Geoff: I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet.
Brody: I just did a slip and slide down the hallway of my apartment building.
Geoff: Tie.
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MacArthur: Some guy shouted "fuck America" during the national anthem, I decked him. They threw him out. USA, USA, USA!
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Gwen: The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
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Chet: Just saw Lorenzo walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
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Cameron, to Lightning: At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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Noah: Hey, this is Noah, I have to type for Owen because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands.
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Scott: Walk of shame time yet?
Sam: Dude she's 6'2" blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
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Max: Y-O-U-'-R-E = you are, Y-O-U-R = your. You are a bag of douche, not your bag of douche. If you're going to insult me at least do it in proper English. That is all.
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Leshawna, to Harold: You were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter Pan in a fight.
Leshawna: And I must say, you were very persuasive.
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Geoff: I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed.
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Gwen: Just got to Costco. Where are you?
Duncan: Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
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Sadie, to Katie: Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
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Amy: I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobody's seen her since.
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Jay: My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
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Chris in Australia: There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
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Scott: I just defriended Zoey because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about Shark Week."
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Max: Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
Scarlett: What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how".
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