thetheatermst

[thetheatermst]

Asahi: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

Cherry: You mean literally or figuratively?

Asahi: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify...

#Kurosaki Asahi #Cherry Bolton #Incorrect Quotes

[thetheatermst]

Holy Shit, It’s My Immortal Pt. 1

Cherry had been on her feet all day.

Jack had called in sick, some kind of stomach bug that was going around Arcadia. She wasn’t entirely convinced it wasn’t another manmade virus set loose upon them all. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time it happened. Definitely wouldn’t be the last, knowing her town’s luck.

What that meant, however, was since there was no school to act as a buffer, Cherry had to pull a double shift at Charlie’s Pizzeria & Arcade. That meant twelve hours walking around the pizzeria being hounded by screaming children while wearing that stupid and heavy cat costume. She was fairly sure that wearing that costume for that many hours with only a handful of fifteen minute breaks between it all was unethical, but she needed the money too much to complain. Didn’t mean she liked the work. Besides, even if she did complain, the Diamantes essentially owned the whole city between the three of them, so what was the point?

Go to school and get grades decent enough that her parents had one less thing to scream at her about. Go to work and make a decent pay so she has money to buy her games, repair her skateboard, and so she has an excuse to stay away from home that her parents can’t ignore. Go to the skatepark to try and unwind before going home to study, and then do it all again in the morning.

Today was a special day, however. The one day of the week her usual schedule changed.

Instead of going home or going to the skatepark, Cherry had instead made a stop at Riley’s house for a quick shower and to change out of her pizzeria uniform into something more her. She’d stashed a new shirt in her bag, a basic black with some white accent. What she really liked about the shirt was the white block on the chest where FUCK was clearly displayed. She thought the mood it set was fitting for today’s events. Other than that, it was simple faded jeans and her new red checkered vans.

Riley’s grandma held her up for a few moments with the usual grandmother ramblings about how she looked too skinny and needed to eat more, and tried to sit her down to eat some stew she’d been making. Usually Cherry was one to accept, it took a lot of will power to say no this time, and she was proud of herself for it. She had places to be and couldn’t risk being late because she was stuffing her face on some delicious grandmotherly cooking.

But she left, thanked her buddy for letting her use the shower, and was off, skating down the streets towards the downtown area.

She and Luka had already made a cover story if her folks tried asking this time. As far as they were aware, she was hanging out with him and his sisters. One of the things she loved about her best bro, her parents were too terrified of his dad to bother her if she was with Luka or his family.

The perks of having villains for your friends, she supposed.

It didn’t take long for the old office building to come into view, and she slowed down, bringing her board to a stop in front of the glass doors. Her heart was pittering and pattering away in her chest that she had come to know as a mix of excitement and anxiety towards whatever monstrosity they would read today.

Grabbing the handle, she gave a slight tug to find no resistance. It was unlocked. Grinning, she closed her eyes and walked in.

When the door echoed shut behind her, she opened her eyes once more.

As always, she was left reeling at the interior.

The lobby of the theater was twice as big as what she was sure the old office actually was. Faded carpets, bright overhead lights, and a golden hue to it all. It was easy to be taken aback, it felt like some kind of upscale rich persons theater just from a look, and every time she came in, it looked better and bigger than before.

Cherry still remembered clearly the first time she entered the place. It was a small, dingy lobby with old brown carpets and grey walls, nothing of note beyond a small snack cart, and three doors. Two that led to bathrooms, and the third—dark, heavy, double doors—that led into the theater itself.

Now it was something grand and glitzy. It made her feel important and fancy. It even had a proper concession counter with a seemingly endless supply of drinks and foods. Cherry wasn’t positive where it came from and who was making the popcorn, but it was always fresh and delicious, so she wasn’t going to complain.

Hooking her skateboard to the back of her bag, she made her way to the concession table and got to work. Grabbing herself the largest bucket provided, she filled it up to the top with popcorn and grabbed herself a diet soda while she was at it. Only once she was all settled in with her snacks did she walk to the double doors, pausing only momentarily to hear chatter on the other side.

Asahi and Briar must have already been there.

Her smile grew.

Pushing the doors open with her shoulders, she slipped in.

The theater itself was dimmer than the lobby, though it didn’t take long to adjust to that lower lighting. It was large and spacious, several seats spaced perfectly in closeness and distance to offer optimal leg and arm room. The table, as always, was situated at the front, and the large screen was ready to go.

Though this would be the fourth week they had been here, none of them had found any cameras. Not that Cherry could say any of them had been really looking.

At the front in their usual seats were Briar and Asahi, chatting back and forth about something. As she got closer, it became apparent that they were talking about werewolves and the logistics behind being able to transform as they do. An interesting topic.

Briar, unsurprisingly, was the first to notice as he raised his head to give her a welcoming nod. Asahi turned around next and smiled. “About time you showed up,” he called as she settled into her seat beside him. “Was starting to think we’d be doing this without you today.”

“Oh, shush, I had to work,” Cherry replied, sticking her tongue out as she set her drink and snacks down before rummaging through her bag. “But, here, before we get started.” She held out the book he’d given her last week.

“Did you like it?” Asahi asked, taking it from her and slipping it into his bag.

Cherry shrugged. “I couldn’t read it for shit,” she admitted without shame. It was a possibility that this would happen, after all. They could only understand each other within the theater because of its magic. There was no reason that magic would extend outside the theater. “But I looked up the plot online an’ it seemed interestin’.”

“We’ll need to get you an English version,” Asahi said, nodding to himself as if it were a decided fact. “Murakami is an amazing writer, and I do think you’d enjoy The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle.”

“I’m not too big on reading, but I can give it a chance,” she said, waving him off as she diverted her attention to Briar—sparing only a momentary glance to see that there were no breasts today. They really needed to get a more efficient way to figure out what to call him by each week than “Does Briar have boobs or not”, she thought. “How’ve you been? Slay any cool monsters this week?”

Briar gave her a gentle smile and shook his head, “No. It has been a week of travel for me, the only excitement coming from would-be robbers and highwaymen,” he said with that low voice of his and a easy shrug. “Unfortunately for you, my life doesn’t feature a monster a week.”

Asahi snorted from between them at the joke.

Still, the Huntsman rose from his seat and made his way to where the letters were on the table. “I suppose now that we are all here, it would be best to get this rolling. So let’s see what our ‘generous host’ has in store for us today.” As he said that, he picked the letter up and tore it open. The envelope was dropped to the table and the unfolded parchment read.

 Welcome back, my friends.

 From beside her, Asahi scoffed. “Friends my ass. We’re employees at best,” he retorted. Briar’s lips quirked into a smile and Cherry snickered.

 As this is our fourth story, I thought we might do something special to commemorate the time and effort you’ve put in to reading and commenting these stories. I know it has not always been a fun experience, but it is a worthwhile one. That is why, for this weeks story we are going to look at the story that everyone would know, and everyone loves. Today I offer you My Immortal.

My Immortal is a story written by XXXbloodyrists66XXX, AKA “Tara Gilesbie” in 2006, and it is perhaps the most notorious work of fanfiction to date, one that I dare say anyone who knows of fanfiction knows of, or at least has heard of. When someone thinks of a trollfic, this is the story that will likely come to mind.

Set in the Harry Potter universe, the story is as far from Harry Potter as possible and instead follows a cast who have been turned into caricatures of the 2000s goth subculture. The main character, Ebony, a seventeen-year-old ‘goth’ girl slash vampire slash witch who does nothing of value but is propped up as something amazing. She is by far the character that started the trend of Trollfics and is what people think of when they think of a Mary Sue.

While there is a constant debate over not only who the author is, as there have been a few who have claimed to have been Tara Gilesbie and much of the authorship is speculation. To this day she is effectively a ghost. More than that, there is, even now, much debate over if this story is, indeed, a trollfic, or a genuine attempt at fanfiction.

It is not my place to say if it is or isn’t. But I do hope that you three enjoy this one.

Briar placed the letter down and returned his attention to the two still seated. It was taking all of Cherry’s willpower to stay still as realization that they were actually reading the trollfic. She hadn’t expected they’d read this one. Not this soon, at least. Maybe in the future as some sort of season finale sort of deal. But here they were. Four stories in and already they were hitting the big leagues.

This day was shaping up to be something good.

Even as the lights grew dark and the screen grew bright, the excitement coursing through her just would not leave.

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2!

Asahi rolled his eyes as he settled deeper into his seat. “Casual homophobia aside, if I remember right—or I don’t know if I’m even remembering or if this is the weird omniscient trivia bullshit of the theater—but Raven had her own fics on the site around the same time as when Gilesbie was posting this, yeah?” he asked, glancing to Briar and Cherry.

“Yeah,” Cherry nodded, adjusting her jumbo bucket on her lap. “It was just as ‘goffik’ as Tara’s writin’, but at least the spellin’ an’ grammar was better. But I wonder how long Raven will last. Beta readers an’ editors don’t last long in this kinda work.”

MCR ROX!

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“Debatable,” Cherry said, and frowned, “But the MCR obsession is actually pretty on par for 2006 mall goths. They were fuckin’ obsessed with the band. Like, sure, some of their music was fine an’ all, but they weren’t that amazing. I’m pretty sure that most of their fame came from being the goth icon of the time more than their quality of music.”

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

Asahi snorted a little and had to wipe the dribble of soda from his lip, while also using his sleeve to hide his smile. “Now that is an iconic and memed opening,” he said with a chuckle. “But man, that is one hell of a way to start a story, I’m kind of impressed. It’s definitely the sort of opener that you won’t forget.”

“Talk about a fuckin’ mouthful of a name, though,” Cherry laughed, doubling over and nearly spilling her popcorn. “An’ the apostrophe in ‘Darkness’, like are ya supposed to pronounce it differently? Is it said Dark Ness instead’a Darkness? Oh, man, I will not be able to take that seriously.”

Briar hummed, tapping a finger on the armrest of his seat. “Pale with long, dark hair and blue eyes… she actually does bear some resemblance to Amy Lee. Fair, I suppose, considering Amy Less is another ‘goth icon’ of the 2000s, and that the story’s title is based off of a Evanescence song.”

I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.

Smile falling, Asahi made a face of disgust. “That’s some weird incestuous implications you’re making,” he pointed out. “I swear to God, if you have a brother-fucking kink, I’m out of here.”

I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.

“Vampires are often depicted with straight and white teeth. It goes along with the ‘ethereal beauty’ of their kind to make them more efficient hunters,” Briar pointed out, arching a brow at that line. “Unless you mean to say you have no fangs, which in turn would make you an ineffective vampire, akin to a declawed cat being an ineffective hunter.”

I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen).

Asahi frowned, “Hogwarts is in Scotland.”

“Why do people keep thinking Hogwarts is in England?” Cherry demanded, glaring at the screen, “Is it cause Harry is British that they think, oh, ‘I just guess that Hogwarts is just across the street, no way it’s in a different country!’?”

I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell)

“You’re a goth?” Asahi asked with wide eyes and mouth agape, his voice rising several pitches to accentuate his mockery. “Oh, I would have had no idea you were a mall goth had you not told me, it’s just impossible to tell.”

Briar raised a hand like a student in class, “She keeps saying goth, but you’ve both referred to her as ‘mall goths’,” he began when Cherry and Asahi diverted their attention to him. “What is the difference between the two?”

Cherry cackled a little, twisting in her seat so she could face Briar directly. “Well, I ain’t an expert, but in my experience, mall goths are basically the ‘posers’ of the goths. They’re the ones who think they’re goth cause they act edgy an’ buy their wardrobe from Hot Topic, an because they got a shrine to MCR.”

“That’s not entirely fair, though,” Asahi cut in, turning to look at Briar. “Goth is, in and of itself, a music-based subculture. So why wouldn’t ‘mall goths’ take inspiration from bands like My Chemical Romance and Evanescence when the music genre is where the aesthetic comes from?” he asked, moving to wedge his soda between his knees so he could move his hands as he spoke. “Goth is an aesthetic subculture based around gothic rock music. The issue with Way is that her concept of goth means you are obsessed with My Chemical Romance, you are a satanist—and while some goths do identify as pagan or satanist, that is not a prerequisite of the style—and that you must be depressed, suicidal, or practice some form of self-harm. Gilesbie pushes the belief that those aspects are the core of what being a goth is, when that is far from true. And it’s not just an issue with her, it was a common misconception ‘mall goths’ fostered during the era this was written. While those traits can be aspects of goth culture, that does not mean that it is what the aesthetic is.”

“Fair, fair,” Cherry conceded, holding her hands up in surrender, and just as quick she flicked her wrists to point at him, “But let’s not forget how Tara keeps mistakin’ emo an’ goth as being one an’ the same. They aren’t. Sure, there’s the occasional overlap, but they’re two different subcultures of the goth an’ punk music genres. Hell, a lot of the clothing styles and traits she talks about in this fic fall more in the emo aesthetic than the goth aesthetic!”

Briar frowned, looking at the two, taking a few moments to try and process and understand all that had just been dumped on him. “You two… know an awfully lot about this subject and it’s role in the story,” he said, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

Face flushing and ears burning, Asahi ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well… I may have read a Japanese translation of the story a few years ago. So I’m not quite going into this blind like I have the others.”

Cherry laughed, awkward and sharp, as she began brushing her fingers through one of her pigtails. “Same. There were a lot of dramatic readin’s an’ commentaries about this story a while back… an I may have read an’ listened to them a few times,” she confessed, and laughed again. “But, yeah, Ebony is more mall goth with a bit of emo mixed in than she is goth-goth. Which is valid. Hot Topic’s become more an anime merch store than anything, but if that’s your style then power to ya.”

and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

Asahi hummed, shaking his head, “She does a lot of descriptions like this, and she does wear a lot of black. Kind of funny, though,�� he said, pausing as he skimmed over the text again. “She frequently talks about how much she hates pink because it’s a ‘preppy’ color, but she also frequently wears pink.”

“She’s a fuckin’ hypocrite is what she is,” Cherry explained and shrugged, tossing some popcorn into her mouth. “The outfit info dump gets old fast, an’ a lot of the wardrobes are typical 2000s mall goth stuff. It’s just a list of shit their wearin’ like they’re Hot Topic mannequins.”

“That sounds exhausting,” Briar murmured.

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.

“You’re a vampire,” the Huntsman emphasized, waving his hand in the air as if to underline the word. “Why wouldn’t you be delighted to go outside and not worry about sunlight?”

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Asahi groaned, running a hand down his face. “I forgot that Gilesbie—and Way by extension—are feral on the ‘goths vs. preps’ stuff,” he muttered, and then turned to look to Briar. “You remember from the first story how Harry Potter is supposed to be the usual ‘good vs. evil’ schtick? This story essentially ‘goths vs. preps’.”

“With the occasional ‘poser’ bashing from both sides,” Cherry added cheerily. “Cause neither group likes a poser.”

Briar stared at the both of them, unable to understand.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

He looked from the two younger companions to the screen, his brows pressed together. “Draco Malfoy… the school bully throughout the entire series, the all around unpleasant Slytherin student constantly being a classist, racist jerk to others… that’s this Draco?”

Asahi nodded, “Except instead of being an asshole, or the lovable, comedic StarKid Musical version, we get… this,” he said, gesturing to the screen. “A moody, sensitive, sweet little goth boy who is depressed and suicidal. Because, why not?”

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

Briar, who had been taking a sip of his water, jolted in his seat in a way that he might as well have been given a gut punch as he spluttered. “I’m sorry?” he asked, as if he had misread the text. “Shyly? Draco. Malfoy. Shy? What?”

“I told you,” Asahi said with a shrug, leaning back and stealing a few pieces of popcorn from Cherry. All’s fair when she always did it to him. “He’s just a shy little goth boy. Not a royal asshole and bastard.”

“Come on, Briar,” Cherry chided with a disappointed look on her face, “You’ve read three of these stories so far, are ya really all that shocked that they’d bastardize the character in such a way?”

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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Briar sighed, shaking his head. Even with all they had read before this, something about this story kept his reeling. “So, in summary of this one chapter; all Ebony has done is describe her looks, flip off some random people, and ask a boy what was up,” he recited, and sighed. “Are all chapters going to be like this?”

Asahi shrugged, “More or less.”

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

Cherry laughed, “Good? No. Not at all,” she said with a grin. “Was it hilarious? Yes. Abso-fuckin’-lutely.”

“You can take comfort in this; most of the chapters are fairly short,” Asahi said, reaching out to pat a hand on Briar’s shoulder. “It’s easy to digest, and the spelling and grammar is pretty good when compared Swansin and Brightmoon’s stories. This one is actually enjoyable in the insanity of it all.”

Briar groaned, sinking deeper on himself. “If you compare it to those two, then the bar is in the Nine Hells with how low you’ve set it,” he muttered, shaking his head. “You’re only saying it’s enjoyable because the both of you have read this before. You know what to expect.”

“Doesn’t mean we won’t still flip out.”

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

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“It’s a shame it got taken off Fanfiction.net, cause I’d love to see what sort of reviews people were leavin’ this fic,” Cherry confessed with a languid shrug. “This fic attracted loads of attention, granted mostly negative cause people are mean, but the first chapter was pretty inoffensive compared to the bullshit comin’.”

Asahi nodded in agreement. “Plus, this took place when the ‘gothic self-insert’ was pretty common in fanfiction, so you wouldn’t think people would be losing their minds over a story like that like they probably would now.”

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

“But where did she get the bottle of blood from?” Cherry asked, leaning forward and resting her chin on her folded hands. “Cause like, she’s a vampire, so I can understand just havin’ blood bottles or packets on hand. Better than bitin’ random students. But where did she get the blood?”

Briar grimaced and shook his head, “I don’t think we want to know.”

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.

“Black ebony as opposed to… all the other colors of ebony,” Asahi said, making a face and shaking his head and picking up his notebook, making two tally marks on the blank page. “But that’s the second ‘pink’ she possesses. I’m making this into a tally for when she starts screaming about how awful a color pink is.”

Cherry hummed, “Honestly? I’m kinda diggin’ the aesthetic,” she said with a grin when the boys looked at her. “What? That is so the coffin I’d wanna be buried in when I die. Just add a skateboard engravin’ on the top an it’d be all set.”

I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

“Again, with the MCR obsession,” Asahi said, rolling his eyes. “But… I’ll admit that’s not a terrible look.”

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

“Oh, no,” Briar said in a monotone voice. “Another friend-insert. Wonder how long she will last, or will she suffer the same fate as the past ones.”

Cherry hummed, finger on her chin, and then shook her head, “I honestly don’t really remember what happens with her.”

woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“See,” Asahi said, gesturing to the screen. “Mall goth.”

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

Briar frowned and raised a brow. “Yes, so?” he asked, trying to make sense of the excitement Willow had. “It was a two second conversation consisting solely of just saying hello while passing by each other. There really isn’t anything to get worked up over.”

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Press X to doubt,” Cherry cackled, swatting Asahi’s hand away from her popcorn. Oh how the roles have reversed.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“She is so not into him, that’s why she’s flirting,” Asahi said, rolling his eyes as he spoke. “But talk about whiplash. One second yelling how she’s not into him, but as soon as he shows up she’s all over him. Is that normal for teen girls?”

“No,” Cherry answered. “It ain’t.”

“Guess what.” he said.

“You’re… transferring schools,” Briar guessed.

“His dad finally got arrested like the bastard deserves,” Cherry joined in, pointing a finger at the screen.

“You’re getting expelled for being an asshole,” Asahi offered.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Obviously it has to be second to My Chemical Romance, nothing is allowed to dethrone them in your heart,” Asahi muttered, but he had a little grin on his face and a soft chuckle to his voice. Just as quick it was gone and replaced by a critical look on his face. “This is seventh year, that’s around ‘95 or ‘96. I can get over American bands hanging out in Scotland, but Good Charlotte didn’t start touring for another four or five years.”

“Also, isn’t the Hogsmeade a wizarding-only village?” Briar asked, tilting his head at the thought. “A Muggle band performing there at all is strange. Unless she’s trying to imply that Good Charlotte is actually a wizard band.”  

Cherry nodded and crossed her arms over her chest. “But here we see where she blurs the lines between what’s Goth, because GC ain’t goth by any means. They’re like a punk pop kind of emo. Same as MCR was at the time, now that I think of it,” She said and shrugged. “Like I said before, she doesn’t know the difference between goth an’ emo.”

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

“Because that is absolutely a gasp worthy moment,” Asahi rolled his eyes.

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

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Asahi cringed and slumped in his seat. “The quality difference between the author notes and the story itself are jarring. At least we know Raven is doing a good job of editing the story,” he murmured.

“I still wanna see those old reviews,” Cherry said.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.

“All this corset stuff?” Briar asked, trying to just imagine that and falling up short.

Cherry made a face and shook her head. “Ripped fishnet leggin’s don’t even look that great in my opinion. It’s just.. meh.”

I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

“And this is something I really hate about this story. The glorification of self-harm,” Asahi growled, gesturing to the screen. “Hurting yourself is a serious thing, but this story acts like it’s normal and acceptable behavior, that it’s expected of you if you’re goth. It’s… it’s digusting!”

Cherry nodded, “Plus, not sure why you’d be depressed when you’re headin’ out to see one of your fav bands with a boy you like. That sounds like somethin’ you’d be happy for.”

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

Briar frowned, cocked his head to the side, and tried to make sense of that. “But you very clearly said you were wearing white foundation earlier. Now you wont because you’re ‘already pale’?”

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

“So, let’s play a game.” Cherry said, clapping her hands together. “Is she drinkin’ blood cause she A; needs to compensate for the lost blood after cutting herself. B; needs a pre-concert snack. Or C; this is just normal concert prep.”

Asahi rolled his eyes but grinned a little. “C. This is obviously what she does every time she goes out.”

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

“Oh, yes, his flying car,” Asahi muttered and gave a little scoff. “Wizards and tech don’t mesh. Wizards are painfully out of touch with the average Muggle life and world. It makes Way’s obsession with Hot Topic and Muggle music weird if she wasn’t from a Muggle family but I digress. There are flying cars so it’s not completely asinine, but it’s a one-of-a-kind item enchanted by the Weasley father. Because he is fascinated with technology. Him even enchanting the car was illegal because enchanting Muggle technology is illegal.”

Cherry shrugged and slumped back in her seat. “Since when has legality ever mattered to the Malfoys?” she asked and waved a hand in the air. “But yeah, for as ‘above it all’ as they are, an’ for how much they look down on the Weasley’s for their interest in the Muggle world, Lucius would beat Draco’s ass if he even so much as implied he wanted a flyin’ car. So yeah, this makes no fuckin’ sense.”

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Again!” Asahi yelled, gesturing wildly at the screen. “A; an American Muggle band, so why the hell are they at Hogsmeade? B; they aren’t a goth band. Like Good Charlotte, they’re pop punk, they’re emo. And C; Simple Plan wasn’t a thing in ’96!”

Cherry sighed, sinking deeper into her seat, shaking her head in disappointment. “For someone who claims to be a goth, she really focuses on 2000s emo bands, an’ not the actual gothic rock bands that started the aesthetic. Most of them were still active when Harry Potter took place. Most of them are even from the UK!” she complained. “Would it kill her to namedrop The Cure, or Bauhaus? Or even Siouxsie and the Banshees? Those are the gothic rock bands that a fuckin’ ‘hardcore goth’ like Ebony woulda been gushin’ over!”

“I suppose it’s because she, for as much of a goth as she claims to be, doesn’t know of any bands outside of her echo chamber and ‘mall goth’ genre, as you two kept referring to her as,” Briar suggested.

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Nothing conveys depression quite like the exclamation point,” Asahi mocked.

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

“Again,” he continued, pinching the bridge of his nose and trying his best to not start seething. “The idea that Draco would own and operate a flying car is not only illegal, but a huge social taboo for him. He’d get disowned and humiliate his family, he’d never drive!”

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

Cherry made a loud ‘boo’ as she kicked her feet up. “Just say you’re smokin’ weed, ya prude!”

Briar actually chuckled a little at that, ducking his head to hide the amused smile as he shook his head. “She has no qualms talking about and glorify cutting herself, but saying she smokes marijuana is a line she will not cross.”

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“I think it’s pretty obvious you don’t own the rights to a Good Charlotte song,” Asahi scoffed, rolling his eyes, and for a moment he tried to end it there, but the need to complain was too strong, so he kept going. ‘The song is “The Chronicles of Life and Death’, and wow, I can’t even say ‘The Chroncles’ without getting Swansin flashbacks,” he said, shuddering at the memory before dragging himself back on topic. “The song came out in 2004. 2004. Need I remind you the story takes place in 1995?”

“At this point, I’m convinced the bands are all secret time travelers,” Cherry shrugged, “it’s a stupid fuckin’ excuse, but it’s the most logical story-wise.”

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“I understand that they’re teenagers, but getting upset because someone you like has a crush on a celebrity is just silly,” Briar pointed out, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Finding someone’s voice attractive is normal. Having a crush on a bard is normal if the bard is any decent at playing.”

Cherry shrugged, “It’s like if I was datin’ someone, and while we were watchin’ TV I said that I thought Gal Gadot was crazy beautiful, an’ they got all sad and jelly. Like dude, it’s a celebrity crush, it doesn’t mean anything!”

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

Immediately, Cherry shuddered and gagged. “Fuck, I forgot about that weird bit,” she muttered, shaking her head. “It was weird enough when they were datin’ back in 04 cause she was like sixteen and he was almost thirty. But like Asahi keeps complaining, this takes place in 96 or something. Homegirl would have been nine. Fuckin’ nine!”

Briar took a deep breath and dug his nails into his seat. “That makes it worse,” he muttered, before placing his head in his hands, weaving fingers through loose strands of hair. “This is so much worse.”

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees.

“Because concert tees is very gothic,” Asahi said, rolling his eyes before slow clapping, “But yeah, nothing cooler than underage drinking at a concert. So doesn’t make you look like an idiot.”

Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

Briar placed his hands together and slowly pointed to the screen while keeping his hands together. “I do respect the dramatic use of ellipses. I can just hear the exaggerated dramatic pause in my head,” he said slowly, but there was the unsaid ‘but’ left in the air. “I do have to wonder why they crawled into the car that Draco very much should not have.”

“It’s cause they got so drunk they forgot how to walk,” Cherry said and shrugged. “They made stupid choices, drank too much, an’ now they’re makin’ even stupider choices going into the Forbidden Forest of all places.”

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!

“You heard it straight from the horses mouth,” Asahi announced, clapping his hands together, chuckling softly at the humor of it all. “Her name is now Enoby Dark’Ness blah-blah-blah Way.”

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

Cherry threw a handful of popcorn at the screen. “Boo!” she yelled. “That’s a fuckin’ weak justification. I’d believe it, maybe, in an enemies to lovers fic where ya show Draco being his usual superiority complex asshole self. But all ya show us is a whiny wimp because he’s a simp!”

“Do they ever show how they knew each other before?” Asahi asked, paused, then shrugged, “I don’t actually remember, but I doubt it. It’s just a pitiful excuse to justify mischaracterization.

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“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Briar nodded in approval, “He’s taking you into the Forbidden Forest in the middle of the night. It’s smart to be demanding answers for why he’s doing that. For all you know, he’s brought you out here to kill you.”

Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“At least they didn’t crawl this time,” Cherry chuckled.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

“I’m trying to figure out if she’s mad because Malfoy brought her to this secluded forest in the hopes of having sex, or if it’s because he brought her to the Forbidden Forest,” Asahi mused, tapping a finger to his chin as he spoke. “If you remember, this forest is off-limits because there is a myriad of dangerous creatures that would have no qualms tearing her and Draco apart limb by limb and feasting on their innards. But at the same time, I don’t think Way has any sense of self-preservation.”

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

“Cause it’s so hard to stay mad in the face of so much depression and evil,” Cherry remarked, tossing some popcorn into her mouth and then jerking forward as a kernel got stuck in her throat. It took a few moments of coughing before it got dislodged. “Whoah. Almost died. That woulda been a sad way to go. Died choking on popcorn reading My Immortal.”

And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.

“So much passion,” Briar monotoned, crossing his legs and leaving his hands on his lap. “Just too much passion to handle, it’s extremely erotic.”

“So erotic it’d put Fifty Shades of Grey to shame,” Cherry agreed.

Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.

“That just doesn’t make any sense,” Asahi complained with a shake of his head, waving at the screen. “Never mind the weirdness that is ‘making out keenly’, he climbed on top of her and then made out with her against a tree? So he climbed on top of her, then immediately got off of her so they could make out against a tree?”

Cherry shrugged, “Be nice, she’s never written smut before.”

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.

Briar started to speak but stopped, bringing a hand to his mouth as he thought it over. “I’m… trying to figure out the logistics of her outfit. I would have thought because she was wearing a corset, or ‘corset stuff’ that she wouldn’t need to wear a bra.”

“Twenty bucks says that she doesn’t know how corsets work and thinks you still wear bras with them,” Cherry laughed.

Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.

Asahi rolled his eyes, “She wrote a sex scene with as much feeling as an IKEA instruction manual,” he complained, shaking his head and slouching in his seat. “Even in the books I’ve read that just glossed over a sex scene with a few sentences manage to make it more erotic than this.”

Cherry snickered, covering her hand over her mouth, “Oh? Do you read porn?” she teased.

Face flushing, Asahi reached over to swat her, “I don’t,” he spluttered, face darkening even more as she continued to laugh. “Some of the literature I read have brief scenes. Nothing graphic! A few sentences so readers get the idea and then it moves on!”

 And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

Briar broke into light laughter. “You… you can’t be serious,” he said staring up at the screen in disbelief, though he was grinning. “Now that is a line that I would be genuinely shocked if it didn’t gain any sort of… what’d you call it? Memes? Memes. Just, it’s so ridiculous.”

“Oh, it is iconic,” Cherry agreed, grinning widely.

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!

“If nothing else, you have to respect the sheer amount of confidence Gilesbie has to believe the only reason she’s receiving negative feedback is because the ‘non-gothic crowd’ are reading and being haters because she’s goth,” Asahi said with a soft chuckle.

Cherry threw another handful of popcorn at the screen, “How dare you! Are you tryin’ to say I’m a prep? Bitch I am a skater girl, show some fuckin’ respect!” she shouted, but the smile on her face showed she took no offense.

Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!

“Ah, the ‘he did it because of a headache’ excuse, a classic,” Briar said, before shaking his head, his disappointment evident and immeasurable. “Your excuse is as flaccid as Draco’s cock after Dumbledore showed up.”

PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

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“And we will never know if she actually got those five good reviews, but she certainly did update,” Asahi mused, and sagged. “She kept updating.”

Cherry frowned and drew her knees close to her chest. “I still wanna see the OG reviews,” she complained, “I hope the ones who left those good reviews did it cause they wanted to see how much further she’d keep this trash fire of a fic going. I’d have revied nicely just out of morbid curiosity.”

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

“Hopefully he allowed you two to dress yourselves first,” Briar mused, then thought it over and shrugged, “Though the walk of shame back to Hogwarts might be a fitting punishment.”

“But he’s not wrong, they sure as hell are fools,” Cherry pointed out.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.

“Fuck,” Asahi groaned, closing his eyes and giving a low exhale. “I forgot that ‘crying tears of blood’ was a thing in this story. And it happens so freaking much that it’s annoying. Not even a vampire thing, either.”

“It’s just a weird power goths apparently have,” Cherry frowned. “Tara thinks goths can cry blood. Which just… is very detrimental to one’s health.”

Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

“They don’t even know what happened and they’re already angry,” Briar hummed, shifting in his seat and tilting his head. “Maybe they all have headaches like Dumbledore.”

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

Asahi leaned close to Cherry, eyes staying on the screen, “You know how she said he’s mad because he had a headache? I think Gilesbie lied,” he said is a faux whisper, like it was some kind of horrible scandal. “I think he’s really mad because they were in the Forbidden Forest like a bunch of idiots.”

“The forest is off-limits for a reason. The two are technically adults by wizarding law so two consenting seventeen-year-olds scampering off to have some adult fun times isn’t too much of an issue,” Cherry agreed with a nod. “Them going into the Forbidden Forest despite being forbidden Yeah, no, people gonna be pissed.”

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

Briar nodded, “You know what? I like this lady,” he said approvingly.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

“I call bullshit,” Asahi yelled.

“Oh, it’s definitely bullshit,” Cherry agreed once again. “It was less about love an’ more about being horny idiots.”

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Cherry burst out into laughter. “Yes, because fuckin’ Snape is the one who’d be ‘okay, you can go, it’s fine’ and send them off without even a slap on the wrist. Snape! Not the stern an’ fair McGonagall, or the eccentric old fuck Dumbledore who forgives and forgets too easily,” she said, curling in on herself as she laughed.

“If this happened in canon, it’d be an actual miracle if Snape didn’t severely punish both and then deduct a good number of points from House Slytherin,” Asahi said with a disbelieving shake of his head.

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied.

“I don’t understand why home girl is so upset. If I got caught doing what she did, and got off scot-free, I’d be buzzing with joy an’ excitement,” Cherry said shaking her head. “Or maybe the problem is that she didn’t get off.”

“Gross,” Asahi said, pushing her away from himself.

I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.

“But… why?” Briar asked. “You have a school uniform you wear, and assuming you aren’t going to class, you’d be slipping into something to sleep in. A floor length lace dress and heels is not sleepwear.”

When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom,

“Completely ignoring the fact that Hogwarts dorm enchantments prevents boys from entering the girls dorms,” Asahi frowned. “Because it’d be inconvenient for the story. Though it is strange that no one minds Draco hanging out outside the girls’ bathroom.”

“It ain’t the girls bathroom, though. It’s Enoby’s bathroom.” Cherry corrected. “Cause they treat this like college dorms where only two people sleep in a room, but extra fancy because she has her own personal bathroom connected to it.”

and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte.

Asahi clapped his hands together, “And how to tell your audience you don’t actually know anything about the song beyond it’s name, without actually telling your audience that,” he announced before shaking his head. “That song is about dealing with fame. Not exactly a goth song.”

“I stand by my statement before. She needs to implement real gothic music. I wanna hear her talk about The Cure! Hell, I’ll take Nightwish, it’s metal instead of rock, but it’s still goth!”

I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there.

“So, you do know he’s not supposed to be there!” Asahi yelled. “What is with you and refusing to follow the rules?”

We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

“Don’t want to risk Dumbledore bursting in and ruining the mood, again,” Briar chuckled.

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

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“I still don’t know if she’s getting’ any good reviews, but I sure hope she was getting’ some praise for McGonagall and Dumbledore, just for the hilarity they provided,” Cherry said, kicking her feet lightly at the ground. “I swear to fuck, though, if someone is able to find all the original reviews, I’mma be readin’ each one!”

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

Briar made a face, “You just… spray painted…” he struggled. “Is that...?”

“It’s not normal,” Asahi said before Briar could finish, crossing his arms over his chest. “There’s some spray cans for temporary hair colors, for like holidays or sports events. But spray painting your hair is not the same, and it’s really bad for your hair. Once the paint dries her hair will be solid and inflexible.”

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.

“Because Count Chocula is so gothic,” Asahi said, before grimacing and shaking his head, “But eating it with blood just sounds disgusting. And where are you even getting all this blood from? How is this okay?”

Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.

“Because being a goth boy immediately makes it okay that he made you spill blood on yourself,” Asahi huffed before taking a sip of his soda. “It’s like if I dropped and broke something but decided not to yell at the one who caused me to drop it because she had a pretty face. It’s stupid.”

He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick.

“That you were going down his face?” Briar asked, quirking a brow. “I mean, that seems awfully forward of you for a boy you only just met. But hey, you’ve already shown to be impulsive towards anything you think is gothic.”

He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

Cherry shook her head, “Yep. It’s Harry. Titular character Harry. Who is now a goth boy. Dude ditched his glasses for colored contacts and somehow got rid of a scar, cause you can just will those away,” she snarked, raising a hand to the screen before dropping it back down onto her lap. “Like everyone else in this trainwreck fic, he’s ditched his entire personality, too.”

He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent.

“He’s seventeen,” Asahi pointed out, unimpressed. “I highly doubt his stubble is manly. It’s more likely to be patchy and embarrassing. But also, may I remind you that most of the students are English. Having a ‘sexy English accent’ is the norm.”

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

Briar shook his head, “You could have said that at the start and have saved us all this infodump of information,” he chided. “At least Joel and Harry would be around the same age, or should be around the same age if it were not for her bullshit timeline.”

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“It’s fine, Ebony,” Cherry assured her with a grin as she rested her head on her folded hands. “Girls can get boners, too. Nothin’ to be ashamed of.”

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“Because Harry is shy,” Briar said and shook his head. “What is it about her that makes all the boys shy around her? She’s not all that attractive if her descriptions are anything to go by, and her personality is as foul as a cesspit. You would think the boys would want nothing to do with her.”

“It’s the power of a Mary Sue,” Asahi explained, crossing his arms over his chest. “You would think that no one would have wanted to be around Swansin, what with her abusive and murderous tendencies, but she was loved by all. Brightmoon was just inept, and yet people fawned over her. Way is no different.”

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

Cherry sighed, leaning forward, “I really wanna pick apart each line cause, what the fuck, but also… what the fuck?” she said, and reached up to tug lightly on a pigtail. “Tara just really does not like to use ‘said’ here. An’ it’s…well… ya see the results.”

“This is why any writing advice that tells you to use ‘said’ as little as possible annoys me. The emotional range of this exchange is all over the place,” Asahi complained, glaring at the screen. “He’s grumbling, and giggling, and whimpering, all in a span of a few sentences. While Way is just screaming and roaring like she’s angry.”

“I think it should also be mentioned that Ebony has been going to school with Harry for seven years now, and yet she doesn’t know him,” Briar pointed out, gesturing to the screen with a ‘does that even make sense?’ expression. “Considering what we know of Ebony so far, Harry and Draco’s history, and that Harry has somehow been nicknamed ‘Vampire’ by the student body for his proclivity for human blood… unless you have quite literally been living underneath a rock for these last seven years, it’s impossible for her to have not known of him.”

Cherry shrugged, “I think it’s more a point towards how self-absorbed Ebony is, ya know? He’s not in her immediate circle so he does not exist for as far as she cared.”

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

“You know, maybe instead of being horny idiots, you should actually go to class,” Asahi suggested with a lazy drawl. “You might learn something important.”

“I still can’t get over that she only now met Harry, who’s a blood-drinkin’ goth,” Cherry muttered, shaking her head as she spoke. “An’ he somehow lost his scar. How does that even happen?”

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

Asahi shook his head, “For the record, I want it to be known that I hate when authors do this,” he grumbled, gesturing to the screen. “Either name all your chapters, or leave them numbered. Don’t just name a few and call it good. It looks stupid that way!”

“If I remember right, the chapter title doesn’t even have anythin’ to do with the chapter itself,” Cherry mused.

“That makes it worse!”

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!

“Look, I’m sure you don’t mean anything bad by it, but you need to understand that the Gods already have a lot on their plate. They already gave you five reviews. Asking for fifteen is really pushing your luck,” Briar warned.

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

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“You’re right. Evony is a computer game,” Cherry replied cheekily, earning snickers from her companions.

Shaking his head and smiling from the joke, Asahi diverted his attention back to the screen and let his expression cool back into something more critical. “I am sure we don’t have to say it, but Way is such a Mary Sue. Even to this day she’s used as the prime example of what one is like,” he said, raising a hand to gesticulate as he spoke. “It’s not because she’s ‘pretty’, or because she’s an author-insert. It’s because her very presence warps reality and canon. Despite this taking place in Harry Potter and not an AU, the plot isn’t the fight between good and evil, of the impending destruction Voldemort plans. It’s goths against preps. It’s because every character falls to Way’s feet, and that none of her supposed ‘flaws’ hamper her in any way like a flaw should. You say her being depressed is her flaw, but the only time we see her ‘depressed’ is in caricatures of what depression is like. You say being a Satanist is her flaw, but how is ones religious beliefs a flaw?”

Asahi folded his hands together to prop his chin atop his interlocked fingers. “In a world of fully fleshed out and rounded characters, Way is the center of it all, and for no believable reason. That is why she is a Mary Sue.”

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

“Having black nail polish with Satanic sigils on them does not make or break your status as a Mary Sue,” Briar pointed out, paused, and then gave a little nod. “It does say that whoever did your nails has an impressive talent for it if they were able to paint Satanic signs on each nail.”

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.

“And that, my friends, ain’t a typo,” Cherry announced with a giddy cackle. “Vampire is jealous of homegirl. Not Draco. Cause being goth and a guy automatically makes ya bi in this story. Which I dunno, is that a stereotype? Whatever. Basically the three just need to get their shit together and be poly like the cool kids.”

Asahi nodded in agreement. “Polygamy would solve the problem with so many love triangles.”

Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.

“Getting some mixed signals here,” Asahi said, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all. “They’re so passive and uninterested while they’re kissing, but they’re just excited to do the deed when it comes to stripping each other.”

“They’re just having a really boring conversation bout’ the croissants while feeling each other up,” Cherry explained.

He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Yes, actually,” Briar nodded, watching dispassionately. “As mentioned the first time in the Forbidden Forest, your sex scenes are written more like a step-by-step instruction manual than anything passionate. It comes off as incredibly dull."

Asahi nodded and cocked his head to the side. “The implications that she has a dick—excuse me, a ‘boy’s thing’—is rather interesting, though,” he mused. “That, combined with the erection comment earlier… would it be too soon to start to headcanon her as trans?”

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm

“So hot. So raunchy,” Cherry drawled with a wry smile and a shake of her head.

when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

“I really think you should start going to class, because you clearly can’t count,” Asahi pointed out, nodding to the screen. “Vampire is one word. Not multiple.”

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“But why is she so angry? Vampire doesn’t automatically mean it’s referring to Harry. She’s a vampire, and vampires are a common figure in the goth subculture that it could mean anything. It could be referring to her, for all she knows,” Briar pointed out. “She only just met Vampire that day, there’s no reason for her to assume that he and Draco were ever a thing.”

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

Asahi gave a low whistle. “And there is the homophobia we’ve come to expect in these sorts of stories,” he said, shaking his head. “But of course she’s got to go with the biggest stereotype of all, that being gay means you get AIDs. Just… it’s hard to believe that people actually like her in this story when Way is such a bigot.”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.

“Not that any of us want to know how big his dick is, but you’d think that woulda been better mentioned during the IKEA sex scene,” Cherry said with a laugh.

I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

Asahi started laughing, curling up on himself slightly as he shook his head, trying to hide the grin as he read that line over again. “I guess Way caught Dumbledore’s headache. Must be a bug or something going around,” he snickered.

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

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Cherry gestured furiously at herself, at her skateboard, at her hair, even at her vans, all the while glaring at the screen. “Skater. Girl.”

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

Asahi snickered, shaking his head. “Reminder; Malfoy is stark naked, probably still half-hard, and just barged into a classroom full of students and Snape,” he said, and took in a deep breath as he closed his eyes. “He is not getting out of here unscathed. He will be lucky if it’s only his reputation, as damaged as it already is by Way, that gets ruined.”

“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.

“Looks like Ebony ain’t the only one with weird apostrophe’s in her name,” Cherry noted before going into muttering under her breath different ways to pronounce ‘B’loody’.

Asahi, however, frowned. “Raven, you’re slipping up now. Unless you wanted Smith to be mocking Way, which I’m sure is what we want, the word you’re looking for is ‘understandably' or ‘understandingly’.”

She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on.

“The black hair, red eyed trope is growing old, fast,” Briar muttered.

Cherry smiled sympathetically at him, “Oh, it never dies out. It’s an iconic look, but man is it overused. Especially for edge lords.”

She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.

“Whatever happened to being pale that you don’t need to wear white foundation, huh?” Asahi challenged, not that he’d get any response.

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed.

Briar took in a deep breath, placing a fist over his mouth as he digested this strain of bullshit. It took a few moments of mental debating and sorting before he closed his eyes and accepted this fate. “…It’s better than her dating Voldemort,” he decided.

It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger.

“Why would ya change her last name from something unique an’ fun to one of the most common an’ borin’ last names out there?” Cherry demanded. “Ya coulda at least changed her name to something cool and ‘gothic’ like… like Nightingale or somethin’!”

(Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor.)

Asahi shook his head, “I get that Slytherin has a bad rep, rightfully so, for being assholes and racists. Sure, they have some good alumni, like Merlin, but it’s most well known for churning out villains and assholes, like Voldemort and his followers. But there’s no association with Slytherin being Satanic, nor are students resorted into a different house because their beliefs changed.”

“Plus, havin’ only one magical parent wouldn’t make any more popular in Slytherin than if she stayed a muggle-born,” Cherry added. “Like Asahi said, Slytherin’s got a rep for being racist assholes to folks with muggle blood.”

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“That’s a good insult,” Cherry said approvingly.

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

There was a moment of silence, enough so that if there were crickets about they’d be heard chirping as the three took in the line.

Cherry broke it by breaking down into laughter. “Girl, how self-absorbed are ya?” she asked, wiping tears away. “You’re not even datin’ Vampire, how the fuck can he cheat on ya if you’re not datin?”

“Never mind the fact that you only just met today. Barely even enough time to call him a friend, let alone a boyfriend,” Asahi added with a grin.

I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me.

“And the random perspective switch,” Briar shook his head and frowned. “It would be nice if there was some notice. A line break or a new chapter. But no, we just get thrown right into it.”

I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony)

“And yet she has no problem being homophobic,” Asahi rolled his eyes. “This is less about them being bi and more that Gilesbie is the sort of homophobic weirdo who fetishizes bi men because she thinks guy-on-guy action is hot, but harbors bigotry towards real life gay and bi men. Like guys who watch lesbian porn but think lesbians are gross if he can’t watch them bang,”

“I don’t think we actually see her so much as flirt with other girls in this story,” Cherry added after a moment of thinking. “So, really, her status as ‘bi’ is just for show because it’s trendy.”0912

for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

“Sadly, it’s a thing of the past and we won’t get our Goth/Prep Romeo and Juliet love story,” Cherry lamented.

“Aside from his parents being murdered and the drama from the books, do we ever find out what these supposedly ‘horrible problems’ he went through were that made him a mall goth?” Briar asked.

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed.

“Back to Way’s perspective,” Asahi remarked and then shook his head. “Not only is she a Mary Sue, but she is a prime example of toxicity. Heaven forbid her partner to have had relationships before her.”

I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

“Where she lost her virility,” Cherry snickered and elbowed Asahi. “Your transgirl theory is makin’ more sense by the chapter!”

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!

“Now I don’t think you need to have intimate knowledge about the source material to write fanfiction, but I do believe you need to have a strong understanding of the characters your writing,” Asahi said with a frown.

dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

“I only ever read the first book, the my knowledge comes from movies only, an’ even I know that’s a shit explanation,” Cherry chided. “The only really out of character moment Dumbledore had was the meme-worthy moment where he aggressively demanded to know if Harry put his name in the goblet. Even then, that moment alone wouldn’t explain why Dumbledore’s like that.”

“He is the epitome of serene most of the time, even in the movies,” Briar agreed.

besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

“Because a headache explains everything,” Asahi rolled his eyes.

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

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“Snape is an overall unpleasant guy who seems to not like his students in general, but his attitude towards Potter is because he went to school with his parents. Potter’s dad, who he looks just like, was a huge bully to him, so of course the guy is gonna resent him for that. It’s human nature. Plus, he had a borderline obsessive crush on Potter’s mom,” Asahi explained narrowing his eyes at the screen for its weak explanation. “Snape may protect Potter from time to time, but it’s because of his love for the kids mom. Snape never liked Potter, and he doesn’t need crap excuses to justify it now.”

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me.

“Repeat after me,” Briar said, folding his hands together. “A past relationship from a time before you and him were dating is not cheating.”

“Girl is so insecure she can’t stand the thought that Draco might have liked someone before her,” Cherry said with a pitying shake of her head. “It’s sad, really.”

I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!

“A few things to point out,” Asahi said, because of course there were. “Voldemort isn’t really human anymore, and something really interesting is that he doesn’t need a broom. He can sort of just fly without one because he’s that much more powerful than the others. But also; why isn’t he gothic in this? How do Potter and Granger fit more as being mall goths for her than Voldemort?”

“It’s because he’s not pretty enough,” Cherry answered.

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“You know, I’m impressed she remembered this one,” Briar mused. “And she used it right. Sure, she’s a little off, it’s imperio, not imperius, but it’s impressive all the same.”

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him.

“And I take that back,” Briar frowned, shaking his head. “Crookshanks is a cat. Crucio is the curse. That kind of mistake is not quite as forgivable as Imperius.”

“She shouldn’t even be able to cast a spell!” Cherry complained. “She’s under the Imperius Curse! That’s bullshit!”

“That’s called Mary Sue powers,” Asahi said.

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Not much of a sadist then. But I think feeling bad for hurting the Dark Lord is a lot more problematic than being aroused by torturing others,” Briar said with a frown.

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

The three groaned.

“No! Not Ye Olde English, not again!” Asahi complained, slumping in his seat and holding his head between his hands. “Didn’t we suffer through that enough with Cullen?”

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

“Interesting that you have some conflicting feelings about murder, not because it’s a morally wrong crime, but because he reminds you of your celebrity crush,” Briar mused, watching with mild interest. “That’s rather… shallow, of you.”

“Everything about Way is as shallow as a puddle,” Asahi said.

I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

The three groaned. The level of stupidity this character showed was astronomical. Maybe the two were dating before she and Draco got together? Gee, you think? It was ridiculous that she was only now figuring that out. But, as they had mentioned already, Ebony was such a self-absorbed character that it was little wonder it would take her so long to figure it out.

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun.

Asahi started laughing. It started off as a sharp wheeze like a dying cat before breaking into chuckles. “Holy. Shit,” he breathed, shaking his head. “I… I can’t even. The sheer ridiculousness of Voldemort, a powerful wizard, giving a teenage girl a gun… it’s…holy shit,” he said, giggling and folding in on himself to try and control it.

It was infectious. Even Briar started chuckling as Cherry snickered, patting Asahi on the back. “If havin’ a flyin’ car is bad, how bad’s Mr. I Hate Muggles givin’ her a gun?”

“Really, really stupid!” Asahi laughed.

“No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”

Briar, still chuckling, shook his head. “How necessary even is this? If Voldemort can’t do this himself, which he’s failed in his last attempts, why would he enlist some random, mentally unstable, and unwilling girl instead of one of his Death Eaters? It just seems like a plan doomed to fail.”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

Asahi had only just begun to recover from his laughing fit, but one look at that line sent him spiraling into a whole new one.

“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.

“I don’t think ya know what telekinesis is, my dude,” Cherry said as she rubbed Asahi’s back. “Being able to move shit around with your mind doesn’t have anything to do with knowing her secrets. So ya might wanna direct that ‘dude-you’re-so-retarded’ look at a mirror.”

“And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hah,” Asahi said, letting out one final wheeze before shaking his head. “Talk about whiplash.”

“Eh, it’s the norm now,” Cherry shrugged.

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

“Yes, I ‘geddit’,” Briar said, his face scrunched up into something bitter over having to say that. “But you need five people if you want a pentagram. So maybe learn your shapes and numbers.”

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

Asahi nodded, “I’d hope he wasn’t feeling okay after being accused of cheating because your girlfriend met your ex,” he said and glared at the screen. “Malfoy deserves better than her.”

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

Cherry gestured to the screen. “That is not an okay apology. That puts the blame on Draco. ‘I’m sorry I got mad, but I only did it cause I thought you were cheatin’’ is not okay.  Holy shit, if anyone’s partner does shit like that, they need to get dumped ASAP. A good partner woulda apologized for getting mad, and also apologize for assumin’ shit after refusin’ to listen to them explain.”

“Way continues to be a toxic romantic partner,” Asahi said, shaking his head in disappointment.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

Briar nodded, “That is kind of impressive, actually. Being able to walk while making out. Good synchronization and spatial awareness even when not watching where they’re going.”

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!

“And she continues to be homophobic, despite having multiple bi characters and past Drarry,” Asahi said, slow clapping, but there was a slight smile on his face. “The needlessly offensive attitude is actually kind of funny.”

“Well, in any case, I’m sure I’m not the only ‘gay fag’ who thinks this story is pretty great despite everything,” Briar said.

Asahi turned to her and gave him a quizzical gaze. “Oh, you’re gay?”

The Huntsman waved him off, “I think it’s more of a… pansexual? I’m not fully sure on all the terminology. But I like people regardless of what they do or don’t have, and with myself fluctuating between the sexes, it isn’t necessarily correct to say ‘straight’ or ‘gay’.”

“Sounds complicated,” Cherry hummed.

“Identities are always complicated.”

ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

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Asahi turned his attention to the story and rolled his eyes, “You can’t switch houses after being sorted, that’s not a thing that happens,” he bit back, and then shook his head. “And Granger was never a Muggle. She was Muggle-Born. Because her parents were Muggles. Right now only one parent is a wizard, that makes her a half-blood. Like majority of the wizarding world.”

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

“Because you’d only ever rehearse if you were upset,” Briar hummed, “Got it.”

Cherry, however, was cringing. “Holy cow. That is an awful name,” she said, shaking her head. “But it really, really is accurate for the absolute cringe of the 2000s edgelords and mall goths.”

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.

“Because of course she is, and of course they do. I’m starting to see more and more similarities between this and Swansin,” Asahi said, rolling his eyes before looking to Cherry. “Care to do the honors?”

Cherry grinned, eyes sparkling with glee. “Why, thank ya,” she said, nodding to him and turning to the screen. “Like with every other band with the exception of Evanescence; Slipknot ain’t goth! They’re a metal band. Completely different musical genre than what the goth aesthetic is from.”

Briar snorted, “Do the 2000s goths—mall goths, sorry—always act like emo, metal, and goth are all the same genre?”

“I was a baby in 2006, I dunno for sure… but the scar they’ve left on the internet implies that yes, they do.”

The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid.

“Okay. So many things to point out,” Asahi said with a light laugh. “She’s only just met Potter, so how is he in the band? Does that imply that the band is brand spanking new, or that he is fresh meat that’s recently joined the band?” he asked, looking between his companions but no response came. “The second; I know she means to call Weasley ‘Diablo’, but the fact that she instead named him after a circus prop is hilarious.”

Cherry shook her head, “I get the others in the band, but why’s Hagrid in the band? I know he’s the coolest dude on the block, but doesn’t make sense for him to join a student band.”

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead.

“I get the feeling that happens a lot,” Briar hummed, then stopped to think about it. “Actually, going off of Asahi’s point earlier… when did this band get formed? Draco and Ebony only recently started hanging out. Like Asahi mentioned, she only met Vampire recently, too. It also seems impossible for her to know Ron and Hermione—”

“B’loody Mary an’ Diabolo,” Cherry corrected.

Briar nodded. “B’loody Mary and Diabolo,” he repeated, “without knowing of Vampire.”

Asahi shook his head and patted the Huntsman on the arm, “That’s the thing with these stories. As soon as you try to make sense of it, everything crumbles. Obviously Gilesbie forgot literally everything she’s already established for the sake of putting Way in a ‘gothic’ band.”

“A gothic band that takes zero inspiration from gothic music and all the inspiration from alt rock and nu metal!” Cherry added with indignation.

I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire

Asahi rolled his eyes, “Glad to know you’re such a loving and caring girlfriend that your boyfriend cutting himself is such an inconsequential thing to you,” he groused, and then his scowl depend, “And when was it established that he was a vampire? Never. She’s still throwing in random things while ignoring what’s already been established!”

too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak)

“She wore crosses already, that’s already a thing that happened in this story and nothing happened to her while wearing them,” Briar pointed out before sighing. “Would it kill her to keep track of what she’s done and hasn’t?”

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

Cherry let out an offended gasp, “That movie is so not depressing! Except for the end, I did shed a few tears over Emily’s fate. But it’s not depressing, it’s a fun, macabre movie with catchy music!”

“I’m more interested in how he’s watching it when technology doesn’t work in the caste due to Hogwarts magical interference,” Asahi said as he nodded to the screen. “He shouldn’t be able to watch anything.”

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

“I don’t really believe you, but okay,” Cherry said.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“I thought today they were writing music, not stealing music from other bands,” Briar said. “Can’t even keep track of what you’ve done a few lines back.”

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily.

“I don’t know, crying seems to be pretty normal for you,” Asahi pointed out with a lazy roll of the wrist. “Can’t blame her for wanting to know if you’re crying because you’re ‘goth’ or because you’re genuinely upset.”

And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.

“She was already cryin’, but okay,” Cherry said and leaned back into her seat, “Though, ya know, seeing Voldy at all outght to be way more concernin’ than him tryin’ to blackmail Ebony. What with him being the greatest wizard criminal and so awful people dare not say his name.”

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

“Was he just hiding and watching the whole time?” Asahi asked, narrowing his eyes. “That’s… more than a little creepy.”

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

“Yes, actually,” Briar confirmed. “If we look at canon-Draco, his swearing and stammering is out of character. The wizarding world has their own form of curses that don’t utilize muggle swears. But the Draco of this story? He’s a whiny little brat with no spine, and this reaction is out of character for the ‘sensitive goth boy’.”

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

“Now that, crying and running away, is in character for the My Immortal Draco,” the Huntsman nodded.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“Girl is really doubling down on the whole headache bit, huh,” Cherry mused. “I mean, props for keeping it goin’, I guess.”

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)

“Well, can’t argue with that logic,” Asahi admitted. “Crying is, in fact, not swearing. Though I’m not sure how you ‘wisely’ cry.

“Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

Asahi tilted his head to the side, “They found him awfully…suspiciously quick, considering it has only been an hour since he ran off,” he said slowly, conspiracies forming in his head. “Not to mention, just at the start of this chapter, Gilesbie emphasized that he couldn’t die from a slit wrist, only by crosses and, weirdly enough, steaks. Either Gilesbie isn’t reading what she’s writing, or there’s something more going on.”

“I wish there was a deeper mystery to it all, but ya know it’s the first option, which is boring,” Cherry complained.

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!

“Like vampires killing themselves?” Briar asked with an arched brow. “Because, sure. That’s deadly serious, a real-world issue. Certainly not something stupid.”

sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

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“You know what, the ‘fangz’ thing is starting to grow on me. It’s kind of cute,” Asahi admitted with a soft smile, but quickly shook that away. “Her spelling, however? Worsening. It hurts my brain to read and decipher.”

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself.

“Come on, Raven. Right outta the ballpark an’ ya missed one!” Cherry chastised, then thought better of it and shook her head. “Actually, nah. If the author notes are anything to go by, then missin’ a word here an’ there ain’t to bad considering all the other words you’re probs fixin’.”

“Raven is truly a godsend for this story,” Asahi praised.

Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

“Considering the context of what’s going on; that is a student of his—her boyfriend—just supposedly killed himself and Ebony responded by fleeing in tears, I doubt anyone would think he had perverted intentions if he chased after her,” Briar pointed out. “They’d see him as a teacher wanting to make sure another student doesn’t commit suicide. Which is noble.”

“Exactly,” Cherry agreed. “For all he knows, the girl’s running off to do something awful. Plus, I know it ain’t especially stated in the movies or books, but the man is gay. I’m sure the staff and students know that.”

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.

Asahi started snickering, “I love how the way it’s written implies that her wrists got all over her clothes, as if she’s got numerous wrists she can’t control, and so she had to pop them off her arms before getting into the bath.”

Tapping her foot impatiently against the floor, Cherry scowled and crossed her arms over her chest. “Okay, Linkin Park is a little more forgivable. The band technically started in 96, but there’s no fuckin’ way they were popular in Scotland at the time,” she admitted, but her scowl didn’t ease up. “But they still aren’t goth! Linkin Park, an I love this band, they’re alt, rap, an electronic rock, with a bit of metal. Just—for fuck’s sake look up actual gothic bands of the 90s and namedrop them! It ain’t hard! Ya got the internet at your fingertips!”

I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.

“I’m assuming the lethality of a steak is that you’re allergic, like how vampires are to garlic,” Briar suggested, and shrugged, “Though plunging a steak into your heart will be difficult.”

I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.

“Because nothing says depression like dolling yourself up for no reason,” Asahi said, then squinted at the text. “Wait, is that what she wears to bed? That can’t be comfortable.”

I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!

“You heard it here. He was masticatin’ to it,” Cherry said with snickers.

“She really doesn’t know what that word means, does she?” Briar asked, and shook his head, “Who am I kidding, of course she doesn’t. But I wonder where she got the idea that Snape and Lupin were friends from. They knew each other from school, yes, but they weren’t friends. Lupin was friends with James Potter, Snape’s bully that he still holds a vendetta against. Safe to say Snape isn’t too fond of Lupin, either.”

They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.

“One, that is one fugly towel,” Cherry said, holding up her index finger, and slowly added her middle to the mix, “Two; girl was already dressed, what’s she coverin’ up for? We just suffered through her ramblin’ about what she was wearin’.”

Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Suspiciously convenient,” Asahi said, narrowing his eyes. “Was he just waiting outside the door for his chance to burst into the bathroom?”

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

Briar put a hand over his mouth to hide the growing smile as he shook his head. “I am loving this trans representation. All we got from the other stories was TwilightRova’s mistreatment of Jasper.”

I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

“A gazillion times…” Asahi sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “How many bullets does she think a gun holds? Has she ever even fired a gun before? Because I’m willing to bet none hit their mark.”

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

“Man, why the fuck is everyone running into this girl’s bathroom?” Cherry asked, placing her hands on her hips. “That’s just really inconvenient for her, girl is just trying to take the worlds most depressing an’ fully clothed bath an everyone keeps botherin’ her.”

“Let’s not forget that the Slytherin area is underground,” Asahi reminded them. “So… take that bit as you will to try and make sense of the logistics of this scene.”

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

“Hagrid is neither a student nor is he little,” Briar said, shaking his head. “He’s a half-giant and was expelled decades ago.”

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“And that’s relevant…how?” Cherry asked.

“It’s not,” Asahi answered, arms crossed over his chest.

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Briar sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m lost,” he confessed, shaking his head. “I literally do not understand what they’re talking about anymore.”

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.

“Raven’s really starting to slack off on the job,” Asahi mused. “Triumelephantly, really?”

“The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

“Really excitin’ stuff in there, too,” Cherry nodded. “Ya got a teenage student sitting in a bath fully clothed while tryin’ to kill herself with a steak. Valuable blackmail material.”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

“No one’s really doing anything,” Asahi pointed out. “That’s the problem, no one’s doing anything with the exception of Lupin fondling a clock.”

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him.

Cherry shook her head, “I’m convinced that Tara smoked the Devil’s Lettuce before writin’ this chapter,” she muttered. “Really the only explanation that makes any of this weirdness make sense.”

I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“I’d say bite him,” Briar said, raising his hand as he spoke. “But it might be hard because she’s inside and he’s outside, so she’ll have to work to get that bite in.”

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

Cherry tugged on her hair, “Seriously? You’re choosin’ a rapper over actual gothic rock?” she yelled. “What do you against The Cure!?”

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

“Why would Snape, who is associated with the Death Eaters, be afraid because someone is ‘connected to Satan’?” Asahi questioned, frowning at the screen. “And more than that, Gilesbie keeps insisting satanism is a Slytherin trait. Did she forget that Snape was a Slytherin student, that he’s currently the head of their House? By her logic he should also be a fucking satanist!”

“Because I LOVE HER!”

Cherry lurched to the side and started gagging.

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

“Your commentary on this ‘issue’ might hold more water if you didn’t make your character a legal adult in her story’s canon, and if you were consistent on if Hagrid was a student or an adult,” Asahi retaliated, patting Cherry on the back as she remained limp over the arm of her chair.

how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Still makes even less sense. Diggory would be dead at this point,” Asahi continued, “he died when Potter was in his fourth year, and since Potter is the same age as Way, he died three years ago.”

“Plus, he’s not once been mentioned in this story,” Briar added, “you truly expect anyone to believe it was Cedric who confessed his love? No. As usual, your writing and backtracks make no sense.”

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

Cherry slowly pulled herself together and resituated herself on her seat. “Oh. Huh. Must’a been one of them deleted scenes that are oh so common in books an’ fics,” she said sarcastically.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“Raven,” Asahi called out, a frown firmly on place. “Please, get some coffee, take a breather, recharge or whatever you need to do before you get back to editing. This is getting bad.”

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

“Scar’s don’t just change shape,” Briar pointed out with a frown, tracing a scar on his arm through the fabric of his sleeve as he spoke. “They’re permanent reminders, they don’t just shift and change from a square to a star, or a lightning bolt to a pentagram.”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back.

“Okay, I can accept magic for why his scar changed shape,” Briar conceded, but he didn’t look happy about it. “But what was the point of changing it if you were just going to cover it up with makeup? Sounds like a waste of effort.”

“Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me!

Asahi sighed, shaking his head, “I’ll admit she got that right. Potter’s scar does hurt from time to time, usually in response to Voldemort bullshit and it represents their connection,” he said, glaring at the screen, “But this just leaves the story open to debate on just how much Harry Potter lore Gilesbie does and doesn’t know, and how much she’s lying about not knowing.”

then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

“Hm. Didn’t know Voldemort was kinky like that, but aight,” Cherry muttered, shaking her head.

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists.

“You would think that’d take a few minutes to recover from what with all the magic,” Briar pointed out. “Some slit wrists shouldn’t take too much time to patch up with a wave of a wand and a few magic words."

"It’s also not a ‘nurse’s office’,” Asahi added, “It’s a medical wing. Hogwarts gets some interesting injuries, as you might expect with a bunch of kids and teens learning magic and flying on brooms, you need an entire wing to house and tend to them all.”

Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.

“Debatable, but very unlikely that Way falls into that category, but I digress,” Asahi shrugged. “St. Mungo is a magical hospital, not a mental facility. I don’t think they can treat pedophilia there. I’m also not sure if they qualify as pedophiles when in the canon of the world, Way is an adult by wizard standards.”

Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Ebony returning to the classic, but, wow,” Cherry wheezed out a laugh. “Dumbledore constipated the cideo camera. Man. Wow. Yeah, that’ll solve everythin’ for sure!”

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“If the man is about to be sent away under suspicion of pedophilia, do you seriously think he’d be allowed to wander the school unsupervised?” Asahi questioned. “He wouldn’t. He certainly wouldn’t be allowed to give flowers to someone.”

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up preps like you.” I snapped.

“And yet you sleep in a hot pink coffin,” Cherry reminded her. “Which I will steal if you don’t want it anymore. That thing is lit.”

Briar frowned, “Did she already forget that Hagrid is a part of her goth band, and that he confessed to be a satanist? I don’t think that qualifies as him being a prep. Then again, she is so wishy-washy she’s likely already forgotten.”

Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

“Ignoring that she wears pink and her reason for hating pink is just out of the blue… I kind of like her comeback,” Asahi said with a little grin. “It’s stupid and funny and hard to hate. Which describes this fic in general perfectly.”

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

“No,” Briar shook his head. “You still spelt it wrong.”

“It was also a bath scene, not a shower scene,” Asahi corrected, and shrugged, “Though… who knows, there probably is a market out there for ‘goth girl self-harms with a steak in a bathtub, fully clothed’. People are freaks, after all.”

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I’m not surprised she’d recognize an MCR song immediately,” Cherry shrugged. “The girl basically worships them, she’s the type that’d hear a single note an’ know exactly the song it’s frome.”

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

Asahi sighed, dropping his head into his hands, “I wish I could say we’re making this shit up, but we’re not. Gilesbie certainly is, though.”

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

“A black flame is black. Talk about redundancy,” Cherry scoffed. “But, sure, that proves he ain’t a prep. All ya need to be goth is black fire.”

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

“Your boyfriend, unfortunately for him. He really does deserve better,” Briar explained, looking at the screen like a disappointed parent. “He’s also Voldemort’s… I don’t know, something. Voldemort has him in bondage, though. We’ve been over this already, Ebony. Keep up.”

“Not sure how Voldemort got him, or why Dumbledore assumed he self-deleted, doubt it will ever be explained, either,” Cherry said, weaving her fingers through her pigtails, “Which is probably for the best. Her explanation would be absolute horseshit.”

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“It’s fire,” Asahi deadpanned. “Were you expecting to see something?”

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“Leave the MSTing to the pros, Dumbledore,” Asahi said with a frown, not that they themselves were pros. “But… that joke was just cringe.”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled.

Briar ran a hand down his face. “He wasn’t even talking to you, you idiot.”

dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

“Hagrid was given the mentality of a tantrum throwin’ kid in this, I see,” Cherry commented, “Dunno why he’s so pissed at Dumbledore since the guy wasn’t even talkin’ to him, an said nothing that was mean or offensive.”

“It’s because the author is an idiot,” Asahi said.

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

“This girl changes clothes more than anyone I know!” Cherry yelled. “Ya just changed into this outfit before all this shit started, an’ now your changing it again?”

“You look kawai, girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly

Asahi loudly groaned before making a gagging noise. “I swear to God, do not desecrate my language, stick to butchering your own,” he growled, before shuddering. “She is definitely the type who pronounces it kowai.”

“Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.

“I guess when you’re out of bottled blood ya gotta drink your own,” Cherry mused, and tapped a finger to her chin, “This count as self-cannibalism?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does,” Briar confirmed.

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.

“I’ve heard of Care of Magical Creatures, but Hair of Magical Magic Creatures is a new one,” Briar mused. “Not sure I want to know what goes on in this class.”

He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

“So, I guess Hufflepuffs are just the blood bank,” Asahi mused, shaking his head, “Though, just a reminder, Potter is not a vampire. He’s just a freak that drinks blood.”

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.

“They probably shop at the same place,” Briar suggested.

Cherry nodded, “Yeah, I doubt there’s too many places in Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley to buy colored contacts at.”

Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“While I’m sure the Hufflepuff is glad to get out, they need to pick their timing better,” Asahi stated, watching in disapproval. “They’re in the middle of class, unresolved sexual tension ignored, this is not the time or place for sex.”

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Can’t argue with her remarks, as before, I like this one,” Briar said with proud smile. “She described the two perfectly, they’re horny simpletons. Curious that she’d let Vampire get away with draining the Hufflepuff as he did.”

Asahi nodded, “She’s dealing with enough right now that she just didn’t have the energy to handle that,” he said, and shrugged. “After all, she’s not teaching Care of Magical Creatures along with Transfiguration now that Hagrid is gone.”

“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

“Takes two to tangle, you and Potter both jumped on each other, you’re equally at fault,” Asahi said. “You’re just as guilty of trying to have public sex as him.”

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

Cherry let out a low whistle. “Either I’m losin’ my mind or Tara decided to repeat the scene from earlier this chapter, word-for-word at that,” she said, reading it over again. “I get if you thought it’d be better as a cliffhanger, but in that case ya woulda deleted it from the start of the chapter.”

“Raven has clearly stopped paying attention to the story,” Asahi said in disappointment, “At least the spelling isn’t abysmal yet, but it’s still disheartening.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

“No,” Briar corrected, “You are supposed to write this. She edits it.”

“So this basically says that Raven didn’t read the chapter at all, or if she did it was a very cursory glance if anything,” Asahi mused, hand to his mouth to cover the growing smirk. “But… this is when the drama truly gets good.”

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

To that he made a ‘ding-ding-ding’ sound, pointing to the screen. “And here, my lady and gentleman, is the start of the Gilesbie-Raven fight, a real life drama spat between the two that bleeds into the story. It is when this story goes from generic badfic to juicy trollfic.”

The lights began to brighten as the screen darkened. Their cue for a break. Cherry was the first on her feet, stretching her limbs, feeling her joints pop and crack as she moved around, giddy with excitement and laughter.

“So,” Asahi spoke up, his attention on Briar. “As the only one here who hasn’t had previous experience with this story… what are your thoughts on it so far?”

Briar watched them with a measured look, taking his time as he rose and adjusted his belt and the dagger sheathed to it. “It was…okay,” he decided after a few moments, and at their burning gazes, continued. “It is a far cry from decent literature, but… it is not the worst. In ways this has been the only truly enjoyable story we’ve read. In others… it is a mind-boggling mess. I can’t say I hate it, but I do not like it.”

Which was fair.

Cherry shrugged, “I mean, I get it. The love for this fic is more out of the icon it is an’ the memes it has produces, if I’m being honest,” she said, and her grin returned. “Like, ‘What the hell are ya doin’ ya motherfuckers’!” she shouted, using her best impression of an old mans voice before she broke down into laughter.

“Or,” Asahi said, clearing his throat and following through with the fakest, highest pitched girly voice she ever heard him say. “Hi! My name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, and I have long ebony black hair!” he stopped to cough, clearly not able to do that voice for more than a few words at a time.

Briar shook his head, but Cherry saw him smiling. “While you two continue to mess around, I’m going to tend to my own needs,” which she thought was a funny way to say he needed a piss, but it was what it was.

She and Asahi could just spend the remainder of break spitting out quotes to each other and laughing while he was off doing what he needed to do.

This was by far the most fun she’s had at the theater.

#Harry Potter #My Immortal #ebony dark'ness dementia raven way #Draco Malfoy #Kurosaki Asahi #Cherry Bolton #Briar Makiir #MST #MST3k Style Riffing #Fanfiction #yes there is a side character from Cherrys world named Riley #No he is not me

[thetheatermst]

Life happened and I’m a bit behind on the newest story.

First I initially planned for todays update to be an interlude chapter but writers block is a bitch. So I got a late start to the MST chapter. With luck I’ll have it up late tonight. But more likely it’ll be up tomorrow evening / Friday night

Buuuuut I think y’all are gonna like the story we’re doing next. It has notoriety.

Edit: heading to bed I’m about 16/25 pages done of the chapter, not including intro/outro.

#the host speaks #updates

[thetheatermst]

I got sick of waiting after 3 + weeks for tumblr support to approve me using Javascript for custom pages. I don’t like how bland the pages feel, but I doubt staff is going to actually approve my request at this point. So it is what it is.

#The Host Speaks

[thetheatermst]

Hidan Beef Village Pt. 3

“Okay, okay, okay, but—do they actually have a pornstar theme park?”

Asahi spluttered at Cherry’s question, nearly choking on his drink as his face turned beet red at the blunt remark. “I’m sorry—I—what?” he asked, his voice hoarse as he tried to recover.

Even Briar watched in curiosity as Cherry stared unblinkingly at him. “Do they have a pornstar theme park?” she asked again. “I hear about it online occasionally, is this really a thing?” then, she thought it over again, seemingly remembering the alternate universe aspect of their motley group. “Or, well, is it a thing in your Japan?”

Asahi gave her a careful look, ears burning as he quickly looked away. “If you’re thinking of something like Universal Studios or Disney, then no. But… we got SOD land in Kabukichō. I’ve… never been there myself, but it’s a… probably closest to what you’re imagining?”

“Huh, that’s rather interesting,” Briar said, to his continued humiliation. “I can’t imagine something like that forming in my world. People are rather satisfied with just having brothels, but a sex-themed park is… it’s something.”

“I wonder what it’s like in there,” Cherry laughed.

Asahi smacked her on the arm. “No, you don’t,” he snapped. “You’re way too young to even go near that place!”

“Hey, it’s not like I’m twelve. I’m old enough to at least wonder about these places,” Cherry snapped back, sticking her tongue out at him. “You’re just being a prude. I’m sure you’d love to go in there but are just too embarrassed to admit it.”

Making a strangled sound, Asahi’s face turned even darker. Words could not describe how thankful he was when the lights dimmed and the screen glowed. The story resuming provided an escape from the current topic and the humiliation he talking about it.

tanks too th poples who lick mi storry!

Asahi made a face, “That sounds unsanitary,” he commented, holding up his refilled cup of soda and pointing it to the screen. “Don’t lick stories. You don’t know where they’ve been and you can get sick.”

“What would that even taste like?” Cherry asked.

“Like narcissism and glue.”

but everone else i am anger!!!11 add sense yu al thenk tere iss a cracter called Mary Sue i mad on!! me had blem-kuns hep t make herr exdra dum

Humming, Briar continued to pick at his nails with the tip of his knife. “Well, she can’t be worse than the characters already thrown at us,” he dismissed. “We’ve already read Rebecca Swansin, and I don’t think it’s possible to make a character worse than her.”

Cherry reached across Asahi, nearly nocking his popcorn from his lap so she could grab the Huntsman, “Don’t challenge her!” she hissed, giving him a shake that caused his knife to slip. Small beads of blood began to swell on the tip of his finger, though neither paid it any mind. “These authors reach rock bottom, an then they take out the drill!”

Rolling his eyes, Briar carefully pushed Cherry away so that Asahi could wrestle her back into her seat. “I am confident that nothing can be worse than Rebecca Swansin. At least not in this story.”

99*8

o nooooooo! wii mist tell Fire Hokagate Sonady immediatly! Emeradlia gassed

“I suggest you lay off the beans,” Asahi suggested, wrinkling his nose.

yos it is the ownly way to safe the ninjers Dye absorbed

Ill go tack to Sonad! Emeraldia decidered

“Are we ever going to know just what it is she needs to tell Sue-Nadia?” Briar asked, voice laced with sarcasm as he reached over to steal a napkin from Asahi so he could wipe the smear of blood from his finger.

Cherry chuckled and shook her head, “Course not. Gotta keep it a secret,” she answered, roling her eyes. “Why? Cause not even the author knows yet.”

Befour Emeradlia could gow to Fire Hokogo TowARR she sawed anoter Emeralia!!!!! Nooopooooooo!

‘Yesh I am Oval Emradlia and my only wash is to DESTROY DESTROY DESTROY!’ the bad persom evilly revieled. She smoshed to show shi was Sirius.

“No, no, no,” Cherry cut in, shaking her head, placing one hand on his shoulder and pointing with her other to the screen. “This isn’t an evil twin, see? She’s Sirius. So this is just addin’ Harry Potter to the meltin’ pot of crossovers.”

That only got him to groan, “That doesn’t make it better! I thought we were done with stupid wizards!”

“Ur are just a fake copee of mee who is fake ad not rail!’ Emeraldlia retarted. Emgeradlia blue up seven buldings ad forty tow peoplers an shoed she was the better than Eville Emeradlia.

Briar scoffed, “Causing more property damage and casualties does not mean you’re better.”

U may be stanger then me butt I am a servant of Apaolo Justache! Dark Embradla sayed.

Oh no. Dye saided this becose he wasent expecting a sorvance of Alps Justoct to shoe up this quackly.

“You need to watch out for those lawyers and their assistants,” Asahi warned, pulling his popcorn out of Cherry’s reach once again, “They’ll bleed you dry and laugh while doing so.”

Suddedlee somebuddy punched Evillain Emradius in the fase. It as Punch Jewtsue!!! yayay!!

Itt was Kanruto. he used art off the Puppet Show to destruct Bad Emrad wyle Garma yused art ov the Sandman to blew up Evil Emradla 4ever!1

Briar raised a brow, “So… death is meaningless in this story,” he said, and shook his head with a sigh. “We already knew this, but it is still infuriating all the same.”

after Garuman dyed my love of Embradlia was the ownly thong that keeped me going1 Cancurse telled everone.

Asahi rolled his eyes, “Yeah. Love,” he said with a sarcastic drawl, “It’s not like you were trying to kill her after she killed your bro or anything.”

‘I miss my sad cattle but now i must protract Konohahahaha! Rawred Guren. I am a man! I am the herpes of Konhoha1’

“I miss the sand cattle too, but please stay away from me,” Cherry remarked.

Nodding his head, Asahi made a face of discomfort, “Yeah, being the Herpes of Konoha is not something you should be proud about.”

Emrake runned two Fire Hokage Toher. it was in runes. ‘Wut happen/’ ask Emweradlia.

‘Danzox usef a tractor beam to plow the tower. Mello telled Emeradlia.

“Tractor beam?” Asahi asked, but then settled back down, “You know what? I’m not even surprised anymore.”

“Does it shoot tractors?” Cherry there, asking the real question. “Cause that is the only way that this will be cool. We got squid cannons, now sling some tractors, too.”

‘I did it becuz Im really really rilly evil!’ Danzo sayed. Danzo was on the rofe of Kurosaki clinic, home of Bleachman.

There was a collective groan from the trio at yet another crossover.

“If she’d just left out the ‘home of Bleachman’ bit, I coulda made a stupid joke about Asahi havin’ a clinic,” Cherry complained, as if this was the greatest mistake that could have been made.

Asahi, for his part, looked wholly unimpressed.

‘Danzo dude u r sew totally cool. radical no ur radicool witch is radical and cool. Wicked’ Darkeye the legendairy evil shinbobby said that He must have bin strong pluss bad becuz he hatd a litesaber sword he stood o Aladins house of wunderr

“Fuck,” Cherry continued with a groan. “He’s draggin’ Disney into this? What is this, Aladdin’s summer home?”

Ohno Darkeye and Danzone have temed up to unbeatable! th Teenedge Mutont Ninja Turtles yelled like sumbuddy yelling

“Turtles? Teenaged? Mutant?” Briar asked, screwing his face up, “What is even going on? What is she talking about?”

Asahi shook his head, “I know who they are, but I’m just as confused as you are on why the turtles are here.”

‘no we havent teamed upp but we are goint too sea a movie togetter1’ Dansode laffed. ‘ad that movie is called HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!’

“Saw it. It was awful,” Asahi snarked, crossing his arms over his chest. “Ten minutes of opening narration. Forty minutes of just standing around while a guy gave a dry monologue and only ten minutes of actual action and movement. Zero stars, would not recommend.”

‘That moovie stars Gorge Cloney and Robird Downey and Meryl Steep and Sandra Bully and Adamn Sandlar and Adolf Hitler!’ Twilit Sparkle said.

‘We must stop the movie said Capton Crunch.

‘We cant the pope is goin to see the movee ad he will declare Holey War iff we stop it !Bleachman sad.

Briar sighed, running a hand through stray strands of hair, pushing them off his face, “I’m just… not going to question the sudden arrivals of all these new characters. It will be less painful that way.”

“We must blew up the theaton Emerad planned. Then kilt the Acatiosuki.

[‘God plan, R Teach sayed.

Then Emradla sawed Sonacki.

‘Ho doo I stoppost Apallama Juicetoast? Emrandia assed.

“Is Apollo Justice going to be the final boss?” Asahi asked, raising a brow as he stared at the screen with some mild interest. “That’d be… kind of cool, actually, if he is. I wouldn’t be against that kind of randomness.”

Cherry nodded eagerly, “It’d be a twist. Like, I’ll hate it on principle alone, but it’d be a funny twist.”

‘Go to Burger Kong the hideoff of Apol Justi and him crimonal gang’ Snadi sad like a Hokagy. ‘I wall help u.’ Then Sunoti saw passports to golf. ‘I cont help you.’

“Well,” Cherry nodded, “Girl knows her priorities, I can respect that.”

“I’d choose golf over Brightmoon any day, and I hate golf,” Asahi agreed, nodding his head.

***8f

Menwhale in the layer of Antosoccer.

Conan wet into Madrays rum.

“Well, his rum is going to have a bit of extra flavor to it,” Briar mused, “I suppose the barbarian is there to be more inclusive. They might get called out for favoritism if they only hire ninjas.”

 Konat did you invader Konha yet Matara said.

Matria was on a table wit his secretori Pam.

