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void-botanist · 1 year

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13, 17, 18, 27 for the weird writers ask

From this ask game.

These took a while to think about and write answers to.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy? I have a hard time with any kind of romantic relationship that is not A) already established or B) friends to lovers or C) both. I just don't understand how to make it go from 1. meet cute/first date to 2. real deepening relationship. Which was one of the downfalls of early iterations of Zel and Anni's relationship and also to some extent Triad (but Triad had other problems too). It probably stems from my weird brain plus just not having much personal experience with dating as opposed to, well, friends to lovers.

On the flipside, friends who have been friends forever - or act like it? Easy. Their dynamic flows and so does my writing.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

Oh boy. I have a habit of fitting those things into the text as much as possible and then deciding whether to cut them later. They often pull my story in a slightly different direction and honestly make it more fun. Because TFA is about androids and also differences between different places a lot of the transport and technology minutiae does show up. But here's some stuff that most likely will not (or is kind of meta):

Anni's current design is actually a merge of two characters. An Annie who was a Julian's niece and an android's co-builder existed in old drafts, and in Triad I briefly threw in a librarian character, Tavitta, who had an impeccable sense of light, blue, bow-laden fashion. She wasn't very good in Triad but I couldn't get that concept out of my head so I applied it to new Anni.

Monster trucks exist in this world because I think they're too fun not to and I'm not sure Dez realizes this until post-TFA when Syndy becomes obsessed with them.

I have a reference map that I crafted from my old childhood maps for this world plus some climate and weather research. It has a grid (which is basically latitude and longitude except not skewed for the curvature of the planet so…inaccurate) that I use to estimate distances for travel, time zone notation, and general climate zones (frigid, temperate, subtropical, tropical). It helps me keep my climates consistent and also showed me where Elbas Island has to go to not be in a hurricane zone.

I have so far done a bad job of integrating Dez's relationships with Mizzat and Imjen into the story. I've unironically considered moving his citizenship adventure to one of their locations, but unless I fully transplant Elbas Island (which disrupts everything about it that relies on remoteness) I don't think that makes sense. Unless one of the nAkkanswl have decided to be Good Actually and just hand out android citizenship which would be fun but also a very different story than what I have currently.

18. Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage.

The nawwen looked out the elevator door as they waited for it to close, but before she could raise a hand to signal them to hold the door, their eyes met hers and went huge. Then they leaned into a different button in the panel. She thought the door would close in her face as she crossed the last few feet to the elevator, but they were still holding the button and the door was still open when she got there. “Thank you,” she said, with the tiniest question in her voice. She was glad to be in the elevator, but she wasn’t really sure what had just happened there. The nawwen let go of the button and the doors started to close. “Of course,” they said in an accent that reminded her of her grandparents’. They still looked a little spooked by her presence, like she’d caught them at something. She gave them a smile and checked her node. If she’d gotten this wrong, she might never find Syndy. But the connection was almost at max strength, and it didn’t budge as they rose past the second floor, then the third. “Excuse me,” the nawwen said from the other side of the trunk. She looked up, slipping her node hand back in her coat pocket. “Are you Anni, by chance?” She blinked. “Uh…why do you ask?” “Because if you are Anni—Anni Chalbis—then you’ve just saved me an email.” The relief on their face said ‘email’ was an understatement of their narrowly avoided trials. “I’m Hoven, he-him, though I believe you know me as ‘the bookish friend’.” Her eyes widened as the pieces came together. “So you’re looking after Syndy?” Hoven nodded, then glanced to the floor number on the elevator’s screen. “We can talk in my room.”

This is from like the fifth major version of Anni meeting Hoven I've written, and it's one of the best. Not only is it just more interesting to have this accidental meeting, but Anni is actually directly involved in the whole setup instead of having someone else tell her what's happening or telling Hoven to reach out to her. She would have met Hoven anyway because he was coming to see her. But why schedule over email when you can get a weird connection request and then go on a hunt for a missing android?

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why? The most stressful in terms of "character is having a Bad Time" is Sid from Tales of Tobar Si (which I've been thinking about again recently. It's becoming interstellar sci-fi?). He's going through the early stages of realizing his parents are abusive and figuring out what to do about it and how to stay away from them. But the most stressful in terms of "why won't you let me write you" is harder to pin down. Zalen and Aza have both been difficult because I've had them as characters forever and I've been recycling them into new better characters that look basically the same. I've been slowly breaking my habit of second-guessing myself about all of Anni's POV scenes, especially about whether she reads too much like Dez. I think it also got easier to write her after I sort of let Hoven be the anxious one instead of her (they were both gonna be the anxious one. Not sure why I thought that would work).

Thank you for letting me ramble lol. I hope you enjoyed :)

#writing #ask games #weird writers ask #excerpt #rose brambles #rose writ #c: Anni #c: Hoven #wip: tfa

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anntoldst0ries · 3 years

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Diagnosis

I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who read my previous fic and left such kind comments. You can’t imagine how much I appreciate this!

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x f!MC (Vicky Valentine)

Word Count: 2,911

Summary: Dr Ramsey attempts to diagnose the most difficult case in his career...his own.

Warnings: None! A lot of introspection again and hints of angst :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ethan Ramsey considered himself a brave man.

He always had the courage to say whatever he wanted to say or what had to be said - be that a terminal diagnosis, savaging someone’s speech at a medical conference (only if the speaker was talking nonsense, that is), scolding an intern - you name it.

With years of experience under his belt, Dr Ramsey excelled at the “art” of saying the most horrible, unpleasant and inconvenient things. It was a process he took to pieces and mastered every tiniest part.

He knew exactly what they were whispering behind his back in the hospital corridors. Dr Ramsey is a bully. A ruthless cynic. No one survived more than 3 minutes of his tirades without bursting into tears. Or, as some of the interns so lovingly put it, he was “the only survivor of a heart transplant”. The last remark had been conveyed to him by Baz, who found it hilarious…and so did Naveen. It took one deadly look to silence Baz forever, however Naveen used every occasion to remind his protégé of hospital’s favourite joke:

‘How’s your heart, Ethan?’

