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mamamittens · 2 years

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this is self inserty nonsense after reality checking myself yesterday, feel free to ignore it. Because I love the bread man but I am also painfully introverted and would absolutely do this irl. You would not catch my demi ass doing 'love at first sight' let alone one night stands.

So this is also SFW and could be considered either platonic or romantic.

ThatchXSI/OC

Warnings: Mentions of hypothermia and related problems.

Concept art I made while developing the character properly.

What I wouldn't give to nap in a cocoon of soft feathers in an isolated winter cabin (✿◡‿◡)

Word Count: 4904

The Summer and Winter Isles were a relatively new discovery for the crew. More well known for an ‘out of the way getaway’, the two islands hosted a wide variety of activities for anyone willing to make the trip. Oyaji was more than happy to make the stop, even allowing his sons to choose between the two islands for a brief holiday. They were close enough that you could feasibly book a trip from one island to the other in a daily service mostly used to trade goods between them. Many chose to stay on the Summer Isle for the ideal beach weather and fantastic spa resort. Though a few were willing to give the Winter Isle a chance.

Especially after they heard it was famous for natural hot springs.

Thatch, ultimately a man of culture, had a very different reason for going to the Winter Isle. It was rumored to hold a curious variety of natural goods that you couldn’t find anywhere else. Like Frostburn Berries, which were a pale blue with red veins and were ranked as the third hottest berry on the Grand line. Or even Snowmelt Apples, which were pure white with a pale blue core and famed for their natural health benefits with a delicate, sweet taste. Since the whole crew was spread between the two isles, the kitchens on the Moby Dick were closed, so Thatch had all the time he wanted to explore and try these new ingredients for himself.

He didn’t quite expect the amount of Skypieans though… or maybe they’re related to Shandians? Apparently, they’re natives to the island and have a few differences from their more… sky bound counterparts. For one, their wings were a fair bit larger than the average Skypiean, and Winter Isles natives have fluffier wings as well. Odds were that every other shop or business he came across was ran by one, though that isn’t to say that no other species lived on the isles naturally. He saw quite a few fishmen on the Summer Isles that were clearly local, and several comfortable human families on both isles.

It was fascinating to see—especially when he rarely saw any Skypieans on his travels—or Shandians for that matter.

At a stall selling winter gear for newcomers, one such winged lady chatted on about the various amenities.

“One of those Whitebeards, huh? Well, try not to start any trouble while you’re here! Hate to set off an avalanche and bury the hot springs for a while. Nikia would get pissed with you, too.” Thatch looked up from his inspection of a ‘all-natural feather down’ coat, curious if the natives provide the feathers themselves, and didn’t even need to ask who she meant, “Nikia is considered the star of the rescue team. Not too friendly with people, but she’s real good at what she does. Stays up in a cabin on the mountain near the springs. If you ever get lost, find high ground and look for a red light. There are several rangers who live in cabins up there, including Nikia, and they never turn down travelers.”

“Huh… I’ll keep that in mind. Say, do you know where I can look for ingredients? I’m the commander of the fourth division and culinary chef. I heard there are a lot of interesting foods on this isle and wanted to try it for myself.” Thatch asked since the lady was being so helpful already.

She paused, pursing her lips.

“Well, that depends on what you want to find. Wander around for long enough and you’ll stumble onto something interesting to cook here. Don’t wander for too long though, we get snowstorms on a dime around this time of year and you don’t want to be caught in a whiteout.” She responded, walking around the store to pick up various items for him, “We have several species of fish that only thrive in this area, you can go to the ice lake over yonder and fish them up yourself or buy them in the marketplace. Of course, you could also just pick up the other local foods there too, but if you’re desperate to get em fresh just look for animal tracks. They grow really fast so most of the natural wildlife regularly visit the same areas for them.”

Thatch nodded, making a mental note to keep an eye out for tracks. He looked over the supplies she brought to the counter. They all looked well made and specifically for exploration. Thick snow boots, insulated overalls, and a pack with multiple padded sections. Presumably for supplies. She also set aside a bottle of what he was pretty damn sure was high grade booze.

“What’s that for? Isn’t it a bad idea to go hiking in the snow drunk?” Thatch asked. While he could absolutely hold his liquor, that was in casual settings. Parties and celebrations. Not in a near inhospitable wilderness. She cracked a smile and laughed.

“If you get too cold, a sip of this will warm you back up enough to find shelter. Frostburn Berry Booze. Definitely don’t down it in one go, but little nips should help here and there. I hear you Whitebeards can hold your drink so I thought this would go over better than super thick gloves. Which you should still wear by the way, but good luck picking anything in them.”

“You make booze out of those?!” Thatch asked, immediately making a note to buy some for Oyaji. Maybe he’d tell him before he took a bit drink of it… or maybe not.

This time the lady cackled.

“Sure do! Good luck, commander!” The lady cheered as he paid for his supplies and set out.

He was a Whitebeard Commander! He could handle a snowy mountain—especially with all this preparation!

He couldn’t wait to see what delicious food he could cook up with his inevitable bounty.

--*--

Nikia sighed, stretched out languidly on the window seat, wings twitching to resettle feathers after her short nap. Her cabin was just on the right side of toasty warm compared to the chilled windows she had slept beside. It had been a quiet week so far. Most of the snowstorms had rolled in slow enough that no one had gotten caught up unaware. And anyone that got lost for too long were easily found by the other rescue teams. As the least social person in her family, she was rarely bothered outside of work reasons.

