It's midnight where I am, which means it's technically the 21st already đ
Hi Folks,
welcome to my fourth fic for the Archival Pride 2021 project! Look at their tumblr for more info :)
@archivalpride
  Archival Pride 2021, Week four (June 21-28) Prompts:
comfort, childhood, research, missing scene, statement
  The key words I've used here are comfort, research (and arguably missing scene depending how you look at it)
So, this wasn't supposed to get nearly as long as it ended up being. But I enjoyed wirting this a ridiculous amount, and I hope you can find a bit of joy, comfort or anything else you're seeking as well.
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Please mind the tags and content warnings for this one! Itâs quite a bit heavier than my other entries for the Archival Pride 2021.
Content warnings:
- Trauma, Grief
- PTSD / Panic attacks
- violent canon death of a sibling
- coping
- Nightmares
- Canon-typical violence
- Canon-typical Clowns / The Stranger
- Death of a loved one
- Canon-typical violence and thoughts of violence
- Past underage kissing between consenting teenagers (nothing graphic and very PG)
- breif internalized Bi-Phobia in the past
- brief mention of past Ace-Phobia
- strong language
- TMA season 3 spoilers, even though this story is set pre-canon.
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 Whispers in the Dark
 The first time Tim meets Jonathan Sims is when he sets down a small cardboard box and a stack of files onto a desk. More precisely, his own new place at the desk he just got assigned.
 Tim just started out with his new job and he smiles, even though he is barely holding himself together at this point. He hopes no one will ask too many questions - itâs not like he plans on telling anyone what made him seek out the institute in the first place. Itâs way too personal, and way too much to handle.
 So heâd lied in the job interview, spun some story about wanting a new challenge. Mr. Bouchard didnât question it, and Tim would like to think that is because his CV and education are rather high quality, which he isnât shy about. Not at all - he is proud of his achievements, and rightfully so. But Tim canât shake the feeling that his new employer had looked at him oddly, like he knows something that no one else does. It had been deeply unsettling, and if Tim thinks too much about it, it causes the hairs on the back of his neck to stand up straight.
 Despite his gut feeling telling him something else, Tim decides to chalk it up to nerves and his⊠Current situation, so to say. He is more jumpy, more paranoid than he used to be, which isnât surprising. He has seen things, lived through things that he wouldnât know how to explain if anyone asked. But overthinking it wonât get him anywhere.
 So, he puts on a bit of the show, something that looks like his usual happy-go-lucky personality. Loud, brash, flirty and wicked smart, just like he always has been. It feels incredibly fake to him, but then again, no one here knows him. No one has ever met him before⊠Before. They donât know.    They donât know   . None of them ever sees him when the mask falls, home alone, in a house that feels too big and too empty with Dany gone and - no.
   âDonât go there, Stoker, just donât. Get through the day, see what you can find out and go home. Get back tomorrow, rinse and repeat. You can do this.â   he tells himself and plasters on a smile that almost hurts.
 As he sets down the box and his files, he greets his new coworker and desk-neighbor.
 âHi, Iâm Tim, nice to meet you!â (    âbe happy, sound happy, god dammitâ   he thinks, then reminds himself that this guy wonât know the difference.)
 The man on the desk opposite of him looks up from his computer which heâd previously looked at with intense concentration. It seems to take him a moment to catch up, then he nods and there is the hint of a very small smile on his face.
 âOh, erm, hi. Welcome.â he says, like someone who isnât used to interacting with too many people. And maybe he isnât - Tim wouldnât know. He almost moves on and accepts that he wonât get a name from his new desk neighbor, but then he hears him say,
 âJonathan. Jon is fine, too.â
 And then, as if he never said anything, he focuses back onto the screen in front of him and starts typing furiously.
 âThanks!â Tim says, probably just a tad too loud and too enthusiastically, but he doesnât get a response this time. Okay, awkward. He isnât sure if Jon is ignoring him or if he just doesnât realize that he is being talked to - judging from the very brief, first impression of him that Tim got, both options might be entirely possible.
 As the days go by, they donât interact a lot besides basic politeness and the occasional question or comment about something work related.
 The first time Tim ever really talks to Jon, is when he witnesses the man climb a bookshelf in the library like a fucking tree. No kidding. Tim blinks, and for the first time in a long while, he feels a real, genuine laugh bubble up in his chest. What the hell? He steps closer, next to the large, antique bookshelf that his coworker is currently clinging to, pulling books from a shelf that is over his head still.
 âJon, hi.â Tim says, watching the scene in front of him unfold. This is not something he expected, least of all from the coworker who never seems to say or do anything mildly interesting. So much for the first impression - the second impression is something entirely different, and it is this very moment that Tim decides that he likes the guy.
 The sound of Timâs voice addressing him directly makes Jon turn his head.
 âHi. Can I help you?â he asks, brusk and matter of fact, as if there wasnât anything odd about this situation.
 â...I was going to ask you the same?â Tim offers, mildly amused as he finds himself kind of impressed when Jon manages to shrug with his hands full like that. While clinging to the shelf, because what even?
 âNo. Why? Iâve already got what I need.â Jon jumps down from the wooden board heâd been standing on, and it is only now that Tim realizes theyâd been on eye level before. Now⊠Not so much. They never stood next to each other up until this moment, he realizes.
 Heâs only been here for about a week, but whenever Tim arrives at the office, Jon is already there, at his desk and working. He never gets up for lunch, only ever seems to leave the room to pick up or drop off books from the library, and by the time everyone else has left, Jon remains seated at his desk. If he wasnât changing out his clothes, Tim would have been convinced that Jonatahn Sims simply plugs himself into a wall socket to recharge for the next day. Or maybe sleeps under his desk or something.
 âJust⊠You know what, nevermind.â Tim has come to the very correct conclusion that he better just accept this as it is. It seems easier. Much, much easier than arguing with someone over nothing, even though Tim feels like punching a wall or two some days. But that is not his coworkers fault, and he doesnât want to mess up the chance to get to know him because he is cute.
 Tim doesnât even question this train of thought anymore.
 At some point in between meeting the man for the very first time and⊠well, this, he must have filed away the odd combination of grandfather cardigans, chipped dark nailpolish and neatly tied up hair, combined with that deep warm voice and decided that yes, this person is attractive.
 To be fair, it doesnât take Tim long to fall for people - it never has. He just didnât expect to spend any time really    looking   at someone, now that his life has gone sideways in so many horrible ways.
 Turns out heâd been wrong.
 Finding something attractive about a person, no matter their gender or any physical attributes, is the easiest thing in the world to Tim. Ever since he can remember, he has enjoyed looking at people. Tim likes soft curves just as well as sharp angles, and has spent many many hours of his life getting lost in people's eyes. Sometimes, heâd caught himself staring when talking to a friend, losing himself in the depth of warm brown eyes with specks of gold, watery blue, light grey or green with specs of hazel and anything in between.
