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callmearcturus · 2 years

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the gross pointe blank au

goddammit i CANNOT locate the post about this

okay so before the Epilogue killed my love of HS, i was meticulously planning out a fic that spiritually became SWDKTOWL. it was the Gross Pointe Blank AU.

the basic concept was a reworking of the original movie but with dirkjake. jake and dirk were high school sweethearts-- oh shit i found the original summary

Jake English went through the same crisis a lot of teenagers do on the cusp of adulthood, and ran away from home. He ran all the way into the army and was funneled into a particular CIA program that handles extrajudicial operations. He learned plenty of important life skills, like sniping and poison application and martial executions before leaving the CIA to go into business for himself as a private contractor.

Back in Austin, Jake left behind his high school sweetheart, Dirk Strider, but Dirk Strider never quite left him, carried around like a bullet waiting for its home. First, Jake dreamed of Dirk nightly, the boy he’d stood up and run away from. Then, a few years later, he learned his old flame was running a radio show back home. Soon, Jake’s jobs were filled with the voice of that same ghost every night.

He didn’t have to acknowledge how creepy this was, pining over his ex while listening to his show during jobs. Not until a job called him back to Austin, back to his once hometown.

This was going to be awkward.

yeah so jake runs away from home, becomes a gov't agent, then goes into business as an assassin, traveling the world, meeting people, and killing them. he's very much adrift, and still hung up on the things he abandoned and left behind.

when the information tech revolution happens, jake gets a smartphone and does the one thing you should NEVER DO and looks up his ex. dirk is still in Austin, TX, and it turns out his rich daddy bought him a radio station (well, Dave bought the station and thus Dirk can do his nightly music-and-philosophy show). and when jake realizes he can stream this show, he starts doing so. every night. his phone remains synched to the time zone back in Austin just so he can always know when its time.

i had this very very vivid image of jake, just getting out of a really bad job, stealing a car, and parking it in one of those tall, automated parking garages in dubai. as he waits for his pain meds to kick in at 1am, he listens to dirk's show, his phone resting on his chest, listening to dirk talk about obscure music opinions.

(many more details under the cut)

also here's the kicker; i was going to try to uh. voice the segments and embed them in the fic. yeah i know, terrible. here's the only one i previewed, all the way back in 2019. yeah don't laugh at me.

anyway, eventually The Plot kicks off. Jake fucks up a job (i had it in my head he was supposed to assassinate Cronus but accidentally killed Eridan, and the client (Dualscar) was Not Happy). he has to take a high profile job in the US to make amends. it just so happens to be in Austin, TX. What are the fucking odds.

now in the original GPB movie, Dan Akroyd plays this rival assassin who wants to form an Assassin Union and tries to force John Cuscak to join in. that's dated now in 2022, as it was in 2019 when i was plotting this so instead:

as soon as jake lands in the US, his car is tailed. really unsubtly. he finds a secluded spot to pull off too. it turns out good old Janey wants to have a chat. now that Jake has slinked back to the US, she wants to float this idea she has of franchising the murder biz, and she wants Jake to buy in and open one of the franchises under her banner. Jake is like yeah no that seems silly, this is an industry of mentally ill folks with a shitload of guns, we're not exactly the most community-driven of peoples. Jane tells him to reconsider. 8) He should really reconsider. Under her plan, in 5 years there will be no freelance work, it'll ALLLLL be under her umbrella and if Jake knows what's good for him, he'll get in at the ground floor. They part contentiously.

So Jake is SUPPOSED to open up this dossier on his target and get to killing, but. He's back home, and can super casually drive past Dirk's radio station while listening to it. Not creepy at all! Not obsessed and hung up on it! Nope!

He gets caught out eventually, not by Dirk but by Roxy. (Roxy is trans and Jake was the first person she told her cool new name too, and they were super close back in the day.) She is hyped as fuck to see Jake but also like "yo why the fuck are you idling in a rented car outside the job of the dude you stood up so much you left the fucking country, homes?"

it's a mess, and Jake wants to reconnect with people. it's Fucking Hard because he's uuuuuuuuuuh having a midlife crisis? basically? thinking about his life, his job, and all he left behind. meanwhile, jane is trying to do jake's assassination before he can to scope it out from under him and get him into even DEEPER shit with Dualscar, but jake cannot focus on that shit when he finally can see dirk again.

and dirk is. not THRILLED to see him. because Dirk waited and waited and waited, and Jake never came back, and Dirk isn't SAYING he never got over it but. yeah. so Dirk is tsuntsundere at best with jake, but jfc every time they are in a room together they can Feel It, the tension.

All of this is interspersed with more radio segments. one i really liked was Dirk doing a Arctic Monkeys block and having a whole segment about Alex Turner and that thing he said about how he wrote the best album of 2013 ("AM") and how fucking infuriating men like that are, because he's right, obviously, but also what is the poisoned lure of dudes who walk around knowing the effect they have on you? how do you handle them? (he's talking about jake natch) there was a lot of specially curated music that's basically a conversation-by-proxy with jake, i was gonna have a lot of fun there.

anwyay, things come to a head. right as jake is like "okay I'm gonna do this final job and then QUIT and try things with dirk," he opens the dossier he shoulda opened two weeks ago.... and his target is Dave fucking Strider. dumb. fucking. luck.

jake rushes to save dirk's dad from being merced by Jane's team, and does the full john cusack, "Dirk. [murders a guy] I'm in love with you. And I think we can make this work!" action sequence

/JAZZ HANDS

#gross pointe blank au #assassin au #the ORIGINAL assassin AU lmao #dirkjake #instead of all this i wrote KTOWL when i came back to HS #my fic #spooky jake autumn #this jake DEF counts

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agentwallflower · 4 years

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Supernova, Chapter 1

Hey, here we are again!

I have a headache and I got rejected from UFO, so... good thing I had a backlog because I had zero energy to write this week! Yay! Remember to stay inside, folks! Essential workers like me don’t wanna see you.

Next chapter goes up May 2nd. I’m gonna go work on my nano now and continue to drown my sorrows in coke zero.