‘I cant they’res a HoBare in the way!’ Konan teared.

“HoBear is a serious threat,” Asahi nodded. “Second only to the Menwhale in how dangerous it is.”

Madara facepalmed.

“Mood!” Cherry yelled.

hee was fasing her now. ‘Pam get Kissam to killslay the ber.

Kissammy is inn Ninja Hawai Pam telled them all.

Moooooo! scremed Konen. I wet to al dat truble to get Full meal Alcmust and Iron mann and the otters.

“I’m not sure how well otters compare to Edward and Iron Man,” Briar pointed out. “They’re… otters.”

Asahi grabbed him by the shirt, “Don’t underestimate otters. They are better than Elric and Stark combined.”

‘it true! Yelled Tom Henks! I killed Santa!

‘I doo have a report about Knoha. Konman hadded the report to Madarren.

Xemnas red the report. ‘U can still inved! He sayed. Attack Wotty Bridge!

Gasb! Shuck~

*87^

Cherry shrugged, hardly upset by the plan to attack the bridge. “I mean, we all called it,” she pointed out, leaning back in her seat. “We all knew the bridge was gonna get destroyed at some point, so is anyone really surprised?”

Menwhale bak at Ninjatown.

“Ninjatown, neighboring community to Hidan Beef Village,” Asahi said, looking around for paper before shaking his head, “Someone should get a map made up for this mess.”

 (AN: Reders this is wen Maary Sue shues up! I head Blomu-Kun hep me make her stooped)

Briar rolled his eyes. “I’m certainly not looking forward to this,” he said, then shrugged, “Though, she can’t be worse than Emeraldia. The bar is set low.”

Emeradlia went into herr huse of Nina. Emradla’s stupido sister Mary Sue was doin homewok.

‘Mary Sue I had am adventur1 Emradlia sayed. I killedead Garat the Sand Hokogo and Im gona fite Aplo Juster!’

Asahi scowled, “Yeah, for no real reason did you kill him, too,” he muttered, still upset over that, apparently. “Maybe you should go and confess to murdering Might Guy, too, while you’re at it.”

“Nah, she doesn’t even remember killin’ him,” Cherry said, shaking her head.

Mary Sue rolled her eyes. “I’m not sure which is worse, your pathological desire to slaughter everyone you meet, or the fact the people still call you kawaii in spite of it,” she muttered.

Emrackli ignered her rudd sister and cotinued ‘did you fed Jeff my loin?’

There was a brief silence that filled the theater in response to that, the only sound audible being the shift of fabric or the shift of a skateboard wheel as they stared, each trying to collect their thoughts and shake off the sudden slap in the face reminder of The Chronicles of Rebecca Swansin and it’s iconic thirty-third chapter, the jump in quality that Yamama had blessed them with.

Only this wasn’t a chapter written by Yamama, this wasn’t even a whole chapter of a quality read. It was storytelling whiplash.

“Wow,” Asahi whispered, breaking that silence as he slowly shook his head, his tone not quite defeated, but exhausted all the same. “Well, this cements this story as a troll fic in my opinion, not that there hadn’t been rather damning proof already.”

Cherry began laughing, first a soft chuckle that grew into an unstable cackle, “I love Mary,” she decided with a finality in her voice layered under laughter. “It’s only been one paragraph an’ I am in love with her. She is the best character here.”

Reaching over, Asahi gave her a light tug on a pigtail, “You’re only saying that because she’s the only normal one so far.”

“Yes, I am,” she confirmed, swatting his hand away. “An’ if anything happens to her, I will commit felonies.”

Mary Sue sighed as she continued to do her homework. “No, I did not feed your lion,” she replied, struggling to keep calm. “Lions are not pets. They are dangerous animals, and I don’t want to lose a limb because you were stupid enough to adopt one.”

“She speaks the truth. Lions are not domesticated creatures,” Briar agreed with a tilt of his head, “They might play nice now and then, but they will just as quickly hurt you.”

Emralia culdnt belev er sistron. ‘Jefff wood neber hert me!’ she yilled.

“I can only hope that Brightmoon is wrong on this,” Asahi groaned.

Laughing, Cherry leaned forward, “Best way this story can end? Jeff killin’ her!”

“Yes, but I’m not you, am I?” questioned Mary Sue, who was filled with anger. “You could walk up to the Akatsuki leader and he would immediately start calling you his dream princess. I’m an ordinary person, and probably the only one in this town!

“You are,” Asahi confirmed, nodding his head with a soft smile on his face. “We love and adore you for the normalcy you provide in this asinine story.”

However, Cherry’s own smile fell as a look of horror took over, “Oh, fuck,” she hissed, hunching over to stare at the ground, grabbing her hair by the pigtails yet again. “Please, please don’t let this be foreshadowin’ for what’s gonna happen later on.”

Briar groaned, dragging a hand down his face, “I don’t even want to think of that happening.”

Honestly, when I graduate from Ninja Academy I’m moving to a place where the people have sense!” Mary Sue stormed out of the kitchen and into her room, slamming the door behind her.

Lowering his hand, Briar eyed the screen and then gave a small nod. “I respect that,” he said. “Find your own way and your own life once you are free from this pit of insanity.”

Emeradlia made mad. she gott a sandwoch ad lift her huse. The tim hadd com to go to Burger Kong and stup Aplio Joestace.

Chuckling, Cherry raised her head to look at the screen, “Still can’t get over the fact that Apollo Justice hangs out at a Burger King of all things,” she said with a snort. “Of all the places to make your evil lair—why Burger King?”

Too beak otinued……..

Hillo kinde fanse!!11! I hard aboot confusion regourding Mary Tsue in the lost chap BUT SHIE wassenot writed by me beouse blum-kin dit it for mii!!!!

“That explains why the quality of the story improves substantially whenever she speaks,” Asahi said with a hum. “That is if this isn’t a troll fic and the author instead was being trolled, as marginally small a chance that is.”

Cherry shook her head, “Boo!” she complained. “Let her write the whole story for ya! It’d be readable an’ enjoyable then!”

And sum gai namd Tiv Tropes made a moovie orr sumthing about this with Shane Dawnsun as Thanatos

Sinking into her seat, Cherry crossed her arms over her chest. “Fuck that guy!” she complained loudly. “He’s an absolute creep, an’ it’s like he’s gotta make his snaps as gross as possible with his fuckin’ fart kink he throws in everyone’s face! It’s like the dude gets off on makin’ people as uncomfortable as possible with ‘im!”

Slowly, Briar looked to Asahi with a silent question, confused as always. But Asahi only shrugged, “I’ve no idea who that guy is,” he answered.

Instantly, Cherry whipped her head around to look at the boys, “You don’t?” she said, brows knitting up in sympathy. “Oh, fuck, you have no idea just how lucky you are,” then after another pause, she continued. “He’s a creep who’s constantly horny on main for farts, an’ constantly looks like a sex offender about to stalk a kindergartener. It’s disgustin’.”

The boys just nodded, deciding it was better to not engage on that topic any more than needed.

butt i shud nut be saying about thantos becos hee isint in it yet. but yu cann make luts of theries abot Thenatos…. end mi story is god so i rite it fore u

“I better not see Thanos or Thanatos in this story, or so help me, God,” Asahi gritted out, crossing his arms over his chest.

Cherry sighed, “With all the crossovers already forced in here, I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw both.”

chAptrio Nien Crimnail Udderworld!1!

“Excuse me,” Briar began, “but could you repeat that in Common, please?”

‘till me wear Apalca Joostoo is1’” emraclion shooted at the Noose Squid butt it waas a squad su it grined at her squidly

Rademlia wis warring a blew skirt wiht green pantos ad a red sahs. it fultered in da WIND skura flour cherriews fell fom her..!

Asahi shrugged, “I never understood the appeal of sakura petals falling around a character,” he mused.

“Same,” Cherry nodded.

 Silvotte heiled Emeraldia ‘Quene Kawaii no desu!

Briar’s face twitched, “You don’t just become a queen like that,” he complained. “That’s not how any of it works.”

“But she’s just so beautiful an’ lovable,” Cherry said, leaning over onto Asahi, “of course she’s gotta be a queen.”

Reign felled from cleer skies ass Sundae fir hokag bribed Squid Infromatt with anonter sanwitch squid giggled wen Neji poked him

Groaning, Asahi shrugged Cherry off and stared at the ceiling, “Is this almost over?” he asked, “It’s just so… boring.”

Letss threw him two the hounds ‘prepostered emeradlea.

‘Nooooo!!’ confussed squido’ hell tock he’ll toc’k

Negii did eyegun too undwo the kunai ad kissed tunge

“Alpacin Jushtace is hiss hide in secret Kornoha undere the rael Konaha. Hiss hiss hiss hiss hiss sqiud ated anofer sandwitch..? Under Konora iss bad ad mean ad evil ad filed with badmean villian gays. gud guys die

“As always, we can only hope that they die,” Cherry hummed.

Asahi shook his head, “But beware, wishful thinking leads to soul-crushing disappointment.”

they sawed a elivator btu it wasp aganest the law so tey did not go in

Briar frowned, struggling to understand, “Using an elevator is illegal?” he questioned, looking around, “what kind of laws are these?”

“The convenient ones,” Asahi answered.

Random Man sayed the stares were woking so they went accept fore Silvette becuz shi needed to taost the toaster.

Cherry nodded her head in approval. “Nice excuse,” she commended. “Girl just didn’t wanna be involved in this insanity any longer than needed. I don’t blame her, I’d wanna take the first change I got to get out, no matter how dumb the excuse.”

“So…” Briar began in a thoughtful tone as he brought a hand to cover his mouth, “by toast the toaster, does she mean to make toast in her toaster? Or is she going to set her toaster on fire so it, itself, is toasted?”

Asahi shrugged, “Knowing the insanity of this story thus far? It’s a coin toss between the two.”

But then Danzon was up the stair wars!!!! Mello juped off the ceeling wal to the sky and sayed, “No Emeradlia you save the unverse!!!! I kill Denzo1

“So, now the universe is at stake?” Asahi asked and rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms over his chest, unimpressed by the risks involved now. “I say let the universe die. It’s better for everyone that way.”

“Should be easy for Mello to kill Danzo,” Cherry added. “He has the Death Note.”

Emeradel was supper nice ad she letted Nejio and Snunate goo don first. was  Emeratlia descinded upwords she yilled I lofe you!!!11!!

“Such a nice thing to do sending people ahead of you instead of going in first yourself,” Briar said, his tone sarcastic as he frowned. “Such a cowardly, craven thing to do.”

“Not to mention they’re going down, and she’s ‘descending upward’,” Asahi said, pointing down and then up as he spoke. “Are they even going the same way? ‘Descending’ and ‘Upward’ kind of contradict each other, too, so is she going up, or is she going down?”

Briar shrugged, having no answer to that.

Emeradlia shoed up in eval kornaho tonw city/!  The floor was feak lik the moon but the evil moon smelled at her.

Cherry frowned, “I’m gettin’ Soul Eater vibes comin’ from a smilin’ moon.”

‘Good thing i dident get darknise inn my eye becourse then I wooden se to see where i was goin!!!!111!! commeteed Emeradet.

“That’s not how darkness works,” Briar muttered.

Asahi shrugged, “Don’t tell her that,” he said. “Let her freak out about how there is ‘darkness in her eye’, like she’s got a fake eyelash poking her eye.”

 Neji runned up at her but it was his evil tewin Nejiman! Emradlo knewed he was fatt becoz he didn’t exorcise enuff.

“Wow,” Cherry grumbled, scowling at the screen as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Body shaming? Not cool.”

i thot I killed yhu to the maxidead califronya1!’ exclamed  Nejif as he threwed heads at Nejiman.

“I have many, many questions about where he’s acquired the heads he’s throwing at his evil twin,” Briar muttered.

Cackling, Cherry side-eyed him and grinned, “Do ya really wanna know where he got them? It probs ain’t a fun, cheerful tale.”

‘i dont care and noter shud yu’ salted The Nejiman. Sunate had goned to a Five Hocage Summet sew Neji and Emrallia had to fight the Nejiman.

‘I kill Wooty Bridge ad den the econmiy well colaps! Tanted Nejimon.

“Oh, no,” Cherry said, placing a hand to her chest as she raised the pitch of her tone for mockery’s sake. “Not the economy. Anything but that.”

“Destroying the economy is a serious issue, though,” Asahi pointed out, frowning at her.

Unaffected, Cherry shrugged, “If it’s destroyed then we can go back to a barter system. That’d be better. I mean, just imagine; being able to go to the store an pay for all ya need by trading shit.”

“Ah,” Asahi hummed, and relaxed. “Yeah, that’d be preferable. There’s still a good number of issues that would come up, but I can see the positives.”

He got in a drove ond Bleach blowed hisself up too blow up Negiman but hed blowed up the panda by mistake.

“Where did the panda come from?” Briar asked.

“Jujutsu Kaisen,” Cherry answered immediately. “Unfortunately, he’s a random crossover character destined to die.”

“What a monster,” Asahi frowned.

Emradlia neji ad me cryed ass my bestest fiend died.

"Was wondering when we’d switch to the “I” and “Me” and “My”," Asahi mused, tilting his head as he read the text, not surprised at all that it inevitable went to first person. "Can’t even keep herself out of the story."

 Neji had abdorbed to muche Chakrios sew he gruw wangs and flied off ito the sunset.

“Weird,” Cherry hummed, “but good for him. Be free, Neji.”

Emeraldia ranned up into the Ramen Evil Shope ad she see Kakruzu and Iruka watcing Tv togeater .

a evil gy in a cloak of evil ad wearing a mosque put ot sum ramen bowl.

Asahi leaned forward, spluttering a little as he tried to make sense of it all. “How do you wear a mosque?” he demanded, trying to just imagine the image, and it only served to be even more confusing for him.

“Very, very, very carefully, that’s how,” Cherry answered, patting him on the back and wearing a twisted grin. “It’s like a hat, mixed with the ultimate balancin’ powers an’ neck strength.”

‘Im not etting that’ say Emeraldia

‘Niece to met you Im Madrara!!!1! evilman sayed

Oh no ur the bad man wu wated to take ober the whorld!!! Revealed Emeraltia

Briar rolled his eyes, “Well, that couldn’t have been more obvious.”

“Right now, he’s less of ‘wantin’ to take over the world’ kind of bad, an’ more like ‘mosquito level of annoyin’,” Cherry admitted. “So, I ain’t to worried about him.”

‘No the whorld sux I dont wsant to have to runn it!’ paced madrio.

“Honestly? That’s fair. The world sucks big time,” Asahi agreed while Cherry nodded her head muttering ‘Mood.’

 “I gatored the five most evilest bad dudes in mine plantet!!! Wii will get the five seels used lung ago by the Stage of Sick Paths tpo stop Ninja God Empror Mike!1 Win we no-seal Mike the mike will shoe his gratitud and ed the word!!!1!!  violins will win beost heroes did unwin!!1!

Briar groaned, running a hand down his face and narrowing his eyes. “There are so many things wrong with that paragraph,” he muttered, before finishing in a sigh and shaking his head in defeat. “But, I suppose if nothing else, I can respect the spirit behind it all.”

Emrodeo tied shooting the sky but a Madara was too quack. hands fum the flor graped her ad pulled her up.

‘For off them fife evilos arrr me the Madrar and Apolso Justin and Darkeye ad Danzom!!1 the udder is a sceret!

“Let me guess,” Asahi grumped, rolling his eyes as he spoke, “It’s Brightmoon.”

“We wish,” Cherry sighed, then frowned and a look of apprehension crossed her face. “Actually, I can see that happenin. Has this all become so predictable that her being the secret ‘fifth evil’ is expected?”

Xemnas ad his mother Shuzune woked inn,. ‘Tune Emraxk ito Rame becost Xemnas is a hugry boi!’ Shizun suigetsued

Asahi raised a brow, “So, Kingdom Hearts is getting dragged through the mud, too?” he asked, “I mean, with how popular it is, I shouldn’t be surprised, but it is still annoying.”

“What’s more? More cannibalism,” Briar added with faux cheer. “How fun.”

Narutona had bean in Xemnas clock so he stab madara!1 ‘Go safe the lad Emeraldia1’ Xemnas yell at

Emeratli leapded att the taxi beard mann of the streat.

“Whatcha got against taxis and beards?” Cherry demanded, crossing her arms over her chest. “Beards are cool. I’d love to have an awesome beard if genetics would let me.”

Asahi shrugged, “She’s got a lot of beef, apparently. Also, I forgot Naruto was in this story.”

“For him being the main character of the show, he’s surprisingly forgettable in the story,” Briar mused.

‘Were is ther Apollio Justone!!!’’

‘i AM Apaul Justick!’ the seed said

“No, Apaul, you misheard,” Asahi said, shaking his head at the story. “They’re looking for Apollio Justone, not you. You just have to wait your turn, people will come after you eventually, but you can’t take someone else’s enemies.”

He rapped off Emeratela white dres

Briar closed his eyes and folded his hands together on his lap as he muttered a quiet prayer to his Gods. “Please, please don’t let it take a turn for the sexual. We suffered enough of that sort of content with Rebecca Swansin.”

ad stabbed hiss Giga Swerd ito her bak seal.

Briar opening his eyes, the Huntsman let out a relieved sigh, “Ah, thank the Gods.”

“Sorry, sorry, back seal?” Cherry asked, waving her hands to stop it and take a step back as realization hit. “Oh sweet god, is she a jinchuriki, too? No, of course she is, it’s a Naruto Mary Sue, she’s gotta have a demon in her.”

“I’m more surprised it took this long for that to happen,” Asahi confessed with a shrug.

Emeraldia growed oldered ad morr powful Emratlo was twenti ad relly prettify

“She’s twenty?” Briar asked, trying to make sense of everything. “But she only just passed the genin exam? That is honestly more a nod of her own incompetence than anything, that she passed an exam twelve-year-old’s do regularly.”

“She’s also dating characters who are either twelve or sixteen depending on whether this is supposed to take place in part one or part two of the series,” Asahi added with a grimace.

Thin lost memories cam  bock to herr!!!11 “Noooooooooonnn!’ holwed her/ Im a too kawaii everone relies on meee! Butt I slayed nine tiled fax a minuet too late and Minater died!!!1 Is me folt Naruto had a hard line!

Cherry let out a series of boo’s as Asahi sank his head into his hands. “I’m trying to do the mental math of how old she must have been when she ‘slayed’ Karuma, and how much older she is than Naruto, her supposed boyfriend, and it’s just making my head hurt.”

“What’s important is that we now know she is a criminal for datin’ an underage teenage boy,” Cherry said, patting him on the back. “An’ that’s on top of her being a serial killer.”

‘Its is too latte fore kawaii to shave you,’answeared  Ape Justice.

“And now he’s an ape,” Briar said, pinching the bridge of his nose. Just how many more bastardizations of the name Apollo Justice were they going to go through before this story was done? He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to that question.

Cherry snickered a little, “Technically, aren’t we all?” she asked, drawing the Huntsman’s gaze to her.

“…No?” Briar said slowly as he turned to stare at her, brows knitted together, trying to understand why she’d imply they were apes. “Apes are animals. You and Asahi are human. There’s no ‘technicality’ about being two separate species.”

Asahi turned in his seat, raising a brow at Briar as he regarded the man carefully. “Makiir, you do know about evolution, right?”

“Of course,” Briar answered, giving an irritated huff at the concept that he might not know something as basic as that. “Monsters frequently evolve to become stronger and harder to hunt, from growing tougher hides or developing venomous glands, and the Huntsmen go through manufactured evolution to counteract these, gaining stronger resistances to poisons and greater strength.”

Cherry was nodding, though he doubted she truly understood the way evolutions worked in the never-ending cycle that was the hunt. “And sometimes creatures evolve into different creatures. Like how dinosaurs turned into chickens after thousands of years, an’ how apes evolved into humans.”

Briar regarded the two carefully, mouth turning into a frown, “I do not appreciate you trying to trick me like this,” he said. Sure, there were times when a monster evolved and created a new subset of that species. But that was always what it was, a subset. Kobolds were a subset of lizardfolks. Hobgoblins were a subset of goblins and so on. But a human evolving from an ape? Preposterous! It made no sense, and the theater’s strange omnipotence granting powers were providing nothing to either confirm or disprove such a claim. This must have been some kind of inside joke that the two were trying to see if he was gullible enough to believe. It was frustrating. “I’m not so foolish as to believe something as asinine as that.”

He turned back to the screen, ignoring the look of disbelief on his companions faces.

Emeraldia’s doubt felled her into a kawaii koma.

Slowly tearing his gaze from Briar, Asahi looked over the text and let his mouth curl into a wishful smile. “And she’s to never wake again,” he said, before shaking his head. “If only.”

Apol Jus pickeled her up. Por sadd emradta cud stay in hiss house util she waked up .

Cherry puffed out her cheeks. “Awfully nice of the villain,” she mused.

“And very lax security measures,” Briar added with a disapproving frown. “Keep her in a cell. At least then, should she wake up, she won’t have free reign to attack and escape.”

To be COWTINUED?? I hop so!

“I hope not,” Asahi countered.

Pour emrald I fee like creing

i watted to putt Thanatos ito this chopter but ma cozin was watcing TV

Cherry frowned, thinking it over, tossing it about in her head for a few seconds as she tried to understand the logic the author was running on. “How does your cousin watchin’ TV affect how ya write? That makes no sense.”

“She is just seeking out any excuse she can find, no matter how inane it is, to justify her decisions and writing inadequacies,” Briar explained.

me Bloom-kud and me ar grow a bonsai tree in mi room. It very pretty

“That poor tree, she’s going to mutilate it” Asahi tsked, shaking his head in disapproval. I give it a week before she manages to kill it.”

I LOVE YOU sea yow sone

ojay goias surry but da MENNY hed at this sit tacoed my stirry doon. bloom-kun is niece tho ad she lett me putt it bak up

this chapto iss big baddle beteen Acariosuit and Ninje House

“So, what you’re saying in your nearly indecipherable note is that this chapter is going to be a confusing, convoluted mess that will be difficult to follow, hurt the brain to decipher, and just make absolutely no sense in the long run,” Briar said with a nod of certainty.

Cherry leaned back in her chair, drawing her legs up to tuck under her chin. “I’m bettin’ that the dead will be returnin’ to fight without any explanation on how they’re not dead anymore.”

chptero tin feke ninjers onn Wooty Brigde

Sasu was doin da run. he runned acuss Wooty brudge on his monocycle duck

“A motorcycle duck?” Asahi asked, before thinking it over and giving a hum. “That actually sounds intriguing. Absolutely stupid. But interesting.”

‘y dough i half tobi so pretty uchina. Saz wanked his werds becuz he was so cool he froze popple heads

“You’re actually not all that attractive,” Briar said, breaking the ‘tragic’ news to him.

Cherry nodded in agreement. “He really isn’t,” she said. “I think most of his appeal came from middle school girls being in love with the edgy ‘emo’ characters who need an’ refuse therapy. The toxic bad boys, ya know? For some reason those types of characters are chick magnets.”

Sasute wad sadfaceman becoso he was so so so sono pretty dat al the cops cased afro hime. Hee dudent want too be pretty it wan a curze.

“You have a literal curse,” Asahi reminded with a frustrated groan. “But, sure. Your supposed ‘beauty’ is the real curse and why everyone is after you. Because that isn’t absolute bullshit.”

Orochimaru hadd givun him all 3.14 tatoes ad he had kalled the sake man 42 tims

“I’m pretty sure that’s why the cops are after ya,” Cherry pointed out with a frown. “I know Emeraldia makes it seem like it’s not, but murder is a crime.”

“That 3.14 tattoos, bit,” Briar pointed out. “Does he just have .14 of a tattoo finished?”

“The artist only got a part of the line art done before ditching,” Asahi said, nodding.

Juice thin Nejiman appaired!1 hehadno dyed he had ben cent to DA HUGGER JAMES! dogniss ha burked att his but hehad escraped

“ii wool slay you murduder’ preclared the Kekishi ‘u killdude my best fred Mite Jive!!!!1

Cherry groaned, burying her face in her hands. “Everyone’s pointin’ fingers at everyone over who killed him, while ignorin’ that Emeraldia killed him an’ left him at her own doorstep.” She complained. “How stupid are they?”

“nooo’ sassuman watted to yell but Tom Henks slaped him in face.

“The only good thing Tom has done so far,” Asahi said.

“It’s hilarious imagining Sasuke bitch slapped by Tom Hanks,” Cherry added with a chuckle.

 seow instood he yilled loodly ‘i dud nut kill Mate Goo/ the is a sommit of all hokayges tl sea hoo did deadkill him’

Briar frowned, rolling his eyes, and crossing his arms over his chest as he adjusted his seating. “At this point I will genuinely be surprised if they ever realize it was Emeraldia. She could outright confess to the crime, and they’d still be going ‘who killed him?’ and running around in confusion.”

noo waigh sayed Dakash. ‘oznad telled mii the killa of Mate Glaze wood be at Wooty Bridge’

Sauce was Surelick Homes so he buggered out da crim of evale ninejas.

Asahi shuddered, shaking his head, “Surelick Homes… I feel sorry for anyone given that unfortunate name.”

‘Oznad is Danzho is disguyze!’ he realezed

“No. Shit,” Cherry muttered, tugging on one of her pigtails. “It’s like Alucard all over again. So not obvious.”

‘BUT he hoed a moostache” deflamed kakakashi

‘U were tricked like an animale’ say Nejiman

“Now that’s just offensive to animals,” Briar chided, shaking his head. “They would have seen through such a sad trick immediately.”

no triks ‘Tom Henks’ saze

“Mating Guy kiled buy…

…

…

…

…

After a few more moments of an unnecessarily prolongued silence, Cherry held a hand out and did a light roll of her wrist in a ‘go on’ motion. “Are ya gonna go anywhere with this, or is it just gonna be weird silence from now on?” she asked.

evil papples!

“There we go,” she said, dropping her hand back on her lap once the awkward silence was done.

Asahi frowned, tilting his head to the side, “Evil papples killed him? What the hell is a papple?” he asked, not that anyone had an answer for him.

Wooty Bridge pilled uff its maks.. it wad Acutosuke in dres-up!

Cornan hat alerad killed da bridge. Hnow all of team evil where attacking everman by falling into water

“Water is…effective,” Briar said, raising a brow and letting the uncertainty show in his voice. “I guess? But also, how is a bridge… also an Akatsuki member? It’s a bridge. It’s not… why can’t anything in this make sense?” he questioned, dropping his head into his hands.

but Vegeat mad a Narotto bridge so dey were OKt

Xenmas rided a tree dat turred invisble. he maf it unseeable to stope Kashis power,

“Good luck with that. Trees ain’t exactly viable steeds,” Cherry pointed out, but her lips were curled into a smile at the thought of them being used as horses and just how useless they would be.

“But,” Asahi pointed to the screen. “He has a tree that turned invisible. So obviously it’s better than the others.”

Xremus culdent see his tree so he falled ito watter and die

Sighing, Briar looked away from the screen. “I can’t watch. The second-hand humiliation is just too much.”

Osher Bosher stole Sasuke’s jong.

Kronan evilled at everone.

Ted firered tank oot off his tank ad it runned at Link.

Fullmeal Alcumust wast usliss

Asahi actually leapt to his feet at that one, glaring at the screen and readying a book to throw, “Take that back!” he yelled, as if the author could hear him. “Edward is one of the best fighters in this mess!”

“He’s far from useless!” Cherry agreed, looking absolutely scandalized from the implication that Edward was anything but top-tier.

Pines sick paffs cheked themsef ito hopsital wear Dr. Mace Widu slayed dem.

“Mace Windu ain’t a doctor,” Cherry said, settling back down, though she was still glaring at the screen. “I mean, it’d be interestin’ if he was, but he’s not.”

Den nooest Akatosoki mebbers rapiered! Da Squertle Squd!

‘Wii cannibullized teenedge mutant Ningray Tuttles’ ate head Squirrlet

“This isn’t even a ‘ninja’ fight,” Briar muttered, staring at the screen in utter disappointment at the result of this supposed ninja war. “This is her throwing random characters from different forms of medias at each other with no regard for sensibility, coherency, or proper characterization.”

Asahi sighed, rubbing his temples, “I feel like I’m having an aneurysm with each paragraph I read.”

His water droped Saucekay ito da toxsic waist

“Fun,” Cherry grinned. “Now he can die, like he was always meant to.”

Saksue love of Ermaldia turred ito a raft ad it wafted himm to stafety

Her grin turned into a frown as she groaned, “Oh, you’ve gotta be kiddin’ me!” Cherry complained loudly. “Just let the emo boy die!”

“The power of love always win, but man do I hate it right now,” Asahi muttered.

“I wove Ermerlady moore!’ protestanted Shinno.

Skuse smirked.

‘Emeradlia wont loaf you if ur evil!!1!

Sauceman used turn shinno evil justu.

Briar shook his head, “As if there was truly any magic to just turn someone evil at will,” he scoffed at the very idea of such magic. “The world would be in utter chaos and ruin if it were.”

‘ Ewe wille Bee Hitler!

A jiant Hitrel face ated Shinnoe!

“Let’s not bring him in this,” Asahi said immediately, blanching at the idea of that guy joining the story. “Just… do not bring him in. I don’t care if you bring in fucking God. Just not him.”

Cherry nodded her head quickly, “No one likes him. Don’t add him to the story. We don’t need more reasons to be angry.”

Nhow it was tmi for Sastuke to fid thy Ninja Vikkings

*8*

Samrai rob bot Mace Wendu wass stating the Zambie Apoclips butt Dadera had no cares he too bussy gravy-robbing

“Someone has to get the corpses out of the ground so they can attack people,” Asahi pointed out with a shrug. “’Dadera’ is just doing the dirty, but necessary work no one else wants to do.”

Out of tomb he pulled hat! Perfect for orifice he worked at.

Cherry made a face like she was about to be sick. “I really don’t wanna know which orifice he works in,” she muttered.

“It’s the mouth,” Asahi said, ignoring her comment and telling her anyway. “I mean, it only makes sense with all the mouths he has on him.”

Den Nijesus came from sky! His motorboat kyled the died mens.

‘IM FUKKIN JEZEUS AND YOU WILL FACE MY JODGEMENT OF DOOM1” snarted Jezos

Lanfear shat itself.

“Understandable. Most people would shit themselves if some divine being descended upon them from the skies just to scream,” Briar said, nodding his head and then looking to Asahi with a slight grin. “It’s not God, but you got His son, so close enough, I suppose.”

Asahi rolled his eyes, but he had a small smirk at the remark. “Honestly at this point I would just ask him to go ahead and smite me.”

Tiob canatinued

I Lov uy al af hop you love di capter

Have a nice slepe!

ni

tanatos

Sagging in his seat, Asahi shook his head. “Finally,” he breathed in relief. “Finally, it’s over. Holy shit, that felt like it dragged on forever.”

Cherry nodded as she rose from her seat, stretching her arms over her head. “I can safely say I don’t wanna see a Naruto fic in a good long while after all this bullshit,” she said with a sharp laugh. “This was just a mess—all the freakin’ crossover characters? At least make it make sense, RoseHokage! Give us a reason why we got Ed an’ Tom Hanks in this world!”

Shaking his head, Briar cracked his neck before rising to stand. “I think that’s what truly cemented this story as a ‘troll fic’,” he pointed out, rolling a shoulder to ease the tension that had built up. “The fact that she kept throwing in characters from different sources of media with no rhyme or reason, there was no way that this would have been a serious story with Apollo Justice as the main villain whose lair is a Burger King.”

Asahi rolled his eyes as he gathered his things. “As if the character literally named Mary Sue wasn’t confirmation enough,” he muttered and then sighed. “All things considered? It wasn’t the worst story we’ve read. It was kind of boring more than anything, but it wasn’t the worst.”

The Huntsman scoffed, reaching out to Asahi before letting his hand fall and looked away.

“Considering what we read last week, the bar isn’t set very high,” he said to the other with a shake of his head, fighting back the rush of anger that washed over him at just the thought of that story. It had been far from a fun experience, and in comparison, this story had been leaps and bounds better.

Cherry laughed as she picked up her skateboard and tucked it under her arm, “We’ve only read three stories so far, but outta the three this one was defs the middle in ranks,” she told them with a shrug. “Harry’s Destiny was the best, mainly because it was so freakin’ short in comparison. Rebecca Swansin was the worst, for obvious reasons, an’ this one aint great but ain’t terrible. But who knows,” she paused a mischievous look in her eyes, “next weeks story might shake the whole rankin’ up.”

Asahi reached out to smack her on the arm, “Don’t,” he bite out. “Keep talking like that and we’ll be thrown a story even worse than all the others.”

That only got Cherry to laugh and dodge another attempted strike.

Briar smiled as he watched, following the two young companions as they made their way from their seats, bickering and bantering about what sort of madness they’d be given next week to read and suffer through, and if it was even possible for Rebecca Swansin to be dethrone in the rankings.

“Hold on,” he called out to the two, still smiling softly as both stopped and padded over to him with curiosity on their young faces. His smile turned into a teasing grin as he tilted his head to Cherry. “Asahi, I think you owe her a book. You lost the bet.”

It was amusing watching Asahi’s face go from confusion as he tried to recall said bet, to absolute horror as the realization of it struck him, and he held his bag protectively to his chest.

“What the hell?” he asked, looking from Briar to Cherry—who was giddy as she realized what was going on—and back to Briar. “What do you mean I lost the bet?”

He couldn’t help the chuckle, and he couldn’t blame Asahi for being shocked. His claims seemed incredibly likely to pan out—and yet they didn’t. “Your bet on what would happen in the story. You lost,” Briar said, and held up a hand to count on his fingers.

“One; Emeraldia would defeat the Akatsuki singlehandedly, and if she didn’t and needed help, she would claim she did. The story ended unfinished. She hasn’t defeated the Akatsuki yet. It ended with Jesus coming in out of nowhere, but the battle wasn’t finished yet.”

“Two; she will fight Sakura again, and win, and I think you said she’d likely kill her as well. Unfortunately, Sakura hasn’t made a reappearance. So that prediction turned out wrong, too.”

“Three; this one you did guess right. Her harem did expand, in a way. Sasuke is in love with her. There was even the whole ‘power of love’ incident that you didn’t like. So that is a point in your favor weighing against two points against you.”

“Four; she would defeat Orochimaru, who would be depicted with even more uncomfortable sexual harasser undertones. Unfortunately, Orochimaru isn’t really in this too much, and he’s not really depicted as a bad guy. At least not like the loud lawyer is.”

“Five; she’d fulfill her destiny and defeat Madara. Again, this story is unfortunately not finished, so that never happened. No destiny achieved, no defeat of Madara. Standing four to one, now.”

“Six; never did achieve any sort of god like power, and seven; her backstory wasn’t necessarily tragic. Unless you count the tragedy that is Mary having to deal with her every day.”

Asahi groaned and hung his head in shame as Briar listed off all the predictions he had made, wholly expecting each one to actually happen in the story, feeling his face flush in more shame when only one out of seven fucking predictions came true. What the hell? How had he been so wrong?

He blamed the story. What would have normally been predictable hadn’t happened because no one could predict what asinine bullshit this story was going to spit out next. It ended with Jesus of all people joining the fray! It also never finished, Asahi was sure that if the story actually reached a conclusion, his predictions would have ultimately happened.

But the story never finished, and he had lost his own bet. Shit.

Sighing, Asahi hunched over and slowly opened his bag. He lost, there was no point in being a sore looser about it. Slowly and clearly reluctant to do so, he pulled out The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. He hesitated a moment before holding it out to Cherry. She won the bet, she won the book. He had to accept this fact, no matter how much he didn't like it. He never did like giving up his books, especially to people who weren't big on reading, and reading was the last thing he'd list as things she did for fun.

“Here,” he muttered.

Cherry grinned and took it from him, staring at the cover for a few moments before tucking it into her own bag.

Narrowing his eyes, Asahi threw his bag over his shoulder again. “I expect it back next week, unless you’re actually reading it,” he said, and pointed a finger at her. “And you better not damage it. I don’t want to see the pages dog-eared or find shit like coffee stains on it, got it?”

Laughing Cherry swatted his hand away, “Relax, Asahi, I know how to take care of a book,” she told him still grinning from ear to ear. “I’ll have this baby back to you during the next session, so don’t get your panties in a twist, okay?”

Asahi grumbled, but seemingly accepted this.

Watching it all unfold, Briar felt another smile grace his face and a warmth settle in his chest. As strange as this all was, as strange as his companions were, it was nice. They were nice. It was a brief respite from the hardships and destitution that awaited him outside the theater doors.

#Naruto #Fanfiction #MST #MST3k Style Riffing

[thetheatermst]

Hidan Beef Village Pt. 2

After twenty or so minutes of a well-deserved break, the group had shuffled back into the theater with some reluctance and an armful of snacks. It may not have felt like nearly long enough time to recover, but it would have to do. The sooner they got everything done, the sooner they could go home, after all.

There was, thankfully, no new letter waiting for them upon their return.

“Hey, get your own popcorn,” Asahi muttered, trying to angle his bucket away from Cherry’s grabby hands as they nestled into their seats, struggling to hold both the large bucket and his soda at once. Briar, at least, took pity and took his soda from him so that Asahi could get situated.

“But you got the best snack,” Cherry complained, reaching over for another handful.

Asahi smacked her hand away this time, hands now free, glaring at her. “Then you should have gotten yourself one when we were at the concessions,” he retorted. “It’s not like we’re paying for these, you had nothing stopping you from getting your own popcorn.”

“Here you go,” Briar said, handing him back his soda, and then looking over to Cherry as well. “He has a point. We still have time; you can run up and get yourself some popcorn before the story resumes.”

“Don’t feel like it,” Cherry confessed, slumping in her seat and stretching her legs. “‘Sides, popcorn tastes better when it’s shared.”

Asahi growled, pushed his bucket further from her, “Well, I don’t want to share,” he stated, but was effectively ignored as Cherry stuck her hand in the popcorn and stole a handful. “Why do I even bother?”

Still grinning and munching on her stolen loot, Cherry turned her attention to Briar—who had not-so subtly maneuvered his pile of snacks so they were as far from her reach as he could. “I’ve been meaning to ask,” she said, nodding to him. “What are you?”

Her question was met with an elbow in her rib and dark eyes glaring at her, “Bolton!” Asahi hissed under his breath. Don’t ask rude questions went unsaid, but was as loud as anything else.

With the proficiency that came from years of experience; Cherry ignored him.

Far from looking offended, Briar brought a hand to cup a not-quite-round ear and gave a soft hum. “I suppose it’s not what you would say subtle,” he said with a sardonic smile, his eyes gaining an odd, faraway look to them.

It wasn’t just the point to his ears or the violet eyes with a seemingly unnatural glow to them. His face had something of an etherealness to it. Despite his hardened expressions, his face always looked soft, his expression both youthful and ancient. Beyond appearances alone, sitting near him always left a strange sensation creeping in the back of one’s mind. A dissonance of whispers just out of reach, a current of electricity beneath the skin, gentle enough to barely notice. The easiest way Cherry could think to describe it? His vibe felt all sorts of strange.

Still, with that soft look and despondent smile, Briar lowered his hands. “I’m half-fae,” he said, and that smile turned even more bitter. “My kind—fae—are not exactly well-liked where I come from. Not that being a Huntsman makes you any more likable. Less so, if I’m to be honest.”

“Half-fae?” Cherry said with a slight frown, face screwed up in confusion. “You guys got fairies?”

Asahi elbowed her again. “The dude fights monsters. Just last week he told us about kobolds he was fighting!” he reminded with a bit of a bite. “Are you seriously surprised that there are fairies?”

Though Cherry flushed at the reminder, Briar gave a soft laugh. “It’s fine, and yes, we do. We also have elves and dragons; in case you were wondering.”

“You said you weren’t well liked,” Asahi spoke up, giving Briar a scrutinizing look. “What do you mean by that?”

Briar shrugged, leaning back. “Humans are cruel,” he said, not looking at them. “I can understand their aversion to monsters, but they despise people who are different, too. Elves and fae. They live longer than humans, they look different than humans, and—to them—the worst is that they pretend to be human. Some kingdoms treat them kindly, others do not, the village I was born to being one. Though… even if my blood wasn’t diluted by the fae, being a huntsman is hardly liked, either. People don’t like those who are different from them.”

“No, they do not,” Cherry agreed, shaking her head as she sank deeper into her seat.

With nothing more to say, the lights began to dim as the screen began to glow. Their little break time was done, it was time to return to the story.

Okey sirry four buyi goon su lung but skull wass toff.

Cherry frowned, “Any of ya understand that?” she asked, turning to the two men.

“Something about lungs and skulls,” Briar answered with a shake of his head. “Beyond that? It’s nonsense.”

 Bite tis chiptar whale bee extra god!!!!111!! Ii kno Embeeradlia is suc a greet chairact

“Your idea of what constitutes as a ‘great’ character is horrendous, and you should be ashamed of yourself,” Asahi scowled as he sank deeper into his seat, glaring up at the screen. 

butt shi wont bee in thihs chapte .ite weel hav the funreal of Mate Gee woh wasp targicooly mudred (biy who? Miybe I whal revale it latte)

Briar held his hands out in complete confusion, opening his mouth to speak. “But… we know who killed him,” he said, absolutely flabbergasted. “You wrote a scene of Emeraldia killing him with a shuriken because he was in her window. Emeraldia killed him and everyone reading this knows that!”

Sighing, Asahi shook his head, “I think she has honestly forgotten that, and is just too lazy to read her own work to double check.”

  kno mi chaper!!!!11!!!!1!1!1!!!

 ***rr****8

 “She’s pretty consistent at least,” Cherry pointed out as she plucked a few pieces of popcorn from Asahi’s bucket. “She always shoves eights into those asterisks.”

Kankierow wooked ito tre rome. One tw flour off th sand cattle he see Guren

“Sand cattle have made their return,” Asahi commented as he smacked Cherry’s hand from going to his popcorn a second time. “And Gurren makes its debut.”

“You think Kamina is in there?” Cherry asked.

“God, I hope not. He’s too cool to be trapped in this madness.”

dad!!!!!!111!!!!!111!!!!!

“He’s your younger brother,” Briar corrected, dragging a hand down his face. “Even if your brother can sickeningly enough also be your father, Gaara is younger than you, it’s impossible for him to be your dad.”

Asahi grimaced, looking like he wanted to throw up, “Thanks, just had the thought of my brother also being my dad fill my head. Didn’t need that.”

 “BOOOOOOOOOOVOOOOOOO!!!111!!!! MOOSE GEARY!!!!” yilt Skunkurrin.

“Okay, okay,” Cherry said, laughing a little. “I am so gonna scream Moose Geary whenever I’m upset now. That’s such a weird thing to cry that it’s funny.”

“Please don’t,” Asahi said quickly. 

Aye mist till evol Lord Shadi!!!!111!!! Tit Klan And Tomatoei.  

There was a moment of silence, the text hanging in suspension on the screen. Letters and numbers in a jumbled mess, it really wasn’t anything new. Still, Briar brought both hands to his face and groaned. “I’ve read the sentence five times over, and I still can’t understand it,” he confessed.

Cherry reached across Asahi to pat him on the shoulder. “Careful, tryin' too hard to comprehend this junk will melt your brain.” 

Klunkyrowrow  

“Now you’re not even trying to write his name right!” Asahi groaned. “Klunkyrowrow? Klunkyrowrow?” 

rune tow the frump dork bote ate wast toe match!!!!! Kanny grubbed a rap ind hinge himselves.  

“A tragic way to go, but he’s free now from this mess,” Cherry decided after a fraction of a second used for somber silence. “Least until he’s brought back cause the author forgot she killed him off.”

Bro’wn Boris wookie and loafed. “NEW I CANT BEE THER RAD HOKIEO!!!!!!!!!”

 “You’re in the Hidden Sand Village,” Briar repeated with slow emphasis. “You can’t be the Hokage, period.”

****8***88**

 Canin sid ‘hehehahohkukuifyto11!!111!!!” shoe kidnoped Misstre Nuddles!!!!1111!!! “Know yu wok mee!!!!” Kornan evilled.

“Wait, wait, wait just a second,” Cherry cut in, waving her hands and rising to stand, as if getting closer to the screen would make things more comprehensible. “Didn’t he die? I swear I remember him dyin’ before we took a break.”

Asahi shrugged, “Yeah, but death is a social construct in these stories.”

Thy Nudele goy sweeted Nodles. He dint went to buy evale.

“I hope,” Briar began, face twisted in disgust as he pushed his package of nutes and dried fruit further away from himself, his appetite lost, “that this isn’t where he gets the noodles he uses for his food.”

“Thanks, again, for another traumatising mental image,” Asahi groaned. “I won’t be eating pasta for a while now.”

“Mac avil rameno!!!!” cummend Konien. 

Miser Nood hande here t OVAL RUMINE!!!1111!!!11!! Maid off thin blokest oaf harts!!!111!!!1111!!!1 “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMOOOOOOOOOOOBOOOO!!!!1111!!!! he yellow.

There were a few things that could be commented on. Cummend for a dirty joke, Mac Avil Rameno for a stupid joke, Oval Rumine for an even stupider joke. Asahi decided to pick one on the stupid spectrum. “Ramen made by the blackest of hats. Does that mean Black Hat made this?” he asked with a soft smile to himself, “I mean… if that’s the case then I absolutely can believe the ramen is evil.”

I well tid thine ramentoru own a inocet: INO!!!!!! (AN: Hahahahah!!!! Ite a pun!!!!11!!)

“Our jokes have been fairly stupid, but that pun was worse than ours,” Briar deadpanned.

“NOOOO!!!” Manoodle nodled.

Inno eat thin bowel. SHE EVIL!!!!!!!  

Asahi rolled his eyes, and Cherry snuck another handful of his popcorn. “Of course, of course. So, we have Sakura with the Akatsuki, and now Ino is with…Cannin? Konein? Wait, is this supposed to be Konan?”

“The paper lady?” Cherry asked around a mouthful of popcorn. “Wow, I really misjudged who this was. Thought it was some random dude. Guess both girls are part of the Akatsuki now.” 

Thyne: PUMA!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!w!!

“Puma?” Briar repeated. “I… is this some internet joke?”

“If it is, it’s an old one, but a classic, involving two color-coordinated sides at war.” Cherry answered, and Asahi nodded in agreement.

***888**((

 It wes the funnelrel off Mitty Guoy and R Teach X Teach J Teach Y Teach wear their

“Keep this up an y’all will have a full alphabet of teachers,” Cherry chuckled.

Sou was Sjhuzunne en herr adtopred datter Luna. Mello wes thy’ an shie was eateng khoclate. Mello use two life o Wham Hose but Korey bured it don.

 “Great,” Asahi groaned, sliding further down in his seat as he almost dropped his popcorn, “More OCs. Just what I wanted, thanks.”

“It’s worse than you think,” Cherry groused, crossing her arms over her chest, “It’s not just OCs, she took characters from Death Note. Seriously? Mello? Wammy’s House? Why do ya gotta do us dirty like this?”

Asahi nodded and gestured to the screen with a wave of his hand. “They also gender bent him. Like, I’m fine with genderbending most of the time, but this just feels shoehorned in and weird.”

Miello came two Conha and Chazo thin fatter off Chobi take hear in. Shi now Konha Chairladder.

 “I suppose Chairladder is a new rank in the Hidan Beef Village,” Briar sighed. “Though with these new characters, it’s all the more confusing and my head hurts like a bitch trying to figure out who is who.”

  Jerrya wood half ben thar butt he wasp kalled bi Peen who wa relly Yahook wit Nogoat iside him.

“Way to just brush over that major plot point,” Asahi complained, taking a handful of popcorn and throwing it at the screen.

Rook Lie sawed the coffee with Mate Gay insode ad he cri lick a lelama.

“I don’t blame him for cryin’ his eyes out,” Cherry shrugged. “Might Guy was his mentor, dude styled himself after him, course he’s gonna be devastated by his death.”

  Tsuna say a foo wods. “Mitty Goyle was lofed bay Al and mie he rust in piece.”

“I have questions about a rusting body,” Asahi muttered.

“Same,” said Briar.

  Thon Zabooze and hiss doter Hacko ru in. Zabooze grub the crops off Mount Guy ad EAT HIM!!!!!!1q!!!!

“It’s an effective way to dispose of a body,” Briar said.

“I can’t say I disagree,” Asahi agreed with a hand to his chin, “Have some weirdos eat the body and you don’t leave a trace. Can’t get caught if there’s no evidence.”

Cherry shook her head, “Sure, sure. That don’t explain why Zabuza and Haku are the ones bein’ cannibals. Especially when they’re long since dead by this point!”

“Zaboose ho did yow retarn form the dad?” esked Arachmaru.

Briar held up a hand and narrowed his eyes at the screen. “Hold on. Arachmaru? This better not be Orochimaru, but misspelled.”

“Wouldn’t be surprised if it was,” Cherry sighed.

I was bot ;lice buy the oval ninje DARKEYE!!!!!!!11!!!

“I was bot lice buy the oval ninja, darkeye,” Cherry read out loud and then shook her head, “Yeah, makin' less sense by the second. What’s bot lice even got to do with this shit? Who’s Darkeye?”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!!!!!1111!!!!!! He tow strung!!!!1111!!! say Giraya.

 “Jiraiya, you’re dead,” Briar reminded. “Stay dead.”

  Zobo run awey.

****878**8 

Osher Bosher  

“Ah yeah, the best character is back,” Cherry cheered.

“Still the greatest name so far,” Asahi agreed.

 creed becost Embeeradlia dnt goo ot wit him. Sudden, evil appear!!!!!!

“I aim Ted” say Ted. “If yo arrrr said, bee EVIL!!!””

“Fuck Ted,” Asahi muttered as Cherry booed. “Called it, he’s the evilest of all the Cute Sushi, and now that Sauceri is gone they need a replacement.”

Oisher Bosher. agreed. Now he evil!!!!!!

Mastr Mohara said kill Kurreny” Ted evilled

Tey run ito Kohak. Kurray mist DIE!!!!!

***8***

“Does anyone remember who Kurreny is?” Briar asked the others.

Asahi shook his head, and Cherry shrugged. “I thought he was talkin' 'bout curry. Curry must die. Kinda the stupid shit that fits right in.”

  Price Gucko reding the Noosepaper. It say “Grarao is dude and Brun Boriss is Sand Hokedge.”

He was fudge shooked and dripped the moose. “NOOOOOO!!!11!!”

“I know, Boris is a Hokage in a land that is led by a Kazekage,” Briar sympathised with a shake of his head. “It just does not make sense.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Cherry interrupted, “But where did the moose come from?”

Thene he saw a nowconer in the rome. It was Suggestu!!!! “Sauske want yur kindom’s portrection fore hiss rebalion agangst Konhaha”.

“ yes pince Gecko” said.

Asahi frowned, “Does anyone even know who this guy is?” he asked the others. “This isn’t the Gekko from Konohagakure, he’s just a shinobi, not a prince. Could it be the Land of Snow’s Gekko? …Nah, that wouldn’t make sense, either.”

“Honestly, I dunno,” Cherry shrugged her shoulders and leaned back. “At this point I just pretend they’re all OC’s. Hurts the brain less, ya know? At this point, Prince Gecko could just be another original character, or Gaara being dragged 'round after dying like Achilles did to Hector.”

  Sudden his Bodygard, Tim Bguard rune in.

“Bruin Brois and the Band Vilge ar atack!!! “ he shoot.

“Well, those bards had better be ready to fight,” Briar said, raising a fist in half-hearted support. “Defeat them with the sound of annoying sonnets.”

“Just get the trumpets front an' center an' they’ll be unbeatable,” Cherry added.

 “Roady denfunses!” yelled Prince Gecko. “Fire Squid Cannons!”

 *****88**

 Asahi jerked forward, choking on the water he had been sipping, “I’m sorry,” he croaked, looking up at the screen in disbelief. “The squid cannons? They have squid cannons? What the fuck?”

“Honestly, squid cannons sound kinda cool,” Cherry confessed, grinning when that only served to send Asahi even more over the wall.

“No, they don’t!”

  Kornan had creeted an ivil armey. It had manny evils in eet. Iet alsa had Tom Henks and Ful Meatl Alchromust. “Hahaha!!” shi laffed.

“An evil army… no army is inherently evil,” Briar mumbled. “They’re men and women who believe in a cause, believe in their leader, who is evil, but they don’t understand it. They’ve been conditioned or blinded into thinking they’re doing the right thing.”

Cherry frowned and shrugged, “I mean, I think military is bull an' soldiers are bad, so I’m a bit biased. But, considering it has Ed in it? Yeah, no, not an evil army, just misguided.”

“And Tom Hanks? Yeah, totally evil army material,” Asahi added with a roll of his eyes and sarcasm on the tongue.

Madrar apaired! “Koniun, you mus kill Embradleya!”

“Cann I boing mi amy?” ask Konoon.

“No go in steth but binge Dadeara and Hiden.” Mufasa roared lick a loin.

“Return of the loin,” Asahi said, unimpressed.

Cherry nodded, “I guess they’re just gonna abandon their attack on the Band Village in favor of huntin' her down,” she said, then paused to think it over before snickering. “Nah, who am I kiddin’. They got scared off by the squid cannons.”

“The Akateyshusho will whine!” yelled Kone.

“As much as I wish that were the case,” Asahi began as he leaned his head as far back as he could, letting out a low groan between clenched teeth. “I know that won’t be the case. Because we can’t have shit around here.” 

***8**

Dye was passing ate the funreal.

“Luna sees you” say Luna too Dye.

Dye pat her hed. He simile.  

Briar hummed, and after a moment of thought he nodded his head. “That is a fairly normal way to react, I suppose,” he admitted. “If I was at a funeral and some child creepily stared at me while saying she saw me, I’d just respond with a polite smile, too.”

“Especially since it’s already been a weird as fuck funeral,” Cherry added with a bite of laughter to hide the frustration. “The guy the funeral is for got eaten by another guy who was supposed to be dead. So of course it’s one of those days you just gotta smile an’ accept that shit is weird.”

Anco runned in. “I nonk who to defat Darkeye!!!” she yellered.

“Do we want to defeat him, though?” Asahi asked. “All he’s really done is associate with a cannibal. Does that warrant a big scene about how he needs to be beaten?”

Cherry leaned over to pat him on the shoulder. “He’s probs the antichrist or some shit. So of course they need to beat him.” 

  Thin Mello take her natebook and writ “Unko. Hart Attic”.

 White deed it men?????

Cherry blinked, and took a moment to mull over the scene before speaking. “For a second there, I forgot we have a genderbent Mello here,” she confessed. “But, of course she has the Death Note with her, of course we can’t have a normal, non-crossover trollfic.”

“And ‘what did it mean’?” Asahi asked with a scoff. “Everyone knows what a Death Note does.”

Slowly, Briar held up his hand as he watched the two. “I don’t.”

“You don’t count. Anime doesn’t exist where you’re from.”

  To buy contina……..4.. 

(Sue exiting!!! Evan AYE wont tol red the nixt copter!)

 Cherry stole another handful of Asahi’s popcorn, throwing it at the screen. It barely reached the letter table. “You’re the only one excited for this!"

okey iff u lik my storie hearxs anoter cHHaper al those pople ho like mi sttorry thenk u butt iff u dent lik ut dont red it!!!!1!!!! Add thankies to Bloom-kun four aways being nicey!  

There really was no hope in keeping her hands out of it, so Asahi handed the rest of his popcorn off to Cherry and crossed his arms over his chest as he slouched some more. “I’ve said it before, but ‘don’t like, don’t read’ really is a valid stance.”

“Sure,” Cherry said as she began shoveling popcorn into her mouth. “But I’m more surprised someone was frequently bein’ nice ‘bout the fic. Well… not really, now that I think bout it. There will always be someone who goes about it all nice like, even if the author doesn’t deserve it.”

***88*88*9

 Embradlia was see SasUKE fitting Attach th evill brothel off saske!!!!!11!1!!

Briar hummed, brows furrowed in disappointment. “I was so distracted by the rest of the madness being thrown at us, that I completely forgot we were supposed to be following Emeraldia,” he confessed. Then, after a moment of thought, continued. “I’d personally rather go back to the Band Village and their squid cannons.”

“Same!” Cherry shouted. “At least the squid cannons are cool!”

Sasu wasp used al the god tachnicks butt it ditunt wok!!!111!!!1 attachi was like, suu strung thet hee culd fire loser bems from his floor!!!!!1

“Honestly? With how strong Itachi is I wouldn’t be surprised if he could conjure loser beams,” Asahi admitted with a shrug.

Cherry cackled, leaning over to bump her shoulder against his, spilling some popcorn into his lap. “Anyone who gets hit gets turned into a big loser,” she snickered. “It explains so much about Sasuke.”

Suttenley Sasuck perpaired his CHEATORI!!!!5!!!!  

“The chidori does feel like a cheater move at times,” Briar nodded.

“I prefer the rasengan, myself. It’s way more powerful,” Asahi chirped. “And it’s a lot cooler to watch it get made.”

  “””Lock behid u!’ attasi shooted! Sasuuke did. Ottoch kocked hime inn teh heir!!132!12!4!

 ‘mi farther is Darth Valer u cunnot qin” ottachi expaned… “Nomun wil effer defood me!!!!”

 Asahi scowled. “His dad is now Darth Vader?” he asked and rolled his eyes. “Lame. Fugaku Uchiha was a good and complicated character, why replace what wasn’t broken?

“Besides, Darth Vader is cool,” Cherry complained. “Why ruin him by addin’ him to the weird meltin’ pot of a crossover?”

i am uchina sask!!1! sadsuke sayed at his rother i em rowerfull!!z!!!! “bite I hev Mango Sharkingan!!!!!!me!!!!!! attach till saske. add i half tre moist powrful tacknick evver!!!!

Noooooo! sasock shitted.

There was a collective laugh from the three-man audience at that one.

“I feel sorry for him, a little,” Briar said, lips twitching into a small smile. “He was so frightened by his brother’s attack that he ended up shitting his own pants.”

Cherry nodded and even Asahi was struggling to control his laughter, “You really can’t help but feel sorry for him at that point.”

‘enuf!’ Emeradlia hat had enuf.

Emeraliad pilled out a gun and shot Attachi in the feces.

“Who needs ninja techniques when you can have a fuckin’ gun?” Cherry asked.

“I call bullshit,” Asahi said with a scoff, but soon shifted into a chuckle and a smirk. “But it looks like Brightmoon just shot him in his.”

Thin Ebleradia see Buter Kidd watking herr. “these is mee momutt,’ she taught. Eberaladia shoot Burger Kid dead.

There was a pause, a moment of silence as they just took in what had happened. It dragged on, a silence for a moment turning into a silence lasting minutes until Briar leaned forward, hands folded together under his chin as he stared at the words in disbelief.

“I’m sorry,” he began, squinting his eyes as he read it over for the umpteenth time. “What?”

The younger two were not quite as calm in their responses.

“Screw you, Brightmoon! What did Butter Kid do to you to deserve being shot?” Asahi demanded as he rose to his feet. “Seriously, what the hell?”

Cherry shook her head and rolled her eyes. “She really is turnin' into more an' more of a serial killer. It’s unbelievable.”

Emeradlia wus the nicist gurl in the beef viledge.

“Nice people don’t have body counts,” Cherry shouted as Briar tugged Asahi back into his seat. “Murdering people is the fuckin’ opposite of bein’ nice!”

Sasosukin sawed Emberaldia. Shi was thi mosst bootiful whoaman he hat ener seened.

“Thank ewe,” Sosken sayAD. i  loaf u

Groaning, Asahi gave up the fight and let Briar push him back into the seat. “Of course. I freaking called it,” he bent forward to place his head on his knees. “Can’t have a heroine without a goddamn harem. Why is it always a harem? It’s the most annoying trope out there!”

“It’s a status symbol,” Cherry explained, though she didn’t sound all too thrilled about it. “The more people that wanna fuck ya the more popular ya must be. So if this chick has every guy thirstin’ after her, then it means she really is the nicest, prettiest, greatest thing to ever exist. Even if we know she aint.”

“I hate it,” he groaned, still with his face against his knees. Briar said nothing, but reached over to give him a single, comforting pat on the back.

Cow can prepay u? Wasuke assed.

Emradla kissed thim. Thin she cussed him agayn. “im trayig to fide oot whoo killeded Moat Guy so I cann hilp the vileage.!

“You killed him!” all three yelled, frustrated by this running plot thread, frustrated that she continued to play dumb over the death of her first recorded victim and pretend she had nothing to do with it and knew nothing of it. It was turning their already thin patience thinner.

“Tock toa the polise att teh polish staton. Yell them Sasokie set yu.”

Asahi raised his head to glare at the screen, exhaustion plain to see on his face, looking haggard and desolate. “It makes a certain kind of sense,” he said, grimacing, as if just saying something made sense was now giving him physical pain. It probably was. “But realistically, what cop is going to just talk about an ongoing case with some rando?”

He didn’t even give the others a chance to respond before he bent back over and returned his face to their sanctuary on his knees. “I know they will. She’ll walk in and they will tell her everything before she even opens her mouth.”

Emeradlia wiz sooo!!!! hippy thate shi creed add her tires wer rainbows!

Cherry snickered, and even Asahi looked back up from his misery, “Called it,” she told the two as she leaned back, smirking like she won the lottery. “Her name is Brightmoon, she’s got to be associated with rainbows. …Though, cryin' them is a bit much.”

At least it got Asahi to chuckle a little. “It’s going to be easy to find the pot of gold at the end of them.”

“Beuty is you,” Sasick telled her ass he kossed her perfuct lips. “Butt now I mist go” Sansak xplaned .

y doe u have too go Sokka? assed Emeraldia

“im a fruitgitive and if the ploice caut me tey’d putt me in jayl. I dont kno any lockpecking jutsew. Ill leaf by crosing wotty britge.

“Wotty Britge iss the most imported fridge we half inn the beef vilge!’ Emeradlia exclammed. I surr hop nothing bad hapens two it.

“It’s just a fridge,” Asahi shrugged as he straightened up, turned out curled up like that in the seat for prolonged periods of time was killer on the back. “As important as they are, they’re easy enough to replace.”

Cherry nodded in agreement, “But, got to love that obvious foreshadowin'. How much ya wanna bet she’s gonna destroy the bridge?”

“She will, and then she will deny ever doing it,” the Huntsman sighed and shook his head.

Saskie runned off

‘Emerad-kunt you lok KAWAII!!!!!’ somone shouted loudly like a noise.

The three shared a glance, the younger two smirking a little as Briar shook his head, though he was clearly amused by it, too. “The suffix truly fits her.”

IT wad har best fiend Silvette! (Boom-kun tis is u! Sirry it took so lung to git you in)

“Great,” Asahi muttered as he saw the new arrival, reaching to get his drink and chew on the straw. “As if one wasn’t bad enough, now there’s a friendsona whose existence is solely to hype up how ‘great’ Brightmoon is.”

Cherry shrugged, “Well, she can’t be any more annoyin' than Emeraldia.”

‘Silvette watt are yo duing here i thot you had a dat with Chobi/’\ 

‘I dit but he hat to glo on a specal misson with is menteor Assoman ad also Shakemaru.

“Jiraiya is dead, but Asuma is alive?” Briar asked, though no one responded, no need to confirm what they already knew. “This timeline is all over the place.”

“Did you expect anything else?” Asahi raised an eyebrow as he stared at Briar.

Wut aboot Inno?

‘Inno wint missing,. Silvetter told Emeradlia.

“Poor girl,” Cherry shook her head, faking a sympathetic sob. “She got fed evil ramen, and now she’s evil.”

“Evil ramen of questionable origins,” Briar added with a shudder.

“Watt iff she was kidnoped?” scremed Emralda heroicly.

“Nothin’ heroic about screamin',” Cherry pointed out and then shrugged. “She did get kidnapped, though. So maybe y’all should be doin’ something bout that.”

‘Sheese probly jusst in the bathrum or somtheng. Silvette telled her.

Asahi frowned and raised a brow, “How long do you think girls take in a bathroom?” he asked.

“Can confirm, we take for-fuckin’-ever in the bathrooms,” Cherry shrugged. “We use them for meetin' grounds when we wanna summon evil spirits and demons. That’s why we spend so much time in them. Satanic rituals take time.”

 “But Assoman taked Chobi on thee mison becuz the eville ninje Darkeye hass retured. He so powrfil tey say he cud beet the sage of sick path. Jerrya culd stop him but Jerrya was murderped by Pane.

“Of course, got to make him that powerful, because a story can’t possibly be interesting unless the poorly written characters are insanely powerful,” Asahi threw his arms into the air as he said that, glowering at the screen.

Darkeye brot Zabooze and Hacku back from the dude. Enko sayed shee new how to beat Darkeye butt she was murdered buy a hart attic.”

 Briar tilted his head, looking thoughtful. “I’m sure the two would have rather stayed with the dude.”

  ‘Al theese merders, culd their bee a connteshion? Mate Gay, Garuru, Kankorea ad Fire Dad all dyed. Brown Boris thy sun of Evil Lord Shadi is Sand Hocage! Embradlia askoed

Aye remaber Fire Dad! Silvette.

Asahi frowned and looked to his companions, “Did I miss something? How did she knew Kankyrowrow died?” he asked them. “He died committing the act of self-delete after she left, because she murdered his brother. How would she know he’s dead?”

Placing a hand on his shoulder, Cherry solemnly shook her head. “It’s the power of bullshit an' plot holes.”

“Emradla wesent Fire Dad thi broter off Orochimaru?

“Thank you for telling us who Fire Dad is,” Briar said, not looking thankful at all. “Not that he makes any more sense with this knowledge.”

 Fire Dad wuss foud deaded onn the dai u gradulated frum Ninjer Acadoomy! Hiss corpes wiz rihgt outsid the rumen ship so he was grinded up into ramen.

Cherry was starting to look a little queasy as she read it, “First ramen made from sweat. Now corpses are bein’ ground up into it,” she shuddered. “I’m never gonna be able to eat a bowl of ramen again.”

“Same,” Asahi groaned, looking a bit sick himself.

Beefor that his bodie locked like a bug bite! Spider-Man was Sauceri’s bronther ad Fire Dod wais an exparty at hiding thongs. Silvette saided.

Spider-Man.

They looked at each other, at the screen, stared at it long and hard just to make sure they had read it right, and then stared even harder. But, no. Spider-Man, that’s what was on the screen, that was what was written.

“I can’t believe it,” Briar muttered in disbelief. “She actually spelt Spider-Man right. Shre hyphenated it. I’m… I’m genuinely shocked.”

Asahi nodded, leaning back and looking as if he’d gotten punched. “Same. So many people think it’s all one word, like Superman or Batman. But she actually spelled it right. I’m both amazed and terrified right now.”

It was a shocking moment, an accurately spelled name when the same was so commonly formatted wrong. A hyphen, a freaking hyphen of all things had been used correctly. It felt like one of those moments that just didn’t feel real. As if this were a dream.

Cherry leaned forward, folded her hands together. “It’s great an all,” she began, and with one simple sentence, she shattered that dream-like moment. “But, I’m more amazed that their Fire Daddy is a thong-hidin’ expert.”

‘Yar like Sharluck Homes! Complemontied Emeradlia. Maibe Spider-Man trucked Fire Dad ito hide Sasouri inn mi nudulls add then killeddead him to pervent anywun frum finding out. Thet’s a conneticut!

“I always knew Connecticut was evil,” Cherry yelled as she stood up. “Ya can never trust those bastards!”

“Plus, Spider-Man confirmed evil. J. Jonah Jameson must be having a field day,” Asahi added and shook his head. “Explains how Sauceri was able to get into the noodle bowl.”

‘Orochimaru lifes onn the same streete as mii so ill go tock to him!’ Silvette voluncheered. ‘Poor Orochimaru. I woodent want to be Orochimaru becuz Orochimaru’s broter wass killed by Speedo-Man. Iv ey wass Orochimaru

There was a groan, and even Briar dragged a hand down his face. “Nevermind the fact that he is one of the overarching antagonists, a thorn in the side and constant villain since the early days,” he muttered.

“It sure is convenient though that he just so happens to be your neighbor,” Asahi spoke slowly, letting the skepticism in his voice show. “A villain who is a wanted criminal and responsible for what Sasuke does just so happens to live next to you. What a funny coincidence.”

Cherry threw her hands out to the screen, cheeks turning red from the frustration. “Why are you sympathizin' with this creep?” she demanded, her voice rising in pitch.

 Silvette runned off.

Emeradlia sawed Kurreny and Kaiba.

“Finally,” Asahi muttered. “Kiba and Kurenai, two people who are actually cool.”

“I thick sumbuddy turred Inno eville bi fedding her EVIL NOODLES!” scremed Kaiba.

“I take it back. He’s not cool anymore.”

Briar frowned, “How does he even know what happened to her? Was he watching her get force fed the Noodles of Evil?”

“He’s psychic,” Cherry answered as if it were so simple. “The dog powers have given him psychic abilities.”

Then Dye runned at Emerlia. ‘I seed how Gate Guy DIED!” he gaspoon. “He wiz killed by a lawiyer.”

“Lies,” Asahi snarled. “Brightmoon doesn’t have the intellect to pass junior high, let alone a bar exam.”

“Obviously he’s tryin’ to cover for her,” Cherry accused. “Dye knows she killed Guy, he was there. He’s clearly tryin’ to keep the heat off her. Probs gots the hot for her like everyone else.”

Snapping his fingers together, Asahi leaned to her with a wide grin. “Clever! He’s why no one’s figured out it was Brightmoon. He’s been messing with the crime scene, planting false evidence!”

 E meradlia was shoccered “Appaulo Justace! she scammed

Briar chuckled just softly enough it was almost missed. “I’d hate to be a lawman named Appaulo Justace.”

“Aren’t all the names just that bad?” Cherry asked with a smirk. “But, like, Ace Attorney names are a whole category of bad.”

Laughing, Asahi nodded to what she said. “Bad in the way you can’t help but love them. The English ones, I mean. The original ones like Naruhodou Ryuuichi and Ayasato Mayoi are fine and all, they're perfectly good names, but they aren’t the clever pun names that make you smile and laugh like Winston Payne, Deid Mann, and Jacques Portsman.”

"My favorite is Mr. Reus," Cherry grinned. "Mr. Reus. Mysterious. An' then there's Manov Mistree, I just love it."

  888**89476

Menwhale  Konanndo leaded herr EVIL ARM of MIDE-COWTROLLED SLAVES to attalk Cannonha. Shio hadd Full Mettal Alcomast ad Tom Henks wit her.

 “Return of the Menwhale,” Cherry called out. “Everyone, duck in cover!”

“However will we survive,” Asahi added, his tone as dry and monotonous as he could get it, but he was smiling.

  Konon walked at the vilger etrance. Thin a bear aticked her! ‘Oh no a HoBear!”” she gansted.

 Cherry was laughing as she read it. “Oh, no! Not a HoBear, they’ll steal business from everyone working that line of work,” she said, and continued to snicker. “But, really. First the intrusive leopard, and now an interrupting bear.”

“This village has a lot of dangerous animals living close by,” Briar mused. “They should invest in some game wardens.”

With a rawr like a volcano erection,

Briar looked at the others. “We’re all mature enough to just ignore that one, right?” he asked, but received no response. Lips twitching, he stared at them. “Right?”

Unfortunately, though he was mature enough, the others were not. Cherry, in fact, was snickering, hand over her mouth to muffle the laughter. “Volcanic erection,” she muttered, and even Asahi smirked, his shoulders shaking a little.

The Huntsman turned away and sighed.

 Konon runned aweigh to th Satonic Laundromat wear everone was a Stanist. She goateed into a washing mashine and turned it onn.

Asahi nodded his head in understanding. “Convenient, I like. You can worship Satan while simultaneously doing your laundry. It’s a win for everyone.”

“Just finished all yer ritualistic human sacrifices an’ now find yourself covered in blood?” Cherry asked, taking on an infomercial tone of voice. “Not a problem! Just toss your cloaks into one of them machines an’ before ya know it, you’re ready to go!”

Kontan telparted to the Akatzucchini Layer.

 “I see that we now have the Akat-Zucchini, not to be confused with the Cute Sushi,” Briar noted with a nod. “I wonder if they’re allies or rivals.”

“I’m betting lovers who broke up an’ made their own organizations to spite the other after the break up,” Cherry smirked.

  She wood nebber be botan!

Tobi cowtinued….4

Perking up, Asahi smiled, “There’s Tobi. Wondered when that boy was going to show up.”

Plez gif god revews! Thar iss no charatter called Mary Sue!

“I hate this so much,” Cherry said, standing up and popping her spine. “But, I also need to take a piss, so let’s take a quick break. That sound good for the two of ya?”

Asahi shrugged, then nodded, rising to his feet. “I need to stretch my legs, and try to recover some sanity,” he said with a sigh and yawn, “At least we’re almost done. …We are almost done, right?”

“Hell if I know.”

Briar shook his head, standing behind them and slowly ushering the two to start walking. “Let’s just take it one step at a time. As much as we hate this, it’ll be over before we know it, and then we can resume our usual days.”

With that, the lights began to brighten as the three shuffled away from the seats, tossed their trash in the offered bin, and left the theater to rest in the concession area beyond the doors.

#Naruto #MST3k Style Riffing #MST #Fanfiction

[thetheatermst]

Hidan Beef Village Pt. 1

The Huntsman stood in front of the twin doors, one hand loosely holding the sheathed daggers hilt strapped on his hip, the other hanging at his side as he contemplated the choices before him. As he always did.

The main foyer of the theater was as grand as ever. Dark carpet, a red rug. Empty, lit by glass torches in the ceiling. The air was thick with the smell of butter and salt that wafted in from the counter holding food and drink. It was clean, paper buckets and cups stacked neatly, bags and boxes of treats organized, and everything perfectly fresh. Further down into a narrow corridor were two doors leading to the privy and a wash basin for both, and then directly behind him a tall, narrow door that led to the outside world.

Before him, however, was the door to the theater, where they would sit and watch and die inside.

This would mark the third tale they read.

Briar would be lying if he said that it did not still confuse him every time he stepped foot into the building.

The technology and magic, the people, the concepts that flooded his mind every time. It was all so different from his own world, so alien to him in every way possible. The unfamiliarity was intimidating. It left him uneasy, and unease was always the precursor to a bloody event. Unease was the feeling a Huntsman got when they sensed something wretched about.

Unease was a useful tool.

So what was it about this theater that caused that feeling? Was it the people? Were either of his companions going to spring forth in an attempt to kill him? Was it their mysterious host and benefactor who had some ill-wanted plans for them?

He could always turn back. There was no shame in that.

The last story had caused him to spend the week contemplating whether he would return or not. If he wished to continue to subject himself to this strange form of masochism. There was no enjoyment to be found when reading these stories, his only role was to be angry and disgusted, to rebuke the story and call out its many faults.

This place had no monsters, this place did nothing to aid in the never-ending hunt that he and his brethren swore their lives to. The only benefit that came from these weekly visits was coin.

There was no denying the extra coin was nice. The last two sessions had each given him approximately four hundred crowns. A sizable amount, enough to replace some gear that had long since reached the end of their life. He even had some left over to pay for a few weeks at a cheap tavern if he wished. Winter months were fast approaching, and the coin would be needed more than ever if he chose to remain in the hunt rather than return Tarrigan.

Winters were the bane of every Huntsman. Deep snow meant slower travel, and many monsters and beasts went into hiding during the season, making it harder to earn coin. Most of his brethren returned to Tarrigan until spring, to rest and recuperate, to prostrate before Lady Amara and the Great Huntsman, but Briar rarely did, he stayed in the kingdoms.

In just two sessions, he had made substantial coin, enough to ease his worries of surviving the cold season.

But coin alone didn’t justify such frivolities and risks. If coin was the sole motivator for him, then he’d forsake his vows and take jobs outside the hunt, he’d lend his blade as mercenary or soldier, take a knights pay from a lord who owed him favor, and there were many who had asked him to remain as a knight and guard after he saved them from whatever beast their foolishness had drawn

Coin was not a motivator for coming here.

There… was no motivator. There was nothing compelling Briar to come to this bizarre theater, nothing but… curiosity. The only thing drawing Briar to come back again and again, despite the danger he felt again and again, was simple curiosity. How funny. How…

Human.

That wasn’t something he had felt in a long time.

It wasn’t something people often used when describing him. For many reasons.

Maybe that was what compelled him. Coming here, spending a few hours once a week just reading a poorly written story, verbally tearing it apart with two companions whose presence he did not dislike, it made him feel human. More human than he had the right to see himself as.

If so, he didn’t think that was too bad of a reason.

He was sure that if Lady Amara knew, she’d only smile gently, run her fingers through his hair, and encourage him to continue, filling his chest with a familiar warmth as she promised him the Great Huntsman was by his side, even here, to guide him in whatever hunt he may find. That this was just as much a hunt just as his chasing and killing of monsters was.

Briar was sure if Merelith were here, she’d yell at him for hesitating, that this was the Great Unknown, that he was wasting a chance no one else was given to explore something no one else had seen, and to be paid handsomely to do so, too. Then she’d tell him how she would happily take his place in this experiment if he were too chickenshit to commit.

A part of him wished he could have had either one of them as his companion beyond the doors, but it was a wholly selfish want. Lady Amara was far too busy to be here, far too… above it all to subject herself to this torture, and Merelith… he didn’t know.

It didn’t matter. Asahi and Cherry were fine companions for this sort of occasion.

That is if they were still there. After the previous story, there was no guarantee that either of them would return. He would not blame them if they had no desire to continue with this experiment, it was a torturous affair, not something everyone could stomach. But… he would miss them if they were not here. His time with them was short, but Briar had gained something of a soft spot for the two.

Breathing in, slow and deep, he felt his hearts beating slow to a crawl. His hand let go of the dagger in favor of placing both upon the cool metal surface of the theater doors. Whatever came from this experiment, even if he were to be the only one there, he would be ready, and his unease bore fruit and a hunt must be called, he will stand ready to charge.

The doors opened.

Briar stepped inside, took a moment to adjust to the softer lighting of the theater, and saw the familiar rows of plush seats. His senses were assailed by various sweet and salty scents of snacks brought in from the concession stands. The screen was blank, and the table before it had a single letter as usual.

One more step in and the hairs on his neck rose, his ears twitched, picking up the faint sound of air being cut, the subtle shift in pressure.

In that instant, two things happened.

The first; Briar had snatched his dagger and pulled it from the sheath, reaching out and striking in a blur of motion.

The second; a white ball that had been hurtling towards him came to a sudden stop, impaled on the daggers dip as he had struck it mid-air.

“Whoa! Nice catch, Briar!” Cherry yelled from across the rows of seats, waving her arms to gain his attention. Asahi wasn’t too far off, standing between them both, sandwiched between rows of seats, and gave a polite nod, though his expression was one of discomfort.

Frowning, Briar lowered his knife and pulled the ball off, “Thank you?” he said, examining the hole he had left before throwing it back to Cherry. “What are you two doing?” Why would you choose to come back?

Asahi shrugged, making his way through the seats until he was free in the walkways. “You hadn’t shown up yet, so we were killing time with some catch. Her idea.”

“You should join us next time,” Cherry added loudly so they could hear, jogging down the walkway on the opposite side so she could meet the two by their usual seats in the front. “It’d be fun. I bet you have a crazy good throw.”

He did have a good throw, wasn’t going to deny that.

Snatching up the letter as she walked by, Cherry collapsed into her seat. “All right, whatcha think this one is gonna be? Better or worse than the last?”

“God, I hope it’s not worse,” Asahi groaned, hanging his head low, “I barely survived the story of Swansin.”

Briar nodded as he took his seat, turning just enough to watch Cherry and the letter she freely waved about in the air. Strangely enough, he noticed, the damage he had done to the seat was gone. Everything was in pristine condition, as if he had never destroyed the arm of his seat during the last session as a means to alleviate his anger. How… interesting. “If we just look at the two we’ve already done, then the quality has been on a steady decline,” he mused, crossing a leg over his knee. “Pray for the best, expect the worst.”

Nodding her head, Cherry tore the letter open, cleared her throat, and then loudly, in as pompous of a voice as she could manage, began reading out the letter.

Welcome back, dear friends. I am once again grateful for your continued participation in this experiment. I do hope the days since our last meeting have been kind to all of you and that you’ve come here in good spirits.

Asahi scoffed, “I don’t know, do they expect us to be jumping for joy to do this? I’m certainly not.” That got a chuckle from Cherry, and even Briar cracked a smile, agreeing with him on that.

We are branching off into a new fandom, one a bit different from the last two, but do not think that it will be any less inane, but still comedic. For us. Hopefully for you three, as well. It is good to look towards the bright side, after all, even with stories such as these you can find enjoyment.

The story we are reading today is from the Naruto franchise. You will be reading “Nareto: The Scret of Shiobi”, written by Rosehokagegirlx47. The exact publication date was lost as the original copy was destroyed, but another individual salvaged and preserved a copy in 2014.

I once again thank you and wish you a pleasant reading.

Crumpling up the paper, Cherry tossed it to the floor behind them and leaned back into her seat. “Ugh, that was a hard title to say, I don’t think I’m even pronouncin’ it right. Anyone else gettin’ a sense of deep dread already?” she asked them with a grimace twisting up her face. “Cause I’m feelin’ a lot of dread.”

Briar sighed, bringing a hand to his face and pushing his hair aside, “Dread, unease. Is there a difference?” he asked, and then shook his head. “Like our generous host has said, let’s try to look on the bright side. There might be an enjoyable character in this one.”

“Could be. Though I doubt any character this one spits at us is going to come close to Tanishashanqua the Cullen girls.”

“I’m gonna miss Tanishshanqua,” Cherry sighed, “Will not miss trying to say that mouthful of a name, though.”

Muttered agreements filled the air, and with that, the three got comfortable in their seats. The lights of the theater began to dim, the screen growing brighter, and before long, to their misery, the show had begun.

Chapter 1 Eter Emeraldia

Okayt this is mi story itis really good story plez reade!

***8*

“Look, we’ve read two of these already. You can’t lie to us and expect us to believe it’ll actually be good,” Asahi frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. “We’re too disillusioned to believe.”

NAruto was ayt Toad Mountan and so was Todd Godd. Todd Godd was speak to Naruyto

Briar frowned, reading the text over and over a couple of times before turning to his companions. “Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but; Gamamura is a Great Sage, he’s not a god, yes?” he asked, and then added, “Mount Myōboku, do they ever actually call it Toad Mountain?”

“Well…” Cherry began but cut herself off as she thought it over, her face furrowing into thought. “Ya know what? I think it gets called the Mountain of Bewilderment or somethin’, and also the Land of Toads. But I dunno, I don’t recall it ever being called Toad Mountain.”

Sighing, Asahi rolled his eyes. “Of course the Deus Ex Machina knowledge doesn’t pop up when he actually need it,” he complained, and then shrugged, “I guess that the name of a mountain doesn’t really quantify as important, but, still…”

 and he said “naruto, there is a ew prophey.

“An ‘Ew Prophecy’ sounds fitting for what we’re in for,” Asahi mused, lips twitching into a small grin.

