#y'all don't know shit abt my real life here and there's no need for validation

[izzy-b-hands]

Ongoing PTSD breakdown trauma stuff below the cut, pls ignore, just need to spew it somewhere that like. I know my feelings will be safe to have and type up and whatever. Also, sorta? mild our flag spoilers under the cut bc my brain is a mess and I use characters I love to help metaphor out and explain my own shit so. yeah. that's also a thing here.

Motherfucking random traumatic memory abt Mum fucking. Randomly hitting me while I'm writing fic (for no apparent reason, no idea what triggered my brain to throw this at me when I WAS NEARLY DONE WITH THE FUCKING FIC NO LESS)

So goddamn rude. I'm off my track on the fic now, so I'm setting it aside for the night (we have Ren Faire today (it literally just hit midnight lol), but after that I want to get back to it) and realising I should really write this memory down.

Like. all of the little details about it, the bits of Mum and I and our relationship surrounding it. Both because my brain does tend to shutter some of those things away and makes them hard to get to without it being stupid lengthy a process involving talking out every feeling I'm having with someone else(unless it pulls some shit like tonight, then suddenly it's no fucking problem throwing it all over the place apparently) and because like

I don't know if I could say this one out loud to anyone, but I think I should. Probably a therapist, but it's one of those stupid trauma things of you just Want Someone, Anyone To Know, Now. To acknowledge it and say if it was as fucked up as it feels (bc I will never deny the possibility that I'm being dramatic and it isn't, and I should just. chill the fuck out about it.)

But every time I start trying to type it out I get hit with this wave of a physical response where my arms and wrists and fingers feel like they're clenching up and I Can't type it. And there's a part of me that doesn't want to because if I can see it in letters on a page, then it's real. It's real and it happened and maybe it was as fucked up as it feels like it was and if that's all true then like. it fits with everything else about our relationship that's already fucked up, from the severe (better than it used to be, but I'm sure it's very clear to y'all that it's still Not Good even though I've moved away from her) co-dependence to the emotional incest (fun fact: that term feels like a gut punch every time I hear it, and I've heard it from my therapist more than a few times now over the past 9ish years of treatment.) So I shouldn't be shocked by that or like, upset, right?

Yet I'm here typing this out to put off typing it up, and I'd bet money I don't necessarily have that I'll wind up putting my laptop away, showering, and going to bed without getting it typed. For better or for worse.

Part of the reason I worry so much abt Frenchie this season (aside from that I love him and he's one of my faves and I want nothing but good and happy for him) is because I also subscribe to his 'shove all the fucked up shit you've seen/experienced in a box in your mind and just. Never open it unless you're putting more in there' method of coping (have all my life, it was so weirdly validating to see it onscreen like that explained so plainly) and like. This is me when the box somehow pops open when I didn't mean it to, and I both want Frenchie to be able to process the things that have happened to him but also don't want to see a character I love so much hurt like this. Because it feels like a big stupid gaping open wound in my chest that I'm being entirely too dramatic about, no matter how valid feeling that way abt it might be.

Kind of hope I can just shut the lid on the box so I can get done and go to sleep after I post this. Should I actually type out the memory and everything? I hate to think that the answer my therapist would have given me, if I could afford to be seeing her rn, would be yes. But the thing is, I have fucking Ren Faire tomorrow in my Izzy cosplay (that Housemate says I look good in, which I'll vainly admit I'm rather happy about, even if it is a very inaccurate and homemade cosplay that's missing certain details I can't yet afford to buy), and I don't want to be dealing with any of this for the rest of the night/into tomorrow. I need to sleep so I can go have some fucking fun, for once. I even feel ok to bring my cane with folded in my bag, just in case I need it, bc that would still be in character if I wind up needing to use it. I can count on one hand the times I've had a fun experience where I also felt safe admitting when my body was hurting and using a physical aid to help it get by; I'm not losing this one.

It's not getting typed out, and I need to duct tape that fucking box shut for now.

