#this is just me venting out my constant monologue of how much i love him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gb-fics · 4 years

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Yutaka ... Give Me Your Bicycle

Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Note: So, I already did a fic for “ Tatsuo⋯yome wo ore ni kure” as you may recall, but since the new album also contains a version with Kirisho on vocals, I thought I’d do one for him as well. The joke is that at the end of the song, Kenji says “Aishiteru” (”I love you”), whereas Kirisho says “Bicycle”. In Japanese the pronouncation would sound more similar, so please keep that in mind while reading (^-^)

Kiryuuin Shou had led the past 35 years of his life convinced that he did not deserve happiness. That did not mean he had lived in self-hate and utter torture so far. He hadn’t been unhappy, at least not lately since the band had really worked out for all of them. But deep down, he had believed he would never experience what it meant to wake up next to the man he loved, to fight with him over whose turn it was to clean the dishes or to snuggle up to him after an exhausting day. The problem wasn’t that Shou felt ugly and unlovable, though sometimes he did, on the bad days, but rather, that he had fallen in love with the wrong man. He had thought that there was no point in confessing, because he didn’t stand a chance anyway.

Things had changed, though, two days ago – when Kyan Yutaka had kissed him.

It had been a kiss on the cheek, Shou had to admit that, and it hadn’t lasted especially long. But there had been no one else around as Yutaka wished him a good night after rehearsal, so it hadn’t been staged. The kiss had come out of nowhere and it had seemed affectionate and tender in a way that had made Shou wonder, if maybe, just maybe, he did deserve happiness after all.

Unfortunately, there was only one way to find out.

He had thought about the words for years already. He had developed speeches of love and longing and despair and then slashed them, until only the bare minimum remained. “Kyan Yutaka, I love you, please don’t hate me”, was pretty much all that was left of his fear and frustration and hope. It was a pretty accurate summary of everything Shou had felt in the last 15 years.

He took in a deep breath, as everyone got ready to leave for the car outside.

Shou had thought about the words again today. He knew that he had to get them out, even if it meant risking their friendship and maybe even their band activities. Neither of them had mentioned the kiss. Of course, it had only been a kiss on the cheek. Maybe it had been nothing but casual to Yutaka. Or maybe it hadn’t.

“Yutaka, can I talk to you for a moment, before you go?”, Shou called out.

He remembered how bad the stage fright had been in the early years. This felt worse. His throat was tight, his face hot. But he would have to get over with it, once and for all. Just to know if happiness was in reach, or if he had to settle for less. Either way, he finally had to know for sure. It was hope that killed him slowly.

“Yeah, sure”, Yutaka said and shrugged.

None of them was wearing makeup today. Yutaka’s eyes looked large anyway. Shou wondered if maybe he should have picked another day to confess. A day, on which he wore makeup himself. A day, on which he felt less ugly and more lovable.

Yutaka stood in the middle of the room, waiting for everyone else to leave. Shou wondered how he managed to look so relaxed, just standing there. Yutaka’s arms never seemed to get in the way, his posture never looked as if his brain didn’t quite know how to arrange his limbs to make them appear natural. Yutaka stood like his body was actually a part of himself. Shou had always envied him for that.

“So …”, he said and cleared his throat.

It made him anxious that Yutaka looked so relaxed.

Yutaka was anxious, but he tried to look relaxed.

Shou was clearly nervous about whatever he wanted to address.

Yutaka really hoped it wouldn’t be the kiss.

He didn’t know what had gotten into him that day. He only knew that Shou had looked gorgeous and that no one else had been around and that Yutaka had wanted to kiss him for a long time already. He was just glad he had ended up kissing him on the cheek. A kiss on the cheek could still be ignored and never mentioned again, whereas a kiss on the lips would possibly have led to them no longer talking to each other at all. The way it was now, it didn’t have to turn awkward. At least for as long as Shou didn’t decide to talk about it.

“There is something I wanted to ask you. Or tell you. Not ask, though a reaction would be nice. I mean, it’s more of a tell thing, but a question is implied. I’m pretty sure you will figure the question, or I will figure the answer by your reaction, or I can just add the question in the end, if you are confused or, you know, you just tell me how you feel about it once I’m done, so I guess the question would be how do you feel about it? Now you know the question but not what I want to tell you and …”

“Ssshh”, Yutaka said and held up his hand to stop Shou’s babbling.

The words were coming too fast and Yutaka had troubles catching them. He figured that Shou wanted to tell him something. That hopefully meant it wasn’t about the kiss. Unless Shou wanted to tell him that he had felt uncomfortable about it. But why would he ask Yutaka how he felt about Shou feeling uncomfortable? It did not really make sense and Shou’s fast, anxious way of speaking made Yutaka anxious, too.

