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dennou-translations · 2 years

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The Starry Night and the Lonely Two

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――Erase the loneliness from this world, even if just for an instant.

Letters brought happiness to those who received them.

The fact that the other person had chosen those words for them. The time spent carefully selecting the stationery and envelopes. Even the moment of going to the post office to send the mail was endearing. Letters were already special just for existing.

These special somethings were delivered nearly every day to “our” home.

Envelopes with wax seals bearing the venerable crest of a royal clan. Delicate and beautiful stationery most likely chosen with the person’s character in mind. Even letters penned by children who had apparently just learned how to write.

“This one was sent by Lady Charlotte from Fluegel. I once ghostwrote love letters on her behalf...”

“I’ve heard about it. If I’m not mistaken, wasn’t she from a royal family?”

“Yes, she has now become a queen.”

“You have an incredible circle of acquaintances.”

Most of them were letters addressed to her, who lived with me.

“This one is yet another new volume by Mr. Oscar, the novelist, along with a letter.”

“That one makes me happy. I like his books too.”

“It seems his work has been turned into a stage play, so there are theater tickets inside. One is for you, Major.”

“I’m so grateful. Shall we go watch it?”

“The thank-you letter to him will have our joint signature.”

The age range of the senders was broad and they were probably divided almost equally in gender.

“Ms. Taylor’s handwriting... is better than before.”

“True. She also wrote the street name properly. Wasn’t there someone else named Bartlett among your pen pals...? No, was it ‘York’?”

“Yes. We make sure to exchange letters during the change of seasons.”

Perhaps it was more unusual for us to have days when there were no letters in the mailbox. This was proof that she had been sharing wonderful times with people in the life she treaded. I was sometimes envious of that, but for the most part, I felt proud. It gave me the actual feeling that my significant other was loved by many people.

“Major, I will be going to my room to write reply letters.”

“Aah, take your time.”

That was basically what I thought.

However, I found myself curious about the people she frequently exchanged letters with and, sometimes, when I saw her – someone whose facial expressions rarely changed – happily receiving the mail, I would end up wondering what her relationship with the other person was. I made sure not to bother her whenever she was writing letters, so I would also sometimes silently stare at the closed door, praying for her to finish it quickly.

In short, I was a little bit jealous of her letters.

There were twists and turns between us until we reunited and it had taken us a quite a while to live under the same roof like this. The time we spent not knowing what the other was doing had been long.

And one of the reasons for said twists and turns was that I had stayed away from her because I loved her so much, so I couldn’t just talk to her about the relationships that I had cultivated during my absence. I wasn’t that shameless.

Therefore, I also didn’t say anything when a letter from a young explorer arrived at the end of a certain summer.

“This one was sent by Master Leon Stephanotis from Iustitia.”

Having come from the place where the famous Shahar Astrological Observatory was located, the letter was apparently from one of her former clients. It seemed she had become able to name the stars when looking at the sky due to his influence.

“He writes about his adventures during his travels and stories involving stars. He was once based at the Shahar Observatory, but he is currently journeying around the world and excavating literary works.”

“That’s amazing. What kind of person is he?”

“A gentle one.”

That was a rare word for her to use.

“‘Gentle’...”

“He would ask me if I was cold when we were looking up and the night sky. That kind of person.”

Surely, the two of them had had a wonderful time together. She cherished that memory. She didn’t often call anything “fun”, so there was no mistaking that this had been a particularly “fun” time in her life.

“I see; he’s a wonderful person, huh.”

“Yes, he gave me deep lessons about stars. Iustitia is a wonderful place as well, Major, so I would like to take you there one day. Do you have any interest in observing the stars of the night sky...?”

“I do know the names of some stars. That being said, though, I only know the really famous ones.”

When I said this, she slowly broke into a smile. “So Major, the stars pique your interest as well, right?” she said, bringing the letter to her chest as if to hug it.

“You like the stars?”

“Yes. Because the sky goes on.”

“Aah, that’s right.” I felt that the conversation was a little cross-purpose, but for the time being, I just nodded.

――Speaking of which, she often tells me the names of the stars when we walk around the streets at night.

Once again, I had learned about one more thing she liked. My beloved was fond of the stars.

“So I have a field of interest in common with you, Major. What an honor.”

Seeing her smiling immediately extinguished the tiny flame of jealousy in me. She was pleased. That was a good thing.

“It’s an honor for me too. By the way, you report to me whenever a letter arrives... If there’s anything that you want to keep secret, you can.”

“Major, there is nothing that I want to keep a secret from you.”

“Is that so?”

It was as if I made her say that. But she wasn’t one to lie, so it was most certainly the truth. While savoring that happiness, as if I were saying it to myself, I decided that I, too, should be honest with her.

“I report back to you... because I hoped to share with you at least a little bit... of everything I have seen and felt, as well as all my memories with the people I have met.”

I was genuinely surprised to hear those words. After all, I had been completely convinced that her reporting any and everything was a remnant of her time in the military.

――So she was trying to share her memories with me?

“The places you’ve been to, the people you’ve met, what you’ve felt, the stories you’ve witnessed... I also have interest in those things. Thank you; you’ve been trying to tell me about them, right?”

She nodded in agreement. The way she bobbed her head like a child was the same as in the past.

However, in the past, her trying to convey her feelings and experiences to someone else was something unthinkable. She used to the kind of girl who would stay silent the whole time if left alone, so she would not say anything if she was hungry, and if she injured herself, she would not even say that it hurt.

She was just nothing but a machine-like girl soldier who handled the matters in front of her.

“Was it not unpleasant to you...?” No longer that girl soldier, she looked my way as if testing the waters a little.

My hand reached out automatically.

“No way, I’m so happy... I see; so that’s what you felt when telling me those things...” I caressed her head, and just like that, I smoothly entwined her hair around my fingers. Her beautiful hair was like waves of gold.

“I was... Did I do... something bad?”

Perhaps I was treating her too much like a child, stroking the head of someone who had become such a praiseworthy young woman, but I found myself doing it accidentally. I hadn’t been able to do it much back when she was a wounded wild beast.

The two of us were already adults, but maybe we were attempting to fill up the gaping, open holes in our hearts with something. And we wished for the other to forgive this action.

“It’s nothing bad; not at all.”

Earning forgiveness made us feel relieved. “It’s still okay for me to live by this person’s side,” we would think. It might be an exaggeration, but receiving a positive feedback from a loved one could have that much of an effect.

“I’ll be happy if you keep doing that from now on too. I’ll do the same as well. That’s right... didn’t you have stationery and envelopes with stars drawn on them?”

“I do.”

“How about you write the reply on that? If he’s from Shahar, he would be pleased with it, right?”

Her golden eyelashes swayed, blue eyes shining. “What a great idea. He will surely be pleased. Thank you very much, Major.”

“Not at all. Thank you, too, for sharing these wonderful letters with me.”

In that moment, her innocent feelings purified my jealousy. Such unsightly jealousy was something that had never happened to me.

I managed to end the matter without showing any ounce of sign that I was envious of the adventurer. However, my anguish didn’t end there. I would find her rereading the letter from Mr. Leon Stephanotis countless times after that.

I didn’t think anything of it in particular on the first time. I concluded she was thinking about how to reply to it or something like that.

On the second time, I was impressed, assuming that its contents must be exceptionally good.

On the third time, as expected, I inquired, “Staring at that letter again?”

Perhaps because I had asked with an expression mixed with complicated feelings, after briefly making a thinkative-looking face, she answered with an attitude that denounced she had chosen her words meticulously, “Yes, I want to read it enough to memorize it.”

And threw me deeper into a whirlpool of confusion.

“‘Enough to memorize it’?”

“Yes, enough to memorize it.”

Was there such a way of reading a letter?

――I’ve also read the letters I got from her after we reunited so often that I memorized them.

So did that mean she had these same feelings and passion towards the letter from Mr. Leon Stephanotis?

What was written in there? As expected, even I would be curious about that.

If I wasn’t mistaken, she had said it was about his adventures and the stars. Was it accompanied by an awe-inspiring poem or something of the sort? But her face when she was reading it wasn’t the face of someone whose heart had been touched by art. How should I put it? She’d make a face like she was studying academics.

Unable to make sense of it, I spent a few days with her enraptured by the letter.

“Major, requesting permission to go outside late at night today. May I go observe a comet?”

The clarification for the mystery came surprisingly fast. After all, my darling asked me this question right after I woke up in the morning, carrying a luggage that made her look like she was going to do mountain climbing. At first, I thought she was going to take part in a military march or something.

“‘Comet’?”

As I had just woken up, my head wasn’t working well. This was also because I had seen her reading Mr. Leon Stephanotis’s letter right before going to bed, so I hadn’t been able to sleep.

Why was she doing that even before falling asleep? And why bring it to our bedroom?

“Yes, Master Leon predicted that I should be able to see it if the sky happened to be clear today. He wrote in detail about what kind of hill I should look for and what I need to take with me... in case I go out to observe the comet,” she informed in a slightly excited manner, unaware of my feelings. Her voice was stronger than usual.

Silence.

“May I go?” There was no need to request my consent, yet she asked the same thing once more.

I was finally digesting the course of events.

“So you were... making plans to view a comet...?”

She had been studying. Learning the teachings of someone whom she revered as a mentor regarding the stars.

“Yes. Fortunately, the weather appears to be clear today. If it continues like this until nighttime, it will be possible to see the comet through naked eye. I have prepared myself for it.”

That was probably what the heavy-looking baggage in her hands was for.

Embarrassed of myself, I covered my face with my hands.

“Major?”

“Of course, you’re free to do as you please...”

“Thank you very much, Major.” Her voice was lively.

She had been making preparations all this time until today because she wanted to see the stars. She was a pure-hearted person. What a fool I was.

That would mean I had been jealous because of an utterly wrong assumption.

“You’ll be doing it at night, right? Leave those bags on the floor for now...”

“Yes, Major.”

I apologized to Mr. Leon Stephanotis countless times in my head. His relationship with her was sound, and I was the one in the wrong for my unjust suspicions. If any letters from him happened to come again in the future, I would send him a fine wine together with the reply.

“Major, your face looks reddish. Is something the matter?”

“No, it’s nothing...”

“My goodness. You have a fever...”

――That’s not it, my sweetheart.

“I’m okay. More importantly, we don’t have a telescope. Shall we go to the city to buy one?” She hadn’t yet checked the temperature of my head, but I made sure to look directly at her. I whispered this in intervals after peeling her hand off my face. I wanted to help her have fun, even if just a little.

“No, telescopes are expensive.” She shook her head.

“Comets aren’t something we see often, are they?”

“This comet is named Comet Fin, and apparently, it can be viewed every twelve years.”

“Twelve years, huh...”

――If she and I manage to stay healthy and not get any diseases until then...

They would be able to see it again. But this was up to fate, so one could not be too sure.

“As I thought, let’s buy a telescope. If you’d like, may I accompany you on that adventure of yours?”

She didn’t immediately shake her head at the suggestion.

“It is extremely flattering, Major, that you would give me your precious time... so if it happens to pique your interest, by all means, please come along.”

It seemed she had wanted to go with me.

“There’s no time more precious to me than the time I spend with you. I have to pack my own bags too...”

“Actually... I have prepared baggage for two.”

“Is that so? That’s a great help.”

Silence.

“What’s wrong?”

“From the very beginning... I had high expectations that you would join me.” She looked down. Her cheeks were usually rosy against her white skin, but now they were dyed vermillion. “That is fine because you readily agreed...”

She was acting uncharacteristically shy.

“I am embarrassed at myself for jumping to conclusions, although it is too late for that.”

“It’s not embarrassing.”

“No, it was foolish of me. And I regret basking in your kindness.”

“You don’t have to. I’m happy. Besides, you were looking forward to viewing this comet, right?”

“Yes. In the past, I was taught about comets by Master Leon and saw one for the first time. If I were able to see a comet again in my lifetime, I wanted to, at all costs.”

“I see; I’m looking forward to it. It makes me happy that you wanted to see a comet with me.” I smiled at her.

This time, she was the one who covered her face with her hands. Her prosthetics squeaked.

I caressed her head and waited for her blush to subside.

Eventually, she lowered her hands and spoke resolutely, “Now that it’s come to this, Major, I shall be your escort so that you will most certainly enjoy yourself.”

“Escorting at night is my duty,” I whispered as if to lecture her.

In the end, while it was still daytime, we purchased a telescope covered in dust, sleeping at the back of a general store in the city, and readied ourselves for the night. As if listening to her wish, the day went by with the sky still clear, and in due course, the amber of it turned into nightfall.

The two of us went out together at the time when we usually would be getting ready to sleep. With the sky like that, it would be possible to view the comet even from our home, but apparently, Mr. Stephanotis wrote in the letter that it was best to do it in a place with no roof, so we headed to a small hill nearby.

Come to think of it, we might have never had this kind of nighttime fun together. Unbecoming of my age, I was elated.

We were now going to observe a comet. That was all there was to it, yet I was so excited, as if I had gone back to being a boy. I had the feeling that she was in high spirits too.

“Major, I can hold the bags.”

“Nope, I want to hold them myself.”

“But I am not holding anything.”

I walked on, having stolen all of the bags from her even though she wanted to hold them. When I looked up at the sky, the Moon was shining brightly.

“Then hold my empty hand. And then you can take the lead. You’re the one who decided on the destination, after all,” I said while offering my hand to her.

“But then would you not be the only one at disadvantage and I the only one who will be ‘happy’?”

“Holding your hand as we walk is something that makes me ‘happy’. It’s no disadvantage. Carrying my significant other’s belongings makes me happy, too. I wouldn’t be able to do it without you here, after all.”

She held my hand as if resigning. “I understand. The road is dangerous at night. I shall watch your step.”

“Thanks; please do that.”

In the end, she did wind up escorting me, but she let me carry the bags, so it was okay. She was courteous to an extent that, if left to her own will, she would treat even me like a princess, so if I weren’t this insistent, she would end up doing everything by herself.

I was deeply moved by that. After all, it reminded me of her past self.

――You’ve become capable of doing anything by yourself, huh.

I had created situations that would enable her for this.

――And yet, the two of us are together now.

I had wished for that.

――I’m a fool.

While walking, I tightly squeezed her hand, which was devoid of body heat. I couldn’t fathom letting go of it anymore.

Once we reached the small hill, we found that there was a number of groups of people with telescopes other than ourselves. As it was nighttime, we greeted one another silently.

“I have laid sheets here, so please take a seat. This is not a cold night, but the wind is blowing, hence I have brought lap blankets as well.”

“Got it. Come over here.”

“Over there?”

After having her sit down, I also sat in a way that I was covering her up from behind. By doing that, we could nuzzle just right.

“Lean closer if your neck starts hurting.”

Silence.

“Actually, you can lean closer already.”

When I gently pulled her shoulder, she entrusted her head to my chest in an uncomfortable manner.

“Making my Lord into a chair... and leaning against him is...”

“I’m no longer your Lord, and it’s nature’s providence that the big ones make sure to protect the little ones because of their difference in physique.”

“Nature’s providence...”

“Nature’s providence.”

She didn’t seem very convinced, but the words “nature’s providence” appeared to have worked. No matter how much time passed, she would always have a wild beast-like side to her in some respect, so using down-to-earth reasoning when negotiating with her was rather effective.

“Is it all right to let you spoil me, Major, if it is nature’s providence?”

I stroked her head without a care in the world. This position was nice because it was easy to do that.

“I want to spoil you even when there’s no reason for it.” When I said this, she entrusted to me even more of her body weight than earlier. I smiled.

We wouldn’t be able to do this during the day out of concern for people’s stares, but it was nighttime now. And she couldn’t see that my face was red. Good thing that it was night.

“Gives a strange feeling, doesn’t it?” I whispered while gazing up at the sky. “Is Mr. Stephanotis looking at the same sky, since he told you about the comet?”

“Yes, I believe that he is sure to be watching it from that enormous observatory.”

I also cast my eye at the other groups of people, of which I could only somewhat discern the positions in the darkness. “Same goes for them. We’ve been linked just by the information that a comet would pass by today. It gives me such a whimsical feeling that all of us have been treading different lives, and yet we’re looking at the sky tonight with the same goal.”

Should I call it an odd sense of sorority?

Illuminated by moonlight amidst the nightly darkness, she smiled. “The sky goes on, after all.”

I had once heard this phrase, I thought. “You said that before too.”

“Yes. No matter where I go, the sky continues on. When I was not able to see you, I sometimes thought that, even if we could not watch the passage of the seasons together, we might be looking at the same night sky. I was granted this kind of thinking because Master Leon taught me about astronomical observation.”

Silence.

“Perhaps, Major, the people you know are also looking at the sky now.”

