#which is only like 3 days away so

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

pacing back and forth in front of my laptop like a caged tiger debating on making an amazon account

#on one hand: god no fuck no ive held out this long #on the other hand: i need very specific things that stores usually only sell online #and the nearest stores that Might have them are over an hour away and that takes so much fucking gas which is Expensive #not anywhere near worth it for a maybe #like. im. im stuck in a corner #absolutely unprompted #i dont want to contribute to amazon but there are things i cant get otherwise ive Checked the other online stores that would have them #and it can have lower prices and Sales... #fuck. well im contributing to late stage capitalism merely by living in the usa so might as well #i will use it as little as possible. i swear this to myself #i will only use it when im sure that there are no other options #THE DAY'S WHIMSY IS FADING RAPIDLY!!!! #i am no longer sipping at this tasty beer like someone Indulging #i am taking Swigs like someone trying to forget #it really is delicious tho. very bready and not too bitter <3

[brittlebutch]

it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time

I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world

And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with

#N posts stuff #one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety #now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body #but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself #like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao #bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something' #like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with #is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again #and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than #'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it #which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that #so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :) #if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively #like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away. #and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered #like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?' #dimension 20 #d20: stupendous stoats #tula #d20lb

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

If youre ok w sharing then i would love to hear your thoughts on lotor........ Hes such a weird guy. Dissecting him like a frog

If i get hate for this, i am blaming you/j but in all honesty i apologize if this kinda messy, as i have said it has beem awhile since i saw any of the episodes about him. Most of it is my personal interpretation and opinions of his character-

First of all i personally hate both "L0tor is evil rapist imperialist who did not have a single redeemable quality" and "L0tor is uwu poor baby who did nothing wrong", because yeah he had good intentions and he seemed to genuinely love Alura and care for Alteans but also he very much did do a lot of things Wrong. I am pretty sure a lot of his actions fall into category of Very Wrong

Lot0r to me is an absolute control freak, he has to be 10 steps ahead of everyone, he needs to be control of the situation no matter what. Whether it be through a silver tongue or by his blade (see N@rti's death, him vs White Lion). This is as much as a ruthless strategy as it is a trauma response. Being raised under Z@rkon, a father who only saw him as inferior half-bred, he had to learn survivor tactics. He will do anything to survive whether it be beg, lie, manipulate, and kill. He is a survivor of some genuinely godawful abuse he suffered for 10,000 years, combined with racism he suffered for being half altean

However this need to be in control extends to his allies and people he cares about. I am sure Lotor may have loved Alura, it doesnt change the fact that he very much abused her trust. Their entire relationship was based on a lie. He knew Alteans were still alive and not only did he not tell Alura about it he leaned into the "last survivors of Altea" for their relationship, which is why it was doomed since the beginning. And if it had not been this, then it would have been something else. Cause lying and manipulation are very much core of his character, that is how we are introduced to him

Like i see people going "Oh Lot0r could have been good if he had therapy and a hug", and i am not really not sure about it, cause like would he? Would he choose to be vulnerable and actually let his feelings out and be truthful in a an unbiased reliable way that will neither serve him in any way nor make him look better nor is a part of some machivilian scheme he cooked up because he doesnt trust the therapist he is paying? No

And thing is he does desire connection. He looks for connection in people who are similar to him. Half galran, altean survivors, Alura these are the people who he chose to get close to. He looks for similarities, people he can relate to, people who he sees as like him, people who he thinks can give him a sense of belonging. He is deeply lonely. However his desperation for control, absolute mistrust in anyone and everyone, and his inability to be actually honest dooms any relationship he'll ever have

Also this is probably just me, but for someone who is this morally complex character he has tendency to see things in black and white? Like it is His dad and empire= bad, alteans=good. He idolizes Altea to the point of seeing it as an Utopia, and this ideal was more important to him than any Alteans who are alive and with him. I also cant remember him ever caring about someone outside of the Dichotomy. Like at most i remember is after he became the emperor Lance pointing out how other planets need to be freed and he just brushed it off

Overall he gives me the "smart people dont always make good decisions, but they are good at justifying their bad ones" vibes. We dont know exactly why he decided to use alteans as batteries but i am choosing to go with my interpretation- "Lottor saw something fucked up in that future showing space whale thingy, decided the only way to solve was altean batteries except in true self fulfilling prophecy greek tragedy way it only made things worse and started a series of event that will cause the thing he saw causing real trouble a few years after his death.