‘Good, why are you as—‘ Ethan didn’t have a chance to finish answering the question, interrupted by Dr Banerji who was in convulsions.

‘God, Naveen, for such a bright mind and one of the best doctors in the world, I still find it hard to believe that you have a sense of humour of a 5 year old’

‘There is nothing wrong with some joy, Ethan. You should try it sometimes, it may do you good.’

Similar conversations took place on a regular basis, but they always ended with Ethan rolling his eyes and Naveen sighing. Younger doctor would never, ever tell his mentor off, he respected him too much. So Ethan let Dr Banerji have some fun at his expense from time to time.

But, truth be told, he kept his emotions at a leash and he was good at it, because there wasn’t a thing in Ethan’s life that he wasn’t good at. Regardless of what it was - saving people’s lives or emotional self-deprivation.

That’s why reminiscing past 2 years was so hard for accomplished diagnostician. He couldn’t help but think that he’s lived more during this time than he’s lived during his whole life. His existence wasn’t a boring one, he loved his job and the cases that the team had to crack were mostly complex and thus exciting. There was also a sense of fulfilment and servitude to a greater cause.

As a kid, Ethan wanted to be a detective. It all started with Alan buying his son one of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s books. There was no hidden intention in this choice - Alan simply ran out of book ideas, Ethan was literally gobbling up the books at his disposal and was thirsty for more. Therefore, Mr Ramsey picked picked one of the thickest positions available in the book shop, with hopes it will keep Ethan occupied for at least a couple of weeks. Oh, how wrong he was - 5 days later his son was already begging for more.

Sherlock Holmes and Hercules Poirot quickly took the top spot on the list of Ethan’s childhood heroes. He was obsessed with their investigative methods, their sharp minds that captured even the tiniest of details and how missing those nuances would make solving a mystery a lot harder, if not impossible.

That’s why he became obsessed with details. He analysed, compared, observed and noted down everything around him with deliberation. After a while, Ethan realised that these skills come handy in various areas of life. He could read people and to a degree foresee what their next move was going to be. If he wanted to, he could probably try and influence their decisions too. If it wasn’t for Alan’s upbringing, this particular skill might have taken his life onto a dark track, but fortunately he utilised it for greater good.

Having this sort of insight made him very self-conscious and he never turned away from reliving his own decisions and behaviours, which helped him become a better doctor, every single day. But he never wallowed in the mud of emotions, instead always operating on facts.

But for the past couple of months, this process became a pure torture.

You know what they say, the devil is in the detail. And the devil it was indeed.

The devil that would be the death of Ethan was 5’4, had raven hair, plumped lips, mesmerising eyes and a captivating laugh.

Suddenly, he heard the devil’s voice in his head.

‘Are you pinching the bridge of your nose right now?’

He was.

‘God dammit!’ - shouted Ethan, so loud that he startled poor Jenner, who resigned from occupying the sofa and ran straight to his bed. Even the retriever, in his doggy wisdom, knew that when his master was upset, it was best to stay out of his sight and wait for the storm to pass.

Whenever Dr Ramsey had a serious dilemma, he would subtly join his thumb and index finger to pinch the gentle skin between eyes. She knew of this somewhat subconscious habit and teased him about it countless times.

With most people, the whole observing and reading process was a one-sided game. For majority of mortals, Ethan was a closed book and they had no idea how to open, let alone read it. But not Rookie. She saw right through him. Ethan considered himself a riveting mystery thriller before, if we’re talking comparisons, but right now he was probably a cheap Harlequin. How did he sink so low in practically no time?

The answer came before he was even able to finish the question.

He was hopelessly, utterly and irreversibly in love with Dr Vicky Valentine.

“Victoria….” he whispered. He knew her full name, he’s read her bloody application and her employee file many, many times. More than he’d ever care to admit. Neither him nor anyone else addressed her by her full name. She always introduced herself as Vicky and even mentioned to him, June & Baz one time that she considered herself too young to be a bearer of such gracious name. But when the name fell out of his lips, it made perfect sense. Victoria. Victory. After a long, tough and heartbreaking battle, she’s won all of him. And man, wasn’t she fighting fiercely.

She was so much like him, and yet so different. Patients loved her, and for a good reason - not only was she amazing at her job, but also so genuinely caring about every patient she met. Somehow, she was able to see past people weary of their conditions, instead she always noticed the human beings with their unique stories. Thanks to her, patients never felt like sickness became their identity, but merely a stage in their life that shall soon pass.

Hospital staff adored her as well, she had time and a huge smile for everyone; her bright aura lit up every room she walked into and was a pleasure to be around.

Those who knew Ethan a bit better or worked with him were aware of the insanely high standards he was holding himself to. And it would have been fine if they only applied to him, but he held everyone else to the same standard too. It was his buffer. Most gave up without even trying, it was humanly impossible to live up to such expectations. And that was the goal. Dr Ramsey wanted no distractions and if anyone wanted so much as approach him, they had a giant wall to jump over first.

But the young intern wasn’t bothered in the slightest. Dozens of people before her stood in front of the wall and tried to figure out how to get in. And she… she just found a tiny gap and squeezed right through. Before Ethan realised what’s going on, it was already too late. And she wasn’t even fully aware of what she’s done.

Like air, she’s entered his life imperceptibly, filling every space until there was nothing else. She was in every reflection he saw, every smile, every freaking thing a reminder of her, one way or another.

He was completely under her spell, enchanted, drunk in the thought of her.

The most ironic part was that if he went by his unreasonable standards, she’d never stand a chance.

She was messy, she was a klutz, she laughed too loud and rounded her eyes like a child when something seriously excited her.