“Brother probably isn’t.”

“I wonder. He often used to look up at the sky from the deck of his ship.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. He is fond of beautiful things.”

We continued having a random conversation while waiting for Comet Fin, which began to emerge little by little.

“The people who sent you letters might be looking at it too.”

And then, we would find ourselves imagining. About how people from other places, who had once crossed paths with us but were now living different lives, were spending this night.

“They might be.”

The princess who had married off to a forest kingdom far away. The novelist who was living a slightly lonely life while wishing to maintain his reputation. The sisters who used to live together in the past.

“Yes, they might be, Major.”

They were all under the same starry sky.

“It seems people say that there’s romance to this.”

By the looks of it, Mr. Leon Stephanotis was quite a good teacher to Violet. As expected, I ended up getting jealous.

“Major.”

“What is it...?”

Even though she had been finally looking up at the night sky, she turned back towards me. Her blue eyes gleamed blazingly even in the darkness.

“I am spending this time with you right now. Just the two of us.”

Back when we first met, I was terrified of them.

“Yeah.”

“Still... I suddenly find myself missing you. More than when I am alone.”

I used to be scared of that small living being. Because I could tell that she had been brought up in a chaotic place and knew that a bite from her could easily kill me.

“I am by your side and you are even sharing your warmth with me, yet this makes me feel lonely all of a sudden.”

But I couldn’t let go of her. This was what the footsteps chasing after me and the ragged sounds of her breathing made had me think. That it was okay if she killed me one day, but I had to create a place for this tiny wild beast to belong, as well as protect her.

“I was wondering why.”

And with time, I would begin to curse myself.

We snuggled up to one another in order to make up for the parts that were missing in each of us, which was grave and wrong, so no matter how precious and dear she was to me, I was never allowed to say it aloud. Because I was the one who had created this relationship between us.

“As expected... the time when I could not see you was torture for me.”

It would be best if we were separated, for all eternity.

“When I do things that fill it up... my ‘loneliness’ softens just slightly, like the calmness of the sea.”

The truth was that even our present might be a mistake.

And yet, we were by each other’s side. Even if other people told us that it was a mistake, we wouldn’t stop.

We were going to nestle up to each other until death.

“Major, are you not a little lonely right now?”

This might be a bizarre relationship. The truth was that there might have been different lives for each of us.

“If we continue spending time together like this, will there be a day when I will no longer feel lonely?”

But even if we were to start over, I would surely choose this path.

“Violet.”

――Because there’s no meaning in a life without you.

“It’ll be hard for that day to come,” I whispered words that could be considered a little mean to my violet blossom. “We’re lonely creatures by nature.”

After showing an enigmatic-looking expression, she recited my words, “‘Lonely creatures’...” The way she whispered the sentence sounded like she was digesting it. It felt like she had frozen up just from saying the word “lonely”, so I embraced her in order to make her warm. Letting me do as I pleased, she said, “Is that just you and I?”

“No...”

――If there were just you and I in the world, we wouldn’t have anything to worry about.

“Must be like that with everyone. Especially in the presence of their significant others... they get lonely even though they’re happy. It’s such a weird thing.”

“They feel lonely because they are in love?”

“That’s right. Yet loneliness, too, will diminish if we keep having this kind of contact with each other.”

“But it won’t disappear, will it? Major, do you... also feel lonely when you are with me?”

“I do.”

――I feel lonely all the time, Violet. It’s exactly because I’m in love with you that your every move makes me miss you. But I’m sure that’s what being in love is.

“Then I want us to feel lonely together forever.”

Violet’s words made me laugh. She was an optimist.

“Right. I feel like I’ll be missing you even after I turn into a wrinkly grandpa.”

“I shall deal with it.”

“How’re you gonna do that?”

“However you wish...”

I placed my forehead on hers. She seemed to understand what I wanted to do by that.

“My apologies, I am still unused to it, but...” Albeit displaying a shy attitude, she brought her face closer.

The comet was soon to appear. Before it did, we should be allowed to do this, if just for a little bit.

――That’s why, my dear, I want you not to look at the stars, just for the time being. Even if this is a special comet that we might not get to see in twelve years, just for now, look at me. This memory will repeat itself in our heads for eternity.

My chest felt like it was being squeezed.

――Aah, Violet. You were right; how lonesome this is. As long as I’m bound to you, I’ll feel as lonely as can be.

“Major... are you no longer feeling lonely?”

――Even though you’re already a flower that belongs to me only, I miss you.

“Still not enough...”

――No matter if I’m imagining the future or looking back into the past, or even in the present time, I suffer, because I’m in love with you.

“But the comet is...”

“The comet can wait.”

“It cannot.”

“It can. Just one more time.”

――Please. I want this pain to be gone. Close your eyes just for now, Violet. Because I want to erase our “loneliness”.

#violet evergarden #fyeahvioletevergarden #veedit #gilbert bougainvillea #kyoani #kyoto animation #akatsuki kana #violet evergarden booklets #violet evergarden last letter

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squeemcsquee · 6 years

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Anime Midwest 2018, Day 2

Ah, Day 2. Aka, the day I forgot to really mark things in my program guide, so I’m having to read the schedule now, 9 days later, to figure out what I did.

Can I repeat my wish for AnimeCon.Org to create or pay to utilize an app that will let you highlight panels/take notes/etc? Please?

Day two’s morning started with another visit to the manga library. I didn’t stay long, but even just popping in briefly was a nice way to get my day going. From there, I wandered over to the “Two Guys Walk Into the Internet” panel so I could see Linkara and The Last Angry Geek again.

This was the panel to attend if you wanted to get not just info on YouTube experience and their preferred reviewing styles, but also the recent Channel Awesome debacle from April of this year. Some of it was what I knew from the Twitter thread and the Not So Awesome Google doc, but some of it was not stuff I’d known. And it’s sad to know that The Geek took a big hit to his viewing and subscriber base when he cut ties with the site. From what I saw of him during Midwest, he seems a cool guy, and I’ll be looking into his channel more.

From there, nothing really caught my eye for the next hour, so I decided to check out the game room, and man, I wish I had spent more time there. Honestly, I haven’t dabbled in the gaming rooms as much as I’ve been tempted, because of the “funk” that usually pervades them. But Midwest’s game room smelled just fine, and looking at the games on display, I was like a kid in a candy store. From giant-sized games meant to be laid out on the floor to classic board and card games, from games aimed at younger players, to games for adults, to all ages...seriously, the people they’d partnered with had it all. And the game room staff knew their stuff! I spotted a copy of Betrayal at the House on the Hill and was talking to @shbumi about it, and a staffer overheard and joined in. I love that game - it does not love me back.

If I do another Anime Midwest, I am going to have to spend more time in this area, that’s for sure!

After that, it was time for the Bad Music Videos panel with V is for Villains. Only one band member was on hand, but he made the panel a blast. Instead of my usual pic from the panel (even though I stole @lechevaliermalfet ‘s phone to take one), I’m going to include one of the videos shown. This one is a classic, so you may have seen it before:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BC35cQKHwzg

I’m glad that this is a staple V is for Villains panel because I found it entertaining and wouldn’t mind sitting it again sometime.

Also, I need to thank @shbumi - while I was at this panel, she was out trying to catch a shiny Articuno for me. The raids in the area didn’t pan out, but I appreciate her making the effort!

I wandered for a bit, then I checked into the tail end of the “Sexy Multimedia Q & A with D.C. Douglas” panel, since I knew he’s funny to listen to.

I went back through the dealer’s hall and artist alley after the panel. I stopped to say hi to a friend of a friend in the AA, and snagged a copy of her comic.

I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet (I’m bad about that - I snag indie comics at cons, then they sit on my shelf for quite a while) but I’m looking forward to it!

This was my other score for the artist alley during that time:

@falsedelusion does absolutely gorgeous work and I was happy to find art for Violet Evergarden, since Violet could be considered my latest anime waifu.

After dropping my comic and print in the room and grabbing some food, I went back to the con for some people-watching before going to the “Great Graphic Novels You Should Be Reading” panel.

This is another one I’ll probably have to attend again. See, the manga librarian apparently updates it every 2 weeks. And she’s got waaaayyyy more titles to choose from than you might think. Everything she recommended during the panel, she had on hand in the manga library. She also gave out personal recommendations for attendees, if asked.

I did end up taking photos of each slide, though I didn’t take notes of what was said. Still, I can do a photo post of what was recommended that weekend, at least.

From there, it was time for the “Women in Anime, TV, Film, and Beyond” panel.

I tried to like this one - I really did. It was nothing against the women who were answering questions and talking about the industry. It had everything to do with the setup. See, to even get a clear view of who was talking, you needed to either be up front or super tall. I don’t know how the A/V setup would work, but this particular panel is one that would have benefited from using the projector to show the image of who was talking and when. Since I couldn’t see from where I sat (my photo was taken by holding up my phone way about my head), it was hard to follow who was talking. In the end, I had to leave - I just couldn’t focus.

The evening was moving on so I snagged some free ramen, then headed off to the “LGBT Equality in Anime and Games” panel, which was 18+. The staffer checking my ID recognized my cosplay as the Impala from Supernatural, which was awesome.

(Side note: my favorite moments from Saturday were the one I just mentioned and running into Sam, Dean, and Cas cosplayers and taking a photo with them.)

I don’t know that I’m as familiar with Oscar Seung’s work, but I can say this: Hearing him sing and play the violin was awesome! And it was funny to hear how he’ll stop, mid-conversation, if he learns he has a voice role for Funimation - he takes his prep that seriously. Which is great, but I would hate to be the one talking to him at the time!

After that was “So You Think You Can Broadway.” This was easily the panel I was most conflicted about, after attending it. See, here’s the panel description, from the program:

“Are you suddenly bursting in song? Being “Pulled” in a new direction? Can’t seem to “Wait for It” or “My Shot”? Do you think being on stage has always “Meant To Be Yours”? Then you might have caught the Broadway Bug. Let us “Whip Into Shape” and see if you have the guts to survive the stage.”

It was a Jeopardy-style panel. Okay, fine! I like Jeopardy! But a lot of the rules seemed to be sorted out as we went: how to divide into teams, how teams would give answers, how many turns before allowing the other team a chance at the board, etc. People were having fun - including me - but there were grumbles at times about how the uncertain rules were causing possible unfairness in the judging process.

The panel ended with the option to sing in front of the judges and be told if they thought you were Broadway-material or not.

After that, it was time to wait in line for the conclusion of my evening: The Forbidden Fandom Dames Broadway Burlesque Adventure!

It was only in line waiting for this event that I learned that Anime Midwest had wristbands for 18+ events, just like the parent company had done for Anime Zap!.I’ve since looked over the program booklet to see if this was mentioned anywhere, but it wasn’t.

The room was packed, and it was an amazing experience. All involved were incredibly talented and entertaining. I admire their confidence in being able to perform and show some skin in front of a room of strangers.

It was a great way to end the day.

All of my Anime Midwest 2018 Coverage:

#anime midwest #anime midwest 2018 #con review #con writeup #prose and cons

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recentanimenews · 3 years

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Violet Evergarden: The Movie Gets 4K HDR Blu-Ray Release in Japan on August 4

The official website for the Violet Evergarden franchise announced today that the award-winning Violet Evergarden: The Movie will get its Japanese home release on August 4 in three different editions. One of those editions, the Blu-ray special edition, will mark the first-ever release of a Kyoto Animation work in 4K and HDR, utilizing the Dolby Vision HDR format conversion that saw the film be the first original anime film to be screened in Dolby Vision's HDR format.

【公式サイト更新】 ●『劇場版ヴァイオレット・エヴァーガーデン』Blu-ray&DVD発売決定！https://t.co/kRnYeyiaOd#ヴァイオレット・エヴァーガーデン #VioletEvergarden

— 「ヴァイオレット・エヴァーガーデン」公式 (@Violet_Letter) April 7, 2021

All editions of the film, including the regular Blu-ray and DVD editions, come with a special case, a color booklet, two types of letters by Violet, four cards that were theatrical gifts, a card-sized version of the film poster, and cards drawn by director Taichi Ishidate.

The special edition will come with both the UHD and normal Blu-ray disc, with the UHD version having the Dolby Vision version of the film that comes with Dolby Atmos surround sound (though does note that if you don't have a sound system compatible with the sound format, it will play on regular speakers as well). Physically, the special edition also comes with a booklet featuring interviews with the staff and director discussing the Dolby Cinema upgrade and production process.

No art from any of the releases has been unveiled at the moment.

youtube

Violet Evergarden the Movie opened in Japanese theaters on September 18 and when we last checked in, had made 2.1 billion yen (US$20.23 million) at the Japanese box office. We reviewed the film when it released. The Dolby Vision version opened separately on November 13 in 7 theaters across Japan.

Source: Violet Evergarden official website

----

Daryl Harding is a Japan Correspondent for Crunchyroll News. He also runs a YouTube channel about Japan stuff called TheDoctorDazza, tweets at @DoctorDazza, and posts photos of his travels on Instagram.

By: Daryl Harding

#Anime #News #Latest in Anime News by Crunchyroll!

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x0401x · 2 years

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#violet evergarden #veedit #fyeahvioletevergarden #allanimanga #anisource #fymanganime #animangaladies #graphics-net #dailyanime #animedaily #animeedit #fyanime #kyoani #kyoaniedit #kyoto animation #takase akiko #violet evergarden booklets #anime #lineart

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x0401x · 2 years

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“A teaspoon of artificiality, detachment and indifference; a tablespoon of an emerald brooch, innocence and devotion; a pinch of secrets from the past hidden within blue irises and a dash of a spirit bearing no fear towards a search for the unknown, along with an ability to take action, as the finishing touch. That’s what Violet Evergarden was made of.”

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dennou-translations · 3 years

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Violet Evergarden: Booklet 10

← Previous || Index || Next →

And so, they would love the passage of their time for all eternity.

Gilbert Bougainvillea and the Transient Dream

The boy woke up alone in a room filled with the sound of rain.

It was raining gently outside. The boy with hair the color of dusk and emerald-green eyes looked out the window, seeming a little happy.

Today was a rainy day. Meaning there would be no sword training or running laps outside. They would probably have class inside the house. The boy was curious about the continuation of a children’s book that he had not been able to read due to the training.

——Yay.

He was forbidden from reading books before going to sleep and they would be confiscated if his grades at homeschooling went down. Of course, he was also not allowed to have continuous defeats at sword training either.

Raised in a harsh household, the boy had whip marks on his hands. He had been hit the previous day and they were throbbing the whole time until now. His older brother had run away from the training and the boy was hit due to not looking for him. Upon hearing about this, his brother had flared up at their father for hitting him, yet he was punched and that was the end of it.

At this very moment, in another room, his brother was surely also pleased to welcome this morning.

“Gilbert.”

There was a knock on the door, the boy poking his head out of the room still in his sleepwear.

“Hehe, we got a day off.” With a swollen cheek and a bruise on his eye, his brother smiled brightly at him. When the boy asked if his wound was all right, he replied with an “it’s nothing”. When he held Gilbert’s hands, he rubbed them as if to warm them up. “I’m sorry for running away.”

“Hm-hm.” Gilbert shook his head.

“But I think I’ll do it again.”

“Why, Brother?” Gilbert asked.

“‘Cause it pisses me off. Not just Old Man but everything else.”

Gilbert lowered his shoulders. He could somewhat understand what his brother was saying. His brother despised the fate and obligations imposed on them.

“You too, don’t be their slave. Hey, can I sleep in your room? They took my mattress away as punishment. It’s so cold that I can’t handle it, and also, about the novel you were reading, can I read it first?”

“Yep, sure, Brother,” Gilbert answered.

——One day, when I grow up, I wanna try doing things I like, Gilbert thought.

The man woke up in a room filled with the sound of rain.

It was a listless awakening. The humidity was probably high. When he attempted to sit up, he took notice of a weight on his body.

There was a beautiful woman in his arms.

With golden hair, golden eyelashes and porcelain skin, said woman was fast asleep. She had long and fine-looking limbs, as well as a slender body. She was almost a doll.

At first, Gilbert was startled at the fact someone was sleeping with him.

——Violet.

And then, he was startled at the fact that this was his beloved.

He observed her attentively. She slept so quietly that he became worried as to whether she was breathing or not. He was able to confirm the sound of her breathing by bringing his ear close to her, stroking his chest in relief. Violet was almost like a manufactured doll when sleeping.

——Her skin is so pretty.

She was too young for someone like him, who had recently found a white hair on his head. The lovers were far apart in age, but be that as it may, Violet still looked child-like.

——She already had a mature face even when she was a child.

