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i-am-adlocked · 6 years

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Got tagged by two people and since the questions are custom-made (lol) I guess, I’ll answer twenty-two instead of eleven LMAO. Love you both guys!

The rules are:

• Post the rules

• Answer the questions given to you by the tagger

• Write eleven questions of your own

• Tag eleven people

QUESTIONS FROM @equusgirl

1. If you could have lunch with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?

This is a tough one. I have many different aspects of myself—several masks. My joker-self would want to be with my friends because I never fail to make them laugh their pants off. My lonely-self would want my future spouse, whoever that person is, right now. My artist-self would want Vincent Van Gogh so I could do the Doctor Who thing where I would reassure him that he is amazing.

My desperate-self would want Bob Ross because I bet he’d inspire me the hell out. My sad-self would want to have lunch with my dead happy-self because I bet I’d slap the hell out of my face. My family-oriented-self would want my maternal grandfather I never got to meet because he doesn’t know me and it’s nice to have a family who would probably say that they’re proud of me. Estranged relatives are like that, I think lmao

OH and I would also want any psychologist, so I’d have free sessions to deal with my ADHD because I can never afford to have more sessions, and I’d finally get a prescription cos I need dem meds.

2. You’re stuck on an elevator with whoever is on your lock/home screen. Who is it?

If we’re talking about my phone, I guess I’m stuck on an elevator with the Eiffel Tower (lock screen) and Mona Lisa (home screen). If we’re talking about my computer, I guess I’m stuck on an elevator with Sherlock (lock screen) and Leo Valdez (home screen). Ho-ho-ho I will be in an elevator with self-loathing mask-wearing joking-but-dead-inside heroes. That will be fun.

3. Last TV show/movie you watched?

I rewatched the last episode of The Crown again after I binged-watched Riverdale and re-re-re-binged-watched The Good Place. Movie-wise, it was the Filipino film called “Ang Larawan”. It’s actually hard for me to watch films because it takes a lot of time for me to stay focused in one episode.

4. A cottage on the beach or a cabin in the mountains?

Cabin in the mountains. I hiss angrily at beaches because I tan so easily and I kid you not, I haven’t swum in a beach since 2009. In a country where lighter paler skin was more cherished, and being an insecure bullied 10-year-old. You’ll understand why. Nowadays, I guess the habit just stuck. ALSO CABIN IN THE MOUNTAINS HOW FREAKING COOL WOULD THAT BE... I’d be surrounded by trees, it would be cold there, I can sit by the fireplace, look out my window to view the beautiful forest and night sky, and just drink whiskey, read a book, and quietly whisper, “Bless.”

5. Last song you listened to?

If we’re not including Brooke Simpson’s performances (specifically, “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World”) in The Voice which I legit just binge-watched before opening Tumblr, it would be the Riverdale Cast’s cover of “Mad World.” I was shookt that I liked it.

6. Most recent obsession?

Video-editing. More-so than usual. I legit have anxieties when I’m not making a video. I should probably stop after finishing these videos I’m doing because I know it will hinder my studies (which I’m already failing at because of my worsening ADHD), and it’s already ruining my sleeping patterns and eating habits. It’s a toxic kind of obsession.

7. Last thing you googled?

“people find out harry potter is abused fic rec” shut up (if interested, click here)

8. Which city would you most like to visit?

(for the first time?) Athens. (again?) either Assisi or Rome or Paris. You can’t make me choose.

9. If you could bring one (1) fictional character to life, who would it be?

I’m having a hard time between Mary Watson (Sherlock) and River Song (Doctor Who) *sobs*

10. Favorite thing about yourself?

My... God, I don’t know, really. I don’t really like myself so how can I find a favorite thing about myself? My ability to brag for things I’m not even good at, I guess? False advertising of myself, I guess? HAHAHAHHA WAIT NO! My ability to make anything sad or depressing. Yes, I’m good at that. It’s not my favourite thing about me but out of all, that’s the only thing I think I’m really good at.

11. Ideal career?

Becoming a wife and mother. Some people give me odd looks for this but I really want to take care of people in ways I never experienced. I want to be there for some people—to feel needed and depended on—to be trusted, long-term.

Younger-me would be furious. She was aro-ace. As a person who grew up only relying on books as company, I thought I would grow up as the typical strong independent woman who is a CEO or is an actress, or a musical theatre performer... I used to want to be that...