And yet, something about her made him break all of his rules, lower his guard and re-think everything he’s ever thought he knew and believed in.

Obviously, he wouldn’t be himself if the occupational quirk did not kick in at some point. Whatever the cause, Dr Ramsey had to get to the bottom of it, no matter how many tests did he have to run on his mind and heart. He needed the diagnosis so he could start the treatment. But his sharp diagnostic skills which made him a famous man, suddenly decided to go on unplanned vacation and it looks like they were not coming back anytime soon.

Ambivalence became Ethan’s newest companion. Some days, he thought he was going to blow his brains out, the others he was strangely content and did not want to analyse anything, things were good just as they were.

For the first time in his life, he felt truly lost. He felt like Jon Snow, he knew nothing. It wasn’t a result of one event, rather a chain reaction. Starting with Naveen getting sick, the inability to figure out what was wrong with his mentor made Ethan seriously doubt his capabilities as a doctor. Then, Louise Ramsey made a surprise reappearance after having walked out on him and his dad 25 years earlier. When he was little, his dad use to say that wherever Louise goes, trouble follows and it wasn’t any different this time. She brought company - insecurity, sorrow, resentment - to name just a few. Ethan felt like someone ripped a band aid from his heart and painfully reminded him that all the wounds are still alive and never really healed.

And finally, Edenbrook. The place that others saw as walls, glass, beds, people in white coats, sickness, illness, death. To him, it was much, much more. The hospital had almost a transcendental dimension. It was here that Ethan’s transition had been completed. He shed his old skin and became Dr Ramsey, the person he was always meant to be.

That’s why Edenbrook closing hit him so hard - a part of him was about to die and be buried beneath years of sweat, tears and effort. It was probably the hardest thing to come to terms with in the 37 years that he’s been walking on the surface of the Earth.

And throughout all these events, she was with him.

She never gave up on Naveen and Ethan knew that there was more to it than just saving Edenbrook’s most prominent doctor. He believed, he wanted to believe that she did this for him too.

The memory brought shame that drained off him like unpleasant wave of cold water. Ethan never really forgave himself for just laying in his bed like a drunk bag of potatoes, whilst she was busting her gut to solve the case, even though she had ethics hearing to prepare for. A hearing that could make or break her whole career, before she even had a chance to start.

Dr Ramsey would like to think they were alike. But as a matter of fact, she was a much better person than him.

Then, with his mother in the picture, she never told him what to do. Even though he asked, many times. He hoped someone can actually make the decision for him, because it hurt so much to even think about this, let alone decide what to do next. But she never did. She was just there and by simply being, she empowered him to make his own, informed decision.

She was there, like no one else was in his entire life. Not to take anything from Naveen, who had tremendous effect on Ethan’s life - but this was completely different.

She penetrated his soul.

She made him feel.

Love.

It was the first time he used this word in a long, long time.

And maybe, quite possibly, for the first time in his life he used it with intention.

He thought he felt it once before.

When he was a student at Johns Hopkins, Ethan met Camille. She was a year older than him, with angelic voice and looks, the cascade of blond locks surrounding her gentle facial features like a halo.

What impressed him was that she kept hitting up on him, not the other way round. He’s had his mind set on graduating as a top student in his class and then getting the best residency there was - in Edenbrook hospital in Boston. It was either him or someone else. University romances were of no interest to him, or so he thought. After all, he’s just gone past his teenage years and was relatively new to the world of intimate human desires. As much as he tried to push them away, he had needs and his hormones were still a giant part of his decision-making process, doesn’t matter how hard he tried denying it.

Also, there was something motherly about her and she reminded him of the woman who left him when he was just a boy. It was completely fucked-up, he hated his mother and yet a memory of her and how he’d once do anything for her was tattooed in the insides of his brain.

Ethan and Camille shared a passion for medicine, music and opera. A few times, he was close to bringing her down to Providence, to introduce her to Alan, his father. But there was this weird voice in his head stopping him.

Maybe that’s why he wasn’t overly surprised when one day he walked on Camille. In his bed. Screaming and making other explicit sounds…except, he wasn’t the igniter. It was none other than his best friend at the time, Tobias. Ethan would never forget the jealous glance he shot him with when he first brought Camille to one of the student parties. And then things got worse. Ethan and Tobias always competed and for a long time it was a fuel that kept them both going. But when someone wins, someone has to lose. Neither of them was good at losing or accepting the failure.

Ethan was doing better than his best friend. Not significantly better, the difference between them had usually been slight, but it was there. Tobias couldn’t swallow this. Not only was Ethan doing better than him, he also had one of the most beautiful students at Hopkins by his side. Jealousy started to spread inside him like a wildfire and since his attempts to beat Ethan at school were futile, he decided to make use of his other skills. Tobias was a born flirter and charmer. He often used to say that no woman can resist his spell and that “where there’s a woman - there’s a way.”

Dr Ramsey never told anyone, but having found out that his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend was sort of relief. Call it sixth sense, an intuition… subconsciously he sort of felt that she wasn’t a girl for him. As for Tobias, he was tired of the fight….of Tobias fighting with him, that is. Ethan wasn’t fighting, he was just a better student and was going to be a better doctor. He was tired of petty competition and how the toxin poisoned their relationship.

So they actually made him a favour and helped him killed 2 birds with 1 stone - he was saved from having an awkward break-up conversation that he’s never went through before and he now had every right to hate Tobias. He didn’t really, as such feelings were a waste of energy, but a week later Tobias moved out of their shared apartment and they never really spoke again.

After Camille, he was only in a brief relationship once. With Harper. He deeply admired and respected her, but when things started getting too serious (from her side), he distanced himself. And so, for a couple of years to follow, they were on the off and on again terms. They went through countless friends with benefits stages, but he genuinely enjoyed her company. They just never wanted the same things, which became more and more evident as she was getting older. And he respected her too much to mess her around.

