The Year is 841 Of The Regis Weekend Calendar, (700 Regis Ass Weekend Calendar). Imperial Regis Weekend Space Cruisers are closing in on a RAW Rebel Ship that is headed towards a derelict satellite on the Planet REGIS. Nearly 1000 years has passed since the first Regis Weekend, when forces loyal to Regis launched a surprise attack against the United States government in all directions from their home base at the DoubleTree in Newark. New Jersey was the first to fall to Regis Weekend radicals, then following that, Regis's home borough of The Bronx, which was promptly turned into a holy site. In the year 50 B.R.W., the United States Government signed peace terms amounting to an unconditional surrender. All national iconography on currency, landmarks, and in government buildings were modified to be depictions of Regis in exchange for amnesty for former Government leaders. In a lavish ceremony at the National Mall, the Chairman of the Board of Regis was crowned Emperor of Regis II of Regis Weekend, and took a daughter of Regis to be his bride, thus establishing a chain of succession and enshrining his legitimacy in the new Empire. A series of quick but brutal wars followed as the remaining world governments either came to terms with the Regis Weekend Empire, or were annexed directly. Soon enough, the Flag of Regis Weekend flew in every world capitol, Earth's name was officially changed to "REGIS" and traditional greetings such as "Hello" and "Mahalo" were superseded by the Regis Weekend Motto: Honora Hominem (Honor The Man).
In the summer of 0 RW, Regis Weekend scientists finally perfected the Jeep Drive. A device that warps the gravitational field allowing for interstellar travel all in the comfort and style that the Jeep brand was known for. Emperor Regis III, having inherited his father's global empire, issued a decree declaring that Regis Philbin would be honored "Across The Universe, in every star system, every habitable planet, even the non-habitable planets, why not? That's showbiz baby!" And so it was. The Light of Regis Weekend spread throughout the known universe. Those Regis Weekend colonies, however, had little in the way of autonomy. Although they were full citizens of the Regis Weekend Empire, their diets, land vehicles, and methods of worship were all dictated from the Planet Regis. In the year 41 RW, Colonial Weekenders elected their own representatives to petition the Board of Regents. Their demands were simple: Allow for Regis Weekend Extensions to be more raucous. To translate Regis Weekend extensions into other languages, and allow for extensions greater than 24 hours in instances where the planetary night/day cycles were longer than on the home planet of Regis. Emperor Regis III was incensed by these demands, which he viewed as a challenge to his authority. It would seem as though Regis III, while he had the look and cadence of his grandfather Regis Philbin, lacked his compassion, understanding, and foresight that had inspired Regis Weekend in the first place. He ordered the petitioners to be seized and imprisoned on the Lunar DoubleTree, and ordered a dozen squadrons from the Regis Weekend Ministry of Public Consciousness to forcibly occupy the unruly colonies and snuff out any remaining opposition.
The next 100 years were ones of intense repression. Regis Weekend extensions remained in English (Lingua de Regis) and all public spaces were closely surveilled. Any citizen of Regis who failed to REACT to an extension was either deported to the Punishment Portal on Planet of RIPA VI, or summarily executed (easier). These authoritarian measures did nothing to quell the ongoing rebellions among the indigenous population. Instead the Colonial Weekenders built their own culture around the lost art of Regis Ass Weekend (or RAW) and began to circulate their own extensions among themselves. Emperor Regis IV, who again, looked and sounded like Regis but was exceptionally cold and cruel, banned RAW Worship throughout the Empire, viewing it as an existential threat to his stewardship of Regis Weekend. Having outsourced their repression to the Ministry of Public Consciousness, Regis IV and the nobility of Regi who supported believed their position to be secure. Regis Weekend, they thought, would surely be extended.
In the year 141 RW, a slave rebellion broke out on the Planet RIPA VI. Using techniques mastered from Regis's home workout series, the RAW prisoners overpowered their jailors, took control of the facility, and promptly hosted a daytime talk-show where they broadcasted their Regis Weekend hostages to the entire galaxy. This would serve as the first Regis Ass Weekend and mark the establishment of Year 0 in the Regis Ass Weekend calendar. As word spread across the galaxy, discontents from other Regis Weekend colonies Jeeped RIPA VI, whose formidable planetary defenses now worked against the Regis Weekend Empire. As more followers of RAW gathered, the new nation assumed that an invasion would be imminent, but strangely, an invasion never came.
