#sid was like...are we supposed to be giving away the answer to our security questions like this?

[fruitcoops]

Two of A Kind

I’ve been focusing on asks a lot lately because of everyone’s awesome ideas, but I saw a Cut video that was similar to this and just couldn’t resist. Hope you enjoy! Sweater Weather credit goes to @lumosinlove!

TW for mentions of sex and endless simping!

“Are you ready?” Marlene asks behind the camera. Kasey sits alone on a stool in the middle of the room, drumming his fingers on his knees.

“Yep. What am I doing again?”

The video cuts, revealing the same room, this time with James Potter on the stool. “You’re going to be answering a few questions,” Marlene explains. “And then we’re also going to be interviewing your wife and comparing your answers.”

“Oh, God,” James laughs. “Okay, hit me with your best shot.”

A title card appears on the screen. First Question: What was your first date?

Remus thinks for a moment. “Like, our first official date, or something that was definitely a date but we were both too dumb to notice?”

“Kasey took me to an ice rink,” Natalie says. She is inexplicably sitting on a folding chair rather than the stool. “We spent about three hours there, drinking cocoa and talking. It was a ton of fun!”

“Ice skating.” Kasey grins. “She told me she could skate, but she had never stepped on the ice in her life.”

“It was at Sid’s.” Sirius smiles to himself. “We had been together for about three months at that point.”

“Remus asked us to define ‘first date’,” Marlene says, sounding amused.

“Is there a different definition that I’m not aware of? We hung out at Sid’s a bunch before we actually got together, but those didn’t qualify as dates.” He pauses. “Looking back, they kind of were dates. We just didn’t know it.”

The video transitions to Lily and James, whose interviews are lined up side-by-side. “Lily took me to get ice cream after we went for a walk in the park,” James answers with a bright smile.

Lily laughs. “Our first date was a disaster. It was twenty-five degrees outside and we got ice cream. I think our brain freezes lasted about three straight minutes, but I had a great time.”

Second Question: When and where was your first kiss?

“Our first kiss happened on our first date,” Natalie says. “Kase caught me when I fell over and I just leaned right in.”

Kasey’s dopey smile makes his eyes crinkle. “At the ice rink. It felt like something out of a movie.”

Lily frowns in thought. “Oh, god, maybe our sixth date? He dropped me off at my apartment and kissed me goodnight.”

“I pulled a move straight from a John Hughes movie.” James grins and stretches his arms out. “Walked her to the door and everything. It was perfect.”

“Pascal Dumais’ basement,” Sirius says with a light laugh. “Which is a surprisingly romantic place.”

“It happened right after Sirius’ birthday party, which I was tricked into attending.” Remus gives the camera a mock-serious look. “Always be suspicious of Pascal Dumais. Always.”

Third Question: Who said ‘I love you’ first, and what was your reaction?

Sirius bites his lip. “I said it first, but only by two seconds. It was a long time coming, to be honest.”

“Sirius said it first.” Remus smiles at the memory. “We were both kind of wrecks at the time, but it was…amazing. I think I just cried harder and kissed him.”

Lily rolls her eyes fondly. “James said it first. We were both super drunk and he just blurted it out in the middle of the club.”

“She ran away!” James practically shouts as the video cuts to him. “I told her I loved her, she gave me this shocked look, and then disappeared! I get a text an hour later saying she caught a cab and went home, and she signs it with ‘love, Lily’. What the fuck was I supposed to do with that?”

Natalie coughs slightly. “Um, I don’t remember who said it first.”

Kasey grins at the camera. “Natalie said she didn’t remember,” Marlene calls.

“Oh, she remembers.”

Fourth Question: How’s your sex life? Anything you can do differently?

Sirius, who was taking a sip of water, chokes. “Excuse me?”

Remus is dead silent for a second, blinking at the camera in shock. “It’s, uh, good.”

“If we gave you some alcohol, would your answer change?” Marlene asks.

“Probably. Does anyone else feel like they’re suddenly in danger?”

“What sex life?” James snorts. “We have a baby. There is no time or energy for anything anymore.”

Lily raises an eyebrow. “You think I want him anywhere near me after I just shoved a baby out of my crotch?”