“Just tell me”, Yutaka inquired. He spoke too harshly, as always when he got nervous. In Shou’s presence, he got nervous a lot.

Shou avoided Yutaka’s gaze. His eyes looked small without makeup and somehow lost in his large face. He looked frightened, but then Shou often looked like that and it did not have to correspond with what he wanted to say necessarily. He kept moving his arms around as if he wasn’t quite sure what to do with them. Yutaka always had the feeling that Shou wore his body like an ill-fitting piece of clothing. Sometimes, he wished to just wrap his arms around Shou and hold him until he felt at ease.

“I had those … feelings for a while already”, Shou said. He was still talking fast and moreover mumbling now. His voice started to slur sometimes when he hurried to get out the words. Yutaka wasn’t sure if he really had said “feelings”. He might have said “problems” as well, or “pebbles”.

Yutaka’s mind drifted off, wondering what kind of issue Shou could possibly have with pebbles.

“Therefore, I understand if it’s a bother to you”, Shou said, a little more clearly. Yutaka realized that he had missed some of Shou’s incomprehensible muttering in between by thinking about pebbles too hard.

“And it’s alright if you don’t … “ Here the muttering started again and Yutaka assumed that Shou was either considering to buy a boat, adopt a dog or asked Yutaka to please not break up the band if he was taken aback. Since Yutaka did not know what he should be taken aback about (had it something to do with pebbles?), he guessed it had to be one of the first two options.

He smiled and nodded, not sure what Shou wanted from him. He was just glad he wasn’t trying to address the kiss. That would have been awkward. If Shou had for example asked him, why Yutaka had kissed him on the cheek, he wouldn’t have been able to come up with a proper explanation. He could hardly tell Shou that he had somehow, well, been in love with him those past years, could he?

Shou vented on in what seemed to be self-accusation, but since Yutaka wasn’t sure what he was accusing himself of, he had no idea how to sooth him. Slowly, he was starting to dread the moment, Shou would close his rant and expect a reaction from him. Yutaka had figured that “yes, you should definitely do that” would be the best option, but by now he wasn’t so sure anymore. Shou really seemed excited. Whatever he was talking about, he surely was emotionally invested.

Yutaka furrowed his brow and tried to concentrate harder. He really needed to listen to Shou more closely to understand his muttering monologue, instead of just staring at his lips, that looked so full and kissable and if Yutaka leaned in a little, he might very well kiss Shou – for real this time – and he would shut up and maybe Yutaka’s answer wouldn’t be so important anymore.

“So, what I really wanted to tell you with all this, I guess …”, Shou closed and inhaled deeply. Then he said very hurriedly: “I … you, I mean … Bicycle.”

Yutaka beamed at him with relief.

At least he had been able to make out one word clearly. Now it all made sense. Shou was ridiculously bad at asking other people for favours, that was probably why he had been so nervous and scared to bother Yutaka. The best thing about finally understanding what he wanted, was that Shou had definitely not talked about the kiss, which meant he wasn’t angry at Yutaka, which meant Yutaka had not ruined their friendship forever.

Luckily, all that Shou wanted to do, was to borrow Yutaka’s bicycle.

“Sure!”, Yutaka said, beaming at him.

Shou assumed the beaming was a good sign. It had been difficult to get out the words and he had gotten muddled in his own speech several times, putting in more apologies than was necessary. But it was out. I love you. It was finally out. And Yutaka didn’t seem angry, he didn’t seem grossed out. He seemed happy, though it was not the kind of happy you’d expect of someone who had gotten a confession by their crush. Yutaka looked happy in a way you’d look happy when they played a song you liked – not your favourite song, mind you – on the radio.

Shou wasn’t quite sure what to do with that reaction.

At first, he had felt relieved. Relieved, that he would no longer have to keep it a secret, relieved that the constant fear of slipping up was lifted off his shoulders now.

But as Yutaka kept quiet, just grinning at him, Shou started to feel tense again.

What the fuck did that mean?

“So …?”, he started carefully.

“You want to come back to my place and get it immediately?”, Yutaka asked.

Shou blinked.

Yutaka wanted him to come back to his place and … get it? Now, that was a way to put it.

His body posture was still relaxed. He was smiling and looking right at Shou.

Shou cast down his eyes. He wished the ground would swallow him whole, so he didn’t have to meet Yutaka’s eyes.

Of course, he wanted to go back to Yutaka’s place, of course he wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to let Yutaka do absolutely anything he wanted to do with his body, but admitting it didn’t come to him as easily as it came to Yutaka.