I gave prochecy to you’re sensay Jiraya and this new one is about a kunoch in you’re vilage. She wil gilter like gold abnd is the onley one ho can defet the evil Madaira and Acatsuke.”

“Great,” Cherry scowled, drawing her feet up onto the seat so she could wrap her arms around her knees. “Barely toe deep in an’ we already have to deal with a freakin’ Mary Sue whose ‘gonna save the world’ or some crap!”

Briar frowned, fingers picking at the arm, tracing the damage that was not there. “Why is it that she is the only one who can defeat Madara?” he questioned, his frown deepening as he thought the idea over some more. “These sorts of things make it sound like the villain is truly immortal, and only this one child of prophecy can hurt them. It comes off as incredibly lazy and nonsensical writing wise. Immortality isn’t conditional like that.”

Reaching over, Asahi gave him a pat on the shoulder “It’s called the power of bullshit, Makiir.”

Naruito was shock but Toad God was alway right so he beleved him. Tank you Toad God said Naruto. I must find this Kunoki.

“Ya know what? I’m starting to dig this ‘Toad God’ idea. It’s a cool concept,” Cherry confessed with a satisfied nod, before fixing the screen with a glare. “I just ain’t thrilled about this Toad God in particular.”

Emeraldia Brightmoon was the moste beatiful grill in te Hided Leaf Villlage . Her hare was lick raibows and her eyes were emeralds, She was most pretty. Herr hair went down to her wast it wasso long and it wass bootiful.

Asahi rolled his eyes, “Of course she is, and of course her hair is rainbows of all things,” he muttered. “Last one was raven laden in gold, this one is straight up rainbows.”

“Her last name is Brightmoon,” Cherry added with a snicker, covering her mouth to try and muffle the laughter. “That makes her automatically gay, an’ associated with rainbows an’ sparkles. It’s the law.”

Shew as with the fire hocage Sue-Nadie/

Briar hummed, then sighed. “It took me far longer than it should have to realize she was talking about Tsunade,” he confessed with mild disappointment in himself. “For a moment I had genuinely thought there was a character she made named Sue Nadie.”

“It’s a weird enough name that it could happen,” Cherry offered.

‘Wee  0now you have oly ben at Ninje Academmy four own weeks, but yo are the beast ninji inn the village. “ say Sue. You will becom Gennine tomorrow,

Her eyes flickered back to the screen and Cherry groaned. “Why, of course she is ‘the best’. No need to make her go through the normal channels like every other student ‘round here. She’s gotta get special treatment,” Cherry complained and bent over, shaking her head. “I hate special treatment.”

and your sensi well be Mite Gay. Mite Gay is a god teach, because heis youthful.

Asahi’s lips quirked into a slight smile. “Might Guy is the best, and he deserves far better than Brightmoon for a student,” he stated.

“Agreed,” Cherry said, straightening up only to lean over and drop her weight onto his shoulder.

He at least didn’t shove her off, just giving her a slight whack on the head with his buttery hand—thanks to his popcorn—before continuing,. “Also, the homoeroticism between him and Kakashi is on point. So I can’t find myself to be upset that he’s here.”

You mastered every jitsue ever

“I can believe she’s mastered every Jujutsu,” Briar said, nodding his head. “There was only ever, what… three techniques…? Give or take, ever shown,” he said, then gave a languid shrug. “But if we count Juinjutsu, then she might know four or five in total.”

Cherry leaned forward; her brows furrowed. “Why the hell is Tsunade praisin’ her for masterin’ all the curse techniques?” she demanded, looking around for an answer that would never come. “That’s not really a good sign that the only thing she studied an’ learned were curse techniques. Girl can curse someone, but can’t do a basic clone jutsu? Lame.”

 and your are stronger and pretier than me

“Lies,” Asahi snapped. “Brightmoon is neither stronger nor prettier than her.”

Cherry gave a nod, “Tsunade is a pretty foxy lady.”

so i shold make you fire hokige, but everyone wood complain that you were to young to be fire hocige.

Sighing, Briar reached for his knife before stopping himself, there would likely be moments later that deserved such violence, so instead he dropped his hand onto his lap. “Young rulers is not uncommon, not in my world and I am certain not in the histories of yours,” he said, giving a nod to the other two. “Young rulers happen, often through tragedy, but it was never their age that brought ire and doom. It was the inexperience and naivete. They were more easily manipulated by those around them who had danced to the songs of political manipulations for decades. But younger rulers were also prone to abuse of power due to that same inexperience combined with the impulsive nature of youth.”

Tilting his head and regarding the screen with disdain, Briar continued, “That being said. She would make for a terrible Hokage regardless of her age.”

“Not true, said Nerutu. Gara become sand hokege at a young age and nobodies complained! I love Emeradlia and she shold be fir hokige!”

Cherry waved her hands at the screen in a confused gesture. “My sand boy is the Kazekage,” she said, and her lips twisted into a frown, “An’ he’s that cause of fuckin’ nepotism.”

“Okey, Ill ttire,” said Tsunami,

Dropping her hands back into her lap, Cherry opened her mouth to speak, but then thought better of it, frowning again and shrugging, “I was gonna make a joke there, but ‘Tsunami’ is too easy.”

Asahi nodded proudly, “We can exhibit self-restraint when we want.”

and she tired. But the damo was contolled by Danso and he wass evil, so he woodn’ letter.

“He’s not a good person, I won’t even pretend that he is,” Briar began. “But what he did just now? This is a rare, good thing from him.”

Asahi nodded again, “Blocking Brightmoon’s rise in political power? I can get behind that.”

Evone wass sad,

“No one was sad,” Asahi corrected.

 and Nerto kissed Emeraldia. Then she went hom.

Reeling back, Cherry’s face scrunched up as she groaned. “Gross.”

*******

Emeraldia took ofdf her shit and got in the shour. But Mit Gay was I the widow!!!!!!!!!!!1111111!!!11!!11!!!!!!1!!!1111111

“Pevert.” She yelled loudly at him. She throw a shuriken at him and he died!

Asahi scowled as he rose to his feet. “How dare you kill one of the best characters!” he yelled, pointing an accusatory finger at the screen. “Impulsively killing people? Fuck, this is Swansin all over again!”

“So much for being a part of his team. Now you’re a murderer,” Cherry said, crossing her arms over her chest as she stared at the screen, but then her body deflated and sagged forward with a sigh. “Too bad you ain’t gonna face any consequences for this.”

Emeradlia wass scared so she jump out the windown. Butt ouside their was a men in bkack cloths and with no fice, only blaekc!!!!!!!!

“I would say it’s the Akatsuki, but there’s been no mention of the iconic red clouds,” Briar mused as she idly twirled a jerky stick between her fingers, but after thinking it over a few moments longer, he shook his head. “Who am I kidding. It could still very well be the Akatsuki, and the author just couldn’t bother to make that clear.”

To b ec continue.

“Unfortunately,” Asahi muttered as he sat back down, drawing his drink and popcorn back onto his lap to angrily munch on.

(Wasn’t that exiting? a cliffhangar at the end of the first chapter! I dot think you cood rite that god a story!!!!!!111!!!1!!1)

Cherry shook her head, “I wrote a better story in the third grade,” she countered, “An it was an absolute piece of garbage about flyin’ monkeys. An’ despite all that, it was still a better story than this.”

Whi ar you flameing mee? I knever di anyting to you! Whu  wood i be jocking. Thiss is my awome stiry ans you al just jealice becasu you cint writ a god stiry lakw this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“They always act so surprised when their story is poorly received,” Asahi mused as he took a sip from his soda, “Do they expect everyone to fall to their knees, praising the author as the modern Sōseki?”

Briar shrugged. “It’s an unfortunate and severe case of delusion. They truly believe their works to be a gift of the Gods and cannot comprehend that it is anything less than divine,” he explained, and sighed, “I’ve met a few bards with this sort of mindset. It’s tiresome.”

Chaptr 2 The Spaciel Mision.

Cherry perked up immediately, “They gonna go to space?” she asked, clearly excited as she leaned forward, spiling a little of her own popcorn in the process. “Are they gonna throw her into space?”

“One can only hope,” Asahi muttered. “But knowing our luck, Brightmoon would bounce right on back if they did.”

Emeraldlia saew the figur and she scarred. “ho are yuou? She ask. Don be afrad he replie, I’m Dye.

He raised his head back to the screen and tilted his head. “What kind of dye?” Asahi asked. “Is he hair dye? Food dye? Fabric dye? The possibilities are rather endless.”

‘Im Mafairas brothwr he explain.madairys evil butt im not, im hiss rother Dye said.

Shrugging, Asahi leaned back into his seat and tossed a few pieces of popcorn into his mouth. “No idea who Mafaira is, and not quite sure why we care that he’s evil and Food Dye isn’t,” he said and shrugged again. “Not that we know for sure Clothes Dye isn’t evil.”

Cherry laughed at that, “He had to emphasize that he was the brother twice. He’s untrustworthy, an imposter.”

Sun-aidie has sent Dye to give Emeraldia a warnig message measage the nexr day Emeradlia woulld got a spacial mission . Emaradia was shock. A knew missio already//

“A mission that will be recalled when Sun-Aide learns that Brightmoon killed Might Guy,” Asahi pointed out, though his tone of voice made it clear he didn’t believe that would ever happen.

Cherry shook her head, “Spoiler alert; the mission is to kill her by sending her to space.”

Emeraldia was so si exitedx she ran home and fall right asleep.

“She was already home,” Briar pointed out, furrowing his brows in confusion. “She had jumped out her window and saw Dye immediately upon landing. She didn’t go anywhere.”

Asahi shook his head and reached out to pat Briar on his shoulder. “Do you really think the author is capable of remembering a detail like that?” he asked. “It was a chapter ago, far to long for such small braincells to retain any information.”

Sudendly an leopurd appeared!!!!!!!11!!!!!1!!!!!1111!!!

“Oh, no,” Cherry yelled out in the most monotonous form of ‘terror’ that was possible. “Not the randomly placed plot-device leopard. Whatever shall we do?”

It send by Danzho to kill Dye!!!!

Asahi nodded approvingly, “Is Danzo secretly the hero? Because he keeps doing things I approve.”

Briar, however, didn’t look so appreciative of the act. “Sending a leopard is inefficient,” he criticized. “If Danzo truly wanted her to die, then he would send skilled assassins or sellswords to do the job, not a wild animal.”

“No, no, no,” Cherry cut in, shaking her hear and twisting in her seat to look at him. “See, if he sent humans, then they’d just fall irrevocably in love with her, an’ it’d all be moot.”

 But Dye kill the leotard with his lasser .

Groaning, Asahi closed his eyes and hung his head, “Of course. Of course he would have a damn laser. Because, why not?”

“Look, there’s a lot of stuff I can ignore ‘bout Naruto, Laser’s aint one,” Cherry scowled.

Menwhale

“Manwhale, the most elusive and mysterious of whales,” Briar said with a hint of a smile.

Cherry, recovered from her previous outburst, added to the silliness. “Stories say that a singe menwhale can swallow an entire fleet whole!”

in other cowtree, the acutesushi wear planning to kill Emraldia!!!111!

Asahi hummed, and chuckled a little. “Huh. Even cute sushi want to kill her,” he commented, laughing a little more. “You know Brightmoon isn’t likable when food wants her dead.”

‘Go kill Emearaldia only she can kill us, ‘ said Pine, ladder of the evil. He sent Sauceri and Ted. Ted broked his jawe, but he didnt car he was evil.

Still chuckling, Asahi nodded to the screen. “And now we have our villains, or likely just a few of them. Pine, the notorious Ladder of Evil; the higher you climb him, the eviler you become. Sauceri who is most wasabi sauce, he just has that sort of vibe,” Asahi listed, his smirk growing more and more with each word. “And then, the worst and evilest of them all…”

“Ted.”

Cherry shook her head. “Fuck Ted, he’s awful, the kinda dude who’d kick a dog.”

The nwxt day Emeraldia was is class erly because she wass excite. “Emeraldai toady you becom a henin,” said R Teach as shi ate nudeles.

Briar frowned, “So it’s ‘Emeraldai Toady’ who has become a genin, not ‘Emeraldai Brightmoon’,” he listed, then gave a nod. “That makes sense. Toady is far more competent than her.”

Cherry sighed and slouched in her seat. “Anyone else tryin’ to wrap their minds ‘round the ‘nudeless’ that the teacher is eatin’?” she asked, looking to the boys. “Cause… does that count as cannibalism? I feel like it should. She’s eatin’ naked peeps.”

“I didn’t even consider that,” Asahi muttered, bringing a hand to his mouth.

 Emeradlia wood have ghugged R Teach, but she wasss noy a lescian.

He kept his hand there, covering the scowl he wore. “Can’t have a bad story without blatant homophobia,” he rolled his eyes. “It’s a staple for garbage.”

 Suddually Kakakshi was in R Teach’s deskle. “When Night Gay died I came.” Said Kashi.. “I will bee ypour sinsi.

“Is no one in this village questioning why he was dead outside her home?” he continued, “No one? Of course, not. They’re all useless.”

Cherry rolled her eyes and angrily sipped from her soda, “They can’t comprehend that their perfect angel mighta killed someone.”

“ow wow.” Said Emeradlia asnd she thanked KKKKKKash because she was the nikest persan in the Beef Village.

“Except for the time she murdered her team leader,” Cherry said, biting down on her straw.

Briar frowned and his eyes went back and forth over the text. “This reads as a serial killer pretending to be innocent,” he pointed out. “We know she killed Might Guy. But she insists she had nothing to do with it, it’s… I don’t know if it’s infuriating or impressive.”

Sudden Sakura was maid because Emeraldia was take her spot on Teem Sven.

His frown deepened, “Someone with medical expertise is irreplaceable,” the Huntsman said. “Only a fool abandons their doctor in favor of another soldier.”

“Well, we wouldn’t be reading this if the writer wasn’t an idiot,” Asahi pointed out.

“You okant have my spit,” she loudly yelled loudy. Ill fdight you four it!!!!!!!!

“Girl!” Cherry shouted, making a face of disgust. “No one wants your spit!”

(Wasssn’t that akesomw? Don’t make you wan t to read chaer 3? I’ll write it soon, but flaemres are evil and why do you ate me?)

“It certainly makes me want to stick my head in a microwave,” Asahi muttered, glaring at the screen. “But I’ll still read the next chapter since I’m getting paid to. Not like it can be any worse than the last story.”

Why do yo hat me and mi stoary??/? tere is nohing wrong with it!!!!11!!!!!!

Briar stared at the screen with pity. “It’s barely readable. That alone is a severe problem. No one wants to read a story they can’t read, and no one likes an author who can’t be bothered to fix these spelling mistakes.”

 Yuou saer jest tow stopid 6o reconaze a wok of geneius wen you see it!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!11!!!

Asahi groaned, “There’s the egomania.”

If you don’t like never reade or revew but if yo sucke so much yuo have to spent your time insalting otter peoples stories you are a loser!!!111!!!11!!!!!!!

“Ouch,” Cherry said with an exaggerated flinch. “I am so hurt. How will I ever recover?”

Aso there is know charater named Mary Sue so stop taking about herr!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!11!!!!11!!!!

Rolling his eyes, Asahi shifted in his seat, bringing one leg to cross the other, “If it looks like a fuck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck…” he said, and clapped his hands. “Congratulations. You have a duck.”

Aao, stoop sayig my story isnt serious, your crazy if you tank its suppoosed to be a fun story!!!!!!!!!!

“Well, the author is correct on one thing, this is far from a fun story,” Briar agreed, though he didn’t look impressed by it. “I’d much rather have my stomach torn open by a griffin again than to read this drivel.”

Cherry and Asahi both stared at him, clearly concerned by such a statement, but said nothing. It was probably better to not ask. Yet.

Chatre 3 Soccer’s Attic!!!!!

Turning her gaze from Briar to the screen, Cherry grinned a little. “Are we getting’ a soccer game?” she asked. “Cause, if so, I’m wipin’ off ten sins from this story. Though an attic is a pretty small space for the game.”

“Class” say R Teach, ‘Yo are aboot to see Emeraldia fite, and she iss the beast nija in the Hidan Beef Vilage, so wotch her and pick up sum fighting tip!!!!”

“That’s a lie. She only knows five-ish techniques,” Asahi argued with a frown. “She can’t possibly be the best ninja.”

Briar hummed, bringing a hand to his chin as he thought about it. “Well, we don’t know much about the Hidan Beef Village,” he pointed out. Their ninjas may be extraordinarily weak and incompetent, so much so that Emeraldia truly is the best of them.”

That only made Asahi scoff. “If that’s so, then that’s sad,” he muttered. “It’s called the Hidan Beef Village, it’d be an insult to Hidan if she’s the best.”

Sokera dres her katoona and attack ed Emeradlia with it!!!

Dragging a hand down his face, Asahi’s temper only flared. “She doesn’t use a katana.”

“But,” Cherry cut in, pointing a finger at him, “are we sure she doesn’t have a katoona?”

But Emeraldia was fastered than Sokir, so shi dodged it easiness. Sokera was so made at Emeradlai tat she use Punch Jushu on the gtround..

It created a whole in the flour

Briar raised a brow, “It’s flour, fairly easy to make a hole in it.”

“Nah,” Asahi shook his head, “for her this is the hardest thing to do.”

 and Emeralida fell in because she was tired (AN: Emeraldia isnot week, she just had to fihgt six hundread seventy ate joenine on her weigh to shool.)

Snickering, Cherry gave a nod of her head. “Sure, Jan,” she said. “Whatever makes ya sleep better at night.”

Sacurry said, “Who do you lick this?”” ad throw a loin into the pit!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, no,” Asahi frowned. “Anything but a loin.”

Briar clicked his tongue in distaste. “She probably cut it off from Might Guy.”

“Noooo. That makes it worse!”

The loin tryed to eat Emeradlia but she dogged it.

Earyone accept Soccer gapped because they ale loved Emeradlai evan the girls!! The lino relized it had ben aboot to heart Emeraldia and shi wasp to bountiful to die.

Both Cherry and Asahi groaned at the ‘too beautiful to die’ line, for how, well, stupid of a concept it was.

“How is it that the ‘heroes’ of these stories get more an’ more annoyin’?” Cherry asked, slumping over, and resting her head on Asahi’s shoulder. “It should be illegal to be this awful!”

Asahi hummed and patted her on the head, “It should, but alas, it’s not.”

Emeradlia threw a FUR ball at Socora and shi fell ito the pit, defeted. Eryone excapt Soccera cheered because Emeradlia had win and got to be a pat of Tim Kakosh.

Briar hummed, “It’s a shame that ‘Soccera’ lost her spot on ‘Tim Kakosh’s’ team,” he said in a measured tone. “But at least Sakura remains a part of Team Kakashi.”

“A silver lining,” Asahi agreed.

Narito hugged Emeraldia and they kisseed. R Teach and Kashi hugged and Kashi tanked R Teach for gettig him the bestest tem ever.

“So,” Cherry began, pulling herself off of Asahi to narrow her eyes at the screen, “does this teacher have a name? Or are they just R forever?”

The boys didn’t answer, the answer was obvious enough that a verbal one wasn’t needed, which only made them all feel worse. But, alas, what could they do? Besides, the one who got the short stick was Teacher R in the end.

R Teach give earyone the die off so they cold part! Y Teach come in and he said to Emerwaldia ‘Ween I herd you were a gunin I came Sweet Madden.”

Cherry frowned, and shook her head. “Tryin’ to understand any of that is just makin’ my brain hurt,” she groaned, massaging her temples. “First R, now we have a Y? Plus, a Sweet Madden? What is even going on?”

“It’s better not to think too hard on it,” Asahi shrugged. “Everything being spouted is nonsense and bullshit.”

Sukra stand up ad say, “I heat you ad I will goin Catsky becasue Im evile now!!!!!1111!!!!111!!!” Sak run off.

Asahi raised a brow, looking more disappointed than anything. “Telling everyone your plans? That’s smart.”

“I’m sure the CatSky is better than the Hidan Beef Village for her,” the Huntsman mused, and then gave a languid shrug. “It’s name is certainly more amusing.”

Sakra crushed into X Teach and the too girls locked at each otter.. Sakra jupped out the widow instead.

Cherry groaned, “A third teacher?” she demanded. “Who’s gonna be next? Z?”

J Teach com in

Immediately, she retracted her complaint with an understanding nod. “Sorry, my mistake.”

 with Jerrya who wast her boyfiend.

Tom Kakash decide to get remean to cellbait, butt Neruto had to teach Kohonamura and Butter Kid a new juice, so he didn’t goo.

“I pity the kid whose parents named them ‘Butter Kid’,” Asahi said, sighing and shaking his head.

Cherry shrugged, “At least they’re gettin’ taught to make juice,” she offered. “Almost makes up for the name, right?”

“No. It doesn’t.”

So R Teach, X Teach J TeAch, Y Teach, Dye Say Cookash and Emeradlia wet to the ramoon store.

“But not Tom Kakash,” Briar said with a pitying shake of his head. “There wasn’t enough room after Dye Say Cookash wanted to join.”

Emeraldia saiyed “I loove you tow everyown she saw becos she was soo niece.”\\

Asahi tapped his foot against the floor, thinking the story over. “You know? Maybe she is nice compared to the others,” he suggested, with some reluctance. “Maybe the village standard for kindness is just that low.”

“Well, Soccera attacked her over a position on Tom Kakash’s team… so yeah, everyone actually being jackasses probs tracks,” Chery agreed.

They wet into the ship to got remen.

“Talk about fancy ‘remen’,” Cherry snorted. “Never heard of needin’ to go into a ship to get some.”

Asahi frowned, “I’ll stick to ramen, I think.”

 Emeradlia orded Prok Needle Ramen, and she gott it for fee because the oner loved hear.

“I kill monsters and save settlements regularly,” Briar pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at the screen with a bit of bitterness in his gaze. “I don’t even get the kindness of a discount at an inn after saving the innkeepers child. But she gets free food? Simply for existing?”

His expression soured. “I think I’m jealous, and I hate that I’m jealous of her.”

Emeradlia was aboot to take suum ramen when sudeadly Sausori come out of her noodles!!!!!111!!!!111!!!!

“Truly living up to his sauce heritage,” Asahi said with an approving nod. “I suppose I was wrong; he was actually soy sauce.”

Cherry, however, began cackling, “I completely underestimated how tiny the dude was,” she laughed, holding her stomach as she bent over. “He came outta her bowl of remen? Either that’s a big fuckin’ bowl, or he’s tiny as a fly!”

Her laughter was contagious as even Asahi’s lips quirked up and he let out a soft chuckle.

To be continue…

(Know that wass a god story!!!! You coodn’t wrate somefing that goood so step hating me!!!!!111!!!)

Expression schooled back into a frown, Asahi narrowed his eyes at the writing. “I feel challenged.”

Brar nodded, “You should write something, just to spite her with it’s quality.”

Bloom-kun!!! God to sea a my best fiend!!! I fogot yuo sory butt Ill putt you in later!!!!

At that, the Huntsman turned his gaze from Asahi to the screen, “You must not be that good of a friend if she was forgotten so easily.”

Fleamers stope fleaming me I nevver  deed anytogue to you so shut up!!!111!! If you doont lick my store don’t red it!!!!!!!!!

Cherry made a helpless gesture, looking from the screen to the boys and back again, “I mean, valid. Don’t like, don’t read. Wise words,” she conceded, earning grumbled agreements from the others.

 Asso, their is no chartater named Mary Sue, so really donut fleam me abot her!!!!!! And I’m knit a troll, I don’t ate goats!!!!

Briar hummed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin upon his folded hands. “Trolls are useful fellows, so long as you pay their tolls and not go needlessly aggravating them,” he began, briefly glancing to his companions from the corner of his eyes. “They maintain bridges and lesser beasts tend to stay away, not wanting to encroach on it’s territory. Though they make the hunt difficult, they are good for settlements.”

A paused washed over them, and then Briar leaned back, relaxing in his seat, “The goat thing is a bit of a misconception, however. They’ll eat any meat. Humans included if you bother them. Goats and cattle are simply the easiest thing to gift a troll so that it doesn’t become a menace.”

Cherry stared at him with an owlish expression. “One of these days, I’mma get ya to write everything you know about monsters down, cause your world sounds so fuckin’ cool.”

Chaptear Foor The War In The Dessert!

Moving on from the topic of trolls and monsters, Asahi raised a brow at the sudden mention of dessert, though he had to mentally correct himself that it was ‘desert’ and not ice cream and pie. “They’re in the desert now? I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised,” he muttered.

But then a thought struck, and he quickly snapped his gaze back to the screen with a confused, bordering frustrated, expression. “Hold on a moment. Where in the timeline does this story even take place?” he asked, leaning forward to hold up his hands, raising and lowering them like an unbalanced scale. “Is this the first half, and she’s the same age as Naruto? Or does this take place in the second half, where, because she just graduated to a genin for bullshit reasons, she’s now two or three years younger than him?”

He threw his hands into his hair, “No, this has to be in the second half, in Shippuden, because Tsunade is the Hokage. But then—she just got placed on Kakashi’s team, so it has to be the first half.” He was tugging at his hair now in much the same way Cherry always did. “Is she younger than Naruto? If that’s the case, then why the hell is Naruto, a teenager dating a kissing year old? But everything that went down with Sakura--”

Cherry reached over and patted him on the arm before gently prying his hands from his head, “There, there,” she soothed, pulling him down so his head was against her shoulder, “If you think too hard, you’ll find yourself goin’ insane. So just relaxe.”

“Impossible to do here,” Asahi grumbled into her shoulder.

That only got her to laugh, “Fair enough. For now, just breathe.”

“Oh noe Sasouri!!!” yelled Shock Emeradlia.

Briar, who had been watching the mini-meltdown and the subsequent calming, turned his attention back to the screen. “Does she just magically know who he is?” he asked, then shook his head, “No, don’t question it.”

Kokoko shooted litening at Sosori, but he not die. “Im invisible so you cont kill me!” laghed Sasor.

“Who’s Kokoko supposed to be?” Cherry asked, letting Asahi go so he could settle back into his own chair.

Asahi huffed, “Someone we don’t like.”

Sasour’s pupete shot a lazar at Emeradlia. Emeraldia backflapped out of the weigh. “Way are you treeing to kill me?” she asked Sasasa.

“Because you are an affront to nature,” Briar explained.

“Hahahahaha, laved Sasor.

Saso throw a rack at Emerad but she jumped out of the way a gaid it hit thw raman man killing hime!!!!!

“Rocks are a deceptively useful weapon,” Asahi commented lightly. “Hit someone with just the right amount of force and just the right spot of the head, and it can, in fact, be an instant kill.”

Cherry grimaced and shoved him, “Don’t say that. Ugh, the idea that you can just,” she waved her hands in a meaningless, but frantic, gesture, “by rocks? It makes me so uncomfortable

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Mr. Noodles!!!!!” yelled J Teach.

“Obviously you didn’t care that much if you didn’t know Teuchi’s name,” Briar mused, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared at the screen, challenging the writer to prove him wrong.

She was frighten scared. X Teach leaped up and throw a showerikun at Saoso, falling Sasorion ito bolling hot r men.

Cherry hummed, “Fallin’ into a pile of hot men doesn’t sound so bad,” she said, tapping her chin. “I certainly know I wouldn’t mind fallin’ into hot men.”

“I can see the appeal of it,” Briar agreed, followed by a slight shake of his head, “But that’s not for me.”

It kburner his head. Ooooow say Sas.

The loin form befor tickled Saso and he fall oer.

Asahi rolled his eyes, “Ah, Might Guy’s loin has returned to fight another day.”

“Not even death will stop him,” Cherry added with her trademark cackle of a laugh, “his loin will continue the fight that the rest of his body cannot.”

“The tim is right!!!!!!11!” yeilled Emeraldia and kocked Soso ito the oven. Den she use exploud no jutsu and destiy him.

Briar scowled a little, “I hate everything about her jutsus.” The others said nothing, though they agreed with him

“You kalled Saduri!!!” say R Teach, glad.

“It’s a shame Saduri had to go, but at least Sauceri is still around,” Cherry said, looking at her nails. “You just can’t kill the sauce.”

“Emeraldia smelled at the lino. “You safed me she sad. I’ll cill you Jeff.

Jeff wasp happy he wass Emeradlia’s loin, she wass bountiful.

“I mist tulk with Gara the Sind Hokedge,” said Emereldi.

Cherry frowned and did a slight circulur motion with her fingers, as if asking the write to continue that thought, not that it gave any results. “But, why?” she asked instead. “Why ya gotta talk to best boy? What reason could you have to go to a new nation and talk to their Kazekage?”

There was a beat of silence, as if she had been waiting for an answer before she spoke up again. “You got none,” she accused, though was it really an accusation when it was true? “You don’t know or want to connect plot points in a natural way, you’re just jumpin’ from A to B like a kid seein’ how many steps they can bypass goin’ up an’ down stairs.”

Than Osher Bosher wooked inn. “Will you go out witho me Emeradio.” Osher Bosher ask.?

“Okay, everyone, time to go home. The game is over,” Asahi called out, rising to his feet, and clapping his hands. “There is nothing anyone can do to surpass the name ‘Osher Bosher’.”

“I don’t have tim,” said Emeraldia, pashing Osher Bosher awee.

Suddually on the nows it said, “Maito Gay found dead.”

“We know,” Briar deadpanned as Might Guy was revealed to be dead… for the umpteenth time. “Tim Kakosh announced it to the class just before her fight with Soccera. Even before that, we saw the girl killing him. We know he is dead.”

Cherry nodded, making a flippant gesture with her hand, “Old news. Find something recent to talk about!”

That’s horribull” say Emeradlia, I wooder whom did it.

“I’d say she was smart in how she’s managed to keep suspicion off her by playing dumb,” Asahi began with a hint of pride, but that soured immediately as his gaze hardened. “But we all know she’s not playing. Brightmoon genuinely forgot she murdered him at her own home.”

Then Narunto sho. “I’ll take you to my rival Gary!” he saif.

His annoyance did an immediate 180 into confusion. “Uh, excuse-a-what?”

While he was just confused by it, Cherry appeared to be having a ball with this sudden change in development. “Even in different universes, Gary is still the rival!”

**************888**

Nareto and Emeradiant arrided at the Hidig Band Village. “This dessert is hoetter than the Beef Village” say Emberald.

“A village of bards?” Briar asked with narrowed eyes and a hint of dread in his voice. “Pray they are not obnoxiously annoying.”

Naru wet to a weopawn ship, ad Emeradiant wet to sea the Sand King Gore.

“Personally, I wouldn’t want to go to someone named ‘The Sand King Gore’,” Cherry said with a shrug. “But maybe I’m just built different.”

Emeraldia gott to the Sand Cattle, were the gards wear Tamori and Brown Boris. Brown Boris wasp biusy vommiting an egg. The egg hatced ito a phonics and fly oof. It www.as fire.

“So, his brother got replaced by some man named Boris, who throws up phoenix eggs?” Asahi repeated, waiting for a breath of silence, before hunching over, “I hate everything about this.”

“Emeradlia!” said Tombar becuse thy were fiends.

I ned to say Gaor! Say Emeradlia.

“Okey yur nice” said Tomato and shi open the get.

****

Emberadio was in Gar Throne Room 7.

“You know someone is important when they have numerous throne rooms,” Briar said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. “A true sign of power.”

 Garry was in thr trone with a hat. It was green.

“I see Oak had a wardrobe mix-up with Ketchum,” Asahi mused as he read it, “He really should give him back his hat.”

‘Sassso of the rad band attacked the beef!” yelled Emeroad.

“Wut?” ask Garo.

Cherry shrugged, “Honestly? I’d be going ‘what’ too, if someone just barged in screamin’ someone of a rad band attacked some beef,” she pointed out. “It’s a really weird thing to say.”

“Cotoll your ninjeds!!!!!!” yelled Emeradiance!!!!!!!!

“First of all, Sasori isn’t part of this village anymore, he’s rogue, he does not follow the Kazekage’s orders,” Briar said, holding up one finger and then slowly adding a second to the mix. “Second? Not an intelligent move to yell at a ruler within his own castle. Many would imprison her for such disrespect, others would kill her for it.”

“I hope it’s the latter, but I know that won’t happen,” Asahi sighed.

Gar stood up.

Emeraldia thow a watear at hime.

Gario washed awey becost he wast maid of dirt.

Asahi narrowed his eyes as he stared at the screen. “I’ve cracked the code,” he declared. “Brightmoon is a serial killer. This is a mystery thriller following the perspective of a murderer.”

“That explains so much,” Cherry muttered.

Emeradlia collooped eon the groud after soch a log fit.

“Emeraldio you kill my brother I KILLEY YOU!!!” Kankuro wooked inn.

Butt Emerad was two-tiered to fiht. Wast thas the end forr Emeradlia?????

“She has just killed the Kazekage, it’s only right that she be executed for it. Not only that, but think of the absolute political mess she’s started between the two villages, and the potential war she may have triggered by her actions,” Briar said, leaning forward and folding his hands together. It would have been an interesting story if the fallout actually happened, but… “Unfortunately, consequences mean nothing.”

Tobi cotinue .. .

(Watt whale hippen to Emweraldia?? Tone in next tim to fund out!!!!)

“I know what I want to happen to her,” Asahi muttered, before sagging in resignation, “But I know it will never happen. Too much plot armor.”

Stoop floming my starry you idoots!!!!!!111!!!! Add why do yow still see therr iss a charter nommed Mary Sue???????

“With how many names you keep rotatin’ through, I wouldn’t be surprised if you try to slip in a Mary Sue all discreetly,” Cherry mused.

If you dike like, doon red. But my store is goood so yill be massing iout!

Asahi ran a hand through his hair and dwn his face, “It’s not even good for kindling, let alone for reading,” he pointed out. “I had to be paid to read this.”

Chapitro Fiv Sinnoh Apair

Emeraldia lie on the trone room flour ass Klankuro run forword to stoke her.

“DIE!!!” yell Kaniko-

“As she deserves,” Briar muttered.

The other two nodded in agreement

“No- sti[“ say Emeradlia b ut evan thou she was kawaii, no Kankiur stiopping.

Thin biggs grapped Klakn. It wasp Shonop!!!!! “Yow will newt heart Emeradlia!” yell Shinooo!

Asahi frowned, “…Who?” he asked.

“Come on, Asahi, keep up,” Cherry chuckled, patting him on the back. “It’s Shopop Shinooo. Boyfriend numero three. It’s pretty self-explanatory.”

Sheo kick Klank out of the trombone room. “Wow shin, you stronge!!!” Emeraldia.

“Bite yoai are strongerest!” say Shint. “Yow bet Gario!”

“Yaoi?” Cherry asked innocently, then laughed and shook her head. “Thanks, but no. I prefer fluff between girls.”

“I deed bet Mario boat ypou bet Klank!”

“Even Mario is here?” Asahi asked with a hint of frustration and confusion.

Cherry smirked and bumped her shoulder against him, “Our lovable Italian plumber went to the wrong castle tryin’ to rescue Peach, again,” she explained. “He’ll kick some but an’ move on.”

Whateever, let go hom.

“I wish I could,” Asahi shook his head.

“Mood,” Cherry agreed, and then shrugged. “But money is one hell of a chain.”

*********

They tarvekled ham throw the land of Gi Kingdom. The staeyed in Prince Gecko’s palice.

Wed they gott to the hide life ville, Shi and Emeradlia has a longue meningfeel ember. They kiss.

Clapping her hands together, Cherry gestured to the screen with a victorious expression, “Called it,” she declared. “He’s boyfriend number two! Poor Naruto, lost his girlfriend while he was lookin’ to buy weapons on a ship.”

“You were wrong, actually,” Asahi said with a soft grin.

“What?”

He shrugged and leaned back in his seat and closing his eyes as he spoke, looking relaxed and casual. “You said the guy was boyfriend number three,” he explained, cracking open an eye to look at her, “As we can see, he’s actually the second boyfriend. Ergo; you were wrong.”

Cherry stared at him for a few moments, processing, before her hands snapped to her face and she clutched her head. “Shit!” she yelled, so loud that even Briar gave a startled flinch, “You’re right. I said the third—why did I say third? She didn’t even have a second, yet!”

Unable to contain his laughter, Asahi shook his head and just gave her a placating pat on the back to calm her back down before she started tugging on her pigtails.

Swhion good bye/.

Shocking, Danzoo appear!!!!

“Frighteningly, a dragon showed up and ate Danzoo, because she was too beautiful to be hurt,” Briar continued in a monotonous drawl. “Then she ran back to the Hidan Beef Village and was made the new Hokage as a reward for her beauty.”

Asahi shook his head as he removed his hand from Cherry, “It’s sad how that fits in perfectly.”

“Emeradlia too mini tims wou’ve intarfarred with my evill planes!” he yell. “I KILL YOU!!!”

After taking in a series of breaths, Cherry shook her head, “How did she interfere with any evil plans?” she asked. “All she has done was murder three people and eat ramen, how does that interfere with your plans?”

“His plan involved destroying the ramen business,” Asahi explained. “Brightmoon eating ramen from Teuchi’s shop gave business, throwing a wrench in Danzo’s plan to drive him out.” It was an easy reasoning to make because it was just as asinine and illogical as the rest of the story. A ridiculous and stupid motive fit right in with an equally ridiculous story.

“O h mo!” shocked Emeraldia!

Danzo chased herr aweigh! He chised her to the Tennnis Karts. Their, Y Teach and Butter wear paying ten.

Briar frowned in confusion. “They have tennis, there?” he asked, tilting his head to the side as he tried to sort out all the strange little details. “Interesting thing to drag in.”

But Emeradlia asso saw SOSUKIE FIHTING HAS ANVIL BROTH ATTACH!!!!!!!!!!

To continue….

“An’ on the right court, we have Teacher Y an’ Butter Kid in a heated battle for the long-awaited rematch!” Cherry announced, standing up on her seat, holding an imaginary microphone to her mouth as she held her free hand out to the screen. “An’ not to be outdone, on the left court we have the last of the Uchiha’s, the estranged brothers themselves, Sasuke and Itachi, dukin’ it out! Could this be the end to the battle between brothers? Find out next time, on Tennis Masters!”

Briar and Asahi clapped as she gestured to another empty space in the theater, both smiling somewhat at her antics as the lights of the theaters lowly turned on, going from darkness to a soft dimness as it came time to take a break.

“I’ll be honest, a tennis match sounds infinitely more interesting than whatever Brightmoon is doing,” Asahi confessed with a languid shrug. “So far she’s nothing but infuriating and has no discernable personality.”

“At least Rebecca had a personality, annoying and awful as it was,” Briar agreed, though his face twisted into a cringe at the memory of their previous protagonist and the trauma they faced reading that story. “So far this has just been a long, headache-inducing mess. I still don’t even understand what the plot is.”

Jumping from her seat, Cherry let out a bark of laughter, pigtails twirling in the air as she spun on her heels to look at them. “Plot? What plot? The closest this story has to a plot has been the murder of Might Guy, and now of Gaara, and even that is only relevant for a couple of sentences before it’s forgotten.”

“Not like it’s anything new,” Asahi added, standing up and slowly stretching, first his legs, pushing himself up on his toes and stretching out the muscles of his calves and the tendons in his knees, and then to raise his hands high into the air to stretch out his back and arms. He groaned as his body relaxed, and he looked up at Cherry. “I can tell you this now; she’s going to fight and defeat the Akatsuki without any actual difficulty, and if there is difficulty, one of the boys in her upcoming harem will come to the rescue, but she will take all the credit. She will fight Sakura again since she’s gone to join the Akatsuki, probably kill her, her harem will expand—Sasuke and or Itachi likely included, possibly both—she’ll defeat Orochimaru who will be even more of a creep with heavier pedophilic undertones than the show gave him, and then she will fulfill this magical destiny Toad God talked about in chapter one about defeating Madara. Might unlock some kind of god-like power along the way, and there’s a high potential she’s going to have a ‘my parents were murdered’ tragic background while later revealing she’s related to someone really important and powerful.”

He had held up a hand as he spoke, raising a finger for each plot point he predicted.

Hand to his chin, Briar nodded. “Those seem like sound predictions. From what we’ve experienced so far, I can see these happening.”

“Wanna make it a wager?”

Both boys looked up at Cherry as she said that, her grin turning wicked as walked over to them, moving to lean against the table their host always left the letters for them on. Her gaze did not leave the boys. “We’re supposed to have some kind of fun here, so let’s make this fun. Let’s make your prediction into a friendly wager.”

 she got back up and came to sit upon the table that the letters were always left on, her gaze not leaving them. “We’re supposed to have fun with this, so let’s have fun with this. Let’s make your predictions a friendly wager.”

A long pause filled the air, Asahi watching her, contemplating, weighing the pros and cons, the risks, the benefits. He was confident in his predictions, but was he confident enough to make a bet on it? With Cherry?

The seconds ticked on and then a smile crept across his face. “Okay, I’m game,” he agreed. “What’s the stakes?”

“If I win, I get something you brought today. If you win, you get something I brought.”

“Sounds risky,” he raised an eyebrow, looking her up and down, glancing to her bag under her seat, and then to his own. They both brought their own medium of entertainment to pass the time before these sessions began. He had his books. She brought games and her skateboard.

There was an idea.

He pointed at her bag, “If I win, I get your Switch and whatever game is in it right now,” Asahi said, staking his claim on the handheld console just poking out from an open flap in her bag.

The shock and offense on her face was kind of funny, considering this was her idea she didn’t really get a right to be upset by what was at stake. “Okay, if that’s how ya wanna play it,” Cherry said, getting off the desk to go to his bag. He let her kneel down in front of it, let her rummage through his belongings until she found something of interest and pulled it out with a little victorious cry. “If I win then I get this book!”

Eyebrow raised, Asahi looked at the familiar, worn cover of Murakami Haruki’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. He’d hate to lose it, it was a good book, but he was sure he’d win this bet so what did it matter? “I didn’t take you for one who’d be interested in reading, but can you even read tatekagi?”

Cherry frowned as she looked at the book and then back at him. “What’s tatekagi?” she asked, furrowing her brows at the foreign word.

He nodded back to the book, “It’s how the novel is written. All vertical. Top to bottom, right to left,” Asahi explained, watching as she opened the book to a random page, eyes scanning over the text. “I mean, clearly you can read yokogaki, but tatekagi can pretty difficult to adjust to.”

Cherry looked back up at him, that confusion only deepening. “Yeah, no you’re not makin’ any sense,” she confessed, looking to Briar as if he would have answers, though he only shook his head, offering no advice. “What do you mean I can read yokogaki? What even is that?”

Was she joking? Asahi felt like she had to be joking, but she didn’t look like she was joking, which made it all the more confusing. “Yokogaki… modern Japanese written horizontally,” he said slowly, gesturing to the screen. “We’ve been reading these stories in yokogaki format, hiragana and katakana on the screen.”

“No,” Cherry said slowly, eyes not leaving his. “These stories have been in English, really fuckin’ butchered English, but English all the same,” she corrected, uncertain, and clearly frustrated.

They stared at each other for a few moments before dropping to their bags, rummaging through for paper and pen before getting to work, both nervous and confused, with Briar standing over them in silence. Asahi tore out a sheet and in large characters, wrote out two different words in katakana and hiragana. ツナミ and すみません.

Cherry had finished writing hers as well. They stared at each other for a long moment before exchanging pages and stared at them.

A few stressful moments passed before Cherry spoke up. “Did you pick ‘Tsunami’ because of Tsunade?” she asked with a wary frown. “’Excuse me’ was fairly random, though.”

He swallowed hard and stared down at hers with a furrowed brow. “I was stressed, it was the first words that came to mind. Yours isn’t much better. Skateboard? It’s sloppy handwriting, but this is clearly katakana!” he said, turning the page to face her again so she could see スケートボード written down.

“That’s perfect English!” Cherry argued.

Before Asahi could counter, Briar stepped forward and took both papers from them, staring at them and then at the two, with an impassive look in his violet eyes. “Have you considered,” he began, the warmth from earlier drained, something empty and dangerously calm instead was before them that forced both teens to stay silent in fear of what would happen if they spoke up unprompted. “That this is the result of the same magic that brought us here? That the spell allowing us to understand the other’s tongue as or own is letting us read what’s written in our own language as well?”

It… made sense, and Asahi felt embarrassed to have not consider it. It had been three weeks, and not once had he considered what sort of magic the theater was using to allow them to be here, to understand each other. They were from different nations, different worlds¸ it made sense magic would be used so they could understand the other.

“I suppose you’re right. Magic makes a lot of sense,” he conceded.

Cherry sighed as well, scratching the back of her head. “Sorry about that. I guess all that stress has got us worked up,” she apologized, pushing herself back to her feet and holding out a hand to Asahi.

He took it.

Pulling him to his feet, Cherry offered him back his book. “Let’s get our refreshments and unwind. Longer we stay in here, the more irritable we’re bound to become.”

“Agreed,” Asahi nodded, letting go of her hand to put his book on his seat and squeeze past them both. He needed some sweets to deal with this, to help him get his mind off the weird magics of the place. It was already crazy in here; he didn’t need to add more to his headaches. 

“The bet’s still on, though.”

“Oh? Then you had best prepare yourself to say goodbye to your switch.”

“I should say the same to you about your book. I dunno what the Bird Chronicle is, but that book is mine after today!”

#Naruto #Fanfiction #MST3k Style Riffing #MST

[thetheatermst]

Fuck’s High School Pt. 4

As their break ended, the three were sprawled on their seats, restocked treats beside them, the air filled with chatter.

Cherry was lounged halfway into Asahi’s lap, his fingers massaging her scalp to help soothe the self-inflicted pain as he in turn chatted with Briar over various bits of literature. It had been about twenty minutes since they had stopped to rest and recover, and as usual, they weren’t especially keen to return to the fray.

But they were on chapter thirty-two out of thirty-six…

“Let’s make this our last,” Briar decided, settling back into her seat as the lights began to dim. “We have five chapters left to read. We can power through this.”

Asahi groaned and carefully pushed Cherry off of him, “We can, but… it’s just so tiring trying to read this. Five chapters might not seem like a lot, but it is. Especially when it’s this.”

Cherry reached over to ruffle his hair, “It’s okay. We’re gonna be done with this, then we can forget it ever existed. Alcohol helps.”

To that, he swatted her hand aside and affixed her with a glare. “No. You are not drinking. We’re not drinking. The only one in this group drinking is Makiir.” He chastised, frowning at her.

Instead of being embarrassed, Cherry just chuckled, holding her hands up in surrender. “I’m just jokin’ around,” she said, grinning widely. “No need to get your panties in a twist, Asahi. I’m not dumb enough to drink while sixteen.”

Everyone settled into their seats, watching with dismay and disdain as the light began to glow and the text settled into place.

chapter 32 - prom

It was the nite of the prom Anya Serkades and Chardley were all dead, angela was on the moon and rossey was in hell so for now all my problems wer solved.

“Esme is at least still around,” Asahi sighed, knowing full well that she wouldn’t be around for much longer.

 Jacub showed up to the dor in a fucking sexy Indian outfit with only his you know what covered because that's what the indiens wore before we cockenered them.

Cherry made a face, “That sounds kinda racist.”

“It is racist,” Asahi confirmed. “Though at this point, are we even surprised?”

Alice was also wearing something

Briar shook her head, “I would hope she was wearing something if she’s going to a dance. Showing up naked would not be well received.”

Edward had a suit on becauses hes an old school boy and jasmine was earing and Tanishashanqua was there too wearing stuff but not sa mine nice because she's a poor fucker.

“Once chapter,” Asahi groaned, burying his face in his hands. “For just one chapter can you be nice to your ‘friends’?”

“Ya know being nice is like… the one thing she can’t be,” Cherry said, shaking her head, “She’s allergic to empathy and basic kindness.”

We also had our instruments so that we could make a band at the dance because were going to play when we get there for the entire school.

"Wait Rebecca was what about esme?" Jacob opened his mouth and said.

“As opposed to when he talks with his mouth shut,” Cherry said, “He’s pretty talented at talking with a closed mouth.”

“Kid should think of going into ventriloquism when he’s older,” Asahi hummed. “Could make a killing with that kind of skill.”

"do not worry I have a plan" I told him winking but no blinking because blinking is for emus.

“Everyone blinks,” Briar said, her eye twitching at the absurdity of the line. ‘Blinking is for emos’, did this woman not understand that blinking was a normal, reflexive thing the body did to protect they eyes? Probably. Rebecca Swansin had repeatedly shown minimal intelligence time and time again.

“I’m gonna blink even more now, just to piss her off,” Cherry said, purposely blinking one eye at a time in a rather jarring manner.

Asahi shoved her, “Please, stop doing that.”

 Anyways I rode Jacob all the way there and then got off when we got there. I also brought all of the instruments for our band its called "Opposite feelings give double abstinency" and its about how Judah rocks and how we will speed his world to the word.

“So basically Christian Rock,” Cherry said, and shrugged. “I’ve got no problem with that. So long as it’s got a beat I can jam to, an’ the singing doesn’t sound awful tonal-wise, I don’t really care what genre the music is.”

“What I find infuriating is that they are just oh-so-conveniently in a band, and the school just allowed a live performance for some reason,” Asahi muttered. “This isn’t something you just throw in. You should have made mentions of your band beforehand, bring up practice, talk about how your band got asked to participate in prom—why can’t you be a decent writer? Why?”

When we got ther the dance was full all of the surviving students wer there.

“Of course they are, the dance is mandatory,” Asahi reminded, still trying to calm himself back down. “Though considering all the crap they went through these last couple of days, they deserve a night of dancing and partying.”

Jacub was my date so I was going to paes religion class like Aro wanted

“I don’t know how Jacob has anything to do with you passin, an’ I don’t get why you care about passin’ after what Aro did to Clarity,” Cherry began, making a face, “But… good for you?”

and esme was there too she was standing on top of the tower loking down evily at everyone and thigns.

Briar looked to Cherry, “Aren’t school dances typically in the gymnasium?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

Nodding, Briar looked to the screen, still wearing an expression of confusion, “Then why is there a tower? Why is the principal standing at the top like an evil queen as a bunch of adolescents’ dance?”

Asahi shrugged, “Because logic has no place here.”

The everything was dancing like a whore with pneumonoultramicroscopicsili covolcanokoniosis and jetengining and shit.

Still confused, Briar sighed, “Your diseases are strange, too.”

“I can promise you that ain’t a real disease,” Cherry assured her. “We’ve got a lot of weirdly named ones, but this ain’t one.”

 I saw bella she was an emo shit so I smacked her on the way in. Everybody laufhged at that fucking whore so we went back to dancing.

“I see we’re back to Swansin abusing Swan,” Asahi sighed, dejectedly munching on some popcorn. “The good treatment couldn’t last.”

 It was a slow song called my heart will travel on and Jacub and I dancd and made out during the dance it was so cuuute.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Briar said, unimpressed.

Cherry, however, looked offended. “Hold up. Hold the fuck up. Are ya talking about My Heart Will Go On? Don’t you dare drag Celine Dion into this. She is an icon, that song is a legend, and it deserves better than this.”

The we stated playing our band for the prom so those shitty emo fucks could mosh the fuckers.

Bullet given by bets boys

“Bullet given by bet-boy?” Cherry groaned. “What the Hell? That’s from the Vietnamese bootleg version of Pokemon Crystal,” she complained, reaching up to start tugging on her pigtails again. Asahi snatched her by the wrist before she could, forcibly bringing her hand back down to her arm rest.

Given by all bet boys can do

Luzel try to prize up you

Willow tasted everything

Still holding onto her hand, Asahi shook his head. “That song was absolute garbage,” he stated.

“I’ve heard drunken bard belt out better songs on the spot,” Briar agreed.

I could see satan in my mind trying to stop me from playing but I kept going on because THAT WEAK FUCKER CAN SUCK MY TAINT!

Briar frowned, “He’s just not giving it his all, because you’re not worth really trying,” she said, and shook her head. “We’re barely into this chapter and I hate everything.”

“Mood,” Cherry groaned, finally getting her hand free from Asahi.

Bawu go away to ERROR TRANSLATION CODE fc at 405e

[][]

[][]

[][]

[][]

[] JMLITE'SWID YIE CR

DRUGS TAKETO FLITE

Asahi ran a hand down his face, and groaned. “What the fuck?”

“Ah, I love singin’ fc at 405e, [] [] [] [], and Jmlite’swid yie cr,” Cherry responded with a cackle.

In response, the other two were staring at her in abject horror and confusion, and when she finally looked their way, Briar was the one to speak up, her lip quivering, and eyes wide. “How…” she choked out. “How did you even say that?”

Cherry looked at her and blinked innocently, “Say what?”

The cowd rared as I busted out my epic gitar solo which also shok the foundations of the school and the earth

Turning her attention back to the screen, Cherry pursed her lips. “Can ya try to not summon Hell right now?”

. It didn't purse the heavens but it did cause the fucking obnockshis decorations to fall onto the prom comity which I thought was funny. But then something happened as I played the gitar began to grow and growand got fucking big and green and throbbing.

“That…” Asahi shuddered, “is an uncomfortable bit of imagery.”

 It throbbed so hard that heaven blew up I could see it from here. Then Hell too because half the planet was already gone it was weak from prevous strikes.

"REBEBCCA THANK YOU" people screemed astheir souls were saved by me, THE GERATEST PERSON IN AL LTHE WORLD

“This.. can’t be a serious fic, it just can’t be,” Cherry muttered, doubling over and holding her head. “There is no way that she wrote that, an’ thought she was makin’ a serious, genuine fic.”

Asahi reached over to pat her on the back while his gaze stayed affixed on the screen. “No. you’re not the greatest person in the world,” he corrected. “You’re nowhere close.”

"YOU ARE WELCOME" I said to world walking the rabid truble that lay in my way.

Then the president of the school Esme came to satge to announce the winners of the election.

"hello dear children. Rossey is in hell so there will be no competition but before lthat lies we will talk about the prom king and queen!" she said and everybody cheered except me and my friends becuz we no fucking whore that esme.

"JACUB WINS PROM KING"

Asahi frowned, chewed it over in his head, and then looked to Cherry, “My knowledge of American schools comes mostly from bad movies. Can someone who’s not a student win Prom King?”

“No,” Cherry shook her head. “At least for the schools I’ve been to, can’t speak for ‘em all. Ya need to be a student, an’ typically the votes are cast before prom itself, when you buy your ticket, actually.”

she screemd and jacub jumped into the stage and accepted his reward. He was shirtless and shit and he was so so fucking hot I mean fuck I wanted to have sex right there I even got a bit wet.

“For someone who falls into a murderous rage whenever someone says they would like to sleep with you, you are certainly the hypocrite,” Briar mused.

Asahi shrugged, “She needs to stab herself, now. It’s only fair.”

"HOLY SHIT BELLA WON PROM QUEEN" she screemd with her middle finger up at me.

With that, the annoyed, frustrated air of the theater was filled with exalted joy. Cherry leapt from her seat, clapping loudly, Briar was even smiling. There were cheers and laughter, and just pure and genuine joy over such a small, silly detail.

“Fuck yeah!” Cherry yelled as she clapped, “You earned it, girl!”

Briar nodded, remaining seated but smiling wide. “Congratulations, Bella. I certainly would have voted for you if I could.”

“Swan definitely had my vote,” Asahi agreed as he leaned forward, grinning in delight. “Girl deserved some good after all the abuse. I’m happy for her.”

 But then wen bella got up on stag to accept her prom award we duped a bucket of blood onto her to humiliate her in the eys of the world. The world got up and cheerd because every fucking person hates that shitty bitch.

And with a snap, that joy shifted to shock, and then to anger.

Taking in a deep breath, Cherry slowly lowered herself back down to her seat, her hands folded and covering her mouth. “Did ya ever actually watch Carrie?” she asked slowly, her hands shaking as she held them together. “The blood was the precursor to Carrie murderin’ everyone. Oh, please tell me Bella’s gonna murder all you fucking assholes.”

Asahi was seething, his hands on his lap and his nails digging into his thighs. “Swan needs to go on a killing spree, go after everyone who keeps abusing and tormenting her. It’s what she deserves,” he said, digging his nails in deeper. “Starting with Swansin. Death is what she deserves.”

 She cried and cryed and then Mark dragged her off the stage like a cow. But for some reason I felt a ping of badness in my hart. Why did this feel wrong? She deserted it!

Briar dragged a hand down her face, “That’s called guilt. Surprising, I know, I don’t think anyone believes you genuinely capable of feeling that,” she said, taking in a deep breath. “But no one deserves to have blood poured on them like that. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Please, please, please tell me Becca is gonna be the least likable character we meet,” Cherry whispered, hunching over and grabbing her head. “I dunno if I can take it if we get a worse character.”

"NO ITS ACTUALLY REEBCEA" esme screemd

Asahi picked up a piece of the broken arm rest from the floor and threw it at the screen. “How. Dare. You.” He growled out. “She doesn’t deserve Prom Queen. You did us dirty.”

and I got up to take my crown as my prize. I had on a beatufil fucking gorgeous dress and everybody thought I was the hottest girl in the rom everyone wanted to fuock me but I was saving myself for Jacob later tonight.

Taking in another deep breath, Briar gestured to the screen, “Whatever happened to saving yourself until marriage?” she asked.

“’Rules for thee but not for me’, that bullshit mindset took over,” Asahi answered. “Swansin can commit murder and be rewarded, but if someone else does the same thing, they’re a monster. So of course the same logic applies to sex.”

"yo motherfucker good job." I turned my head to see who the fuck called ME a motherfucker and It was Obomba he was here to give me my reward!

Cherry rolled her eyes, “I’m pretty sure ‘Obomba’ has plenty more important stuff to do than to be here.”

 Obomba is the president of the country! He was wering a swhil traditional dress and shit.

“I’m sure he’s rocking his dress, but like Bolton said, he’s got more important things as a President than to be here,” Asahi scoffed.

"you are an example for us all" Obomba sad and he put the crown on me because I was the president and empress of the danse! Everybody clapped their hands for me and even gave me a bouget of flowers they were fucking orange daisys.

“Sure,” Cherry rolled her eyes. “The girl who murders and abuses peeps, then screams at em for being sexually active while being horny all the time herself, that’s an ideal paragon. Fuck, just shove my head into a microwave already.”

"HELL FOOL YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!" I looked oer and it was Chocolove he was stating down Obomba!

“’How dare you give her flowers when it’s our anniversary!’” Asahi said, shifting the pitch of his voice as he mocked the story. “’You know orange daisies are my favorite!’”

"FUCK YOU BITCH YOU ANSWER TO ME" Obamba screemed and took out a breedsword and treated Chocoloev with me.

"NO OBOMBA DON'T DO IT HE IS UMMINE TO SORDS WITHOUT BLADE UNLIKE YOURS" I screemd but it was no use because Chocolove used his energy barier to atomic ombo's ass.

“Sword immunity?” Briar questioned, raising a brow. “I could use something like that.”

As he died he outstretched his arms to Judah and said "god save me, my body!" but then he passed to the other side but then didn't because I had pursed heaven and freed all souls so he just lay their soules.

“Right,” Cherry rolled her eyes. “Cause destroyin’ the spiritual afterlife was such a great idea.”

But then chocolate love appeared and summond his Mick his jaarga and then became a lance to use against me! Chocolove took the lance and threw it at me

Asahi narrowed his eyes at the screen, mouth slightly open as his eyes flickered back and forth reading the text. Then, almost helplessly, he waved an arm to the screen. “Is anyone following this fight? Does anyone understand what is even happening?” he asked. “I still don’t understand what’s going on, and why it’s going on.”

Cherry shrugged, “Don’t look at me, I’m just pretendin’ it makes sense.”

"MY SPEAR ROD WILL PIERSE YOU" he screemed

“Kinky,” she added with a snort.

 and then I dodged so it hit that fucking atrocious hag jane instead. She started grolowing and shit and then exploded into a booldy mess all over my fucking gorgeous dress. I WAS FUCKING ANGRY.

“She constantly abuses Bella and Jane. Demonizes Esme. I don’t recall Victoria, an actual villain and bad person, to have been mentioned in a while. If at all. Why do I feel that she hates all the canon female characters with the exception of Alice and possibly Rosalie?” Briar asked.

“Honestly? Because she probably does,” Asahi shrugged. “It’s the internal misogyny that she can only release through writing.”

But before I could do anything the moon started to crash into the planet! I looked up and it was ANGELA! SHE WAS PILOTING THE MOON INTO THE SCHOOL!

“While that sounds freakin’ awesome, it’s completely implausible an’ I’ll use some science an’ facts to show why,” Cherry said as she stood up. “It’s generally accepted that asteroids gotta be about thirty-five meters in size to be a threat to a town. Hell, the infamous Chicxulub is estimated to be between six to nine miles wide, give or take. We gotta rely on the crator for measurements. No one knows for certain how big it was, cause no one was around to measure and record it when it decided to pick a fight with the Earth.”

Clapping her hands together, Cherry looked to the other two, then to the screen, “That’s the asteroid believed to have wiped out the dinos,” she said, and then pointed to the ceiling. “The moon? The moon is well over two-thousand miles wide. Sire. Speed of impact is a factor, but even at a snail’s pace you can imagine the kinda damage that’s gonna cause.”

She paused, then grinned widely, tapping her head, “I so wanna keep the random fact generator they give us. I’d be a pro at trivia night.”

"YOU FUCKER YOU THINK YOU KILL CAN ME THAT EASILY" she SCREAMED. She made a cross with her moon and then attacked chocolove with it and he tried to deflect with his hands! He was fast but she drove the moon like a fucking professional.

Asahi rolled his eyes, “Not to mention… it’s a moon.”

"NO HOMIE DON'T KILL MY DAD HE'S ALL I HAVE LEFT" Tanishashanqua screemed as she got between Chocolove and the moon.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Chocolove is Tanishashanqua and Angela’s dad, right?” Briar asked. “They’re sisters?”

Asahi nodded. “Yep, it’s going to be an interesting family reunion between them and the Swans.”

The entire dance stopped to look at the scene it was so beautiful and we could touch it.

“You would think the world would be freakin’ the fuck out, cause the moon’s comin’ to say hello,” Cherry frowned. “But, no, this is just another Monday for em.”

 Angela stopped and stared crying because all she evr wanted was to be runited with her long last dad after he mom dyed of AIDS when agela was only 5

“Aww,” Cherry frowned, “I feel bad for her. Losin’ a parent that young sucks.”

“Except her mom’s alive,” Asahi countered. “Shares Bella’s mom, remember? Unless TwilightRova decided to change things, the woman’s off married to a baseball player right now.”

 I also lafed when that happen the fucking whore.

“Of course you did,” Briar muttered.

Asahi shook his head, “Whatever good points you’ve accumulated for saving Bella, she’s lost them all this chapter,” he muttered. “That’s not cool or cute or whatever.”

Then something ajazing happened! Tanishahsnaqua's word touched angela and she stoped her rampage. She hot off the moon to go and hug cocolove and then the three embraced each other. They were a famil yagain it was a beautiful site to see!

“And then they directed that murderous rage to Becca,” Cherry said.

Then Jane came back from the beyond because I blew up heaven and hell with my music so she then told as "WE HAVE TO GO" quickly because the moon was coming.

“Thank you for finally noticing the freakin’ moon is gonna collide with the Earth!” Cherry yelled. “Not that there’s much hope, that thing hits an’ we get mass extinction.”

"but why" I screemed

Asahi dragged a hand down his face, “Because it’s the moon!”

"Because Cocolove is going to try to kill you bitch" she screemed and then made magic with her fingers and screemed "METEOR". Then the moon got up and started attacking again and Chocolove took out his lance to stop it.

“I cannot help but imagine that the moon has, somehow, sprouted arms to be able to fight,” Briar said with a frown, shaking her head.

That at least got Asahi to chuckle, “That’s a funny though,” he said. “Really the only way ‘the moon started attacking again’ makes sense.”

"WILD MOTHERFUCKER YOU AINT GOT NOTHING ON ME" Chocoloe scremed as he fought off the moon from the dance. Angela helped too "I will protect my daddy!" she screemed. But then piloted Clarity [AN: ARROW]

“We forgot Green Arrow was in here,” Cherry mused.

“Ignoring how ridiculous it is that they’re fighting… the goddamn moon…” Asahi began, pausing as the pain of that very concept hit him. “Angela you better step up. You’re the one who brought the moon here,” he said, almost seething.

 and Mark and Cayus all appeared! They were the Volture!

“Oh, no? They are?” Cherry asked, putting on a bland tone. “What. A. Twist.”

"IT IS THE TIME TO BATTLE YOU AND KILL YOU REBECCA!" Esme screemd "VOLTURE! ROLL THE FUCK OUT AND FUCK HER UP!" and with that we engaged them in a epic battle.

Briar raised an eyebrow, but looked wholly unimpressed by the ‘epic battle’ that was taking place. “We will need to take your word for that,” she said.

Edward took out his nales and fought Cayus wile Alice took out her gun and stated to fight the robot Clarity while Jacub fought Mark with his axe.

"Tanishahsnqa help me figh esme!" I screemed as I pushed a student out fo the way of an e nergy beam. I took out a grenade and threw it as esme flew around the room shooting of kamehamehas and shit but it didn't' stop her!

“What?” Cherry asked, frowning. “Are we in Dragon Ball, now? Cause if so, if I don’t see Vegeta pop up an’ start curbstompin’ all of them, I’mma revolt.”

“What about Goku?” Asahi asked.

Cherry glared at him. “Goku can eat shit.”

 "FUCK I CANT HIT HER!" I screemed!

"she is not immoral" Tanishahsnqua sad wile shooting her getto gun. It was a sene to see! Tanishashqnau's mech arm turned into a gatling gun and started machine gunning that fucking bitch

“Yang?” Asahi asked, “Is this where you went?”

"TAKE THISSSSSSS" she screemed! But then the fucking sluts sulpichia and nympho appeared and thired to use magic on Tanishashanqua.

“The who and what now?” Asahi asked.

Briar shook her head, “New characters we’re supposed to just…know. Joy.”

"FIRAGA" bympho screemed

"BLIZARGA" Sulpy screened

Cherry scowled, “Great. We’re in Kingdom Hearts, now. Yay…”

"NOOOO NOT MY SISTER" and with that Angela took the hit for Tanishahsnqua. Jane took the other one that hag and disintegrated so tht her soul could never return to her fucking ugly ass boody.

“Can you cease being rude?” Briar asked, folding her hands onto her lap. “For five minutes? Or will you explode if you do?”

“Probs,” Cherry shrugged. “Honestly, I liked Jane. She was kinda cool. A bad, evil bitch who wouldn’t hesitate to throw kids into a fire.”

To that, Briar turned and stared at her in mild horror. “Throwing kids into a fire…?” she asked, and the scene from the movie was immediately in her brain courtesy of the theater’s strange powers. Her brows furrowed, and whatever else she wanted to ask died on her tongue as she thought better of it.

 But angela was okay wich was polished good because Tanishahsnqua cant afford the operation to save angela if she died.

“Polished good?” Asahi asked, uncertain, not receiving generous knowledge by the theater. “Is that American slang What does it mean? What does it mean?”

Cherry shrugged when he looked at her. “Never heard of that phrase before.”

"Angela you are my sis put aside your differences and work with me to fight evil" Tanishashanqua said and esme was killing motherfuckering normal students with her kamehamehame's.

She looked back to the screen and frowned, “An’ suddenly you care?”

"I WILL TRY" angela said redeemed for all of her actions as she began to.

“That is the laziest depiction of a redemption arc I’ve ever read,” Asahi frowned as he said that, “And I’ve read really bad redemption arcs.”

But then esme flew onto me and pushed me really fuckign far away but it didn't last because "TELEPORT" I heard.

Suddenly me Edowerd and Bella were all in a dark house.

“Oh, for the love of—!” Asahi began, hissing through clenched teeth, covering his face with a hand. “Can you just leave Swan out of this story?”

“But then who’d TwilightRova abuse?” Cherry countered.

"were we go to?" Bella say. Then I thought as I recognized the house! It was… THE COLLINS MANOR!

“Because they live in a manor, the best way to avoid suspicion and appear as a normal person,” Briar sighed, shaking her head. “I suppose it’s a convenient way to get out of the moon fight, maybe she realized just how asinine it was and didn’t want to write a proper ending to it.”

"ITS EDOWERD'S HOUSE!" I screemed. "But who teleported us!?" I asked edowerd. "The Hag is dead!" Edowerd nodded and turned is back to me.

“Could you perhaps be respectful to others for once in your life?” Briar asked, rolling her eyes.

Cherry snickered, “Pretty sure she’d blow up if she did.”

“All the more reason to.”

"I know who" EDowerd said. Suddenly…. CHOCOLOVE STEPPED OUT INTO THE FOYAY.

" Chocolove what are you-" bella began but then Chocolove took out a gun that was fucking huge and aimed it at us.

“Edward,” Briar began, “Right now would be a good time to use that vampiric speed you possess to save them.”

Asahi shook his head, “We don’t want them saved. Well, no one but Swan saved. The others can die. Preferably Swansin first. A slow, and hopefully painful death is what she deserves.”

"The plan commences" he said and then blew bella's entire fucking head straight off and all of the blood got on me again.

Groaning, Asahi ran a hand down his face before throwing both into the air. “That’s it, I’m rioting,” he shouted, jumping to his feet and pointing an accusatory finger to the screen. “You just killed off the only person I was actually rooting for and cared about in this dumpster fire of a story. How dare you? Do you get off to abusing Swan or something?”

He was still seething as both Briar and Cherry took a hold of him, gently tugging him back into his seat.

Everythign stopped.

AN: this chapter was edited by Kurshee aka Yammama who is the only one who fucking hels with this shit.

Briar frowned, one hand still on Asahi to keep him from bolting up again. “It boggles the mind that there are still people in her life that are willing to edit this.”

“It boggles the mind that even with peeps editing’, it still looks like this,” Cherry added.

 But I leaned from before that you can trust these fuockers so after this he's fird to. FUCK YOU YAMAMA

Cherry shook her head at that. “So, he’s the only one helpin’ with this shit, an yet you decide to fire ‘im anyways?” she asked. “Not only is that unprofessional, but fuck is your behavior a definition of insane.”

In that moment, things suddenly became clear. There wasn't anymore confusion in my mind. No, that's not true. I was paralyzed in shock still.

“It’s the death of someone you’ve made clear you hat— that you constantly abuse and mock— that shocks you into paralysis, but everyone else who has died thus far barely gets the time of day from you,” Briar mused, then shook her head. “With what we’ve seen of her so far… that tracks.”

 The blood from what used to be Bella's head was splattered all over me.

Asahi bent over to tug off his shoe—which he promptly chucked at the screen with all his might. It didn’t make it, but it was the thought that counted. “Screw you!” he yelled.

This wasn't like when Alice used those non lethal bullets.

There was a moment of pause as they all thought back to the early chapters, when Alicia started shooting up the classroom, and of all the people who had been killed as a result. Mike Newton among them.

After that, Cherry chuckled a little. “Yeah…” she drawled. “Non-lethal bullets. Sure.”

 Bella's entire head was gone. Spread out over the foyer floor, never to be reassembled.

“Until she remembers that she caused Heaven and Hell to cease to be, and so her soul returns to the mortal plane much like Jane’s had when she was killed,” Briar said. “So, with hope, death will only be a temporary inconvenience for Bella.”

Still chuckling, Cherry shook her head. “Consistency? Please, TwilightRova doesn’t know her.”

Before I could even turn to look at her killer, another gunshot went off. It took a moment to register. A warm red liquid was seeping out of my abdomen. He got me, too. I tried to cover the wound with my shaky hands.

Asahi paused, his other shoe in hand and about to be thrown before he realized something peculiar. An odd difference that the haze of rage had made him miss. Mouth pursing into a frown, he lowered his shoe so that it was on his lap and began reading the paragraph and previous one over again, eyes flickering back and forth as he read it twice, then thrice, unsure if he had fi/nally snapped and fallen into the pleasant embrace of hallucinations.

“Guys…?” he began with a thick swallow, already dreading the words, bitter as they tasted, before they had even left his mouth. “Is it just me, or is this chapter actually…good?”

Taking pause, Cherry looked to him, and then to the screen, reading it over as her brows furrowed and realization set in. “Wait… yeah. Yeah, no, It’s not just—” she began and faltered. “There’s only been like…two spellin’ mistakes outside of the dumb author’s note. The story is also… an I really hate to say it, but it’s kinda compellin’ right now.”

Briar nodded along, “It’s far more cohesive,” she confirmed. “There are still a few grammar mistakes, but it’s not painful. The phrasing, the way of speaking. Bella’s death, the imagery used for the bullet to the head, even Rebecca herself being shot… it’s all so much more elegant. Professional, even.”

“Aaah!” Cherry yelled, reaching up to pull at her pigtails. “Why the hell would ya fire Yamama? If this is the fuckin’ quality we would get with them editin’, why would you ever wanna get rid of him?” she demanded as Asahi reached over to grab her wrists, forcing her to let go of her own hair. “This just means this is gonna be a good chapter, and the rest are gonna be shit.”

Asahi sighed, forcing her hands onto her lap, “I both love it, and hate it.”

"W-why?.." I manage to mutter. Blood is seeping out of my mouth. I might have been able to take this had Angela not done so much damage to me yesterday. I don't have much time.

“Referencing the previous chapter’s fights, the wounds and stress that were put upon Rebecca’s body, and how that affected her today,” Briar said, gesturing wildly at the screen. “This is good writing. It’s consistent, it acknowledges what has happened and doesn’t disregard consequences for those scenes.”

“Why couldn’t we have had this the entire fic?” Cherry demanded. “I woulda enjoyed this shit so much more if the whole fic was like this!”

"You should've played along when you had the chance, girl." My assailant caustically berated me from his position at the top of the staircase.

Asahi leaned forward, eyes wide and shining with a sort of awe that this fic hadn’t inspired before. “Caustically?” he questioned. “I never thought I’d see a word like that used in this story. And, mentioning how he’s atop the stairs, looking down on her from above… why does this chapter have to be good?”

"Now, vampire. Finish her." I glanced at Edward as he was ordered around. His hooded eyes had turned a crimson red.

“Okay, wait—Edward is working with Chocolove?” Briar asked, shaking her head and letting out a short, sharp laugh. “Is this explaining why he just attacked Rebecca earlier? Her first love interest turning into one of the villains is a good twist.”

“It’s a really good twist. The friend to an enemy, betrayed by someone you love, I love those twists,” Asahi confirmed, nodding his head eagerly.

"Don't do it Edward!"

"Why shouldn't he?"

“Yeah!” Cherry added, crossing her arms over her chest. “Quality improvement besides, why shouldn’t sparkles kill her? I want him to kill her. She still sucks balls, suddenly well written chapters don’t just absolve her of her sins. She needs to die.”

Laughing, Asahi scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah. As much as I love this chapter for the quality jump—and boy oh boy is it a jump—I still hate Swansin with all my being. She can wither away and die.”

"Because... Because if for just one moment I don't keep up this facade of fake-perfection, you'll realize how empty I am on the inside. Yeah, empty would be the best word to describe it. You see Bella over there? She's empty too. She's dead. Chocolove killed her."

Asahi rolled his eyes, “Empty is right. You’re just a shallow bitch who with nothing substantial about you when all is said and done. You care only for yourself, you’re so quick to mock and bully others. But that’s not a reason to not be killed.”

“And you suddenly care about Bella being dead?” Briar added, raising a brow. “As much as I would love for you to have grown a conscious thanks to Yamama, it’s hard to believe you actually care. You constantly abused her, you laughed at her being raped and remained friends with the rapist. You have tried to kill her several times. Laughed when others made the same attempt, and so much more. If it hadn’t been Chocolove who killed her, there is little doubt that you would have orchestrated her death yourself.”

I stumble to the ground as I finish, blood and flesh searing from my wound. "I bet you he always planned it to, just like he and my mother did for me!" I was laughing maniacally now.

“And now we’re getting lore about your mom, out of nowhere?” Asahi asked. “On one hand I am vibing with the quality of writing, being able to actually read what’s happening does wonders. But on the other… if you’re going to say that Chocolove is her dad too…”

The walls were beginning to pulsate in and out, blending and bending the fabric of the room together and apart. I'm being pulled apart.

Cherry groaned. “I like this bit,” she confessed with as much pain and reluctance as one could. “I actually really like this line.”

"They hid me from the world for years so that when I was finally released, I would be a tyrant."

“Is that your excuse for being the way you are?” Briar asked, raising a brow once more. “While grooming and isolation can play a part, I refuse to believe that is the sole reason. Once free from them, you would have reasonably realized that the rest of the world does not operate on the same wave of cruelty.”

“Not really,” Asahi countered. “The others were just as awful as her. So if her folks raised her to be an awful person, and her peers away from her parents were also awful people, then why would she ever think that she was the one in the wrong when everyone around her says she’s in the right?”

Briar hummed as she thought it over before giving a satisfied nod. “That is a good point. If she had been placed in a better environment once away from her parents, then she would have likely matured and grown out of this tyrannical cruelty. But her environment never changed at the core. New faces, new voices, but the way of life was the same.”

 Chocolove steadies his aim on me as he descends the stairwell; his face says it all. Stop speaking at once or I will end you here and now.

But you know what?

Things are clear for the very first time for me. Something locked away has finally surfaced.

Fuck him.

Asahi let out a low whistle as Briar muttered ‘damn’ in response to what they had read.

“This chapter is makin’ me hate the story a little less more an’ more,” Cherry complained, shaking her head. “For once, Becca is a good narrator. Not a good character, but damn is this good narration.”

"Don't listen to this girl, Edward," Chocolove says with a certain smoothness to his voice. He extends his hand towards Edward while keeping the gun aimed at my head. In this moment, I don't even know where I am anymore. Things are wobbly, and I can barely see Edward. He's leaning closer and closer to Chocolove, considering which of the two of us to try and go after.

Still in awe of the quality, Briar had to take a moment to marvel at the paragraph. “The detail and description,” she began in a soft breath. “She’s slipping, she’s been shot and you can tell that she’s starting to slip… Yamama was a godsend.”

Asahi nodded. “Shame she fired him after one chapter.”

I can't let Chocolove convince him to gut me. I can't let it end here. Anywhere but here.

"NO! Don't you get it by now Edward!? I act the way I do because if I don't, then people will realize that I'm nothing!"

“We always knew you were nothing, even with how you were acting,” Asahi retaliated. “Why do you think saying that will change anything? Unless you plan to do better, which I doubt, ‘I’m nothing’ isn’t a convincing argument to not be killed.”

 Every piece of my body screams out in a putrid agony, begging for relief. I can't stop though; if I stop for a moment then I lose my only chance at survival. I have to bring Edward back to his senses. "Deep down, I'm hollow inside. I was made to be hollow. I was engineered to be hated from the very beginning, to give all of humanity something to hate together; to unite them under one common cause."

“I really don’t like how meta this is gettin’,” Cherry shuddered. “It scares me.”

 As Edward backs away from Chocolove, my tears litter the messy floor of the foyer. I'm failing. I have to keep convincing him that I'm not worth preying on.

“Oh,” Briar hummed. “That’s what you’re doing. Convince him you’re not worth the effort. Interesting tactic, but a useless one,” she said with a languid shrug, leaning back in her chair. “He was told to kill you, doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re worthy prey or not.”

 "My death." I couldn't stop myself from breaking out into laughter, interrupted only by sobs and blood I would cough up. I was cracking. I couldn't even tell if it's from the pain or from the despair.

“Both,” Asahi reported with a solid nod. “Now you know how we felt the last thirty-three chapters. So I think it’s a fitting punishment for you. Still want you to die, though.”

 Everything I had done in my life, it all hit me. Poor, poor Bella. Charlie. Jane. I've mistreated everybody around me. I deserve this fate. I deserve to die, alone and afraid.

“I’m glad you finally understand,” Cherry said, clapping her hands together and grinning. “Cause, yes, ya do. You deserve that an’ more.”

 All I can do was collapse and cry.

"Edward, what I have done here is for the greater good. A monster such as Rebecca has no place in society. She is to be feared, not loved; despised, not pitied." The man preached with a twisted sense of conviction.

“I do agree with you. She’s a monster and with how she acts there’s no place for her among others,” Briar began, nodding in agreement. “But, you’re not all that likable, either, Chocolove. You’re not a hero by any sense of the word.”

Like a rubber band that had been stretched too far, something inside of me broke. The recoil echoed through my body, sending my slumped figure into a spasm. A burning sensation began to grow in my chest, and in a moment of clarity I grasped at my abdomen. The searing pain got worse and worse, and I was back on my side, screeching in agony. The realization that I was not simply shot had dawned on me. There was a hole through my body, as big as my first, running all the way through. I'm already dead.

“I just can’t get over how good the quality is,” Asahi said with a smile and shudder. “I love this prose. I love the visceral description as she dies, the increasing pain and the struggle just to hold on for a second longer. I love this. Yamama did great.”

In an instant, the walls of reality came crumbling down upon me. Each breath in this world took years to finish, while every thought was over in an instant. Just as suddenly as I entered this trance, I left it with a conviction. There was not a thing holding me back anymore. I rose to my feet, gripping my Katana with both hands. Before he even had a chance to react, I charged Chocolove and ran him through with my sword. I kicked Edward with all my might, sending him flying back through a wall. This was the strength I was given by my creator.

“Hah!” Cherry gasped, grinning from ear to ear. “Looks like Eddy’s gotten kicked through the fourth wall.”

Asahi, however, groaned. “Come on, why couldn’t you have just died, and stayed dead?” he complained. “The protagonist losing is a perfectly fine way to end things.”

The strength to choose my own destiny.

“Boo,” he continued, “lame. Just die.”

"Up until this point, I have had the displeasure of trying to comprehend life here. Now I see that I was never meant to understand life as it is in the first place; this is because I was constructed to be a hollow being."

Cherry cringed, “Yeah, okay. This ‘hollow’ thing is startin’ to get old,” she admitted. “Plus, what the fuck? Of course you’re not gonna understand life, that’s kinda how it works. No one understands life. Has nothin’ to do with you being ‘constructed to be a hollow being’.”

 I run him through again, pinning the scientist to a wall of the manor using his own daughter's sword.

“I’d forgotten the katana was given to her by Angela,” Briar confessed with a slight shrug. “Well, I think the story did as well, as it was never mentioned again as being her katana.”

"What you perhaps do not understand, Chocolove, is how genius your plans were. In fact, part of me wishes to commend you for them. Hiding me from the world for years so that when I was finally released, I would be a tyrant? Priceless. Literally engineering a child which would grow into a being that would be despised and ridiculed for its apparent mental illness? Utter brilliance. Revealing this all to me, however? I would say that I'm disappointed, but that would require me to be able to feel. Something which, according to you, I've never been capable of doing."

“She’s not wrong,” Asahi shrugged, nodding to the screen, “She is a narcissist. She’s unable to feel empathy for others. The only thing she can feel is selfish pride.”

 He struggles to reply as I talk to him, locked to the wall by my blade.

"Throughout all your planning and deviancy, you failed to remember one important detail about what you were doing. You were making me unique, Chocolove. A Rarity. Something truly special.