“It’s damn good.” Natalie winks, uncapping her own waterbottle. “Pro tip for anyone looking for a hockey boyfriend: go for the goalies. They’re flexible.”

Kasey is laughing into his hands when his interview appears. “She said that?” he manages. “Oh, Christ.”

Fifth Question: Do you dirty talk?

“Yes.” Kasey and Natalie say at the same time. James winks, and Lily shrugs with a sly smile.

Remus gives the camera crew a disbelieving look. “Are all the questions like this? Were we lulled into a false sense of security?”

“Answer the question, Loops!”

Remus sighs deeply. “On occasion, yes. I’m going to regret saying that.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Sirius says, narrowing his eyes as he sets his water down.

Sixth Question: How well do you sleep?

“Not bad,” Remus says. “Better than I used to, that’s for sure.”

“I don’t sleep,” Lily scoffs. James just looks at the camera and wordlessly gestures to the shadows under his eyes.

“Pretty well,” Natalie muses, slinging one arm around the back of her folding chair.

Sirius nods. “I’d say I sleep well most nights. It’s more comfortable with another person, which was surprising.”

Seventh Question: Why do you feel obligated to share a bed?

“Obligated?” Sirius and Remus say with matching tones of incredulity.

Lily’s smile becomes softer. “I really like sharing a bed. It makes me feel safe.”

“Oh, I love sleeping next to Lily.” James’ gaze turns dreamy. “She smells nice, she’s so warm, and sharing a bed makes childcare much easier when the other person is within reach.”

“You can’t tell her I said this, okay?” Kasey looks around at the camera crew before answering, and his cheeks turn light pink. “Nat’s side of the bed faces east, so if I get up for practice and the sun is rising, she glows a little bit. I dunno, I like it.”

“Kasey is really warm and cuddly.” Natalie says after a moment of thought. “He’s like my own personal heater and I’m never cold if he’s there. Don’t tell him I said that.”

Remus bites his lip before speaking. “I’m not much of a cuddler, but I sleep better next to Sirius than I ever have before. It’s incredible.”

Sirius cocks his head to the side with a smile. “Hmm. Having someone there to hold, especially someone I care about so much, is the best feeling. If I ever wake up in the middle of the night, he’s just…always there.” He half-shrugs. “It’s sappy, but it’s true.”

Eighth Question: Rate your attractiveness on a scale of 1-10

“Eleven,” Lily and Natalie say in unison, as if it’s obvious.

“I’m going with a solid six,” Remus decides after a moment’s deliberation.

“Eight, maybe?” Kasey answers.

Sirius makes a face. “Six? Seven?”

James is mid-laugh when the video cuts to him. “Um, seven. Lily and I have talked about this before and I got in trouble for saying ten, that’s why I’m laughing. Sorry.”

Ninth Question: Rate your partner’s attractiveness on a scale of 1-10

Not a single one hesitates. “Ten.”

“Remus said he was a solid six,” Marlene says as the camera focuses on Sirius.

His eyebrows shoot up. “What? Where is he? Re!”

“What?” a distant voice shouts back.

“You’re a ten!”

“On what scale?”

“Nat said eleven, didn’t she?” Kasey asks with a grin as the clip changes. “I love it when she does that.”

Final Question: What animal is your partner and why? Give three reasons.

Lily gives Marlene a hard look. “Marley, I love you, but what I say right now needs to stay confidential from my husband.”

Sirius laughs quietly. “Oh, he’s going to hate me for this.”

“Lily is a lioness,” James says immediately. “She’s strong, fierce, and unbelievably brave.”

Natalie tilts her head. “Good question. I’m going to go with a bear, since he’s got a big, tough reputation but he’s all soft inside. He’s a pretty solid guy, too, and he likes cold weather.”

“Nat is one of those really colorful birds,” Kasey says. “The ones with big personalities and the pretty feathers.”

“James is a lion.” Lily thinks for a moment longer. “It’s not just that he plays for the Lions, but he really is one of the bravest people I know. He’s protective of his family and cares a lot about keeping everyone together.”