Shou wasn’t shy. At least, when it came to talking sexual matters. But the fact that Yutaka seemed almost indifferent to it, made him feel embarrassed nonetheless. Yutaka had invited him over like he was offering him a coffee. That probably meant he would be casual about the sex, too. Shou had been so busy worrying about Yutaka’s possible reaction to his confession, that he hadn’t really gotten any further with worrying yet. Sure, he wanted sex with Yutaka, but Yutaka’s nonchalance made him wonder if he was ready for it yet. Even if it sounded corny, he didn’t want to fuck Yutaka. He wanted to make love to him. Which didn’t mean it had to be tender and romantic. He just wanted to do it, knowing that Yutaka returned his feelings. Even if Yutaka didn’t return his feelings, he still kind of wanted to do it, though. He’d just prefer it otherwise.

Shou swallowed hard.

“Right now?”, he assured.

He hoped that Yutaka would add something like “I love you, too” maybe, or rather, pretty much exactly that. But anything that sounded affectionate would have done, really.

If Yutaka invited him over for sex, that probably meant he liked Shou. At least, he found him physical attractive. And since they were friends, Yutaka would surely not just use him for sex after a confession. He wouldn’t toy with Shou’s feelings like that and risk him getting hurt. So, his invitation had to mean he liked Shou back. Shou wished he’d say it, though, just to make sure.

“Yeah, why not?”, Yutaka said and shrugged. “I mean, I don’t know how urgently you need it.”

Shou felt his cheeks heating up once again. He thought of how urgently he wanted to get laid with Yutaka. The answer was almost frightening and he really hoped Yutaka wasn’t seriously expecting him to answer. He’d be shocked at the sheer level of urgency.

“Alright, let’s go”, Shou confirmed, trying to imitate Yutaka’s nonchalant tone of voice. He didn’t manage quite so well.

The moment he decided to have sex with Yutaka, he started stressing, too. Would it be what he imagined it to be? Would Yutaka be disappointed in him, once they did it? Would Shou be disappointed, because he expected too much? Would he be able to relax, until Yutaka finally said it back? Or would he keep worrying how Yutaka actually felt about him, so much that he would be unable to focus on anything else and he’d blow his only chance to ever get physical with Yutaka?

He thought of inquiring a definite statement from Yutaka as they walked over to the car park, where the white van was waiting for them.

But if Yutaka hadn’t said it until now, he probably didn’t want to say it. Maybe he would feel pressured, if Shou demanded a confession from him. Maybe he’d pull back his offer for sex. Maybe he’d get angry at Shou. Maybe, he’d start hating him.

Shou decided it was best to settle for what he got. Yutaka had asked him over to his place. He could have been a bit more sensitive about it, that was for sure, but if it meant he liked Shou just a little, that would surely be enough. It had to be enough.

Jun and Kenji were sitting at the back of the van, leaving the seats right behind the driver to Shou and Yutaka. Yutaka got in first, sitting down by the window.

“You can drop me off at Yutaka’s place as well”, Shou told the driver from their staff. “I’ll get home from there myself.”

The car started. Everyone kept quiet.

Shou shuffled on his seat uncomfortable.

It was normal for them to not chat on their way back home after work. They were all tired and had spent the day together already. There was nothing left to say and no energy left to say it either. But today, the silence seemed heavier, more daunting. It left a lot of space for thoughts.

Shou looked over to Yutaka. Yutaka was looking out the window.

Shou wasn’t sure what he had expected, but Yutaka was not paying attention to him at all.

Maybe, Shou told himself, he just didn’t want to display their new relationship in front of the others already. But then he didn’t seem cold. He rather seemed disinterested. While Shou felt nervous, Yutaka seemed completely calm and almost bored, watching their surroundings outside pass by. He did not seem very excited about the thought of having sex with Shou shortly. Shou couldn’t help to feel offended by it.

He kept thinking of Yutaka’s body and what it would be like to touch him. He himself felt pretty excited about it.

The car pulled to a halt, letting out Jun first.

Everyone muttered their tired goodbyes. Yutaka did not even turn his head. He kept looking out the window.

If he really liked Shou, he’d be excited by now, wouldn’t he? Yutaka’s attitude seemed to imply that the whole thing didn’t mean much to him. Maybe he just viewed it as a convenient chance for sex indeed? It was possible he thought Shou was so desperate for him – that he “needed it so urgently” – that he would be alright with it, even if Yutaka didn’t return his feelings otherwise. But if that was the case, why hadn’t he said so explicitly? Had he assumed it was so obvious, that Shou would understand him immediately? Had Yutaka assumed it was so obvious that Shou was impossible to love, that he hadn’t even bothered to clarify it was just about sex?

The car stopped short again, this time to drop off Kenji. Still, Yutaka did not turn his head.

They were alone now. Sure, there was their driver, but he sat in front of them, not able to watch them. If Yutaka chose to display a little affection now, no one would notice.

But Yutaka kept looking out the window.