Also if you enjoyed the chapter and want to contribute to my coke zero addiction, my Ko-Fi is here! Thanks, and I’ll see you guys in two weeks.

Nothing like waking up face first on the ground to make you appreciate not having your face shoved into the ground.

“Andy, you better be out of bed!”

Technically, Andromeda Noble was... half? Out of bed. It was hard to figure out fractions when her face was down and her ass was in the air like that. It took her a few moments to have enough consciousness to right herself, but once she did, half was a pretty decent estimate of how she had come to that morning.

What the hell she had been doing to wind up that way, however, was beyond her.

“I'm up, Mom!” Her deep voice boomed through the floor as she stood and glanced around the room she called her own. It had at one point been attic storage for her family. In some cases, it still was – only the thing it happened to be storing was her and what her mother considered a more than healthy dose of teenage angst. The joke was on her, of course – she was 20. No more teens years left there.

Her mother's annoyed tone also carried through the wood like tar bubbling through the cracks. “Less attitude, more getting dressed! If you make your sister late-”

Andy tuned the rest out in favor of scrounging around her bedroom floor for mostly clean clothes. Sure, she heard the increasingly annoyed comments coming from the floor below, but they were meaningless sounds to her. It was a talent she had honed over the years: the sacred art of in one ear and out the other when it came to the woman.

While sun streamed through the attic window, she held up a pair of suspicious jeans and gave them the once over. Neither of her sisters would have been OK with it, but they weren't the ones wearing them. Soon she was, and after finding a shirt to match it was a matter of grabbing her bag to head down the stairs.

“Hope you're doing alright today, old man.” She patted a bear on her desk as she reached for a necklace hanging from its outstretched palm. In places, it was tattered, and its soft fur was more than a little threadbare at this point where someone had torn it and made a clumsy repair. It still held its plush shield just fine, which was good enough for her. With that little ritual, down the stairs she went with heavy footsteps.

The bathroom mirror showed a blank expression and eyes that tried to stare straight through the glass. The few people Andy interacted with sometimes called her gaze intimidating. Of course, that was when they were being nice. Mostly, it was creepy. Of course, that was her face so there wasn't much she could do about it.

“Well, here goes.” Andy threw the necklace over her head and settled it into place. After a quick check of her teeth, everything looked to be as it should. “Alright. Looks like I'm good to go then.”

With that, she swung the door open and exited the bathroom. As she did, she caught faint, subtle strains of conversation coming down from the living room. From the sounds of things, her mother and older sister were having a conversation.

That hadn't taken long.

“I already told you, I have something to do! You take her!”

“We've been over this, I'm already late to work!”

Ah, the usual debate. Andy leaned on the handrail as she leaned over to listen. From where she was standing, she could see the rest of her family arguing at the front door over who got custody of her for the day. From the sound of things, her mother was winning.

Her mother always did – she could scream louder.

She could practically picture her sister rolling her eyes as she grabbed for her keys. “Whatever, next time you take her.”

“Watch the attitude, I let you live here for free.” Andy had to duck behind the wall as her mother turned on her heel. “Andy, you better be down in two minutes or else! Don't make me come up there!”

And do what, try to drag her down the stairs? Now that would be a sight to see. However, Andy wasn't in the mood to make her mother angrier than she was. After all, their youngest sister had the right to a decent day. So she started down the stairs after a delay. It was easier to act.

“I'm ready, Mom.”

“Next time get up when I call you.” Amanda Nobel, mother, lawyer, and major source of stress, was already out the door. “Sara, we'll talk about this when I get home tonight.”

The door slammed shut behind her, leaving the siblings alone. The room's temperature dropped five degrees as her older sister rounded on her. At least some of her annoyance was gone. Their mother leaving helped with that.

That probably wasn't a good sign, but what did she know?

“Took you long enough.” Sara was a med student, and kind of a pain in her nonexistent ass, but that was what family did. “Shouldn't it take you like two seconds to get ready?”

Andy rolled her eyes as she walked past her sister. “Wanted to look nice for you and the eggheads at the lab I guess. You don't have your study group today anyway.”

Her sister was soon on her heels, and Andy could almost feel the heat radiating off her face as they headed towards the way out. “I have... something to do today.”

Judging from that tone of voice, that something was more of a someone. Well, she wasn't about to spill those beans, not to her mother. Still, it was good dirt that she was more than happy to save away for the moment. Later, she would share it with their youngest sibling. After all, both of them deserved to benefit from the juicy details.

Sara stopped to grab her lunch and toss Andy hers with a practiced throw. “A thank you would be nice, you know..I don't have to take you to the lab every day. ”

Her younger sibling shrugged her shoulders – or at least tried to as she tucked her lunch in her bag. “You kind of do if mom can't take me. Not like I'm allowed to leave the house without someone watching me.”

It wasn't like she particularly liked being under constant watch, but it was just part of her life. Over the years, she had hoped for it to lessen, but it had only gotten worse the older she got. Now it was just an unpleasant reality she dealt with by employing a healthy dose of sarcasm whenever someone asked her about it.

Of course, since she really only talked to scientists and her family on the regular, most of them were immune to it by now. Oh well, the new techs were always fun to sass when they were getting their lab legs. It was her one pleasure in life.

“Ugh, whatever.” A clear sign she had won that one. “Come on, we need to leave so we can beat the traffic to the lab. Try not to put a dent in the roof of the car this time, will you?”

“I make no promises.”

Andy was soon out the door, into a bright day with clear blue skies and a warm breeze that blew as she walked. Her flight of freedom was just a short walk to her sister's car – before she knew it, she was sliding in. At least she hadn't dented the hood this time.

In her defense... she put it back the last time just fine?

Sara slid into the driver's seat in order to get things going. Both of them caught sight of their mother's car as she disappeared down the road, going slightly above the speed limit. If that wasn't a sign she was going to be a real delight when she got home that night, Andy didn't know what would be. Maybe she should stay up in the attic when she got home...

Andy shot her sister a look. ”She seems cheerful this morning.”