Another thing! I think it should have been him being the focus of Evil Altean episode instead of A//ura. I hate that episode and everything it stands for but like if there Had to be an evil alteans episode then it should be around someone who is you know? Obsessed with Altean culture? Is big on control and manipulation? Is more geared towards big picture and "greater good" over individual? Is worried about turning into just like his galran father and so desperately wants to connect to his idealized version of his altean mother? Yeah

#empty answers #This is the type of shit that used to get you sniped from both sides of the shitty discourse back in ye old days #I probably have more thoughts but i also need to rewatch vld to have a clearer picture #Also i dont get when people say it was bad writing that he turned out traitor #Like it was handled in abhorent way but also- we are literally introduced to him manipulating an entire audience #The fuck yall mean yall thought he was genuine?? #I used to like him but come on man #That was the most obvious disney twist villain if i have ever seen one #and vld writers are not smart enough to do something actually subversive #Also gonna be real with you while i do have a lot of thoughts of him i kinda also dont enjoy his character?? #It is-how do i put it? A bit lame #Like the eps were going on about how he is this Most Complex Character and instead we have is- #a disney twist villain and sad anime backstory that is supposed to absolve him or something #I can think of so many villains/character that had similar aspects to him but were just Way Better #A convincingly manipulative man with black and white morality who thinks he is in the right even though his actions beg to differ? #B3los is right there #Villain who uses manipulation as a defense mechanism which only drive all their friends away? Grace monr0e and Sash Waybrigt #A tragedy who just wanted peace for his people only for things to spiral so horribly they destroyed the very people they sought to protect? #M0rdred pendrag0n hnoc my beloved <33 #A hot villain who is morally reprehensible but is really hot? M3dusa G0rgon <3 #And just. I think the problem is the writers wanted him to be all of those things and he ends up being none of them #Not to mention the plot armour. You mean to tell me he is being this obvious and yet no one suspected anything?? #Yeah right. Detective!Hunk for the win! #Anyway sorry this is late and so rambly #Thanks for the ask!!!! #Anyone else reading this. This is just a personal opinion ok? No fights ok??

[bonewhiteglory]

today in kindergarten volunteer adventures: one of the kids asked me if I had children, which happens at least once every time I go in; the first time one boy asked me if I had kids and then followed it up by asking if I was in 1st grade, which is possibly the funniest combination of questions I've ever been asked. anyway, until today I thought I didn't have children but this sweet kindergartner revealed to me that I have four kids... ages 11, 12, 17, and 88 :D I don't know anything about them yet but happily the kindergartners love telling me things* so I'm sure ONE of them will be able to help me out here. I can't believe I've been a deadbeat mom for like 90 years now. this is especially enchanting to me bc I'm turning 34 tomorrow LMAO

#I LOVE THESE KIDS SO MUCH... #she's not even in the class I volunteer in! i do lunch/recess duty as well so i've gotten to meet kids from all 3 classes :3 #*possibly the greatest thing about volunteering with kindergartners is that they LOVE explaining the rules #one kid came to tattle on another kid my second day and i was like 'oh let's ask mrs. p about this i'm new and don't know the rules' #not only did he promptly start explaining them to me - when he got to the one about 'no tattling' he paused and was like 'oh yeah' #and then just wandered away to go play with blocks. and that's how i learned there's a rule against tattling in mrs. p's kindergarten class #i was really impressed he put 2 and 2 together like that on the spot. even for adults that can be a struggle #anyway. today was the leprechaun hunt which was very exciting for us all :D the leprechaun is 1001 years old and HATES sugary cereal #helper teacher #bonewhiteglory.txt

[muffingnf]

i just wanted to say i have had a lot of fun on this account and the dash has always made me feel very safe and welcome and i’m so glad i moved to here over twitter almost 2 years ago now.

regardless of what happens next i will be taking a step back from actively engaging in this fandom. this situation is very messy and very nuanced but at the core of it all i do not believe george had malicious intentions and i do not believe calling it sexual assault is fair. i wish caiti healing (and new friends) as she’s still so young and she’s learning and is clearly very hurt by this.

i may go back to fandom posting in the future, but for now i will not be. my hyperfixation on george died a long long time ago, i have just been here for casual fun mostly in recent months, and that’s obviously not really happening at the moment.