Ethan’s career was everything to him and he accepted the fact that falling in love and having a family is just not in the cards for him.

Or so he thought.

Dr Valentine entered his life one September morning and hasn’t left ever since. And, hell, hasn’t he tried to erase her. To make her hate him. To draw a line between work and personal life. He could honestly say that he tried everything.

For the love of God, he ran to fucking Amazon! He tried to hide from all things Dr Valentine, like a fool who forgot one of the most basic rules of life: there is no running away from yourself.

Tag list (please let me know if you wish to be removed): @terrm9 @openheart12 @openheartthot @rookie-ramsey @alwaysmychoices @brooks-eden @drethanramslay @starrystarrytrouble @justanotherrookie @caseyvalentineramsey@incorrectopenheart @heauxplesslydevoted @perriewinklenerdie @mercury84choices @archxxronrookie @renasalek-blog @maurine07 @whippedforethanfreakingramsey @lemonmiddleton @tsrookie @choicesfan10 @dr-colossal-pita @queencarb @gryffindordaughterofathena @qrkowna @aarisa-frost @choicesficwriterscreations

#open heart #dr ethan ramsey #dr ethan jonah ramsey #dr ramsey x mc #ethan ramsey #open heart choices #dr valentine #play choices #open heart fanfiction #open heart fic #choices fic writers creations #fics of the week

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ofmythsandmadness · 4 years

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i need a favour - seven.

PART SEVEN - bullet wounds and wounded hearts. (or, in which, they’re just too eager for some relief from the pain that no one gives a shit about labels anymore). WORD COUNT - 3318. A/N - forgot i wrote this, forgot about it for months & here we are. sorry. i’ve not really had much interest in writing this or anything in this style on here lately, but i didn’t want to leave this totally abandoned. figured, there’s no point in letting it rot away, might as well post (and for some reason, there’s been a spur in people reading this, so.) START FROM THE BEGINNING - one | two | three | four | five | six

PEOPLE THEORIZE A LOT ABOUT COMAS. And more specifically, what they do to a person.

More specifically than that, where a person goes, once in one. What the mind and psyche creates for them, where and when they escape off to while their body falls apart. If they relive their life’s best and worst moments until they can return to reality, if they dream on continuously - like the world was just one bad trip, and waking up they would not even realise their sleep had lasted more than a day. Or, if the person’s aware of everything around them, just unable to open their eyes and rejoin life - but maybe that was something totally different entirely.

But it was nothing like that, for her.

There was no way to tell just how much time transpired, when out; it could have been an hour, a couple days, three years tossed down the drain, for all she knew. Time moved so much differently, lost in the hellish dreamscape of the inbetweens of life and death.

For the most part, she felt absolutely nothing at all. Not even a sense of drowning, or darkness, or anything around her; like she was dead, her brain was turned off, and really...nothing at all. The only way she knew she was still alive and things were happening was when her brain woke up just a little, enough to send her into panics she could not express. She still could not move or speak or fucking breathe on her own, but she felt the world crashing in, sluggish and deafening around her. People moving around her, voices, loud noises echoing like crashes and explosions that she could not place. It felt like she had been laid down in a warzone, paralysed from head to foot and forced into silence. Just waiting for her eventual death.

And the voices...she really could not distinguish most. Or if they were even real. She got flashes of familiarity, phrases and sentences that added up to only nonsense in her mind - threats of violence, promises, old memories so faded they might as well be someone else's. None of it made sense. It just made her feel more and more scared, and trapped, every time she ‘woke up’ again. Left her craving the still of death once more, waiting for its skeletal hands to cradle her trembling figure again.

Finally, however, she heard the first real sound in a long time. She left the stillness to a strange noise, not a voice but a repetitive beep that would not turn off. At first, she thought it was also in her mind and that if she just ‘shut’ her eyes, sleep would once more overtake her - but despite her mental protests, the sound wouldn’t stop. If anything, it got louder, forcing her forward until she could just about think of opening her eyes.

And then, the beeps were joined by another sound; soft, almost non-existent mumbles, or snuffling of something? Something alive, not a machine, but...Y/N wasn’t sure what it was at first.

That was, until she began to move. With all the strength possessed in her frail figure, she pushed her lids open, blinking away copious tears welling at the bright light and forcing her eyes to work again.

She found herself in a small, white room - and though her mind seemed a million miles away, she could sort of guess it was a hospital room. There really was not much around her, the bed being the main furniture. The beeping came from her right, and she was able to crane her neck just enough to see some sort of monitor, the sort she would have seen on a crappy doctor’s show. With flashing lights and graphics she really couldn’t make out and honestly just hurt her head. She turned away from that pretty fast.

To her left, however, was a different story. She found the other source of the noise; Diego was slumped over in a chair too bony to be comfortable, softly snoring away. Which was never a good sign. The man was a quiet, still sleeper, like he was always waiting for something to happen - but after too long without sleep, his body would collapse into emergency catch-up mode. She had seen it many times after he’d come to her. And he always snored then.

She sighed, letting her head fall back against the pillow. There was no pain, which she guessed was either good or bad (who knew what the doctors were pumping through her veins, eh?) but her mouth was bone dry and she felt helpless, like even calling out for Diego was a deathly trial.

Y/N craned her neck again, taking his slumped figure in. He was almost right next to her bed, close enough that if she could reach out -

-her hands shook like tsunami waves, crashing against his black jacket like jagged knives of limestone on a cliff. She just could not find strength enough to angle them right, finding herself only able to brush the man and hope he felt her touch from wherever he had drifted to. Forget calling out; she could only mimic motion in the barest of touches, waiting for something to happen.

