#th3memories
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27
Heated.
Ok regret of the day, buying McDonalds. Honestly I keep hoping that the fries would taste better but they just taste crappy... cries.
Anyways the real reason I’m heated is due to the fact of how people tell me shitty comments about my job and me at my job. Like a comment long time ago SS and eggwin told me was. “look I can be you, all you do is just stand there.” I know they mean it as a joke but sometimes I do take it sort of sensitively. Honestly yes I admit that sometimes I do just stand there, or sit there for a good 45 minutes and yes I do check my phone maybe a few times but just to see the time. However I can reason for that because wtf there are 4 fucking techs for Lames Jogan’s Ensemble. Other schools are lucky to just get even one, and hell all of these people have been teaching for years double digit years for all I know. What are they going to do let the newbie takeover and get to run the whole thing??? OF COURSE NOT. They’ll want the more experienced techs to speak. I mean it’s not the easiest thing. I’m mainly there to either give private lessons or to have that extra person for sectionals and make sure the kids are actually playing their parts. Although this year I feel as though I’ve been given more responsibilities which is a good thing!
Weird but I remember dickjob is first two years he just fooled around most of the time figuring out what to do, plus he was focused on Vanguard. It wasn’t til his third year where he was teaching multiple schools and finding his sense of worth. I mean for some of these people teaching ensembles is their LEGIT JOB and future in life. I see this as a side thing such as working in a coffee shop or part time job.
Although that doesn’t mean i treat it with the greatest amount of respect and honor one should for their job. I care about the kids I teach, the atmosphere I’m surrounded by, my peers, and co-workers. I truly do enjoy it. so fuck it whenever anyone says I’m not doing a great job. I’m one of the most diligent, dependable, and respectful employee they’ve got. I don’t know I felt like I had to get that out there. I mean for the kids they might be thinking wow, only 50 days left til dayton and getting to do the performance of our lives. Except for me it’s a countdown to the end of job I really do love. no matter how many times I complain about being tired, all their long ass rehearsals and when I say I hate it. These kids deserve the best.
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29
Future thoughts again. Last time in the bay, stress of apps auditions, family life and love. December come sooner please.
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Day 1 of Tour
7/21 who knew I'd be here at this time and place in my life right now. I never knew I was gonna be back on tour on a bus ride to Elko highschool to sleep for the night. This experience is exciting yet lowkey making me nervous. I hope at this point I'll find more confidence in the instrument that I'm currently playing. I really want to do well this season and have everything end on a good note. Not do anything reckless, not lose anything, be on top of my game, and enjoy this opportunity to perform. Hopefully it will all work out. Then I'll get to come back to my family and enjoy as much time as I can with them 💕
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09
the show is finally coming together. We just performed tonight in my opinion what was the best run-through yet in new uniforms and shields. It all feels pretty amazing. Our day went as planned getting to the corps hall at 6:45 am then traveling to hell i mean denair to rehearse then a show in elk grove. Best part was that my marimba buddy was there to surprise me!!! and cheer me on in the stands as my number 1 fan omfg. I was so thankful it was crazy to hear my named being screamed a bajillion times. Although in a way to make this all short and sweet I think I’m super thankful that people keep coming to support me at these events. It feels weird yet different that i come back from a year off to do drum corps again. most people just transition into the next season without even noticing what’s going on. Although for me it felt different but in a good way. Can’t wait to see what else is in store this isn’t the end of our show just yet.
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JUL03
jeezus christ to this point we’ve only gone through the norcal shows plus a week in san jose and I’m already super dark. This experience so far has been mentally physically and spiritually exhausting but I’m really enjoying it with the 10 other people around me. I feel like we do EVERYTHING together, eat sleep shower perform laugh stress anything. we are “the one” but “in pieces”. btw they love puns. Sometimes it feels weird being the second oldest but sometimes i don’t even feel it. Instead I have too much to focus on my own playing. Sometimes I even forget about the life I once had on marimba. It’s so weird. All I can ever do is focus on my sound quality, technique and timing on the xylo and bells and dtx. My parts keep me so busy that I really do love the runs and the show we have. Although it’s so nice to actually have a second to chill out at home. Just finished eating Bon Chon with all of them and yet we see each other AGAIN on our second free day tomorrow. In all honesty I love being with people but at the same time I love my free time and individuality alone if I know we’re always going to see each other. idk but this summer I guess wasn’t one that I really expected. I’m treasuring the time we have together but idk something is a little off where I’m not at the full peak of what my performance experience would be like. Maybe I’m just so used to it or that I’m just in the back not on the instrument I thought I would be playing on. idk.... Although I’m going to enjoy this time to nap a little!
