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iridiss · 9 months

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(this mostly takes place in my au’s timeline, but) To compliment my earlier post about Garroth:

Laurance’s demeanor completely shifts after he becomes a Shadow Knight. Before he was bright, jovial, and very playful, you could always count on him to make you laugh. But after his death, getting him to laugh the way he used to would be considered a miracle.

He’s full-on depressed. He struggles from a form of C-PTSD due to what his time in the Nether put him through. He’s still just as gentle and kind and loving as he was before, but his old light is gone. His best days are still weighed down by an afternoon spent low, tired, and empty, and his worst days are rife with panic attacks and paranoia.

So Garroth becomes pretty perfect company for Laurance during this time.

Laurance often flinches at unexpected touch, it shocks him pretty badly, due to the extensive physical torture he went through. A lot of physical touch with him has now been associated with a fear-based adrenaline response—a trauma response. Garroth finds out about this pretty quickly.

Garroth is a very gentle man. He’s the kind of guy you could find cradling an injured bird in his big, meaty hands, and he’d never hurt it, he’d be as delicate and careful as a surgeon. So little by little, he rewrites Laurance’s brain by changing his association with physical touch, from pain, to gentle, pleasant, warm affection. He takes care of him. It’s like he becomes the emotional support golden retriever to his cheetah of nerves lol

He notices the small, new scars on Laurance’s face, so later that night he’d try to rest a hand on his cheek. Laurance would be tense and wary at first, but he wouldn’t push him away. So Garroth would start to softly rub his skin with his thumb, speaking to him all quiet and soothing, until Laurance leans into the touch and closes his eyes. He would remember the man he knew and loved before, who he knew he could trust. Sometimes you just…forget all of that, when you’ve been through a lot.

Garroth cups his face with his other hand. He’d keep his hand still for another moment, testing his reaction and checking in with him to make sure the touch is okay, and once Laurance gives him the a-okay, he’d caress his face and give him a soft kiss on the top of his head. He’d tell him that he loves him, very much. Laurance whispers it back, voice wavering and weak. They would linger there for a while.

In the beginning, Laurance would spend his nights keeping distance from Garroth and Aphmau, when before, the three of them used to regularly sleep in the same bed. He says that since he’s an undead Shadow Knight now, his body doesn’t need to sleep, so he’ll make himself useful and stand guard, keeping watch for the whole night. Plus, it’s probably too dangerous for something like him to be trusted around them at night. They protest, saying they know their Laurance would never hurt them, but he puts his foot down and insists that Shad would, if he got control of his mind while they were asleep. It could put them in serious trouble. He fights them on it hard enough that the two relent and let him stand guard outside.

They know he’s doing it to isolate himself, to keep them at arms length. They worry about him.

After a while though, he’d start to come back to them. He’d go to Garroth first.

(Garroth and Laurance, being Aphmau’s 24/7 bodyguards, would absolutely get their own rooms and living space added on to the Aphmau family house-now-a-mansion. There’s no way they can feasibly live in the Guard Tower on the other side of town and sleep there every night while Aphmau is left alone to be perfectly assassinated by the hundreds of night-dwelling Shadow Knights and creatures after her head. The woman has a massive blinking red target on her back, there’s no way she sleeps alone with no one but Zoe and the kids living in the house with her)

It’s likely the isolation pushing him to the brink that would make him crack. Without Garroth’s frequent gestures of affection and reassurance that “he can always come to him if he needs anything, even if he feels ashamed about it, Garroth’s doors are always open no matter what, NO MATTER WHAT,” he would probably just run away into the woods and cry under a tree somewhere when his thoughts and flashbacks get too loud to bear. But because of the support he’d been showing him the past few weeks, he does the unthinkable and caves in.

Garroth would be sleeping in his own separate bedroom when he’d wake up from the sound of someone else entering his quarters. He’d jump to sit up and confront the intruder, but then he’d stop at the sight of Laurance already climbing into bed. “Do you mind?” He would whisper, and any Defense Reflex at the shadowy stranger appearing in his bedroom would melt away at the tone of his quiet, quiet voice and the broken look in Laurance’s eyes. “No, no, of course I don’t mind, is everything alright?” He’d catch his breath and ask. “Yeah, it-…it’s fine, I just-…don’t like being alone with my thoughts tonight, that’s all.” Garroth would make room for Laurance to sleep next to him. He wonders if this would be the first time Laurance had slept since his return. “Well, you won’t be alone anymore,” he’d smile. Laurance would give a low, quiet whisper, “Thanks, big guy.” Garroth would get settled after him, wrapping his arms around him and bringing him in for a long-missed cuddle. Laurance would let out a sigh and finally, finally relax, just letting everything wash away and be replaced with the warmth of an embrace and a kiss on his head. “…thank you.”

Laurance would fall asleep for the first time in a long time.

He would sleep for over 12 hours, totally sleeping in for hours. Garroth would let him sleep in peace—heaven only knows how rare it is for him now—and he’d eventually wake up to Garroth making him a very nice breakfast. He’s surprised and nervous over it, insisting that he doesn’t need to eat, he really didn’t have to waste their food and spice supply on him, but Garroth insists with the same gentle, warm smile he always has, and Laurance relents. It tastes great. It’s a very nice relief to have another physical sensation that’s actually pleasant, and as a sweet, personal gift for him no less. It’s a strong reminder of his humanity, and a helpful way to reshape how he thinks about his body and physical sensations.

He asks how Garroth managed to make something this good. Garroth sheepishly admits he asked Zoe (the best cook in the house, when it comes to anything but Laurance’s family specialty: seafood) for help and advice. He chuckles.

