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Thank you for everything Christina, I hope you have a lovely day <3

Thank you! I'm having a great day and I hope you are too!

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What inspires you to answer questions on tumblr? You put so much effort into giving the best answers to people’s problems, I’ve never seen anyone like you on this app!! 🫂

Honestly, I just like being helpful! And answering people's questions is always a nice excuse to procrastinate doing my own work 😂

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what do you think is the psychology behind these friendships? I've known a few people who will meet someone and become fast friends with them and the friendship goes from 0 to 100. They are now streaming together daily or hanging out daily, in each others social media and calling each other bestie. Then one day it just stops. It's like the obsession ends and they fizzle out so fast. A few months later the behaviour repeats itself with a shiny new person. I don't understand these relationships

One of my closer friends was like this and seeing them borderline in love one day and then the next second this person is annoying them and doing everything wrong. I'm not sure if it's like that for all of these relationships but it's baffling how quickly the escaulate and then end, and how it's repeat behaviour. The friendships only ever last a couple of weeks to months before the person they were obsessed with disappears then there's a gap of a few months before someone new takes that place

It depends on the person, but I think for a lot of people who experience friendships that way, it has to do with idealizing the people around them. Kind of in the same way that people form parasocial relationships with celebrities and have this idea of what it would be like to spend time with that celebrity, I think some people do that with friendships as well.

People come up with an idea of what their new friend is like, what they'll do together, how their friendship will evolve, and generally assign them traits that they may or may not actually have. They assume that their new friend is just like them, totally understands them, and/or can make up for their own shortcomings. When you have two people that are idealizing their new friend, it can become really easy for them to spend all their time together and make long-term plans really quickly. But the more time they spend together, the more they realize that their new friend is just a person with their own flaws, and the friendship falls apart because the person "isn't who I thought they were".

When that happens, the person starts looking for a new person to idealize, and the pattern starts over again. These types of friendships will always fail because people are just people, but I think the types of people who are prone to these relationships always believe that the next person will be the perfect friend they're looking for.

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I used to think I had ADHD bc it's so hard for me to get schoolwork done, but Ive realized that I really just procrastinate bc I'm scared of starting an assignment and failing. I mainly procrastinate on essays and projects bc it's usually a challenge and also a sum of everything you have learned in class, and I get scared because I feel like I'm not equipped to do it. So I avoid avoid avoid and do it last minute. Sometimes I get really good marks actually! So it proves that I am actually

Equipped to do the assignment even if I do it super late. But, I'm wondering how I can drill into my head to just DO the thing and not be terrified that I'm going to fail and avoiding it for fear of confronting the truth that I'm a "failure" and can't do the assignment (logically I know this isn't true but emotionally my brain automatically doesn't believe it).

Yes! Perfectionism is such a huge reason why people procrastinate and I don't think people talk about it nearly as much as they should.

The first thing I would do when dealing with procrastination from perfectionism is to remind yourself that the outcome of your work isn't a reflection of your worth as a person. You can be loved and worthy even if you aren't perfect at everything you do. I think oftentimes, people who struggle with perfectionism feel like being perfect at things is a necessary part of their identity, but we aren't our successes and failures. Letting go of the idea that the outcome of tasks define us makes it easier to complete work. And when you do fail at things, try to reframe what that means in your mind. Instead of "failing this exam means I'm a failure as a person", maybe try reframing it as "failure is a normal part of life. If I never fail, then I'll never be able to grow."

When you're starting an assignment, try and set reasonable goals and standards for yourself. Of course you want to give each assignment your best and get 100% on everything, but what's the bare minimum that would get you to achieve your goal? If you have a class you're taking, what's the bare minimum that you would need to get on this assignment and still pass the class? Figuring out what would be good enough can help to combat that feeling that the world is ending when an assignment isn't perfect. It can also help you to get started, since you can remind yourself that it doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to get done. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and remind yourself that you can always go through it again at the end and improve it if you need to.

In terms of general anti-procrastination strategies, there are a few things you can try:

Break your task into small, manageable steps that you can check off a list. These can be as simple as "open document" and "write name at the top of the paper". The more little tasks you do successfully, the more you'll feel like you can do.

Commit to only doing a little bit. Maybe you'll just do one step that's on your list, or you'll do two minutes of work. Usually, after that time is up, you'll feel like you've gotten over the hump of starting a new task and you can keep going. But if not, let yourself take a break. You've at least gotten a little something done, which is better than nothing.