Remus grins at the camera. “Sirius is a dog, and I will happily tell you why. Number one: he loves going for walks. Number two: he is endlessly loyal to the people he cares for. Number three: peanut butter.”

“So, Re is either a cat or a dog, and I really can’t choose.” Sirius’ eyebrows draw together in thought.

“You can choose both if you have reasons,” Marlene calls behind the camera.

“Really? Alright, he’s a dog because he’s friendly, loyal, and brings people trinkets as gifts. Um, I don’t have a legitimate reason for the cat one, but do any of you know that one vine with the cat that’s being dragged around on a leash?”

The camera crew bursts out laughing, and a small picture of the cat appears in the upper left of the screen.

“Anyone who has tried to pick Remus up knows that he looks exactly like that. Goes completely limp, it’s the funniest fucking thing.”

The video cuts to Remus, who raises his eyebrows. “He said what?”

The title card appears and Marlene’s voiceover begins. “Thanks for watching, Lions! Special thanks to Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James and Lily Potter, Natalie Darcy, and Kasey Winter for being with us today. Like and subscribe for more!”

#sirius black #remus lupin #james potter #lily evans #kasey winter #natalie darcy #marlene mckinnon #social media #sweater weather #coops #jily #kat #lumosinlove #my fic #fanfic

[jeanxgenie]

01.03.17

I don’t even know where to begin, talking to you has become something different entirely. A different being. I get the impression the love runs deep, and at the bottom of all the distancing and cold shoulder you show me now, a part of you is probably still in love with me.

 I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting, I wake up every day and think of you. I think I’ve settled my own head knowing it’s not me missing being your girlfriend, but I miss my best friend. We had it all and you just didn’t fight for me. I don’t know why you didn’t fight if you loved me as much as you claim to have done. It felt real, it felt right.

 It’s hard for me to let go of the details and I know you’re stuck on the ones where I failed you too. We both failed each other in many ways. That was the disintegration of the relationship. I carried around so much hurt; I never truly felt like yours and I told you so many times to amend your behaviours and you’re wondering eyes but they never did stop wondering around the sea of the internet. I’d look at these girls and feel nothing but self-hatred when I saw them in their suspenders and with their perfect hair and their heavily made up faces. I didn’t stop putting in effort for the most part with my looks, granted when I was depressed I definitely could have tried harder and let myself slip. I comforted myself with sugary snacks and binge filled evenings I regretted every time. I stopped matching my underwear every morning and I lived in clothes that were comfortable rather than that complimented the curves I carry around.

 I always compared my body to that of the anatomy books they show you in sex ed, the woman always depicted with wide child bearing hips and curves and natural looking tits. A soft body, feminine, realistic typical portrayal of a ‘woman’ I suppose. That is me. That is what I offer physically. I was never going to be the girl dressed in Topshop with no breasts and the hips of a boy. The baggy t-shirts and loose fit ‘mom’ jeans that have become so popular in editorials and photo shoots that scatter Instagram do nothing for me. I’ve always found it hard to be the ‘cool’ girl, to be effortless or alternative when I look my best in plain clothing that fits tight to my shape. There’s nothing punk about that. I know that. My clothes are as exciting as my personality which I feel is also beige. Regardless of all this, I knew how to turn it on when necessary, I made the effort to surprise you and I’d always make an effort for date night or when we went out for food. I wanted you to feel proud to have me on your arm.

 Ours was the longest relationship I’d ever committed to. Everything about the friendship was easy, there was no denying we got on. It was the type of connection that didn’t need explanation it just was. We vibed off each other and I never felt uncomfortable hanging with you, there never felt a time of awkwardness, we could just be. I guess that’s what I miss the most, the companionship. But that got wiped out alongside the mess that was the deception and the secrecy. It was never going to be easy to be together and we were both innately aware of that fact. I remember the night you cried in the carpark to me thinking we were having to break up to make everyone else happy. That the love we felt was not allowed, it was forbidden in the eyes of our self-made ‘family’. I will never forget that night and what we went through thinking we could never openly express the love we felt.