 Tim vividly remembers a game of spin the bottle when he was a teenager and sat on the floor with a group of friends and classmates. Of course, there had been many dares to kiss someone, and he had happily taken them whenever possible.
 At the time, Tim wasnât sure about himself at all, because heâd only known that he finds people attractive, but all everyone around him had talked about was if you were gay or straight, if the question was even asked. Mostly, they just assumed whatever seemed convenient at the time.
 No one tells Tim about the meaning of the word âBisexualâ, or even about the word itself until he is in college. But he knows how he feels, even though he is lacking the word for it for many years
 Once he finds out, Danny is the first person he tells about it. Tim calls him that same night, sitting in a quiet corner of the dorm as he excitedly tells his little brother that he found a word to relate to himself and his feelings for other people.
 âThere are other people who feel that way, Danny. There is nothing wrong with me and there is a word for it!â he tells him in a hushed but excited voice, fumbling on a loose thread in a hole of his jeans. Those trousers have long been frayed into shreds but Tim refuses to part with them.
 His voice is shaking with excitement, and he may or may not be holding back happy tears. This is a big moment for him, and because Danny is literally the best - not just because he answered his phone at fuck-o-clock in the morning when his brother called - he reacts with nothing but support.
 âI might have a few questions, but I love you. No matter what. Iâm happy for you.â he tells him, and in that moment, Tim couldnât be happier or prouder of his younger brother.
 The game of spin the bottle a few years earlier was the one of the first things that taught Tim that he finds many many things to be interested in and attracted to. It taught him that he is attracted to the many different ways people feel, and it hasnât changed ever since.
 Over the years, Tim finds himself falling in love quick and hard with a number of people, and none of them are ever the same. Each and every person is unique, in their looks and size and voice and feelings - and every single one is loveable just as they are.
   âYou     do     have a thing for certain types of voices though.â   Tim thinks, and maybe that is the culprit here, now that he is standing in the library of the Magnus Institute and faced with Jonathan Sims, who looks up at him with one raised eyebrow. Oh shit, has he been staring the entire time?
 Before Tim can think too much about it, or god forbid, overthink it, he hears his mouth blurt out without his brains permission,
 âSo do you want to come to lunch later? There is a cafĂ© not far from here that Iâve never been to.â
 Jon stares back for a moment, like this isnât something he expected. Truth be told, he didnât. But just when Tim starts thinking that heâll decline, Jon nods slowly.
 âYes, I suppose. Just⊠Let me know before youâre going. I tend to, well, I tend to get lost a bit when Iâm working and chances are I wonât notice how much time has passed.â he explains, and this is probably the first time he said anything personal besides his name.
 âSure, no problem. Iâll just put a giant sticky note on your monitor.â Tim offers him with a grin and wink, and as he turns around, he could swear that he catches a real smile on Jonâs face.
 Tim actually does put a note on Jonâs screen though. As he was warned, all attempts to verbally get his attention have failed, so Tim scribbles a quick note for Jon.
 The sticky piece of paper is bright pink and obnoxious, and all that Tim has written on it is âLunch time!â in big bold letters, accompanied by a smiley face. He manages to walk up behind Jon, stick it right in the middle of his computer monitor and get back around to his own desk to gather his jacket and wallet before Jon squints at it through slim, rectangular glasses and blinks a few times before he remembers the conversation from earlier. Then, there is a small hint of a smile on his face, very similar to the one Tim caught in the library earlier.
 He gathers his things and leaves the office with Tim, and the two of them walk next to each other comfortably as they make their way to the café.
 Surprisingly, the lunch break together isnât nearly as awkward as it could be, or should have been, really. Jon doesnât talk much at first, and Tim has a feeling he himself is talking way too much without actually saying anything, just so his brain doesnât drift off into the wrong direction. But then, itâs like the air has left his lungs and there is a minute or two of slightly awkward silence.
 Then, Jon clears his throat and asks,
 âSo, did you know that snails can sleep for three years at a time?â
 When Tim, surprised by the question, shakes his head, Jon starts talking about the topic in great detail as he fiddles with the edge of his napkin the whole time. Somehow, this of all things breaks the ice, and Tim finds himself to be able to breathe a little bit easier.
 Even more so, he is enjoying this. He isnât sure what he expected when he asked Jon to join him for lunch. Maybe it was just the urge for human interaction and to not be alone, which he supposes is fair enough. But he certainly didnât expect random information about nature phenomenons. All Tim knows is that he feels better after their first break together, and after that, spending the break together becomes A Thing.
 What he learns pretty fast is this: Jon is an info dumper when he feels comfortable enough to do so. As it turns out, Jon isnât very picky with his topics, either. They range from science phenomena to weird, interesting nature facts and anything else that catches his interest.
 Tim also learns that, if he is in the right company and being asked the right questions, he can hold monologues that could last for hours. He figures that one out when Jon drops a fun fact about 19th century architecture, and without thinking, picks up the loose end of the sentence and continues,
 âOh, yes, did you know thatâŠâ and thus, without even realizing it, Tim spends the entire lunch break talking about it - he is passionate about the topic, but he leaves out the details about the Covent Garden Theatre. It just hurts too much to think about, but other than that, Tim is excited about the topic. He gets so carried away and rambles on and on and on, he only stops when Jon and him get back to the institute. It takes even longer for Tim to catch up and realize that Jon just paid for both lunches while he went off on a monologue about Robert Smirke architecture. But when he tries to pay him back, Jon just waves him off.
 âDonât worry about it. Besides, your lecture was very interesting, I didnât want to interrupt.â
 From anyone else, this might have been a dig - but coming from Jon, Tim knows by now, it is a genuine statement that makes him way happier than it should.
 So, their lunch breaks together quickly turn into a tradition,
 Tim isnât entirely sure what is more surprising; the fact that he manages to get Jon to actually leave his desk for human needs like food and social interaction, or that the two of them are enjoying it so much.
 Sometimes, they go to cafés or restaurants, trying out places that neither of them has been to before. It turns into them picking favourites, and then they become regulars at a small handful of places. Sometimes they simply go on a quick walk to pick up some food, other times they sit down and enjoy being out of the office for a little bit.
 One day, Tim arrives in the office early, and he brings lunch from home for Jon and himself for the first time.
 Tim has spent the previous night wide awake, unable to rest after a nightmare startled him out of a deep sleep. It takes a long time to get his breathing back under control, and very late at night, or very early in the morning, depending how you look at it, Tim gives up on sleep. After hours of useless tossing and turning, he wonât be able to rest, he knows from experience.
 Cursing under his breath, he pulls aside the covers and takes a few deep, shuddering breaths. Exhausted, both in a physical and emotional sense, he scrubs a hand over his face.