Her cabin was mostly considered an emergency spot for lost travelers and a place to get the feeling back in their toes before heading over to the hot springs. So unless it was dire, they rarely called on her to find people out in the snow. It helped that most of her family was really good at finding people on the mountain. She wasn’t even the only one with a remote cabin for ‘lost travelers’ either, just the most well known one and had the largest space. For rather practical reasons, actually.

See, while her family and other locals all had wings—reportedly a bit larger than Skypieans—she was the only one unfortunate enough to grow them so large they dwarfed her body. So, the more modest cabins were a tad impractical, as they rarely had room for her to stretch without going outside. But they were soft and fluffy like clouds, so she thought it was a decent enough trade to occasionally have to attend to lost groups. In her spare time, she wrote books, which brought in their own money over time. Not that she needed it, with her housing being provided for her due to her ‘ranger’ status.

But still, it was a pretty nice life she had made for herself. Perfectly at ease being alone for long periods of time. Not that she was left alone for long enough to bother her very often. There were plenty of stupid people that visited Winter Isle.

“Bb-ring. Bb-ring. Bb-ring.” Shelldon dryly called out from his open terrarium where he rested most of the time. Sighing, Nikia walked over and answered the den den mushi, adjusting her round glasses back onto her face.

“Yellow, this is Nikia, Rescue Ranger supreme, how may I help you?” Nikia cheered in a falsetto tone.

Ginger’s familiar voice spoke up.

“Oh thank goodness you answered, Niki! One of those Whitebeard pirates went up the mountain for ingredients a few hours ago and none of the other rangers has seen him.” Nikia waited a moment longer as Ginger seemed to move away from her own receiver, “She’s the best at finding people, I promise! It’s too dangerous to go out right now!”

“His folks getting worried, Ginger? Actually, I think I hear the wind picking up… we got a storm rolling in, don’t we?” Nikia sighed, “Is he the only one?” Ginger’s voice faded out as she soothed whoever was with her for a few more moments.

“Yes! He’s the only one! Everyone else is accounted for between the cabins and the hot spring buildings. He’s wearing bright yellow snow gear last I saw him with a large brown pompadour. I don’t know if he put his hair down to wear a hat or not.” Nikia nodded.

“Alright, I’ll go out and look for him. Any allergies or medical problems before I get dressed?” Nikia asked, mentally preparing any recipes to warm him up.

Even with the gear Ginger sells, several hours outside is a bit much. The man is probably freezing cold right now, assuming he didn’t get lucky and find a den with wildlife chill with having a surprise roommate.

“Commander Thatch doesn’t have any allergies or medical problems! Please find him, ma’am!” Someone called out desperately.

“Alright, I’m on my way. I’ll give you a call back when I find him, Ginger.” Nikia said before hanging up.

Shoving on her own insulated winter gear, Nikia set out ingredients and added wood from her porch to sit near the fireplace. The recessed floor was already set up for emergency guests who needed to extra warmth, so she didn’t need to worry about that. Grabbing her rope and shoving on gloves, Nikia clambered up the roof hatch.

It wasn’t quite nighttime yet, but within the hour both the storm and nightfall will be here. She needed to work fast. Hopefully this ‘Thatch’ wasn’t too big, or she’d have to drag him on a sled.

Putting on her helmet, Nikia took a deep breath and expanded her wings, allowing the wind to sweep between the primary feathers as she bent her knees.

The familiar slopes of the mountain came alive in her mind as she mentally searched for the stranger. Letting out a pleased note, Nikia took off.

For once, the person she was looking for was really close by. Collapsed, but still breathing. He was clearly trying to make it to her cabin before his legs gave out from under him. At the very least he had the sense to wear a hat, any sign of a ‘pompadour’ lost under the fuzzy wool. He was also taller than her.

His pale face turned towards her, eyes squinting up into the shade her wingspan provided as she landed in the snow before him. An old scar curved around one eye but otherwise, he looked pretty ordinary. Maybe a bit too cold to be considered ‘handsome’ though. Lifting her visor, Nikia spoke up over the thick snowfall.

“Bit cold for a scavenger hunt, buddy! You Thatch?” Nikia asked. After a long moment where the man visibly seemed to struggle, he nodded.

“Y-Yeah.” The man whispered hoarsely.

“Well, you’re in good hands now. Can you hold onto me or do I need to secure you?” Nikia asked, carefully lifting him from the mounting snow. His arms were shaking but firm as he shuddered, eagerly clinging to her for any semblance of warmth. With quick work, Nikia secured a rope around the lines of her gear made for just this. Crossing around his back to help him hold on. Carefully, Nikia shut her visor and lowered them both, chuckling at the horrified whine the man let slip. Like he thought she did all that work just to set him down into he snow again. “Easy, sir. Just need some leverage for takeoff.”

Thatch barely had time to groan in question before she was airborne. His arms tightened around her shoulders like a vice in panic as she gripped his thighs to prevent him from kicking. While the added weight burned, Nikia felt comfortable enough with the distance from her cabin to pull it off. Though perhaps she should have warned the man beforehand.

Eh. It was a little funny.

With only some struggle between the weight of a full grown man and the frigid wind, Nikia made good time. The lights of her cabin a beacon in the growing twilight. Setting back down a few feet from her enclosed porch, Nikia released Thatch from the ropes and partly dragged him in. The man was still shaking, so she had to help remove his boots and outerwear.

“I know, you’re freezing, but that fire can’t help you through five layers in insulation fast enough. Just curl up and relax while I get you sometime warm to eat.” Nikia reassured him as she dropped him into the pile of warm blankets in the ‘conversational fire pit’. Thatch sighed through chattering teeth as he followed her instructions.

A short call to ginger as the soup warmed up later and Nikia brought out a big bowl for him.