The mass immigration from the Colonies had had a massive impact on the economy of the Planet Regis. Clam and Fruit cup prices reached hyperinflation levels, and Emperor Regis IV was served with discontent and rebellion on his formerly peaceful home planet. The Nobility of the Regi pled with the Cruel Emperor to come to terms with the RAW Rebels, and integrate RIPA VI back into the Empire. At his palace Newark, Emperor Regis is reported to have said, "Gee y'know fellas, I gotta feeling that you all are somehow involved with whole the rebel conspiracy thing, so as much as I hate ta do this, I'm going to have to have you tortured and imprisoned"
THUS kicked off a bloody Civil War that would last for the rest of Regis IV reign. While the Throne and the Nobility battled incessantly on Planet Regis, the RAW Inhabitants of RIPA VI turned towards nation building. The original RAW priests designed a system of government modeled off of the original Council of Regis, wherein the title of Supreme RAW Regis would be anointed not on the basis of hereditary lineage from Regis Philbin, but rather by electing a citizen who had an extraordinary level of affability, showmanship, and zip and zazzle that was characteristic of the original Regis. While the forces of Regis Weekend were at war with one another, the RAW Rebels were able to peacefully integrate outer colonies, and soon became an empire in their own right.
The Regis Weekend Civil War was finally ended in the year 203 RW, Emperor Regis V's ascent to the throne. Having made concessions to the Nobility of Regi in order to establish a lasting peace, Regis V the assembled the largest Space Armada in Regis Weekend history, vowing to destroy Regis Ass Weekend completely in a surprise attack. The RAW Army, however, had foreknowledge of this attack, having received word from a disaffected Regis Weekend noble who was resentful of the Regis Weekend Empire after he was denied a promotion in the Regis Weekend Civil Service. The Regis Weekend Armada was intercepted by the RAW Space Navy in the Clam Nebula. Commanding Regis Weekend Rear Admiral Regis Francis (a nephew of Emperor Regis IV who had received his post through nepotism) refused to adjust his battle tactics and promptly lost 90% of his attacking force with an estimated 100,000,000 casualties. Jubilant in their success, the Forces of RAW sought to seize their momentum and regain control of their ancestral home of REGIS from the Regis Weekend Empire.
Unfortunately, their victory in the Battle of The Clam was short lived, for when they arrived on Planet Regis they were repeatedly bombarded by a brand new weapon newly created by the Empire. Under the order of Emperor Regis V, Regis Weekend Scientists were able to modify the Jeep Drive by switching the gears from Drive to Reverse, creating a strong gravitational field that disoriented and then nearly annihilated the RAW. Planet Regis was safe, and hopes for a swift and painless war were abandoned.
Low-level conflict would continue throughout the Galaxy for the next several centuries, with notable battles in the Kathy Lee II Star System, The Battle of the Vierra Star System, and several battles on planets that were Volcano, Ice, and Ocean themed. It was during this period, in the year 680 Regis Ass Weekend Year that our Hero was born. A talented pilot of unknown parentage, this spunky individual born in the ghetto of Space Bronx on RIPA IV, our Hero (who would later attain the title of Supreme Regis, but that's a tale for another day). With encouragement from his elderly mentor (who was a former Regis Weekend General who had defected to Regis Ass Weekend during the brutal reign of Emperor Regis IX, this was something that he had kept secret from his mentee due to his shame for having committed war crimes) our hero joined the RAW Fleet, and was in fact author of the daring plan to infiltrate the orbit of the Planet Regis. Before leaving on his fateful mission, his elderly mentor gave him a necklace of a Nude Thanos. "This belonged to your father," his mentor explained, "and he would want him to have it." Our hero then asked his elderly mentor if he had known his father and the elderly mentor demurred. "Hey if this is for good luck," our hero said, "I'm sure I'm gonna need it because wowie! Those Imperial Regis Weekend forces don't mess around I tell ya."
The Plan was as daring as it was simple. At the heart of the conflict between the forces of Regis Weekend and Regis Ass Weekend was a theological divide. Centuries had passed and no one could prove whether not it was Regis Weekend or Regis Ass Weekend that had been extended for 24 hours from October 26th 2023, to October 27th, 2023. "If we can access an old data satellite", our young hero explained to a cadre of older and more senior RAW generals, who on some level resented his rise through the military ranks despite his prodigious talent, "then we can beam the Regis Ass Weekend Extension to the entire galaxy so they rise up against the Empire!"