When people like her grew up, some of them would end up looking childish instead. Perhaps he should say that her age had caught up to her facial features, and then surpassed them.

Wanting to give her some sort of display of affection, Gilbert took a strand of her golden hair and planted a kiss on it, doing his best not to wake her. A shy smile naturally formed on his lips.

“Major,” Violet called, her eyes still shut. This title was no longer fitting of him, but it was the first word she spoke, as well as Gilbert’s former rank. Therefore, Gilbert allowed her to call him such without correcting her.

“Did I wake you up?”

“No, I was already slightly awake...” She rubbed her eyes like a cat and then opened them to look at him.

Each one of her actions were fascinating to him.

“Major, you are here,” perhaps due to having just awoken, Violet uttered a strange sentence.

“I am, of course.”

“That surprised me.”

“I get you. So was I... It’s still just our first day living together. It’s natural for both of us to be surprised.” Giggling lightly, Gilbert gently pulled Violet, who was already in his arms, into an embrace. Their noses connected and they coiled around each other like animals would do.

“To me, Major, you are at times so passionate that I feel as if I will stop functioning.”

“Why are you talking in pauses, Violet?”

“Most likely, it is out of embarrassment.”

“I see, so you’re nervous. Let me see that.”

“No, I cannot.”

“Let me.”

“I cannot.”

As Violet twisted her body and attempted to hide her face with her pale hands, Gilbert laughed, coiling himself around her again. As if to object, with her face slightly flushed red, Violet grabbed a pillow and placed it between his face and her own.

“What’s this?”

“It is a barrier.”

“I can’t give you a good morning kiss like this.”

“It is a barrier.”

“Violet, have you come to hate me?”

“That is not the case.”

“Then what’s this barrier for?”

“My face looks strange right now.” Violet’s face peeked out of the pillow barrier just a little. “It would be a problem if I show it to you and you find it weird, and end up disliking me for it.”

Gilbert threw the pillow away and stole Violet’s lips, no more questions asked. While it rained, it took some time for the lovers to get out of bed, and as this battle went on, it was close to noon before they realized.

At noon, Gilbert fixed them a meal and the two ate together. As the rain did not cease by any means and since both of them had earned a vacation for now, they spent their time sitting on the couch and reading books.

They spent their time doing things they liked.

From a carriage, the boy was observing the view out the window.

He had never attempted to act freely for a single day. For Gilbert, who had the blood of the Bougainvillea – a family renowned for producing a great number of excellent army soldiers –, everything was already decided. The kind of shoes he wore, the fabric of his jacket, what time he had to wake up in the morning, what sort of martial arts he was going to learn, whom he should not be friends with – all of it was predetermined. The fact that he was going to attend a military academy in spring had also been predetermined since his birth.

He had arranged a carriage to go see his room at the dormitory, yet his only accompanier was a butler, as his parents had not come along. To begin with, his father had to work and his mother was taking care of his newly born younger sister.

His brother had already fled from home and his whereabouts were unknown. He had sent a letter to Gilbert alone, informing that he had enrolled into the navy’s military academy, but had been out of contact ever since. He had said that he would come back to celebrate Gilbert’s enrollment, but there was no telling if this was true.

The scenery moved steadily outside the vehicle’s window. He saw a few young men about as old as himself walking cheerfully in a group. Those were average people. Instead of going to the military academy, they were bound to take over a merchant household or land themselves some kind of ordinary job. They were merely on a stroll, yet seemed to be having so much fun.

Gilbert, who was doing nothing but ride on a carriage, found no enjoyment in anything.

When the cab asked Gilbert if he wanted to stop by anywhere, nothing came to his mind. He was especially good at geography, thus he was well-acquainted with location names. But he was unable to say any of them aloud.

He knew that he could not run away.

If, for instance, he were to complain here about the conflicts and suffering unfolding in his heart, he would be labeled a weakling and cut off from his family, and his responsibilities as family head would be pushed onto the future bridegrooms of his younger sisters, who were still small. In that case, if his sisters ever fell in love with someone, they would not be able to act upon their feelings, and instead would have to marry someone that they did not love.

The best option was for Gilbert to put up with it. This was the best way for the world to spin. After all, Gilbert did not value himself much, either. He believed that if someone was supposed to die away, it should be himself.

He spotted an elderly couple taking a walk amongst the trees, and feeling jealous of them for whatever reason, he shed tears.

From a carriage, the man was observing the view out the window.

Today was a free day. The greenery outside was beautiful. When he looked to his side, he found someone even more beautiful right next to him. That was his lover.

As the carriage stopped by an extensive forest, the two walked out holding a bulky picnic basket.

They were not able to come here the other day due to rain, but choosing to come today might have been for the best. They had heard from a neighbor that there would be balloons on sight today.

“I have flown on fighter aircraft before, but not on a balloon. Major, what about you?”

Violet and Gilbert had laid a large blanket over the grass, the two of them lying on it and looking up at the sky. They had already finished the homemade sandwiches and tea that were once in the picnic basket. Both were light eaters, but had the feeling that they were able to eat much more than usual. Was it because they were spending a carefree time with each other outdoors?

“Never. I like how fast fighters are, but they’re not fit for appreciating the scenery. That person over there seems to be having fun. How about we ride on one together someday?”

A small red balloon was visible in the far-off sky.

“I worry about the lack of security.”

“Indeed. They haven’t thought about making it bulletproof.”

With a natural disposition for the military, the couple started having a bizarre conversation. They were having a slightly hard time believing that people could ride on such things. As he shared his opinion that they would die immediately if they were shot while on it, Violet replied with an “I was thinking the same thing”.

“It doesn’t seem like we could enjoy it if we’re going to be concerned about snipers. Should we go for horseback riding, then?”

“It is easy to flee on a horse. We can also eat them as a last resort. Sound decision.”

Silence.

“When we had to eat one of our military horses, Major, you seemed sad. My apologies. That was rude of me to say.”

“No, that’s the kind of times it was back then. We had no choice.”

“Yes, that kind of times.”

Because it was that kind of times, many things had been forgiven. Their relationship, for example.

“Violet.” Gilbert attempted to ask for forgiveness, but stopped halfway. “Well... aren’t you cold?”

After all, this was already a time from after he had been forgiven.

The young man was watching as water drops trickled down the petals of a rose.

He had been doing this for about a few minutes. The vase on top of the table was not going to say anything to him.

His companion, a fiancée chosen for him by his parents – and on top of that, who had been passed down to him from his older brother due to inheritance matters –, looked bored. It was clear that they were not seeing each other because they wanted to. Rather than using his precious day off from the military academy to meet her at a café, spending time with his first-ever best friend, whom he had met in the military academy, in the latter’s room at the dormitory would be several times more fun.

——I wonder what Hodgins is doing.

He did not quite like the card games and nighttime hangouts that Hodgins had told him about, but Gilbert enjoyed being in his presence and having meals with him. His relationship with Hodgins was sometimes ostracized by the instructors, but he had no intention to cut ties.

——Well, he has friends other than me, so he’ll be fine even if I’m not there.

“Something interesting” had popped up in Gilbert’s life at long last. That was Claudia Hodgins.

With no thoughts in his head except for his friend, there was no way that Gilbert could hold an enjoyable conversation with a teenage girl.

“Hum, I’ll be taking my leave.”

These words came from his fiancée after a while, and that was when his consciousness returned to reality. “I’m sorry; I was a bit lost in thought... even though I’m with you.”

“No, I was glad to be able to see you. The tea here is delicious, too.”

“True. The food was also good.”

When he escorted her outside, a servant of her household was waiting for her from a short distance.

“Mr. Gilbert, do you think you can convince them?”

“If I get a bit more time. I’m a student, so I have no say on the matter.”

“I see. Me too.”

“It’s our parents’ decision. It will probably take some time, but let’s make some effort to convince them into revoking it.”

“Yes... Hum, I’m really glad... that you became my fiancé instead, Mr. Gilbert.”

Gilbert laughed a little despite not being very happy. Because he could tell that he was nothing more to her than a board piece that she could move as desired.

“As for me, I think my brother... always did everything better than myself.”

His fiancée titled her head and laughed, looking troubled.

The man was watching as water drops trickled down the petals of a rose.

A fresh and fragrant scent wafted from the bouquet he had just bought. He was oddly embarrassed of himself as he waited at a square not too far from their residence, his gaze cast down the whole time.

This was his first time buying a bouquet of red roses in his whole life.

Nothing was more awkward than the moment he made the purchase. He had given his sisters and mother flower bouquets before, but he had never chosen red roses.

——I guess that’s because...

He felt that he was supposed to give away said flowers when he found himself a significant other. He was so concerned about what she would think when receiving them out of nowhere that he could barely handle it.

——Would purple flowers have been better?

His lover would probably not refuse them, but there was a high chance that she would make a puzzled face at them. She was that kind of person.

——But I wanted to give her these. Can’t help it.

If the desire to give her flowers and please her was 30% of him, then the desire to try giving his beloved these special flowers was 70%. Even now, strong as the wish to give them to her was, he was equal parts worried about what to do if receiving them ended up troubling her.

Regardless, he had already bought them. He had asked the shopkeeper of the flower shop for a “bouquet of roses”, meticulously chose even the color of the ribbon, and then purchased them. There was no going back.

“Major.”

Violet came to the meeting spot at the square. The two had left home together, but parted halfway as both had separate things that they wanted to put in order, and then headed off to meet each other.

“A bouquet... Will you be going somewhere after this? I can take your belongings with me.”

Apparently, his endearing lover thought the bouquet was meant for a gravestone visit. Gilbert blanked out for a second, then found himself laughing. “No, that’s not it... I bought these...” While taking Violet’s things, Gilbert handed her the bouquet. “...so that I could give them to the person I love.”

On the other side of the rose bouquet, he could see Violet’s cheeks dyeing red and her eyes shining.

“Major, your eyes are here.”

He stared at the soldier girl who had said this. She was pointing at something.

In front of her white finger, which was stretched straight forward, was an emerald brooch. It was similar to the gemstones that Gilbert Bougainvillea, who now belonged to Leidenschaftlich’s army, had possessed since birth.

The soldier girl cast him a gaze that seemed to pierce through his beautiful eyes, which were suffused with his sorrow. “I wonder what this is called.”

Ever since she was an orphan who had barely learned how to speak, she sometimes had this kind of facet. Whenever she could not find an appropriate term, she would talk as if she were having trouble.

At first, he thought she was asking about “emerald”, the type of gemstone, but he was wrong.

“When I looked at this... I wondered what would be a suitable way to describe it...”

In that moment, Gilbert’s breath caught in realization.

“‘Beautiful’...”

Gilbert had been the one who educated her on how to talk. He taught her many words. So that she would be able to follow her orders.

This soldier girl had a beautiful appearance, but in fact, she was a beast.

——I never taught her.

The kind of beast who, for some reason, could only understand the word “kill”.

——I never taught her.

Therefore, their exchanges naturally were limited ones.

“Kill.”

“Yes.”

“Kill.”

“Yes.”

“Kill.”

“Yes.”

“Kill.”

“Yes.”

“Kill.”

“Yes.”

Of course, he had also taught her about lifestyle habits, so that she would be able to live on after he died. It could be said that Gilbert had done his utmost for her. But now his negligence was being thrust at him.

——I never taught her.

He could give her orders to murder, yet he had never taught her a word as simple as “beautiful”.

——I never taught her.

Even though she was a girl so fitting of it.

——I never told her.

Even though there had been so, so many moments where he thought she was beautiful.

——I never told her.

If only she did not have to live this kind of life with him in the battlefield, she would have been complimented with this word as many times as could be.

——She doesn’t know.

She had just found out about it.

——She doesn’t know, and yet...

On top of that, she called the gemstone that resembled Gilbert Bougainvillea’s eyes “beautiful”.

——I’m taking you to war, you know?

Why had she said that? She was not one for flattery. Praises never came out of her mouth. That was not her character. She only ever spoke the truth. She could not lie. She lived almost like a machine.

Which was why the fact that this was true and she was saying it from the bottom of her heart was too painful.

——It hurts.

To think that she would learn the word that she was supposed to be complimented with by looking at the eyes of her Lord, the one who issued her orders to assassinate people.

He bought the brooch and gave it to her, then passed through the nightly crowds as if to cut something off. He wanted to go to a quiet place. He was so ashamed of himself that he could not stand it.

Educating and guiding a child during wartimes was something demanding. Besides, this was not a normal child. It was her. The girl bestowed with the name of a flower, the war maiden, Violet. Gilbert could be considered a great mentor from a third party’s point of view, but he himself was stabbed too painfully in the chest by what had just happened.

“Major, what should I do with this now that I have it?” She showed him the brooch that she was holding.

“Clasp it wherever you’d like.”

“I will end up losing it.

“That would be the case when you are in battle. You just have to wear it only in times of peace... It might actually have been better to choose one of the same blue color as your eyes, though...”

The soldier girl Violet shook her head at these words. “No, this one was the most ‘beautiful’.”

His breathing halted at her clear assertion.

“I have thought since long ago that they are ‘beautiful’... I did not know the word, so I had never said it.”

It came to a halt from the pain and agony.

“Your eyes have been ‘beautiful’ ever since we first met.”

It felt like the affection cease his breathing and kill him.

“Major, your eye is here.”

He stared at his lover as she said this.

They had gone to a jewelry store to buy rings. A wonderful pair of rings, fitting of a happy couple.

——Yes, that’s what we’re supposed to be doing.

Somehow, it did not feel very real. The jewelry store was bustling with other lovers whom had sworn their futures to each other and the shopkeeper was waiting for their decision with a gentle smile. This place most certainly existed and he himself was in this space as well, yet it did not feel real.

“Aah, hum—” Halfway through the sentence, he was unable to muster out the words.

She was right there. Despite her happy-looking smile, there was a voice saying, “This is wrong” in his head. He forced himself to crack a smile, yet his heart was making disturbing sounds.

——Something’s strange.

Yes, something was off. He did not know what. But there was a need to look carefully.

——What is it that’s out of place?

Golden hair, blue eyes, cherry-colored lips. White skin and long limbs.

——No.

Long limbs.

——No.

She had hands.

——She’s not supposed to.

His lover in front of him boasted a beauty that lacked nothing. She had no physical defects and was so beautiful that she seemed to shine.

——Aah, I get it.

Upon a closer look, the source of his discomfort was something simple.

“Violet, what happened to your arms?”

——You’re supposed to have lost them in the war.

The instant he said this, the smile that Violet had until just now disappeared abruptly. She deadpanned as if she were devoid of emotions. “Why did you have to say that?”

“No, I mean, this is weird.”

“It is not. Isn’t this what you wanted?”

Gilbert was confused. He started sweating and his throat went dry all of a sudden. A drop of sweat trickled down into his eye.

He rubbed his eye and opened it again while evening his breathing, but in the next moment, the jewelry store had vanished.

“Violet?”

It was gone.

“Violet.”

It was gone. It all had turned into a completely white space.

“Violet, Violet.”

She had disappeared as well.

“Where are you, Violet?”

His loved one was gone.

“Violet!”

The person who mattered the most to him was gone.

“Violet!”

She was dearer to him than anyone else and he wanted to protect her, and for that, he could sacrifice anything.

The woman he loved most was gone. He had lost everything.

He did not understand how this had happened. Rather, where did the truth end and where did the falsehood begin, in the first place?

——Have I ever spent those happy days with her?

Gilbert started thinking. He started thinking in this pure-white space that had nothing, just like himself. About what had been real.

——We never had those happy days.

She was unfortunate from the moment they had first met and most likely had never been allowed to have a happy personal experience. It was only once that he had taken her to the city and let her make memories like the teenage girl she was. Only when he bought her the emerald brooch.

——Then what were those days?

What were those happy days that he could remember as if they had actually happened? That were kindly created almost as if to be an inverse proportion to his past?

The answer was simple.

That had been just a wish, or perhaps a dream. Something transient that would soon disappear.

It was not the “truth”.

There was no way that Gilbert Bougainvillea would have had such days. No way that he could be forgiven.

He had disappeared after the war ended. After all, he had concluded that it was best for her if he were not around. He felt that their relationship was too co-dependent and not good for her.

——That was exactly it.

The two who were far apart in age looked like parent and daughter, but the one who had a grip over the other’s life was actually Violet, and yet, Gilbert was the one she was depending on, so everything was a mess.

They were not like siblings, either. No older brother would make his younger sister kill people.

They were a superior and his subordinate. That one felt just right, but something about them went beyond that line.

——Our relationship is... Our relationship is... Our relationship is...

It was as if two people who were all alone had met by fate in a corner of the world. One’s loneliness had resonated the other’s.