Somehow, Thatch had managed to roll himself up in a ball trying to get warm, soft brown eyes following her with a shaky smile.

“T-Thanks.” He stuttered, releasing his hands to accept the bowl.

Nikia snorted. He was shaking so bad he’d spill the bowl all over himself if he tried.

“Uh, no. Not until you stop emulating an earthquake, bud.” Nikia dismissed, scooping up a spoonful and offering it.

The blush as he accepted his fate certainly brought much needed warmth to his pallor if nothing else. Thankfully for both of them, he was able to hold the bowl on his own after about half the contents were gone.

“T-This is good…” He muttered, eating faster as Nikia went to add some logs to the fireplace.

“I should hope so. It would be kind of mean to force you to eat garbage in your state.” Nikia muttered before looking back over at him, “How are you doing now?”

Thatch smiled as he took another spoonful of soup.

“Better. Still feel cold though—fuck—I wasn’t expecting it to be this cold outside.” Thatch complained, “Is it normal to feel it in my bones?”

“Considering how long you were outside, yeah. Just count yourself lucky you can move your extremities. I’ve never had to amputate and I don’t think you’d like me to start now.” Nikia teased, taking the empty bowl, “Full? Good. I think it’s time we both got some sleep. The storm isn’t going to let up anytime soon.”

“Wish Ace was here. He’s a little heater, even if he does complain when I hug him for too long.” Thatch grumbled, curling back into his cocoon of blankets. Turning off the lights, Nikia chuckled.

“Well, I don’t know if I’m a ‘little heater’ but as long as you keep your hands where they belong, I don’t mind. Unfortunately, it really won’t be a good sign if you’re still cold in the morning.” Nikia offered. Usually, she wouldn’t offer this to a stranger, but Whitebeard’s reputation spoke for itself. And as a commander, she expected Thatch to have the moral fiber necessary to not make a big deal out of a basic survival tactic.

Thatch looked at her with wide eyes before grinning.

“Well, I won’t say no to a pretty lady! Uh… how is this going to work?” Thatch faltered for a moment. While he was absolutely bigger than her in terms of height, her wingspan was nothing to sneeze at. She put her glasses onto the mantle for safe keeping.

“No pulling feathers out, for one. Unless you want to piss me off and get kicked out onto the porch.” Nikia replied dryly, sliding in next to him and stretching out one of her wings, “Now lay down and don’t hog the covers. If you behave, I might make breakfast.” Nikia offered.

Hesitantly, Thatch leaned back onto the thick feathers, reluctantly releasing his hold on the mountain of blankets he’d commandeered. With some adjusting and a very firm pull to drag him closer—otherwise what was the point of offering the warmth of skin contact?—Nikia pulled her free wing over them. Creating a warm pocket of air Thatch clearly appreciated.

After several long moments Thatch curling his arms around her back, mindful of her wings, a slight tremor still present. His voice rumbled in her ear where it was pressed against his shirt.

“You’re Nikia, right?” Thatch asked softly.

She snorted, realizing she hadn’t even introduced herself.

“The one and only. Now go to sleep before I make you.”

“Okay… I’m making breakfast though. It’s the least I can do.”

Refraining from smacking him, Nikia sighed.

“…This is literally my job.”

“Blessing stupid men with your warmth and presence?”

“Saving stupid men from hypothermia.” Nikia growled, “Now. Go. To. Sleep. Most people thermoregulate best when they rest. It should take care of any lingering chill before you get sick. And I’m taking you to the village if you get sick long before I play nursemaid.”

“… I mean, you kind of already are—”

“Sleep.”

“Yes ma’am.”

--*--

Thatch wasn’t actually sure where he was when he woke up. Clearly, he slept for longer than he intended to. Fuzzy with sleep, Thatch eagerly curled closer to whoever his bed partner was. He felt so warm it almost distracted him from realizing he didn’t recognize anything. Whoever’s shoulder he was nuzzling didn’t smell familiar, nor did they feel familiar. And while he was no stranger to one night stands, he was a little too clothed for that to be the case.

There did seem to be a surplus amount of feathers around him though. Adding to the soft smell of snow, salt, and something earthy. Pulling away, his memories came back to him slowly.

Nikia was pretty short next to him, massive snowy wings encasing them with black speckles like the freckles on her pale skin. Dressed comfortably for sleep, it was clear she didn’t get up to anything either. Soft brown hair curled around her face as her nose twitched. Thatch was only a little disappointed before he remembered how exactly he ended up where he was.

Right.

The sudden snow storm. By that point he had already decided to give foraging a rest and headed to where he could see a red light. And then his legs gave out from the cold. And he actually thought he had died when someone descended from above with massive wings and a black helmet.

Thankfully, he was plenty warm now. But he distinctly remembers promising breakfast, and Thatch would be damned before he broke that promise to the young lady. Carefully, he pulled away while trying not to lean too heavily on the massive wing he was laying on before. Feathers almost ridiculously soft and thick under his hands, Thatch briefly wondered how often Nikia had to clean them. If she could even reach all of them to begin with.

The cabin was large, ceiling high enough that Oyaji could easily sit inside with a loft up above with a hatch to the roof. Bookcases spanned most of the walls filled with colorful tomes. He even recognized a few of them, much to his surprise. Pearl of the Sea and The Adventures of Captain Billy and His First Mate, among them. Every book that had come out yet, in fact. Which was surprising to Thatch because while the adventure series was fairly popular among pirates, the romance book wasn’t a hit at all as far as he knew. Ironically, Thatch had only read the adventure series because he recognized the author from the little known romance novel and had gotten hooked.

