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vidalinav · 3 years

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So...

Am I correct to assume that Nesta’s birthday is going to be a bash after ACOSF? Because it should be lol.

Though Headcanon #978: Birthday Edition

Cassian wants to throw her a party because it’s his MATE’s birthday. Their first birthday together. Like hell he’s not going to make a big deal about it. He has the week planned. It’s Nesta’s birthday week.

He has breakfast in bed, a bath run with rose petals, he spent two weeks getting her a gift (not sure what it is yet). He got a giant ass red ribbon because he plans on wrapping himself in it when the night is over.... (wink wink wink lol) I imagine that he actually does try to have every day focused on Nesta, like one gift everyday or something leading up to it. I also imagine things going intensely awry, like he’s called to Illyria. There’s trouble in this place. Yadda Yadda, so all his plans are moot and he’s more upset about it than Nesta is because Nesta didn’t even know. But he’s at least there for the day before and the day of Nesta’s birthday. Nothing is going to stop him for those two days. He’s like die another day, nothing is going to keep him from celebrating the birth of the love of his life.

I still imagine that Nesta likes attention. I feel she would hate her birthday on principle. But she’s very excited this year to be celebrated, because she has best friends and a mate and a magical house and it’s an entire new year when the last few sucked. So, she’s like yesss, celebrate me, love me, feed me cake.

But Nesta is also very adamant that she does not want to make a big deal about it. She wants him to make a big deal about it. But she does not want a huge party (i.e. She does not want a family celebration-group get together-----Still sure they are not friends, her and the IC, Idfc it doesn’t make sense) But Cassian is like “You deserve a big party. After all you’ve done” but that’s precisely why she doesn’t want it. Because they don’t love her, they love what she did for them. So Nesta concedes and tells him fine they can have a party, but she only wants Emerie and Gwyn to be there. Because Gwyn and Emerie have already made plans with her about this day.

They’re going to have another sleep over. They’re going to fill the room with balloons. It’s going to be a giant ball pit filled with sacks of helium. There’s going to be a cake that towers to the ceiling. They’re going all out.

Cassian is like what about Azriel? And Nesta goes fine, if Azriel is here and he wants to come for a bit then he can. Cassian concedes to this.

BUT then they have a family dinner, because those occur weekly, and Feyre brings up her birthday and she’s like uhhh... I already got plans. She tries to use Cassian as an excuse, and he lets her because he knows why, but they’re like nah Cassian you don’t mind do you? And Cassian just looks at Nesta like what do you want me to say? But Nesta doesn’t know how to tell them that she doesn’t really want them to come. Especially to her sister who she’s trying to turn a new leaf towards. The problem though is, it’s not going to be just Feyre and Elain who come, because she doesn’t mind only them. But Feyre comes with the rest of the group and then it becomes huge and she really doesn’t want that. And also her friends are not their friends. She’s lived separate lives, and she doesn’t really want them to mix.

But she can’t necessarily lie. But she can’t tell the truth. So she’s like trying to keep everything separate. So, she’s like well why don’t we have a small outing in the morning or something with just the sisters, but then fucking Rhys is like WE ALL want to celebrate your birthday. He plans on getting her several gifts. He already knows what they are, and Nesta looks at him disturbed because she really does not want to know what they are. But then Azriel is chiming in because he already knows what’s happening and he’s a butt sometimes and he knows Nesta is trying to avoid them, so he’s like yeah Nesta, we ALL want to celebrate. She gives him a mocking look, he smirks. Nesta realizes he’s a lot more annoying than she thought he was... she wanted to have a threesome with this guy. Big mistake ever thinking that. But then Amren chimes in also, and then Mor not really wanting to be left out is like.... I got you a gift already. Nesta is very surprised about that and also horrified. Is Mor lying? Only the fic will tell.

So... this happens in two ways one that is fluffier than the other. Okay?

Option 1: Angst version/Drama version

They show up uninvited after Cassian expressly says that she wants a small birthday party and that they’ll have their own personal one the day of, and then the next day they can have a party with the IC. Two days of parties, which Nesta is fine with.

But they ignore those wishes and end up showing up on the day of and Cassian is upset about that, because this is Nesta’s day. He wants her to be comfortable and happy and no arguments at all or weird feelings. Nothing. Nesta has been through a hard year, this day is just for her. But them showing up uninvited makes it about them.

