#waiting for someone idk who to show up

[hexjulia]

just remembered how this morning woke up in the middle of an incredibly boring debate between two strangers on whether horses ridden by christians were christian as well despite the horses not being baptised. I was just wondering why i was there for it when quite abruptly and that was thankfully no longer the case (woke up).

#why was i present in what i figure was a medieval type situation #i didn't peg it as medieval at the time because i was there. it was just two guys casually talking #as they stood next to two large dark horses holding the bridles #waiting for someone idk who to show up #like. do you ever have dreams that are vivid and if you were superstitious could be believed to be you astral projecting into a the past #only. because your mind is kind of a rudderless instrument you just end up spying on the most irrelevant things in existence #that's how it feels. now how it actually happened is probably because i have a severe debilitating wikipedia addiction #and my mind tries to make a narrative out of random bits and bops about historical events and theological debates i'm vaguely aware of

[fatcowboys]

frustrating how fucking. disabling. being disabled is rn. im tired

#migraine buddy helpfully showed me my midas score which puts me in severely disabled bc of my migraines based on their impact #which on one hand was helpful in a sense of like. hey dude. these things fuck you up and have a huge impact and jts a thing #most peiple dont have to deal with. but also was like. god yeah i sure am and also i sure am still working full time and having to just. #work thru them and cope bc i certainly cant afford to have less money #its so fuckin i furiating being disabled in the us. i cant stop working bc then ill loose my healthcare which still costs me so much money #scream. tired. #my PA for nurtec was denied bc my ins wants me to try a diff one first #which is stupid bc like one why do u get to override my dr for your budget. #why does my healthcare need to suffer because youre cheap. you arent living with this shit. #and also the alternatives they suggested are injection based which. is scary for me as someone who used to have a terrible needle phobia #jax is able to help me w them which is good bc i know i cant give myself them (maybe could do the auto injectors but idk) #but its still so. why are u like thia. also it took u so long to deny my PA and im on no preventatives rn waiting for Something #to be approved. ugh. scream.

[throwbacktears]

as someone who knew nothing about the books or show until i watched it last year on a whim, i was a belly x conrad girlie. i still am, but man, with season 2 already foreshadowing how much theyre soulmates, i feel bad jeremiah doesnt get a fair and fighting chance as belly’s love interest. every time he is, it’s just an afterthought. and it makes the “love triangle” a lot less intriguing bc, well, theres nothing to be intrigued about!!! theres no pining, we all know — even jeremiah himself — that she will always have conrad as number #1. justice for jeremiah and belly to have a fair love story actually

#whats the fun in a love triangle if everything in the show is pointing towards bonrad lol. cmonnnnn #its to the point that every time a jeremiah x belly moment or scene comes up my bonrad self goes out the window and i root for them #but then watching gavin and lola actually act out those scenes - try as i might - i just cant...... i dont believe it #like idk if this is just me but i also feel like gavin and lola just dont have chemistry #again as someone who didnt read the books or have a vested interest in waiting for the show to come out last year #so i wasnt predisposed one way or another #and like. normally i would go for jeremiah and belly bc hes the healthier fit. but i just dont feel any sparks btwn them the way chris #and lola do. and on a larger scale i feel like gavins chemistry w everyone isnt strong either?? #i thought he and sean were great last season but idk. it feels like he doesnt jive w everyone as well #you can see it more in the scenes where theyre improving or riffing in the background #and watching the cast interviews it feels that way too. but not for lack of trying on gavins end #just my observations #tsitp #belly x conrad #belly x jeremiah #lola tung #christopher briney #gavin casalegno #mytext

[party-gilmore]

maybe it’s the AuDHD but every time i see that “if i was orpheus i would simply not turn around - yes you would if you really loved her as deeply as he did then you would” post i can help but feel… like…

is there not love in slogging through the doubt because I Understand the Rule? knowing that if I were to indulge in the selfish need to Be Sure i would be sentencing her again? that if Hades has lied or broken his contract i would return again and hold him to it, now with even more leverage given that he’d broken an oath? that if she had fallen and i reached the top, again would i go back however many times it fucking took?

