#which i'm pretty sure would mean we need to be on antipsychotics like asap

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

I guess maybe cause we have a lot of the same issues & he was around recently before I started fronting, but I think about Loki a lot sometimes, n how drastically he changed during the time he was co-host.

How desperate for connection n approval he is, when like me he's also just. On a different wavelength than most people around us. Never could figure out the problem but he used to be so much more likely than the rest of us to try n take interest in other people's interests, to go out of his way to do things for em, but somehow just mostly got it wrong n was met with criticism instead. Or ignored, but that's also what happened when he (at least as far as we could tell) got it right. I'd get it if it caused more work for the people instead of being helpful, but it was always useless at worst?

Like idk maybe him pointing out the things came off as him...expecting praise for some very basic or low effort things he did or something? But it was never about that, he just wanted to be seen. He was just as if not more content seeing people even a little bit happy about it than he was being thanked. He just wanted the connection.

He burnt out n stopped trying pretty fast. He doesn't do things for others anymore. He might, if he's directly asked to n given enough info that he trusts he won't fuck it up somehow, but it goes to the absolute bottom of his priorities. He doesn't try to strike up conversation, definitely not about things he's not into but the other person at least was at some point. Just...doesn't try to connect. His life's on a parallel line to anyone else's n sometimes there might be a brief, coincidental overlap but it doesn't mean much anymore.

I more or less started out from that point. Maybe that's partially where this constant fucking feeling of isolation came from. I don't like being asked to do anything. I'm hyperaware of being ignored n what kinda topics that happens with. I face everything n everyone with the assumption they don't care about anythin I have to say unless it's in (the right kinda) response to what they're saying, though even then I need to learn to cut it off at one or two sentences. It's supposed to be a reply, not a conversation. That when people speak to me they want to talk to me, not with me. Acknowledge it to show you're listening n invested but don't take up time. Which...funnily enough is exactly what Val's always told me. I kinda hate how my ADHD tendency to ramble still gets out of hand all the damn time n I only catch it when it's too late, n how my natural way of processing things is by talkin about em.

I mean. I'm assuming there's gotta be somethin that I'm reading wrong in the situations. Somethin that makes what I say or do weird n I guess off-putting. It's not a new problem, it's (part of) why we never had that many friends n when we did they usually got sick of us after a couple of years. But no one will tell us what it is n after over 20 years of tryin to crack it we're just fucking tired. I know it's some kinda personality disorder + neurotype + trauma combo but it just doesn't feel worth it try anymore when it takes so fucking much energy to try n get it right just for the Russian roulette of havin either a genuine interaction or a new step in my downward spiral. I just got no way to know which one it's gonna be til it happens n a lot of the time I end up wishing I didn't take the risk. I'm too fucking fragile for it.

#with the exception of the partner system. in loki's case especially B in my case especially herald #like i know the feeling of disconnect n being somehow Inherently Different than everyone else is a trauma symptom #especially common with like. childhood emotional neglect #so it's probably not entirely reality based at this point #but for whatever reason it's like....sometime around the time cloud or loki started fronting it started gettin worse n worse #i know it's a schema or some shit but it's. constantly getting reaffirmed instead of us working through it #& i know it's somethin we should talk about in therapy more in depth but whenever we try we choke up so bad we can't make a sound #especially cause anytime we try to talk about it to anyone else than the bf we're pretty much told our perception must be wrong somehow #n it's not like i'm tryin to put blame on anyone or say it's some kinda intentional conspiracy against us? #the only common denominator is us so why would we try to pin it on someone else? #& if our perception is really that off then i mean that'd be the answer. there's something so severely wrong with our brain that we both #repeatedly don't see or hear it when we're being responded to and hallucinate people talkin when they actually don't #which i'm pretty sure would mean we need to be on antipsychotics like asap #this btw is an open invitation to let us know if we are legit reacting to interactions no one else can see or hear #cause the most i'm aware of is the way i sometimes ask people if they said somethin cause i thought i heard someone talk #n that's very much not it. but idk. it's kinda hellish to be an extrovert in a brain that's broken in this specific way. #spdrvent

[avaguenotion]

10/29/2023 - i didn't quit.

Here we are on this Sunday the 29th of October and I can surely say that I have no quit my job at Target yet. Although today is the first day I cancelled a shift - I woke up way early in the morning around 3ish and my body was just so sore and I felt so constricted and overwhelmed that I chose - with great reluctance - to cancel my shift via the computer software "mytime." This is not something I want to do often and I really did hesitate for a while but ultimately I accepted that I just needed this day to rest before I go back again. Yesterday I worked with a new manager named Zack and he seemed pretty cool from what interactions I had with him. Only that he kept pressuring me - with good reason - to be more mindful of the time I had for my order. I ended up being way late on my GM pickup batch and I had to cut it short. It does make me feel bad when things like that happen but something about me is a little more tolerant and indifferent. I know that way back before medications stuff like that would have pushed me over the edge but now I kind of sit with it. I just accept it as something that happened and live with that slight disturbance but ultimately accept that they have not chosen to fire me yet and I have not chosen to quit so there really is nothing to be done other than to try harder next time. I really liked working on the "ship from store" order more than the "pick ups" because there was no time. Sure moving quickly is important but there really is no actual clock counting down the time. After this week I'm scheduled for a 30 hour week and then a 35 hour week which are both outside of my requested weekly hours. I think I can live with the 30 hour week but the 35 one is going to be insane. I'll probably talk to someone from HR about this soon. That's work...... Aside from that there's the general feeling of uncertainty I have about my future. It's so subtle and no one will understand unless they've been on these drugs but the level of apathy and amotivation that comes with antipsychotics really does make setting goals and taking initiative harder. I have truly lost a significant amount of my interest in science, math, and physics as well as my creative writing, drawing. The only thing that remains more intact is my interest in music and even that ebbs and flows. I don't know. I also had court last Friday on the 27th and the new judge is a bit more intense than the old one. They want that report from Anne Klein done ASAP which means some inpatient hospital time. The judge also wants to see me every 2 weeks until then I suppose. Finally, a report from my psychiatrist about my general well being I guess. A lot has happened since I've returned from florida. Day by day I reckon.

#daily #schizoaffective #life #music #court #abilify #muslim #target #work #the mars revolver #journal #writing #muslim writers