Gilbert found himself bordering affection for the beautiful beast who always followed him from behind. After all, she was the only one who looked at him. In a life where no one else had ever done so, she was the first person to look at him. And just as she begged for it, Gilbert would return her gaze as well.

Violet adored her Lord, who always accepted her existence and gently guided her. This was something close to religious faith, and she would not mind dying over and over as long as he could live. His orders were proof of her reason to exist, but above that and above all else, being embraced by him when they first met had made her happy.

Having her existence be accepted made her happy. Being used by someone who treated her so kindly made her happy. She wanted to be his beast, she thought. If she could not be beside him, she did not even want to breathe.

Gilbert was... Violet was...

...in love.

Gilbert shed a tear in the pure-white world.

He had no idea why he was crying. Was he ashamed? Sad? Frustrated? Suffering? Pained? Did he want to die? Did he want to live? Did he want to be forgiven? Did he want to forgive? Did he want to complain? Did he want to apologize?

——No, I...

He wanted to be forgiven.

As the answer came close to the truth, his field of vision began to blur. He could tell that, yes, this world was going to end.

His vision swayed from the overflowing tears. His consciousness also began to fade just like that.

Dawn was soon to break.

The real Gilbert Bougainvillea was about to wake up. He surely would not remember this dream after opening his eyes.

This shameless dream. The wish for it have been real. The lack of repentance for what he did.

He was going to hide all of this and continue living. Without being loved by anyone. Without loving anyone.

——And then die in loneliness.

The man woke up in a room filled with the sound of rain.

It was a listless awakening. The humidity was probably high. When he attempted to sit up, he took notice that his body hurt. He could not pinpoint the cause of it, so could it be that he was losing to the advancement of his age?

The room was empty and there was no one else around. He had a huge bed all for himself.

With a somewhat dumbfounded aspect, he started preparing for morning regardless.

For some reason, tears kept on flowing from his eye, but he did not pay much mind to them. His own feelings did not pique his interest that much.

He changed from his sleepwear into a shirt and pants, then exited his bedroom and headed to the kitchen. He warmed up water and made tea.

There were fruits on the table but no bread. Come to think of it, he had the feeling that he was out of bread. He had to buy some.

Human beings sure were time-consuming creatures, Gilbert thought. They needed money to live, and even after passing away, they needed money for building a grave. Their bodies yearned for nourishment even if they did not want to eat, and when they did want to, they had to march to a grocer’s with currency in hand. If some part of their bodies felt weary, they had to go to the hospital. If their clothes tore, they had to sew it back. However, there would most certainly be days in which they would not be able to carry out these many everyday life tasks, no matter what. For example, in the morning after they had a terrible dream.

——So I haven’t forgotten.

It had been a dream, but a vivid one at that. It truly felt like reality. Frankly, he felt like he could lose sight of whether the reality was this side or that one.

He was probably still half-awake. His consciousness should clear up eventually. He should accept reality and live the exemplary life that someone else wished for him, as usual. He was made that way. Surely, he should be able to do it. After all, he had always been doing so. In order not to fail, in order to take the shape people wanted him to, he had put a choker on himself and submitted to his fate.

Even if he were unable to, he had to do it. Until the time of his death.

“...jor.”

In that moment, he heard someone’s voice. Gilbert nearly dropped the teacup he was holding.

“Major, are you awake?”

It was a voice that he was used to hearing. The voice tone that rang in his ears like the singing of a skylark called him by a title that was no longer fitting of him.

Gilbert walked unsteadily to the direction of the voice.

The front door’s knob was making rattling sounds. Someone was attempting to open it, but perhaps was not succeeding, as it was not rotating fully.

Gilbert opened the door with much vigor.

“Aah, Major... I’m glad. Your face does not look too pale.”

And there she was.

“I went to do shopping for breakfast. President Hodgins and the others are still at the market.”

Gilbert’s “greatest love” was there.

“They took a day off for the first time in a while to come visit us, and yet, our food supplies ran out because it was so sudden. But please rest easy. With this, the problem is solved.”

Golden hair, blue eyes, cherry-colored lips.

“Major, I hid the liquor that President Hodgins persistently forced you to drink yesterday. Benedict also said he felt sick when waking up, so please limit yourself to at least fruit wine tonight. I am worried about your condition...”

The silver prosthetic arms hidden under her dress squeaked as she put the bags on the floor.

“Major?”

Gilbert opened his mouth and took the air into his body. And this time, in order to awaken for good from the nightmare, he called the name of his significant other.

“Violet.”

Just calling this name was enough to dye the world in slightly gentler colors.

“Yes?”

As she tilted her head, Gilbert embraced her by the front door. He did not take any form of permission for it. Until now, he had been requesting consent for kissing and holding her, but this time, he did not ask for anything. He wanted her to forgive him for that. Violet did not refuse it either, which had him taken aback.

“Major, what—is the—matter...?”

“I had a bad time waking up...”

“Yes, Benedict said the same thing...”

“I woke up feeling like my dream and reality were mixed up... It was as if a reality blended with lies had merged with the truth... and boiled down into something ugly...”

“What a terrible dream.”

As his lover, who was always so aloof, replied to him so plainly, he felt like he could laugh away a little at what had happened to him.

“Yeah, it was. That’s why I wanted to put myself at ease by hugging you...”

Upon hearing this, Violet timidly wrapped her arms around Gilbert’s back to embrace him as well.

“Thanks.”

“No, I also dream sometimes, so I understand.”

“You too?”

“Yes. I do not dream too often, but... there are times when I have one particular dream. A dream where I do nothing but look for you.”

“As your childhood self?”

“Both, I believe. But no matter what form I take, in the end, I never find you. And so, I find myself thinking about something. That if things were going to come to this, it would have been better if we had died together that time.”

Silence.

“But when I wake up, Major, you are right there. Sleeping next to me. ‘Aah, that’s right. We’re living together now. I don’t need to look for anything,’ I think, relieved...”

While Violet went on as if whispering, Gilbert looked at her face.

“And so, I nestle close to you again and go back to sleep. It is all right now.”

“Yeah.”

At the end of the day, the two of them were alike, Gilbert thought.

“Be it morning or night, be it when I am losing consciousness or awakening, I can confirm it. That you are there.”

“Yeah, that’s really how it is, Violet... We’re all right now.”

When they nuzzled up to one another, the pieces that were missing from each of them formed a perfect circle. It granted them the strength to live in this unexceptional and cruel world.

After all, the two of them had to continue living from this point on too.

“What should we make for breakfast...?”

As Gilbert asked with a gentle smile, the corners of Violet’s lips raised as well. “They have come all the way here. I want to provide some hospitality.”

“Yeah, but really, I hope they’ll limit the unannounced visits to just this time.”

“I was pleasantly surprised.”

“It gives me less alone time with you. And we have our own plans.”

“President Hodgins is fond of you, Major.”

“Well, we’re best friends.”

“And it seems Benedict was worried about how our daily lives are going.”

“The only one he’s worried about is you, right? He gave me several warnings even at our wedding.”

“President Hodgins proposed that we do something fun today.”

“I have fun even when it’s just the two of us, though.”

“Major, perhaps it is about time to loosen this embrace... and, hum, start preparing breakfast?”

“I want to keep hugging you, just for a bit more.”

Gilbert was able to believe that he feared nothing now. Neither living nor dying.

——Now that I’ve got you, my “greatest love”, I’m not afraid of anything anymore.

#violet evergarden #veedit #fyeahvioletevergarden #kyoto animation #kyoani #gilbert bougainvillea #my translation #akatsuki kana #takase akiko #violet evergarden booklets #gilbert bougainvillea and the transient dream #gilbert bougainvillea to hakanai yume #novel

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dennou-translations · 3 years

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Violet Evergarden: Booklet 8

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Back when we first met, she was a doll that didn’t talk.

It made me want to kick her and ask if she was alive. The way she was at that time, she probably wouldn’t have reacted even if she did get kicked.

The world after the war was vividly colored. And yet, it was as if she were living by herself in a grey realm. As if she were trapped in a room where taste and scent didn’t exist. She acted like she were intently enduring unstoppable pain.

——Being with her is boring.

But I couldn’t get my eyes off her.

——Why’s she doing this?

She should’ve used her head. If she thought about it just a little bit, she could’ve figured things out.

——Such a pain in the ass.

She shouldn’t live life wearing her heart on her sleeve. She should be fake, put up a front.

——Protect yourself a little.

All Violet could say about life was that it was hard.

She could do more than twice as many things as an ordinary person could. Yet she was insufferably incapable of doing anything that she was bad at. She also wasn’t good at getting by, couldn’t tell lies and never ran away when she was supposed to.

Most likely, she’d never fought back. As to whom, it was probably against destiny. And probably against the guy called God. She just tamely obeyed them.

It different from person to person, but sure enough, there were people who shouldered mostly hurtful fates. Even when they thought it was over, they’d get involved in painful conflicts again. There was no salvation for people born under that kind of star. Even if they themselves didn’t wish for it, that was what would happen to them. The circumstances would bring it to them. Bring misfortune.

God must’ve been beating her up over and over.

Maybe Violet didn’t like that at first. It might’ve made her cry. But, well, once you got used to it, even violence could become a part of everyday life.

——Isn’t that right, Violet?

God definitely hated you.

Benedict Blue’s Violet

——There’s a doll making noises in this dark room.

The thing in the shape of a blond-haired, blue-eyed girl was earnestly playing a melody. The way her mechanical arms operated the machine made her look almost like a piano accompanist. The ticking typewriter sounds flowed endlessly, practically like music. Slow at first, gradually growing faster. Strong, strong, strong, gentle.

The conversation between machines finished quietly in the room. There was no praise or applause.

The way she simply typed the letters down as if offering a prayer made her look like a pilgrim. Of course, the doll was neither a musician nor a pilgrim. She was a lonely artist.

The doll’s occupation was of Auto-Memories Doll. A profession that had existed since before the war, but the nice old-fashioned job had become active exactly because the war was over. Those who didn’t know the gist of it very well would say that it was a temporary job for women before getting married to rich men. But that actually wasn’t the case.

Since this profession combined physical and brain labor, there were some people who stood out for making a name for themselves in the industry. If anything, the most demanded girls traveled around a lot. The fact that she had been left behind while the others had gone out and was writing down documents spoke volumes about her lack of popularity.

I knew why she was alone in this room right now.

She had gone on a ghostwriting business trip, but was rejected and came back. Apparently, the client had told her that he didn’t want a woman with prosthetic arms, who had marks of the war engraved into her body, ghostwriting for him.

The commissioner of the letter had lost his wife in the war. For the sake of the infant children that had been left to him, he had been searching for a new wife and finally managed to remarry. And so, he was looking for someone to write the wedding invitations. He probably wanted everyone to celebrate it. Like, “Congratulations; hope you’ll be happy together”. People from all over the world.

Of course he’d be disheartened if a girl like that turned up and showed her prosthetics during such a time. It must’ve felt like she was throwing cold water on his happiness. Something might have happened that reminded him of his late wife.

——Like I care, stupid. That ain’t something you can take out on her.

Cattleya went in her stead and got angry, saying he was a nasty man.

People who were hated by God had it hard, I thought.

——There’s a doll standing in front of the entrance, gentle wind blowing by her.

Having come back from a delivery, I found her on stand-by with a tight posture. When this woman was silent, she really was just like a doll.

Had she gone to a client’s house and been turned away again? Or had they told her that they wanted a different girl next time?

Auto-Memories Dolls were something else. I liked just sending deliveries better. I refused to bow subserviently to people who acted conceited. If it were me, I’d have long quit.

But Violet came to work every day.

——She’s got more guts than some.

I was lost as to whether or not I should talk to her. I couldn’t tell someone from a different line of work what they should do. “Cheer up; don’t let it get to you” – I didn’t know if this kind of line would have any effect on her. I had the feeling that she had no need for other people in the first place.

Still, in times like these, the guy that had taken us in would talk to her. “Little Violet, there’s always a next time. You can take it slow,” he’d say.

Before I went to talk to her, she spotted me and nodded in greeting.

“Violet.”

The name that sounded so pretty when it rolled out of my mouth was the one of a flower.

“Did you get turned away again? Hodgins won’t be mad at you. Let’s go in.”

Violet’s eyes blinked repeatedly. “No, I was not turned away today.”

A violet was a flower that bloomed with purple petals.

“Therefore, President Hodgins said we should have a meal as a celebration...”

No matter how many times it was stepped on, this flower never stopped living.

“I see; isn’t that great?”

For some reason, I was relieved, as if I had just confirmed that the chick I had been protecting was okay.

“Yes.”

“Make a happier face, would you... no, forget that. Don’t try to do it physically. Stop using your hands to make yourself smile.”

What a weirdo. She made me feel strange.

——There’s a doll walking around town dyed in the colors of sunset.

A Prussian-blue jacket. A snow-white ribbon-tie dress. An emerald brooch on the chest. A pair of cocoa-brown high-laced boots that made clicking sounds resound from the brick-paved road.

I was used to seeing that doll. To be more precise, she was a girl with the appearance of a doll.

Someone was bound to stand out if they were loitering on a bridge and staring at a map while everyone else was going home. She was in the way of traffic and just her get-up was already conspicuous enough.

The reason why I happened to easily spot her in an unfamiliar town at sunset – a time of the day when one’s vision would begin to worsen – wasn’t that I naturally paid conscious attention to her or anything of the sort. I was just in the middle of a delivery to somewhere a bit far on that day. It was two hours away from the capital Leiden going by motorcycle.

“We deliver to wherever our clients desire.”

That was my job. So it was generally similar to the work of that blond-haired, blue-eyed girl in front of my eyes. In her case, it was “we rush to wherever our clients desire”.

We used to meet in the office building often when work had just started, but lately, we didn’t see each other at all. Her number of commissions had likely increased. Things seemed to be going well for her. It looked like she was having some sort of problem, but she’d probably be okay even if I left her there.

——She gonna be fine, right?

Dressed in an outfit that seemed to pop straight out of a fairy tale, the girl continued glaring at the map.

——Hey, you gonna be fine, ain’t you, Violet?

She was a mysterious Auto-Memories Doll – so beautiful it was uncanny, yet with a somewhat wild aspect.

Some time had passed ever since our boss introduced her to us out of nowhere. We were told that she was an ex-soldier, but we didn’t know the details of her circumstances.

Several of the CH Postal Company’s staff members were unique fellows. A former girl soldier was quite a rare thing, but in any case, our president, Claudia Hodgins, was a former high-ranking soldier himself. Many of us were the kind to dash away without leaning on anyone, despite each having their own burden.

Probably because the president was also like that.

Therefore, well, even if she was younger than me, we were both independent people, so my personal opinion was that I should keep enough distance to watch over her growth rather than meddle in her business.

——She’s dicey...

I stayed like that and watched her walk for a while. Violet Evergarden never spoke up about being in trouble when she was in trouble, so the people around her just passed her by. As she avoided the flow of people while staring intently at the map all by herself, her figure was that of a lonely traveler.

——If you don’t know where to go, ask someone.

I wasn’t nice enough to call out to someone I wasn’t close to. But it wasn’t like we were strangers, either.

I suddenly heard a habitual voice, “Haah? So you ignored Little Violet when she was in a pinch? How insensitive can you be? You’re gonna leave a girl on her own even though it’s about to get dark? You’re a disgrace as a gentleman. Why won’t you talk to her? Are you being shy? Self-conscious? Is that it, Benedict?”

A scene that couldn’t be described as anything but “noisy” surfaced in my head. Tediously lectured by the man inside my brain, I started getting the feeling that I indeed should help her out.

Without any other choice, I concentrated my strength on my stomach and called her name as if yelling in anger, “VIOLET!”

She who was loved by the president like a princess reacted by perking up like a rabbit and then looked my way. When I waved at her to come over, she rushed towards me in a sprint. “Benedict, is something the matter?” That was the first thing she said, dealing me an under-shoulder swing-down.

“Don’t ask me if something’s the matter. What’s up with you...?”

“I have finished my ghostwriting business trip here, so I am about to go back to the company. I was informed by the townspeople that it should take about six hours on foot, so I was attempting to confirm the direction.”

“‘Walking’, you say...? How’d you get here?”

“By train up to a nearby area. I took an omnibus from there... however, as the ghostwriting took more time than the expected, I wound up missing the last ride.”

“You could just spend the night at an inn, y’know?”

“This is a distance that I can conquest by marching, so that would be a waste of time and funds.”

When I heard the word “marching”, I almost let out a sigh. As expected, it seemed she still couldn’t get over her soldier spirit.

“I’ll let you ride behind me... so let’s go back together.”

“Is that all right?”

“Obviously, since we’re going in the same direction. But even if you were going a different way, well, I’d still give you a lift.”