 The memories linger, and Tim feels like his whole chest is pulled together with anxiety and grief. Seven months. Thatâs how long it has been since he found Danny sitting in his dark living room in the middle of the night, crying silent tears as he had no idea what to do besides be there for him and offer comfort. Seven months since he followed his younger brother to the Royal Opera House Covent Garden and had to watch him being torn apart.
 Carefully, Tim forces himself to keep breathing as evenly as possible. In - hold - out - hold - in - rinse and repeat. His hands are shaking, and he tries to force them into stillness as he grips hard at the rumpled bed sheets.
 Attempting to go back to sleep is useless, he knows from experience, and so he makes his way down into the kitchen.
 This house feels too big, too empty without the presence of his little brother. He left a hole in his life, and even though itâs been months since Danny died, Tim hasnât moved a single one of his possessions. Not yet - it hurts too much.
 Despite having been alone for a while now, Tim is still careful to leave the lights  out in the hallway, walking as quietly as he can in the middle of the night as if there was still someone around he could wake up with his movements. Itâs a long standing habit, and he isnât sure heâll ever shake it off.
 Itâs only when he arrives in the kitchen that Tim switches on the overhead light. It flickers to life, slowly, and the small kitchen is tinted into a warm light. Warm and homely, like this house once was. Now, it just feels painfully empty.
 With a long sigh, Tim makes his way to the sink and fills up a glass with water - his hands are still shaking and he spills a bit onto himself, but he doesnât care. Caring about it is too much right now, so he focuses on draining the glass empty before refilling it again. He feels dehydrated, but given the night heâs had so far, it isnât surprising.
 âI need a distraction.â he mumbles, and soon enough, heâs raided the pantry and his refrigerator. Tim pulls  out some pots and pans from the cupboard, scattering everything throughout his kitchen where itâll be most convenient. The repetitive tasks of cooking have always had a relaxing effect on him, and soon enough, the room is filled with scents and aromas that make his mouth water. Even now, while he is absolutely miserable.
 The casserole ends up being huge. Itâs way too much for one person, even one with an appetite. But cooking for one after being used to there being someone else is hard - kind of useless, while youâre already at it.
 Tim has had that problem ever since heâs been cooking on his own, but knowing that Danny will be back to join him again, freshly back from some cave diving or urban exploration or whatever other strange new hobby heâd found at the time.
 Now, Tim is all on his own. He sighs unhappily. Cooking was a good distraction, up until he is painfully reminded that no one is there anymore to share it with. Not here, at least.
 He allows himself a few minutes of quiet greif, seated at the kitchen table with his head in his hands and a lukewarm cup of tea, sitting on the table by his side, almost forgotten.
 By the time the sun is starting to rise, Tim is up and moving again. He has put the casserole in several plastic boxes and packs two of them into his work bag.
 When he arrives at the office, way earlier than he usually does, because what is the point of staying home doing nothing, Tim places one of the boxes at the edge of Jonâs desk.
 Jon seems to be mildly surprised by the early company, and even more so by the plastic box.
 âOh, Good morning... What is this?â he asks then, mildly curious.
 âLunch. I was cooking last night and it was way too much. Thought Iâd bring some in to share.â Tim forces a smile along with the half-lie, if only to cover how tired he is. He needs coffee.
 The âThank youâ Tim gets in response is equally surprised and genuine, and he tries very carefully to not interpret too much into it. Especially because their shared meal feels a lot more homely and strangely intimate that day. Getting takeout together or sitting somewhere is one thing, but sharing a home-cooked meal is something entirely different, he finds. He also finds that he doesnât mind it.
 Only a few days later, conveniently when every last bit of the casserole is gone, Tim finds a plastic box that isnât one of his own sitting on his desk. Curiously, he opens it and finds it filled to the brim with homemade curry, rice and veggies. Even cold, it smells heavenly and makes his mouth water. Tim looks over to the desk opposite of him, where Jon is already typing away like he usually does, but when he looks up and finds Tim smiling brightly at him, he smiles back.
 Something in his chest feels incredibly warm and fluttering.
 One evening, when the two of them get out of the office equally late - Jon because he always does, and Tim because he may or may not have waited for him - they walk to the tube together.
 In a spontanous fit of bravery and âOh well, fuck itâ, Tim carefully rechaes out until his own fingers gently brush against Jonâs as they walk. Itâs dark outside, only illuminated by the countless lights that illuminate the shops and pubs and the sides of the street theyâre walking along. Tim does so casually and carefully enough to be ignored or taken as a coincidence if needed be, just in case. But then his heart almost stops for a second when after a moment of stiffness, Jon accepts the offer and closes his own fingers around Timâs.
 His touch is light at first, but then his grip tightens a bit, warm and comfortably so, and it is clear that his heart is in it. Of course it is - the two of them have gotten close in the last few weeks and months. There might have been some wishful thinking on Timâs end involved - Jon is not always great at picking up social cues, especially romantic ones.
 âThatâs fine thoughâ he tells him later, âYouâre a huge enough flirt to make it up for the both of us.â
 Jon squeezes his hand, and Tim happily squeezes back as he keeps walking beside him, just a little bit closer than before.
 He canât help but smile. Something like happiness blooms in his chest, and even though they donât talk about it the entire way, even though they keep holding hands when they sit next to each other in the tube, they remain this close all the way until their ways separate and they have to get onto a different line each. It feels right, and the sudden loss of touch as their ways separate makes Tim wish it could last - but turning back and running after the other train seems kind of silly now, especially since heâll see Jon again the very next day.
 This becomes A Thing as well. Touching, that is.
 Holding hands, brushing along each other when they reach for folders or mugs or books in the library. Speaking of which, Tim has learned very quickly that there is    no   way to stop Jon from literally climbing high spaces to reach whatever he needs. As of now, he is long used to watching him scale a bookshelf or kitchen counter, much to his own amusement.
 âHold on tight, little monkey.â he tells him as he walks past, grinning from ear to ear, knowing full well that he canât expect more than a scoff and,
 âOh, shut up.â as a response.
 Tim keeps it up though - because itâs fun and he knows heâs allowed to get away with it. Which canât be said for anyone else in the institute, not like anyone would have tried as far as he knows. But he is ridiculously proud of it nonetheless. Tim is still cackling to himself when he wraps an arm around the other manâs shoulders and keeps chatting away to him all the way back into the research offices.
 He has always been very openly affectionate, with family, friends and romantic partners or those heâd fancied. Itâs part of who he is, and if he is honest with himself, it feels good to have some part of him back thatâs always been there. It helps a bit, and even more so since Jon not only happily lets him, he also leans back into the touch. Jonâs attempts at seeking out touch are a lot more subtle than Timâs, at least at first, but he knows and recognizes it for the sign of trust and comfort that it is.
 That afternoon, there isnât much time to chat at their desks, but about an hour before theyâre supposed to get off, a balled up piece of paper hits Timâs hand, clearly coming from Jon, but the sneaky bastard isnât giving indication that he stopped reading at all.