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Ju07
Ok these days I don't mind the fact that I'm single. It's given me the opportunity to hang out with friends I haven't seen in awhile, do my own thing, and focus on working towards my goals. However just thinking about it when I do get a man of my own I'd probably spoil him silly. I feel like spending those times with MBD was a good practice run as to what I would do in the future. Honestly I'd always text my boy with silly puns, bake delicious treats, write corny meaningful letters, go on cutesy dates like picnics at the park, hikes, adventuring around the the city, or snuggling up to watch a movie together, be a little flirtatious and dirty here and there, support him to the best of my ability, appreciate him for his entirety including family, interests, dreams, and more. I'd want to be able to nerd out with him on games, manga, marvel, or basketball. Hold hands in public and give each other little kisses. Pick out the greatest presents for anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. I'm honestly very good at that because I like it to be homemade but at the same time something meaningful that they'd love. Be able to lightweight show him off to my friends and family. Lastly be able to just have late night deep talks and cuddling would be great. Boba and food all the time. The possibilities are endless. I just know when the time is right when I get those doki doki feelings and endlessly romanticize about my guy. It will be the best. I can't wait for when the moment happens cause it'll be amazing
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22
Sometimes I wonder will anyone that I know be cunning enough to find all of this? I mean in a way it’s not that hard to find but would they take the effort to read and understand what I’m going through in life? Scary enough though is what they would think about all of this. Although it really isn’t that scary. Everyone has thoughts like these I just end up voicing all of mine on here.
Aside from that, PCN is finally over... and damn what an experience. I always told myself I really wanted to join a musical back in highschool, but band never gave me the chance to do it. Mis padres always exposed me different things such as 42nd street, the chorus line, Music man, anything you could think of. I love it though honestly. So getting to do PCN was pretty great. idk tbh fuck all the other opinions people had about my show. I mean ok my friends are kinda lame yea I get it you can voice your opinion but really you couldn’t like anything about my show? I mean that explains why ya’ll didn’t even cheer when I came out. TBH when it was over I was disappointed no one cheered me on except for Twinny and my own mother. I mean yea ya’ll are having problems and shiz with your own life but for once could you put it aside and be there for me? I mean we didn’t even end up hanging out after because they were tired and already ate -.- it’s whatever. Although I’m glad I got a chance to meet new people make more friendships and have an experience I can treasure. It wasn’t the greatest of parts but I appreciate the thought and only hope papa heard me up there.
The after party was sick though lmao. never again will I get drunk 7-8 shots and a beer. kill me. no wonder I threw up 8 times. 8 shots = 8 yacks. yikes. That was the worst feeling in my stomach I’ve ever had in my life. I will definitely be staying away from alcohol for a good while for now. The feeling though of being at a college party chilling, dancing, being tipsy, yelling, laughing and talking about stupid shiz was pretty fun. although shoutout to our homie bravehufflepuff and her bf for taking care of us when it was all over. Truly appreciate it.
Lowkey what’s on my mind is the fact that I’m still in this drumcorps. I mean I should be proud I made it and all the stress I went through to get the spot. Except I can’t help but wonder if this was the right decision because it makes me go straight into college and I’m scared I won’t have enough time spent with my own family. Maybe if things were better, if life was more stable between us I’d have the confidence to go on. Although I can’t help but be constantly worried that I’m doing the wrong thing. mom says it’s ok but deep down I’m having a hard time trying to trust that. Sometimes I get so scared that she won’t be able to go on without me there. I know it’s going to be hard and I’m scared I ‘m going to make her keep crying. I just wish I knew there was a sign that if I left they’ll all be ok. my heart hurts and I keep crying myself. Not knowing what’s going to happen scares me in life now. I just want to know they’ll always be protected loved, and safe no matter where I am. Nothing else matters. nothing.