Cherry scrunched up her face and slowly shook her head. “Eh…” she said. “That’s not really unique mindset an behavior. That’s like the… the majority of politicians.”

In your quest to create something that people would strive to exterminate, you developed a being unlike any other. A being made entirely out of weaknesses and flaws."

“Again, she’s not wrong,” Asahi repeated. “She’s made of just bad character traits. But what is the point? Where is this monologue going? Being made entirely of weaknesses and flaws doesn’t make a strong character.”

"You see Chocolove, even with the discord that would run through my head, I learned something important. No matter what, people can get by and change despite their flaws. It's one of the most humanistic traits I can think of.

“To quote a certain someone,” Cherry said with a nod, “She’s not wrong.” Asahi gave her an unamused look, which only served to make her grin. “Being human mean’s being able to change an’ grow.”

“Which is why we know Rebecca is not a human,” Briar said.

And yet, I had been just beginning to display those kinds of traits myself- Shedding that coat of superiority and stupor to connect with people who I never dreamed were so interesting! Does that make me human, Mr. Judah Chocolove?" His eyes flare as he hears that name.

There was a moment of pause before Cherry erupted into uncertain laughter, “Holy shit,” she said between breaths. “All this time, all this time, Chocolove’s been Judah! What is with all these twists?”

“There’s been a lot of unexpected things thrown at us from the blue, but this one takes the cake,” Asahi laughed, shaking his head. “All our remarks and theories over whether Judah was just TwilightRova getting religious myths wrong or if it was an entirely new fictional religion, and it turns out he’s just a teacher… what a reveal.”

The name of the man who raised me. The name of the man who I had been conditioned to forget since day one. The name of the man who brought me into this world.

“I want to believe that it truly was that she was conditioned to forget, that this was planned, but… I don’t think TwilightRova has the forethought to do that,” Briar confessed. “Which is a shame, if it had been planned, it would have been genuinely good.”

"No, it doesn't. Because according to you, a monster can never change. A monster has no potential to love, to learn, or even to live. Its only defining characteristic is that it is the antithesis to humanity." I twist the Katana ever so slightly. He bears the pain, only wincing.

"Somehow though, you created a person capable of experiencing every feeling across the spectrum, something that directly contradicts with your definition of what a monster is! You tortured them and broke them and finally molded them into a being so heinous, so vile, that people would band together just to erase it and every trace of it from this world."

Asahi rolled his eyes, “You know, the claims that she was tortured and broken to become this way would hold more weight if we were given any evidence or mention of this ever happening,” he pointed out. “The most we got was her mentioning, once, that she was locked in a basement ‘for years’ in response to being annoyed that Crystal was still mourning her parents being killed.”

“Which is a nice bit of foreshadowing if intended,” Briar added, sighing and shaking her head. “But what’s most likely is that she decided last minute to build off that one line, and Yamama rewrote it to make it not come off as insane.”

"If you had only given me a chance, Judah! All I ever wanted to just to be loved-

Cherry threw her hands into the air. “You were loved, for some fuckin’ reason. Edward and Jacob both were in love with you despite how absolutely awful you were! Alicia an’ Tanishashanqua cared about ya, again for God knows why.”

 Nowhere was it written that I had to walk into that school every day of my life honestly believing that my actions had no consequences, that I had the power to murder people because I was some perfect sparkling princess. I didn't have to be that psychotic, foolish, selfish, ridiculously weak bitch- A twisted girl who only was warranted interest when she did something murderous!"

"Forget, for just a moment, about how you destroyed the life I never had, and try to consider the lives of all the people I've killed because you made me into this. Take a couple of moments. Good. What could you possibly say to make that better? I killed Charlie- the only adult who ever tried to help me. You've killed Bella."

“So,” Asahi said, reclining in his seat, crossing one leg over the other, and staring up at the screen. “Is this supposed to be meta? Like Chocolove is a stand-in for TwilightRova? Because that is what this feels like. Like she’s lashing out at the author for how awful this story has been. Which… if that is the case? Kudos.”

Continuing, her frowned, “Otherwise… I don’t quite know how I feel about her suddenly pinning all the blame for her actions and behavior on him. It feels like she’s trying to exonerate herself of any guilt.”

"It is nothing but one road bump in an otherwise flawless-" Chocolove began. I twist the Katana further. He lets out a small shriek.

Briar shook her head, “Toughen up.”

"What am I going to do about this, you ask? I'll tell you what. I'm going to throw a wrench in your plan right now and end it." This is it. I want to see the fear in his eyes.

"You fool."

Cherry cackled, “She got too overconfident,” she said. “Girl thought she had him but she shoulda known, once ya start monologuing, ya lose.”

What?

"Do not take me for a weakling due to my profession, dearest Rebecca."

Where's the fear? I have him pinned. There's no escape!

“Having someone pinned doesn’t mean an immediate victory,” Briar said, crossing her arms. “The biggest mistake you can make is relaxing, thinking you’ve won, when your prey is still breathing.”

"There's no way to unite people without the common enemy, is there?"

"What are you-?" My sentence is cut off. He frees himself in an instant. He's fast, faster than anything I have ever seen. In less than a moment, we have traded places. I'm pinned up against the wall by a lance through my mid section.

"I'm starting anew, Rebecca. You are not my only experiment. It's time to clean up loose ends." He smirks, taking the lance out.

Asahi raised an eyebrow, “Is she finally going to die?” he asked no one in particular. “Can this please be when she dies.”

“One can only hope,” Cherry nodded.

This is my only chance.

I gathered up every ounce of might I had left in my frail body and tried to move out of the way. I wasn't fast enough. He drove the lance through my skull.

Darkness took over.

“Can we just end this story here?” Briar asked, as Asahi nodded in agreement, “This would be a good place to end at. We don’t need to read the next twenty pages. We can end this, here, now, and stop it all.”

AN: okay so frum now on this is the break in Kornicals. I will be trying a new story it will be better then this one you guys.

“It’s not a high bar to hit to be better than the majority of this fic, but this chapter? This one is going to be hard to beat,” Asahi said. “I’m going to miss Yamama. This chapter was a much-needed reprieve from the normal insanity.”

Cherry nodded, “I’m dreadin’ going to the final few chapters when we got TwilightRova’s unedited drivel.”

 It will start angela on her journey and then maybe when ie writen a bit of that i wil come back to Kornicals and continue witing it (i have idea of how to countie it but withu editor it will be betrayd SO REED IT wHEN IT COMES OUT BUT THIS ISNT ADVETISING JUST KINDA SO THINKS FOR REEDING! 333

“Return of the ‘it’s not advertisement’,” Briar remarked.

Chapter 34 – ALIVE AGIN

"what fuck" I sed as I got up shakily.

Asahi groaned, hanging his head low. “Damn,” he muttered. “I knew it was unlikely, but a part of me hoped Yamama remained to write the rest of this story for her. I don’t want to return to unreadable slop.”

“And, to top it all off, of course she’s not dead,” Briar muttered, shaking her head.

"wate what how the fuck!? I kill you but you survive that? mtoherfucker" chcolove sed to me.

“I wanna have the other Chocolove back,” Cherry complained, tugging at her hair, “At least that one was written like an intelligent an’ suave villain, an’ not an angry bitch.”

"I don't know gtfo you just killed me" You! I say and then do! Cocolove got his lance out and looked mega fuocking confused.

“Don’t worry, we’re all confused,” Briar deadpanned.

And then vamporized and dispeared into the darkness. I was in a graveyard and so was bella to. We were both fucing fuocking confused because last I remember I was killed by lance and bella was bullet by shot.

“Yeah, you were killed. Dead. Gone. Now you’re not.” Cherry muttered, far from happy by her not being dead. “By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense,” she muttered.

"just kidding, lol" bella say getting up now alive and better.  She lauhs and smiles and says "I just pretended to die I can do that you know"

“Thank God,” Asahi yelled, “The one good decision you’ve made!”

Briar hummed, “Getting shot in the head and surviving? That’s a useful skill to have,” she mused.

 and then we hi 5 becaused this was a plan we had emergiencially planend out every since the beginning of the last chapter. Bella would fake dye and I would faek dye to make motherfucoker Chocolove reveel just how evil he was that raggot.

“That's a lie,” Asahi frowned, crossing his arms over his chest again. “You don’t just ‘fake’ die after being stabbed or having your head blown off.”

“Ugh,” Cherry muttered, “I miss Yamama, it dragged on but at least it’s ‘twist’ wasn’t stupid. Yamama would have figured out how to bring Bella back without having it be a fake out, after describing how her brain and blood was all over the floor.”

"Rebecca wtf your body it has changed!" bella say looking to me. I standed back and looked at myself and then I realized I was not me!

“Don’t we all just hate those out-of-body experiences where you realize you’re not you?” Briar asked with a slight scoff.

“They really ruin the day,” Cherry agreed.

"it was my soul even though my body dyed my soul didn't go to heaven or hell so it found a new body!" I say. And then I realized!

MY BODY WAS BELLA'S AND BELLA AND ME WERE SHARING A BOODY!

Asahi made a face, “Yikes. No one deserves to have to share a body with Swansin.”

“Kick her out, Bella!” Cherry shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth. “Assert your dominance an’ take back control over your body!”

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I scream becuz Bella and Bella I was had to share the femae genitalia that is my body!

“It’s Bella’s body,” Briar corrected with a frown. “She has the misfortune to have to share her genitals with you. As Asahi said, it’s a fate no one deserves to suffer.”

"we have to fix this fucking fast you shitbitch" Bella say now no longer friend since mutual enemy in Chocolive was defeated.

“Was he defeated?” Asahi asked, shifting in his seat and trying to recall the absolute mess of a chapter this had already been. It was so much harder to really retain any information when reading the text was a miserable experience. “He just complained that you were not dead, and then nothing else. There was no victory.”

"damn fast" I say. So then we went home to Cullen manner

Cherry dragged a hand down her face and then clawed at the air, “The Cullen’s? The home of Edward and Esme, who wanna kill you?” she asked paused, and sighed. “No, ya know what? Go for it. Makes it easier for ya to die if you go into the lion’s den.”

and I went to the bathroom and I started my moisturizing treatment because bella's face is filled with goddamn motherfucking acne and shit because she never fucking takes care of it.

Briar frowned, “Bella is pretty,” she argued with growing frustration. “Stop making up lies.”

Or was it my face now. Or was it Bella's? Who was even thinking this I no one don't even know at this uppity point somebody fucking put me back in my own body!

“Or, better idea,” Cherry began with a mischievous grin. “We exorcise your soul, an’ let you die. Like we’ve been waitin’ to happen since chapter one.”

Asahi nodded in agreement, “I like this plan.”

"Rebecca's soul now lungers inside of Bella's" Jacob explained to Alicia, Tanishashanqua, Edowerd, Alec, and everybuddy else who didn't try to fucking MURDUR me earlier

Briar shook her head in momentary confusion, “Edward did try to kill you. Twice,” she pointed out. “He was temporarily aligned with Chocolove.”

“More importantly,” Asahi cut in. “When and why are they here?”

[I explained, you do not want to kill me rite now trust me] after I explicated it towards him. But Jacob didn't expantiate it right and it was like he was trying to place some of the blame on me!

Asahi groaned, and following Cherry’s own habits, brought his hand to his head and started tugging at his hair. It wasn’t quite as effecting considering his hair was so much shorter, but it was the thought behind it that counted. “’Swansin’s soul now lingers inside of Swan’, How is that placing the blame on you? It’s literally just stating the facts!” he shouted in frustration. “Your soul is in Swan’s body!”

“I think she deserves some of the blame,” Cherry shrugged, glaring at the screen. “Most everythin’ that happened that sucks has been cause of her.”

 Like it was my fault that my soul piloted into Bella's body afterwards and her fatass soul didn't get the fuck out of my way. Maybe if her soul stopped eating so many fucking pillbugs on the playground then she wouldn't be so fucking ugly that motherfucker.

“Can you stop bein’ rude to her?” she continued, her glare growing fiercer. “You’re sharin’ a body right now, least ya can do is be respectful.”

Edowerd said: "hello friend I will stick with you from now as a simple form of Rebella!"

"Yes Rebella is an excellent name for the organism" Carlisle the father Collin came in and said.

“…And now Carlisle is just here, for no discernable reason,” Cherry said slowly, shaking her head in frustration, “I mean, Rebella sucks, but it fits, cause this sucks.”

"I love her she's even cuter than the real Bella!" Jacob squirted. Right then Bella's soul popped right out of her body and went into the doll on her desk.

“Gross, don’t squirt,” Asahi said, and then buried his face in his hands, “Why is it Swan who had to be kicked out of her body? This isn’t fair. It’s her body.”

 Now I had Bella's body because mine dyed and now Bella was in an old doll because let's face it she has all the charisma and grace of a goddamn fucking dead ass doll.

Standing back up, Asahi threw his other shoe at the screen with a steady stream of cursing. This shoe made it farther than the other, but it still couldn’t reach the screen. He yelled and collapsed back into his seat, curling up into an angry ball. “Aaargh! All the character development from Yamama’s chapter, it’s gone! She’s back to being absolutely insufferable!”

But this meant I had bellas fucing stupid ass brain that failed psychics class two years in a row so im fuocked inn school now.

“Good,” Cherry muttered as she reached over to pet Asahi, trying to calm him back down. “Pyschic classes, I imagine, are hard.”

"You are so cute, Rebecca" Jacob said to me, because I'm not fucing bella anymore. I had taken bella's body in the ethereal struggle for life and that meant I was rightfully at the top of the fucking food chain.

“It means you’re a body thief and deserve to be killed for stealing another’s body,” Asahi corrected, glaring at the screen.

“I’ve handled cases like this before,” Briar spoke up, one hand on her chin as she thought the situation over. “The remedy is surprisingly simple. The right herbs in the right proportions blended together into an elixir. Put Rebecca in a circle of salt and iron so she cannot escape and boil the potion so the fumes fill the room. It can take some time—a few hours—but the invading soul will be dragged out.”

She lowered her hand, “The other method is painful, involves a lot of magic and stabbing,” she added, and narrowed her eyes. “Since Bella’s soul is in a doll and won’t be hurt… I, for one, am in favor of stabbing.”

"But my sword! It was broke in the fight!" I say. Then Angela step forward and tell me something.

"However to beat it, here is something! When I summoned the moon I made a new Katana. Take my Black Katane and use it's super power to fight the force" she say and then gtfo because Nobody wanted to fucking deal with the that shit of her and Tasnishashqna's dad being evil and crap.

Cherry gave the screen the bird, “Rude.”

"So Cocolove is evil we must kill that fucker" I said.

“To be fair, we all kind of knew he was messed up, but I really never expected him to be the final boss,” Asahi confessed. “They kept toting on and on about how bad Esme was, and then out of nowhere the stripper of all people is the big bad.”

“It was quite a twist,” Briar confessed.

But then angela came "Chocolove you do not need to kill that bastard, we would are evil through blood?"

“Well, you for sure are evil,” Briar said, nodding her head in confirmation. “Don’t forget you’ve killed a lot of people, and tried to crash the moon into the earth.”

Cherry perked up, “Whatever happened to the moon, anyway?”

“Got forgotten because it’s not important to the plot anymore,” Asahi said.

"No we must try to save daddy he is just confused!" Tanishashanqua say. She is so kind but I don't take that shit from no one so I smacked her getto ass face and she was all like "did u just fucing do that whore" and I was all like "fuck yeah you wanna go!?" and she pussied out. The ho.

He groaned and folded in on himself, “This hurts me as a reader. This really, really hurts me,” Asahi bemoaned.

"we are not worried you shouldn't worried about that" Edowerd say and we did not know why yet. He could tell us. He would tell us.

 "we must now fight esme, the wolves, and now chocolate love. These are three many [AN" see!? Instead of 2many I have 3many!] enemies to fight of!"

“That’s just so… stupid,” Asahi groaned, shaking his head and hunching over to stare at the floor. “Why does it have to be so stupid?”

“And why are ya fightin’ the wolves, now?” Cherry added. “I can understand Chocolove an’ Esme, but why are the wolves involved now? I thought you were cool with them.”

"Do not worry about him what we must worry about is the wolves. They are cuming to start the final battle vs the Collins" Jacub say. "But you can change life's tide like the waters of a waterfall can change the course of a farm" he also say.

“The only thing that can make this make any sense is that the wolves are fighting the Cullen’s because Esme broke the treaty,” Briar said, though her expression and tone gave away that it still didn’t make sense to her. “But his inspirational line…”

“Is so stupid,” Asahi finished.

"So if I direct the course of the farms I will be able to turn tide?" I say!? This was a chance!

“Yes, of course. If you change which way the farm is facing, you can change the course of the battle,” Asahi muttered, rolling his eyes at the inane idea.

"yes I believe so" bells say.

"bella I am sorry this happned we will find a way to get u back in ur uglyass body" I say and then she cryed a teardrop of joy becuz someone was nice to her in her fucking life.

“I’d be freakin’ delighted if after a lifetime of abuse, someone finally treated me like a human being,” Cherry said with a shrug. “Especially when I’m in this predicament because of the people around me and their abuse towards me.”

“She better put Bella back in her own body,” Asahi added with a low growl.

"we will deal with this nonsense hell tomorrow" edoweord say and we break the group of me, bella, Alicia, tanishahsnqua, alec, jacub, edowerd, and angela [but not really she will probably turn evil later don't spoil it though].

There was a collective groan as they all shared a thought; Don’t spoil it? She just spoiled it herself. How could someone be so stupid, this had to be intentional, there was no way someone was genuinely that dumb.

“It’s a crappy spoiler, I don’t think anyone would be surprised at this point,” Asahi muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. “You could say a walrus came in and ate Edward, and it wouldn’t even surprise anyone anymore.”

It was time to eat and shit and go to bed though. So I did. Bella went to slep in alicia's dollhose.

"Tomorrow I will fucking handle this bullshit" I say and go to bed.

“Tomorrow, you will undoubtedly make it all worse,” Briar corrected.

Cherry nodded her head, “That’s all ya do, you make things worse an’ worse.”

Chapter 35 – Working at McDonalds

Once again a silence took over the theater, brought on the by the title itself for this chapter. There had of course been asinine titles already, but this one took the cake. They had gone from moon battles, a vampire-werewolf war, and evil teachers to… working at McDonalds… Already they could tell that this chapter was going to be a trip. Even more than the past ones had felt like.

Needless to say, none of them looked forward to this.

The only saving grace was knowing there was only one chapter left after this, and then they would finally be free.

Today I woke up from my bed furiously.

“Waking up angry? Did you have a dream that Jacob admitted to wanting sex, of Alec talking about how much he likes Bella?” Briar asked, disinterested.

I used spellcheck on my paper so that when people like my teechors tried to make fun of it they would b wrong. And they are. And so it shall be!

“Oh, you finally learned how to use spellcheck? That’s great,” Asahi said, nodding his head in the smallest form of approval he dared give her. “Now, can you use that on your story? Please? I’m begging you for a readable chapter.”

“Better yet,” Cherry added, butting in as she leaned onto Asahi, “Bring back Yamama.”

"good morning Rebecca" doll bella not human bella said to me nicely. She is so nice ever sins she lost her boody bdecause she knows that I am trying hard to get it back!

Briar clicked her tongue, “Not hard enough, if at all,” she corrected. “You are the one who evicted her from her own body. If you were truly trying, you’d switch places with her; give her back her body while you inhabit a doll.”

 Thenshe made me EGGS

Asahi quirked a brow, “A doll made…eggs?” he repeated and looked around, “Are we suddenly in a Disney movie?”

"work harder you bitch" I say to her and she do. She is like the wicked stepmother.

“That’s not what being nice is,” Cherry complained, tugging at her hair. “Or wicked. The girl is makin’ ya breakfast, that’s not something a wicked stepmother would do. You tellin’ her to work harder an callin’ her a bitch is wicked stepmum material.”

Com to think of it yes that is exactly what she is aftr what she did to me.

“Swan has done nothing wrong, ever,” Asahi said, glaring at the screen. “She did nothing to you, while in comparison you have been a monster to her.”

 But that is another story. It was soething too terribul to write down or say out loud.

“AKA; ya don’t actually have anything to do or say. Ya just wanna make us hate her, but won’t give us any evidence she was bad to you,” Cherry countered with a frown. “You abused her for over thirty chapters, you’re not gonna make us suddenly think you were justified in all that.”

 I didn't want to think abut how she sent chardly to kill me. Charly was my friend until became my fiend due to bells's influx.

Briar groaned and massaged her temples, “No, she didn’t,” She said slowly. “Charlie didn’t want to kill you. You wanted to steal his keys and instead of doing something like… taking them while he was asleep, you decided killing him was the easiest and quickest solution, and then you tried to pin it on Bella. She had nothing to do with that incident.”

Asahi pulled a book from his bag, ready to throw it at the screen with his shoes, “Why can’t you just leave Swan alone? Is it really so hard for you to be decent?”

Then I realized I was so silly!

“Silly aint the word I’d use,” Cherry grumbled.

We didn't have school today I laughed and sighed. It was Saturday which is a weekend day! Tomorrow would be Sunday! Then would come Monday the day we went back to school to graduate and enter the worl das adults. I am ready to be an adult.

“Suddenly it’s graduation day… I don’t buy it. There woulda been more mention otherwise—oh, wait,” Cherry sscoffed, rolling her eyes. “TwilightRova can’t keep a solid timeline, she’s the queen of retconnin’ an’ makin’ up inconsistencies.”

Asahi nodded in agreement, “Plus,” he began, “Something tells me she doesn’t understand how the adult world works.”

Because it was not the weekstart I went to dairy queen to get siome ice creem because fuck u mainstream shits if you think ice cream is only eating at night.

Cherry and Asahi exchanged glances with each other. “Ice cream isn’t a ‘night only’ thing,” he said slowly, confused as to where this ‘mainstream’ mindset came from. “Afternoon ice cream is the perfect thing to get when on a date or with your family.”

“Yeah!” Cherry nodded in agreement. “Get some ice cream when you’re takin’ a break from skatin’ with your friends, walk around a park with a cone. That’s why they got them ice cream stands and trucks open all day. Who the fuck thinks ice cream is only for eatin’ at night?”

“TwilightRova’s pees, apparently,” Asahi shrugged.

 But no! I culdnt eat as much I wanted because bel;la's body was fucking fatass. Oh wait it was fat ass. Boys like fat ass so my ass aint gonna not stay fat you fuckers!

Briar made a face, clearly struggling to keep up. “So… your behind is going to stay fat?” she asked, uncertain. “Ain’t gonna not’ means it is. So it is staying as it is?”

Ignoring her struggle with the grammar and meaning, Asahi shrugged. “I guess some guys like butts. I’m not really one of them, don’t get the hyper fixation on if the butt is big or flat.”

Cherry grinned and elbowed him. “Oh?” she asked. “So you’re a tit man?”

“Not really?” Asahi said, shrugging once more. “I just… don’t care how they look?” he confessed.

"Yo homie what's up?" sed Tanishahsqnua who works hard at derry queen when she is not at school or fighting evil with me. "what can I get for you?"

"I want a fucking mcflurry"

Cherry gave a sharp, confused laugh. “A McFlurry?” she asked. “You’re at Dairy Queen ya pleb! Go to McDonalds if ya want that trash.”

"okay just one moment that will be $600" she say.

"NO THAT'S TOO MUCH CASH" I say.

“I hate to say it, but I agree. Six hundred is way too expensive for a McFlurry. They’re like… a few bucks.” Asahi said, shuddering at having agreed with Rebecca. “But… Since she’s making them go to McDonalds to get her a freaking McFlurry, I suppose it’s only fair she coughs up a few hundred dollars.”

"too bad bitch were in a recession" she sed to me but no! I took the mcflurry out of that whore Tanishashanqua's hands and left the store. What a bitch trying to steal my hjard earned cash. This was the money from chadley's life insurance how DARE she try to steal it from me! What did she who think she be!?

“And that justifies theft?” Briar asked. “Your logic is nonsense, which is honestly nothing new.”

Cherry yanked the book from Asahi’s hand and threw it at the screen. It went way further than the shoes had, but had lost it’s force by the time it reached the screen, causing no actual damage. “Bitch! Life insurance gained from murderin’ a man ain’t ‘hard earned cash’. It’s cash ya don’t deserve!”

 Then I saw Alicia drug deeling behind DQ so I went over to her to talk to her and show her light of god [AN: Rebecca stil worshops Judah from the bible not Judah chocolove you sick fuockers].

“As far as I can tell, they’re on in the same,” Asahi shrugged, “Are you just trying desperately to retcon Yamama’s amazing chapter? Are you that jealous that he wrote something good?”

"hey becca what's good" she say. She looked fuckign gorgeous in her red lipstick red cocktail dress. She say that it helps her to get all of the boys like Serkades before I fucing killed him for being dead earlier last arc.

Briar frowned, trying, again, to wrap her mind over the insanity that was this story. “You killed him for being dead?” she asked, unsure if she understood right. But who could blame her, no one really understood this story. Ultimately, she made the wise move of giving up. “Strange, I didn’t know dying was such a heinous crime that deserved execution.”

"not much" I sed sexily slurping my mcflurry. Unf I was so hot.

"Rebecca you don't do much. You should find a job. Try McDonalds down the street I think they are hiring!" she said fluently!

“Thanks, Alicia, for pointing that out,” Asahi said with a smirk and chuckle, shaking his head as he said it. “Swansin really does nothing of value. She just assaults and kills people, then calls it a day.”

Cherry nodded her head, “Plus, if you work at McDonalds, you won’t hafta pay several hundred dollars for a fuckin’ McFlurry.”

I went to McDonalds to go an get a job. "I NEED WORK" I said to the bartenders and they were all like "okay you are overkwalified but okay"

“First; McDonald’s isn’t a freaking bar. It’s a food place, they don’t sell beer in the U.S.,” Cherry said, holding up one finger, then she held up a second. “Secondly; As someone who works in the food industry I can say with certainty that Becca is far from overqualified. She’s unfriendly, uncooperative, an’ too prideful. Girl can’t swallow her pride an’ work a service job while remainin’ respectful to customers. Being respectful to anyone would kill her!”

 and so now I was behind counters! I waited for my fiorst customer when I saw him I culdnt believe who it was!

"bella why are you working at Mickey D's?" asked Rosally! She had escapd from Hell! BUT HOW!?

Asahi shrugged, “Think for a moment about who you’re talking to,” he said, unconcerned. “Did you really think Hell could hold her?”

"how be!?" I screemed at the top of my lungs! "I saw the molten sin drag you to hell, you cannot be!" I flummoxed!

“Cause it’s Rosalie.” Cherry emphasized.

Asahi nodded, “She’s badass, it was more a matter of how long it would take for her to escape than a question of if she would escape.”

"if you think that will stop me you have a lot of think to still do" she sad. "give me a goddamn double cheeseburger" say.

"that is money" I say.

“No,” Briar frowned, “that’s a double cheeseburger.”

"how about I fucing kill everyone here!?" she escalated!

With a chuckle, Briar nodded. “This time you’re right. That is escalation.”

"oh fuck that bullshit" I say and took my katan out and cut her gun in half but then she and I got into a martial arts routine and shit was flying everywhere the cops came to try and stop us but we wer moving at the speed of sound not quite light!

“Talk about working to get fired on day one,” Asahi muttered. “Please let her be fired, if she’s not going to be murdered, then at least fire her.”

"THIS MOON POWERED KATAN BRINGS DEATH!" I screem and chop Rosalie's gun into half!

“Sounds like anime BS,” Cherry said, rolling her eyes. Was this what happened to the moon? It got absorbed into her katana? Definitely anime bullshit.

"you fool I am not even using one tent of my power" she say and then her eyes turned red! Sort of like she was vamping out except not! We fught some more, and I dodged her bullits so they blew up the cash registurd!

"goddamit you have to pay for that" I say!

“Or rather, you can have it taken out of your check,” Asahi corrected, crossing his arms and looking wholly unimpressed. “You started this fight, so it’s only right you pay for the damages done by your tantrum. You’ll be entering the world of adults soon, so you need to learn to be responsible like one.”

To that, Cherry began cackling. “Becca? Responsible?” she asked between wheezes. “What a joke.”

"fuck you I'm bringing the cash to Esme!" she say and then enacted her assasinial duties and shot my manager. The bitch. I get my $$$ from him!

She was still laughing, grinning wide as she looked at the screen, “You’re so gonna get fired.”

"Idiot, I did not even use my strength" she say. Her strengthened bullits were no match for me though! But then they wer!

“Is anyone even surprised?” Briar asked, looked around, then sighed. “Not at all.”

Cherry rolled her eyes. “She’s just so overconfident in her abilities,” she muttered. “If we’re lucky, that will be her downfall.”

Oh no what do now!? Then rose left with the cash and McDonalds was fucing ruined.

"Rebecca you are fired for not stoping her it is your civic duty to protect people" my manager say in deathly breath.

"wait how the fuock do u know I am rebecac and not bella" I ask.

“Because you have to introduce yourself when you apply for a job, and you likely introduced yourself as Rebecca,” Briar sighed, shaking her head at the display of idiocy. “At least she got fired.”

"oshit" he say and dyied in my arms, a lover I never got to have.

“You don’t even know his name,” Asahi pinched the bridge of his nose, “How can he be the ‘lover you never got to have’ in that case?”

“I think she’s just so delusional that she thinks any guy is a potential lover, because the idea that they wouldn’t want her is just… incomprehensible,” Cherry suggested, and made a face, “The amount of narcissism to think that… it’s kinda gross.”

"Okay seriously fuck this shit" I angrily shoke and I left Mickey D's and went to find a new job becuz this one sucked donkey balls. Maybe I could teach at the indiend restraint where Jacub worked because at this rate forks is a crime zone that nobody shuld have to live in.

“You’re still a student yourself,” Asahi pointed out, dragging a hand down his face as the ridiculousness of this all choked him. “You need to go to college and get a teaching degree, and a teaching license, to do that. You can’t just walk in and say you want to be a teacher.”

Briar frowned and tilted her head, “That being said, what does ‘Forks is a crime zone’ have to do with this? Are you trying to imply you’ll change that by being a teacher?” she asked, and her frown deepened, “Because, if so, then you are ignoring the fact that virtually every problem that has occurred in Forks has had you at the center of it.”

Then it hit me like a semi! It was a semi actually but I am fine don't worry. As I flipped the biord to that fucing semi driver I had a thought and this thought was a good one!

“How did you—no, no,” Cherry muttered, shaking her head. “Of course. Of, fuckin’, course you survived being hit by a truck.”

I SHOULD BECOME A COP LIKE CHARDLEY BEFORE ME! I would take his mantle like the prodigigy I am and protect and serve all kinds!

Her frustration lessened as she looked at the screen. “I mean…” she began. “That’s not entirely bad. It ignores that you killed ‘im, an’ all that, but…”

Asahi cut her off with a hand on Cherry’s shoulder. “Wait for it.”

Except Mexicans I don't fucing like them.

He nodded, and with his free hand he flipped the screen off. “There it is.”

 I ran off to the polise station with Jacub! THIS WAS MY CHANCE!

“Your chance to make a bigger fool of yourself? To make us all hate you even more?” Briar asked with a hum, then a nod. “Why, yes. Yes this is.”

AN: I m now repoening this sextion to commints.\

“Oh, goodie,” Asahi said with a genuine smile, leaning forward and eager to read the sass previous readers had left. “My favorite part.”

"OMFG I can't believe Your writing skills! I like a good story Whether it's making fun of Bella or not I mean come on you are probably in 3rd or 4th grade I mean people like you shouldn't even be on this damn site.

Cherry kicked at her skateboard, bringing its wheels back to the ground as she rocked it back and forth. “They aren’t wrong,” she confirmed. “This was posted on Fanfiction.Net, and you gotta be thirteen to make an account, so if she’s a fourth grader, she ain’t supposed to be there.”

“Doesn’t stop avid and young writers from breaking the rules to write and post,” Asahi said, shrugging, “I don’t blame them, either. You shouldn’t have to wait until you are thirteen to be able to write a story and share it with the world.”

 I know 4th graders that sound like Albert Einstein Compared to you. Get some brains and grow up. -TheTruthDetecter"

“Username checks out,” Cherry said with a laugh.

Briar gave a soft clap, and a softer smile, “I couldn’t agree with you more, TheTruthDetector.”

Im soree, how did the operashin to remove that flagpole from your ass go you shitbrick?

“I hate to admit it, but I kind of like the comeback,” Asahi muttered. “I don’t like TwilightRova, not by a longshot, but I do like the comeback she gave. Minus the ‘you shit-brick’ part. That just feels like an unnecessary tumor tacked on.”

Briar nodded, “It’s an amusing comeback, but it also highlights the lack of maturity the author possesses.”

“I’m still holdin’ on hope that this is all just a bit an she’s really good at stayin’ in character,” Cherry admitted, “Cause if this is all genuine, I’d wanna bash my head onto said flagpole.”

AN: hahaha u fuckers srsly thugt that the old chaptr 35 was REEL u dumb shits!

“Because insulting what few readers you have is such a genius move for an author, really makes people want to stay and keep reading,” Asahi scoffed, rolling his eyes at the notion. “It’s a wonder why none of the best-selling authors, like Kawakami Mieko and Murakami Haruki,  don’t insult their reader base more often.”

It was may fools like april fools only more secret! Stupid shits.

“May fools isn’t even a thing, ya idiot,” Cherry snapped. “It’s April Fools.”

Briar frowned and looked to her, “You really have a day dedicated to mischief?” she asked, and when the girl gave a nod of confirmation, the Huntsman looked away, thinking it over. “That is… interesting.”

Chapter 35 – Saving Bella

“Are we really, finally, saving Swan?” Asahi asked, almost pleadingly. “That girl deserves the world and more after all she has been put through. So you better follow through and save her.”

Cherry gave a soft laugh; it was strained and tired. “Bella really has been put through the wringer in this fic.”

Today I woke up from my bed furiously. I used spellcheck on my paper so that when people like my teechors tried to make fun of it they would b wrong. And they are.

“I don’t think teachers criticizin’ your work for it’s awful spellin’ is wrong,” Cherry frowned, resting her elbow on the armrest of the seat and shifting her weight onto it, “Your story is awful. Plan an’ simple. I woulda gotten an F in all my classes if I handed in papers lookin’ like this.”

“As you should,” Asahi confirmed, nodding his head. “Something written like this is an automatic failure.”

 Otherwise I wuldnt have straight a's on all of my report cards you dumb shits!

Now it was Asahi who laughed, though his laugh almost sounded like a dying duck with a single ‘hah’. “Chances are she’s sleepin’ with the teachers to get those supposed A’s,” he said, and shuddered at the thought. “Nothin’ we’ve seen so far suggests she would get a grade higher than a D in any subject.”

“Even a D is being generous,” Briar muttered.

"good morning Rebecca" doll bella [AN: not human bella] said to me nicely. She is so nice ever sins she lost her boody bdecause she knows that I am trying hard to get it back!

Hadn’t they been over this already? Was this the Groundhog’s Day event?

“As was said before, if you were trying, really trying to get her body back, then you’d evict your own soul from her body into a doll, so her soul could take her body back,” Briar said slowly, frustration clear in her voice. “So, no. You are not trying at all to get her body back.”

Thenshe made me EGGS! Eggs are my fucking favorite breakfast fud. But then she burned them so you know what? Fuck that whore.

Asahi sighed, “You are so deep in the negatives in terms of the ‘I Am A Good Person’ tally, that it’s actually impressive,” he said, running a hand through his hair and pushing them from his forehead. “I didn’t think the score could get so low, but you truly have surpassed my expectations.”

“At this point, I think it’s safe to say you’re basically Satan,” Cherry added. “That’s just how terrible of a person you are.”

"work harder you bitch" I say to her and she do. She is like the wicked stepmother. Com to think of it yes that is exactly what she is aftr what she did to me. But that is another story. It was soething too terribul to write down or say out loud. I didn't want to think abut how she sent chardly to kill me. Charly was my friend until became my fiend due to bells's influx.

Again, déjà vu.

They’d complained about the stupidity of this already.

Cherry wrapped her hair around her wrist and gave it a soft tug, “We’ve already been through this,” she whined, closing her eyes as if that would make it all go away. “She’s just rehashin’ the same start to the last chapter, just making tiny changes.”

“Talk about lazy,” Asahi scoffed.

[AN: see!? It is really bella who is the problem, not Rebecca! Rebecca is so nice to even consider helping that ritzy biotch!]

“We’ve read this mess of a story, from start to now. We know this is far from the truth. Bella has shown no hint of being half as bad of a person as you make her out to be, she has done nothing to you beyond lash back against your cruelty,” Briar said, pulling her knife free and twirling it between deft fingers. “Rebecca is genuinely the worst person in this story.”

“I honestly didn’t think it was possible to write a person this bad, but here she is. She’s impossible to like, even in an ironic sense,” Asahi said, nodding his head as he crossed his ankles and leaned back. “Plus, if you want to show that someone is the real problem instead of your problematic lead, you don’t just go ‘she’s a jerk, see, she’s the real problem’. You show it through the story.”

Then I realized I was so silly! We didn't have school today I laughed and sighed. It was Saturday which is a weekend day! Tomorrow would be Sunday! Then would come Monday the day we went back to school to graduate and enter the worl das adults. I am ready to be an adult.

Asahi rolled his eyes, “No, you really aren’t,” he said. “Can you do taxes? Do you even know what taxes are? Can you change the oil in your car, or where to go to get that done? Do you know how to pay bills, or have a job that pays enough so you can pay your bills? Hell, do you have the mental maturity to act like an adult?”

“An’ the answer to all of that? A big, fat, no,” Cherry clapped.

Because it was not the weekstart I went to dairy queen to get siome ice creem because fuck u mainstream shits if you think ice cream is only eating at night. But no! I culdnt eat as much I wanted because bel;la's body was fucking fatass. Oh wait it was fat ass. Boys like fat ass so my ass aint gonna not stay fat you fuckers!

Briar sighed, sheathed her dagger into the damaged armrest and hung her head, “Please change the story. This is the exact same thing from the last chapter. No one wants to reread this mess.”

“So much for a ‘may fools’ chapter. Ya got lazy and just reposted the same thing,” Cherry muttered.

 Anyways I brought the doll bella with me because if she druve a car it wuld be some fucing weird ass chucky shit

“Finally,” Asahi sighed, “Something different.”

“An, to be fair, Bella wouldn’t even be able to reach the steerin’ wheel, let alone the pedals,” Cherry said, paused to think, and then added. “I don’t even think she’d be able to reach the gear shift.”

“Nah, she wouldn’t. They put her in the driver’s seat and they aren’t going anywhere,” Asahi agreed. “Not unless you tape sticks to her hands and feet, but then she wouldn’t be able to see where she was going, either.”

"Rebecca you look sexy" sed jacub

Briar hummed, then gave a soft, wry laugh. “Since Rebecca is in Bella’s body, he’s technically saying that Bella looks sexy,” she mused. “Which, makes sense considering canon. If we remove the uncomfortable baby aspect that happens.”

Asahi nodded, “I approve of this. Swan is as beautiful as her namesake, especially compared to Swansin. It’s good whenever someone acknowledges that.”

“I feel as if you only say that to spite Rebecca.”

Chuckling, Asahi turned to her with a slight grin. “It’s like when you see a puppy get repeatedly kicked, all you want to do is scoop it up and give it the love and affection it deserves so that it feels better.”

 as he came over to me. Jacub was looking even hotter than normal he was weering a soot. Soots are so fucing hot on men aren't they.

“Yeah, really brings out the ‘chimney sweeper’ appeal when ya cover yourself in soot,” Cherry said, unimpressed as she read through the text. “Why is everyone so obsessed with this dude?”

“Horniness,” Asahi replied bluntly.

I just wantd to fuck him on the table in the dairy queen but im in public so wtf I wouldn't ever do that! Fuck u if you don't think girls get hornly too!

Briar frowned, “Women have a libido as well. That’s not exclusive to men,” she said, and then her grown deepened, “But disregarding that. Why in the world would you write her being horny, and then complain about how ‘you wouldn’t do that ever’.”

"thanks stud I think you are smexy" I say and curdled with him lovinglee. We went to the park to go and find a bench to make the fuck out on when I saw something! It was Alicia selling her new drug. It was ten time better than pot so good that it stopped being pot, it became bowl.

“It better come in bowl shape in that case,” Asahi stated, crossing his arms over his chest.

Cherry, however, was frowning, “Did she just abandon Bella at Dairy Queen?”

“If she did, she had better have left her card, too. Swan deserves to bleed her dry.”

"Yo girl u wanna buy some bowl" Alicia offered. She is a function economy is this regard.

Briar hummed, “I suppose Alicia is essentially the God of the local drug trade,” she mused. “No one will try to force their way in on her territory.”

"No Alicia. You are wrong to pick this path in life" I say praying to my god Judah. She was so misled mayb I culd convert her back to normal one day.

“Don’t,” Cherry warned, leaning forward, preparing to get up if needed. “Leave her be an’ as she is. Alicia is so much more interestin’ than you. Plus, pretty sure Fork’s economy will collapse if she stops.”

"I need to afrod rent" she say because ever sins esme tried to kill every fuckign person at prom I burned the cullins hose down to kill esme but it didn't wrok. Even since the house was burned down we have all been living in an apartment. Tht was what we wer in last chapter you shit.

Slowly sitting back down, Cherry frowned, “An’ ya didn’t think to mention that last chapter?” she asked. “Sure isn’t the first time time ya burned a house down, but that would have at least been mildly interestin’. Way more than you being at Dairy Queen.”

Briar raised a hand slightly, “But if you burned down the Cullen’s house… how were you sleeping at the Cullen’s house?” she questioned, but then sighed. “Right, logic and consistency. Why did I even think to ask?”

Suddenly an earthquick haped and Rossey climed up out of the crack in the ground! FUCK!

“Hell still can’t contain the raw power that is her,” Asahi said with a proud smile. “She could take over if she wanted.”

"you goddamn motherfucing cunt Imma fucing kill Rebecca" she say! Her hare was longer and her boobs bunced wildly because she had to eat her bra to not strave to deth in hell!

Briar made a face, “She’s a vampire. Eating her bra would have done nothing, she’d have to drink a demon’s blood to survive.”

“This whole description of her feels like a men writin’ women moment,” Cherry complained, then stopped herself with a gasp. “Wait, wait, has TwilightRova been a dude this whole time?”

Pausing to think it over, Asahi snickered a little, “What a twist that would be.”

"wate she does not know that I am not bells!" jacub quiced silently to me! He was right!

"she is in Armenia" I say quckly and then rosalee come to me.

“With any hope, she’ll stay there,” Asahi said, his smile falling into a scowl.

"I will protect you from that sitch, do no worry" she villanously say and then started to summon something! "because esme is too fucing week I WILL KILL REBECCA MYSELF!"

Briar nodded, “Please, do. We have wished for nothing more than for her to be killed.”

“We’re puttin’ all our hopes an’ dreams on ya, Rosie!” Cherry added with a cheer.

then a satantic pentagram appeared on her fourhead and she glowed all evil and red and shit and summoned shit! It was 2 guys and French fucker!

"this is talsy, Hawko, and troy" she exposed wildly. Her hare went from blonde to beautiful fire red and her guns culd shoot fire I culd tell! "they will kill people Rebecca knows until she is ded!" then fuck rose because she flew off with satan's powers to Armena!

“Good. Good,” Asahi nodded, a wide smile spreading across his face. “She truly did take over Hell, and now she will use her newfound powers to end the plague that has behest the world by killing Swansin. Oh, happy day, I’ve waited for this moment since the first chapter.”

Cherry was cackling, “Man, I am excited! How are ya gonna do it, Rosalie? Please be brutal and gruesome!”

"sest un farse" the frenchy one sed! He had fucking nasty ass gross green skin he wasn't fucking hot at all. His skin was that way becuz he fuckign vomits all over himself the frunken shit.

Briar grimaced a little, “Okay, that’s gross.”

"por hitler nous allons twoer tous les dos" and then jacub stabed that mothafucker in the face and talsy took out a baguette and fucked with it and hacub stopped that frenchy.

His smile dropped immediately, “Oka, got my hopes up for nothing,” Asahi muttered. “Here I thought we were going to get something good, but clearly I was wrong.”

“Time for more bullshit,” Cherry complained, sagging in her chair and leaning her head back so she would stare up at the ceiling. “Yay.”

"REBECCA GET DOWN" Alicia said and shot troy one two three for five six seven ayt nine tims and it was fucing gory. Then a tree fell on him! BUT HE GOT UP!

"we are imbucked with satan's blood you cannot defeat us!" they say except the freech one!

“Maybe there is still hope,” Briar said, perking up a little. “Go on, kill Rebecca.”

"NOOOO" I screamed! I was horrored by this situation! Then Edowerd appeared! And Tanishashqnua! And Angela too!

"I prithee protect thou life" EDowerd say! "BECAUSE I STILL LOVE THEE" and then edowerd went all claws and clawed the fucing shit out of Talsys bagette and destroyed her beray [AN: it's a Fench hat].

“Ah, fuck,” Cherry groaned, shaking her head in absolute dread. “Don’t drag the Edward-Jacob love rivalry in here. We got enough bullshit to sift through, we don’t wanna deal with this, atop of it all!”

Asahi hunched over to stare at the floor, “Fuck that,” he muttered.

But troy stepped forward from his tree and it used vine whip to grab angela sort of like in hentai with the tentacles [AN: porn is wrong].

“Porn is fine,” Briar said with a frown, tilting her head to the side. “As long as it involves consenting adults, and is not distributed to children, there’s no issue with it.”

“I personally don’t see the appeal,” Asahi said with a shrug, “But I’m not going to go telling people who watch it that they’re in the wrong for it.”

She yelled like a cat in heat! A female one!

"HELP ME!" she say!

"this is satan's wood it will fill you with his evil" Hawked say. "feel the evil overtake your daddy's blood girl". He was so evil! What a fucker you shuld go to his profile and spam hate messages. He is worse thana fucer he is a diseased excuse for an abortion!

“As. So this is a real person she’s upset with,” Briar mused in understanding.

Cherry snickered, “He’s probably one of the people who called her out on shitty writin’,” she said, shaking her head.

"EVIL" angela say and then she was once again!

“Surprising absolutely no one,” Asahi deadpanned. “You already told us she was going to be evil again a few chapters back.”

Cherry sighed, tapping her foot impatiently against her skateboard, “I was hoping that there would be a little more… somethin’… to her being evil again. Somethin’ more than her just screamin’ ‘evil’ and that being it,” she admitted, shaking her head. “We really can’t have nice things here, can we?”

Asahi hummed, “No. We can’t.”

"fuck this shit" I waddled and then I took my new katana and slit troy's neck. His blood got all over my catholic schoolgirl miniskirt so I took off the miniskirt part and ran to my audi and got in it.

“Runnin’ about with no pants on?” Cherry asked with a dry chuckle, “talk about obscene.”

Jacub and Alicia and tasnishashanqua did to. But not edowerd. He wuld have to fucing dye right here if he ever wanted judahs forgiveness or salvashing.

“Rude,” Briar frowned, then thought it over, “Well, I suppose it is justified. He never did apologize for assaulting you. But on the other hand, you never apologized for stabbing him. So, you’re really a match by both being unapologetically awful.”

Asahi tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, “You know… when you think about it, it’s actually kind of funny,” he started, pausing as Cherry and Briar both looked at him. “When this story started, Swansin was all over him, horny for Cullen, going on and on about how ‘we are slowly falling in love’ and all of that stupid shit. Then, as soon as he admitted he would like to have sex with her one day, she’s actively hated him, replaced him with Black and continued to treat him like some awful person.”

Holding out his hands, Asahi continued to speak, “I thought for sure we’d reach the point where it all became an unnecessary love triangle and Swansin would go on a tirade about how she loves Cullen, but she loves Black, too, and she can’t decide between them, and it all end up as a harem situation,” he said. “But that never happened. It, thankfully, ended before it could reach that point, and Swansin has essentially spent the rest of the story just… not liking Cullen.”

Briar’s face twitched, a soft smile forming for a brief moment, “That is amusing,” she agreed. “I hadn’t thought of it like that. But the start of the story really built up that Edward and Rebecca would be our lead couple and… they weren’t.”

“There was barely any romance in this, especially after Edward’s ‘betrayal’,” Cherry added with a chuckle, “I mean, I ain’t complainin’, what with the romance drivel we had to read with the last story. This one was bad enough without ships being at the forefront of it all.”

As they spoke and discussed, the lights slowly flickered back on. At long last the story, the madness, the absolute nightmare that was The Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin was over. It had felt like days—weeks, even m since they had first sat down to read this story. Now that it was over, however, it felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted from their shoulders. It felt as if they could all breathe easy now.

“So…” Asahi began after a pause, his eyes having adjusted to the bright lights above them. Taking in a soft breath, he looked at his two companions carefully. “Final thoughts?”

Cherry looked at him, her expression like that of a woman who had just fought tooth and nail to climb out of Hell. “Asahi, Asahi, Asahi,” she shook her head at him, reaching out to rest her hand on his shoulder. “We’ll be here for months if we tried to list every crime an’ sin this story committed.”

She wasn’t wrong, and Asahi frowned, just thinking of it left his skin crawling. Never had he ever read something so… so terrible. “You’re right,” he conceded, shaking his head, “Let’s just say it was garbage and go home.”

“Garbage is being generous,” Briar remarked, digging her knife free from the seat and brushing pieces of plastic and foam off the blade. “I still cannot forgive how she needlessly abused Bella, and how they handled the…incident regarding Seth. It was disgusting.”

Letting out a short, sharp laugh, Asahi turned to Briar, “Don’t even get me started on Swan,” he warned, shaking his head. “This story has turned me into a Swan fan. And I hate that.”

Slowly, Briar stood from her seat, stretching her limbs. She shimmied away from her seat, this time uncaring of the trash she left on the floor and area. After what they had been subjected to, the host didn’t deserve the courtesy of her cleaning up after herself. “For what it is worth,” the Huntsman began as Asahi and Cherry began collecting their things. “As awful as it was… a part of me found the absurdity amusing. A small, very, very small part, mind you, but it was there, all the same. The ridiculousness of how Rebecca behaved and responded, coupled with how painfully obvious it was that the bad writing was intentional… and it’s hard to not get some laughs.”

Humming, Asahi stepped past her and began walking to the screen, collecting the shoes he’d thrown, and the book that Cherry had. “Chapter thirty-three is a good example of how this had to be intentionally bad. The quality improvement is too drastic,” he said, kneeling down to put on his shoes. “Either it’s intentional, or Yamama is a God for being able to take garbage and turn it into something good.”

“Tanishashanqua is pretty good example of that, too,” Cherry added, having zipped her bag shut to make sure nothing fell out and now moving to stand beside Briar, her skateboard tucked under an arm. “It’s spelled the same every time. If you really were as bad a writer as TwilightRova depicted herself as, ya wouldn’t be spelling that name right every time. I can barely say it, let alone spell. This whole fic was made just to troll readers.”

Asahi groaned as he recovered his book from the floor, seeing that the way it had landed had left a tear on the cover. “Raging against trollfic writers is a losing battle, the angrier you get the more fuel you give them… but it’s just so hard not to get angry with them when you’re reading the literary equivalent of pig slop.” He returned the book to his own bag, careful to not worsen the already damaged cover.

Shaking her head, Briar stared up at the screen, “I wouldn’t blame any of you if you do not wish to return to the next session,” she said, her voice neutral in a way that it was clear she was intentionally withholding any emotions, but the way she gripped her arm showed she was upset by what they had gone through. “I… I need time to rethink this endeavor. After what we read, I need to reconsider whether, going forward, this is worth the time and energy, especially if future stories echo this one in nature.”

Cherry watched her, and her expression softened, “Yeah, no, I get ya,” she said with a soft nod. “This one was rough, if you don’t want to come back, no one will be angry with you. But, if this is the last I see you, then I’m gonna miss ya.”

“Don’t force yourself to come back, but you will be greatly missed,” Asahi agreed, and looked to Cherry, “both of you.”

Not saying another word, but giving them each a nod and hint of a smile, Briar turned and left, striding away with long, purposeful steps, while she muttered softly about ‘McFlurries’, ‘Judah’, and ‘unjust murders’ before the door closed firmly behind her, leaving only Asahi and Cherry left inside the theater.

Sighing, Asahi adjusted his bag, preparing to leave as well. He needed rest, a few hours to recover mentally and physically from this ordeal before could bring himself to do anything else. More than anything, he just wanted his bed. But before he could take more than few steps he was stopped by a hand on his arm.

“Hey, Asahi?”

Turning, he looked over to Cherry, watching her hand let him go and fall at her side, and at the strange, pitying smile on her face. Something about it made his stomach twist. “Yeah?” he asked, slow and soft. Uncertain.

She gave a soft laugh, “I’m guessin’ this has been particularly rough for you, more so than for Briar an’ I,” she asked, though the way she said it, it came out more as a statement. “Sure, Briar had to deal with the transphobia an’ shit, but you’re the reader out of the three of us, so I can’t imagine how much you’re sufferin’ seein’ something you love bastardized like this.”

Asahi watched her for a quiet moment, trying to understand if there was something more to her remark and question, before letting his shoulders sag. “Thank you for the concern, Bolton, but I’m fine. Yes, I’m an avid reader and these… poor… attempts at writing upset me, but…” he shook his head and smiled softly. “Don’t discount your own feelings. This isn’t a ‘one is bothered by it more than the other’ situation.”

Her smile grew just a little, and she nodded, “Right,” she said, and laughed a little. “Right. Well, I should get going, then. It was nice seeing you again, Asahi. See you next week.”

She was already jogging up to the door before he could raise his hand to wave her goodbye. He didn’t correct her, say that they may not see each other again. This story may have been the final nail for all of them. Just like the Huntsman, he would need to rethink this experiment and his participation in it.

#Twilight #MST3k Style Riffing #MST #Fanfiction

[thetheatermst]

Fuck’s High School Pt. 3

Back into the fray, not one of the three looked at all happy to be back in their seats. Twenty-three chapters done, and they were only just past the halfway point. All three of them saw it as the bad sign that it was, and it affected their mood accordingly.

“I really don’t wanna do this,” Cherry groaned, nearly knocking her popcorn onto the floor as she slumped against Asahi. “This story is so bad. I just… I don’t wanna have to read any more of it.”

Asahi shrugged her off, causing more of her popcorn to spill onto the already messy floor. “Then go. The door is that way.”

“Yeah… but the money.”

Briar hummed, one hand on her lap, the other picking at the damage she had done to her seat. “The coin does make it hard to walk away,” she agreed.

Groaning, Asahi sank deep into his seat as he slouched. “Yeah… yeah. The money does make this a little more tolerable,” he reluctantly agreed. “Though we better be getting paid a substantial amount for this one. Who knows how much time and energy we’ve already wasted on TwilightRova, the least our generous host could do is to properly compensate us.”

“I’m gonna use the money to treat me an’ my friends to steak,” Cherry declared. “An' not just your run of the mill steak. I’m gonna go fancy and hit the fifty-dollar steaks. Because I deserve it after this. Expensive steak, savory aju sauce, great drinks, delicious sides, and a lava cake to top it all off.”

“Stop,” Asahi murmured, shaking his head. “You’re making me hungry for steak, now.”

Chuckling, Briar moved her hand from the plastic-foam carnage to join it with her other hand on her lap. “I won’t be getting steaks, but I do think with the coin I’ve earned, I’ll do some much needed improvements on my equipment. Perhaps I will spoil myself and enjoy a night in a more expensive tavern with some fine wine.”

Pushing at the both of them, Asahi turned to fix his glare on the screen. “Yeah, yeah. Keep dreaming about what you would do, but if you want the money, we need to get through the rest of this shitshow.”

As he said that, the lights began to dim, the telltale sign of the story about to resume, and moments later the screen flickered to life.

chapter 24 the new villain

Asahi’s eye was twitching, and he slowly made a helpless and furious gesture to the screen. “You’re adding a new villain?” he demanded, speaking slow and careful. “A new villain? When Swansin is already running free? You can’t do that, no villain you add will ever measure up to her crimes.”

AN: I did some artwurk for rebecca enjoi it! tel me wat u think abut it!

“Well, I suppose we should be thankful that the artwork was not included,” Briar said, crossing her arms over her chest as she said that. “I know nothing of your art skill, but the mental images alone have been enough torment, I would rather not have physical evidence.”

I got the estate which I looked at. It was a freaking beautiful shade of blue which reminded me of a cloudless summers day [AN: REBECCA IS SMART SHE READ SHAKESPEARE].

“A cloudless summer’s day has nothin’ to do with someone’s intelligence,” Cherry countered, rolling her eyes. “Anyone, literally anyone can relate a shade of blue to a type of weather. She ain’t special.”

Asahi opened his mouth and hesitated a moment before shaking his head. “Is she trying to reference Sonnet 18? Cause if she did, she didn’t even do it right,” he grimaced. “Look, Shakespeare isn’t my main read, but I respect the guy and his work, and he does not deserve it to be slandered in this.”

“What’s Sonnet 18?” Briar asked.

To that, he shrugged. “It’s sorta famous, at least where I’m from, by an equally famous poet. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? It’s a pretty iconic romantic poem.”

 I smiled on the side contordedly. I stood agast because the sight was so great to see!

Turning from Asahi, Briar had a slight grimace on her features, “I don’t think ‘aghast’ is the word you’re looking for,” she said, then paused. “Unless you truly are horrified by the house. Then maybe it’ll work.”

“The house is anti-environmental, so she is beyond aghast,” Cherry added.

 The walls of the estate were red because the Collins love blood and really tall to ward off Mexicans.

“Racism,” Asahi said with a frown. “Of course.”

“Nevermind that, didn’t she just say the house was a ‘beautiful shade of blue’ earlier?” Cherry demanded. “How did it turn red—did they bathe it in blood when we weren’t lookin’?”

“Honestly? I can see that happening.”

Finally we entered the compownd through the gates and we saw the house. It was at least 10 times bigger than my own house (before it burned down). I felt a ping of sadness growing expectantly in my heart from the void where I lost my house. But I had to go on and do good things to make up for my past sins.

“At least you’re trying to do good, I suppose,” Briar said with great reluctance. “It’s better than nothing.”

Asahi shook his head, sinking deeper into his seat as he angrily sipped through the not-environmentally-friendly straw of his drink. “Trust me. That ‘I must do good things’ bit will stop the moment Swan shows up.”

I saw a homeless person on my right as we enterd. Determined to do good I have him money so that he could start a new life. It was a lot of money. Trust me.

Cherry gave a soft huff, “Thought their house was s’possed to be secluded,” she muttered. “Ya know? Give them privacy to be who they are away from pryin’ eyes. So why’s a homeless dude just hanging around?”

“Probably isn’t a random hobo, likely just Jasper, cause she hates him almost as much as she hates Bella,” Briar countered.

 Anyways then we went into the hose but then we went right back out to see Edowerd's gazeebo.

"This is the Gazebo" edowrd said pointing at the gazebo.

“And this is the Department of Redundancy Department,” Asahi retorted.

It was a huge gazeebo outside near the beyutiful flowers. It was cloudy and sunny through the parts of the sky that weren't cloudy.

“Is it cloudy or not?” Cherry demanded, “Ya can’t say it’s cloudy and sunny! Those are two different types of weather!”

A single beam of light appeard and glinted down on me. It was simbolic of me being a gud person deep down [AN: STOP HATING ON REBEKA SHES NOT A BAD PURSON SHES ACSHUALLY MISUNDERSTUD!].

“No, no,” Briar shook her head. “She is not a good person. Good people don’t just abuse and kill others because they want to. There is no ‘misunderstanding’ going on. Your character openly abuses and harms others, and kills when death is not necessary. Those are not traits of a good person.”

Asahi shrugged, rolling his eyes “That beam of light is just God focusing in on her so that he doesn’t miss when he brings out the meteor.”

"It is a nice Gazebo!" I said happily but falsely. What edowerd didn't know is that I was starting to forgive him for his trespasses against me.

Cherry let out a muffled scream. “Edward did nothin’ wrong!”

Then we went inside the gazebo. It had beautiful Roman and Greek arcitecture

She let out another muffled scream. “No! No, no, no!” Cherry yelled, jumping to her feet and making an X with her arms. “We are not bringing back in the Greco-Roman gods in this. This ain’t gonna be a Harry’s Destiny twist!”

which assured me of the Collin's wealth.

Slowly tugging Cherry back into her seat, Briar raised a brow to the screen. “I just noticed, but she likes to use the word ‘assured’ a lot.”

“Huh,” Asahi hummed. “Now that you mention it, it is overused. Also, why the hell does it matter to her if the Cullen’s are wealthy?”

“The greed of humans.”

"Now let's see the house" Alicica said. We walked past the drug lab were Alicia made her gods when she wasn't at school.

Sighing, Cherry gave up and collapsed back in her seat. “Sure, why struggle to find God when ya can just make one in your basement?” she asked. “Sounds legit.”

Ever since she invented a cure for aids she was richer than anyone could ever imagine.

“She cured AIDS, huh?” Asahi asked, crossing his arms over his chest and raising an eyebrow. “That’s a good thing, actually. I’m glad. Though knowing Americans, she’s probably overcharging it by a substantial amount, like they do for EpiPens.”

“They overcharge for medical necessities?” Briar asked.

Cherry nodded her head. “Yup, America; land of ‘make the rich richer and the poor poorer’. Something that makes like twenty bucks to make gets charged two-hundred, and that’s if you’re lucky.”

“Here, something like insulin costs a little under two thousand yen—that’s like about fifteen dollars. America charges ninety dollars—if you’re lucky, as Bolton put it,” Asahi explained to the Huntsman.

“Some people pay upward to a thousand monthly for it,” Cherry added.

Briar frowned, her tightening mouth twisting into something of clear displeasure. “That’s… that shouldn’t be right,” she said slowly, uncertainly, looking around questioningly. “How is that okay?”

“Because America likes to fill the pockets of the rich an’ say fuck you to middle an’ lower class citizens.”

 We went inside the Collins hose. It was HUGE. It had a TV and a kitchen and a table and everything.

“As opposed to the houses that don’t got tables an’ kitchens,” Cherry snarked.

Then Alice took me up to her bedroom and gave me new clothes as she prepared her rum for having 2 people.

“Except that she shares her room with your favorite Hale; her boyfriend-slash-husband,” Asahi corrected with a frown. “So, really, we’re looking at her preparing her room for three people to share.”

 Edowerd and jakub couldn't cum up because their boys and boys shouldn't be in girls rums [AN: you here that you sickos].

“But Jasper, her mate, is an exception,” Briar drawled. “Does she not understand that married couples share beds?”

 Anyways Alicia gave me a pink turtleneck with sleeves to the hands and a red catholic schoolgirl miniskirt and black pantyhose. It looked so god with my purple raven hare with golden streaks.

“Why’s she always got to keep talking about her hare?” Cherry asked, “We get it, ya got a pet, shut up about it.”

“I feel bad for it,” Asahi murmured. “She’s dyed it’s fur and then painted gold streaks through it. I doubt the dye is even safe for animal use.

Tanishashanqua also equips something like that she had a white dress shirt with blue kaki jeans with shoes. Alicia stilt kept on her drug dealer uniform. After that we all made fiendship bracelets so that we would know that we would never abandoned one another ever agin.

Briar sighed, “Give it a few chapters, you’ll be at each other’s throats in no time.”

"Yo homie this shit be gold" tanishashanqua seed happily.

"Okay guys let's see the rest of the house" I said. If it weren't for me reminding everyone of everything we would never get places on time.

“Actin’ like your friends are dumb, that ain’t a ‘good person’ thing,” Cherry said, making another mental tally of how many ‘not good people things’ the so called ‘good person’ Rebecca did. “Plus, it ain’t your house. If Alice wants to keep hanging out here, then you keep hanging out here.”

Then Alice showed us the Bathroom on the basement floor. There was also a winery and a gym and a basketball curt.

“Their basement is sizable,” Briar commented. “Does it also have a dungeon?”

“Probably. But right now ya can get drunk outta your mind, an’ then play some hoops!”

Then on the middle basement floor there was a secret passage to the Armory. Then Alice showed us the dungeon.

“Yep, there’s the dungeon,” Asahi nodded, “Not just a dungeon, but also an armory. This is just… ridiculous levels of design.”

"Guys don't let Esme know that I showed you this" Alice said qualitly. We all shook our heads in assumption so she would know that we wouldn't betray.

“Ah, yes, showing your friends things your mom doesn’t want you showing them,” Asahi sighed, “Shouldn’t she have known if they would betray her or not? She has future vision.”

“Does she though?” Cherry asked. “There’s not been one mention of any of their powers.”

“Fuck, you’re right.”

Then we saw the videoguming rum. It was nice and big. Then I saw EDowerd's piano. Rossey's room had lots of guns and ammo and grenades. Alicia's room had lots of pink.

“You know ya coulda used the wiki to know what their house looked like, right?” Cherry asked.

"This doth be Emmets Roometh" Edowerd sed as we entered Emmet's rum. It was dark with pink stripes. Emmet was listening to Lady Gage's "Born this way". I would have moshed with him to the music but only fucking stupid Goths and emo shits mosh. So instead we all danced normally.

“Ah, insulting goths and emos. Still proving that you’re not a good person,” Asahi shook his head. “Anyone can mosh, it’s not just for them.”

 But suddenly there was a HUGE FUCKING NOISE from the front of the house!

"OPEN UP MOTHERFUCKERS" said the door!

“’How about we don’t!’ the wall retorted.” Cherry replied with a high pitched tone.

"SHIT! THE COPS!" Alicia said as she got her gun out.

"No wait let me talk to them" Jacobo said. Then he took off his shirt and opened the door. There were two more cops.

“Because a shirtless fifteen-year-old is a surefire way to get rid of cops,” Asahi rolled his eyes.

"Hello Rebecca. We are here to say sorry. We couldn't find Chadley's murderer. We thought that there might be evidence in the murder sene but now the Murder Scene has been burned down! Do you know who did it?" They asked.

“The culprit for both is Swansin.”

 Jakub nodded towards me. I remember that before he said it was okay to do bad things but only if they were for good reasons. So I lied.

"It was esme." I said. Edowerd and Tanishashanqua and Alicia and Jacob all nodded chalantly.

“You know,” Briar began, “I don’t quite understand why Esme is getting such hate. It’s nothing compared to the hate Bella gets, but Esme was a genuinely nice person in canon for the most part.”

“The author doesn’t care, she needs her punchin’ bags,” Cherry replied.

"Bitch please" Someone who looked like Esme said

“But only ‘looked’ like her,” Asahi added. “It’s clearly, totally not the real matriarch of the family, just a doppleganger.”

 as she went into the room. Then she took out a knife and stabbed the two cops and then ate them. It was... ESME!

Cherry rolled her eyes, “So, the chick who looked like Esme and ate the cops really was Esme. Shocker.”

Esme was standing there all eviliy and everything. She was dressed in a business women's suit and was easily taller than jakub. She had a black dress on too.

“Is she wearing a dress or a business suit?” Asahi asked, squinting at the screen.

“She could be wearing the dress over the suit,” came the Huntsman’s answer, though equally uncertain and confused.

She had dark golden hair which went down to her back and also had leopard highlights. Her front tooth was missing but we didn't bring it up. Not even Rosalie because even Rosalie was afrade of that mega fuckking egotistical biotch Esme.

“Seriously, though,” Cherry yelled, raising her hands to the air, “What did Esme do? She’s nice!”

"By the way you bitches all need to go back to school tommorrow." Esme sed.

“That’s why she’s evil,” Briar nodded. “Forcing them to go to school.”

"What!? Why!?" Alice asked

"Shit's fucked up yo. People be dead and shit." Tanishashanqua sed.

“And who’s fault is that?” Asahi asked, frowning. “Who started fights and killing sprees in the school? Who is responsible for every ounce of bullshit that’s happened?” He paused, waited a few seconds, and clapped his hands together. “That’s right! Swansin and co!”

"Too bad you bitches. I'm the new prinsipul and I say that school goes back tomorrow. And I hired new teechors too." She sed, pointing at ME! "ALL TO GET YOU, REBECCA! MY ENEMY! I WILL KILL YOU BEFORE THE WEEK ENDS!" she warned super evily.

“Are we ever going to learn why people want to kill Swansin? Of course, not,” Asahi said and shook his head.

Briar shrugged, “I know full well why I wish to kill her,” she said. “But for the others? Likely for revenge for all the horrible things she has done and will do.”

"FUCK YOU BITCH" I sed. I almost attacked her with my katana but I stopped myself because we wuld need Rosalie to take down Esme and this wasn't a good time.

“Also; Esme is a vampire and will fuck you up,” Cherry reminded.

"HAHAHA! YOU WISH BITCH!" she said! "BY THE WAY I HAVE HIRD THE VULTURE TO TEACH CLASSES!" she screamed! Then she jumped out the window and left!

Sighing, Briar massaged the bridge of her nose. “…Yes, because Volturi would have happily stopped their own, very important work as the strongest, and largest coven charged with keeping vampires secret from society, and leave all that behind to teach a high school in a small, rainy town.”

“It makes no sense,” Asahi groaned.

"Who the fuck are the vulture" Jakub.

“Vultures are a type of bird that eat carcasses,” Cherry said. “Come on, dude, everyone knows what vultures are.”

 I knew the answer becausemy friend Claritee had gotten away from them as a kid. But i deicded to let Edowerd have a moment of intelligence before he acted like a stupid fucking bitch again.

“Back to insulting Edward,” Asahi said rolling his eyes. “You really are collecting those ‘nice girl’ points.”

"They are the vampiores who have superpowers" Edowerd send as he came.

“Every vampire has a power,” Briar said, and then shook her head, “No, as Cherry already said, the Cullen’s don’t. There’s been no mention of Edward reading minds or Alice seeing the future. Because that’d just make too much sense.”

 He was now in the room. "Do not worry Rebecca weeth caneth defeateth them." He salon said cleanly.

Then Jakub left but tanishashanqua didn't because she was sleeping over with us too. I deeply but silently wondered just what that fucking bitch esme meant when she said that she would kill me.

“She means she will kill you,” Asahi answered. “It’s not that deep.”

 But then i stopped thinking

Snorting, Chery sank in her seat and smirked, “As if you ever had a coherent thought to begin with.”

and went to bed for the night.

chapter 25 - Religin class

“Oh, joy,” Briar shook her head. “Religion. Not a good sign.”

Today it was tiem to go to scool unce agin. I got out my new bead in alicias rum. I luked out the window were I saw that it was snowing outsied. Wich was werd because normally in furks it doesnt snow onlee rain.

I mean I caem to furks for the rain in the first place so why the fuock didn't it rain more often.

“Not a fan of rain myself, makes it harder to skate around,” Cherry said with a shrug. “I like it sunny and dry.”

“Agreed. Rain can be tedious, makes for harder work,” Briar nodded.

I shuke my hand at Judah in the sky before gettin dresed in my new outfit for scool. I equipd my anti raep catana and my shotgun in case I had to kil esme or jessie or vitorio or james.

“At least Meowth is safe,” Asahi shrugged.

Wen I got to the dur with Tanishashanqua and alice I saw edowerd and Jacob. Even tho it was snowing jakub didn't hav a shirt on so I got to see his fucking sexy hot indian abs. Judah fucking dammit I wanted to do him right here but it was fucking cold out so I didnt.

Briar raised a brow, “And not because of your supposed vow of abstinence?”

"hi jakub" I sed to him sexily as I culd.

"hi Rebecca. You luk good today." He told me. then Jakub caem.

“Gross,” Asahi said, grimacing while Cherry made retching noises.

We then huged in front of everyune. He was so warm so I hung on ti hum as he ran to scool. Becuz hes a werewolf he has super speed he can just taek me places. Alicia and edowerd and tansishanqua had to taek the car tho but it was oaky they sped along the road next to us. I waved to Alicia as she drove.

“Vampires have superspeed, too. Or did you just forget all the vampires having any power besides immortality and blood-drinking?” Briar asked.

Rolling his eyes, Asahi leaned back into his seat, “I think we’ve established that she did.”

Jakub droped me on the ice wen we got to scool. Hes a werewolf so he goes to scool in an indian restarant.

Still leaning back, he raised an eyebrow. “I think that Black going to school on the reservation has more to do with him being Native American and, you know, living on the reservation than it does with him being a werewolf,” he pointed out, then paused to think it over. “Though, I suppose that begs the question of why you keep bringing the pack into Fuck’s High when you said yourself that they go to school at a restaurant.”

“Oh, man,” Cherry said with something of a groan and a laugh, “I actually forgot she said they go to school at a freakin’ restaurant.”

 He left but onlee after litly kissing me goodbi. Wen I luked up he was gone. I frowned. Then I saw edowerd Alicia and Tanishashanqua all cum over together. Claritee was there too.

Briar blinked and leaned forward just slightly in her seat, “Huh,” she said after a slight pause. “I truly did not expect to see her again.”

"yo homie wats that" Tanishashanqua sed as she ponted her ring finger over at the scool bilding. The building was still smoky and brokin from when cops jumprfd though the windows and shot at everything.

“Really?” Cherry asked, gesticulating at the screen, “They couldn’t clean the school up first before makin’ everyone go back?”

“The smoke and glass shards adds enrichment,” Asahi deadpanned.

There was stil blud on some of the walls and edowerd and Alicia started getting off on it. Tasnishashanqua and me both thought it was fucking weird.

“I do hate agreeing with her, but it is really fucking weird,” Briar conceded with a face of disgust.

 Then Edowerd and me both luked shrewdlee at wat was happening. First there was a bunch of new students. One of them was a gai the other one was a gurl. both of them were obviuslee new. They were walking right towards us at fast speds.

“If we’re lucky then they’ll run her over and she’ll be dead,” Asahi said and tilted his head to the side and then back again with a sigh. “But, we’re not lucky.”

"hi my names Rebecca whtas yours" I asked the boy.

“The girl isn’t important,” Briar drawled.

The boy was a mega ultra fucking hottie but I didn't get to see his abes so I didn't no if he was actualee hotter han jakub.

“I’m really hoping that the author’s a teen,” Cherry said with a shudder, “Cause I dunno about y’all, but the way she keeps sexualizing everyone makes me really uncomfortable. Like these are high schoolers, my age range, and if she’s not a teen then having an adult talk on an’ on about how hot Jacob is, is just…”

She made a retching gesture.

 He was realy pail but not like that foucking sick transecual caspor.

Taking in a deep breath, Briar closed her eyes and tilted her head back. “We’re back to this bullshit. Great.”

 He also had gorjus blue lipstick on. He was angry then shoked and finaly calm as he spuked up.

"I am zAlec" he sed. "this is my sistor she is Kane" he sed waving his arms arund at his sister. She was just liek him onlee with bubs and a vajayjay and no you-know-what.

“Well, Zalec is an interesting thing to name your child,” Asahi frowned. “But… it has a strange sort of charm to.”

She had a pink corset on with a matching dress. she luked like mary antwonet except without the wig and without looking ugly.

“I’m sure she’s very beautiful,” Cherry countered with a huff.

"well okay that's niec" I sed as edowerd tasniahsshanqua Alicia and me all went to religion class wich was the first class of the dayu. But then Zalec caem too becuz it turned out that he was aslo in the clas with us.

“Run, Zalec, run, while you still can,” Asahi warned.

 We weer going to religion class which was taught by Carliel who is a paster of the romin orthodoks crutch.

“Of course, because Carlisle would willingly give up a very lucrative and noble job as a doctor to become a pastor and teacher,” Briar said, shaking her head. “At least Rosalie is bringing in enough money to support a family of seven.”

“Not to mention that she has the wrong church. He’s from the Angelican church, not the Orthodox,” Asahi complained, running a hand down his face. “They’re two different churches.”

Claritee kept looking at Alec the entire time and nobuddy paid any attenshin to that hag Jane.

"hello I am fathor carlye and this is religion class" sed carlyse the fucking gorjus fathor of the collins. Calisle was even older than edowerd and alicai combined wich was really fuocking old.

“Fun fact,” Cherry said, clapping her hands together with a stiff smile. “Jasper is technically the second oldest of the Cullens. While Carlisle turned back in the 1600’s, Jasper became a vampire in the 1860’s. While your precious Edward didn’t become a vampire until the early 1900’s.” She paused for a moment to let that knowledge sink in. “So this was all long after the ‘doth’ and ‘thy’s went outta fashion!”

“As if she cares,” Asahi grumbled.

 Im not sure why but he didn't have an aksent and instead just spouke ina normal fucking sexy british accent. He also was pail. Wen calyse found god he become a fathor to spred the wurd of jesus crist to everybody.

 Normily scool wuldnt allows him to teech becuz of the amendment but becuz hes esmes husbando he can teech religion now.

Groaning, Asahi buried his face in his hands. “Religion classes and religious teachings are two different things,” he hissed between clenched teeth. “A religion class teaches you about religion, when different religions were founded, what society was like, how it was treated. Etcetera, etcetera. Religion class is supposed to be an unbiased, academical point of view on numerous religions.”

“There should be no problem with him teaching religion, so long as he’s objective about it and does not try to convert students,” Briar added.

 I thught this was fuocking STUPID BECUZ RELIGION SHOULD BE FREE and I wantd to follo Judah and not the propped up fals god befor me.

“I’m still tryin’ to figure out if Judah is supposed to be God for Judaism, or some new fictional god for the story,” Cherry muttered as she tugged on a pigtail.

 "Here verybudy taek a free bibul for class" he sed.

"NO FUOCK YOU YOU MOTHERFUOCKER" I SCREEMD as I tuk my anti raep catana and cut the bibul in haf. Then Carlyle gaev me a new bibul becuz he sed the lord had spaers so wen calyse told us to use the bibles I said no and riped mine in half and chuckd it out the window.

“Destruction of a religious text, another point for Swansin’s ‘I’m a wonderful person’ tally,” Asahi said with a roll of his eyes.

Briar sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Is the inability to accept multiple gods this horrible?” she asked. “I follow the Grand Hunter, but I have no issue with those who worship any other god.”

"who can explain this verse" he asked politly. Then he pickd on Tanishashanqua becuz hes a rasist. "tell me tasnishashanqua why guns cant make noise in this verse" he pointed at the sun and got down and prayd as he asked the question.

“What does her race have to do with her being asked to read from the book?” Briar asked, moving her hand from her face, and then looked around in more confusion, “And what do guns have to do with it?”

“I’d say nothing at all…” Asahi began, sinking into his seat. “But it’s America. They would marry a gun if they could.”

Cherry shrugged, “Pretty sure half our government wants to.”

"gun cant sound motherfucker" Tanishashanqua began. "but neither can peace." She finished.

Leaning forward, Cherry wiped a fake tear away, “So beautiful.”

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN A NEW TEECHOR CAEM TO THE CLASS….. IT WAS ARROW!

“Is it Red Arrow or Green Arrow?” Asahi asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s very important, and the answer will affect my mood going forward.”

“As if your mood isn’t already sour as lemon drops,” Cherry snickered.

Chapter 25 - the betrayal

“All right,” Briar nodded, crossing her legs, and playing with her dagger. “Who, this chapter, admits they would like to sleep with Rebecca and gets called a rapist scumbag for it? Who does she manipulate into making a sexual advance on her only to demonize them for following through?”

“My bet is on Black,” Asahi said.

IT WAS ARROW! Arrow was a new teecher here at furks high ever sinc eseme becaem the new scool psinsipul becuz i had the kil the old one becuz he wuz evil and a vampior slayar.

“He didn’t even do anything wrong,” Cherry complained. “Ya broke into his office, then killed him when he demanded to know why!”

“He was also bald, which meant he was evil,” Asahi corrected.

But then i stoped and luked out the window away from hi mand carlisle becuz i thought i saw something in the grass outsied. But it was just a boyd.

“A… boyd? A body?” Briar asked. “You saw a body outside?”

“Probably one of her victims,” Cherry said through a handful of popcorn.

Watever then i luked back and arrow had ogtten up n the table wich fathor carlisle was supposed to be on. He kickd all the bibuls off becuz he realizes that criteenity is fuocking stupid and that judah is the way to go i hopped.

Sighing, Asahi massaged his temples. “Look, I am not a religious person. I lean more towards atheism and agnosticism most days. But even if I’m not a devout believer, I don’t treat others like shit because they are,” he said, and gestured to the screen. “What Swansin is doing is being a jerk. As per usual.”

"what the fuck is he doing motherfuocker" tanishahsnqua asked me. Then clarity cum to us and told us something.

"im not sure but hes the new lootenant of the scool polise" she sed.

Lowering his arm, Asahi frowned and looked over to Cherry. “Do American schools actually have police in them?” he asked, bewildered as fuck.

Cherry just shrugged. “We have resource officers, who are technically cops, but for the most part useless and just around to make sure you don’t got weed in your locker and nothing else.”

 I noded caerfuly. Clarity had fund out about my secret lately. She new that i kiled chadley but she also new that i didnt really meen it and that he understood me and that i was atoneing for my actions now.

“Your idea of atonement is questionable,” Briar muttered. “And how did you not ‘mean it’? You went in there very intent on killing Charlie. Over a key.”

i luked into her cristel like eys and new that i had a feind forever with her.

"WHAT THE FUOCK" cristal shouted when she saw arro who is a meember of the vulture.

“Don’t scream, ya idiot!” Cherry shouted, “That’ll get his attention!”

 The vulture killed her parents when she was yung. Now she is a vampire becuz of them. I wuld fele bad but clarity just wont get over it so wtf am i suposed to say to someone whos complaing abut their deed parents for the millinth time for yeers.

Sighing, Asahi dragged a hand down his face. “Yeah, because being a good friend means being resentful towards someone for their trauma of having their parent murdered. You are certainly winning as the biggest douche in the universe.”

“Ya don’t just get over your parents being murdered! You don’t just get over bein’ forcibly turned into a vampire!” Cherry yelled. “How are you such a nightmare?”

 I meen my parents lucked me in a basement for yeers but u dont see me telling peepul.

“I see we can check off her ‘trauma filled background’.” Briar said, miming a checkmark.

Anyways arrow opene his muth and out caem words.

"I AM HEER TO ANUNCE THAT dERE WILL BE A DANSE THIS CUMING FRIDAY NITE AND UR ALL INVITED!" arrow sed from the ceeling wich he had climbed up to sins hes a volture!

“Weird flex, but okay,” Cherry muttered.

"BUT IF U DUNT CUM ULL FAIL RELIGION!" he sed evilly! "AND IF U DONT HAV A DAET U CANT CUM EETHER! AHAHAHAHA!" He sed before he turend into a bat and left the classrum.

“For the group in charge of making sure vampires remain secret… they are doing awful at keeping their vampirism a secret,” Briar pointed out.

“What’s worse is we’re required to attend school dances, now! The horror!” Cherry complained.

Then class was over becuz father calisly had to give bat the chase becuz it actualee was arrow. Clarity Edoward Alicai Tanishashanqua Salec me and the hag Jane all waked down the hals togethur.

Asahi frowned, “Is she the new Swan? Because I feel sorry for her already.”

