#so I hope you will all forgive me for the incoherence and rambliness here and there xD

[theladyyavilee]

Not only would I never to stop you from talking about "home" metaphors and Buck and Eddie, this is me straight up instigating. So, please, keep going!

okay okay okay it took a while but here we go xD (thank you for your enabling friend <3) also this is probably gonna get LONG so buckle in everyone <3

alright so we are starting with a disclaimer that some of this has probably - to some extent at least - been said before in bits and pieces in various posts (some by me and some by others and I'll try to find and link them but I probs won’t find most of them!) so yeah this is not just on me, but instead is a wild mix of ideas put into my head by other people's brilliance and my own rambling connections and theories in between xD

first off, I can’t take credit for the realization that how buck is not feeling at home and safe at his own place has been an ongoing thing that they keep building onto, that one is solely on @extasiswings and her response to this post here (and on this note I will not be talking about the frankly INSANE relation between the ending scenes in 5x03 and 5x06, because I have this whole linked post about it and this one here is already getting too long anyways, but yeah I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about those two episodes and the scenes relating to the theme of home there!)

the post that started all this (and has the above tags on it) is this one right here by @bestbuckleys and yeah that post is about 3x03 and we’ll get back to that in a second, but I think she said it very correctly in her tags on the reblog, that’s not quite where it started, it started with ‘you don’t find it son, you make it’, because at the heart of it, all of this is about found family/the family you choose and the fact that you don’t find a home, you build it, ya know?

but yes, 3x03, absolutely insane for how they line up ‘wait for me to come home’ with eddie and chris knocking on buck’s door, BUT that scene also has the voice over, which, guess what, has another mention of home ‘sometimes, being lost is not knowing how we get from where we are to where we wanna be, where we need to be. A few choice words can sometimes be the life raft that gets you home. To be seen, to be found, isn’t that what we’re all searching for?’ and they are INSANE for that voice over in general and the mention of HOME in relation to what eddie says to buck about christopher AND I mean at the end of the day this voice over is still where buck is at I think, even though it has been two years? and I cannot wait what the ‘choice words’ being the lift raft getting him home this time are gonna be, but I’m sure we all agree who is gonna say them <3

then we have the gift that is 3x11 (fascinatingly also the episode where buck lets albert move in and starts this journey of never really being on his own at the loft for long but also getting progressively less happy/at home there) where we get eddie saying ‘that’s what the 118 is, the family we chose’ to chimney AND then we have ‘home’ by phillip phillips playing and we get the line ‘I’m gonna make this place your home’ right as the scene switches to the kitchen and we get buck’s ‘this is eddie’s house, I’m not really a guest’  to maddie, like?????!!!!!!!!! that is so loud? gonna be thinking about that one for a while!

and okay we also have 4x08 and eddie being the one to come home to buck and buck feeling at home there and looking so cozy there and while taking care of chris and you know what? this makes me think about how we might have it wrong just a little bit, you know? we always talk about buck wanting to come home to someone, but I think it might be more him wanting to be the kind of person someone else looks fowards to coming home to? to be so loved that they look forward to seeing him at the end of the day and to have this space he belongs to and people he belongs to and who chose him to come home to because he is their safe space and oh no, I made myself sad about buck here xD

also on the note of 4x08 I have to agree with what chapel said in the tags of that first post I linked up there because yeah, it seems like the last time buck was really 100% comfortable in a space was eddie’s home in future tense, because he IS at home in 4x08 when eddie arrives, but then the topic of the date comes up and he kinda stumbles over his words and it introduces an air of discomfort for buck both in this home and in his relationship with eddie/chris and he leaves pretty quickly and doesn’t get to stay and I think that is also extremely fascinating (and then we have 4x14 where again buck is very at home in the diaz’ house but eddie’s absence is VERY felt and it hurts and ‘your dad’s not coming home tonight’ how is it supposed to be a home without eddie? ._. and of course the way he stays just a little on the outside looking in during that ending scene once again, foreshadowing to how he is feeling that veeeeery much again this season and that scene itself was foreshadowed in future tense when they had a cute family scene but ended the episode with buck on the outside only connected via the phone - PARALLELS my beloved <3)

and okay so out of all the tags up there, the two things that I literally only noticed today as I was writing them, are the ‘it’s not like we are going home anytime soon’ at the end of the ana-talk in episode 2 and I have been losing my mind over that one all day actually? it feels kind of as pointed as ‘you’re late’ - ‘there was a construction on sunset, had to take a detour!’ because like? buck keeps on not going home to the diaz’ house? and it is driving me up a wall??!!!