 With a small smile, Tim opens the note. Itâs not like Mr.  Workaholic to pass notes on the clock, but then again, he has to give Jon credit for loosening up significantly since the day they met. Or, maybe warmed up to human company is more like it. (He very carefully tries not to think, or more like hope, that it's him in particular Jon has warmed up to so much. But then again, Tim has heard some of their coworkers whisper in astonishment that itâs completely unheard of that Jonathan Sims leaves his desk for breaks or in time in the evenings, let alone interacting with other human beings more than absolutely necessary. Tim also caught the rumors about the two of them being a couple - heâd almost laughed then. He fucking    wishes   .)
 Tim unfolds the note and reads;
   âI have a lot of leftover curry I made last night. Would you like to come over for dinner after work? - J.â Â
 This has become A Thing, too. Sharing meals after work and sometimes on the weekends. It alternates where they go, but especially lately, they have preferred to go to either Timâs house or Jonâs apartment instead of a restaurant. For one, going out to eat on a regular basis is expensive, but also, cooking together or eating the leftovers from a late night cooking binge is a lot more comfortable and homely.
 Sharing a meal and oftentimes a couch with someone fills at least part of the void that Tim finds inside of himself. He is struggling still, but having another human being in his personal space, warm and alive and happy to be there, means the world to him. Heâs feeling something again, something that isnât constant fear or everlasting sadness.
 They watch movies sometimes - itâs not exactly easy to find something that both of them    like   . Their tastes in movies are widely different from each other, so instead, they opt to choose obscure sci-fi movies or anything they can pick apart and make fun of. No horror - they havenât talked about it, but this is one of the few movie-related things they are in silent agreement over.
 Truth be told, poking fun at bad movies together is much more entertaining than watching anything the normal way.
 They are stuffing their faces with snacks and complain at the protagonists for making very unwise or straight up unrealistic decisions, even in-universe illogical ones. They pick apart plot-points and anything that doesnât add up  while they share space on the couch, either holding hands or leaning against one another.
 âOh, of course, give me a break!â Jon grouses as he shakes his hand that is currently holding a few crisps at the TV, annoyed to no end, it seems. In truth, he is    enjoying   this. He enjoys this an awful lot, and so does Tim.
 He laughs out loud and pulls Jon a little closer to his side.
 âYes, you tell the creepy alien why itâs mere existence even in this fictional universe doesnât make sense, Love!â He eggs him on, and only realizes the pet name has slipped out of his mouth by the time he notices the deep blush creeping on Jonâs face. Oh shit.
   âNow donât say anything to fuck this up, for once in you life, just shut up!â   Tim thinks to himself, carefully trying to remain as calm as he can. Theyâve been holding hands for ages and they keep cuddling up on the couch - this isnât anything unexpected, for heavenâs sake. Hell, if Jon were anyone different, they might have ended up in bed already, but Tim is aware that this probably isnât going to happen anytime soon - or at all, if he isnât entirely mistaken, based on  the hints and observations. First and foremost the slow and careful way in which their relationship to each other is changing and developing, but then again, he knows what the simple black ring on the middle finger on a personâs right hand usually means.
 Tim doesnât ask though - he figures that if Jon wants to talk about it, he will do so eventually and at his own pace.
 So, Tim doesnât push anything and carefully waits for a response. But there isnât one, or at least nothing verbal. Instead of saying anything, neither to Tim or about the movie, Jon simply scoots a little bit closer to him, leaning against him and doesnât let go of his hand. Tim takes this as a win and leans his head against the tuft of long black hair that tickles his cheek.
 Both of them relax in an instant, and if they end up falling asleep on the couch, legs a tangled mess and with the TV still on, well, the next morning isnât nearly as awkward as it might have been once upon a time.
 It takes Tim, way longer than it should to realize that, for the first time in a long while, he didnât startle awake screaming that night. Company helps. It helps a lot. Just knowing that there is someone else, that he isnât alone and doesnât have to wake up to an eerily empty house anymore helps.
 Tim doesnât fool himself into thinking that everything will magically resolve itself - he knows it won't, especially because his research about the circus isnât going anywhere yet.
 Sometimes, he feels guilty. Guilty for not spending every waking minute searching for hints, searching for answers to the things that have taken his brother and traumatized him for life. The calmer, logical part of his brain is aware that it doesnât work like that - he needs a break sometimes, needs the time to himself and spend it with other peopleâŠ. And goddammit, he deserves to be happy.
 Danny would have kicked his arse if he could hear him think this, would have told him to get a grip and do something that makes him happy. Because this is what scares him sometimes - the happiness, the times where he doesnât think of the Royal Opera House in Covent Garden or circuses and⊠Skin. Just the thought alone makes him shudder, but he canât stop thinking about those memories sometimes.
 â...Are you alright?â
 Tim blinks, not having realized that he must have zoned out. Heâs still on the couch, slowly waking up and with Jon tucked somewhere next to him. He doesnât sound very awake yet, but there is concern in his voice as he fixes Tim with a very direct look.
 âI- yes, just. Zoned out a bit there.â Tim shoots him his best bright smile, hoping heâll be able to chase away the ghosts. At least for now. He sighs, and happily leans into the touch and hugs back when he can feel a pair of slim arms snaking around his waist. Jon doesnât say anything, but he seems to pick up that something is bothering Tim. And much like him in emotional situations, Jon doesnât know what to say. So he remains close and thankfully, this is exactly what Tim needs right now. Just being close to someone he cares a whole lot about, feeling their heartbeat near his own. Being held for a bit. He squeezes Jon in silent gratitude for being there, and hopes he can get across what he canât say.
 It is Saturday and they have a whole weekend in front of them. After they peel themselves off of the couch, they stumble off to the bathroom after one another and then to the kitchen in an attempt to fuel themselves with tea and breakfast. Itâs painfully, beautifully domestic.
 While he is keeping an eye on several pans on the propane stove, Tim is chatting away about something - he isnât exactly sure himself, except it is something pointless that distracts him from his earlier train of thought. Jon and him are laughing and joking while they drink tea and prepare breakfast together. But after a while it looks like Jon wants to say something, stops himself, and then more of the same all over again.
 Eventually, Tim canât watch him struggle over it anymore and straight out asks,
 âHey. Whatâs going on in that fuzzy head of yourâs?â
 Itâs true - both of them still have a severe case of bed-heads, and Jon huffs at the question and tries to smooth down a few of the stubborn flyaways around his face. Only very mildly successful.
 âI⊠Was going to ask something.â
 âAlright? Shoot.â Tim very, very carefully swallows the joke he was about to make in the end - if this is going where he hopes it might, he doesnât want one god awful pun to be part of the memory of it. So he waits. Â
 Jon seems to be bracing himself, and then he turns around to face Tim.
