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stateofsope · 10 months

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Happy Birthday to: Me

It's not easy growing older. It's even harder if you're not sure if people care about it.

Today is my birthday - or, I guess, by the time I post this, it was yesterday. Birthdays and I have a weird relationship.

I absolutely love birthdays. I love making the days on which we celebrate my favorite people special for them. I love picking out presents, writing cards, sometimes even baking a cake. I want that day to be perfect for them.

Every year I hope the same thing will happen on my birthday, but each year my expectations are too high and I end up being disappointing and not fully enjoying the day.

Birthdays aren't easy for a lot of people. Growing older is a very scary scenario and for many years I felt the same way. This big number 30 kept coming closer (now, it's closer than ever) and I felt like I haven't done enough, haven't experienced my 20s in the way I'm supposed to. I blame society for this, because everyone is glamorizing being in your 20s. No matter if you watch movies or read books, this is supposed to be the time of your life and as soon as the 2 changes to a 3 your life is over.

But that's the biggest bullshit ever.

My great-grandmother died in the high age of 94. Let's say I'll reach a similar age, then I only passed one third of my life so far. There's still 60 whole years ahead of me! Nothing is over - it just started.

It took me many years to realize this. I'm not losing my youth turning 30. The best is yet to come (yes, this is a bts reference and yes, this song and the way they talk about growing older is a big part of why I've come to this perspective).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that birthdays come with a certain kind of sadness. Another year has passed, something ended, something new will begin, you don't know what's going to be waiting for you.

So, even though I'm not that scared of growing older anymore, a feeling of melancholy is always around on my birthday for me. There's always a moment during the day where I wish I could sit down somewhere and just cry for a couple of minutes (I don't though, don't wanna scare my poor mother).

But then there's this feeling of expectation. I want this day to be as special as possible - I wanna feel like the most special person on this whole entire planet for 24 hours. I don't care about the rest of the year, I just want these 24 hours.

The problem already starts with the fact that it's my dad's birthday the day after mine (happy birthday, dad!). We always celebrate with the family on my dad's birthday and that's fine with me. Having family over is exhausting and this way we can avoid it for one day. But, having guests over means a lot of work, so usually my parents are busy with cleaning and cooking and baking all day. We usually don't go out on my birthday, which is fine for me too, because I'm a homebody, but let's at least enjoy the day all together?

I love getting presents. Let's be honest, who doesn't? But everyone around me has a tendency of meaning well but shooting right past the target. Ah, a fuzzy blanket, how nice - let me add it to the 5 I already have. A water bottle, always important - that's why I already have one, duh. Bed sheets, cute - I'm very highly sensitive and always use the same one. Books, cool, I love reading - but I'm in the biggest reading slump for 2 years already and that's not even a genre I like. A dress, okay, uh - don't we all know how particulate I'm with what I wear and I hate when others pick things out for me?

You see where I'm going with this. I'm happy, I truly am thankful, but the times I had to fake a smile opening a present has seriously gotten out of hand.

My friends, by the way, are awesome at choosing presents for me. BTS prints, Taylor Swift cups, Photocards, selfmade cards - yes please, thank you. I like small things, that show how much someone knows me. (Also, my parents have gotten much better, because they started asking what I want.)

Anyways... I just honestly want to spend my birthdays with the people I love. I for once want to celebrate it, on my birthday.

This year was the perfect opportunity, because it was a Saturday. I invited my friends months ago. When I reminded them a while ago, most of them had no time. I canceled, I just spend the day with my family. With my parents who were busy most of the day and my sister who is a teenager who is attached to her phone 24/7.

I want people to surprise me. I want my brothers to show up without me knowing about it. I want a room full with purple balloons and cake with the BTS logo and Taylor on it. I want a birthday party themed like I'm a 3 year old kid, because I never had this and I want to listen to my favorite artists all day and don't think that it could annoy others, because it's my day and I can do whatever the hell I want.

And while I want all of this and I know I deserve this for one day a year I feel bad, because don't I have a happy enough life? Doesn't anyone love me enough the rest of the year? Well, to be honest, I sometimes feel not that much loved on my birthday.

I feel like my best friend and my mum are the only ones who truly appreciate me on this day - and here we are again, because isn't this super unfair to everyone else in my life?

I'm tired now and I have a headache. Tomorrow there will be people over, so I need my energy to pretend I'm all happy all day.

Like I said, this is mostly rambling. This probably doesn't even have a lot of substance, but oh well. I guess I just had to let it out.

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