#this is in the queue in december I'm probably going to forget about this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ssolessurvivor · 5 days

Text

OOC - for your awareness <3

just a little thing for everyone to know...

I have really been thinking back on how my energy has changed from December of last year to January and onwards for this year. If it turns out to be hypothyroidism, which i go in for another blood draw this coming weekend to confirm, I guess I'm kinda sad about the lack of writing enthusiasm I had from last year to this year.

I'm so fucking exhausted nowadays even on medication that, granted, I probably will have to tweak here or there till we find the right dose. It just gets me sad that I used to be able to plow through ten drafts in a day and throw them in the queue and today...I barely got six drafts in the queue, I only filled it half a week when i would ideally like to have an extra week buffer between weekends. The difference a few months makes, and we don't know why my body has decided to kill my thyroid anyways, it's just...it gets me down and I feel like crying about it even now (which mood swings is also a fucking thing thyroid does).

anyways, I just want you guys to know that I am trying my hardest right now. I'm trying so hard to write, and while I don't want to force it, I will still try. While I can only seemingly plot with one person at a time given memory issues which is a huge thing I struggle with, I'm working my hardest to not completely forget you if we've plotted something halfway and I vanish, please feel free to poke me about it.

It's ok to do that right now, I think I'll need it more than anything. It's ok to do that for a thread if you're curious, it's ok to do that with a message I missed on discord, it's ok to poke me a little extra right now.

I'm not deleting or anything, but I think I may try to be a little more graceful with myself but either way, I am working very hard to be as present as I can without pushing myself too hard.

#ooc #tbd #psa #big psa I guess

5 notes · View notes

itsnebulous · 5 years

Text

BOND THROUGH BANDS

Well I know when you're around ‘cause I know the sound I know the sound, of your heart... bzzz bzz bzz

I woke up by the annoying vibration of my alarm, I checked the time and good lord my alarm has been buzzing for about half an hour now! I don't remember snoozing it off but damn my train for London leaves in 20 minutes. My earphones are tangled all over my neck. I could literally hear my mum inside my head saying “You should not sleep with your earphones on Bailee!” I'm sorry mum but your loving daughter just did. I must have fallen asleep again while on my phone last night. It has become my habit now to pass out while scrolling through my socials, I mean that's just pure talent. Music is my thing but not in the way that I'm great at instruments. It's just that I love listening to bands.

As I hurry to the bathroom to take a shower, I tripped over my sketchbooks. I don't remember my flat being this messy. Dirty clothes are piling on the chair beside my disastrous closet, books are everywhere on the dusty carpet. The only thing in order are my shelves of books and music albums which is also now getting dusty. Surprisingly the kitchen area is clean, maybe because I am always out at the city to eat out with my classmates after school. I got out of the shower with ten minutes to spare. I have no time for my indecisiveness on what clothes to wear so I pulled off my go-to outfit. I tucked my favourite yellow sweater on my jeans and put on my worn out Converse then grabbed my coat that is hung on the back of my door before sprinting to the elevator.

As I got out on the streets, tourists are everywhere, typical for Brighton though even if it's freezing cold. But today is warmer, the sun is actually out which is very unusual for December. I'm almost near at the station when Lily texted me:

“BAILEE WHERE ARE U?!”

But before I can even type my answer, she called

“Sis the train is about to leave in two minutes” I can imagine with her tone how pissed she is at me.

“I’m almost there. I’m like twenty steps away”

“That better be not a lie”

“I swear it's not- and oh she already hang up”.

We made it to London without having a fight. She is already used to my shenanigans on my morning routines which always make me late. Lily is just pressed that I missed breakfast with her at the cafe.

“Why on Earth are you late this time my beloved friend? Bet you had your concert again while in the shower”, she said sarcastically.

“Oh stop it, you know I can't miss my singing ritual whilst in the shower”, I teased her.

“Also, I'm not late duh I made it exactly at 8 am”. Lily has always been the early bird kind of friend during meet ups and I am most certainly the buzzer beater type.

Roaming around the city of London is always my favourite. I have lived here three years ago when I first came to England yet every time I walk along its streets and pass by its shops, I keep falling in love like it's the first time. The telephone booths are still class even though no one uses it. Everything about this city is so aesthetic. Lily and I spent half of the day going through some of the places London is known for as if we are tourists.

“It's ridiculous that I've lived in London most of my life but still haven't ridden this until now". We are now inside a carriage on top of the London eye.

“ I can't say the same. I mean I lived here only a few years back and I even barely go out then but it's never too late to be a tourist you know”.

The view on top is amazing, cityscape and sunset is picture perfect. I just wish that I am seeing this with Matty right now if he hadn't left me. I guess this is it again, I have fallen on my whirlpool of grief that keeps dragging me down. It's been years but why didn't I learn to handle the pain.

2 years ago...