Upon arriving in orbit of the planet REGIS, our hero kissed his nude Thanos necklace given to him by his elderly mentor and prayed to Regis. Whether by skill, luck, or divine intervention by Regis Philbin himself, the RAW ship was able to pass by the Imperial Cruisers unnoticed. Upon entering the ship the hero noticed, surprisingly, that the vid-console was still in working order. Using the password given to him by his elderly mentor ("REGISPW1!"), the vid-console powered up with a prerecorded voice message from the original Regis.
"Hey folks, this is Regis Philbin here coming to you live from the grave. I'm happy to inform you that Regis ASS Weekend has been extended for the next 24 hours! From October 26th-27th. Isn't that something? I tell ya."
That message turned out to be the final nail in the coffin of Regis Weekend Empire. Though the stories of our Hero would continue to echo throughout the Galaxy, one thing was clear, Regis Ass Weekend had finally been extended.
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Last night I got high and wrote a program to find all of the unused elemental symbols. It turns out there’s 585 of them and it’s much less interesting the next day.
One interesting finding: I couldn’t be bothered to generate all possible one and two letter strings, so I asked ChatGPT to write me code that would do all that for me. It worked surprisingly well!
['a', 'd', 'e', 'g', 'h', 'j', 'l', 'm', 'q', 'r', 't', 'x', 'z', 'aa', 'ab', 'ad', 'ae', 'af', 'ah', 'ai', 'aj', 'ak', 'an', 'ao', 'ap', 'aq', 'av', 'aw', 'ax', 'ay', 'az', 'bb', 'bc', 'bd', 'bf', 'bg', 'bj', 'bl', 'bm', 'bn', 'bo', 'bp', 'bq', 'bs', 'bt', 'bu', 'bv', 'bw', 'bx', 'by', 'bz', 'cb', 'cc', 'cg', 'ch', 'ci', 'cj', 'ck', 'cp', 'cq', 'ct', 'cv', 'cw', 'cx', 'cy', 'cz', 'da', 'dc', 'dd', 'de', 'df', 'dg', 'dh', 'di', 'dj', 'dk', 'dl', 'dm', 'dn', 'do', 'dp', 'dq', 'dr', 'dt', 'du', 'dv', 'dw', 'dx', 'dz', 'ea', 'eb', 'ec', 'ed', 'ee', 'ef', 'eg', 'eh', 'ei', 'ej', 'ek', 'el', 'em', 'en', 'eo', 'ep', 'eq', 'et', 'ev', 'ew', 'ex', 'ey', 'ez', 'fa', 'fb', 'fc', 'fd', 'ff', 'fg', 'fh', 'fi', 'fj', 'fk', 'fn', 'fo', 'fp', 'fq', 'fs', 'ft', 'fu', 'fv', 'fw', 'fx', 'fy', 'fz', 'gb', 'gc', 'gf', 'gg', 'gh', 'gi', 'gj', 'gk', 'gl', 'gm', 'gn', 'go', 'gp', 'gq', 'gr', 'gs', 'gt', 'gu', 'gv', 'gw', 'gx', 'gy', 'gz', 'ha', 'hb', 'hc', 'hd', 'hh', 'hi', 'hj', 'hk', 'hl', 'hm', 'hn', 'hp', 'hq', 'hr', 'ht', 'hu', 'hv', 'hw', 'hx', 'hy', 'hz', 'ia', 'ib', 'ic', 