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19
its 1:38am and I’m sitting in the office on the floor. in a way hiding, getting away, trying not to go near her. I just don’t understand. where did it all go wrong. Did I do something back then to traumatize her? We used to play together every single day in the backyard. yea maybe I wasn’t the best but I appreciated her and loved her. Now it’s to the point where she doesn’t talk to me at all. god I know I’m not the best but I’m trying really hard to connect and break through but nothing is working. Before practice I get home and work up the courage to tell mom I made it in. I packed before already and I really needed to find bobby pins. I took the package that they recently ordered but no one touched yet. The she comes in getting all pissed that I’m taking them. and madre states “she’s finally leaving us” and all I hear left is Good leave already. I couldn’t take it anymore. I literally just went all off on her for the fact that I always do everything for her, pick her up, drop off things during school, tell my friends to help her, buy her food, buy her extra crap needed, not complain, ask if she needs anything, dont nag if she wears my stuff, Like HONESTLY. I’m trying really hard to just connect to her in someway. Then when I buy her boba it low key feels like bribing but then again thats only one of the ways we can connect... IDK.
Then RIGHT NOW I get it, it isn’t the time to really bother her since a student died. but I was honestly Shocked like wtf. Personally I didn’t know her and yes it might have come off rude saying “that guy’s gf died” I DIDNT KNOW HER NAME and she states to her friend and she is so annoying or saying that. LIKE LET ME FINISH. OF COURSE I FEEL HORRIBLE SHE IS DEAD. like it’s not like I’m trying to make fun of her. IDK honestly she is such a reserved emotional biatch that I don’t wish to be with. She over thinks everything, always crushes on a new guy, is nice to EVERYONE ELSE except her own damn family and thinks she is better than all of us. sometimes I can’t deal with her shit. and above all of this she takes me yelling at her as if I’m the crazy ass bitch who is going ham on her and looked upon as the crying victim. LIKE DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT WE CAN BE EMOTIONAL TOO. How would it feel if your family member didn’t treat you like a family member. Sometimes I feel like I have to make up the fact that I have a great sister when she doesn’t even treat me like one. Sometimes I feel like it’s a one sided relationship that’s not worth to keep up. I mean I love her and I wish one day she understands that I do this because I get worried. I hate when people say shit about her or make fun of her for the way she looks or might act. I’m scared if that ever were to happen, and I feel like all my hardwork is just seen through the shadows which she’ll never know of. It just sucks that my own family can’t act as a family back. IDK honestly I want her to go to my PCN but I’m not going to force her. and for once I’d just like a heartfelt apology back. I want to know that she cares. Instead she just sees me as the me older sister. yet when I leave this house all I can think of is that if I move maybe it;s for the better. She doesn’t need me. so why am i still apart of her life. I just get so worried. When I was at rehearsal all I could think about was what happens if something bad happens to her and it’s all my fault because I said horrible things. I did the same thing for papa and look where we are now. and I CANT HELP IT. it’s all my fault. I don’t deserve anything.
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17
Holy crap. I can finally say that this blog is true to its bio! YA GIRL GOT ACCEPTED INTO NORTHRIDGE!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO. I mean honestly I had an idea about it last week because the admissions woman said they would admit me into the system next week, but I wanted to make sure. First thing I did was login during history and it told me to change my password. I was pretty confused at first because I had no idea what was going on. Although it said I was finally admitted into the school! which I’m totally psyched for.
After class was over I was fighting the urge to scream so loud because I’m at another university for one and I just didn’t want to be weird. Later on I went to visit Lolo because I feel like I always have peptalks with him by his grave. I love to update him on my life and how the family is doing. I ended up crying because I’m honesty so thankful for the opportunity but scared as hell for leaving the family like I’ve stated SO MANY TIMES. even worst is that I keep delaying the fact of telling my own mother. I mean I will tell her when I see her but I know part of her heart is going to break...
Other than that I’m stuck this week dealing with PCN rehearsals because bruh it’s HELL WEEK. kill me but not really. I’m just getting super tired from being here every single day staying as late as 12-1am. Like this what the hell is going on. Although I’m making new friends and bonding with others that I haven’t talked to before. I’m slowly having it fall in place and for it to act like a family. I won’t deny the fact that I get annoyed with some of the others here and there but I guess I’ll accept the fact that they all want the show to be as good as it can be.
