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mirakeul · 3 years

Text

cw: mentions of depression, sadness, being unalive

i’m in a somber mood, let’s go.

2020 has been such a fucking rollercoaster for me. because, many times, i have told myself that i just want to be unalive. many times i ask myself what the fuck am i doing with my life and it just makes me think back to all the things that made me live.

earlier this year, i got an email from my past self which i’ve written last 2017 and it was written when i was barely hanging on. it’s weird how i sent a letter to the future, not knowing if i would even make it.

and when i started writing on tumblr, i would never have thought that i would get this far. i first posted about food wars, which was not really all that popular (the one i posted i mean) and then i posted that yamaguchi short scenario which for me, was something i never thought i would do? because i’m not really good in writing.

and then the first kuroo fic i wrote blew up with over a hundred notes and i felt elated (SANBHFKJASHF what it has 368 notes now!! thank you!!). it made me want to write more than what i planned to. and then i hit 100, celebrated it with a teaser for the series i was supposed to write but discontinued. and then i made the folklore event for 200 and even if i discontinued some of the fics, i kinda felt proud i’ve written a lot.

and now we’re here. at 500. but i’m also a bit more, how do you call this, sad? or like forced to write or something (which i know is stupid especially since some readers do like telling me that i don’t need to say sorry about shit like this but yh)

and like as much as it pains me to like be jealous at the others with their interactions, i couldn’t do anything. i’ve always written for myself, writing your requests was always so fun since it made me think and be more creative with shit i write. but sometimes, i don’t know, i feel like i don’t deserve my achievements because of the number of interactions i get with people.

i hate myself so much for thinking like this. i just want validation and lately, i have been joking about disappearing and just making a new blog and tell no one, not one even my mutuals. i don’t know if i’ll do that, yet. but unlike last time, i won’t be in hiatus. i would just be posting more stuff of what i want, requests are still open if you do want to request stuff from me.

i want to make this year better. and so, i thank you.

if you read this far, thank you for caring. to all of my followers, i am so thankful for each and everyone of you. you believed in me when i couldn’t even believe in myself. i repeated what i said in a previous post but it’s true. thank you so much, i love you.

and now, an appreciation post for some of my mutuals and some usernames i see a lot in my notifications.

to @fairyoomi , irda, i have told you this already in your ask box but thank you. i love you so much, you’ve made me become better.

to @kuyog , jere, i also told you this in your ask box but let me tell you again, isa ka sa pinagpapasalamat kong makilala this 2020. mahal kita

to @sachirou-senpai , ellie, my wife, thank you. i am very glad we met in 2020. you made me happier. and to the haikyuhagakure server as well, thank you. i love you all

to @pyblos , lyra, i am so thankful for you and your comments towards my works. i am glad to have met someone like you, i love you.

to @edensxgarden , eden, and @hikari-writes , hikari, my first ever friends on here. thank you. you guys made me feel loved and all that stuff. and although we aren’t that close like we used to be, i am still thankful for you. i love you guys

to @taiyaaki , mio, i know you’re in hiatus so i’m probably going to send this on discord as well if you don’t see it skksksks, thank you for believing in me and stuff, im happy to meet you, i love you.

to @x-bnha-imagines-x , @takemetovalhalla, @k-sakusa-old, @chopstickcamewithalargelomein, and to those who constantly like and reblog my posts, you are all awesome! thank you!! <33

to each and everyone in the anonymous family, special shoutout to kia, thank you so much for indulging me and my attention-seeking nature HAHAHAHA ily guys

i hope a lot of you would stay until 2021, i love you.

#cw depression #cw sadness #cw mentions of attempts #tw depression #tw sadness #tw 2020 #HAHAHAHA #no but #this is like a thank you #and a fuck you to 2020 #:)) HAHA #cw sappy shit at the end #jk #i think

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