'id', 'ie', 'if', 'ig', 'ih', 'ii', 'ij', 'ik', 'il', 'im', 'io', 'ip', 'iq', 'is', 'it', 'iu', 'iv', 'iw', 'ix', 'iy', 'iz', 'ja', 'jb', 'jc', 'jd', 'je', 'jf', 'jg', 'jh', 'ji', 'jj', 'jk', 'jl', 'jm', 'jn', 'jo', 'jp', 'jq', 'jr', 'js', 'jt', 'ju', 'jv', 'jw', 'jx', 'jy', 'jz', 'ka', 'kb', 'kc', 'kd', 'ke', 'kf', 'kg', 'kh', 'ki', 'kj', 'kk', 'kl', 'km', 'kn', 'ko', 'kp', 'kq', 'ks', 'kt', 'ku', 'kv', 'kw', 'kx', 'ky', 'kz', 'lb', 'lc', 'ld', 'le', 'lf', 'lg', 'lh', 'lj', 'lk', 'll', 'lm', 'ln', 'lo', 'lp', 'lq', 'ls', 'lt', 'lw', 'lx', 'ly', 'lz', 'ma', 'mb', 'me', 'mf', 'mh', 'mi', 'mj', 'mk', 'ml', 'mm', 'mp', 'mq', 'mr', 'ms', 'mu', 'mv', 'mw', 'mx', 'my', 'mz', 'nc', 'nf', 'ng', 'nj', 'nk', 'nl', 'nm', 'nn', 'nq', 'nr', 'ns', 'nt', 'nu', 'nv', 'nw', 'nx', 'ny', 'nz', 'oa', 'ob', 'oc', 'od', 'oe', 'of', 'oh', 'oi', 'oj', 'ok', 'ol', 'om', 'on', 'oo', 'op', 'oq', 'or', 'ot', 'ou', 'ov', 'ow', 'ox', 'oy', 'oz', 'pc', 'pe', 'pf', 'pg', 'ph', 'pi', 'pj', 'pk', 'pl', 'pn', 'pp', 'pq', 'ps', 'pv', 'pw', 'px', 'py', 'pz', 'qa', 'qb', 'qc', 'qd', 'qe', 'qf', 'qg', 'qh', 'qi', 'qj', 'qk', 'ql', 'qm', 'qn', 'qo', 'qp', 'qq', 'qr', 'qs', 'qt', 'qu', 'qv', 'qw', 'qx', 'qy', 'qz', 'rc', 'rd', 'ri', 'rj', 'rk', 'rl', 'rm', 'ro', 'rp', 'rq', 'rr', 'rs', 'rt', 'rv', 'rw', 'rx', 'ry', 'rz', 'sa', 'sd', 'sf', 'sh', 'sj', 'sk', 'sl', 'so', 'sp', 'sq', 'ss', 'st', 'su', 'sv', 'sw', 'sx', 'sy', 'sz', 'td', 'tf', 'tg', 'tj', 'tk', 'tn', 'to', 'tp', 'tq', 'tr', 'tt', 'tu', 'tv', 'tw', 'tx', 'ty', 'tz', 'ua', 'ub', 'uc', 'ud', 'ue', 'uf', 'ug', 'uh', 'ui', 'uj', 'uk', 'ul', 'um', 'un', 'uo', 'up', 'uq', 'ur', 'us', 'ut', 'uu', 'uv', 'uw', 'ux', 'uy', 'uz', 'va', 'vb', 'vc', 'vd', 've', 'vf', 'vg', 'vh', 'vi', 'vj', 'vk', 'vl', 'vm', 'vn', 'vo', 'vp', 'vq', 'vr', 'vs', 'vt', 'vu', 'vv', 'vw', 'vx', 'vy', 'vz', 'wa', 'wb', 'wc', 'wd', 'we', 'wf', 'wg', 'wh', 'wi', 'wj', 'wk', 'wl', 'wm', 'wn', 'wo', 'wp', 'wq', 'wr', 'ws', 'wt', 'wu', 'wv', 'ww', 'wx', 'wy', 'wz', 'xa', 'xb', 'xc', 'xd', 'xf', 'xg', 'xh', 'xi', 'xj', 'xk', 'xl', 'xm', 'xn', 'xo', 'xp', 'xq', 'xr', 'xs', 'xt', 'xu', 'xv', 'xw', 'xx', 'xy', 'xz', 'ya', 'yc', 'yd', 'ye', 'yf', 'yg', 'yh', 'yi', 'yj', 'yk', 'yl', 'ym', 'yn', 'yo', 'yp', 'yq', 'yr', 'ys', 'yt', 'yu', 'yv', 'yw', 'yx', 'yy', 'yz', 'za', 'zb', 'zc', 'zd', 'ze', 'zf', 'zg', 'zh', 'zi', 'zj', 'zk', 'zl', 'zm', 'zo', 'zp', 'zq', 'zs', 'zt', 'zu', 'zv', 'zw', 'zx', 'zy', 'zz']
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