 âI would like to kiss you. Is that okay?â he asks. A simple question, and yet - it means so much. Tim smiles at him, heart beating out of his chest as he steps closer to Jon.
 âYes, Iâd love that.â
 There are only mere inches separating them. Both Jon and Tim cross the last of the distance at once, hands searching for each other. Their fingers are interlacing tightly as soon as they touch, and just a split second later, their lips meet for the first time. There is no rush, nothing in this world that would get them to hurry anything up at this moment. Slowly, they kiss again and again, tasting faintly of the tea they had earlier, but even more so, it feels like comfort. Maybe even a little bit like home.
 A quiet happiness settles deep into them, and something seems to click into place. They are happy, and there is nowhere theyâd rather be than anywhere, as long as they can be together.
 After a little while, their hands let go of each other, but only so they can pull one another closer. One of Timâs hands is cupped around Jonâs cheek, thumb gently stroking over the soft stubble while his other arm remains wrapped around him, hand resting at the small of his back. Jon on the other hand, has to angle his head up a bit due to their height difference, but he doesnât mind that at all. Both of his arms are wrapped around Timâs torso, and if it was possible, he would like to remain like this forever.
 Unfortunately for the two of them, life has other plans.
 When the smell of something burning registers with the two of them, they regretfully break apart cursing and laughing as they quickly remove the pans from the heat.
 âThat was - good lord, why now of all times?â Breathlessly and more than a little high from happy brain chemicals, they try to get a grip on themselves and on the situation.
 âJust like our luck, isnât it?â Tim is joking, of course, but still. The timing couldnât have been worse.
 âThis    better   not become a habit.â Jon glares at the charred eggs and smoking pans as if they personally insulted him. Heâd been having a good time, but of course something had to happen. Oh well.
 âWeâll just have to make up for it.â Tim winks at him, grinning widely. He doesnât mean much by it, and he only realizes how that might have come across when Jon awkwardly clears his throat and says,
 âThe kissing? Yes, absolutely. Other things⊠Well, most other things, actually⊠Not so much. I erm, I should have said that before now, I suppose. But, Iâm Asexual.â he chooses his words slowly and deliberately, like he is trying to say them exactly right.
 Tim looks into his eyes, bright green and shining with happiness, but now, there is something else creeping into them. Self-doubt, insecurities - Tim isnât sure, but he wants to do his best to make the doubts disappear - and apologize for his big mouth.
 âThatâs absolutely fine. Iâm sorry, I shouldnât have said that - I wasnât implying anything else, I promise.â
 Slowly, Jon nods, visibly relaxed now. He asks,
 âSo⊠Weâre good?â
 âWe are. More than good actually, if you ask me.â Tim finds himself smiling again, which is something heâs been doing so much more lately. Then he tucks away a strand of hair from Jonâs face and kisses him again, just as gentle as before. He is happy to find that he returns the kiss in an instant, pushing close until the two of them end up pressed up against the kitchen table. After they break apart again, they remain standing in an embrace.
 âI like you, Jon. I like you a lot. I love being around you and with you, just for who you are. Yes, I enjoy sex, but I donât need it. So if you donât want to, that is okay and it doesnât make a difference to me. It doesnât change how I feel about you.â
 He nearly says, âI love youâ but that might be a little early - saying it too early has ruined his relationships in the past, and although what Jon and he have is something different, Tim doesnât want to risk it.
 But as it turns out, he said the right thing. Jon looks a lot more relaxed than before, and he keeps a loose hold around Timâs hips.
 âThank you, Tim, thatâs⊠Very reassuring actually. Iâve been with people who reacted quite a bit differently to this, soâ Jon shrugs, but it is clear that this isnât a happy memory.
 âI appreciate you.â He adds, and Tim pulls him a little bit closer.
 âIâm sorry. These people fucking suck.â
 âThatâs one way to put it, yes.â Jon smiles, and pulls Tim down for another, longer kiss. It feels just as intoxicating as before. Then he tells him,
 âAnd, just for the record. I like you a lot, and spending time with you makes me very happy.
 The giddy happiness stays with them - being freshly in love and being freshly together is exciting. It is a feeling Tim will never get tired of. The thing is, being together with Jon doesnât change a whole lot - they are still on opposite desks from each other at work, they still spend their lunch breaks together and Tim actually manages to get Jon to leave the office at 5pm these days,  instead of late at night like he did for the longest time. They still have dinner together most days and they often spend their weekends together. All of these are things they did before, but now, it still feels⊠Different.
 Then of course, there are the casually affectionate touches throughout the day. Theyâd like to think that theyâre being more discreet here, but then again, at least Tim has never been shy about throwing arms around people or bumping shoulders or anything like that. In fact, people would probably get concerned and suspicious if he stopped doing any of it.
 The point is: they keep it down to normal levels at work, but they seem to be glued together whenever theyâre off the clock. Whether they hold hands, hug, kiss, bump shoulders, hips, arms or hands, or sometimes simply nap stacked on top of each other, they are always touching in some way. Both of them soak up the contact like sponges, and they know without having even talked about it in detail that they spent quite a bit of time lonely and touch starved before⊠This. Their relationship.
 Waking up with one another in the mornings is probably Timâs favourite part of all. Holding onto each other with their legs tangled together, hands searching for warm skin to rest on and heads pillowed on each other's shoulder or chest. Sharing breaths of air - all of this feels wonderful and intimate in itâs own way, and he canât get enough of it.
 Waking up in the morning is a peaceful thing. But some nights, unfortunately, are not. Both of them have nightmares on a regular basis. They find that they generally sleep better when they are not alone, and having someone to hold close or bury into when the lingering horrors hit, helps significantly.
 Some nights, itâs Jon who startles awake in the middle of the night, eyes wide and chest heaving as he frantically looks around himself until he realizes where he is, or until Tim wakes up and mumbles quiet reassurances into his hair as he holds him close until the tremors have calmed down.
 If theyâre lucky, they manage to fall back asleep after a while, but if not, they simply stay awake, cuddled up under soft blankets and they just talk. Their topics of conversation vary widely, ranging from silly, lighthearted distractions to things they did or experienced in their past, as well as heartfelt conversations that are about much more than just that.
 Tim himself has his fair share of nightmares as well, ever since he lost Danny. And even though having Jon close by and being held at night helps to keep them at bay sometimes, there are still nights where he startles awake either screaming or crying or both.
 The first time it happens, Tim wakes up terrified and tangled in the sheets. His shirt clings to the cold sweat that is running down his back and his breath comes out in irregular, shaky bursts.
