#wontonsupremacy

[crimsoncarcass]

Hello I logged in on 1/11/2021 by accident but here are some feelings

This is not the blog I wanted to find. This is not the one I thought I’d log into. This is not the account I hoped to remember or to write in, but my thoughts are important, my feelings are important, and recently pain soars through so much of my mind that I forget and shut down. It’s like everything leaves me, my mind, in a wisp of the wind, and the numb feeling of all those emotions of pain, hate, is all that is left with the tear thaat welled up in my eyes, that couldn’t drop for some reason. Why is it? That ever since Kuro left, I’ve stopped something inside that could still change and grow? What is it that I fucked up in myself to have a fake girlfriend, a fake romance, and fake emotions? I am lying to myself, I know, but about what? I can’t even tell. There’s nothing here for me at the age 24. There is nothing here in this whole world because I have hid myself from everyone, even myself, to the point that maybe there’s no way to open up again. To me, I have always separated, segregated, and kept them away; those people that cared and the friends and people who actually reached my heart-- even those people, are something that I try to erase from my heart every day. I try my best to open up physically, to be more present, to be more honest and to be genuine and myself, and yet, every few days when my repressed emotions surface, I find myself deleting myself, deleting the memories, deleting people, and in one way or another, distancing myself. 

Even when I look back on the good memories, I smile at it like a parent to a child, somewhere inside me, it says “We all grow up and leave some day”, and there’s a warmth behind all those words, but it sounds so cold. It sounds so cold to my soul that the tears that well up, sometimes drop down my cheek. Sometimes it makes me scream into my pillow because I can feel my skin, my extra fat on my chin wrinkle up and my nose scrunch up, and I don’t want to imagine what I look like. Sometimes I can let my voice out if I unwire all the way, sometimes, actually most of the time, I am silenced. Muted. 

Yes, that’s how I cry. Why do I write this? I don’t even know, maybe I think someone will read it one day. Maybe I think the pain I hold inside will be noticed one day, and even understood. Maybe I think someone who knows a similar pain will approach me one day -- and I won’t be so alone. Maybe I will find someone I can relate my trauma to, my despair with, someone I can truly connect with like Sophia was. Maybe all I’m looking for is a way to ask for help, someone to show up and prove that surviving was worth it, that the suffering I went through in life was something I wouldn’t regret or cry about. Maybe one day I will wake up in that dream I had in my happiest moments... Do you want to hear the dream I had? I had it one random night I stayed on call with Kuro. We slept on phone calls all the time, it made me feel safe, it made me feel like someone was actually paying attention to me, even when they weren’t. I didn’t feel abandoned, and I never thought he’d abandon me, and it was the best time of my life. Sometimes, he would be so exhausted, but we always laughed, whether it be the bad Vietnamese I practiced to tell him “Good Night” or “Thank you”, or just a random thought. I have seen happiness, and perhaps I should be blessed enough from that.

