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Episode 1: Hello Witherburn

Witherburn

A little town tucked between the mountains and the swamps. It’s a town full of unsung heroes and dastardly villains. It has its surprises and its secrets. But luckily I’m here to unveil them all. Welcome listeners to the new home of Witherburn After School News.

I’m The Reporter and I hope you liked that little intro there. I figured I should zhuzh it up since we are radio news now.

And this leads me to our first announcement. As some of you may know, the paper version was discontinued because a certain local officer and principal duo kept destroying the pamphlets. Luckily, your knowledgeable host figured out a way to broadcast a radio version of our program. Maybe now our little program will reach people outside of Witherburn as well. Though I’m not sure people will find our town that interesting.

With that introduction out of the way, here’s an overview of our program. The top stories today are about Scarlett Johnson’s campaign for prom queen despite it being August, the rumors that the Clark Family are trying to buy Farrow Bait and Tackle, the lastest information about the string of missing girls, and what exactly Mr. Pickler was shouting in the Spanish Moss Diner yesterday afternoon. All of that and more, coming up on Witherburn After School News.

Let’s start off simple with our first story. Scarlett Johnson is already campaigning for prom queen despite it only being a week into the school year. She’s running with her boyfriend football star, Bo Stoker, who seems to be supportive of his girlfriend’s efforts, but a little birdie told me he wasn’t quite as excited as she was. He was overheard talking to the other football boys in the hall saying, and I quote, “I mean she can do whatever she wants but I don’t want her to drag me into this. Prom king just isn’t really my style, you know?” Uh oh. Looks like there’s trouble in Paradise.

To add to this already ludicrous campaign, her posters are making wild claims such as: “If she’s prom queen, she’ll make the yearly bonfire ten times cooler.” And “Ban homework on senior skip day.”

Is.. Is she even allowed to make those claims? Like, we all know she can’t actually do those things, right? Though it’s a little early to tell, Scarlett will probably have some competition later on in the year with Tina Young, captain of the tennis team. In fact, I’ve been informed Tina’s friends are encouraging her to announce her prom queen campaign as well. In order to cambatant Scarlett’s early efforts. See, Tina doesn’t have the lifelong passion to win like Scarlett, but she possibly has the numbers. Okay, I have to be honest, listeners, I think that prom queen is a title that’s hyped up just a little bit too much. No one cares that you were prom queen after high school and making this serious deal out of campaigning just takes the fun out of it, you know? Maybe I just don’t get it.. I’ve never been that into school events anyways, so what do I know?

Oh! Actually that reminds me of one thing I do know, and that’s the fact that Mr. Smith lost his cat, Butters, earlier in the week. So if you happen to see a black cat with what looks like white socks on his feet, then try your best to call the cat over. And if you manage to do that, please tell me your secrets on how you got a cat to listen to you. If you manage to get a hold of Butters then please return him to the blue house on Pine Falls Drive.

It’s official. The Clarks are trying to buy up yet another local business. Yes the rumors are true. The Clarks are trying to buy up Farrow’s Bait and Tackle. So the old ladies that congregate on Mrs. Newbury’s porch were right. Yet again. But to be fair, what other reason do the Clarks have for going into the tackle shop three times in one week. I certainly know it wasn’t to buy fishing gear. Mr. Farrow confirmed the Clarks are trying to buy his store earlier today when he was questioned by some of his usual customers. According to him, the Clarks were willing to pay him up to a quarter of a million dollars for his store. Which, man, really shows you how much money these people have. But he says he will not let the Clarks buy yet another family business. I think that’s wonderful. Honestly I’m very glad someone is standing up to the Clarks and who is better than Mr. Farrow himself? His family has run that shop for three generations and almost everyone in town in his local customer so I think he will have no problems fending off the Clarks. In fact I would like to suggest that we as a town come together and make some purchases from his store as a show of support. Instead of ordering that new fishing rod online, get it from Mr. Farrow. Go get that lure you’ve been eying. Maybe even get some bait and take your family out on a fishing trip. Go support the tackle shop because I know I will.

