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unknown-writing · 3 years

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It’s hard doing this on my own...

Summary: You’ve gone into another Depressive state...This time. It’s far more violent than the last Depressive spell.

Warning(s): TRIGGERING CONTENT ABOUT EXTREME DEPRESSIVE EPISODES! DO NOT READ IF YOUR NOT COMFORTABLE! Ends with fluff. No gifs.

Word count: 2.9k+

A/N: I’m ok.

Luffy has always known you were...Different, than the others. Sure, everybody in the crew went through some tough times in their past but, they made up for that time to make them and their friends smile more. You however...Struggled with genuinely smiling these days again.

It concerned him how distant and emotionless you became. You kept yourself locked away inside that room, to protect the others from being hurt or feeling guilty...All he saw was that you were locked away in a Cage of Sadness that he couldn’t seem to pull you out of no matter how hard he tried too.

Tonight was no exception to his daily routine. He placed the food that Sanji had made on the floor so you could grab it whenever you were ready, then sat down beside your door on the floor of the ship. “Y/n-san...Dinner’s here....” He said loud enough for you to hear, but not enough to startle you.

Nothing....Just silence.

He waited for a few more minutes before getting worried that you weren’t opening the door for the food, but before his worry could worsen. Your door slightly opened wide enough to drag the tray back in...He wanted to see your face again...He missed it. he missed /you/. Shockingly enough, you /didn’t/ close the door after grabbing the food. Which confused him to say the least because you never allowed him to see you So Sad.

“Y/n-san?” he called out, stepping up to walk into the room, only to pause when he sees you...So....Hurt. It hurt /him/ seeing you like this. His body moved on it’s own and he hugged you tightly, quite literally wrapping his arms around your body.

You didn’t do anything...No smiles, no tears....Nothing.

That worried him.

“Y-Y/n-san?...” He calls out to you as he still held you. You looked up at him with dead, red eyes from crying so much before now. “Sorry...Luffy...” You weakly started then gave an expressionless chuckle that lacked any kind of excitement, worrying him further, “I can’t feel anything....”

That hit him like a two ton truck. “Can’t feel anything?” What did that mean? Was his hug not working?...He hugged tighter...No real response other than a grunt from being hugged tighter., It didn’t irritate you. It was just uncomfortable and hard to breath properly. Luffy got sad when you didn’t show any response towards his hugs like you used too. So he let go to let you breath better. “You can’t.....Feel anything y/n-san??” He asked again as he held your face, staring dead in your emotionless, empty eyes.

“No....Sorry....” You simply responded, only feeling his hands /slightly/ on your face. Luffy frowned, he was confused on why you were so numb and emotionless now. Was it the Depression you mentioned before? Or was somebody taking your feelings from you against your will? All he could do was sigh and then lift you up bridal style, it hurt not seeing you get flustered about it, but instead, look limp and dead-like in his arms. You seemed a lot more heavier than he expected as well.

He went to chopper, asking for help on what to do, the whole crew was there with you as you just...Quietly sat on the chair you were placed on, and stared at the floor while absorbing everything in. “She’s broken?...” Luffy asked, confused on how you could be broken “Well...Not exactly....But, it’ll take a VERY long time for them to gain their feelings back to normal....They’re hurting.” Choppers words affected the crew, as they were all friends with you. But more importantly, Luffy was affected the most since he was your boyfriend.

Several months later, Luffy did his hardest to try and make your life just a little bit easier for you. Protecting you during battles. making sure the crew respected your wishes when it came to privacy. Making sure that you ate and slept a healthy amount of each thing so you wouldn’t hurt yourself anymore than you were.

The crew was celebrating another Team-Up mission with the Heart Pirates, they knew that Law was a Doctor so, they confirmed that you did in fact, have Severe Depression...And it started getting REALLY bad over time, but that a shift was going to change after a while. Which surprised Luffy to say the least but, he didn’t force you to change for anything.

You were off in your own corner with Zoro, as the two of you had gotten to be close friends before your Depressive state. Luffy was sitting with the two of you since he’s gotten fairly protective over you, over the last several months. You just drinking some Tea and had some of your favorites out of this feast that Sanji and the Heart’s crew had prepared for everybody, minding your own business as you absorbed everything.

You felt....Lighter...MUCH lighter than before...It’s not 100% happiness but, it’s /something/ to say the least. Zoro saw the slight shine that came back to your eyes for a split second, but didn’t comment on it and just left you be. Meanwhile, Luffy was reenacting his fight with a recent enemy that was super strong, you listened in every now and then, but heard that Luffy nearly got killed.

That worried you...Your face warped in concern but, went away fairly quick when he said that he managed to make it out somewhat alright thanks to the crew. You were thankful for them keeping him alive. He was your boyfriend after all.

Your boyfriend........

Your Boyfriend.....

The thought of the fact that you nearly lost your boyfriend to an enemy hit you like a two ton truck. You sat there deadpanned, but you felt something Wet falling down your cheeks. You didn’t move or say anything. Luffy paused when he heard a faint sniffle from your throat...You were crying.