"hey rebeca hu won the elecshin" asked alicai. "i voted for u even tho rosalies my sis dont tell her or ill fuck u up" she sed quietlee. I noded my hed.

Briar held out her hands, her face aghast with horror, “What have you done, Alicia?” she demanded. “You’ve doomed us all!”

"um i no" sed Alex hu was a quite small boy hu was beyutiful. "it wil be anunced at the danse" he sed

"how do you no that" tanishashanqua sed

"arrow is... MY FATHOR!" he reveeled and then grabed that fuocking bitch ane's arm and ran down the hal.

“Yes,” Cherry nodded, “but actually no.”

“I suppose if he turned the twins into vampires, he could be considered their father,” Asahi allowed. “But, he’s technically not their father, not in the same way the Cullen family works.”

But when he was running jane let go and aciduntly steped in rosey's peth wich rosey didn't liek. But rossey thinks shes go grate she let hur of with a warning.

"bitch dunt do that agin" she sed and dicked her gun.

Asahi winced, “That sounds… very uncomfortable.”

"wtf rebecca u hav a posse now u miseryabull cunt" i luked it and it was bella hu luked haf emo and haf skanc. She had white fishnte stalkings and a black waste belt and upsieddown hipster glaosses. She had a blacke and gray flannel top on too wich was why she was so emo.

“No, Bella,” Cherry begged, watching with worry, “No, you don’t wanna be here. Get out, please!”

 Then al of a suden ALEC CAEM BACK!

"wtf do u want ho" i asked but then remebered to be gud to repeent "im sorry, i mean wat is it". Claritee and alicai saw how hurd it was for me to be niace to that fuocking biotch so they smieled at me.

The group blinked, taking the moment in with an air of uncertainty.

Asahi was the first to break the silence with a slight cough, “Wow…” he began. “She actually apologized to Swan. “I mean, it’s a shit apology, but it’s an apology. I didn’t think Swansin was capable of saying those two words.”

“I think this deserves a point to be removed from her tally,” Cherry decided.

"i jsut want to tell u that you suck. And stink. And can go fuock an elephent." Then she turned and walked away. This is the fuocking thanks i get for hepling to protekt her from angela yesterday god fuocking dammit.

“Protect?” Briar asked with a scoff, “You did no such thing. You tied her in a bathroom stall, and when Angela was after you, you demanded she go after Bella instead. You said, and I quote; ‘No, get Bella. She’s tied up.’.”

Asahi nodded his head in agreement. “Not to mention you tried to frame her for the murder of her father,” he reminded sharply. “A murder you committed.”

 I waentd to cry becuz angela hadnt kiled her but then i stoped and went insied my mind and smacked my inner biotch and told her to stop being suoch a biotch.

“An’ now you wanna cry cause Angela didn’t kill her,” Cherry rolled her eyes. “Make up your mind, ya idiot! Were you tryin’ to protect her, or sacrifice her?”

"who is that gurl" alec sed starrily.

"shes bella shes a biotch" i sed.

"shes beyutiful" he sed dreemilee.

Asahi leapt to his feet, clapping his hands together, “Yes!” he yelled. “Yes, Zalec, she is. Thank you, for noticing her and appreciating her!”

I culdnt staend the thught of him lusting ofter such a fuocking hore so i decided to set him strate.

"no u don't want to get involved with her. Right edowerd?" i asked.

"yes milday doth not wanteth toeth get involvedeth with that ho" he concluded poste hayste. But then in the moment jane saw everyting going on.

“It’s like she’s trying to be Regina George, but being too mean, even for Regina,” Cherry commented. “Like, guys, just let him be with Bella. Stop tryin’ to involve yourselves with other people’s love lives!”

"WHATS RONG WITH U AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH ?!" she asked wile crying. It was disgusting becuz snot and teers wer runingn down her faec. Then she ran off into the girls bathrum so alicai claritee me and tanishashanqua folowed her wile edowerd went to go beet up dalec for being such a doosh.

“There are… several questionable things about this,” Briar began with mild hesitation. “First, Alec did nothing wrong but say he thought Bella was beautiful. That does not make him a douche. Secondly; Jane is his sister. Is the author trying to push incest?”

“Oh, the author is absolutely trying to push incest,” Asahi confirmed.

"girl dont worry ur beyutiful" alicai pated jahne on the back caerfully.

"yeah if he cant see your beyuty then hes not good enuff for you in the first place" i told her.

Briar held her hounds out, face twisted into pure disgust. “He’s her brother,” she gritted out.

I felt good. Then i realized. Being good feels good. Maybe this was something i culd do afterall.

“Yeah, you can be good, but will you?” she asked, and paused so they could think back on the twenty-five chapters before this. The answer then was obvious, but she still said it. “You won’t.”

I was goign to be a better persun and leaf the lief of sin ive been folowing behind me. I went over to the last stal and there was a homeless person in it. I gave them som money. Then i gav him a poptart. It felt good!

Asahi groaned, “Why is there some homeless person just hanging out in the school bathroom?” he asked. “I mean, yeah, it’s good that you gave them some money, and some food, but why and how are they here?”

But then it was tiem for gim so we al had to go to class. We were playging dodjhal wich is a fun game were you hav to dodje shit that peepul are throwgin at you. Becuz of all my combat experiunce it was easy for me.

“I am the queen of dodgeball back home,” Cherry said, proudly puffing out her chest. “Team captains fight over who gets me on their team. I’m just that fuckin’ slippery to hit and that quick to snatch balls from the air.”

“Cool, I was never that good at dodge ball,” Asahi shrugged. “Then again, I never got too interested in it. Regardless, her ‘combat experience’ is boiled down to her being saved by everyone and stabbing people for no reason. Nothing to do with dodging balls.”

That whore bella was on the other team along with clairy. When she wuznt looking clarity pushed her and she fell down and got hit 15 tiems by everune on our ttem.

“Rude,” the Huntsman frowned.

“That point we took away for apologizing to Swan? It’s been added back to the tally and doubled,” Asahi stated, crossing his arms over his chest.

Then the other teem god angry and throo shit at bela. I laughed so hard that i though i wuld pee myself but i wuldnt in public so fuock u.

“Tripled,” Asahi gritted his teeth.

“She’s gonna have a few hundred points when it’s over,” Cherry predicted, “an that is being generous.”

As the gaem was almost ovar edowerd was hit so hard that he went thru the wall... It was CASPOR i meen CASMINE the transeccual boy! [AN: NASPER WENTS TO BE CALD JASMIN BECUS HE FELS MORE FEMINEN]

“More power to her,” Briar shrugged.

Cherry nodded, “Jasmine is a pretty name,” she said. “I’m sure she’ll be a beautiful woman.”

 he hade thrown a hal so fast it broke eodwrds spien twice.

“Nice,” Asahi clapped his hands, “Good job, girl.”

But then anya the bold stud up and cawt the ball! She was so beyutiful and fast and gud at editing. [AN: ANYA THIS IS U!]

“Ah, she has a new editor,” Briar mused. “I wonder how long this one will last.”

“I’m betting two chapters, and then she gives up,” Cherry said, taking a sip of her soda.

 she thrw a keyboard at bella and bella went ot the hospitul.

“A keyboard,” Cherry choked out, spitting out the soda. “She threw a fuckin’ keyboard? What the hell?”

Then i saw emmet. I went up to him and asked him how the gay thing was. It must be haerd not being with the une u luv becuz if he was with seth then saths family of wolves wuld exile the too and familee is all sath has sins his fathor dyed yesterdae.

Sighing, Asahi pinched the bridge of his nose. “If you love someone, and if your family can’t approve of your love, then you’re better off without family,” he said. “Now I don’t forgive Seth for what he did, but if he and Emmett truly love each other, they shouldn’t care about what others think and cut off the family who disapproves.”

Anywasy then we won the gaem but lost the match becuz they trid to make us go outsied and sins most of our teem is vampiors they culdnt play. So it was me and anya. We tried but there wer too many. 16 acshually.

“How do you win the game but lose the match?” Briar asked, then shook her head. “No, the reasoning is stupid. More importantly, I’m just imagining that Rebecca got struck by so many of the balls she’s currently a walking bruise.”

Cherry let out a sharp, wheezing laugh. “I love that.”

Anyways then we went to our next class but first i waented lunch so i skiped and evryon caem with me...

Asahi raised a brow, “Considering the principle wants you dead, you shouldn’t be skipping,” he said, paused, and chuckled. “Actually, do skip. Maybe that’ll make it easier for you to die.”

I wuz going to the bathrum were i hade fught angela to a draw and then helped to beet her when suddenly edowerd apperd!

“We’ve been reading the story,” Briar frowned. “We know that is not what happened.”

"EDOWERD WHAT THE FUOCK" i asked! this was the WOMINS bathrum!

"doth engaegeth in sex" he sed forsing himsefl on me! OH NO! WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO!?

“Wow, Edward. That’s forward,” Asahi deadpanned.

chapter 27 - the hospital bathroom

“It’s a bit annoying that she keeps bringing up how the school doubles as the town hospital,” Asahi said, shaking his head. “It’s even worse that now we need to specify that she’s in the hospital bathroom and not the school bathroom.”

“This girl really, an’ I mean really likes bathroom scenes,” Cherry clicked her tongue.

Oh no! wat was i gunna do edowerd wuz cuming to me to moleest me?

"no stop edowerd i dun get ti" i sed crying.

“Okay, her crying is actually completely justified, now,” Briar said, and made a face. “It feels weird validating what she says and does, though.”

“I feel no sympathy for her,” Asahi shrugged. “She constantly gave Swan crap for being a victim, and now she gets the same to happen to her. I think it’s fair play.”

 Why was edowerd tryign to do this to me? This was so fukced up!

“Maybe his reasoning is the same for why Clearwater assaulted Swan,” Asahi continued, narrowing his eyes at her. “By your very own logic, what he does is justified and Cullen is the real victim.”

Cherry nodded. “I don’t like this subject matter, but at the same time, I don’t wanna see ya acting like a whiny bitch after this with how ya treated Bella when she went through this.”

Teers wer runign down my face so quitlee and i wuz jsut so shoked. Edowerd tuk my rist and then throo me at the grund.

Briar had brought a closed fist to her mouth, “Break her spine, break her spine,” she chanted under her breath.

"doth beeth a bitcheth" he sed and then smackd me.

“She has always been a bitch, about time you noticed,” Asahi snarked.

 Then he riped my shirt off.

"why are you doing this!?" i screemed at him. "STOP! WHY!?" He hit me agin, this time with his cleets [AN: EDOWERD IS ON THE SOCCUR TEEM].

“He hit her with his cleats, not kicked her?” Cherry asked, tilting her head and trying to imagine the scene. “What did he do? Tear off his shoe an’ start smackin’ her in the face with it?”

 Then i felt sumthing red sleeping down my forehed. It was BLUD! he must have brike skin when he hit! "shit" i sed.

“Tis a flesh wound,” Asahi shrugged.

“It really is, at least for her,” Cherry agreed.

Edowerds eies turned all red andshit and then hey got huded. He luged after me but i got up and dodgd his atac.

“Because dodging a vampire with super speed and heightened reflexes is very easy for a human,” Briar said sarcastically. “TwilightRova really doesn’t know anything about vampires. Not even Twilight ones.”

He culdnt be resened with in his stayte and i was scrayd. I tride to run for the dur but then he apered and slamed it. Then he punched me and i flew back into the mirors. As i hit them they explouded into a bilion trilion shrads and they went everwere. Sum of it hit my faec and i culd tel i wuld get a scar.

“Seeing Swansin get the shit beat out of her is surprisingly cathartic,” Asahi mused as he leaned back, a slight smile on his face as he finally enjoyed the story. “This isn’t something you get to see often.”

Cherry nodded, looking equally as pleased, “I’m soakin’ as much of this in as I can before the inevitable happens and she somehow beats him.”

"AAAAAAAAAH" i screemed!

“Alas,” Briar monotoned her fake dismay. “The bathroom is completely soundproof, and thus no one passy by in the halls will be able to hear her cries and screams for aid.”

He hit me so hrad i went thru the sink too! Then before i culd reakt he had thrown me thru eech bathrum stal one bai one. There were five in tottal.

“I’m surprised she’s still standing,” Asahi hummed. “I suppose being resilient runs in the family.”

Finaly tho he tripped up and so i ran up to him with my katana and smaked him with it. I didnt want to hurt him he wuz my frend at one point so insted i just taped him withit.

There was a collective sigh. It had been nice seeing Rebecca Swansin on the receiving end for once, but it was over far too soon, and the tables turned in the most predictably lame way possible.

“Emphasis on smacked,” Cherry said sarcastically, rolling her eyes, “It’s not like ya wanna cut the person who was beatin’ you up an tryin’ to molest you. That’d just be rude.”

 He lost his frenzie and then luked at wat he did to the bathromo.

"doth fucketh" he sed and then before i new it he had sped out of the rum.

“The way to stop a vampire on a frenzied rampage is to… tap them with a sword,” Asahi deduced, brows furrowed together. “As Cullen said; the fuck?”

I new that i had to run and find alicai and tel her wat hapened. It was hard to run tho becuz blud was gushing down thru my foreheed and it wuz gettin in my eies.

“Of course it’s the blood on your face making it hard to run,” Briar shifted in her seat to rest her face on a hand, watching with disinterest. “It has nothing to do with being thrown into a mirror, through five bathroom stalls, and a sink, resulting in numerous bones, internal ruptures, and broken bones. It’s solely the gash on your forehead and the blood in your eyes that makes running hard.”

 As i ran down the hal i culdtn figur owt why edowerd did that to me. I meen i no ive dun bad things in the past but this wuz just out of cacater for edowerd.

“Okay, so maybe not the rape part, but ya definitely deserved the beatdown,” Cherry said.

 But then i shruged it off until i fund tanishashanqua and alicia and Jacob who was there for lunch break

“And Jacob is at their school and not the Indian restaurant he attends because…?”  Asahi asked, receiving no answer because there would not be any. Jacob was there just for the heck of it.

"what the FUCK gurl are you okay!?" Tanishashanqua asked. she tuk a cleen rag [AN" CLEEN TO PREVENT INFECSHINS] owt of her purs and then wiped my forehed with it.

“She’s really the most competent person here.” Cherry said.

“Her and Hale,” Asahi agreed, reminding her of Rosalie.

"alicia get out of heer u wont be able to resist the blud" Jacob sed to her. She noded her hed smoothlee and then jumped up the roof and out of scool grunds.

“You’ve got to make your exit memorable,” Briar mused.

Jacob picked me up with tanisahshanquas help and they tuk me to the hospitul wing of the scool. Then i blaked out.

When i woke up jacub was there with me. I had a yellow bandij on my hed were my wund was. Tanishashanqua was there to, but she wuz sleepign becuz sh ewas tired.

“Now be quiet, we don’t wanna wake Tanishashanqua up,” Cherry shushed.

Asahi shook his head, “That is still such a hard name to say.”

"rebecca u need to tell me what is the matter" jakub sed. "who did this to you. I want to help" he sed as he culd see me.

"it was edowedr he tried to raep me" I sed cheerliee

Briar frowned. “That is an unusual thing to be cheerful about.”

but no then sadlee becuz i had the shit beetin out of my.

“Ah, ya forgot ya ought to be sad bout that,” Cherry nodded. “No worries. Happens all the time.”

 FUCK THAT EDOWEDR GODDAMIT.

"itll be okay i'll go take caer of him" jakub sed as he got his axe out of his pockit.

Clearing his throat, Asahi rose to stand up, “Are you tired of your belts constantly breaking when you hang your axes on them?” he asked, holding an imaginary microphone to his mouth. “How about the axe hitting people or the walls whenever you try to squeeze by people?”

“Well, now ya don’t got to worry about any of that anymore!” Cherry joined in, jumping to her feet and doing a little twirl before gesturing to the table with the letters. “We’re here to introduce the newest innovation in the axeman lifestyle! The pocket-axe!”

“When you’re tired of cutting down trees and killing vampires, you just fold it up and slip it right into your pocket. Now you don’t have to worry about anymore axe-idents.” Asahi continued, lips curling into a little grin.

Cherry was snickering at the little pun, “It’s easy to store and quick to retrieve, perfect for spur of the moment axings. Call the number below, and for a low nine-hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents, the pocket-axe could be yours today!”

Then he howled and turned into a fury and then juped out the window of the hospitul rum.

“The important question is if he was still carrying his axe when he did all that,” Briar said.

Cherry laughed as she plopped back down in her seat, “He’s just carrying it in his mouth at this point. Like a discount Great Grey Wolf Sif.”

I wuz glad that he wuz ther to support me. I wuld support him in my own speshal way in the futor.

“By stabbing him in the dick,” Asahi translated.

"fuck yu you cunt" i herd. I luked up. It was BELLA! She wuz the one in the hospitul bed to the side of mine! God fuocking dammit i thught to myself slylee.

“Bella, our favorite girl here. It’s so great to see you’re okay,” Briar smiled.

“At this point I’m convinced the girl’s immortal,” Cherry mused, “that’s the only way to explain how she just keeps comin’ back.”

"what!? What the fuck doyou want bella!? Cant u just leev me alone!? JUDAH FUOCKING DAMMIT U WEER ALWAS SUCH A FUCKING BITCH TO ME I HATE YOU" i screemd in fuory. Uh oh. I was supoed to be gud.

Asahi scoffed, “You’ve never been good.”

“She’s the opposite of good. She’s like Satan’s favorite problem causer,” Cherry agreed.

"thas hard to do when u do shit like KILL MY FUOCKING DAD YOU CUNT" she screemed even loudlier.

“She has a valid point,” Asahi said.

I gasped loudlee so that she culd understand my shouck.

"ur just jelus that chardly always luved me mora than you" i sed furiouslee!

“An you repaid that love by killin’ him,” Cherry scowled. “Real nice of ya.”

She was so shucked that she culdnt even say anyting to that. Then she luked down an troddin. Wich ment that she new i was rite. Wich ment that i weon.

“None of that justifies murdering him,” Briar pointed out.

Asahi shrugged, “She’s just jealous because we all know he loved Swan the most. Swansin is just full of herself.”

I got up out of my bead and went to the hospitul rum bathrum. Y didnt this victoree feel gud tho?...

“Oh, God!” Cherry shouted, reeling back. “Are ya finally learning empathy? Better late than never, I guess.”

As i steped into the bathrum to go tinkle my combat sens tingld.

“Look mom, I can rhyme! Are you proud of me, now?” Asahi snarked.

Sudenly i dodj roled out of the atac in the smal bachrum onlee to see... ANGELA THE VAMPIOR! She was back!

“Why do all these vampires love attacking girls in the bathroom?” Briar asked. “Edward did it once, and this is Angela’s third Bathroom Strike.”

“TwilightRova is in love with bathroom scenes,” Cherry said. “It’s weird, but I ain’t gonna kink shame.”

And she had a new BLAK CATANA! And she had triedto kill ME WITH IT! I ran out of the bathroom at my ful potenshil and assumd fightign pose in frunt of bella.

Asahi raised a brow, trying to comprehend what was happening, and having quite a bit of difficulty, “Are you attacking Swan? Defending Swan? Using Swan as a human shield?” he asked.

"shit motherfucker!" tanishashanqua screemed!

Cherry rolled her eyes. “Oh, ya woke up to the fight, but not to Bella and Rebecca screamin at each other?” she asked. “Damn ya have some selective hearing when sleeping.”

She got out her gun and poiynted it at the biotch angela. We wer gonna protekt bellas lief and also my life. I new that it was heer that i wuld maek up for my sins and devowlee folo judahs plan.

“I can’t believe it,” Briar said with a soft gasp. “They’re actually protecting Bella? Bella? Did someone replace Rebecca with a changeling?”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Asahi warned. “This ‘nice act’ isn’t going to last long.”

As angela the vampiore stuck out the bathroom we prepard!

"u evaded me twise so now yuo both shall DIE" angela screemed! Then she LUGED!

“Oh, no,” Cherry said, looking at her nails. “She luged. How will anyone survive?”

okay i no i sed that i wuld reply to ny reviows but srsly

Jason Bartholomu 12/4/12 . chapter 16

Do you even lift?

lift what i dunt get it what the fuock is rung with u pepul

Looking away from her nails, Cherry stared at the screen with a face of pure disappointment. “Ya don’t get the most iconic and basic of memes?” she asked. “You should feel ashamed of yourself.”

chapter 28 - Rebecca & Bella vs Angela

Then she LUGED! I gasped wile tryign to deflekt angelas atack with my catana. She was very skiled but i think that i was more thern a match for her wile we were in the hospital rum.

“No,” Asahi said, shaking his head. “No, you are not.”

“She is as outmatched as can be,” Briar agreed.

"SHIT HOMIE GEDOWN" tanishashanqua SCREEMD as she usd her gun at angela. I was fsat enuf to dodge the bullits but if i hadnt bene then i wuld be ded.

“Considerin’ how fast bullets move, that’s physically impossible,” Cherry pointed out. “You aint the Flash.”

Angela didnt tho and she got shotted at leest 4 times in the neck. But she didnt say anything like i expected her to so it was werd. She jsut tryed to stab me and tanishashanqua and bella sum more so u no wat? Angelas a fuocking bitch.

With a scoff, Asahi crossed his arms over his chest and sank deeper into his seat. “Takes one to know one.”

Suddenly anya the bold ran in wile eeting cheetos and poptarts and luked at us but she was so scray by wat she saw that she ran out. [AN: ANYA GET UR AKT TOGETHUR UR SUPOSED TO BE EDITING NOT EATING CHEETOS U FATTI]

“That’s one way to chase away your editors,” Briar mused. “Yelling at the one editing your story and insulting her. Really effective. Completely ignoring that as the author, TwilightRova should be editing her story, too.”

“I’m surprised this Anya girl lasted this long,” Asahi admitted. “I assume that after this chapter she won’t be helping you anymore if this is how you treat her.”

 but then angela threw her sword like a boomeragn and it cut off anya the bolds arm so TAEK THAT U CAN GET UR ARM BAECK WHEN U START WURKING AGAIN!

“Ways to quickly sink a friendship; be like TwilightRova,” Cherry said.

"Bella u need to get out of here we caent hold her off for loung!" i sed wile trying to be a gud person. It was hard to prove it tho becuz there wer no homeliss pepul to give poptards to but whatevr.

“I don’t think you understand that doing good deeds because you want to be viewed as a good person is not the same as doing a good deed because it’s the right thing to do,” Asahi frowned. “The first is egocentric, you only do it for the praise and love. The second is because of a genuine want to help.”

Anyways then angela smacked tanishashanqua on the hed but she didnt stop THERE! then tanishashanqua luged at bella but i blocked the atack. Tasniahsnqua then tuk out a nife and went for Angela!

“Tanishashanqua, are you having difficulties remembering who you are supposed to be fighting?” Briar asked. “Understandable, this story is a confusing mess.”

"YOU WILL NOT STOP ME!" Angela screemed but then tanishashqnau stabed her in the gut with her getto nife and then i pushed her owt the window of the hospitul rum. Luckilee the rum is fiev storys up so angela had a long fal to deel with.

Cherry shrugged. “It’s actually a pretty quick fall when ya take into account the speed ya fall at.”

"we need to escape befor she climsb back up here" i sed serverlee. I luked ovar at Bella and Bella was just fuocked up becuz of this drama and shit.

"WHAT THE FUOCK IS GOIGN ON!?" she screemed.

“Honestly? An understandable response,” Briar said, while Asahi and Cherry nodded in agreement.

"luk motherfuocker that bitch is gonna kill you too if we dont run so u can eether stay here or run with us to be abel to survive" tanishashanqua sed.

"she wuz the one who atacked us in the bathrum stal" i sed to clarifye the situation.

“So long as you all stop going into bathrooms you will be safe,” Asahi saidl

Bella thught for a secund and then nodded her head.

"okay, ur right." She sed.

"we need to get away and fast" i sed as i locked the windows so that when angela tries any spiderman shit to get back into heer it wuldnt wurk.

“Locking the window does nothing if the glass can be broken,” Briar pointed out. “Though, considering the subpar intelligence this cast exhibits most of the time, the concept of breaking a window to get in probably won’t cross anyone’s minds.”

"how are we going to do that!? Shes so strong a powerful!" bella sed wile starting to cry a litle bit.

"Theres only 1 persun strong enuf to take on angela for shure" tasniahshanqua begined. "Rosey." I nodded my hed becuz this was a relly good idea. Thank gudness tasniahsnqua is such a gud friend with gud ideas.

“Thank God Tanishashanqua has the one brain cell this group shares,” Asahi sighed.

“All hail the holder of the brain cell,” Cherry began chanting before sagging with a tired sigh.

"does anybody have a car that we can use to get to the collins house?" i askd the too.

"i do!" bella sed and then we all went to the parkign lot to get into beds fuocking uglee truck. Even tho it was uglee and i haet it with all my pashin it was savign my lief now so i maed sure to remember to fix it when this was all ovar.

Perking back up, Cherry made a face as she read the text. “This is so weird. She’s… growin’? As a person?” she asked in disbelief. “Am I dreamin’?”

“No, and it’s jarring,” Asahi confirmed. “Though her idea of fixing it could still be par for the course with Swansin and just be ‘destroy it’.”

 I culd start to append for my sins by treeting the things in my life better. As we were gettign into the truck, we herd a fucking obnoxshis screech.

"GET BACK HERE BITCHES!" It was ANGELA! She was on a moturcycle! She tuk out a pistol and started to shoot bullits at us so we got into the truck fastlee.

“Motorcycles are… similar to mechanical horses,” Briar said slowly, trying to figure it out, and then nodded. “That’s rather cool”

“Motorcycles are awesome, I defs want one.” Cherry agreed.

 Tasniahsnqa and I got into the back bed [AN: THATS WERE U PUT THE KARGO AND SHIT IN A PIKUP TRUCK]

Asahi sighed, staring at the ceiling once again, “Everyone knows what a truck bed is.”

and asumed fihgting posishin. I tuk out my shotgun and shotted it at angela wile tanishahsnaqua tuk out her getto pistol and also shotted it.

"GO GO GO GO!" i screemed and then bella tuk off out of scool grounds and around the town while angela followed us. Agenla tried to shoot at the car but tanishashanqua shot back and i deflekted bullits with my anti-raep catana wile shooting with my shotgun.

Cherry shook her head, drawing her legs up to rest on the seat so she could prop her chin on her knees. “I always hated the ‘deflect bullets with a sword’ cliché,” she confessed. “It’s just… not as cool as anime tries to make it.”

 It was hard, to sto pthe bullits, but i had to protekt bella, the driver of this vehicol. but then Angela activated her turbo button and then she was speeding up so fast that theer wouldnt be a chanse for us to escape! It was as if she had a jet in that fucking moturcycle!

And then she was raising her head, watching with wide eyes. “Now that? Jet powered motorcycle? That’s cool.”

"Bella!" i screemed! "Speed up! We arent lusing her!"

"IM TRYING DONT DISTRAKT ME" bella screemed. I meen i understand her srtress but hello tanishashanqua and i wuldnt let anything happen to her. But whatever she desruves the beenfit of the doubt.

Groaning, Asahi shook his head, “This is so weird,” he muttered.

 We sped up rally fast and then Bella tuk the truck out of the town and into the windign roads behind the town. There were lots of trees everywhere and it began to raen liek crazee so i felt at home.

“They passed the magical barrier that kept all the rain outta town,” Cherry deduced.

Briar frowned, leaning forward to read the text, “This is getting dangerous. More so than usual with anything pertaining Rebecca,” she said. “High speed chases on slippery, muddy grounds are risky.”

“It we’re lucky, they’ll crash the truck, and everyone will die,” Asahi offered, but then shook his head. “We’re not lucky enough.”

Suddenlee a coip car starded to get in on the chase too! We were tryign our best to deflekt bullits but then the fuockign cops tried to drive US off the road insted of angela!

"Tanishashanqua the cops are alyed with Angela!" i sed! We were doomed unless we culd get those biotches off our backs!

“It could be because they figured out you murdered both Charlie and the principal,” Briar suggested.

“Or because they’re cops, and you are breaking many, many laws right now,” Asahi added with a shrug. “High speed chases and bullets alone would be reason enough for the cops to get involved.”

"i got this motherfucker" tanisahsnqua sed and then she shot the cop driving the car in the hed and he died and his car went off a cliff and exploded.

“More murders to your list, good job,” he said in a deadpan tone.

 Then we went back to doign what we were doign before.

"YOU WONT ESCAPE EASILEE!" angela screemed and then she tuk her gun and aymed it at the tire of the truck and SHOT THE BULLIT! IT HIT! THEN IT MADE A NOISE! Tanishashanqua and me almost fell out but before i new it Angela had use d the swurve to JUMP INTO THE TRUCK WITH US! FUCK!

“Somehow she has made this simultaneously exciting and dull,” Briar said with mild amazement, “It’s actually unnerving that she managed to do that.”

"FUCK YOU" i screemed and engayged her in one on one swordfightign. It wuz her black catana versis my anti rape catana and it luked liek i was losing!

“Surprisin’ absolutely no one,” Cherry said, waving a hand in the air.

 I just culdnt keep up with her enhansed vamprie powers! FUCK! She then pujnched me in the boob and smacked me!

She immediately lowered her hand to wince. “Boob punch, ouch. Low blow.”

Then she luged for tanishansqua! NOOOO!

"FUUUUUUUUCK" tanishahsnqua screemed as angela cut off her pistol hand with her evil black catana! Then she picked up one of my onlee friends and threw her out the back of the truck wile bella was driving it at 120 miles per hours!

“Great. You killed off one of the few genuinely interesting characters,” Asahi groused. “Thanks a lot.”

It was tramatic taek my wurd for it.

“I’ll have to, we have no other reason to think it would be,” Briar said with a shrug.

"Bitch please this is still my fucking turf ur on" someone sed. IT WAS ALICIA! She was drivign a sports car and had caght tanisahsnaqua's bodee with the hood of her car.

“That’s actually gonna hurt a lot,” Cherry winced.

“It’s less of catching herm, more like Alicia hit her with her car and Tanishashanqua just stayed on,” Asahi added. “But, at least Alicia is here, now they have a little better chance of survival.”

Tanishashanqua got into the car wile alicai shot at angela frum the sports car. I new then that this wuz my chase to get a hit in on angela so i struck and almost nocked her off the speedign truck! Btu then she hung on and overpowerd me.

“Surprisin’ no one,” Cherry groaned.

"No matter how many of u weeklings show up I will still rain supreme!" she sed evilee! Alicia used her vampire strength to shoot many bullits at angela but angela also was a vampiore so she dodged them like a profesional. But no! some of the bullits that missed angela wuz going to hit bella! I tried to dodge into the atac but i onlee tuk too bullits!

“It’s so jarring that she’s throwing herself into danger to protect Bella,” Briar commented with a frown, glancing to her companions. “Is this the same Rebecca?”

“Could be her good twin,” Cherry offered.

"SHIT" i screemed. I had faild and culdnt protekt bella. Even tho i akt like i hate her shes secretely always been my role model and i shuldve been nicer to her.

“Know what this is?” Asahi asked, holding out his hand and bringing his fingers together. “Growth.”

A singul teer drop fell frum me faec as i relized wat was goign to hapen. I herd a screem from bella, and suddenlee the car went off the side of the roed and into the wuds. Angela and i went flyign over 70 feet in the aeir along with the truck. As we wer in midair bella fell from the truck and angela stabed me in the stomick, but not before i shoved my antiraep catana into her nee!

“That’s three deaths, right?” Cherry asked. “At least Becca’s one of the casualties.”

 She kickedd me and i went flying even furthor. But then as i hit a tree on the way down, i herd an exploshin. Then everything went blaeck as i fell...

“That,” Briar said, clasping her hands together and pointing her joined middle and pointer fingers at the screen, “is the sound of your insides turning to mush.”

Chapter 30: woods

“The less successful knockoff to the hit “Into the Woods” musical,” Cherry nodded.

I woke up in the fucking awful rain becuz seriously people I dont love it THAT much I mean geeze.

“You kept saying you loved the rain, and complained that it didn’t rain enough,” Asahi pointed out, “and now you’re complaining that you don’t love it that much? Make up your mind.”

Anyways my head really fucking hurt because i had been sent through a fall. I didnt know where Angela was because she had gone flal too but I knew that if I honed myself that I could find bella.

“If Swan is dead, we will riot,” Asahi warned.

Cherry nodded her head, “I’m already sharpenin’ my pitchforks.”

I found my shotgun and katana and put then in the ground int he forest I was in. It was almost dark. I could tell ecause the sun was setting. Time had passed. I cliped my hands together and prayed to Judah that something would guide me way. Then I opened my eyes and saw the Elf Grandfather who was pointing at the car wreck with Bella underneeth it!

“There are suddenly elves? And elven grandparents?” Briar asked.

“Eh,” Asahi shrugged, “It’s not the weirdest thing thrown our way by this story.”

I ran to the reck and saw that Bellas hand was the only thing not under her fucking trashed truck. It was burning and smoke and shit and the trees were going to burn down soon.

“Save her, or perish,” Cherry glowered.

"Bella dont worry I'll save you!" I screemed because I was a good person and shoved the truck with all my mite. It was no use those I couldn't gain ground against the truck because of Newton's laws against moving objects! [AN: FUCK YOU NEWTON]

Her glower shifted to an eye roll, “Newton had nothin’ to do with this.”

"rebeeca you goddamn it fucking ugly stupid whore help me goddamn you and fuck this" she whinied at me which was totally unhelpful right now I mean c'mon I'm trying to concentrate at the moment.

“To be fair,” Briar began in a placating tone. “Now is not the best time to complain.”

"GODDAMNIT IM TRYING" I screamed at her. I mean if she didn't have such a fucking huge truck this wouldnt be tough the thing ways like 15 tons. But then my combat sense tingled and I looked behind me and suddenly ANGELA APPEARED in the sky and and she started to use her sword in me!

“Phrasing,” Asahi muttered.

“She meant what she said,” Cherry countered. “The sword’s in her.” As Asahi made a face of disgust, she began cackling.

"I'll kill you! HIYAH" She screened as she luged over and over again. I tried to fight back but it was hard because bella was there nad she was the targit and I was trying to protect Bella but Angela used and I couldn't truck!

“She… couldn’t truck?” Briar questioned and looked to Cherry, “Is that some form of slang?”

Cherry shrugged, “If it is, it ain’t any I’ve heard.”

"WHAT YOU SAY TO ME!?" I screamed as I punched Angela's breasts in the fight.

Looking back to the screen, Cherry curled her lip back, “Another boob punch? Ouch.”

 It was a ground blow but it was all I could do to stay in front. "You're a monster Angela and I won't let you harm people!" I screemed harder this time! But then Angela jumped into the air with her Katana and cut my shotgun in half! Oh shit! I was so fucked!

“Well, it was nice knowing you, Swansin,” Asahi said, and after a few moments his stoney expression twitched into a wry grin, “Nope. Couldn’t keep a straight face. Honestly? Good riddance, won’t miss you at all.”

"IF I AM A MONSTER THEN I WILL BE THE MONSTER COACH!" She screemed while flying. "THE FIRST IN MANKIND AND THE FIRST ALL OVER THE WORLD!"

“You are certainly not the first monster,” Briar said, shaking her head, “But I’ll give you credit; to my knowledge you will be the first monster coach.”

“What does that even mean?” Cherry whispered. “She coaches others in bein’ monsters?”

Then she stopped flying right on top of me. As bella was getting her face burned and crushed by the Car Angela just kept stabbing me and stabbing me with her Katana of death until She picked me up with it and impaled me.

“Okay, I can compromise,” Asahi said, clapping his hands together. “I’ll be okay with Swan dying if Swansin dies as well.”

"AAAAAAAAAA" I screemed in shire agony! THERE WAS A FUCKING SWORD IN ME AND SHE WAS SPINNING ME AROUND WILE I WAS ON IT!

“I feel like I’ve seen this in a Dark Souls boss fight,” Cherry mused right as Briar muttered “This gives me some ideas.”

She was just to strong. This was the final line for me and bella. None of my friends were around to save me. Jacob was after Edoward who was running away from Fucks and Alicia was with Tanishashanqua wherever the fuck they were and And nerd Clarity was actually in that the school.

“I honestly forgot she existed,” Asahi confessed.

 I tried to take a breath but it was hard because Angela was using a sord to mvoe me.

Then all of a sudden a gunshot went off and Angela threw me off to the sword with great power! She cut the bullet in half and we both looked up! It WAS CHOCOLOVE!

“Never mess with the strippers,” Cherry cackled.

"Angela stop" he said while looking like a teachor.

"Why the fuck shuld I?" She asked as I was there and on the ground almost dead

“If only you’d commit,” Briar sighed, leaning back.

and Bella was almost dead to. She was about to snap my neck so it was good that Chocolove arrived to stop her!

"Because" he said wile pointing at Angela the Vampire! "When you were alive, I WAS YOUR FATHER ANGELA!" She then started to cry becuz she was just confused by touching it all. Then she got fucking angry!

“What a twist!” Asahi said in as much of an exaggerated voice as he could muster.

Briar gave a shrug, “I think tears are understandable in the face of such absurd confusion.”

"YOU LYING FUCKER" she screemed and then tried to stab him but Chocolove's forcefeld stopped her from comign close to him. "AAAAAA" she screemd as she went flying backwards into an other grandfather elf tree.

“That poor grandfatherly elven tree,” Briar said, giving a somber shake of her head. “Gone from us too soon.

"ITS TRUE" he screemed! "YOUR MOTHER IS NONE OTHER THAN RENNY!" Everybody at the sene gasped because of the revelatin! If angela was renny's dohter then that meant that... "YES!" Chocolvoe screemed! "THAT MAKES ANGELA BELLA'S SISTER!"

“Clearly Renée had the true harem,” Asahi said.

“That must be where Bella got being bland as bread and five guys wantin’ her from,” Cherry added.

And then Angela started swearing so much that I'm not even gonna fucking write it becuz seriously it would take up like 5 pages of text.

“Talk about lazy,” Briar monotoned. “I for one would rather read five pages of cursing than this absurdity.”

"you bitch" Angeal screamed and then broke down on the ground.

"Its true their insides are made of the same blood..." he said. "My daddy blood".

Asahi groaned, leaning back to look away from the screen. “I detest the word ‘daddy’. It just feels so wrong.”

“More importantly,” Cherry said. “Charlie’s Bella’s dad, so wouldn’t they be sharin’ Renée’s mommy blood?”

He reached over to smack her on the arm. “Don’t say mommy either.”

And then all of a sudden my pain wouldn't release because Angela had still stabbed me. But then something amazing happened that saved my life that I will never forget!

"HOMING MISSLE BOMB STRIKE" sed a voice! The voice belonged to Alec!

Asahi raised a brow. “You’re still here? All done with the twincest drama going on between you and your sister?”

 All of a Sudden Angela went missiling up into the air like some sort of flying projectile and left the atmosfear. Jane was there too but she was a had so it didn't matter.

“Wow,” Cherry remarked, “You just can’t help bein’ rude, can ya?”

"What are you doing here you fools?" Chocolove asked

"I am here to save Bellanita and Rebeccadora [AN: THOSE ARE THEIR FULL NAMES]

“I don’t know about Rebecca, but Bella’s full name is Isabella Marie Swan,” Briar corrected and frowned. “I hate that I know her full name.”

“Bellanita and Rebeccadora are stupid fuckin’ names,” Cherry added. “She thinks slappin’ on Adora’s name will make her half as iconic as that gay disaster? Well, she’s wrong!”

from sertin death" Alec said. "They are too close to the collin compound and you know what lies in there! We must not let Esme see them!" And then Jane nodded and made a incantation to say "HOLY" and then the truck got up and rolled over and away from Bella so that we culd save her.

"Don't worry" Alec said to me. "My powers sent her to the MOON" he screamed.

“She’ll be back within the hour,” Asahi said, unconcerned.

"I won't let you ruin my plans!" Chocolove said with anger and blood dripping from his voice and then his forsefield grew to ten times the original amount! "Esme will hear about this blatant betrayl of our plans and then you will suffer the consequences!"

That lack of concern morphed into pure confusion. “I’m sorry?” he asked. “What?”

“The stripper was evil all along,” Briar mused. “What a shocker.”

"what are you saying Chocolove!?" I managed to ask wile bleeping out onto the forest ground.

“Gotta give you props, as much as it makes me wanna puke to do so,” Cherry said, making a face as she said that. “It’s impressive you’re still awake after all that blood loss.”

"I wont asnwer that because it would spoil my plans" he said. And then he made to summon a Lance and equiped it to do battle with.

"Well too bad they are our friends and we will save them" jane sed finally speaking up! Then she made a ninjutsu sign and then screamed "TELEPORT" and the four of us (Me, Bella, Jane, and Alec) teleported away from Mr. Chocolove!

“What?” Asahi asked. “Is this Naruto, now?”

This time Cherry reached over to smack him. “Dude, shut up. Don’t say that name, I’ve got a bad feelin’ regarding it.”

Chapter 31: Return to School

Suddenly like as if were teleported we were in the school. I was there with my wounds and Bella was there with her face and shit all burned and alec and Jane were there to.

"We will take Bella to the facility" said Alec. He puked up Bella with amazing speed and pushed everyone out of his way to the hospital. Jane cried like the hag she is and then teleported away.

“I’m going Belec, now,” Cherry decided, settling back into her seat. “Just to spite TwilightRova.”

“The incest going on with her new punching bag is weird, but also unnecessary in the cruelty,” Asahi said, frowning at the treatment Jane was getting.

 So then I had to go to class to find claritee because she was the only one who could be my friend since Jacub was in the pursuit and Tanishashanqua and Laicia wer .

“Or, more accurate, no one really wants to be friends with you anymore, not at this point after how you treat everyone,” Briar corrected. “So they’ve taken any excuse they can to avoid being around you.”

 Then I looked up at the clock and there was enough time left in the day to go to my next class wich was a math class. I hate math because I'm not very good at it because of Newton [AN: FUCK YOU AGAIN NEWTON].

Sighing, Cherry reached up to tug on a pigtail, “Girl, Newton has nothin’ to do with how much ya suck. He didn’t create the laws, he just put words to them.”

"I'm sorry I'm late sir I was busy fiting angela" I said to the teachor who was suppled to be Mr Clearwater but I acted a gasp when it wasn't! It was Hasmes the man whose arm was missing after he consumed Clear water!

“I forgot Hames was still alive,” Briar commented, paused, and frowned. “That’s a running theme, isn’t it? Characters vanish, and they’ve been so unremarkable and so easily forgettable, we just… forget they exist.”

“It’s a sign of bad writing,” Asahi said with a shrug. “In a well written story, characters wouldn’t be so easy to forget once they weren’t around.”

"PAY ATTENTION TO THE BOARD REBECCA" screemed Hames the Vampire teacher of my Calculus class as I perfectly sat to my seat. We were learning things like how to divide funktions and trickonometry. "YOU ARE THIEVING KNOWLEDGE FROM THE OTHER STUDENTS" he screamed wile waving chalk and shit around the class. I don't get why I even try its not like I'm asian or anything so fuck this shit.

Immediately, Asahi’s face twisted into a scowl as he raised his hand and curled four of his fingers so only his middle was still out. “Fuck. You.”

“Everyone’s gotta learn math, so deal with it,” Cherry added.

"Psst Rebecca want to buy some weed" sad the boy to the left of my seet! IT WAS SERKADES! [AN: SERKADES IS ONE OF THE SNERKERS].

“Who, from the what?” Briar asked.

Lowering his hand, still looking rather pissed at the screen, Asahi crossed his arms and sank into his seat. “No idea.”

He was a sit there and selling drugs to me and everything! I went all D: and then he Took out the dope and waved it in my fucking face. "I need it to pay for my props" he tried to say slidely.

"Mr Hames serkades is selling drugs!" I told the teechor but he was so busy reducing Clitoria that he didn't notice.

“Ouch,” Cherry winced. “A clit reduction in the classroom’s gotta be painful.”

 "No I don't want any of your fucking drugs so stop before alicai sees you beside I am too far above the inner fluence" I told him. I was trying to help I mean if Alica saw this shit she would fuckign kill him for being on her turd.

“Fair enough. Though I think standing in a pile of shit is punishment enough, but to each their own,” Briar shrugged.

"Your strong so I can not do anything to encourage you" sad Serkades because he just kept on trying to sell. "I'll call you when I'm selling cheap" he sed and swiped me his phone number for texting because nobody calls anymore.

“Who the hell is Serkades?” Cherry demanded. “It’s drivin’ me crazy tryin’ to figure out who that is.”

I riped it up because I was done being a bad person and I didn't even try to stab him so I felt good about myself just like it should be. In fact I was going to tell on him and do the right thing so he could sort his life out. Judah would want that.

“She didn’t try to stab him, that is impressive knowing her,” Asahi commended. “It’s strange seeing her try to be good. But that doesn’t get her off the hook for her ‘Asian’ remark.”

"Bye mr Hames I am going to the School police" I told Hames as I got up and left and he just stuck his middle finger up at my because she was busy kussing his lady bitch's face to notise his job. I walked down the fucking empty halls and located Arrow's room since his is a liutenant [AN: THE SCHOOL POLICE ARE IN ARROWS ROOM].

“At this rate, all this school needs is a bank and it’s effectively it’s own town within a town,” Briar said.

 But I heard mouning going on inside so I quickly opened the door to investigate!

"WHAT THE FUCK" I SCREAMED because I was scared. My old fiend Clarity Etude Symphonia was on the desk laying there and Arrow was on top of her as a Bat masticating on her body! He just kept going and going it was fuckign sick. There was blood everywhere like a volcano in Italy.

The three made faces of disgust. Cherry lurched over and began gagging, making retching noises in response, as Asahi began bemoaning about the vulgarity of it all as he lurched forward and buried his head in his knees.

“Disgusting,” Briar said, stone faced, “Absolutely revolting.”

 "Get off of her what the fuck are you doing!?" I screemed and took out my Katana and threw it across the room but the Bat dodged and I tried to get but I could because bats and its wings kept fapping.

“How is it still… still…that,” Cherry said, waving her hands desperately at the screen, “as a bat?”

“I don’t think you want to know,” Asahi answered, and shuddered, “I certainly don’t.”

"You disgusting shit I will kill you" the bat said using Ekolocation to translate thoughts into me! "I have killed this worthless hunam and drained her of all of her blood" he translated loudly!

“That’s not even how echolocation works,” he added with a groan.

"You sick fucker your wrong I am a vampire too!" Clarity screemed as she got up to kill Bat but he stopped her and went through her breasts to get inside her body! "FUUUCK" Clarity screemed!

“What is even going on?” Cherry screamed, tugging hard at her hair.

Asahi reached over to pat her on the shoulder, “Again. You don’t want to know.”

"I am now inside her body it is warm like a volcano's bakemeat. I shall nest in here" he said and then closed the entrance to her body so that he would be safe.

He looked from Cherry to the screen, “We’re in Alien now.”

“That’s even worse!” she bemoaned.

"Arrow stop trying to live inside of Clarity!" I screemed to protect my friend! I wanted to kill him but I couldn't not without killing clarity too.

"There is no use Rebecca" Clarity said now crying a lot not as much as Bella when Chadley had died but more than when Bella cried over Mikes dead body.

“Bella is now a gauge of how sad you are. Are you ‘my cousin murdered my dad’ sad, or ‘this somewhat friend who won’t take a hint has died’ kind of sad?” Briar asked.

"He will nest in me and you cannot harm him without killing me first" she sed.

“Time to take one for the team,” Asahi said, nodding to Clarity.

"Clarity you are my friend we will solve this predicament" I sad. "Esme will pay for this!" I also sad this time waving my fists towards the sun.

“What did Esme do? She had nothing to do with Aro being a disgusting creature,” Briar said.

“She’s just a mum who wants to raise kids,” Cherry added, “Leave her out of this.”

"No Rebecca you must know what I found out before…" She sad as she drew her gun from her bra. She was shaking because she was losing control of her body to the parasite Arrow inside.

“Most men are parasites, so what’s the difference?” Cherry asked.

Asahi smacked her, again, on the shoulder. “Fuck you,” he muttered.

She laughed, rubbed her shoulder, and held her hands up in surrender, “M’bad. Bad joke.”

 "The volutre are a diversion… Esme hired them to kill anyone on Cocolove's trail…" She was puking blood now because Arrow was eating her from the inside. She took out a jar of holy water. I was crying it was so traumetric.

“You should see a therapist,” Briar suggested. “For numerous reasons.”

 "He is the masterind behind everyting and he is connected to everything… You were not always supposed to…" she stopped and then her eyes rolled back like some weird chuky shit.

“Chocolove is the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega. He is everything and nothing. He knows all, sees all,” Asahi droned on. “He is the villain we do not deserve, but the one who may be able to end Swansin’s reign.”

“Fingers crossed he wins,” Cherry muttered.

"NO! CHARLITY YOU ARE MY BESTEST FRIEND DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF THERES NO GOING BACK!" I scremed but it wasn't enough. "IF YOU DO THIS THAN YOU WILL BECOME THE GERATEST MONSTER OF THIS WORLD OF THEM ALL!"

“Well,” Briar whistled, “You’re exaggerating a bit.”

“How is she even ‘doing anything’?” Asahi questioned. “Her insides are currently being eaten by a perverse bat. All she’s doing is dying. And you’re calling her the greatest monster of the world for dying?”

"URGHGHGH GOODBYE" Clarity barfed and then she chugged the entire jar of holy water. Then her entire insides caught the fire and everything except for her bones and muscles and skin burned up she no longer had orgins to donate in case someone was going to dye.

“As a vamp, she probs shouldn’t be donating organs in the first place, unless ya wanna go all ghoul on people needing organ transplants,” Cherry pointed out. “I mean, that’d add an interesting layer to the story, but I don’t trust ya to write something like that and not butcher it like you’ve butchered everything else in this dumpster fire.”

"AHAHAHAHA NOW I CONTROL HER!" Arrow said from inside Claritee as he piloted her like a giant mecha like in one of those animees. "IT IS I THAT CAN GRASP THE GERATEST MONSTER BY BEING THE GREATEST MONSTER OF THEM ALL!" But the clarity I knew was dead inside arrow had masticated into her and then she had commited to suicide by drinking water and now she was hollow. "THANK YOU REBECCA YOU MADE ALL OF THIS POSSIBLE" He screemd and then using Clarity he ran out of the Office.

“So we’re all in agreement that Swansin is the final villain of this story, right?” Asahi asked, looking around, and not waiting for an answer. “Right? Good.”

I ran out of the office too but I was crying because today had been really bad. Then Alicia and Tanishashanqua and Jacub and Edowerd all came to me. Except edowerd couldn't talk because he was typed up and his mouth was closed with duck tapes.

“Black proved his worth and caught Cullen. Suppose he can be a good dog now and then,” Asahi mused, crossing his arms over his chest once again.

“The gang’s all here so time to return to the usual bullshit,” Cherry added with enthusiasm faker than an influencers life.

"What is wrong Rebecca?" Said Jacub. He helped me close very sexily I could even felt his nipples through his shirt.

“For someone who claims to be so religious and chaste, it is hilarious that you are constantly sexualizing others,” Briar remarked.

"Clarity just died" I sad.

"Aww that stinks" Said Alicia

Asahi rolled his eyes, “You can really see how well loved she was, when the most she gets in response to dying is ‘that stinks’.”

which reminded me of smoking da Mary J.

"By the way that fucker Serkades is trying to steal your turf where were yoy anyways!?" I questioned while flapping my raven hair with golden streaks in the dramatic sexy wind.

“The return of her stupid colored hair blowin’ stupidly in the wind,” Cherry scoffed. “It ain’t dramatic or sexy. It’s dumb.”

“It’s very stupid,” Asahi agreed. “And the timing for it just makes no sense. This isn’t a ‘dramatic’ moment. It’s just her being a nark.”

"I was getting a new hand" sad Tanishashanqua who now had a robot hand sort of like Luke Skywinkers from Revenge of the Jedis. "The surger was difficult but I pulled it through" she said.

“Robot hand? That’s pretty cool,” Briar admitted. “I can see how useful it would be in a fight.”

“Robotic limbs are the fuckin’ shit!” Cherry laughed. “If I ever lose a limb, give me a robotic replacement.”

"THAT FUCKER" Alicai said and took off into the school with a gun equipped to use on SErkades that turd. Alicai would settle him straite.

"But anyways Rebecca why are you so beat up" Jacub asked.

"Because wile you were away Angela attacked me Bella and Tanisha and then Bellas truck fell and Chocolove stopped the killings!" I told him. He nodded very quickly at first but then stopped and did it slowly. Suddenly it became raining and thundering outsied so I felt at home.

“I’m surprised she isn’t yelling at him for not being there and helping,” Briar hummed as she read. “It certainly feels like something she would blame him for, and then start crying over, while bemoaning what a terrible person he is for just not being present.”

“Give it time,” Asahi assured her.

"We need to investighat Chocolove" Jacub said. Tanishashanqua wasn't sure at first since this was her dad and this meant that he was a lying cheator on her mother because shes a year older than angela (Tanishashanqua is 18) so now she had a reason to rebel.

“Yikes, gotta feel bad for Tanishashanqua. Her dad went an’ cheated on her mom, and her half-sister tried to kill them,” Cherry said with a wince.

"Jacob you go find Alicia and do that." Tanishashanqua said while taking control of the situation.

“Tanishashanqua is the true boss here, I would trust her with my life,” Asahi nodded his head. “I fully expect to die, but I’d trust her to get the job done efficiently.”

 She was preparing to distance, I could really tell. Jacub ran off and then Edowerd Tanishashanqua and me were left. "We need to go find Alec and Jane, some is telling me that they are more into this than we think." Tanishashanqua said and with that we were off to go an interrogate the two.

“Well, they are part of the Volturi,” Cherry reminded. “So it makes sense they’re involved.”

AN: I have decided on what I will do after kronicals I will write a prequel telling of how angela became the vampire bitch that she is today I hope you all red it when it comes out BUT THIS ISNT ADVETISING SO DON'T TAKE IT THAT WAY GEEEZE

“I would rather skinny dip in a shark tank with a bleeding wound than read the prequel,” Asahi growled, glaring at the screen. “And yes, this is technically advertising.”

“Also,” Briar interjected, “Why implement this in the middle of the chapter? Why not wait to type that until the end, at the authors note?”

“Cause that requires common sense, an’ we all know she lacks it,” Cherry explained, twirling some hair around her finger.

But Tanishashanqua and jacub couldn't do it so they caem back. Then we were the 5 crusdaers again because clarity was a robot for arrow who was piloting her quickly. The 5 of us were there to crusade against esme and shit so we went out to buy dresses and suits for the guys for the upcoming school dance.

“Well, that is nice. The girls buying the guys their suits,” Briar said, nodding her head. “I nice little switch of gender norms. I approve.”

“Oh yeah, a mandator and stupid dance,” Cherry sighed, shaking her head. “I kind of hate it.”

“Kind of?” Asahi asked, raising a brow.

 I had a feel that esme would attack then because she is a mega fucking bitch who ruins everything he touches.

“Can you leave her alone? Your hatred of her makes about as much sense as your hatred for Swan,” Asahi complained. “And that is, none. It makes zero sense.”

We went to the market district [AN: ITS FAR FROM THE GETTO ONE TANISHASHQNA DOESN'T COME OUT HERE MUCH BECAUSE SHES POR]

“The emphasis is appreciated,” Briar snarked. “Classism, racism, and shaming someone for being poor. You really are talented at multitasking.”

to buy fresses for the dance. I saw one that was fucking beautiful with maching pink laces on the gown and Alicai told me to buy it. But at first I didn't have any money but then I remembered that when I killed Chardly I stole his wallt too so I opened that up and took the money from it.

“Wow,” Asahi said in disbelief. “First you kill him, pretend to feel guilty about it, keep pretending that you have to redeem yourself for it, and now you use the money you stole from him to buy a dress. A fucking dress.” He buried his face in his hands to muffle his snarl. “How do you still think you’re a good person?”

I felt bad for about a second I mean it was his fault he dyed the stupid fucker

Asahi moved to bite his arm to muffle the screaming as Cherry patted him on the back. “Rude. It’s not his fault he died, that’s on you, bitch,” she stated.

so I took the money and began to use it to pay for the dress when then I saw who the casher was!

"CHADLEY WHAT THE FUOCK" I scremed! Jacub Edowedr Alicai and Tanishahsnqua all looked amazed and then scared and then worried. "I thought you died" I sed crying because this was so emenstionul for me.

Asahi let go of his arm to stare up with frustration and confusion, even Briar reeled back from that. “Wait, so Charlie is alive, now?” She asked, confused. “He somehow survived, he’s retired from being a cop and is now a cashier?”

"actuall you killed me swine" he sed.

“She absolutely is swine,” Asahi agreed.

I looked at him and he was a vampire just like Edowerd and Alicai and Esme and Angela and all the others.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKER YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT" I screemed! I mean geeze he didn't have to go do that if he was alive all along.

“Her logic is insane,” Cherry groaned. “He survived, she didn’t kill him, an’ now she’s pissed because he’s alive? The fuck?”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all,” Asahi groaned.

"But wait we flamed the house" edowerd spoke to say. "how can you be?!"

"Esme saved me fool she took my body and vamped it out" he sed and then he stuck his arm out at me and graped my throat. It really fucking hurt but not as much as the payne in my heart from having to have to put down chadley again for being an abomeration.

“This is absolutely justified. You killed him, and now he’s getting his revenge,” Briar defended, a tight frown on her face. “Secondly; abomination? I suppose by that logic, Alicia and Edward are both abominations as well. I’m sure they’d love to know that’s what you think of them.”

“Oh, they won’t care at all, because it’s Becca,” Cherry grumbled.

Asahi shrugged, “I mean, Cullen, canonically, always hated himself and saw himself as a monster and abomination. He, and I hate to say this, would absolutely agree with her if she called him one.”

I cut off his hand with my Katana and then engaged him in combat.

"fuck you" I said and then cut his head off. His body fell.

Sighing, Asahi’s body began to sag. “Why can’t you just leave the Swan’s alone?”

"Yay way to go" Jacub chwrd and me but then he got all scared all of a sudden! "Rebecca look at the scene!" he said trying to warn me! I looked back and there was the head! It was floating and being!

“Floatin’ heads. Such an inconvenience,” Cherry yawned. 

"WHAT!? BUT I KILLED YOU!" I SCREAMED

"you did not kill me hard enough fool" he sed and then tore my dress in half with his zombie toeth. "Besides before I die I have to tell you the secret of what Esme is going to kill you with!" he scremed

“Why would you tell her that?” Briar asked. “Keep it a secret, don’t make it harder for Esme to kill her.”

“But that would be smart, and TwilightRova is incapable of writing a smart character,” Asahi explained.

 so then I stopped trying to kill him to listen. If he had disciplined earlier none of this would have ever happened it was all fucking chadley's fault!

His eyes went back to the screen and his brows furrowed. “She always I a professional at shifting the blame.”

“It’s quite a talent,” Cherry agreed.

"what" I sed huffing expectantly

"Esme is going to mutate the town using radio waves from the radio station! And if you do not stop her than she is going to nuke everything!"

“Mutate the town, then nuke everything?” Briar asked, trying to follow the logic, but trying to cut metal with a feather would be an easier task. “What point is there in mutating a town if you’ll just nuke it all after? That’s an unnecessary step.”

 then he finished and opened a portal and flew his head in and then the portal closed as I called him a fucker because right now hes being one goddamit.

"We have to fight aggrsively Esme will mutate the entire town if we do not stop the radio from spreading! She has the nuke and she will use it if we lose!" Alicai said taking out her gun. Tanishashanqua also took out her gun Jacub took out his ax and Edowerd his nales as the Crusdaer Crew got ready for battle.

“So, Edward is suddenly in the clear, now?” Cherry asked, tilting her head as she subjected herself to torment by rereading the text. “Did I miss an apology or explanation?”

“Nah, she got tired of shitting on him,” Asahi said.

 We left the store but before that I all got my dance dress on because the chaser was dead wich meant free clothes!

“So now you’re shoplifting,” Cherry frowned. “You’re not even tryin’ to pretend to be good, now, are you?”

“She really has nosedived down,” Asahi agreed.

When we got to the outside Esme was flying in the air. The sky was green from the radio's waves. Rose was flying too because she can be a fucking bitch.

"SUCK ON MY VOLCAN BAKEMEAT REBECA YOU SHIT MUFIN" Esme sop and Rose confom it

“Volcan… bakemeat?” Asahi repeated, sounding out the words as if they were a foreign language. “I… what?”

“Is she just trying to say; ‘suck on my dick’?” Briar asked.

That's when her army of zombies appeared and shit went residint evil on us the zombies were under esme's control so when she told them to attack they listened.

Cherry groaned and resumed tugging on her hair. “She is going to make me despise Resident Evil, ain’t she?”

“Probably,” Asahi confirmed, earning another whine from her.

 Anya the bold and serkades were there too. But you know what fuck this shit I'm tired of these fuockers.

"FUCK YOU" I said as I took out my katana and cut off anyas head because guess what IM TRIED OF YOU RUNNING MY STORY WITH YOUR BAD INFLICTS ON EVERTHING GO BACK TO TH WHOLE YOU CLIMBED FROM!

“Of course, that’s the mature response to not liking someone’s attempts to do their job, because you are such a mature person,” Briar said, her tone robotic to mask just how exhausted she was becoming from reading all of this.

“You’re tired of them?” Asahi asked and waved his hand at himself and the girls. “We’re tired of your shit.”

Then I saw serkades but it was fine because Edowedr chopped his dick off with a chainsad they got from alicai.

“Who the absolute fuck is Serkades?” Cherry demanded. “Please, God, someone tell me who the fuck that is supposed to be!”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, I suppose, seeing as he’s dead,” Briar said, attempting a modicum of comfort.

Not that it helped. Cherry began tugging on her pigtail even harder. “That makes it worse! He died an’ I have no idea who he is, and it’s drivin’ me crazy!”

"that is is Esme, Rebecca, we cannot die" I was told but there was too much fighting I culdnt tell who sed it. Whoever they are they were right. I took a gun from serkades because drug dealers have guns and shot it at Esme but her shield pooped up and she burned the shot to the ground! I fell distressed and dazzled because what the fuock can I even do in this situation.

“You can die. That’s still an option,” Asahi pointed out. “That is the ideal option, in fact.”

"REBECCA!" Jacub shouted from afar "I BELIEVE IN YOU!" and with that I was better. Alicai my friend came running towards me wile Jacub and Tanishahsanqua fought zombies and shit.

"To defeat her you need to rock the fuck out" alicai told me as she handed me a rocking electic gitar made out of diamond from mars all for an awesome solo wile she took out an expensiv blood-ruby encrusted gold fiddle and got ready to fuck the rock out of me.

Cherry blinked, opened her mouth, closed it, and waited a few seconds before trying aain. “I’m sorry? What?” she said, struggling just to get those words out. “Did this turn into a fiddle contest with the Devil? What is this, Georgia?”

"take this… it is… a jew!"

“A Jew?” Briar asked.

“A Jew,” Asahi confirmed.

Neither really understood it, or why it was a Jew. But apparently it was a Jew.

 I looked at esme in the sky and punked the fuck out. We busted into a song that pursed the heavens of everything it had and bellowed to hell itself and then the core of the planet causing the molten iron in it to rush out like a Vulcan and bake the fucking shit off of esme's face which it did. The earth shattered in half braking apokalypticly because of my beautiful lyrics.

“Destroying the world isn’t really a good thing,” Briar frowned. “Though, nothing you do is necessarily good, so this fits right in with the rest of your actions.”

"AAARRRGGGHHH REBECCA!"

"YES!?" I screemed to esme who was being fired and burned by the firey hot magma of my sin

“Finally ya admit you’re a filthy sinner like the rest of us,” Cherry laughed.

“Don’t lump her in with us,” Asahi growled, hitting her on the shoulder. “She is far, far worse.”

"FUCK YOU" she screemd and then teleported away but Rose didn't she got caught in the flames of ym torture and then the olten iron became a hand which dragged her down into hell.

"REBECCA SAVE ME" she screemed so I stopped my solo but it was too late Rossey was sicked into a molten spicy hellish land that is pretty bad but not as bad as what goes on in my heart mot of the time. Fuck you if you don't thnk Rebecca is deep.

“Fuck me, I guess,” Asahi sighed, looking up at the ceiling in desperate hope for some form of salvation, but found none. There would never be any no matter how hard and often he looked.

Cherry stuck out her tongue. “Becca is about as deep as a post-sprinkle puddle.”

Anyways after that we went home because seriously I was fucking done with everything today my dress was burned clarty was a piloted and angela was on the moon and now rossey's in fuckign hell which is just bad but I secretly thinks that she deserves it.

“Just continue to rack up those ‘good person’ points, at this rate you’ll be in Hell’s V.I.P. section before long,” Asahi said, making a motion of writing a tally in the air. “Though, let’s be honest, Hell is a vacation day for you.”

As he said that, the text began scrolling as chapter 32 – prom shown on the screen. Before it could get much further, Cherry stood up and shimmied out into the main aisles. “I need a break,” she declared, massaging her scalp. “My head’s startin’ to really hurt.”

Looking over his shoulder, Asahi rolled his eyes. “Considering you kept tugging at your hair, it’s no wonder your head hurts,” he chided, his voice void of any sympathy for her plight. “Stop using your pigtails as stress ropes and you might not have a headache. I’m surprise you’re not bald yet withal that pulling.”

“Says the guy who’s the reason I’m gonna go home with a bruised arm an side,” Cherry bit back, though there was no real venom to it as she pushed open the doors. “I’m getting some ice, see if that’ll help the pain go away. Y’all best get your asses up and out here if you want anything, too.”

Briar shrugged, slowly rising from her seat. “I could do for some movement,” she said, and as she got out into the aisles to walk, Asahi followed after, making a beeline for the restrooms.

These breaks never lasted long, but they were nice, brief respites to have.

#Twilight #Fanfiction #MST3k Style Riffing #MST

[thetheatermst]

Fuck’s High School Pt. 2

They had taken more than a little break. Roughly half an hour had gone by before the three of them had returned to their seats to sit and endure more of this hell of a story. It was a well-deserved half of an hour, of course.

They spent it chatting. Talking about this and that, the sort of things they had been up to since they had last seen each other, and what they were expecting in the coming days.

Asahi and Cherry hadn’t had anything too exciting, but Briar regaled them with how immediately after the last session she had cleared out a mine of a horde of kobolds. They had listened with rapt attention as she detailed the dark, winding tunnels of the mines, the broken scaffolding she and rugged walls she had to scale, holding a torch between her teeth, the low flames licking her cheeks as she climbed, ever aware of each and every little sound, hypervigilant for the slightest sign of a monster closing in on her.

They had gasped and twitched when she spoke of throwing a pouch of oil down a sloped tunnel and setting it ablaze, burning a handful of kobolds alive, and then how the rest of the group surged her, a swarm of small, vicious creatures coming at her with teeth and claws as she fought them off in the small, cramped space of the tunnels.

Even after, Briar had to continue to investigate every tunnel, every crevice, every little hiding space, to be sure that no kobold had gotten away. Only after a thorough search did she leave, with the corpses of several in tow, returning to the miners with proof of her job, and being paid a small satchel of coin in return.

She had even undid her shirt and armor to show them both the still healing wound she had received from one on her hip. It was closed, thread keeping it shut, but it was still an angry, swollen red, and would clearly scar. The wound was simultaneously horrific and awe-inspiring.

Though they would have rather kept telling stories and talking, eventually the three were forced to return to the task at hand, taking back their seats, settling in, and watching as the theater grew dim and the screen began to glow with sinful text.

AN: So Ive been tiping more offten now so my speeling wuld be better liek you all sed. SEE I CAN TAKE CRITISISM WEHN I TINK IST RIGHT

“Except all evidence points to the opposite for criticism,” Asahi muttered as he angrily munched on some popcorn. “You are horrible at taking criticism.”

Cherry sighed as she adjusted her soda and the many packs of treats she’d brought onto her lap and into the empty chair beside her. “Let’s just hope ya kept your word about the spellin’ improvements.”

Editor's note: No. Fuck it. I can't do this.

“Understandable, though her editor didn’t last very long” Briar said with a nod, “Though it’s questionable as to why she would upload this with that note attached.”

“Because the reality is there was no editor, just TwilightRova doing this shit to mess with people,” Asahi grumped.

I QUIT. I FUCKING QUIT. AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT? I WIN BECAUSE I HELD UP ROVA FOR TWO YEARS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

He held his hand out to the screen in a ‘see!’ gesture. “And that’s just validating that this is a trollfic,” he said, and lowered his hand. “Not that it makes this any better.”

Fuck it I can't even edit this chapter someone else go do it for Rova because I cant' even at this point

“Again, understandable. No one would willingly subject themselves to this,” Briar nodded again.

CHAPTER 12: A NEW DAYU

“New day,” Cherry repeated, “new sufferin.”

Today was a nice day in Forks as I got up from my bed. Just like other houms, my home had a bedroom, where I was.

Asahi rolled his eyes, “I’d assume most houses that people live in have a bedroom,” he said, eating some more popcorn. “Kinda pointless for a home to not have a space to sleep.”

“Unless it’s a Sims house,” Cherry added. “Cause then ya can make it without a bedroom. You can make ‘em live in an empty box if you want.”

 That stupid slut Bella had been sleping in this room before I moved into it, and becaus of that I now lived ni the bedroom.

Lowering his hand down and dumping the popcorn back into the bucket, Asahi squinted and reread the line. “Did you seriously kick Bella out of her own room?” he asked and then took in a deep breath to calm himself. “No, no. We’re not even halfway through the chapter. Don’t get angry too fast.”

Bella dat stupid slut now lived in the shack in the backyard of the house.

“I still can’t understand why she hates Bella so much, she’s done nothing so far to warrant any of it,” Briar murmured as she covered her mouth with her knuckles. “Is she jealous of her? Does she just hate her for the sake of hating her?”

“I’m also concerned over the fact that two teens are living in the house alone, with Charlie being dead,” Asahi said, paused, and shook his head. “Correction, one teen is living in a house, the other is living in a shed.”

“Even worse!” Cherry interjected.

 She had all of her prostitushin rackets set up back there. Stupid jocks line up every night in order to tape her ass.

“Prostitution is a normal occupation, and it should be treated with the same respect as any other job,” Briar frowned, tapping her fingers against the damaged armrest. “It provides a service, and the men and women who offer that service shouldn’t be shamed for it. If you want to shame someone, shame the ones seeking that service.”

Cherry looked over to her with a raised brow, “Ya kinda sound like you’ve got experience with that thing.”

Sighing, Briar rolled her shoulders back, “Brothels are fairly common where I’m from. Or I suppose prostitution is as common where I am from as it is where you two are. We’re just more open and accepting of them, it would seem.”

She paused to think it over and then let out a sharp laugh. “Some are shady, mistreat the women and men there, but there are others that take great care in their workers and have strict rules,” she said with a tight smile. “I’ve once gotten to witness a Grand Duke be kicked out of one because he failed to follow the rules of the establishment. He tried to hire me as a thug to intimidate them for him, but I refused.”

 But thats enough of Bella lets go back to focusing on me.

Asahi frowned, “But I want to keep talking about Bella. She’s way more interesting.”

I woke up agin this morning an then I went downstairs. I realized I was nude but chadley no longer lived here sins I killed him.

“I’m still upset that he was killed,” Briar sighed. “Over a key, no less!”

he had died and i attended his fuenerel. I was very sad at his funeral and Bella was very emo she slit her wrists at least fourteen times. I think that she lost about 12 gallons of blood when she was doing that.

“I don’t get what you’re sad about,” Asahi huffed as he crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re the one who killed him! But it makes sense Bella is going to be depressed over it; you murdered her dad!”

“An’ that’s way more blood than the human body even has,” Cherry added, glaring at the screen. “Humans only have about one and a half gallons, at most!”

All of the bloid had spilled into chadley's coffin and it created a beautiful scene of blood. I love blood and all of the Collins love blood as well.

Maybe dat is because the Collins are vampires.

“The vampires are attracted and hungry for the blood?” Briar asked innocently, covering her mouth in mock shock. “Who could have come to such a blatantly obvious conclusion!”

 Vampires, you see, like to drink the blood of humans. Animals blood will not cut it for vampires they will always have that sense of bloodliust.

“Except, the Cullen’s have been doing pretty well the last hundred or so years of being vegetarians and feeding only off of animal blood,” Asahi countered.

“I won’t be surprised if she changes it, makes them feed off humans,” Cherry added.

Anyways I wke up and then wanted to go to school again. I couldnt wait to get up and go to school because today we were nominating people for class presidwnt, which is a very prestigious role to fill.

Briar sighed, shaking her head. “Why am I not surprised you are running for class president.”

“Was there any doubt she would?” Asahi asked her. “Swansin needs to be the center of attention, of course she’ll run for office.”

Last year Angel a was the class president but then she became a vampire and killed all of bella's friends. i slmost fel bad for bella but she was a major fuicking bitch before that happened and now shes better so I kind of like angela for doing that I guess.

Rising to his feet, Asahi raised a fist to the air. “Justice for Bella!”

Anywas I got to the parking lot

“Did you walk?” Briar asked, raising an eyebrow. “Did your stolen vehicle miraculously return?”

 and found edowred talking to his sister Alicia and his weirdo friend jaspor who was just parking his awdi.

“I know you said ‘weirdo friend’ but we know ya meant ‘clanmate and adopted brother’,” Cherry corrected.

“And Jasper doesn’t drive Audi’s, he doesn’t even drive cars!” Asahi added, angrily throwing his hands into the air. “The man is a motorcyclist!”

"Hi edowerd hoes it going" I asked woundering hiw his day was going

"doth far it havth bineth so goodeth" he retoted

Briar let out a horrified, and rather undignified, cry of disgust. “I know I shouldn’t be surprised by it anymore, but his way of speech never gets less horrifying.”

I loked over at jaspor from where I was standing and talking to edowerd and Alicia. there he was all alone. Jasper had a ver tan feca for an transsecual. He was holding briught purpler maskara and he has white feac paint on.

Giving Briar a cautious glance, Cherry frowned, “Can ya not with the transphobia an’ ugly makeup?”

“More importantly,” Briar added, surprisingly calm despite her history of lashing out when TwilightRova started talking about ‘transsecuals’ in this story. “How is Alicia so easily integrating back into school when she was just broken out of jail and is a fugitive on the run?”

Asahi shrugged. “The answer is simply that the author didn’t care enough.”

He was listenin to his androwd phone becuz hes a loser and doesn't use appel phones like evrybody else does.

Sighing, Asahi leaned back to stare at the ceiling for a few moments, mentally debating if he actually wanted to do this. He didn’t. But he might as well. “Okay, look, I’m going to lay down some facts, and it’s not solely because I am an Android user,” he said with another sigh to indicate his reluctance.

“As of 2022, the global mobile OS market share put Android in the lead with close to seventy-one percent, while iOS—Apple, has been stagnant at around twenty-eight for a while. That’s about a little over fourty-percent difference, with Android clearly in the lead,” Asahi explained, his hands making vague gestures as he spoke. “Android market shares has been steadily increasing while Apple has stayed roughly stagnant, trapped in the twenty-thirty range for years.”

He held his hands out, “Some people use iOS. Some use Android. Some still use basic landlines, what type of phone someone uses ultimately does not matter,” Asahi finished, leaned back, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Android is better, though.”

"Okay edowerd its time for historee again" I remineded edowerd. If it wasn't for me edowerd would never be anywere on time because he's sooooo forgetfull.

“I doubt that,” Briar scoffed. “He’s likely doing this so you feel better about your own inabilities.”

Alicai smild and wavved as we went indoors but no then she screamed

“Honestly? I’d be screamin’ too, if I had to put up with this,” Cherry shrugged.

"LOOK OUT ITS FUCKiNG COPS" when suddenly the police came.

“Officers,” Asahi hollered, as if that would make them hear him, “If you want to earn your badges, then aim for Swansin!”

There were two of them both with guns in their pickets just like Alicia has. When Alicia swa them she took ot her gin and ran into the building. She ran right down the halls past me and edowerd and pushed tanishashankwua out of the way as she was braidin her hare.

“It’s a cops raid on a school,” Cherry mused as she leaned back into her seat. “Either gonna be fun, or be a disaster.”

“My vote is on a disaster,” Asahi deadpanned.

i luked at dem all fuouriosly.

"why do you think she's running" I questioned edowerd

Briar ran a hand down her face, unable to believe such stupidity was humanly possible. “She just screamed ‘cops’, and she is on the run from the law after escaping prison,” she explained, painfully slowly. “Why do you think she ran?”

"I think shes going to go hide her drugs" he answered. I was glad that edowerd was here to answer all of the hard qestions for me.

“Ya broke her out of jail, but figuring out why she might not wanna be around cops right away is such a hard question for ya?” Cherry demanded in disbelief. “Answer me this; how many time did ya get dropped on yer head as a baby?”

I luked deeply into his raven colured eyerises as he spoek

"stop mothafuggas it's the law" stampeded oine of the officers. Then the black guy flshed and we were assoured fo his status.

“Time to earn your keep, boys,” Asahi declared.

"what can we do for you offiser" I asked qietly

"we are investigatin the dissapeerence of chadley swan" they told me.

“There wasn’t a disappearance. There was a funeral an’ everythin’!” Cherry shouted at the screen. “Shouldn’t investingatin’ his murder be more important? Especially since he got killed in his own house?”

 "Chadley was a good friend of mine and he wsnted you to know that he left evurything to you Rebecca because he hated that whore bella." I nodded in assumpsion, because she was rioght.

Asahi took in a deep breath, “Justice for Bella Swan!”

“Every time I feel more and more disgusted,” Briar growled. “Charlie was a decent man who loved his daughter dearly. He may have been awkward at showing it, but it was obvious enough.”

Chadley wasn't that angry when I killed him because he understud me. Charley waz why I came to live in fourks in the first palce. He was so dispointed in bella that he wanted new dawter.

“You can’t just turn your niece into your daughter just because you want to,” Asahi scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest tightly. “Trust me.”

Cherry looked at him for a moment. “I’ve got questions, but my curiosity is outweighed by the pure rage I feel at knowin’ the bitch killed Charlie even though she was apparently his ‘new daughter’.”

 Anyways he wouldn't be ded for long because we plan on bringin him back to luife by turning him into a vampiore!

“Against his consent?” Briar asked with an arched brow. “Rude, and impractical. He’s been dead for too long to become a vampire. Try a different undead creature.”

Edowerd suddenly whispered into my feac "Lady rebecca I doth believeth that these meneth doeth noteth noeth thateth weeth hast killedeth chadlyeeth"

Sighing, she shook her head. “Saying that in front of the cops is not a great idea,” Briar said, then paused. “Actually, say more in front of the authorities. With luck they will arrest you.”

"OH MY FUOCKING GOID" I scramed

“Not Judah?” Asahi asked innocently.

 because he was right. I frewked OUIT! I took edwrds hand and ran at my fastest speed away rfom the cops. We had to finde a plan owt and then cover it fast, otherwise I might get in truble and have to leave fourks! I wuld have to leeve EDOWERD!

“Look, they don’t know you killed him, right? You just need to act normal, and everythin’ will be—” Cherry cut herself off with a sigh, shaking her head, “Right, never mind. Ya wouldn’t know what ‘normal’ was if it hit ya in the face.”

CHAPTRE 13: THE LECSHURE

As I rain down the hal at the quickest speed I thought baeck to my life hear in fourks. Wen I first got hear, it was chadley who introdooced me to al of his fiends and familly.

“He sounds like he was a good uncle,” Briar murmured.

 Without him bella and I wouldnt of had anything in comon. What wuld everybuddy think if they learned that I was the one who kiled chadley? Would any of them still accept me as their friend?

“They would rightfully hate you,” Asahi stated. “Charlie was a wonderful man, and you would be sentenced for murdering him.”

“You’ll probably get life without parole,” Cherry added.

 Would edowerd love me anymore? Would I be able to hoke up with any guys I likd?

“Idiot. Edward already knows you killed him, he was there,” Asahi said with a roll of his eyes. “Most guys would not want to hook up with a murderer. But Edward is clearly down with it.”

"Rebecca gurl wassup" asked tanishashanqua who was for my literachure clas.

Cherry raised an eyebrow. “Thought you said you had history, why are you in literature?”

"not much gurl" I sed back. The teecher Mr. Cleerwater stated to talk about his lectur when I beagan to get bord.

“Understandable,” Cherry continued, nodding her head.

“Not understandable,” Asahi countered with a glare. “Literature is fun!”

"Wurks maed in dis time period were made in the modernist period. As a genrah modernism id difficult to defaine because there are no set kwalifyers that determine if sumthing is modernistic or not. Despite the lac of a koncreate definition it is stil posible to determinh if a work is modernisitic or noit.

“Maybe it’s because it’s so badly written, but I feel like this is simultaneously true and not true.”

Cherry shrugged. “A lotta the early modernist writers addressed rebellin’ against the main, clear-cut an’ formulaic version of storytellin’. It was also around World War One an it’s better known sequel, so there was a lot of disillusionment going around,” she explained. “It focused a lot on individualism, symbolism, experimentin’ with new techniques, and just embracing the absurdity of writin’.”

Asahi looked to her with a small smirk. “I thought you found literature boring.”

“I do,” Cherry stated, cheeks a faint tint of pink. “It’s dull as hell, but I do pay attention in class.”

 I argu that Bernisee Boobs Her Hair

“…What?” Asahi asked, baffled.

 is a piece of literashure efectedby modernism b/c of the mane caracters alienation form teen sosiety, the wurk's analisis of a formeing generashional gap, and da pushing fo social boundries in wich the mane character indules in,,,"

“I’m trying to figure out what the hell the book she’s talking about is, and I’m drawing up blanks,” Asahi complained. “I shouldn’t be drawing blanks. Books are my thing! But ‘Bernisee Boobs Her Hair’? I can’t even think of what that might supposed to be!”

Briar shrugged. “You’re as lost as we are on this.”

“It sucks!” he complained, lurching forward, and grabbing his head. “The protagonist alienating themselves from teen society? Analyzing the formation of a generational gap? Pushing social boundaries? Those are amazing themes! I want to read this, but I don’t know what book she’s talking about!”

Cherry reached over to pat him half-heartedly on his arched back. “Hey, for all we know ‘Bernisee Boobs Her Hair’ ain’t even a real book an’ you’re just stressin’ over nothin’.”

I stooped listening to the fuicking boreing lecshure going on because I new that school was a waist of time and that we shouldbt be talking about ded people anways.

Looking up from his despair over the book, Asahi narrowed his eyes and glared. “Wrong,” he snapped.

“Very wrong,” Briar added with more bite. “History is important. It’s crucial we learn from the mistakes of the dead, so we can better ourselves and improve. But… if you think learning is such a waste of time, then you’re more than welcome to spend the rest of your life in poverty, slaving away on a farm because you don’t have the education or skills to do anything but plant vegetables and feed pigs. Then you might have to be sold for less than the price of a goat because your family needs the money and your inadequacies have left you more a burden to them than anything.”