because I know that if I Don’t Look then losing her is possible, but if I Turn Around then losing her is certain? so this time, on my way back up, the enemy to fight isn’t the underworld or death or hades, it’s myself and my doubt and my fear and i am not stronger than it but my love for her is.

and just because the way i feel it is rooted more in logic and reasoning that emotion and adrenaline doesn’t mean it’s any less passionate or strong.

anyways i know it’s a personal take it just feels like it’s… kind of giving us more analytical type lovers the stink eye a bit. “if you really loved her as much-“ then i would’ve followed the one fucking rule in spite of my fear of MAYBE losing her because DEFINITELY losing her is such???? a MUCH bigger fear???? just logically speaking???

but let’s be real you don’t really… SEE a lot of logical love in media. Not romance specific media at least. It’s all rash decisions caught up in the passion making mistakes hurting each other before figuring it all out. And it’s always portrayed as the IDEAL. Like true love is FIRE! True love is EMOTION! True love is you just can’t think straight around each other!!!!

so that’s probably my REAL frustration actually not with the post itself but just how it feels like it drives home this… “if love isn’t making you a little desperate, it’s not really love” narrative.

And I just… MY love is strong and deep and passionate TOO damnit!!!

#idk just something about how that post is written makes me feel… #that like. as someone who’s showing up love is a little more analytical the implication that the only way to love deeply is to love…. #i don’t want to say ‘foolishly’ because i know that’s my own biases coming through because it’s hard for me to see the story as #‘Romantic Tragedy’ and more of a ‘Characters Folly’ type story because it doesn’t seem romantic to me at ALL i would be so fucking PISSED i #was Eurydice like. ‘But the tragedy is that he gave in to love and couldn’t help but look’ NO the fucking TRAGEDY is that she was almost OU #and all he had to do was NOT LOOK like if he REALLY loved her like REALLY ACTUALLY LOVED HER then it’s… it’s a 100% chance he loses her if #he looks. like that’s KNOWN. it’s set in stone. and if I was her and i was almost out and he turns to look my last memory of him isn’t #’oh my love how tragically fulfilling you couldn’t stop yourself i am gone to you forever but at least i know your love for me was so stron #that it was your only weakness’ no it would’ve been ‘you… you couldn’t have trusted? you couldn’t have waited? you knowingly sentence me #back to death out of your own selfishness and fear. we were almost free. but your love for me clearly wasn strong enough to make you brave’

[perilegs]

i pass pretty much all the time but hm. ive heard interesting stuff from drunk ppl i know who dont know im trans

#''haha when my bf was talking about you and i asked to see a picture he showed me one and i was like... is that right? bc i thought that was #a girl in that pic. i mean only bc i didnt expect him to have any girlypop friends haha'' #yeah i mean that is an average thing to say and not mean or anything but it hits a bit different when im trans #i mean the person saying that didnt know and if they did they would have never said anything like that #but it's still a bit. hmmm. #also the topic of my looks came up and it's funny how everyone thinks i'm cute #i wish i could b masc hot but im fine with being cute. not everyone can look good the same way #but like it's so common for the only compliment transmascs get being ''cute'' for various reasons but i think in my case it's just my #wavy hair and slight babyface and round features #which yeah ok whatever i'm still young - ive got plenty of time to start looking less like a boy and more like a man #as in even if i was a cis guy id look pretty much like this #though! im only 2 years on t so i cant wait what the future holds for how i'll look :3c #well almost 2 and a hlaf but yknow #also i have a slight. can i say this. ''tranny voice'' which. slay. but i was told i ''sound like a femboy'' which #once again super funny that ppl say that stuff bc they genuinely cant tell im trans #the only reason i pass is bc i get read as [justin mcelroy voice] kinda faggy #oh that guy over there with wide hips and feminine manners and voice and small feet and hands [compared to cis men] with an apparently cute #face who doesnt seem to know anything about stereotypical guy stuff? thats a cis man #and i love that #but also one of these ppl is not cis #if you saw me irl you'd know im insanely easy to clock for trans people #but yeah whatever im just amused by all this it's kind of fun having ppl not know im trans #but also i have a new friend who doesnt know and i think i should let him know at some point if it comes up bc idk man. it feels like im #living a secret life or something. like obviously no one has the right to know im trans but. i can make the choice of wanting someone toknow #but also hes my only guy friend who lives in this city. well technically not the only one i have another friend but we never hang out irl. #anyways i dont want to ruin our broship #i dont think itd get ruined and if it did itd just mean whatever but im still scared #agh idk #leevi talks