He started to panic, wondering why you were crying all of a sudden. You rubbed your face and held up a hand to make him pause, “I...I’m ok....I’m ok...” You repeated, “How are you ok y/n-san!? Your crying!” he yelled, worried that his story may have triggered you into a relapse. Once you started calming down, you chuckled, albeit it was very soft and awkward, “Sorry...I’m Sorry...It’s just...The thought of losing my boyfriend got me more upset than my Depression that I started crying...” You admitted, now shocking Luffy and the crew that could hear you.

Luffy paused, somewhat stunned by you just admitting that outright...”Y/n-san?...” he asked while waiting for a response from you...You weren’t exactly back to normal, but the very, /very/ small smile you gave was Bright enough for him to notice that you were coming back from being so numb for so long. Luffy was ecstatic to say the least. Even if your smile was small and awkward. You still /smiled/ after so long of being unable too.

Luffy shouted your name out when he flung into your lap, startling you, which caught /everybody’s attention/ this time and turned to see what was happening. Much to their surprise. There you were. Giving a soft smile as your boyfriend hugged you tightly, keeping you close to him. The crew sighed in relief that you were starting to express emotions again.

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Sanji was always in-tune with your emotions. He could sense that something would be eating at you before you even mentioned it, he made himself become synced with your emotions so that way he could be there for you in any way possible, even if it’s for a short time.

However, when your too quiet and distant. He can’t really do much to help you out. He can’t guess what your feeling that day because you’re avoiding him and the others. He can’t be there for you for emotional support if you’re not willing to accept it from him.

Soon enough. After a couple of months of realizing this familiar pattern of yours, he knew what was up. He knew that you were having yet another Really Bad Depressive episode again...Only this time, it seemed to be FAR worse than what happened the last time. Lasting a longer time than usual...It affected him quite a lot. He felt guilty that he couldn’t hold you or kiss you goodnight/good morning. He couldn’t so much as see your face because you refused to let him see this Ugly Demon of yours.

Today was different. It felt off to him. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but, while he was out shopping for food supplies on this small Island with the others. Nami had left YOU to take care of the ship. Sanji had to force Usopp to stay behind and help in case the ship got attacked while they were gone.

“--anji-kun??” Nami called out, “SANJI-KUN!!” She yelled, snapping him out of his worried trance over you. “H-Huh?? Sorry..What were you saying??” he asked, snapping back to reality. Nami could only groan in irritation, sighing as she rubbed her face. “Look. If your that worried about y/n-san. Then go back to the ship. Give me your grocery list and I’ll do the shopping for you.” She says while shooing him.

You weren’t expecting to be outside of your room...But it’s not like it was your fault to begin with. You gave an irritated scowl as the guy held you in his bigger arms, practically choking you in the process. You were being used as a hostage to calm down Usopp, and hopefully lure out the other Straw Hats to collect their bounties and turn them in.

“Right...We’ll be taking this lovely lady as well with your treasure...” The guy starts off, but saw that Usopp was about to fight back, so he held out a gun to your head and chuckled. “Don’t even try anything...You move, this girl gets her head blown off.” He threatens before going into a chuckle fit. You looked up at him with your expressionless eyes, a smile was there but, it was creepy. “Sure...go ahead and kill me....But, I don’t think you got the stomach to handle that.” You teased, giving out a small Pfftt sound effect afterwards when he cringed and released you, just letting you fall on your knees.

“Y-Y/n-san! Don’t give him any ideas!!” Usopp shouted, scared for you. All you could do was sigh sadly, “As I thought...” You paused to look up, “You didn’t have the guts to shoot...” You teased again, making the Pirate Hunter flinch again and re-point the gun at you face in point-blank range. “Creepy girl.” He insulted.

But before he could shoot, his head got kicked in and his aim barely missed your head. You sat there, wide-eyed when you saw your boyfriend Sanji, He looked angry as he was literally on fire. You then saw his face up close when he started to fight the other guys, kicking them off the ship or sending them flying into the deeper part of the ocean. By the time he was done, the main leader of the Pirate Hunters had been placed underneath his foot, Sanji was holding his face there, you could see the other guy’s face warping in fear for his own life

Sanji then lifted his leg up, and then a loud /thump/ rang in your ear. he crushed the guy’s skull in, killing him right in front of you. “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT HURTING /MY/ Y/N-SAN!” He screamed, which made the last remaining few of the Pirate hunters run for it, jumping overboard as they panicked in fear from Black-Leg Sanji.

You stayed still. Shocked as to what exactly had happened. You were about to be killed while you were Depressed....You /wanted it/..You /craved it/....But even so, the feeling of being rescued by your boyfriend...Overwhelmed you. You stayed still and started to cry out loud, startling Sanji out of his anger-trance to go to you and hold you tightly. At first, you didn’t do anything. But after a while, the crying got worse, you clung to him for dear life.

You /wanted to die/...But even so...Being saved by him made you thankful for the save he just did. “T-Thank you Sanji!! I....I thought I w-was gonna...Gonna die!” You panicked, somewhat yelling within your hiccupped sobs. Sanji kept you close and did his best to calm you down from your meltdown, cooing you as he ignored Usopp and his surroundings. “I’m just glad that your feeling better y-y/n-san...” He says, knowing that you weren’t 100% there but, you were alive regardless.