   A dimly lit circus arena, old and dusty with centuries of dirt. Tim canât move. Itâs like he is rooted to the spot, and yet, his legs wonât stop shaking. He is shivering from the cold - no surprise, since he ran out in nothing but his pyjamas earlier, and this place is surprisingly freezing for a hot August night. Tim can feel the cold, but more so than anything, he is absolutely terrified. Â
   He wants to scream, to run, do anything but stand here - but itâs impossible. The crumpled form of his brother - or the     Thing     that pretends to be Danny - sits motionless and hunched over, no matter how much Tim tries to call out for him. Not a single word leaves his throat, even though his vocal cords hurt from the strain heâs been putting on them. But Danny doesnât hear him - canât hear him. Â
   From out of the shadows, Tim can see⊠Something. It looks like a clown, but itâs wrong. Too long, too folded up to be human. It drags itself across the floor slowly and grotesquely, like a creature from a horror movie, up until it stops. Unlike a movie creature though, this is very much reality. Â
   Breathing is hard, and Tim wants to force his body to move, but still, there is nothing he can do. Part of him wants to believe that this⊠Place, this     Thing     is influencing his ability to move somehow, but then again, he might just as well be paralyzed by fear. Â
   The clown moves forward, right towards Danny. As it unfurls itself, it is clear that there are smears of blood all over its face, red and bold and dripping wet. Â
   âShall I?â it asks, with a voice that is playful in the worst possible way. Too happy, and way too sinister. Tim canât even answer, still unable to talk or move or do anything, but he can feel the bile rise in his throat. He wants to grab Danny and run, but knows he canât. He wants to scream, cry or throw up, anything but watch the scene unfolding in front of him. Â
   None of this happens though. Â
   Instead, Tim is forced to stand motionless and helpless, watching in agony and horror as the clown moves much more quickly than he could have anticipated. Itâs not as much that he can actually see the movement, but Tim can feel it. He can feel the breeze of air on his face, and just a split second later, it has removed the entirety of Dannyâs skin. His limp, bloody and bare form slumps forward, and it is only then that Tim actually starts screaming. Â
     He is screaming his head off,  loud, desperate and terrified. Tim is shaking like a leaf. Breathing is impossible, and it takes him way too long to realize that in order to breathe, he needs to calm down for just a second. It takes even longer for him to realize that he is at home, safely in bed and long out of this situation. But Danny⊠Danny is just as dead.
 Between ragged, forced breaths, Tim is curling in on himself, unable to register that Jon has woken up and is talking to him in a low, concerned voice. He tries to get his partner to calm down at least a bit, afraid heâll end up hyperventilating from panic.
 Tim doesnât register any of it. He canât make out Jonâs gentle voice trying to bring him back, doesnât register the light, careful touch on his arm in an attempt to soothe without scaring him further. Tim curls himself into a tight, shaking ball without noticing any of it.
 After the first initial panic, there is a brief moment of silence, but after that, he breaks. Ragged breath turns into uncontrollable, hiccuping sobs and it is only then that Tim realizes the familiar pair of arms slipping around him in a protective embrace. He uncurls just enough to be able to hug back and let Jon slip closer to him, which he does as soon as humanly possible. Tim clings onto him for dear life as Jon curls himself around him in what must be an uncomfortable or at least awkward position, but this is the last thing on his mind.  All Jon cares about right now is making sure that Tim is okay, or at least, as okay as he can be.
 Their bodies are pressed flush together, tightly enough for them to feel each other's rapidly beating hearts hammering out of their chests. Tim tries to focus on that, tries to focus on the carefully even rhythm of breath that Jon attempts to get him to follow.
 His presence is constant, warm and comforting. Tim can feel his weight on top of himself, the hold of his arms around him. Strands of hair and warm breath on his neck are a familiar sensation as well, something heâs been getting used to lately. Even more so, it is something that Tim loves and associates with home by now. And while the fear and pain caused by his nightmare are still very much lingering, he is able to relax in order to calm down eventually. Slowly but surely, a little bit over the course of - he doesnât even know how long.
 Time has lost all meaning at this point. It might take him minutes or hours to breathe normally again, and at some point, Tim realizes that the steady stream of talking, besides the quiet attempts to comfort and assure him, are actually bits and pieces of random information. Anything to keep talking and keep up a steady presence, Tim supposes, but he is eternally grateful for it. He shifts a bit, arms still wrapped tightly around Jon, although heâs stopped clinging as much by now. He stretches out a little bit without letting go of their embrace - everything hurts from holding himself so tense for so long. Then Tim pulls the both of them onto their side so they can cuddle properly.
 Gentle hands keep running through his messy mop of purple hair, blunt nails scratching against his scalp. Tim leans into it, soaking up the touch like a sponge. Heâs stopped shaking now, he notices, and he registers a lot more sensations than he did before.
 Little sounds around the house, wind outside, the occasional car. Most of all, he registers all the different little touches from Jon, and the way he keeps talking to him even now.
 After a while, he leans in to kiss Timâs forehead, thumbs wiping away a few stray tears. It seems like the worst of the storm is over by now, but Jon stays close. Heâs never seen Tim in such a state, and it worries him to no end. At least it looks like he isnât in severe panic anymore.
 âDo you want to talk?â Jon asks quietly, but all Tim can manage is shake his head. It's not like he    could   talk right now if he tried. He doesn't trust his voice, knowing it will break, which is probably going to set him off again and he's not ready to face that.
 Maybe, a part of him wants to talk about what happened. Sure, it is going to hurt regardless, whenever he decides he is ready for it, but there is no doubt that it will help to get it off of his chest. But Tim doesnât know how he is supposed to talk about the horrors he's witnessed. Where would he even start? How does he explain all of it without sounding - well.
 âThatâs alright.â Jon tightens his hold around Tim as he shifts a little bit, without letting go, so he can rest his head on top of Timâs. There is a quiet, almost suffocating sadness radiating off of him, and even though he doesnât know what happened that got him into this state, Jon offers him all the support he can, in any way he knows how. Physical touch seems to help a lot, thankfully. That, he can do forever.
 âIâm here for you. Whatever it is you need, Iâm here.â
 The sun is starting to rise on the horizon, but Tim and Jon remain in bed, wrapped up around each other just like before. Birds are starting to sing outside, even before the first rays of the morning sun tint the room into a low light.
 âI love you. Iâm here for you, and I love you.â
               Notes:
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December Goals Update
Time to round up the stuff I got done! This one is a big update, despite both accomplishments and this januaryâs goals being quite straightforward this time. ^-^)/
I already know - I ended up focusing on one very specific goal, and made significant progress JUST in that. And... if I do what I am PLANNING for January... then hopefully Iâll make more progress. But lol, weâll see. We know how much I suck at sticking to my plans >o>
Things accomplished:
Chinese novel chapters read in December: 20 (Tian Ya Ke - 19, aka read about 24% of the novel this past month! This was the big goal I ended up focusing on - I want to finish reading through my first full novel this year! I did a majority of those chapters in the last 2 weeks, so if I get motivated again, I might really reach this goal. Weâll see. I REALLY do want to break the milestone of getting through one complete novel soon, and it being a priest one would be icing on the cake. Reading method - intensively, using Pleco Reader, looking up all unknown words. I picked up a significant amount of words so far, but itâs still a big challenge lol).
