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thisdreamplace · 3 years

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I had a nasty fight with my former bff. This was long ago. She did the whole 'boycotting me' thing at school and afterwards had a mutual friend pass her msg to me, saying "tell her [me] to get it into her skull that she's not the center of the world, who does she think she is? Stop acting like a #" Im simplifying the words, her actual words were nastier

I got thinking today abt this fight, and her comment abt me that is still way too fresh in my mind even tho I hadn't recalled it in 2-3 yrs!, and I actually decided to use the law to revise my friendship to feel better as what happened after the fight was shameful on my part. But before I knew it, I started rmmbring my relationship with her. How I became a total victim. Got so stuck on her validation, begged her to be friends with me (after I got the degrading msg. 🤕 silly me w/o a backbone lol) and stayed her 'bestie' for way too long. Only after it's all over im noticing smth messed up abt out 'feiendship'. It wasnf that normal I think. She would get so pissed if I did anything that went against her thoughts/beliefs/way (which is why she called me a selfish # that major fight). It was so subtle the way she showed her disapproval. To her, if I did anything not aligned with her, or even makih decisions on my own which didn't involve her, it was wrong. And had consequences like her beinf distant for days etc, or getting angry if I didn't mind read her bla bla, I just had to keep her at the top 24/7 and she expected everyone else to do the same... which I thought was normal... It wasnt. And what would be even more crazy is she never realized how that meant she always wanted the attention. That she always wanted it her way! It just makes me feel... Sad.... When I look back. How couldn't I have notived it before? I used to be strong headed, opinionated before I became 'besties' with her.. That all has changed. I wonder why -_-

It may be dumb on my part but with the weak mind and insecurity I had then, I took that fight/her reaction to the heart and internalisef this stupidiy (DENY MYSELF if the other alternative was denying HER. I didn't think it was wrong. For the oldme, it really wasn't wrong smh). Aaah I'm so sorry old me :(

This fight started bcoz she asked me for smth and I refused, instead of relenting like I always would, and I see now that her reaction (to me not being an obedient # to her ig?🤢) was basically her setting rules. It was wrong of me to refuse, yes, but why did she react that way? Why did this pattern continue? That everyone was selfish if they didn't think of her ;_; like how do u deal with this? And the icing is when I too started to defend her and make excuses for her all the time. And ik I'm making her out to be so strong, don't worry... I accept the strong only rule when the weak submit. And I was weak as hell, so its understandable this whole thing. I think 😅

Idk. I seen your posts abt eyipo with other anons so i hope u can tell me figure out what this was. Its clear to me she was projecting smth about me, and mb throughout our whole friendship she was projecting me. And I would think it was her hurting me, that she was right and I was wrong or maybe I did smth wrong. Mb I thought I deserved being punished that way?!

Today I suddenly had an aha moment and I realised... this is how a victim thinks. I didn't know I was a victim when I was living that stoey aka thought I was powerless. When in fact I really wasn't?! Haha still accepting I 555% created ALL that. The law can knock you out haha

Enough old story I just want to ask, what du u think the msg she sent to me was? Did I really deserve such a reaction (did I mention she included other girls in the boycot? 🤢) just for standing up for myself? What about the whole 'fight' aka showcase of power? And the entire yrs of being friends why did I never realize I was only hurting myself so much by putting her before me? And also, with the everyone pushed out thing, how did it fit in? Like why the hell did I give her too much power in validating me by giving in after the fight in the first place?, and while I did have some fun times (saying this so anyone else who reads this doesn't think it was pure torture lol. We had some common interests tyat no one else in the class shared when we first became 'friends'), deep down I was so unhappy so why didn't this reflect on her? I mean why didn't she ever sense just how much she'd hurt me, why didn't she see how much I put on the back burner coz of her?! Was it as she saw it as her right? I'm just so confused