They bring many gifts that Nesta doesn’t want to open really, because Emerie and Gwyn are there, and she doesn’t want them to see how impersonal the gifts are. Because they’re impersonal. They don’t know Nesta, and they grasping at straws. Nesta knows this. She just wanted one day of not pretending that they’re utterly fantastic. But it’s because Nesta is self-conscious, prideful, and she has tendency towards embarrassment in the book I noticed, where she doesn’t want to be judged or looked at in a way she doesn’t want. And she abhors the idea of Emerie and Gwyn seeing her act differently around her family or seeing her family around her and then deciding that she’s as rotten as she feels. Old insecurities die hard you know. BUT mostly, it’s also because Gwyn and Emerie don’t know them, and Nesta doesn’t want them to be uncomfortable either. She didn’t expect them to come, or she would have asked them if it was okay. I have this hardcore headcanon that Nesta is chill with almost everything as long as you ask her, but I imagine her as a boundaries type of person, that she’s okay as long as you respect her boundaries no matter how odd they may seem to people more open than her.

She spends the night more subdued than Cassian would have liked, kind of smiling shyly but also maybe more apprehensive. Which makes him angrier that they showed up. (I love grumpy Cassian I don’t know why).

But you know she’s polite. It’s just a tad awkward, and the IC start getting pretty defensive, because Cassian gets mad when they’re about to leave. I imagine they start dismissing his feelings, like Nesta seems fine with it. Why do you have a problem? I want the old IC to come back and all of those problems from previous books, because damn do they dismiss Cassian many many times. Bring that shit back, I was entertained.

The sisters exchange parting words, and its civil and nice, but they do note that Gwyn and Emerie are going to stay and Nesta seems excited about it, and when Nesta talks to them, she’s a happier person, and they kind of resent that. More Elain I feel than Feyre. Feyre’s just more sad about it but she understands because she also has friends who she considers closer than her sisters. She’s just content that Nesta has people now who Nesta feels open and happy with. Elain is like straight up annoyed. (Personally if Elain is going to be pitted against Gwyn (I sure hope to god not) I would rather it not be about a man and more about Nesta and her relationships). But Nesta again is like turning a new leaf, so she’s like are we still going out tomorrow for breakfast or whatever? And Feyre’s like yeah! I don’t know I feel she gets more that Nesta is trying than Elain. Elain doesn’t have an arc, so I imagine this would a be a start of an arc, these conflicts.

But yeah, you know that scene in ACOFAS, where it was Nesta looking through the window and seeing all of these happy people who are so together, who left her out even when she was just starting to push them away. I want that again in the opposite direction. Where it’s the IC/sisters who look at Nesta and her group of friends, and Cassian, and Azriel who you know stays because he lives there, and thinks that they are not a part of that happy group and they resent that, because whatever did they do????

Anyhoo.

Option 2: Fluffier version (For Nesta anyways)

Is that Nesta concedes to them coming to her party. Gwyn and Emerie are told that they are coming, but again they are not staying for the night, but Gwyn and Emerie will stayover. So the cots are set up and they’re in the family library. They have a bunch of board games set up, romance novels everywhere.

They’re blowing up balloons when the IC/Sisters come and they have helium, because you know who gives af about rules of this world when SJM doesn’t so, there’s helium. And Nesta is a little tipsy. The House has given her wine, but is monitoring the intake, and Nesta is doing pretty good about it, because addiction wasn’t that big of a deal in this book, so we just gonna trek on. Nesta is a giggly drunk. Who knew? She’s also a flirty drunk so she has clung to Cassian many times. She’s giggly and touchy touchy. Cassian is having the time of his life seeing her this way. It’s cute and he kisses her nose and she wraps her arms around his middle and just hugs him constantly. Like a Koala. You know.

But when the IC/sisters get there, Nesta actually answers the door, and again she’s pretty loose. So she’s smiling and very happy to have her friends, so she’s like okay, come on in. They go to the library and Emerie and Gwyn are inhaling the helium and Nesta laughs at the voices, but they quickly get up when they see their High Lord and Lady, and they try to like say hello, but their voices are still changed, so Nesta laughs again.

And the IC/Sisters note the giant ass cake in the middle of the room. All of the balloons. The streamers. The signs that look so messy. And they’re like this is... not what they were expecting. Because it’s not formal at all. Very casual even and they did not expect that from Nesta.

Emerie and Gwyn give her their gifts early. Not sure what they are, but Nesta absolutely loves them and she shows them off and is just like super proud to have these friends and she’s like bragging about them freely. And Emerie and Gwyn are just kind of like holding her and hugging her and being all fond too about her, because affectionate drunk Nesta, but also because her friend group dynamic is affectionate and loving.