Well, Shou figured that asking him over for sex, did mean that they had some kind of relationship now. Therefore, it should be alright to display some affection. Maybe Yutaka hadn’t quite realized that was what Shou wanted yet (though the statement “I love you” did not really leave room for misinterpretation in Shou’s opinion). If Shou wanted that kind of affection, he probably needed to show it to Yutaka. And since he hadn’t declined his confession, he shouldn’t get angry about it, either.

Hesitantly Shou reached out, taking hold of Yutaka’s hand that rested on his lap. He stared at their driver’s back of the head, as he entwined his fingers with Yutaka’s. His heart was beating fast. He really hoped that Yutaka would not pull back.

Very slightly, he felt Yutaka flinch, but he did not pull back. He even ran his thumb across the back of Shou’s hand gently. Shou did not dare to turn his head and check on his face, though.

He assumed that being allowed to hold Yutaka’s hand like this, was about as much of a confession as he would get in return.

Yutaka flinched when Shou’s hand touched his.

He had looked out the window, wondering what Shou had done to his own bicycle. He usually used it a lot. Maybe it had broken down and now he needed another one to be flexible. Shou had probably told him what had happened, but Yutaka hadn’t understood him. Now, it would be too late to ask again. Well, it didn’t matter.

The main reason Yutaka had thought about the bicycle so hard, was that it kept him from thinking about Shou coming back to his place. Although they saw each other so much at work, they rarely met in the privacy of their own apartments. Would it be alright to ask Shou to come in? It would be better not to ask that. If they were alone together at his place, Yutaka couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t do something stupid again. Like, kiss Shou on the cheek. Or the lips this time. Or rip off his clothes.

Those thoughts had been bothering to begin with, but they got worse, when Shou took hold of his hand.

Although Yutaka knew him for more than half of his life already, Shou had never held his hand before. It did not feel casual. Of course, holding hands was romantic, not casual. But why, for fuck’s sake, would Shou do that?

Yutaka reached the conclusion it had something to do with the fact that he had kissed Shou.

Maybe he hadn’t disliked it after all? Maybe holding his hand now was Shou’s way of encouraging him. Maybe he had asked to borrow his bicycle just to have an excuse to come back to his place. Maybe that meant that Shou wanted Yutaka to kiss him again, once they were alone. Maybe the bicycle had been some code. Was there a gay code involving bicycles that Yutaka did not know about?

He just knew one thing for sure – if he didn’t want to turn down Shou, he wasn’t allowed to let go of his hand.

Carefully, he moved his thumb, caressing the back of Shou’s hand gently. If he didn’t pull back, it probably meant he didn’t mind Yutaka being a little affectionate with him.

Shou kept holding on to his hand.

Yutaka did not dare to turn his head to check for Shou’s reaction. He kept staring out of the window.

His heart was beating violently with hope.

Was it possible he actually had a chance with Shou? That all those years of longing and keeping himself in check had been completely wasted? But if that was the case, why hadn’t Shou just told him?

Yutaka figured that the kiss had been enough of an indication to encourage Shou to make a move, if he really did like Yutaka. So, why would he make up an excuse for visiting him, when he could just have confessed instead?

It all didn’t make sense. Was it possible that Shou was toying with him? That once he had seen Yutaka’s feelings through, he was testing how far he could take it? Maybe he had invited himself over to use Yutaka for sex (as Shou was horny, he’d probably take his chance, even if he didn’t return Yutaka’s feelings). The thought was upsetting, but also quite exciting. Sure, what Yutaka really wanted was to finally hear the words “I love you” from Shou’s lips and then wrap his arms around him and caress his body from head to toe. But after years of silent longing, Yutaka was ready to settle for less. If Shou just wanted to fuck him, well, it wouldn’t be ideal, but it would still be an enormous improvement.

The car stopped.

“You’re both getting off here?”, their driver assured.

“Yes”, Shou confirmed and pulled back his hand a little too hastily, as if he was worried their staff member would notice.

Sitting closer to the door, he got out first.

Yutaka followed him.

Suddenly, he felt very stupid. Alright, so it was a little weird that Shou had held his hand, admittedly. But it was Shou and you never really knew what was going on in his head, since he wasn’t exactly allowing people close. If Yutaka had thought about having sex with him just now, it was only his own hope (the hope of his penis, to be precise) that tricked him into thinking that.

You could say a lot about Kiryuuin Shou. He was a complicated person. But he usually was straight-forward and if he wanted to have sex with Yutaka, he would probably have suggested it just like that. If he loved Yutaka, he would probably have mentioned it sometime after the kiss, too.

“So”, Yutaka started hesitantly as the van drove off. If he really wanted to make sure, he just had to ask. “Are you going to ride it home now?”