This is still a bitter pill to swallow tbh but I have to face this in order to move on. This person and my life with her has left me wit many scars and I got to understand how I did this so I never attract such a person in my life again. Its not even abt bejnf a victim. As I said, these victimy things were subtle and I only noted them when it was too late and I was a shell, like she getting super pissed and disapproving if I had a differing opinion and me blowijg it out of proportion and tailoring my views or not expressing them so as to not feel the disapproval...thanks boycott conditioning ig? 😭 Aaaah even talking agaunst her rn is making me uncomfortable. Which makes me think I still am scared of her subconsciously even tho she's no longer in my life. Like, what in me made me choose her? I haven't healed, obviously by this ask as u can tell, but idk what is it in my self concept that had this whole thing in my past even happen

My friend, I also want to say I think you're a beautiful soul 🥺. And im sorry for the long ask lol. And I pray you'll always have all your desires. And plz, was it hard for u at first when u learned about u creating everything? The good, the bad, and the repulsive (like this story)? How did u get over old stories? Ty ty ty 😭

To begin with you're being really harsh on yourself. Like, I know it's hard, but it's never that serious. And trust me, this is something I have to remind myself of regularly. Because there have definitely been moments in life where I look back on myself in that moment, and I feel like I was pathetic and would slap myself if I could. But the truth is, there's just no need for any of that. We always did the best we could. We always did, period. We couldn't have done anything differently and this will continue to be true our entire lives. Looking back on the past with such overwhelming feelings, is really not needed. I get looking back to learn from it, but practice coming from a place of love and acceptance instead. It will help you grow, rather than get stuck back in this cycle of self-hate and confusion. Plus, you actually never need to analyze the past to grow but that's beyond the point right now.

To me, by reading your ask, the message she sent to you was clear. You feel you deserve less in life, you feel you're not good enough, you feel like a victim to life and others, you feel like you're not empowered or the operant power of your reality. It's not about her being wrong and you being right, and I get this is one of the hardest pills to swallow. Everyone is you pushed out. Therefore, there's simply no such thing as who is right and who is wrong anymore. It was only ever you.

When it comes to everyone is you pushed out, you have to understand this person isn't this way because that's who they are. They were that way because that's who you were. Inside of you, you brought their character to life. Therefore, the same way you are not stuck to such an undesirable self concept, neither is that person. It's not that you chose her and attracted her in. You were just dealing with yourself. That's what I hope you walk away from this response understanding. Because by thinking she was outside of you, you're missing the mark. And this is such an important concept to understand when it comes to the law of assumption, because it's really at the forefront of everything. People play such a huge role in our lives, whether it's relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc etc. So understanding how everyone is you pushed out actually works is extremely important.

So instead of putting all this blame on her or even putting the blame on yourself, all these memories really do is give you a glimpse into who you were at the time. It shows you the beliefs you held about yourself. It shows you what your self concept was. That's all it's doing. So in that way, there's actually no one to blame at all. I know it feels good to put blame, even when it's on yourself, but the truth is there's no room for blame when you learn about the law. You simply take responsibility and become empowered by the power you have held this entire time. And you practice making it work in your favor.

If you want to see how something was apart of your self concept, all you have to do is pay attention to what you are thinking/feeling. Shame, not being good enough, etc etc is all just stories you once held onto. Now you don't have to hold onto those stories anymore. Now that you know the power you hold, you get to make a new decision for yourself. Rather than ruminating of the painful past, allow it to be and know how that's not your story anymore.

Was it difficult for me to accept how I created everything? Yes and no. It's been a journey. While I could accept it logically, emotionally it was still very painful. Many times I wanted to cry and lash out when I felt alone and felt upset that no one was there for me. Although, I knew deep down it appeared that way because of my own concept of self. So yeah, it's been a journey. And it's honestly not always delightful. But this is the journey we have to take for the rest of our lives, so we might as well get used to practicing and applying these concepts. Instead of continuing to hold ourselves in such painful lights. I got through old stories, and I continue to get through old stories, by feeling all the pain that came up. By allowing myself to cry and feel however I felt like during those times. And in the back of my mind I knew I was getting stronger in my power. I knew how I would keep persisting once the pain subsided. And little by little, old stories fade more and more. That persistence to continue choosing better for yourself, is truly more powerful than it may seem in a difficult moment. Have trust in how it's all working out for you regardless.