The ghost of a smile flitted across Sara's lips as she started the car. “'I'll tell you when I can't see her anymore, you know she can hear a mouse fart.”

Andy's body shook as they pulled away from the curb and started down the road that would take them to the city. If she had been anyone else, that would have been an all out doubled over laughing fit. However, she couldn't, so it wasn't. The shaking was good enough for her anyway.

Her sister cast a glance at her when they stopped at a red light a few minutes down the road. “You know Jen's recital is coming up, right?”

“Shit, really?” Andy glanced out the window, at the cars around them. Better than to see the frustration in her sister's eyes. “Are you going to be able to make it?”

Sara sighed and shook her head in response. “I don't think so, I have work and I can't get anyone to cover my shift.”

Andy's shoulders drooped as she leaned back in the seat. “And I'm not allowed to go out without someone keeping an eye on me. If Mom can't go, and Aunt Miri has temple...”

A cold sensation dropped to the pit of her stomach. Their youngest sister, the one she was probably the most fond of honestly, was one of the best dancers she had ever seen. Of course, she was probably the only dancer she had ever seen through a shaky phone screen, but that didn't matter. Jen was good, and she deserved to have someone there to watch her.

Damn it all... she wanted to go.

“Welcome to what what me and mom had an argument over last night if you didn't hear us through the floor.” Sara adjusted the mirror as traffic picked up. There were more cars now as they were drawing closer to the exit for the city. “I mean, you're 20. You should be able to go places on your own.”

Her older sister was starting to pick at a wound that never got the chance to scab over at that point. Andy could hear their mother's arguments ringing through her head as she leaned her head against the glass. Something about the vibrations from the car helped settle the cold feeling, but it never really left her. By now she figured it was her version of being depressed.

“I know.”

This was probably where she would have sighed, but... it was complicated. Instead, she shrugged her shoulders once more. “But we all had the damn rules drilled into our heads about what I can and can't do.”

She could recite them by heart – no going out unless it was with someone on a very small approved list. No internet use unless it was monitored. And most of all, don't do anything stupid. That last one was a bit vague, but it was the one her mother harped on the most for some reason.

Like she even had the chance to be stupid...

“Hey, you OK? Feels like it dropped five degrees in here.”

Andy picked up her head to see Sara was looking over at her. Normally that would have been dangerous, but the car was stopped in the midst of a lovely traffic jam. Now while she didn't have her license – another point on the cannot do list – she was pretty sure that was safe.

Mostly. It was hard to tell some times with how her mother drove. The woman had never seen a speed limit she didn't break.

“Huh?” She shrugged. “I mean... not really. It's kind of annoying being taken everywhere like I'm 5. I know you guys hate doing it, and it's not like I enjoy having to stay home while kids half my age can go outside and do shit.”

Sara frowned at her reaction. “I don't mi-”

Andy's shoulders shook with her version of a bitter laugh. “Yes you do, everyone does. I'm not dumb like Mom thinks I am.”

Her older sister flinched, but she didn't pull away. “I mean... well yeah, it's kind of weird you can't go out and all.”

Weird was putting it mildly.

At least Sara had the good grace to keep her eyes on the road ahead of them at that point. Andy was glad for that as she rested her head back against the glass. Traffic was going even slower now – close to a complete stop. On such a busy road it wasn't unusual, but something about it felt... off.

Maybe that was why the med student fished her phone out of her pocket and handed it over to Andy. “I'm watching what you do. Can you check to see if there's an alert?”

Andy's fingers were a blur as she unlocked the phone.. Almost immediately, a warning sound echoed from the phone's speakers. Text flickered across the screen, scrolling in red and white. Until she turned the device upside-down, it meant nothing to her. Once it was properly aligned...

“Ah, shit.”

Sara winced as she placed a hand over her forehead. “Don't tell me...”

“Downtown's all tied up because Cryojolt turned the roads into a skating rink. Citizens are advised to stay in their houses and not cause trouble.” Andy held up the phone to where a live news broadcast was starting to play.

Some brave cameraman had gotten close enough to the action to show their loyal viewers that half the shopping district was covered in a thick layer of ice that wasn't even close to melting despite the heat. A few cars were frozen feet in the air, as if blown up by water that quickly turned to ice. It looked beautiful, but in reality it was a nightmare for everyone involved.

“Great.” Sara groaned and laid her head on the steering wheel. “We're going to be stuck here forever.”

Andy handed her phone back without prompting. “At least now you can tell me about that guy you're hiding from Mom.”

After all, they were about to be stuck in a car with each other for quite a long time. Might as well make things interesting.

#Supernova Collision Trilogy

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mnemehoshiko · 5 years

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I Really Should Just Invest In Naps + TMI: HEALTH STUFF (x-posted DW/PF)

I'm so tired. I really need to think of a better way of starting these beyond, "hi hello. i am tired. ONCE A FUCKING GAIN."

My parents came Thursday evening to help my brother move on Friday. He's moving apartments and i'm lowkey jealous because he has

TWO ROOMS!!!

A REAL BATHROOM!!

a fucking washer and dryer in unit

all utilities covered except for internet

for fucking 950/month. T___T

The only con is that he's farther from things compared to his, now, prior apartment. Also it's carpeted which is a downside for me (and probably him). But ughhhhh.

But he did most of the movie on his own before they showed up on Friday? So they didn't have a lot left to move.