Reward your progress. Once you get to pre-set milestones in the task you're going (like you've finished five of the small steps on your list, or you've finished writing a paragraph of an essay), give yourself a little treat. It sounds silly, but if you can train yourself to associate doing work with getting a treat, it's easier to start doing the work.

And more than anything else, I think it's important to be kind to yourself. If you had a friend that was struggling the way that you are now, what would you say to them? You'd tell them that they're capable of completing the assignment and even if it doesn't go well, they're not a failure of a person, right? Try to talk to yourself that same way when you're trying to get through doing an assignment. It will feel silly at first, but the more that we practice kindness and compassion towards ourselves, the easier it becomes to do it, and the more we believe the things we tell ourselves.

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Am I a lesbian if I don't connect with men emotionally and never have? I think men are hot but never men irl, just celebrity ones. But I think women are stunning and I can connect with them no problem. I thought I was bi for years but at this point I've only had 2 boyfriends and I'm already 24. I never connect well with them, and sex kind of feels like a chore. I know I don't have to label myself, but I want to, I just can't figure out what is right. I love kissing women and dating them is amazing it makes me feel all butterflies and giggly, but with men it's like nothing. It makes me feel like I'm broken. Do a lot of queer/lesbian women start out feeling like this????

Personally, I feel like labels should be practical rather than existential. I think "lesbian" doesn't necessarily have to mean "I am physically and spiritually incapable of having sexual or romantic feelings for men and will never be capable of that" but more like "I have no intention of dating men at this point in my life." I think a lot of queer and lesbian women experience this feeling of, "well theoretically I could find a man attractive," but in practice, it just doesn't work for them, and that's okay. I would also highly recommend reading through the "Am I a Lesbian" masterdoc, which deals with this question of how you know you're a lesbian in a society where heterosexuality is compulsory.

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I always feel like when you answer questions about Effy, is it more Gen 2 Effy than Gen 1? Of course, the person is the same, but there is a difference...

Yes! Usually I'm focused on Gen 2 Effy. I do that because in gen 1 she's really more of a supporting character and we don't get much insight into who she is as a person- there's just not a lot to go off of.

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Is this a good business casual outfit for an interview? Long sleeve black bodysuit, maroon corduroy pants/slacks, and a black vest. I was also gonna wear some flats, either velvet mary Jane style or some pointed toe ballet flats, both black.

I think it depends on a bunch of different factors, like the cut of the clothes and what industry the interview is in.

For example, a bodysuit like the on on the left would be totally fine, but one like the one on the right would be inappropriate:

Or the pants on the left would probably be fine, but the right might be too casual:

I would try to see what the company's dress code looks like, and, if you can, try to match what the people who work there wear. Business casual is usually things like blouses, blazers, sheath dresses, dress pants, and knee-length skirts, but some workplaces are more casual than others.

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I still don’t understand why Kaya suits Effy’s style so much more than overtly sexy outfits that seem to be designed to seduce?

I think part of it is that the outfits Kaya wears in Skins suit her body type better than a sexier outfit would. In Skins, Kaya was still a teenager and her body was still growing, so I think "sexy" clothes would seem like they were trying to highlight features that weren't really there. I think it's also that the clothes really fit with who the character is- she's not trying to be sexy, she just is. If you put Effy in "sexy" clothes, I think it would seem like she was trying too hard and it would ruin the effect.

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How do I stop crying during pms? I will burst into tears at the drop of a hat for no reason and it's embarrassing because I'm otherwise a very unemotional person. I try and avoid triggers but when I'm tired or stress I can't stop the tears

To a degree, crying during PMS is normal. There are a lot of theories for why this happens, but it seems like getting poor sleep, not exercising, and eating a different diet than you normally do might contribute. Eating fatty fish or other foods high in omega-3 fatty acids, avoiding salty foods, gently exercising (even if it's just walking), turning off electronics an hour before bedtime, cutting out caffeine in the evening, and making sure your bedroom is cool and dark can help to combat some of those causes. But if you find that your emotions are impacting your ability to live your life, you may have a more intense version of PMS called PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). If that's the case, I would talk to your doctor about it. They can prescribe medications that can help ease the symptoms of PMDD.

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what is your bedtime/nighttime routine?

It really depends on the day, but this is what I try to do. I start winding down around 2 hours before I actually go to sleep. Lately that means taking a shower, then drinking a Sleepy Girl mocktail (I don't know if it really does anything for sleep, but most people can use more dietary fiber and magnesium and I like how they taste) while watching an episode of TV and waiting for my hair to dry. Then I put on my pajamas, do my skincare, turn on my air purifier, which puts out a lavender sleep scent, close my blackout curtains, set my alarm, and read something that's kind of calming until I feel sleepy. I try to sleep from 12-8ish. It's not super exciting or anything, but it works.