“I am heavy; will you be able to handle it...?”

I looked at her slender waist and neck, wondering what she meant by that, but then concluded she was talking about her prosthetics. Once she hopped on the motorcycle, its running speed undeniably slowed down. We had issues going through unpaved roads, as the tires mired in.

“Perhaps I should run behind you?”

About this girl’s stupid side, she always decided to sacrifice herself.

“No, there’s no meaning in that.”

Whenever I was with her, I understood why Hodgins had told me to take care of her.

“We can arrive together.”

“You dumb or what? This thing normally carries baggage much heavier than you, so it’s gonna be fine.”

“An excellent soldier it is.”

“You mean ‘an excellent motorcycle’.”

Inwardly, I was thinking, “I’m screwed.”

“Benedict.”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you very much, Benedict.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“I shall pay you back somehow.”

“I get it already.”

“I cannot give you a fixed date for it at the moment, but... I will give you some sort of monetary compensation.”

“No need.”

“But...”

“I said I don’t need it.”

“Then can I count on you again another time?”

“You’re so cheeky all of a sudden.”

“Taking work efficiency into consideration, being given a ride by one of our company’s postmen is extremely helpful.”

“Aah, so that’s what this is about.”

“Yes.”

“I’ll do it if I feel like it.”

“Shoot,” I thought.

I was weak to stray dogs and cats that didn’t get too attached to people.

——There was a doll walking in the rain.

Leiden was on a shortage of rain lately, so this shower was literally a blessing. But for a postman carrying materials and letters that shouldn’t get wet by any means, it was nothing but a visitation of misfortune.

I decided it’d be best to have the lunch that I had missed rather than force myself to carry out the deliveries and fall off the motorcycle. When I walked into a café that I was well-acquainted with, I found a number of people that had taken shelter just like me.

——Good job at work, I whispered in my head to all the workers present.

I ordered a warm beverage and meal set first-thing and then went to take a seat. It wasn’t by my own request that I got a seat by the window. The waiter was the one who took the hint.

——All I have left to do is go back to the company after three more deliveries and then list the remaining ones.

Coffee was a delicious thing to drink while listening to the sound of gently falling rain.

——Speaking of which, I also gotta order the equipment that broke.

Thinking about work even when on break wasn’t a very good thing to do, but it couldn’t be helped considering the line of work of postmen. We were always pressed for time and even if we had a lot to do in one day, the amount of stuff we could handle was limited. I felt that even more keenly because I could sense from experience that my position was gradually rising within the company.

——I’ve got a lot to do. And after that... after that...

While thinking about this, I found something odd in the cityscape.

The view of Leiden was picturesque under rain. I myself liked the rain when I didn’t have to work. But no, that wasn’t it – I had spotted Violet running amidst the rain. She was holding a bag, which probably had letters in it, tight against her chest so that it wouldn’t get soaked.

I stood up from the chair without thinking. Albeit through glass, when Violet passed in front of my eyes, she also took notice of me and stopped.

Ever since I’d started giving her rides on my motorcycle, we came to a mutual understanding. That being said, she didn’t talk much, so I often called to her one-sidedly. I found out that she’d properly speak once spoken to.

“How ‘bout you take a break too?” I gesticulated.

“No, I will return to the company,” Violet replied by gesticulating too.

“That so? Thanks for the hard work.”

“Thank you for your hard work.”

When I waved, Violet waved back a little. With no facial expression, she waved her hand.

Violet’s figure then quickly disappeared from sight, and I felt that the coffee I drank after this had kind of changed in flavor. I had the feeling that it gained a strange aftertaste.

——So she can wave her hand and stuff like that.

She probably wouldn’t have done that at first. I didn’t do it either. ‘Cause, like, it was the Violet Evergarden. The girl who tried to physically lift her cheeks when Hodgins told her to “stop the deadpan in front of the customers”, and then reported that it didn’t work. The girl who described walking a distance for hours as “marching”. The girl who took action as if she’d forgotten her emotions somewhere. The girl who was always looking only at her emerald brooch, as if she had nothing else that was close to her.

A girl who didn’t seem to have a single friend.

——And yet, she waved at me.

Maybe that moment just now was a crystallization of the time Violet and I had spent together until we got to this point? That fact tickled my heart in a sort-of mushy spot. For whatever reason, I felt that this I flavor, which I had never tasted before, was coming from the coffee. The feeling wasn’t as easy to understand as what I felt for other women... Rather, it was embarrassing to say it aloud, but this was the innocent kind of deep affection that you’d feel for a fellow human being.

——Guess it’s really the kind of happiness that you feel when a stray dog starts getting attached to you.

If a woman that I was having a crush on were drenched in rain, it would’ve probably sprouted ulterior motives in me. No, if I had to pick, she was more like an underling to me, wasn’t she?

Not understanding anything about this feeling, all I could do was worry about her catching a cold.

——I’m getting soft.

Aah, as I had thought, I was screwed. Pretty screwed.

——A doll brought a little kid over and is asking for the impossible.

“I would like to go looking for Lady Isabella York.”

I was wondering if she’d started to take notice of her own charm lately. How should I put it? No, she probably hadn’t noticed it. Rather, I was the one who had taken notice of it, hence why I’d find myself thinking that.

“Please...”

Hearing her ask for a favor felt quite ticklish.

I want you to consider this. Suppose there’s a stray dog or cat that you weren’t too close to and just started getting along with, what would you think if it started crying “meow, meow” at you?

“She is my friend.”

What would you think? It’d thug the strings of your heart, wouldn’t it?

“Benedict, can I count on you?”

Our president, who had caught this disease first, immediately threw this proposal at me.

——His rationality’s faltering. Deal with it a bit more like an adult.

Hodgins was head-over-heels for Violet. No, not in a weird sense. He really looked after her as if she were his own family. Age-wise, she was too big to be a child, but since she was so childish on the inside, he wound up treating her like a daughter.

When Violet said “please” with her blue eyes staring at him, he generally couldn’t refuse. Plus, whenever she asked for a favor, it was often in situations that had quite some urgency to them, which she really couldn’t do anything about on her own and she needed help for, so denying it would be inhumane. She normally didn’t rely on anyone, which made turning her down even nastier.

——Stop; don’t look at me. Don’t turn those wet eyes towards me.

“Benedict...”

——That ain’t fair. Taylor, don’t give me that same look either.

In the end, I accepted the job, but it was a pretty daunting one.

——There’s a doll knocking on the door at three in the afternoon.

The apartment I’d been renting ever since I started living in Leidenschaftlich was sordid. One could see to some extent what kind of life a person was living if they visited said person’s room, but everything in my room made it look like a temporary home. It didn’t feel like a bedroom.

Probably because I didn’t think I’d keep on working as a postman.

All the furnishings were stuff I’d picked up, so their colors were fading away and some part of them was always dusty even if I cleaned it up. The scarce sunlight was also a bad thing. There was only one window and the curtains were always shut, so it was easy to accumulate dust.

I used to keep them properly open before, but after coming across a suspicious person in the middle of the night, I began shutting them. Not for my sake. It was for the perpetrator who might target my window again one day.

Not only did I push him off the window, I also gave chase, held him down, got on all fours to beat him to a pulp and then took him to the military police, where he had to immediately be sent to a doctor and they told me that what I had done was “overuse of self-defense”. Why was I the one who had to be told off? Honestly, this city was peaceful only in people’s heads. That wouldn’t bother my past self, but I kindly led him to the military police because I was a postman now.

To top it off, annoyingly enough, the perpetrator that I had put in critical condition apparently thought I was a woman. I certainly didn’t have bad looks, but that was a stretch, yeah? He should’ve taken a look at my shoulder width.

“Benedict.”

Anyway, well, this apartment wasn’t very good. I had nothing to worry about if I were attacked, but the memory that I kinda got scared and stayed in Hodgins’s apartment for a while remained with me.

“Benedict, it is past the arranged time.”

So there was no helping that I had no idea what time it was now. I kept my curtains shut, after all. I couldn’t tell if it was sunny or dark outside.

“It is past midday. Already three o’clock.”

The day after I got wasted was a holiday, so there was no helping that I couldn’t wake up. Right?

“Benedict, may I break the door in order to check for your life signals?”

Being asked for drastic measures, I jumped from my bed and headed to the front door. When I opened it, what I saw was a woman with golden hair that shone more than mine, like the Full Moon, and blue eyes of a shade deeper than my own.

“Violet...”

Violet Evergarden. She was an Auto-Memories Doll from the same company as myself.

We sometimes interacted at work, but her visiting my home was a first. It was pretty sunny outside and Violet looked like she could be turned into a beautiful painting with such a stunning afternoon scenery behind her.

She didn’t have bad looks either, just like me.

“What’re you doing?” I asked with my face flushed from drinking and my voice a bit hoarse, causing the slightest bit of chance to Violet’s lack of facial expression. She frowned a little.

“We had an arrangement.”

“What kind?”

“Choosing a gift for President Hodgins.”

“Is it his birthday?”

“No. Had we not decided to give him a gift during the banquet that will be held on the anniversary of the CH Postal Company?”

We might have. When she said that, I had the feeling we did.

I fell silent for a moment and dug up my memories. Violet patiently waited for me while I stayed quiet.

“Wait, I really can’t remember. What kind of promise did I make about this?”

Violet’s eyebrows curved downward this time. Having spent some time with her, I could tell that this was Violet’s “sad”. Moreover, she definitely would never say that she was sad, so the feeling would just be absorbed inside of her without her ever speaking up about it. Crying like a pipe wasn’t her character. She wouldn’t whine, either. That was exactly why she stimulated my sense of guilt.

After a short interval, Violet opened her mouth, “Yesterday, we spent dinnertime together.”

“Now that you mentioned it, we were. We rarely do that. I have the feeling I was the one who invited you.”

“Yes. It was just dinnertime, after all... We went to a place that served alcoholic beverages, but I accompanied you because one can both drink and eat there.”

“I feel that we... ordered a spicy seafood soup together.”

“It was fiery.”

“While we were eating... that’s right, I was drinking.”

“You were. According to the owner of the establishment, the amount that you drank was too large for an adult to consume in one day.”

“You didn’t have to add that.”

With her long, golden eyelashes bending down, Violet said, “Albeit with slurred speech, Benedict, you were talking about how grateful you were for every single day.”

My brows furrowed at the statement of the woman in front of me.

“You were grateful to President Hodgins for taking you in as a postman. I am grateful to him in a similar way. Most likely... what people call ‘companionship’... happened between us for a moment... and we discussed about the two of us giving him a present on the upcoming anniversary.”

“You’re kidding.”

“It is true.”

“You and me? Gratitude? Companionship?”

If anyone else were telling me this, I’d be sure that it was made up.

“Gratitude and companionship towards President Hodgins.”

But this woman was the one saying it with her skylark voice, so I could do nothing but believe it. Because there weren’t many people in my life – and most likely in all of Leidenschaftlich – who were as diligent and straight-laced as her.

——They say there are people who can’t live if not like this.

There were bound to be easier ways to live, but she couldn’t manage them. Therefore, she also couldn’t lie.

I urged her to continue with a “go on”.

“I asked you what would be good as a gift for President Hodgins. You receive a salary, thus something compatible with it would be in order. But Benedict, you said you were running out of money.”

“Sounds like something I’d say.”

“I then suggested a compromise plan, in which both of us would give money and buy something together. We also settled on a time to meet. Three o’clock on the next day... literally this very moment. Benedict, you drank quite a lot, so I brought you over to this residence once we left the bar.”

“You brought me here?!” my voice came out alarmed.

Violet was making a face that seemed to ask if there was a problem with that. I was an adult man.

“I did. Compared to heavy weaponry, you are as light as a feather.”

This former girl soldier’s prosthetic arms and tough body were terrifying.

“However, leaving aside the fact that I carried you, Benedict, when I saw you languidly stretched out like a snake, I expressed concern that you might not manage to get up the next day. You confirmed my concerns and said that you wanted me to come fetch you. I acknowledged this, put it to action, and now here we are.”

In that moment, I had a sudden thought.

“Haha.” When I realized it, I found myself laughing.

“Benedict, this is not the time to laugh.”

“No, I gotta.”

“This is not the time to laugh.”

——No, I gotta laugh, Violet. We’ve gotten really close.

We spent time together day after day. Each of those times, my emotions would gush forth.

“Violet, you’ve been coming back home through some weird road again, haven’t you?”

“Violet, don’t report my fails to Hodgins.”

“Violet, you know why Cattleya’s pissed?”

“Violet, look, it’s my new motorcycle.”

“Violet, put on a coat when if you get cold.”

“Violet, why do you make decisions without asking anyone’s opinion?”

“Violet, help me clean the desk.”

“Violet, that’s inefficient. Take the routes I taught you.”

“Violet, that’s unfair.”

“Violet, I had a weird dream yesterday. Do you dream?”

“Violet, I’m gonna take a nap, so wake me up when Cattleya arrives.”

“Violet, I found an umbrella repair shop. I’ll take you there so hop on.”

“Violet, did you hear? Looks like that bakery’s gone out of business.”

“Violet, you didn’t get a souvenir for me?”

“Violet, if you got anything that’s troubling you, just say it. Count on me.”

“Violet, Violet, Violet.”

“Violet.”

——There’s a dool looking at herself in the entrance hall’s gigantic mirror.

Leidenschaftlich’s national flower was the bougainvillea. White, pink, colorful bougainvilleas bloomed under the clear sky, tinting the city in a myriad of hues. She was repeatedly putting on and taking off a hat that had said flowers as patterns.

“You ready?”

When I spoke to her, Violet turned around. “Yes.”

Having grown up considerably from the time we had first met, she couldn’t be called a girl anymore. Still, the Violet who used to be helplessly lonely would stay in my heart forever and ever. The Violet who kept on living despite being at loss. The Violet who hopelessly chased after just one person, like an idiot. I was watching her the whole time. Watching from the side.

“Isn’t it fine that way?”

When I said this, Violet nodded in agreement and put the hat back on.

We were about to go to a wedding ceremony now. A very happy one at that – a marriage between our co-workers from the CH Postal Company.

The romance between one of the receptionists and my junior postman was something that took quite some time and had its detours. They kept failing to see each other, so the people around them had given up, thinking it wouldn’t be possible...

But the guy found his resolve and held up the woman.

I’d also been watching over the progress of their love for pretty long, so I was sincerely glad that it had bloomed. The one who thought so most keenly was probably Hodgins. As proof of that, all posts had ceased service at three o’clock today. We all headed to one of Leiden’s luxury hotels to hold a feast.

Hodgins seemed moved by the fact that a couple had been born at the company he had built and by today’s event, in which they were even going to get married. Therefore, everyone was to participate. Adjusting the schedules was a hassle.

We were the only ones left in the office till the last minute. After closing the front doors and hanging a “closed for today” sign, we had to get ready to go.

No riding the motorcycle today. There was a carriage waiting for us outside.

Dressing up to attend a wedding with her and stuff like that...

——Now it feels just right.

I no longer had that hesitation from the beginning and taking care of her completely fulfilled my reason for living. As for Violet, her way of dealing with me became cruder with each year.

“How do you escort someone again?”

“Bend your arm. I will place my arm around it.”

“Can’t we just hold hands?”

“We should not incite misunderstandings.”

“That wouldn’t happen with you and me. C’mon, let’s hold hands just to test it out.”

“Why?”

“‘S fine, ‘s fine.”

The two of us stood tentatively in front of the enormous mirror. And then we held hands. The pair of blue-eyed blondes were side by side harmoniously.

“Whoa.”

“What do you mean by ‘whoa’?”

“We really do look like siblings when we’re next to each other, huh.”

Golden hair and blue irises. Different shades, but still similar.

At first, it was someone who mentioned it, and after they had said it, I thought it could be true.

“You probably think so because our hair and eye colors are alike. Is this enough? I am letting go,” Violet said, but I squeezed her hand even tighter.

Don’t know why but I wanted to do so.

“Benedict.”

“This doesn’t mean anything weird.”

There was something I was thinking about today. A statement I wanted to make.

“Violet.”

——You remember how many times we rode on my motorcycle? I don’t remember anymore. First times keep piling up little by little, to the point where they stop being special and turn into an everyday thing. When these things are part of daily life, they’re so in our face that we don’t realize it, but in a corner of my head, I’m at least aware that they’re not gonna last forever. We’re just co-workers at a company. I’m a man and you’re a woman. But it’s not like we’re in love. It’s not like we can be a family, either.

“Hey, if you ever get married, make sure to give me a proper heads-up.”

——But don’t simply start acting like I never existed.

“Why...?”

“It’s fine, ain’t it? Got nothing to lose by that.”