Mama brought me pillows?? Which are Nice and Lovely and I like the Color but it was also just weird to go downstairs to let them in and have the exchange of

Me: SALAAM MOM

Mother: Salaam, I have your pillows. *thrusts garbage bag filled with pillows at moi*

Me:*blinks* (thinking....when....did I....ask....for pillows??? In retrospect, it was probably one of those things I like claimed when grandma posted stuff to the family WhatsApp group?? And I probably?? Forgot???) Mother: *squints* you just woke up didn't you. Me, who got dressed in like 3 minutes immediately after she called saying they were here: *takes pillows* =__= (I had Not Just Woken Up. I had woken up and then rolled over. VAST DIFFERENCE!! ....there is no difference.) (In my defense, my period has literally Just Started and I'm like Not Happy By This. T_T) They ask if I want to come to my brother's place to move stuff and I'm like, "i'll go on the second round." (also known as attempt to clean my apartment, haahhahaha) I help with the second round of stuff and we all pile into the mini-van to go my brother's place and it's NICE and I am Not Envious but I'm Not Not Envious. =___=

He has Actual Windows. T__T (my bedroom does not. my apartment...has A Lot of Flaws but It's Walking Distance From Many Things So I'm Paying for Convenience) (is this my current mantra? MAYBE.) Anyway, afterwards we go to Costco because like That Is What I Care About. And we Costco'd up. And had minor rage that a pack of 3, clinical strength "lady" deodorants were 12.99 vs 10.99 for 5 pack of "men" clinical deodorant. My brother concurred and has like also read up on the "pink tax" before and like if he ends up marrying a lady, I'M JUST LIKE??? CONGRATS?? WE HAVE TRAINED SOME SEMBLANCE OF A WOKE BLACK MALE. PLEASE DIRECT PRAISE TO MY MOTHER AND MY SISTERS. (no really, he can cook, clean, grocery shop, basically function as a decent human being and like LISTENS WHEN WOMEN TALK IN A THOUGHTFUL MANNER. He also is willing to openly weep during movies, so like congrats.) Anyway, then we went to Sprouts?? Which is like the Large Hippie Grocery Store in Durham and I uhhhh had never been there properly and now I understand why little brother sometimes grocery shops there. There were So Many Types of Almond Milk I Was In Heaven. (update: have discovered that Sprouts....instacarts to my area......as does Sur la Table. This Is Dangerous Information.) Then we went to the hardware store to acquire somethings for little bro's apartment and then we popped back to my place and my mother was like LET ME HELP YOU WITH THINGS. Me, aware my apartment is still disastrous: "That's....not....necessary." Narrator: The mother was undeterred. She did not have a conniption but she did go into Deep Maternal Worry Mode with Bonus Overbearing and Meddling Steamrolling. Internal Me: She means well. She means well. She feels guilty that she's not Around More Often Even Though I Made The Choice To Move Down South. Mother: are you okay? I know you have the anxiety and depression but has anything else happened?? You know?? You'd feel better if this place was cleaner. Me: *pained nods* Mother: Has anything else happened that you haven't told us??? I know you have the health things but anything else? Me: ...no??? (Beyond health and like my inability to like sleep properly, nothing else has happened but stress of my grad life. =_=_ Mother: LETS TAKE JUST 5 MINUTES AND TIDY THINGS UP A LITTLE

Me, who's hungry and still Has Not Eaten In Spite of It Being 5pm: mother Mother, with broom and dustpan and trashbag: COME ALONG. Internal Me: She means Well. At Least She Is Here And Alive. Appreciate The Time You Have With Her. She Means Well. *grits teeth* We clean. WE ALMOST THROW AWAY ONE OF MY ROTHYS BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LOOK INSIDE BOXES BEFORE THROW SHIT OUT!!! And then we go to the restaurant for dinner....where the kitchen messes up my little brother's order and has chapati on the plate and he has a severe wheat allergy. So he takes Benadryl and my mother....goes into....deep worry mode Again. SHOULD WE LEAVE HIM AT HIS APARTMENT BY HIMSELF???? SHOULD WE TAKE HIM TO THEIR HOTEL??

my mother, once again, making plans without idk ASKING EITHER PARTY INVOLVED: MNEME, YOU SHOULD STAY AT HIS PLACE OVERNIGHT!! HE HAS A WASHER AND DRYER SO YOU CAN DO YOUR LAUNDRY THERE FOR FREE!!! me, a known cheap but is fucking exhausted and trying desperately to Not Snap At My Mother Because That Is Not Respectful But Also Looking Forward to Flopping on Her Fucking Couch and Maybe Even Getting A Waterbottle for my tummy: ....yes mother. =___= My dad upon seeing my mother and I exiting the apartment complex with my laundry: ???? Me, wordlessly pleading for salvation: o__o My mother, once we get to my brother's apartment: ....you know I probably should have asked before making this plan... My brother and I having Just Accepted Our Fate: *crickets* I give my brother the air mattress to blow up until he gets a Real Bed, (the place came unfurnished--which is the other reason I haven't moved because i'd need to like Get Furniture And At This Stage of My PhD, It's Just Not Worth It--so he has No Furniture At All). I sleep on the floor instead of telling my brother to just scoot over and let me ALSO SLEEP on the mattress which is a Queen-sized mattress. Nor does it occur to him to offer it to me. *stares into the void at my back* (In her defense, she did message us apologizing and I know she wasn't doing it maliciously and she's over zealous at times because she feels bad that like I'm a few hundred miles away. Alone. By myself. Single and thus don't have like anyone who's there for emotional support which like does suck but also I AM DOING... Not Amazing But Not As Bad As Undergrad? So...yeah.) I do all my laundry except for like One set that I do in the morning because my father is slow as molasses for Anything and I Know That While My Mother Wants To Leave Early they will not be here early and I have accepted this reality. Mother: WE'RE GOING TO BE THERE By 7:30 AT THE LATEST Narrator: They arrived around 10ish. We still managed to get to the farmers markets though? WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED HER TO EXPERIENCE. NC may not have Many Good Things but The Farmer Markets are So So Nice?? And big??? I have also realized if you wear a shirt that says "Ask me, I'm a scientist!" Shockingly, people read it and like ASK. Me, who slept in this shirt and threw a cardigan on because I was Too Lazy To Put On A Real Adult Shirt: ????? ! oooohhhhh... i do science. yes. yes, i do. Also got my brother to change his address because the voter registration folks were there and like IT'S EASIER TO DO IT THERE then like Figure Out Where To Go, so like We Did Our Civic Duty Today. *finger guns* Got some loaves of GF bread from the bread seller that sells Actual Edible GF bread. Sadly, they were out of raisin because it was 11am and like they open at 7am. T___T

Then we grabbed my dad, who went to the coffee shop....to work. It's been almost a full year since his open-heart surgery and he's back to being a Workaholic. =___=

Then we went to Lowes because he needed something and my parents FAILED TO COMMUNICATE PLANS and he was like...."oh I thought we were going to do it on the way back to MD??". Either way, I now have an adapter to make a three pronged plug into a two pronged one? So yay?