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decades of chewing food only with my left jaw has made it wayyy stronger than my right. there's now a noticeable asymmetry between my right and left jaw and it's impacting my self-esteem. i'm trying to chew more using my right jaw but it's a slow process. are there any other things i can do to even out this asymmetry? thank you

I'm not sure how well it works, but you can try doing jawline exercises. Put your index finger and your middle finger on your chin. Then gently apply pressure and try opening your mouth while resisting the pressure. Hold it for a new seconds and then repeat it. Since it targets your jaw muscles, it may help to build the muscles on your right side.

There are also non-surgical cosmetic procedures you could try. Getting Botox may help relax the muscles on the left side of your face and make it look more symmetrical with the right side. You could also get fillers on the right side to make it look more similar to the left side. If you want to go down this route, your best bet would be to book consultations with a few different aestheticians and see what they recommend.

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i think the important question here is what would effy think about taylor swift releasing a song called clara bow

I feel like she wouldn't even know despite the fact that Taylor Swift is everywhere all the time. But if she did I feel like there would be a little bit of like, "well I was a fan of her first."

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wait what cosutume pieces from tv do you own???

When TV shows wrap the season that they're filming, sometimes they'll give the costume pieces to people who worked on the show (and then they give those pieces to me). Most of the costumes I have are from a show called Truth be Told, and I think I also have some from How to Get Away With Murder somewhere. I can do a video or Instagram story or something showing you all the clothes I have when I get home, if you guys are curious. If you like that kind of thing, there are also stores that re-sell costumes from TV shows- It's a Wrap in Burbank is the biggest one I know of, but there might be others.

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Do you buy fast fashion clothing or more expensive pieces?

It really depends. For the most part I try to not shop for clothes that frequently, and so when I get new pieces they’re usually from friends or they’re costume pieces from TV shows. When I do shop, I try to buy secondhand. Sometimes I get lucky and find a designer secondhand piece that has a really reasonable price, and other times I just end up with a cool fast fashion piece. But I do buy fast fashion sometimes, as I think a lot of us do. I actually bought a pair of jeans from Uniqlo last week that I’m really loving. For me the goal is to be better about my consumption habits even if I can’t be perfect.

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how to actively let go of shame and actually love yourself? mantras and affirmations feel so phony and my thoughts actively work to combat them almost, i feel so ashamed of my past and my mistakes that i feel like i can’t overcome them and i can’t love myself because of them? i know it’s important but how to actually make changes that don’t feel superficial, i’m not beautiful or smart or worthy so those mantras make me feel worse :/

Anonymous asked:

How to learn to love yourself and feel worthy in practical ways? Self love and mantras always seem like a mindset I can't learn or truly believe, due to my bad choices and also being treated as unworthy and unimportant and stupid it feels weird to say "i'm worthy, I deserve good things, I deserve love" when I've been show so many time that I'm not and I don't; both by my own failures and actions and by those around me, how do i practically build up self love and confidence in a way that sticks and doesn't feel like phony or like it doesn't apply to me bc I've done such bad things and I was born bad? I know a lot of my fucks ups were due to insecurity and shame and jealousy so I know i need to work on myself, but how?

Anonymous asked:

how to love yourself despite your own past and fuckups? I find it so hard to love myself and develop good self esteem when i can see in my flaws and mistakes and all i know is people treating me less than worthy, i don't feel like self love mantras apply to me because i'm not a good person or beautiful or worthy, and the things i've done and what i am and the way i've been treated prove that, but i know lacking self loves leads to envy and bad choices for me, how i do improve this?

It seems like this is something you're really struggling with and that's really impacting your life. If you can, I would really recommend looking for a therapist who can help you work through these feelings. Mental health professionals have training that can help them figure out what kinds of therapy will work for you and come up with strategies to help you start loving and appreciating yourself. If you're in the US, most health insurance plans do cover therapy, so I would start there. They should have a list of the therapists that are covered in network. PsychologyToday also has a great therapist finder that lets you get a better sense of what different therapists are like, what kinds of therapy they do, and the approach that they take. If your insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are also lower-cost online services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, Calmerry, Alma, and Open Path Collective. If you're a teenager, Teen Counseling is also an option. Working through our feelings is hard, but it's easier when we have someone on our team who can help us figure out what the next step is and keep our progress on track.