I feel Cassian does actually gift her a weapon, mostly because I want to see it. I feel like Nesta would appreciate that. I know she has her own technically, that are magical. But a women needs more than three weapons ya feel? So the one he gifts her has opal on it, on the hilt and encrusted through the blade. Because it looks like the sky perfectly and it’s gorgeous. Freedom, Flight, and Fight you know. And it’s like the shiniest steel sword with markings engraved, and it’s very thin and light because Cassian made sure that it was suited for Nesta. That it would be comfortable for her height and weight. It’s crafted in the Day Court, because well he gets all his gifts there now. Helion indulges him in hopes that it will somehow make him look more appealing to Nesta Lol.

Mor actually does give her a gift, because if this is the fluffy version than Mor and Nesta have had a moment before this dealing with Keir in which Nesta is a bit of a confidant and someone who sides with Mor which validates Mor’s feelings because Keir visits, which maybe I will make a post about later. But they’re... frenemies. Not enemies anyways. They understand each other a bit more. SO she gifts Nesta a music box, the one with a little ballerina that dances. It was actually hers when she was young. She explains that she tried to find a new one but all of them just didn’t seem like her and the one she had had more sentimental value that she felt Nesta should have. This makes entirely more sense if you know the context. But Nesta just stares in awe at this present. It’s gold and images are carved out on the lid and sides and the music I imagine sounds like Once upon a December from Anastasia. It’s very magical. And Nesta is extremely surprised. Everyone is because Mor’s presents suck. But this present doesn’t suck at all. Nesta’s touched, but Mor kind of brushes it away, she’s kind of embarrassed about the reaction.

But eventually everyone leaves and it still ends on a somber note, because her sisters and even the rest of the IC, really do notice that they are not completely a part of Nesta’s life. They come and they go. She doesn’t ask them to stay, which may be overreaching since they haven’t done anything to warrant the closeness, but they do start realizing that they may have caused some things that are not fixable because Nesta is civil but she’s not close with them. And they almost want to be close to her, because of how warm and comfortable the home she created is. They don’t understand how that could have happened without them. But it does end up being something that everyone doesn’t know whether they should resent, or decide that they just need to try harder to be a part of Nesta’s life, not so much Nesta fitting in with theirs. I like to think that they don’t know the extent of the ramifications that they caused by being bitchy to Nesta when she was not in a good place. You can’t necessarily ask to be loved when you are not so lovable, since that’s essentially what they put on Nesta.

Oh how the turn tables.

#nessian #nesta archeron #cassian #long post #nessian headcanon #nessian hc #vidalinav

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zanybohbot · 4 years

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The Outsiders: Squit's Sh*ttiest Birthday Ever!

The Outsiders: Squit's Sh*ttiest Birthday Ever! (Episode 6)

Published: 11-04-19 - Updated: 11-08-19

It's Squit's 29th birthday and he is planning a dinner party but it clashes with a more popular bash so that his only guests are Pinky, Brain, Wakko, Pesto and Brain's exchange neighbour Patrice. This is the 6th fanfic episode of The Outsiders. Thx. Rated R for Strong Language/Mature Themes/Sexual Language.

Part 1: About Squit's Girlfriend

(The main 5 are at Squit's house with Patrice, a 22 year-old French exchange neighbour. Squit is using his computer.)

Brain: [about the French exchange neighbour] I dunno, he seems a bit weird. He asked me if I've tried the "Sleeping Beauty?"

Wakko: Oh, it's so awesome.

Brain: What, you know it?

Wakko: Yeah, you sit on your arm 'til your hand goes dead. 10-15 minutes is normally enough. And then when you jerk off, it feels like someone else is doing it.

Brain: How do you know these things?

Pinky: Oh, everyone knows the Sleeping Beauty; that's so 1984.

Brain: Is it?

Pinky: Fuck yeah, my cousin's brother invented it. He and his bros used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.

Squit: They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh there's nothing gay about that.

Pinky: Yeah, well he's in the Air Force now, so how gay's that?

Squit: Still quite gay. (Charlotte's online on Skype) Oh, shit, Charlotte's online.

Wakko: You asked her along yet?

Squit: No. I don't know if I should.

Brain: Go on, it'll be great.

Squit: Really, do you think so?

Brain: Yeah, it's cool, just say, "Hi".

Squit: (finished typing) Done it. Oh, wow, she's come straight back. She says, "Hi, whassup". Smiley face.

Pinky: Now, ask her the fuck out!

Squit: No, can't just jump in, not the way things have been with us.

Brain: At least have to charm her a bit first.

Squit: (finished typing) I've written "Just hanging out with Brain and his French exchange". Okay, another smiley face. Can't bring myself to send a smiley back, but I could write "lol" if I absolutely had to.

Pinky: Do that. That'll be dope as hell!

Squit: "LOL! Anyway, it's my birthday. Come for dinner, please?" (silence) That pause isn't good.

Pesto: Calm down, it's only been a second, dummy!

