#songfic mathilda by harry styles

[engie-ivy]

wolfstar prompt with the song little freak by harry styles?

(@jessiefleming First of all, thank you for introducing me to these songs! I didn't know them, but absolutely loved them and have listened to them so much afterwards. Which is also why this took me sooo long, I just couldn't come up with a fic good enough to do one of the songs justice😅 Still don't think this one does, but I hope it's okay! Sorry for the wait!)

Trigger warning: child abuse

Inspired by the song Mathilda by Harry Styles

Though Sirius Black was James' best friend and Remus’ first love, apparently he didn't think he owed them more than a phone call from the airport before leaving for good. Just a phone call, never an explanation.

Years pass with Remus thinking about Sirius Black less and less. Until Orion Black gets involved in a great scandal, and the fall-out reveals some shocking truths about the Black family, which put everything in a new perspective.

Leaving And Growing Up

Remus was sixteen when he last saw Sirius Black.

They were high school, and it was summer. Remus remembers how full of anticipation he had been. Something had been brewing between Remus and Sirius, and it had felt like there was some sort of unspoken agreement that that summer was going to be their summer.

And it all started so wonderful. Picnics at the park where they were sitting so close their legs were brushing, swimming in the lake with looks that lingered too long, Sirius riding his bike with Remus sitting at the back holding on slightly too tight.

But then there was the phone call.

“Hi. It’s me.”

“Sirius! What’s up? I’ve hardly spoken to you this week.”

“N- nothing much. I- I’m just…”

“Sirius? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, it’s all alright. I’m... at the airport right now.”

“The airport? Are… are you going somewhere?”

“I’m leaving, Remus.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“...why didn’t you mention before that you were leaving for the summer?”

“I’m not.”

“But you just said…”

“I’m leaving for good, Remus.”

“How… how do you mean?”

“I’m sorry, Remus.”

“But why?”

“I can’t… I’m not… I just have to.”

“Sirius, I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry, Remus. I’m sorry.”

Remus had been a right mess after that. Sobbing when he saw a happy couple, curling up in bed with a stash of chocolate, listening to sad music or watching romantic movies that only made him more sad. In short, he had been a teenager who just suffered his first heartbreak.

Remus had crying and talking to his friends a lot. Mostly Lily. Whenever he mentioned Sirius’ name around James, he would completely shut down. He had, after all, been hurt in not quite the same, but a similar way. He and Sirius had been practically inseparable, and then Sirius had gone and left without an explanation or even saying goodbye in person.

But Remus was the one who had let himself believe there had been something more than friendship. After Sirius left, Remus had spent weeks trying to convince himself that he had misread the situation, that it had been all in his head, that Sirius simply hadn’t cared that much.

Now, the days when Remus thought about Sirius every day, when he could burst into tears simply because the sky had the exact same shade of grey as Sirius’ eyes that day, were far behind him. That’s just how those things go, you grow up and move on.

Which doesn’t mean there won’t always be something special about Sirius Black. You just never love the way you love when you’re in love for the first time, when you go in without any restraints and give yourself completely. After your first heartbreak, there’s always a sense of caution, always something you hold back.

Remus must admit, lately, he’s been thinking about Sirius Black more often. Though that isn’t strange, with how the name Black has been circulating in the news lately.

Orion Black and Lucran Lestrange, both well-known, successful business men, had always been business partners, and old friends on top of that. However, when Antonin Dolohov was arrested for fraud, both Black and Lestrange wanted to take over his company, and it lead to a massive fall-out between the two men. They became embroiled in a very public dispute, that was mostly fought out through the media, with both sides engaging in dirty smear campaigns against the other.

And people can’t get enough of it.

They can’t get enough of seeing the men, who always seemed so poised, so dignified, had such an air of being far above everyone else over them, sink so low as to publicly trash each other and air each other’s dirty laundry.