Positive Self Talk

All that said, like I was talking about here, I think figuring out how to forgive yourself and, eventually, learn how to love yourself is a process that takes time. As much as I wish there was, there's no magic bullet for self esteem. Building yourself back up, no matter what approach you take, will feel stupid and false at first. When we've spent our entire lives believing one thing about ourselves, we can't just flip a switch and believe something else. Our brains will push back on trying to change the way that we think because our brains truly believe that those thoughts are keeping us safe. But the more that we challenge those beliefs that we have about ourselves and the more that we repeat the alternatives to ourselves, the easier it becomes to start considering that it's possible they're true, and eventually the easier it becomes to believe them.

I want to be clear that I'm not saying you should recite mantras to yourself in the mirror every morning (although that can work, too). Maybe right now, that's way too much. Instead, I would try to notice when you're having a negative thought about yourself such as "I was born bad" and then gently suggest an alternative to yourself. "Is it possible that I wasn't born bad because nobody is born a bad person?" Even if you immediately reject that idea, just considering it is a start. Every time you have the thought that you were born a bad person, just gently ask yourself to consider that maybe nobody was born a bad person. The more times you do that, the more you might be able to get to "nobody is born bad." And then if you keep asking yourself to consider that nobody is born bad, you might be able to get to, "I wasn't born a bad person." The more times you ask yourself to consider the possibility that you weren't born a bad person, then you might be able to get to, "I wasn't born a bad person. Is it possible that I developed these maladaptive coping skills due to something in my childhood or the way I was raised?" It's a long and often slow process, but eventually you can get to "I did the things I did because [insert thing here- didn't have the tools to cope with feelings of jealousy/felt like I always had to look out for myself because nobody else was going to/was raised to feel ashamed of myself for being who I am/whatever], and although that doesn't make my actions okay, I can forgive myself for not having acted differently." And from there, eventually you can get to, "I am worthy of love and respect despite the things that I did." And from there, then maybe you can start looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, "I am worthy! I deserve good things! I deserve love!" But you can't just jump into the deep end with things like this; you have to take it one baby step at a time.

Other Therapies

All that said, for some people, therapies that are focused on challenging thought patterns can be really hard. If that's the case for you, it might work better to take an approach that focuses on acceptance. There are two main therapies in this group- "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" and "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy". As I said before, it's best if you can find a therapist who specializes in this kind of therapy and who can help you work through your thoughts and feelings. But if that's not a possibility, there are some at-home resources you can use to help yourself.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is designed to help you manage difficult, intense emotions and to better handle interpersonal relationships. There are some good self-help DBT resources here and here. DBT has four core skills that build on each other:

Mindfulness: these are skills that are focused on being present in the current moment. Mindfulness includes things like observing your thoughts and feelings without judgement, doing a mental scan of your body from head to toe, noticing the emotions you're experiencing and describing them, and exercises where you focus on your breathing. Mindfulness helps us realize that our emotions are impermanent, which allows us to better regulate them when we're experiencing negative emotions.

Distress Tolerance: these are skills that are focused on helping you learn to cope with distressing emotions and difficult situations. Distress tolerance includes things like making a list of distracting activities for when you feel yourself headed into an emotional crisis, using grounding techniques (like describing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste), and other methods of self soothing. In your case, the distress tolerance skill of radical acceptance might be particularly useful, since it focuses on accepting and making peace with things that cannot be changed, like past events, and letting go of the distress we hold because of those events. Distress tolerance skills allow us to be more confident and resilient in our day to day lives.

Emotional Regulation: these are skills that are focused on helping you manage your emotions, change negative emotions, and increase the number of positive emotions you have. Emotional regulation involves things like recognizing and naming the emotions that you're experiencing, accepting that your emotions are valid, identifying distortions in your patterns of thinking, practicing feeling uncomfortable, and coming up with a plan for when difficult situations arise.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: these are skills that are focused on helping you manage your relationships with other people. Interpersonal effectiveness involves things like identifying your communication style, learning how to listen attentively and validate other people's emotions, and how to build trust in relationships. These skills allow us to build a support network of people who can build us up when we don't feel like we can do it ourselves.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) asks us to view "negative" emotions like sadness, anger, and jealousy as a natural part of life, accept that these feelings are appropriate responses to situations that we're put in, and to commit to changing our behaviors so they're in line with our values. There are some good self-help resources for ACT here and here. The book "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris is also a really popular starting place. ACT has six core skills:

Acceptance: as with DBT, acceptance is a big part of ACT. In ACT, acceptance involves acknowledging and embracing difficult emotions without judgement or trying to change them.