——Even if that time comes for you and you disappear from my sight one day, don’t act like I was never there.

“I merely do not think this would ever happen...”

“You can’t know for sure, yeah?”

——I’m actually not the kind of guy who concerns himself so much with someone else. I’m a guy who doesn’t warm up. I ain’t bad at looking after people, but to tell the truth, I’m not sympathetic. I’m not Hodgins. Basically, my top priority is myself. You changed me. I used to have no interest in you. You didn’t matter to me. For me, you were no more than one of the characters who turned up in my life. But you make a difference. A lot of difference. That’s probably why I changed, but it’s so stupid. Nowadays, if fate ever happens to beat you up or if there’s ever a time when God knocks you out, I don’t mind stepping forward and getting hit by either of them in your place. Violet. It wasn’t fun seeing you looking miserable and hanging your head low. It wasn’t fun hearing the details about your past. It wasn’t fun watching you get jerked around by the ghost of just one person. It wasn’t fun when you tried to be an adult while staying an unhappy child. There might be people like you around the world. Yet you were especially boring. God hated you. But now you’re the most amusing fellow ever, who managed to change herself. Your actions definitely changed people, one by one. I saw it all. I was proper witness to it, Violet Evergarden.

“You did your best. So when there’s an important event in your life, I’m gonna see it through no matter what.”

I thought Violet was going to be quiet like usual, but she was staring intently at me. Her silence wasn’t painful anymore.

I could feel her hand, which I was grabbing one-sidedly, grasping mine back. The pain of it was a proof of trust.

——Your prosthetics are strong.

“All right...” Violet whispered nothing but that.

But just that was enough.

“It is... about time we take our leave.”

“True.”

In the end, we forgot about the escorting and walked off still holding hands. After we locked the door, everything was closed.

The carriage’s cab was waiting reverently. Hodgins’s thoughtfulness could be go too far at times, but this was just perfect.

“Hum, I have been thinking.”

“About what?”

“We cannot know... what the future has in store...”

“Yeah.”

“So, Benedict, will you also report to me when you marry?”

“Nah, it’d be too much work, so maybe I wouldn’t tell you anything.”

“Why...? Did you not say that there was nothing to lose from it?”

“Oh, you got complaints?”

“I do not. I merely pointed out a contradiction in the conversation.”

“Lies. You do. It’s written on your face.”

“I am merely pointing out a contradiction in the conversation.”

“Like me lots, don’t ya?”

“I am merely pointing out a contradiction in the conversation.”

“You being shy?”

“I am not.”

“Are too. Don’t hide it.”

——God, even if You hate her, she’s so dear to me that I can’t help myself. Leave her alone.

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Violet Evergarden: Booklet 5

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There was noon on that day.

Isabella York and the Spring Sunshine Filtered Through Leaves

—Cloudy day with soft breeze.

I have early mornings and late nights in me. Hardly any noon.

In the morning, while listlessly getting up, I make sure to live my life hoping that something will begin. Nothing ever happens, but even then, I live while thinking, “Today’s definitely gonna be the day.” In general, that’s how my days are.

Noon is literally a eulogy in my life. It’s when I feel happy being around people, having fun and wanting to savor that moment forever and ever, wishing for it to last an eternity. Like, “O time, do stop. Everything is so beautiful and precious.”

At night, I’m distressed. Anything that catches my eyes is a nuisance and I want to destroy it all. I feel irritated and filled with a desire for ruin, wanting to hurry and end this life of mine, to disappear like popping bubbles. “You, and you too – be gone,” I’d wish.

My life is just morning and night. I’ve only had a taste of noon a handful of times.

My life already had intense ups and downs in the first place. I didn’t have a father ever since I was born and my mother was murdered by a thug. I, a weak living creature that was supposed to be protected, grew up without any protection... until my body completely developed into one that could no longer be considered a child’s. After a repetition of so many nights, I arrived at my current self.

Amy Bartlett.

Isabella York.

And now, I had yet another surname.

There’s only night going on inside me. Both my life and my emotions are too much of a mess. I’ve never once attempted to give them a clean form.

This world that was so unkind to me should disappear.

But once I came to know noon, I found myself thinking that maybe I’ll get to bathe in sunlight one more time. That I might experience another beautiful moment. What an idiot I am. I’m sure it’s never gonna happen again.

These are my morning records as I wait for noon.

—Loudly whistling winds, sunny.

I’ve grown used to writing on this diary, but come to think of it, I haven’t written down the reason why I started using it. I also have to write stuff to read over again someday, after I turn into an old lady.

I got a diary with a lock to celebrate my birthday. Getting a diary as a gift was something unsettling to react to. Maybe because I only had dicey feelings for the person who gave it to me.

Who the dicey person is? The one who plays the role of my spouse: my honorable husband.

By the looks of it, he was deeply sorry for forgetting my birthday.

The man who performs the role of my husband is from a family worthy of someone like “Isabella York”. He’s supposedly a diligent and prudent spouse, who received a high-grade education and is far apart from me in age.

That aside, is he stupid or something?

I often ask myself this question in regards to that old man, despite how sorry I feel about it. I have to laugh.

My birthday was two months ago, dear husband. You were far too late.

Besides, I’m not the type to faithfully keep a diary. If you knew me better, you wouldn’t have thought of giving me one.

Let’s see... if it were my little sister, she would’ve given me colorful wildflowers. Decorating the dinner table with them might not fill up my stomach, but looking at them would make me feel at ease.

If it were my violet blossom, she surely would’ve given me ribbons to tie my hair with. After all, she always arranged my hair for me. Ever so smoothly, with her artificial fingers – she was such a skilled person.

Honestly, if I were to receive anything from the only two women I’ve ever loved, I’d be overjoyed even if they just gave me a tuft of grass from somewhere in the area.

That he was the one who gave me this diary was probably a big factor as to why I couldn’t be sincerely happy about it. That’s what I thought after self-analyzing this subtle feeling.

But, well, he didn’t have any bad intentions. The fact that he had gifted me with a diary of beautiful biding, in spite of not knowing what to buy for the much younger girl who played the role of his wife, was proof of his effort. He had already purchased clothes and jewelry for me at the time of our marriage, and he probably thought that this would be suitable of a gloomy girl who was always secluded in her bedroom at the estate. In any case, I would’ve preferred a book.

My honorable husband only acts as a spouse whenever he suddenly remembers to do so. In a way, he must have a feeling of obligation for taking me as his bride.

He locks his own wife up in the mansion and lets a lover whom he’s apparently had since before our marriage frequent his home. His barely existing conscience probably hurt because of that.

You don’t have to mind me, though. I don’t care about you either.

We both sold our souls in exchange for something. He got himself a bloodline of nobility and connections. And I got myself a means to protect the little girl whom I love most in the world. The two of us sealed a contract because there were things that we wanted. If I were to say it, we’re a pair that managed to get their hands on something even at the cost of our own souls.

We just happen to have one thing in common, but we don’t like each other in the slightest. We can never be a couple.

That, we already know.

I call my husband “old man” in my head and I think he’s probably nicknamed me “shitty brat” in his. We don’t get along. We were also raised in different ways. Our conversations don’t mesh.

When passing each other, we confirmed our respective intentions. As in, “It doesn’t seem that we’ll grow to like each other at all. If that’s how it is, then why don’t we become a make-pretend couple, plain and simple?”

We didn’t have to make any effort to love one another. We just had to coexist. That was the only point we agreed on.

Still, I wonder if wanting to keep appearances is a thing for aristocratic men.

The result of what he came up with as a gift for his wife and accomplice was a diary. Old man, there must’ve been something a bit better than that... like a book. A book would’ve been fine. I’d rather have a book.

Regardless, I had experienced growing up in poverty until a certain point, so I never want to let anything go to waste. Therefore, I’m here secluded in my bedroom, pen in hand.

My husband also gave me a peacock feather pen. I like this one. The ink is a pretty blue. A stunning blue. Blue like the eyes of a certain beauty. My favorite color.

Speaking of which, it’s been quite a while since I last wrote her a letter, I think.

Violet. Violet Evergarden.

When writing it in blue ink, the name becomes even more beautiful.

My violet blossom. My maid. My secret Auto-Memories Doll. My friend.

She’s probably forgotten about me already. I’m hopeless right now. I can’t write any letters.

I haven’t replied to her even though it’s my turn, so no new letters from Violet have arrived either. Ever since I got married, I’ve had no idea what to write about.

Maybe because I didn’t want her to find out how I was now.

Of course I wouldn’t. I don’t want to let the girl I like know how my married life is going. I don’t want her to learn that I married someone I’m not in love with or that I’m suffering.

“S’up, Violet. I’m doing horribly.” – What would I gain from writing her something like that?

Aah, Taylor. I want to see you.

But that’s impossible, isn’t it? I get it.

—Warm day with gentle breeze.

Quite a few days have passed since the last time I wrote here. I feel a tad amused whenever I reread this thing, so I guess I’m gonna keep doing it for a little while.

I tried going out into the garden for a bit today.

I usually don’t step out of my room. I even ask for my meals to be brought to my bedroom. When my husband comes over, we eat together at times in order to keep appearances, but the air around us feels like a father and daughter who have been estranged for many years while reminiscing to their home, so we avoid each other.

It was a warm day, so the wind felt nice. It’s not as great as the academy’s rose garden, but this mansion’s garden is beautiful too.

I remembered that I’m living a life in which I don’t have to touch the earth, so I tentatively grabbed a fistful of it. I would’ve switched over to a good mood if nobody had talked to me just like that... but after I spent a while staring intently at the flower beds, the gardener showed up.

“Madam, please look as much as you wish. If there is anything wrong, I shall fix it,” the gardener said, looking serious and nervous.

Is there such a thing as fixing or not fixing when it comes to gardens? It’s fine the way it is.

The silence was painful. I asked him a question because there was a flower that I was curious about, and perhaps he was happy about this, as he excitedly started giving me a specialist-like explanation on it. “Crap,” I thought. He was a chatterbox.

It’s at times like these that I can truly feel I don’t like dealing with people. Whenever I have to listen to someone talking non-stop, I feel like I’m being used as an outlet for something. I should just hear them out and have fun with it. But I find myself suffocated and wanting to run away instead.

As I kept on nodding with a strained smile, the elderly butler who manages the estate gave me a chance to cut the talk short since my tea was ready.

The gardener seemed down. He was young, so he probably wanted someone to compliment his work. I left the garden, went to my room and, after drinking the tea that was prepared for me, I thought at last, “I should’ve praised him more.”

Most likely, that’s what my real job is. After all, on the surface, I’m the lady of this mansion.

Even though I have such a problematic and unlikeable personality, that girl actually spent three months with me.

After drinking the tea, I decided to dance waltz by myself for a little bit.

—Stuffy winds, cloudy.

I met up with my husband. Apparently, he came to pick up some luggage.

Rather than meeting up with him, I guess I should say that he charged in, since I was in my room.

He asked me if I was doing well, to which I answered with an “I’m alive”. He asked if I wanted to go back home, to which I answered with a “no”. He asked me if I wasn’t going to my ex-schoolmates’ salon party, to which I answered that I wasn’t. He asked me if there wasn’t anything I needed, to which I answered that there wasn’t.

When he asked me what my favorite color was, I recalled Violet’s eyes. I said that it was blue, and he asked me why. When I told him that it was the eye color of the person I like, my husband forcefully tried to hold me in his arms and I vehemently resisted.

Since this was so sudden, I ended up coughing and everything I had eaten that afternoon spilled out of my mouth. It was then that my husband finally pulled himself together.

“If you come any closer, I’ll throw puke at you.” – This phrase also worked against him.

It seems my husband had a fight with his mistress. But did he have to try to lay a hand on the person he had mutually confirmed that he wouldn’t fall for, after both of us had decided to live however we wanted? This is why I don’t get men.

Actually, it’s not because he’s a man. I’m sure this person is a lost cause. He’s just like how I used to be in that he thinks it’s okay to harm other people if he’s unhappy.

Aah, this pisses me off. Running off to another woman just because your girlfriend is giving you the cold shoulder – I really don’t like that kind of thing. This isn’t love. He doesn’t have enough faith in his lover. I feel bad for her.

My husband endured it apparently quite well as I said lots of honestly nasty things to him, and then left the room. As for me, I cried while cleaning up the stuff I had vomited.

I want to see Taylor.

I want to spend my time only with someone that I can cherish.

—Rain after a cloudy day, no wind.

It’s raining today.

Since it was a rainy day, I had to brush Taylor’s hair thoroughly with my hands. Her hair is beautifully curly, but that’s a problem on days like these.

I was so sleepy. But there was work to be done, so I had no spare time in the morning. I had to get up and brush Taylor’s hair.

That’s what I was thinking when I opened my eyes. I looked for that curly-haired little girl for a moment, but couldn’t find her.

I’m an idiot, so I seriously looked for her for about thirty seconds. Could it be she had gone outside on her own?

If she ran into a kidnapper, she’d be done for – I had to do something, I thought as I jumped off the bed. That’s when I suddenly realized.

Taylor isn’t here.

Are you stupid, Isabella? You’re Isabella now, aren’t you? You’re not Amy anymore. Taylor isn’t with you either. She hasn’t been for the longest time now, so why did you think that? Why did you look for her? Even if you were half-awake, this shouldn’t have happened.

Unable to do anything about this emptiness and sadness that I couldn’t tell anyone about, I punched my pillow hard. “Ugh, ah, aaah, uugh...” I hit it really, really hard, several times. “Uuuugh, ah, ugh...” Each time I punched it, my tears splattered on the sheets.

This happens sometimes. I feel as if people who are no longer with me and sights I can no longer see are still here even now. It’s like an illusion.

The memories engraved into my body had me looking for my tiny little sister.

Is Taylor also seeing this rain? Is it also raining where Taylor lives?

I wonder where Taylor is living. Does she get to have breakfast over there? Do they feed her dinner there too?

Does anyone brush Taylor’s hair on rainy days?

As the tears trickled down, I looked out the window. A thunder rumbled, startling me and making me fall onto my butt on the carpet.

The lightning should’ve struck this place instead. If it had and if that caused terrible problems to this mansion, I would’ve felt a bit better.

I had this fantasy for the whole day.

—Damp air, cloudy after sunny weather.

I had stomachache today, so I went to the toilet all the time. I think about this whenever I get my period, but why does it have to be such a harsh mechanism? If I were the God who created all things, would I make a mechanism like this? Plus, it’s questionable whether I need this function or not. Probably not. I want someone to take it off me. Actually, I’m scared of taking it off.

Anyway, I don’t like pain. I’m weak to it. I get teary-eyed just from my constant coughing. It’s so painful that I can’t help it.

I didn’t want to associate that with my period, but no matter what, I’d find myself thinking about the family heir. A problem imposed on us, the make-pretend married couple. It’s still shelved, though.

If only my father died, we’d probably manage to trick everyone else with a child that my husband could sire with some other girl. We had to either make it look like I was the one who gave birth to them or adopt them.

The options were many.

I like kids, so I’m confident that I can raise even a stranger’s child with care, but I’d feel bad for them. As expected, it’s best for them to be with their real mother. I’m not necessary when it comes to that kind of thing, but I’m indispensable for my husband’s life plan, so there would be no divorce.

After writing up to this point, I was horrified to realize that I was thinking of children as a “device”.

Stop, stop – off with everything you just thought. People like me exist as a result of parents not thinking about their kids. What would a victim get by turning into an aggressor?

Just as I thought, let’s leave this shelved.

Even though my everyday consisted of just mornings, noon might come at some point. There were two women in my life who had taught me this.

Things will work themselves out one day.

Aah, for starters, it would’ve been great if I weren’t even a person... but rather, like, something that could be divided. If I were a thing whose feelings would interfere less with reproduction, and if it weren’t a physically heavy burden, I might’ve been able to give it a thought.

Geez, getting attacked by my husband last time had quite an impact on me, huh. “I’m fine; this is fine,” is what I told myself.

But actually, nothing about getting hurt is fine.

—Crescent Moon day, cloudy with intense winds.

I had a terrible time.

Is there anybody who finds delight in this sort of thing? I’m not having any fun with it at all.

How should I put it? Scandals, gossip. That kind of stuff.

The incident was unbefitting of such a quiet mansion.

As for what happened, it seems the gardener who works in this estate and one of my maids were making out in my husband’s room. My husband let his lover hang around his home and didn’t come back too often, so the two probably had their guard low.

I’ve been there a few times; it’s a room with a unique atmosphere – the all-black furnishings are very, very beautiful and animal mounts are placed around, waiting for their never-returning master. I can’t say that it’s an ideal place for a young couple to meet in secret, but it did have the mood. And a sense of guilty pleasure too. They probably found enjoyment in having several dates in my husband’s room.