Chapters I studied with Listening-Reading Method: 8 (Most of these were Tian Ya Ke, and dmbj 2. I ended up getting really into reading though, and skipping this step later on as it slowed down my reading time. This January, I would like to do l-r method MORE, because Iâve finally got Guardian all prepped to do that novel with it. Iâd love to do l-r method all the way through the novel guardian... I hope I manage it... avenuex did a beautiful audiobook for it, and Iâd love to work through it. The only demotivating factor? l-r method takes a big time dedication - 5-10 minutes to read a chapter in english, 20 minutes to listen to the chapter while looking at the english text, 20 minutes to listen to the chapter while looking at the chinese text... so around 50 minutes to do a single chapter. And guardian has 106+ chapters ToT. That said, imagine how improved my listening skills would be after roughly 88* hours of listening to chinese I can mostly comprehend? Considering just a handful hours of l-r method has already bumped my listening skills up noticeably to me. In addition to Guardian, I would very much like to do l-r method with Silent Reading as an excuse to re-read the novel and listen to the audiobook - which is around 66 free chapters available at least. I figure l-r method with priest novels, in combo with reading priest novels like Tian Ya Ke, will help with picking up vocabulary in reading and listening a bit. Plus, I plan to do l-r method in the order: listen to english, then listen to chinese, which tends to help me pick up more reading comprehension better than the reverse order.)
Chinese audio listened to: 14 (a surprisingly large number? I donât remember doing this much lol? I think some of this is me listening to dmbj audios, and some was other chinese things, and a tiny bit was restarting the spoonful chinese audio. Again, I think listening more has been helping out a lot)
shows watched in only chinese: roughly 2 (I watched a bit of a few eps of border town prodigal, some tlt3 raws, some short vids, half of anti fraud league ep 1, half of some spy show, basically i was not in a focused mood lol)
Personal goals met:
finally got my stomach to stop hurting! i guess it wanted less carbs. also debloated 10 lbs so i guess its happier lol. still not sure what else it wants from me.
started writing a personal story, period piece with pirates and bisexual messes and iâm quite excited tbh. So now this story, and Nanase, are active original wips
handled doctor stuff wooh!Â
read more of my cpstd book and made more comprehensive plans on what to do when i get emotional flashbacks - and i think the prep work has been really helpful so far, iâm hopeful my lowered stress now is a part of that lol
formatted 2 books! WOOH! in process of formatting 2 more, and learning how the fuck to do a parallel text - anyone know how??? Iâm having a nightmare, Iâd love to do left page english right page chinese, but all Iâm finding are how to use columns to do dual texts beside each other on the same page. Which is much more cramped to read... but I suppose I can live with it if itâs the only option I have.
Goals for January will be pretty straightforward to be honest. I am in a very reading-focused mood. (I mean weâll see how long that lasts, ToT since my attention jumps randomly, but Iâve got everything Prepped to lean heavy into reading for my studying for the foreseeable future). I plan to focus on reading as my main study method, to cover listening and reading and picking up vocabulary/hanzi. Optionally, I might listen to chinese audio in the background to further help with listening/vocabulary (like Chinese Spoonfed Audio, or audiobooks), or I might watch a show in chinese (whether I do this completely depends on if I feel like it).Â
Later on in the year, if reading is getting easier - then long term, I think Iâll want to go back to Alan Hoenigâs Chinese Characters book and read through it for a solid foundation to fill in gaps, read my chinese grammar books for same reason, use my pronunciation app... and then dive into both language exchange apps and tutors more firmly for actual writing and speaking and interacting with others. Basically, long term, Iâd like to work on filling in my gaps and correcting any mistakes I havenât figured out, then work on production more which will be significantly weaker skills by then. But in the immediate, I want to just focus on what I enjoy - reading - and use it to pick up as many words as possible.Â
Goals for January:
Continue reading Tian Ya Ke. Work on reading through my first complete novel in chinese. Continue counting chapters read, as I might look at a few novels - but sincerely, I WANT to focus on one book so Tian Ya Ke is the GOAL. I will be quite happy if I can get the book to 50% read by the end of this month, but weâll see... and quite honestly Iâll be floored if I get to 100% within the month - but if it gets easier as I pick up more words, anythingâs possible. Ideally, I would like to l-r method a few chapters. I do think it speeds up my reading speed because it makes me keep up with the narration, and it also helps me cement new words into my memory better. I remember words better when I hear them. However like - chapters tend to take me 40 minutes to read, and l-r method takes usually 15-20 minutes because of how dense priestâs chapters are. So... l-r method chapters take 1 hour a piece... if I get into a reading mood, Iâll ultimately probably just primarily focus on the reading.
Secondary goal, not as important, I will start this if desired but it might wait until February+. Listen-Read Method Guardian, until Iâve gotten through the entire novel. I finally have all the translations gathered up, Iâve got my chinese copy of the novel, and avenuexâs audiobook. I have everything ready to simply start. However, as mentioned, this is a time heavy activity. I do think it will be very helpful for improving my listening skills, and to a degree also - helping retain my reading skills, push my reading speed up a little, and maybe help me pick up some new words. I think it will be a very compatible activity with goal 1, or a nice follow up activity to goal 1. Also it is the DREAM, as that novel is what pushed me to start learning chinese initially... so I am very excited to read through it. Ideally, I start this activity AFTER Tian Ya Ke, and I do a full readthrough of the chapters like: read in english, audio with english, audio with chinese, read intensively in chinese. Basically, I would love to include a full intensive read through of Zhen Hun at the same time Iâm l-r methodâing it. However that will be Even more time sapping, so thatâs not necessarily gonna happen unless my reading speed for priest novels is a little better after Tian Ya Ke. I need to get through the chapters read in chinese in closer to 20 minutes instead of the current 40 minutes it takes me.Â
Optional. Listen to chinese when I can - in the background like Chinese Spoonfed, audio books, audio dramas, and by watching shows in only chinese. If I have time, and I feel like doing these, I will. Itâs easy to add doing this to my day, so when I remember to do them, theyâre helpful.Â
Main Goal for January - continue reading Tian Ya Ke. <3
Once thatâs completed, next main goal - Listen-Read Method with Guardian.Â
See? Really extremely straightforward goal for January. Simply keep reading! I think the more I read, the easier it will get, the faster it will get, and the quicker Iâll be able to get through a LOT of the novels I want to check out. So... I have to start doing it, if I intend to get better.