[todayisafridaynight]

sad to think about how daigo was probably grieving mines death alone

In my silly dreamland i like to think at least katase also showed up to pay her respects ….

#snap chats #she seemed genuinely worried about him before he left for okinawa #at the very least she might show up just to show respects since she was the last other person to speak with him #i doubt they were super close but idk …. #its not that i couldnt bear the depressing notion that daigo was the only one to ever care about mine #i dont doubt thats true but still … #maybe i just want daigo to be able to talk to someone about mine who even Somewhat knew him #idk im dipping into my google docs now #oh my god wait speaking of mourning things my laptop’s screen is busted :)))))))) #it got knocked off my desk and the screens not TOTALLY black #sometimes it tricks me into thinking its back to normal but it’s unusable rn so i have to get it fixed this weekend and i am not happy #but its ok it cant be helped. //screams//

[welcometogrouchland]

*twirling my hair* do you like cassandra cain? if not, do u have a moment to hear about our lord and saviour cassandra cain?

CASSANDRA CAIN MY LOVE!!! She's definitely the batgirl I've read the most in terms of full issues, the first 30-ish issues of her solo by Kelly Puckett Scott Peterson and Damion Scott had me hooked and I binged them but fell off after Horrocks came on (nothing against him, he was just given an editorial mandate to make the book more romance focused and it turned me off because it felt so ooc for Cass to me lol. I do own some of the issues he wrote tho! I like the ones with art by Rick Leonardi). I'm not really caught up with modern comics (ish??) And I'm not reading anything dedicatedly but I hear she's in a new original book teaming up with a magic user? Neat! Good for her. I love her in the shadow of the batgirl graphic novel (IT'S SO GOOD)

#ramblings of a lunatic #asks #^ sorry had to be tistic about things for a minute #i loved damion scotts artwork for her solo series sm (especially the later moee stylized stuff even though i recognise how bonkers- #-the proportions are i can't help myself. i like women and i love stylised art like that) #his stuff was surprisingly influential on my own art. idk how much it shows these days but It's There #this hasn't mentioned anything about what i love about cass as a character but like. it's the same as most people who love her man #i love her self destructive dedication to redemption i love the guilt she's saddled with- #-and how it's juxtaposed with her committment to kindness and justice i love how she's the fucking best and she knows it #i love how the relationship between her and oracle was an intergenerational mentorship between two disabled women #and her gay ass bond with stephanie (who in all fairness may be my fav batgirl???- #-but I've also read wayyy less complete issues of her compared to cass due to the differences in how their respective series' are- #-formatted but like. what i have seen i tend to love. i love u stephanie) #but also dear god i do not wanna get reeled back in because nothing the industry ever does will please me the way the ideas in my head do #and I'm constantly at war with myself reading stuff #also it's just hard to get back in when you've been gone with a while it's all just very difficult #but i am rotating cass and stephanie in my brain like a microwave waiting for someone to explode #plenty of people smarter than me have already said this but cass should team up with jason and they should both seethe #he wants to kill. she keeps breaking his bones if he tries it. they're both brushing each others philosophies off bc of where they exist- #-on the batfamily ''kill/no kill'' binary even though they share similarities of wanting to be batman but Better #(jason via controlling crime and killing criminals and her with her ultimate dedication to the symbol and superior combat skills) #(also keep in mind i just watched utrh but haven't read a rhato comic in yonks. so if this is an outdated jason characterization+ #-then whoopsie <3) #Jason's dedicated to pushing buttons and poking holes in batmans philosophy and cass is great at reading ppl- #-and sometimes in her series she then performs a limited psychoanalysis of them and tears them apart #(at least she did for shiva) I'd love to see her do that to jason. break him so i can tape his sad lil ass back together #this is getting away from me. anyway no need to proselytise. I'm a former alter boy round here