i hope everyone is taking care of themselves 🫶

#i may pop in from time to time #but also when the news first dropped #i deleted everything #the tumblr and twitch apps #every photo i have of him #i put my george plushies away #i unsubbed from all 3 of them on youtube #i felt sick and disgusted and honestly really shocked i dont think i processed it well #i also felt scared and embarrassed that i’d supported someone who could do that #with his and dreams statements i feel more at ease #though in the past two days of avoiding everyrhing #overall i felt ok #i didnt cry like i thiught i would #which shows me that taking a step back is not only the right thing but doable #i have a full time job and i have other interests #i will be ok and so will all of you

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway. #our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!' #we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

[bunnihearted]

📖🖊❄️

#journal dump bc i have too much on my mind #1) i HATE my neighbors. theres never one quiet moment. they stomp around and slam cabinets all the time it feels like #2) ​i've been reading more recently even if concentration's hard bc of noise. but i also feel like there r too many books i wanna read #but yeah. too little time. so instead i cant settle on a book and kinda dont even read as much as i want to. a stupid problem really #3) it's crazy to say but i wish i had a part time job. sitting at home 24/7 for 5/6 years has been SO terrible for me. #everything feels meaningless. every day is the exact same. im not LIVING. im rotting away and all my issues get worse. im also so fkn bored #and i dont wanna sit at home and do assignments (even if thats what i technically should be doing) #i want a job to go to which takes me away from home + gives me money #then i can come home and sit and rot and ENJOY it. bc now my lazy time is only smth negative and bad for me :/ #ofc i hate the mere thought of having some soul sucking utterly pointless job and our capitalist society is a slave hellhole. but.. as it is #im not even able to enjoy ANY of my time bc all my time feels bad. plus im only getting poorer and poorer so i cant afford to buy anything #4) im so fkn bored and going crazy from eating the exact same food every single day for the third month now. im sick of it #everything tastes so bland and disgusting. it's genuinely making me depressed 😭 i wanna eat REAL food. im so tired bc no nutrition :(( #i cant do anything except wait for my appt w the doctor next week and hope they put me on a waiting list for surgery.. but ong im sick of it #5) i miss my sisters :/ we live in the same apartment but its like i've completely ceased to exist to them #except when they need to be passive aggressive to me. lol. i miss them. but they just dont wanna talk to me :/ #but tbh. most of all... i just want my health issue to be over so my body can function normally again. #i can face anything in life if i can come home to a cup of coffee nd some chocolate ^-^ <333

[exopelagic]

okay I’m going insane I need to fix my sleep schedule now

#I cannot keep getting up at/after midday this is driving me crazy #SO. I’m gonna not do ice hockey for a little bit until I can get myself normal #I want to step away from ice hockey anyway bc the new committee are being annoying and I need them to stop making me do things #tonight I will go to bed at midnight. and I will stop everything to get ready for bed by 10 bc I need that time #and tomorrow I’m setting my alarm for 7:30 #I’m going to have mornings again if it kills me bc this is making me feel like shit now #will also mean hopefully I’m less stressed about work and can schedule stuff with my friends bc oh my god everything has been a nightmare #this week. and it’s only Tuesday what the fuck #also going to make a sleep tracker again bc that worked in February #and I’m setting library times for weekdays as 9:30-12 and 2-5 because getting there is the problem and I normally stay longer once I’m ther #and that worked for exams AND there’s just less work to do now so if I can keep on top of it everything should be fine #just have to actually do it #like right now I rlly need to go get writing bc I need to figure out some title options and that needs to be done by tomorrow afternoon #otherwise there won’t be time to get feedback from my supervisor before the deadline #so while today might be a bit of a lost cause bc I need to shower go to the shop and cook which takes most of the free working time #I can do something and if I can make tomorrow morning work I’ll have enough time #I’m okay with having periodic getting my shit together days as long as I do use them to get my shit together #now pls. get your shit together <3 #luke.txt

[doctorweebmd]

both zero-sum and the litany of love and loss were concepts that possessed me and would not not get out of my head until i wrote them but i have wastly different feelings about both of these stories despite loving them equally