(Another short silence)

(Charlotte's offline)

Squit: (annoyed) Oh, for Christ's sake! She's gone offline rather than answer whether or not she'll come to my birthday?!

Wakko: Maybe the connection dropped?

Squit: Nope, it was back and forward, back and forward. Then a question about dinner and she's gone.

Pinky: Look, she didn't say, "No" did she?

Squit: No. But she did hang up.

Brain: C'mon. I'm sure she'll be there.

Squit: Well, not sure, but y'know.

Anya: (came downstairs) Oh, hello, Brain.

Brain: Hey, An.

Patrice: Bonjour.

Anya: (giggled) Oh, my goodness, you're French.

Brain: This is Patrice, he's my sort of French exchange neighbour. Patrice, this is Squit's sis.

Anya: Hello. Well, I'm just gonna play tennis. Ha, don't know why I mentioned that. Bye.

Brain: See ya.

Squit: Thanks, bye!

Wakko: See ya lata.

Pinky: Peace.

Anya: Au revoir, Patrice.

Patrice: Au revoir. (She leaves the house.) Your sister is very ze sexy.

Squit: Uhhh...what?

Patrice: She has ze sex. (walks away awkwardly)

Pinky: Well, damn! He's a strange one. Fuck me, right?

Wakko: But he's French, they're sometimes weird?

Squit: Oh, god, please don't be racist.

Wakko: How's that racist, I'm just saying that he barely says anything and when he does speak it's always about sex. Just like all French people.

(Squit N/R: The next day was my birthday. Whilst I was making my final preparations, including putting on shit music girls would like, Patrice had been busy too.)

Patrice: I just had a really nice, er tug, thinking about your mother. I think some went on the floor. Sorry. (Shows Squit the liquid on his red sofa.)

Squit: (sarcastically/disgusted) Great, thanks, Patrice. (The door rang) I'll get it. It could be Charlotte. (He opens to see Pinky, Brain, Pesto and Wakko instead of Charlotte)

Pinky: Yo, bender. (Drinking Red Bull)

Squit: (looking unimpressed) Oh.

(Squit N/R: Happy birthday to me. It was 8.30pm on my 29th birthday in July 19th 2006, and my party was in full swing.)

Brain: Where's your plus one anyways, Pinky?

Pinky: Not coming. She got a modelling job, had to fly to Paris. Barmaid by day, supermodel by night.

Squit: (sarcastically) Sounds likely.

Pinky: Where's Little Miss Stuck-up Cock-tease?

Brain: Do you mean Billie?

Pinky: Uhhh...yeah. Duh.

Brain: I don't think Billie will make it.

Pesto: Why not?

Wakko: Is something up?

Brain: No, it's nothing like that. I just sort of didn't invite her in the end.

Pinky: Wow. You really are a pussy, why am I not surprised?!

Brain: Hey, at least I tried!

Squit: (slightly annoyed) So lemme get this straight, there are gonna be no women here then? None at all? I don't know why I bother.

Pinky: Well, I wouldn't say there will be no women.

Pesto: Yeah, not no women!

Squit: (confused) Wait. So there are some women coming?

Wakko: Maybe, maybe not.

(Pinky, Wakko and Pesto are smirking as their mischievous.)

Squit: (still not looking unimpressed) Look, it's very clear from your smirking faces and tone of voice that actually there are some women coming.

Pinky: We got you a special birthday treat.

Squit: Did you?

Wakko: (takes a deep breath) STRIPPER!

Squit: What?!

Wakko: Yup. (laughs)

Squit: Have you really bought a stripper?!

Pinky: Relax, she was only $5 million!

Squit: How have you paid for that?!

Wakko: We haven't yet, we'll just have a whip round when she gets here.

Brain: A whip round?! We don't have $1 million each!

Pinky: Nah, it's...oh...shit, you are absolutely right about dat, my paycheck doesn't come out till tomorrow at noon. Sorry, bruh.

Squit: (sarcastically) Great, so until a $5 million angry lap dancer turns up, we are without female company. Gee, thank you very much for my 29th birthday, I really appreciate it a lot.

Pinky: Okay fine, if ya gonna be savage about it, I will pick some girls up from outside.

Squit: (sarcastically) Oh, please! Pick me up some random girls from the street for me.

Brain: Or, we can go to Buster's party, it's happening right now.

Wakko: Yeah.

Pesto: As a matter of fact, why aren't we there in the first place? It will be much better than this shit joint.

Squit: (sarcastically) Why thank you very much for that remark right there. (grabs a bottle of wine) More wine!?

Pinky: Ohhh...I bet it reeks of ass in there.

Squit: Ohhh...and I bet it's not.