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Despite how Zoro is. He instantly knew that you weren’t.../There/ mentally for the last while the first minute he saw that you hadn’t woken up with him in his bed this time.

This time however....Had gotten pretty bad. A lot of your old habits started showing themselves but, they seemed to be doubled over time. At first he decided to just....Leave you be, in case if you just needed the time to yourself so that way you can focus on getting better. But...Over time when this started to become a constant with your routine. That’s when his panic really started to kick in.

Today marked the 34th day that you kept in your room. Sure, you’d peak out for food and something to drink or snack on, but that was way in the beginning. It’s been three weeks since you barely showed up. Zoro paced back and forth in front of your room, softly mumbling to himself on what he should do. Should he knock on the door? No, that’d startle you..Should he just barge in if it’s unlocked? No..You’d probably hate him if he did that..What if you were blacked out? Or sick? oR DEAD!? “Zoro....If you keep pacing back and forth like that...It won’t fix anything...” Nami said in a worried tone of voice, seeing her friend pace back and forth with worry. Zoro only scoffed and shooed her out. so he could focus on helping you somehow.

Suddenly, a loud /thump/ echoed your room when he listened in, that was enough to get him to just slam the door open in a frenzy, worried out of his god damn mind on what was happening. “Y/n!?” He called out....Nothing. he looked around your small room and noticed that it was a complete disaster. it seemed like you had fought somebody in here. he clicked his tongue, disappointed in himself for being unable to be there during one of your meltdowns when you needed him most.

He paused when he saw your body on the ground, panicking, he started calling out your name loudly. You weren’t dead...Thank god. But you were very weak...Too weak. Zoro yelled to get the other crew member’s attention as he lifted up your weakened body. You were breathing but, it was heavy. “The hell happened??” He asked, feeling a sense of guilt start to wash over, before he moved further though, he felt something tap against his boot. “A bottle?” he turned it over so he could get the label and read it’s content.

He couldn’t fully read it properly but, he got enough of an idea that it completely shocked him. Before the others had arrived, he rushed with your limp body to Chopper’s “office” so he could check up on what was happening with you from a professional...He had an idea but, he didn’t want to assume either.

“Y/n was trying to overdose on something.” Chopper said bluntly while looking at the content from the blood he took from you. He sighed and noticed that it was a medicine that he used to numb his patience when they need severe stitches. “But...They’ll be ok....Luckily you caught them just in time Zoro. Anymore of this could’ve killed them.” Zoro didn’t say much. he just thanked Chopper for the hard work and patted his head gently.

It took a while for you to get back to normal after that night. You felt extremely guilty and kept apologizing to both Zoro and the rest of the crew for what you tried to do. At first, they where angry but after a while, they understood what you were going through and left you alone. Zoro on the other hand, was NOT happy....Not one bit. He wasn’t /livid/ either but, he wasn’t too pleased with what he saw. The scene of him finding your nearly dead body kept playing in his mind. he was terrified of losing you, so terrified that it actually scared him.

Eventually though, you and Zoro were able to talk a little less awkwardly now. The two of you stayed in the workout room just talking about random stuff. A small silence filled the air after a while...You sighed, rubbing the back of your head awkwardly. “...Thank you...” You say quietly, but loud enough for Zoro to hear. “...For saving me that night...” After hearing you thank him for saving you. At first, he wanted to be petty and make you sit in that guilt for a bit.

But after a short few moment, he caved in and wrapped his arms around you tightly. You didn’t say anything but, you could tell he was upset, as he shivered a bit within the hug. “Don’t ever do that again y/n...” He starts off then paused to inhale, “If you need to talk to somebody. I’m here. I’ll always be here.” he lets go so that way he can kiss your forehead and put you on his lap to cuddle you again. “I can’t stand the thought of you not being by my side.” he admits, which really warmed your heart.

You sighed and patted his head gently, “...I promise to turn to you from now on.” You say as the two of you cuddled then fell asleep in each others arms.

#tw// depression #tw/ suicidal attempt #tw// heavy mental themes #Do not read if your uncomfortable #luffy x reader #zoro x reader #sanji x reader #one piece x reader

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bladesofyuri · 6 years

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My Excess Weight is Falling Off: How, Why, and What’s Different

This is a different kind of post for this blog, but I think it’s worth sharing.

If you’ve been following me for a few months, you may have seen a post I made asking for fitness/healthy lifestyle/accountability buddies. My weight is something that has always fluctuated and that I’ve always had a hard time with, even when I was dancing all the time and trying all sorts of “diets.” Over the past two years I found myself in a really dark place, and the weight started piling on for a number of reasons. No, I’m not telling you that as an excuse--it isn’t one. I simply wasn’t taking care of myself like I should’ve been. I was eating fairly well but not well enough, skipping meals I just felt too tired to eat (and sometimes, I’d go an entire day without one), and when I’d go to the gym, I wouldn’t do much more than the elliptical for an hour or a half hour plus some resistance training that really wasn’t challenging me. I knew I needed to work differently, but I had no motivation and my heart just wasn’t in it at all. The combination of graduate school and work was, to be frank, kicking my ass. On top of that, my social life had become nonexistent, I had no boyfriend, and didn’t really feel like I had anyone aside from two close friends who no longer even live in the same city to talk to.