#I love both of these works but I hated writing litany of love and loss. does that make sense #both of these pieces have the same amount of love and dedication #arguable skill-wise and imagery-wise a litany of love and loss is better #like running for fun vs running away from a zombie horde or something #technically you are doing the same thing. you’re probably even running faster with the zombie horde #but the context of that activity is endlessly different #…there’s been a weird few days we’re people have been commenting on zero sum #which makes me really really happy #but also nostalgic for it. I loved the story and writing it and interacting with people while writing it #everything that came after it has been a much different much less satisfying experience #in other news the path to paradise is both more fun and more interesting than both of the above stories #but I fear the fact that so few people are reading it takes away some of that external validation fun #now it’s all internal validation. lol. and the 3 really nice people who read and comment #we are honestly always our own worst enemies #I don’t compare my writing against other peoples (<- is lying) #but competing against myself is always a problem #just that weird feeling like despite the fact that you’ve grown and hopefully improved as a writer #there are some stories and concepts people are going to feel captured by and some that aren’t #tbh I know most fic readers don’t come into it being like ‘what is the most well written or interesting piece?’ #I tout zero sum game but a large proportion of people reading it do it only because it’s exclusively dkbk #which I have my own feelings about. mostly negative. #anyway…. I’m so thankful for people #for still reading or caring about anything I’m writing… #…..eh #anyway does anyone else feel like this #or am I just thinking too much about everything all the time #haha #anyway I’m being sentimental because once again I am #night shift is…. yeah

[kohakhearts]

yeah im thinking about the full version of 1・2・3 again yeah its making my brain a little mushy about The Characters

#taylor.txt #the lyrics in that song are insane has ANYONE gone through and determined which parts are sung by whom #because im bad at distinguishing voices so some parts im not sure if its both of them or not #either way lyrically this song is crazy. like its not the only ash and companion duet op but it has VASTLY different flavour #high touch walked so 1・2・3 could run frankly and boy did it ever #i would so happily analyze the full version lyrics so hard if anyone asked just saying #thematically goh is such a good companion and yeah WHATEVER we know im biased by shipping goggles but like. they did something so #INTERESTING and UNIQUE with that dynamic which is really compounded in jn being ash’s last series #and it reflects so well in the lyrics of the song like there is so much to say about their development as characters #and its so interesting compared to say high touch where its like. yeah this is a song ABOUT their relationship #1・2・3 is arguably that as well but fundamentally its all in the thesis of the series which is about how relationships strengthen your #INDIVIDUAL goals and actions and shape you as a Person and how those are things that like #yeah other people influence you and motivate you but at the end of the day youre still making the choice to try but whatever choice you make #that friendship doesnt just go away. it bolsters you! makes you a better person! helps you grow up!!! #idk what im saying now idk i just head full. many thoughts. btw if you havent listened to the full version like. fully. highly recommend #its just a genuinely good song like tbh it has no right being such an unironic bop but it is and i love it

[robotic-maid]

How things are going again… update I guess? Still can’t figure out how to read more on mobile. I’m just typing this out so it can leave my head.

#nights are really hard for me #mornings are also really hard for me #I think my jobs burning me out #and I haven’t been able to sleep very well much at all #I’ve only been getting 3-5 hours if I’m lucky because my nightmares are really bad so I usually just stay awake #I mean I have to get up at 4am anyway so what’s the point #do you know how it feels to be in pain but you can’t cry because your body’s grown so used to it? #so it feels like crying because it’s Wednesday again #which I can’t justify because tommorrow is Thursday and that is your new normal #your new normal is working so hard you don’t have the time to see your dog and your cars ac is out and you spend all your money on the room #you sleep in 15 minutes away from the office you are stuck at more than 11hoirs a day #you ask your job to adjust your schedule and they say they can’t without cutting your hours and you need the money to survive #it’s too much #but feeling this way or not feeling this way won’t make a difference because the only other options will make your living situation harder #I’m so tired but I don’t have any better options right now so I have to keep waking up and working #I feel horrible spending time with me friends because I get tired after an hour and I worry that I’ve become #too flaky or something #I can’t stay up late and I’m already stressed out so I just can’t keep up with everyone and I don’t want to be a drain #I wish my heart would just stop some times #my meds stop me from hurting myself or crying or sleeping too long but these feelings always come to me when I wake up #I’m disappointed I woke up again #I don’t want to keep doing this I don’t know how long I can keep going #my body is breaking down like my car is breaking down #I don’t want to keep doing this I need more than a day off work a week I want to see my dog I don’t want to be poor but I don’t want to #wake up just to spend all day in an office getting yelled at while my coworkers come in and leave before me #I know I can do this I know I need to keep doing this I know there’s nothing better for me than this #I shouldn’t say these horrible things out loud because they’ll just wear me down faster #there’s nothing that will help me I need to help myself #this is en endurance test and I need to keep it up because if I fail I will lose so much more than I have #I wish I could cry I wish I could break down and scream but what would be the point? it won’t help it won’t fix anything m

[szappan]

i have the temperament of a very nervous and aged little dog. generally cheery and glad to go on walks and to see people but will soon perish from the sheer stress of alla that