But those dreams were based on what my family wanted. CEO because I grew up poor and being a CEO would make me financially stable which my parents wanted. Actress/Theatre Performer because my sister and I bonded through musical theatre, TV shows, and films, and we both love the arts (but I have to admit that she’s better than me with everything srsly im not kidding)...

But as just for myself? I really don’t see myself working for money, or working for the arts. I mean, obviously I want to work for money and for the arts, but... I want to work for people I care about—for a family I will finally not be scared enough to say “I love you” without fearing they would laugh in my face.

—oOo—

OKAY, NOW QUESTIONS FROM @musical-chick-13

1. If you could wake up and be magically good at something you’ve never done before (or have little experience doing), what would you want it to be?

The ability to quickly understand things I’m not interested in and explain them to people easily with how I understood them. I think that would help me a lot in my Law class now at uni. Seriously, I’m having troubles reading, and I always stutter in class because I’m not good at formal English.

My stupid brain needs time to process what I learned (which was written in English), explain it to myself (in Filipino), translate my explanation from Filipino to English, and focus enough to say those things out loud.

2. What is/are your favorite genre(s) of music?

I have an odd range: musical theatre, rock, indie, classical music, PIANO IS LIFE, ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT IS GOOD PIANO AT THE BEGINNING (usually starts with an A, idk why). Also, Lady Gaga and Beyonce. Hands down.

3. What was your first fandom?

Avatar: The Last Airbender. THE SERIES OKAY. A year after that was Harry Potter and Sherlock AT THE SAME TIME 2010 was a crazy year. Just like that, since I was eleven years old, I went down the road to fandom hell.

4. What is a play/musical/opera/etc. (basically any fictional work that’s not a book, movie, comic, or TV show) you like?

BOY YOU CAN’T MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN UGHGHGH ILL JUST PUT MY TOP SIX

Spring Awakening, Next to Normal, In the Heights. (I listen to the full album completely. The music is divine and the stories are beautiful. You got a story about sex, a story about mental illness, and a story about Hispanics). Spring Awakening’s and Next to Normal’s rock + violin music in a setting of 1800′s Germany and a typical family house, gets me on, ya know?

Sweeney Todd, Wicked, and Rent. (The typical classics I love, note that whenever Sweeney Todd’s Prologue and Wicked’s As Long as You’re Mine starts, I get orgasms just as much when the peak of Rent’s Goodbye Love goes). Great songs, seriously.

5. If you could get paid for doing a mundane task, what would you choose to get paid for?

Organising files.

6. What is a joke you really like?

My death.

7. If you had to have a job working under a fictional character, which character would you choose to be your boss and why?

Sherlock. He would know how to take care of me. He would know how to make me feel better. He has great work ethics, and he knows when to be harsh with his words and gentle, because he knows which people are deserving to be called idiots and those who are just insecure. Though I’ll probably annoy him because of how nervous I’d be but since “Faith Smith” I’d think he’d know how to deal with me, I guess.

8. What article of clothing is your favorite to wear (i.e., dresses, skirts, pants, suits, hats, jewelry, etc.)?

A gold necklace my grandmother gave to me because out of all my cousins (or our generation in our lineage), I’m the first one she gave an “inheritance” to because I happen to be her roommate. Considering that I am the dumbest in the family as well as the family freak, I consider this as my sole victory.

9. Do you consider yourself to be an optimist, a pessimist, or something else entirely?

A total pessimist. An optimist to those who are feeling pessimistic. In my head, there is nothing but hopelessness, despair, and utter misery and pain. But homie, you say shit like that to me? You tell me you are feeling those? Yo, imma throw my rainbows and sunshine up your ass, you are gonna vomit glitter and light, I swear to all deities out there.

I may claim to say that I’m like this because I’m the only one who should be pessimistic, like I’m some narcissistic the-world-revolves-around-me idiot because I don’t like being depicted as anything else but manipulative, cruel, and an arsehole. So please stop telling me I’m nice or that I’m a good person. It makes me feel weird. They’re like unnatural things to say to me.

10. Feelings on cats?

Tolerable. My sister loves them. My school has cats just chilling around. They love me idk why. I love dogs more so I’m surprised they let me in their pack.

