around my house, i bet there is a little coronavirus there, but only a little bit, and its like one of the lazy ones, so i dont think it feels like jumping on anyone

at work i have to tell the staff how to wash their hands, i tell them they have to wash on top of their hand, palm of their hand, each finger, in between fingers, under the finger nails, and up to the elbow, but i mean if they have coronavirus, and their touching my food, i think its going to get on the to go box anyway, but its the rules so i play along, i even translated the rules, and told them to sign a paper, the paper also said that they had to wear a facemask, its not like they have multiple facemasks, i mean we are going to give them a few, but its up to them to wash it, one guy asked me if he could use the same one for a few days, i told him no, but i mean even if he washes his facemask before work and then lets say he puts it in his pocket, what if his jacket has corona but his facemask doesnt, itd be a real shame if his corona jacket infected his noncorona facemask, but i saw him and i dont think he had corona anyway

im repeating the same point and the rant is losing steam, so i gotta ramp it back up, or maybe no, maybe its not all just about ranting, maybe i should tell you some good things, like ill tell you about my run, the day was so nice, it was bright and sunny, and thats really all i gotta say, the point that i have more to say about right now is that i feel like im writing like that kid from catcher in the rye, that kid was a real case, i cant say i disliked the kid, but i wouldnt hang out with him, i mean in general i wouldnt be hanging out with high schoolers, but i might hang out with him after he grows up, i think we were all like that kid at some point, and the ones that arent, are soul dead and just go to work and drink craft beer and probably become those engineers without savoir faire that figure out the code to finish my email sentences

but i also feel that i am writing likes james joyce in ulysses, those are two books that i read from cover to cover ulysses and catcher in the rye, all it takes is a good fucked up guy to write something honest and you can get me to finish it, james joyce was all about stream of consciousness, crazy to think that ulysses is regularly named the best book of the century, and it wasnt even that bad of a century for books, it was a crazy book, and it was daring and new to just expose how he felt a person thought, and i mean it was pretty smart, because that is how we think, we jump around and we get nervous and self conscious and horny and we think in simple letters, and our memories associate things weirdly, i mean dante was the best writer of all the time, but i dont know anyone that thinks inside their brain in metered stanzas, if there was such a person, i dont know if id like to meet him, it would be a lot to handle good novels have taught me a lot, they've confused me too, but overall taught me things, see life is a grey thing, like there arent absolute values,

for us human beings, its easy to think of things as black and white, good and bad, yes or no, but thats not how it goes, there is a lot of grey area, and thats why i guess i liked ulysses, see the whole book is about this guy that is roaming around dublin, while he knows his wife is cheating on him, the last chapter is a stream of consciousness from his wifes mind, in which she just goes through her mind thinking about her past lovers and this guy she is cheating on her husband with, and ultimately she feels bad and when her husband climbs back into bed with her, shes like thinking oh there he is again, old leopold, but hes my leopold and she i guess kinda does admit to loving him, life hurts like that sometimes, a woman can still love you but cheat on you, a man can do it too, anyone can cheat on you, but still love you, anyone can hurt you and still love you, its a rough reality, remember i wrote an essay on this book, and the teacher said that i should save it and give it to the woman i marry it was so good, i didnt save it so i guess that wont ever happen, i cant even remember what i said, probably something about forgiveness and the abstract beauty of love, i was only twenty, i could have said anything

i wish i could remember what i wrote though, nowadays a lot of people are walking around with fear of intimacy issues, they are scared to open up to people, you know a lot of people are saying that they have intimacy issues, so i wanted to figure out more, i looked it up on wikipedia and it said there were four types of people, normal people that love themselves and can share intimacy with others, people that think themselves unworthy of intimacy but seek it, people that are scared of being intimate with others out of fear of rejection, and people that have self worth but think others are undeserving of intimacy, i think the whole thing probably comes from parental stuff, that's always the freudian way of looking at things, its kind of a shame because i think people really do like laying in bed and talking comfortably with someone after a wild fuck, when i wrote the essay i didnt have intimacy issues, but i might now, i dont know, and even if i did i dont know what type of of person i am, i guess sometimes people do say some stupid things, and stupid things out of a naked person are the worst kind of stupid things, whatever its wikipedia, anyone could have written, just like the original science study it supposedly based on,

