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neowinestainedress · 3 years

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↬ title: There is a glorious sunrise, dappled with the flickers of light. ↬ CHAP. 1 | CHAP. 2 | ↬ pairings: jung jaehyun x kim doyoung ; jung jaehyun x dong sicheng ; lee taeyong x kim doyoung | side suh johnny x lee ten ↬ summary: After seven years in heaven with Doyoung, an unexpected divorce shakes Jaehyun’s life upside down and it seems impossible for him to move on. But Jaehyun finds out that past the curses and cries, there is happiness and forgiveness. ↬ genre: Divorce | Post-divorce | Mild hurt/comfort | Strangers to FWB to lovers | Getting together | Single parent | Adopted children | Angst with an happy ending | Family feels | Family fluff | Aged-up characters ↬ warnings: References to past domestic abuse but it’s not described. Also, Little Renjun (and Yerim) just because I didn’t want to create a whole new oc, hope it’s not much of a problem lmao. ↬ words count: 8.8k ↬ ao3 link

Chapter two: There’ll be happiness after you

“Shit!” Sicheng muttered under his breath standing up from the mattress with his back. His eyes looked around the room swiftly, trying to catch a glimpse of his phone. Nowhere to be found. He got out of the covers, trying to be as silent as possible, and started to wear his clothes that were messily discarded on the floor the night before.

“Why do you always have to sneak out like a thief?” Sicheng stilled on the spot, one leg up in the air trying to enter in the pants and his front facing the door. Fuck, Jaehyun was awake. And he didn’t need to turn around to know how he was looking at him, not after three months this shit was going on, and his heart started to sink every time he had to say goodbye. Jaehyun’s gaze was burning on his back. He was sitting on the bed, with his hands laying on his lap, covered by the white sheets of his bed, his hair still ruffled, his eyes sleepy and his lips puffed. Sicheng hated that sight because every day was getting harder to leave.

Not looking for anything, my ass. He hissed inside his head. Cursing the night he let himself get caught in all of this.

“I’m late.” He mumbled, regaining his composure and grabbing his shirt that was laying on the armchair at the corner of the room.

“It’s Saturday. Late for what?” Jaehyun asked, annoyance in his tone, as he let his body collapse on the bed again. And Sicheng didn’t dare to turn around, knowing damn well how easy it would’ve been for him to lure him to stay a little bit more.

“Didn’t know people had no plans on Saturday.” He tried to joke about it and finally turned around. Just because he was fully clothed and there was no way he could go back in bed.

Jaehyun huffed, his arm coming to rest on his eyes. “Can I come with you?”

“No!” Sicheng almost choked himself. His eyes widening and looking all around the room. Where the hell was his phone?

Jaehyun got startled, not expecting this kind of reaction.

“I’m just late for something I need to do, okay? I really can’t stay. It was great, though. See you.” Sicheng mumbled, without catching his breath once. Then he disappeared out of the room, praying that his phone was in the kitchen or somewhere downstairs.

A curse slipped out of Jaehyun’s lips as he rolled around the bed, his face pressed against the pillow where Sicheng slept all night.

Maybe things started to get messed up in his life once again. And maybe, this time, it was totally his fault.

He didn’t understand why Sicheng acted like this every time he stayed over. Or better, he didn’t understand why all of a sudden he started to care.

He wasn’t looking for anything, right? But Sicheng was just so fun to stay with, he was kind, yet he had sharp humour and knew how to speak his mind. Oh, and the way he used to throw his head back when laughing, such a deep yet silly sound. Or how his eyes would light up when he talked about dancing.

Jaehyun growled in the pillow. He wasn’t supposed to think about all of that. He wasn’t supposed to find him so damn cute. That was not what he was looking for when he called him on the phone, one night of three months ago, to ask for a quick fuck that could distract him from his toughs.

“A little bit too shy now for somebody who just booty called me,” Sicheng teased raising an eyebrow. His hands wandering on Jaehyun’s back trying to lift his shirt and get rid of it as soon as possible.

Jaehyun mumbled something that made no sense and leaned closer to kiss him. “I– Listen it’s been quite some time, okay?” He reminded him. “Also, Doyoung has been basically –”

Sicheng shut him with a kiss, his hands running in his hair and pulling him even closer.

“As much as I love it when you talk shit I would very much like for you to shut up, now. Especially if you have to bring him up when you clearly called me to forget about him.” He said. His deep voice firm but not stern, but the thing that made a shiver run down Jaehyun’s spine was the look of his eyes, they were so intense and Jaehyun felt so naked in front of him he couldn’t help but blush.

“I just thought that –”

“Shh,” Jaehyun had no chance to finish once again, Sicheng’s finger coming on top of his red plump lips, “Can you just relax for one night? Let me take care of you.”

And Jaehyun did. He let go. The only problem was that they both didn’t pay much attention to the ‘one night’ part. Because the nights became two, and three and then so many that they had lost track. And then they also stopped just being ‘nights’.

Jaehyun had no idea if it was because, apparently both of them, Sicheng didn’t really open up much about his break up, had spent their wildest years settled with one person and now they were feeling the rush of a random fling. Or if that was simply what they needed. Whatever it was, they couldn’t stop, but they had no idea where all of this was about to go.

Jaehyun decided to get up from the bed. Deciding that moping in his toughs didn’t help. And it seemed hilarious to him how he was just stopping dwelling on is ex-husband that somebody else had started to screw him over.

༄

“You can’t go on this way,” Johnny said, stirring the coffee in his cup.

“Not you telling me to stop all of this when you were the one throwing me in his arms.” Jaehyun lamented, reminding Johnny that he was stressing him just a few months ago to open up and meet new people.

“I told you to have fun, not to get caught up emotionally.” Johnny retorted.

“I’m not. You think I like him that way?” Jaehyun laughed.

Johnny raised an eyebrow and gave him a bad look. Maybe it wasn’t love, yet, but Jaehyun was growing affectionate to him. Johnny could see it. He knew exactly how Jaehyun started to act when he started to like somebody.

“It’s just sex and friendship. We are good friends, what’s wrong with it?”

“Then why are you mad if he leaves?” Johnny highlighted teasing him.

“I just hate the way he acts sometimes. He’s keeping secrets and for what I know he could be a serial killer, John. And he would also be good at it.” Jaehyun started to mumble, his hands moving frenetically. Sicheng was so damn mysterious, and usually, Jaehyun was pretty good at reading people, but with him, it was impossible to take a small peek inside.

His friend rolled his eyes and then sighed. “You need to relax.”

“But how?” The younger squealed.

“Why don’t you talk to him?” Johnny said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And it was, just not for Jaehyun.

Jaehyun laughed but then turned serious as soon as he saw Johnny’s face looking at him with a severe expression.

“What if I lose him?” He whispered, his voice suddenly filling with a bit of sadness.

“What if you find out you’re just paranoid and you stop torturing yourself?” Johnny proposed him, showing him the other side of the medal, where everything could go right and he would find inner peace after finding out that Sicheng wasn’t hiding anything big from him.