11. Favorite soda (or beverage in general if you don’t like soda)?

ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW OF MY WILD ADDICTION TO COCA-COLA.

—oOo—

MY QUESTIONS:

1. Are you feeling okay right now?

2. What is the funniest thing you have ever first-hand witnessed/experienced in real life?

3. Who is/are the most important person/people in your life and why?

4. What is a memory that wouldn’t fail to make you smile like an idiot while you’re in public?

5. How did you come to your current obsession?

6. Why do you ship your OTP (either real-life or fiction)?

7. Let’s pretend speed and distance (lol basically velocity), and quality are the same, would you rather be in a plane or a ship in a storm where there are many lightnings and thunder involved in December?

8. What is the object that is most sentimental to you?

9. If you could be in any fictional world, which one would you explore, and will you or will you not interact with your favourite character? Why or why not?

10. What animal do you most relate to or you consider to be your spirit animal? Why or why not?

11. How do you define the word, “Happiness”?

Tags: @thank-you-for-being-with-me @sentimentalgenius @addignisherlock @randombiochemist @simpleanddestructivechemistry @its-sentimental-adlock @themissadventurer @sorrowsflower @throughtheparadox @theleftpill No pressure, guys! Also to anyone who wants to answer, too! I even tag those who tagged me.

#personal #tag thingies #i love dem tag thingies

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actuallyadhd · 7 years

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Hopefully supportive reply to the askers who need support

I have social anxiety so hum I didn’t want to reblog with advice is it okay to submit advice instead? Unless my advice is bad then please delete or something if you hum want.

“Anonymous’s Submission:

My bosses are getting on my case about my speed at work, and between my ADHD, medication that’s making me overheat, and various small physical ailments, I can’t actually meet the pace they want me to (I tried, and it made me sick). I’m in the process of looking for a new job, but I’m sorely tempted to quit this one even before I get another, better job, bc the stress is just awful. I don’t know how to make it clear to my bosses that I’m not as abled as I look :( ”

I am so sorry you are going through that. You are [not] defective for having small physical ailments and not being able to go super fast. You are doing the best you can and you are doing a good job! I am sorry your bosses cannot see that. If you decide to keep your job while looking for your other one, I recommend since it’s super stressful being belittled all the time do some things to soothe yourself maybe while your on break or at home. Maybe listen to your favourite songs, take bubble bathes and perhaps if you are not afraid of touch you could ask a friend or a social tie to message you or you could hug yourself and pat yourself on the back and say you did a good job today. You could also write yourself a letter or a small note to yourself everyday saying you did the best you can and maybe say some nice things to yourself to counter what your bosses are saying that you are doing the best you can to yourself. Unless you find talking to yourself or writing to yourself and hugging yourself is not for you. I do thin you deserve lots of self-care during this stressful job finding and still job doing while you are on the job. This belittling that you do not deserve because you are awesome, will pass or the stress of the new job and transition will pass. Until then when you are on break you deserve lots of pleasant comfy things or something. While we cannot always change people’s unappreciation of us or life’s daily stresses or some of them, that doesn’t mean we cannot appreciate ourselves or something.

“Anonymous’s Submission:

every time my being on medicine comes up in conversation, my mom ignores whatever the topic was and jumps to “do you really NEED all that stuff…? why don’t you stop taking it? i don’t think you really need it. what’s it doing for you anyways?” all i can do is avoid bringing it up- every little complaint about side affects/prices/different generics turns into her pressuring me to stop altogether.”

I am sorry your mom’s invalidating you. Perhaps you could send your mother links on the pills you are taking and how it benefits you and you could tell her while some people don’t need their pills, it helps you function. Does your mother have any developmental or mental disabilities? You could tell her that just because she doesn’t need pills to help her function doesn’t mean it’s not valid that you take your pills to function. Sending people links to things does not always seem to work for me. You could also tell her that you are glad she cares so much for you in your own way but you can make your own decisions and you know what’s best for you and that while she’s great at caring she’s not a doctor. Unless she is a doctor then you could tell her gently that she is not a physctirst and while she has- Where was I going with this? If you cannot change her mind at all, which is unfortunate, some of our loved ones can be stubborn- Perhaps you could take a deep breathe, maybe do some self-care activities before visiting her, maybe play your fav music in the background while she complains to you about you having to take your pills- not in your ears. I have done that once and my Uncle got mad at me- Or perhaps some comfy object or something squishy to squeeze or something- still interact with her, unless you don’t want to but you could use pleasant music and squeezing something to maybe make the conversations less unpleasant? Maybe? I am sorry if this isn’t good advice. Unfortunately my dad often belittles me for singing, laughing, being hyperactive and I cannot change him he’s very stubborn not that some people cannot change but unfortunately when my relatives or some of my relatives belittle me for my disabilities which is- though I guess it’s not quite the same since she’s belittling you for needing to take your meds? Where was.I going with this? You don’t deserve this unpleasantness of course but sometimes relatives will just stay being relatives or they won’t change so we have to cope with self-care and deep breathing and- I lost my train of thought sorry.