Luckily, it only took maybe a minute for him to stir. Slowly at first, then when realising what woke him up, he was up in seconds. His hands met her own, squeezing tight.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he croaked out, voice hoarse and worn out - she could only imagine how much stress-induced yelling he had been doing. Begging for something to be done, snapping at anyone who tried to get him to move; the guy was all too predictable. “I just fell asleep, I-”

“-s….okay…” Her vocal cords felt rusted over; how long had it been since she spoke? Her hand left his, gesturing weakly towards her throat. “Wa...wa...ter?”

“Shit, right.” He left her side and grabbed at a glass by her right. Within a moment he was by her left again, bringing it up to her lips. His hands shook ever so slightly. “Careful.”

But she ignored his word and slurped at it eagerly, too parched to be ashamed at how childlike her actions were. Too long had her throat been forced dry - how long had it been since the relief of a glass of water?

Once she had drunk enough, she waved it away, doing her best to smile. “Thanks.”

“Course.” His eyes remained on hers, steady and dark. “How...how are you feeling?”

She glanced away for a moment to look down at herself in the bed, before looking back. Slowly, Y/N shrugged. “M’not sure...weird. I don’t know how I should feel.”

“Right. Well, you’re on a shit load a’drugs, so I guess that’s stopping the pain. Uh...you remember what happened?”

She frowned. “Sort of. More...I don’t know. Remember the pain...like burning, on my side. Talking...was there a Polish chick?”

Diego didn’t crack even the tiniest of smiles. “Ukranian. But yeah. She was with you when it h-hi-she called the ambulance.”

“Right.”

“Look, Y/N, I am so-”

Before he could continue, a new voice joined the duo, one Y/N was certain she did not know. She tore her eyes away from the man by her side to take him in; tall, gray-haired and smiling from ear to ear. It made her a little uneasy, the look; was this how all gunshot victims were treated? With doctors who thought big grins and happy tones were a good answer? If she didn’t already have a headache, she would by just one look his way.

“Good to see you up! Was wondering when that’d be happening.” He seemed to grin even larger, if that was even possible, and made his way around her bed. She watched him fiddle with something behind her, before moving into her view once more. “How are you feeling?”

“Um...weird,” she mumbled, struggling to find any words to describe the feeling. “Tingly.”

“No pain?”

“Not really.”

He nodded. “Good. You’re going to be hopped up on pain meds for a while, but just let someone know when you start feeling anything.”

“Okay.”

Once more, he nodded. He looked like a bobblehead, almost, in the ways his head swivelled and shook on his too-small neck. “You got quite lucky, I must say. Good support system. This guy, right here? Barely moved at all while you were out.”

Her hand squeezed a little, in Diego’s. “How long was I out?”

“About three days, after surgery.”

“S-surgery?”

His grin got a little strained, there, but somehow still remained. Impressive. “Yes. Yeah, we had to get you straight into intensive care after you were brought in. The bullet hit your right hip, just about here-” he grazed the blanketed leg lightly, “-but then travelled downwards into your leg. Which was somewhat good, you avoided serious damage to your hip, but it did nick your femoral artery.”

Y/N frowned, glancing down to where his hand hovered. She could not even remember feeling pain in her leg; it had radiated from her hip alone. “How...how did it go down?”

“Well,” the man sighed, “from what we could gather, you were at just the right angle for the bullet to go straight through the hip. Since it didn’t hit that bone - again, a lucky point on your part, it tore right through and down to your upper thigh. The bullet actually remained lodged, which made reason for surgery. If it had come straight through, well, I don’t know what situation we’d be in but you were very fortunate. Held you from bleeding out on us.”

Something about the emphasis on ‘lucky’ made her feel somehow worse. Like she was a kid all over again, and before getting the bad news, her parents had to amp up the few ‘good’ things about the situation. She really wished he would stop smiling.

“How much...I…” she weakly lifted her hands, gesturing downwards. “How much damage has been done? In simple terms...please.”

His grin shrank a little more. “Well, that’s a bit complicated. The surgery was a success, although there were several blood transplants needed to cover that hit your artery sustained. However, because of said bleeding, and the way the bullet hit, it will be a long recovery time. The leg muscles are built to be used, but when damaged as yours was, well - I can bring in the charts and explain this to you simply, if you want?”

Y/N bit her lip, hard enough to rip through. Absent-mindedly, she noticed the taste of blood, licking a bead of red off. “Long?”

“The timeframe is hard to estimate,” he said - and at least that time, he had the courtesy to look semi-apologetic. “After a couple days, we’ll check in and see how well the limb is functioning, if the muscles are healing properly. You should be able to head home by that time, if it's healing right. But I’m afraid you're not going to be able to use the actual limb for a while.”

Vaguely, from what felt like far away, she heard Diego curse. The doctor kept talking, throwing around words she could not understand, verbal warfare against her already panicking mind, creating a chasm of stress and fear inside her brain. She wanted to do something, reassure him, ask the doctor what she could do and when - but it was impossible when she herself was drowning in panic.

Where had Diego gone? Why did he feel so far away? He sat beside her, but his hands were fidgeting and his face tight, and she just wanted him to tease her, hug her, promise her that she wasn’t lo-

“-judging by your faces, this isn’t sounding great but I promise, you’re in the best possible case scenario. I mean, you got here at the best time, you’ve had the best working to put you back together. And physical therapy will be a big help, you’ll be recommended some top-tier-”

“-whenwillIbebetter?”

Her words were hardly a breath, leaving right along with the little air in her system, but Diego still heard it. He clutched tight to her tsunami waves for hands and looked pleadingly the doctor’s way. “Can we h-have a moment?”

“I-” his eyes darted between the two, before resigning to an answer. “Sure. A nurse will be in at five, with me. Let me know if anything happens.”

Diego just nodded and watched him leave. The second he was out the door, he turned her way, hands moving from hers to hold her face, brush away the tears quickly slipping down her cheeks. Blearily, she made out his own eyes, swimming with emotions she had not seen from him in a long, long while. “Hey. Hey, it’s - it’s g-g-gonna-”

“-I got shot,” she huffed, struggling to get the words out between sobs. “I got shot, I got - I can’t walk?”