Cherry frowned at her, “That’s a bit insultin’ to farmers an’ a lot of other people,” she warned. “Farmin’ is a perfectly fine job, it’s an important job. Besides, sellin’ people is illegal. At least it is, here.”

“Sorry,” Briar said, not really sounding all that apologetic. “Cultural difference. Farmers are great, I agree, they’re important beyond words. But, and I am speaking for my world only, the average farmer does not have too great of an education. If you don’t attend a school or take on an apprenticeship, if you don’t learn, there is little else you will be able to do besides farm work.”

Asahi shrugged. “Makes sense. We’re talking about a world that’s basically still in the dark ages. Not the brightest people.”

That earned him a smack on the head. “Rude,” Briar state.

Besides if I had any qustions about the paste I could just ask edowerd since he was born in 190.

Looking away from the other two, Cherry gave out a sharp laugh. “Edward’s old, but he ain’t that old.”

“He was born in 1901,” Asahi added, nursing the spot of his head he got smacked. “He’s over a century.”

"psst tanishashanqua" I tryd to get her atention but it loked like she was to busy talking notes.

“Like a good student,” Briar nodded.

 Tanishadshanqua cums from a getto neyborhood in fourks were peple get robed and shot a lot. Tanshina had red scarlet hare from her head drapping down to her but wich was very pretty but nt very easy to taek caer of. But she did her hare in a getto way so it loked fuckign ugly most of the tiem.

Scoffing, Briar shook her head. “Rude.”

“I’ll have ya know that those ‘ghetto’ hairstyles you’re sayin’ are so ugly are actually  really, really cool and pretty,” Cherry countered with a bite, before pausing and shrugging. “If ya, you know, actually take care of your hair. But anyone’s hair an’ any hairstyle can look gross if yer not takin’ the proper care.”

For sumone who alwaeys does peples hares she cant do her own very wel.

"god (judah) gurl what is it" she angrilee ansered. Shanquas god is also Judah like just me.

“Judah is not God. Unless you’re making up a fictional god, Judah is a son of Jacob,” Asahi gritted out. “If you’re talking about Judaism, their God is the same God in Christianity and Islamism. Hence why it’s called the Abrahamic Religions. It’s the same God, different methods of worship.”

He followed up with a defeated sag of his shoulders. “But I’m not a religious expert, and I don’t have the energy to try and dig more.”

"is it bad to kill someone if they are hurtin sumone you hold closse"

"hell fucking yea" she happilee exckaimed

"but why" I wonderered

"becase if the popo cetch ya then youll get your ass thrown in jhail cracka"

"oh" I realized. Mr. Cleerwater was still taking very boringlee about thinsg that just didnt apply to me.

“Murder is a generally frowned upon act in most circumstances. I won’t say it’s not complicated—there are situations where killing someone is necessary, but—” Briar directed a very pointed glare to the screen. “Killing Charlie had no justification and was very much, not okay.”

",,, a metaphor for the transfomeshin that amerikan sosiety was maekin in the jaz era. Modernist valyoos and a diselusionment frum the great war evokd progresive konsepts that were new and bould, sum reseeved wel and others reseeved poorly. The conflict between Bernise and Marjoree is indikativ of clashs in sosietal norms that transishional America wuz fasing"

Asahi groaned and buried his face in his hands. “As an avid reader, the way she’s bastardizing what would have been an interesting lecture kills me.”

He finaly finished and I was gladf becuse that was serioiusly the most borng piece of shit lectur I ever had to site through and reed. But now I could talk to edowerd and go find Alicia so that was good.

“Does your entire life revolve around Edward?” Cherry asked, then sighed. “Who am I kiddin’, of course it does!”

"Hey edowerd what are we doing about the cops" I asked

"wee doth need to destroyeth thine evidence or putteth the blameth on someone elserth" he answered grately.

Asahi rose to his feet, “I know what you’re thinking,” he growled, hunching over like an animal about to attack, “and don’t you fucking dare. Do not pin this on Bella!”

" I wasn't too shure about this because I wanted to do gud things dep down. I thoght it was helping Alicia to kill chadley but I guess im just misunderstud.

Briar ran a hand down her face, ring and index finger pulling on her lower eyelids as her middle traced the bridge of her nose. “You are an absolute idiot who thought that murdering Charlie was the right thing to do, to get a set of keys,” she said, moving her hand to join Asahi in standing. “You never even tried to consider an alternative way of freeing her that wouldn’t involve bloodshed. Such as, oh, I don’t know; having her use her vampiric super strength to break the bars and free herself? Or having Emmett, whose unique vampire power is being physically stronger than the average vampire, break her out?”

She reached to grasp her wrist, holding it tight as some form of self-restraint. “You could have waited until Charlie had fallen asleep to take the keys. You could have just been patient,” she said with unrestrained anger in her voice. “You just had to think for more than five seconds!”

“But that’s the problem,” Asahi said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “It requires her to think, and she can’t do that.”

Then the bell rang and I loked up. It was bella in the hall. I tought she loked like a fucking scank with syfilis in her fishnet stalkins and slutty pink miniskirts but I gess guys jsut liek that shit or sumthing.

“Look, I may not wanna see them on me, but fishnets an’ miniskirts are sexy,” Cherry shrugged. “Wearin’ that shit don’t make ya a skank.”

 Anyways the poiny of this is tht I realizd something.

"edowerd. I think I found someone who can taek the blame!" I sed.

Asahi collapsed back into his seat with a muffled scream as he covered his face with his arms and hands. “The one thing I asked you not to do!”

"Nay my lady weeth canteth doeth thateth Rebecca sheth iseth youreth cousin." Edowerd told me.

“Thank you, Edward!” Asahi shouted, uncovering his face. “Thank you for being the annoying voice of reason, for once!”

Eh loked so fuicking hawt undur the nergy efishent lights in the hall. Loking into his eys I had a memory in my head of whn we were kids. We where on the playgrownd in Mexico and she kicked a bounch of sand in my feace and then ran to her mom and said I did it. Judah (god) shes just so fuking jewvenile.

Briar raised an eyebrow in disbelief, “You guys lived in Mexico?” she asked. “That’s a big difference from living in Arizona, and you even lived with her as a kid?”

“But of course she was juvenile, you were freakin’ kids,” Cherry added before scoffing and looking away. “Can’t blame her for kickin’ sand in your face. I woulda done the same.”

"So what, she was always meen to me when I first came to fourks" I retoted.

"But she used to be my friends and Jakubs" Edowerd sed.

Asahi looked to the ceiling and growled. “Jacob and Edward only ever became friends when Jacob basically became his son-in-law, because of Meyers creepy pedophilia addition,” he grimaced as he recalled how she resolved that love triangle. Who the fuck thinks it’s okay to have a teenager fall in love with a newborn baby? “But yeah, sure, Jacob was a real good friend to her with what he helped Seth do to her”

 I admitt that he sotr fo had a point but then agin jabuc's friends did raep her that one time wich I liked because it gav her an atitood adjustmint.

“You just keep cementing the fact that you are a terrible person by trying to justify what happened to your cousin,” Briar scowled. “Reading it makes my blood boil.”

“You liked that they—that they just—” Cherry bit down on her hand to stop her scream. “You are the worst!”

"Ever since she got raped she changed" I pleated to edowerd.

Asahi took his empty cup and threw it at the screen. “I wonder why! Could it have been the trauma of the violent attack she suffered coupled with her own family mocking her for it and saying she deserved what happened to her? Could that have been why she ‘changed’?”

Now we here slowly waking down the hal to the presidents office so that I could run for the election. That was when SHE appeared! It was ROSE! And she was waking towards me at her ful potenshil.

Letting out a low sigh to release all the rage the last few bits of the story had created, Cherry leaned back with a tired smile. “The true queen has arrived.”

"Havent you dun enuff to her already?" Asked Rosey who had cum up to su in the hal to ask us about that.

“Yes, she has,” Asahi agreed, the girls nodding their heads along with him. “Thank you so much for noticing.”

Rosse was stading uprite and was easily a hed taler than me. She was paler then edowerd but had beyutiful blond hare wich flowed evanesentlee in the breez. Rosey iz always gettin in my bizness and begin a whiney bitch in geenral. I tel her that she can og fuock off sumtimes but she nevr listens unlik wedowrd.

“That’s because she’s not a pushover, she’s a woman who will not take shit from you and isn’t afraid of you and your manic tendencies,” Briar stated.

Edowird loked at me and then instately he understode wat I wantd. becuz the trtuh is hat i was slowlee failing fo him and I think he was faling for me too

Cherry rolled her eyes and blew a raspberry. “You’re still sayin’ you’re ‘slowly’ fallin’ in love with each other?” she asked. “Girl, ya been tryin’ to get in his pants since the first chapter.”

"Rossey why are doth here?" edowird inkwired for me

"Im hear to registr fro the posishin of president of the skool" she sed wiht hatrid in her voyse!

“She has my vote,” Asahi said, as if it were the most logical thing to do.

“And mine,” Briar added.

Cherry nodded, “I’d sooner vote for an actual mouse than for Becca.”

"WHA TDA FUOCK" I scraemed in foury. Edowird wuld have smaked rossey but he and me are too scared of her sinse shes an assassin.

“First off; good, be scared of her,” Asahi said, “Second; Edward wouldn’t have smacked her in the first place, she’s family. Third; when did she become an assassin—oh right. Newborn. Royce and his friends. The wedding dress. Yeah, I can see her being an assassin.”

"do I need to remind u that I hav a lisens to kill Rebecca" rossey asked. i shut up becuz theres no way edowrid culd take rossey in a fight. Shes just way to powurful.

“Rosalie, you could kill ‘em both right now, and no one would mind,” Cherry laughed. “I want them to fight so she can tear them both to pieces.”

 "im just kiddin gurl. But seriosly don't cross me bitoc" she warned before she waked ot of the presidont registashin rum. Judah (God) rosey is such a bitch. It's good though because shes a assassin and its her job to kill people and because shes a vampier she has a speshal deal with the FBI to let her murdr peple.

Briar stared up at the screen, “That’s not how any of that works,” she said before lowering her head in exhaustion. “But, whatever.”

But anyways then deowred and me went and registurd for the cvampain. But then jsut as we were waking out of the rum da two poleece offisirs akosted us.

"WE SIAD STOOP MOTHAFUOGGERS" they SCRAEMD and then da officer waved his pisstul at great shot towards me an edowerd.

“Please,” Asahi cried, “I’m begging you to shoot her!”

 Suddenly rosy came and she tuk out her two guns and shout the bullet in mid aer, and pointed the gunms at da ofisers. She hade taken her sunglases off wich ment dat she ment serious bizness noaw.

"bitch plz ill fuck u both up" she sed smoothlee.

“Look girl, I know you’d fuck us all up, but why are ya shootin’ the cops?” Cherry asked. “Shoot at Rebecca! Look, I’ll give ya all my paychecks for the next year if ya kill her!”

 Den she shot one of the ofisers in her brest and she scramed "OWWWW" she screamed loudlee. "get out of here you wil onlee get in da way" she sed angrilee to us. If she wusnt heplign us rite now I wuld smaeck her for bein such a biotch but dat wasnt the situashin rite no w so I culdnt.

“You strike her, and you will lose your hand,” Briar warned.

“I want her to do that,” Asahi muttered, “I want her to lose her hand.”

Meenwile Edowerd and mee ran az fast az i culd, huryeing. We onlee had dis one chans to frame bella for chadleys deth and THIS WAS IT!

“Damn it all!” Asahi yelled.

chaptwer 15 - edowerds chois

Cherry sighed, “Whatever the choice is, it’ll be the wrong one.”

Edowerd and me ran duwn the hals of the skool trying not to get hti by the bulets from roses two guns.

“So now Rosalie is shooting them?” Briar asked.

Cherry lurched forward, a grin split across her face, “Fuck yeah!”

"EVERYBDOY HIT THE FUCKIng DEK" Mr cleerwater screemed at the tiop of his vice. A bunch of the students weer runnin and jumin and trying to not gethuit by the bulets flyinhg evreywere.

“Understandable,” Cherry said with a nod, still looking fired up by Rosalie’s actions, “I’d be freakin’ out if someone shot up my school.”

“That’s something I never get about American schools,” Asahi said shaking his head. “You guys make it so easy for bad people to go over and shoot the place up. And then you expect turning off the lights and closing all the doors will deter a shooter.”

Cherry shrugged, “Blame Congress.”

 Mike nuton who had survivd earlyer becuz he had an emergencee braen transfushin got shot in his you no wat and was ded for real.

Asahi raised an eyebrow, “…Okay?” he said slowly. “I mean, I feel bad for him just on where he got shot. But… We were under the impression he was already dead. Bringing him back out of nowhere just to kill him again really does nothing. He’s basically a nameless mook.”

I felt bad for the ofisers becuz they weree going to di e today and there waz nothung they culd do to kil rose becaus she was a vampier who wurked for the govermint. I guess thats how the Collinss have alwas manajed to stasy hiden.

“Couldn’t be due to all the effort and hard work they put into never being discovered, could never be that,” Briar said with a roll of her eyes.

Suddenly the hole skool was bein invaded by police men. They were jumpin trhough the windoes of the skoll and were sprayin the pace with t here buillets. One of them jumped out in front of me and loked scray.

Asahi looked over to Cherry, “Is this kind of excessive violence normal in American schools?”

“Yes and no.”

"CUM WITH US OR WELL KIL YOU" a man scramed at me. I was gonna complie with what he waented but then he tuched me. I wuz going to be scraed but i dont taek that shitr from no one not evne edowird so I got out my anti-raep knife and stabed hi times with it in the nek [AN: SEE REBECKA IS SMART SHE WENTT FORn THE ONLYU SPOIT WERE THE HELKEMT WASNT IN THRE WAY] an dhis neck stated to sprasy bloud everywere.

“I hate to admit it, but going for the neck is a smart place to aim,” Asahi said, grimacing at having praised her. “But stabbing him wasn’t smart.”

“Congrats,” Cherry said, clapping. “You’ve killed two guys now. Good luck avoiding prosecution.”

"MI LADY DOTH THINKETH THATETH WE SHOULDETH GETETH TO BELLAETH" edowurd caresed. Suddenly a coip cum and shoit edowerd in the ches tiems in the cheast. I fel to the grund unce i saw this because edowerd is the luv of my life. I cruied ebanesent teers of sorrow and the teer drops feel onto his chest.

“Vampires? Immortals?” Briar began, waving her hand as she spoke. “Any of that ringing a bell?”

"Rebeca, doth shall not falleth in loveth witheth me" he sed sexily to me. Then i realsed i had nothing to worree about because edowurd was a vampier which means he cant die.

“Your idiocy is genuinely astounding,” the Huntsman sighed.

Then my evanednt teers becaem teers of joi wich brawt edowerd back fro m his slumber. I relized that he was my solmate in leif.

Cherry made a gagging sound. “I hate the soulmate trope,” she complained.

"GOD FUICKING DAMMIT EDOWERD DONT YOU DEI ON ME AGAIN" i screamd at him. How daer he maek me care abut him when he wasnt really dyeing!

 “How dare he make me think he’s dying when he got shot!” Asahi translated.

But there wasnt tiem to get angree becuz the soldurs were stil cuming and shooting all thruout the halls. Edowerd pucked me up with amasing hotness and sped and doodged all of teh bulits and caried me to safetee in the bathrum were i fought angela to a draw earlyr.

“That is a load of horseshit,” Briar countered, frowning at the claim. “You never fought her. You hid in the bathroom stalls and crawled on the floors until Edward came in.”

“Like a coward!” Cherry added.

And then we saw or objektiv: BELA. She was jsut gettin owt of the stal and writing in her emoshinal dairy wen edowerd and i tackled her. I was hapy becase bella is an anti enviyormentalst hu has had this cuming to her for a loung tiem.

“Justice. For. Bella,” Asahi growled out each word.

 She wuz probably doin drugz in the stal enyways [AN: KIDS DONT DO DROUGS THEY AER BAD FOR U].

Cherry scoffed. “I wanna do drugs just to spite her now.”

"WHAT THE FUICK ARE U GUYS DOIN" she scramed at the toip of her lungs. I smaeked that skanc in his feace and then edowerd tyed her up with sum rope.

Briar reached to grip her knife once again, “I do hope that our generous host allows us to visit the worlds of these fanfictions at some point,” she said, her voice surprisingly calm and level. “I wish to show Rebecca Swansin what karma is like.”

"Rebecca milady i doeth noteth thinketh thateth weeth shouldeth doth beeth doingeth thiseth" he woredlee exsclaimd. I tuk a step baeck and loked at the situashin. Bella was tyed up in rope in one of the stals and edowerd and me were abut to leav her.

"Edowerd if i dont do this then theyll find out it was me who kiled chadley" I pleded.

"fuck you!" bella scraemed at me.

“An absolutely justified reaction,” Asahi nodded.

"excuse me emo bitch who da fuck ased U!?" i was so close to taking out my antiraep nife and just stabing tha t mothafuocking bitch but then i remembred that kiling is onlee okay to saev peopul and that if i wuz gonna folow judah then i hav to sav thigns like the enviyorment

Cherry muffled her scream as she kicked the floor like an angry bull. “She pisses me off so much!”

Folding in on himself, Asahi pressed his forehead against his knees. “Briar, if you find a way to get into the world of Swansin, take me with you. I have a bat with her name on it.”

"FIRST YOU KIK ME OWT OF THE HOSE THEN YoU KIL CHADLEY WHAT THE FUICK DO YOU WAENT FROM ME" she wuz crying now.

“Exactly!” Cherry yelled, standing up. “You treated her like shit, an now your tryin’ to shoulder blame onto her for your crime? What the actual fuck?”

her teers wer driping down her feace and making al of her emo maekup cum off. I laffed becuz she wuz being so fcking whinny and was crying and so did edowerd.

Briar shook her head. “Bella, your cousin is a complete sociopath… or is it a psychopath?” she shook her head again. “Doesn’t matter. You cousin is very fucked up in the head, and you deserve so much better.”

Asahi groaned, “At this point, I am ready to get out the adoption papers.”

Anywaes wile she wuz cryin we toke one of my anti raep nifes (i always have spaers) and put it in bellas fuoking uglee flanell coat pokit. Wit this evidunce on her theres no way i culd be cot for my criem.

He slouched, thoughts of adoption forgotten, “Reading this is painful.”

"edowerd MAEK HER STOP OR ILL SAY YOU RAEPED ME" she finaly screemed in despuration.

"NO EDOWERD IF U STOP ME ILL SAY U RAEPED ME AND DEN STAB U WITH MY ANTI RAPE NIFE" i screemed ever loudlier. It tuk a moment for edowerd to undrstaen the situashin he wuz in.

“Yes, cause accusin’ someone of rape if they don’t do what ya want is such a mature thing to do,” Cherry rolled her eyes. “Anyone who does that to someone is a garbage person, an’ Edward needs to just walk away from both of them.”

"Bella I doeth not doth luveth thee hancefourth andeth becuzeth ofeth this i henceforth shall helpeth milady rebecca" he sumblee staetd.

BUT IT WAS TO LAET BECUZ THEN THE VAMPIER ANGELA APEARD AGIN IN THE BATHROMO!

“Angela to the rescue!” Asahi cheered, but that cheer soon died out as he remembered what story he was reading. “Please let be here to rescue Bella.”

AN: Pepol wer beign nice

“People were being nice?” Cherry asked, staring owlishly at the text. “To this fic?”

*Applauds loudly* My dear, this is BRILLIANT! Simply BRILLIANT! Such fresh, funny style! Such wonderful cohesion between references to other trollfics and your own unique elements! And the Bella-bashing-GENIUS! You have clearly done your research! Thank you so much for this fic, which has brought joy and laughter into the heart of many a weary snarker.

Sincerely,

Anya the Purple

“I don’t know whether to see Anya the Purple as a traitor or not,” Briar murmured. “She acknowledges the story for what it is; a trollfic; and chose to focus on the aspects of it that TwilightRova succeeded in, and is able to maintain remarkable equanimity through it.”

“She’s right, but I don’t have to like it,” Cherry added.

yeha i dunt no y but pepul cal me a trol wich is wrong cuz im a human and i dunt liv enderneth a bridge and aske peuple ridels but whatever its nice i gess

“You’ve got the intelligence of one, though,” Briar remarked.

but then i got sum haters so fuock u guys

LightningHunter 10/2/12 . chapter 1

Ya know even my 8 year old cousin can spell better than you.

“I’m pretty sure I can write better in English than her,” Asahi muttered with a huff, “And I only know English when I’m here.”

Let me say oneeee more thing ...

YOU SUCK !

NO YOU SUCK U JSUT CANT UNDERSTAND THE CIMPLIKATD WOURLD TAT REBECA LIVS IN AD HER FLITE FROM FOURKS U JUST DOTN GET TI

“What is there to ‘get’, though?” Briar questioned. “You’ve given us no reason to like or sympathize with Rebecca. She has been shown again and again to be an abusive, controlling, and manipulative fiend who resorts to excessive violence when she comes across something she does not like, and has never made a single effort to expiate for any of her actions.”

She continued, holding a hand out to the screen. “The only thing ‘complicated’ about the world is complicated because of your own inadequacies in worldbuilding and refusal to explain upon things, such as this unfathomable hatred Rebecca has for Bella, or why the vampires somehow no longer have their unique vampiric abilities,” Briar explained. “Ultimately, all you’ve done is create an unlikable character within an unlikable world, and get upset when someone does not praise you for your ‘genius’.”

“The spellin’ sure ain’t doin’ ya any favors, either,” Cherry added.

chapter 16 Angela vs Rebeca

OH NO it was the vampior ANGELA who had kiled all fo bellas fiends erlier.

“At this point, if Angela did everything because she was actually obsessively, possessively in love with Bella, I wouldn’t even question it,” Asahi said, crossing his arms over his chest once more and shrugging. “I’d actually forgive a third of the bullshit you’ve put us through if that’s the case.”

Cherry laughed and clasped her hands together. “Yandere Angela! I’d love to see it!”

She waked sexilee beack in forth wearing only a whait thoing and skarlit fishnet stolkings and a goldin bikeenee top and purpul six inhc hi heels. I no it sunds wierd but trust me she wuz pulin them of.

Her laughter died quickly, “You’re right,” she agreed, nodding her head, “It sounds really weird.”

"OHG FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK" bella scramed at the toop of her lungs. But it hd no efect becuz outsied the gunfite wuz stil going on and insied we were so no sound bullits becuz gun cant sownd

“No sound, because bullets can’t sound…?” Briar asked uncertainly, and wondering if perhaps the confusion was because she never even heard of a gun before this place.

Asahi rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Someone’s clearly never heard a gun go off.”

"I AM HEER TO FINIS HWHAT I STATED A LOUNG TIEM AGO" the vamprior angel screemed!

"O NO U DONT BIOTCH I NEDE HER TO NOT GO TO JALE" I screemed baeck.

“I’m hopin’ that what she’s referrin’ to s to finish the last bathroom scene with Becca and finally kill her,” Cherry said, slumping in her seat and leaning closer to Asahi. “I’m rooting for your yandere theory to come true.”

He shrugged and gently nudged her out of his personal space. “At this point, it’s the only nonsense I’ll accept from this story.”

 I tuk my sekond anti raep nife our fo my pockit and poyntid it at the biotch. Angela was instately assoured of my potenshil and tuk out a thre yard long samurai sorde.

“Knife versus sword,” Briar hummed, thinking it over, going different fights and personal experience through her mind, “The knife-user could win if they’re good. But Angela is a vampire, that gives her an advantage. Super-human reflexes and strength combined with being less fragile than a human… plus she has a sword, meaning she doesn’t need to get as close to Rebecca. Logically, there should be no way Angela can lose this fight.”

Asahi let out a sharp, bitter laugh. “When has this story ever followed logic?”

“Fair point.”

"no no no no no no no FUCK YOU YO MOTHWERFUOCKER" I sreemed agin but agin it dindt hav any afect on the situashin. "EDOWIRD HLEP ME" but it wuz no use he wasnt in the batroom with mee.

“Wait, when’d he leave?” Cherry asked. “I ain’t complainin’, but I would have liked to have known that he had left.”

 "JUDAG FUOCKING DAMMIT I HAET ALL OF U BIOTCHEZ!" The vampiore angela was goign to kil me!

“We can only hope,” Asahi sighed.

 "NO GETBELLA SHES TYED UP" Angla tuk anther step to me and sudenly a GUNSHOUT WERNT OFF!

"yo homie wats up" tanishashanqua sed. IT WAS ALICIA AND TANISHASHANKWA DEY WEER HEER TO RESCU ME!

“Why would you rescue her and not Bella, the clear victim here,” Briar demanded.

"Yo you on my turf fuckor best be gettin off it" alicia wanred. Alicai had here pistul frum the other day in her haend adn had usde it to atack agela!

"btch plz shes maine" angela sed and then luged at bella. I wuz so glad dat she wusnt after me al along!

“No, no, she didn’t say Bella died,” Asahi said quickly, a tint of desperation in his voice. “This could still be Angela rescuing her.”

hen alicia caem up to me and sed "we have to staek her in the hart to kil her" she sed and then gaev me a shotgun "but dont use it yet kep it for later". I noded my hed in awarnes.

Still sour over what happened to Bella, Asahi glared at the screen. “Specifically, you should shoot it when the barrel is pointed at yourself for the optimal effect.”

“Or you can stake her in the heart and not Angela,” Cherry offered helpfully.

"ill fcuking kill u you motharfucker!" and wit that alicia shot angela in the faec four tiemes but onlee got 2 hits becuz she was gonong so fsat but tashinaquasha bit angela in the hand and then angela pushed hr in the face! But then kasper apperd and klawed angelas face with his womins nales and den angela stopped

“I would be happy to never see Jasper in this story again,” Briar deadpanned. “Not because I don’t like him, but because it would take away your excuse to make transphobic remarks.”

"I WILL BE BAECK LATEr" she scremed and then gav me the Katana "YOU MUST KIL BELA WHEN THE TIEM COMES" she scremed and then disappeared.

Asahi screamed into his elbow. “Come on!” he yelled. “Angela, I trusted you!”

Exchanging looks, Briar and Cherry both reached over to give him a sympathetic pat on the back.

Edowerd cum and then we huged together in frunt of evereeoen. Dis maed me crai becuz we were taking our relashonship to a new levul. Except dat i felt his thingee when we toched and then i broke up and i smaked him for being a PERVURT!

Asahi looked up, eyes rimmed red from tears he refused to cry. “This hurts me, so much.”

“This hurts everyone,” Cherry said, still giving him comfort pats.

"yo moon why is bella tyed up" alicai and kaspor asked.

"becuz we need her to go to jale insted fo me" i sed hapilee

"u caent do that" caspor sed.

“Thank you, Jasper,” Briar smiled. “At least we can trust you.”

 Then i stabed him with my new ANTI RAEP CATANAA in leg becuz even tho he thinks hes a women hes jsut a confuzed maen and hes stil in the girls rum

That smile was quick to leave as Briar gripped the arm of her seat so tightly what remained from the previous knife damage simply broke off. “And we’re back to this”

“I don’t think TwilightRova knows if she wants Jasper to be a transman or a transwoman,” Cherry mused.

 "U FUOCKING RAPER SPOT TRYIGN TO SEX ME WITH UR EYS" I stabed. Kaspor went nuts tho and then tried to byet me but pedowerd stoiped him ad then he ran of.

Briar let out a sigh, “Can someone explain why Rebecca has yet to be arrested for her innumerable assaults?” she asked, “A man just looks at her, and she will stab him.”

“Because the author believes that her self-insert can do no wrong,” Asahi answered sullenly.

 Then alicia told me dat i culdnt fraem bella for chadleys deth becuz she had an abili so we were back to skware 1.

That sullen demeanor was gone quick, “Thank you, Alicia, thank you!” Asahi applauded. “You suck, but thank you for not letting them blame Bella.”

AN: okay so im getin som h8trs

Cherry rolled her eyes. “Shocker. At least it’s free entertainment.”

Flawless Obsession 10/8/12 . chapter 8

Out of all this story that I had the displeasure of reading, this is the only thing I understood.

Go on then and show how immature you are.

but u no wat im gona ruse abuv it liek jesus crist wuld want me 2.

“Jesus Christ would want you to put down the pen and never write again,” Briar argued. “He would just be nicer about it than us.”

u r a fuker and i caent chaneg dat but i can kepe doign wat im doign regadeless of the critcizm becuz to b a grate riter u hav to folo ur dreemsd and ur hart wich i am soing.

Asahi grimaced, “To be a great writer, you also need a solid comprehension on spelling, grammar, and basic storytelling,” he stated, glaring in disgust at the screen. “You have none of that. I don’t think you even know what proofreading is.”

“It’s no wonder the editor dipped,” Cherry snickered.

chapter 17 - edowerd betrays

“Good for him,” Cherry nodded as she went to take a drink of what remained of her soda. It’d been so long that it was all watered down from the melted ice.

"Wait moon before you go"

Briar shook her head. “Seventeen chapters in, and you still call her ‘Moon’,” she said in disappointment. “Asahi is right, you don’t know what proofreading is.”

 alicia approched me wit determinashin in her eies. She we wearing her usual drug dealor uniformn and had matching redd earings. She had died her hare paink with purpol hilites andit was weet from the intens battel we had hade earlier.

She raised a brow, “That fight was supposed to be intense?” Briar asked. “I’ve seen children play-fighting with far more intensity.”

“That whole fight was insipid,” Asahi complained.

"What is it alicai" i pated her heed becuz it luked liek she was having a rouff day. [AN: SEE REBEKA HAS EMPATHEE SHES NOT A SYKOPATH]

“That’s a lie,” they all said. They had yet to see a moment where Rebecca had genuinely thought of and put someone before herself.

"I need you to help me with sumthing" she sed with anger in her face.

"What is it" i questined expektently wile trying to find my voyce in my throet.

"Well i kno why all of the cops are invadin the scool and kiling people" she sed...

Asahi looked to the ceiling; he was beginning to memorize all the different spots up there with how often he’d choose to stare at the ceiling then at the story. The ceiling was far more interesting and less infuriating. After a few moments he looked back to the screen and scrunched up his face. “You know why, huh?” he asked, sarcasm dripping from the words. “Does it have anything to do with you having killed two cops, one of them being your uncle, and having a drug dealer you broke out of jail currently attending class still?”

“No, couldn’t be,” Cherry said with just as much sarcasm. “They’re all here because Bella obviously did somethin’.”

"Wait why" i asked inkwizatively.

"I was in the kemistry rum and was trying to make a new super droug for my biznes when i acidently mixed the drug with a buncha blud sampels i found in mr Chocoluvs ofiss" she sed. I saw a singul teer drop folowed by two more teer drops fal down her face and hut the florwich both caem from her eies.

Briar tilted her head, it was a rare moment she felt genuinely impressed. “The blood samples from before are coming back into play?” she asked with a hum. “That is a surprisingly amount of cleverness.”

“Don’t be too proud of her,” Asahi grumbled. “She’ll drop the ball somehow before the paragraph is over.”

"so what" i sed. We hade more pressing maeters to atttend to like the dedly virus spredin!

Cherry lurched forward; eyes wide. “I’m sorry,” she said, stumbling over the words, “The what is spreading?”

“If she brings in a freaking zombie apocalypse…” Asahi shook his head.

"It mutated into a virus becuz of the vamprie blud. the birus will kils anyone who breethes it in and then whoever breethed it wil die if they arent a vampier" Juda damit this fuocking shit is why alicia doesnt have any friends that arent me and edowerd and caspor and jemmet and rosalee and tanishashashankwa.

“There is nothing wrong with having six friends, you don’t need to have an abundance of friends to be satified with life,” Briar said, paused, and then held her hands out. “But more importantly; this virus is a fairly big deal.”

"wen did u do this" edowerd asked

"earlyr today" alicai asnwered. "i ran off to chek on the sampuls when i fiorst saw hte cops this mourning". Then she left the bathromo just liek she caem earlyr.

“Well, sad to see her go, she’s far more entertaining than Swansin. But I won’t miss her,” Asahi shrugged.

"uh oh" i sed. This culd be a probelm for the rest of the skool. "wil i be safe?" i asked questionately.

“We all hope that you won’t be, but we know you’ll be fine,” Briar said.

“It’d be nice if she just caught the virus an’ died, an’ the rest of the fic is just a memorial to her,” Cherry said with an almost dreamy smile at the thought. “But it won’t happen.”

"yes milady" edowerd replierd. "doth loveth and salieva frum hence my moutheth wil power thee to lifeth." Edowerd sed sexily. I wuznt luking right at him but i culd see his sexy reflekshin in the bathrum miror.

“I can’t even say nothin’ about this being wrong, cause Twilight vampires have reflections,” Cherry moaned.

 We wer al alone in the bathrum so i finaly pooped the qustion to my lover.

"hey edowerd wanna sex" i asked lovnglee.

Asahi groaned and gagged, “I both love and hate that we were right, the ‘no sex before marriage’ really didn’t hold up.”

"yes milday i doth think it wuld be plesureable" he sed.

"WELL TO BAD ITS A TARP! I DUNT BELIVE IN SEX BEFOR MARIAGE AND YOU FALLED THE TEST" I scremed and began to crie.

Cherry stared and blinked, rubbed her eyes, then stared some more. “Wow,” she said after a pregnant pause. “She is a terrible girlfriend.”

“That’s entrapment,” Asahi grumbled. “She asked him a question, he answered honestly. Saying that yes, you would like to have sex doesn’t equate to having sex. But also anyone that makes their partner do these ridiculous and random tests is a terrible person.”

 Edowrd had betrayd me and now i was al alone in the wurld.

Briar took in a deep breath, and if the seats were sentient they would have probably cowered in fear of being damaged even more. But instead she clapped her hands together and slowly stood up. “That is an exaggeration, there was no ‘betrayal’,” she said just as slowly, as if she were talking to a dunce. “As Asahi said, you asked a question, he answered, saying what you want to do is not the same as doing it”

She took in another breath and brought her hands—still together like a prayer—to her face as she exhaled. “Now! Let’s say Edward broke your trust by revealing some very private information about you to someone who would immediately use it to ruin the future you had spent ten years studying and working for? Imagine if that got you kicked out of the place you called home and now you have live in squalor for another couple of years before being taken in by what’s essentially a cult, they make mold you into something else, and now you’re to do a very dangerous and strenuous job with a high mortality rate for the rest of your life, all the while he goes on to live the life you had spent those ten years working for, without showing any regret for what he did. That is a betrayal. Saying ‘yes, I would like to sex’, is not.”

Both Asahi and Cherry stared at her in stunned silence as Briar returned to her seat. Not a word was said for over a minute before Cherry coughed and elbowed him.

He glared at her for a fraction of a second before looking to Briar, “Are you… speaking from experience?”

Briar stared back at him; her expression unreadable. “Hypothetical,” she stated.

“…Right.”

 I ran owt of the bathrom betrayd by edowerd and jsut ran down the hals. I ran rely fast and then began to smel the viris that alicaia had ben talking abut.

“If we’re lucky, you will all die,” Cherry grumbled.

I shreemly luked down the hals at all the ded boodies. All of the coips were ded on the grund. I herd a really disgustin noiz cuming from down the hal. I tuk out my shotgun htat alicia had given me earlyer and slowlee creepedd up on them. I GASPOED when i saw who it was!

Briar clicked her tongue, “That cliffhanger could have been better.”

“A lot of this story could have been better,” Asahi reminded.

chapter 18 - rebeca vs Hames

Cherry frowned, “Hames? Who’s Hames—” she stopped, eyes widening in realization. “Shit. James, an’ not even the cool James!”

It was the two vampiors from the cleering earlyrs the other day! Except for the gai who i kiled with the rock!

“At least you remembered you killed one of them,” Asahi muttered, then rolled his eyes. “With a rock. I am still upset about that. She killed a vampire by throwing a freaking rock at him!”

"I THOGUHT I TOLD U TO FUCK OFF" I voyced at them. Then they got up from the blud on teh grund.

"bitch plez im a teachor now" sed the guy in the leathur bicker jackit.

“Is he teaching history, since he’s lived longer than any of his human students, or is he teaching how to track?” Briar asked, holding her hands together and leaning forward in curiosity.

“I’d be fine with him teachin’ either, but ya know the author’s gonna butcher it.”

 He luked realy evil unlike edowerd and me.

“You are the evilest one here,” Asahi shouted.

His hare was even moar black then before and drapped down to his feete. Hiz faec was covered in fucking uglee peersings wich maed him luk like a transvestite.

Briar let out a low growl. “Ah, yes. Transphobia. Such a brave thing to explore.” Another chunk of her armrest broke off with a sharp snap.

To his side was his ladee, the biotch with the minijeen skurt so teeny dat you culd see her you-no-what exsept not anymore becuz she was wearin flor length jeens so loung that you culdnt see her shoes anymore. She hade a wors dres sens than bella wich i didnt thuink was posibul.

“An your style is any better?” Cherry asked. “Cause so far their fashion sense seems normal.”

"wich meens we can disciplin u now for kiling our leeder you runt" the biotch sed. She tuk owt a mikerofone from her purse and he tuk out a gitar from his back and they both ekwipped their wepins and began to use them atme!

Fashion forgotten; Cherry cocked her head to the side. “Wait, this a rock battle, now?”

Asahi shrugged, not quite understanding it either, “I guess instead of just being dangerous vampires, they’re also a rock band. It’s… weirdly not surprising.”

“Honestly? Same. I’d love to hear their music sometime. Rock’s the fuckin’ best!”

"DO YOU NO WHO I AM" I SCREEMED AT THEM.

“A manipulative, abusive, psychotic fiend,” Briar answered in a tone dryer than sand.

 I tuk out my Catana and my shotgun to show them that I was a stroing independant womin! But it didnt stop them so i screemed for hlep!

“What happened to you being such a ‘strong and independent woman’?” Asahi asked.

Cherry gave the screen a thumbs down, “At least try before ya start screamin’ for help!”

 "EDOWERD" I stated but then i remebered that i was done with taht trayter's bulshitt so i scredmed for sumone else "KASPOR! REMMET! ANYONEEE!" but it hade no afect so i ran down the hal paste mr cleerwater.

“You have both a gun and a sword, you could have stood your ground,” Briar muttered, “And after trashing him so much, you’re begging Jasper for help? Pathetic.”

“She’s a fake,” Asahi shrugged, “What else did you expect?”

"stop this is a violashin of skool rules you despicabul dunce" mr cleerwaetr he sed to me but it was to late becuz Hammes and Vitorio kiled him with theyre bad muzik [AN: ROUCK IS STUPID AND REBECA DOEZNT LISEN TO IT]

“Well, fuck you!” Cherry yelled back.

and by hiting him with their gitars and pursus. I new he was ded becuz then they beheded him and then ate the hed! Hten they kept cuming for ME!

“Eating the head seems rather excessive,” Briar mused, drawing a finger along her own neck. “But who am I to judge.”

"WE ARE GOIGN TO AVENJE FORAUNT" Vitorio methodiculy wispurd in my direkshin. We had run trhough the siense wing of the skool and were now in the halth wing. [AN: furks high is atachde to the hospitul]

Asahi spluttered for a moment, coughing hard as he tried to clear his lungs. “The hell?” he croaked. “I don’t think any school is attached to a hospital.”

“But it does explain how Bella got released back to class so quickly,” Cherry pointed out.

"ill sav u rebekka!" it was JACUB who had an AX!

“Why not turn into your wolf form?” Asahi asked, “That’d be more effective than an axe.”

“But then he wouldn’t look like the ‘sexy lumberjack’,” Cherry countered. “Not that he looks like one, anyway. He lacks the beard.”

 He was shitless and stading in the hal with an axe and his musculor bild and tan skin maed me horny rite then an there. He had hade a harecut and now he luke d like a cros between Brad Pity and Chanin Taytim and Zaeck F-Ron and Nail Patrik Harrus (eksept withut him beign gau) Exsept jakub is a native indien.

Cherry rolled her eyes. “We get it. He’s sexy. You’re attracted to a dude who fell for a newborn.”

"WYH ARE U DOIGN THIS" Jakub axd [AN: Hahaha GET TI!?].

The three all groaned over the bad pun.

"ITS BECUZ I LOVE REBECA" Hamees sed! Jakub and me and Citoria all GASPED!

“Excuse me?” Asahi asked, clearly offended and reeling back into his seat. “No, no, no. We are not doing a stupid love triangle. Keep that shit away.”

Sudenly everyting in the wurld stoped and the spotlite was on Hames who had jsut professored his undieign luv to me.

"Yes its true even tho i use u for sex Clitoria i dunt realy loev you" he sed.

Cherry was grinding her teeth. “For one; rude! Ya don’t use someone just for sex, that’s cruel,” she said. Holding up one finger and slowly bringing up a second. “Second; what the fuck? Clitoria? Clitoria? That’s just insultin’!”

But he saw stil runign toewerds me so i had to housely dodj the atack. Then he got on 1 foot and stated to plau his gitar at me. He stated singing Im a B by the Blaeck I Ps which I haet becuz onlee loisers listen 2 mainstreem muzic.

Groaning, Asahi buried his head between his knees. “I hate when they bring music into this.”

“I listen to terrible bards enough in my world, don’t bring them here,” Briar scowled.

 Wile he waz serenating me Jakub choped of his arm with hs ax and then Games ran away likea bithc. Jakub was sweeting and painting and he piked me up with his arms and tuk me away from the sene. It was so hot liek out of a bluckbuster movee.

“Lame,” Asahi booed, “So freaking lame.” 

"I am going to taek you to owr leeder Rebeca" he sed. I didnt liek his rurry fiends but i wuld deel with it becuz i wuznt in a situashin to argeu at the moment.

"who is ur leeder" i asked as he carryd me paste all of the karnage.

"luk for yourself" he sed and then I saw who it was. I gawsped! IT WAS...

“Sam Uley,” Cherry stated in deadpan. “The leader of the pack is Sam Uley. At least until Jacob splits an’ makes a different pack. But to do that we need Bella pregnant with Edward’s kid. So that ain’t happenin’.”

chapter 19 - The wearwolvs

"Look for yourself" he sed and then I saw who it was. I gawsped! IT WAS... LEYA CLEERWATER!

Briar frowned, “I’m not against her being the pack alpha… but why?” she asked.

Leya was stading dere with her platinom hare with yellow hilites swiging back and forth in the wiund. She hade a lether halter top on with a mathing corset and skurt. She had a batleax ekwiped in her belt and she luked like a pierit in her owtfit wich was awsum becuz piraets are cool.

Cherry groaned, grabbing her pigtails and pulling hard, “Damnit!” she yelled. “I hate when I gotta agree with her. Pirates are fuckin cool!”

To leas left was her bruther seth cleerwater

Briar’s entire demeanor turned ice cold and she laid her knife on her lap, running a finger up and down the edge. “Right, that one.”

The mood turned dark as all three focused in on Seth, recalling painfully clearly what he had done.

and to her right was her cuzin samiel gangee. They both luked like indiens with there shurts off.

“They look like Native American’s, because they are Native Americans,” Asahi snapped.

I rememred seth frum the day that he raeped bella. It was a sad storee actuoally for bella but mostlee for seth.

“Excuse-a-what-now?” Cherry spluttered just as Briar stabbed her knife into the empty seat adjacent to herself. “You’re tryin’ to tell me that the rapist is the one who should be gettin’ sympathy? Fuck you.”

 You see indian wearwolfs do this thing caled imprisoning were they imprison on some1 and then luv them forever. Its so romaentic.

Briar took in a shaky breath, digging the knife in deeper. “Imprisoning is not romantic, that’s kidnapping. It’s illegal and vile,” she growled. “The fact that you find it romantic at all is disgusting.”

“And it sure as hell doesn’t justify rape!” Asahi snarled, looking like he wanted to reach through the screen and strangle someone.

Enywayz I lerned frum Clemmet that seth imprisond on him and tha they were GAY for each oher [AN: REBECA DOEZNT H8 GAYZ CUZ GAIS ARE HOTTT THOGETHER ONLEE TRANSECUALS ARENT THEY DUNT NO WAT THEY R]! (rosey was okay with dis becuz she thinks guy on gui is hawt)

“Not only are you transphobic, but you fetishize homosexuality,” Briar said with an unsteady laugh as she pulled the knife out and struck the seat again, causing cotton to bleed out. “Oh, you do not understand how much I wish this seat was you.”

But Seth didnt waent to be gay so he tryed to repreve his innur demions. First he went to Carliel the collins father who is also a priest to get an exsorsism but it dindt wurk.

Cherry frowned, “Carlisle went from doctor to priest… well, his old man was a pastor, so I guess it ain’t completely out of the blue.”

So he rapped dat fucking whore bella in frustrishin to be normal. But he was such a biotch it didnt wurk and he cryed the entier tiem.

Asahi scowled. “Don’t even think that justifies what he’s done.”

But it didnt wurk and then he went all emo becuz if he was gay then he culdnt b a wearwolv anymore. Jemmet culdnt b with him becuz of the wearwolv thuing. Now thungs are bettr becuz seht jsut rejects that part of himsefl.

“You rejected the gay part of ya, or the werewolf part?” Cherry asked. “Cause can’t imagine either is good for ya.”

"JACOBO" Lea scremed angrilee waving her battleax baeck and forth

"WAT" he scremed back waving hsi own ax back and forth

“You are werewolves,” Briar said coldly, her whole demeanor had remained cold since Seth had been brought up, and had grown chillier by the sentence. “You are not angry woodsmen.”

"Why hav u brught her here to owr secret base" she askd pointing at ME! I was too shiocked to speek!

"she is on our side now" he sed. I luked dreemily into his face as he spoke. His wolfy sent was makin me so fuocking horny waaaay hornieer than edowerds ever did. I dont no why i even bothered with that stupifd hore of a man becuz he was always staking bella before i caem here enyways.

“I have a solution for all of this madness,” Asahi announced, starting to look a bit disheveled and frantic. “Rebecca can be with Jacob, that way Jacob can stop being an obsessive creep over Bella because of her ovaries! Then Bella and Edward can be together like they’re supposed to be, and no one has to interact with the other, everyone can be happy, and we can go home!”

Cherry reached over to pat him on the head. “It’s a nice idea. It just wont happen.”

 "She can help us defete the evil overlorde!"

"You meen..." I sed and then pauzd and covered my mouth with my hand and then my otha hand... he wuz talking about the onlee person wrose than bella in fourks... "U meen ESME!?" I scremed?

Cherry blinked, leaned back, and looked a little guilty. “Yeah, I actually forgot she existed. We’re however the hell far we are, and this is her first mention,” she said, but then held her hands out to the screen. “But in that time she’s been gone, she’s become an evil overlord? Gotta respect that!”

"YES! HER!" he sed puting me down gentlee on teh grund. "she is the master of the collins... and the onlee thing stoping us frum being normal!" he sed ultimatly into my faec.

“Wasn’t the whole reason the werewolf thing happened because of the Cullens moving into the area?” Briar asked, glaring at the screen still. “Not because of one particular member, it was just that they were there.”

We maed eye contect and i instately new that we had waaaay more kemistree than that fuocker edowird and me did.

“Then take my advice! Go date him and never go near Bella again!” Asahi shouted.

"but waite how are u immune to the virus" i askd assurdly to all 4 of them. Leya was the onlee 1 to steep forwerd to ansur my qwestion.

Cherry scowled, “Why are you immune?” she then rolled her eyes. “Of course, Mary Sue syndrome.”

"we have super strength" she sed vicariusly.

"oh ok" I sed assurd.

Cherry shook her head, tugging harder on her pigtails, “That doesn’t explain the immunity at all!”

"so rebecca will u hlep us to defeet the collins" seth sed sadlee. Then I remembered that kiling all of the collins wuld meen dat demmet the luv of saths lief wuld aslo dye. He wuz being braevr then any1 i no by folowing his clan insted of his hart. I new then dat I HADE to do this 4 seth and semmet.

Briar rolled her eyes, “Quick as always to commit murder, and now it’s your ‘soulmates’ family,” she scoffed. “Who is the true traitor here?”

"but wait how can I help" I askd.

"there are secret polise at this skool who want to stop us wearwolfs. Sum of the collins work for all fo them. Agenla used to be a part of there fors but then she defeeted. If we defeet esme then rosalees spuy netwurk will HAVE to shut down!

“Or Rosalie, being as capable and dangerous as she is, will kill every one of you with barely any effort,” Briar suggested before rolling her eyes, “but that is just poppycock.”

And U can get baeck to edowerd and truck him into letting u into there hose!" Lea scremmed!

But waite! i didnt waent ALL of the collins to dye! Onlee that fucking biotch esme!

“Look, listen, if you let one of them live then that is one person who will seek out revenge against you,” Asahi explained. “You have to kill them all, don’t leave any survivors.”

Briar shook her head, “I have to agree.”

“Nip it in the bud before the circle of revenge can start!” Cherry added.

"lets not kil all of them" I bargind.

"yes ur rite we will onle kil esme and rosaless if she gets in the way. Jacob go with her to compleet the misshin im trusting u" Leya sed.

AN: I got moar h8ers. h8ers goign 2 h8 is all ill say EKSEPT FOR U:

“You’re only openin’ yourself up to more an’ more hate,” Cherry warned, not that it mattered.

Radiant As You 10/15/12 . chapter 18

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS UGLY, DISGUSTING, STUPID PIECE OF SHIT?!

NO FOUCK U! UR THE DISGUSTIN STUPID PECE OF SHIT!

“No,” Asahi shook his head, “Radiant As You is right, you’re the disgusting, stupid piece of shit. You fetishize homosexuality, you’re openly transphobic, you endorse abuse, and you’re a rape apologist! What the actual fuck!”

chapter 20 the virus resistense

Jakuv and me wer runing bak down the hal thru the siense wung of the scool to find a way owt. All fo the dors wer lockd by polisemen who wer locking down the scool becuz of the virus.

“I’d usually say this is understandable and that we don’t want it to spread,” Briar began. “But, no, I want it to spread. Infect and kill everyone.”

“Mood.” Asahi sighed.

i wuz abut to braek thru to the outsied with my catana wen al of a suden jacubu stoped me.

"dont do that rebeca they al cleerlee hav guns" he sed. He hade groped me arm to stiop me and noraly i wuld stop him but he wuz so fucking sexxxxy in the briught sunlite that i didnt minde tha t he diddnt do wat i waented.

“See, that’s the root of your problem,” Cherry said waving her hand at the screen. “IF someone doesn’t do what ya want ‘em to, you decide to stab em. That’s messed up.”

"i can taek them" i told him.

"no we hav to try and sav as meny pepul as possibul" he told me. He wuznt liek ediwerd at all. He wuz waaay smarter and wuz aslo tryign to sav as meny pepul as possibul.

“So, he’s nothing like you,” Asahi deadpanned. “You’re selfish and only look out for yourself, and only care about what you want.”

I new den dat it wuld hurt to evar be neer deowerd agin becuz he wuz such a biotch cumpeard to jakub.

“And look at who made him that way,” Briar spat.

We raen down teh hals sum moer. Jakub was sweeting sexily and riped the leggs of hsi paints offf. So basikalee he wuz runing with shorts on and he luked liek a boodybilder. Meenwile my purpul raben hare wit royul goldin streeks wuz sexilee floewign in the wend as i ran.

“She really loves bringing up how her hair blows in the wind, doesn’t she,” Asahi said rolling his eyes.

“We should get a counter for it,” Briar suggested.

 i tuk of my shirt as i ran becuz it wuz coverd in goer and al i had on wuz my reed sportz brah. My boebs wer jigling baeck and forth as i raen but not dat much so wtf u thinkign reedor.

Cherry groaned, tugging on her hair once again. “You wrote about her shirt being taken off an’ her boobs jigglin’ about, don’t complain about the readers readin’ that!”

Then as we came to alicia and tanishashanqua who wer stading outsied the scool labratoree in the halways.

"yo my homie wassup" tashinaquansha asked. we stoped to se wat alicai and tanisha wer dogin.

Asahi sighed, “Despite it being misery to say her name, Tanishashanqua is the only one I genuinely like in this story,” he confessed. “Probably because we see so little of her.”

"why are you all stil in the building" jakub askd inquistionalee. I steped behinde him to get a luk at his sexy endien wearwolg ass.

"we r trying to stop the virus by creeting an antydoote" alicai asnwered. She had a darkk red lab cioat on wich mathced her blud red dyed hare.

“Lab coats make people more attractive, that’s just a fact,” Cherry shrugged, it was a fact of life as true as the sky being blue and the grass being green, so what could she do about it.

"yea were goign to fend a solushin to this problem maerk my wurds" tanishashanqua also sed as she steped owt of the lab and itno the hal with alicai jakub and me.

Asahi hummed, “You’re trying to fix a problem you started? Color me impressed.”

She didnt haev a lab coate on but she did haev nerdi glases to hlep her see her experimints. Her hare luked normel for onse wich was nise becuz normaelee it dusnt.

"tanishashanqua! How r you saef?" i aksed!

"i can anser dat mothafuocker" i herd a voyce and it wuznt anyone who i had seen resentlee... it was MR. CHOKOLOVE! (mr coholove is tanishashanquas fathor).

“Oh, no,” Briar said in the driest tone imaginable. “What a twist.”

 "ive given tasniahshanqua immunitee" he sed. "i am wurkign wit the fbi to distrbiute a cuer to the redst of the scool" he expeled.

Asahi crossed his arms, “So, you just so happened to have already created an antidote to give to your daughter that will protect her from a virus Alicia made just this morning?” he asked slowly, raising a brow. “Pretty suspicious, if you ask me.”

"thats why the coips stoped invadin" alicai cuntinued. "so loung as an antidute is posibul theyl wate for us to finis befoer dey try to kil us al."

"how can we hlep" kacub ased. I thught jacub was a retard for not doin the mishin but then i realizd dat he wantd to find a way out without hurtign othars.

Cherry gave a low whistle, “Harsh words comin’ from someone with an IQ lower than a squirrel,” she said.

“Come on,” Asahi frowned. “Don’t be mean to squirrels, they’re way smarter.

"we nede u to goa nd taek this anteedote and get it to the principul!" alicia sed.

"okay i wil do it" jacub sed!

"NO NOT YOU" alicai intruded! "REBECA IS THE ONLEE ONE WHO CAN DO THIS" she sed!

“If this doesn’t turn out to be an elaborate trap to get Rebecca killed, I will be quite upset,” Briar warned, crossing her arms over her chest as she glowered at the screen.

Cherry and Asahi exchanged a glance, silently saying ‘she’s been upset the whole time’, and they quickly glanced to the seats Briar had been slowly destroying. If that hadn’t been ‘quite upset’, neither were sure they wanted to see a truly upset Briar.

Then she gaev me the vyle conteining the cuer to the virus! "wen u get it to the prinsipul rebeca u wil haev to injekt the vyle into the air sistem of the scool!"

“The principal?” Cherry asked. “Why is it him? Why not have it in a room?”

Asahi shrugged, “You’re asking about logic, and this story is allergic to that.”

"oh ok sure bye the way do you no were edowerd is" i inturestinglee qweshtined to the 3.

"wat dost thou want tavern wench?" edowerd sed to me costily as he came.

Briar raised a single eyebrow, “Now, now. No need for such harsh words,” she said dryly. “The tavern girls are far more respectable than Rebecca. Don’t slander the job.”

I wantd to maek edowerd feel bad so i began to cry faek teers. He thught that the teers wer becuz of my undyeing regriet but it wuz actuly becuz i realy hated to se that stoopid fuickers faece. I mean juda fucking dammit i shuld hav just choped of his you-no-wat when i wuz baeck in da boys lockor rum.

Asahi dragged a hand down his face in pure exasperation. “Why and how does anyone find her attractive?” he demanded, “She is the most unpleasant person I’ve ever had to read about!”

“Edward can do so much better,” Cherry added.

"You wild motha fucker edowerd appearin! Yo cauzin hela drama n shit nigga" chocoluv angrilee sed waving his vyles around!

"Edowerd" i stated as i wuz faek crying "I wanted ot say that im soree for screeming at you earlyer but ur jsut so meen!" i lyed unanimusly.

“You accused him of being unfaithful and vile because he admitted, after your manipulations, that he would like to one day have sex with you, his partner,” Briar gritted out before leaning back and taking in a low, ragged breath. “You are by no means mentally sound.”

 I kept crying and den everyune in the rum got supa pised at edowud. Jacob luked liek he wuz abut to chop of edowerds hed with his ax. Edowerd luked relly sad and den he sied and fround.

“An’ everyone is takin’ her side?” Cherry demanded and then dropped her head into her hands. “I shouldn’t even be surprised, but fuck it pisses me off! Edward did nothin’ wrong!”

Asahi nodded, glaring at the screen. “He wanted sex, but he didn’t force himself on her, he didn’t pressure her into it. Like Briar said, he only said he’d like to one day sleep with her, that’s not mean,” he said, and his scowl deepened. “You doing this sort of garbage undermines the severity of actual assault and partners being ‘mean’.”

"watever i forgive you" i sed. Then he luked hapy and edowerd jacub and me al went to the prinsipuls offise so that we culd finaly get out of the fuckign scool.

“Not like the school wants you, anyway,” Asahi muttered.

Chapter 21 – vs prinsipul

“I suppose we know who’s dying this chapter,” Briar said, not too concerned. Unlike Charlie, none of them felt any emotional connection to the principal. It would be infuriating when Rebecca killed him, of course.

The run to the prinsipals ofise was very diffcult. We had to run over seven bodys every tiem we turned down the hals. Edowerd wuz glarring at jakub the entier tiem probably becuz jacub haz super fucking hot abes and edowerd was jellus liek the major fuocking biotch that he is.

Cherry groaned, “I don’t want them to get back together. After the way she’s been treatin’ him, Rebecca shouldn’t get to go back to him,” she waved her hands as she spoke, “He just deserves so much better!”

“She’s bound to get back with him,” Briar said, breaking the news, “Just accept that we’re doomed to be angered.”

 But that doesnt mater becuz we wer at the prinsipuls rum and then we prepard to saev the scool. Edowird unshowd his nails and jakub got his ax ready and i tuk out my shotgun and catana.

Even though it was just a story, all text, there was still something of a mental image that sprang to mind with each chapter. Usually, it did nothing but piss them off, but this one was one of the few images that was less rage-inducing and more…curious. They’d never go as far as to say interesting, that was giving it too much credit.

“I have to respect her for this, being able to wield a shotgun and a two-handed sword isn’t easy,” Asahi said, begrudgingly.

“Don’t give her too much credit,” Cherry said, rolling her eyes, “She’s probs just wavin’ em both around like an idiot. Doubt she’s even able to actually use either.”

We entered the dur and then we saw the rum. The prinsipul wuz behind his desk starting evilly at things. He was baled and luked older then my dade. He hade a big red butin on hsi desk wich i culd tel was maed out of maypull trees. Wen he saw us he got up and loked rally scrary!

"WHAT THE FUOCK DO YOU FUOCKERS WANT!?" he scremed luodlee!

“Of course, you’d assume it’s gonna be loud when you’re screamin’,” Cherry said with another roll of her eyes. “Or are you the type who screams an’ think it’s as loud as a whisper?”

"we are heer to put an end to this madnes" i scremed. I poynted my shoutgun at the biotch and then shooted the gun at him! He fel ovar blooding everwer on the flur.

“We all knew it was happening, but still; why did you kill the principal?” Briar demanded, eyes flashing with anger. “You had no reason to. He was just sitting there.”

Asahi scoffed, kicking at the floor. “And here I thought her murdering Charlie was the peak of pointless violence we’d get from her, but this just takes the cake,” he said, rolling his eyes. “The guy got killed for getting up and demanding what two students who barged into his office wanted.”

Waving her hands at them, Cherry leaned forward, “You guys don’t get it,” she said quickly. “He was evil! He was lookin’ evily at things, while lookin’ all scary, an he had a button made of trees! Worst of all? He was bald! An’ older than her dad! Ultimate evil right there.”

"is he doth dedeth?" inkwiyured edowerd

"NO OF COURS NOT!" Prinsipul scremed amasignlee! He got up frum the grund and then got back in his chare!

“Huh, guy tanked a blast from a shotgun,” Asahi whistled. “Impressive.”

"but how are you not ded!?" ased jacobo!

"I AM A VAMPIOR SLAYOR YOU PATETIC DUNSES"

That whistle turned into a low hiss. “Being a vampire slayer doesn’t make you immune to shotguns,” Asahi muttered.

“It doesn’t?” Cherry asked. “Man, those slayer guys must have been lying when they told me I’d be bullet proof if I joined. Knew it had to be too good to be true.”

and then the prinsipul tuk out a steak and a jar of holee water! Then he juped the desk and begin to try and staek edowrd in the faec. He wuz realy fast! If i wuznt expeerynced in combat frum al of the violinse today i wuldnt hav ben abul to folow him but i did anyways!

“Of course, after a single day of senseless murder, you are automatically a skilled fighter,” Briar said in as bland of a tone as was humanly possible. “You can completely disregard the months, if not years, of training you need if you have a single violent day.”

“Violence?” Cherry asked, “No, no, it’s not from a day full of violence, she’s clearly saying she’s prepared cause of all the violins from today.”

Briar nodded, “I see, yes that makes far more sense.”

I atakcd him four tiems with my sord but he demoted the atac every tiem! He made a big circul with his body and centerd the atack on edowerd! But lukilee Jakub used his ax with grate atack at the prinsipul and hit the prinsipul off edowird.

Asahi sighed, rubbing his temples. “I’m trying to follow this, but all I can imagine is all of them moving about like utter idiots,” he said, paused, and sighed. “Which is probably more than a little accurate.”

"YOU MISERABULL IDIETS!" the prinsipul shouteded!

“Truer words have not been spoken,” Cherry cackled, and even Asahi smirked a little.

Then he throo the holee water at edowird but he dodjed fastlee the atac! Insted jakub got hit and then he was coverd in bunrs and scabs!

"OHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUCLK" scremed jakub as the holee watur burnd his purfict beyutiful hot sexay skin.

“Oh, no, not his perfect skin,” Cherry’s laughter died in favor of pure sarcasm.

"SHIT SHTI SHIT SHIT" he kept scremeng as he bunred! I was so fuocking infurriatd. How daer he hrut JACUB!?

"’Only I’m allowed to hurt my boy toys!’” Asahi said, raising the pitch of his voice as he mimicked Rebecca.

“That’s accurate,” Briar nodded.

I tuk out my catana and struke Prinsipul in dedlee combat! I swun my sord at him 1 2 tiems but he jupmed sevural feete in the aer and clung to the seeling! Then edowrd juped for HIM! But it was a false becuz Prinsipul was so strong!

Frowning, Cherry scratched her head in confusion, “So… the principal is just a spider now, or something? That how he’s clingin’ to the ceilin’ like that?” she asked, then gave a mock gasp, “Oh! Is he Spider-Man?”

“Better not be,” Asahi crossed his arms over his chest in a pout, “Spider-Man is too cool to be here.”

"YOU INFERIER NITWITS"

“Again, an accurate description of the group,” Briar nodded approvingly.

“They are inferior, and they are nitwits,” Asahi agreed.

 Prinsipal was strong he toke edowerds arm mid flite and then threw edowedr thru his desk braking it! Then prinsipal dropped on toop of edowerd!

"THOU ISTETH DOTH A FUCKERETH" scramed edowerd as prinsipul snaped his neck!

Unlike the outrage that came with Charlie’s death, this one was received with overall indifference y the group. Again, unlike Charlie, the nameless principal didn’t really have the same emotional ties.

“He’s in a better place,” Asahi said with a lazy, uncaring shrug.”

Cherry nodded her head. “Yeah. Honestly I can’t really bring myself to actually care about him,” she confessed. “I mean, we never even got a name, an he’s just sort of… there. So… sucks he’s dead, but meh.”

 Even tho i haet that fuocking rapist basturd

Briar took in a deep breath, folding her hands together and hiding her mouth behind it, “You… can’t just call people a rapist when there was never a rape,” she said through gritted teeth. “There’s been no mention of him assaulting or even harassing you or anyone. You can’t just call everyone you don’t like a rapist.”

 I stil felt bad becuz nobuddy dezervs that kind of treetmint.

“Unless you’re Swan,” Asahi grumped.

 Then he threw edowerd thru the wal and into another rum! "DOTH WENCH!"

"GOD FUOCING DAMMIT EDOWERD STOP DYEING ON ME!" I scremed! He got out a steak and began to stalc edowerd as he was recumpensing frum the strugul but NO! becuz then i throo the catana rite thru Prinsipal's stomick wit al my mite!

“Sure ya did,” Cherry said with a roll of her yes, “An everyone clapped after, didn’t they?”

"AH! AH! AH! AHHHHH!" Prinsipul scramed as he fel back. As he was faling i ran up to him and stabed him agin and agin 78 tiems.

Asahi winced, “Gee, talk about excessive,” he said. “Stabbing someone that many times takes deliberation.”

 I wuz so extreem becuz he had alsmot kiled edowrd and jakub. Then i throo the prinsipul across the rum and put my catan away. I ran ovar to that dying fucker.

"Why did you do this" I aksed him. "We jsut wanted to help the students."

“’Because you fucking shot me out of the blue, you crazy bitch,’ is what he should say,” Briar said with a scowl. “Anyone would fight back if someone just came up and hurt them.”

“An’ wantin’ to help the other students? Talk about a bold-faced lie!” Cherry added.

"The biotch esmay wuz goign to kil me anywayz for faeling! I thught that i culd kil edowrd who ive alwayz nown was a vampoire!"

"then you deserve this you fucker" i sed as i shout my shotgun into him. Then i did it agin and agin and a furth tiem (this last one in the hed) jsut to maek sure he wuldnt cum back and try to raep or stabe me.

“Swansin, listen,” Asahi folded his hands together and leaned forward. “I understand this can come across as a difficult notion to process, but no one wants to screw you, consensual or not. In fact, no one wants to even touch you, or be in the same room as you. You’re that unpleasant to be around.”

Blud wuz everywer. I had kiled the prinsipal. I didnt waent to do that but i haed to. He wuz so violenta he culd hav kiled sumone.

Cherry brought a hand to her mouth and bit down on it to muffle her scream. “Hrrrrm!” was what came out, both of rage and maybe a little bit of pain as her body trembled. After a few moments she pulled her hand away, it red with clear indentation of her teeth. “How can someone be such a proud, blatant hypocrite?”

“Pot,” Asahi snarked. “It’s kettle. You’re black.”

Anywzys I put the vial into the aer condishiner and then the antivirus stated spreding thrughout teh scool.

To that, Briar gave a slow clap, “Hooray,” she said in a tone as dry as plain toast. “Everyone would have been better off dead than to continue a miserable existence here, but I suppose we can’t win them all.”

Chapter 22 – Escaep

The vyle wuz in the aer cundishener and then the condishiner was spreding thru the vents.

 I culd smel the antydote efecting everyune in the scool.

“You can just smell that the antidote is working?” Briar asked, unimpressed. “That’s not how these things work.”

I think that savign evereeone heer wuz an akt of redempshin for kiling the prinsipal. I rally felt bed abut that becuz

Cherry raised an eyebrow, “Because…?”

“It’s redemption for her killing the principal, she didn’t want to be redeemed,” Asahi answered, though not quite satisfied, “Though I hate how she feels like she needs to be redeemed for killing him, but now for abusing Swan and killing her dad.”

"jakub are youu okay!?" i scremed wile runingn ovar to his scabee bodee.

"What the fuock do u think" he sed. He was sexily coverd in brewzes.

“Burns and bruises are two very different things,” Briar pointed out. “But really, someone that wounded is clearly not going to be okay.”

“How the hell is someone ‘sexily’ covered in bruises?” Cherry demanded. “Is she just attracted to people being hurt? She that much of a sadist—oh shit I think she is.”

"let me help you with my beyutiful signign voyse" i sed as i begin to sung beyutifuly at him. I sung born dis way by ladee gaga.

“It sounds exactly like nails on a chalk board,” Asahi described with a grimace. “Your ears will begin to bleed as glass around them shatters. A bird outside the window dies just from the sound alone. It even causes Jacob’s burns to worsen.”

“A song worse than a banshee’s cry,” Briar added with a nod. “The sound alone beckons listeners to the doorstep of death.”

Sudenlee jakub got up frum the grund his scabes faling off. Then sudenlee his hare began to turn bloo. His eies met mien an then i instatelee new wat i wuz in for.

“I’m sorry,” Cherry interrupted, “Did his hair just turn blue? Out of nowhere it turned fuckin’ blue?”

“And it will likely never be explained,” Asahi said.

"Rebeca i new i did the rite thing when i decidd to sav you" he sed dreemilee. Then he fel on toop of me and we began to kis litelee.

Briar was a woman who had faced many monsters and horrors. She had seen nightmarish scenes too grotesque to put to words. Human dismemberment, limbs impaled on tree branches, entrails wrapped around like tinsel on a festival tree as blood dripped down, soaking and dying the earth below red, that was family friendly compared to many of the encounters her life as a Huntsman had given her. She had faced it all unfazed, as any Huntsman would, with the iconic stoicism that terrified others.

Yet this had left her looking and feeling queasy.

“I swear, if they have sex…” she began, taking a breath and shaking her head. “Not only will it be disgusting, as is expected of anything revolving around her, but it will also be infuriating. She treats Edward like he is less because his desires, but would sleep with Jacob without issue…”

“A fuckin’ hypocrite!” Cherry shouted.

It wuz so perfect. Then edowerd got up and luked at us and then powted and the left becuz hes nothing but a jellis biotch.

“Yes, he’s a jealous bitch, because his ex-girlfriend is being horny for the baby-liking dog, when she demonized him for less,” his head was going to hurt if he kept rolling his eyes, but Asahi did so anyways.

"yo homie wats up" tanishanqua sed as she and alicia and mr chocoluv enterd the rum. But i wuz stil kiding jakub so then they stoped. "yo that bitch crayyyy" tasniahshanqua sed as she and alicea and Mr chovoluv left the rum. Then rosalee caem into the rum.

Asahi shook his head, “I certainly want rum after reading this.”

“Same,” Cherry added.

That got Asahi to reach over and smack her, not too hard, on the back of the head. “Don’t even think of it, Bolton,” he warned.

"normalee id fuock u up biotch but u did okay today so il let u off the hook." She sed, puting her guns away. She had onlee 1 bullit hole on her chest meening that she kiled a LOT of coips today. Poor copis.

“Not poor cops,” Cherry snapped back. “Those cops dared to stand up against our queen, Rosalie. One even shot her. They deserved whatever fate she gave them.”

 Enyways for unce i wuz so happee that i didnt even get angree i jsut smiled and basked in hapiniss.

"jakub" i asked

"yes" he sed, holdign me

"does tihs mean that weer together now?" i asked

"mmhmm" he sed kising my forehed as the sun set.

“Yesterday she was all over Edward. Today she’s all over Jacob,” Briar slowly said, listing the two boys off on her fingers, frowning as she spoke. “Will she be all over someone new come tomorrow?”

“Probably,” the other two said. The pattern was already there, it was just a question of who the third, unneeded and unwanted, love interest was going to be.

Chapter 23 – The house

So after we left scool all fiev of us (not mr chocoluv he cant leave the scool sincs hes a teachor) went to my hose to get rid of the evidense.

Cherry frowned, “Since when do teachers live at the school?” she asked, holding her hands out in a ‘what the fuck’ gesture. “Ya know he’s allowed to have a life outside of education, right?”

“No, they’re not,” was Asahi’s sarcastic response. “Once you get your teaching certificate, you’re not allowed to step foot off campus, ever. If you do, you forfeit your life.”

 Tasniahshanqua was on my rite Jakub was also on my rite Alicia and Edowerd were on my left. We got to my huose.

“Because it’s so important where they are positioned around you, really effects the efficiency of the group,” Asahi continued, still just as sarcastic.

“Got to make sure the bitch is in the smack-dab center,” Cherry agreed.

"are you sure you want to do this" i edowerd asked me.

"yes i am sure" i sed lukign over into jakubs eies. I new that i had to atoen for my sins just liek judah wuld want me to do.

“Is she actually going to atone?” Briar asked, paused, and shook her head. “No, of course not. She is so narcissistic that she cannot even comprehend that she has done anything wrong, ever, in her life. What sins she’s thinking of are likely ‘I forgot to recycle’ and not ‘I murdered Charlie and abuse Bella.’”

“Has to be exhausting to be that self-centered,” Asahi hummed.

This was the first step in doing it. I tuk a pieces of wud from the house and then lit it on fier. Then i throo the fitre into the house and it all began to burn down.

Taking a deep breath, Asahi looked up to the ceiling for advice, and after receiving none, looked back to the screen. “You can’t just burn down your house. That’s not going to solve any of your problems, it’ll just make more as the police and firemen flock to your house to investigate. You’ll just make things worse for yourself.”

“Bitch thinks she’d an Elric,” Cherry grumped, looking sour.

"Yo Moon where are you gonna live now?" Tanishashanqua asked politelee. I nodded my hed to her.

"she can cum live with us" alicia sed. I was happe becuz this wuld give me a chance to completd my misshin!

“And she hasn’t forgotten her mission,” Briar said, sounding impressed. “That’s actually surprising.”

“I sure as fuck forgot the mission,” Cherry declared.

I luked ovar to jakub who looked depressd becuz he didnt want me near that fuocking sick motherfocker edowerd but i new what i had to do.

Asahi curled his fingers, like he was trying to grab or strangle something, but instead only caught air. “Cullen did nothing wrong. You asked him a question, and he gave you an honest answer,” he growled out, and it was honestly getting exhausting—not just for him but for all of them—to keep emphasizing this. But what could they do, Rebecca had such a warped view of reality.

“All ya did was trick him into thinkin’ he could be honest with ya,” Cherry scowled.

Briar nodded her head. “It was manipulative of you. You tricked him into thinking it’d be okay to say and then punished him simply for saying it.”

"yeah sure that wrks" i told her faking a smile. I wuldnt mind living with alicia even when she drug deeled but living wiht edowerd was going to be realy awkwurd.

“Sure, your boyfriend for a day is so awkward to be around, can’t imagine why,” Asahi scoffed.

Then i saw sumone wakjing toewrds us fiev. Her name was Claritee Etude Simphonia [AN: SHE IS BASD OF MY FIEND CHELSEE!] but we jsut caled her Krystal becuz looking into her eies it was like looking into cristals.

As if it weren’t irritating enough. “Just what we needed,” Asahi rolled his eyes. “More of your OCs. Let’s hope they’re better people than Swansin.”

Krystel is one of my best frends she was kidnaped when she was born by the Vulture

“I see. So now instead of just eating corpses like a normal scavenger bird, vultures are resorting to kidnapping people,” Briar nodded her head as she said that. “Good to know, makes perfect sense.”

Cherry grinned, “They gotta get the meat fresh somehow.”

who then rased her to be evil and they kiled her mother and father and her uncles and ants comitd suiside becuz they wer so depresed like major fuokcing retards. Then she escaepd but she becam a vampire becuz of it so now she lives in forks.

“Forks is just the hub for every plot-convenient thing and person to swarm to, isn’t it?” Asahi asked.

“Honestly? Sounds par for the course for most media,” Cherry replied.

 Sumtiems she stil remembers it but its okay. She wants venge on the Vulturi becuz they are ashoes.

“Understandably so,” Briar nodded. “The Volturi truly are assholes.”

"hi rebecca how is everting today" she asked but then she saw my hose burnign down so then she screemed "WHAT THE FOUCK WHO DID THIS". She got out a gun wich maed alicia get out her gun and maed edowerd get out his nales and make jakub get out his ax. (Tanishashanqua also got a gun out becuz alicia had given her one earlyr to defend hersefl).

“Now, shoot each other,” Asahi demanded, “If this works out, only Tanishashanqua will survive, and she’s actually tolerable. Not likable, but tolerable.”

"its okay dont woree we have a plan" i told her stayig calm. She was assurd of my intelijence and then she smiled.

Cherry snorted, “Intelligence?” she repeated. “What intelligence?”

"rebecca who is that major fucking hotty!?" she asked me giggling. I giggled to. I whispered into her ear.

"weer totalee going out isnt it awsome!?"

"you go girl!" she sed and then high fived me and then left.

“If we’re lucky, we’ll never see her again,” Briar said.

 But her leeving maed me really sad and I didn't no why. Then i luked to my house wich was burning down and i began to fell bad. Why culdnt I be a normal gurl like Krystal?

Cherry was laughing at this. “You call her normal?” she asked, bent over and between chuckles. “Ya even read the backstory ya gave her? She’s far from normal!”

Why do I haev to be chased by fucking rappers everywhere i go and and why did i allways haev to live this kind of life!?

“Look, rap’s not that bad, and this is coming from someone who hates that genre,” Asahi defended.

I DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THIS SHIT WHAT THE FOUCK!?

“It’s called karma,” Briar explained. “You’ve done a lot of things, and have accumulated a lot of bad karma as a result.”

"Rebecca is sumthing rong" sexily asked jakub as he caressed over to me, regarding me shroedlee. He huged me in front of everyone but it had no effect.

“Careful,” Asahi warned. “She might stab you in the dick if you touch her, and then she’ll blame you and call you a rapist just for hugging her.”

"Everything so fo unfare!" i scremed to him angrilee. "Why cant i just be plane like the rest of the wurld and pepul heer!? Im too gud at things and i kepe having pepul fal in luv with me! ITS A FUOCKING CURS JAKUB HELP ME BRAKE IT!"

Cherry cringed, “Wow,” she breathed. “I’m getting’ major My Immortal vibes from that one.”

I wus crying now becuz to be honest i was foucking sick of this lie f.

“You can always kill yourself,” Asahi offered.

Cherry looked at him with a grimace. “Suicide baitin’ is kinda harsh, even for this.”

But he only shrugged. “Just listing the options.”

"dere dere its okay" alicai sed pating my back as the hose funishd burning down. She always new what to say to cheer me up wich was gud. "lets go back to my palce and get sum taco bell okay" she sed.

"I FUOCKING HATE TACO BEL ITS NOT ENVIYORMENTALY SAEF" I sed crying

Breathing in deeply, Cherry didn’t even look at him. “I take it back, Asahi. It wasn’t harsh, your suggestion is too lenient for her.”

"okay den" she sed and we went off to get sum vegan orgaenik fud and then go to Edowerds house. [AN: EET ORGAENIC ITS WAY BETTER FOR THE ENVIYOURMINT THEN FAST FUD!]

“Meat is organic,” Cherry said slowly. “Cheese is organic. A cheeseburger is just as organic as a salad.”

Asahi frowned, “After this I’m going straight to a burger joint and am going to order and eat the biggest, meatiest burger on the menu. Just to spite her.”

AN:

im not even replying to the flaems anymoar becuz honestlee you guys are fuockers who are stating hurt my feelings just LEEV ME ALOEN IF YOU DONT LIEK IT JUST FUOCK YOU FUOCKERS I CAENT STAND YOU ASDAJSLDKFSD

“You brought this on yourself, just like always, by ignoring every piece of advice and criticism given,” Briar said unsympathetic to her plight. “You were told you need to use spellcheck, you ignored it and instead let your typing get worse. You’ve been told the storytelling and pacing Is all over the place, and you retaliate with hate. Now you whine and cry while blaming others? Pathetic.”

Taking this chance as another chapter came to a close, Asahi shot to his feet—almost tripping over Cherry’s skateboard in the process—and began to make a beeline away from the others.

“Where ya goin’?” Cherry asked, watching him go.

He didn’t stop walking or pause to look at her, “To get some air,” he answered simply. “I need to get away from the story for a bit, again, otherwise I’ll go crazy trying to process the absurdity of Swansin and her associates.”

Sighing, Briar slowly rose to her feet as well. “I, for one, am with him on that,” she said, stretching a little to relieve the stiffness of sitting down for so long. “Both Rebecca and TwilightRova are perfect examples of insanity, and I fear if we observe for too long, that madness will infect us like a disease.”

With that, she was walking away too, leaving Cherry alone in the seat.

Though, once she had finished off the last of her snacks, she quickly gathered up her things and scampered away from the screen as well, intent on restocking the treats and drinks, and taking a breather as well.

#Twilight #Fanfiction #MST3k Style Riffing #MST

[thetheatermst]

Witch-Gods and Other Poppycock

The frown on his face wouldn’t leave no matter how hard he might have tried, not that he was trying particularly hard, even though he was trying to focus as much as he could on the book in his hands and not on the world around him. Yes, he’s read The Setting Sun a number of times by now, enough times that he all but knew the story word-for-word, but to his credit he hadn’t really thought he’d be spending all that much time reading when he grabbed the book from his shelf before leaving the apartment. It was just something to read while he was on the train, to pass the time. If he had known that even after arriving that he would be spending what felt like hours just waiting, he would have picked something else. Maybe The Memory Police, that one has been collecting dust on his shelf for a few weeks.

Murder in the Crooked House was another book he could have picked, he’s heard good things about that one, kept meaning to read it, kept putting it off. Ah, but hindsight was 20/20. He had to make do with what he had on hand to pass the time.

Not that it’d make much difference, he thought to himself as he turned the page.

The longer he sat there waiting, the harder it was to concentrate, to focus. He tapped his fingers against the book cover as his eyes ran over the lines of words. He’d spent hours here, or rather, it felt like hours. Was probably more like twenty minutes. Maybe thirty. He hadn’t brought a watch, another poor decision. But he had spent enough time here, wasting time he could have spent out and about, he could have been making sure Mitsuru was okay.

She’ll be fine, she’s staying in her apartment all day to rest. Sick with a stomach bug that had been going around.

Nope, that did nothing to ease Asahi’s nerves. If anything, reminding himself that she was sick only served to make him want even more to get out and—and do what? Just watch her from across the street? Randomly show up at her house with soup?

She’ll be fine, he could practically hear Hachirō's exasperated whispering in his ear, though the man was nowhere to be seen. Just be patient, I know that’s hard. Even the imaginary version of him spoke in an infuriating tone that mixed sympathy with condescension.

It was also useless advice. Asahi had been trying to be patient since the moment he arrived. If anything, it felt like he had been overly generous in his patience. Patiently waiting, patiently sitting there nice and quiet, minding his own business, ignoring the others, patiently waiting for something, anything, to happen.

He was done with being patient.

Closing his book with an audible snap, he stood up and turned his head to look at his companion, who had thankfully been rather quiet this whole time as well.

“Please tell me I’m not the only one sick of waiting around.”

The girl was younger than him, looked like she was either at the end of junior high, or perhaps the start of high school. What’s more was that she looked like a problem child.

Her hair was brown in color, however the ends of her loosely tied pigtails were dyed a reddish sort of pink.

She was even dressed like trouble. A dark purple crop-top hoodie covered her top, showing a toned midriff—and Asahi was surprised to not see a belly ring on her. Her bottoms were covered in loose ripped jeans, held onto her hips by a black studded belt. While she lacked a belly button piercing, her ears more than made up for it by the numerous studs and rings that adorned both. Asahi supposed he ought to be thankful she didn’t have any facial piercings to go with it, it was hard to explain but the mere idea of sticking a needle anywhere but in the ear made him queasy. To top it all off she was wearing combat boots. Fucking combat boots. What the hell?