“adventureswithgracetopher’s Submission:

I need to get on my meds again, but I misplaced the card with my doctor’s number on it. I need to clean my room so I can find the card, but it’s hard to concentrate on cleaning without my meds.”

Would you be able to take the bus to the doctor’s office to get the phone number? I once tried to make an appointment or argued that my friend when we were at the doctor’s office when I was there with her for some reason, I don’t remember why, anyway I argued that she should be able to make the appointment right there and not have to call. But they disagreed with me. Would it be weird to go visit a drop in doctor’s office? Though would a new doctor you are only going to see once give you a prescription? And if you went to your regular doctor’s office by taking a bus or car would they give you the number or maybe an patient there? I think the reception might give it to you maybe.

If you cannot do all that are any friends or social ties or neighbours have any free time to help you clean your room and you could take them out for lunch, unless they want to do it for free and then maybe you will find it after hopefully one of those contacts could help you clean your room if they do. Sorry if this advice is bad.

“Anonymous’s Submission:

I feel like I’m losing interest in my relationship and it’s scaring me because I’m inlove but it’s slipping…”

Well there are always ways to fall in interest with someone again, don’t worry if you want to stay in the relationship there’s ways to fall in interest or in love with someone again. You could do new things together or maybe- maybe this is bad advice- I am sorry. I think I was trying to say is the relationship won’t nessarily end if you don’t want it too if you are losing interest, you still care about each other. Feelings can be intense sometimes and less intense other times, they won’t go away forever. You could do new things with friends if you want or- This might be bad advice. Sorry I lost track of what I was trying to say. The disinterest could pass though and increase again

“Anonymous’s Submission:

Only recently finding out all the symptoms to my Inattentive ADHD. I always thought certain things I did were just that. Things I did. Now, as an Adult, am I actually seeing these things for what they are. It’s surreal, but it brings certain things in perspective. It’s… freeing, in its own way, even if it scares me and makes me question certain things about myself. I’m glad I’m finally learning after 17~ years of only know it as the ‘I can’t pay attention’ illness.”

Knowledge about ourselves can be liberating, like when I learn more about my own adhd and things click in my head and know it’s not my fault my brain is wired that way and we are okay the way we are. I am glad you got this knowledge. What does it make you question about yourself? You don’t have to answer at all sorry for asking. It’s okay to not like having adhd sometimes. I have combined ADHD, and it can be difficult be inattentive and not finishing all my projects and hobbies and also start daydreaming when people are talking to me and then I feel bad. Hum what was I getting at? I think that it’s okay to doubt yourself or have questions or something.

notmyrealblogdonotfollow’s Submission:

I’ve had three meltdowns (bad ones, hyperventilating etc) in the last 24 hours!! There was a clear reason why the first one happened, but I’ve never had multiple in a row for the same problem??? Like I woke up this morning and almost immediately started hyperventilating, and that’s NEVER happened to me before. It’s so draining. I’m feeling better about the original problem now but I just don’t understand why this happened. I’ve had more upsetting problems, with more underlying stress, and only ever had one meltdown and then been ok the next day.“

Sometimes small things can seem really big in our brains and maybe our thoughts can blow things out of proportion. I have felt overwhelmed without realizing it. That can be draining I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It’s okay to be overwhelmed by something small, any kind of stress no matter how small, the ways it affects us is valid even if our reaction is really large. It’s okay. You deserve lots of comfy things and I hope those small upsetting things happen less. Your feelings are valid. It’s okay to have meltdowns multiple times though that stuff, or feeling overwhelmed can be scary. Sometimes even the littlest things can be overstimulating that’s okay, you aren’t week or anything.