What sucks even more is that after this is over I have to deal right away with SCVC and leave this whole memorial day weekend to hangout with all of them. I have new music to learn and will need to practice my ass off to catch up. Hopefully I’ll get it all down and this summer will be worth it all. everything is moving by SO FAST.
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13
It's almost 1am, and swirling thoughts keep rambling my brain. For one I got a smidge of hope about college. A lady emailed me after calling in today saying that "the system will admit me next week saying an acceptance should be expected soon" sooooo maybe??? But I want to wait til the real deal. Then it got me thinking shit if I'm really in I only have less than two weeks here with whoever is still left. Soul sister might already be gone, I'm going to miss my family more than anything, and idk I only have three important people still with me now. Apparently Madre was getting pretty emotional before they picked me up from Dayton. I can't imagine what she must have said but it makes me cry so much more inside. Leaving Grammy already makes me emotional just thinking about it. Maybe it's the fact that she is much older now and I'm scared I won't be there to spend the days with left with her. Yet at the same time I want her to be with us forever. For sissy idk I always want to be there for her no matter what happens. Even though she doesn't always open up to me I know what's going on. Yet idk if she feels the same. I love the fact that I'm a sister and I'm forever greatful I still get the opportunity to be by her side. I just hope... she feels the same at least one day. Idk it's almost a year since papa has been gone and I feel like I'm just continuing the cycle since I won't be home either. Life is going to be harder not just for me but for each of them and idk if im ready to put them all through that. It reminds me of this play I'm currently in. The young girl gabby is stuck in America pursuing her dream while her family is deported and back in the Phillippines. I mean in offered to do so much good but that makes me feel so privileged in its own way... why am I rewarded with such a lifestyle when I feel like I don't even deserve it. Then it makes me sad again because I wish my papa was here to comfort me or at least hold my hand. Why do things get harder when you're older.
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Ma01
When I write in this and look at the bio, it says “my last year in the bay” but honestly I have no idea at this point if it really will be my last year. I’ve been waiting for what it seems like months and weeks to find out if I’ve gotten into my school yet. I have the grades, I was accepted into the music program, I have no probations, units are all being taken and accounted for, passing my classes, and dedicated to intending to register for classes at CSUN. except.... I haven’t heard back from them at all, yet this is really worrying me for one because I like to have my future planned out and at least kind of know what’s coming up next. However I feel like they are going to blindside me from what’s going to happen next and that really worries me. Another point is that this anxiety makes me freak out also about living on my own and just being away from home.
These past few weekends I’ve been away for awhile going for Dayton and camp. In a way it feels like I barely see my mom, grandmother and sister. I feel like I’ll being crying for days if I actually get in because I would never want to leave them. You think it would be easier since papa isn’t here anymore but it isn’t... I feel like it’s even harder. No one will keep grandma or mom company, especially them. Grammy is getting older and always needs help, Mom i want to be there for because she’s my mom duh. and jehlia idk... in a way I feel like she doesn’t need me anymore except for rides but she’s going to get her license soon anyways. But I would miss her lots tbh if I had to leave her too. Like I’m tearing up just writing about it in the public library omfg. In a way I feel like the world isn’t telling me either because it has to make me want to decide on a decision of what I truly want. I can’t be contemplating for the rest of my days about staying or leaving my family and friends. I have to make a decision. T_T Although I really do hope I hear back from them soon. In order to get people off my back and asking me questions.
On top of that though this past weekend I spent my time at Overfelt High school playing my ass off on the xylophone for a spot I really really wanted. Man the atmosphere of being in an ensemble to play with really good players can make you stress out to the max. I know that it was making me constantly strive to be on top of my game with whatever I played. From time to time I would make mistakes but it was just a matter of playing it off and trying to jump back on right away. In my opinion I came into the camp thinking I was prepared with at least 90% of the material but little did I know there were many things here and there that kept fucking me over! At most I came out with a rough 70-75% THATS A C!!!! HOLY FUQ. not good man not good. Even worst was that there was another guy trying out for the spot. let’s say his name was Stryke cause that’s where he performed with this past winter season. It’s a group in florida that went to dayton I believe. So yea juggling comments from 4 techs and trying to play better than this guy was an act all it’s own. For some possible chance of luck at the end of the 2nd day I was the one playing the whole time during ensemble with the corps. I literally asked Stryke do you want to go for it, and he said no it’s ok it’s all you. I was wondering like crazy. Dude I can lower it for you if you want and he just kept denying it. At that point I sort of knew what the outcome was going to end up being. Except I felt super bad because the guy ended up sitting out reps and not even trying to play. I mean ok honestly I’ve been in that situation before and know how much it hurts. Although idk... it was just a hard situation overall. but yea by the end of the third day they took me aside and told me “Sorry you will not be able to attend the beach this summer.” and.... I GOT THE SPOT!!! It was such a great feeling honestly, except I had to hold it in and be humble about the whole thing. Except the staff kept telling me that I was doing a great job and I finally felt proud.