I’d even for the first time in my life grown very uncomfortable at the gym, despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt from my own experiences on the other side that nobody cares about what you’re doing or is even paying attention to you there. Still, I felt like a big, bloated puff waddling around it in comparison to everyone else and more importantly, compared to how I used to feel in it: strong, confident, and calm.

Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health at the time.

There was something else too that’d been bothering me: more than anything, I wanted to get back into dance, despite having been out of it so long. I just needed that familiarity, that something, even if I wasn’t really in good enough shape in my mind to be doing it. One evening, I saw an advertisement, and I decided to try a class.

That in itself was a little jarring: I suppose in the 7 years I’d been out of dance, I’d forgotten how tiny dancers really were. I’d always been thicker for a dancer, at my fittest usually being mistaken for a cheerleader or gymnast. This was also the time when I was extremely involved with martial arts, which literally shredded my fat in those tougher spots right off. I’d gone from literal fighting shape with a six-pack to fat, and on my kind of build (which is average height and very curvy), even being a little chubby shows.

So here I was, in this dance class for a style I’d never tried before feeling very much like a potato among shorter, more toned versions of Victoria’s Secret models. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least, though it was fun.

That said, there were a ton of concerns going through my head. This class happened to be one where you’re partnered by men the whole time, and I began to wonder what effect my weight may have on them. There were no lifts at least--but moves that involved leaning, dips, etc. were common. Not to mention, I imagined my larger body must be much harder to lead.

So, I worked out a little more, still doing the same types of thing. Elliptical, treadmill, occasional resistance. I tried cutting carbs (more on that later), had a brief and desperate stint of limiting myself to one small meal a day (unhealthy and disastrous--I gained weight), and several other things that were so ineffective they aren’t worth mentioning. I thought that maybe despite my age my metabolism had already begun slowing down rapidly.

Not knowing what else to do, I decided to see a nutritionist.

We started meeting regularly, and she worked to figure out what exactly was going on. On paper, I wasn’t eating particularly badly: I had a few off days here and there, but combined with the amount of exercise I was getting daily (from walking back and forth to work and class, those 3-4x a week gym sessions, plus the new dance class additions), she had a little trouble deciphering what was wrong at first. I was particularly frustrated--I’d lost weight before, dropped my body fat percentage to a staggeringly low but still healthy amount for a female, and yet nothing I was doing now seemed to be working. My weight just fluctuated naturally as it always had. I had my resting metabolic rates checked, and some other tests run too.

Well, I thought when everything checked out to be within normal range, at least I was finally having some fun. I loved my dance classes and each made me feel quite a bit better on a daily basis even if I did still have those occasional nights when depression and anxiety really decided to kick in. Though the styles were different, I was doing something I loved again and meeting new people who were kind, informative, and encouraging, and that was more than I’d had in some time.

It still wasn’t enough for me, though. Not really. I’d dance around my apartment, listening to the kinds of music I used to dance to--hip-hop in particular. It always had been my strongest style, and I decided to try out the studio’s advanced class. I had, after all, done it for many years, and was still pretty confident I could move like I used to if my probably hilarious apartment dancing was any indication.

I took a class.

I realized they filmed everything.

And I watched those videos back. Sure, I still had it and had somehow managed not to lose much of my skill, even if I had been out of it for so long. No doubt this is thanks to the physical activity I’d maintained, even if it wasn’t up to par with what I’d done in my dance and martial arts days. Seeing that first video generated two thoughts in my mind:

1. I was still good. Very good.

2. I was still good, even keeping up with the pros in my class, but the person dancing in that video wasn’t me.

People have different opinions when it comes to being on camera. Some think it’s unhealthy to use it as a motivator, believing that it can develop an obsession. But I’m not that type, and in my mind, using videos to hold myself accountable is no less unhealthy than sitting on Tumblr feeling sorry for myself and eating myself into a blob, which is exactly what I felt I was. Nobody was “shaming” me. It wasn’t society or beauty standards or anything of the sort. I simply wasn’t happy with myself, and this video proved it.

I kicked it into high gear. As much as I may not often admit it I’m a highly competitive person. I see either someone who’s better than me at something and what to get to their level or surpass them, or I see myself and want to overcome that current self and transform it into something better. This, for better or worse, was exactly the blend of both I needed. I could dance like the people around me, and where I was a little rusty I knew I could get back, but I didn’t look as strong as them just because of my body.