Then we took me, and my laundry, back to my place. My mother gave yet more instructions. I just smiled and nodded and reminded that she meant well.

And then ran back to the car because SHE WAS SO INSISTENT ON LIKE MOVING MY LAUNDRY BASKETS THAT SHE ALMOST LEFT HER MEDS BEHIND!! Me, ....this...is why....i said.... i could do it.......

But they are now back safely in MD, along with my brother because he has an orhto appointment. I was debating going back with them but I uh can't because I have a meeting with my PI on wednesday. And thus, I stay here. But I have a lot of article revisions and analyses to do so it sadly makes sense.

Maybe I'll try to go NY in Aug or mid-July?

IN FUN HEALTH THINGS, new game that I hate; "is this blood from my period or from my ass?" Spoiler: It's both~~~." Which now makes me regretting uh telling the gastro office that "no, I don't have symptoms so I don't think the steroid is necessary??" But in my defense, I DIDN'T HAVE SYMPTOMS ON WEDNESDAY WHEN THEY CALLED. Also they uh, usually are 3-6 months apart not 1.5 months...apart. So that was an unpleasant surprise which led to me pass out in bed when my parents left because ahhahahaha blood loss is v v exhausting and I forgot to pack my iron pills last night.

-____-

So, my mother is coming down again in July to take me to my sigmoidscopy. In which, they'll see things. Or they won't. I hope they see something? Anything? I don't want UC but I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

- why i've been constantly inflamed since 2015?

- i know what hemorrhoidal bleeding looks like and uhhhhh i'm sorry but I shouldn't be dropping Actual Clots Out Of My Ass

*lies down*

i just want to not be tired and my intestines to not hate me as much. =_=

Okay, I am Going To Actually Sleep After I Knock Back Some Licorice Tea for my throat. (it's....super sore for some reason which is Not Great since I have D&D tomorrow most likely.)

#mneme's adventures in adulting #mneme: a life #mneme's health #mneme's fam

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sophygurl · 5 years

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I’ve been wanting to write about how I feel about The Magicians S4 finale, but I’ve also been waiting a bit because I know a lot of fans are in a lot of pain about it, and since my feelings differ from the majority - well I didn’t wanna intrude right away.

(This post is obviously gonna have spoilers thru the end of S4) (Also talk of suicidal ideation, euthanasia, heroic sacrifice, and death generally)

For the record, I 100% understand why people are upset, and all of those feelings are perfectly valid.

I’m not writing this in the hopes of changing anyone’s mind, but only to share my own thoughts and feelings. If there are others who feel similarly, there can be some space and solidarity for that. If there are folks who are hurt but open to seeing another side, possibly this can help in some healing. IDK.

But also? If you’re still really deep in your feelings about this and might be triggered by a more positive outlook on the ending? Be safe and maybe don’t read on. It’s perfectly okay to just skip this.

For the record, I am queer myself. And also mentally ill. I have had suicidal ideation in the past, although thanks to meds and lots of therapy, that’s not a current danger for me. I have also lost someone to suicide. So know that none of my feelings about this come from an insensitivity or of ignorance of any of those issues.

In fact, I have deep issues with the bury your gay trope. And I have grieved over the loss of main characters in other shows I’ve been deeply invested in. So i get it all, from a personal level. I just connected differently to this one.

To be fair, Quentin was never my favorite character in The Magicians. I didn’t hate him. I maybe slightly disliked him in the beginning, found him kind of annoying? But he grew on me.

And his death became very personally and deeply meaningful to me because of how he grew on me, and why his character became more important to me.

Let me back up a little.

As I said, at first Quentin did kind of annoy me. He seemed self-centered in that way that cishet white boys often are (yes I know it turned out he was bi, but we didn’t know that at first). His character was definitely portrayed as someone who was only tuned in to his own suffering, his own hopes and dreams and ambitions, his own story.

As someone who has lived with chronic depression, I understand that depression can do that to a person. Depression and trauma and chemical imbalances can make you feel like you’re in your own little foggy world of pain and everything that goes wrong is further evidence of your own badness and/or the badness and unfairness of the world for allowing these things to happen.

We often talk, in treatment, about the selfishness of depression. This can at first feel bewildering because we feel like nothing is about us, because of how awful everything feels. But we come to understand how hyper focused we can be on our own pain. It’s ... really hard. To see past that pain, to see anything good, to relate to the pain of others, to not turn everything into more fuel for the depression fire.

So I get it. I’m not trying to shame Quentin for having felt this way early on. I’m just explaining why he was not an early favorite of mine.

On the other hand, I was very drawn to the other characters - to Eliot and Margo, to Penny and Kady, to Julia and Alice, and eventually to Fen and Josh and Poppy and Marina, etc. I was drawn not just to them individually as characters, but to their relationships and connections to one another.

And as Quentin’s world began to expand, so did the world of the show. As Quentin started to come out of his depressive funk and to understand the pain of everyone else in his orbit, so did we in the audience get a chance to connect to all of these other wonderful characters.

And Quentin’s entire arc over four seasons was really so much about him learning how to reach beyond himself. He comes to understand that everyone has their own trauma. He comes to learn that he can’t do this alone, and that neither can anyone else. He comes to see that the world is oh so much bigger than himself and his story. He comes to realize, finally, that he is not - in fact - the main character.

Quentin in season four comes to realize that he’s part of an ensemble cast, and that his loved ones - his dear friends who have been helping him on his way - need him. That while he isn’t going to be the one to be High King of Fillory or to become a God or whatever other course he’s thought might be his - that his part of the story is still important, essential, necessary.

And yes, that includes his death.

