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dumbhypmicheadcanons · 2 years ago
the truth of when hypmic takes place: part two
Now that I have argued my point, it is time to actually use this information. Let’s start with birth years for everyone. This is, of course, assuming that the HypMic universe is currently at the date of 7/7/27, because this theory (and everything else tbh) revolves around Dice and Dice’s birthday. So, without further ado…
Jakurai: January 9th, 1992
Doppo: May 15th, 1998
Jyuto: May 30th, 1998
Hifumi: June 22nd,1998
Rio: June 21st, 1999
Samatoki: November 11th, 2001
Ramuda: February 14th, 2003
Gentaro: April 1st, 2003
Dice: July 7th, 2007
Ichiro: July 26th, 2007
Jiro: February 6th, 2010
Saburo: December 16th, 2012
These dates could easily be moved around if you change up which day we’re going by, for example, if we changed it to be December 31st, many of these characters would have been born a year later. These are simply estimates, but they are close enough for them to be useful.
So, with this information, let me tell tell you a thing. Jakurai? A millennial, through and through. He’s also a real 90’s kid. Jyuto, Doppo, Hifumi, and Rio are all fake 90’s kids that no one respects because they can’t remember shit about the 90’s. They, and potentially Samatoki, Ramuda, and Gentaro, all grew up thinking they were millennials but then people started calling them Gen Z and no one is quite sure which they are because they’re in that middle ground. The rest? Gen Z. They’re all constantly joking about how they want to die and playing Fortnite. Also, Saburo was born only days before everyone thought the world was going to end. This means there is a possibility that the bros are orphans because their parents drank like it was the end of the world because they thought it genuinely was and then they died.
I am aware that Japan almost definitely doesn’t have the same generational structure as the west, and I have been told that all of the characters were born in the Heisei era, but I have no clue what that means and I’m pretty sure Japanese people don’t stereotype people based on which emperor was ruling when they were born??? Eh maybe they do. I’m not an expert. However, we’re not here today to learn the good info and make accurate posts, we’re here for me to project myself onto these characters. So now, using these dates, lets analyze the childhoods of everything… through my American eyes.
Jakurai is a 90′s kid, which means he grew up in the prime era of moon shoes, tamagotchi, furbies, and of course, the gameboy. Jakurai played the original Pokemon games because he was Cultured like that.
Doppo, having no friends, absolutely started playing Pokemon when he was old enough to know how to press buttons. He probably really wanted to play Gold and Silver, but they came out before he knew how to read and his parents didn’t want to buy him some random video game. As soon as Ruby and Sapphire were released, however, he cried for days until his parents finally gave up and got him a copy of Sapphire. He played the fucking shit out of it, his first starter was a Mudkip and he adored it. When he and Hifumi met, he was appalled that Hifumi had never played Pokemon before and practically forced Hifumi to get a copy of Ruby so they could trade and battle each other. Doppo was such a hardo, he had a perfectly balanced team that could overcome pretty much any type weakness and he leveled up all of his Pokemon and tried to teach them really good moves. Hifumi literally just caught any cute looking Pokemon and didn’t train them at all. He never beat the Elite Four. His starter was a Torchic but as soon as it evolved into a Combusken he started crying because his adorable fire-chicken turned into a weird fighting penis-chicken but he still loved it and tried his best. Hifumi’s favorite part of the game was contests. They continued playing Pokemon for years and they still play it even in 2027, they will always buy the latest game no matter how old they get. Hifumi still sucks at it but Doppo doesn’t mind. They bought the game for Jakurai and got him to play it and he is so confused because like??? Horde battles? Mega-evolution?? What the fuck is this new shit he hasn’t picked up a game since Platinum??? And yet even without knowing what the fuck he’s doing, Jakurai is still better at the game than both of his other teammates and they don’t understand how he’s managed to perfectly EV train his team when he has never heard of EVs before.
Gentaro and Ramuda were around 7 when Silly Bandz got big. We all know that Ramuda fuckin loved those things. He was the kid who made his parents buy all of the newest designs, he would always make unfair trades with other kids like “I’ll give you my tiger if you give me your penguin, dolphin, and princess.” Ramuda was also the kid who had so, so many of them and he would wear all of them at the same time so he always had to be sent to the nurse for potentially cutting off circulation to his hands because he had Silly Bandz, in rainbow order because he was good at art class, from his wrists up to his shoulders. Ramuda got them banned from his school and every one in a 20-mile radius.
Now, let’s look at how old these characters all are today, this very day, April 22nd, 2019 (in my timezone). This is accounting for birthdays that have already happened, but if you are seeing this post at a much later date it will probably be wrong. It also will need to be adjusted if you don’t believe the Hypmic universe revolves around Dice like I do. However, the ages are close enough for shitposting purposes.
Jakurai: 27
Doppo, Jyuto, Hifumi: 20
Rio: 19
Samatoki: 17
Ramuda, Gentaro: 16
Dice, Ichiro: 11
Jiro: 9
Saburo: 6
What does this mean? Well, it means a lot of things.
Jiro is playing Fortnite at this very moment, yelling Russian slurs at random-ass people. Several other characters could also be playing Fortnite, like Dice, but Jiro is that fuckin kid that keeps beating the shit out of you and spending all of his brother’s money on v-bucks. Saburo is just a little boy, probably dealing with Jiro playing Fortnite at every opportunity. I don’t know what six-year-olds do with their time in this day and age but if I had to guess from the ones who constantly yell at each other in my vicinity, it would probably be roasting each other and playing Fortnite so… I guess Saburo is roasting Jiro over Fortnite?
The 29-year-olds are currently 20 which means they are adults in Japan and can get drunk off their asses legally! It also means they’re probably in college and their bloodstreams have been replaced with vodka and ecstasy. Jyuto does not have ecstasy in his system because he wants people to stop being drug addicts but he does keep going to parties and offering to be a stripper as long as he gets paid.
Samatoki is running a hardcore feminist Tumblr blog right now. Some people think it’s creepy that a 17 year old boy is reblogging posts that say something along the lines of “All men should fucking die they’re all scum” but he’s just being respectful. 
Gentaro? He’s writing fanfiction now. That really nicely written rarepair slowburn with a bunch of poetic smut in the later chapters? Gentaro wrote that. He’s got some drafts for an original story he wants to write but he keeps putting it off and writing fanfiction instead. 
There’s definitely other shit that I’m forgetting but these are my interpretations of Hypmic life that I can remember. Feel free to fight me or add your own interpretations, whichever makes you happier.
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m0uthbr3ather · 8 years ago
in other news i danced with this really hot guy and he tried putting my hand down his pants which was weird and like i took my hand out asap but wow his dick was huge A+ wiener im gettin in on that shit at a different time for sure wow what a hottie
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