[2-wuv]

i am surw we've said this before but hannibal would absolutely kill me for food crimes and that's hilarious. love that 4 me

#pk;m half light🔴 #I DO MEAN OUR FICTIVE BTW LMFAO but like. canon hannibal would too #along w other reasons probably. idk. ACTUALLY. actually. #. Would he have reasons to kill Harry? Like genuine question. #Cuz to kill me he'd have to kill Harry. uhhhh. And afaik he wouldn't kill him on account of ACAB. soooo?? #Like Harry's fine with cannibalism canonically? He consciously v much awarely committed such. Like I think #if Hannibal showed up & was like Let me treat you to dinner :) and ir was some extravagant 5 star meal but it was also PEOPLE #Harry would not give a shit! Food is food!! #If anything he might get killed because he's like. Terrifying when drunk lmao??? OH Y'KNOW. Y'KNOW WHAT. #DOESN'T HANNIBAL GO AFTER PEOPLE WHO HURT OTHERS FOR NO REASON. Yeah he. #Yeah Harry's getting turned into an art project for fucking up that one guy's kneecaps that one time. at Least. #. ANYWAYS! I forgot what i was talking about. #Hi! We haven't been able to take our adhd meds in about 4 days! HWHDND #ACTUALLY WAIT. ok so we haven't watched the show in years btw. But also maybe he'd just keep Harry around to like. manipulate #BUT HARRY COULD JUST CAN OPEN HIM AND BE ANNOYING LMAO like. someone's dying at the end of the day #JDKSDMFJFJ

[thesaintelectric]

only recently attempted to google the tv show ive had recurring dreams about only to discover its not real. my brain has just been experiencing this dream specifically in tv film angles rather than the usual third ish person, theres graphics effects even.

#its uh. i think a wierd mix of other shows i have seen but #so many details have been consistent. #wait remembering the dream last night i was literally watching parts of the dream on tv and talking to someone #like i was 'explaining the show' to another person #me_irl #approximately the plot/setup is humanity facing crisis of some kind and theres like. confirmed never going to be snow again so theres this #giant ship in the arctic collecting the last ever snowfall but the protags r suspicious so visit to try and get info #get nearly caught and barely escape back to the future city they live in (its like 2800) and burn all their clothes etc #they split up but one worries and goes back to distract a pursuer after this and joins up with #a rebel group or something? who know a super virus is going to unfreeze in the arctic which is actually what the ship was there for #im not 100% if it was aliens. i think they think the government etc is aliens (as in thats what society at large is told) but its actually #like future humans who came back to direct the death virus at people they dont like rather than letting it just kill like 90% of everyone #and then they spend like 20 years pottering about looking for where this happens to stop it. idk #the show is ongoing i guess idk how it ends

[castielmacleod]

My specific approach to rewriting a piece of media is always going to be to trim the fat and simplify things as much as possible, and then take those simplified concepts and develop the absolute hell out of them. If that makes sense. Like okay I’m going to cut all the monster baddies in spn and just keep the demons, but then I am going to spend hours upon hours worldbuilding an entire demon culture and society and develop the inner workings of the kingdom of hell and all the specific roles of the king’s court and figure out how demons WORK and why/how they are created and how they tend to behave and what it feels like to be one and the concrete powers they have access to. I can do this because I don’t have like a dozen other monsters drawing on my creativity and attention and the story/world is cleaner, deeper, and more concise for it. At least that’s my philosophy anyway