Jaehyun sighed. “But it’s not my place to ask. If he doesn’t want to tell me I can’t force him. I don’t want to scare him away.”

Johnny sighed. When Jaehyun didn’t want to listen there was really nothing he could do. “Just because it happened once it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen twice.” Johnny didn’t say much, but Jaehyun knew what he was talking about. Jaehyun always feared being left, but after the divorce things got worse, to the point that he also started to question his friendships and how easily replaceable he was. Doyoung was still an open wound that seemed to have no intention to heal. He didn’t miss him like that anymore. Now Jaehyun could openly see the situation for what it was. After giving him all the best he had, there was nothing else. The only thing he could give to Doyoung was the green light of forgiveness. He couldn’t be mad at him for having finally found his happiness. He knew Taeyong was giving everything he wasn’t able to give him. He had stopped being the petty him, he had let sorrow and regret behind. But he was dealing with the aftermath of everything. And healing wasn’t easy and fast as everybody wanted to believe. Blooming was painful and long.

༄

“Why are you always in a hurry, Cheng?” Jaehyun lamented, his arms wrapping around Sicheng’s torso to keep him flushed against him.

“I simply have to go.” The Chinese man answered, trying to get away from Jaehyun’s grip. He didn’t want to, to be honest. It was nice to stay there, in the warmth of his bed and body, and let himself lose in Jaehyun’ scent. But he had to.

“Yeah, but why? Why are you so mysterious. Are you hiding bodies in your freezer?”

Sicheng chuckled, letting his head fall back and rest on Jaehyun’s chest. His eyes looked at the clock, 3 p.m. Maybe he could let himself stay a little bit more.

“Fine, but just thirty minutes more.” He said, turning his head a little to leave a peak on his lips. Jaehyun smiled in the kiss and nodded.

“You can’t dodge the question, though.”

Sicheng’s body stiffed for a split second. Maybe dodging no, but lying definitely. He hated keeping it a secret to him but he was just terrified he would leave, just like she did, and he didn’t want that to happen again. Or worst, get mad like he used to. He knew he couldn’t keep it from him forever, and he knew that it would’ve hurt like hell when Jaehyun would’ve slipped out of his life, but right now he didn’t want to think about it. Because for how messy the whole thing it was, Jaehyun made him feel good. Not only in a sexual way. He loved being with him, for what he could. He felt comfortable with him. They had so many passions in common, he would never laugh at him or at something that made him happy. Jaehyun was so fucking supportive that it felt like a fever dream to Sicheng. He wasn’t used to all of this. Always getting caught in toxic relationships where he would always take too much space and time. And it was absurd to him how he felt more loved in this mess, that was just a strange friendship stained with sex, than he felt in any other relationship he ever had.

“I babysit a four years old baby, and his parents are never home, basically.” He lied, his heart aching. A part of him felt he could trust Jaehyun with the truth, but what if underneath he was like anybody else? Nice on the surface and pure evil once he let them in. He felt that Jaehyun didn’t deserve all these lies, but he had to protect himself and him.

“You babysit?” Jaehyun asked in shock.

“Yeah, why?” Sicheng tried to stop his voice from shaking, looking at Jaehyun’s face to read him.

“First of all, I thought you worked at the dance studio. And second, I don’t know, never pictured you with a baby.” Jaehyun said, a little bit confused.

“I have two jobs, but I’m focusing more on the babysitting. Might also quit the dance, to be honest.” The man mumbled, his eyes once again looking away.

“Why? I thought that was your dream?”

“Well, we can’t always have what we dream of.” Sicheng sighed, maybe he should’ve run out of the bed right now and avoid any more questions.

“And the baby?” Jaehyun furrowed. He thought that teaching paid him enough to live only of that. Wasn’t it a more stable workplace compared to babysitting? Babies grow.

“What?”

“Why you chose to babysit?”

“Oh, it just happened.” He invented at the spot. But the insecurity in his voice didn’t reach Jaehyun that seemed to be busy daydreaming about something else.

“Why are you smiling so big?” Sicheng asked, eyebrows furrowed.

Jaehyun shrugged. “Imagining you with a child.”

“I’m good with babies.” Sicheng defended.

“Never said you weren’t. You would make a great father I guess.” Sicheng heart stopped for a moment, what was he implying?

“He’s not mine.” He spat out immediately.

“I know. Just saying, for the future, you know.” The Korean turned his face back on him and flashed him a warm smile.

“You would like to have babies?” Sicheng asked. “I mean, just asking.” He added soon after to make sure he wasn’t implying that they would be with him.

Jaehyun’s smile dropped. “Yeah, always wanted at least one. Doyoung and I actually had started the practice to adopt but things went wrong for bureaucratic problems and we had to give up.”

“Oh,” Sicheng said. He had no idea about that. Jaehyun never talked about that before, he always thought children never crossed their minds.

“Guess it’s better like this seeing how we ended.” He tried to see the half-full glass. He could still remember how he had cried for months when things went wrong and he had to give up the thought of them with a baby.

Sicheng nodded, and then looked at the clock again. He almost had to leave, but one last question haunted him.

“Do you want to get married again?” Sicheng asked, having no idea why. If he said yes it would mean there was no place for him in his life. They were nothing serious.

“I don’t want to make plans for my life anymore, to be honest. I’ll just follow the flown wherever it leads me.” Sicheng didn’t know if he had to be happy about it or not. But he should’ve because the flown had lead Jaehyun to him and he was more than happy with that.

“I have to go, now. Text me.” Sicheng said getting up from the bed, for the first time without Jaehyun begging for him to stay. Now that he knew the truth he could finally relax.

But the problem was that it wasn’t the truth at all.

“Who are you?” Jaehyun’s eyebrows narrowed when he arrived in front of Sicheng house and he didn’t find him when the door opened. A shiver run down his spine when the door opened and he didn’t see anybody. Then his eyes lowered and he found a child looking at him intensely. Was that Sicheng’s mini version? Because that was the same look he would give him every time he was mad.

“Umh, I’m looking for Sicheng, actually. He told me he wasn’t working on Saturday.” Jaehyun tried to explain, trying to sound as calm as possible but it wasn’t easy because the little boy was scaring him. Why was he there if Sicheng wasn’t supposed to be working?

The boy looked up and down at him and then talked again. “I don’t know you, and dada says not to let strangers at home.”

“Oh, no. I’m Sicheng’s friend. I passed because I tough he was free. Are your parents busy?”

An interrogative expression painted on the boy’s face, and then he took some steps back, closing the door a little bit. “Dada is in the shower, can’t come right now.”

“Sicheng?” Jaehyun asked, trying to get who he was talking about.

The boy nodded. And Jaehyun wondered how absent his parents must be if he called Sicheng dad, he knew that it could happen often to babysitters when they looked after young children but he always found that kind of sad. And wasn’t he supposed to look after him? Why would he leave somebody else baby alone?