ok this all getting too gooey and it lost its sharp vibe, i think that we were on a roll, when we were on the coronavirus landing places part, but then i get too serious and stuff, i do still want to talk about books i like, you know like thats one of the favorite things english teachers like to do, they like to analyze all the references that an authour made to other books, normally its the bible or the odyssey or some other greek or roman classic, like ulysses was modeled after the odyssey, i remember the teacher always talked about that, ive never read the odyssey or the iliad, ive heard they are great books, but i try not to say it myself, i do say that homer was a great poet though, but i never read his stuff, i mean ive read the first line, but i dont know the whole story or anything, i guess we are all hypocrites at some point or another, i do know however that ulysses was in one of dantes circles of hell, because he was advisor to deceit, the deceit of having that big horse full of soldiers go into to troy, so he ended up in hell, talking about hell that was another book they loved to reference, the bible, the bible doesnt see things grey, they see it black or white, this morning i woke up at four in the morning, and i couldnt get back to bed, so i pulled to a random spot and started reading proverbs, they make it seem so simple, this is good, that is is bad, i wish it were that simple, it used to be that simple like that when i was little kid, maybe it still is but, i just refuse to see it that way

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nadiya-m · 3 years

Text

(Dont judge before reading the whole writing).

May 18th 2021

What is my worth?

Do some see me as human being or lower me to a level where they name me as their pet? Cat or dog? As if synchronized even?

Did I became someone's toy? Puppet? While not knowing anything about this? Because truly, I feel robotized.

Being watched 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. "They" even see me nude. And my own family gets so brainwashed and drugged I am afraid that they forget about me as being their own daughter. I see their minds vanishing away. As they put in other memories about me or who I should be. I see no other answer. I know them the best. And my youngest oldest brother is too scared to say a true thing. I can only see it in their eyes and he knows. So he barely looks at me, directly.

I am called the devil by the people who raised me. These people are my parents.

I am being called cat and dog by people who didnt raised me. These people are nothing to me.

When I eat I hear my, our, horror cat someone I dont want to put on a level to name him my ex but I do now, miauwing. I have to live now by force with our cat in my apartment. In order for safety i would during pregnancy sleep seperate. As I would otherwise get attacked and worse out of my sleep sometimes. I brought my cat to the vet because I was feeling sorry for my cat a bit as I was too poor to actually have a cat. That man convinced me that our cat didnt needed vaccins. Or when having a vlooienplaag in the house not any treatment needed. I would give my cat treatment. And so brought my cat to the vet. With almost no money. After breaking up it all became a hell. As if being punished. Still my cat is waiting for his owner to come. After our cat accomplished his job maybe. Do I want to know? I dont like being attacked in my face as it many times happend out of nowhere or when just opening the door of the toilet or so. Or when saying something rude to myself about the owner of our cat. Actually, the truth sounds rude to others when they cant stand it. I know someone truly can love when that person stands the truth and appreciates honesty.

I feel sorry for living creatures to be made as propety of those who dont know much about love. And look for those who learn and search for love as their target. Do they hate beauty? I sometimes question myself. In this case "they" are those who sended me a postcard before mothersday from my son with "from us" on it. Naming no ones name. No daddy to be named.

But "us". So I call them: they. As they are a group. I am afraid. Who do such things to many. And dont love in a natural way. Can I say that?

My son was showing on the photograph to be in a poor state. Malnutrition showing as he looks to be not growing properly when I look at this shoulders. Clothes he still can wear that I bought for him as newborn while he is born in October 27th 2020. 6plus months. And still newborn clothes? When I gave birth they gave me clothes as present for 6 months. I knew enough somewhere. Was I allowed to show care and love as mother? To be a mother myself? A parent? To give attention to our son? To someone else? What are we as humans without care, attention and so love in this way? No one wish to raise his child with hate. That will bring dictators to the world. I always knew.

So plan A didnt worked out that well.

Brainwash me and drug me in a way that I would become their pet.

Plan B is to make me homeless and mommy said I would become a whore in Amsterdam. A slut. Many times these month they almost accomplished to make me homeless. And made me "missing" from the radar while just being at home according to the police.

I have no phone. As I buy it and they hack it in a way that it isnt my phone anymore. They decide who I can reach out to. And take even over the chats with my parents. As they cant speak Dutch properly are close to none. They have access to my house. I live in Megen where I have to live with elderly people facing their last stage of life in a bejaardenhuis/verzorgingshuis. With a beautiful view. No, not the church but the clouds. Beautiful clouds I can daydream on. I see beauty everyday while I should see darkness. I am grateful for this gift that I still am able to see beauty.