Shou finally turned to look at him. He hadn’t done so all day. He small eyes did manage to widen. He looked at Yutaka as if he had just said something very, very weird.

For a moment he didn’t reply at all.

“I could …” Shou broke off. “I mean, I will try my best, if you … if you …”

Somehow, his stuttering made Yutaka angry. He did not understand what was wrong with Shou today. All he wanted was a simple answer to a simple question.

“What do you mean, you will try?”, he huffed out. “You know how to ride, don’t you?”

“Uhm, yes, sure, yes”, Shou stuttered. “Of course.”

Shou felt slightly humiliated, but he tried to cover it up. It should be obvious to Yutaka, that Shou wasn’t the most experienced when it came to other men. He had, well, yes, he had ridden dick before, but like everything that required motor skills and stamina, Shou had not exactly outdone himself at it.

Moreover, it made him uncomfortable, that Yutaka had such precise demands. Shou had hoped things would develop a little more naturally. He had hoped they would kiss and explore each other’s bodies slowly and that Yutaka would finally tell him nice things. Shou didn’t like taking orders from Yutaka as if he owned him. It made him feel like Yutaka was just taking advantage of him for his own pleasure indeed.

But then he thought of Yutaka inside of him, of his face when Shou made him moan, of finally, finally getting this close to him and having sex after a period of … not having sex for far too long. And Shou decided, that it would probably be worth it. His preferences were pretty vague, so if Yutaka liked it a certain way, Shou would do his best to please him. If he wanted Shou to ride him, Yutaka better prepared for the ride of his life.

“Alright”, Yutaka said and led the way past his apartment building.

Shou looked at the entrance as they walked past.

“Uhm”, he said. “We’re not going up?”

Did Yutaka want to take him to a hotel nearby? Did he want to keep it so unpersonal, that he didn’t even want to have sex with Shou in his own apartment? The thought hurt, but Shou tried to ignore the pain in his chest. He had been hurting for so long, he’d take what he could get now. Anything that wasn’t total rejection was something at least.

“Nah, we’re going straight to the basement”, Yutaka said.

Shou stopped short.

Indeed, Yutaka was walking towards a fly of stairs that ran down the side of the apartment building and led to another door that obviously marked the entrance to the basement.

“We are what?”, Shou assured.

He had a lot of spontaneous thoughts what Yutaka’s basement might look like, if he wanted to have sex down there. None of these thoughts seemed very comforting.

“The basement”, Yutaka repeated slowly. “Each resident has their own section down there to store stuff.”

“And you have what? A sex dungeon down there?”, Shou asked, trying to make it sound like a joke. Truthfully, he was kind of worried.

Surely, Yutaka did not store a regular bed down there. What was he expecting of Shou? Would he ask him to chain Yutaka to some kinky board and then ride him? That wasn’t really Shou’s idea of fun, if he was being honest.

And why the hell was Yutaka acting like it was completely normal? Had Shou missed some basic information? Had Yutaka told them about his weird kinks before and now assumed that Shou knew what was coming for him?

“What the fuck are you talking about?”, Yutaka asked, furrowing his brow and staring at Shou angrily.

“Can’t we go upstairs instead?”, Shou asked meekly.

For a moment, Yutaka seemed irritated, but then his face turned even more grim as if Shou had done something wrong. Shou figured it meant he wanted to play the game by his own rules.

“I didn’t clean up. The apartment is a mess. It’s better we don’t go there at all.”

Shou shrugged.

“I just thought …”, he started.

“I don’t want you to waste my entire evening”, Yutaka cut him short. “Let’s get it over with already. You are the one who asked. If you changed your mind, you might just as well leave.”

Shou fought the burning feeling behind his eyelids. Yutaka was so different from the guy he had fallen in love with all of a sudden. He hadn’t thought Yutaka would be able to be so cruel.

So, it was just about the sex for him, he had made that pretty clear just now. If Shou didn’t do exactly what he asked of him, Yutaka had no interest in him.

The realization hurt more than Shou had expected. From the beginning, he hadn’t been sure Yutaka liked him back. He hadn’t returned his confession. But he had invited him over and, in the car, he hadn’t pulled back his hand. Shou had gotten his hopes up. Although years and years had taught him not to. It was his own fault for being so stupid. He should have learned by now, that a kiss on the cheek meant nothing. In the end, he did not deserve happiness after all.

He wondered if it was worth it. If maybe, he should just turn around and walk off. But then he looked at Yutaka and although he looked angry now, he was still beautiful, and although he was cruel now, Shou also knew a version of him that was funny and kind. He couldn’t bring himself to walk away. After all this time, Kiryuuin Shou was still hoping.

“I’m sorry”, he mumbled sheepishly.