Remus doesn’t care much for it. To him, it’s all a bunch of rich people drama. He knows that it involves Sirius’ father, but he’s never met the man. Maybe that should’ve been his first hint that Sirius just wasn’t that serious about him; he never introduced Remus to his family.

Remus hears the door open.

“Rem, you home?” James calls out from the living room.

“In the study,” Remus replies.

He doesn’t look up from his thesis as James walks in. “Have you heard?” James asks.

“Heard what?” Remus replies absentmindedly. “Did some team I’ve never heard about beat some other team I’ve never heard about in some game I don’t know the rules of?”

“No,” James says, and the tone of his voice makes Remus look up. James looks solemn and his jaw is tight. “I mean the latest development in the whole Black/Lestrange situation.”

Remus makes a face. “Since when do we care about rich people drama?”

“No, I mean...” James shakes his head. “Never mind, you clearly haven’t heard, or you would know what I’m talking about.” James pulls out his phone, searches for something, and slides the phone over to Remus.

Curiosity peaked, Remus picks up the phone and starts to read the article on James has pulled up.

Respectable Family Man or Aggressive Abuser: The Dark Side of Orion Black

The public feud between Orion Black and Lucran Lestrange has just reached a new low. Yesterday, a document containing damaging revelations about Orion Black’s private life, now knows as The Black Pages, was delivered at several major media outlets.

The Black Pages contain documentation from Child Protection Services, classified police reports, and several medical files the oldest dating back approximately eight years. And to say that they that they place Orion Black in a negative light would be an understatement.

So, what do these pages tell us?

Overall, they paint a picture of ongoing violent behaviour from Orion Black towards his two sons, and especially his eldest son, Sirius Black, eventually escalating on July 27th six years ago to the point where the children, then aged 14 and 16, were removed from the house on police orders.

A look at the documentation from Child Protection Services tells us that two years prior to the escalation, the bureau had already received multiple alerts indicating potential mistreatment of the children. A teacher of Sirius Black, Ms M. McGonagall, alerted the authorities that she had noticed something was off regarding the boy’s homelife, a cousin, A. Black, went so far as to warn the authorities that her uncle was abusing his children, and also a nurse at St. Mungo’s Hospital blew the whistle after she had treated Sirius Black for suspicious injuries several times and did not trust the situation.

“Sometimes these warning signals are missed,” Bathilda Bagshot, forensic psychologist who holds a PhD in child protection and regularly advices the authorities on how to deal with difficult situations involving minors, tells us. “In a bureaucratic system, when different alerts come in from different sources and are processed by different people, in some cases they are not put together, and a potential harmful situation can be overlooked.”

However, according to the reports, no action was taken. Only when, on that July 27th, a violent altercation between Sirius Black and his father escalated to the point where the boy ended up in the hospital, the police was called.

According to the police report, Orion Black agreed to have his sons removed from his custody and placed in the care of their uncle and godfather, Alphard Black, who lives in France, but was visiting at the time, and offered to take the children. In return, besides having to pay a fine, no further charges were pressed against Orion Black.

“It could be that getting the children out of that situation was their first priority,” Bathilda Bagshot comments. “And once that goal was achieved, they decided there was no need for further action. Though the evidence of misconduct from Orion Black’s side seems so strong, that it certainly is strange he was not prosecuted and faced no further consequences. Though, the amount of money Orion Black paid the police force as his so-called ‘fine’ may have had something to do with that.” A spokesperson of the police informed us that they are looking into the matter and are not available for comment until more is clear about this specific situation.

While no one from Flucran Lestrange’s side has been willing to comment, it is widely assumed that The Black Papers come from their team, most likely collected by private investigators and bribery of corrupt employees with access to classified information, and spread in an attempt to further smear Orion Black’s name. “A successful attempt,” Bathilda Bagshot admits. “Though I’d say it’s a shame this public feud is being fought over the backs of these children, young adults by now.”