Maybe he could chat with Nikia about this new, shared interest over breakfast? Or maybe she knew better spots to find the fresh ingredients he had hoped to experiment with. He wasn’t picky. With a quick glance at the fireplace, Thatch magnanimously decided to add a few more logs to the pile, watching them catch before moving onto his actual intended task.

After a quick inspection of the kitchen—and a solid minute of admiring the winter landscape outside the window—Thatch got to work. Nikia was pretty stocked for someone living in an isolated cabin on a mountain. In fact, she had many of the curious ingredients Thatch had come here to find in specialized containers on the windowsills. While a fridge would be Thatch first guess to put them, they probably lasted longer right where they were. Still! He wasn’t here to admire the ingenious set up of the cabin.

He was here to make breakfast.

Pancakes, specifically. There was even syrup he could use! He’d never heard of the type though, and after sampling it with a clean spoon, he found he liked the rich taste of… he paused and looked at the bottle again. Snowmelt trees? The same tree the apples came from? Well, how can he say no to that?

It was actually kind of fun cooking in a kitchen he was unfamiliar with. Every drawer and ingredient felt like an adventure to his senses. New spices he’d never heard of, fruits he’d never seen, and even an open recipe book on soups for wintertime delighted him to no end. Still, he never lost sight of his goal, easily whipping up pancakes with his new ingredients. Thankfully, flour and milk were the same regardless of their origin or he might have had trouble.

“Do you help yourself to everyone’s kitchen, or just mine?” Thatch nearly threw the batter bowl through the window. A soft, accented voice grumbling just behind him. Turning his head nervously, Thatch laughed when he realized who it was.

Somehow, Nikia was able to sneak up on him despite her massive wingspan, which he thought would make more noise. Enough to tell him when she woke up at least.

“Hey! I promised breakfast!” Thatch defended himself. Nikia sighed, pushing her glasses up her nose with a roll of her eyes. They were just slightly too blue to be gray and softer than any other he’d seen despite the sharp cut of her gaze. It felt like she was cutting clear through him in an instant.

“Yeah. I suppose you did. I also told you it was unnecessary. I was literally just doing my job.” Nikia swept past him, smacking his side with a wing ‘accidentally’ as she got herself a glass of what looked like juice. Thankfully he was sturdy enough to hold his ground against the assault of feathers.

But Nikia didn’t interfere with his cooking any further than that, so he took the blank check for what it was and went back to work.

In short order he had a decent spread of pancakes and some sort of bacon ready to go. Naturally, he set out plates for the both of them, eager to see how she liked his cooking.

He was a little disappointed at her lackluster reaction. While it was clear she enjoyed the perfectly golden pancakes, as well as the crispy bacon, her expression barely wavered from ‘vaguely annoyed and tired’. Maybe he’d been spoiled with black holes like Ace who loudly and vigorously enjoyed his work. Or maybe he’d need to work harder to break what he was pretty sure was just a strong ‘resting bitch face’. Marco had something similar after all.

Nikia seemed a bit serious, though. Deadpan and focused on her job, Thatch could recall her comment about amputation that he was too tired to think about at the time. The lady at the stall did tell him she wasn’t very friendly.

Then again, neither was Ace when they first met.

Grinning, Thatch resolved himself to his new goal.

Get Nikia to smile. Much like Ace, Thatch was sure Nikia’s smile was bright and beautiful somewhere under that cold exterior. She could have let him warm up by the fire alone, after all. It probably would have been smarter, in fact.

But she didn’t. And Thatch would bet his best cookbook it was because she was actually really sweet. And he wanted to prove it.

--*--

“Ring. Ring. Ring.” Marco picked up the receiver from the den den mushi set beside him as he reclined on the beach next to Oyaji, enjoying the beautiful weather on the Summer Isle.

“This is Marco, yoi.”

“Fantastic. This is Nikia, from the Winter Isle.” Marco glanced over the horizon towards the distant isle. The person sounded annoyed and feminine, the snail mimicking a deadpan expression.

“…Yes?”

“I need you to get your man.” Marco snorted and Oyaji bellowed with laughter.

“Uh… And who would that be, yoi?”

“A Commander Thatch? He’s yours, right? I didn’t call some other Marco, not with Whitebeard?” Marco sighed.

“Yeah, he’s ours. What’d he do?” Marco laid back down, mentally and emotionally preparing himself for whatever bullshit Thatch was getting up to now.

“He won’t fucking leave.” Nikia hissed, “He keeps cooking meals in my kitchen and going out to get more shit to cook more shit. Does he not have a whole damn kitchen on your ship?! Is it not enriched enough for him?”

Oyaji kept laughing.

“Who are you talking to, Nikia? I wanted to ask you for your opinion on this new recipe I tried—Oh! Hi Marco!” Thatch called out.

“Would you just begone already you foul specter of my household! Why do you keep cooking shit for me?!”

“Thatch… Why are you haunting random civilians?” Marco asked dryly, already suspecting what was going on.

Thatch only got like this when he was trying to impress someone, after all.

“She saved my life, Marco! I only wanted to return the favor with a good meal!” Thatch defended himself.

“It! Is! My! Job! Go away!” something heavy smacked into something else repeatedly, like this Nikia was using a pillow to beat into Marco’s brother. Which he probably deserves.

“Thatch, I think she’d appreciate your absence more than your presence.” Marco informed him. It had only been three days, how had Thatch inspired this strong of a response already?

“But I’m so close, I can feel it!” Thatch proclaimed before whispering, “She almost smiled at a joke I made last night!”

Marco sighed.

“Thatch… you cannot harass someone into returning a crush. Leave the poor woman alone.” Marco could hear Thatch sputter over Oyaji’s laughter.

“I am not! It’s called courting—”

“My kitchen is not your experiment lab! Leave already!”