I am sorry if any of this advice was bad or supportive comments. This got long sorry.

#submission #Actually ADHD #ADHD #Anon #Support Sunday

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cantstopthesignal2005 · 4 years

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Spinning

“The guy was supposed to be here already,” Tess complained to her roommate, Annie, whose jaw had been grinding for the past half hour. “Hey, Tess?” she replied, eyes low, affecting a vindictive scowl. “That’s about the third time you sang that song this hour. Let’s give it a rest, huh?” Annie felt a pride in keeping her agitation to herself in waiting for their guy, who, she icily reminded Tess, was named Jason. She was self-satisfied in being able to internalize her frustrations, something Tess was unsuccessful in doing. Tess clicked her teeth a few times, the resulting noise crawling beneath Annie’s skin, her blood simmering with a rage for Tess’s inane tics and neuroses. “What do we want to do?” Tess finally asked. “We call Jason,” Annie replied, rolling her eyes. Annie surmised that nine times out of ten, she would be the one in their relationship called upon to solve an issue they faced. Their dynamic had never been even, something Annie knew and accepted from it’s genesis. She had been advised by her mother to practice patience and lower expectations of others, that people would only repeatedly disappoint her otherwise. She knew from an early age that not everyone would be as poised, mature, and intelligent as she was. This was the burden she had to bear in life: to remain gracious in the face of ignorance and deficiency. Today, she was consumed with a dread that she and Tess would monstrously shred the other to pieces without the balm of cocaine or an approximate upper. Annie scrolled through her contacts, selecting “Tutor,” the name he was assigned to practice discretion. Half-expecting a dial tone, she was surprised to hear him mumble, “Hello?” after the first two rings. “Hey, Jason?” “This is he.” “It’s Annie. Annie Sutton.” “Yeah, no, I know who it is, I have your number saved,” he said through a yawn. “What’s up?” “I just need help with my math homework, I think we scheduled it for noon thirty, right?” “Oh, did we have a tutoring session scheduled?” “We did. Half past twelve. It’s one.” “Okay. Uh, I’m still in bed. I can be there at two the earliest. Same place?” “Uh, yeah . . .” “Great, I’ll see you at 2?” “I’ll be here.” Annie slid the phone into her pocket, and looked over to an Tess, expectant as ever, her eyes hungry and desperate “So?” Tess asked, twirling her hands, obnoxiously expectant as per usual. “Says he’ll maybe here at two.” “Maybe?!? Two?!?” she balked. “What the fuck, dude? No, no, call him back, we’re not waiting all day for him.” “What else are you doing today, Tess?” she barked. “It’s an hour. You aren’t doing anything anyway.” Annie was quick to point out Tess’s lack of productivity, which would usually make Tess heel during one of their arguments, which were increasing in regularity. Annie would bite her tongue about Tess’s vulgar privilege—she received garish amounts of money from her boyfriend—as it was relatively easy to pressure Tess into paying both halves of their rent. “Well,” Tess venomously snarled, “I could do lots of things.” “Like what?” “Study films. That’s a passion of mine. I’m thinking of getting into French New Wave . . .” Annie snapped her fingers and gasped. “We could get ecstasy from Flacko!” “Flacko’s a creep,” Tess shuddered. “He tried to get me to fuck for a bag. I told him no, and he got so fucking mad. He almost didn’t let me leave.” “That’s a no,” Annie muttered. “Denver? We used to score his ADHD meds, remember?” “My cousin? No. Don’t even ask.” Annie ran through the avenues they could go down to cop their salve, before sighing, “We need more options. We need to get out more. Jason’s fucking mad unreliable” They nodded and passively flipped through channels, Tess eventually landing on a film where, in an excruciatingly tight close-up, a young man held the face of a bloodied young woman, as she gagged, sputtering scarlet from her lips. Annie was unnerved and shifted her attention to the coffee table, which had been collecting several magazines and vinyl records, the latter wearing scars from Tess’s razor blade, cocaine residue accumulating in the cardboard. “Hey,” Tess said. “Uh, well, I was wondering . . . do you think we should think about . . . not doing this anymore? Maybe . . . maybe it’s time to stop this shit.” “It’s not bad,” Annie replied, shrugging her shoulders. “You know, it’s just . . . well, for me, it’s just a study aide.” “Annie, we’re spinning right now. We’d do a line every now and then. Then, we’d do it every other week. Now, we’re lucky if a gram can get us through a day. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t feeding my nose. I mean, you know . . . it’s just . . . we could do less of it.” “I don’t thnk . . . Tess . . . no, no, you’re right.” The theory that their habit had swelled inordinately would cross both of their minds in times of fleeting lucidity, though it had never been given a mouth. Rather than confront their steady motion towards self-destruction, they would bottle their spiraling aggression, spending hours awake in bed trying to will their hearts to beat slower, stumbling upon juvenile, half-profound epiphanies. The rambling discussions where many words were employed but nothing was said. What once was so helpful in propelling them toward great heights of productivity and alertness had expended all usefulness, fracturing their spirit and motivation. The music Annie produced on her laptop had, of late, declined in quality, only collages of discordant music that collided into an unpleasant mess. “Okay, well,” Tess began, licking her lips, “I have to say . . . I must say, I think we’re doing the right thing in admitting this to ourselves and to each other. Like, we’re on the precipice of developing a problem. It’s not getting to that point, but it is something we should address before it has a chance to worsen.” “Right,” Annie agreed, rather frantically. “Okay, so what do we want to do? What should we do? To prevent it becoming an issue?” “What we should do is, we should call Jason. We should call Jason and tell him not to come.” Annie shook her head. “We shouldn’t? Why not?” “If we quit cold turkey like that . . . I heard that it would be worse. You know? We should have . . . we should have a gradual decline.” Annie picked up a memo pad she kept on the wooden end table nestled next to the couch, jotting down their planned intake. Tess paced the apartment, finding that it lubricated her mind, snapping to fire up her synapses. They concluded that nine-tenths of a gram should suffice as the initial weening period; once a week had passed with the new dose, they would convene and discuss moving forward. “And we’d have more money to do shit,” Tess realized aloud. “It’s a fucking money suck, Annie. It’s so fucking bad. We could have gotten like, new shoes or at least . . . at least try to improve our quality of life. They say it makes you paranoid and that it, you know, destroys you. And they’re right. That’s what it is, it’s just . . . it’s just a destructive powder.” “You could go do that film program, right? You could, if you wanted to. You could make great content. I really think you could. You’re so fucking creative. Like Wes Anderson? You could totally be the next Wes Anderson.” “Yeah. Thanks so much for saying that. I’ll totally do it. Can you push me if you see I’m making excuses? Cause I—I do that. I get complacent. I fall out of routines, I’m so bad at it. But if someone keeps me focused, I can really get it done. I just need someone to help me take it to the finish line, I’m terrible with follow through.” “Yeah, sure. I’ll push you.” There was a pregnant pause between the two before Tess turned the television back on. Tess and Annie passively watched a documentary on feral cats, Annie peering over to her phone to check her messages. Tess became uncertain of Annie’s commitment to quitting, though she kept this to herself. Annie tapped her fingers against her legs, anxious in wait of Jason’s arrival. Aware her antsy behavior was likely annoying Tess, she excused herself to take a shower, where she felt the crash of it all. Her body became sluggish, dark thoughts began to arise as the water hit her skin. This was her life. These were her habits, this was her social circle, this was her spartan existence. She wondered aloud how she arrived here and what choices she could have made to avoid having to careen down this path. As she left the room her boyfriend’s gray university shirt and plaid boxers, a towel wrapped around her head, she saw Jason unloading his backpack of wares onto the table, Tess hungrily scanning the items. “You’re late,” Annie said, rolling her eyes. “This can’t happen again, or we aren’t copping from you in the future.” “Yeah, okay?” he said, scoffing dismissively. “Sorry to offend, Ms. Lady.” “Tess, why are we letting him sell in our living room?” “You’re not making the deal in the hallway, Annie,” he told her, scowling with resentment. “Let’s get it moving, time is money.” “Oh, you must fucking hate money,” Tess snapped, crossing her arms. “Given how fucking late you are. How you’re just acting an ass with your customers?” “What’s the deal? What am I here to give ya’ll?” “Four grams,” Annie said, with an assured finality. “Four grams. Tess has the scale, we’re gonna pay you for it, and honestly, don’t ever fucking come back here again.” “Wowwwwww!” Jason feigned