Pinky: Yes, it is.

Squit: No, it's not!

Pinky: Is!

Squit: Not!

Pinky: Is!

Squit: (getting angry) Not!

Pinky: Well, I don't see why NOT! (furious)

Wakko: Guys, please. Calm down.

Squit: Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin...

Pinky: Cock of WAT?! (laughs)

Pesto: Bruh...your fuckin' high.

Brain: You don't help yourself, do you?

Squit: Oh yeah, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually means chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice?

Patrice: Quoi?

Squit: Well, it does, and it doesn't mean cock up my ass, or cock on my head, or...

Pesto: ...you got some cock in the back of a van.

Squit: Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated birthday party. Like we did back in 1993, when we first began out acting career back at Warner Bros. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! OK, so there aren't any girls here, but why don't we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? We are in the 20s and were not teenagers anymore. I know it's a tall order, and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go, eh, fellas, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

[everyone sits in chastened silence for a while. Then...]

Wakko: How much Lego can you stuff up your ass?

Squit: Oh, for Christ's sake!

Wakko: No not now, like when you were younger, how much did you get up there?

Pinky: Your fuckin' high.

Brain: Why were sticking Lego up your rear end?

Wakko: Not much, just rectangular ones. Unless, you wanna come to my house and prove it.

Squit: (stands up) FINE! Fine! Let's go to Buster Bunny's house!

Pesto: FUCK YEAH!

Brain: (whispers to Squit) Are you sure?

Squit: Oh, please. It's the last thing I wanted to do. She's not coming, is she? And a skillful raconteur like Wakko is wasted on just us.

Pinky: Nice one. Now I get a proper three-course meal, hoe, puh and a V!

(They all leave Squit's house.)

Part 2: A Long Journey

(Squit N/R: So we headed into the night, and found Pinky's three courses sitting on a fence.)

Pinky: 'Allo, 'allo. (Points at 3 girls drinking wine on the street) Here they are.

Wakko: Nice.

Brain: I dunno. They look a bit rough. Are they drinking in the street?

Pinky: Dirty. I love it!

Squit: Not quite the sophisticates I had in mind, but at least they're female.

Pesto: I think you should go over, Pinky.

Pinky: Nah, B should.

Brain: What? Why me?

Pinky: Alphabetical. You got that bent look girls go for anyway.

Brain: Fine, if you're gonna be a douche, you go!

Pinky: Sorry for being "a douche"! Look, are ya gonna go or not!?

Pesto: Just go, B, it's freezing out here.

Squit: Come on, Brain. For me? For my birthday? Remember?!

Brain: (sigh) God, fine. (He comes up to the girls) Hi, there.

Girl 1: What ya fuckin' say!?

Brain: Uhhh...hello.

Girl 1: And what?

Brain: Uhhh...I wanted to ask you to a party?

Girl 1: I'm 13.

Brain: (in shock) Oh, sorry. I didn't know.

Girl 2: And I'm 11, you scum.

Brain: Yep, there's been a mistake, so...

Girl 1: Like looking at little girls, do ya?

Girl 2: Like getting 'em to parties where you can touch 'em, do ya?

Brain: No, God, no. Look, I'm going now.

Girl 3: Pedo!

Girl 1: You fuckin' pedo!

Girl 2: Yeah, run, you pedo.

(Patrice strokes his dick right in front of them.)

Brain: What the fuck, Patrice?!

Girl 1: Ewww! I'm gonna get my fuckin' brother on you!

Girl 3: Motherfucka!

(The others run away.)

Girl 1: That's it, run away, pedo boy!

Girl 2: Keep going, pedo! Keep walking, you fuckin' pedo!

Pinky: (sarcastically) Nice one, Brain.

Brain: Me?! It was fucking Patrice who pissed them off in the first place!

Pinky: You tried to scum them up, scumbag!

Brain: (grabs Pinky's snout with anger) I'm not in the mood for this, just warning you!

Pinky: "Ooh, watch out, Uncle Brain might give me a special bop with his stupid pencil!" Look, you're being awkward as fuck! Girls don't love dat shit!

Brain: (let's go of Pinky) Whatever!

Squit: (reads his text) Oh, fuck.

Pesto: What's for pudding, Squit?

Squit: (sarcastically) Oh, I dunno. Just a middle-aged woman demanding $5 million!

(The message from a stripper that says "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MONEY AND WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!")

Wakko: Oh, shit.

Pinky: What are we gonna do?

Brain: I think we should go.

Squit: (sigh) Yes, fine, I give up. Let's try to get in to Buster Bunny's.

Brain: What about your dinner party?