#i took part in this summer course in finland right? i havent talked about it much but it also feels like i cant shut up about it #anyway so it was 3 weeks long i had 3 teachers and was evaluated on 3 criteria #being writing speaking and class participation #and by the last week ive had so much of constant interaction and stuff that i couldnt really even speak on monday #and tuesday was the last day when i was evaluated #and i was just generally away with the fairies by the end of the second week #and i got a 5 for both speaking and writing and only a 4 for socialising and my main teacher told me that it just seemed like i was living #in my own little world. AND HERES THE CATCH. she said. living in my own world THE WHOLE TIME #come on i was trying so hard. for like a week and a half. but i was!!! and i was going strong until those last two days #anyway diagnosed with weirdgirl syndrome at first glance. (in finland!) #ok so what was my point. oh yeah im so nervous but so so hopeful also #my post #(she told me that in finnish btw and i understood it which is soso cool i think) #(something else thats cool is how finnish people say kiitos. they kind of say kiiidoOOS raising their tone and all and with a d i like it)

[capriszn]

almost every cdrama i‘ve watched could have been a 10/10 if it wasn’t for those last ten minutes packed with the entire finale like every single one without fail got that rushed ending…. why do they keep doing this to me stop

#literally every single one!!! i feel like theres gotta be some sort of rule for screenwriters #and i mean the 10/10 i enjoy the storylines so much and theyre not comparable to kdramas like people would like to think #but they always do everything in the last few minutes and it takes away so much from the story #wifty is the only one i accept bc they fast forwarded their future and that drama actually changed my life lmao i think abt them every day #even a river runs through it which started of as my new absolute favorite show..whyd they reunite in the last 3 minutes i was MAD #but i can accept it bc i still love them sm #but the two most unforgivable ones are meet yourself which is also one of my favorites bc you robbed me of my wedding lmao #second one arsenal military academy bc they just walked into the sunset and they didnt show any of the characters again???? bruh #and i will also forever complain about love like the galaxy which had me obsessed and hooked like no other show i actually lost sleep over i #BUT MY WEDDING!!!!! give me my wedding scene please i am mentally ill and i hate marriage irl so of course i need dramas to end in weddings #anyways. i love cdramas #i have watched more cdramas in 6 months than a decade of watching kdramas bc i always drop them lmao #but please give those stories and characters proper endings im begging you atp its dishonoring the material lmao #personal

[iulianfawcett]

at this rate i’m either gonna become a high school english teacher or i’m gonna kill myself before i hit 27. BUT ☝️‼️ i do not want to be one of those teachers who teaches at their old high school but fuck i love the way my old high school scheduled the years and classes i seriously don’t think i could ever do like. x amount of 40 minute classes.

#my old high school works on the quarter system #where you take two classes each quarter (2.5) months and your classes are 3 hours long every day #it sounds like hell when you lay it out like that but you adjust to it quickly and it is so nice #there’s enough time in your classes to actually get stuff done. you’re only taking upwards of two classes and maybe an extracurricular or #two per quarter so you don’t have to juggle a million classes #also for teachers it’s better bc they don’t have to worry about a million kids. like at any point a teacher was probably teaching a total o #like 60 kids per quarter. which is nothing if you compare it to other schools #but anyway. i don’t think i could ever not work on the quarter system. but also i’d rather kill myself than teach at the same school i #graduated from. and idk how common schools on the quarter system are in alberta #i know they’re pretty common in ontario but that is so far away i don’t wanna go that far #anyway. sorry it’s late i need to sleep i have work in the morning. #en

[futureghost97]

>:( see tags

#day 4 of having an illegally short break ♥️ #I hate my fucking job #I get a half hour break IF they don’t take it away today #coworker Becca has an hour and a half break #coworker Todd only works 4 hours total today which means he has 3.5 hours off #how on earth is this equitable #all at once I am dealing with: hormone imbalances & a miserably painful period & a cold & intense stress bc of my upcoming medical leave #oh and my short-term disability claim has yet to be processed (it’s been almost 3 weeks) sooooooo #no clue if I’m gonna be properly compensated while I’m out #even though I did everything right and stayed on top of everything #I feel like I’m drowning and all I wanna do is sleep but I have no more PTO so #12 days til my medical leave (including today): will I make it? #my stuff #all I want to be is happy #and I can feel this job making me a more miserable and unpleasant person with every passing day #I do not want a repeat of last year #but it feels like it’s inevitable 🙃