Idk being there with SCVC was a whole different experience I didn’t feel like looking at the clock as often. Instead I was focused on getting better and learning what they had to tell me. They told me I had a really good attitude and that I’m pretty smart so I I would be a great addition to the ensemble :) I’m truly excited for the summer I’m nervous about all the work of pushing, and practicing to get parts perfect but I’m really going to work my ass off in order to get it all right! LETS GO!!!!! So freaking juiced. no more geph LOL just my staff of four who are addicted to hi-chew.
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23
And just like that another Dayton year over and done with. I really do love being apart of winter rather than fall. Reasons why are just because I'm surrounded by a much tighter and friendlier group. It's as if we can all speak the same language front ensembles and drum lines. Even going to Dayton is even better. Although I'm going to talk about my first Dayton experience as a tech. So be prepared for long long stories. Read at your own desire. Honestly I think the one thing that irked me the most was that I was the only one my age during this whole trip. A fucking 19 yr old hanging with old ass late 20-30 yr olds. Basically no one else my age RIP me. It made me think am I supposed to act older or just be myself and not let any of that kind of attitude affect me. However I guess I ended up having to assimilate towards it. If you can beat them join them. Fuck. Let's just say I got my fair share of drinks but no bad affects. Well one thing is for sure ya girl ain't a lightweight. Anyways practice days were tiring, the kids had a freaking 9-9 like wtf is this drum corps?? I even ended up burning and peeling like wtf?!?! Aghhh and I wore sunscreen 😭 then came the show days those were fun semis was probably the best day for me. Thankfully the kids made finals went from 9th-7th-9th so made top ten. That day we were blue to watch some really great shows like holy fuck MCM is amazing or their show is just crazy. Pulse I like the music ish and the show concept idk it's always so engaging. The bird show was meh. Sorry jota jota you still played well. RCC was interesting to watch like very interesting kinda liked it more than broken city TBH. Idk broken city confuses me sometimes they have really nice samples and a few of my friends in the ensemble so that's cool. And yeaaaa idk maybe I'm just not that much of a fangirl anymore. In a way I think it just gave me the motivation to get out there and perform again. At the end of it all there was always just a lot of waiting around which is usually what happens I mean at least grateful for not loading anything or having to be chaperoned ALL the time. FUCK that. Idk one thing that sure did get me super heated was the fact that we were trying to get ready for finals. Obviously we came back to the hotel to get ready change and look nice. I got ready right on spot and I was just chilling waiting to go down. I saw the message that they were going down but at the same time no one ever posted the time to go downstairs so it was never clear. Anyways I heard my phone ring and boba lover was calling saying in his serious tense/ mad tone "do you wanna go to finals or not" and I fucking ran out the door. I swear to god to tried to play it off as he was joking but it was so obvious he was fucking pissed that we were gonna be late. And honestly it wasn't even my fault we were sitting in that van for a good 5 min after me because my roommate Anna was taking her sweet ass time talking to kmtobia about Coachella and shit and didn't get ready til last minute so honestly wtf. But idk I got the vibe he was taking it out all on me!!! So WTFFF man, I mean honestly I would take the blame if we were late, if the performance didn't go well, if someone got injured. YET NONE OF THAT FUCKING EVEN HAPPENED!!! God fucking damn. He barely talked to me kept giving me rude vibes and shit so fuck that man. For the rest of the night I hung out with LOL and Anna watching broken city's lot and chillin in the stadium. It was fun greeting the kids and stuff after it was over and also got to see cernie-kins. Another thing but this was just my jealousy side was the fact that the kids liked biffany a lot during this trip or especially the girl seniors. I think someone fucking said "there is finally a feminine side apart of the tech staff" and I was like WTF AM I NOT A FEMALE?!?!?! Some bitches. And idk I mean they said it doesn't count cause we played with you. Idk I guess but at the same time that was shitty for me. Ok back to Biffany. What I've learned is that yes she is very feminine with her super high voice, and all her flirty techniques like holy shit if there is any other flirt like my boss it's her. Not that it's a bad thing but that's just what I learned. But fuck those seniors love her AND it was her birthday?!? So then it made her even more popular the kids even got her a ballooon omfg. I never get that shit. I guess it