“Can I come in? It’s quite hot outside, I just want to say hi.”

“No strangers.” The boy said. Damn, he was headstrong. But at least he had been educated well. Better like this than running away with strangers.

“If I let you see a picture of me and Sicheng will you let me in?” Jaehyun asked, kneeling at his level.

The brown-haired boy nodded, holding the teddy bear closer to his chest.

“Come in.” He said and moved to the side once the man showed him a picture of them hugging.

“Thanks. Actually, I have brought sweets, do you want some?” Jaehyun asked, making his way in the house and showing the young boy the package full of pastries.

The boy’s eyes lit up and he ran toward the small table that was placed in the living room. Sicheng’s house was considerably smaller than his, but it was normal considering he was the only one living there. Yet, this was the first time he came over during the day and he could notice things he never noticed before. Like the thousands of toys that were splattered all around the living room. And when he posed the pastries in front of the child on the table, his eyes fell on the framed pictures on the fireplace.

No, it couldn’t be.

He turned around, studying the baby better. He was busy picking all the pastries that had chocolate inside. He was wearing red shorts and a white tank top with Tom & Jerry printed on top. His legs swinging in the air and a familiar smile painted his small face. He focused on his face, his eyes, his little nose, his lips…

There was no way he could be –

“What are you doing here?” Sicheng exclaimed. He was wearing a loose white shirt and black shorts. His hair still wet from the shower.

“He told me he’s your friend and he brought the pastries, so I let him in.” The boy said before Jaehyun could say anything.

“Renjun!” Sicheng exclaimed, his Chinese accent coming out completely. “How many times I told you not to let people you don’t know inside?”

“But he showed me a picture of you together!”

“In his defence, he kept me five minutes outside to see if I really knew you,” Jaehyun said.

“Fine. What are you doing here? We didn’t say to hang out.”

“You told me you weren’t working so I thought –“

“I’m working, didn’t told you plans changed.”

“But dad, you’re not working,” Renjun said, with his mouth stuffed with food, looking angrily at Sicheng.

Sicheng closed his eyes and his fist. And that’s why you don’t have conversations between adults in front of children.

“So it’s true…” Jaehyun whispered, a hand coming to cover the stupor on his face.

“Jaehyun, please, not here.” The other man begged, voice breaking in his throat.

“Renjun, to your room now, take the sweets with you, just for this time.”

༄

“Why you didn’t tell me?” Jaehyun said as soon as Sicheng pushed him inside the small kitchen and closed the door behind them, to make extra sure that Renjun couldn’t hear anything. Jaehyun was angry, thank God he wasn’t screaming at him but Sicheng could hear how hurt he was from the whole thing. But he couldn’t force himself to look up at the man in front of him. He didn’t want to see his eyes filled with disappointment.

“Sicheng, why would you hide something so big from me?” He asked again, raising his voice a little. “What idea of me you had in mind to cut out such a big part of your life?”

The Chinese man flinched, raising his hand in the air to protect himself for something that didn’t come.

“Because I didn’t want this!” He yelled, his arms coming to close around his chest and trying to hide even more in the corner of the room.

Jaehyun stilled at his reaction. Why was he acting like that?

“Sicheng,” He called him, his voice back at being low and kind. He was still let down that Sicheng would hide something like this to him, but there was definitely something wrong and more tragic behind. “Can we please sit and talk like grownups?”

But Sicheng didn’t move or talk, and soon he let himself burst in tears, and kneel to the floor. Jaehyun run to him and pulled him closer to his chest. And Sicheng wanted to pull away, not used to that. Not happy of letting him see him like this, but what was the point now? Jaehyun would’ve left anyway now that he had found out. He was mad at him like everybody else. He was useless, pathetic and nobody wanted to stick to his side. The only thing he was good at, making people run away. So he could take the good of the situation and let himself lull by Jaehyun, just before he would snap out of the pity and take it on him and then leave him forever.

But the first words that came out of the other’s mouth, weren’t the ones Sicheng expected to hear. “I’m sorry that I scared you.”

Sicheng looked up, his eyes red and wet, and sniffled. Why was he apologizing?

“We can talk if you want, but if you don’t I’ll leave, didn’t want to –”

“No!” Sicheng exclaimed. “Please don’t leave me.” He added, the hold on Jaehyun’s shirt getting incredibly tight. And he could still hear his voice calling him pathetic but he couldn’t care, that was just a nonexistent voice in his head. He needed Jaehyun.

“I’ll stay. Can we seat there?” He pointed at the chair around the table and Sicheng nodded.

“Can I, can I sit on your lap?” He mumbled, red in the face. It was such a childish request but he needed to feel that Jaehyun was there, he couldn’t even care how hot it was. But Jaehyun didn’t laugh at him, he simply sat down and pulled him on top of him.

They didn’t say a word for some minutes. Jaehyun didn’t want to force him to talk, and anyway, he had no idea what to ask him. The pieces of the puzzles were so messed up that he had no idea where to start to put them together.

“Renjun is mine, as you may have guessed.” Sicheng started to say, a small chuckle rolling out of his lips and his hands nervously playing with each other. Jaehyun grabbed them and intertwined them with his to stop him from torturing his cuticle and then let his chin rest against Sicheng’s shoulder, carefully listening to him.

“His mother left right after his birth. We were twenty-two, dating since we were eighteen when I went to the dance academy in French. One day I woke up, and all there was left of her, and us, was Renjun in his cradle and a letter marked with tears, and thousands of words to tell me that she had met someone else and didn’t want to be a mother anymore. We wanted him, we wanted Renjun with all of ourselves, and after three months she left.” Jaehyun’s heart sunk. He could’ve imagined that something happened to the other part, but he wasn’t expecting this.

“I had no idea how to deal with all of that. I never saw it coming, I was so sure that we had finally found our happiness, that finally my life was coming together and all of a sudden everything I believed in wasn’t there anymore. I felt so stupid, so dumb because I couldn’t see the signs. And till these days I still don’t know what happened, where we went wrong, if I could’ve done something, anything to save us.” A bitter smile crept on Jaehyun’s face because he knew that feeling. And he wondered how can you move on from something like that, when it had already been hard, and still was, for him, and it was a divorce. Not a baby that you looked for that suddenly became a burden, a mistake. Jaehyun hadn’t been cheated on and left with a kid.

“So I completely focused on Renjun. First, because I had to, and I had no intention of making him feel less loved or less wanted. And second, because I didn’t want to face my broken heart. I went on like this till Renjun was two. Then I met a man at a dinner party. I went there because I was working as an assistant in a corporation, and I made the biggest mistake of my life. He was thirty-six year old, fifteen years older than me. He had his life together, an amazing house, three cars, and everybody pending from his lips. We started talking casually but I found myself caught up in him faster than expected. And I was so stupid that I thought he was as into me as I was into him. But there was nothing good in what we had. I was just one of his thousands of sex toys, and I would let him do everything he wanted with me. As long as I could feel wanted even for just ten minutes against a wall or his desk, for me it was okay.” A silent sob got stuck in his throat. He hated thinking about the past, especially that part of his life. He hated that he craved love so much that even the most toxic kind seemed okay to him.