I made small changes to my diet. I’ve always had a running joke about having the appetite of a lineman, and to this day that’s true. I like my food, and I like to eat. A lot. But I changed what I ate and when. I eat no breads or rice after lunch, instead loading up on lean meats and veggies. I don’t snack on things like yogurt at night anymore, either. Instead, I whip up some egg beaters (I highly recommend the southwestern flavor, by the way) and throw some lean, deli-cut turkey breast in with it. That’s my current go-to late-night snack. Other snacks are usually hard-boiled eggs or something along the lines of raw vegetables, fruits with a light dusting of Stevia over the top for those sweet tooth days, and carrot fries with a light ranch. I also make good use of frozen fruits that keep forever and that I can throw into a blender with some Greek yogurt. Breakfast is often something like a grilled chicken breast with eggs (my ultimate weaknesses is Chick-fil-A’s egg white grill when I need a speedy breakfast on the go), a poached egg with half an avocado and a slice of wheat toast, or something along those lines. I’ve also tried the toast + peanut butter + banana thing, though it was a bit sweet for my taste. Lunch is a bit broader: I enjoy salads but not enough to have them daily, and lunch admittedly tends to be my least healthy meal of the day. I had a cheeseburger today for example, which I do not recommend, but if you’re going to do something like that, just make sure you’re opting for a side salad or something similar instead of fries. My aim for lunch tends to be a light salad or a something like a burrito bowl with very little to no rice. I focus on lean meats and vegetables for both lunch and dinner, so depending on what I’ve prepped or am planning to make/have, I make the according adjustments to my lunch.

One thing I cut out completely--and a cut that pains me as it will my fellow Southerners--is sweet tea. I love sweet tea. I grew up on sweet tea and it’s quite literally the taste of home. This is something I had to ween myself off of over the course of a couple weeks on the days I ate out, ordering 1/2 sweet, 1/2 unsweet drinks. I’m happy to say I’ve already broken the habit, and it’s already become natural for me to order or make unsweet tea and either drink it as is or add just a pinch of natural sweetener in. Likewise, I cut back on sugary coffee drinks, though that wasn’t as difficult for me. I don’t mind the taste of black coffee, so that’s all well and good.

Once I did all of these things, I started noticing little things. Those leggings that had been too tight suddenly started to fit perfectly. My workout pants that I’d gone a size up on because of my chubbier areas started falling off--literally, to the point where I constantly have started having to pull them back up. My stomach and waist area--which is the one and only area I always have lost weight quickly in--has already gone from being jiggly to flat. My lovely (yes, this is sarcasm) Viking arms I inherited from my dad and my thick cyclist legs I inherited from my mom are already slimming down and toning. I started bodyweight circut classes and free weights again, though I definitely still enjoy my resistance days. It turns out I don’t need any additional cardio now that I’m dancing again, and I really only do short stints of it for stamina purposes.

And suddenly, it’s all been put into perspective.

My biggest block was settling for not enough.

I was eating in a more healthy way than the average person, but it wasn’t enough. I was working out regularly, but not in a way that was enough. I had no real routine or regulation for what I was eating beyond just staying under a certain calorie count, and not a good enough routine in the gym.

I’m not saying don’t go get on that elliptical or treadmill if that’s something that makes you feel good and helps you. Everybody’s different. Some people really can drop weight as long as they’re up and moving, and it really doesn’t matter what they do during that time. Others, like myself, need more specific exercise, and from experience I know mine is a combination of dance or martial arts and weights/bodyweight. Running does nothing. Ellipticals do nothing. Cycling does nothing. I have to do weights, and I have to have workouts that engage my entire body.

I’m happy to say within the past month of really hitting it this hard, not only have I lost weight, but I’m nearly down a size in everything (the latter of which is more over the course of two months). It really was just making the right changes and remembering what works for me, along with figuring out the new things that work for me since I obviously no longer live under my parents’ roof like I’d done the first time I’d really gotten fit. I had to figure out a way to cook for myself and make the right decisions when I do get fast food. I had to really start putting in the right work at the gym.

And you know what? It’s worth it.

I’ve even developed something of a social life through my classes again, and I’m loving every minute of it. It’s worth it to go into those classes and meet people, encourage them while they encourage you, and let them help to make you the best you can be through their sheer dedication and skill.

As for the darker mental side of it all, depression and anxiety don’t go away, but you can train yourself to push through them again, and you might just find those spells starting to dwindle a bit when you do. For me in every way, shape, or form, these changes have all been worth it.

Find what works for you and go for it not halfway, but all out.

#personal #bladesofyuribabbles #health and fitness #fitness #progress #update #unrelated #real-life #truths

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jamesbuckfastbarnes · 7 years

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A Family Dinner.

“We'll talk later.”

“I have reasons. You wouldn't get it.”

“Oh, what a shocker, you have an excuse.”

*TRIGGER WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDERS AND A SMALL SNIPPET OF AN ATTEMPT AT PURGING. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T READ THIS IF YOU THINK IT’LL TRIGGER YOU!*

Just a small side note - if you’re going through anything like an eating disorder or self harm or anything like that, my inbox is always open if you need to talk! I love you all! - red-w00dy xoxo