and then of course the whole mitchell threatening eddie’s home (both the literal place which is supposed to be a safe space and more methaphorically christopher as eddie’s home) and it hitting so so so hard for buck, it just makes me want to scream and cry! and then he keeps not getting to go home to see chris and I’M!!!!!!! THIS HURTS, but I can’t wait for the pay-off <3

okay also something I am also absolutely fascinated by is how buck’s living situation is SO SO SO caught up in his love life? and therefore probably never manages to feel more permanent than his love life does? (the ever revolving hook-ups paired up with a roommate situation that in my experience is also an always revolving situation, then abby’s flat but abby leaves and the flat feels about as empty as that relationship, then we have the loft which he gets with ali, who breaks up with him and he is left with the loft and I wonder if it ever really had a chance to feel like just his and like a full home after that? (I feel like there is a metaphor in there somewhere between the loft and ali and their relationship, but I can’t quite make it out xD something about the loft being as much for her as it is for him, but then it is also reminiscent of the firehouse loft, because that is really the only home he knows, but then everything related to that and him being a firefighter is why ali breaks up with him and I feel like there is a connections somewhere in there that I just can’t quite grasp, so if someone else can crack it, please let me know) and then of course we had a large amount of the bucktaylor scenes taking place at the loft in s4 and now s5 it’s been even more and none of those scenes have felt homey in any way shape or form!)

and there is something about how he is looking for a home in a person and that is why he was so desperately looking for a connection and relationship like that in the hopes of it giving him this elusive feeling of home and safety and being sure of something he has been chasing (because he never really got that growing up, even tho I’m sure maddie tried, but it was pretty much impossible against the backdrop of the buckley parents and buck never feeling like he was enough for them or fully belonged there, like they were each other’s home for so long but I think both of them deserve more home than that and have both been looking for that? and maddie did build it with chim and jee-yun and buck is still a part of that but it is not his home in the way it is maddie’s now, you know?) and the fact that he now also has a home (the loft) and a girlfriend (taylor) with whom he technically should fit and still doesn’t get that reassuring feeling of home? yeaaaaah I am in love with how they are doing that and are paralleling it with how AT HOME he has felt at the diaz’ home and with eddie and chris already all the way back in s3 and it has only grown since then, but he is now kind of isolated from that and it is absolutely throwing him back into a very bad head space!

alright so this was a lot more about buck and I think it is suuuper interesting that partially that is because home gets mentioned more often in relation to buck specifically (but then also often in relation to eddie/christopher and his relationship with them) and less often in relation to eddie (for eddie it is more often a mention of family I think)!

but we do have eddie coming from a home where he too never felt like he was good enough and how he he and shannon probably never quite got around to building a home with each other/being each other’s home, with him being gone so much and how after that his parents kept him from ever feeling at home in el paso, so he was looking for a home for himself (and moreso for christopher) just as much as buck was, but I do think eddie is more settled about it now, than buck is and that probably partially stems from christopher being such a big part of what eddie sees as his home, but probably also how sure he is of buck’s place in their lives? I mean he did make buck christopher’s legal guardian and like he said, he was 100% sure that buck would never say no, would never leave them behind and the fact that he made that decision AFTER the well, where so many of the scenes he thought of had buck in them and the whole ‘I’m always gonna fight to come home to my family’? yeah, buck is absolutely included in that for eddie and I’m not sure how aware he is of that, but he is so fucking sure of Buck and he is so sure of always being there for Christopher himself, so of course he is sure of his own home and belonging!

and what we also have is eddie trying to conform to the very traditional (and outdated) idea of home, with ana there taking care of chris and him coming home to them, and then him OUTRIGHT REJECTING that in favor of the less traditional option of being a single dad for a little longer, but I mean we all know that it was also him rejecting all the expectations people/society have of him and his home and instead building what he wants for his home and his happiness (which has always included buck and being a family with buck) 

there is just something about the interconnectedness of people as home and the family you choose and the fact that for buck it is about building a home with someone and being someone’s home and for eddie it is choosing the family he wants and not the family he is expected to have and at the end of the day those two things are so closely related and are all about each other 💕 💕

(anyways yeah this is not very coherent and I probably missed a lot of things, so if any of you think of any mentions of ‘home’ that I missed, please come tell me about them so I can yell some more <3 but yeah I have to cut myself off here because this is already way too long, mad respect to anyone who made it through reading all of that xD)

#9-1-1 #911 meta #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #oh buck #my meta #home metaphors my beloved <3 #tagging this #long post #because it really really is xD #anyways I was listening to a 'home is a person' playlist on spotify and crying into my tiramisu while writing #so I hope you will all forgive me for the incoherence and rambliness here and there xD