Hopefully this is helpful! Thank you for your kind words. 💖

#eiypo

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freddieslater · 3 years

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Rowing the Rarepair Rowboat: Caroline Forbes x Seline (The Vampire Diaries)

"I feel like I shouldn't even have to say this," Bonnie sets down her coffee and stares at Caroline; a stern, slightly disbelieving and exasperated stare, "but don't sleep with the babysitter."

She says it with such conviction, too, as if it's a genuine concern. Like she's going to just waltz up to the new girl and suggest it!

Caroline rolls her eyes, laughing, and replies, maybe a bit too testily, "I'm not going to sleep with her! I just..." She takes a deep breath and tries again -- without the sheepish smile this time. "She's... I just think that..."

"She's hot and you want to have sex with her."

"That's--!" Her words actually register, alongside an image of Seline, the new babysitter, as of this morning and Caroline slumps with a defeated sigh, "--totally true."

Bonnie picks her cup back up to take a drink and totally not to disguise the smile that Caroline can see on her face, plain as day. Groaning, she drops her head onto her arms with a thump.

Bringing up the interview was a bad idea. Coffee with Bonnie had just seemed like a good opportunity to whine a bit about how infuriatingly perfect Seline was throughout the entire interview, because she can't say anything to Ric without him going all gooey-eyed and gushing even more about how great she seems. And he wouldn't even listen to her when she tried to point out that it was so obviously all just a ploy to try and seduce him, and get under his skin!

For what reason... she actually isn't sure. But it worked! Because now she's under Caroline's skin as well like the slightering little snake she is, if snakes were slender, and had impossibly smooth skin, and were able to work their venom into your veins without even touching you!

Another groan escapes Caroline but it comes out as more of a pathetic whimper if she's honest. She props her chin on her arms and pouts.

"Why couldn't she be really horrible so that we were forced to hire the old lady nanny?" she asks miserably. "Couldn't she be like every other stranger in our lives and turn out to be some bloodthirsty monster, or an ancient, evil witch with a murderous vendetta? Why did she have to be perfect and... sparkly?"

Bonnie's eyebrows raise, and she laughs, sets down her cup, and shakes her head at her like she's the saddest sight she's seen. And that's saying a lot; she dated Jeremy, for gods sake.

"All right, you need to pull yourself together," Bonnie tells her, leaning in across the table with a smile that's getting far too much entertainment out of this for the words coming out of her mouth. "Or else you're going to end up getting sparkly with this girl. I repeat: Do. Not. Sleep with. The nanny."

"Fine," Caroline says but she isn't convinced by her own agreement. She sits up straight, finally shaking herself out of this ridiculousness, and repeats, more clearly and calmly, "I'm not going to do anything with the nanny that would count as even slightly unprofessional. All conversations will be about the girls, or Ric, since she is clearly already trying to get her perfectly manicured claws into--"

She catches Bonnie's stare. Closing her mouth, she nods, getting the message.

"Yeah, I'll work on it."

Bonnie nods back. "You do that. But, uh... I'd suggest doing it fast, because based on your descriptions of this gorgeous demon of a babysitter, I'd say that she has just walked in and is -- oh, yep, she's coming over here. And she's smiling. And waving. And I'm still talking -- I'm gonna go!"

Caroline's eyes widen as Bonnie is already grabbing her stuff and getting out of her seat -- the only other seat at the table. She shakes her head frantically and tries to grab for her, not able to speak as Seline reaches them far too fast with those annoyingly gorgeous long legs.

"Hi!" Seline greets, and the moment for escape has passed.

"Hey!" Caroline says, with way too much enthusiasm and a smile that probably looks a bit crazy. Judging by the look both she and Bonnie give her, she's guessing it does.

"You must be the new nanny," Bonnie says to Seline. "I'm Bonnie."

Seline sticks out a hand and shakes Bonnie's with a bright smile. "It's nice to meet you! Are you leaving already...?" she asks, gesturing to Bonnie's stuck gathered rather hastily into her arms and her seat now left unoccupied.

"I have to get to Whitmore College. My class starts in a half hour, and they're not going to learn much if their professor isn't there," she explains with a laugh that Seline joins in on, to Caroline's great dismay, because as it turns out, even that sounds perfect. Soft and silky and like a god damn siren. As an afterthought, Bonnie adds, "Well, professor in training, I guess."