Speaking of the Clarks, did you know that they’re a major reason that we had to stop our paper version? Many of our long time readers will know that we never spoke too kindly about the Clark Family. Especially since they keep trying to buy every small business in town and because their son keeps harassing people and getting off scot-free, but that’s a story for another day. A certain Brenda Clark didn’t like what we wrote. She’s a vicious PTA president and she, of course, has Sheriff Sinanger in her back pocket. Since we mostly distribute our paper at school and the local library, well, let’s just say it didn’t take long for our copies to be taken down.

People like her are why I have to report in secret. Who knows what she’d do if she found out who runs this thing? I mean I know some people call the after school news a “gossip column” and that’s why people think I hide my identity but I’m reporting actual news stories. I may not talk about stories that would make it onto the local tv station, but it’s news that still matters to people and it’s news that affects us and- oh who am I kidding? I’m probably preaching to the choir if you’re still listening to this.

Before we move on to our next story I do have an announcement to make. The local library is once again hosting its annual back to school read-a-thon for children kindergarten through 6th grade. This years book recommendations from the library are Wishing on the Well by Elaine Letters, Can It Wait? by Oswell Morrison, Easy Peasy by Taira Oakland, What If I Was A Princess by Isabelle Turner, Hungry Dragonfly by Ethan Randall, and Brand New Kid by Unique Ryan Newton. These are just suggestions though and kids can check out any books they want. The children that have read the most books by the end of the month get a special prize and I may or may not have heard from the librarian that it’s a pizza party. Happy back-to-school times for all those kids out there and good luck at your read-a-thon.

A few of you will be very excited to know that I have decided to bring back an old favorite from our paper edition. It’s the monster of the week segment, brought to you by Mr. Pickler. The segment where we try to find the exact type of monster Mr. Pickler claims to have seen. Yesterday he was screaming in the Spanish Moss Dinner and no one could quite understand what he was saying, but a little birdie recorded the encounter and sent it to me. Take a look at this.

“There was an ape in that swamp! I’m tellin’ y’all! I could smell it from a mile away! It smelled like.. like rotten moss and death! While I was out there I just knew something was watchin’ me, but I couldn’t be sure until I saw him, up in the trees! I went right up under him in my boat and let me tell y’all, I was shakin’! And then, when I was right there close enough he could’ve grabbed me, he let out this giant roar that would’ve scared the devil! And then, he just swung away. He must’ve jumped at least twenty feet! I’m tellin’ y’all! You gotta believe me! I saw something out there!”

“Mr. Pickler, you’re scaring the guests. Let’s get you home.”

“They need to know! Don’t go in that swamp!”

Isn’t that interesting? After a bit of research, I have come to the conclusion the creature Mr. Pickler is describing is the skunk ape. A scary run-in, indeed. It is a creature of southern folklore that is native to Alabama, Georgia, and most notably, Florida. It’s official sightings have only dated back to the 1960’s, though rumors and folktales about similar creatures go back as far as the 1800’s. The skunk ape is a bigfoot like swamp monster that, true to its name, has a rather foul smell. It’s known to roam around in the swamp muck and on occasion will swing from the trees. It’s described as being seven feet tall with long shaggy hair that is brown or black and some reports say that moss will grow on its fur. They’re also known to have red glowing eyes that can be seen through the dark tree lines. Though myths vary, the skunk apes have been known to stalk fisherman, such as Mr. Pickler, and raid food storages, though there aren’t many reports of them actually attacking. Luckily for us, and Mr. Pickler, the national park service says that this creature… is a complete hoax. The most likely explanation is that Mr. Pickler saw a black bear up in the trees and that smell was methane being released by the swamp. Though, who knows? Maybe there is a skunk ape out there. I would like to thank Mr. Pickler for bringing us today’s segment of Monster of the Week. If you want me to talk about a monster then all you gotta do is tell everyone in the Spanish Moss Diner that “you saw something in that swamp”. Alternatively, screaming about what you saw in the convenient store parking lot will also work.