London street is busy as ever yet the holiday spirit is very alive. Every one on the city is on their layered coats as it is freezing cold. It's two more weeks until Christmas and the shops are all packed with those who are gift shopping. I am probably the most loneliest person in London because I actually have no one to celebrate Christmas with as I just moved. I have Lily and our friends but they’re all going home for the holidays.

Today is the last day of school before our Christmas break so we planned a night out at Winter Wonderland.

“Here's the thing Bailee, a Christmas holiday of a typical London resident wouldn't be complete without a night here", Millie said as we walk toward the entrance of the giant Christmas carnival. Millie is my street smart friend who always got my back the first time I got in London.

“Really?”, and as I ask this I confirmed what Millie just said, the place is crowded and sparkly with its lights. The people are in their high spirits as they are in queue for the rides. I could never be that person who is excited for the rides. Before I even know it, my friends are already in line calling me to join them.

“BAILEE AREN'T YOU GOING TO JOIN US?”, Josh screamed.

“ I'D RATHER WATCH YOU FROM HERE. I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS.”, I answered. The music is getting loud now from what I hear from the people passing by is from the beer tent.

“ARE YOU SURE???” asked Lily looking concerned.

“YEAHHHH, MEET YOU AT THE BEER TENT MAYBE?”

I barely heard their answer but I'm sure I heard Millie say “oh she'll do just fine, she can manage now". Thanks Millie for your confidence but I am actually anxious going alone inside the beer tent. But I am eager to see what's going on in there because I can hear a band playing.

There's a reason why I never returned your calls I wish I could forget it all But I never returned your calls ‘Cause I'd fall again.

“Holy cow they are singing a Blossoms' song" , I whispered to myself out of excitement.

I made my way in front of the crowd. The people inside the tent are all chattery and loud but I could only hear the song playing, my favourite song. I caught the vocalist' attention maybe because of my aggressiveness to get in front. I got lost on his gaze, his deep blue eyes melted me, the curls of his hair is so soft. It is their last song to play. After they played, he went to sit beside me which is weird because we don't even know each other.

“Hi” he said shyly.

A cute band vocalist who is a stranger just talked to me, how am I supposed to reply. “Hello?”

“You sound so confused" he said giggling.

“Uhmmm yes? I am confused because a stranger who just sung my favourite song is talking to me out of context”, I blurted out.

“Oh I actually approached you because of your reaction while we were playing ‘your favourite song’ "

“Why so?”

“Because it's so obvious that you really like the song and you were the only one here who seems to appreciate it. Does it remind you of someone?”

“Honestly no, I just really love it. The tune, its lyrics is just perfect for me.”

“Guess we are the same then".

After my weird moment with that guy, my friends finally came to have a beer. Mr. Stranger was about to leave when I asked his name.

“It's Matty”

That's how Matty and I started. After that night, he invited me to watch shows and gigs. The drive back home is always my favourite. We take detours just to spend more time talking about each other with good music on the background.

“Cityscapes are just beautiful, aren't they?” I said while looking out the window.

“Not as beautiful and bright as you”

“Stop being so cute please”, that's the only reaction I could do with his smooth cheesy lines.

As months of hanging out together goes by, we fall deeper and deeper with each other. Matty gave my room a make over. Ever since I moved in London my flat doesn't look like home so he gave it an artistic touch. He painted the walls, built me a desk and shelves. We also hung posters of our favourite bands. After redecorating my room, it now feels home and cosy. He stayed until midnight so that we could listen to the new album of the 1975 together.

“I guess this could be our new jam then" he said with enthusiasm in his eyes.

“I love the idea", I answered.

I knew he was already sleepy when he said goodnight before driving back home. I didn't want him to drive anymore because it's already late but he insisted because he's worried about his sister so I let him.

“Call me when you get home ok? Drive safely”

“Ok I love you” he said.

I don't recall the next months after. It is as blurry as when my tears won't stop falling for him. Matty have left me. Matty never returned my calls not because he's scared of falling again for me. He never returned my calls because he's gone. How I wish we could've said our goodbyes. I should've said I love you too while I still can. But it is all too late now.

Matty is the reason why I moved to Brighton. Everything about London reminds me of him especially at this time. He once asked me to ride the London eye with him but I refused because I was scared and anxious.. What I did not know is could never see this view with him anymore. I should have said yes back then but my anxiety ate me. Up until now his memory still haunts me even in Brighton. I never had the courage to clean up my room because I keep remembering when he decorated my room. Now I can finally say that ‘There's a Reason Why (I Never Returned Your Calls) by Blossoms reminds me of someone.

Before I even get drowned by my whirlpool of grief, Lily brought me back to reality.

“Bailee are you alright?”

“Yeah I think I am"

I still find parts of you. In the corners of my bedroom. Someday comes too soon. The radio plays our favourite tune again.

#creativewriting

0 notes