Yutaka turned around and led the way towards the door of the basement.

He felt angry at Shou, who seemed to change his mind constantly today. No, we’re not going to talk about the kiss, but let me hold your hand. I know I held your hand just now, but I’d rather just take the bicycle and leave already. You know what, I said I was just here for the bicycle, but I changed my mind, let’s go upstairs to possibly make out, so I can change my mind again there and hurt your feelings even more. Yutaka was not up for those kinds of games.

He unlocked the door to the basement and walked inside without switching on the lights. He just did that to annoy Shou. He himself found his way around here in the dim light, but behind himself, he heard Shou stagger around.

“This way”, Yutaka called out.

“I can’t see a thing”, Shou whined and then put his hand onto Yutaka’s shoulder.

Yutaka regretted not switching on the light. Shou’s hand rested on his shoulder heavily and immediately, Yutaka thought of how else Shou might touch him. Getting close to him was the absolute worst.

He walked ahead, Shou’s fingers digging into his shoulder to not get lost. He was holding on a little too tightly.

“Is there even enough space down here for your … sex dungeon thingy, or whatever you have down here?”

Yutaka flicked his tongue.

He didn’t understand why Shou was pulling that joke twice. It hadn’t been funny the first time around.

Yutaka had already pointed it out. He was doing Shou a favour. Shou was the one who had asked to lend the bicycle. For all that Yutaka cared, he could walk back home.

He rounded a corner and then stopped when he reached his own section. It was set right at the doorway leading towards another room. Yutaka felt for the switch, that would turn on the light in this area of the basement.

It flicked into life so suddenly, it was blinding.

Shou let go of Yutaka’s shoulder almost immediately.

“Tada!”, Yutaka exclaimed and pointed to the object of desire right in front of them.

Shou remained silent for so long, that Yutaka finally turned to look at him.

Shou was staring straight ahead.

“Yutaka”, he finally said. “That is a bicycle.”

Shou kept staring at the bicycle and it started to dawn on him, that something had gone terribly, terribly wrong with their communication.

“I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding”, he added slowly.

Unless Yutaka wanted to watch him ride a bicycle - and that would be kind of a weird kink, even for someone like him.

“What? You said you wanted to borrow my bicycle! What else were you planning to ride?!”, Yutaka exclaimed loudly.

Now, Shou did turn his head to look at him. Yutaka wore a look of utter confusion on his face.

Shou concluded that he either really believed he had wanted to lend his bicycle, or his acting skills had levelled up immensely and he was playing a joke on Shou right now.

Shou smacked his lips, trying to figure out with one it was.

“I did not say that”, he said. “Why would I want to borrow your bicycle?”

He hoped that Yutaka would forget about the riding part.

“I don’t know, man!”, Yutaka said and gestured widely. “You talked so fast, that I didn’t understand much of what you said at all. I figured you broke yours or something. I only understood the last word. Bicycle. So, I concluded you wanted to lend my bicycle.”

“You couldn’t just have asked?”, Shou huffed.

He tried to recall the last word he had used. Once he figured, he felt himself blushing. Bicycle. The whole thing was ridiculous.

He turned around on his heels, ready to walk back out of the basement.

“This is stupid”, he muttered. “I’m going home.”

He didn’t feel like he had enough energy left to explain the misunderstanding to Yutaka. He didn’t have the energy to confess to him again. He had been anxious and hopeful today before confessing. He had been hopeful when Yutaka invited him, he had been anxious because he hadn’t returned his confession. He had been hopeful when Yutaka held his hand. He had been devastated, when he thought Yutaka only cared for the sex. He wasn’t ready to go through it all again. He wasn’t ready for any more hoping.

“Wait!”, Yutaka held him back. “Then why the fuck did you come here?”

Shou stood still, his back still towards Yutaka. He didn’t know how to explain it. For a moment, he never wanted to see Yutaka again. He wanted to forget this day had ever taken place.

“I thought …”, he said quietly. “Well, it was about something else.”

“Then what did you say?”

Shou shook his head and started to walk towards the exit. He couldn’t tell him, not again.

He didn’t get far, because Yutaka caught his arm and held him back.

“What did you say, Shou?”, he repeated, his grip on Shou’s wrist was firm. His voice sounded urgent.

“Fuck”, Shou said. He couldn’t come up with any excuse. If it was over now, at least it would be a clean cut. “I said, I love you, you fucking, stupid idiot, too vain to ask and too dumb to piece it together correctly, you stupid, stupid …”

Yutaka wrapped his arms around him from behind.

“I’m sorry”, he said quietly.

Yutaka had hoped. He had hoped the moment Shou turned his back on him and tried to get away. Because there was only one thing in this world that could make Kiryuuin Shou so scared, he would start running.