#The writing I post on here is intentionally kept very canon adjacent (or as canon adjacent as I can stand to be) for accessibility purposes #But I can’t wait to start sharing things from my lore redux document. I think there’s some neat stuff in there #I have narrowed the show right down to demons + angels + demon-hunters + witches and like nothing outside of those “cultures” #Well other than like normal human cultures of course lol I meant just in terms of the supernatural stuff #There are ghosts too since those don’t require too much as far as additional worldbuilding goes. Ghosts are ghosts #And those can be taken care of either by a paranormal investigator or by a particularly savvy demon-hunter #Psychics have been incorporated into witches. Any MOL ridiculousness I’ve just reduced into a demonologist society #The horsemen are all demons save for Death who is an very ancient eldritch angel with unique powers #Reapers are very fucked up wisps of stray grace under Death’s command and you could maybe call them angels if you squinted but #they’re more like something that USED to be an angel and now definitely isn’t (I’ve been thinking maybe dead angels actually become these?) #And idk maybe this is boring but I’d rather focus on making a few things really interesting and deep than trying to stretch myself thin #over trying to account for 15 years of absolute rubbish from canon #My posts #If you’re wondering about my approach to prominent characters who are monsters…. I either don’t care about the character enough #or I revise them into a demon or witch. Whatever works out better #So like Mia VaIIens for instance. Right now I have her as a human witch who is an absolute master at spells that entail mimicry #I.e. making herself look like someone else in a certain person’s perception or augmenting her voice #And it accomplishes more or less the same effect as shifter Mia can in canon #It works for me at least #Characters like Benny and Garth I don’t personally care much about (sorry Benny and Garth fans) so I’ve just kind of left them out atm

[rosicheeks]

🤦🏽‍♀️

#I feel like having a crush on someone is actually one of the worst feelings #thinking about them all the time and you *know* they aren’t thinking about you #man I just want someone to be completely and utterly *obsessed* with me #I’m the first thing they think about when they wake up #I’m the last thing they think about when they go to bed #they send me cute little messages throughout the day to show how much they’re thinking about me #even when they’re busy #they take a second to tell me that they’re busy but how much they miss me and how they can’t wait to talk to me next #idk #I’m just yearning #I also hate how I’m always the one who falls a little more #like I’m sure some of my crushes in the past sorta liked me back #but when I have a crush? #they are the only thing I think about #I daydream about them nonstop #and want to talk to them all the time #maybe that’s my problem #I’m just way too clingy hahaha #bah humbug #LOML WHERE ARE YOU IM SICK OF THIS SHIT #shut up rosie

[lil-tumbles]

Something I feel isn't talked about enough in the conversation about gender stereotypes and how we teach our children to uphold them is this: we teach our children their flaws.

Let me explain. What I mean is this: when we talk about children bullying others, when we talk about boys we tend to mean physical bullying (kicking shoving etc) and when we talk about girls we tend to mean psychological bullying (snarky petty passive aggressiveness cruel veiled comments etc). And that's encouraged.

We tell our boys they should be physical and aggressive, so that's how their flaws are expressed, too. We tell girls that women are sassy and mean using words, and so that's how our girls behave. We all have flaws, and how those flaws are expressed depends on how we're taught we should behave. The "flaw" is to behave too much like this, or not enough (to be a bad woman is to be snarky because women are meant to be docile, for example).

We teach our children the flaws we expect of them. Of course they're going to express those flaws. What I'm saying is that I think girls tend to bully with words because they've been taught that words are how they should express themselves, never actions (women write poetry and use romantic language etc), so when they are being mean, they'd use words to do that, too.

We have fucked up women because we raise our girls to be fucked up in exactly that way. What else should we expect?

#idk is this like. gender theory #my opinion hour #it's just my theory but i think it makes a lot of sense based on my own observations- has anyone rlse felt like this? #omg wait. is this Social Learning Theory? did i do it? did i apply psychology to real life? #can someone show this to my psych teacher i think she'd be proud of me #anyway yeah #by fucked up women i mean women who abuse and are horrible using words rather than actions #Words are the weapon we've taught women to wield by teaching girls that words are all we can have #Lila's opinion #tumblr

[virfujiwara]

MESSI & LANA DEL REY????