 For all that, for all the stresses and having to hide our feelings for so long, when it all as in the open and finally accepted that we were in fact together and in love I thought that was it. I thought you’d be happy, but nothing could make you truly happy and I never did get to the bottom of that. No love in the world could reach that place that resides in the depths of your head. You continued to keep me a secret from family, friends, and the people we worked with. Everything was strictly business, I had to be professional at all times, I could never be seen to be yours even when people were comfortable that I was. I was always defiant of them anyway, I didn’t give a fuck what they thought, I loved you and that was all that mattered. Fuck if anyone else couldn’t deal with my relationship outside of work or who I chose to spend my time with. That was mine and I always still owned that part of my life. It wasn’t up for discussion or for released control into the hands of the others. It was mine.

 I only met your mum a couple months before we broke up. I loved your family truly, I loved getting to know them for the brief time I did. It saddened me you hadn’t let me be a part of your world sooner when you’d been welcomed into mine from the first time you slept over. Our relationship wasn’t some perfect story, we bickered like an old married couple. We often fought and clashed our heads together. To this day I still describe us as a modern day Sid and Nancy, but it worked. It was never malicious, the clashing was with love. We challenged each other. We were both so stubborn, we still are.

 It was always playing in the back of my head the sea of girls that you’d befriend and the excuses that came with that. The photos of them undressed and the hilarity you found in the whole thing. The excuses were dry and once they appeared in one corner of your circle they’d creep into all aspects of your internet world. They’d be somebody on Instagram, who you’d then befriend on Facebook, who would talk to you on here, who you’d tweet to more and more. They’d worm their way in on our relationship which in fairness they didn’t know existed. You didn’t tell them I was yours. There was no inclination or hint to my existence in any of your online presence or in fact your presence in the real world. I was always the girl who was just your best friend, they would question if it was more but you never gave them an answer. There would be text messages that didn’t make sense, there would be inappropriate conversations to have had with people you’d say were just your friends. Years this went on, years and years throughout the time we were together.

 I grew more and more insecure as time went on. My love for you never died, my love for myself shrunk so small it was barely visible anymore. You did know me so well, you knew how I hated and still do hate to feel alone. I struggle with my own company, and my own schedule, it coincides with the depression. The back of my mind always haunted me with the image of us marrying and you walking out on me with no remorse. I saw you walking the way my own father did in my parents’ marriage. The fear of being alone is something I’ve always struggled with, you could say I have abandonment issues, you’d probably be correct and it’s something I’m aware of. I tortured myself with the lack of knowing your habits and the reality and extent of the girls who made your head turn when I wasn’t watching. You could never give me solid proof to confirm that nothing was going on. You said it was an invasion of your privacy, but all I needed was a little reassurance and with all the love you felt for me you couldn’t even give me that peace of mind. I was forever in turmoil not knowing what was going on behind my back, you couldn’t give me a shred of confidence in you. It ate away at me, it really did.

 I made my own mistakes too. Throughout all this back and forth in my own head knowing if I could live without you and be strong enough to leave my best friend knowing I deserved reassurance and love and comfort, not breach of trust, lies and deceit. I told you after I left it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in a relationship having to walk away but I did not have any other choice. You couldn’t give me the answers I needed and I was losing my mind not knowing the truth. I should have been yours, you should have wanted to scream it from the rooftops how important and in love we were but you cowered away. Even after we broke up, all it would have taken was a bunch of flowers sent to my house or you catching a bus to mine and banging down the door to see me, that fight, that need, that craving for me to not really leave. But I faced total silence, I spent weeks in silence, waiting on you again to step up to the plate and being once more disappointed. Less than twenty four hours after I ended it you were looking at other girls again. Something I’d stopped checking for the last few months we were together just so that I could pretend we were fine. I wanted that fifties version of movie romance, I wanted to pretend we were the ones living out the dream of true love. That we had that love people write songs about and dedicate books to.

 Your drinking was a problem. When we were happy we would still fight if it sent you the wrong way. You had two automated channels after throwing back the booze; the funniest man I had ever met or the nastiest aggressive man I would face. I don’t miss that part and I’ve seen it even recently in you. The aggression towards others and the cutting comments. I never liked that side of you.