But Yutaka had feared his hopes were stupid and would not come true, because Shou loving him would be too much happiness, a happiness that someone like him could not deserve by any means.

But he had hoped anyway.

Only when he felt Shou starting to shake in his arms, did he realize how much he must have hurt him. He had confessed to Yutaka. He had put himself out there. And instead of a proper reaction, he must have felt like Yutaka kept him hanging all evening.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered again, until he felt Shou’s breath evening out. He was holding on to him tightly, so he wouldn’t get away. He wasn’t planning to let him get away ever again.

“Say it again, so I can react properly?”, Yutaka suggested quietly.

“No way”, Shou said, huffily. “You had your chance.”

Yutaka chuckled and finally let go of Shou. He took a step backwards and Shou turned around to face Yutaka again. His face without makeup looked weird when he got angry. It showed even more wrinkles than when he was laughing.

“I’m really, really happy”, Yutaka said. “I never thought I could be this happy.”

Shou lowered his gaze. He suddenly seemed embarrassed. Yutaka wondered what had made him come here in the first place. Yutaka had not returned his confession, but asked him to come home with him. He must have thought …

Yutaka’s face lit up.

“Oh, hey!”, he exclaimed cheerfully. “Now I know what you wanted to ride!”

Shou groaned and rolled his eyes. He looked a lot more like himself all of a sudden. Yutaka wasn’t used to see him angry and he wasn’t used to see him embarrassed either. He sure as hell was used to see Shou annoyed with him, though. Suddenly, he was the man again with whom Yutaka had fallen in love.

“Please, don’t say it”, Shou asked dryly.

“You wanted to ride me!”, Yutaka burst out happily.

Shou groaned again and gestured as if he would have preferred to hide his face somewhere. Yutaka thought he had never looked that cute before.

“Speaking of which”, he added. “Why don’t we go upstairs and you know?”

Shou shot him a sneaky glance.

“Didn’t you say your apartment is a mess and that I shouldn’t come up?”

“Bullshit!”, Yutaka said and waved it off. “My apartment is the cleanest you have ever seen. Beautiful, striking. More luxurious than any hotel room you have ever visited. The bed especially, top quality. You should try out this bed.”

Shou snorted, slightly amused, but he still looked uncomfortable.

“I don’t know”, he said quietly.

Yutaka looked at him for a moment and realized that all evening, Shou had waited for Yutaka to say it back. But he still hadn’t done so.

“It will be alright”, Yutaka said soothingly and took a step towards Shou. Gently, he reached out to brush back a strand of Shou’s blonde hair. “Haven’t you figured it out yet? I also …”

He smiled and leaned in, kissing Shou on the cheek gently once again. Truly, he had confessed already when he kissed him the for first time.

“Bicycle.”

#I'm not really pleased with this one #but yeah here you go anyway #Golden Bomber #Kiryuuin Shou #Kyan Yutaka #kirikyan #fanfiction #fanfic

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stuffandsundry · 7 years

Text

Alt. P5 Justice Confidant

okay. okayokayokay IM GOOD, IM READY THIS TIME, I HAVE NOTES, BUCKLE IN OUT ALL AROUND YALL.

so a weekish ago i made this vaguely incoherent post about how Goro Akechi’s confidant could be improved, and I’m back now, armed with coffee and a slightly more coherent statement. Spoilers under the cut.

(I haven’t fact-checked everything here, so if I get something wrong, sorry. I just don’t feel like going through 100+ hours of footage for what’s essentially a vent post, haha. Aight lets get into it)

First things first: I don’t actually hate Goro Akechi-- I kinda neutralish like him, tbh. I am, however, in a constant state of seething rage about how grossly mishandled his whole everything is. Conceptually, I think he’s an interesting character, and a good foil to the Phantom Thieves.... as a whole. And that. That right there? Is one of my problems with Akechi. By setting him up as a foil to the protagonist alone, they weaken his characterization.

The thing about Persona protags in general is that by and large, they’re mostly silent observers up to a point within their own stories. You can project your own headcanons onto them as much as you like-- heavens know that I’ve seen dozens of Yus or Soujis or Minatos floating around. Some are heavily based in canon, some are just what the fans thought was cool, and that’s great! Creativity rocks! But... Akechi’s entire deal-- the way that he reacted to gaining a Persona and access to the Metaverse? It’s intrinsically tied into his backstory, which P5 Protag by necessity has the bare minimum of.

You can argue that Goro and Protag are both victims of a corrupt system, and that as foils it shows how working within the system doesn’t work and sometimes you just need to go “fuck youuuu”, but listen, if that’s the criteria, P5 Protag is a better foil for Goro’s mom. Made one mistake that ruined their life and branded tham a pariah, we don’t know much about their life beforehand, tried to keep their head down and deal. And while Protag eventually rebelled, and found compatriots in that rebellion, Goro’s mother didn’t, and stayed alone, and died. Essentially, what I’m trying to say is that sure, Protag and Akechi both victims. But the injustices perpetrated against Akechi and Protag are different.