In the dream, I’m sitting on some random window with my violin in my hand. Whether or not there is an actual seat is unknown, but whether it be comfortable or uncomfortable. I looked hella cool. I had no trauma playing my violin, it was like I practiced 8 hours a day again, but from my own will. And I was doodling my own composition, I was spaced out and unfocused but i was inspired. There’s a kettle blowing in the back of the house, the kitchen, and I hear a female voice yelling in the background. It’s almost exactly like my mother, perhaps it was her too, but before my mom, out of the hallway comes another, a better and more familiar voice-- Kuro’s voice. “GIN OH MY GODD” is all I could make out of the yelling and the distant kettle stops its high pitched drone. I stop playing and turn around and yell “IM SORRY” and despite a happy undertone, I feel my face holding an “oops” expression on my face. My mom comes out from the hallway too with her high pitched yelling, she’s always like this but her voice along with Kuro’s scolds me and somehow, it’s all good. I feel a warmth in the way they scold me and at this point the dream is so fuzzy I don’t know if I had any visuals, but I remember the bright white screen in my head, and the simple warmth and relief in my chest that tomorrow will be an okay day. It was so nice, it was the best dream I’ve ever had in my life. If I died, I’d want to live in that moment forever. Even if I don’t die, I want to feel like that once in real life.  I don’t know what I felt. I don’t know if it was love. I don’t know if it was affection. I don’t know if what I felt was acceptance. I don’t know if it felt so good because I left all my trauma and depression behind, maybe I got over my exes in that moment. Maybe I --- I told Kuro so many things, near the end I had so many delusional dates I wanted to do, I told him everything I wanted to do with him...and yet, I was probably the one who broke his heart.  I wish you could tell me. What do I do now? What should I do? I know what you said, you told me to take care of myself, you told me to put myself first and to make myself happy. You told me to do all of these things and I’ve been working, working so hard. I have been doing everything you told me to, I promise. I just haven’t gotten to the brushing your teeth thing yet, I can’t do it yet, and sometimes I even think that you don’t come back because I can’t even brush my teeth by myself every night yet. But I don’t because what if ...what if I do get myself together, and you still don’t come back? How will I ever get better if I lose hope? I know you don’t want me to coin you as my life’s hope, I know you probably hated it and it weighed you down so much that when everything broke, you quickly found a way out-- and I respect everything you’ve done and do, I don’t think you’ve done a single thing wrong and even if it hurts, I know you must be in a better place by now, because that’s how you are. You never go anywhere that isn’t better. But with you gone, I can do anything I want with you in my memories can’t I, even if that means turning you into some miracle, some deity in my book that I can obsess over?  Kuro I’m not better. I’m not sure if I’m getting better at all. Sometimes I feel like my life is coming together, and then I remember it’s all going to fall apart, and it hurts and hurts so I shut it away like you did, because negating your feelings was what you were good at, and I couldn’t understand until recently I met Jessi, and she has taught me how to do it and even enjoy the process. I wish you can come and stop it, because right now you have such power over me that if you said one word I’d do anything to obey your wise words. Please, just please. I wish you’d let me forget to wait for you. I wish you reply one day, I wish one day I forget all of this. I don’t even know how anymore. I don’t know what to do with your memories Kuro. I can’t change maybe. Maybe this is really where I end at age 26. Did you know? The zodiac readings from the japanese blogs and professional fortune tellers all say that 26 for my year, is actually a Huge bad luck Year? I really think it might work. I really think that this will happen. But atleast I had you once. I fucked up Kuro. I get it now. After so much remorse and overthinking, I stopped thinking in details anymore. So now the answer is simply, I fucked the fuck up. And this is it. I’m going to die at age 26. And so far, everything is confirmed and it seems no one can really stop me anymore. I keep waiting for a sign, a message, a symbol, or an experience, that can keep me alive and going, to not kill myself at 26. But I think...so far, its not going so well.  The only person I feel sorry, and truly truly sorry for, is Vally. I don’t know how much time I have left, but I know for sure, that the time provided between Vally and I, were probably meant to be longer-- but I’m not sure if I can make it through my 26th year. I’m planning to do a phone call this weekend with her. I don’t know what I’m going to tell her, everything is such bad thoughts and bad endings, I don’t know what to say. I dont want to tell her anything that isn’t confirmed yet, but maybe its better for her to hear it early? But who can really tell her, a true companion, a true trauma-bonded victim, a true compassionate ally of yours, the most trustable person in the world, even more than Kuro at times,... that so far, it’s about 87% confirmed that I will kill myself in 2 years?

#vally #wontonsupremacy #pineapplefoxything #help me maybe haha

[wontonsupremacy]

Me:

Coping mechanisms for anger:

Smack things...dONT smack things...

Ok. Let’s break things..nOT BrEAK THINGS

Don’t dONT DO IT

me 5 mins later: M0RE ANGERYYY FFFF

#help me #anger issues #coping mechanism #wontonsupremacy #personal post

[biomic]

Where are you watching the super sentai with gyodai in it? I can’t seem to find full series of old stuff so I’m curious

you can find the first 11 episodes at grownupsinspandex and the rest of the series you can get from this torrent. it’s kinda dead now but i’ll try seeding it

#wontonsupremacy #asks #kendrix morgan died for our sins #super sentai for ts

[peoplelookingforpeople]

Hey guys! @wontonsupremacy here! Definitely looking for a relationship with someone caring and motherly, that I can support and care for back. I’m into dominant girls but I’d man up for a cute submissive too ;D (not entirely sexual but as in personality) I like joking around and making people laugh or smile, even tired at my dumb pick up lines. I have a bunny named Honda Civic, food lover, and a dreamer. My favorite thing to talk about is hypothetical “if we lived together” scenarios. I’m freshly 22 and a bondage fan, on my free time I read a lot of manga porn. If anyone is interested to be my girlfriend/partner or just as friends let me know! Fyi I’m a trans boy with occasional fem-looking days. He/Him only please!