Editor’s note: At this moment, the authenticity of the files in The Black Pages is still being investigated

Remus looks up at James with wide eyes, all the colour drained from his face. “Is this... Is this true?”

“Like the article says,” James says. “They’re still checking the files on their realness, but... Well, it makes sense now, doesn’t it, Remus?”

“You’re telling me now? Like this?”

“I wish I could’ve...”

“You could’ve! You could’ve told me sooner! You could’ve said goodbye in person! Not like this, not a call from the bloody airport!”

“I didn’t mean for it to be like this, Remus.”

“Then why?”

“I didn’t want you to... I thought seeing you would be too... I’m sorry, Remus. There’s nothing else I can do.”

“It does make sense,” Remus whispers. “God, but it does.”

“Could we have known?” James asks. “Were there signs that we missed? Should we have known?”

Remus closes his eyes and allows himself to think back at that time like he hasn’t allowed himself in a long time.

Remus and Sirius riding their bikes side by side, their bikes shaking when they ride onto bumpy terrain.

Sirius grimacing and pressing a hand to his ribs.

Remus glancing over at him, “You okay?”

Sirius telling him “Yeah, just a little sore from football practice. No big deal.”

Sirius lifting his arms to tie up his hair, his shirt riding up revealing a bruise on his abdomen.

Remus asking “What’s that?”

Sirius smiling like it’s no big deal, “Just a little scuffle with Reg.”

The smile never reaching his eyes.

Remus opens his eyes and presses his palms against his legs to stop his hands from trembling. Like puzzle pieces falling into damn place.

Remus is still trying to process everything as he and James sit in his living room together.

“There were signs,” James concludes. “So how come none of it seemed especially alarming till now?”

“We were children,” Remus replies. “Moreover, we were children from safe, loving families who couldn’t even comprehend something like that even being possible. It just... would’ve never occurred to us.”

James doesn’t look satisfied with that answer, and to be honest, neither is Remus.

James shakes his head. “We were the closest people to him back then. Good god, he was like my brother! And I just allowed him to be on that situation.”

“It must’ve been so lonely,” Remus says softly. “Keeping all of that to himself.” Why? He thinks. Why didn’t he trust us?

Over the next weeks, it’s not only Orion Black’s name that’s been going around in the media, but also Regulus’ and, most of all, Sirius’. Remus learns what he never thought he would ever learn: details of Sirius Black’s life from after he left.

Sirius and his younger brother Regulus moved to Paris with their uncle Alphard, where they both finished high school without a problem, despite everything they had been through. Sirius studied Medicine, and afterwards, went to travel world, while Regulus actually came back to London to go to law school. Remus tries not to feel hurt by that, none of this is about him after all, but he can’t help the sting he feels at knowing that, while Regulus came back, Sirius never did.

“It has always been my wish to hold them accountable for what they did.” The young man is wearing a proper suit and his short, dark hair is neatly styled. He had a haughty air about him and seems calm and confident.

“But my brother wished to leave it in the past and keep it out of the media, and I have always respected his wishes. Well,” he says, calmly looking around at all the cameras and reporters around him. “It would seem that keeping it out of the media is no longer an option. As nothing is holding me back now, I am going to sue my parents for what they did to me and my brother.”

He now looks straight into the camera and a fierce shine appears in his eyes. “They will take responsibility and they will pay for what they did.”

Next to Remus on the couch, James shudders. “I would not want to face Regulus Black in a courtroom! Orion and Walburga Black should be very, very afraid.”

“Yeah,” Remus agrees. “I wouldn’t want to be them right now. I do hope he squeezes them for all they’re worth.”

The next time James walks into Remus’ apartment and asks “Have you heard?”, Remus has, in fact, heard.

Sirius has agreed to testify in his brother’s lawsuit, which means, that for the first time in six years, Sirius Black will be coming back to London.

“You want to what?”

“Talk to him,” James replies from where he’s pacing the room. “I have all these questions, Remus! Could we have known if we had paid better attention? Was there a reason he felt like he couldn’t tell us? Was there something we could’ve done differently? I can’t stop thinking about these things and I need to ask him.”