“Are you sure she knows that?” Marco asked.

“Is this about the guy--?”

“Who you scared shitless last night? A little! My job is literally to prevent people from becoming popsicles! And I can’t do that if you terrify them into wanting to run back out into a snowstorm!”

“In all fairness, I only said that because he was being inappropriate!”

“Oh, he’s hardly the only one that’s bought into the ‘share warmth for survival but make it sexy’ trope! Usually, I find that a handful of Frostburn Berries in their soup clears that misconception right up!”

“Thatch, if I have to leave this perfectly lovely beach to drag you out of a snow covered mountain, I’m dumping you into the ocean.” Marco dryly informed him, “So either leave or fix it.”

“Agh! Fine! I’m sorry!” Thatch cried out, “Let me make it up to you with this lovely—”

“Leave!”

The line went dead as Oyaji laughed again.

“Ah. Young love.”

When the week was up and they collected the whole crew, Thatch was one of the last ones to arrive. Bundles of new ingredients and—for some reason—a new set of pillows and blankets.

Thatch was beaming as he waved a small piece of paper in Marco’s face. He could only make out a few numbers and a name before Thatch stowed it away.

“I was right!” Thatch crowed victoriously.

Marco raised his brow.

“About…?”

“She has a beautiful smile! And a lovely laugh!”

“Ah, so she didn’t try to smother you in your sleep. Strong woman.” Ace commented as he walked by with a new smattering of freckles and a deeper tan.

Thatch immediately launched into an explanation of his ‘guardian angel’ and how beautiful she was. And secretly kind. And had good taste in books. And so on and so forth.

“Hey, isn’t that the name of that author you like?” Ace asked with a scrunched up nose.

Thatch froze, horror on his face.

“WAIT. HOLD ON. FUCK—I GOTTA GO BACK AND ASK—”

Marco grabbed the back of his shirt.

“Absolutely not. I think she’d actually murder you if you stormed back now after whatever miracle you pulled off before.”

“You’re right! I’ll call her!” Marco did his best to suppress a massive sigh.

He wished them both good luck.

#one piece oc #self insert i guess #one piece thatch #that accent is light southern btw #self indulgent nonsense #let me dream a little #idk which is more wishfufillment #shipping with Thatch #or a idyllic cabin in the snowy woods and no worries #jk its the cabin #that's the real dream here #free me from my 6-4 job 5 days a week sometimes 6 please

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olivereactsaboutgarbage · 1 year

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One Piece - Volume 30

That’s a nice round number.

Chapter 276 - Shandian Rhythm

LOL! It’s funny, because Wiper is saying “Don’t use my name in vain”, the classic religious rule about God, TO God. “God”. ““God”“. “““God”““. “““Jackass”““. Very nice, very nice. *golf clap*

I’ve been trying to avoid using roleplay asterisks within these posts, but... some things are just too important. *clenches fist while wearing a golf glove*

And those things are golf.

The insufferable god uses a Harry Potter Patronus to kill Wiper. Zoro wants a turn with the kryptonite. The insufferable god uses a Harry Potter Patronus to kill Zoro. I see how it is... even though he’s gay, the insufferable god’s aligned with J.K. Rowling... just like Dumbledore...

Wiper goes back to not being dead. The insufferable god asks him why he’s bothering, since he’s about to go back to being dead, since the insufferable god is insufferable. Wiper has a backstory, but the insufferable god has sky lasers.

Nami is the insufferable god’s only non-dead enemy. She says they should be friends. The insufferable god says “Sure. I like having allies who are only my allies out of fear.” Nami says “YEAH I ALSO LOVE PRECISELY THAT SAME THING” while sweating.

Chapter 277 - Maxim

Nami decides to have a jetski while she allies herself with the insufferable god. The insufferable god thinks that’s a little silly.

I guess that’s one way to describe electronics.

In this case, the electronic device is a boat-shaped aircraft.

Hmm... I feel like there’s something grand and poetic I could say about how the snake’s purpose within this story is vore, which is a fetish, and by restoring Lufpy, the King of Fetishes, to relevance, the snake is relinquishing its own relevance.

Well I guess it could have taken Asia as a hostage. In doing so, it would have remained relevant, even after restoring Lufpy to relevance.

But it didn’t so now it’s irrelevant.

Which means I don’t need to think about anything grand and poetic to say about it.

Because who cares.

Sometimes I forget that, even though it’s not that way within the context of the list of chapter titles on Wikipedia, within the context of this translation, Zoro is actually one of the characters where I call them by a different name since I changed a single letter. Just like Coins, Wiper, Papaya, Asia, and no one else. Anyway, Lufpy

has a strange reaction to Zoro’s body here which I find interesting. It’s almost like Lufpy’s absurd amount of value placed on the bonds of friendship has merged with a disproportionate level of hero worship. I don’t think Lufpy is... correct, for this to be his first reaction to seeing Zoro, Tony Tony Chopper, Nico Robin, and the knight god badly hurt and ambiguously unconscious and Nami missing. He’s treating Zoro like Zoro held the burden of being an all-purpose solution to any possible way things could have gone sideways. Like some kind of a... Deus ex Machina. When has Zoro ever been one of those? Never. Someone else is the Deus here. And that person is also the one with the Machina. And that person also fucking sucks.

Also, sorry, I accidentally forgot to hit enter until I was already two words into writing the above paragraph. Sorry. I’m so sorry. That was... sloppy of me. I’m so, so sorry. *bows my head in apology while crying golf-ball-sized tears*

Nico Robin isn’t dead, and Asia is a radar, so Lufpy has all the necessary information he needs to head into this arc’s finale.