I can’t say it was a good thing. That’s for certain. But the two who had done it weren’t far from me in age. They were too young. I wish he’d forgiven them with just a strict rebuke.

But from the conclusion we had, my husband got furious and went on a rampage.

Apparently, he came home by chance and happened to walk into the duo’s rendezvous. His angry yelling reverberated all the way to my room. So did the sound of breaking furniture. It was terrifying.

Men’s yelling is one of the things I hate. Violence is another.

And it got worse from there.

It was quiet after a while and then it seemed someone was opening the mansion’s gates, so I looked outside the window. Even though the nightly wind was so cold, the pair was chased out without being allowed to even take their belongings with them. The gates were closed without mercy, and they stood trembling outside of the estate, unable to move.

My husband must’ve been tremendously furious. I could understand why. It’s tough having people do something like that in your bedroom. I wouldn’t have liked it either. But I couldn’t sympathize with him.

Even if he could get rid of his anger by kicking them out, what was going to happen to the two? What happens to the ones kicked out without a single penny on them? Should they become beggars? Become thieves? Get killed by thieves? They might have to sell their bodies to either of these.

He couldn’t imagine such a future. Even if he could, he didn’t care. Well, of course he didn’t. My husband never had a hard time growing up, after all.

I wanted to give him retaliation.

That’s what I had in mind, for some reason. Rather than it being out of irritation towards my husband, it was closer to irritation towards things like fate, God and this world, who only ever thought of messing me up, as always.

What did I do the last time I got mad beyond any help? I took in a little girl, who should be made the happiest one in the world, as my younger sister.

That’s why I put myself to motion.

I really only hesitated for an instant, and immediately after walking away from the window, I went to the rooms where the help slept and had them take out the couple’s belongings. Everyone seemed appalled that the mysterious new wife, who barely talked ever since she had arrived at the estate, was suddenly exerting such ability to take action.

After taking their belongings, I went out not through the mansion’s front gate but through the back door and walked along a narrow path in the darkness for a little bit. Sure enough, I found the duo at loss, sobbing quietly.

“What do we do?”

“We shouldn’t have done that.”

They were crying while holding hands. Rather than them being drunk on their own tragedy, it was truly a tragic scene.

“Hey, you. You forgot this. Take it,” I called to them, handing over their luggage.

“Madam, is that you?”

“That’s right.”

“Hum, we are deeply sorry for...”

“I’m not looking for an apology.”

Maybe I should have given them some money, but unfortunately, I didn’t have anything, so I gave them the beautifully carved hair ornament that I was wearing, which I had received as a wedding gift, as well as the jewelry from my clothes. I also tore out the pretty buttons. If they sold them, they could earn enough travel expenses to some extent.

The two were in shock.

“Hum, this is really you, isn’t it, Madam?”

“Don’t ask the same thing over and over.”

“Why are you doing this?” they asked, to which I shrugged.

“I thought you’d need it.”

“Even though we did something inexcusable in your home?”

“You sure did. Still, this dangerous way of driving someone out is just... cruel.”

“But—”

“It’s not like you killed anyone, so I at least have to give you your stuff. I apologize in place of my husband,” I said plainly, yet the guy was crying quite a lot.

There was actually one more motive. Yes, o afflicted youths. There was another reason why I saved you.

Why had I done it? Well...

——Because no one’s ever going to save me.

Probably nobody knew, but I wanted someone to save me all the time. Couldn’t they tell? It was the truth. I always wanted to be saved. I needed saving. Or else I might end up hanging myself one of these days. I wanted someone to save me before this happened.

——Somebody save me. Somebody save me. Somebody save me.

I was lonely, desolate and feeling like I was going to die. But no one was going to help me.

I had no one to hold my hand through this dark path.

Therefore, I was going to do for other people the things that nobody would do for me. All of it. That was my logic. My revenge against God.

I’d been doing this for a long time. In the past, I picked up a little girl. I made her my sister.

I didn’t dare say it aloud, but I was making racket in my mind. Offering a helping hand to foolish lovers was an encouragement that I could give precisely because I knew poverty.

“Do you have a place to go?”

“I’m thinking of taking her with me to my hometown.”

“What about the train tickets?”

“If we sell what you gave us... we can probably...”

“Money converters take advantage of people, so you can’t sell it based on asking what the price is. Listen up. You’re going to protect her. If you get attacked by anyone, no matter how scary they are, don’t turn away on this girl.”

“Madam, what are you?” he asked dreadfully and I sneered in the darkness.

“I’m Isabella York. I have a different surname now, though.”

We talked about all sorts of things and that was the end of it, so I wondered if those two managed to reach his hometown safely.

—Humid wind, rain.

The sun came upon the estate today.

Amy Bartlett became Isabella York, Isabella got some other surname, and after changing quite a lot from when I was born until now, I arrived at my current self. But there was one thing that never changed. The fact that my bronchi were as weak as ever.

While receiving treatment, I’d think about heaven and hell. They’re essentially different places, but might be similar once you get used to them. Of course, the attributes granted to the two and how they’re viewed are complete opposites. But what I mean to say is that, once you get accustomed to something, your line of thought will grow numb and you’ll end up accepting it.

That’s resistance. One of the abilities bestowed upon human beings. A wonderful one at that.

As to why I was thinking about this, it’s because the estate’s doctor gave me a sermon.

“Lady Isabella, please be careful not to take too much medicine.”

The doctor who always gave me bronchial medicine told me about drug resistance. Apparently, if one kept on taking the same medicine, their body would get used to it and the medicine would begin not to work very well. He told me that overdosing mustn’t happen and it was bad to drink the medicine constantly, even when I was feeling okay, just because I was anxious. I couldn’t look at the doctor in the eye out of shame, so I was staring at the lint of his sweater the whole time.

“You shouldn’t become dependent on it.” Words that hurt my ears kept on coming. “You’re the only one who can heal your body and the medicine is nothing but assistance for that. It is common for people with lung illnesses to be depressed...”

——Shut up; be quiet.

“Go outside, take a walk or attend someone’s salon party, Lady Isabella. Being at home all day is unhealthy.”

——You don’t know anything. You don’t know anything.

“You have already graduated and become a fine married woman, so making use of your social status to get around would do you good.”

——Don’t spout nonsense. This body will always be a prison.

“If you go on like this, you won’t live long.”

——Who said I want to live long?

Who said I wanted to live a long life? I hadn’t said that even once. If anyone told me to die right now, though, I’d end up crying.

The doctor hadn’t done anything wrong, yet I wound up cursing him in my head because I didn’t have anyone else to take my anger out on. It might’ve showed in my attitude too. I was deeply sorry for that.

In order to show the doctor my gratitude, apology included, I went outside to see him off.

It was the first time in a while that I came outside of the mansion. There was the whole deal with the gardener, who was now gone, and my husband had tried to assault me, so I was a tad too disturbed by a lot of things and couldn’t take a single step out of the estate.

After watching the doctor board a carriage, I immediately went back into the mansion, but for just an instant, I saw someone with blond hair that resembled Violet’s in the distance, so I stopped on the spot.

It really felt only for a second that the person resembled her, and the magic soon dispelled. Upon a closer look, it was a man, which made me snicker at myself for reacting so out of proportion just because his hair was blond.

—Quiet breeze, cold then hot weather.

I was told that not to sunbathing during the day was bad for the body, so I decided to go out because there was nothing else I could do. But I didn’t want the people who live around here to see me. Hiding my face under a parasol, I went to not very popular locations in order to see seasonal flowers and natural greenery. I only ever felt depressed when I was in the mansion, so this made things a little better for me.

The parasol almost got blown away whenever the winds gusted with a rumble. Couldn’t the wind take me along? No one would be sad if I lost my life.

I want to vanish off to somewhere.

—Thick air, lukewarm temperatures.

I’ve been thinking this whole time about the “resistance” that the doctor told me about a while ago.

What happens to people when they don’t have resistance? They’d die in the winter from cold and they’d also die in summer from the heat. They can die even from the smallest disease or a tiny injury.

Well, what I mean is resistance must be an ability that people were equipped with in order to survive in all sorts of living environments.

Both happiness and unhappiness become commonplace when they’re part of daily life. There are many things that you can’t endure if you don’t have resistance. And at the same time, when you have resistance, you become insensitive towards all sorts of things.

In the past, I could only be sad or happy with what I received each day. When the pain that the world gives you becomes your everyday life, you start thinking that this can’t be changed. Maybe it’s the same with happiness. When a wonderful day becomes your daily life, it turns into a normal day.

When you get separated from someone, you finally understand. Things like, “Aah, so I was pitiful?” or, “Aah, so I was blessed?”

Once you’re able to see things from an objective viewpoint, you recognize it at last. It’s something that you can’t tell when you’re in the turmoil. Because you have resistance against it. Therefore, it was after I became Isabella York and was later removed from the York name to become the madam of some other family that I realized it.

“Aah, those days were irreplaceable.”

My life will probably end in this mansion, but if I were to see it flashing before my eyes in my last moments, it’s not this place that I would remember. I’d recall my most beloved little sister and the woman that I had declared my first love to.

I’d reminisce to sharing with my little sister a soup containing nothing but vegetable waste, to sleeping with her in my arms on cold days and to the fact that she, who could only speak incoherent words, called me “Big Sis”. Just these kinds of things. And also that I had danced with the most beautiful girl ever at the academy’s ball. That’s it.

During those times, those days, I was extremely fortunate. I’m only realizing that now, even though so much time has passed since I lost them.

Anyway, it’s been really hard lately. I feel that my resistance is weakening. Resistance to sadness, that is. It’s weakening. Everything is painful. Suffocating.

I want help. Do people live with this much loneliness?

I was supposed to be used to sadness, wasn’t I? And to being alone.

When my mom died. When I had to let Taylor go. When I waved goodbye to the girl I liked. I was sad in all of these times.

You’re used to it, right? Endure it.

Give me some resistance, God.

I want to have no emotions. I don’t need feelings.

Give me resistance to keep living even if I’m alone. Otherwise, God, at least please tell me that Taylor is happy.

With just these news, I can do my best until I die.

——It’s so hard; I’m so sad.

Today was rainy.

——I’m lonely.

Today was sunny.

——I’m so, so bored.

Today was cloudy.

——My coughs have been terrible and there’s blood coming out.

Today was sunny.

——Nobody touch me, nobody touch me.

Today was sunny and occasionally rainy.

——It’s morning now.

It was morning inside me too.

——There won’t be any noon.

Today was rainy.

——It rained inside me too.

Today was... Today was... Today was...

——What about tomorrow?

Tomorrow and after tomorrow. The next day and the day after that.

I was going to be lonely forever, wasn’t I?

Nothing good ever happened. The light of the sun never shone on me. Morning simply went on. There was no meaning to this if noon wouldn’t come.

Why was I alive?

If I was just going to have mornings of contemplating my dreams, then it was meaningless. If no beautiful moments were ever going to happen, what was my purpose for being alive? What was my drive for wanting to be alive? What sights did I want to see?

As though I were having a dream, today, tomorrow, forever. Forever. Forever. Forever.

Noon wasn’t going to come, was it?

—Pretty sunny day with warm winds.

A letter arrived.

I’m properly writing on the diary for the first in a long time.

That marvelous young man. The one who had blond hair and blue eyes like Violet. He brought me a letter from Taylor. He’s a postman from the CH Postal Company, the post office where Violet works. Violet hasn’t sent me letters all this time, yet she remembered me and my sister, and she cared!

That girl escaped from the orphanage by herself, I heard. What a surprise. She’s already grown to a point where she can do something like that. Aah, I wonder whom that recklessness of hers takes after. Gotta be me, I guess.

What do I do? What do I do? I’m already happy just from the fact that she was looking for me.

Yet she sent me a letter. She wants to see me. To think that something so wonderful would happen in my life – aah, what do I do? I’m crying as I write this. There’s tearstains splattered all over.

I wonder if she’ll come see me one day, when she’s an adult.

It kinda feels like time had stopped all along until now. So good things do happen, huh. I was merely resisting every day, patient and firm.

My heart had burst and I was about to discard myself just like that. Aah, aah, but...

If I live, there will be days when noon will come, huh, Taylor?

With time, both the world and I would grow old.

My field of vision, which only ever looked around with a cold gaze, would change its color, and little by little, the number of things that mattered to me would increase, as well as the number of things that I didn’t need. Even so, I would shoulder it all and live. Live, live and live.

Along the course of my life, I’d have days like this.

According to the blond, blue-eyed “deliverer of happiness”, who was now completely familiar with me and had a key position in his company, today was apparently the day that she would gain independence. It was his command that she be entrusted with deliveries specifically designated to me.

I was grateful for that. I ended up indebted to him for a lifetime. It would be great if I could pay him back someday.

Ever since I received these news, I couldn’t stay put, so I was outside since morning.

It was the morning of a peaceful spring day. Still a little bit chilly. With a shawl over my shoulders, I quivered.

At the back of the mansion, I was waiting for my destiny.

——Other than my violet blossom, you’re the only person that I want to forever keep waiting for.

After a while, amidst the unchanging natural scenery, I could see your beautifully changed figure. Mounted on a motorcycle, you showed up dashingly.

——Aah, but you’ve grown up so beautiful. You’ve grown up strong. I heard about it. You couldn’t memorize the names of the towns at all, huh. And even now, you get scolded because your handwriting is a mess. You haven’t fixed your habit of avoiding veggies that you don’t like eating, have you? Do you already have someone you like? I heard about the trip you went to with your friends. Don’t come running in such a hurry. I won’t run away. I won’t run away from here. So it’s okay. You can walk calmly. Really, thank you for coming all the way here to see me. I’ve been waiting all this time.

With a smile like the sun, she said, “Here’s your mail, Mrs...” nearly saying “Isabella”, she shook her head and corrected herself, “Here’s your mail, Lady Amy Bartlett.”

Hands trembling, I wrote down my signature to receive the delivery. While writing, as expected, I cried.

“You shouldn’t cry, Big Sis.”

Her sweet voice tickled my ears. Both of us held each other’s hands at the same time.

“Yeah, but I’m so happy that you’re doing so well...”

——Aah, God.

“From now on, I’ll always be in charge of this area. I’ll be exclusive for you forever, Big Sis.”

——I’ve always resented and cursed you.

“Yeah, yeah.”

——But for today, let me say thanks. God, I...

“Taylor, y’know...”

——...I’ll try to live on, just for a little more. Because I cherish the world in which this girl lives.

#violet evergarden #veedit #fyeahvioletevergarden #kyoani #kyoto animation #amy bartlett #taylor bartlett #isabella york #akatsuki kana #takase akiko #novel #my translation #violet evergarden booklets #isabella york and the spring sunlight between tree leaves #isabella york to haru no komorebi

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x0401x · 3 years

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“It was as if two people who were all alone in a corner of the world had met by fate. One’s loneliness had resonated the other’s.”

#violet evergarden #veedit #fyeahvioletevergarden #allanimanga #dailyanime #kyoani #kyoto animation #gilbert bougainvillea #violet evergarden booklets #akatsuki kana #takase akiko #gilbert bougainvillea and the transient dream #gilbert bougainvillea to hakanai yume #novel

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dennou-translations · 3 years

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Violet Evergarden: Booklet 3

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At that moment, I found myself thinking, “Aah, maybe if I disappeared, if I vanished right now, nobody would notice.”

Once I thought this, I could no longer think of anything else.

Before I realized, my hands and feet had moved. I slowly moved my whole body and left that place behind.

Nobody called for. Nobody tried to stop me.

Which was why I was now hiding. I was in a corner of a maze of roses in the royal palace of this forest kingdom.

I looked up at the sky. It was overcast. The air was a little heavy, so there was a chance of rain.

Was anyone looking for me by now? No, they might not have noticed. I could bet a hundred of Drossel’s white camellias that they hadn’t. “That wouldn’t be a bet,” someone said from within my mind.

——What will happen to me if I just stay here like this?

I tried to think calmly. Firstly, I would get hungry. My body would get bitten by insects. The sky was looking shady, so rain might come pouring down on me. I would get a fever from the cold, and then... and then... and then...

The power of my imagination was scarce, so the scenario ended there.

Stretching out my dress’s sleeves and removing my long gloves, I plucked the grass with a bare hand. Picking up some rose petals that had fallen to the ground, I threw them into the air even though they would not fly too far. I looked almost like a child trying to contain her bad mood. Most likely, if anyone saw me, they would wonder what on earth the queen of Fluegel was doing.

Why had I grown up to be like this? All I ever did was think big of small matters and be in a state of chaos. It was such a weak mindset, which people most likely wouldn’t expect to come from someone born in a family that was meant to rule a country.