 I’m not an innocent in this story, I know I moved on quickly from you and I. Like you said to me I cannot stand to be alone. I cannot stand my own company and I fell head first for someone who offered me the security and comfort that was missing from our own relationship. When he asked me on a date, he looked after me more so in that one evening than I had been my entire life and it surprised me. Here stood a man I never thought would show any interest in myself confessing how much he loved me, how much I turned his world into a frenzy when I stepped into it. How I came in like a hurricane and changed everything he had thought was his future. I only ever thought he would be my friend. We always got on so well when we first met but I didn’t know that would ever become something more. He had an almost fiancée and I was done with the concept of love after you and I came to an end. I felt lust, I felt passion, I felt like yes I could sleep with someone else but I never expected anything more than that. My belief in love was dead.

 I thought my days of loving were over. But here he was, this man crazily unapologetically in love with all that I am, offering me the world and more. It was different from the start, he told everybody in his life who I was within only one date taking place. The day I went for a meal with him he asked me to move in. I questioned it all, it’s just chemicals and hormones and a slew of madness I thought to myself. I’m not special or worthy of this kind of emotion, why would anybody want me this much? What the hell did I do to make anyone this gaga over somebody like me? But it didn’t stop, he didn’t back down with his displays of affection. He looked after me in a way I hadn’t felt since the happiness of my childhood. I’d forgotten contentment like this for almost 12 years and here it was embodied in the safety and love of this man.

 Nothings perfect, after the initial hurricane of loves first bloom my insecurities snuck up on me once more. I questioned being worthy of this love. I questioned this man’s motives, I questioned if this was real, why would he love me? What did I do to deserve this love? Was I just another fool, another stupid little girl making another of my many mistakes? My trust had been shattered for over a decade and my heart kicked back and forth like a football match between two rival teams. Fast and hard with neither side relinquishing their desire to annihilate the opposition. The depression crept back amongst my sickness. I was incredibly ill and suddenly faced with vulnerability at such an early stage of a new relationship. Having to completely lay myself bare and trust this new person to look after me whilst I was away from home and to not turn around and leave as soon as they see me at my worst. I lay in bed ugly and pale with dark circles pressed deep down into the layers of skin that wrapped around my eyes. Over the course of that week I cried, I ate, I cried more from the pain, I questioned if he would leave me, if he would still really love me when he saw me like this. Still he was there every day, every hour of the morning on the phone to the DR, holding my body when I moaned out in pain, bringing me fluids when I only managed two hours sleep one night to try and get me to eventually rest my eyes. It was a hard week, physically yes but also emotionally for myself a huge test.

 I became restless and he saw it making its way back into my life. He could see the darkness and the uneasiness I felt. My inability to sit still in front of the TV and just relax of an evening. It was like I had itchy feet and needed to be constantly stood. That next morning he left for work I cried until my eyes shrunk behind the surrounding skin, puffed up like meringue. The tears came and didn’t stop flowing, there was no reasoning with myself to get it together and stop this stupid feeling of sadness. The seal was broken and it was too late to stop the leak, I was broken again and I knew that day was a right off. I phoned around desperate for someone to talk to, I even tried to talk to you my ex-lover in hope you could even support me as a friend but you turned the other way. I understand why, I also felt a deeper sense of abandonment. Know that I had forgiven you for all your past mistakes as a way to remain friends, I forgave all the hurt and I still cared deeply about your wellbeing despite being the first to move on. I get the sense it’s too hard for you to care about mine. I wondered if you’d care if I died, if my body was no longer in existence on this earth what you would feel.

 I’ve felt like dying ever since that day, it’s been a week now and the feelings haven’t left. My head tortures me with images of my body hanging from my bedroom ceiling. The illness teasing me with ways out from the life that I’m struggling so much with living at present. I still don’t feel well from whatever virus I picked up when my love looked after me so patiently. I’m so sick of being sick and so tired of being tired. Battling just my head alone is the greatest challenge I continue to face as the years come and leave, to have to battle both my physical and mental health when neither are at a level that makes my life liveable is a challenge that belittles and engulfs me.