Now listeners, I hate to stop the lighthearted segments here, but our main story is much more serious. I am sure you’ve all been keeping up with the missing girls. So far the missing are:

Christie Lamar, 14 years old, white, 5’6 with short brown hair, last seen wearing a green hoodie and ripped jeans

Aria Sanders, 16 years old, black, 5’3 with braids, last seen in a blue sundress

and April Calloway, 15 years old, white, 5’7 with curly black hair, last seen in her horse riding uniform.

All of these girls went missing these last four months and if you have any information on them, then please don’t hesitate to call the authorities.

Though today’s story is specifically about April Calloway, the latest of the missing girls, who’s been gone for a little over a month now and authorities are losing hope of finding her. Margaret Calloway, April’s mother, has been seen all around town handing out and hanging up missing persons flyers. Ms. Calloway has made numerous claims about the police department not doing enough in the search for her daughter or any of the missing girls. This is what Sheriff Sinanger had to say about it:

“We understand that these are hard times for many people in our community, but I promise y’all that we are doin’ our best to find these girls and that it is the number one priority of the police department. Ms. Calloway has every right to be anxious about her daughter bein’ missin’ but these claims that we aren’t doin’ enough are simply false. Many in the department have spent sleepless nights going over the evidence and we are followin’ numerous leads while we try to figure out what’s happened to each of these girls. To be brutally honest, claims like these actually slow down the investigative process.”

The sheriff also made statements about how it seems likely that these were simply copycat runaways.

“Often when one teen does something, like run away, they’ll send messages to friends to make it seem like it’s an attractive and exciting thing to do. This can lead to a string of copycat runaways and that is what happened to all those girls. There is no evidence of foul play. But just because they are runaways doesn’t mean we’re gonna take their cases any less seriously.”

Ms. Calloway has said numerous times that she doesn’t believe her daughter ran away. According to her, April told her everything and never said anything that would make her think she wanted to run away. She also stated how her daughter barely knew the other missing girls so this idea that they were texting April’s trying to convince her to run away doesn’t make any sense to her. She made a statement on Facebook about how she wasn’t trying to slow down the investigation, but she just wanted her daughter back. A couple of the other families have said they are sympathetic towards Ms. Calloway but they made no comments on the investigation. Now Ms. Calloway is facing backlash over these comments with someone even going as far as to egg her house. Now, listeners, I assume you all understand what’s wrong with this. Why are you judging a mother that simply wants to find her child? Even if you don’t agree with her statements, I would hope this town had enough sympathy not to destroy her house. But apparently I’m wrong.

Even after the backlash, Ms. Calloway is not backing down from her statements and is doing everything she can to find her daughter even if it means doing it on her own. If this story has inspired you to help, then I will gladly direct you to Maisie, owner of the Bog Monster Bar, who has set up a donation fund to help families of the missing. She’s also set up a meal delivery signup for families as well if that’s more your style.

I’m gonna wrap it up here Witherburn. I know it’s a sad note to leave us on, But I simply don’t have any more news for you. If you take anything away from this, I hope it’s that we as a town should be coming together, not falling apart. Thank you all for listening to the first episode of After School News and don’t forget to tune in next week. I’m The Reporter, signing off.

Witherburn After School News is written and directed by Jordan Oliver. It is edited by Francis Hughes. The Reporter is played by Jordan Oliver. Sheriff Sinanger is played by James Dunn. And Mr. Pickler is played by Will Carter. The wonderful title song is made by Future Me. We hope you enjoyed this episode and we hope you join us next time.