Squit: Forget it. You can lead a horse to water but can't stop it sticking Lego up its ass.

(Patrice started pissing in the street for no reason.)

Squit: Oh, for Christ's sake, Patrice, don't do that!

Wakko: God, Brain, he's a nightmare! We can't have him scare all the hoes away at the party, let's ditch him.

Brain: I'm looking after him, I can't leave him stranded in a strange country.

Pinky: Well he comes from a strange country!

Squit: Brain, for once, Pinky and Wakko are right. Patrice is weird and boring. Do you really think girls will be impressed when we turn up with that?

(Patrice is still pissing.)

Brain: Okay. Probably not.

Squit: Let's just leg it while his back is turned. It's now or never, B.

Brain: OK, fuck it!

(The others run away from Patrice.)

(Squit N/R: So we ran away. Yep, ran away. Something I hadn't done since John Cook discovered wedgies in 8th grade.)

Wakko: Crap! I've got a stitch wedgie. I need to itch!

Squit: That should be enough.

(Patrice was running from behind.)

Pinky: Fuck! He's behind us!

Wakko: No way!

Squit: Run! He's chasing us!

(Patrice is now next to them still running.)

Wakko: Holy fuck, he doesn't give up easily!

Squit: What does he think is happening?!

Pesto: I think he's caught us up.

Brain: (sarcastically) Yeah, good spot, Pesto.

Patrice: Brain, why we run?

Brain: Uhhh...I don't fuckin' know actually!

Patrice: You don't know?

Brain: Yeah.

Patrice: So we stop?

Brain: Yep, probably. Good idea.

(They stopped running.)

Brain: (sigh) Let's just go to the party.

(They are walking down the street to Buster's house.)

(Squit N/R: So after trying and failing to outrun a boy in Cuban heels, we headed for Buster Bunny's party, which we definitely wouldn't get into.)

Pesto: Who's gonna ask if we can come in, Squit?

Squit: I dunno, why are you asking me?!

Pinky: Outta the way you Kwik Shit Shitters, I'll do it myself!

(BUZZER DOOR OPENS)

Bull Gator: What?

Squit: Hello, Bull Gator. I'm Squit.

Bull Gator: Sorry. You can't come in, there's too many already.

Squit: Look, we'll be no trouble, I promise. I mean, look at us.

Bull Gator: Fine. One of you can come in.

Squit: One, five, there's hardly any difference, perhaps we could negotiate...

Bull Gator: No. (points at Patrice) Him. He can come in. (He lets him in)

Squit: Oh, right, well the thing is, Brain will have to come in, too, he's supposed to be looking after…

(Shuts the door.)

Squit: (sarcastically) Great. So we can add Patrice to the growing list of people more popular than us.

Pesto: DAT'S IT! (As he attacks Squit)

Pinky: (looking through the window) Fucking John's in there! And he's with a girl! He's got his hand on her tit!

Wakko: This is too tragic.

Brain: Holy shit.

Pinky: And Charlotte Big Jugs is in there.

Pesto: (as he finishes beating up Squit, leaving him with a black eye and bruises) Nice! (laughs)

Squit: (pushes Pesto away) Oh, c'mon!

Pinky: Time for Plan B.

Squit: (sarcastically) Oh, right, there's a Plan B, is there?! Plan A was so brilliantly devised I wouldn't have thought we'd need a Plan B! What is it?! Climb over a fuckin' fence?!

(The scene cuts to the Buster Bunny's fence near his backyard.)

Squit: I can't believe we're actually doing this!

Pinky: Don't shit yourself. It's only a fence, it won't bite.

Squit: Yes, Pinky, except I'm not worried about it biting, I'm worried about breaking my neck.

Pinky: Come on, it'll be sick, climbing and shit.

Squit: Will it tho? There must be another way.

Pinky: (looks at the backyard) Ah, it's full of puh. Give us a push, Wak.

(They all climb up the fence and jump into the backyard, except for Squit.)

Squit: Guys, c'mon, get a grip! I'm just not made for climbing, y'know? Maybe one of these panels is loose. (he saw a small gap in the fence) There's a gap here! (he gets into the backyard through the gap but struggles.)

Pinky: Jesus, did you even bother to lose weight at all? Just look ya, maybe that's why you're struggling!

Pesto: Come on, Squit. Just hurry up!

Squit: Huh? (He gets dog shit on his sleeve of his white suit) Oh, for Christ's sake!

Wakko: Why's he always gotta be different?

Pinky: Just hurry the fuck up, tubby, everyone's looking!

(Everyone was looking at them as Bull Gator came along.)

Bull Gator: The hell's going on?

Squit: Oh, hi, Bull. (he got out) As I was saying, it's quite important we look after Patrice.