Proudly I am African. Somali. I see myself as citizen of the world. As I dont know where I truly belong to. I feel a connection to the world. With Mother Nature. I care about Mother Nature as if almost a mother. And everything that lives I see as having feel too. Even if this isnt scientifically proven yet. What do we know? What do I know? Almost nothing. What is a good thing somewhere. Be curious enough to go after the real thing I would say. And the truth. To find out the meaning and worth of life and beauty. With no weird psychology. No racism. No hate. No underestimating of me, a lady. Now 25 years. Born on the last day of November in 1995. Oss, North-Brabant, The Netherlands.

I should be recylced they say.

"Please recycle!"

Hobbies such as photography, writing and sketching is been taken away from me. Animals dont show such human activity isnt?

I wonder when they are going to teach me how to miauw or woof while I am about to metaphorically make the next Mona Lisa or Vermeers Girl with the pearl. Well, I make pensketches. I paint with ink or pencil. It runs in my blood to paint but I never got lessons. To poor. I make abstracts with paint instead.

Somali people before war used to be free. And open minded. At least more than now.

As being robotized (only when near them) lady and citizen of the world, no dog, no cat, no monster, no ghost, no devil. But as Nadiya Mohado. Hi. To THE WORLD i got to know by watching documentary's. NatGeo and BBC. The list is endless. After reading their magazine I got from my dad in 2009 everything changed for me. I want to become a journalist and write. Discover the world. I get to see a whole different world meanwhile. Maybe that is needed in order to know more about what some hide for others. I feel like writing a whole book in one week to reflect on love and life. And modern slavery. Cause I am caughed as many others in this. And still I question about love and life. Waiting to see if true journalists still work as they should work. Hear both sides of the story. Instead of manipulated work as they are not live there. I watch and learn. And so I learn more about life. And love.

Many attemps I have witnessed. Torturements. I still love. Still believe. Still look for the real thing if we talk about love.

I have felt connections of beautiful souls I met during severe ilness. Doctors. They would save my life in secret behind my back or made deals with these people so I could live longer. We had by accident a thing going on. They were older. It never came to touch. I dont approach men. Gentlemans I wait for. But someone blocks their way and break their hearts and mine a bit. I get to hear what lies they have heard as they force me to still go there while I refuse to. These people find it funny or so to play with feel as they dont feel on our levels. I try to take distance as much as I can in order for safety as they have important jobs. If there were not any feelings involved I would go to court and make money on them. But I cant. Now. So I blame it on love somewhere as I know they still believe in these lies. Maybe its better. I dont want to cause more trouble. They need their focus, and I think its not for me to say how these things go. I am just 25. And patient for love. Mother Nature or I dont know what force made us almost fall in love. Almost.

- I wish to dance in the rain. Wash my sorrows away from yesterday. Make place for better days. And start the day with what I hope one day the love of my life saying goodmorning to me with warmth and touch only true lovers or soulmates are able to feel.

I feel a connection. For a long time now. Through these times I still havent give up on love.

I love now in silence. I am not in love but will wait. Patiently. Love in this could mean anything. Love romantically, and broadly to show care and be good for others.

- So, still patiently enough to wait.

Here I wait.

Nadiya M...

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feverhalo · 6 years

Text

Ok so. Big talky post about irl shit in all forms because why not & i feel bad leaving you all hanging so long on so much

Please dont r///ebl/////og and theres no pressure to read it or do anything in regards to this.

So. This covers like. So many topics. Grief and death and mental health being the biggest warnings for

Average news first. I still have my job and have been there officially for a year now! Pay rates are going up in my province, and thats a new solid reference should i need it any time soon. Theyre also beong really understanding and compromising(? Forgot theword i had originally) and letting me try new jobs/places to reduce stress

I found out yes, i am still allergic to peanut butter if the fact that i had really annoying stomach pain for h o u r s after eating a teeny tiny pb cookie is anything to go by. Didnt really pay attention to if i broke out on my sides or not because i was a little preoccupied with curling up tightly and feeling a little off the next day too. (I mean no duh what did i expect to happen but i mean. They smelled so good). Lesson learned.

Bad news

ive touched on but i dont think ever really said. Someone very very close to me passed in late summer and im still devistated and torn up and doing my denial/anger thing for the most part. Its. Not easy. But ive been going to see someone, admittedly its become a bit about everything when it was supposed to just be this, but i dont do death. When i was a kid and lost someone i shut down entirely and aside from angry outbursts and the occasional breakdown i tried my hardest to act like there was not and would never be a hole there. It didnt work well at all and im still affected by that person's passing too.