“I understand that, James. Really, I do, but he’s coming for this lawsuit, and to support his brother. He’ll need to prepare his statement and prepare for the confrontation with his parents, and there’ll be lots of reporters and lawyers demanding his attention. Do you really think that’s a right time to go and bother him with our questions?”

“It’s a horrible time,” James states. “But it’s also the only time we’ve got. The only time we’re going to know where he is at what exact moment.”

“And the rest of the country with us,” Remus points out. “With all the craze surrounding him, many people are going to want something from him. Do you really think they’ll just let anyone walk into the courthouse and knock on Sirius’ door?”

“They’ll let press in,” James states. “I am press.”

“You’re a sports reporter!” Remus argues.

“If I show the security my press card, they’ll let me in. They won’t ask if they can read some of my work first.”

“I don’t know, James.” Remus shakes his head. “An attempt like that sounds kinda stupid and most likely to get you in trouble.”

James grins. “Well, then it’s perfectly fitting for how it used to be with Sirius and me, innit?”

“Kinda stupid and most likely to get you in trouble?” Remus asks, and then blinks. “Well, yeah, I guess that does sum it up.”

Remus doesn’t fully comprehend James’ plan actually worked until James and he slip into the room and quickly close the door behind them.

Remus remembers Sirius was good-looking. Of course he does. As a smitten sixteen-year-old, he has spent quite some time thinking about just that. And if his memory wasn’t enough, the photos of a young Sirius the tabloids and television have been showing were a good reminder.

But even though he knows Sirius was handsome as a boy, Remus quickly realises he’s wholly unprepared for how absolutely gorgeous he is as a young man.

Sirius whirls around from where he was looking out the window, and Remus gapes.

Where Sirius used to be rather skinny (oh god, was that also a sign they missed?), he’s now lean and muscular. His hair is still long, and his grey eyes still have that same piercing gaze, but his features have gotten sharper, more elegant.

Another realisation Remus has when standing there, in a backroom of the courthouse, across from Sirius Black for the first time in six years, is that he has been so focused on getting here, not really expecting to succeed, that he hasn’t thought about what to actually say to Sirius. What if Sirius is actually mad? (You were supposed to be my best friends, but you never did anything to help me, to absorbed in your own lives to even notice.) Or, the worst possibility of all, what if he’s completely indifferent? (Okay, so we used to go to school together, so what? I’ve got more important things to think about right now.)

“Ehm, hi,” James says, and it’s clear he hasn’t thought this far either, though James is never one to think too far ahead. “I don’t know if you remember us-”

“Jamie! Rem!” Sirius seems to have shaken himself out of his stupor, and he flings himself at them, wrapping them both in a hug, one arm around each of their necks. “God, it’s good to see you! I was hoping to I would! I figured it’d be nice to have a reminder that there were good things here as well, y’know? I tried to look you up, actually. I found James is now a sports reporter, but no addresses. I thought about going by James’ workplace, but I was worried that’d be too much.” Sirius lets go of them and pulls back a little, looking at them uncertainly. “I was afraid you’d still hate me...”

“We could never hate you, Sirius,” Remus says, having finally found his voice. “But good lord, did we try! You suddenly left, and I was so hurt, and so, so angry. But then, all of the sudden, this whole story comes out, and now I don’t know what to feel anymore.”

“Yeah, mate,” James says. “I could’ve never imagined that when I would see you again, it would be in a courthouse after having sneaked in with an army of reporters.”

Sirius lets out a dry chuckle. “Why, James, you should’ve known I’d go for a dramatic reappearance!” Then he shakes his head. “But I guess this is all a bit much, yeah.”

“Mr Black!” A man in an expensive suit opens the door. He briefly frowns at Remus and James, before turning his attention back to Sirius. “Your brother requests your presence to go over your statement one more time.”

