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17caratstorytime-blog · 6 years

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Dear Diary...

Member: Minghao

Genre: angst?

Words: 2k

*A/N: I originally wrote this one with none of the boys in mind but apparently Minghao fits best? But feel free to think of any of the others in instead~ Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!* -Admin 🐯

August 24

I’ve never been one for diaries, but with you gone and constantly busy, I guess this will have to do for now. Hope you’re eating well and taking care of yourself. I wanted to be there to do that all for you, but we both knew that would mean having to leave school and right now, school is all I have left. Now that you’ve left too.

September 3

I walked by the coffee shop today. Twice, actually. I went in the second time. Ordered your normal drink: a venti iced Americano with four pumps of hazelnut because you can’t deal with bitter coffee without some sweetness. Somehow, in the midst of the smell of ground coffee beans and fall spice, I caught a whiff of your cologne. Two seconds. For two seconds, I felt I was back in your arms, pulled tight against your body. Safe. Warm. At home. And as soon as those two seconds ended, I was back in reality. A reality where you’re not here in front of me, scolding me for ordering a frozen drink when the streets are already preparing themselves for snow. I won’t be coming back here anymore. Not unless you’re here with me.

October 11

It’s been a while. I got busy. Midterms, essays, school festivals and organization activities…but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been keeping an eye on you. You and the boys all looked amazing. The footage from the recent concert was absolutely astounding. You’ll never realize how proud I am of you. You were literally glowing. Staring out into the crowd of blinking lights overflowing with love, where you are meant to be. Of course, there is that dull ache within me that I can’t be there. I can’t be that for you. But, that smile. My god, that beautiful, blinding smile of yours, your teeth showing and your eyes squinting into tiny smiles. You’ve never looked so beautiful, my love. If it meant your smile could be like that every day, I’ll endure this separation for eternity if I have to.

October 19

It hasn’t been that long, but I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. You were the sun shining through the window, the warm comforter wrapped around my body on stormy nights. You kept me grounded, alive. It was never going to be easy, I knew that going in. Your eyes always drew me in. I loved them most without the contacts, you know, but being a member of Seventeen, you couldn’t really get away from them. But, those deep brown eyes that seemed to glow, they always landed me in one form of trouble. Be it running from fans, nearly getting caught by security, or sneaking out of the dorms to explore downtown in the dead of the night. I knew it was going to be hard, but each day I choke back tears. I try to smile, but it doesn’t reach my eyes anymore apparently. You’re out there, laughing, living, exploring with the people you love the most and I’m happy for you, but my lips are dry and my eyes are wet. And it’s all because of you.

November 7

Do you think, that if I never fell in love with you, that I could live a normal life? A happier life? Sometimes I want to turn back time and make it so I never touched your hand at the fan sign, waited ten minutes before leaving my friends to go to the restroom. Maybe I would not have run into you then. Maybe you wouldn’t have tried to talk to me and then accidentally spill water all over my shirt. I could have had a life without you and I could have been satisfied not loving you like this. Sometimes I want to get into a car accident. Wake up with amnesia and completely forget we were once an inseparable something that everyone was jealous of. Forget the way you’d pull me in closer by the waist and rest your head on top of mine. Forget the first time you tried to teach me how to roller skate, and nearly ended up breaking my arm because you forgot to teach me how to stop myself. Forget the way your lips would softly press against mine each night you came home, your sweaty skin and cold touch long forgotten in the soft passion of the moment. Why did you do this to me? Why did you love me so much that it became my source of survival? Why? Why? Why?

December 22

I…I don’t know what to say anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I loved you so much. I still love you. I will always love you. But, this has to end. Goodbye.

March 14

I’ve spent weeks looking at this, reading each of your words. How could you have thought this was any easier for me? That I didn’t love you. That I didn’t want to stay with you. That sleeping every single night without you was suddenly so goddamn easy. Did you really think you were the only one who was in pain? Did you think I wanted to fall in love with you just to leave you behind for so long, unable to contact you, to touch you, to hold you every moment I was home, to tell you how much you mean to me, how much I love. Why would you do this to me? To us? Can you imagine what it felt to walk into our home, where I was so sure you would be waiting for me, only to find everything of yours gone? Did you begin to despise me so much? You were thorough to take everything that was yours…but you left behind everything I gave you. From the hoodies…to the promise ring.

March 29

I’ve spent every single moment since I’ve come home just searching for you. The boys have too. We miss you. I miss you. I just want you back. I’ve counted down the days until I could have you back in my arms. Why must you do this to me? Why must I wait longer? Did I hurt you that much? Do I even deserve you anymore?

April 8

Your parents won’t tell me where you are, but they say you’re doing well. I’m glad. I’m relieved. You’re almost done with college, then you’ll be off to better things in life. I can only hope one of those things will be me. I may not be perfect, but for you, I want to be the best man I can be. Until I have you back, I’ll keep the ring here. I’m not giving up on you.

May 18

I saw you. At our old coffee shop. The one you stopped going to. Does that mean you’ve moved on? Am I just a memory now? My love for you is painful. I want to smile. To live and breathe. The way you seemed to be doing now, headphones peacefully plugged into your ears as you flip the pages of the novel you hold in your hands, worn from how many times you’ve read it. I’m not tired of waiting for you, my love, and I wanted to get up to you but I couldn’t. I had one chance, but I sat there and stared. I was scared seeing me would hurt you. That you would cry. And I cannot bear your pain. Not anymore. Not because of me. My songs, they will scream my yearning for you. My heart, it will continue to bleed for you, but your smile. I never will touch it again if it means you will keep wearing it.