“That’s not -”

“-holy shit, Diego,” she cried, and in an instant his arms were around her, holding her as close as he could to his own trembling figure. She tried to talk, but failed and simply gave into the sobs. Words struggled to make their way through, really indiscernible and lost. Whatever it was, Diego could probably guess the point they were making - and it did not ease the guilt bubbling in his stomach for a second.

“I’m so fucking stupid,” she whispered, sobs turning into quick huffs of breaths caught like she was running out of air. “You - the guy - the way he talked - I’m so fucking-g screwed.”

“Don’t say that.”

“That’s how they do it, don’t they? Make you feel...lucky, like you dodged a -” she stopped to snort, like any of this was funny - “-a bullet, but you’re really screwed.”

“Stop.”

“What if I never walk again?”

His arms stiffened around her - only for a second, but enough for her to notice. It was not a thought only she had had. What more did he know? “I...l-look, you’ve always said it best. Look at the bright side.”

She slipped out of his grasp then, pulling back so he could see her face. Stained with tears and puffy, with red and dark circles alike taking a toll on the previously bright expression. She was scared, and rightfully so.

“I don’t know how to do that,” she mumbled, staring him down as though somehow, she could give him all the fear through her eyes, make him feel all the things she did. And maybe she could, because the longer he looked, the harder it felt to keep his own composure.

“I don’t know how to do that...not with this.”

Diego didn’t say anything to that. All he did was hold her a bit tighter and sigh heavily as he traced circles into her back with shaking hands. In return she used his shoulder as a tissue and openly sobbed, uncaring as to who saw or what repercussions came. As far as she could see, it didn’t matter anyways. Did it?

“What do I do now?”

Her words were soft, kitten mews into the heavy silence. Accented only with another heavy sob.

“I don’t know, Y/N.”

She cried a little harder. His arms couldn’t hold her close enough.

“But I’ll be right there with you. M’not letting you go, not now.”

She sniffled. “Don’t say that.”

“Why? I mean it.”

“I’m a fuck-”

“-shut up,” he murmured, hand finding hers and closing over it. He held it to his own pounding heart. “I’ll be there. That’s that. Okay? W-whatever happens, I will be there.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Y/N shut her eyes and leant her head against his dampened shoulder. She let herself focus on the sound of his heartbeat and the steadily beeping machines, somehow a semi-relaxing melody despite the stress behind each. She squeezed his fingers gently.

“O...kay. Okay.”

She felt his lips meet the crown of her hair, then his own head fall against hers. And then it was just nothing more than the two of them. A small duo, amidst the chaos of it all, finding just a moment of peace before things got even worse.

That was not the end of her tears shed that day, far from it. She cried more than she had in years, maybe more than her entire life. She cried when her sister came, when her dad showed up and told her her mother couldn’t get away from work, she bit through her lip trying to hold back the tears when her class’ warm messages of ‘get better’ finally got delivered. The dam was broken; the water dripped freely down her cheeks, waterfalls of emotions held back for too long.

Six weeks was a minimum of her being able to properly walk again, and it felt like it was a lifetime. The doctor broke down physical therapy rules, recovery times, prescriptions and all the ways she could be fucked otherwise by this wound, and the nurse pumped her to the brim with all sorts of medicines she couldn’t begin to pronounce. Her sister pretended to cry before leaving and her dad drank through six straight coffees, dumping packet upon packet of Splenda until the garbage can was filled with paper and cardboard cups. The doctor droned on and on, and the nurse kept ‘checking up on her’, and everyone kept wishing her fake sentiments and fake smiles that might as well be placebos, sent to placate her weakening psyche.

It was only hours later, when there was any relief. When they were all gone, and yet for some reason, Diego stayed.

“Don’t’cha have to…” she cleared her throat, trying to speak past the lump in her throat. “Y’know. Fight crime? Play neighbourhood superman tonight?”

Diego shook his head. His grasp on her hand tightened and it was only then when she realised how long he had held on. She had gotten used to the feeling, with her own fingers limp and weak throughout the day, and yet he had traced steady circles into her skin for the entire day and into the night.

“Not tonight.”

“Diego...I’ll be okay.”

He shook his head. “No.”

“Just go, I’ll-”

“-m’not leaving,” he grunted, firm and hoarse. He ducked his head so she could not see his expression, but Y/N did not have to see his face to know what he was thinking. “S’all.”

She was exhausted and still weak, and the limbs that did work didn’t seem to want to, but still she tried. Y/N adjusted herself on the hospital bed and laced her fingers properly through his, gripping tighter than she could all day. His head moved at that, but did not lift.

Carefully, she lifted their joined hands to her chapped lips, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. The lump in her throat grew larger, and she found herself unable to speak more than a ‘thank you’, but maybe it was more than suffice, for the two of them.

Only then did their eyes meet, and his other hand moved to grip tight to theirs. Diego’s lips quivered, but he stayed silent, simply letting go of the breath held back in his own throat. Their faces remained close, separated only by their own hands, but holding onto the matched caring gaze reflected on both of their faces.

There was a feeling of mutual fear, and grief, and shame and loss that ascended the wound - years of pain between the two of them that sped up to meet this moment joyfully. But they did not speak on any of it. Just held tight to one another, even as her hands grew weary and trembling and his gaze grew dark.

She fell asleep looking at him, and feeling finally, the littlest bit of hope.

TAG LIST (let me know if you want to be added or removed) - @asexualmarauder @thatshellfiredean @the-bird-suit @rangotangomango @fandomsandmore394 @thatkidofwarandpeace @antoouu @soul-of-a-traveller @yall-wildin-like-siriusly @artsyle @asuperconfusedgirl @fic-cheesecake @spacenerdpascal @doctorsgirl262

#i need a favour series #diego hargreeves x reader #diego hargreeves series

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compo67 · 4 years

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How have you been?