Which isn’t a huge problem. It could still work-- it does, up to a point.

But.

The rest of the Phantom Thieves are right there. You want foils? Literally half of the roster of the Phantom Thieves would make great foils!!!

Ann-- both think that it’s better for an abuser to live and suffer the consequences rather than escape into death. And depending on how exactly Goro feels about his mother, fighting because of revenge, too.

Ryuji-- relationship with fame, mom: ryuji has a loving mother, desires recognition for efforts as part of the Thieves, Akechi has the adoration of the masses, but he’ll never get his parents’ approval

Makoto-- wanting Sae’s approval vs having Sae’s approval but being indifferent towards it, both methodical, logic-minded, and good at school/hard workers, but impulsive at times as well.

Futaba-- on the record, both lost their mothers to suicide, supposedly because they couldn’t stand the shame of having had a child out of wedlock (though this isn’t at all true for Wakaba). The hecked up irony of Akechi taking away what Futaba had and making her just like him.

Yusuke-- I can’t come up with anything truly substantial off the top of my head, but there’s potential for Yusuke knowing that something was up with Madarame and choosing to not believe it vs Goro knowing that Shido was a shithead from the beginning and jumping in anyways

Haru-- maybe something to do with how she found out about the Metaverse and immediately tried to do something about her father using it, same as Goro probably did.

The point is, there’s a better way to characterize Goro, and that’s to have him interact more with your teammates, not by having the focus be on his interactions with the Protag. Because we know why our teammates react to things the way that they do. And by having Goro talk to them, we can get better characterization by observing the way that he plays off them, rather than having “Akechi walks over and monologues at me sometimes, and I understand him better because of that (no i don’t)”. Which brings me to another point, actually. Teammate interaction means that conversations with Akechi are far less one-sided than they are in the majority of interactions Protag has with him. Again-- the protagonist is mostly passive because he’s a partial player insert, and I totally get that. But the way that you’re only really given short dialogue options, while Akechi is clearly trying to get some sort of reaction from you (im pretty sure he believes that you and the gang are the PT as early as his Rank 2) gives me a really strong impression of “oh god it’s this guy again please go away”, which I’m sure isn’t the writer’s intention. But still. I Don’t Like It.

There are very few mostly-innocuous things that get my hackles up faster than feeling like I’m beholden to listen to somebody talk. The other two automatic confidants don’t do this to me because they’re very clearly story-related from the beginning, I know they’re going to happen, I have a general idea of how it’s going to go. Akechi just comes out of nowhere and tries to get a reaction out of me like he’s the heckin Spanish Inquisition. Do you know how much it sucks to have some person decide that you’re their friend (or fated rival or w/e), and that that gives them the right to approach you out of nowhere to vent or prod at you to see how you’ll react, and you can’t tell them hey, maybe don’t? Because that’s how I feel about his confidant. Listen, at least if you don’t like Ryuji or Kawakami or Makoto any other confidant, you aren’t obligated to progress them.

So how do you fix this? There’s two options that I favor:

You don’t make his confidant automatic, or

You make his confidant Goro Akechi vs. The Phantom Thieves instead of just Goro

I want to talk about the second option. Let Protag’s teammates carry the conversation! Akechi espouses a kind of Justice that members of the PT can’t agree with, to varying degrees. Some members may understand where he’s coming from more than others (say, Makoto or Ryuji, respectively) but the members of the PT were in circumstances such that if the Phantom Thieves had not existed, the corrupted system could not have resolved their personal injustices. And there’s something interesting to be found in this clash of ideaology! It would help to characterize both Akechi and your teammates!!

It wouldn’t even be that hard to change-- out of his 10 confidants, something like 6 or 7 of them are already group scenes! Just... just have him talk more with your teammates instead of hyperfixiating on you! That’s it! That’s all you needed to do!

Giving your teammates more interaction with Akechi also makes their abrupt change of opinion of him less (???) too! Because it implies that they were forced to re-evaluate all their previous interactions with him based on the information that he gives before and during his boss battle-- have one of them make a reference to that, afterwards. Like Haru’s ‘I understand where you’re coming from now, but also I still can’t forgive you’, but with more background behind it. Akechi making cryptic remarks about bad parents in the past and Ryuji or Yusuke or Futaba going “ah. i can understand you better now” after the battle.

Augh.

Anyways. Thanks for stickin with me until the end of this friggin monster. I.... should go do actual work now, bye.

#goro akechi #p5 spoilers #sundrywritings;

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