Chapter 278 - Conis

Wait, hang on, before I talk about Chapter 278, I just remembered yet another thing I wanted to say in my reaction to that one panel where Lufpy reacts to Zoro’s body: I wonder if Lufpy’s tendencies towards unconditional trust and deep hero worship will ever be truly shaken. Maybe when he finds out the redhead thinks South is colder than North, or maybe at some other point in the story. Guess I’ll have to keep reading to find out. Speaking of things I haven’t found out yet, why was the third friend named Rika?

Oh, it’s like the ultimate surveillance state. Nightmarish!

wOULD YOU LIKE TO

Coins runs over a cop with a motorcycle and says that God is bad. Conservatives hate her! Children hate her too, that’s why they throw rocks at her. Speaking of rocks, there aren’t any sky lasers at the moment. Speaking of sky lasers, I feel like I might have said “Coins is now dead” in one of my earlier posts. If I did, I was wrong at the time. If I didn’t, I’m wrong RIGHT NOW. Speaking of being wrong RIGHT NOW, people who hate Coins realize they’re wrong RIGHT NOW.

Coins is saying all kinds of uncontroversial things like “The insufferable Dumbledore expy isn’t a god, and there won’t be any miracles, because there is no kami in this country.” I love linguistics! I’m glad Coins was able to tell us that we shouldn’t worship government officials, and also there aren’t any government officials nearby at the moment. Linguistically. Through language.

Nico Robin, isn’t your power’s SIMPLEST APPLICATION carrying lots of things at once? Just give all your friends’ dead bodies way more arms, and then let the corpses use those arms as centipede legs. You know. Like something out of a horror movie. It should literally be that easy, no?

YAAAAAAAY!!! *the crowd erupts into cheers because someone just hit a hole in one*

Okay, I know Lufpy presumably has a voice which Nami would be able to recognize, but frankly I find the idea that Lufpy doesn’t have a voice because he’s a manga character, so Nami’s one panel of confusion was in part because she had no way of vocally identifying the speaker in that speech bubble, and then her realization in the very next panel is because she recognized Lufpy via speaking style alone, to be far more charming.

...Man I sure do have a bad tendency of writing run-on sentences. Time to let that sentence stand unaltered as eternal proof of my bad tendency of writing run-on sentences, for historians to find later, buried under lots of jpegs of dirt. Then they’ll add my bad tendency of writing run-on sentences to my McWikipedia 4.0 page. The free online encyclopedia that everyone can love, ba ba ba ba ba, now updated to once again change the definition of notability. Now, “notable people” and “people who hate Rick & Morty-themed hotels owned by McWikipedia 4.0′s parent company, Sony” are mutually exclusive groups. The fact that they weren’t mutually exclusive groups was a problematic issue the first three versions couldn’t seem to fix. That’s the kind of future where historians who need to unearth my bad tendency of writing run-on sentences will be living in.

And yes, I WILL be notable enough to have a McWikipedia 4.0 page.

For you see...

I...

AM...

Wait, hold that thought. I just remembered: I’m supposed to be talking about One Piece!!!

Chapter 279 - Pirate Luffy vs. Kami Eneru

Okay, that chapter title was worth every “This chapter is named after a 1v1″ chapter title that came before it in this arc. What would normally be a ho-hum “yeah this is the one where the protagonist fights the antagonist” chapter title instead feels freaking baller, because all the other 1v1 chapter titles make it feel hard-earned. Consistently listing each combatant’s faction within the 1v1 chapter titles also converts a chapter title like this from “the one where Lufpy fights Eneru” to “the one where Lufpy fights GOD” for added epic. The only thing which undercuts the hype a little is that this chapter title has a typo in Lufpy’s name.

Some people don’t want to evacuate, even after Coins convinced them to convert to atheism, because they want to see their loved ones who were recruited by the military again. A cop says “Being near the military is a job for cops!” Thanks cop! Is this the first time in the entirety of One Piece a cop has been helpful through action rather than through inaction? The gluttonous cop helped Lufpy not get arrested by cops, but it was through inaction.

Oh wait no the palindrome cop gave Lufpy directions. I forgot! Yeah I guess ACAB doesn’t hold true in One Piece. It almost does, but not quite. I guess CAB is true. I guess TAXI is true.

See, this C’s not AB. He was just pretending! Joke’s on them! Ableist slur!

Why am I saying this again? Oh right. Proof for my thesis that One Piece has taxis in it.

*beats this man to death with a golf club*

Oh, this fight is very good. I mean, it’s mostly just a guy I hate using very powerful attacks, so despite how cool the attacks look I can’t wholeheartedly root for the cool-looking attacks, intercut with Lufpy standing around doing nothing, and then a sad face. This is the best fight in One Piece.

Chapter 280 - Floating

Lufpy has type-immunity to electric. Lufpy is a ground-type Pokemon! This is consistent with Lufpy being rice. You see... in the very same arc where we learned that Lufpy was rice, rice was on the ground!

The insufferable Dumbledore expy can’t use electric-type moves... but he now audibly realizes he has other moves. He starts doing “dodge the attack” and “hit someone with a stick”. Then he realizes sticks aren’t that effective and makes it a trident instead. Then he realizes dodging normally also isn’t effective and starts swimming through metal.

No... this is so sad... Lufpy’s least-fetishy special move... exposed for what it truly is: Something only Nico Robin can do... in other words, Lufpy tricking people into thinking he has Nico Robin’s capabilities... in other words, Lufpy altering people’s states of mind to make them believe in something that isn’t true... in other words, hypnosis fetish...