[punk-rock-pixie]

Hey bud saw your posts seeming a bit sad so I thought I’d check in. Hope you’re doing okay!! I send sparkles here for you ✨✨✨✨💫

I appreciate it. It’s been a rough couple of months since I moved to AZ. I’m just really feeling it all tonight.

#pixie interrogation #punkrockpixie #wontonsupremacy

[wontonsupremacy]

I hate it I hate it I hate everything about beingn alive why can’t they just celebrate by themselves? Why does it have to be me I wish no one knew my birthday I wish no one actually cared I’m terrible I’m horrible I’m not worth their pity nor their empathy or their love I don’t deserve anything from them or anyone

That’s why I’ve been trying to die that’s why I’ve been seeing things, opportunities that I could die with and god fucking bless all these people but Jesus ducking Christ I can’t even be a decent person to the people good to me and it breaks me from inside out and makes me wan to kill myself even more

#wontonsupremacy #personal post #birthday #events

[wontonsupremacy]

Here’s a selfie!!! Forgot this blog is supposed to be positive and confidence boosting whoops

Upload a selfie everyday no matter what and remember you’re not ugly lmao << feel free to do the challenge<<

#wontonsupremacy #selfies

[wontonsupremacy]

I went to Florida randomly because this girl I was seeing was going and invited me on the phone as a light joke.

#florida trip #orlando florida #jessica #wontonsupremacy #events

[wontonsupremacy]

I literally can’t I’m bawling my eyes out since the moment I woke up cuz of some feeling I had that screwed me up and now my boss called me telling me to go into work early cuz apparently they changed it but like I don’t feel confident enough at all today to ask for help or for anyone’s support and I’m literally about to fall apart maybe I should just quit and cry at home for a bit

#wontonsupremacy

[wontonsupremacy]

LOOK AT HER!!!!! HONDA CIVIC IS USING THE BED AND IM SO PROUD

Also the girl I’m seeing has a rabbit and her rabbit eats in the big bag of hay so I wanted to see if Honda would too. She’s too cautious tho and only stuck her face in but AAAAA CUTE ENOUGH

#hondacivic #honda civic the bunny #bunblr #black bunny #bunnies #lionhead rabbit #ikeahack #wontonsupremacy #my usagi-san #jinx

[wontonsupremacy]

Is it just me or is changing your username and no longer going by your old username a sign of growth and the end of some chapter of your life

#new username #usernames #online kids #only online kids will understsnd #lmao remember how we change our status and names depending on our emotional breakdown stage? #wontonsupremacy #relatable #? #maybe?

[wontonsupremacy]

>> Heres a fic that I got really rich and paid someone to time travel and kill me peacefully

1. Hello

“Hello.” My voice was stern and crisp, old but with a professional delight to be heard in the tone. Compared to that, the returned reply was a dull echo of voices from the room.

“Hello.” They dragged.

“Okay, let’s try this again.”

This is how humans interact, it is the first step to anything for our life: conversation, questions and answers, learning, learning to speak, learning anything, and human relationships like friendships, romantic partners, and family. It’s the first and easiest step, and this is where I lost part of myself already. Have you ever held the anxiety and fear to go up to a stranger and speak? One wrong word, and you’ll forever lose them or gain them; and even then, most of the time no one matters...but their opinions of you somehow do. That’s why I stood there in the small classroom of marble and large glass windows in front of a white board and the line of candidates and reporters:

“I’ve grown up to become an asshole. I’ve tried my very best to learn and relearn the proper way to balance people’s repentance and affection, and oddly enough it creates a strong facade of confidence and charisma. However, like any facade it leaves you isolated. No one knows you and the harder you work to let others know who you really are, you break the hard work and reputation you made to recreate yourself into someone you wanted to be. It’s a dead end to begin with, that I walked into. And in this year of 7984BX and the new amendment re-evaluating the legality of suicides, I, as the founder of one of the largest corporations standing today, would like to declare my upcoming death.”