Garroth sees how much this helps his day be worlds better, so he and Aphmau conspire to create as many more moments like that as possible. They convince Laurance to make the amazing cooked fish dinner he used to make for them all the time, and they rev him up about it enough to convince him to show them and walk them through it while they watch in awe from the dining table behind him. He shows off for the first time since his disappearance, getting an inch of his confidence back. They convince him to dish up, and the happy, nostalgic memories of Meteli and his dads’ cooking nearly makes him cry.

Aphmau and Garroth share a triumphant high-five once his back is turned.

The first time Laurance feels comfortable and safe enough to be fully vulnerable and bare with Garroth, also known as the first time he takes his shirt off in front of him lol, Garroth would definitely be shocked and worried about just how many scars he has, all over his upper body. His armor covers a lot of his body from view, and whenever he’s just walking around the house in casual clothes or pajamas, Garroth couldn’t help but take notice of the fact that he’d always wear long sleeves. Old Laurance would walk around ass-naked all the time if it was legal, but ever since his death, he’s been hiding as much skin as possible, so it’s a big ass deal when he first opens up to Garroth physically. (how do they NOT have a physical relationship in canon it iS SO IMPLICIT—)

It is a MASSIVE silent sign of trust. Garroth would try his hardest to not to freak out over all the new scars, but there’s no way he’s not worrying. He’d gently trace his thumb over some of the scars on his sides. Laurance would mumble under his breath how he got them, avoiding eye contact. Garroth would want to cry for him, with how terribly empathetic and sorrowful and worried he’d be for Laurance. He asks if he can hug him, Laurance hesitates, then nods, and the two embrace. Garroth would tell him he’s so, so sorry that this happened to him, how terribly it must have hurt. Laurance starts to say, “It’s fine,” but he gets about halfway through “it’s” before he starts to cry. He’d hold on to Garroth very tightly. He’s like his rock, that he never ever ever wants to let go of again, so maybe if he holds on tight enough, it’ll burn into his brain that he’s here now, safe in the Overworld, safe in his arms, and his light, his knight in shining armor, his Garroth, will never leave. They’d spend a good few hours cradled like that, probably in bed, they’d probably lay down and just cuddle until they get called to work (Laurance tries to apologize for killing the mood, Garroth stops him mid-sentence, demanding he NEVER apologize AGAIN for having natural reactions like this. Laurance laughs and makes a tired comment about how Garroth’s not the same doormat he met years ago, and Garroth says that’s entirely thanks to him. ,,Laurance hides his face).

Hell, even the first kiss on the lips they share since his return would be a huge deal too, because of how strongly Laurance feels ashamed and scared of himself and his body. He is terrified that someone loving him will get them hurt—or worse, murdered at his own hands, and guilt over getting his loved ones killed was a big sticking point with Laurance already. He’d struggle a lot with opening up to Garroth and Aphmau at first. And of course, Garroth would end up warming him out of his shell, which, to him, would be a very strange thing to have to do for the world’s most passionate, romantic knight, but it happens between them regardless. It happens with them in all fields of their relationship.

Until soon enough, Laurance is sleeping between them again.

He really starts to feel human again, laying beside the two of them.

Garroth would keep doing everything in his power to get him back, little by little. He’d keep giving him hugs, until Laurance ends up relaxing into every single one, until he reaches the point where he wraps his arms around him and hugs him back, until eventually he’s the one reaching for it and tackling Garroth like he used to. Cuddles turn from something he’s hesitant to trust, to something incredibly healing. He holds him very, very gently in his hands, and it’s that gentleness, that unconditional kindness that never goes away, that warmth, that soft smile, that would push him back on his feet. He needs the specific way that Garroth loves and gives affection more than anything during this time in his life, and Garroth is there to give it every step of the way. After all, that’s what Laurance did for him, back when they first met. When he lost Zenix, when he lost Zane, when he was recovering from his family’s damage. Laurance teaches Garroth to finally fight back, stand up for himself, and love himself for all that he is. Then Laurance falls next, and Garroth is there to pick him back up again. He teaches him how to relax, how to trust and be vulnerable and know that he’s safe, how to be himself again. He undoes everything The Shadow Lord and Gene do to break down his individuality, he gives him back his fire and his strength. That way, when things do get bad and Shad starts to control him again, he has enough strength in him built up to say fuck no, to punch back, and make a new name for himself under The Shadow Knight Rebellion. He can stand and fight again, against the very forces that broke him, he can face them head-on and bite back, for himself, for everyone he’s ever loved, because he had someone there to pick him up in the first place.

Laurance needs Garroth. He would be a very, very different man without him. He likely would’ve given up on his humanity entirely if Garroth was never someone to come back to, considering that he’d be far too dangerous to return to Irene of all people. But it’s not just Aphmau he came back for, she’s there to support and help him too, obviously, but if it were JUST her?

He would’ve given up on everything the second he found out what he’d become. Garroth is just that kind of..beacon of a person to make even a man stuck in the darkest pits of hell believe in a second chance for himself. It becomes about more than just “Protect Irene” and more about “do it for the loves of your life that you can’t let go of no matter how hard you try. Do it for your family, even if you’ve grievously let them down, because you still love them too much to abandon them. Do it for your sons, that have suffered through enough and deserve a brighter future. Do it for your home. Everyone in the village is counting on you. Do it for what it means to you. Because there’s far more than just your knightly honor at stake here.”

They all need each other. Garroth and Laurance need each other, desperately. They can’t stay standing by themselves for too long, they need the other man to fall back on when life takes a baseball bat to their ankles. They can’t do it alone. They crumble and (literally) die when they do it alone.

Garroth and Laurance make an inseparable team.

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