“After six months like this, I decided to cut things off. I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore, and I wanted to focus on me and Renjun. But I was stupid and broken, I had no time to heal from her that somebody else had hurt me again. I was battered and bruised and I fell in the rabbit hole like a fool when he came back promising me to be the only one and that he loved me and wanted something serious.” Sicheng sniffled and moved in discomfort on top of Jaehyun. The other pulling him closer to him to reassure him everything was fine.

“We started to date,” He laughed bitterly. “But I had Renjun. I was a father before anything else, and he didn’t like it. I couldn’t always be where he wanted me to be. And a part of me was always thinking about Renjun even when I was out, I was just terrified something could happen to him, I didn’t want to lose him too. So I decided to open up to him and he seemed so understanding that I fell in his trap, even more, day after day getting deeper. He suggested living with him after three months. Like that, we could’ve spent more time together, I could’ve worked less and spent more time with Renjun, and finally move on from her completely by moving out of our old house. And to me, it looked like magic, but I had no idea of the nightmare that was waiting for me headed. Soon I stopped seeing the daylight, it had happened when Renjun caught a very bad disease and I had to look after him for a month, I was supposed to go back to work after that but he convinced me to stay home. Just to be sure that Renjun was fine and I could take a break from the stressful things that had happened. Pft, just an excuse to keep quiet while he would go around fucking anybody he met and also known that coming home he would’ve found a hot meal, fresh sheets and somebody else to fuck.”

Jaehyun shivered at his words. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to listen to the rest, but at the same time, he wanted to be a shoulder for Sicheng to lean on. That wasn’t what he had planned when he decided to surprise him that day. That wasn’t something he expected from Sicheng at all, because after all this pain he became so good at hiding emotions that nothing exuded from him. And now Jaehyun could see why he was cold sometimes when every time he let himself grow closer he would take five steps back right after.

“But once again, I didn’t see it coming. I was so in love with him that everything seemed shiny. He was much older than me and I believed I had so much to learn from him. I would sit and listen to all of the bullshits coming out of his mouth as if they were golden.” Another bitter laugh left his lips. “I treated him like a fucking king. Worshipping his ground like a fool. Every day waiting by the door to greet him home like a hero. My hero, because he saved me, he gave me a roof on the head, he paid for the food, for the water, my clothes, and any other thing he would buy even if I didn’t ask. Because he was doing so much for me and I had to be thankful, happy and quiet.”

“Then I started to suspect he was cheating on me, but every time I tried to bring the topic up he would gaslight me and I always let go, thinking that it was all in my head. And from then it started to go worst for me. I wanted to be wanted, so bad, Jae, so bad that I would’ve done anything as long as he would’ve kept looking at me and only me.” This time a loud sob escaped from his lips and he had to stop to regain his composure. He had to move and finish the story, it was starting to hurt and Renjun was alone in his room way too long for his liking.

“But I wish it would’ve stopped there. After six months his company started to flop, and he had to take it on somebody, and he knew that the only one who wouldn’t have dared to say something around was me. I don’t really want to talk about it, but things got worse and physical pretty soon.” Sicheng wanted to erase it from his mind so bad, but he couldn’t, and talking about it only hurt more. It meant going back there, with his hands on his body, his eyes black, his lips bulging and no mercy at his screams and cries. He knew he needed to go to therapy or else that wounds would never heal, but it was too expensive for him, a single father who was already struggling to arrive at the end of the month already like this.

“That’s why I flinched when you raised your voice before. When I was dating him one wrong step meant a yell from him followed by a slap, that when he was in a good mood and decided to stop there.” Jaehyun didn’t say a thing, he simply started to caress the back of Sicheng’s hand with his thumb to reassure him that with him nothing like that would’ve ever happened. But deep down he knew that wasn’t enough. Sicheng needed help, serious help. But right now, that was the only thing he had to offer, his support.

Sicheng sniffled, his hands tightening around Jaehyun’s. “It went on for almost two years, and if it wasn’t for Renjun probably I would still be there. I couldn’t stand seeing Renjun living in that toxic environment. Renjun started to be defensive with everybody, at the kindergarten he wouldn’t talk with anybody. He would ask me why I had bruises all over my body and I didn’t know how to lie anymore. He also started to have nightmares at night but he wanted me at his side and I had to put my baby second.” Sicheng paused another time, taking a deep breath.

“Do you want some water?” Jaehyun asked; the first words he spoke since they started this conversation. But the Chinese man shook his head. He didn’t want to get up and stop feeling the warmth of his body.

“I had no worth in his life and it was time for me to break free and leave him in ruins. He wasn’t expecting for me to stand up, to take the dagger he had jabbed in me and remove it. And neither was I. I had no money, no job, nowhere to go. But I did it, I was tired of begging for a place that wasn’t meant for me, I knew that both Renjun and I deserved better. To be celebrated, not tolerated. I wanted to call Ten and ask for help but I was so embarrassed by myself that I decided to test my luck completely. So I moved here without saying a word. Slept in hotels and sent jobs applications. And luckily enough I got accepted at the dance studio to teach. I have to look after him so the pay is not much for the few lessons I do, but it’s enough to pay the rent, the bills, food and clothes. I didn’t come here for Christmas, I had to lie to Ten because I didn’t want him to pity me.” Sicheng admitted.

“Wait, nobody knows about all of this?” Jaehyun asked when the realization hit him. Sicheng did all of that by himself, with nobody by his side.

“Nobody but you,” Sicheng confirmed, smiling shyly with his head low.

Silence filled the room after that, but it wasn’t awkward. Sicheng wasn’t in the mood to tell him how hard it had been to come all over another country and start from zero. With the fear he would come to look for them. He had no reason to do that, but Sicheng still lived in fear. That was one of the reasons why he insisted that Renjun wouldn’t trust strangers. He couldn’t care about Renjun, he never did, he wasn’t his. But he knew how much Renjun meant for him, and if he wanted to hurt him, the baby was his Achilles’ heels.

“Let me check on Injunnie,” Sicheng said getting up. He was still shaking, but he passed his hand on his face to wipe away the tears, ruffled his hair and then walked out the door. And Jaehyun watched him, wondering how many times he had to do it to appear okay in front of his son’s eyes when he clearly wasn’t.

But after all of this? What was his role in this story? Was Sicheng going to give him a chance or was that the way to let him know he was out of his life? Because Jaehyun didn’t want that, he wanted to stay. Which seemed absurd considering four months before he wasn’t looking for anything serious and now he was getting himself in something that not only was serious but also extremely complicated. And what if Renjun didn’t like him? What if he wasn’t what he wanted and needed? Was he good enough to be a father?