My introduction was clearcut, I thought. It was groundbreaking enough for a couple of murmurs, some sounding almost disappointed with the confirmed rumor. I left the intro miscellaneous a bit on purpose, why be an asshole of all facades, why can’t I just come out with the real me instead, does it really have to be death as a solution? Sadly, all the questions anyone could ask me had been asked so many times by myself to myself everyday every hour of my life that I really didn’t want to hear it. The replies I’d give would be too depressing, and that’s not what this asshole personality was meant to make others feel. I’m an asshole for positivity, the brash abrupt rude but casual behavior one gives off can create a strange sense of superiority, maybe it’s the confidence to be simply rude. But it creates a sharp difference in the air anytime you raise your voice, mention something horrible or flaunt that nothing else but “me” is important. Even the negative aspects of being an asshole is positive: the moment someone decides to hate you and be angered by your arrogance, your petty personality, and attitude issues, they fight for the better. Sometimes they fight you straight on, sometimes internally, sometimes it’s just the slight silence or gritting of teeth in the back room by your extremely-tidy-ponytail coworker. But since it’s all a facade, the internal me simply respects them for hating someone like me. I internally smile and wish I could be as pure as them and hope they live their best life.

“I’d like to think I’ve tried very hard in leading my buisiness, my crew, family...anyways, since I am rich enough to hire someone to assassinate me legally, I’ve set up a class, test, and payment plan for anyone who can learn the real me properly. My personality, my flaws, my facade and the work I put in it, the reasons behind my facade, what I value and what I needed in my life, what I didn’t get, and how I led myself here, today... and all this is for you to time travel and find the younger me before I took the biggest wrong turn in my life, to keep me a good amount of company, and to kill me at my happiest. This portion is particularly important. You need to know me well enough to know, when exactly is my true happiest. I fake a lot of these emotions and I really don’t have them anymore, haha.”

The room scribbled with notes. They were all candidates promised a fortune if they are able to pass this test. A payment plan that could afford their entire life without the need to work, support for their families and pretty much anything else they wanted I could give at the moment. Since this is a sci-fi fanfic in the future I could pretty much grant anything I wanted to.

#wontonsupremacy #fanfics #fanfic of myself tbh #self insert #suicide #jessi(ca)

[wontonsupremacy]

I need someone to talk unhelathy things with and joke about my depression hmu

#lets be friends lmao #horrible way to meet pol but ngl yeah #wontonsupremacy #depression

[wontonsupremacy]

Sometimes I just want to destroy myself

Not even when I’m not in a bad mood.

Sometimes I’m just like

Hey look at that kid. Let’s smash him to smitherines and see if he cries.

And when I start to cry I’m like

Oh shit he has feelings guys

Lmao

#self sabotage #self destruction #self destructive #abusive #things to think about #wontonsupremacy #events

[wontonsupremacy]

You know the saddest realest part of suicide? It’s that it’s not like the films, your friends won’t notice the neighbors won’t run with the cops to your house, the people won’t suspect a thing if you overdosed, if you drowned somewhere, if you spit your throat. Even if it was a gunshot to the brains, people actually won’t notice and they’ll keep living their normal life, going to school, turning in assignments late, texting you or anyone else “I’m dyingg” without a hint of care. They won’t even know. Later on after a week or two, maybe even months, they’ll say “huh haven’t seen them in a while wonder what’s up?” And try to call or text you but really, we’re all too busy.

And really, to think that death is so easily accessible and unstoppable right here. And I haven’t had the guts to try it yet.

#suicide #wontonsupremacy

[wontonsupremacy]

Me dying to the people trying to save me: “Don’t save me I’m in a relationship I cant do anything w you”

Via @nynynightmare

#wontonsupremacy