#witherburn after school news #wbasn #podcast #podcast transcript #episode one #mystery #fictional podcast #Bigfoot #skunk ape #witherburn

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magentagalaxies · 6 months

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hi @liliana-von-k, thanks for the follow! i have answered this question before but i love talking about kids in the hall and my "origin story" with them so i'm happy to tell it again (jsyk it will be a long post bc i always have to tell the full story bc i love it so much)

basically my parents have both been kith fans since the 90s, so even before i had seen any of the show itself there were certain kith quotes that were just part of my family's vocabulary. the first sketch i watched was "these are the daves i know" when i was like 8 years old and i became obsessed with that song. i watched a few other sketches/the first few episodes from season one but i didn't truly get into kith until after their documentary "comedy punks" was released

see, my mom is a big documentary person so she was like "oh hey there's a new kids in the hall documentary! do you want to watch it?" and i just kind of shrugged and was like sure i'll be in the room while it's on, probably working on my own stuff or scrolling on my phone. but like not even five minutes in i was hooked. while i'd always enjoyed kids in the hall's comedy, something about hearing the very personal histories of how the troupe came together and survived for all these years was so affecting. i think it was scott specifically that really signaled to me that this show was something special, and the part where bruce talked about comforting scott while he had cancer by telling him how the rest of the troupe would die first was so powerful. honestly no individual movie has changed my life more than comedy punks did specifically bc it gave me that push to get into kith and approached it from such a human perspective, which definitely informed my approach to the rest of their work and them as people. i remember watching comedy punks for the first time and getting this strange feeling i couldn't pin down yet that was like this is important, not just referring to the show or the troupe, but like this feeling that i had just crossed a turning point in my life, and i remember feeling this pull towards toronto which seemed frivolous at the time but has been so heavily solidified as i'm now planning to move there in just over a year.

so i bingewatched all of the kids in the hall tv show in summer 2022, as well as brain candy, death comes to town, the amazon season, etc. basically as much kith stuff as i could find. but i needed more. so i started getting into side projects, which brought me to "mouth congress" (a queer-punk band scott thompson and paul bellini had in the early 80s that they've recently started putting out new music with again). i found a youtube channel with a bunch of recent live performance clips of the band and each video had like less than 10 views. so since i didn't have anyone to infodump about kith with irl (aside from my very patient mother lol) i started commenting on every video, complimenting the performances and pretending i was talking to a friend, confident no one would actually see it

after 2 weeks of this, turns out someone did see it. PAUL BELLINI HIMSELF. this led to a whole back-and-forth which eventually ended up with him emailing me a copy of the unreleased mouth congress documentary, i emailed back asking if he'd be interested in meeting on zoom (since i am a queer comedy writer myself so both he and scott are my biggest comedy inspirations), and yeah bellini is a delightful person to talk to and we very quickly became friends. i ended up offering to run mouth congress's social media, which can be found on both tumblr and instagram as @mouthcongress and posts both vintage videos from the 80s/90s and recent live clips. they're currently working on an album of entirely new material written in the past 2 years which is going to be released soon (we don't have a specific release date but the recording is completed and they've started filming music videos for it!! but i'm getting ahead of myself lmao)

a few months pass and mouth congress is set to perform at a new year's eve show at a local club in toronto. i'd never been to toronto before, never even left the united states, but paul says it would be so great to have me there and by some miracle my parents say yes to making the trip (they still can't believe this is happening either, since they were kith fans first!). the trip is wonderful, i immediately fall in love with the city, i get lunch with paul irl for the first time and get to have my very first face-to-face conversation with my number one comedy inspiration scott thompson. it's honestly a little awkward but in an adorable funny way. i also have my first legal drink at that show (bc canadian drinking age is lower than the us), specifically saying i want to have my first drink with buddy cole, which both scott and paul are very into