Glancing at my reflection in the bedroom mirror, I couldn't help but feel disgusted with myself. My arms were looked vile, my thighs were enormous and my stomach was way too big for my liking. I tugged at the new dress I had bought for Thanksgiving at Gemma’s, arranging it so nobody could see how much weight I'd lost. It's not like I'd always had issues with my food, but for the past couple of years I really struggled to find anything attractive about myself. My boyfriend of three months, Chibs, was nothing but adoring, constantly telling me that I was beautiful and whispering gaelic compliments in my ear whenever we were out on a date. I'd chosen not to tell him about my eating problems, thinking that if he knew then he'd probably dump me there on a spot. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the small machine that filled me with dread whenever I stepped onto them. Scales. I quickly kicked off my heels and pulled the scales out from their place under the sink, convinced that weighing myself just before the dinner couldn't hurt. That way I'd know just how much I could eat without putting on anymore weight. I placed my feet on the machine and glanced down, watching the needle flicker for a moment before it stopped. 107lbs. I was determined to get down to 100lbs which meant eating today was out of the question, no matter how mouthwatering Gemma's food looked. I'd just returned the scales back to where they were when Chibs wandered into the bathroom, wrapping his arms firmly around my waist and placing a soft kiss on my cheek with a smile.

“Ye look fucking beautiful, hen,” he muttered against my skin, running his hands up and down my sides whilst peppering kisses against my bare skin. I flashed him a weak smile in the mirror, leaning back against his chest. “Are ye ready tae go? Gemma just rang, she said the food should be ready in the next hour.”

“Yeah, just let me put my shoes on and grab my handbag,” I smiled, moving away from his grasp to put my heels back on before making my way into the bedroom where my bag sat on the dresser. I unzipped it to check I had my usual pack of mints along with a spare tube of lip gloss and another carton of cigarettes in case Chibs or I ran out during the meal.

“Yer gonna die when ye see all the shite Gemma’s making. Her pumpkin pie has tae be the best I've ever tried,” he told me, his hand resting at the base of my back as he escorted me out of the house and towards my car. We'd decided taking the car was the best option earlier that day as Chibs would probably be drinking and it was safer than taking the bike if that was the case.

“I'm not actually that hungry to be honest with you,” I lied easily, climbing into the passenger seat whilst Chibs slipped into the driver's side. He took the keys from me and inserted them into the ignition, turning the engine over before reversing backwards into the street. “We're not going to be having massive portions are we? Only I'll feel rude if I don't manage to finish it all off.”

“Ye’ve nae eaten anything today, baby. I bet once we get there and ye smell all the food, ye’ll feel hungry. I ken Juicy boy always says he’s nae hungry but usually ends up eating more than everyone else combined,” Chibs chuckled, taking one of his hand off the steering wheel in order to light the cigarette he had trapped between his lips. I gave a weak nod in response, diverting my attention to the houses we were passing out the window rather than continue to talk about food - the thought of how much Gemma would be cooking was enough to make me feel nauseous.

By the time we reached Gemma and Clay’s house twenty minutes later, I was a nervous wreck. I knew the club didn’t trust me yet, not that I expected them to given I hadn’t been around that long, but I didn’t really want to spend the entire day listening them talk about Chibs’ past conquests in front of me and making me feel jealous of all the pretty girls that had spent the night with him. I voiced my thoughts to Chibs as we sat in the driveway of the house, our ‘thank you for having us’ gift for Gemma resting in my lap. He reassured me that they were only doing it because they knew it winded him up but if he saw me feeling uncomfortable then he’d be the first to tell to knock it off. We both climbed out of the car and made our way to the front door, Chibs opening it and gesturing for me to go in first where we were immediately greeted by Gemma and Clay, the MC’s president wearing the most hideous green jumper with a turkey on the front underneath his kutte. The couple gave us both a kiss on the cheek and thanked us for a gift, motioning for us to go to the living room where the other guys and their counterparts were already sitting, drinking beer and laughing at something Tig said. Chibs grabbed my hand and led me over to the empty armchair by the fireplace, dropping down into the seat before pulling me to sit in his lap. He instantly fell into conversation with Opie about some old motorcycle Opie was working on whilst his wife, Lyla, began complimenting me on the dress I was wearing. Half an hour after we arrived, Gemma announced that it was time for dinner and everyone had to sit at the dining table.

I was seated between Jax and Chibs according to the place cards that Gemma had laid out on the table, something that made me happy as I got on well with Jax quite well. Just as everyone started laughing at Tig ripping into Clay for his awful sweater, Gemma and Tara emerged from the kitchen holding several plates that were piled high with food. I paled at the sight, especially when Gemma placed one down in front of me that was equally as full as both Chibs and Jax’s. There was several slices of turkey, a mountain of mashed potatoes, stuffing, an assortment of different kinds of vegetables, some candied yams and a bread roll on the edge of the plate. I fought back the urge to gag and smiled gratefully at Gemma, picking my fork up and poking tentatively at the food as if I was deciding what to eat first. Everyone else tucked into their food around me, leaving me to stare down at the overflowing plate in front of me. I only stopped when I felt Chibs squeeze my thigh softly which caused me to look at him, seeing a kind smile on his face as he mouthed the words ‘eat what you can, Gemma won’t be offended’ at me. I nodded quickly and scooped the smallest amount of mashed potatoes onto my fork, using my teeth to scrape them off the fork and into my mouth with a fake smile plastered on my face. I knew I should have told Chibs I didn’t want to come, that way I could have spent the day alone with no food in sight. But no, I had to say I would love to go with him. Damn his pretty face, I probably would have declined his offer if he was ugly.