YES!!! THIS IS SO GREAT!!! This is the last fetish Lufpy needed to become powerful enough to slay a god! In my last post, I was briefly under the mistaken impression that Lufpy’s final fetish was vore, forgetting that he already had that one. However, all along, it was hypnosis. Heh heh heh... foolish Dumbledore expy! By debunking Lufpy, you have given him MORE POWER!!! This act will be your undoing!

But first, Lufpy will have to extract himself from the floor. While Lufpy deals with that, the foolish Dumbledore expy decides to go ahead and enact mass destruction like he was planning.

LMAO??? EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME, IS GIVING NAMI HIS HAT THE ONLY WAY LUFPY KNOWS TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER WHEN SHE’S IN A BAD MOOD?

Or wait, were both instances of him doing that because he didn’t want to have his hat on while he fought someone? Now I’m trying to remember what his head has looked like during his various fights, but I’m drawing a blank.

Chapter 281 - Deathpiea

Hmm... according to Wikipedia, this chapter’s Japanese name is “Desupia”. Is this line literally... “[I call it] despair. [It will redeem this world of] zetsubou.”

Asia is a firm believer in 1v1s. Good for her, she’s like five.

The foolish Dumbledore expy’s plan is to create a lightning cloud. Ah... I see... in this land, it’s a perfect synthesis between “execution” and “stuff”! Wait... the foolish Dumbledore expy is using “execution stuff” to “combat despair by enacting despair”... this is just Danganronpa. I think hundreds of chapters ago I said something about Kokichi being a blatant Lufpy ripoff? Well, it turns out Monokuma is just a blatant foolish Dumbledore expy ripoff.

Of course, the foolish Dumbledore expy’s trainer is a Pokemon NPC, and Lufpy’s trainer is a Pokemon PC, which means that when the person playing Pokemon inputs a move, the computer knows what that move is. Since the computer knows what move the person playing Pokemon input, the NPC knows what move the person playing Pokemon input. Since the NPC knows, the foolish Dumbledore expy knows. Therefore, Lufpy is seemingly unable to surprise the foolish Dumbledore expy.

Lufpy tries Passing every turn. Doing so raises his Defense to 100%, but lowers his Attack to 0%. Lufpy tries not having stiff legs. That’s a bit weird for him to do. Lufpy tries using a collision engine glitch. The computer wasn’t programmed to account for that, so the foolish Dumbledore expy is completely blindsided.

Chapter 282 - Desire

The foolish Dumbledore expy is now bragging that he’s pretty much already won. An apocalyptic event IS coming, and the only thing preventing the foolish Dumbledore expy from profiting from that event is merely Lufpy.

To prove how wimpy Lufpy is, he puts Lufpy’s arm in a hot golden ball. In Japanese-speaking countries, a hot golden ball is a hot human testicle. In English-speaking countries, a hot human testicle is a sexy human testicle. That foolish Dumbledore expy...! Lufpy already had enough fetishes to surpass a god! Giving him YET ANOTHER fetish on top of that is suicide!

Lufpy says that he’s not even the only person who’s stronger than the foolish Dumbledore expy--not by a long shot.

I fucking forgot.

There were seven really strong guys.

And Lufpy only defeated one of them.

And they’re already looking for a replacement seventh guy.

...no wonder one piece is so long...

Nami changes her mind about wanting to be friends with the foolish Dumbledore expy. It turns out she only liked him for his lack of having killed Lufpy.

Meanwhile, what’s happening somewhere else, is...

Hmm... how do I make what’s going on here not sound like rape... in a way that’s consistent with the terminology I have injected into my reactions to One Piece... I already met my edgy joke quota last post... what have I gotten myself into this time...

Chapter 283 - On the Front Line of Rescuing Love

Phew... it was a false alarm. Usopp’s not unconscious. He even consented. I can say this without fear: Sanji is using Usopp’s penis.

I FUCKING TOLD YOU, NICO ROBIN! IT’S LITERALLY THAT EASY!

With regards to the sexy human testicle, Lufpy is breathing heavy and trying to get it off. Asia doesn’t want him to do things like that in places where she has to deal with it. Good for her, she’s like five.

Hmm... pedophilia... so much for avoiding an edgy joke overflow. Lufpy’s entire defeat scenario was kind of an elaborate gambit to put me in an “out of the frying pan, into the fire” scenario when it came to making an edgy joke. The fact that the foolish Dumbledore expy would do a thing like that to ME, the reader...! Yep. It’s official. The only thing missing from my hatred of the foolish Dumbledore expy that was present in my hatred of the glasses idiot was the out-of-universe level of my hatred. The glasses idiot was sort of poorly written, so a real-world reason for me to hate him was there. The foolish Dumbledore expy, meanwhile, isn’t poorly written at all. Now that the foolish Dumbledore expy has done an edgy-joke-catch-22 against me... a bad action with real-world consequences... he has crossed over into being my new most hated One Piece villain.

Fuck. Yes. This might be the best One Piece has ever been. This entire reading has been giving me the same “oh, One Piece is REALLY GOOD, actually” feeling I was getting at certain parts of the restaurant arc.

USOPP EX MACHINA??? USOPP DID THE THING THAT’S USUALLY RESERVED FOR ZORO??? USOPP DID IT??? BEST ONE PIECE ARC EVER???

Wait, don’t read the above paragraph. First, ignore the part of my recent character tier list where I said I liked Usopp less than Zoro now. Second, also ignore the part of this post where I said Zoro had never in his life been a Deus ex Machina. Okay NOW you can read the above paragraph.

Chapter 284 - Sorry

Ah, in my last post I talked about how offscreen villain-induced killings are a sexy little trope I enjoy. Another sexy little trope I enjoy, but this time a comedic one: People reacting to the situation they’ve walked into by doing a combo move where they chain from saying “I see” straight into closing the door behind them when they leave.