“Thank you, Bones. Tell him I’ll be right there.”

The man leaves again, and James shakes his head in wonder. “My, little Reggie Black has gained quite some confidence, hasn’t he?”

“He has,” Sirius says proudly. “But,” he adds with a frown. “Before it gets out of hand I will tell him that this was the first and the last time he has sent his attorney to fetch me. There are limits, after all.”

“You have a lot going on right now,” James says. “We should leave you to it.”

“What about coffee?” Sirius quickly asks. “Can we meet up for coffee tomorrow? Is The Three Broomsticks on Twelfth Street still open?”

“It is, that’s perfect!” James smiles. “We’ll see you there at eleven!”

He turns towards the door, and Remus moves to follow, throwing one last look at Sirius, but then he sees the way he’s wringing his hands, how his shoulders are set, and the tension in his jaw. He’s nervous, Remus thinks, and before he has given it any conscious thought, he moves forward on instinct and wraps Sirius in a tight hug wrapping his arms firmly around him.

After a moment of surprise, Sirius hugs him back, and Remus can feel his tension melt away. “Something bad was done to you,” Remus whispers. “Something that never should’ve happened, and you no longer have to pretend it’s alright. You can now tell the world your story.”

When Remus pulls back, Sirius looks at him with an expression Remus can’t quite define, but some of the anxiety in his eyes has made way for determination, and he gives Remus a grateful smile.

Remus ignores the look James gives him when he joins him at the door.

Sirius is perfect.

He comes across as likeable and charismatic during his testimony, and when he speaks, everything he says seems sincere and he gives clear and coherent answers.

The next morning, Remus is sitting with James at a table in The Three Broomsticks, waiting for Sirius.

Waiting for Sirius.

That still seems so surreal, Remus can barely believe it, can barely believe Sirius will actually walk through that door and join them.

But then he does.

Sirius steps into the cosy café, which is immediately followed by staring, pointing and whispering from the other guests. Sirius looks around searching, and when his eyes fall on James and Remus, his face lights up in a bright smile and he waves.

Remus feels something stir inside him. Convincing himself he has moved on and Sirius Black actually never cared that much anyway, is a whole lot harder with the man being right in front of him.

“Hiya!” Sirius says cheerfully. “I hope I’m not late?”

“Not at all,” Remus replies as Sirius sits down. “You’re just in time. We already ordered some tea and toast.”

Sirius beams at him and it strikes Remus how he is so much like he was before. Just more handsome.

“So...,” James begins, as everyone has a cup of tea. "I’ve been thinking a lot about before, when we were your friends. It’s probably none if my business, but it’s just been on my mind, and I keep having these questions. I guess the most important question is was there anything we could’ve done? Any signs that we missed? Was there something we did that made you feel like you couldn’t tell us?”

“Goodness, no!” Sirius exclaims. “If anything, you were too great.”

James and Remus look at him in confusion, and Sirius explains. “When I was with you, it was the first time I felt like I belonged. I could pretend like all that, father and mother, their rules and expectations, like all that didn’t exist. If only for a moment, I could pretend. I guess I just didn’t want to taint the one good thing I had in my life by bringing them into it.”

Remus supposes that makes sense. “It were two different worlds for you that you wanted to keep separate.”

Sirius nods. “I wasn’t lying or pretending when I was with you. I was genuinely happy during those times, I need you to know that. It was never an act.”

Remus hadn’t realized how much that had worried him until now, now that it feels like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. Their time together had been real.

With the tension out of the air, they naturally fall into comfortable conversation. Remus talks passionately about his PhD project, with Sirius looking at him with his head resting on his hand and a small smile on his face. James tells Sirius he got Lily to agree to go out with him before graduation, and Sirius hands him ten quid, and James tells him all his funny anecdotes from meeting and interviewing famous athletes. Sirius shares stories about living with his uncle, who was wholly unprepared to suddenly have two teenagers in his house, but did his best anyway, and he talks about his experiences while traveling the world, James and Remus listening with fascination.