“Jae,” Sicheng called him, making him come back down from his thoughts. “He fell asleep.” He said, and for the first time that day he saw Sicheng smile also with his eyes, the one Renjun inherited from him. And Jaehyun felt at home. A little bit messed up, with broken windows and lots of things to fix, but at home.

“So, what are we making for dinner?” Jaehyun asked standing up and walking towards Sicheng.

The man stared at him with an eyebrow raised. “You want to stay?”

“Yeah, I came to spend time with you,” Jaehyun said as if it was the most obvious thing.

“And what are we going to do with…us?” He asked, his finger moving between them. He had spent an hour ranting about his life but they didn’t say a word about them. And what kind of them? That was nothing serious right? He was the dumb one who caught feelings in the way, not Jaehyun who just came out of a happy relationship ended in tragedy and wanted nothing to do with something serious.

“Give us a try? Only if you want to.” Jaehyun proposed, his face lighting up in a warm smile who showed his dimples.

Sicheng gasped. The Jaehyun, Jung Yoonoh wanted to give them a try? He wanted to take all the mess he, Dong Sicheng, carried with him. He hoped to God that wasn’t another twist of fate and that this time was really the right one. For him and for Renjun, who deserved stability.

“Wait, I didn’t scare you for life?” Was the only thing he managed to say, though.

“It takes more than that to scare me.” Jaehyun winked.

“Well, I guess it’s time to bring out the dead bodies in the freezer,” Sicheng answered, dead serious. Just to burst out laughing two seconds later.

“God, you’re so stupid,” Jaehyun said before pulling him into a kiss.

Maybe his love story wasn’t finished, yet. He just had to wait for the book to complete itself.

༄

“What if she doesn’t like it?” Sicheng said tossing and turning the Christmas gift he had in hand.

Jaehyun sighed, stopping at the red light and turning around to have a better view of the man sitting on the passenger seat.

“Wingi, she’s not even six months old. What do you think she’s going to do? Throw it at you?”

“But babies that age needs things that stimulate their growth and it’s really important that they grow fond of their things.” Sicheng ranted.

“Dear Lord,” He exclaimed, starting the car, again. “She’s going to love it, you’ll see it.”

“But –”

“Injunnie, why don’t we sing this song?” Before Sicheng could start to complain again, Jaehyun raised the volume of the radio passing Last Christmas.

Renjun giggled in his teddy bear hooded baby jumpsuit and with is plushie firm in the hold of his hands who were starting to be less chubby, and then said: “So daddy will shut up and sing with us.”

“Hey!” Sicheng screamed, turning around a little bit to look at the child sitting in the middle in his children’s car seat. “I’m telling you, I don’t like it that you two started plotting against me.”

Then the three burst into a loud laugh just to start singing the song together soon after.

“Dada,” Renjun called Sicheng, “want to know why this is my favourite song?”

“Yes, why?” Sicheng asked, looking at him from the review mirror.

“It reminds me of us. We were always lonely during Christmas or with that bad man but now we have papa and we’re happy and home is filled with love because you gave your heart to someone special.”

Jaehyun had to thank God they had arrived at Johnny and Ten’s house, and he had nobody behind because the brutal stops he did would’ve caused an accident. His heart stopped in his chest just to start beating twice the normal rage. But Sicheng’s reaction was any different. They weren’t expecting this.

They started to get serious right after that talk, but it hadn’t been easy. They wanted to see if they really worked together and then later Jaehyun would’ve entered Renjun’s life. Because if things didn’t work out, Sicheng didn’t want to also mend Renjun’s broken heart. So even if it had been almost six months together, and Jaehyun already got closer to the baby, they dropped the news to Renjun only one month ago. And he loved it. Renjun was so enamoured of Jaehyun that he wanted all of them to live together right away, and it also didn’t take him much to ask for another sibling, preferably a sister, just because he was head over heels for the little girl uncle Johnny and Ten had just adopted. But Renjun had never said something that strong. And also he never called Jaehyun dad, or anything alike.

“I think I need a moment,” Jaehyun mumbled. His heart still jumping in his chest. Renjun had called him papa and said he was someone special, in front of the same house where he got his heart broken one year before by seeing his ex-husband replacing him with somebody else.

“Congratulation, you broke daddy Jae.” Sicheng joked turning around, expecting to find Renjun to still be seated, but the small beast was already seat belts free with his head in the middle of the front seats, smiling at them.

“Nooo. You need to work!” He said pushing his little finger in Jaehyun’s cheek. Jaehyun turned around unexpectedly and jokingly eat it, making Renjun jump in surprise.

Renjun’s high and genuine laugh resonated in the vehicle, his head thrown back and his eyes closed as four eyes full of love stared at him. Finally, after all the pain everything seemed to be falling into pieces. Finally, there was happiness. And it was all summed up in that beautiful laugh.

“Come on! I want to see Yerim!” Renjun shouted once he stopped laughing and started to jump on the spot. Hurring them to let him free.

“As you wish, your majesty.” Jaehyun joked and opened the car door to get open Renjun’s.

Once the car was locked and they grabbed the bags with all the other gifts, Sicheng took a deep breath and stretched to Jaehyun his hand, which he took. Renjun was already knocking on the front door with Yeri’s gift in his tiny hands.

“You okay?” Jaehyun asked before he started walking towards their friends’ house. And Sicheng nodded, a bright smile on his face. “We met here one year ago.”

“And I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious. And look at us now.” Jaehyun remembered him. It was funny how fate worked, sometimes.

Sicheng laughed. That became their inside joke when Sicheng started to call him ‘Mrs. Nothing serious’ any time he wanted to tease him.

“If you don’t come in right now, I’m leaving you out in the cold!” Johnny’s voice called them and they both rolled their eyes before hurrying their steps to walk inside.

༄

The chatting of the people filled the big living room, the Christmas tree in the corner and the ambient lights created a warm and cosy atmosphere along with the holiday music playing in the background, loud enough to be heard but not to annoy. Ten didn’t hold back even that year where they had been extremely busy with the baby. But it was nice. Johnny and Ten’s Christmas party was one of the constant things in Jaehyuns’s life, he liked to know that he could always look forward to this. Especially now that everything fell into pieces.

“Why you didn’t tell me you were his ex-husband?”

“Well, good evening to you, too, Taeyong,” Jaehyun said, with a tint of irony in his voice. The man rolled his eyes.

“You made me stand there and tell you about us for what?” He asked, going back to his point.

Jaehyun sighed, and then he turned towards the voice coming from his side. Taeyong was standing in front of him, even more handsome than he was the year before. His hair was now a dark red, similar to the colour of the velvet suit he was wearing.

“To make sure he was in good hands. To make sure he has found his happiness.” Jaehyun explained.

Taeyong didn’t say a word. That wasn’t the answer he was expecting.

“And if you’re wondering, yes, I think he is.”

The other man furrowed. “Why? Why would you hurt yourself like this?”

“I didn’t hurt myself. Or, well, yes, it did hurt but it was useful. I needed closure, Tae. Can I call you that?” The man nodded. “Knowing that he had somebody else that brought the happiness I wasn’t able to give him anymore helped to get there.”