“Hey baby, are you enjoying the food?” Gemma asked as she passed behind me with another bowl of cranberry sauce. Turns out that Bobby and Clay both loved the sweet sauce, adding piles upon piles of it on top of their turkey to the point that the white meat had become red from how much they had used. “You’ve not ate that much, why not try the stuffing or the turkey? All you’ve seemed to do for the past half hour is pick at the potatoes.”

“It’s really good, Gem, I’m just not that hungry at the minute,” I smiled at her, cutting up a small sliver of turkey and stabbing my fork into it before slipping into my mouth, forcing myself to chew it with the smile on my face never faltering. Gemma seemed to be pleased with this and carried on to her seat next to Clay at the head of the table. Chibs however was a different story, continuing to flash me concerned looks as he ate his own dinner. A pang of guilt shot through my chest but I ignored it, turning away from Chibs to carry on spooning the smallest bites I could manage into my mouth with the occasional fake moan to keep up appearances.

“Y/N, are you going to eat that stuffing?” Juice piped up ten minutes later, noticing that I hadn’t touched the stuffing on the left side of my plate. I shook my head as Chibs reached over the table to clip the young Puerto Rican around the back of the head, berating him for being rude. “What was that for? I was only asking. She’s not touched it, thought I may as well see if I could have it if she wasn’t going to eat it.”

“If it’s okay with Gemma, I don’t mind. I don’t want to be rude though, I’m just feeling a little full from all the turkey and the mashed potatoes,” I frowned, Gemma nodding to say that it was okay for Juice to dig into what was left over. Half of the food on my plate was cut up into miniscule bites and merged together to appear as though I’d eaten a lot, when in actual fact I’d only had several forkfuls of mashed potatoes and a couple of bites of the turkey. I had become fairly skilled in making it seem as though I was eating, using diversion tactics to take away the attention from my plate and mixing my food up to make it seem like there was less on the plate which meant that nobody would suspect that I wasn’t eating properly.

Once dinner was over and everybody had retired to the living room, I couldn’t stop thinking about the amount of calories I had consumed during dinner. After the plates had been cleared, everyone had encouraged me to eat an entire slice of Gemma’s famous pumpkin pie and the thought of it making me gain weight was enough to convince me not to eat for the next few days. I knew I’d have to exercise all the calories off once I got home as well, but I had developed a routine which meant that I could burn them off without feeling faint. After twenty minutes of losing myself in my thoughts, I realised that Gemma’s bathroom was upstairs which meant nobody would be able to hear me if I was to make myself throw up. I excused myself from the conversation I was having with Chibs and Tig, heading out of the room and up the stairs where I locked myself in the bathroom. The full length mirror behind the door caused me to see my own reflection as I hovered over the sink, urging me to critique my appearance for the millionth time that day. Although my cheekbones and collarbones were well defined, I could still see the fat on my upper arms and the way the dress clung to my thighs which made them seem bigger than they actually were. It was enough motivation for me to drop down onto my knees in front of the porcelain bowl, shoving my fingers down my throat until I was able to make myself gag. After a couple of minutes a knock at the door stopped me in from what I was doing, a sigh of defeat escaping my lips due to the fact I hadn’t managed to make myself puke.

“Are ye okay in there, lass? Ye’ve been up here a while and everyone’s beginning tae wonder where ye’ve ended up,” Chibs called from the other side of the door, causing me to stand up and straighten out my dress before opening it to see him leaning casually against the doorframe. He had his arms folded across his chest and one of his eyebrows were raised, giving me the impression that he knew exactly what I’d been doing. “What were ye doing in there, hen? I mean aside from the obvious. Yer eyes are all watery and shite.”

“Oh, I was just checking my make-up and realised I had a stray eyelash on my face, accidentally poked myself in the eye trying to brush it away,” I laughed lightly, dabbing underneath my eyes to get rid of the tears and shrugged it off like it was nothing. Chibs shook his head and pulled me into the bedroom opposite, closing the door behind us once we were both in the room. Judging by the posters of girls on motorcycles and the stack of Harley manuals stacked up on the bedside cabinet, I came to the conclusion that it was probably Jax’s bedroom before he moved out. Chibs perched himself on the edge of the bed and beckoned me forwards, resting his hands on my hips once I was stood directly in front of him.

“Be honest with me, Y/N, were ye making yerself throw up in the bathroom?” he asked slowly, pulling me down so I was sat on his right thigh and brushing my hair away from my face. I narrowed my eyes at him and feigned confusion, playing it off that what he was saying was craziness. “I’ve noticed ye’ve lost a lot of weight recently, nae tae mention ye barely ate anything at dinner today. And dinnae say it were because ye weren’t hungry because I ken fer a fact ye haven’t ate since yesterday afternoon.”

“What are you trying to say, Chibs?” I scowled, standing up once more and stepping backwards when he proceeded to do the same, looking down at me with a knowing expression on his weathered face. “I’ve just not been feeling very well recently, that’s why I barely ate anything today. As for the losing weight thing, I’ve just been exercising a lot. I’m not starving myself if that’s what you’re getting at.