#I dreamt river invited messi to the new river camp that was in this once controversial place for rich ppl #On the socials it was all Lana and Messi posts #Like edits and graphics and also emotional posts from the players who were gonna train with messi idk #This happened while I was waiting for the orchestra and choir to show up to do this play that was like a steampunk space opera #Everything was insane in this dream #I woke up when someone was telling Lana about this over an interview #I hope this makes sense tomorrow lmao #The ones making the edits and stuff was the river plate official account BTW #And the music was playing on the place #I'm not even gonna talk much about the controversy that was somewhat fake #Because supposedly this sucked because it was in this lake or river idk that was overflowing with yachts & also something about an oil spil #And everyone was outraged and they didn't want the space orchestra to go because it was a coverup story by the government #Or whatever #Everything was trying to be boycotted basically #But if you went there or were a local you knew everyone was just full of shit #Because the ones boycotting were like porteños saying stuff about the rich or idk #But the place was like for regular ppl and it was a place known for ppl going there on the weekends or holidays #Like just regular ppl and fishermen #And “the oil spill” was all a hoax #And yes the big boat was from the government trying to juice this place up but no one there was complaining #Like idk free entertainment #And the space opera thing was so important also because it had been years since they had funding to put a show and it was their big comebac #And my mom's friend had ran it many years ago #I love it social media was insane and ooc and fake pictures #AND also Messi and Lana del Rey × River Plate Collab of the century #And some other famous person but idk who I'm gonna say Shakira but probably not #Virfu dorimo #Long post

[timelord-of-the-moon]

......

#okay people who have read my posts about this situation- #i need opinion #so that actor im working with that i have a thing for is consuming my thoughts more and more #and anyways we close the show in a week #the plan- i text him right as the last performance ends and say before you leave i need to talk to you about soemthing personal #and then when all the work for the day is over i pull him aside just away from everyone #and i just tell him i have feelings for him and would like to go out sometjme #and then just leave it up to him #i think even if he does reject me or isnt single i still want the experience of asking someone out and i want him to know that i like him #see i found out this is his first play and i realy can't believe it becuase he put in so much work and effort #he came in with all his lines memorized first day of rehearsal #ive never seen that before #anyways my main concern is making him feel uncomfortable #but he has thrown little hints that hes interested in me? like saying we should get drinks sometime & a few little -could be- flirty things #but honestly just telling him i have feelings for him isnt that extreme so idk why im even thinking it would make him uncomfortable #anyways im stage manager so like telling him while were doing the show would be a little bad power dynamic wise #and maybe i should even wait till a day or so after the show but hey once the show is done im not his stage manager anymore #we are just both college students in the same department #man... life is so fucking weird #anyways yeah point is- im wondering if its a good idea to tell him i like him

[guinevereslancelot]

why are people contacting me for free stuff and then not showing up to get it. it's literally free and you asked for it hello

#its flowers i just divided them and they're nice i just have a loy and want to make room for different things #this is the second person who contacted me and neither of them showed up i am literally giving these away #maybe my neighbor will want some idk what she has in her garden already tho #anyway so glad i woke up early and cleared my schedule to sit around waiting for someone who never even showed up 🧍‍♀️ #at least the first lady finally messaged to tell me she wasn't coming #this has been a shitpost

[singing-bones]

you know now that im thinking about middle school recess it makes a lot of sense why i'm obsessed with zombie stuff because we were quite literally simulating a zombie apocalypse in that school ground every damn day almost

#there was this tree we'd all gather around. usually around like 30 people would show up #we'd wait like five minutes for people to join. and then once those five minutes passed #someone was picked to be like patient zero #and then we'd have 30 seconds to all fucking BOOK it across the schoolgrounds #if you got tagged you became a zombie. so more and more people would be infected the longer the game went on getting harder #idk #i liked it because as someone who struggled to do things with my peers it didn't matter if you were liked or not #anyone was welcomed to play. weirdly wholesome environment with that group