makes sense because she always messes around with them and is with them also 24/7 making them clean. And maybe it's an age thing. Lmaoo I miss my open kids. O well. Third point it's just weird that I wanted to talk about was the fact that boba lover and biffany were pretty close on this trip. I mean her flirting skills were high but what surprised me was that he was reacting back to her in a positive way. It's so funny to think because he would talk shit about her before especially in Fresno holy crap. Now they acted like two little love birds that couldn't get enough of each other. Like shiiiiieeeeeet. Who knows. I guess he deserves happiness YIKES typing that made me sound hella rude. Everyone deserves happiness. Idk I don't want to be mad at him at the end of the trip. Let's just talk about boba lover. Honestly at the end of this trip I told myself I can be annoyed and mad at him but once we leave and depart I'll get over it and seem like nothing happened. It's just knowing him for so long I've realized he has more good moments than bad. It's just when he is in a bad mood it's hell for everyone around him. He stresses out Too fucking much especially when it's a show. Like that stress is gonna kill you man!!! He honestly couldn't even relax at bargos due to the amount of pressure he was feeling for finals day. Like fuuuuck dude ITS JUST BAND. Haha lemme just say this. Boba lover you were really sweet but your harsh mad personality makes people cry even me sometimes.... "welcome to your tape." HaHaHa jk haven't really cried yet from him just hella mad. Next up was BT only thing was that I get super annoyed by his speeches. HE ALWAYS drags on saying too much information and losing the kids attention. Like dude get your shit together you make fun of retardation yet you fucking act like one when giving speeches to the kids. took forever that I almost didn't get to talk to them before finals. Bish. It's ok I forgive u. Although as for positive moments I think I've really grown to like Mr. Costco. He is a great boss way better than meldaughter. Idk at the beginning I disliked him during fall but I've realized that he truly loves the kids and everything they have to offer. He always wants to make the show better be better he loves his mom, he can hold his liquor unlike dummy boba lover. He is well known in the percussion community very sassy yet polite and is just great overall. Pretty thankful to have worked with him. Also S/o to LOL for grabbing me a drink and just actually talking to me during different moments. It was cool to get to know you better through this trip. You're cool. Most fun moment was cheering a toast with Vinceiesha at the hotel and chillin at bargos overall. Damn right I can hold my own I turn red but I'm still good. Although what wasn't fun was getting pimples from traveling and being Stupid shit sick!!! All I kept doing was coughing and feeling the mucus in my throat. Not fun at all!!! Idk I can't really think of anything else. I did go on a spontaneous DQ run for ice cream. Wasn't bad TBH. I just needed a getaway from all the shitters. Six days together IS pretty long. But yea overall this was my big summarization and rant on the season, cause probably and hopefully foresure I'm not coming back to teach or at least not for awhile. Idk honestly I still wonder why am I still here I feel as though they don't even need me. Ugh I shouldn't be thinking that but ugh idk sometimes it happens and I feel shitty. Whatever.
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16
Is this weird? I've said this before but honestly every time I go to church now I always end up shedding a tear. Then I feel so embarrassed for the people next to me because I'm crying. I hope no one notices. This time it felt and hit a little harder to home. I was literally bawling so hard inside and trying to keep it together on the outside but they just kept falling. I was reminiscing of the time our family would go all together in our Sunday best, sitting in the middle section and enjoying mass together. Then I kept picturing the fact that the last time I was at church for something big was papa's funeral. I almost pictured that coffin there and it hurt so much inside. I'm trying to move on, but I would give so much to just be able to hug and spend the day with him once again. Missing you lots
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07
Honestly I hate having that mentality where people always hype me up and then when whatever it is, is over, and I fuq up, I feel like I'm letting myself down and then all the other people who believe in me. I feel like all I keep telling people is bad news that keeps occurring over and over again with myself. I want to have high hopes and act super positive but what to the point that I get let down again??? In a way it's like Dayton '15 and we didn't even make semi's that shit hurt where we ended up shlumming it out for the next few days doing nothing... Ugh I hate that feeling, god why am I so hard on myself??? Is that just me???