offense, though outside opinion had never bothered him. Tess carefully carried out the deal, only handing Jason the bill after rubbing a bit of coke against her teeth, feeling the familiar, tingling sensation that she knew so well. Jason packed up his goods and departed, muttering “Fiends” ostensibly under his breath, though he made certain that his slight was heard. They divvied up the bags and cut them into lines, their moods lifted from a hellish despondency into an affable cheerfulness. Their energy morphed from a muted contention to an ebullience that felt oddly foreign. They began to join one another in jotting down goals, setting forth plans to achieve them, wholly engaging for the first time in over a week. “. . . and I can get involved with the coffee shop, you know? You know the one I’m talking about? Allison’s place? And I can do some work there, meet some people there. Network. That’s a dirty word, it feels like, but I think it’s important.” She paused, her eyes departing. “Fuck! Is it me, or is this shit really potent?” “It’s pretty good,” Annie assured her. “Do you think it’s because we’re quitting that it feels so fucking good? Like, because we soon enough won’t be able to do it?” “I’m sure that has something to do with it,” Annie muttered, shrugging. “So, you’re feeling this? What I’m feeling? You’re riding on this wave?” “I think so.” “I’m so happy to have you in my life.” “Me too. You know, when I’m talking rough to you, it’s only because I want to make sure you reach your potential. Do everything you want to do, everything you’re capable of.” “No, totally! What? You don’t ever have to apologize! Not to me. You’re like my sister, you’re family to me, you’re in my coven. I want you . . . I NEED you to push me. Cause I won’t push myself. I’m not . . . not self-motivated, I’m not disciplined. And you really are! You are, and I love that about you. That you’re indefatigable. You’ve got this tick-tick-tick-ticking engine inside you. It’s so fucking impressive.” The doorbell rang and Annie whipped her head to the door, slowly approaching as Tess felt a shiver travel down her spine, her hearts tempo ramping up. Annie saw an image of her little brother warped from the glass of the peephole. “Tess, it’s just Neil!” she yelled. Tess sighed and reclined as Annie opened the door. Neil’s tall, lanky frame slowly ambled towards Tess, offering her a handshake, his smile twisted and off-putting. “What’s going on, baby brother?” Annie asked. “Not much. Just grabbing my shit from when I crashed.” Annie forgot entirely that they had a fractious spat which led to her little brother getting booted from the apartment. “How are you, Neil?” Tess asked, sotto voce. “Uh, good? You?” “Well, I won’t lie to you. You know, I’m under the influence of something right now. But I’m very authentic as a result, I’m open. It tears off walls of communication and empathy that I usually have.” “What the fuck?” Neil asked, looking away. “Annie, where’s my shit?” “Don’t tell dad,” Annie warned. “I know you like to fucking tattle.” “I don’t talk to dad,” he coolly informed her. “I’m staying with Alejandro, since you guys decided you didn’t want me here anymore.” “You should have seen him when he was young, Tess.” “I did know him when he was younger,” Tess reminded her. “Like YOUNG young. He would keep telling on me and my friends cause we didn’t let him hang out . . .” Neil spotted the bag he purchased from the library, stuffed with his copious stack of movies and books. He silently walked away and slammed the door to emphasize his exit. Annie looked over to Tess, whose gaze was captured by the pattern of arrows and angles woven into their carpet. “We should put on some music. What’s a good song?” “What are we in the mood for?” “Soft. Soothing. Nothing aggressive.” Annie anxiously thrummed her fingers against the coffee table, before gasping, “Don’t Worry Baby. It’s by The Beach Boys.” “By whom?” “The Beach Boys. The song is called . . . Don’t Worry Baby.” “Okay, we’ll play that now.” “Maybe . . .” Annie began, hesitation punctuating her words. “Maybe we shouldn’t play it.” “No, no, no! No, no! No. You know, we chose your song, that’s the song that should be played.” As the song played, they felt their eggshell fragile minds being jarred, oscillating between extreme happiness and melancholy. Emotions erratically came and left, leaving them overwhelmed. With a need to numb themselves entirely, they mindlessly reached into their pockets and emptied the bags onto the coffee table, silently breaking their pact. The coke drip burned the back of their throats, giving way to a familiar, loving high. Tomorrow would grant them the moment of clarity necessary to kick, the drive to stick with it. Tomorrow, they pledged.

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