#text post #long post #tw ptsd #ngl kind of feeling exhausted and can't think of what other tws to add so if y'all see one I should have pls msg me and I can add asap #here or on discord if u have my discord info whatever works #im going to shut my laptop down shower and try to force myself to cry in there #bc the fact that I haven't had a big physically painful sob session means I'm not fully done with this rough patch bc they ALWAYS get bette #after I have The Big Sob Session #until I have it I just have to work hard to keep myself together and not let it affect other stuff which tbh #this stuff ive carried so long that even in like. active breakdown or wtf ever u wanna call it #masking and getting by in public is somehow still easy enough #but that's another thing I'm fucking off to the shower pls cross ur fingers and toes that i at least cry a little in there so I can sleep l

[interstellarbookofflowers]

the future of this blog

this is something that i want to and i probably need to discuss. it sounds a bit menacing, but no worries, it's mostly abt my own personal development and the way i want to use this space to grow and to help others grow as well.

i already changed my layout and pfp a while ago (who remembers all the horrid layouts and my really bad url from before deserves a veteran discount honestly), since i felt like i needed the change.

i'm also thinking abt changing my url. now let me just say im emotionally attached to this url, it's a part of me, it's something that represented me for a really long time. but not anymore. it's connected to standards that were put on me (both by myself and by other people) and ngl it can be a bit pressuring. and i've changed, too. when i feel ready to tackle this i will of course let you know, but just so you're aware, this is on my mind and it's probably going to happen sometime in the future.

at this moment i'm trying to revive my blog and i'm thinking abt the content i would like to have here. don't worry though, i will be probably staying in the community, it is like a second home to me, but i'm reflecting on all the things that made me feel pressured to continue the blog and how do i untangle myself from that and what kind of things do i want to do here.

one thing is sure though. this is not going to become sth like a personal blog anytime soon. 16 yo me was more than okay sharing some things, but im not 16 anymore and it just feels wrong putting myself out there like thAT. not that i don't like bitching abt how shit my life is, but no. lets keep that for my close friends.

the ultimate goal for me is of course to keep posting study related things, shitty photos and random reflections included. one thing which is definitely staying with me is the need to show the reality of a student's life. me studying isn't rosy and cute and what not. it's a hot fucking mess okay. the thing is, people look for aesthetic™ to console themselves and try to run away from the reality of things. which is of course really fucking wrong and i might actually write an entire post abt this someday bc it makes me frustrated. so y'all i was never for a cute rosy aesthetic and i will never be. my aesthetic is a mess. and my aesthetic is me. it's mine and i love it and it's real.

i will be focusing a lot on mental health related issues, might talk about societal issues and politics bc i'm that person (i have a lot of opinions, deal with it) and i might be memeing bc i'm an actual living meme (whoever knows me knows i am a brat)

another thing is, i have a studygram with the @ iactuallystudyalot. this is a sore topic okay, i made it during a time when everything was really hard for me in hopes to continue posting and maybe feel better abt myself. it didn't go well aka i'm on a huge fucking hiatus there. i'm not using it at this moment and i'm honestly thinking of deleting it. the only thing that keeps me from doing so is the fact that i loved doing insta lives. i've never done any on my personal one bc i was like "ok no that might be weird", but ive done a few on my studygram and it was so much fun. except now i don't have an audience. so what's going to happen is - either i decide to delete it, or get an audience just for casual insta lives and study with me lives.

and at last, i want to say that my blog is always a safe space for everyone. whoever you are, you are valid, accepted and i care about you. unless you're a maniacal psychopatic murderer trying to kill my entire family. but that's probably not the case, so. yeah. i love everyone.

that's it! one more thing maybe, if you feel a certain way abt my insta, tell me bc i might have not opened it for ages, but im still confused as to where i want that to go (either way studygram communities are toxic af so if you tell me to try n join some, don't)

this is an informative post okay, it's not a means to suggest n tell me what you want to see on my blog. bc as much as i love all of you and your opinions and feedbacks and i appreciate them, the era of someone telling me to do shit i'm not feeling deep in my heart is over and i'm figuring out a lot of things now and one of them is that i want to do my own thing without anyone telling me what i should be doing.

ok i'm done now.

special thanks to @afinalsme for making me a tumblr account and generally being the bestest and studyblr-ing with me, ilysm

#mine #studyblr #text post #study inspiration #motivation #change #mental health