June 16

I wonder if my love can reach you, if the songs spoke to you the words I wish to have told you, the words I have been burying deep inside me. You know, our Carats, they’re a smart group. They have me all figured out, but they think it’s another of the members. It’s driving them insane, but I can’t tell them our story. So, I will listen to these words. When you hear them, don’t turn away. Don’t turn away from my heart like this. I cry, I won’t lie. I try not to, but the pain in unbearable. How are you okay? Do you truly not love me anymore? I’ve yet to grow tired of waiting, but I’m scared you have already moved on. I thought I would be able to let you go, but I can’t. Call me selfish, I don’t care. Please. Come back to me so we can fix this. I want to be happy, but without you, there is no point of wishing. You’re all I need.

June 25

I held you. For ten beautiful seconds, I held you. I didn’t know you would be coming for dinner. You looked…astounding. You seemed to be doing so well. Finally graduated, you were beaming and telling the boys everything about we had missed. But, you would not look at me. You would not talk to me. You would not acknowledge me. What can I do now to fix this gap between us so we can go back to where we were together and in love?

August 8

You’re a complete idiot. A goddamn, brainless, spineless coward. After everything , this was all you could do for us? Happy without you? I cried myself to sleep in our empty bed nights on end. I stopped eating. Stopped seeing my friends. All I would think of was you and how much it hurt to let you go. For so long, it felt empty. Our home became prison. It was full of everything we were, everything I was desperate to have back…when I left, it was because I realized I couldn’t live like that. I wanted to breathe again, to remember a life where everything didn’t revolve around you. That day at the coffee shop, I saw you. You have a presence that’s hard to miss. I just wasn’t ready to face you. It wasn’t right…and so I pretended you were never there. But, not once did I stop loving you. I just learned to live without it so I wouldn’t get hurt again. And now that you’re home…I realize I don’t want that. I would rather risk it than losing you again like that. So…come find me and put that ring back on my finger. I don’t think I can wait any longer.

Minghao had just lifted the pen to begin writing, mind drowning in the thoughts of her. He was so lost in his own thoughts, he almost didn’t notice the page before had been filled had it not been for the marks of dried tears that breached the sheet before. The moment his eyes found the curves of the words etched in ink, they scanned each letter multiple times. It had not even completely sunk in when the diary dropped from his hands, fingers stumbling to grab the intricately designed metallic band he had gotten with so much love. Just for her. His feet had a mind of their own, already headed to where he was so sure she would be. Pushing through the evening crowd, his mind began to wander. The date, August 8, that was today. She had been there for lunch; when did she find the time to sneak into his room, through his belongings? His heart was pounding. Would she still be there? Is he imagining all of this? The concrete beneath his feet slowly turned into gravel as he made his way to where they fell in love and began their life together, the grassy field leading to their old apartment complex. His eyes yearned to see her, shifting focus from area to area in search of her. It felt like ages when he finally found her, but she had yet to notice him. The door to their old home was open, as though already expecting his arrival. That’s where he found her, leaning against their kitchen counter as she stared out the back window As though feeling his stare, the girl turned around. Her dark eyes went wide for a moment before turning soft, taking in his heaved posture and messy hair. Pink lips curved into a bittersweet smile, her full attention was now on him before the words he ached to hear came out of her mouth.

“Welcome home, my love.”

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melancholic-seas · 7 years

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I Will Always Find You | Chikako | RE: Kayla, ATTN: Kayla

Chikako's mind calls to her in ways she had never anticipated. The scratching, clawing thoughts to unleash a primal rage at those who voted for Kayla, despite having voted for Sango, even as Sorrel admitted to committing their own crime. What was different about that? Oh right, the alternative to killing Kayla would be killing a person who's caused nothing but sadness.

"Cowards." She spits out from her podium, still staring at the floor. "Deciding something so idiotic. You're all just spineless, brainless filth who are shackled by your human tendencies. You see a way to overcome your obstacles and run from it. I can't believe you....scum."

There are other, more reasonable thoughts being dulled and reprimanded. Thoughts she would have originally considered the most logical and advantageous to have. That Kayla killed Vera regardless of anything else, that human romance and connection only sought to bring pain.

At this point, Chikako merely wishes she could reject this humanity of hers. It poisons her, it infects her.

She hurries over to Kayla, holding her in a long, long embrace, and wiping the tears from both of their eyes as Kayla speaks.

"You're not going away for too, long, Kayla. I'll find a way to get you back. I can do that! I'll write down what I have, You aren't going to be gone. The executions are probably a ploy. They're just trying to toy with us. I know better. It's okay...I know better. It's okay. Please, you'll be back--I know it."

She hugs Kayla tightly, taking Yumi as well.

"When we get out, I'll find out what the Koschei Project has been doing. I'll make a better life for both of us! We don't have to be like this--we don't have to feel these horrible feelings. I'll bring you back. It'll be okay. Everything will be okay."

At this point, Chikako has given up on wiping her tears away. "I will not fall for what whoever is running this wants. Don't worry, please. This will end, and I promise I will make sure whoever's behind this is punished. They want despair? I'll give them their own."

She kisses the other, in one final act to her.

"You'll be right back, Kayla. I'll make sure of it." Chikako holds Yumi tightly, anticipating what's to come.

#ic #Chikako #Kayla #Trial4 #submission

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