Mindfulness: also as with DBT, mindfulness is a big part of ACT. The skills you'll build here are similar to the ones I mentioned above- observing your emotions and thoughts without judgement, meditation, doing a mental scan of your body, and breathing exercises.

Cognitive Defusion: Cognitive defusion involves distancing yourself from your thoughts and feelings, which leads you to change how you react to them and to have a more objective perspective on them. Instead of assuming that our thoughts and emotions are true, this skill teaches us to ask whether the thoughts and feelings we have are true. Techniques for this skill can include things like singing our thoughts, noticing the automatic reaction we have to certain thoughts or feelings, or using language to distance ourselves from those thoughts and feelings (For example, "I'm noticing that I'm having the feeling that I was born a bad person" instead of "I was born a bad person").

Self as Context or The Observing Self: This skill asks us to recognize that our physical and emotional states are temporary. As people, we're more than just our emotions, thoughts, and experiences. Because we are not our emotions or thoughts, we can choose how we react to the emotions and thoughts that we have. Exercises in this group can include things like exploring the roles we play in our day-to-day lives and noticing the things that stay consistent throughout those role switches that we experience.

Values: This skill asks us to identify what our personal values are. When we know what our values are and are trying our best to live in line with them, it's easier to avoid acting from a place of negativity (like shame, jealousy, anger, and fear).

Committed Action: finally, committed action asks us to create long-term goals that are in line with our values. What are the concrete steps you would need to take in order to align with your values and positively impact your life?

Final Thoughts

I know this all probably feels like a lot of work, and I would imagine that some of it doesn't feel immediately relevant to your pressing concern. But by learning these skills, either thought positive self-talk, DBT, or ACT, it will become easier to accept your past, tolerate your discomfort with the person that you used to be, change the way that you think and feel about yourself, and change the way that you interact with the world moving forward.

#self-help #self help #advice #self esteem #self confidence #self love #self healing #insecurity #jealousy #DBT #ACT

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I often read that Effy has apathy. What does such a person feel (not feel)? is it like if I stopped drinking coffee?) and what if Effy drank coffee in this state, would she perk up?

So I think it depends a little bit on how you define apathy. In general, I think people use apathy to mean someone who doesn't show feelings or emotion and who's indifferent to what's happening around them. And I do think that's true of Effy- unless she's panicking, it seems like her emotions are dulled compared to other people's, and we don't often see her show emotion. And she doesn't seem particularly concerned with the outcomes of the situations that are happening around her- for a lot of gen 2, it seems like she's reacting to things happening to her rather than proactively trying to change the world around her. The apathy that she has seems like it's a result of her mental illness, so I don't think coffee with fix anything. It's less like tiredness and more like feeling completely empty of emotions, desires, and interest.

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what are your thoughts on Taylor Swift and her most recent album? not a swiftie, just interested in your take lol

So I don’t really listen to her music but I am fascinated by her as a public figure. Mostly I think this album is too much too soon. She’s been overexposed lately- people are getting kind of tired of seeing her and the Eras tour is still ongoing. This album is just adding to that fatigue the general public is feeling on her. And then it seems like the consensus on the album(s) is that there’s a ton of content but none of it is particularly good, which kind of goes against what I expected from the title of the album. Plus, I think will contribute to this view that everything she does is a cash grab. I think she would have been better served by going away for a year, working in conjunction with a poet or even taking university classes in poetry, and then reappearing with one really well-crafted album once people start to want new content from her again.

Beyond that, this album seems like it really highlights how her self-image hasn’t really changed since she was a teenager. Even though she’s one of the most powerful women in the world, she’s still trying to defend her relationship choices to her fans and bringing up drama that happened years and years ago. I think she needs to take a step back and ask herself if it’s healthy for her to keep putting her life at the center of the work she creates. I think what she was doing with Folklore and Evermore was brilliant because it allowed her to keep writing songs that reflect her emotional experience but aren’t about her life. That would have given her the freedom to expand artistically, reduce the number of narratives that are written about her, and protect the people in her life from insane fans. But it seems like she doesn’t really know how to handle not having drama around her because it’s been her reality for so long.

Again, I haven’t listened to the album(s) so I don’t really know what I’m talking about, but this is just the impression that I’ve gotten from seeing the response it’s getting online.