They were also one of the more supportive people in my life and i spent a lot of time reading and writing and creating in their company and its been hard.

And i know that im handling this a little better even though im still skipping out on things and blowing up and all the same sort of crap but i actually have a neutral space that wont feel marked or stained every day for processing and a neutral person to help.

And of course its not just grief im getting help with because its all kind of a tangled mess. But im also getting like. New insight on stuff and someone to talk to about whatever. And its making life quite a bit harder because im so used to blocking it out or locking myself away and letting things rush over and take over and run their course. Its been really hard to be creative because im incredibly self critical and having a lot more trouble focusing lately because of a lot of reasons.

Im stressed and overwhelmed a lot more easily and frequently right now. And i know im being distant even if it doesnt show. Im scared to kind of go along with this and open up and all that junk and now im being gently prodded to do so in short, honest (not just stuff i dont rly care about or stuff callously overshared to just pretend im being open) bursts its kind of freaking me out. But like. Itll all end up for something good i hope. Even though it feels awful right now and ive had stints of days or even a full week with supports on speed dial when i havent been able to calm down or shut off over thinking but thats- i mean i expect it. A lot is happening and ive known for years my coping strategies have been lacking.

Ive also been talking with this outside help and weve toyed with the idea of maybe i really do have add or at least my anxiety manifests similarly and its kind of a which came first- and this ties in to the next good part in a second- but i havent scheduled anything in my area for right now for those sorts of things but im still kind of getting new ideas from a different angle that might maybe help and if i dont then im learning things i still may be able to use. Either way its not a huge deal for the current moment and its a bit if trying to find compassion and acceptance for myself whether its thing a or b or neither but whatever

Good, great, best news!!

I have an in to starting the more physical process of transitioning. Like i have a day and a time and a start. Like really really really soon. Its going to be hard i know because im going to have to open up about things and will probably be told i have to wait until i can stablize a bit more- its been a lot happening in a short while. And i understand. I waited 2 years to hear from them, i waited a few years to reach out to them, and i unknowingly waited years to find new words that struck a chord and all that. So as long as its moving i can deal with the wait.

I have GOOD people (many i know and have known for years now who happen to work in an adjacent field, some who are new and yet to be met but have rly good references if that makes sense?) who are going to help me kind of navigate and understand and undo things i thought i learned that were honestly just veiled hate and scare tactic garbage. People who support me and dont push me past what i am comfortable with undergoing to "prove" anything (such as 'if you didnt do x right away youre lying/if you dont do y surgery first i wont believe you' kind of comments. I hope). Im looking into options and im so excited for it!!

Its going to involve a lot of talking about things and probably a lot i dont want to talk about just yet but its a great chance because it gets me officially connected and officially started and this place has more options than my town and more specialized crap that can detangle and work through all the connected things and it can all be lumped together as the same process and hopefully help financially that way- and time wise unbelieveably. Theres a very good chance ill be able to talk with someone there, and very likely that first appointment, who can help me understand why i work the way i do sometimes for whatever reason it is.

And im getting a lot of positivity and lessons like learning to give myself some slack where it matters and stuff like that. And that im not worthless or stained or going to rot other people- which is honestly uncomfortable for me to think because of how long ive thought the opposite. Like to think i may actually be pretty good like not pretend good and actually worth anything at all. Because i got stuck in bad thoughts since i was small.

Im also thinking on trying to go back to school because i have a lot i think about with nowhere to really put it and nothing to do which doesnt help me do the things i want to do. So maybe something like that would help because i like learning. I like the motions of it- writing and reading with intent to understand something new, the routine as much as i whined about it in highschool, the forced kind of proximity to people living apart from what i know entirely too so the world feels bigger in a tangible way. Thats on a back burner and waiting for sure! But the fact im thinking about it and happily thinking about it? I like that.

My life has been. Kind of a combination of bland as hell and busy if that makes sense. Ive had to sort of shut down outward productivity and cut down on things a bit because so much is going on, and im trying to do a lot as paced and as slowly as i can bear.

And even though im not Here here as much as i want to be and everything its just. Kind of time for this. And im so glad and happy that when i can be here i can see that people still like what ive done and theres always awesome content to see and yeah

Thanks for everything and checking in and i really really am looking forward to moving forward.

#fh irl #i may chicken out and dele te this in a bit

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