Bull Gator: And you stepped on dog shit?

Squit: Yes, I have. But ask yourself why? That you've excluded us from this party because of some vague rules about popularity is ridiculous. Although it looks like we climbed a fence and crawled through dog shit, what we've done is challenged your social apartheid.

Bull Gator: You weren't invited 'coz you're not on the list.

Squit: That makes sense too, I suppose.

Buster: (he came to the backyard) The hell's going on? (saw Squit, Pinky, Brain, Pesto and Wakko) Guys! Long time so see!

Pinky: Nice to meet ya, bruh!

Buster: Welcome to my party, make yourselves at home! (looks at Bull Gator, angrily) Dude, why didn't you tell me about this?! (leaves)

Bull Gator: I dunno, they weren't on the list! (looks back at the others) God, if you're that desperate then just ask. But take that suit off before you go inside. (leaves)

Squit: Sweet, nice one!

Brain: He's right about the suit tho, it stinks.

Wakko: Oh, bruh, that is rank. It's all up your sleeve, look.

(Squit takes off his suit which it leads to the others laughing at his black vest he was wearing underneath.)

Wakko: Oh, Christ! (laughs)

Pinky: What the fuck is that?! (laughs)

(Pesto laughs hysterically)

Brain: Oh, my God. (holds in the laugher)

Squit: (annoyed) It was a present from my mom, okay!

Brain: And you've worn it?

Pinky: She been getting gift ideas from Pesto's old man?

Pesto: My dad's not bent!

Wakko: Honestly, that's not a good look.

Squit: Well, we've just gatecrashed a party that Big John was invited to, so none of us are winning the cool prize.

Wakko: But you are losing by a mile.

Squit: Hmph. Not for long. I'm gonna find Charlotte.

Pesto: Upstairs getting fucked, most likely.

Squit: Pesto, I've told you she's not like that! (pause) I'll check upstairs first.

(They went inside the house.)

(Squit N/R: The best thing about your birthday is everyone has to do exactly what you want.)

The Final Part: Worst Birthday Ever!

(Squit N/R: With this in mind, I went to find Charlotte.)

Plucky: (mocking Squit) Nice shirt! (laughs)

Max: (mocking Squit) Yeah, good look, briefcase.

Skippy: (mocking Squit) Someone's stolen your sleeves, boy!

Squit: (embarrassed) Yep, nice one.

Little Beeper: (mocking Squit) Where's the rest of N'Sync?

Squit: Retro, but a good one.

(Meanwhile, Pinky and Brain fight about who's using the bathroom first.)

Pinky: C'mon! Let me go first, you know I'm desperate.

Brain: Ha-ha! Unlucky. (shuts the door)

Pinky: Don't be an ass! Seriously, c'mon, bro, I'm bursting!

(Billie came along.)

Billie: Oh, hi, Pinky, are you waiting?

Pinky: Yeah! I might piss my pants any minute now.

Billie: Oh.

Pinky: Won't be too long tho!

Billie: Oh, right. I didn't know you were friends with Buster.

Pinky: Oh, no! We climbed over a fence.

(Billie looking confused)

Brain: (comes out of the bathroom as Pinky went in) Billie, hi.

Billie: Hi, Brain, how are you?

Brain: Good, you?

Billie: Yeah, pretty awesome.

Pinky: (comes out of the bathroom) Jesus Christ, Brain, what the fuck have you done in there?!

Brain: (confused) Uhhh...

Pinky: Have you been eating cat food again?! Oh, God, you've left skid marks down the bowl too! Nasty-ass!

Brain: (embarrassed) Uhhh...Billie, I didn't. I only went in for a piss.

Pinky: Oh, God, I can taste it.

Brain: (angrily) PINKY!

Billie: (disgusted) Okay, I might go upstairs now. (goes upstairs)

Brain: No, don't. I was only peeing. It was only a pee! I promise I didn't leave skid marks! (looks at Pinky, angrily) You fuckin' asshat! Why did you do that?!

Pinky: Your welcome. (Slams the door)

(Squit N/R: OK, so things weren't going exactly to plan. But if I could just find Charlotte, I was confident it would still be a birthday to remember.)

Squit: (he opens the door to see Charlotte in the bedroom) Oh, hi, Charlotte, there you are.

Charlotte: (shocked) Squit!

(Squit N/R: And I was right.)

Squit: (concerned, seeing Charlotte having sex with somebody) Uhhh...the hell's going on?!

Charlotte: Uhhh...please go away!

Squit: Time out, fella! You're not alone now. (he looks under the covers to see who it is, he noticed that it was Patrice) Oh, Patrice Salut.

Patrice: Salut.