It feels like how it was.

After some though weeks, Regulus wins his lawsuit. It’s a civil suit, not a criminal suit, so their parents won’t be facing any jail time, but they need to pay some very significant compensation to their children.

Remus knows Sirius doesn’t care about the money. What matters to him is that an impartial judge listened to his story and said ‘This was wrong, no one had the right to do this to you, and you didn’t deserve this’ for the whole world to hear.

After the judge gave his verdict, Sirius runs towards Remus and throws his arms around his neck. Remus doesn’t know for sure what he whispered as he hugged Sirius, but it must’ve been something like “you’re so strong, so brave, I’m so proud of you”.

It’s only later, when they left Sirius and Regulus to finalize some paperwork and he’s sitting in the passenger seat of James’ car, that he realises Sirius ran past Regulus, his uncle Al, his cousin Andy, James, his attorney, everyone, to fall into Remus’ arms.

It gives Remus a strange feeling in his chest.

Sirius throws Regulus a party that night to celebrate his big win.

At some point, Remus and Sirius are standing outside on the balcony, getting away from the crowd for a moment.

“You know, I really I thought I could let it go by just putting it in the past,” Sirius says, looking out over the city. “Move on and live my life without thinking about it, go and see the world, pretend it never happened. But this... Coming back here, telling my story, confronting them,-” he turns to look at Remus “-not giving them so much power that they can keep me away from also the good things that I left here, this is how I can truly let them go, truly know that they won’t hurt me anymore.”

“You are so strong,” Remus whispers before he can think about it. “You have shown me such power.”

Sirius chuckles. “I’d think it’s more thanks to Regulus’ power of persuasion than my strength.”

“Not just now,” Remus says, shaking his head. “Also back then. I didn’t know the situation back then, but maybe that’s why. You’ve always been such a great person. Things must’ve been so rough at times, so cruel and unfair, but you never let that stop you, let them stop you, from being good. You always made people laugh, you were always ready to help others, and you always had this smile, bright enough to bring light to the darkest of days.”

“It was easy,” Sirius immediately replies. “To smile. Whenever you were around, it was always easy.”

Remus has to look away from the intensity of Sirius’ gaze. “I wish we could’ve somehow... stayed in touch.”

“I thought it would only make it harder,” Sirius admits. “To watch from afar as you and James carried on with your lives, not being a part of it anymore. And I needed to carry on as well. I was always acting the way my parents wanted me to act, as not to anger them, or the exact opposite of that, just to aggravate them. Either way, I was always acting with them in mind. Never just for me. I had no idea what I wanted, who I was. And when I was with you and James, it was like getting a glimpse of who I could be. Leaving was my chance at a new start, and to really learn how to do things my way, I felt like I needed to do be doing it on my own. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Remus says emphatically. “Not for leaving, not for doing it on your own. Not if that was what you needed.”

“I guess I don’t regret it,” Sirius says. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you terribly.” He lets out a laugh. “Good god, I was so in love with you back then!”

“You... you were?”

“Of course!” Sirius exclaims. “Surely, you must’ve known?”

“I...” Remus says hesitantly. “I’ve been convincing myself for the last six years that I had misread the situation, that it had all been in my head, so that how I felt afterwards changed the way I remember that time. Now, I guess it’s hard for me to see things the way they really were back then.”

“The way things really were,” Sirius says slowly. “Is that I missed you terribly back then,-” He reaches out and takes Remus’ hand. “-and have missed you every day since.”

Remus’ breath catches as he stares at Sirius. Slowly, he lifts a hand to lightly touch Sirius’ cheek, and Sirius immediately leans in to the touch.

It’s strange, Remus thinks, as he closes the distance and softly presses his lips against Sirius’. How it cost him months, years even, to accept that Sirius hadn’t really cared that much and to move on from him, but how it only costs a single moment to fall back in love with him.

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