“Yeah but I still felt like shit when Doyoung told me about you,” Taeyong explained, sipping from his flûte full of champagne.

“You shouldn’t. I mean, look at this, everything is perfect now, right?” Jaehyun pointed in front of them. Ten was holding Yerim in his arms, talking with Sicheng and some other friends from work, while Doyoung and Johnny were chatting with Mark and Yuta. And he didn’t feel the suffocating feeling anymore. No matter all the unknown faces that still filled the room, or the fact that this wasn’t the plan he had in mind.

“I’m going to treat him right, even for you,” Taeyong said, his big sparkling brown eyes meeting Jaehyun’s. He still didn’t understand how Jaehyun could act like this, but he appreciated his maturity and his positivity. It felt strange, probably if he was at his place he would’ve hated himself, yet, Jaehyun didn’t.

“I know you will.” He answered smiling. He had no doubt about that.

༄

The sounds and the life of the city could be felt from the window where Sicheng was standing, the party alive behind him while he was spacing out, caught up in his emotions.

“What are you thinking about?” Jaehyun asked coming behind him, his arms wrapping around his waist, his chin resting on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“I used to sit in front of the window dreaming of a better day, every day of my life when it started to get worst. But as much as I dreamed it, it always seemed like an impossible thing to achieve.” Sicheng started to explain, throwing his head back so he could rest against Jaehyun. “Then I dried my tears and went looking for it. But I never thought it would end up being so wonderful.”

A smile appeared on Jaehyun’s lips as he held him closer.

“I used to think the divorce was the biggest failure of my life for my age and for everything I had in mind about my future. Then I discovered that there’s nothing wrong in adding a plot twist in the story you’re writing. Especially if the plot this is this beautiful.” This time the one smiling was Sicheng, as warmth spread across his chest. It felt like home, after all the broken houses he lived in, he finally found a place to call home.

“Are you,” Sicheng mumbled, his hands searching for Jaehyun’s around his waist. “ever afraid, I don’t know, that something might go wrong again?” Sicheng didn’t want to ask that to ruin the mood, but sometimes fear would always come back to haunt him. He was getting better, he started to go to therapy and could finally see the clearer picture, but he didn’t heal completely yet. And maybe knowing that Jaehyun had the same fears would calm him down.

“I am. I had spent years convinced that somebody would’ve been by my side forever and then one morning they weren’t there anymore, and the same thing happened to you. I don’t want to lose you and Renjun but I don’t even want to stain our story with fear and hold it back. I’m pretty positive about us, we make a really great family.” Jaehyun said, turning his head back to look at Renjun, who was lulling Yeri with Ten by his side, for a second and then looked back at Sicheng.

“I don’t want to make promises anymore, Cheng,” Jaehyun said, and Sicheng furrowed for a second. “But I can tell you that I want to hold your hands as we walk for a long distance keeping our pace, with no one running behind us, following our path. And I hope that when it turns to grey, or it rains, we don’t run away but we will keep looking for a better place, a better version of us. I don’t want to promise you anything, but I hope I can be the one that wipes your tears and hears you laugh for a long time.” The sincerity in Jaehyun’s warm voice made Sicheng’s heart skip a beat. As if he was wonderstruck he finally realized everything was real. After all, somebody was willing to spend forever by his side, and also take care of Renjun. In all the chaos of this big world, in the thousands of souls that walked the heart, and all their heartbeats, Sicheng had found his missing puzzle piece.

A hot tear streamed down his face as his eyes locked into Jaehyun’s, making extra sure that he was standing right in front of him and he wasn’t just another of his beautiful dreams.

“Do you like this idea?” Jaehyun asked. He didn’t want to use the word ‘plan’ anymore, he prefered ideas, so he could have fun staring at them and see how they would turn out.

Sicheng smiled, his eyes lighting up like the stars in the sky that night. “I love this idea.” And then he closed the distance between them with a kiss.

༄

“So he calls you dada,” Johnny teased walking to stand by Jaehyun’ side, his finger pointing at Renjun who had fallen asleep in Jaehyun’s arms. It was almost midnight, and the party was coming to an end, but Renjun gave up before they could finish the celebrations and Jaehyun’s arms seemed like the most comfortable place for him.

“He does.” Jaehyun smiled. And Johnny chuckled, that kind of smirk Jaehyun deciphered perfectly.

“What, Johnny? What is the lesson you have to give me, now?” He asked, rolling his eyes.

“Nothing. I was just thinking you’ve always been one of a kind.” His best friend said tilting his head to the side to have a better look of him.

“Elaborate, please.”

“A marriage, a divorce, becoming the father of a baby that’s not yours. That’s quite surreal for the perfect love story you always wanted.” Johnny explained. And before Jaehyun could talk back, taking it as an insult, he added what he really wanted to say to him. “I’m proud of you. Just wanted to let you know.” One of his arm wrapping around Jaehyun in a half hug.

And Jaehyun smiled, after whispering a small ‘thank you’ that was interrupted by cheers coming behind them. They looked at each other and then walked toward the table where everybody had gathered around. Johnny walked towards Ten who was holding his usual ‘end of the year’ speech that he always insisted to do to thank the people hat made part of his life. And Jaehyun reached Sicheng, leaving a small kiss on his forehead.

And now that he had all the people that changed his life in one room, smiling happily and cherishing each other, Jaehyun understood something important. His life definitely hadn’t been the perfect love story he always fantasized of, but that was the most beautiful part of it. And just because his initial plans didn’t work out it didn’t mean that what was waiting headed was bad. In the end, the most beautiful things that happened in his life were unexpected. He wasn’t looking for Doyoung when he found him and shared such a big slice of his life, for seven happy years. And he wasn’t looking for Sicheng and Renjun when he found them, after all the curses and cries. Jaehyun had learnt to stop crying and start to look at the past with the same smile on his face that he was reserving for the future. Because now that his eyes moved between Doyoung with his arms wrapped around Taeyong and Sicheng clenching at his side, while Renjun was still sleeping in his arms, he was more than sure, that in their history, after the great divide, there was a glorious sunrise waiting for them.

Jaehyun had loved Doyoung with every fibre of his body and he knew that Doyoung did too. He knew they had an amazing time together when they were younger. They had grown together, seen each other at their worst and their best. They had given so much to each other, and Jaehyun will never forget. And he knew that Doyoung was feeling the same. He knew it, from the way he turned around, looked for him in the crowd of people, and smiled. And they had shared so much that they didn’t need words to understand each other. Their smiles were screaming silent thank yous. Thank you for walking by my side all this time. They would’ve moved on, from then on, holding hands with somebody else, but always holding each other in their hearts.

And leavening it all behind wasn’t a bad thing, anymore.

It only meant one thing.

Finally, there was happiness, in their past and in whatever the future was holding for them.