it's actually only a couple weeks until i'm in toronto again, because scott is debuting a new buddy cole show consisting of monologues that were all censored by amazon that he pitched during the revival season. this is my first time traveling a long distance without my family which my mom is anxious about so paul bellini lets me have him as my emergency contact. the show is amazing, i get to stay for the afterparty, and while i'm there i casually mention that i'm surprised no one has made a buddy cole documentary yet. like, this character has such a rich history even beyond the kids in the hall (which i can infodump about all day lmao) and is such an important staple of queer comedy that doesn't get the attention he deserves. the kith documentary is great, but where's my buddy cole documentary? paul accepts my pitch (that i didn't even realize i was pitching), passes along the idea to scott, and yeah now i'm legit directing a film with my number one comedy heroes and i haven't even graduated college yet. what the fuck. i expected this to be the type of thing i accomplish over 20 years into my career, not at twenty!! so yeah that's how the buddy cole documentary started. i'm still in preproduction on it but we're launching an indiegogo crowdfunding campaign for it in the next 2 weeks bc this has evolved into a full feature-length film with some incredible celebrity interviewees, both kith and otherwise.

anyway a few months later it's announced bruce mcculloch is bringing his one-man-show to the city i go to school in. not only that, but his theater is literally 2 blocks from campus. i ask paul if he'd give me bruce's contact so i can set up an interview for my school's newspaper, paul gives me bruce's assistant's email, and i set up a 30-minute zoom two weeks before bruce will be in town. the conversation honestly goes bizarrely well. like it's honestly surreal how close bruce and i got after only knowing each other for a half hour? he's such an easy person to talk to and literally by the end of that conversation he was already calling himself my mentor, asking about my comedy, and offering to let me meet him backstage after his show. which is exactly what i did, launching yet another incredible friendship-slash-mentorship with one of the kids in the hall.

bruce eventually signed on to executive produce the buddy cole documentary (alongside paul bellini), i've been up to toronto in january, april, june, august, and october this year (so essentially every 2 months, though it was slightly offset by going twice in january) and i'm planning on going up in december, every time not only do i find time to meet up with scott, paul, and bruce but they all deliberately try to reserve as much "jess time" as they can because i have a unique and powerful friendship with each of them, every time i finish a new creative project paul has to see it bc he loves how ambitious i am, i repeatedly wake up to texts scott sends me at 3am about the documentary and how excited he is to have me on tour with him to film it next year, bruce thinks it's hilarious he used to think i was "shy" bc i've gotten so comfortable going on infodumps and tangents about things i'm passionate about, and the three of them all feel like extended family. best of all, i actually have plans to graduate from college a semester early so that i can use the money (and time) i've saved to find a place in toronto and start making even more connections with the comedy community up there (also for the record: no i have not met mark, kevin, or dave yet. i know kevin is aware of my existence from bruce giving me a shoutout at a show they both did but that's about it. but i know i will interview all of them for my documentary)

so anyway that's how i got into kids in the hall. i know only the first 2 paragraphs answer your question, but at this point my love for this show has become so so intertwined with my relationships to bruce and scott and paul as humans that i don't really consider getting into kids in the hall and getting to know the kids in the hall as separate things in my life.

(also if you have any follow-up questions on anything mentioned feel free to reply or dm me, this goes for everyone else too!)

#as always i hope talking about knowing some of the kith irl doesn't come across as bragging bc that's absolutely not my intention #bc i do very much feel like a very lucky kith tumblr nerd and my favorite thing is connecting the kith to this part of their audience #hosting little digital screenings of hard-to-find kith media or passing along questions etc #this is exemplified with my ''kids in the archive'' series which you should check out if you haven't already #but yeah this is a very (and i mean VERY) brief summary of how this all unfolded #bc like. yes this all kind of happened over a year and a half. but it was a very eventful year and a half #if you scroll far enough in some of my kith-related tags you can find posts from in-the-moment before i knew some of them #or when i was still coming up with the concept for the buddy cole doc or something like that #which is very interesting to see. this blog is like a living kith journal lmao #also: the bruce interview article was never written bc i actually lied about writing for the school paper lmaooo #but for the anniversary i might write a transcript and/or see if i can post the audio bc i did record it #i haven't relistened to it since the day (march 6th) so it'll be so cool going back and listening to myself being starstruck #compared to now where i see bruce as ''just some guy (complimentary)''

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