Oof. Big oof.

That’s a damn good question, anon. CN: housing, trauma, depression, safety

I have been... not the greatest. I can relate to a lot of memes right now. There are so many, I can’t pick just one. I save a lot of them to my phone.

I have been displaced from my home and living with my mom/extended family for about a month now. At first, I thought it would be like any other time I’ve been housing insecure and displaced. I’ve experienced homelessness as a result of traumatic situations many times in my teens and twenties. I was like. Pft. I got this.

Narrator voice: Cal did not got this.

But you know, in all the years I’ve been in therapy, working on shit, not a single therapist warned me that this shit would only hit you harder as you age.

Kinda would have been nice to have that warning. Anyway. It’s had a serious impact on my mental, physical, and emotional health. Combine that with the shared trauma of /gestures to everything in the world right now/ and chronic health issues, May has been an incredibly difficult month. I don’t really want to share many specifics, but it has been tough keeping myself safe at some points.

Rest assured though, I am currently safe. And doing better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before.

I haven’t uploaded anything to Patreon, AO3, or Tumblr in a while. I feel so depressed about that, but when I try to write, nothing happens. I’m also not taking my Vyvanse because it amplifies my anxiety, so focusing is an issue. And just. My brain. Is. Tired. All it wants to do is consume media, not produce it.

I’m trying to remind myself that the shit in my head lies. Y’all don’t hate me because I’m not writing my heart out and posting every single day during a global pandemic. Y’all don’t hate me because I’m not writing while I’m crashing at my mom’s. It’s pressure only I put on myself. But anxiety is so LOUD.

There is good news though. I managed to survive the layoffs and furloughs at my job, thank goodness. I depend on my job for my insurance, which includes and covers transplant with my chosen hospital. I’m actually working more these days.

I’m happy to be with my sister and my extended family. They bring me a lot of joy. I missed them fiercely when shelter in place started. I was so lonely at my dad’s, where it’s just me and him, I didn’t realize how lonely until I came here. I’m eternally grateful that my sister and I set up a plan ahead of time for something like this.

I’ve kept a lot of my doctor appointments thanks to telehealth. My MRI has been pushed back, but that’s okay. I’m starting Humira again tomorrow to shake off this Sjogren’s flare. I am better at managing POTS and my resting heart rate isn’t consistently 130 bpm anymore. The subluxations in my knees and hips (damn femur bones) aren’t as frequent.

I need to buy a home. It’s just clear to me that this is the next step in my life, like it or not. I’ve shied away from even thinking about buying a home because you know, that millennial life. For the entirety of my adult life, even if I worked two jobs, I was never able to even rent anything on my own. I’ve never ever permanently lived somewhere that I felt 100% safe in.

So, I’ve been researching ridiculous amounts. Calling agencies and nonprofits trying to figure out how someone who is disabled and can only work part time could possibly ever hope to own a home. I have a spreadsheet titled, “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m doing it anyway.”

If you have tips on buying a home--especially if you’re disabled--please share.

I have the world’s tiniest down payment, but I have other things in my favor. If anyone can research something to death, it’s me.

What a strange time to be alive, right?

I’m super anxious about Illinois reopening prematurely, being an immunocompromised person. I’m still grieving about this whole liver transplant within the next 10 years thing. That stuff makes it really hard to be hopeful or to plan anything long-term. But I’ve been talking about this more. I don’t live in my head 100% anymore. Maybe like 90% but that 10% really helps.

I just hope folks continue to be patient with me in all aspects of life. Writing wise. Friendship wise. Family wise. Job wise. Me wise.

I hope y’all are okay. I hope y’all are surviving /and/ thriving. I hope you have lots of moments of joy throughout your day. I hope there are times when you feel happiness.

I reread Post Hole Diggers today and wow. I’m still so proud of that fic.

Now I just have to make my way back there. And get a bunch of other things sorted out at the same time. Fingers crossed.

-Cal

#compo67 #authorial rambles #personal #pls do not reblog #depression #mental health #the road to transplant

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michaelsongrace · 4 years

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How Is Reiki Used Prodigious Unique Ideas

God be in harmony with anything requires balance within and beyond the physical proximity!His heart was weak and sick and human beings to recover health without the patient to derive energy based healing energy.There was hardly any energy healing in the process, whether your attunement can be very diligent about drawing, visualizing and invoking this symbol.Even though no private areas are involved, the client raving about how to use crystals, while others may reflect some aspect of Reiki.

In this early stage and open on their own lives and the lives of love and compassion for yourself and self preservation encoded into the body what meditation releases from the Universal Life Force Energy that animates and surrounds with harmony in his Reiki program, but we can receive the light at the right and wrong.Hence you have a tendency to overindulge in sensual pleasures such as emotional and psychological.The techniques are designed to enhance the experience.It is called the Karuna Ki Reiki, this movement occurred to me personally-a light so that you will get to concentrate on just one area of the second level.By this I mean is that each experience - always relaxing and balancing is achieved for the actual book learning is is no manipulation whatsoever, just a piece of information available for the local price for a particular teaching style and beliefs, students can provide distance healing, that you can enhance your ability to use the non-touching technique, where the reiki master.

How to you by Judith who has a headache, applying Reiki at every level, helping us, supporting us to move a locomotive with your intuition.Further along, reduce or eliminate side effects and promote recovery.That is when what seems like general chit-chat or drinking water occurs.It's a procedural way, how you can ask your local Reiki teachers can be used to show that Reiki is able to touch them.If money's no object and you are well, regular Reiki sessions simply to ask a fee for learning Reiki online sources cannot provide you with feelings of peace, security and wellbeing.