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sueboohscorner · 7 years

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#The100 Season 3 Recap & a Defense of Bellamy Blake

The 100 starts its fourth season tomorrow night (9 PM Eastern/Pacific, after Arrow!), and I for one am stoked. This has been my #1 show since about episode 104, and it continues to be a sweeping, gorgeous, thoughtful sci-fi spectacle, exploring a future in which race, gender, sexuality, and even personality conflicts all feel secondary, because the true measure of a person's worth is simply, "Are you contributing to our survival or endangering it?"

Let’s look back over an intense Season 3:

Clarke's decisive victory at Mount Weather earned her notoriety among the Grounders. She became known as Wanheda, Commander of Death. But not all the clans revered Wanheda, at least one just wanted to kill her and gain her power (the Grounder mythology about reincarnation has led to some unfortunate offshoot beliefs!).

Lexa first captured Clarke (for her own protection from Azgeda, aka Ice Nation), but then earned Clarke's trust and affection once again. Lexa allowed Clarke to influence her decisions and leadership style, which kept skaikru alive but increasingly weakened the alliance and Lexa's own hold over the clans. Lexa wound up fighting to defend her reign upon a challenge from Queen Nia of Azgeda, and we got to see one of the most badass fight scenes in the series.

The erosion of support for Lexa led to her Flamekeeper, Titus, making a horrible decision. He sought to eliminate Clarke, whom he saw as a distraction and a corrupting influence on Lexa, but he wanted to frame Clarke's own people for her death (specifically Murphy), so he used a skaikru weapon. Lexa wandered into the room where Titus was wildly shooting a weapon he had no experience using, and Lexa wound up his unintended victim. This was not the best scene, obviously, but way more than enough has been said about that plot point, so I am not going to talk about it anymore. Suffice to say, Alycia Debnam-Carey took a role on Fear the Walking Dead, and as a result, we got an in-depth story exploring the Grounder mythology of reincarnating Commanders.

In the wake of Lexa's death, Clarke took responsibility for the Flame, knowing that it literally contained Lexa's spirit. She couldn't bear to see it handed to a mass-murdering psychopath like Ontari, and Titus had explained that the Flame doesn't overwrite its new host, it just becomes part of them, so Ontari's violent nature would not be dampened by gaining the Commander's Spirit. Both to save skaikru from a cruel new Commander and to honor Lexa's spirit with a worthy host, Clarke struck out on a quest to find Luna, who had known Lexa and Lincoln, and who was the only remaining Nightblood (i.e., viable host for the Flame).

Clarke's desperation to complete this mission brought out the worst in her; when Luna refused the Flame, Clarke tried to force it on her. Luna's a pacifist, but I don't see her inviting Clarke to holiday supper this year.

With no Nightblood hosts to take the Flame, but a pressing need to gain access to the Flame in order to defeat ALIE, Clarke took the Flame herself (aided by a Mount Weather-style transfusion from Ontari). She was briefly, beautifully reunited with Lexa, and she did defeat ALIE...but in doing so, she learned that an even more implacable threat faces humanity: Earth's nuclear power plants, long unattended, are in critical meltdown. The world is going to be irradiated and unlivable within a few months.

Murphy spent some time in Polis, playing at being the Flamekeeper to make himself useful to Ontari, as she pretended to be a legitimate Commander. She also forced herself on him sexually. Murphy's been difficult to truly like most of the time, but he's truly suffered, too. At season's end, he was reunited with his girlfriend, Emori, and Ontari was dead. So maybe Murphy will be on a better track than in the past. Also, Emori's history as a well-connected thief and smuggler may be useful as our heroes seek a solution for their nuclear dilemma.

Raven's another one whose suffering was extreme but whose portrayal featured some of the greatest acting of the year. (Seriously, someone get Lindsey Morgan a pile of awards for the work she did!) She was the first major player to volunteer for the chip, seeking relief from her chronic, debilitating pain. She was also the only one to fight back after taking the chip, because she realized she'd lost more than she could stand, such as her memories of Finn.

She saved the day by hacking into ALIE and showing Clarke how to access the back door and shut ALIE down.

In addition to her physical suffering, she lost her mentor/surrogate father, Sinclair, when he was murdered by Emerson. (Of the many deaths last year, that one was toughest for me.)

King Roan of Azgeda wasn't always on our team's side, but he also wasn't an intractable, straight-up baddie. He had plans and needs and loyalties, just like anyone. He and Clarke have made alliances here and there where it suited them, and he's smart enough to be a valuable frenemy, at the very least.

Octavia suffered the loss of her love, as well as the loss of her family connection, because of the part Bellamy played in the events that led to Lincoln's death. She took her revenge on Pike, but she just walked away from her brother (and skaikru as a whole, it seemed).

Abby & Kane grew closer, finally acting on the chemistry we've all been seeing between them for a while. It was lovely, but the timing was as unfortunate (as usual on this show!). They had their first kiss as he fled to avoid execution, and when next they saw each other, she'd been chipped; their next kiss was false (the moment of his realization that she's not really herself is one of the most powerfully acted scenes in the series--Henry Ian Cusick is phenomenal), and he wound up surrendering to ALIE to save Abby's life.

Kane has had probably the most profound character arc on the show, and one of the best I've seen on any show. He used to be a leader of his people, but on the Ark, that meant something very different than it does on the ground. Adjusting to life on the ground means learning to be a new kind of leader, and we've watched him do the hard work of finding his path, learning his limitations, accepting the counsel of others based on their experience and wisdom rather than shutting them down to preserve a hierarchy. He's become the man who humbly insists on having a free election rather than simply accepting the power offered to him by its current wielder. Granted, that went horribly wrong, but the intent was noble enough.

The political situation portrayed in S3 was heavily influenced by, even patterned on, the events unfolding in the United States’ presidential election. Watching it again, after the fact, the similarity is stark. Kane and Abby represent the incumbent leadership, cocky about holding on to their power. They are secretive, because they’ve been in charge for so long, they’ve got these bad old habits from the Ark council. On the Ark, secrets were their way of life, and if you told the populace too much, it was bad for everyone. Spilling a secret would get you floated. Sharing the inner workings of any council decision with the people affected by it was unheard of. The one time we know it happened, the culling of Section 17, was traumatic for everyone involved. The other time we know it almost happened, Abby had to consent to her own husband’s death. Abby and Kane have not yet learned how to be open and honest leaders. It doesn’t mean they aren’t good leaders in other ways, but it led to growing distrust and dissent from the people. They never imagined they could lose power. Pike’s populist uprising took them entirely by surprise.