That’s like half the reason Chapter 169 is my favorite unadapted chapter of the Kaguya manga.

Heh... last time I mentioned Kaguya in one of my One Piece posts, I was able to successfully inflict torment on a single person. This time... I wonder... how many people will suffer in anguish?

Yeah... Nami and Usopp have my favorite character dynamic in One Piece. Probably because Nami is in it.

Uh... I dunno, bro... he attacks using electricity... and it’s an important instrument that runs off of electricity...

Usopp’s slapstick style of “combat” is not very effective against electric-type... does that make Usopp electric-type himself, steel-type, or flying-type? Well, I don’t think Usopp is anything like the foolish Dumbledore expy, so electric-type’s not it. Usopp’s good at crafting and likes to use hammers and stuff, which certainly evokes imagery of steel-type because of stuff like blacksmiths, but he also likes to imagine himself as a legendary figure, which does correlate with flying-type through phrases like “head in the clouds” and “high ambitions”. Not to mention he uses a slingshot, which is a weapon that causes things to fly through the air. So it could be either steel-type or flying-type, or even both. Yeah, actually... both steel AND flying seems like a REALLY fitting Pokemon typing for Usopp. Wait, but my favorite Pokemon types are Water because it’s what Squirtle and Quaxly are, Poison because it’s what Alolan Grimer is and also it’s just generally rad, and Ghost because Pokemon are cute and cute-scary is a delightful combination every single time! I thought better of you, Usopp.

Nami wants to escape with Usopp, but Usopp is a little busy getting killed. Sanji ex Machina.

Nami wants to escape with Sanji, but Sanji is a little busy getting killed. Oh well I guess. No skin off Usopp’s back.

Sanji tells the foolish Dumbledore expy to drop dead, then demonstrates how.

Usopp’s Penis

Chapter 285 - Capriccio

So you know back during the restaurant arc when I said “I thought it would be easy to rank the characters Nami > Usopp > Lufpy > Zoro > Sanji, but now that all this has happened, every single character is so good that I can’t use that ranking anymore because Lufpy and Sanji are way better than I thought they were, and all I really know for sure is that Nami is great and Zoro is the worst”? Same thing now with my most recent ranking getting thrown out of balance by just about everyone being better than I thought they were.

As I recall, I put all the characters into tiers in my most recent ranking. Yeah, let’s see here... Nami is still S Tier, Lufpy is still A Tier, Sanji is now A Tier instead of B Tier, Zoro is still B Tier, Nico Robin is now B Tier instead of C Tier, Usopp is now A Tier instead of C Tier, Tony Tony Chopper is now C Tier instead of D Tier, D Tier is now an extraneous tier that none of the crew falls into.

I’d say it’s gonna suck when I end up liking all these characters so much that they’re all clumped up together in S Tier, but if that ever happens, I’ll just add an S+ Tier to put Nami into.

Nami, Usopp, and Sanji are all like “Let’s find Lufpy, Nico Robin, Zoro, and Tony Tony Chopper so we can leave”. The foolish Dumbledore expy is all like “Well it sucks that Sanji did bad things to me, but this too isn’t enough to stop me”.

This... isn’t the way the arc is gonna end, right...? It’s a Shonen Jump manga. I mean, so is Chainsaw Man, so I guess that doesn’t mean extremely bad things can’t happen. And so was The Promised Neverland so it additionally doesn’t mean endings can’t be bad. Ba dum tsh.

Ah... that classic trope, especially popular in Japan, where the comedic straight man will angrily yell “DON’T DO THAT SILLY THING!” A tried-and-true classic. Whenever it happens, the audience knows that they’re allowed to point and laugh. Anyway,

*points and laughs... but why am i using my left hand to do the pointing? is it because i’m left handed? no, it’s because my dad is left-handed... that’s right, i’m phil mickelson, who’s fucking apparently a famous golfer*

Woah... Lufpy actually called the knight god by his name. He’s like, the only member of The Protagonists of One Piece + Myself who respected the knight god’s request for them to do that. Also, he called Wyper Wiper. I thought I was the only member of The Protagonists of One Piece + Myself who did that!

Oh, Asia is sad. And she’s tiny. And Lufpy is nearby. Phew, this arc will have a happy ending.

Asia, Nico Robin and the corpses, and Nami Usopp and Sanji meet up. Asia and Nico Robin say “Unfortunately, Lufpy is on a fool’s errand to rescue Nami”. Puh-lease. We all saw Lufpy watch Asia be sad. We ALL saw it! That’s not what he’s fucking after.

Fuck. My update might already need to be updated. Nami might have to share S Tier with Lufpy. Shit. Fuck. My joke about all the characters slowly creeping towards S Tier together might just be reality. Fucking shit.

Am I really that easy to please? Quick, I need to reassure myself that I have good taste... um... lemme think...

Bruno Bucciarati and Narancia Ghirga are in B Tier. Leone Abbacchio, Pannacotta Fugo, and Trish Una are in C Tier. Giorno Giovanna and Guido Mista are in D Tier. None of them will ever ascend to A Tier, let alone S Tier, because JoJo Part 5 doesn’t have good character writing.

Phew, it’s not that my standards are low, it’s that One Piece is good. Thank goodness.

Man fuck Giorno and Mista for being the main character and honorary main character of a JoJo Part that had Narancia in it. At least Bruno got to be an honorary honorary main character.

...noooooo I reached the end of this volume... I wanna find out what happens next, but... I need to start writing my Higurashi post...

#one piece #is what i'm consuming

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