"Oh, did you intern with Alaric?" Seline asks.

Bonnie and Caroline share a subtly amused look at that, and Bonnie falters for a second, trying not to let her smile show too much.

"Uh, yeah -- in a way. I'm actually teaching Occult studies, so, having him around has certainly been... a big help. What with the... history side of things and all." Recognizing her own fumbling, she quickly says, "Anyway! I have to go. I'll see you later, Care. It was nice meeting you, Seline. You two have fun!"

Caroline shoots her a disbelieving glare, eyes wide as Bonnie just smirks and makes her escape out of the cafe. Fantastic. Now it's just her and--

She turns to find Seline already taking the seat across from her and asking, "Is it okay if I sit with you for a little while? If you're not busy, of course! I'd love to get to know you better, seeing as how you're trusting me with your kids."

"And their father," Caroline says tightly, then regrets it when it comes off as a jealous ex. Even the thought of someone assuming that makes her shudder. She was more just meaning because of his bad luck in the dating department, any new women in his life seems like a bad idea, especially now that Lizzie and Josie are in the picture.

Seline actually looks surprised by the comment. She blinks and sits up straighter. Then her expression shifts, and she's clearly trying to suppress a smile -- though, not very hard, as it twitches and tugs at the corners of her mouth as she momentarily ducks her head, nodding.

"Ah," she says, like everything makes perfect sense now. That's worrying. Caroline is really hoping she didn't go down the wrong route with this. "I get it now. I couldn't figure out why you seemed so... off with me during the interview. I was actually worried that I had done something wrong, or my resume wasn't enough."

"No." Caroline sinks in her seat with a sigh, guilt popping her with one sharp poke. "No, Seline, that's not--"

"It's okay!" Seline assures her. "I totally get it. I've watched the movies. Girl interviews for a job as a nanny, and nine times out of ten, they end up sleeping with the father. I absolutely get why you might've thought that's what I was trying to do."

Caroline shakes her head. "No, really, it's fine. It's my fault, I shouldn't have jumped to assumptions like that. You are... lovely. And perfect. For the job! For the kids -- Lizzie and Josie will adore you, I just know it. It was extremely rude of me to assume that you had any other intentions towards the job, or towards Ric."

"Well... thank you for saying that." Seline smiles at her, mouth stretching so far across her cheeks that it's kind of impossible for Caroline not to smile back. Then Seline is saying, "But I just want you to know that, I promise, I am not trying to go after Alaric, just so that you're totally reassured and don't have any concerns about that. I'm actually gay, so."

The bluntness throws Caroline. Bonnie returns in the form of a stern voice in the back of her head, giving her a good thwack for good measure as she repeats: Do not sleep with the babysitter. There is a line and it should not be crossed. But with this new information, as well as the smile that she is currently directing right at Caroline like a very obvious beam of sunshine, it's harder to see that line.

"Oh!" Caroline says then immediately kicks herself and scrambles to correct. "I mean -- that's great! For you. Obviously, it has no impact on me. Not that I'm not -- oh god, that came off incredibly wrong. I... am so sorry."

Seline's laughing that silky laugh again. Like music, floating into Caroline's skull and filling it with clouds, soaking up all of the worries and bad things. A sort of peaceful content is washing over like a gentle shower of rain.

"Don't be," Seline tells her. "It's fine. And cute."

Heat rises to the surface of Caroline's skin, and she flushes. She tries to laugh it off. "Uh... thank you. I try my best."

The joke has Seline laughing even more. Caroline can't help laughing, too, letting the embarrasment be washed away.

Then Seline says, "I was actually trying to impress you, not Alaric."

Maybe it's just the slight giddiness of it all lingering for a moment afterwards, but Seline gives her a lingering look before finally switching the subject, and she swears that it meant something. If that something is a toe over the line then... she'll just pretend she can't see it. Lines are easily moved.

#tvd #the vampire diaries #caroline forbes #seline #caroline x seline #rowing the rarepair rowboat #myedits*#OKAY LOOK #no one asked for this but I was playing one of the Choices games and it was about having an affair with the nanny #and I just immediately thought of caroline and seline #the kids are even twins in the game it's hilarious actually #but yeah so!!#tw food #for the top left picture

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