So yes, that brings us to Pike. He’s angry, aggressive, vengeful, unwilling to see the Grounders as humans on some level. Like Bellamy, he can’t help but be affected by Lincoln’s bravery and honor, but he also can’t extend that good will to the Grounders as a people. He challenges Abby and Kane for their whole “need to know” attitude, as well as their edict that skaikru must make peace and submit to Grounder authority by becoming the 13th clan. He doesn’t want to make peace, and it turns out that at least a slim majority of skaikru feels the same. He wins the election, and his first action is a war crime. He slaughters the entire Grounder army that was stationed there to protect Arkadia from Azgeda. He immediately plans his next war crime: He wants to murder a nearby village and claim their land. Perhaps most telling, though, is how he treats his own people. He railed against the behavior of the Ark leadership, but his own leadership style is also based in secrecy, distrust, and punishment. He starts a spy network, uses friends and family against each other, throws his political enemies in jail and orders their executions. Ultimately, he has to be deposed in order to avoid all-out war.

And you have to imagine that by the end, a number of those who voted Pike into power found themselves thinking, I guess Abby and Kane’s know-it-all attitude wasn’t really that bad.

Jasper was a wreck all season. He couldn't move on from the horror of Mount Weather, of watching Maya literally melt in his arms. His rage at Clarke and Monty for their parts in the mass murder served to isolate him emotionally, which fed his misery further. He desperately wanted to take the chip and lose his pain, but in the end, it was unclear whether he willingly accepted a chip or was forced...he'd joined the fight against ALIE, but he remained deeply conflicted and weighed down by emotional pain. In the end, he was back out of the City of Light, but he was plainly struggling with a suicidal urge when we last saw him.

Monty was hurting all season because of Jasper's anger, but things only got worse when he was suddenly reunited with his mother. Hannah Green turned out to be a mom from hell, and Monty's loyalties were torn for a little while; he wanted to be with his mom and honor her wishes, but it meant betraying most of his friends and doing things he truly didn't believe were right or honorable. Ultimately, he chose to do the right thing, and they shared a tearful goodbye as Hannah told him she couldn't defend his treasonous acts, so he should run before he gets arrested. He later saw her again, but she was chipped and homicidal, so he had to kill her.

A small ray of sunshine entered Monty's life toward the end of the season, when Harper made a move on him, and he accepted. So yeah, let's take a moment to talk about the good things in our heroes' lives. There aren't that many, but there's still Miller and Bryan's relationship.

These two were together on the Ark, then separated by Miller's incarceration and dropshipment to the ground. Miraculously, though, they found each other again, after Bryan survived Azgeda's sieges on Farm Station's crash site. Bryan's loyalty to Pike was a problem, but Miller was understanding in a way people aim for in their purest heart but rarely achieve. Ultimately, Bryan realized that his loyalty to a man who'd saved his life couldn't outweigh his loyalty to the man he wants to spend his life with.

Jaha was a real piece of work, as usual. You can argue that he was chipped, but the truth is that he wasn’t a good guy to start with. He has a religious fanatic vibe–he feels that he knows what is best, and he will stop at nothing to make it happen to you, for your own good, like it or not. That’s who he’s always been. He was ALIE's acolyte, helping her to enslave people, though he called it "saving" them. (Technically, that's true--they got their brains backed up to the City of Light, so he saved them as you save files to a disk...but not without serious loss of data.) When Raven rebelled, ALIE said she was unable to override free will, so Jaha came up with the evil idea of torturing Raven until she agreed to permanent submission. That's all kinds of messed up, and make no mistake, that was Jaha's idea, not ALIE's..

Can Jaha be redeemed? Is he capable of admitting he needs to seek redemption?

And now I'd like to talk about Bellamy. One of the common complaints from fans last year was that he changed too much, or too quickly, or without sufficient explanation. But I have a different viewpoint on it. He never changed at all; we just learned something we had never known about him, and it was different from what we had assumed, so it felt like a change.

Think of it this way:

Have you ever had a friend with whom you never actually discussed a major topic, yet your depth of friendship led you to assume you both felt similarly on it, so when the conversation finally took place, you felt betrayed, like you never could have imagined you disagreed on something so huge, and you must never really have known them?

That’s Bellamy Blake in Season 3 of The 100. He never really liked or trusted the Grounders, but he loved and trusted his sister and his friends, so he deferred to their judgment. He went along with the whole scenario of allying with the Grounders, not based on his own feelings toward them, but because his people made that choice, and he had faith in Clarke and Octavia, and he is loyal. His people (and the audience) made the easy mistake of assuming he felt the same way they did.

We know of one Grounder Bellamy truly did trust: Lincoln. And we know that Lincoln had a kill order hanging over him, because the Grounder leadership considered Lincoln a traitor for allying with skaikru. Do that math: Lincoln stood by us when the other Grounders betrayed us, and that is a death penalty offense in Grounder justice; therefore, Lincoln is nothing like the rest of his people, and my high regard for him should in no way extend to his people.

So while Bellamy wasn’t outspoken about his anti-Grounder sentiment, it really wasn’t a change to his character when that sentiment was finally revealed. We felt oddly betrayed, because we have seen things mostly from Octavia and Clarke’s perspective, so it had never occurred to us or them that Bellamy felt that way…but there was really no reason he couldn’t have felt that way all along–we just didn’t notice until it became more important to him to express his own feelings than to go along with others’ feelings.

And of course, the event that pushed him over the edge was the destruction of Mount Weather, when his decision to trust a Grounder, Echo, led to the slaughter of dozens of skaikru, including his girlfriend, Gina.

Throughout S3, Bellamy acts in a way that is difficult to forgive…for us, for his friends, and most of all for Octavia. But think of the moment by the signal fire, before they’re taken to meet Luna, when he asks Octavia, “How long?” How long will it take her to forgive him, to look at him as her big brother again. To us, and probably to everyone in the scene, it sounds callous and selfish, because we are aligned with Octavia. But if you try to see it from his perspective, you can’t deny that he’s been twisting himself around to accommodate the emotional directives of everyone else, overriding his own suspicions and misgivings to accept the decisions Clarke and Octavia have asked him to help enact, setting aside his own feelings at every turn. Now, he’s finally acted on his own feelings, and he’s waiting for the others to respond with the acceptance and forgiveness he’s shown. Yes, Lincoln died…but Gina died, too, and no one seems to treat that with the same reverence or regret. It’s hard for us to feel that strongly about Gina, because we didn’t get to know her much, but we can’t assume that Bellamy’s feelings are less intense or important than Octavia’s or Jasper’s or Clarke’s, just because the relationship didn’t get as much screen time.

Plus, Bellamy didn’t only trust a Grounder, he went off to save Clarke (again), only to be rejected by Clarke and sent home empty handed (again!). So the decisions that weigh on him for causing Gina’s death are twofold: He vouched for Echo, and he chose to go rescue Clarke rather than stay to protect Gina. Never mind that he didn’t know the attack was coming, because the emotional weight is the same, and the emotional answer is that he should have known better than to trust a Grounder; he should have foreseen the danger.

So that more or less brings us up to speed. I’d love to hear your reactions, thoughts, predictions, etc., about absolutely anything in the world other than Lexa’s unfortunate demise, because I am sick of that topic for all time. Let’s just remember the good times, as Jasper would want to do.

#the cw #The 100 #Sci-fi #Season Recap #Clarke Griffin #Bellamy Blake

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