And look, I know. I get it. It’s super problematic for one of the few queer characters in the show who also has a history of suicidal thoughts and actions to be the one to sacrifice himself for his friends.

There is ... a lot to unpack in that. And I’m glad the fans have been taking it apart. I am.

But I personally feel so differently about it. Themes of heroic sacrifice have always meant a lot to me.

As I said, I am no longer suicidal, but I still feel strongly that if the time comes - I want to be able to choose my own death. Now, I don’t live in a fantasy novel or an action adventure movie, so I’m probably not going to get the chance to heroically sacrifice myself for my loved ones.

But I want it marked down that I would gladly do that if given the chance. Not because I want to die - I love life, I love my life, but I love my friends and family even more. I’ve never been scared of death. I know most people are, on some level. But that’s never been a thing for me. I neither long for death nor fear it’s coming. It’s just part of life to me.

I sometimes joke that if the zombie apocalypse comes, my loved ones should use me the first time I can be used as bait to save them.

I make this joke, but I also mean it seriously. Because in any kind of apocalyptic scenario? I’m not gonna last long. I live with a severe chronic illness and without medication, I’m going to be both useless to those I care for and miserable for all of my symptoms and the withdrawal from the meds I take to treat them.

(This is not to imply that all people with chronic health problems would be useless - many have skills that would be necessary for survival in apocalyptic settings. I just don’t happen to have any of those skills.)

Come apocalypse time, I won’t be able to walk around or run around or hunt or build things or physically fight people or make clothing or beer or whatever. The absolute best use I could possibly be to my loved ones would be as bait in some kind of trap to allow them to run for their lives and maybe live to see another day. And I’d do that for them, gladly.

In reality, none of that is likely to happen. But I’m still clear that if the time comes, I want to go out on my own terms. I will likely get sicker, with my symptoms more difficult to treat, as time goes on. I know where my limitations are, and have let my friends and family know them as well. If an accident or other illness or injury doesn’t take me out first, if I hit my boundary of what I can live with, I want the choice. I want to be able to leave this life when it feels right for me.

And maybe some people would look at that, and think I’m still depressed and suicidal. But I’m not. I’m happy. I love my life. I’m stable mentally. I’m currently managing my physical shit even when it’s hard. And I’m surrounded by loved ones whose lives are also vitally important to me. As long as I can be of use to them alive - I’m gonna stick around. And be glad of it. But when my time comes - whether by my own choice or not - I’m okay with that, too.

So, I know Quentin isn’t me. And I know he was still struggling emotionally, quite a lot. I know he got to the afterlife and wasn’t even sure, himself, if his sacrifice was more about heroism or suicide.

But I feel like I know. I feel like he would have chosen to stay if he felt he could do so and still save all of his friends, and magic, and the world.

When Penny takes him up to see his friends grieving, I think it’s clear how connected to them he feels. He sees how they loved him, and he knows he loved them, and if he could have chosen to stay - he would have.

But he made a choice. A choice that I found heroic and very profoundly deeply emotionally meaningfully powerfully healing.

Now, again, even though I came to love and appreciate Quentin, he wasn’t my favorite character in the show. So his loss as far as that goes also isn’t as deep for me. But it’s gonna hurt like hell to watch how his death is affecting everyone else.

It’s gonna hurt, but it’s also going to mean a lot to me. To see how his choice, his sacrifice, has allowed them to continue on with their lives, with their missions, with their stories.

Quentin was never the main character. He was always only one part of an ensemble cast. An essential, important, necessary part of that ensemble cast, yes.

But we are still left with so many complex and interesting and diverse characters - so many female characters who are strong and vulnerable in such different ways, and Eliot and Margo’s delightful relationship, and so many more characters facing or coming out of traumas, and so many more fascinating things to explore about magic and how it works and just? So much more.

Quentin will be missed. For sure. But, for me? The show is still very much worth tuning in to.

#the magicians #the magicians meta #quentin coldwater #character death #mental illness #suicidal ideation #sacrifice #heroic sacrifice #life with chronic illness

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words-writ-in-starlight · 6 years

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Oh my gosh you just discovered mash? It's such a good show. It has some really serious episodes, end of season 3 comes to mind. I always imagined the animorphs watching mash or like somehow finding solace in it.

OH BOY BUT HAVE I MENTIONED THE MASH AU OF ANIMORPHS THAT I LITERALLY JUST THOUGHT OF TONIGHT THOUGH?

No, obviously not, I literally just thought of it tonight, but buckle in for it anyway because I’m SUPER in love with this show!!!!!

Now, keeping in mind that I am NOT EVEN three seasons in, here are my current castings, ft. the 4077th being known as The One Full Of Babies Fresh Out Of Med School (these kids are like 27 tops, they’re practically infants in terms of the medical field).

Colonel Elfangor Shamtul, The Local Adult, who’s actually in his late 40′s and is a real actual grown up surgeon with a practice and everything, now the boss of a MASH unit in Korea and discovering that his talent for commanding a surgical theater actually translates really well into commanding a military unit. Most everyone under his command thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread. All his superiors are basically looking for an opportunity to get his ass court martialed when they’re not handing down commendations for his weirdly effective slant-wise thinking. His old buddy Arbron keeps them stocked then the supply lines are cut and if anyone asks Arbron and the Mountaineers are running a completely legitimate shipping enterprise. Elfangor goes by first names with the entire populace unless a general’s there and has never enforced a dress code in his entire life because it would require him to give up his blue jacket. He was transferred to command of the babiest MASH unit as a punishment after the first time his buddy’s legitimate shipping enterprise got tapped for being probably black market.

Corporal Aximili Isthill, the babiest baby, who is 25 and oh my God Elfangor is adopting this boy he loves him so much. They’re not blood relatives but Elfangor got handed a gangly excitable kid as an aide and was basically like “that one’s mine thanks” and never looked back. Ax is actually seven kinds of genius but none of them are medical--he has a stellar memory for medications but no head for anatomy--so he’s more or less single-handedly keeping the base running. He’s apparently some kind of psychic, if his gift for knowing exactly what’s going on where and when at any given time is any indication, and he's discovered a frankly inhuman talent for electrical engineering since he got drafted out of his blossoming career as a perpetual student. Elfangor is making this child get a doctorate if it kills them both, and since it turns out they actually live within an hour of each other in the States, there’s a non-zero chance that Ax will be moving in with him afterward.