Unrelated notes:
Iâve gotten really into Drakengard 3 lately. Which by extension, means really into Nier Automata again, Nier (Nier Replicant remaster is releasing and I am getting the version with the scriptbooks and am intensely excited), and Drakengard. Yoko Taroâs wild concepts and fascinating characterizations and way of telling stories has sucked me in again. And I am reminded how very much eventually learning to read Japanese IS still a long term goal of mine. Iâm back to playing like 3 games right now I could so easily be practicing my japanese with... if I remembered any japanese ToT. Itâs like at the edges of my brain... I remember the hiragana and katakana after a minute or two... the kanji Iâve completely forgotten, but since I know a lot of the meanings from chinese now, I can often parse out the meaning of sentences in manga Iâve got... I canât remember the particles off the top of my head or when I listen, but when I read their meaning clicks again fast... I know that when I go back, its just a matter of a crash course and then diving in again. And wow am I eager. But I know myself, and japanese is gonna take a WHILE. And chinese is currently taking a LOT of dedication, I donât even really have time to work on my french reading lol. So I would really prefer to get at least another year in chinese before even trying to start studying japanese again. (And realistically 2-3 more years of chinese, because I genuinely think a solid basis in speaking skills/basic listening skills, and generally Competent webnovel reading skills I want before I stop actively studying chinese... because by that time Iâll want to keep reading/listening to chinese for pleasure, chatting when needed, and if I stop studying before that point I know I personally will just end up needing to relearn some big chunks. I also think if I try to go back to japanese before that point, I will have major issues confusing the two when reading. My japanese was upper-beginner when I quit, and when I started chinese I sped past that point in chinese to the point pretty quickly chinese blocked out what japanese i knew and it made japanese reading easier but only to a point. My chinese Iâd put at âbeginnerâ still?? But compared to my japanese its significantly farther - in chinese I can currently read manhua without a dictionary and get enough to translate most of it myself, and read simpler novels and get most of it, and read more complex novels and get the gist main idea even if its a slog.Â
With japanese? Ahahahahahah! I was able to read the very simplest of manga and only get the very bare main idea gist, could NOT even comprehend any novel, and could play a video game on MEMORY of what i knew the context was, only picking out quite basic words. However, even though my chinese has gotten a fair bit further... I want it even further before I stop actively studying it so much. I want it to the point its where my french reading level was at about 2.5 years into french (or honestly, a bit Better than my french was tbh). I want my chinese to be to the point, where I recognize enough hanzi that I can guess the meaning of some new words, that I can look up most new words with with pinyin because i at Least know the pinyin for most hanzi i see, and where in most not-too-difficult webnovels i read, I know enough of the words, that i can comfortably follow the gist of the main plot without too much strain even if i miss details. so at that point, Iâll still likely want to build up my vocabulary more - so that i can learn to translate, and so that i can pick up details easier, and read faster. But Iâll at least be at a point where i can easily maintain the skills i have and improve them a bit naturally by just continuing to read. I mean... realistically even, I should try to keep studying chinese a lot at that point... I really, really want to be able to read chinese novels. But thatâs probably the minimum at which Iâd feel quite comfortable focusing on another language intensively.
With japanese, I already have a study plan too! A study plan I know works for me! Itâll be so simple! Parts 1-4 would be structured study, parts marked + would be options to move onto, and parts marked * would be activities that could be done concurrently.Â
The japanese study plan, whatever year I finally can get to it:
Listen to Japanese Audio Lessons (japaneseaudiolessons.com). I did this before, and it helped my listening comprehension/vocabulary pick up so much.
Read Learn to Read in Japanese Vol I, II, III (by the same people). I loved these books back when I started them, the best mnemonics that Iâd found for myself to pick up the kanji - easiest way for me to pick them up without brute forcing it.
(concurrently with above) go through Nukemarines LLJ memrise decks. Literally, just CRAM through those. I did that at the 2+ year mark for japanese, and that was REALLY when I was finally able to start reading and trying video games, so it clearly was what worked for me.
Read my book Read Japanese. Havenât tried this yet, but it looks like a good place to progress, This would be done after step 1+2, either concurrently with Nukemarine or after Nukemarine depending on how much is done. Just cram Through this book since itâs got a lot of basics in the beginning. Its in the same structure as my DeFrancis Chinese Readers and very well suited to my learning style.
Read my Tuttle Read Japanese book. More difficult, goes into like 2000 kanji, a ton of vocab, and most people who read this said afterward reading regular japanese material was quite doable.
+If my Nukemarine deck is completed - move onto one of my japanese decks with more words, or Clozemaster Japanese sentences.
+If my japanese audio lessons are completed - move onto one of my other japanese audio collections like the japanese pimsleur that was condensed, or that website with a ton of condensed audio of episodes (https://www.paliss.com/). Or youtube channels like Game Gengo (https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLT12i1gB38HG1olutL08nID8gaGWHZS4v).Â
+at the point Nukemarineâs deck is done, Listening-Reading method with japanese novels is an option.Â
+at the point Iâm done with all Read Japanese books, may read through some other japanese textbooks I have, starting with: Japanese Particles and Common Sentence Structures, Kodansha Kanji Learnerâs Guide.Â
*Find a japanese reader equivalent to Pleco (check subreddit r/learnjapanese, r/refold, r/massimmersionapproach). Start reading whatever japanese novels I want. Which knowing me, will probably be light novels, maybe some visual novels, and video game related materials. *Ideally this step would be done last, but knowing me, itâll be done whenever i feel like starting - could be attempted as early as midway through the Nukemarine decks.
*Listen to japanese - so many options here, realistically it would be me playing video games in japanese, watching jdramas, watching/listening to spinoff material of stories I like like the YorHa stage plays etc. Can be attempted as early as midway through Nukemarine decks.
*reading manga could be anywhere in this list, although I donât do it much anymore. But I was just getting to being able to try this last time I was studying japanese, so I could start up again whenever. Only negative, I would say, is I think my improvement suffered back then because I was too scared to try reading actual novels. So novels are prioritized as reading material. It would be nice to help translate some mangas though - so thereâs an option.
*maybe try translating some japanese things i have interest in, at a late point.
I think maybe, the biggest thing studying chinese has taught me about how i learn languages, is that I improve faster when challenged. I learn better when challenged. I tried to read Chinese novels from the first few months (not well, but i tried lol), I watched chinese dramas from day one, and I tried to watch chinese shows only in chinese from month 5 onward. From month 5 onward I started trying to talk/write with people (knowing maybe 400 words at first, quickly bumping up to 1000 words in a month cause of just needing it, so it definitely helped me). And when I started listening to audio more, my listening skill noticeably improved within a few months. As a result, my chinese in a little over a year is taking much less time to improve then I projected it was going to (I figured the progress Iâve made so far, was going to take 3-4 years). Whereas with japanese, I didnât try to start reading or playing video games or listening a lot until 2 years into studying... and I also didnât make any noticeable improvement until then. So going into any language study moving forward, Iâll do more to challenge myself earlier. Since clearly its helpful to me.
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