 I left my love, they sent me home from where I was working alongside him. I sit here alone in my room as I write this and reflect on all these things that have been clogging up my head. All this emotion and fraught distress that has overwhelmed me. Abandonment is an issue I cannot digest and it’s harder knowing I must rest and recover here in my home alone than to be physically unwell but continue to surround myself with others. I failed at my job with him, I failed at my job as a musician and I have failed my new relationship in many ways slipping to such lows so early on. The issues we contend with have potential to make the bonds that tie us close snap. He became so angered and I questioned leaving him, such a new love only newly bloomed and I was ready to walk away. Depression has a habit of stealing everything from underneath you and leaving you completely alone with just yourself and it. It steals everything that makes you a person and cuts each part off one by one until you are alone. It waves goodbye to any interests or hobbies you once enjoyed, it tells you you’re not worthy of the love from your family and friends. It wants you alone with it, it wants you vulnerable and weak and for you to get sucked into the point of giving up on everything for it. It wants you dead. Depression doesn’t give a fuck about you the person, it wants you gone from this world. Depression wants to send souls to the other side, its goal is to eliminate people one by one through entering their heads and informing them they are not worthy of the life they have been given.

 When you see great battles re-enacted in film or hear of tactics and bravery throughout some of the wars in history it may seem of ill taste to begin to compare something of such great scale to that of a mental illness. For me at least, that’s how fraught the battle is, that is how hard it is to face the day. Fighting your depression is like going to battle against the world’s best army with a wooden sword and a frail body. The smallest things makes you crack under pressure. The boundaries of coping and what you are able to cope with diminish. I find myself bursting into hysterical tears over such small failures, often of which the people around me see as me doing something at an acceptable level. Try telling someone they’re great at something when they think they are the shit stain of society. Good luck convincing them they aren’t.

 I’ve been writing this for almost two hours now and there’s still so much more I could say. These are the tangled web of thoughts that I’ve needed to put out somewhere that isn’t a spin cycle in my own brain. We all need that release. I miss my lover every day we are apart. I believe in trying to salvage the best out of new encounters and knowing that you deserve to be treated well. I try to tell myself every day I am a person worthy of his love and there’s parts of me he sees that I don’t know how to love myself but that one day in his arms I will love them too. I could become too much for him, I’ve lost lovers at the cost of my own head before, and it is not easy to date someone of such negative disposition. I believe love exists again, I believe it comes to us at different times under various different guises and I believe I currently have the love I need. I hope that this illness doesn’t take that from me either. I also respect that it is also out of my control.

  I miss my best friend every day, but I hope in time he will forgive me for moving on. I love the man I’m with, I appreciate his resilience and drive to succeed and to not let me fall behind. It’s a different kind of love, no two relationships are the same. Bonds and friendships are paramount but trust is of greater importance. Care and feeling are of greater importance, I need to be looked after. I need to be cared for and supported as much as I support the person I’m with. I need stability and rationality and sometimes that isn’t exciting in the way drama is when it knocks at the door, but its adult and it’s sensible but it’s consistently still there every morning. Yes there was an excitement to having to constantly prove myself, to constantly try and keep someone else’s attention on me, but the darker side to that life was the crumbling of my own self esteem.

 Love should make you flourish, make you want to be the best version of yourself you can put out into the world. It should still support you at times where you are ready to recoil from life. Love should only damage when it is taken away, not when it is meant to coexist between two souls and the lives that they live. Love shouldn’t thrive on insecurity, it shouldn’t have to prove anything nor require you to prove you deserve it. Love is selfless not selfish, it gives to the other, it ensures the other person is ok, it ensures that they make it through. Love is laughing and experiencing more than just the home you inhabit. Love is being comfortable enough to spend time at home and embrace each other’s needs and silences.

 I have faced so many personal challenges over the past four months that have led to me breaking and having to rebuild the foundations again. My health has caused constant worry, I have been drugged up on prescription after prescription with no clearer understanding of what is wrong with me. My head has sunk low and my mental state has succumbed to the demons that circle from a distance, they waited for my health to decline and my head to snap and swooped in violently gripping their hands around my skull. I’ve been trying to vanquish their grip since, I have my love, I have friends I have family and I have to continue in weakness to fight.