The girl looked up from her game, having spent the time playing something on the switch she had brought. She looked at him for a few moments before shrugging. “It is gettin’ pretty dull round here,” she agreed.

His eyes flickered from her to the small table situated between their cushioned seats and the large screen. It was nondescript, the only thing to note being the sealed letters waiting on it, both numbered and the first written on the front ‘Open when all participants are ready’. For a moment, Asahi considered going ahead and tearing it open, request to wait be damned, but he didn’t. Who knew what would happen if they started off this…thing… breaking the rules.

Instead, Asahi sighed and slipped his book back into the safety of the bag by his feet before he stood up. The girl said nothing as he slipped past her, making his way to the seat on the very end of their row, where the third member of this jolly little party sat in the large and suspiciously empty theater. The third participant who slept soundly, without a care in the world.

If the girl was dressed like trouble, this one dressed like a cosplaying nerd.

Their face was tan in color, their dark hair messy and tied into an equally messy ponytail, their lips were thin and parted just slightly, a scar running over them, there were many scars on their face now that he took a closer look, and upon that closer look he could also see the freckles dotting their face like a constellation. They wore a leather jerkin that was tied tight right up to the neck, and some looser, white shirt underneath and had on black, high waisted trousers that were tied shut rather than buttons and zippers, the thread being slim, sturdy leather. On their hands were work gloves, and their boots were shin-high, both made of leather and equally dark. They even had some old dagger strapped to their hip.

In all honesty, they looked like they had stepped right outside of either a convention or a renaissance fair.

What really stood out to him was that there were no real defining features that told him if this person was a man or woman. The sleeping figure was older than him, so there should have been some development if they were a woman, but at the same time they lacked anything that really stood out as masculine. Their features were a mix of soft and hard that blended together oddly seamlessly.

Though what he really took away from it all was that Asahi was certain he was the only one who was dressed normal. The girl looked like a parent’s disappointment, and the sleeping adult looked like they were playing a role for some dark ages play. At least he was dressed in a basic white shirt, dark jacket, and faded jeans. He looked like someone who could disappear in a crowd with how much he blended in.

Though another thing about their looks that irked him a little, just a tiny bit, was that his companions were clearly some kind of European, making him the odd one out. It felt weird being in a room where he was the only one not a foreigner. But, he had to hand it to the girl at least, her Japanese was flawless.

“This is ridiculous,” he growled, trying his best to bite back the growing agitation and frustration. “I’m waking them up.”

The girl looked up, pushing herself to her feet as she held her game in one hand. “Ya think that’s okay? Kinda rude wakin’ a person up.”

“I don’t care if I’m being rude or not. I’ll worry about that later. Right now, I just want to get this show on the road.”

Staring down at the sleeping figure, he slowly raised a hand up high and waited a few moments, contemplating whether he was really going to do it or not. No, this was not the time to chicken out. Mouth pressed into a firm line, he brought his hand down, quick and hard. With a loud whap, he had slapped the person across the face in an attempt to wake them.

The effect he had gotten was instantaneous, but perhaps not the one he had entirely wanted.

The sleeping cosplayer jerked and jumped to their feet, and before he could react, they had grabbed him by the wrist, yanking him almost off his feet as the strangers other hand grabbed him by the throat. Twisting him and turning him, until Asahi’s back was pressed against the hard plastic arm rests of the chair.

“Where am I? What’s going on?” the stranger demanded in a voice equally sexually ambiguous, keeping a firm hold on his throat and tugging his arm painfully behind his back. “Are you two sellswords? You’re both dressed rather fancy for that.”

He gritted his teeth. “Let me go,” he demanded, voice hoarse and strained. His mind was screaming, a waterfall of thoughts and images, of impulses trying to break through to the surface, to the muscles and nerves.

The stranger tightened his grip, “Tell me what’s going on and maybe I’ll—!”

The girl was thankfully not the passive observer. While the stranger had been focused on him, she had jumped over the seats dividing them and had, in an impressive display of acrobatics and flexibility, driven her foot right in the stranger's face despite her being a good several inches shorter.

“What the hell, man!” she yelled as she fell back to her feet, glaring up at him with anger and fear.

The person had stumbled back, their grip on him loosening, the hand on his neck letting go completely to hold their own nose, checking for damage, for blood. “Ah, fuck! Okay we can play it that way if that’s how you want it.” With that, they moved towards her, dragging him along, but stopping short after one step. “Ah. I see how it is.”

Their own knife was pressed against their stomach, having skipped past the flaps of their jerkin. Asahi frowned and pressed the knife harder against them with his free hand, his grip tight, ready to drive it through flesh if needed.

“How about we back off? We don’t know what’s going on here either, okay?” he said slowly, warningly. Hopefully the stranger accepted that. Even though he had a knife, he could tell they were in different leagues.

Thankfully, his answer seemed to be good enough. The stranger let go of his other hand and backed off. “Fair, fair,” they said, running a hand through their own hair, pushing it back a little. Asahi noticed that their ears had a noticeable point to the tops. He also noticed, now that he was getting a good look at their face, that their eyes were a bright violet color. Weird. Eye contacts? Probably.

Slowly, he withdrew the knife and in a show of peace, offered it back to the other, who took it graciously and sheathed it at their hip once more.

The air was still tense, but, it didn't feel as volatile as it had.

Breaking the tension was a sharp, crackling laugh from the girl. “Finally,” she said with a sharp exhale, like a rapidly deflating balloon. Not letting either get a word in, she marched past them to the table, picked up the first letter, and tore it open. “Let’s get this shit going so we can go home!”

Neither Asahi or the stranger argued as she cleared her throat, scanned the letter, and began reading it out loud with as exaggerated and posh of an accent as she seemed capable of mustering. “Thank you for participating. Before we begin, however, would you all be so kind as to introduce yourselves to each other and to our audience?”

They looked at one another, confusion clearly etched on their faces.

The girl scanned the theater, peering at the corners and the ceiling. “Audience? Like what? Cameras an’ stuff?”

“By the looks of it, they’re hidden,” Asahi muttered when he caught no glimpse of one.

The stranger furrowed their brows. “What even are ‘cameras’?” they asked and then paused, face looking visible uncomfortable, maybe even distraught. “I… ah… okay, that’s a camera. This is strange magic.”

He paid no mind to it, just a weirdo being weird. But, if all they wanted was an introduction, he could do that.

“Okay. I’ll go first.” Asahi cleared his throat, looked around before deciding to face the movie screen—if there were cameras hidden, then that would be an ideal place to hide one. “My name is Asahi Kurosaki, I’m nineteen. I was born in the Ōno district of Gifu, though I moved to Tokyo and have been living there for the past four years with my brothers. After finishing all my compulsory education and a little bit of high school, I joined the workforce as a barista at a café and as a freelance photographer.” Of course, that was leaving out some things here and there, but neither of these two needed to know any of that.

With that, Asahi nodded and turned to the girl, “Okay. Your turn.”

She shrugged, stuffed her hands into her pockets and looking like she didn’t care one bit. “Name’s Cherry Bolton. I’m sixteen. Born an raised city girl. Didn’t drop out or nothin’ since I’m still doin’ school. Work part-time at this stupid pizzeria. Skate in my free time. That about sums it up.” She plopped down into a seat after tossing the letter into the air before looking to their third member. “Yer turn.”

Catching the letter, the stranger frowned. “I feel like I still know nothing about either of you,” they pointed out.

Asahi didn’t smile. “You know our names and what we do, that’s good enough for now, don’t you think? It’s not like we’re going to tell some strangers any more than necessary.” Personally, he felt like giving them his city location was a bit much, but hey, Tokyo was a big place. Even if someone came looking for him, it wouldn’t be easy to find him.

That seemed to pacify the stranger a little bit. “Okay, okay. My name is Briar Makiir. I’m… old. Just how old escapes me. I’m half-fey, somewhat of a mage, but more importantly a Huntsman of Tarrigan. I hunt monsters and creatures too dangerous for others to face.”

“Shoulda told me we were doing ‘in character’ stuff! Ah, I coulda had so much fun doin' somethin’ like that,” Cherry said loudly from her seat, not that Briar seemed to understand the joke. “But I’ve somethin’ I been wonderin’ bout you, Briar. No offense, but you a guy or gal?”

Ah, thankfully she was the one to ask. Asahi felt like he had been going crazy trying to figure that out. And by the looks of it, Briar didn’t seem offended at all. If anything, they offered a smile, a little laugh, a shake of the head.

“I’m a man right now.”

And giving answers that made as little sense as his introduction had. Well, whatever. A weirdo being weird.

Cherry and Briar were chatting, bantering a little with one another, but Asahi tuned them out just like he tuned out the mutterings in his head, or tried to. It’s interesting how they speak Japanese so fluently, it was interesting, not that Asahi was paying it much mind, They don’t sound like foreigners at all, no they didn’t. Had he been paying attention to the whispers and thoughts; he might have thought more on it. But as it was, Asahi couldn’t really bring himself to care much about these two people or what their stories were.

For now, there were things a bit more important than whispers, language, and nationalities. Instead, Asahi moved to take the other letter, tearing it open and bringing it back to the other two so that they could read it as well.

 If you are reading this, then I believe it is right to assume that the three of you have already done as the previous letter has asked. With that in mind, I welcome and thank you for coming, and will explain the purpose of your presence here today.

I consider myself a being of science, and so it would not be wrong to consider this a kind of social experiment, though I can hardly say I am the first to attempt this, only among the most recent. You’re here to read and review some… rather poor attempts at written fiction. Fanfiction, to be precise. Your responses and reactions will be filmed and shown to a large audience. Be as honest and as vicious as you can to these affronts of literature.

As for the theater itself. Where you are currently stands as a nexus between worlds. A neutral space, so to speak. The three of you may leave as you wish, however only those I’ve permitted may enter when I permit it. You may have noticed, but the three of you are not from the same worlds, not from the same realities. This theater acts as grounds where you may meet one another. This may provide all of you with a unique learning experience, as undoubtedly you can learn from each other. Do not worry, you will not forget what transpires in this theater when you leave.

To make this easier for everyone present, I’ve made it so that you will receive knowledge regarding various fandoms, terms, and other miscellaneous facts that will come to you as needed. You may have also noticed that you are able to understand one another precisely despite speaking different languages, that is also due to the theater’s effects on you. However, the knowledge and understanding only works within the theater grounds.

Now, I assure you that your time and efforts wont go unrewarded. Any proceeds received from donations and advertisement funding will go to both expanding and improving the theater, and each of you will also receive stipend. All I ask is that you come once a week, that you give me your time, nothing more, nothing less.

And, if you require more persuading; the expansion into other worlds will provide more opportunities to meet new people, to experience and learn new things. You may each grow from these experiences, to learn or gain skills that may aid you in goals or dreams. You have been given an opportunity to experience a multiverse, and it is not an opportunity many are ever given.

I beg you to not let this opportunity slip by. This may be difficult, perhaps even painful at times, but I promise you that it will be worth it all in the end.

Snacks and drinks will be provided, free of charge.

With that, the letter was done, and as the three slowly process the contents, they looked to each other. The wheels were turning in each of their minds, contemplating, considering, going over what was offered to them and what was asked of them in return. After minutes of silent contemplation, the Huntsman spoke up.

“I’ve seen many bits of magic, all sorts of horrors and more, but even so, this is hard to believe.” He crossed his arms, staring at the letter that had been moved back to the table. “The letter bleeds ambition and screams of a madman. But, by the Aether if I’m not curious to see how this unfolds.”

Asahi looked over to Cherry, who was kicking her feet against the ground as she thought, her lips pursed, her eyes turned up to the ceiling. He didn’t want to admit it, but he agreed with Briar. The letter seemed ambitious and mad in equal parts, but there was something about it that made him curious. It was like seeing a car crash, common sense said to do one thing, but you just couldn’t help but stand still and watch the car erupt into flames and the people around it scream. Plus, whoever brought them here was offering money, and well, who was he to say no to money when all he had to do was read some fanfics?

Cherry hummed, “I’m kind of interested to see what all this is about, too,” she agreed, tapping against the paper and flipping it over. There was, to their surprise and somehow unsurprising, more on the back.

If you are still reading, then I will take it as you have accepted this offer. There are no words to express my gratitude, so I will simply say this; Thank you.

The story you are starting with is a short one all things considered, coming in at only a little over 2k words. It is a Harry Potter story from late 2013 by Belle-Destinee called ‘Harry’s Destiny’. I thought this would be the perfect one to ease the three of you into this experiment and experience.

I wish you all the best of luck.

The group let out a collective groan when the letter was, for certain now, done. None could say they looked forward to what they already knew was going to be a bad one.

“Talk about throwing us into the thick of things,” Asahi muttered. “At least we aren’t starting off with My Immortal.”

Cherry huffed, “I’ll take what I can get. Coulda been worse, an how bad can it be?” she asked, looking around. “But, hey, he said snacks would be provided, right? Well, I’m gonna get myself some snacks before we start. Who’s with me?”

“I could go for a bite and a drink,” Briar said softly.

Asahi frowned. “Well, I think I did see a concession stand by the door… but I don’t think I saw anything there.”

As if to prove him wrong, the smell of snacks wafted through the air. All three glanced over to the back doors, and sure enough at what had been an empty stand was now full of all sorts of snacks and drinks waiting to be taken. Perhaps you aren’t as observant as you thought, he heard Hachirō in his ear. He ignored it.

The three went to collect their respective treats, which took longer than expected, due to Briar not knowing what anything but the water and jerky were. When all was said and done, they took their seats in the front row, settling in with Briar and Asahi on the sides and Cherry in the center. The room darkened after a few moments, and as the screen lit up, the debacle began.

~* chapter one *~

the weather was very cold becuz it was winter time.

“‘Becuz’!” Cherry exclaimed, rolling her eyes. “Why, aren’t we off to a swell start!”

“Also, considering it’s winter, I would hope it would be cold,” Asahi added.

 Florianna fastasa serenity is walking don the road and was very cold.

Briar sighed, shaking his head in clear disappointment. “I know one should never judge another by their name alone,” he began, raising his head to stare at the screen. “But, that name is awful beyond words.”

“I’m just assumin’ here that her name is ‘Fastasa’ ‘cause she runs towards bullshit real fast,” Cherry said with a snort.

 she was looking for the Hogwarts Castle in the middle of the city becaus she has been chosen to become the castles maid.

They paused, stared up at the screen. One could hear the old dial-up tone playing in their heads as they stared, sitting in silence. Thankfully, it did not last long. Asahi broke it, his face confused, his tone flabbergasted.

“There is…” he began, a crack to his voice, “...so many things wrong with that sentence.”

Briar in turn stared at the screen and raised a brow, “They make it sound as if becoming a servant is something that one is chosen from a lottery to become. Which I can assure you is not how it works.”

Chuckling Cherry rose to her feet, cleared her throat, and stretched her arms out. “Number twenty-eight? Come on down!” she called out, like an announcer on stage. “You’re up for maid duty! Report to the castle at dawn, or we shall steal your children an’ feed em to the wolves!”

she walk and walk and soon she get there. the guards open the door for her.

Sitting back down, Cherry was still laughing, shaking her head with a wry grin on her face. “Anyone else gettin’ a real ‘no wizards’ vibe from this so far?” she asked, looking at the other two and tilting her head to the screen. “Guards? Castles in the city? This sure ain’t the Hogwarts I know.”

“It feels like a medieval AU without it being a medieval AU,” Asahi agreed.

"Thank you" she said politely and the guards smiled at heshe felt good after that. Just then she met a tall and stern lookng maid with red hair who made her feel small. still flora greeted her polite.

“I will commend her where it is due; she is very polite,” Briar admitted as he folded his arms across his chest. “She is a servant and she is aware of this, she seems to know that it is unwise for someone of her station to act up in front of those on a higher level than herself.”

“Ain’t that different from today. You’re s’possed to be nice, polite, an’ obedient when the bosses an’ customers are around, or ya run risk of being sacked,” Cherry said with a shrug and a smirk. “Too bad people don’t really care about that anymore, or fear their bosses enough to behave.”

"Who r u" she demanded and flora was shocked.

"Who r u" flora asked sadly

"I am ginny blackheart" she said menacing.

Asahi shook his head, glaring up at the screen as he moved to stand, but stopped himself, instead keeping himself grounded by tightly gripping the armrests of his seat. “Okay. No, no, no, and no. Blackheart? Blackheart?” he asked, his voice growing sharper, higher. “Her name is Ginny Weasley! What is this, another ‘gothic’ retelling of Hogwarts?”

As soon as he said ‘gothic’, Briar and Cherry both got a mental image of the infamous My Immortal flashing through their minds like a hot arrow to the brain.

“God, I hope not,” Cherry muttered.

 "we dont want you here"

Sighing, Briar shook his head. “Ginny, as much as you may not want her here, it is not up to you to decide who does and doesn’t work here,” he said, the words apologetic, but the tone far from it. “That is for the Lord or Lady of the castle to decide. Which, I presume, you are not.”

Flora don't know why grinny was so mean at her i mean i was invited here to be a maid!

He sighed again, sounding more aggravated now. “Correction,” Briar said, taking in a deep breath. “You wouldn’t have been ‘invited’ to be a maid. That suggests this is a visit or a leisure position, or something of some prestige such as a lady-in-waiting. Which it is not. You were hired to serve the Lord and Lady, and their guests.”

she was scared. just then a man with black hair came down the stairs.

"It is prince harry" everyone gasped and bowed.

Cherry gave a low whistle, “Well, well,” she laughed. “Look who's climbed up in the world. From livin’ in a cupboard to ownin’ a castle. Damn.”

“Bet the Dursley’s are jealous, now,” Asahi snickered.

harry was a very handsome person. flora was surprised. harry said to ginny "stop doing this to her i was the one who invited her here" Flora blushed. ginny was angry

“Oh, boy,” Asahi smirked as he shifted and rested his chin on his hand. “I’m willing to bet that it’s not good for a maid to get angry at their Lords. That sound about right, Briar?”

“You’d be right.”

 "b-but you are the headmaster heir harry"

Laughter ceased and Cherry was the one who squinted, sounding more confused than amused, now. “Wait, is he a prince, or is he a headmaster?” she asked them. “Cause, those are two very different things.”

she said "and you are engaged to me"

"i am engaged to no one" said harry "begone ginny before i explode you"

“Not gonna lie, but havin’ the power to explode people sounds wicked,” Cherry mused, smirking as she looked over to Briar. “That a thing where you’re from? Feels like it’d be something from your world.”

Briar hummed and thought it over. “I can’t say I’ve heard of that sort of magic before, but I do know of magic similar to that.”

ginna ran away

"how can i repay you" said flora

"just be here forever and ever' breathed harry

“And you can repay me by cleaning my castle, as you were hired to do,” Asahi said, putting on an obviously fake posh accent.

~TO BE CONTINUED~ 3

AN: No this is not a joke... if yes i would have put humour tag.

“We’re still gonna treat it like it is,” Cherry declared, raising a fist to the sky. The other two made sounds of agreement, raising their own fists, but not nearly as high or with as much enthusiasm as she did.

~*floras destiny*~

“Huh,” Briar frowned, reading the title and giving a tilt of the head. “I could have sworn it was Harry’s Destiny. Seems rather… unprofessional to change titles mid-story.”

so floar is now working in the castle as a maid. harryn always talks to her became they can get along very well now. sometimes ginny look evil at her but she cant do anything because harrie is watching.

“The grammar,” Asahi groaned, rubbing at his forehead. “That alone is giving me a headache. And how many different ways is she going to spell ‘Harry’?”

“As many as it takes,” Cherry shot back. “She’s got a point to make with these names. We just don’t know what that point is.”

 still gin ny always try to be mean to flora.

"i noe u r trying to steal harry from me" she say with menacing

"no i am not" said flora scaredly. she is telling the truth!

“Ya know, there’s this magical thing called ‘capitalization’,” Cherry whispered to the screen, gesturing with her hand in a rainbow motion. “It’s where ya make the letter all grown up. Ya use it at the start of sentences, or when using proper nouns- like names! You should give it a try sometime.”

Asahi leaned over to her, whispering just as soft, as if to prevent the nonexistent other audience members from hearing. “You’re assuming a lot thinking she knows what a noun is, let alone a proper noun.”

"I see u r trying to get close to harry becuz u want to become princess of hogwarts!" ginny yell and slapped flora. just then harry appear and slap ginny.

"go away and dont hit my girlfirned" said happy "i think u r just jealous"

“I’m sorry?” Briar began, blinking, trying to work out what was going on. “I’m afraid it looks like we’ve missed a step or three. When did they become a couple?”

Asahi shrugged, “Just now. Prince Potter has decided she’s his girlfriend this very second, no one is allowed to say otherwise or it’s off with their heads.”

Ginny blakheart run away becuz she was scared. actually she just want to marry harri becuz she wants to become princess. unlike flora who actually wants to marry larry because of real.

“Because of real…?” Cherry repeated, dragging out that word in expecatnce. “Ya gonna finish that sentence, or you expect us to just fill in the blanks like some bullshit ad libs game?”

“The answer could be a number of things,” Asahi added, crossing his arms and raising a brow. “Probably not love.”

“Definitely not love,” Briar confirmed.

"lets get married flora" breatehd Harry

"Yes please" said flora

At this point, Briar frowned, not at all an unusual sight within the theater at this point, but there was a note of concern on his expression. “Do you think Harry is having breathing problems?” he asked the others. “I’ve noticed he tends to ‘breathe’ his words more than he just says them.”

“I’d wager it’s more because he’s choking on tears of despair at having to say any of this to her at all, that’s why he’s breathing the words,” Asahi replied.

to be continued!

A/N: pls dont comment on my spelling. my teacher says that good writing spelling is not most important.

“Unfortunately, your teach is lyin’ to ya if they tell you that,” Cherry countered. “No teach worth their salt is gonna say spelling is not important.”

Asahi glowered and rose to his feet, personally offended by the claim. “Spelling is very important. Frequent spelling errors distract from the story itself, it comes off as sloppy, lazy,” he said, his voice rising in volume, barely holding back from outright yelling. “Most people would drop the story after the first page or two if the spelling was as atrocious as yours. So yes,” he said, taking a step towards the screen, “spelling is really fucking important!”

Still scowling, he sank back into his chair, arms crossed over his chest as he glared up at the screen. “Obviously plot and characters are important, too. But let’s be real, you aren’t doing either of those justice, either.

if u only focus on outside u will not understand tru beauty, thats what she said. just like how a lot of ppl say the girl in my class very pretty but she has bad personalite do u like that?

“Like Asahi said, though, your plot an’ characters ain’t that great, either,” Cherry pointed out and rolled her eyes. “Though if ya wanna use that ‘pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside’ analogy, then it’s safe to say yer story is ugly both in an out.”

“That’s a bit rude,” Briar chastised.

Cherry shrugged, “Maybe, but ya gonna tell me I’m wrong?” she countered, and when Briar said nothing, gave a smirk. “Didn’t think so.”

also i asure u that flora is not mary sue. she has flaws later on u see.

“I find that hard to believe,” Asahi rolled his eyes. “You should be able to see the character is flawed from the start.”

Briar slowly stood up, stretching his arms across his chest, and arching his spine. “How do you feel about taking a short break?” he asked the other two, looking down on them from where he stood. “This has been going on for a fairly long time now, and I don’t know about you, but I need a minute to recover from this barrage of mental attacks.”

Leaping to her feet, Cherry raised her arms high into the air and popped her back. “Oh, thank god!” she groaned, “I was worried we wouldn’t get a break; I need to piss so freakin’ badly!”

“You don’t need to announce it to everyone, just go to the bathrooms,” Asahi rolled his eyes, shoving her away so he could stand up, and when he did he grimaced and groaned, “My legs are so stiff.” He’d need to take a minute to just walk, let his muscles loosen back up. This was the lovely after affect of sitting so tense for however long it had been. Maybe he’d check out that small concessions stand and get himself something to drink.

Slowly the three all slipped out from their seats, and as if aware of what was going on, the lights of the theater just as slowly brightened back on. Cherry scampered off to the singular bathroom, leaving the boys alone to stretch and walk around to the concessions.

Briar was digging through it, managing to find and pull out a bottle of water after a few moments. “I’ll admit,” he said suddenly, passing the water to Asahi before looking for another one. “This story is not nearly as bad as it could have been.”

Rolling his eyes, Asahi twisted the bottle cap, “Don’t jinx it, Makiir.”

That got a soft, singular laugh from the Huntsman. “Fair point,” he said with a soft, crooked smile, before holding out his own bottled water as if to tap bottles with Asahi. “Hope for the best, expect the worst.”

Asahi sighed, but felt his own face relax. “Hope for the best, expect the worse,” he agreed, tapping his bottle to Briar’s.

Eventually Cherry returned and raided the concessions for a snack of her own, bringing out the biggest cup of soda she could find. Briar made a jab at her for it, warning her that she might find herself needing the restroom again before long with a drink like that, but Cherry had ignored his warning with a bark of laughter, skipping off to her seat.

The boys had followed after, with a degree of more reluctance as they settled back into their seats. Just as they had made themselves comfortable, the lights dimmed once more, and the screen became alit with the story.

~ hermione and flora and harry~

the next day flora went out to do some chores and she met hermoine, a girl in love with voldemort the dark lord.

“I’m sorry, what?” Asahi asked, blinking, and when that didn’t fix things, he rubbed his eyes and squinted at the screen. No, the text stayed the same. “That doesn’t-- with Voldemort? Not Ron Weasley, her boyfriend that she later marries? She’s in love with freaking Voldemort?”

Cherry sucked her teeth, muttering a quiet ‘yikes’ as Briar made an uncomfortable face. “I’ve seen… odd couplings before. But even then this is… something else.”

harry dont like her only as friend so they dont talk a lot. hermione asnd vold talk a lot and they smile too. voldemort like her and he said he will destroy world for her.

Cherry let out a frustrated scream. “The grammar is so bad! Learn to freakin’ capitalize your letters!”

“Though, you have to give him some respect. Destroying the world solely for the one you love?” Asahi asked, looking at Briar and Cherry. “It’s not an entirely bad idea.”

Briar looked at him with an expression of concern and caution. “No,” he said in the stern kind of voice a parent used for a child. “It’s a very bad idea. Don’t do that.”

hermione shoscked and said no! u must not destroy hogwarts magic land and voldmort say ok.

“Hogwarts magic land?” Cherry rolled her eyes. “Now that’s just lazy.”

(this is story abt how voldemort become good, becuz he turn back into handsome tom ruddle and fall in luv with hermione. i will cover this in other fic more in deep later.)

“Oh, joy,” Asahi gave a smile as fake as American democracy, “There’s going to be a spinoff. Goodie.”

Cherry rolled her eyes. “I really hate that stupid trope that bein’ bad makes ya ugly, but bein’ good makes ya pretty. It’s just so… so… elitist? I dunno,” she shook her head and began waving her hands in mindless gestures. “It just justifies that stupid mindset that being pretty makes ya better than everyone else, and puts everyone’s moral value on appearance. Absolute bullshit!”

anyway they live. and then flora ask harryn 'who is she' and harry say 'voldemort and hermione'. voldemort was very handsome not as handsome as harry but still very nice looking. because she have blacky hair and black clothes like gothic. he looks very mysterious and he is a duck lord.

“Duck Lord!” Cherry announced with childish glee, putting back on that silly, posh accent. “The noble, venerable lord of the ducks! The greatest of all lordships!”

 so lfora want to know more about her! they went back.

'wher did u go' said ginny angry. hahrry slapped her becuz she not polite. everyone must be polite so that is not good manner.

Briar scowled, raised a hand, but then lowered it to the arm rest and took a very deep breath. “Raising a hand to a woman because she asked a question is not polite either,” he said, his words tense, restrained. There was clearly more he wished to say, but was keeping himself from actually saying it.

 harry and flora go upstairs. then they watch tv becauz ginn has been good girl.

“Okay, I get that TV already existed when Harry Potter took place, but I refuse to believe that they actually watch TV,” Cherry complained, throwing her hands into the air.

Asahi shook his head, “I’m still trying to figure out if this takes place in the usual wizarding world, or if it’s in some past, medieval sort of world,” he admitted and shrugged. “It’s not really clear.”

so they play together and also read story about the past teach sevrus snake. then they fall asleep but they didnt do anything naughty becase they were pure and good.

With a snort, Cherry smirked and shook her head. “I find that hard to believe,” she said, snickering. “Pure an good, wow, talk about bullshit.”

but flora cannot forget vooldemort... he seem like he is very sad. flora wans to know why..

“Curiosity is good and all, but it’s important to know when you should not get yourself involved in the business of others,” Briar cautioned. “This is one of those times.”

“In short, mind your own business,” Asahi added.

to be continued

thank u krikanalo ur reveiws r really gud and make me want continue.

“Krikanalo?” Cherry bemoaned. “Why’d ya have to do us dirty like that?”

as to the rest ok i belief spell and grammer are important but its not the most impt ok? a good story is all tht enuff.

“I disagree,” Asahi scowled, looking ready to leap from his seat and begin a tirade of complaints. But he held himself back. “Doesn’t matter how good a story idea you have if you can’t make it readable. If the spelling and grammar is awful, then that automatically makes it a shit story.”

 in future when i have prove reader they can fix all my spell mistooks so dun wurry. ill be gud righter in no time.

“Why not take the time to proofread and improve your writing yourself?” Briar asked, raising a brow. “It’d be far more beneficial to you in the long run if you learned the skills to write a great story than if you relied on others to make it good for you.”

“Cause that would take effort,” Cherry answered.

Also shes not a mary sue, later chapters will show shes flaws and she can be unkind sometimes.

“She’s barely even a character at all,” complained Asahi as he scowled at the screen and the affront that he saw the story. “We know nothing about her besides her name and that she’s a maid! What are her interests? What does she like? What kind of habits does she have? Give us something other than a stickman character!”

~ next Chapter ~ 333

flora wake up the next morning becuz the alarm bell ring without sound.

“Kinda defeats the purpose of an alarm if it ain’t making a sound,” Cherry commented.

She closed it and look at the date it was august already and it was 7 am she must go to harrys room. so She walk out with blossoming excited steps and knock on garry's door smiling happily.

“I’m fairly certain you were supposed to go to Harry’s room,” Briar said with a hint of bemusement. “He might be upset if you’ve gone to Garry’s room instead.”

“Though I’ve gotta wonder what Oak’s grandkid is doing here,” Cherry mused.

"prince Harry wake up we are going to date together today" flora smells happily

Asahi narrowed his eyes, opened his mouth a few times before finding his words. “How does one even ‘smell happily’?” he asked.

Cherry shrugged, “No idea.”

 when she knows on the door. Suddenly she heard a Crash sound! she rushed in to see harry on the floor... Gginny is sleep drugging him and is going to do things to him!

“Big yikes,” Asahi muttered.

Cherry cringed, taking hold of her pigtails and tugging. “Why does it have to go there?”

flora wants to stop her so she immediately use her inner magic!

"Avada Kedavra!" she shout and the magic blow Ginny away.

“Considering that is a killing curse, it did more than just blow her away,” Briar leaned back and nodded his head just a little. “It’s impressive she did an Unforgivable Curse with no training at all, and it truly is impressive. It’s almost as if it’s all bullshit.”

 she was shockd at her magic and how she can do it... she ran to harry and harry told her she must be an magical witch with lots of power thats y she can do magic like that...

“Considering she’s at Hogwarts, even if as a maid, I’d assume she’s a witch,” Asahi sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his hands that he folded together. “You’ve given us absolutely no reason to assume she’s a muggle.”

to be continued...

Chapter 5 -- Flora magicwitch

~ chapter 22 ~ flora is who? ~~~~*

“Simultaneously the fifth and twenty-second chapters. Someone truly does not understand how numbers work,” Briar commented.

“Yeah, but more importantly,” Cherry pointed at the text beside ‘22’, waving at it with emphasis. “It’s finally asking the question we've been wonderin’ from the start! Who the fuck is Flora?”

larry pull flora out and they go talk abt impt stuff.

“First she goes after Harry, then Garry, and now Larry is in her sights,” Briar listed and gave a sympathetic look to the screen. “That poor lad. He’s going to be discarded as soon as a new ‘arry’ shows up.”

“Maybe all the boys should just date each other instead,” Cherry suggested. “Better than datin’ Flora or Ginny.”

"i think u must be wtich..." he whisper in extreme softness.

“There’s nothin’ more sensual than extreme softness,” Cherry rolled her eyes.

flora Looks back with bloooming pink eyes and is surprised

“Oh, great. Her eyes are pink,” Asahi rolled his eyes at the ridiculousness of the color, but soon stopped himself and brought a hand to his face. “Actually, no, I can’t complain. Briar has violet eyes. Thanks, Briar, you took away our ability to complain about weird eye colors.”

Briar looked at him, unsure how to respond. “I’m… sorry?”

"y? she asked" why do you think i Must be witch? she is scared becuz she dont know what is witch... she want to be normal with lal her frenz.

“Considering ya just used magic, a Killin’ Curse, mind you, an are surrounded by witches and wizards, you’d think that being a witch would just be obvious,” Cherry scoffed.

"becuz u use the avade kedgavra spell" he say serious looking... his eyes look at her pink eyes and sparkle with blueness. pink meets blue. everything dark and opposite.

Asahi scrunched up his face as he tried to make any sense of it. “That makes no sense. Is it because pink represents girls and blue stands for boys? But dark and opposite?” He shook his head. “No, still don’t understand whatever it is she’s trying to say.”

"but how can i b which" she say shock "i am muggle born and raised in an orphanage becuz my parents were killed at young age" she said with sad everywhere.

“Obligatory sad backstory?” Briar asked, holding up an imaginary sheet of paper and pen, pretending to check it off. “Check.”

"i am surpise too" harry say thoughting. finally he say "we must talk to my best friendn voldermort. he knows aboutwizards becuz he is also wizard n he is powerfuller"

“Ah yes, time to talk to my best friend who murdered my parents and tried to kill me when I was a baby,” Asahi mocked, shaking his head. “Totally perfectly normal things.”

"ok" say flora "and they set off"

Cherry chuckled to herself before looking over to the others. “I’m just imagining Harry starin’ at her all awkward like after she said, ‘and they set off’, cause seriously! Who verbally narrates what they do and looks normal doing it?”

“At this point he’s just entertaining her, trying to play nice,” Asahi snickered.

to be continued...

Chapter 6 - quest 2 find destiny

pls b nicer i still lerning... if any1 want to b my beta tester plz sms me and i wil let u edit script in here. i will give u lots thanks.

“I’m fairly certain a beta tester is completely different from what you’re talking about. What you’re looking for is a beta reader,” Briar pointed out, not unkindly.

“And let’s be real,” Asahi scoffed. “You’re looking at some real intensive editing.”

~ quest to find turth ~

“First it’s the quest to find her destiny, now it’s the quest for truth,” Asahi rolled his eyes. “Girl really can’t stick to a title.”

so harry and flora walk and walk to a dark cave to look for the darkn lord voldmort and hi girlfrien d hermione in te cave.

“Ya know what?” Cherry started, “Considering Voldemort’s supposed to be all nice and good now, it’s pretty rude to keep callin’ him the ‘Dark Lord’. And why are he and Hermione living out in a cave? They’ve got castles, houses, and civilization!”

“To be fair, the housing marker is murder right now, I don’t blame them for living in a cave if it’s more affordable,” Asahi shrugged.

the cave dark and gloomy and flora ver scared, her brown hair in the wind flip around a lot. suddenly have fire in the cave. flora hair look red because fire relfect in the hair and harry hair look purple

Briar sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “That isn’t how colors work.”

suddenly they go look at the fire turns out it is Draco malboy! his hair look purple also

“So, is Draco now made of fire?” Cherry asked, thinking it over and nodding to herself. “Fitting, considering his name.”

Briar ignored her. “More importantly; that is not how colors work.”

"u again malfoy" said harry angry. he protective of flora. but flora knows draco is not bad boy so she give him candy and draco like her and show her the way.

“Why can’t this make sense?” Asahi complained. “Malfoy’s now able to be bribed with candy? Like a little kid?”

Cherry shrugged,” To be fair, who wouldn’t be bribed by candy?”

they walk and wlak. harry high heels clop on the ground and make loud sounds and draco say 'shhhh potter' so harry dont like mafloy...

“Okay, this is startin’ to become more an more trollish,” Cherry sighed in exasperation. “High heels? In a cave? Talk about impractical. A safety hazard if anything.”

finally in final room they see a giant squid tryin to kill voldmort and hermione! harry try explode the monster but no use... draco use fire on monster but the squid breathe fire also... so flora say "avada Kedarva' again and squib turn into nothing and puff away.

“You know that isn’t how Avada Kedavra works,” Briar began but then paused, reread the line, and shook his head. “My mistake. She’s using Avada Kedarva. A completely different spell.”

'thank u for saving us' said voldemort with happy. 'what can i do to Repay u?'

Asahi groaned, dragging a hand down his face before gesturing angrily at the screen. “I refuse to believe that Voldemort, the former Dark Lord, He Who Shall Not Be Named, the most dangerous wizard out there, had to be saved by a maid!”

“I think it’s better for all of us if we just pretend this is a different man entirely,” Briar suggested. “It’s easier than trying to consolidate the idea of a good Voldemort with the one we know.”

to be confinued...

Chapter 7 - truth abt fllra

pls dont say bad things anymore... im crying now... if u want help tell me where 2 help ok. tell me if u want 2 be betta reader.

Asahi sighed for what felt like the hundredth time, shaking his head in growing frustration. “Just do the work yourself. People have told you what’s wrong with the story; mainly the spelling and grammar is just horrendous,” he said and glared up at the screen. “Don’t be lazy. Do your own work, if you want this story to be well received, put the effort in to make it so.”

~ chapter turth abt flora ~

voldmore look with grateful at flora 'i will do anything u want' he said with sweet voice hermione look shock... but flora didnt ask him to do anything naughtie instead she asked him

Humming, Asahi leaned forward and rested his chin on his hands. “You think the author knows that Voldemort is in his seventies?” he asked the other two, paused, and then grimaced. “Actually, do you think she even cares that she’s putting a seventy-something man in a relationship with a teenager? Cause it’s kind of really gross.”

Cherry groaned, leaning back and covering her face with her hands. “I was tryin’ really hard not to think of that.”

'i want to know about my past' she saids 'why do i noe avada kedavra spell? am i witch' she added very imptly

“Imptly,” Cherry uncovered her face to nod along with the story. “The most stressful of feelin’s. I should know, I’ve been feelin it since comin’ in here.”

voldmod sighed dispapointed and told flora 'u r actually the ddaughter of the immoralts zeus and aprodite... they r actually even greater witchgods than me...

Briar slowly raised his hand, and then moved to point two fingers at the screen. “I have a lot of questions now,” he began. “First; why are they bringing Greek mythology into this? Why is Voldemort being referred to as a ‘witchgod’? And why Zeus and Aphrodite out of everyone in the massive pantheon?”

“I mean, for the last one? I have somewhat of an idea,” Asahi offered, waiting until that violet gaze was on him to continue. “Zeus is King of the Gods for the Greeks. He’s very important. Aphrodite is the Goddess of Love and Beauty, so any writer wanting to emphasize how lovable and beautiful their character is would want her. So, for the sake of ego and vanity; child of Zeus and Aphrodite. No idea about the witchgod thing with Voldemort.”

Cherry smirked a little, shifting in her seat so she could bring her legs up, drawing her knees up to her chest as she thought it over. “It’s a wonder Hera hasn’t made any attempt to kill her yet, then,” she mused. “She isn’t exactly known for being nice to her stepkids.”

 this is y avada kedvar spell is actually have easy for u'' he said

“No,” Asahi shook his head. “That doesn’t explain why she knows the spell at all.”

flora is shocked 'then y am i muggle born? how come i cdont know anything' she cried and stepped behind... harry hold her before she can fall into the hot larva by accidentally with wrong step down...

There was a collective pause, they looked at each other and gestured mutely to the screen a few times, words shared in silence. A few seconds passed and then Cherry broke it.

“Did we miss something?” she asked, waving an arm to the screen. “Where the fuck did the lava come from?”

“I was wondering that too! Did we just gloss over there being lava in this place?” Asahi stood up, walked up to the table that had the letters, separating them from the screen. “Where is the stupid rewind button, I want to know if it even mentioned lava and we just missed it.”

Before he could actually climb over the table, Briar got up and pulled him back. His grip on his arm was tight, but not painful, just firm enough that Asahi wouldn’t be able to break free as he was pulled back to the seats. “Look, the lava isn’t that important,” the Huntsman said, forcing Asahi to sit back down. “Let’s just continue moving forward so we can finish this story.”

'walk with careful flora' said harry warning... flora say 'ok' and turn back to voldmort "y...'

"when zeus and aprodite were young they were killed by my evil clone thanatos' said volmortd sad sad 'he want to take over world so he kill zeus and aphrodite so u r now orphan and put in orphange to become muggle born' he added sad sad.

Finally getting Asahi to settle back down in his seat and letting go, Briar turned to the screen and furrowed his brows. “There are so many things with that one, I don’t even know where to start.”

Cherry sighed, gripping her pigtails and tugging on them again, “Someone really doesn’t get how this works. Ya can’t just ‘become’ a muggle, muggle-born, whatever. Especially not if your parents are gods. Muggles an’ all that is a race thing, not a lifestyle,” she said, and then tugged harder on her own hair.

For a moment, the guys were worried she was going to pull her own hair out, and if she did, Asahi didn’t have the slightest idea what to do if that happened.

Thankfully, her grip loosened before blood could splatter, but the frustration didn’t leave her face. “Second; Thanatos isn’t evil. Just cause he’s a Death God doesn’t make him bad,” she let go of her hair completely to lean forward in her seat. “Last? Way to fuckin’ steal Harry’s backstory. Couldn’t go with ‘left with relatives’ so ya dropped her off in an orphanage, but still, ya couldn’t be original, could ya?”

flora sink to knee level and everything went dark.. she was sad.

“Being sad is kind of an understatement,” Asahi pointed out. “I think she’d feel more than just sad in that position.”

to be continued...

Chapter 8 - the REAL truth1!

“So has everything we read up until now just been a lie?” Briar asked with a raised brow as he crossed his legs. “To be honest, there are some things I really wouldn’t mind having been a lie in this story.”

“Same,” Cherry agreed, “Namely the witchgods.”

pls dont b rude... it make me very sad if u curse me to die... its not very nice... if u dont like then just tell me... i will stop and go away ok i noe u all mad at me...

Sighing, Briar ran a hand through his hair and looked down. “Well, she has me feeling guilty for my actions and words,” he admitted. “I suppose it’s easy to forget she’s just a human with feelings and thoughts when all we’ve done was read words on a screen.”

Asahi reached over to grab him by the shoulders and give a hard shake. “Don’t let her trap you in guilt. Don’t fall for it.”

~chapter the REAL truth~

fiona is alone at home...

As Asahi and Briar debated the moral conflict of what they were doing, Cherry just focused on the story, tilted her head, and gave a hum.

“Fiona? Spellin’ error or new character?” she asked no one in particular. “I’m hoping it’s a new character. I’d like for it to be Princess Fiona, cause Shrek is Life. But I don’t want her character to be sent through a meat grinder if she shows up. Besides, there’s like a nine-in-ten chance this is just Flora, somehow misspelled.”

She paused, looked back at the guys. They were still arguing over whether to feel guilty or not for the insults and cruelty. “You two aren’t even listenin’, are ya?” she asked and rolled her eyes when they did not respond.

But soon she was smirking. If they weren’t going to pay attention willingly, then she’d just have to make them.

Pulling a rubber band from one of her pigtails, she let the hair come free as she did a finger gun and situated the band on her thumb, aiming with the forefinger. Pulling tight, she smirked, took in one deep breath, and let the band go flying.

“Ow! What the hell?”

It struck its mark on Asahi’s neck.

Both men looked to her, and Cherry held up her hands innocently, still smiling like the cat who got the cream, “You weren’t payin’ attention,” she defended herself against Asahi’s glare and Briar’s questioning gaze. “Had to get your attention somehow.”

Grumbling, Asahi turned to look at the screen and rub at the red mark on his neck. “Next time just tap us or something,” he muttered.

she sit on the window legde thinking about her life... hwo can she be witchgod? she cannot be. she have grow old and all... witch cannot grow old right? so she cannot be iwitch...

Briar gave Asahi a fleeting, sympathetic look before glancing back at the story, narrowing his eyes as he thought things over. “I don’t quite know how things work here. But back home, with the right spells, a mage can slow their aging down substantially. It’s not an immortality spell, and they will grow old, but it takes much longer.”

“Harry Potter wizards grow old, too. They just live a few decades longer,” Cherry added.

just then she hear someone high hells clip clip clop on theh ground outside her rom. she open the door and see harry!

Asahi felt his shoulders sag in defeat. “They’re never going to explain why he’s wearing high heels, are they?”

“Do they need to?” Cherry asked. “If he wants to wear heels, let him. Doesn’t need to be a reason.”

"hello flora i know u must be here" he say pheasantly. flora smile a bit sadly but she dont know what to say. finally she determine that she want to know the truth.

"i think voldmort jmust be lying" she say strong.

“Look, if you’re that upset about it, just take a blood test or something,” Asahi sighed. “Or just accept that there’s something weird and move on with your life.”

Briar nodded. “Sometimes it’s okay to not have answers. You don’t always need to know everything, especially not if it stresses you out like this.”

“But then where is the drama?” Cherry countered. “There’s got to be drama or it ain’t fun.”

harry figdet nervous... "why would he lie?"

"there is no such thing as zeus and aprodite' she say angry. 'you must be lying together with vold mort because u dont want me to know te truth'

“Careful, Flora,” Briar warned. “He’s still the prince-slash-headmaster, an heir. You don’t want to anger the one who can fire you and worse.”

“What’s even worse than firing?” Asahi asked.

Briar stared at him with a hard, hollow look. “A lot.”

'then what is the truth!' harry shout back with nasty in the air.

Cherry grimaced. “Dontcha just hate it when the nasty gets in the air? Really ruins your day.”

flora say

'i remember now... ia am actually daughter of dumbledora and mcgonnagal." she say. she can finally remember her mother and father golden hairs.

The theater filled with laughter as Asahi doubled over, his shoulders shaking, his back trembling as he cackled. “Dumbledore and McGonagall? Dumbledore and McGonagall?” he asked, looking up to wipe a tear away from his eye. “Please tell me, when was this fic made? Before or after her attempted retcon?”

Cherry hummed and thought over, “Pretty sure after.”

That only made Asahi laugh harder. “So she was well aware that Dumbledore is gay, yet she still had him get together with McGonagall? Man, that’s hilarious,” he cackled. “And she used Minerva McGonagall as Aphrodite? Minerva? The woman named after Athena, a Goddess who did not like Aphrodite?”

He wheezed, and Briar reached over to pat his back as he began choking on air.

to be continue...

Chapter 9 THE QUEST LEGECY

ooo the quest for legacy ooo

the next day flora decide to set off for finding out past. she want to find her mom and dad dumblodorr and mcgonnald in the desert becuz she can feel that they are there

Asahi was still struggling with his laughter, and Briar was still rubbing his back to help him calm down, but he looked up at the screen and quirked an eyebrow. “I can see why some people would love to be able to magically know where their parents were. Not for me, but I know some would want that power.”

“I’d have loved it as a tyke,” Cherry shrugged. “Not so much now.”

"how r u so sure" say harry

"becuz i can feel them, i am there daughter" she smile happy

“That’s…” Asahi struggled, still wheezing for breath. “That’s not how blood ties work…”

finally when they reach the desert there r huge bunch of thugs... harry immedately protect flora

"run away flora" said happy with his huge wand sword ready in front of him "i will hold them off"

Briar frowned. “A wand-sword? I am intrigued.”

“Is it a itty-bitty, wand sized sword?” Cherry asked. “Or is it a long, long, sword-lengthed wand?”

"no marry" she gasp

“The newest addition to the ‘arry’ squad, welcome,” Asahi, having recovered from his fit, clapped. “But honestly, with how many times Potter’s name has been forgotten, I’m surprised he’s not offended.”

the thug slash at harpy and harryn dodged... another thug grab flora and smerk at her with a laughing face

“Huh,” Cherry hummed. “A laughin’ face is a weapon now… Asahi, next time you have a have a laughin’ fit, direct it at yer enemies. You can beat people up with it, apparently.”

He chuckled and nodded, “I’ll keep it in mind.”

"hell pretty little girl" he say with a smile...

"dont touch her shes my girflriend!" harry scream but the other thug kick him in his tummy...

Asahi rolled his eyes, “Oh, no, not the tum-tum,” he snarked. “Man’s one weakness!”

“Good thing I am no man,” Cherry smirked and jabbed a thumb at herself. “I’m immune to the tum-tums.”

what can flora do?

“Probably nothing useful,” Cherry said as the last of the text went by.

The lights came back on, slow enough for their eyes to adjust. The three sat there, leaned back in their chairs, snacks gone and all of them mentally exhausted from this ride. They sat for a solid moment in the silence before Cherry raised her head to speak up.

“So, final thoughts?”

Asahi frowned, groaning, his head practically overflowing with more thoughts than he could keep track of. He raised his hand. “Let’s see… the grammar is horrible, as is the spelling. There seems to be absolutely no understanding of how Hogwarts, of the Harry Potter universe for that matter, works. You’re left to assume this is an AU, but then she does things that makes you think it’s supposed to be set in the canon world, which just makes it worse,” he paused, just trying to sort out the many, many sins this story committed was a struggle. “Stupidity in relationships, characters just being butchered, inability to write a simple name such as ‘Harry’ right, and so many more.”

He stopped, sighed, and looked at the others. “Is it bad that I know this is hardly the worst?

Cherry shuddered at the idea of being put through something worse, and he swore he saw Briar pale.

“At least we can agree this one was bad?” the supposed Huntsman asked, Both Briar and Cherry nodded to that. “At least it was short.”

With that, he got up from his seat, adjusting the cuffs off his gloves and stretching, the joints popping audibly. After a few moments, he lowered his arms and turned to the others. “Well, see you guys next week?”

Asahi raised a brow as he and Cherry looked at one another and then at the man.

“You wanna do this again?” Cherry asked.

“It wasn’t the worst thing out there, I’m sure we’ve all gone through something worse than a bad story,” he answered and gave a soft shrug. “We get food and some coin, and I do have free time.”

With that, he said his goodbye and headed out, disappearing through the doorway as it loudly shut behind him.

Asahi frowned. Did he want to go through this again? Sit in a theater with two people he didn’t know? He had plenty of free time, yes. But he had a meticulous schedule to keep to, too. Asahi was very particular about making sure to spend as much of his time as possible with Mitsuru, and spending time here cut into time with her.

But, he had to admit, Briar had a point. It wasn’t that bad. A couple of hours once or twice a week, some free food, and they get paid. That was money he could spend towards Mitsuru. And, well, he was a bit curious about this whole multiverse thing.

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to come back, at least for a little bit. It wasn’t as if he was contractually obligated to keep coming back.

“Well, see ya next week,” Cherry said, patting him on the shoulder as she passed, making her choice clear for him as she also left.

Asahi sighed, a small hint of a smile starting to show. “See you next week,” He agreed.

#Harry Potter #Fanfiction #MST3k Style Riffing #MST

[thetheatermst]

Fuck’s High School Pt. 1

Dodge, circle, backstab, backstep.

Dodge, circle, block, circle, backstep.

Block, backstep, backstep, stab.

Backstep, backstep, roll.

Dodge, circle, backstab., backstep.

Cherry’s gaze stayed fixated on the Switch on her lap as her avatar danced around the arena, carefully dodging attacks and striking back whenever the opening arose as she engaged in the life-or-death struggle against Knight Artorias.

The lights of the theater were on and at full brightness, but the theater itself was silent save for the soft click-clack of her button pressing, and the even quieter sound of the synthetic rubber wheels of her skateboard running back and forth across the carpet as she rested her feet on the back and shifted the board back and forth.

She was the only one present.

Unsurprising, she had arrived incredibly early.

Not that she was going to blame herself for it. She needed to get out of the house. Get away from the yelling, the screaming, all the blame and accusations being thrown back and forth. She needed an escape.

Usually, that meant going to the almost-always-dead skatepark, and just skating until the sun went down, possibly even well into the night. She’d call Luka and see what he or his sisters were up to, maybe even see if she could spend the night as his place if it meant she didn’t go back home. She’d even offer to come to the stupid pizzeria, take extra shifts on her day off walking around in an equally stupid fur suit to entertain screaming, rabid children if she had to.

Usually.

This was the first time in a while she had a new option of escape.

Three days ago she had received a letter in the mail. A blank, white envelope, no postage, no return address, but her name written clearly on the front. It was the same as the week before, when she received her invitation to the theater. Just like before, she had snuck it to her room and read it in private.

Within had been three one-hundred-dollar bills, and a letter thanking her for participating in the previous experiment, confirming that the money was her payment for enduring Harry’s Destiny, while also stating the directions and time for the next session if she wished to continue.

The address was the same. The first time she had thought she was being pranked by someone, as the address took her to a tiny office building that had been for sale for the better part of two years. Now she knew that the building front didn’t match the interior. Probably some magic shit, Cherry didn’t want to think too hard on it. Weird shit was normal in Arcadia.

This time, when the yelling and arguing started and the house became unbearable, Cherry had grabbed her bag, grabbed her board, and left. This time, instead of going to the skatepark, she found herself in front of the entryway to the dreaded theater almost three hours earlier than scheduled.

With nothing better to do, and no desire to go back, Cherry had gone in.

The theater itself was much the same since she had last been. The spilt snacks had been cleaned up, trash had been emptied, and the scents wafting from the concessions stand smelled as fresh as could be.

Turning her phone on silent, she had marched through the double doors leading into the heart of the theater, went down the gentle sloped walkway until she found her same seat as before, plopped down, taking note of the table and letter waiting for them as she pulled her Nintendo Switch from her bag and booted up her game.

For the past three hours she had stayed rooted in place, waiting for the others to arrive as she struggled to beat the Artorias of the Abyss DLC. Emphasis on 'struggled'.

As her avatar rose from the bonfire, she put the game down for a moment to check the time. It was just a minute before four. The others should be arriving soon.

Should.

As much as Cherry tried to ignore it, there had been a little voice gnawing away in the back of her head, telling her that the other two might not arrive.

There was nothing compelling them to come back. Yes, money was nice, but money wasn’t always enough to motivate people to do something. Harry’s Destiny had been bad, and if suspicion was right, the stories would only get worse. The others might not want to subject themselves to that kind of insanity, they might have decided they have better things to do.

They had lives, after all. Probably less stressful and more meaningful lives. They might not even have the time to come, even if they wanted to.

Cherry bit the inside of her cheek as her character ran to the arena. She’d give them fifteen minutes. If they didn’t arrive by then, even though she liked being separated from the world and her problems while here, she’d pack her things up and leave. Go back to her own world, find a different means of escape. That seemed fair, right? Gave them plenty of time to show up if they were running late, and her plenty of time to procrastinate leaving when they ultimately did not. She winced as her avatar flew through the air and disappeared in a shimmer of light. At least she was

It wasn’t like Cherry would blame Asahi or Briar if either of them decided to bail. Sure, they all did sorta agree to come back at the end of the last session, but it wasn’t a binding contract or anything, they could easily have changed their minds over the course of the week or had something else that came up that took priority. She darted past the travelling the Marvelous Chester on her way back to the boss arena, rolling her eyes at his cryptic laughter.

It didn’t matter, anyway. It wasn’t as if they really knew each other, so there weren’t any hard feelings if one decided to not do this again and never see the others again. Still, Cherry couldn’t deny that she did enjoy the company the last session, and it would sting a little if she never got to hang out with the two again. She paused outside of the fog gate to think it over. This didn’t really constitute as ‘hanging out’, it was more like they were all coworkers at a side job. Still, she may only have known them for a handful of hours, but she liked them. They were both interesting and different and fun to banter with.

Maybe that feeling was entirely one-sided. Maybe the two of them didn’t share that soft kinship and instead found her annoying and irritating to be around. Maybe she just wasn’t likable to them, and that they were going “Yeah, if Cherry’s there then I don’t want to go.” It wouldn’t be the first time something like that happened, but that didn’t mean it’d hurt any less. Sure, she had a few people in Arcadia who liked her, genuinely liked being around her, but most of her peers just didn’t like being around her for various reasons, be it how she dressed, how she spoke, or how she acted. It was funny that these two guys who were virtually strangers not liking her would be a blow to her confidence in the same way a science partner not liking her would.

She took in a deep breath as her avatar got skewered on the end of Artorias’ greatsword and died yet again, respawning at the bonfire.

Even if they didn’t show, she could probably still stay. Their unseen host never mentioned a minimum participant requirement in the two letters. It wouldn’t be quite as much fun—it wouldn’t be fun at all on her own, if she was being honest. The only reason the last story had been endurable was because she had Asahi and Briar with her helping take the edge off, providing someone to complain to and banter with regarding the story. If she was on her own reading them then Cherry would end up making for a poor reactor, just screaming and yelling and groaning, before ultimately clawing out her own eyeballs. No one wanted that.

As she neared the fog wall once more, Cherry opened her inventory and began swapping out pieces of equipment. Increased mobility was a solid strategy, she was better off dodging his attacks than trying to block. He took way too much stamina off whenever she blocked. She guided her avatar through the fog door once more.

Ultimately it came down to which would be more miserable; soloing whatever awful story was to be thrown their way today, or returning to her world. Logically, the story was probably worse. But she didn’t want to go home.

If she did, maybe she’d be lucky and there would be a villain attack. They were often more a nuisance than a threat, but they offered a good distraction.

Maybe she could call Luka and see if he could talk his dad into an attack.

No, best not to. Then the town would just end up being dragged into another bitter fight between exes, cause if Matcha decided to cause trouble than Sasha’s mom would get involved to stop him. Then Sasha would be upset because mommy and daddy are fighting¸ and Cherry liked the kid too much to want to see her upset, and then she wouldn’t be able to hang out with Luka either because he would end up spending the rest of the day with Sasha to try and distract his baby sister from her parents’ latest Hero and Villain fight, and possibly have to have the sit-down convo of why their dad was currently in jail and wouldn’t be out in time for dinner.

It was just a big, dramatic, complicated mess that Cherry didn’t actually want to instigate.

So, villain attacks were off the table. Her options were still to just stay here for a few hours or find something to distract herself with back in her own world. This time she was caught by an area of effect blast as the fallen knight buffed his attack damage.

“Fuck,” she muttered as she respawned. “Should have seen that one coming.” She had been too overzealous in her attacks and had gotten caught in an attack animation when he started charging, leaving her unable to get out of the way in time. Cherry guided her avatar back to the boss arena to engage in battle again, but this time she was caught by a spinning slash, being stunned by the first strike and leaving her open to be finished off by the second. Her avatar collapsed and dissolved, respawning at the bonfire once more.

She had lost count of just how many times she had died to this one, and if she was having this much trouble against Artorias, she both dreaded and looked forward to the challenge Manus would provide. But she could feel in her gut that she almost had him.

Once again, Cherry stepped through the fog gate. “This time, for sure,” she muttered, dodging a vicious charging attack. Her fingers rapidly tapped away, pressing buttons and nudging the triggers. She was falling into The Zone, now, dodging away and darting in for an attack or two before backing off before she could get hit or trap herself in an animation and leave herself vulnerable to attacks. She skirted around, getting behind him and striking, rolling away just as fast. Artorias attempted to power up, and Cherry managed to knock him out of the animation, preventing the attack buff.

Her mouth was set into a hard line, her feet, still planted on the skateboard below, had fallen still, as if the gentle, comforting rocking motion would break her out of concentration. She could feel her palms getting sweaty as she took a hit from Artorias, but she was able to back off enough to heal.

Dodge.

Dash.

Swing, swing.

Dodge.

Dash.

Swing

Dodge.

Cherry swallowed thickly as she narrowly dodged another strike, trying her best not to look at his health bar, trying to focus only on the fight itself. The music, though playing softly from the one earbud she had in, felt deafening in its epic orchestral glory as the fight continued on. Artorias came at her with wild, amazing attacks, and she dodged and dashed and struck at every opening she got. Dodge, circle around when he came in with the somersault slams and strike again.

She took in a shaking breath as she evaded the abyssal sludge and an overhead slash, continuing to dodge around and around, backing off and staying as out of reach, coming in for only one strike instead of two, careful to not be too greedy. She didn’t need to be fast, just chip away what she could and stay out of his attack range.

Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest as she dodged the spinning attack, and then again for a leaping attack. Dodge, dodge, strike. Dodge, dodge, swing. Be careful, be cautious, take her time. She swallowed hard again when she got hit with the sludge, she managed to barely avoid another attack, backing off to heal, using the last of her flask.

It was a careful dance around the arena, the orchestral swell leaving her more on edge with each attack as she worked, spending more time dodging. She couldn’t afford to be hit now that she was out of heals.

Dodge, dash, dodge, dash, swing, swing.

After what had felt like an eternity, as she struck the knight with her sword one final time, the abyssal knight Artorias siezed up and fell to one knee, and then to the ground. His body dissolved and Cherry dropped the switch onto the empty seat beside her

“Get fucked, Artorias!” she shouted, pumping her fist, leaping to her feet.

Something clattered behind her. “Wh-huh-the fuck?” was shouted equally loud, followed by a softer chuckle.

Cherry whirled around, staring wide-eyed at the two who had been standing behind her. Or rather, Briar was standing, watching her in amusement. Asahi was pulling himself back to his feet after possibly stumbling back and probably tripping over the other chairs. He stared at her like an offended old lady.

She felt her cheeks heating up, “How long have you two been there?” she demanded.

Briar gave a lazy roll of his shoulders, “For at least ten minutes,” he answered, walking around the rows so he could take a seat beside her. Asahi grumbled and did the same, seating himself on her other side.

Face still red, Cherry quickly exited the game and slipped the switch back into her bag. She could recover his soul and visit his grave later. “Why didn’t either of ya say anything?” she demanded after zipping her bag shut, the heat leaving her face. “I coulda stopped at any time an’ then we coulda just gotten this over an’ done with.”

“You were pretty invested in the game,” Asahi answered with a flippant wave of his hand. “Neither of us wanted to distract you, and Briar here was confused by what you had and wanted to see what would happen.”

Her gaze turned to the Huntsman, who had held his hands up in the air, “Your…characters… looked very reminiscent to the people of my world. I was curious as to how it would play out,” he confessed, and Cherry nodded, thinking it made sense. Then her gaze dropped lower, and her brows furrowed in confusion. “The knight you were fighting—Artorias, I think the name said? His style of fighting was intriguing. I’d like the chance to try it myself—the fighting style, not the game—and see how effective it is,” …he?... continued.

Cherry looked to Asahi, and wordlessly nodded to Briar, the silent question on her tongue. Asahi’s cheeks flushed a faint red and he shrugged, mouthing ‘I don’t know’ to her as Briar continued to speak.

She turned back to the Huntsman, “Well!” she said with a higher pitch than she meant. “After this story, I can let you see a few clips of his attacks, that way you can try it out for yourself,” she offered, trying really hard not to look at the Huntsman’s chest. “Or… next week you can bring a sword and try it out in here?”

Briar smiled softly and nodded, “That sounds like a wonderful idea,” even now their voice was soft and quiet, not quite masculine, not quite feminine, but simultaneously both. A moment passed and Briar’s features twisted into slight confusion. “Are you two alright? You’ve been looking at me rather oddly.”

Of course, it shouldn’t have been a surprise that the Huntsman would notice.

“Well, it’s just,” Asahi began, the blush darkening as he scratched his neck and looked anywhere but at Briar. “You’ve got… we’re just a bit thrown off by your…” he was having a real struggle getting the words out, as if it were something embarrassing to say.

Cherry was confused, but not embarrassed. “You have boobs,” she said plainly, pointing at his visible rack. It wasn’t especially big, a little smaller than average, but it was still blatantly there. “You didn’t have boobs last week, and now you do.” If she was being honest, the closer she looked at him, the more feminine his features were. His face a little rounder, his figure subtely different, his hips a little wider, his waist a little slimmer.

Jarring didn’t even begin to explain it.

Briar looked down at himself, then back at them, and shrugged. “Well, as I had said before, I was a man last week. Today I am a woman,” he—she???—said as if that explained it all. When it very clearly did not, she continued. “My soul does not always feel as if it matches my body. Some days my soul feels more feminine than the masculinity of my body, or vice-versa. Sometimes It feels as if it is neither.”

There was a pause, and then she looked away, a small, sad smile gracing her features. “I don’t know if you can understand the visceral discomfort of having a body that does not match what you know you are, but it is a miserable experience,” she said that tired smile before shaking her head and letting it fall. “When I was younger I would wear dresses or trousers to try and ease the pain. I’ve since graduated from that and use magic to change my body to match.”

She looked at the two, her expression having been trained back to that warm neutrality as silence hung in the air.

After what felt like an eternity, Cherry opened her mouth to speak, but Asahi had surprisingly beat her to it. “We have something like that in my world,” he said slowly. “Sans the magic, of course. It’s called being genderfluid, where an individual is sometimes a man, sometimes a woman, and sometimes something in between.”

“Same,” Cherry agreed, nodding her head along, “Pretty normal stuff from where I’m from. Minus the magically changin’ your body part. That’s pretty cool though, not to mention super convenient.”

With a soft chuckle, Briar smiled, “It’s convenient,” she echoed, “It brings its own set of problems, I’d be a liar if I said it did not, but I would say they are well worth it.”

With that said, another strange silence hung over them. Not so much an awkward one, but more the type of silence where no one was willing to make the first move. Knowing they were only delaying the inevitable, their gazes had moved to the table waiting innocently in front of them, and to the unmarked letter presented so nicely.

Now that they were all here, Cherry would have much rather ignore the letter and just spend the next couple of hours chatting with Asahi and Briar. She wanted to hear them talk of their worlds and their lives, and what sorts of things they did. Not read an awful story. But who knew what would happen if they ignored the letter, ignored whatever instructions they were given for the session?

They might even get kicked out, and then Cherry would lose this new escape.

It was too early into this to start causing that sort of trouble, anyway.

But once again as she began to rise from her seat to retrieve it, someone else beat her to the punch.

Briar stood, and with quick strides on her long legs, she had snatched the letter from the table and cut it open with the tip of her knife. The envelope fell harmlessly back to the table as she unfolded the paper inside, eyes scanning the text first before she read the contents out loud.

Welcome back, dear friends. If you are reading this letter, then it greatly warms my heart to know you have decided to continue with this experiment. I cannot thank the three of you enough for participating.

Asahi scoffed.

While the last story was just a small dip in the vast ocean that is stories to read, it was still a struggle to read. I regret to inform you, however, that today’s story will be even worse. Harry’s Destiny was but a trial run, and now we shall truly delve into the madness that is this genre of storytelling, Today you will be diving into the twilight, for the story I’ve given you is a Twilight fanfiction from 2010 by TwilightRova; The Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin.

Groaning, Cherry leaned back and sank deeper into her seat, “Twilight? They’re sendin’ us freakin’ Twlight?” she demanded and shuddered. “I’d rather spend another three hours battelin’ it out with Artorias than read a Twilight fic! The books weren’t even that great! Edward was a total creep, an they did the Quileute tribe dirty by makin’ members imprint on babies and toddlers. I never even liked Jacob, an then they had to go ‘oh I only ever loved Bella cause I loved the egg inside her that woulda been Nessie!’”

Asahi rolled his eyes. “By that logic, he should have also been in love with Cullen,” he added. “His seed was essentially frozen in time inside of him until the warm ocean water somehow made him capable of procreating… which is absolute bullshit. But Black should have had the same uncomfortable obsession with Cullen as he did with Swan if it really was that.”

“Exactly! But everythin’ about it was bullshit!”

Briar frowned, looking between the two with clear uncertainty, “I’m sorry,” she began slowly, “Characters were falling in love with…babies?” she said it in a way that she clearly didn’t believe, but a moment later she blinked, then scrunched up her face in clear discomfort—and Cherry understood the mind magic that happened. “Not going to get used to that,” she muttered, shaking her head as Cherry assumed the Renesmee plotline just got downloaded into her brain.

Clearing her throat to get things back on track, the Huntsman turned her attention back to the letter.

Unlike the last story, I must warn you three, and the audience watching, that not only will this story be drastically longer, but it contains subject matter that may be upsetting to viewers. While there is nothing terribly explicit, there are numerous mentions of sexual assault, and the overall handling of such a terrible subject matter is… crass at best, and downright offensive at its worse. I would not blame any of you for falling to the throes of rage while reading this.

Because of the subject matter and the full galling nature of this story, we can consider this a true test of your resolve. I, again, would not blame any of you if you chose to not return after this story.

But for now, I thank you for participating.

Cherry grimaced, “Sexual assault, huh?” she said slowly, feeling her skin crawl. “I dunno, I’m not really lookin’ forward to what this might all be about if it’s gonna have that. But on the other hand, I’ve got this morbid curiosity to see if our host is just exaggerating or not.”

Folding the letter up, Briar placed it back on the table, “Well, we’re already here, and while I cannot say I’m thrilled to read a story about that sort of crime, we might as well get it over with quickly.”

Asahi ran a hand down his face, giving a long, suffering sigh before he rose to his feet. “Well, since we’re stuck with a long one, I’ll grab some snacks. What would you guys like”

“Popcorn!” Cherry called out just as Briar requested for meat.

A few minutes passed before he returned, struggling to carry all the drinks and treats and to disperse them. But once everything had settled, and Asahi was in his seat again did the lights begin to dim and the screen began to glow. The second theater session had begun once the dark text began scrolling.

The Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin! REMASTRED!

AN: This is the remastered version of my previous opening which I had to remove because it was getting too much negative criticism. You can find the old version on my DeviantArt BUT THIS ISNT ADVERTISING SO DON'T GO THERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO!

Briar nodded her head, “I appreciate that you’re emphasizing that we’re not required to go check it out if we don’t want to,” she said slowly. “But I don’t think that this will do any better in adverting the negative criticism.”

“Though, you have to wonder,” Asahi began, already scowling at the story. “If this is the remastered version, how much worse was the original?”

“Don’t even wanna think ‘bout it,” Cherry shuddered.

Hello! My name is Rebecca Swansin and I have butt-length Raven hair with golden streaks laden throughout it.

Cherry frowned and took a handful of popcorn, “I dunno if ya know this, but ‘laden’ doesn’t mean what ya think it does.” Pausing to think as she chewed and swallowed the popcorn, she shrugged, “I mean, unless her hair is actually weighed down by the golden streaks.”

My cousin's name is Bella Swan and I came here to Forks (where I live) in order to live with her and her her.

“Are we to assume there are three Swan's?” Asahi asked.

Cherry smirked, rising to stand, leaving her snacks on the empty seat to her right as she began pointing to various places. “An you get a Bella! An you get a Bella! You all get Bellas!” she shouted, doing her best to impersonate Oprah before sitting back down.

My friends called me moon in the original versino but they don't do that here because i realized that the moon isn't very pretty so there.

Briar frowned, “I’m sorry, what?” she asked.

“Her name was originally Moon, but she changed it to Rebecca cause Moon is a dumb name, and Becca is just similar enough to Bella,” Cherry explained. “Come on, Briar, get with the program!”

 Anyways I am a seventeen year old straite A student at Fucks high school in Washingtons.

Asahi coughed to mask his laugh as Cherry snorted. “Ah, yes,” she said, voice cracking as she tried not to laugh. “Fuck's High School. Land of the wild parties. Sounds like a school I’d love ta go to.”

 I only came to forks to get away from my abusive family who would lock myself outside in thunderstorms which is why i don't mind the rain here in forks so much unlike Bella that slut.

Rolling his eyes, Asahi began tugging on the lid to his cotton candy, “Sure is nice to see how much you love your cousin,” he said, but frowned when the lid wouldn’t give. He tried a few more times before groaning and holding it out to Briar, who thankfully said nothing as she effortlessly popped the lid off.

Bella's a bitch who thinks she's way prettier than she really is and totally used this guy called Edward for nothing but sex and she wears her hair in screwed up german ponytales and people think she looks ugly with them.

“Well, to be fair, Bella was pretty determined to fuck ‘im in the books,” Cherry mused. “Edward kept insisting they waited until they got married.”

“As problematic as he is, he was a true gentleman in that regard,” Briar nodded.

Now that you know about my we can talk about my day.

“And yet we barely know you,” Asahi countered and groaned. “I’m getting Flora Fastasa Serenity vibes in how little we know. I swear, if it turns out this chick is a demigod, too, I’m tearing the screens.”

 I get up from my bed when I wake up

“As opposed to us who stay in bed for an extra hour after wakin’ up cause we don’t have the will to move,” Cherry said.

 and then I get dressed so that ugly perverts like Billy Blake can't see my breasts.

Briar frowned, “What do you have against Billy?” she asked. “He’s not that bad of a character.”

“Oh, no,” Asahi groaned. “Please. Don’t let her be a racist.”

I looked outside and thought that there was going to be a thunderstorm soon so I went without makeup and then just got into my usual school cloths because that's our uniform.

“The Forks high school is a public school… but who knows, Fuck's High could very well be private. They’ve gotta make a crapton of money to be able to pay off the lawsuits for the name,” Cherry said, getting another chuckle over the name.

It's sorta like a catholic girl uniform except we get to use pink and don't look like 90-year old peaches.

Asahi shrugged. “School uniforms make you look professional and responsible. They don’t make you look like old peaches,” he said and shrugged. “I still have my middle school uniform. Apparently I still look like I would fit right in when I wear it.”

“To be fair, Japanese school uniforms are a different breed than whatever she’s thinking,” Cherry pointed out. “People fetishize the hell out of them,” she added, earning a disgusted grimace from Asahi.

“The only school I went to, all the students wore a long, gray gown, regardless of gender,” Briar spoke up. “I’m sure any uniform from this time period is far more fashionable than Couesias’ gowns.”

Then I made a poptart for breakfast which I did by using it on the microwave because bella broke our fucking toaster when she tried to electrocute the dog last month, that fucking bitch.

Humming, Cherry reached across her popcorn to get her water, “That’s one way to set in stone how bad of a person Bella is supposed to be in this,” she said before taking a drink.

“It’s clearly the third Swan,” Asahi huffed. “That one is an absolute psychopath.”

Anyways I had got to the bathroom when Bella wouldn't get out because she was so busy taking a dump that I didn't have any goddamn time to take my own.

"BELLA GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM I NEED TO USE IT" I screamed.

"NO YOU BITCH FUCK YOU" she screamed right back at me.

“At least let her finish using the toilet first,” Briar frowned.

“Yeah!” Cherry yelled. “Talk about being rude!”

"Seriously? Don't cross me. I'll get Chardley on your ass" i told her while snapping my fingers like a sassy girl.

“I doubt he would take your side over his own daughter,” Asahi said and shrugged, “But, what do I know. I’m not a fanfiction sociopath.”

"So what!? I hate him anyways!" she screamed again and again and at that point I gave up andleft the hose for school. I was fuerius so I was done with her drama and shit.

Cherry took a deep breath, curling her fingers as if wanting to grip something and pull, ideally a throat. “You started the drama,” she said between clenched teeth. “You wouldn’t let her finish takin’ a shit!”

I kicked her fucking ugly truck on the way out because i'm an enviurmentalist and she took the muffler off that thing so FUCK IT.

“Yeah, no, the truck is fairly ugly,” Asahi agreed.

As I walked to school I saw the mega fucking hawt guy Jacub across the street. Jacub and I were friends when I first got into Fucks and he goes to school at an indian restarant.

“Huh,” Asahi stretched a little as he spoke. “I guess Indian restaurants double as schools now. Good to know, good to know.”

“Wonder if I can get some math tutoring if I go there to eat,” Cherry added.

Jacub wavved and I waved back to him. I was weery because ever since he became a werewolf he became a furry and wile I dont driscicate against that shit it doedn't mean that I'm not creeped out.

“Not gonna give us an explanation for why you know ‘bout the werewolves?” Cherry asked, and when no response came, she shrugged. “Didn’t think so. But more power to the furries. They’re pretty cool people.”

“What’s a furry?” Briar asked. No one responded, and she frowned, looking from Asahi to Cherry and back again. It was obvious the silence was intentional given by how they refused to meet her gaze. “Guys, what’s a furry?”

 So I didn't cross the street. I wouldve driven my poursch but it got stolen so dammit.

Breaking silence just to groan, Asahi sank in his seat. “Of course you drive a Porsche. Do you even know how expensive those things cost?” he asked and shook his head. “I’m glad it got stolen. You don’t deserve a luxury car.”

Cherry, on the other hand, pointed an accusing finger at the screen. “You drive a car! You are a sham of an environmentalist!” she yelled. “If you really cared about the gas emissions, you wouldn’t drive at all!”

It was soooo Early when I got to school. I saw Edowerd this guy who I have this mega fucking crush on just stitting on his audi shitless.

“Hm, I suppose it’s better to be sitting on his Audi shitless than to be sitting on it in a pile of shit,” Briar said.

“This whole thing is wrong,” Asahi growled, nearly knocking his drink to the floor as he jostled in his seat. “Cullen doesn’t drive an Audi. Everyone knows the man is horny for Volvos.”

He didnt have abes but his skin sparkled in the sunlite because of this scret... Edward is a Vampire! He sparkles and shit and drink blood and the other cullins are vamps too but I keep their secret as does Bella.

“Just like with the werewolves, ya refuse to tell us at all how ya found any of this out,” Cherry complained. “Bella at least figured it out on her own, piecing it together bit by bit from every little weird quirk the Cullens had. But you just know.”

Asahi shook his head. “I hate the ‘knows for the sake of knowing’ cliche.”

Edward wasn't the only one there Rossey and Bennett were being preppy and doing homework in the car and Jaspor and Alicia were playing hopskitch and shit.

“I’m guessing these are extended family to the Cullens,” Briar suggested as she shifted in her seat, adjusting the dagger at her hip so that it wasn’t quite as uncomfortable. “Would explain a lot going forward.”

 Their parents are Clarlisle and Esme (WHO IS A MEGdA FUCKING BITCH!)

“She got one name spelt right,” Asahi said, though it didn’t feel like a victory. “Who is apparently a mega bitch. For absolutely no discernible reason.”

“If she thinks she’s getting a cookie for it, she’s wrong,” Cherry added.

They waved at me. I waved back. Then I squealed inside because they payed attingtion to me!

“You’re sending out a lot of mixed signals,” Cherry frowned as she spoke. “Do ya hate the family, or are ya jealous of them?”

“Oh, she is absolutely jealous,” Asahi said. “She wishes she could be a part of this family.”

The Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin! REMASTRED CHAPTER 2!

AN: This is the remastered version of my previous chapter 2 which I had to remove because it was getting too much negative criticism. You can find the old version on my DeviantArt BUT THIS ISNT ADVERTISING SO DON'T GO THERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO!

“I really hope she’s not planning on doing this for every chapter,” Briar sighed, running a hand down her face. “It’s going to get old very fast if she does.”

Asahi shrugged, “I don’t know. She’s got to remind everyone somehow that this is a remastered version every time.”

Chapter 2: Biolology Class

“Oh, goodie,” there was sarcasm dripping from Cherry’s words as she rolled her eyes. “We’ll be gettin’ the infamous biology scene, but with Becca instead of Bella.”

The sun was heavily beating down on my beautiful eyes and I quickly took out my mirror to check myself. I had a lot of sweat on my heart-shaped chin and my wide forehead that didn't have a widow's peak had picked up a lot of sweat.

Cherry snorted and Asahi shook his head, bringing a hand up to his mouth to hide the grin. “Someone thinks rather highly of themselves,” he said.

“Especially when the mental image that comes with a sweaty wide forehead an heart-shaped chin isn’t exactly ‘gorgeous’,” Cherry added. “So, which end of the heart is the chin. Is it the point? No, no, I bet it’s the top part, giving ya that little cleft."

I had pale skin just like Edowerd and and my lips let me kiss people sexily and beautifully. But not slutilly I don't do that shit.

Still snickering, Cherry shook her head. “Somehow, I doubt that.”

Anyways I quickly hopped over to where edowerd and capser were. I started to speak to them.

“Edowerd?” Briar asked. “I supposed Edward had an emergency, so his stand-in is here. Not that I can blame him for not wanting to be here.”

"hey Edowerd" I sed

"hey Rebecca" he sed

"hor are you doing today edowerd!?" I asked inquisitively but not angrily. There is a difference you shits!

“Yes, smart. Yell at your readers and call them shits,” Asahi said, nodding his head in understanding. “Always a good way to retain readership and not make people hate you.”

“This gives me the same vibes as “Dumbledore said calmly”.” Cherry snickered.

"it's a good thing we are inside is all I shay speak" Edowerd!

"why is that!?" I was fearing a terrible surprise! Something could be bad, that's what scared Edowerd!?

Sighing, Briar leaned forward and rubbed her temples. “Why does she have to be so unnecessarily aggressive?”

“Cause she’s dumb,” Cherry explained as she offered her bucket of popcorn to her. “I mean, it’d explain why she’s somehow forgot he’s a vampire.”

"because it is sooooooooooooooo sunny today sweetie" he say.

“Honestly?” Asahi began, looking uncomfortable. “I’ve only ever heard ‘sweetie’ be said in condescension or by grandmas.”

I bluoshed! Edowerd had never ex[resied any sort of love towards another person before! But why!? "resurrect you love today girl" he say.

"prithee to love you if I dare relive" I say declaring love as I walked away from the two boys.

Pausing to take it in, Cherry turned to her companions. “Did either of you make sense of that?”

“Nope,” Asahi shook his head.

“Unfortunately, not at all,” Briar shrugged.

Actually I am sure that caspor is a transsexual the sick fucker. [AN: Trans sheeple are just lying if u are a girl who wants to be a boy its only becuz u think u are speshial]

“Our writer for today sure is a peach,” Cherry muttered, crossing her arms over her chest.

Briar took in a deep breath, one hand holding the edge of her seat's armrest, the other holding her drink. “I’m trying to be polite, to be calm,” she said through gritted teeth as the hard plastic of the seat cracked under her grip. She took another breath, breathing in deeply through the nose and letting out a ragged exhale.

A moment later, her drink exploded in her other hand, spelling water all over her glove, her eyes brighter with fury. “But, fuck you.”

Asahi and Cherry both leaned close together, away from her, and shared a look. Silently agreeing to not get on her bad side as their eyes flickered back to Briar.

Because he is always doing feminine stuff with Alicia like shopping and trying out clothes and because he is doing some women suck dicks. Like what the actual fuc who does that.

Slowly pulling himself away from Cherry, and thus back in reach of Briar, Asahi gave her one fleeing, worried look before regaining his composure and gazing at the screen. His anxiety melted away into frustration as he read the text, and then read it again.

Heaving a sigh, he shook his head. “Look, there’s a girl in my life, and if she wants me to go shopping with her, wants me to try on clothes and such with her, I’d do it. Even if I’m not into that stuff, I’d still do it, because I like being with her, and I have fun no matter what I’m doing when I’m with her and she’s having fun.”