“Och, come off it, Y/N, yer a terrible liar and we both know it. Ye barely eat, and whenever ye do ye go and run off to the bathroom after half an hour or so. Ye exercise way tae much fer it tae be healthy and yer so skinny, I’m afraid if I hug ye too tight, ye’ll snap. Just admit ye have a problem and we’ll get ye some help,” he shot back, grabbing hold of my wrist and tugging me back to him when I tried to leave the room. “Dinnae walk away from me, and none of that ‘We’ll talk later’ shite either. We’re going tae sort this oot once and fer all.”

We continued to argue over whether or not I had a problem for a good twenty minutes, both of us turning red with how frustrated we were getting with each other. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t just leave me to it, especially given that we’d only been together for a few months. Surely it was my decision to make if I decided whether to eat or not, and I didn’t need Chibs giving me shit for it like I was a small child. I eventually admitted that I’d skipped the odd meal here and there, and maybe I was exercising more than I should, but that didn’t mean I needed to go seek help for it. As Chibs stood there processing what I had said, I took the opportunity to escape the bedroom and head downstairs, mumbling a quick apology to Gemma before exiting the large house. I had just reached the driver’s side of my car when Chibs came storming out of the front door, blocking me from getting into the vehicle as Gemma, Jax and Tig all crowded in the doorway to see what was happening between us.

“Look, I have reasons. You wouldn’t get it, okay? So why not just let me go home and you can come talk to me when you’ve calmed down a little?” I tried to reason, despite knowing that Chibs wouldn’t go for my suggestion. He scoffed at what I said and shook his head in disbelief, removing the carton of cigarettes from his jeans and proceeding to light one up. He took a long drag and exhaled the smoke through his nostrils, a mixture of sympathy and annoyance swimming in his dark brown eyes.

“Och, what a shocker, you have an excuse. This isn’t just something I can forget about, Y/N, yer clearly nae very well. Christ, I really fucking like ye, lass. I dinnae want tae wake up one morning tae get a phone call from the hospital saying yer hooked up tae a load of machines because ye haven’t been eating properly,” Chibs sighed, running a hand through his dark hair as Tig and Gemma carefully approached us, obviously figuring out the reason behind the argument Chibs and I were having.

“Look, doll,” Tig said before I could tell them both to stay out of it, holding his finger up to silence me as Gemma moved to wrap her arm around my shoulders. I rolled my eyes, ready to hear whatever he had to say whilst Chibs tapped his foot opposite me in a feeble attempt to calm himself down. “My kid, Fawn, has been through exactly the same thing and I don’t want to see anyone ever go through that, especially not someone that Chibs likes so much. You might not think you have a problem but we all noticed at dinner that you were off your food, and with how skinny you are, it’s not hard to put two and two together. In my eyes you only have two options - go see someone that’ll help you get better or start planning your funeral because if you carry on, you’re gonna end up dead.”

“Tig’s right, sweetheart. You’re beautiful but it wouldn’t hurt to get a little meat on those bones, you’re far too skinny for my liking. I tell you what, you get yourself sorted out and we’ll go shopping for some new clothes once you’re better. And if a shopping spree isn’t a good enough excuse to sort yourself out then think about Chibby. You’re not just hurting yourself by doing this, you’re hurting him as well and I know for a fact that you don’t want that,” Gemma added, combing her fingers through my Y/H/C locks in an attempt to assure me that sorting myself out was the best option.

I couldn’t help but think that maybe I did have a problem, and a bad one at that if everyone had picked up on it in the space of a couple of hours. I gave them a weak nod to confirm that I’d seek help, wrapping my arms around my grumbling stomach as Chibs gathered me up into his arms and span me round in a circle, causing me to giggle at his actions. Tig and Gemma chose to return to the house at this point, leaving Chibs and I standing there in the middle of the driveway just staring at each other. He dipped down to brush his lips over mine softly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear when he pulled away from me. A small smile appeared on his lips as he continued to gaze down at me, clearly delighted that I was willing to sort myself out.

“Yer absolutely stunning, lass, I want ye tae remember that next time ye feel unhappy with the way ye look,” he whispered quietly, resting his forehead against my own and placing his hands on either side of my hips as I proceeded to drape my arms around my neck, relishing in the warmth radiating from his body in comparison to the cold, winter air. “I ken it’s a wee bit soon but I just want tae say that I dae love ye, hen, and I want tae spend the rest of my days with ye. I cannae dae that if yer six feet under because ye didn’t eat. Yer beautiful, and I’ll always think so, just remember that, okay?”

“I love you too, Filip. And thank you, for making me realise that I had a problem and for being there to make sure I get help. I promise I’ll get better, not just for me but for you as well,” I mumbled back, pressing my lips against his and relaxing into the kiss. I knew I had to stop what I was doing or I’d end up losing this wonderful man, and if that meant getting help then I was more than happy to do what it takes. With Chibs by my side, I knew I could conquer anything that came my way.

#Chibs Telford imagine #sons of anarchy imagine #soa imagine #chibs telford #gemma teller #clay morrow #tig trager #jax teller #bobby munson #opie winston #juice ortiz

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