Squit: (shocked) Wait. Are you two...?

Charlotte: (slightly annoyed) Seriously, what are you doing?

Squit: I thought we could do it together, y'know.

Charlotte: Squit, I don't know why you're doing this. And what are you wearing?

Squit: I've got a bottle of champagne at home, and I remembered when we first met we had champagne, as it's my birthday I thought maybe...I'm sorry, is he touching you right now?! (saw Patrice touching Charlotte)

Charlotte: Look, maybe we'll have a drink later.

Squit: (slightly upset) Yeah, later, of course. (he was about to leave)

Charlotte: Oh, Squit? Could you turn the light off?

Patrice: No, leave on.

Charlotte: OK. See ya, Squit.

Squit: See ya. (shuts the door)

(Squit N/R: Great. And I'd rather hoped the singlet was the worst birthday surprise. Meanwhile, my friends were making the most of finally gettin' into a cool party, by standing in a corridor, not talking to anyone, doing jack-shit.)

(Squit goes downstairs to see the others.)

Brain: Did you find Charlotte?

Squit: (upset) Um, yeah. Yeah, I did. Upstairs being fucked by Patrice!

Pesto: HA! Knew it.

Wakko: Ooh, unlucky!

Squit: Can you make him stop, please, Brain? As a birthday present?

Brain: Sorry, but no means no. That's just too weird.

Squit: Yeah, you're probably right. Let's just go home.

(Squit bumps into Newt.)

Squit: Oh, hi, Newt, I'm just going but if you were looking for Charlotte, I think she's upstairs.

Newt: (angrily) Fuck off, you prick!

Squit: (nervous) Thanks. Have a fun night!

(They all leave the party and walked down the street at night.)

(Squit N/R: So, ironically, it was Newt who gave me the best gift this year, a savagely beaten French perverted sicko.)

Brain: Holy shit! What if Newt kills him?

Squit: (annoyed) Good!

Brain: His parents will go satan on Newt's ass tho if Patrice is injured!

Pesto: (laughs evilly) Nice!

Pinky: Well, fuck 'em anyway, you'll never see him again, so what!

Brain: I meant to drop him off back at Paris and I...

Squit: (getting angry) I'm sorry, do you wanna go to France?

Brain: What? No!

Squit: Well then shut the fuck up! What about me, huh?! It's my birthday and I saw Patrice trying to mount Charlotte! The fucking baguette-eating dickhead frog!

Brain: Jesus Christ, dude. That's a bit racist.

Squit: Well he made me racist! He was racist back when he said he hates Irish-Americans, I mean c'mon, what did we do to you!?

Wakko: Did you get to see her boobies tho?

Squit: No, Wakko!

Wakko: (in disbelief) Ahhh...y'suck. Why am I not surprised?

Squit: Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on?! What'll happen next year?!

Pinky: You get AIDS and die at the age of 30?

Squit: I'd have to have sex for that to happen.

Wakko: Or fuck a monkey?

Squit: Technically, that still counts as sex.

Brain: Or drink from the same cup as Pesto's dad.

Pesto: Fuck you, my dad does not have AIDS!

Pinky: Son, your dad is so AIDS, he's the one who gave it to your siblings!

Pesto: (furious) You take that back!

Pinky: That's what your siblings said to 'em. NARF!

Wakko: C'mon, bro, let's get back to yours. I'll let you beat me at Pro Evo.

Squit: Thanks, I just hope this night couldn't get worse than this.

Girl 1: (from the distance) That's them!

Newt: (from the distance, furious) What did ya say to my fuckin' sister, you fuckin scum!?

Girl 2: (from the distance) Fucking pedos!

(Newt and the girls started chasing them.)

Squit: RUN!

Pinky: Again?

Brain: Oh, shit!

(They started running as Newt and the 3 girls are still chasing them.)

Wakko: Split up, he can't get us all!

Pinky: He's got a fucking cricket bat! See ya around, bitches! (hides behind the car)

Brain: (pushing Pesto away) Pesto, go away!

Pesto: (pushes Brain back) Ayy, coo off!

Squit: This is the tin hat. Worst birthday ever!

(Squit N/R: So my birthday, or dog shit (Bull Gator: And you stepped on dog shit?), singlet, heartbreak day, as I've come to think of it, was over. It's fair to say it hadn't been the best. But I had learnt one important life lesson. If you go around to Wakko's, don't play with his Lego. EVER! (Wakko: How much Lego can you stuff up your ass?/Squit: Oh, for Christ's sake!)

THE END!

I hope you enjoyed the 6th episode of The Outsiders. Thx. See ya lata! Peace! ;)

#animaniacs #theoutsiders #goodfeathers

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