Captain Jake Berenson, who is chief surgeon but not second in command and who just wants everyone to cooperate for five fucking minutes please. He is begging. And everyone knows that even though Big Jake (his army nickname within 0.3 seconds because he’s the tallest guy in the unit and built like a Mack truck) isn’t legitimately second in command, he’s the guy you go to if you want to get anything done. He specialized in cranial trauma, which isn’t as useful as you’d think when half the head wound cases die before they reach the hospital, but Jake thought the brain was interesting and made his specialty decision while kinda drunk, so. Leave him alone. The reason he’s chief surgeon isn’t because of any particular medical brilliance--Jake is a good surgeon mostly through sheer pigheadedness, not because he’s a sparkling medical mind--but rather because when Jake starts barking orders, people listen.

Captain Rachel Berenson, who is a surgeon because I don’t care about historical accuracy and because she fought tooth and nail to go to medical school and then signed up for the war when they wouldn’t draft her. She’s at least 60% of the reason Jake is begging people to cooperate, because Rachel has made nine doctors, four nurses, and six patients cry since getting her white coat. He’s not saying she didn’t have her reasons, okay, she has the right to defend her position as a doctor, but also please stop. She knows more about chest injuries than probably anyone else in Korea and she likes to remind people that it means she’d be just as good at inflicting them as patching them up. Marco labels her the Warrior Princess after two days of knowing her and it sticks hard even though she threatened to open him up with a rusty scalpel when she first heard it.

Major Cassie Day, head nurse, who everyone knows is the best at making sure that, once the surgeons have yanked someone back, they stay back. Cassie is an angel, probably, or at least so goes common theory based on the sheer miracles she’s pulled off in her time. As long as someone’s done bleeding to death when they get to her, she’ll probably drag them through--whether they like it or not. She and Rachel are bunkmates because no one knew what to do with a lady surgeon and Cassie offered, and they’ve been best friends ever since, complete with Cassie occasionally helping Rachel’s more hare-brained schemes come together. Everyone and their cousin, including Elfangor, knows that Cassie and the chief surgeon make out in the supply tent, but also the one time Cassie left for a week leave the entire unit broke down so no, they will not be reporting them for breaking frat regs. No matter how much Elfangor’s second-in-command wants to. One time someone talked shit about her skin color and was drummed out of the unit on mysteriously appearing court martial charges two days later. Contrary to popular opinion, it was not Rachel who started the brawl that got him brought up on charges, nor was the guy actually murdered straight up. Arm broken, yes. Murdered, no. Turns out Big Jake hits as hard as he looks like he does.

Captain Marco Reilly, who is the unit psychologist and also Rachel’s top enabler. She spends 80% of her time defending herself as a woman and a surgeon, he spends 80% of his time defending himself either based on his race or based on his career, and they are responsible for 80% of Jake’s ulcer because they get in a huge amount of trouble together. Psychology hasn’t really entered the generally accepted medical field, but Marco specializes in treating trauma and combat fatigue and he gets soldiers back on their feet better than anyone else. He decided on his career when he was a kid and his mom was a nurse in WWII who wrote home about how she saw boys without a mark on them ruined worse than those who would walk with a limp for the rest of their lives, and Marco doesn’t believe in regret. It’s also this mentality that generally leads to him and Rachel being a Problem for Jake. That doesn’t stop Jake from accepting the offer of gin from Marco’s personal still, or from more than occasionally getting swept up in the shenanigans himself.

Corporal Tobias Williams, who is in charge of triage and about 80% trained as a nurse in addition to his other duties. (I know MASH doesn’t formally have someone in charge of triage but they SHOULD okay, listen, they SHOULD.) He’s a decent chopper pilot, too, but the unit tends to contrive reasons to keep him around. Rachel likes to have him assist her in surgery because he has an uncanny talent for spotting things that have the potential to kill her patients almost before she does, and isn’t afraid to mention it. Tobias and Ax fall in together as inseparable besties within about a month, and Tobias learns not to wait for the announcement that wounded are coming in not long after--he just watches Ax tilt his head in that particular way and sprints off to the staging area without missing a beat. For a bit a lot of the unit talked shit behind Tobias’ back, claiming that triage was slacker work, but then there was a day where Tobias spent nineteen hours on the staging area directing choppers and ambulances, stopped for twenty minutes to eat and chug an entire pot of coffee, and turned back out for another twenty hours, and went to assist in OR once the wounded stopped pouring in. Then folks stopped talking shit. Tobias is nervous and jumpy and generally quiet enough that no one ever thinks to suspect him of being trouble, which is why people are always shocked when it turns out that, say, it was his idea to smuggle in a dozen kegs of beer for New Year’s.

(Elfangor spends three months getting really attached to Tobias before he finds out some relevant information and has about a six month crisis about how to approach it. His ultimate solution is TBD.)

Major David Pence, aka That Rat, who is Elfangor’s second in command and a screeching pain in everyone’s ass. Everyone except David knows that his dad bought his way into med school and leveraged his rank in the army to force Elfangor to take the kid on as his second. David’s under the impression that he’s great shakes at surgery and command both, and he straight up tried to report Elfangor when Jake was appointed chief surgeon over his head. That was not a major event, because David tries to report someone about twice a week. About half those attempted reports are either Rachel or Tobias or Ax--Tobias and Ax because he thinks they’re getting above their station, Rachel apparently for the crime of being herself. He cannot be trusted to keep a level head in a crisis and Cassie has had to swoop in and save his patients more than once.

Ji-Min “James” Song is a civilian doctor, their primary contact at a long-term recovery facility in Seoul where they send patients who are destined for a discharge. Every time James rolls up to collect a patient, it is heavily implied that very similar chicanery is going on at his place, and he and Jake get drunk together to commiserate a lot.