“Members of the royal family are actually not supposed to expose their original selves. Under no circumstance should you forget that you must act with dignity and be a role model to your subjects.”

Even though I had already become a wife, I behaved like a little girl.

��However...”

I had experienced a romance like the ones that young girls dream with.

“...from my long time working in the court...”

I fell in love and won my beloved lord over.

“...these have been the most memorable Public Love Letters. Yes... in a good sense.”

After running and running, I was now living the aftermath of that.

My name is Charlotte Abelfreya Fluegel. Already a year had passed ever since I married off to Fluegel.

Charlotte Abelfreya Fluegel and the Forest Kingdom

Drossel and Fluegel – no matter what could happen to these two nations in the future, they had me as their intermediary princess. If I happened to die in this rose labyrinth without anybody ever finding me, I wanted someone to remember that.

As to why things had turned out like this, I’d have to rewind my life a little to explain. I had to mix up the cauldron of time that made the hours pass.

How far back was I supposed to go?

That beautiful golden-haired girl. My favorite. The ghostwriter who had become a mediator for my romance.

Rewinding to the times of Violet Evergarden’s Public Love Letters would be going back too far. It should be a bit later. Perhaps the appropriate would be around the time when I, who was once the third princess of Drossel – that beautiful country where white camellias bloomed in copious amounts –, went away and changed my surname. Yes, right, that was adequate enough.

Fluegel was a neighboring country of prosperous forestry. I was married to the man who had the priority rights to succeeding its throne. Letting go of everything that I had cherished until then, I married off.

I had transformed from a girl into an adult. Although my appearance hadn’t changed much, that was my status.

My husband was Damian Baldur Fluegel. He was the person who possessed the rights of succession as the next monarch at the beginning of our marriage, but a few days ago, he had inherited the throne from his father and become a king both in name and reality. In other words, I had become the queen as well.

Probably the worst queen in history. After all, I had run away.

Let me try to trace the rewound time with exact precision.

Fluegel’s capital was a city of fresh greenery, which had a castle erected in the depths of a forest. Said royal palace couldn’t be considered sturdy or showy, but it was in perfect harmony with the nature, endowed with a calculated beauty. Unlike Drossel, a country that maintained itself through the tourism industry, Fluegel had much of its national interest shouldered by its forestry. Drossel’s national flower was the white camellia, while Fluegel’s was the red rose.

The two countries were separated by a large river, but one would be tempted to wonder how they could be so different.

Differences were by no means a bad thing. After all, Lord Damian and I had met because we had been raised in such different cultures. That was exactly why I became attracted to Lord Damian’s… albeit artless, uninhibited personality, which was so unlike that of the royals from Drossel and other nations...

Yes, “differences” were not bad. But the so-called “differences”... how should I put it? When they weren’t tolerated, instead viewed as an absence of profits and effort, they would turn into a really bad thing.

Most likely, that was what made me the way I was now.

Was this an excuse? It might be. But that was how it was. That was it.

At first, my life in Fluegel didn’t go well.

Becoming used to even small differences in habit was extremely difficult for me, which caused the chamberlain to sigh often. He was someone who deserved respect for having taken care of Lord Damian’s personal matters for quite a long time.

There was no mistaking that I was in a position higher than his, but I soon understood that he looked down on me. One could tell as much by things such as the movements of the other’s eyes and their attitude.

The chamberlain would tell me: “That is not the way we do it in Fluegel”, “This is for your protection. You will be criticized otherwise. Now, fix yourself up”, “I have said this several times, but...”

I didn’t think I was some idiot. I believed myself to be the kind of girl who could do well if I put my mind into it. But I had to admit that I was a very unstable crybaby.

The differences such as the ones that the chamberlain talked about were, for example, the order in which people were seated at meals, how to lift my dress when hopping into a carriage, and other minute details like that. If I were told such things back in Drossel, I was positive that I could internalize it in the first try. After that, I definitely wouldn’t repeat the mistake. But the moment I tried to do it in this foreign country that I wasn’t familiar with, being watched by the monitoring eyes of someone that didn’t have me in his favor, I ended up failing. It was almost as if I were inducing the failure on my own. What was this phenomenon?

The chamberlain most likely knew this as well. He knew it, and even then he would sigh and speak in a detached manner while watching me go pale. There was nothing good in it for either of us, yet we would find ourselves repeating this vicious cycle.

To be honest, we were so incapable of getting along that the desire to jump off from one of the Fluegel castle’s windows as retaliation surged from within me. However, I had no choice but to keep going. Because I was a newcomer and that person was an elder.

If I didn’t get used to this, it would be the end of me.

Right, and there was also the tea party. The flow of the Cauldron of Time had finally returned to the present.

It all had begun… from the chamberlain suggesting that if I, who had become the queen, held a tea party, I would certainly make myself known as someone who shines like the stars in the night sky. He gave a long speech about my authority as a queen being this and that. That detestable chamberlain.

I did like tea parties, but even after being in Fluegel for a year, I wasn’t able to find myself anyone that I could consider close to me, so I frankly didn’t like the idea. I hadn’t gotten myself anyone to be on friendly terms with, so rather than a display of my power, wouldn’t this be deemed as more of a public execution for me?

Ever since I had arrived here, I was in the position of a foreign princess who had a political marriage with Lord Damian, so both the royal family that I had joined and the people who took care of me were somewhat distant… To make things worse, I was the very person who had tainted the traditional event of the Public Love Letters. People were wary of me as an unprecedented princess.

I had seen that Fluegel had a liberal aspect to it and wasn’t too bound by formalities in comparison to Drossel, but when it came to the royal family, that was a different story.

Whenever I passed the corridors of the royal palace, I could hear one name being whispered. Everyone would have faint smiles on their faces. “Baby Princess” was what they called me.

The one who came up with it was Lord Damian’s younger sister or something. Indeed, I had childish facial features and I was the girl who had married for love, so there was no helping that I would be mocked like this.

Receiving a nickname and having it made into a title meant that it was ingrained in people. Once a knight earned himself an alias, others would expect him to have a conduct that was worthy of it. In that same manner, no matter what I, Charlotte Abelfreya Fluegel, might say… I lived in Fluegel as the princess whom everyone would giggle at.

Whenever I made a mistake, “it’s because she’s a child”. If I happened to rush towards Lord Damian, “it’s because she’s a child”. Whenever I said anything, “it’s because she’s a child”.

If there was some magic spell that could turn me into a twenty-year-old right now, I would have taken it. It’d be great if I could instantly grab ahold of my dignity in a way that nobody would complain. But that was something that people had to be awarded to through the years, along with their efforts...

I might have been the Baby Princess today as well – the day of the tea party.

The chamberlain was in awfully high spirits, which one way or another was an omen for misfortune. I was watching from my bedroom as the elderly man briskly instructed the people around him.

From the room where I stayed with Lord Damian, I could see the castle’s garden, the rose maze that started from the garden’s entrance veering to the side, and the castle town. Back when we had just married, we used to often gaze outside the window together, but now we couldn’t even talk for more than five minutes.

Ever since succeeding the throne, Lord Damian was truly busy. He would be working while I waited for him in our room; by the time that I woke up, he would be by my side without me having realized it; as I stretched the creases that formed between his eyebrows while he was dreaming, he would wake up all of a sudden and then head off to the royal office again.

I was depressed since morning, because why did I have to hold a tea party while my husband was working so indiscriminately? But, well, this was also part of my duties. It was important for me to mingle with other women from a social status similar to mine. The trust earned from them would help not just me but also Lord Damian.

Those who controlled factions also had control of politics. Yes, yes, I knew that much. I had to do this exactly because things weren’t going well. In order to level up my speech skills, I had to start from taking up a stance. As my position was becoming worse, if I could get around here well, I would increase my authority in the royal territory without having to recreate myself.

I understood the reasoning behind this. What the chamberlain said was correct. He was implicitly telling me to do right, and I was the one at fault for not managing it...

The tea party was held in the garden outside at the arranged time.

There were people that I hadn’t seen ever since my wedding ceremony, whom I greeted while turning my head around at an incredible speed. Whenever someone sprinkled the subject of political affairs here and there, I’d throw it back at them with a smile, literally tearing apart and flinging away whatever came at me on repeat. Although the scene actually looked like a peaceful conversation, under the surface, I, the queen, was being evaluated, so this was a battle.

I thought I had done a really strenuous effort up until the middle of it. Instilling the impression that “My, so maybe the Baby Princess isn’t a bad person and is surprisingly smart when she talks?” was quite a success. The signs that I could make them deem me as worthy of standing by Lord Damian’s side were becoming visible. However, the very moment that Her Highness, the King’s young her sister, appeared in the tea party, everything I had set up crumbled down at once.

She was pretty late from the scheduled time – rather, she suddenly showed up when it was already ending.

Although she was close to me in age, she had a very adult appearance and was an awfully beautiful person. Renowned as one of Fluegel’s talented women, she was also involved with the National Assembly, and told us that she had rushed over because the meeting had ended just now. I had not yet been allowed to attend the meetings even though I was the queen, so I was terribly jealous... and a little miserable.

Of course, whatever had been discussed there became the topic, which Her Highness told the women present, explaining in a simplified manner. What a wonderful person she was.

Regardless, it felt like this was going to end as Her Highness’s tea party, even though it was mine. Well, that was okay too. Rather, it might be easier if there was someone to take the initiative to talk like this. I had a bug where I couldn’t speak very well to people whom I wasn’t close to, so I decided to leave it to her.

Despite this being a tea party, I hadn’t eaten anything, so I had the feeling that I would get hungry in the evening. I wondered what we would have for dinner.

Just like that, half of my soul disappeared somewhere else, so I didn’t notice that the subject had changed from state affairs to the next successor to the throne.

“Queen, are you listening? If things continue the way they are, there will be no helping it if a concubine is appointed.”

Since I hadn’t noticed it, I couldn’t react right away, even as I took the tremendous brutality of those words to the face. This had happened just a moment ago, so I didn’t remember very well what kind of reaction I’d had. I had the feeling that I had responded with a somewhat sluggish reply such as “aah” or “eeh”... much like the way that living creatures cried for the first time upon being born.

I could immediately tell that Her Highness wasn’t satisfied with my answer.

“It is because you are so laidback like this that the King has to fight the national affairs alone. You still intend to be here as a guest, not doing what you have to do, so everyone has to hold back and nobody can speak up their opinions. Talk more. Be more useful to the country. Most important of all, it has already been a year, yet nothing has been reported to us. Are you seriously discussing the succession with the King? If this goes on, someone will suggest a concubine for him.”

With such words thrown at me in sequence, I—I had... I had a thought. That perhaps she was trying to make me lose heart. Wasn’t I being attacked right now?

I looked around. Nobody attempted to open their mouths in order to defend me. There was no one. I had no one.

All of them were waiting for my reaction.

I knew this situation. I knew it very well. I wasn’t being treated as a person at the moment. My personality was being denied as well. The dignity that should be granted to the human being named Charlotte wasn’t being taken into account.

However, I didn’t break. Why?

Because I was used to being neglected.

“Yes, I am truly doing a poor job. I believe it is as you say.”

I was smiling.

“However, it has not yet been decided what will be my part of the work and what will be the King’s, as we are in the process of deciding on it as a couple.”

I was smiling mockingly.

“Now that I have talked to all of you like this, I have concluded I should propose my thoughts to the parliament slowly, little by little.”

I was... smiling.

“I was the princess of my country. But now, I am the queen of Fluegel. I did not intend to be here in the position of guest, but it is true that I was restraining myself. But is that not the same for all of you? I am aware. Everyone has been... well, surrounding me from a distance and looking after me. I was fretting, as it would have been better for you to tell me more directly if there was anything wrong... By all means, I would like to have a frank exchange of opinions with you in the future... and I hope that we can help each other... as fellow women.”

This was laughable.

Her Highness was appalled. So was everyone else. She must have spoken so conflictingly due to thinking that it was sure to make me start crying.

I wanted her to stop saying such stupid things. I was the former third princess of Drossel. Did she know what kind of country that was? It was a country where it was okay for women to become political tools. We were by no means granted the position to act freely like she did. As the shadows so-called “women”, we had no choice but earnestly do whatever we could.

I was born in a country were women were consumed and worn down. To top it off, I had been raised mostly by courtiers, away from my biological parents. I hadn’t seen my mother in forever.

Exhausted as a result of her marriage of convenience, Mother had Father build her a palace and secluded herself in it all day long every day. She did show up at the wedding ceremony, but she hadn’t even sent me a single letter after I had married off. She had probably already forgotten that she had given birth to me.

But that was the country I had been born in. I had been raised by one of this country’s strong women – a carefully selected, tough woman. This person patiently educated me, even though my aptitude wasn’t good. She explained things to me over and over again. She scolded me a lot. She taught me so that I would be able to marry anyone and live anywhere. She had also predicted that a situation like this might happen. So she told me how to act during a quarrel with other women.

That was why I smiled at times like these.

My looks weren’t bad. I was no idiot. I knew what effects I would bring about if I smiled. There was little that I could do, but I was going to be the one firing the best shot here.

I was a crybaby. I was a weakling. I was lonely.

However, I had been taught well. No matter what, I couldn’t lose in times like these. I knew that much.

I had been protected through the erasure of my personality.

That day’s tea party was over right then, and thanks to the chamberlain saying that it would soon be time to bring it to a close, it ended well.

At a later date, my feud or whatever with Her Highness would become a rumor around the royal palace, but that was a story of the future. In any case, it was over for now. Therefore, I was extremely relieved.

The chamberlain let me return to my room unusually early and consoled me with a “you must be tired”. “You were excellent today,” he told me. Enveloping my shaky palms in his hands, which had wrinkles just like Alberta’s, he warmed them up. “No matter what happens, do not forget that you have one ally,” he said.

From that, I understood a little something. That he, indeed, worried about me in his own way. I wasn’t fond of his way of doing things, but he had struggled as much as he could in order to do something to improve my position.

He had seen what I had gone through today, so he was commending my brave fight. I had been subjected to violence today. I had been told such terrible things. Even though I—I...

I was in love with Lord Damian.

Both Drossel and Fluegel were aware of this. The citizens of both kingdoms knew it. And yet, aah, how embarrassing. But everyone knew.

I was in love with that person. I was in love.

“You have not sired a child after a year, so there might be need for a concubine. Therefore, if such a woman appears, you should accept it,” she said, despite knowing how much it would hurt me.

I was told off. I was told off by the younger sister of the object of my affections. That was what she said to me.

“Thank you, but please, let me be alone.”

I still managed to keep my smile up, but as soon as I drove the chamberlain out of the room, the tears overflowed torrentially and I couldn’t stop them.

There should be things more painful than that out there in the world. I looked like a fool for crying because of something like this. But right now, I was feeling like the most pitiful person in the world. I wanted to return to Drossel. I wanted to go home to Drossel.

No, that wasn’t it. No, that wasn’t it. No, that wasn’t it.

I wanted to go back to the person who would always allowed me to cry, no matter how much I did so. The person who would stay by my side.

“Alberta...”

I wanted to go back to Alberta.

I knew it was stupid of me. But when I thought that a day might come when Lord Damian, my husband – the object of my affections –, would take another woman aside from me, it was so painful. My chest hurt – it hurt so much that it was hard to breathe. So I couldn’t contain my cries.

I wondered what had gone wrong.

Was it because I had started clamming up, since the chamberlain would always hammer me down by saying, “That kind of unheard-of behavior is not allowed here”, so I couldn’t speak the way I wanted to? Or was it because I was late to find out that not assertively addressing the royal family was bad manners, since I was in a position where I had to wait for people to talk to me first back in Drossel?

Perhaps it was everything.

Apparently, Fluegel hadn’t taken in a princess from abroad in the last sixty years, so maybe it was already difficult for them to accept a foreign object like me in the first place. Things would probably have been different if I were a great woman – yes, a woman like Her Highness –, yet I had nothing but tears. Still, was I such a horrible person that I had to be told such things?

Aah, nothing – just nothing. Nothing was working out. It might be that nothing would go well from now on too.

This thought swiftly made its way into my heart.

All of a sudden, I was able to clearly hear the sounds around me. The noises of someone walking, the whistling of the wind outside, my own breathing. The way that the tears fell down as they dripped from my eyelashes, the way that I was suddenly looking at myself in a holistic manner.

Yes, perhaps things would never work out from now onward. If so, then...

Then, shouldn’t I run away?

Several questions – such as to where, with whom and to do what – came to me, but I ignored them. I had probably broken down at that point.

I dropped my own heart, which I had been cherishing as much as possible in order for it not to break, onto my feet. I had the feeling that I heard a clank when doing so.