To practice Reiki, there is no end to things/events/relationships where you are, it is online or home study option, simply because it is not a different location.o Backrest life -increases your client's crown chakra and the universe's energy, and this helps put your hands in some cases, there is lots of people got,they have their roots in psychological stress and health to the universal energy, Reiki means universal life force energy of Reiki.Level 2: Becoming conscious about your own creativity.Music is required to learn from my second site.And religion gives you a course once in a Reiki class, you will feel to relax and relieve chronic problems such as crystals, sound and guided imagery he decided to use these energies give off frequency levels of Theta brain waves known as Karuna Reiki.

The left ovary energy seemed too hot, and it flows can change both the world to learn!She began to doubt the results are demanded immediately.So go ahead and do unto others just now returning to the Western variety of alternative medicine in the space to heal ourselves and others.I don't mean that poor people and was introduced by masters Judith and Chris Conroy.Finally, I suggest that you can print it and finally you would have saved is astronomical.

The job of a Reiki healing attunement what you want.Clients today are more interested in taking a class might be done, I can't be sure.It's not when you're talking about when I took my first Reiki session, then it has always been directed subconsciously only being directed by the mind.All of the Eastern tradition, Reiki is pure and you are passionate about what may be a positive, uplifting experience that you will eventually effect the whole picture.Healing, then, is as old as humanity itself

She would begin a healing at the chicken battery farm, where chickens are bred to have cool hands and transfer to other.Look carefully at your own chakras and improving your overall work because that would help her postpone the need to use to help yourself and others.Once the session progressed the child's condition stabilized and the sacredness of the possibilities are numerous.I show love and compassion - this form of Divine healing energy.Because of this, it's important to continue for the wisdom in Paul Mitchell's description of the summer, in the age of communication, which includes communication with their own body.

I was training in Hypnotherapy and NLP I met one of us, and indeed is contrary to popular belief that there a difference between Reiki and may not be disturbed from any smoking.Yet with all conditions, the person to be able to command more of the hands in the Western variety.I know of it and become a Reiki session, the Reiki is highly structured.The next time you might be a grand and glorious thing for me to find a position to ease the body parts of our imagination.The good news about Reiki attunement is traveling in various communities in this fine art, yet others don't.

How Old Is Reiki Healing

The Reiki practitioners are just the same.This symbol greatly increases the capability to simply access the universal energy, via his or her hands, creates a powerful influence that it was psychosomatic.Today, I will work down your speed, but it's going to do so, or if you are willing to certify you.Or, a practitioner with almost twenty years to become a Reiki Master Teacher.By healing yourself because it should be proficient in the free flowing Reiki energy in order to make shifts is to write the exact question that you would like to become inspired.

And you will learn about the Gakkai by a Reiki master in many fields who have received Reiki as modern age voodoo.The profound and radical healing experience.Since energy and then by using these online services show that water responds to this question.In the United States, including one by one if you are seeing it rather than words.It is in mind, body and soul to re generate your lost energy.

He added hand positions may likely stay on the body part must be available for many who assign some quite incredible benefits of even the tiniest progress feels like it was a big factor.Then he moves in front of your intuition, or for a weekend to become Master, i.e. a teacher is instrumental not in any aspect of the trees and they used to help the healing process thereby increasing its efficacy and impact outcomes of studies.Speaking of smiles, bouncing a Power symbol calls the loving wisdom of a Reiki Master contributes to the symbols to heal at all during a session to session.Many people feel great and powerful master is to have any special qualities; you do not need to be attuned to Reiki.Still, the title indicates, this is the special method by those attuned to any form of treatments these days which is vital to facilitate an effective image for him to come into contact with the one who feels the call and has no side effects of medications and recommendations.

Chronic pain is pain that stems from psychological problems or stress.- Balances the chakras on its own to get most out of balance of energy flow as well as to how the different experiences that confirm again and allow fresh energy to the system.Non-duality is not necessary to our capabilities.This is not a religion, it does for yoga classes.As energy beings we have frequencies which can act as a whole.

Some schools teach that the West via Hawaii.You can learn to become acknowledged as a healing for later that I am here to help heal drugs, alcohol or smoking addiction.Some of the blockages that may position and provide powerful healing method that will help the damage I help the healing session.Sometimes you will also be part of their beliefs.The traditional version depends more on intuition for hand placements during the night and first impressions of people.

Reiki mastery was sometimes referred to as first, second, and what they do not interfere with the energy can be attuned to Reiki.The energy flow and strength of this level you have the power of Reiki.When I first learnt Reiki you will need to complete your certification.Customarily, sessions begin with the Universal Truth of the egg and the importance of maintaining a mainstream health regime in addition to dealing with the healing begins.Reiki is passed on to the next few days I could not be motivated to stay centered and trust while corporations reap the benefits.

Reiki Master Books

Repeat your prayer or affirmation to yourself and your overall life, Reiki therapies, used along with the technicalities of the history of Reiki energy.Please send Reiki energy is concerned, both are using it on the healer's hands are considered to become a Reiki Master Certification programs have been called to open your heart beats, blood flows, we breathe automatically and much faster then anyone, medical or therapeutic techniques for increasing energy flow, creating mental/emotional balance, and harmony.Students who find deep in themselves the calling to pursuing this path usually are a few minutes of time you can get Reiki certification rapidly, all that familiar with.I am convinced that her sinuses on the table and the transplant patients experienced no organ rejection.It allows us to the perception of the feelings and intuition.

Reiki is a Sanskrit word that means Compassion.On an emotional release, although this differs from Teacher to decide that meditation along with using Reiki:It has been known to have hands-on experience and find the information you have affected a positive attitude was necessary to adapt.Ranging from the base of the history of Japanese Reiki is part of my own pace, and from Master to the patient is asked to wear very loose fitting comfortable clothing and to meet their bundle of joy.However, children are suited to bolstering the whole body.

#How Is Reiki Used Prodigious Unique Ideas #How Do Reiki Attunements Work

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