He ran a hand down his face and then held it to the screen. “I’m sure that’s a sentiment most guys feel too when it comes to people they love.”

Then I had to go to my biololgy class where our teacher was Mister Chocolove who is a doctor of biology at the college of Forks. Biololgy is my favorite class. That is because it gives me hope. Hope for experiements and hope for understating.

Cherry snorted, digging her hand through her bucket of popcorn. “Look at the girl. She’s tryin’ to sound so deep and doesn’t realize just how silly it is.”

Snickering, Asahi shook his head. “Look, I’m sorry,” he said, waving a hand off as he tried to get his laughter under control. “Mr. Chocolove sounds like the name of a pornstar.”

Also Edowerd! He was there in the class the same one I was in! He sat all alone so I went over to him and he smiled at me. He must love me back then!

“Sure,” Asahi rolled his eyes, “Smiling at someone means you are in love. That mindset has some really bad nice guy energy to it.”

“Be that as it may, now ya know to always frown at everyone,” Cherry said, looking to Asahi and putting on the deepest, hardest frown she could muster. “Can’t let anyone get mixed signals.”

With a soft ‘hah’ and a momentary upward twitch of the lips, Asahi returned her frown with one just as exaggerated, scrunching up his face in pure displeasure. “You’re right. Sorry, Cherry, I can’t ever let you see me smile, you might think I’m in love with you.”

 Then he sexually massaged my lower tigh when we wer ein class it was so fucing hot you wouldn't fucing believe it.

"oh yeah edowerd you are so sexy" I sed to him.

"I think I love you to let us exchange fluids later" he dropped the bomb.

Turning away from the two making worse and worse frowny faces at each other, Briar read the story and grimaced. “Nothing more alluring than saying ‘let’s exchange fluids’ when you want to ask someone for sex.”

As she said that, Asahi and Cherry jerked away from each other to stare at the screen as if they hadn’t thought she was being serious. But there it was, in all its grammatical errors glory.

“Good, god,” Cherry cringed. “You’re in class, have some freakin’ decency!”

 But!

Then bella came and then sat to the left of us. But not at our fucing table we wuldnt let that happen wtf reader u don't think I have fucking standards!?

Asahi raised a brow, “Were we supposed to think you had standards?” he asked in response, “Because so far, everything has pointed the opposite.”

Bella the stupid fucking hobag was so stupid. She fucing tripped while in her chair and because of that I laughed my ass of and edowerd did too. Bella screamed at us because she is tormenting.

Briar sighed, looking sympathetic towards the screen. “May the Gods have mercy on the poor girl,” she murmured. “Bella is the true victim of the story.”

“This story loves kickin’ the dog over an over again,” Cherry added, matching Briar’s soft tone for a brief moment before breaking it with her usual, more brash attitude. “The dog being Bella, course.”

"shut the fucking up you fucing bitches! I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU!" she screemed crying and giving us the finger [AN: the middle one!] because sittign back down. Then Alicia went over to bella and patted her on the back.

And the Bella Abuse just continued, it was kind of ridiculous all things considered. Really, what had Bella actually done to warrant any of it? Was there anything she had done? If so, none of them understood that reason.

“You would think, with the way the author treats her that Swan personally murdered TwilightRova’s grandmother and stole all her valuable,” Asahi complained staring at it all in disbelief. “The way Swansin treats her is completely disproportionate with what Swan has actually done! It’s outright abuse!”

“At least Alicia is there for her,” Cherry offered, “she’s not totally alone.”

"There there" Alicia massaged Bella. This is a lesbian action. "It's all going to be okay homie".

“See!” Cherry said, gesturing to the massage. “Bella can have herself a nice girlfriend, okay? Alicia seems to genuinely care about her, so all’s good!”

“Let’s hope it lasts,” Briar muttered, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm just so fucking sad and depressed and angry I hate life" bella said. What a Debbie downer. If I am boring then I ask someone to make me glad it is not a harsh concept.

 "Mr Chocolove make Rebecca shut the fuck up" bella whinied like a mare in heat.

“You,” Briar said, emphasizing that one word to such a point it was hard to tell if she was referring to TwilightRova or Rebecca. Probably both, was what Asahi and Cherry thought as Briar leaned forward. “You are a terrible person.”

"what the fuck did she do to yall" Cohcolove asked! He had was anger wielded!

"Rebecca was being a shit!" cryied bella!

"What a fatass" I whisperd to edowerd.

Asahi sighed, looking to the ceiling so he wouldn’t have to be subjected to any more of the story, though it was a brief respite. “For being the main character, Swansin is such a bully.”

He looked at me all dreamily and I blushed again and giggled. He was so into me! I would have to tell me friend Tanishashanqua about this later!

Thoughts of bullying and Bella Abuse came to a stop as they all stared at the newest character and her entrance, or not even an entrance, just a namedrop. Which meant there was a coin toss of a chance she would actually show up, but even so, just the name alone had left them gaping in… something. Horror, shock, disbelief. A whole slurry of emotions.

“I’m sorry…?” Briar began, shaking her head slowly as she spoke. “‘Tanishashanqua’? That… that can’t be a real name, or is it? Is this just a fancy, but normal name here?”

“It looks less like a name and more like a jumble of letters,” Asahi said with an off-kilter chuckle, unsure of it himself. “Maybe it’s just a really mean nickname.”

"Okay so today we are doing a surprise! Wild mothafuckers gonna see who da fuck is human today!" annunciated Chocolove!

 "everybody take a blood test today and then submit the samples to me and then fuck the get out" just as Mister Chocolove finished

Cherry chuckled, “Well, one way to find the imposter,” she said between snickers.

Alicia ran the fuck out of the classroom with her gun.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE BITCH" she fucked and ran!

Finally, since that unwanted and transphobic remark from earlier, Briar was laughing. It was soft, not much, but it was a laugh. “I’ll admit. That was funny.”

Alicia says that we are from black-society, that we didn't serve the devil if we didn't dance. She had wisdom. But why gun when you can just not gun!?

“It’s a fair point,” Asahi nodded in understanding. “Why gun when you can knife?”

“Or sword, if you’re feeling brave,” Briar added.

"I'm so fucing alone" bella cried because nobody fucking likes that whoring slut.

Raising her hand, Briar shrugged. “I, for one, like Bella,” she said.

“Honestly? Same,” Asahi agreed, and Cherry nodded.

I looked over to edowerd dreamily again to get his attention but he had a very very worried look all over his face it was sort of disturbing.

“For good reasons, too!” Cherry snapped.

But would our love power us through this struggle!?

The Kronicals of Rebecca Swansin! REMASTRED CHAPTER 3!

AN: This is the remastered version of my previous chapter 3 which I had to remove because it was getting too much negative criticism. You can find the old version on my DeviantArt BUT THIS ISNT ADVERTISING SO DON'T GO THERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO!

Collectively, the three of them groaned.

“Good, fuckin’ God,” Cherry complained, her popcorn almost falling off her lap. “She really is doing this for every freakin’ chapter!”

Chapter 3: Edowerd's escape

Clearing his throat, Asahi deepened his voice and put on a ‘narrators’ tone. “He finally escaped Rebecca Swansin and her evil clutches, and was able to comfort Swan, his one and true love. The end.”

“If only,” Cherry muttered.

I looked up at Edowerd and had a grim look on his face. I silently prayed to my god (Judah) and hoped that edowerd could exempt from the human test.

“Judah?” Briar shook her head. “I get that religions and gods are different between our worlds, and that I don’t know yours beyond what knowledge this room has put in me. But I don’t think Judah was the name of a God.”

“It’s… complicated. Religion is complicated,” Asahi said with a shrug. “Judah was the fourth son of Jacob. But there’s also the Kingdom of Judah, and there are Judahites. So that’s probably what this is derived from? I don’t know, I’m not really a religious person.”

“She could also just be makin’ up a fictional god,” Cherry pointed out.

 After seeing his beautiful red eyes of warning, I understood his meaning. He was thinking, I don't want to take my test.

Asahi scoffed, “I never met a student who wanted to take a test.”

 (That means that he wanted me to take the test for him you dumb shits.)

I also bombed a glance at him and then sexily took the needle from his hands!

Briar shuddered, a grimace on her face, and when Cherry and Asahi both looked at her with concern, she shook her head and forced herself to relax. “Sorry. I’m just not fond of needles.”

"NOT!" he try!

"I INSIST!" I bellow!

“Yell louder,” Cherry hollered, cupping her mouth with her hands so her voice carried further. “Chocolove can’t hear ya yet with how quiet you’re being!”

I stick it into me, baring through the pain by thinking of bella and how much I hate that bitch. How many painful thoughts I went though- SHE RUINED MY LIFE!

“Okay, but how?” Asahi demanded, and it was understandable why he would grow more frustrated every time this got brought up. “We’ve been given no example of how she ruined your life, or what she did that is oh so terrible to you. The only thing we’ve been shown so far is you being a horrible person to her!”

 Edowerd started to get off on the smell of blood

There was a groan, and someone in the crowd began making some heaving sounds. It just was not a pretty mental image.

 but his friendship and maybe love for me kept him from biting me and slurping and sucking my neck, from giving me a good blood sucking and biting.

"owww" the entire class went as they took blood samples!

Briar let out a low groan, looking up and away from the screen.

For the most part, Asahi was unphased by it. “It’s really not all that bad,” he told her, “It’s a pinch and then you’re done.”

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

"oh yeah" Edowrod screamed thinking of all of the blood! "PRIZEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Edowerd you FUCKER" I screamed! No wait that doesn't sound as nice. "Edowerd you IDIOT," I cried!

“Well, it’s fitting since you’re not at all nice,” Cherry huffed, rolling her eyes.

 He was being such a goddamn bitch! I was taking this test for him and yet he kept whining like a bitchy itchy bitch.

"Fuck you Rebecca you don't understand my pain!" he screeched at me and then got up and punched bella in the fucking face

Sighing, Briar began rubbing her temples. “This story makes me want to pick Bella up and just whisk her away somewhere she’d be safe,” she confessed. “I cannot stand seeing people treated like absolute shit and abused like this.”

and then ran out of the classroom! She got back up becuse damn that broad can take a hit.

“Well, you have to respect her resilience,” Asahi said.

"Stop motherfucker!" scream Mr. Chocolove who summoned a spirit lance to do battle with! "From out from the cells of life there came the water rush of DNA! This DNA made the heavens! There was a time when ardency prevailed and I work to resolve it!" He tried to slice Edowerd in half but Edowerd was so fast!

Cherry let out a disbelieving laugh. “Is everyone at this school just armed?”

“By the looks of it? Yeah,” Asahi crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow. “Is that not normal for America?”

“Fair point.”

"What is ardency in relation to science you mad fool!?" Edowerd hissed!

"it is only after the permit of DNA that we can mold the earth! I FIGHT FOR THAT PERMIT!" CHOCOLOVE UNLEASH FINAL ATTACK!

“It’s almost impressive how ridiculous this all is,” Briar said, feeling a chill just saying something close to praise for the story.

 NOOO! I WAS SO SCRAYD I WAS ALMOST CRYING FOR EEDOWERD! But oh wait that's right he's a vampire. He's fine nevermind!

Taking in a sharp breath, Asahi folded his hands together and brought them to his mouth. He kept like that for a few moment more before pulling away and looking up at the screen, “The fact that she claims to love him, but simultaneously shows no regard for his safety makes me so, so angry,” he growled, clenching his hands together tighter. “If you love someone, you do everything you can to keep them safe!”

Briar watched him before sighing and smiling softly, reaching out to push some hair behind his ear. “Sounds like you understand love better than her.”

“I… uh… thanks, I guess?” he answered, unsure, and feeling his cheeks warm up.

"tee hee" I giggled.

Interrupting that awkward moment between the older two, Cherry let out the highest pitched laugh she could, “Oh, teehee, look at me! I’m so, so important!”

 I knew I had to be the hero and spot this from becoming an atrocity the likes of which forks has never seen! It was best to the side with this than against it so I got up, punched bella in the face (slut)

“Really, what did Bella ever do to deserve this treatment?” Briar demanded.

“Exist, apparently,” was Cherry’s answer, which didn’t help at all.

 and then threw a rock at the fire alarm! Then it went off springly water all over us high schoolers like dad when we washed the car.

"OMFG" went the entire class. Cohoclove got the fuck out of the situashing and ran from the room and then the entire class ran too because FIRE!

Asahi sighed and shook his head, “You would think they’d realize there was no fire, just some crazy girl throwing rocks at a fire alarm. It’s not exactly sneaky.”

“Where did she get the rocks from, anyway?” Cherry asked. “Does she just keep her bag full of rocks?”

After that I decided to go to lunch where I would meat up with the rest of the Collins for lunch. So den I got to lunch and the lunch lady gave me a fuckin Styrofoam [AN: polyphenylene] tray so I smacked that bitch for being an anti environmentalist terrorist!

“Jesus,” Asahi hissed, glowering at the screen. “Swansin is beyond abusive.”

“How is this girl not expelled?” Cherry demanded, “She’s attackin’ other students in the cafeteria!”

That will teach here! Then I got an apple to save trees but not their babies and went to go eat lunch with the Collins because I'm with the cool kids now. Except Edowerd who is missing.

“I’m surprised that anyone wants to be around you at all,” Briar said dryly, looking altogether unimpressed with Rebecca. “You are rather… violently volatile.”

"where is edowerd!?" I said.

And so "hi not moon" they said.

“So that’s what they meant by moon,” Cherry said with an ‘ah-hah’ tone, bringing her fist down on an open palm. “You don’t just type ‘hi, Not-Moon’ by accident. She’s playin’ us, she knows this is bad.”

“They all do,” Asahi shrugged, but then stopped to think. His eyes widened as his expression shifted to that of horror. “I… hope they all do.”

"where is edowerd!?" I said.

"Rebecca I don't thin kthat anyone knows where Edowerd after he ran away from biolology" answered Clemment. "The mood isn't good went losing" Bennett had to answer questions and then had answers.

“Clemment and Bennet,” Briar nodded. “They must be Emmett’s stand-ins, for when he doesn’t want to be involved in this madhouse of a story.”

"you affect me, don't you" You and I looked over to where bella was sitting and saw that she was sitting alone in her study. "I don't understand my love but this isn't over."

“The dialogue makes no sense,” groaning, Asahi grabbed his head and tugged it down. “Every time Swan gets mentioned, it’s like seeing a cat sitting in the rain and begging to go inside. Why does this girl hate her so much?”

"I saw you and away. Behind and through the front. I want you to repay the debit." His words eckoed symfonically. That was because all of bellas friends were fucking murdered last fall by a vampire named Angela the Vampric empress [AN: GO READ THE PREQUAL EXSEPT NOT THIS ISNT ADVERTISIGN!] who was once one of bella's fiends.

“The one human friend Bella had in the books who was genuinely kind to her,” Briar hummed with a nod. “I suppose I can’t blame her for turning out to be a murderous psychopath,”

I laughed so hard when I found out about it. Bella only live dbecause of chans.

Cherry groaned, throwing herself against her seat to stare at the ceiling, covering her face with her hands. “You are awful. Why are ya this awful?”

But back to the point we all didn't know where Edowerd was! Where the he could be!? HE COULD BE ANYWHERE!?

“He’s probably hiding from you,” Asahi yelled at the screen, and then hunched over, nursing his drink tightly. “I would if I had to deal with you. I’d never leave my apartment again.”

AN: This is the remastered version of my previous chapter 4 which I had to remove because it was getting too much negative criticism. You can find the old version on my DeviantArt BUT THIS ISNT ADVERTISING SO DON'T GO THERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO!

“You don’t need to post this every chapter,” Briar grimaced.

“How long do you think she’ll keep it up?” Cherry said, tossing a piece of popcorn into the air and twisting her body so she could catch it with her mouth. “I’m bettin’ by the time we hit them double digits she’d have gotten bored with it.”

Chapter 4: THE DRUG DEELER!

Popping another piece of popcorn in her mouth, Cherry look to the side and pretended there was a camera there. Maybe there was one, they still hadn’t found any actual cameras. “Don’t do drugs, kids,” she said sternly. “If you do drugs you will get pregnant and die.”

“What… what does pregnancy have to do with drugs…?”

The question was, of course, ignored.

After lunch I went to my next class because I had to see if Edowerd would be there. His disappearance from lunch affected me greately. I had engrish class where I would have 2 go and study engrish!

“You know, I had to study English back when I was in school, but I don’t think my English classes were the same kind you had. We learned to speak English,” Asahi mused. “I think TwilightRova needs that kind of class.”

Cherry looked at him in confusion. “What do you mean ‘was’?” she asked. “Aren’t ya still in school? You’re not that much older than me.”

He shrugged and leaned back. “Cultural differences, I guess. High school isn’t seen as compulsory education back home like it is in the states. After fifteen it’s not mandatory that you keep going to school. Most continue, there’s a lot of benefits to having a high school diploma,” Asahi explained, looking uninterested in it, though Cherry looked overly interested in his stead. “I completed my mandatory education, did one year of high school, then dropped out to join the workforce.”

 It was not my favorite class because it did not give me hope. We were reading V 4 Venessa.

“Wait a second,” Cherry frowned. “Are ya talkin’ about ‘V for Vendetta’?” she asked, squinting at the screen. “Cause that ain’t a book. It’s a movie an’ a comic!”

Its all about a masked person who goes around killing people who are in a contemplation camp. The people who are in the camp are either homo or black like Mr. Cohoclove [AN: but not TO black] or anti-govermental fucks or illegal Mexicans!

“You know, to cement the racism of this story,” Asahi explained. “Can’t have someone’s skin be too dark.”

 I really don't like illegal Mexicans being all the way up north in fourks because they are illegal and shouldn't be coming here. Anyways V is this sociopath who edoweird identifies with because edowerd has also killed people in the paste.

“Killing people in paste is absolutely justified,” Briar nodded her head as she said that. “But killing people in the past? That’s a different story.”

Then edowerd came to class! He sat down next to me and then he looked at me!

“Careful ya don’t orgasm on the spot,” Cherry said with a roll of the eyes.

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier" apologized that fucker edowerd. Thank god he did he was so wrong to do that. He was being such a fucking bitch It's a good thing that he apologized! Otherwise he would've had something bad coming to him like a lawsuit.

Asahi groaned and shook his head. “That’s not love. Love does not look like that,” he forced out through clenched teeth. He pulled away from the screen after a moment to take in a breath, calming himself back down.

“That’s not love, Swansin. That’s just you being a toxic human being.”

"That's okay I was missing you anyways. your not a fucker anymore" I replied, swaying my beautiful hair back and forth. He was entranced I could tell because his eyes did that thing where they get all slitted and hungry looking.

“Maybe he’s just a cat an’ wants to play with your hair,” Cherry offered with a shrug. “Ever think of that?”

"Okay well let's promise to never fight again!" said edowerd and then I instantly knew that moment of that day of that month in the instant that edowrad would love me forever- IT HAD TO BE LOVE!

“Stop! Just stop ruining the concept of love,” Asahi spat.

"Oh Edowerd" I cooped, "I know I am only fetid meat to you but you affect me in ways I could not imagine you studly bronco" and then we made out sexily in front of everybody in class

Cherry groaned and looked away from the screen, covering her eyes with a hand. “Gross!” she complained. “Haven’t ya heard of PDA? Ya don’t do it in front of a crowd!”

Then bella that fat slut walked in. everything about her is slutty even her goddamn fucking bellybutton is a cow for boys to hump. Whore. I gave her the finger for being such a fucking moodbreaker and she couldn't even cry because she had ran out of tears. SERVES HER RIGHT FOR WHAT SHE DID TO ME!

With a held back hiss, Asahi rose from his seat, “What did she do to you that justifies this much abuse?” he demanded furiously, looking ready to charge at the screen.

Briar slumped over, taking in a deep breath before staring at the screen.. One hand had pulled her dagger out and was methodically twirling it as her hands hung limply between her knees. “Okay, let’s have a small story time and show why how she treats Bella bothers me so much,” she decided, staring unblinking at the screen and what she imagined was a camera behind it. “Growing up, there was this girl in my village. We were both outcasts for different reasons, and as such she was my closest and dearest friend.”

There was a faint, soft smile on her face as she spoke of her, but there was a hint of grief in that expression, too. “She was treated horribly for as long as I could remember. Adults and children alike showed her only cruelty, dehumanized her,” she said, her tightly gripping the dagger as she rose her hand and drove it down into the armrest of her seat. “The reason? Because she existed.”

“She was born looking different from the others, and that was why they treated her so horrible. I was hated too, but I wasn’t bothered as much because they knew I could fight back, she couldn’t, so she was given the brunt end of the stick.” Slowly that knife went deeper and deeper into the armrest. “Every time I caught wind she was being bothered; I came running with whatever I had on hand and chased her abusers off. I’d hit them with brooms, throw pig feed on them and hit them with the bucket, and so on.”

Cherry and Asahi had been watching in rapt attention, but even they couldn’t help but chuckle a little at that.

“Now, mind you is has been maybe eighty—it’s been a long time since I’ve had to do any of that. Merelith grew and learned to harness her own strength and voice. She’s a powerful woman now who commands respect and reverence whenever she enters a room, and I couldn’t be happier for her,” Briar said, her grip on the knife weakening as she let out a breath and smiled.

But just as fast her expression snapped back to that of anger and pushed down hard on the knife. The blade touched down to hilt. “Rebecca invokes that same feeling of righteous fury that the people of my village did. Except instead of with a broom handle, she makes me want to run at her with a sword every time she mistreats Bella,” the Huntsman said with a growl.

Unable to help it, Cherry burst into laughter, grinning wide as she stretched across Asahi to reach her. “I would love to see ya do that to her,” she said, a sparkle of excitement in her eyes.

"Heartfire" Edowerd said pointing to what was missing in the room! Then I notised something! Alice wasn't there with us! I had to ask Jasmine (lick transsexual fucker) where she was!

"Hey tranny where is your gf" I asked very carefully

Cherry didn’t move, she laid across Asahi while somehow still not leaving her seat. “Yikes. She did not just say that.”

“Even more reason to run her through with a sword,” Briar muttered darkly.

"She is doing a drug deal so that she can pay for college!" tranny jasper [AN: you fuockers called him jasmine even though he is just a confused man but whatever I'll play along with you hobags] said viciously!

“Is this whole thing because of the Life and Death book? Where everyone got gender swapped?” Asahi demanded as he tried to shove Cherry off him, to no avail, “Because outside of fandom headcanons, I really don’t understand where you seem to think Jasper was a transwoman all along.”

Putting even more of her weight on Asahi, and hanging onto the undamaged arm rest for support, Cherry broke into maniacal cackles. “Only a coward would use drugs to pay for college,” she mocked. “If you were truly brave, you’d get the money by wearin’ the sweaty rat suit and let kids maul ya at a restaurant.”

"what the fuck bitch get off me, get off my case, what, YOU WANNA GO!?" I said defensively!

“Why is she so unnaturally aggressive to everything?” Briar demanded, moving her arm away so Cherry couldn’t hold her to anchor herself. “She asked Jasmine a question, Jasmine answered, and now you’re angry at her for it?”

“I want to say she has a delusional personality disorder, particularly the grandiose and persecutory types. It would explain her inflated sense of self and why she takes everything as a personal attack,” Asahi said, still trying to roll Cherry off his lap, “But, I don’t want people who actually have that to think I’m lumping them in with Swansin.”

 I was like a motha bear protecting my cubs and shit! "what is she some sort of drugee!?" this was an act to establish dominance in the eyes of peers to let them kniow I don't take shit from no one [AN: Rebecac is kind of a role model she stands up for herself!]

Briar, still gripping her knife, gave a sharp jerk of her arm and tore the knife free from the armrest, and in doing so broke off a chunk of said armrest. “She is not a role model, she is an abuser, a bully.”

“And, like Asahi said, she’s got an inflated ego,” Cherry said rolling onto her back, her legs now stretched across the various arm rests of his and her seats, her head on the armrest shared between Asahi and Briar, like a hard, uncomfortable pillow.

"No! No! She just sells the dope to fuckers who want to buy that kind of shit" jasmine jasper say and then cried! Serves him right I thought! Edowerd smiled at me so that means I was right all along.

Cherry groaned and put a hand on her face. “She really does like drivin’ home that she’s a jerk.”

“The queen of jerks,” Asahi confirmed, putting his hands on her waist and giving a solid shove, finally dislodging her form his lap and mercilessly sending her to the floor.

Suddenly Alicia [AN: Alice changed her name illegally to Alicia to be tougher, and she identifies with this version of herself more because she is a hardened criminal now]

“Just admit ya had a spelling mistake, don’t double down on it,” Cherry snapped at the screen as she pulled herself back up to her seat.

walked into the classroom and sat down next to me and Edowerd! I noticed that she had a GUN on her and I was soooo scared for a second there! Then I realized that she probably just used the gun to protect herself in the drug deals and for killing motherfuckers who try to betray her. I wondered if she had ever had to shoot somebody with it! I would be scared if she had!

Briar slowly sheathed her knife and crossed her arms over her chest. “Alicia sounds like a tough woman. Killing people to defend herself or those who betrayed her? I can respect that.”

“Is anyone else wondering why this school lets her openly carry a gun around?” Asahi asked, looking around before stopping to think about it and sighing. “No, it’s actually not all that surprising. This is Fuck's High School, where zero fucks are given.”

"Hey Alicia!?" I asked!

"Yeah Rebecca?" she REPLIED!

Cherry chuckled, “Girl has to make sure readers understood that she replied.”

"Have you ever had to shoot somebody with that gun you have there?"

"Yes I have, many times" Alicia reported

"Why!? ARE YOU GOING TO SHOOT ME WITH IT!?" I pleaded worriedly!

With a short, sharp laugh, Asahi rolled his eyes, “We can only hope she will,” he said. “That would be a wonderful way to end the story, Alicia just shooting her in the head.”

"No no of course not you silly dunce" SCREAMED ALICIA, WAVING THE FUCKING GUN AROUND! Hasper got up from his chair and then he grabbed the gun from Alicia's hand!

“So glad that her boyfriend understands that you don’t wave a gun wildly around in the air,” Briar sighed. “Their obsessive need to scream is beginning to grow annoying.”

“Beginning to?” Cherry asked incredulously, staring wide eyed at Briar. “It’s been annoyin’ since the start!”

"NO ALICIA, STOP, YOU CANT GO DOWN THIS PATH IN LIFE!" Caper pleaded! I pushed Edowerd and I under the desk from our chairs and tried to escape! Alicai stated to shoot the gun at the windows and the students she was fucking insane in the membrane! Mike Newton got hit with a bullet and then he fell from his chair dying!

“I’m sorry, I thought Angela had already killed him, but clearly I was wrong,” Asahi frowned, trying to remember earlier segments of the story. It was no use, trying to recall any of the insanity they had read was just giving him a headache, so he gave up. “Still, the poor sap. Survived one crazy girl, only to be gunned down by another.”

Alicias also shot Bella who was trying to run like a fat cow! She fell to the ground crying over mike's dead limpid body. BELLA FELL INTO DARK.

There was a collective boo and various pieces of snacks thrown at the screen.

“Stop bein’ so unnecessarily mean to Bella!” Cherry yelled as Briar gritted her teeth and began pulling her knife from the sheath once again.

"We must stop this discourse!" I protested to edowerd! We had to be heroes so we WOULD BE!

"Okay I have a plan! Listen!" Edowerd said!...

There was a pause, and then Briar let out a sharp, hollow laugh. “I’m sorry? Rebecca is supposed to be the hero of this story?” she asked in disbelief, shaking her head as she laughed again. “I was under the impression that we’ve simply been following the story of a villain.”

“We might still be,” Asahi said, cracking a smile as well. “Every villain is the hero of their own story. Makes sense, with her clinical case of delusions, that she thinks she’s the hero.”

Chapter 5: I - rezolushin 2 da gun

laest timne on da kronicals of rebecka swansen:

“Uuuugh, recaps are annoying,” Cherry grimaced, sinking deep into her seat. “We just read the previous chapter, we don’t need a refresher!”

"alicia no stp u cant go down dis path in lyfe" caper pleeded. i pushd edowerid and i undor da desk frum hour chares and tryd 2 escaepe. alicai stated 2 shoot da gun at da windowz an studentz. mike newtun got hittd wit a bullett an den he fell frum his chare dieng. alicias aslo shot bella hu wuz crying ova mikes dead boddy. bella fell 2.

Asahi squinted at the text, “Is it just me, or did the spelling just get worse?” he asked. He could so easily see the lines of red squiggles and blue underlines for almost every word in that paragraph, marking some kind of spelling or grammatical error.

“Sure looks like it,” Cherry muttered.

now 4 da resolushin:

edoweird jumpped ovar 2 were alicia wuz and smaked da bitch. den da teachor wakled in and he wuz so confewzed az 2 wat wuz goign on.

“Confused is an understatement,” Briar commented. “I don’t think there’s anyone present who isn’t confused.”

alicia sow dat mr. cleerwater hade walked into da clasrum and alicia shot edowerd an den aymed da gunn at mr clearwatre.

Cherry held her arms out helplessly to the screen. “Does the author know that Harry Clearwater ain’t a teacher?”

“You’re assuming that she cares about that detail,” Asahi shrugged.

"no alicia dunt go down dis pathe it will onlee cawze u moer sorroe and payne" i screemed. "if u shoot mr cleerwatre naow den u will b stukc in a cycol of reveeng!"

Briar sighed, shaking her head in dismay. “As repulsive as the spelling is… she has a point.” She forced out, clearly pained to even say such a thing. “It’s so easy to get trapped in a cycle of revenge, all it leads to is pain and anger.”

i also screemed. i wuz bery very very concerednd abut da sitatshin. den alicia, da gurl wit da very brouwn haire toook her gunn and pointted it at da dieing bella an her dieing friend who had a lot of blud on da grund.

Cherry leapt to her feet, “Don’t ya dare,” she growled out. “Don’t ya fuckin dare!”

"illl fukcing kill u all u god dam mothre fuckorz!" scraemd alicis hu den shoted bella forteene timez in da neck.

Asahi groaned, crumpling in on himself. “Why? Just why?”

“More and more this story makes me wish I could go in there and cut Rebecca down,” Briar growled out. “No one deserves this treatment.”

Edowird den jumpd behinde alica and slit her wristz wit his fingornaelz. alicia wuz in payne an dropepd da gun an den edawurd stabed alicia in da spiine wit a pensil tiems untli alicia drupped 2 da grund lipm. (butt it wuld b ok becuz alicia iz a vampiore and she wuld heel).

“That is really excessive,” Cherry winced. “Ya coulda just, I dunno, wrenched the gun from her hand. Didn’t need to go that far.”

“You’re also overestimating the strength of these pencils. Vampires are far more durable than that,” Asahi added.

den edowerd gaev da gun 2 mr cleerwater who tahnked him "thakn u" he thakned.

den i went 2 go an c if bella or myk were alyve. i rally hopped dat da biotch bella wuld b ded an dat myke wuz ded 2 sinz i h8 da 2 fockerz. den da pearamediks came and tuk bella 2 da hospitel

“Thank god!” came the relieved sigh from Cherry. “This girl needs immediate medical treatment.”

“And a restraining order against Swansin.”

 but myke wuz ded he had bene shooted waaaaay 2 meny tims. i wish dat bella had ded 2 but it wuz ok. so den i went ovar an saw dat cassie wuz also shot wich wuz sad 2 me becuz cassy iz a olde fiend fo minee. den da polise were dere an den dey handcofed alicia an tuk her 2 prizun 4 brining a gun 2 scool an den sellin drugs 2 otha studeent an den shooting da otha studentz.

“Wanna make a bet on how long it’ll take before Alicia breaks out of prison?” Asahi asked.

Rummaging through her pocket, Cherry pulled a five-dollar bill. “I’m willing to bet she gets out by the time we hit chapter ten.”

Briar added to it with a handful of coins, “I wouldn’t be surprised if she is free by next chapter,” she said.

i weant 2 da batherum 2 du my maykup becuz i hade cryed becuz bella didnt dye. my yerlllowe and blaeck mascare-a had bene all moisturized

“Oh boo-fuckin-hoo,” Cherry mocked. “You’re cryin’ cause she didn’t die? I wanna cry over how awful you treat her!”

“Our hero, everyone,” Asahi said sacrastically as he pointed to the screen. “A heroic young girl who bawls her eyes out because her cousin wasn’t murdered. Such a paragon for good.”

"WWHAT DA FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK R U DONI U FOCKIN MOHTAFUCKORES!?" screemed sum1. me an edowird ran out of da stall naeked

Silence filled the theater. So quiet crickets could be heard chirping, if there were any within the room.

It was Briar who broke it after what had felt like agonizing hours of dumbfounded silence. “I’m sorry,” she began, trying to find her voice. “Are we missing a paragraph, or three? When, and how, did it go from Rebecca crying to her and Edward being naked in a bathroom stall?”

“Yeah, we’re missing something,” Asahi agreed, rubbing at his face. “As far as I know, this is exactly how it was posted. So, did the author like delete a scene and never go back to fix it? That’s the only thing I can think of to explain this; bad writing and worse editing.”

an den we saw angella da vapmiore.

"oh no" i sed...

“Oh, yes!” Cherry cackled.

CHATPER 6: DA ESCAEP

AN: i goit a message dat sed dat edowerd wuz not takling in an olde acsent enuf so i got my fiend 2 rite da diloge 4 me anshe did it in my stile. THNAKS _! SOOOOO MCUHH!

Her evil cackles died immediately, “Oh, no…” she said in horror.

“Please. Please let her friend be a better writer,” Asahi murmured, clasping his hands together and bowing his head. The first time he prayed to a God and it was for this. “Please make it legible!”

all of a sudeen angela wuz dere. angela wuz a vapmior hu had killeded erik an casy an naow she wuz here 2 kill me dammit.

Raising his head from his prayers, Asahi stared with utter exhaustion, “We can only hope,” he murmured.

i wuz luckee dat i wuz alown in da bathrum othawize sum1 elze culd b cot up betwene us 2.

Sighing, Cherry crossed her arms and looked away from the screen. “At least she’s considerate,” she muttered.

“How is she alone, though?” Briar asked. “Edward is supposed to be there, naked with her for some unknown reason.”

da bathroome wuz all dark and wuz onlee 19 bye 19 fete in total so dere wuznt a lot of room 2 b arund in.

With a snort, Asahi rolled his eyes. “Weirdly enough, I can see Swansin having taken a measuring stick to get those precise measurements at some point.”

i decidede 2 go bak into da stall dat i ran out of becuz i didnt want da vampier angel 2 biet me. i stated 2 cri teers of pepsy down my eyez becyz i wuz so scraed!

Cherry grimaced, and Asahi looked sick. “She cries soda tears,” she muttered, shuddering as she said it. “That is beyond disgusting. Can ya imagine how sticky her face has to be whenever she cries? She can’t even just wipe it off with a tissue, she needs warm water every time she cries to clean her face up!”

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to drink Pepsi again for…ever,” Asahi grumbled.

why culdnt dis shit happen 2 pepul liek bella!? bella wuznt liekd bye eny1 in my scool so why didnt angela cum 2 kill her!?

“Well, probably because Angela is her friend, and because Bella is currently heading to the hospital to recover from Alicia shooting her,” Briar explained, then added in a softer voice. “If Bella doesn’t get her revenge by the end of this, I will be upset.”

"dammit" I sed. "i dunt even no how 2 escap. i fuckig h8 all of u bitchz." I said disgutedly, tinking of bella da mega supa hore mc slutz fayce. den angela stated 2 cum toiwards me an i felt very scarred.

"no no no no no no no" i sheeked worredlee az angels futstepz were heerng by me frum da insid of da stal.

Asahi groaned, rubbing his eyes. “The spelling is a horror movie that makes my eyes hurt,”

“It’s beyond bad,” Briar agreed.

"dunt kell me kill bella shez a horing slut an nobuddy lieks her plz kill her NO NOT ME U FUCKOR" i pleated.

“Sure, that’ll work,” Cherry said with a roll of her eyes, “Yellin’ at your attacker an’ callin’ her a fucker is gonna do you so many favors.”

da steps were cawnstentlee getin cloesr so i went unda da stall 2 anathor stall. den angelaz fete wer follloweing me.

“She can likely see you crawling on the floor,” Briar pointed out and then furrowed her brows. “But also; why crawl on the bathroom floor? I don’t think you realize how filthy those are.”

"EDOWERD WERE DA FUOCK AREWE U U BITCH" I SCRAEMD AT DA TOPE OF MYU VIOCE! siuddenly i herd a BANG BANG BAGN goin on owtsyde da stal so i went owtsyde 2 investighat.

“Come on, girl, don’t ya watch horror movies?” Cherry yelled. “You never go out to investigate! That’s how ya get killed!”

 owtside dere was no moer angela and den i felted happi becuz EDOWEIRD WAS DERE!

"EDOWERE YAY IM SO HAPPY 2 C U" I scraemed. edoword jsut smirced an den edowerd came.

Asahi pretended to throw up with retching noises included. “Disgusting, think of the children.”

i huged him an den huged him and litly kissed him. mayb he hade wardedd angel offf frum me. i wuz so happy dat he had ben dere 2 protect me unliek when he wuz not dere 2 protect bella. u c bella iz suhc a biotch noew butt she wuznt alweyz 1 b4.

“Hold up,” Briar said, holding a hand out as if that would stop anyone. “Are we getting a backstory that’s going to explain why Bella is abused, and why she apparently deserves it?”

“There is nothing she can say that will make it justified,” Asahi narrowed his eyes at the screen.

when i 1st moved here 2 fourks bella and i wer bested fiends!

With a scoff, Cherry shook her head. “I’d say you’re already her best fiend.”

 bella wuz wit jacob, and he wuz a wearwolv. den 1 day bella wuz kidnaped bi jacubz fiend sath hu rapead bella.

Silence.

The theater was filled with silence as the three took in what had been written. The silence was growing to be almost as common as the raving and ranting as the story reached more and more points that they simply couldn’t form immediate responses. When the text became so asinine, or so unbelievable that they couldn’t react, that they needed time to think, to process.

That was what they were doing. Processing.

Processing what she had written. Processing the storm of feelings they felt.

It was Cherry who broke the silence first, swallowing thickly as she leaned forward, her stomach a tangled, nauseous knot. “What was the age ratin’ for this story, again?” The answer came to her mind immediately, M. She shook it off with a shudder. “Please tell me I just imagined what I read.”

Asahi sighed, defeated as he slumped back. “I wish I could, but you didn’t,” he muttered, and then added under his breath. “What the hell. Seth is like fourteen.”

“Fuck!”

evor sins den shez bene notihng butt a mayjor bi-0tch and i cunt stand 2 b neer her. so den she died her hair bleack an stated 2 b an emo (dat stands 4 "emo"shina; pepul). 1 day when i saw her she wuz whering a black drezz wit metching pompadeur around it and a black letter peants, and black hi heal botts. noew she alwaz whers black lipstick nd bleck eyshadw jsut liek da horing slut dat se iz.

They couldn't say they hadn't been warned. Their letter had told them to expect this, but it didn't stop them from feeling upset. For a long pause, no one said anything, all that was heard was soft seething.

Taking in a slow, deep breath, Briar leaned forward, interlocked her fingers and rested her forehead atop her knuckles. She took in another breath, slow and deep.

“Okay, let me get this straight,” she began, her voice low and deep as always, but dangerous. “Bella was raped, and as a result of that traumatizing experience, she changed how she acted. Which is a normal response to any severely traumatizing event, it’s helps one to cope with what happened, especially when they lack any support system—which we are to believe is the case with Bella. But you don’t even try to understand what’s happened, though you are fully aware of what Seth did to her, and you chalk it up to her being a slut and a bitch?” she asked.

She raised her head until just her eyes were seen, her violet stare fixed directly on the screen, but her gaze on something beyond.

“It’s been a while since I’ve had this strong of an urge to hurt someone.”

 but enywayz i wuz happy dat edoweird wuz dere 2 protekt me.

“I’m not happy,” Asahi groused, rightfully upset still over what had just happened, over how unaffected she was over it all. “I’m not happy at all. In fact, I’m feeling rather angry.”

"rebekka ist doth afowl" [AN: c is dat olde engrish 4 edowerd u fuckin trolls stop flaeming da storee or i will maek it sebenteen sentree engliosh ok!?] edowerd asked in hiz usul sicksteenthe senturee tone.

Cherry gripped her pigtails and pulled hard as she groaned. “He has never spoken like that! Yeah, some of the things he says are a little outdated, but he doesn’t talk like someone from a renaissance fair!”

“He’s not even that old!” Asahi added with frustration. “He’s barely over a hundred, that’s not the ‘Ye Old English’ era! Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle are all older than him, and they talk like normal people!”

 hiz tone wuz so fuckin hawt an it maed my nippoles hard.

Rage turned to disgust as Asahi covered his mouth, “Gross. We did not need to know that.”

"sure i am tanks 4 rescewing me" i huged edowird as i sed dis becuz i wus slowlee failing 4 him.

“I guess you’re idea of ‘slowly’ is pretty wonky,” Cherry scoffed.

 den i baecked away becuz i sudenly remeebered dat my nippoles were supa haerd an dats niot gud 4 a boy hu ur not mareyd 2 to fell. [AN: premartitell sex is not alrigt u trollz dunt tell me dat i hav no moralz cuz i am a foirm belivor in jsesus christ hu roise 4 hour sins an den died 4 dem so no sexe b4 maridge k?]

“They’re both against premarital sex, for different reasons,” Asahi mused as he mulled over a thought, “How long do you think it will last before they screw each other. As sickening as it is to think.”

“Not long,” Briar sighed.

"mi-ladee rebecka thou must not getteth intoeth soo muhceth trubleth so ofteneth" sed edowadr in a vearee careign tune.

Briar took in a deep breath. “No one ‘talkeths liketh thiseth’,” she snapped, baring her teeth. “I’m from what would be your ‘old English’ era, and we don’t talk like that.”

“Even people from the medieval and dark ages didn’t talk like that,” Cherry added with a roll of her eyes. “Butchering modern English just wasn’t enough for her.”

den hoilding hasnds we wetn 2 hour neckst class: histree clazz. az we left da batherum we went owt neer da archezz of hour scool. da archezz wear basedd on 2nd senturee rowmen arkitecshure. we went 2 hour next class in da shade cinse it wuz reigning 2 mouch and da sun wuz owt making a reignbow. Edowurd and i came owt into da reign and den danced in da sun baskeing it all in.

“It’s sad. That last sentence is the only one in the entire paragraph that made a lick of sense,” Asahi shook his head, slumping over in his seat as he spoke, “And even then, the spelling and grammar of it all ruined it.”

Cherry squinted t the text before shrugging, “I think I can make out some hand holdin and a history class mention, but that was it.”

"Doth water danceth lieketh it waseth commandethed to danceth" sung edoweird "yes, thine waotr, danceth waterrth danceth!" screamed edoweird.

“Demyx?” Cherry asked, perking up. “Is that you?”

we danecd in da grass an den fell down neckt 2 each otha. den i roled on tope of him.

"hay edoweird wanna sex" i asked

Asahi let out a loud, bitter laugh. “Way faster than I expected,” he muttered. “Couldn’t even get through the chapter before changing tune.”

"no my-lady thou wouldsnt sexeth witheth ueth unlesseth thou dost firsteth marrieth thou an deneth thou wuldsnt noteth haveth 2eth beth singulareth vapmireth." segueded edoward.

Briar ran a hand down her face, “Every time Edward talks, I want to down a vial of poison. See how many it will take to kill me. It’ll be a quicker death than this story.”

"ok den" i sed sadly. i wish dat edowerd wuld sex me but hew uz an olde boi an olde boiz dunt do it b4 maridge.

She took her hand off her face to glare at the screen, “That is very, very false. It’s typically frowned upon because religion was more heavily enforced, but so long as you didn’t make your infidelity and affairs public, or openly claimed your bastards, no will really care,” she grumbled and straightened up in her seat.

“There are exceptions, of course. If you’re of noble or royal blood, it’s very frowned upon if you’re openly sleeping around, as the more children you sire, the more at risk you put your land for a civil war.”

AN: DATS I FRUM NOAW ON I DUNT WANT FUCKING TROLLING U ASSHOLEZ

“You don’t get what you want, here,” Asahi said, unapologetically.

CAHPTOR 7: DA ENEMIZ

edowerd an i den got to hour historee clazz. mr. chocoluv aslo tawt dis clazz so i wuz gunna reely enjoi it.

“Is he just the only teacher here at Fuck High School?” Cherry asked.

Asahi shrugged, reaching over to steal a few pieces of what little remained of her popcorn, “You think Fuck High School can afford more than one teacher? All their money is going to legal fees so they can keep the name.”

 edowierd an me sate down to da right of jacub blake

“Fuck this guy!” Asahi yelled, “Also, he doesn’t even go to this school!”

 and his brotha samiel blake. da blake family wuz a veryy big famly dat wuz maed up entiorlee fo wherwoulvz. we sate 2 da right of dem.

She tugged on her pigtails harder, “TwilightRova really knows nothing about who he is, does she? Did she even read the books? Or watch the movies?”

"hi dere moon. how r u doin today" samiel aksed me. samiel was a rally big guy hu nevar whor a shirt 2 scool, alwayz displyaing his abes. if onlee edawird had abed 2.

“He must have forgotten to apply the spray paint today,” Briar mused.

 enywayz he wuyz a very tal man. I ushulee rally h8 furiez but i culd maek an ekseptshin dis tyme.

“Is it really all that relevant to know he’s a furry?” Asahi frowned as he thought it over some more, and ended up even more confused by doing so. “Does being a werewolf automatically make you a furry?”

samiel had a dark peech feca fo a emo boi wit str8 blaeck hare wit purpul streekz in it. he hade so much lipstiock dat i saw it dripp down hiz faece beyoutifully. and he wuz werign briught yelo lipstuick. he hda a supa hawt jawlein going on. he wuz aslo a foury tho an i dunt hang out wit dat shit so it wuz a big proible m. sameil liokd so fukcin sexay in his dezinor petns but not short cuz remeebr he dusnt were shoirtz 2 socol. hes abes were sooooooo judah danm fcuking sex tho.

“Honestly, from how ya described it, he doesn’t look that good. At least not dress-wise,” Cherry tutted and let go of her hair to cross her arms over her chest. “Yellow lipstick? Yuck. Very few people can actually pull that off.”

if it wuznt in publki an edoweird wuznt hear i wuld hav statred 2 mastorbeet fuoriusly. but i cant do dat cuz im a gurl so wtf u tinking reador.

Asahi opened his mouth to speak, stopped, and then shook his head. “Okay… let’s just skip this one,” he grimaced. The others looked just as grossed out, and nodded their heads.

den mr. chocoluv stated his leckchur.

"...rusha wil den leev de war. 1 factr is dat becuz of da losez pepul r demorelizd. pepul cant c wat dey wil gain frum dis. starvashin and laeck of materiol necsitees endd up pezentrizig pepul. de idividule rushin soljur culd fight vere wel in rusha, but de tope rankigg enerals and pole-itikole leedorship oltimitle wuz fail.

Briar sighed, “This could have been an interesting history lesson, but it was ruined by the atrocious spelling. Pray that this story is the worst we’ll have to face in that department.”

dis puts de blam on nikolaz da 2 the zaarr of rusha, nd his wief alexsdra. (shees natzee by biorh, and wehn tinsg dunt go wel they assume she's a spy).

“Yes, but actually no,” Cherry frowned as she stood up. “Alexandra was born in Germany, but Nazi Germany didn’t exist yet, so by default Nazi’s didn’t exist. Nazi’s aren’t even an ethnicity, it’s an ideology and faction, but that’s a different subject entirely.”

“The people did worry that Alexandra was a spy cause of her ties to Germany, but everything that went down with Rasputin was a major factor in it, too. He was a manipulative son of a bitch,” she explained, and as she sat down, a wide smile filling her features. “She’s also Queen Victoria’s granddaughter. Honestly, it’s really funny when you see how all the nation leaders were related, makes all the wars look family disputes.”

At the looks she got, she only shrugged. “History can be fun.”

dey go throo a whorebull weeknes in der fahmilee. da sun of nikolaz is a hepophiliac.

Turning to look at Cherry again, Asahi raised a brow, “Wasn’t Alexandra also hemophiliac?” he asked her.

“Nope. Alexei was the only one of the Romanovs to have it, but he did get it from his mom, Alexandra was a carrier,” Cherry answered, her smile growing as she drew her legs to her chest as she sat. “The British family really spread that mutation across the countries. Victoria was a carrier, her son Leopold got it, an’ two of her daughters; Beatrice an’ Alice were carriers. Alice was Alexandra’s mum. Through her, she and her sis Irene became carriers, and their brother, Frederick inherited it. And then, through Alexandra, Alexei caught it.”

She shrugged again, biting back a yawn. “Cause of chromosomes and shit, Alexandra never had hemophilia, she just passed it on to her sons and probably her grandsons if she was ever given the chance to have em.”

 datz sum1 hu wantz 2 do i with a hipo kidz.."

Broken from their conversation on the history of it in the royal family, Asahi and Cherry looked back to the screen with narrowed eyes.

“No,” Asahi began, confused and irritated by the claim. Wanting to do it with a hippo? What kind of idiot thought that was what hemophilia was? “Hemophilia is a genetic disorder that affects the blood, makes it that your blood can’t clot when you bleed. It has nothing to do with hippos!”

 mr chocoluvs leckchur went on but al i wated 2 do wuz waetch samiel shaft his musuols 4 me.

Briar raised a brow. “Okay…?” she began, uncertain. “At least you know your priorities.”

enywayz den class wuz ovar but edoweird had 2 go 2 gim but i didnt so i decideded 2 taek a walk in da wouds behidn da scool.

To that, Cherry just shrugged. “As one does when they don’t gotta go to class.”

 back in da back of da wuds i decidedd 2 wakl were i fiorst met jakub an hiz paeck of furrieds. i fund a cleering an den i went 2 it.

“Hey!” Cherry shouted, lurching forward. “You better not be stealing Bella and Edward’s iconic clearing! That place is off limits!”

Asahi was scowling, tapping his fingers angrily against his biceps. “Why does she even want to seek him out? After what he did to Swan?” he demanded and then groaned. “Oh, that’s probably exactly why she hangs out with them, she loves what they did to her.”

 inside dere i got loenlee fast. sudenlee all fo da leevs fell frum da treez. den three vampiors ended up cuming owt of no were.

“Random vampires,” Briar said, unimpressed. “James’ group?”

da first vampoir was a realy tall 1. she had a blacjk lethor shirt dat hade huuuuuuuuuuuuge cleevige and her teene littol jeen scirt wuz so smal dat u culd see her vajayjay. she had lotz fo emo maekup on an she aslo hade complotely browen teth. 2 da rioght of her wuz a rally tall man hu had a leethor bikor jaket on an had leethor blac jeenz. he had a evol gotee an a lotz fo blak hare. den dere wuz also a gai 2 da rioght of him.

“Hah,” Cherry barked out a laugh that sounded more like a dying wheeze. “The guy on the right doesn’t matter enough to get a description. Sucks to sucks, dude.”

i luked at dem all angrilee.

"WHA TDA FIUCK R U FUICKORZ LOOKING AT U MOTHAFUCKIERS!?" i asdek.

Asahi rolled his eyes. “This girl has serious anger issues.”

“I would say it will get her killed one day,” Briar nodded, “But we know she is essentially immortal for all intents and purposes.”

"biotch plez wull fuck u up" sed da guy on da righjt.

To that, Briar leaned forward, violet eyes glimmering. “I will pay thirty coins to see that happen.”

"no u wont, [AN: c how iz dat 4 punchuashin]

“I see you used punctuation,” Asahi nodded, his voice monotone, his gaze unimpressed. “But you used the wrong punctuation. Absolutely nothing to brag about.”

 brign it on!" i screamd. i fuond a rock on da grund and pikced it up an den throo it at da guy on da rioght. it hit him. i wuz happy. he ded at den. i new becuz his blud wuz liek a fownten, spewwing, all ovar da place.

Cherry frowned, scratching her cheek, “I thought he was a vampire? They don’t bleed. A rock would hardly hurt him at all.”

“Please don’t expect things to make sense,” Asahi said.

"u fokerz do u all wanna dead 2" i aksed dem. dey didnt want 2 dye. i pikked up anothor rock and treatend dem. "u all wanna dye 2!?" i scraemed.

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" dey sccreamed as dey ran.

“I’m no vampire, but even I wouldn’t cry in fear of some crazy chick with a rock,” Asahi complained.

“That was beyond pathetic,” Briar sighed in agreement. “If this were real, she would be dead many times over. Her body torn open, her entrails spread across the clearing, the grass painted a thick, dark red with globs of her blood, the air foul from the rotting meat and the defecation.”

Her lecture came to a stop as a hand fell heavy on her arm, shoving her hard. She looked over and both Cherry and Asahi were staring at her, looking green in the face.

“Please,” Asahi began, slow and careful. “Stop talking. We get the picture, and we don’t like the picture.”

i new i had 2 get bak 2 edoweird an tell him wat hapeened. i ran az fast az i culd, huryeing.

AN: FRUM NOE ON IM GUNNA POST ALL STUPID INBOX MESSAGEAS IN DA STOREE AT DA BOTTOM U JERKZZZZZZZ TAKE DAT!

“I could really go for some tea right now,” Cherry mused, not even paying attention to what TwilightRova had said.

[potsed by krazeekook]

Im not saying you don't have rights to the internet, im saying that you should use correct English, grammar and real words...

“Couldn’t agree more,” Asahi said, nodding his head as he folded his hands against his lap. “You’re welcome to use the internet all you like, but if you’re going to make public posts of any kind, put in the effort to use proper spelling and grammar.”

Trolling is something you put up on purpose (a REAL bad story- no grammar, spelling etc. - like yours)just to get bad reviews and flames.

Im not saying a few mistakes is wrong- check my stories i have quite a few- but yours is just unreadable.

do us all a favour and take it down...

“It’s sad she never took their advice,” Cherry said with a frown. “Either she was really dedicated to the bit, or she genuinely believed her story to be the next big hit.”

u foukor sotp flaming my storee!11

“No one’s going to stop when you’re the one who’s handing them oil and matches,” Briar warned.

Chapter 8: I - lockor rum

AN: finaly i goit 1 positiv reviow tank u!1 nywayz reviow da store plz!

“Eight chapters in and only one positive review?” Asahi asked and then gave a hum. “Impressive.”

i wuz runnnin at me ful potenshil.

Briar frowned, tried to make sense of the mangled line, but it was useless. “She ran at herself with full potential?” she said and sighed. “Well, I never expected sense.”

 my purpul raven hare wit gowld streekz wuz flowign in da wend as i rann.

“Hold, sorry, hold it, pause, stop, just hold it,” Cherry said, standing up and holding her hands out. A few seconds of silence went by, all eyes on her, and she pointed a finger at the screen, accusatory. “Your hair is purple now? I call bull-fuckin-shit.”

“Whatever happened to ‘raven hair with gold laden streaks’?” Asahi asked. “Cause, ‘raven’ and ‘purple’ are two different colors.”

i jumpped ovar 91 rocks on my waey bak.

Briar shook her head. “But only ninety-one. The remaining nine rocks were just too much for her.”

 den i saw my scol. den i weant down da mudslyde near da scool and wuz mudy. den i went 2 go and fend edowurd.

“Unnecessary,” Asahi rolled his eyes. “And who builds a school next to a mudslide? That’s just asking for disaster.”

i ran down da halwayz 2 soshal studyz class [AN: DIS IZ DIFFORENT FRUM HISTUREE U FOUKERZ]

Cherry sighed, “Yes. But actually no,” she said, readying herself for another speech, but decided it wasn’t worth it. “History is a form of social studies, so they aren’t entirely different. Think of it as history bein’ a subset of socials.”

and on da way i saw bella hu had goten owt of da hospitel.

“Damn” Asahi whistled.

“I dunno if she’s lucky or unlucky that she got hospitalized for fourteen gunshot wounds, but still had to go back to class that same day,” Cherry said with a frown. “On one hand ya got a speedy recovery, on the other hand; school.”

bella wuz brayden her newlee died hare. her hare wuz noew blaund wit rossey red hiliets an she wuz braden it in a getto gurl fashin. she wuz talkin 2 tanishashanqua mr. chocoluvs dawter.

“Tanishashanqua is…” Briar trailed off and shook her head, “It’s just a mouthful of a name. How does she manage to type it?”

"yo homie" tanishashankwa sed 2 me az i ran paste her.

"hi dere tanishashunqau" i reetourted. "do u no were pwedowerd iz?" i aksed.

"no u mothafuoker i dunt wat u tink all blaeck pepul no were wite pepul r at u fuikcin raysist" she sed hapilee. i aslo grined hartily an den cuntinewed.

“It made little sense,” Asahi began, “but the jury is still out on if she is racist or not.”

“She totally is,” Cherry said.

"so were iz he"

"try da lockor rum rebecka" she sed as she tuk a poptard outa her lockor. i den rased down da hallz an den came 2 da boiz lockor rum. i gapsed az i reelizd dat i was not a man.

“Ah, the struggles of not being able to change your gender on a whim,” Briar said nodding her head sympathetically. “I don’t know that feeling at all.

 den i saw samiel goin in 2 da lockor rum so i went into it behind him. i snuk frum behind him and den jupmed outa da way onlee 4 his towell 2 driop.

“Oh, joy,” Asahi rolled his eyes.

"O

M

F

G"

I frewaked owt! i saw samiels thingy and it wuz all flopign arund an shit so i qikly kiked dat shit outa my feace an den puched sameul in da nut u8 9 timez. he fel ovar frum da shok of da atak.

“What the hell? Ya snuck in here when you knew ya shouldn’t, and then you attacked him for bein’ naked in the boy’s locker room?” Cherry asked. “Girl, you are beyond messed up!”

den edoweird came alogn wit a croud of men all of dem nakd.

"" i scramed "U FOUKIN PEADOFILEZ STIOP TYING 2 RAEP ME" i scremed.

“They’re not trying to rape you, you came into this space knowing they would be undressed,” Briar said between clenched teeth. “Not everything is an attack on you.”

"sorrrrryyyyy" dey al scramed tring 2 escaep justiss.

“Justice would be kicking her out of the locker room,” Asahi muttered.

 I qikclee begin 2 cry in ordur 2 get edoweirdz atenshin.

Cherry rolled her eyes, “I hate girls who gotta cry to get attention. It’s manipulative and icky.”

 den edowerd came frum da croud an den we huged. so den i wuz with edoweird an we happilee huged eech otha agin.

"edoiwrd i hav sumting 2 tell u" i sed/

"wats doesth thoust wanteth" erdowerd askied.

“My ears,” Briar said in monotone, “they’re bleeding from having to listen to his awful dialect.”

"edoweird sum weerd vapmirez atakd me" i ansord. "i kiled 1 of dem but da otha 2 got away" i began 2 cry becuz it wuz suhc a tramatic memoree 4 me.

“Traumatic?” Cherry mocked, “Yeah, I doubt it.”

 den i relized dat i had 2 be braev in frunt fo edowird so i smaked my innorself an todl her 2 stiop benig suhc a whinee bi0tch and 2 get ovar it.

“That’s not how trauma works,” Briar frowned. “You truly are an awful person.”

 so den i cuntitud 2 hug edowuird.

"ist doth alrtighteth rebeceth?" edowerd pleed

"i gess but edowird wat i sed its a bgi deel" i begin 2 cry agen. edowurd huged me colse but den i fely sumting stranj. i notised dat EDOWIRD HAD DIS FUOCKINHG HUEG 13 INHC BOWNER wile hugin me.

“Well, never thought people had kinks for hugs,” Asahi noted. “Interesting. All the more reason not to let strangers touch me.”

 i qicklee piushd him of off me an den cut him wit my anti raep nife. i wuz so eckstreme becuz i dunt taek dat shit frum no1 not even ny boifiend.

“In a perfect world, she’d not have a boyfriend anymore,” Cherry said, and frowned. “No one, guy or gal, should stay with someone who cuts them with a knife. That’s abuse. That ain’t cute.”

"AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!" edowird scramed as al of da boyz in da lokorum stated 2 run. relizin wat i had dun i ran frum da locor rum 2 find tanisjashanqa an get sum advioce frum her.

“At least she realizes she messed up,” Briar nodded her head. “I am surprised she isn’t immediately pinning the blame on him.”

“She will somehow twist this to it all being Cullen's fault,” Asahi warned her. “She’s a manipulative, gaslighting jerk like that.”

Go on then and show how immature you are.

-Krazykook

NO U FUOKCIN BIOTCH U SOTP FLAMING DA STOREE U HERE

“Whoever Krazykook is,” Asahi began, “I like them. They say what we’re all thinking.”

Chapter 9: I - soshal studys clas

i ran douwn da hallz 2 find tanishashanqua agin. maybe she wuld hav an ide-uh az 2 wat i shuld do noew dat i wuz bein hunetd by pedofilez.

“Except they ain’t pedophiles. One; you’re the same age, yer not a little kid,” Cherry countered. “Second; they ain’t huntin’ ya. You barged into the locker room, freaked out that dudes in the locker room were undressed, then attacked them.”

“It’s her delusional personality. She thinks everything she doesn’t like is a legitimate attack,” Asahi said.

i qickly chugged da anti-raep nife behidn me an kept giong down da hallz. tanishashanways lockor wuz numba 88. i qicklee ran down da hal nevor lokign bak behind me. my purpul raven hare wit gowld streekz wuznt flowign in da wend as i ran

“Raven hair is not purple hair,” Asahi complained. “They’re different colors!”

 but i loked hawt in my secksy owtfit enywayz. as i ran i lost a blaek combat but dat i had but i kept going enywayz becuz i hade a misshin 2 do.

Cherry frowned and tilted her head. “How do ya lose a combat boot you’re wearing? It ain’t a slipper, it ain’t falling off mid-step.”

i finaly reeched tanishashanqwua an den apoached her.

"tanishashanqwua help me" i scearmed at her as i crashhed in 2 her lockor and noked ovar bella hu wuz geting her hare baded.

Asahi covered his face with his hands to muffle his scream. “The abuse continues!”

"hey its my homie moon! wat is it yo" she sed

"tanishashanqa hlep me qick im beign chassed by rapistz an i dunt no wat 2 do" i den qiucklee atemptd 2 explen da sitashin 2 her. "i walked into da boiz lockor rum liek u sed 2 an den a boi tried 2 flash at me. so den i kiced hiz dick and punchd hiz nutz ovar 9 timez"

“He didn’t try to flash you,” Cherry booed, crumpling up her empty popcorn bucket to throw at the screen. “He was probably gettin’ changed and you assaulted him.

“If anything, you should get charged for sexual harassment by invading the men’s locker room,” Asahi added, rolling his eyes. As nice of a thought as it was, they both knew she wouldn’t get anything.

 i paintd 4 beath as i continyud on. "so den hiz fiends came 2 try an raep me and den edoweird came and huged me."

"so homie watz da problem yo" tanishashanqua asced.

"wel edoweird got a bonor so i stabed him wit my anti raep nife an den ran"

"so den just aplogise 2 him"

"o dats a graet ideuh! im gona go an do dat rite now" i sed as i ran of 2 find edowurd. den i fund him an we made up.

“This is genuinely painful to read.”

“It really is,” Cherry nodded. “No one can make that crap up easily.”

aftor dat litel insident edowurd and i wernt 2 soshal studees clas. dere we wuld resiht pootry an den leran.

"i h8 emoshinns becuz dey maek me emoshinol" sed bella huz turn wus noew.

"im trying 2 do my hoemwurk but i cant sotp cryig. i cant consentate help. help. noew my papor iz al soked but idc im goig 2 turn it in liek dat so dat my techor nos my pein" bella resited/ we al apladed becuz dat wuz reel pein bella wuz goign thru.

“Finally, acknowledgement that Bella is suffering,” Briar nodded her head in satisfaction. “Good.”

“I feel so freaking bad for her,” Asahi muttered helplessly.

even tho i h8 dat bitch i culd simpatize [AN: STPO SEYING DAT REBECKA IZ A MARY SUIE SHE IZ NOTTTT!] becuz i am a complecks purson hu haz meny layors.

Snorting, Cherry shook her head. “I genuinely find that hard to believe.”

2 sho my layors i decidd 2 shair my poum with da clas.

Both she and Asahi made a face of pure dread. “Please, please don’t,” they had said in unison.

"let me tel a tail

o listen 2 me wale

abut how muhc my live rockz

i am 1 of dose

awsum and cool peeps

hu weres awsum cloesths

sumtimez i lisen 2 me wine

sumtimez i lisen 2 me dred

but i am luking up

cuz my life is geting up

am i jsut paranode

liek i sound!?"

den i sat bak down as da clas appladed me 2.

With a sigh, Cherry leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. “That was the worst poem I had ever read,” she confessed.

 edowirdz poum wuz up neckst

"hark here doth angles sing

glorey 2 da newborneth king

“Isn’t that one of those famous Christian bible songs?” Asahi asked.

thou live is pale compareth 2 his licing

and thine will doth thou saving"

edowerdz poum spoke 2 my hart becuz not onlee wuz it diliverd wit his SECKSY sickstene sentry acsent and britshnes maed me so hornee. i jsut wanted 2 FUICK HIM DERE AN DEN!

Asahi scowled, “How dare you objectify him!” he yelled. “Have you no manners? No sense of decency?”

Snicker, Cherry shook her head. “How the turntables have turned.”

but i didnt sins dis wuz scool an secksual relashins shuld wate untill aftor maridge.

Briar rolled her eyes, “You keep saying that, yet you keep talking about how much you wish to fuck him,” she pointed out. “So clearly you are just as horny and depraved as everyone else.”

an den class wuz ovar.

Asahi clapped his hands together, “And just like that, class is over,” he said and collapsed back into his seat. “Nine freaking chapters for one school day. That was unnecessary.”

“That was a freaking trip,” Cherry agreed.

"so edowird wat r we guna do noew dat scool is ovar 2day?" i asked him

"alicia doth ineth a jaileth celleth. thine alabastor shining sayseth thateth we must go adn resceweth her frumeth da jaileth" edowird sed in his normal sikstene sentury acsent. den i new wat we were guna do 4 da rest of da weke- WE R GUNA RESCEW ALICIA FRUM PRISUN!

“She’s not in prison for no reason,” Briar warned.

“And you don’t break someone out of prison like it’s nothing,” Asahi added, but sighed, “Though that’s what they’ll be doing.”

Despite it all, Cherry was laughing. “Looks like I’ll be winnin’ that bet, by the skin of my teeth no less! They’ll be breakin’ her free next chapter.”

“Don’t get too cocky,” Asahi warned, pointing to the screen. “It took nine chapters to get through a single school day. This story uses Dragon Ball time, so it’ll take another eight chapters just to get to the prison.”

AN: so ya were getingg in2 da fiorst stoery arc theyr guna go an try 2 rescew alicia frum jael so stey tunned ok

“Damn, Asahi’s right. Dragon Ball time,” Cherry whistled. “This is the start of the first story arc! How many arcs there gonna be?”

"Look I pride myself on being a nice person and never flaming expecialy about grammer and spelling but oh my god you could really try using spell check or something and then try devoloping a plot and using less cuss words and text languge cause that's just making it seem bad and i'm not trying to be mean i'm trying to help you so that you can wright better because my first story was porrly wrighten but then i deleted it because i realised my mistakes you should to"

-kuryn426

“They’re trying to be nice about this, I can respect that,” Asahi nodded his head to it. Sure, this commentor had a few spelling errors, but it was nothing nearly as egregious as the story itself. “I don’t think she deserves the niceties, but whatever.”

OMFG u fukour screw u u jsut dunt no a gud ficshin when u c it

“And here we have the author being unnecessarily violent and rude in response to it,” Briar replied dryly.

Chapter 10: I - Rebecca vs Chadley

“I’ve forgotten, who’s Chadley?” Cherry asked.

Asahi shrugged. “Brutalized version of Charlie, I’d guess.”

edowurd and i stoped at my hose 2 get da jale keyz frum chadley.

i went to da hose an saw bellas fouckin uglee truck owtsid da hose. i fuckin kicked that shi 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 timez b4 my fut brook.

“Well, that’s on you for being an idiot,” Briar tutted, though it was clear she wasn’t concerned. “But now that you’ve stupidly broken your foot, you can’t rescue Alicia. Oh, well.”

Asahi gave a helpless gesture to the screen. “In her defense, that truck is really ugly.”

den edoweird sed

"doth shuldeth leaveth thine vehicol aloneth"

“No, keep kicking it!” Cherry argued, leaning forward in her seat. “I wanna see her break her other foot!”

i wuz instatly assored. den i relized a problem.

"wate edowurd wat if chadly is dere" i sed.

“Then you can get arrested,” Asahi said flippantly. “Not like you could run from him, anyway, with that broken foot.”

as i sed it my raben hare wuz floing in da wind and da streekz were swahing in frunt of my faece an den a singol teer drop fel frum my eyes 2 sigify my gowing saddnes.

Briar frowned and shook her head. “That was unnecessarily dramatic,” she said.

“Girl watches too much anime,” Cherry mocked.

my feace wuz becumn moystorized agin so so i qickly wipd away da teer. "i just meen wat if he is dere. dat culd be bad 4 us in al sortz of wayz. wat if he catchez u tryign 2 steel his kees. den wat edoweird!? i cant livbe withut u u FOUKING MOTHASUKOR SOTP TRYIGN 2 BRAEK UP WIT ME" i wuz screeming noew becuz dis wuz a seris situashin.

edowyrd jsut loked at me al blankeley

He made a low noise in the back of his throat and then, once again gestured to the screen. “It’s a valid response,” he admitted. “I’m pretty sure we’d all be looking at her blankly in any situation.”

“I just wanna understand how this escalated from Charlie possibly arrestin’ ya to Edward breakin’ up with ya,” Cherry said. “Cause, what the fuck?”

"rebecca, thine fahter musteth haveth thine keeseth!" he ecloaimed. "alleth weeth must doeth is sipleth steeleth thine fathers keeseth" he cuclooded

“You mean uncle, right?” Briar asked, “Because if he’s also your father, then I have a few questions regarding your family wreath.”

. i wuz instatly amazed. pwedowurd had cum up wit a reely gud plan! al we had 2 do was steel da kees frum my fathor. howevar da problem wuz dat my fathor is a very seckyoure individal and he wuldnt jsut haend ovar his kees dat eesily.

“But really, are she and Bella sisters, or are they cousins?” Briar demanded. “You can’t suddenly start calling Charlie your father and not have us questioning the relationship between you and Bella.”

"i no wat i must do edowerd" i sed. i new wat i had 2 do. 2 get alicia owt of jale i wuld taek my fathorz kees by fors.

Asahi sighed. “Well, she’s picked on Swan enough, it’s time to change targets.”

i went insied da hose. dere wuz nobuddy in da libing rum. da livingrum had a blud-red finihs and fishnetts hangign frum da ceeling. da wals had cristal bloe fish pattorn 2 it.

“Someone loves his fish,” Cherry said, wrinkling her nose.

suoddenlee chadly steped owt frum da dore. i new wat i had 2 do.

"chadley give me da kees or i wil fuockign kill u" i sed. 2 showe i wuz seris i tuk owt my anti-raep nife frum b4

Briar grimaced. “Murdering your uncle-father for keys is extreme,” she chided.

[AN: C U FLAMIGN FOUCKORZ SOTP FLAMING DA STOREE C HOW I USE CHEKOVZ GUN HEER HA]

“I’m not surprised at this point that she doesn’t know what a Chekov Gun is,” Asahi said with a shake of his head. “But as Briar said earlier, no one’s going to stop if you keep giving them the fuel and spark.”

 chadley loked very woreyd.

“Understandably so,” Cherry huffed. “Who wouldn’t be worried in that situation?”

he luked bak an 4th betwen me an my nife. finalaly he tuk owt his gun and aymed it at me.

"rebecca u dum biotch i hav a gun u heer me. i am abut 2 displin u becuz u r actin owt".

“As much as I would love for her to be shot, I know this isn’t going to end well,” Asahi sighed.

Briar mimicked his motion and dipped her head low, “No, it won’t. She’ll probably turn out to be bullet proof or something along those lines.”

i didn't lisen 2 him an i chagred. i qikly ogot 2 him an smaked dat whinee biotch acroz da FAYCE an den stated 2 stab his gut. chadley didnt liek dis tho so he shiot me in my ar tims. howevar my detorminashin 2 suksede made me go on an swipe dat basturdz nose in haf.

“All this fir a few keys!” Cherry yelled in disbelief. “Are you kidding me?”

Asahi snorted a little, “Fir?” he asked, giving her a side-eye and a grin. “You’re speaking like her spelling, now.”

“Screw you.”

"HA U FOUKER U SHOT MY LEFT ARM NOT MY RITE" i sed! it wuz gud dat he shot the otha arm cuz dis arm had da nife in it. den i puched him in hiz nutz an den stabed him in his belly buto tims. somoeting told me dat it hurt him tho becuz he steped baeck in pane an scramed liek a womin.

“He’s been struck in the face, stabbed in the gut and in the stomach, his nose was cut off, and more… while I admire his tenacity and endurance, I would hope he is feeling some pain at this point,” Briar said with a low tone of awe. “He is taking these blows as if they are nothing.”

Asahi was laughing, delighted, “He truly is Swan’s dad. If she could survive fourteen bullets, then it’s no wonder he can shrug these injuries off.”

den he wuz onestlee afraid of me.

"no rebeka stop dunt taek dis path in live it will onlee lede u into darknes" he pleted.

“Ya got some faith in her if you don’t think she’s already Satan incarnate,” Cherry whistled.

 den i tuk his gun frum his sins he wuz on da grund dying frum his woonds. den i tuk his neck and snaped it. den i shovd da nife doun his throwt. i wuz happy becuz da batol wuz ovar.

Briar waited a few moments to give Charlie a moments silence for respect before she spoke. “So, I do hope you have it figured out on who will be paying the bills of the house now, and who will be in charge of groceries and cooking,” she said. “Who even is your legal guardian now that you’ve murdered him?”

“Please, the author doesn’t care about any of that,” Asahi said, scowling over Charlie’s death.

den i got da kees frum his pocket an ran bak owtsied. edowurd wuz dere. den i came.

"EDOWYURD" i sed "I GOT DA KEES 4 U" i also sed.

"thine eforts haveth noteth goneth ineth vayneth" he sed. "thine alabastor teers telleth meeth dat thine haseth puteth fortheth a gratuitous amowneth ofeth efforteth"

Shaking her head, Briar frowned, “I can barely make sense of his lines. Would it be okay if I just ignore everything he were to say?”

“Honestly?” Cherry began. “I’ve just been ad libbing his dialogue.”

den we went 2 go an reskew alicia da drug deelor frum jale.

“She’s probably doing fine,” Cherry continued, suddenly more invested now that Alicia was mentioned again. “She’s a bad bitch who’s probs already runnin’ the place.”

"Everytime i see a new chapter...i skip through your actual story just to see if you have made a comment about me...they amuse me!

Well atleast it gives this piece of c**p views and reviews...

“Can’t blame them,” Asahi confessed with a shrug. “I’d have done the same.”

Be honest with me...Is that how you actually write, like in school (if you arn't to stupid to go to school)...

what the hell is a kind of name like 'Tanishashankwa'?

“That’s what we’ve all been wonderin’!” Cherry shouted, “What the hell kind of name is that?”

“It’s almost as bizarre a name as X Æ A-12,” Asahi said, frowned, and glared at Cherry, “And I absolutely hate your nation for even making those kinds of awful names a thing.”

“Don’t blame me for it! He’s not even American!”

You get some real bad names, but that just takes the biscuit...

Im suprised youve actually carried on with this story...

it sucks..."

-krazykook

Asahi hummed and accepted this minor defeat. “She really I resilient to have managed to complete the entire story. I have to give her props on that.”

“Yeah, it is kind of amazing,” Cherry admitted.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH u fuckour fuckign fuckor SOTP FLAMING MY STOREY GOD FUCKIONG DAMMIT STOP FLAMING IT IT NOT NISE!

“Well, you’re far from nice yourself,” Briar pointed out.

chpater 11 da resolushin 2 story arc 1

“This arc is already almost done?” Asahi asked in surprise. “It took nine chapters just to get to this arc, and now it’s being resolved? Talk about a speedrun.”

“How many arcs are there gonna be?” Cherry asked.

“Too many.”

so den we got 2 da jale were alicia wuz bein kept. edowird had da kees da i hav given him. 2 bad chadly had 2 di 4 him 2 get da kees. i am pety sad dat chadly is ded but da stupit idiod hade it cumin 2 him.

“He didn’t have to die,” Briar countered with a frown, her tone a warning. “You are just a murderous psychopath.”

“And don’t you dare say he had it coming, he didn’t,” Asahi added in a sharper tone, “You just don’t know how not to be a violent freak.”

enywayz edoweird and i went 2 da jale 2 go and get alicia. we were gunna unloick da jale cel by using da kees on it. i had some complicashins wit dis but i new it had 2 b dun so i went ahed enywayz. i put da kees in da locke an den turend da lok.

Cherry raised an eyebrow. “The hell kinda complications are ya having unlocking a cell? Ya stick the key in and turn it!” she then looked around and threw her hands up, “An’ where are all the other cops! Has no one noticed this yet?”

 alicia wuz bein a biotch and she keprt screeming at me dat she wuz gunna put a cape in my as if i dindt get her owt.

“So far Alicia is really the only one that’s even likable so far,” Asahi admitted, “and it’s because she’s so ridiculous.”

Cherry shot him finger guns, “Word.”

“Pity Bella, but favor Alicia,” Briar nodded.

so i did.

"tanks moon 4 hepling me bi geting me owt" alicia sed.

“It’s really telling how poorly this was edited when she is still called ‘Moon’ when that isn’t her name anymore,” Briar hummed. “I wouldn’t be surprised if TwilightRova just didn’t edit some chapters, because that would require work, and that’s why she’s still called Moon”

“Still don’t even get why she was called ‘Moon’ in the first place,” Asahi grumbled. “It’s not that great of a name.”

 alicia wuz lokeing beyutiful unda da pail monelite moon [AN: c dat iz a refornce 2 a movee i saw a loung tyime ago]

“That’s… a very vague reference,” Cherry squinted at the screen. “Could apply to half the movies I’ve seen this year!”

. edowerd den apeered behide me an he litely kized me. he new dat if he got a bonur agin dat i wuld stab him wiht my anti-raep nife.

Briar sighed, disappointed but not surprised. “She’s not a good girlfriend.”

“She’s not a good person, period,” Asahi countered.

“True.”

"i luv u and i wuld nevre hurt u edoweird" i sed.

“Except ya already stabbed him.” Cherry pointed out. “So you already hurt him, an’ for some weird reason he came back to ya.”

“Oh, don’t you know, that time she cut him didn’t count, he got a boner, so he absolutely deserved it,” Asahi said, putting on a high-pitched voice just to mock his own words. “Because Swansin can do no wrong, and if she hurts you, it’s because you deserve it.”

 xcept if he did sumtihng dat i rally did not liek den i wuld nife dat cheeting basturd until he dide.

He pointed at the screen, biting his tongue, but his muffled words were basically to say ‘See? Exactly! She can do no wrong!’ and it was infuriating. Double standards and lies. Was there anything worse?

“I really can’t understand why he’s with her,” Briar said pinching the bridge of her nose. “She’s a horribly abusive and violent individual, there has not been a single likable quality to her.”

“The horniness takes over logic, I guess,” Cherry shrugged.

"doth complimenteth be eth niceth tahnk u eth" sed edowurd. den i went hime and begun 4 da neckst dayu of lide in foukrs.

“It’s been what, twelve chapters now?” Cherry asked, looking to the others for confirmation. “And it’s only been one day? I’ve never had a day that eventful and long!”

“I’ve had days as eventful and more, but even then this was something else,” Briar confessed.

Asahi stared at her with a raised brow. “To be fair, Briar, your days shouldn’t count. Literally no one else here is ever going to have a day like you.”

AN: dis is da end fo da 1st stiory arc plez stay tuined 4 da neckst won. i am aslo getinhg an editor he will hlep da story byu editing it.

“Your editor clearly ain’t helping you,” Cherry huffed.

Asahi thought it over for a moment, “Her editor probably wanted to help, but I wouldn’t be surprised if every suggestion and attempt was ignored, so they just gave up and left.”

Dude... What the hell are you on? Did you drink some beer or something, because it looks like you tried to write it while bring drunk.

“That is an insult to the drunks,” Briar frowned. “I’ve seen many men so drunk they couldn’t even walk but were waxing poetry better than this.”

I hope this isn't how you write like this in real life. Man, I would be scared if you really did.

-RyuuRanger

“If I was her teacher and she handed in papers written like this, I would want to quit my job,” Asahi stated. “I’d lose the will to ever teach again.”

AN: u fuckour wat da hell i tell u trollz to STAY AWAI FRUM MY STOREES Y WONT U ALL JSUT GO AWAI DA STOREE IZ GOOD U CLUISTERFUOCKS

“With how awful this story is, there’s nothin’ anyone can say about it that ain’t a flame,” Cherry shot back, sticking her tongue out at the screen.

Before anyone could say more, before the screen could flow into the next page, Briar stood up, raised her hands high into the sky to stretch, her spine popping and cracking. A few moments later, she moved to look down on the others, looking haggard and tired. “I think a break is needed,” she said simply, in a tone that brokered no room for argument.

Not that either really had the energy to argue.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Asahi sighed as he moved to stand. Already the lights of the theater were brightening up. “We need a few minutes away from this trash heap of a story. Clear our heads so we’re not quite as angry. I don’t know about you guys, but my head is actually starting to hurt a little from all of this.”

“Same,” Cherry complained, body sagging as she slumped over in her seat. “I didn't even want to go home, but this story is making me. Not that goin' home is even an option right now. This took forever an' we ain't even half done!”

Smiling softly, though looking just as defeated, Briar reached over to ruffle her hair. Cherry responded with a groan and a half-hearted attempt to swat her hand away, “Let’s take a few minutes, just to rest and recover. We can take as long as we want before returning to the beast, okay?” she said it so patiently, like how a mother should sound. It made Cherry feel weird.

Asahi was on his feet immediately, "I don't care if out generous host says no, I am not returning to this dumpster fire of a story without some form of respite. Otherwise I might just go insane," he growled out, and it didn't sound like an exaggeration. "Bathroom break, snack break, smoke break, I don't care what kind it is, I'm taking a break." He was already marching away from the others, intent clear with his steps.

Cherry waited a few moments before heaving herself to her feet, groaning with the motion, and dragging herself away.

#Twilight #Fanfiction #MST3k Style Riffing #MST #Troll Fic

[thetheatermst]

Cherry, Briar, and Asahi

#It didn't hit me until I was coloring that they're all brunettes #The Theater #Briar Makiir #Kurosaki Asahi #Cherry Bolton #The Host Speaks #My Art