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06
If I’m in a dark room, laying on the bed, and all I hear is rainy noises for sure I will fall asleep. This week hasn’t been hectic but more tiring. Although who can be sure I say everything is tiring.
Let’s start with work, idk these days we are heading in to dayton, and it’s a little different because the stakes are higher, I’m going to be obviously surrounded by the best of the best, players and teachers. Sometimes it makes me wonder do I even deserve to be there??? AM I worth it to this team. ok sometimes I think that. Obviously I can’t think that all the time or I’ll be totally insecure. Except that isn’t it. I think it’s just getting harder for me everytime a rep occurs idk the little things to look for. Most times I can always spot the obvious such as notes, and performance. Although when watching Biffany and boba lover, they can find little quirks and issues that make the ensemble so much better. Maybe I shouldn’t be too discouraged because they’ve done this job for HOW MANY YEARS and this is only my second. Except I want to become more active, although I don’t want to just be spouting out random shit to fill the void. fml.
Going back to yesterday, PCN’s practice was super deep. It didn’t make me realize how important the show is and is going to be. There is this one song call the black and brown and it speaks about the lives that are attacked on a daily whether it’s because of your color, race, or anything there will be that type of racism that hits you hard and ends up in violence type of matter. When performing that song I really felt it and I ended up crying by how hard it hit my heart and soul.
Getting back even FURTHER. I wanted to say this but literally I feel as though I have a 6th sense, or a really slow memory of remembering things. It all started when this white dude appeared at formal. At first I thought he looked awkward and cute and was a freshman. However I never really got back to the party to meet him. To my surprise 2 days ago he appeared at PCN’s practice apparently we’ll be working together to be playing the elder people. Then it hit me, his name was lucas and was an orientation O Team leader for my first day at CSUEB. lmfao. god has a weird and cruel twisted way of doing things like this to me. I feel as though he is tormenting me and taunting me with situations that will never happen in the future. Instead he implants it but won’t let happen.
Overall I’m a little nervous to be auditioning for scvc. I mean it shouldn’t matter as much but I don’t want to get cocky either. I’m going to give it my best and see what happens. Man to think though that I’ll be back out there performing in Indie and traveling across the country again?!?! holy crap. idk how to feel tbh. Excited but nervous cause I always miss my family like crazy...
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Ap01
It's so weird to think and treat their season as if it was my season as well. I mean I'm not the one performing but it feels as though I'm catching all the feelings that go along with it. If that makes any sense??? Idk maybe it's my inner performer telling me I miss it all. After the show at the staff meeting they kept making summer plans and all I kept thinking was omg am I even gonna be here next year. I wanna think about all the upcoming and exciting future things!!! But I can't because idk where I'll even be yet. Honestly I wouldn't mind doing it but sometimes I feel like 4 is a crowd and that biffany and boba lover are already 2 people out of 1 already. Idk. Earlier in the night when world was setting up their show turned out pretty well I felt the hype and I just couldn't help but smile seeing that they were having fun as well. When it was over for a quick second dickjob's eyes and mine met and idk from that second on I felt like I portrayed to him that fuck yea I'm doing super well without you in my life. Surprisingly later he surprised patted me and kevin on the back saying hi finally after how many fucking months. Yet I did not feel the slightest bit of nervousness at all. I felt comfortable and relieved. Who knew this day would ever come lol. Lastly idk if I'm reading too much into this but I felt like I was getting to know Alvarado niles so much better today. I know he is looking for a girl cause he is on tinder LMAO. And he always jokes around and wants to talk to me. But wtf man. Ugh honestly what is my ideal guy someone that looks like Yacob or movie guy, yet personality of Alvarado niles or jeezus. Yikes help me
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