Elfangor gets drunk with them too, sometimes.

#mash #animorphs #the one where the 4077 is full of babies #featuring stealth david? i just wanted him to be there to get kicked around as an easy target #for my soul #all i ever want is for the kids to get to burn david all the time always so he is frank and i'm not sorry #rachel and marco are the SOURCE of a lot of the shenanigans but the others cannot be trusted not to enable #elfangor is slightly more onboard with stuff than henry but also he gives biweekly lectures on how they need to not get court martialed #i have my reasons for these assignments!!!! i am particularly pleased with tobias as a jack of all trades but mostly a triage commander #(get it: he's the one with the wider view of the situation)#marco (idly): do you think i can make this still more efficient?#ax (chipper): i could double your output no problem #marco: .......marry me immediately #probably erek is the priest having a perpetual crisis about violence but much more slappable than father mulcahey #after jake beats the bejeezus out of that one dude erek gives him a lecture on turning the other cheek #and when he nods stiffly and marches out of erek's tent he gets a rousing ovation from the unit at large #also OBVIOUSLY rachel and tobias start doing the kissing thing eventually #it just takes longer because they are not as emotionally articulate as jake and cassie #which is not to say that jake and cassie were quick about it--everyone got to stifle in the pining for A Minute before they got together #marco feels like he Deserves his still at this point #ax had actually never been drunk before marco got him plastered and marco is THRILLED with drunk!ax as a phenomenon #idk i've got a remarkable amount of this sorted out given that i thought of it maybe three hours ago #idiot teenagers with a queue #m to the 6th power #asked and answered

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eatplantswanderoften · 5 years

Text

Then BAM, it hit me

Well, this week has been a god damn whirlwind.

Since I have been back from Mexico, I’ve have been having pretty severe, intermittent chest pain. Basically, it would feel like I had a knife into my spine between my shoulder blades, then every time I would try to take a breath (which could only be shallow AF) the pain would radiate to the front and into my shoulder blades.IF i wasn’t sitting completely upright, it was agony. After a week, I went to a walk in clinic, and the doctor just laughed me away, saying it wasn’t something he’d seen before but it “probably wouldn’t kill me”. Talk about amazing health care.

After a few weeks the pain subsided a bit, coming and going through the weeks, until last Thursday. The pain was so bad I could barely breathe and just wanted to cry. But, me being the stubborn shit I am, popped some pain meds, threw on the heating pad and suffered through.

Then there was Monday. I got up, went to the gym, had a great morning with a friend. All seemed normal. Then, while relaxing in bed with Netflix and a hot cocoa, the pain started. Dull at first, then worse and worse. Lying down made the pain worse, advil wasn’t helping, and I wasn’t able to take more than a sip of breath. Sleep wouldn’t come, relief wouldn’t come, but the cold chills sure as hell would. Pardon the WAY too much information, but the pain was so bad I was actually vomiting. I was texting Colin at the time (who is currently in the frozen hell that is Northern Saskatchewan) who called me immediately. He was trying to convince me to go to the hospital, but I was in NO shape to get myself there. God bless him and his family, he hung up on me and called his mother who immediately came and drive me to the hospital, and waited with me for 4 hours until she had to leave. If you are reading this, words can not describe how grateful I am for that.

After about 8 hours of waiting in the waiting room I was finally seen to, and with another 8 hours, a mirage of (be it very damn handsome) doctors, cardiologists, 16 vials of blood and a series of tests and rooms, I was diagnosed with a pericardial effusion caused by viral pericarditis (assumed viral, cause of the pericarditis still TBD). Basically, pericarditis means I have an inflamed heart. This inflammation has caused a big ol sac of fluid to form around my heart. I am very lucky in that it is not big enough that they have to stick a giant needle in my heart to drain it. I am on a regiment of anti-inflammatories and PPI’s (to deal with the gut issues caused by the anti-inflams. These take a bit to work, so here’s to hoping, but they SURE as hell make me hella, hella nauseous.

Now, I’m not telling you this to feel sorry for me. In terms of pain, I know SO many people live life on a day to day basis in SO much more pain. Though very serious, pericarditis is treatable, and with some time, and dreaded rest, I will heal up. But, I wanted to share this with you to put an eating disordered mind into some perspective.

I was told that, at least until my next cardiologist appointment in a month, I am not allowed to lift. If I must, I can do light cardio and, thank fucking Jebus, I’m allowed to do yoga (if the nausea goes away long enough to actually get into the hot room). Upon this diagnosis and treatment, my first thought wasn’t “OMG, I am SO lucky this isn’t worse” or “holy hell, I’m a 27 year old with a heart condition”, it was “fuck, I am going to have to lower my calories or I am going to get SO fat”. Talk about fucked up priorities. Here I am, in a hospital bed, in immense pain, with a giant sac of fluid around my heart....and I’m worried about my weight.

The worst part is,it’s still my worry. Frankly, I’m terrified I have this heart problem, and I know that if I don’t rest, it could get worse. But yet, here I am, forcing myself to get up every morning and at least walk on the treadmill, despite nausea, fatigue and pain, because god forbid I ingest more calories than I burn. I’ve already caught myself restricting, or feeling insanely guilty for eating even a very low calorie meal. Even now, I’m skipping a meal.

You know, sometimes I’m not sure what’s worse..restricting my calories, or being so self aware that I know exactly what I’m doing, and still letting it happen. I know my body needs the nutrients to heal, but I cant get my mind around letting it.

So here I am, your herbivorous hamster with a heart problem, putting my fucked up feeling out to the masses. Most posts, I try to say something uplifting, something to help me work on my recovery. But today, I just need to bare the truth. Eating disorders not only effect your body, but they distort your sense of priorities and reality. It’s not easy, but all I can do is take it day by day. Remind myself that I come first. Remind myself of all the the people crazy enough to love me, who worry about me constantly. If I don’t care about myself enough to rest and recover for me, I definitely care enough to do it for them.

I guess that’s all for now folks.

Thanks again for listening to the neurotic ramblings of this herbivorous hamster.

Nat

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